My Therapist Ghosted Me - Sex Cruise Kittens, Potential Perimenopause & A Burnt A*se

Episode Date: May 24, 2024

Joannes getting bullied for her burnt ar*e, and hinge is nothing but tumbleweed; but Vogue's got some celebrity selects to cheer her up. If you’d like to get in touch, you can send an email to [e-mail] review Global's Privacy Policy: global.com/legal/privacy-policy/For merch, tour dates and more visit: www.mytherapistghostedme.com/For more information about Joanne's gigs, visit: www.joannemcnally.comThis episode contains explicit language and adult themes that may not be suitable for all listeners.Thank you!

Hello and welcome to My Therapist Goes To The Me With Me, Vogue Williams and... It's Joanne McNally, streaming live from Abu Dhabi. Oh, you're still in Abu Dhabi oh you're still in Abu Dhabi I thought you'd gone you would have gone to Dubai by now nah Dubai's dead to me

I'm all about the Abu Dhab Abu I can't I just hear it in Kevin Bridges Scottish accent Abu Dhabi Abu Dhabi

yeah sorry the phone's popping there I'm very popular over in Abu Dhabi sorry do you know that Abu Dhabi. Sorry. Do you know that Abu Dhabi can text your phone themselves?

No, but it's Dubai. I mean, I'm sure Dubai can like control your mind and shit. And Abu Dhabi, I'm sure they're able to do that kind of stuff over there. I'm really sorry. My children have just so Gigi walked in and she's like I want to do a poo and I was like Gigi

we have four bathrooms please yeah but I was like please can you use another bathroom and she's now decided that daddy is not gentle enough

when he wipes her bum so I have to be the only one in the world who wipes her bum because I do it gently tell him now he's doing that on purpose that's one of those

classic things where if you do a shit job they won't ask you to do it again people do I wouldn't put it past him that that's a strategy that he's chosen to take

well you know I made spaghetti bolognese for them the other day and I put red wine in it and they hated it so I never have to make it again that's how I make my bolognese and you fed it to the children

obviously the alcohol burnt off it's just it's so flavoursome again. That's how I make my bolognese. And you fed it to the children. Obviously. The alcohol burnt off. It's just, it's so flavoursome, too flavoursome for kids it would seem. I don't think

that's a thing. I don't think the alcohol burns off, does it? Yeah, I'm practically a chef. Brooklyn Better should walk out.

Who? Brooklyn Beckham. Well, I've been drinking in the sun for four days And nothing burnt off me So

My alcohol My alcohol stayed very firmly in my system So I don't know Are you just drinking and snoozing And drinking and snoozing? That's what happens in the sun I mean is there Like I'm not being bad but yes

I came out Obviously I was doing a show With Kevin and Tommy For the Abu Dhabi Tourism board 12 stars Oh my god They're treating us like

Well I don't know I don't know what royalty Really are treated like But they're treating us So well We did the Etihad Arena It was amazing I was due to do

10 at the start Then bring on Kevin And he's like If you want to go longer Go longer And I was like Absolutely fucking not I want to be back On that longer. And I was like, absolutely fucking not. I want to be back on that beach.

I am here. I am ringing this shit in. I am ringing it in. I'm on my holidays. Do you want to do it longer? No thanks. No. No.

I said, I am here on my holidays. The show is good. This is getting in the way. I am willing to do it. I just walked on. I was like, welcome to the Yadda Yadda Arena.

Kevin Bridges. Oh, sorry. You wanted longer. You wanted longer.. I was like, welcome to the Yadda Yadda Arena, Kevin Bridges. Oh, sorry, you wanted longer. You wanted longer. What? I didn't want to take their shine. I didn't want to eat into the lad's time.

I just didn't want to eat into their time. I actually ended up And then, sorry, when it got to Tommy, were you just like, I'm welcome, Tom. I just walked off.

A hundred percent. I didn't even pronounce his name. I didn't even say his surname. I actually just shouted it from the wings. I just stuck the head out from behind the curtains I was like Tommy you're up

go on quick and then I was I was back in that beach it's glorious here it's glorious the sun it's so nice

I'm telling you all this because I'm hoping that Abu Dhabi Tourism Board bring me back out I am willing to flog your country no the UAE is the country I'm willing to Abu Dhabi Tourism Board bring me back out I am willing to flog your country no the UAE is the country I'm willing to flog

this county the city the city it's a city it's a county Abu Dhabi Dubai is the other county I'm in county Abu Dhabi and I'm willing to flog it

no problem I have not been I went to Abu Dhabi before it was like a place to even go all they had to offer there was Ferrari World and I said you know what

Abu Dhabi, I'm going to stay in one of your hotels. I'll stay here. I'm not going to fuck off to Dubai like everyone else. I'm going to stick around here. So if the Abu Dhabi tourists were there listening, that's what I did for you back in the day. We are willing to come here again for free.

I am willing to do it. That's what I'm like. I like to support local businesses. But obviously I'm here on my own because the lads have gone back and sorry just to flag

I did 20 minutes at the top and 15 in the second half just to say I just need people to know I am actually professional I didn't I didn't actually

ring it in I just need people to know that it was such a fun gig and then we all went to the batter I'd love to have seen all of that while you're over there on your single girls holiday,

I have come up with a list for you. Single woman. It's not, there's no one else here. It's just me. Single woman holiday. I came up with a list for you. And I called it my single list for Joanne. Oh, I love this.

You've got to hear me out, okay? First off, you might not have seen this Because I don't know If you can get the Daily Mail Over in Abu Dhabi Because I know you definitely Cannot get Pornhub So it might be the same thing

Harry Styles Recently single Broke up with a girlfriend Free Harry Styles single Lives in Hampstead Just around the corner from you Tattoos

30 Likes an older woman The tattoos Delicious He is gorgeous He likes a what Vogue? tattoos 30 likes an older woman the tattoos delicious he is gorgeous he likes a what Vogue? an older woman a what?

Joanne I hate to tell you but we're both in that category he's 30 years old we're older than him and it is when a woman

dates a much younger man it's empowering when a man dates a much younger woman it's skeezy but we're allowed to do it it's empowering it's called feminism

it's called feminism and also he's 30 he's not like disgustingly young he will have something and he's worldly in the sense that like he's been around the world

and he's cultured yeah he knows things about things he's not just going to sit there and tell you about like nothing because he doesn't do anything

he does stuff he's got stuff to bring to the table I'd say he's got good chat good stories and he's not even going to sit there and tell you about like nothing because he doesn't do anything he does stuff he's got stuff to bring to the table I'd say he's got good chat good stories and he's not even that much younger than me I have dated men I'm very careful

when I say this who are younger and it is empowering if I rocked out here with a nine year old you couldn't say a thing about it you're like that's feminism it's empowering

okay but now don't be annoyed with the rest of the lists then because you have to, you have to think about it, okay? Now, Kevin Costner.

I don't, I don't know any, Kevin Costner. Are you saying, are you saying that I'm an older woman for him? If you build it, he will come. Kevin Costner.

You don't get, no, you're not an older woman for him. He's fucking real old. He's like 60 something And you know what He's had a real hard time Of late Because remember the ex-wife

Wouldn't get out of the house And all that jazz Yeah Christine Bomber pop up She wouldn't get out of the gaff Now he is out there Looking like a smoking hot ride I don't even like tashes

But he's brought the tash back Look at him at Cannes Oh my god I am on Raya, so Kevin, look me up. Can you imagine what that would do

for my career if you started going out with Kevin Costner? Jesus Christ. Kevin Costner's wives and I think, I don't know if I'm really his style,

but maybe if he gets a bit of, maybe if he gets a bit of river blindness or something, he could fall for the accent. And also, he got a 10-minute standing ovation in Cannes and he nearly cried.

You like a crier. 10-minute standing ovation. Crying has its place. I don't like a man to sob gently after sex. That happened once and it was not ideal. Who did that? I think I'd actually be quite delighted with myself

if that happened. No, it didn't. No, it wasn't. It wasn't like crying from the kind of the pleasure of it all. It was he was sad about something else

and I guess I triggered him. It's actually I don't know. Did I pull a move that maybe is ecstatic or something? I don't know did I pull a move that maybe is ecstatic or something I don't know what I did but it

there was some gentle I was like are you okay there was some teary teariness there was a bit of a wet eye which is not an aphrodisiac let me say that clearly right now

keep your tears to yourself cry in the taxi on the way home unless you're getting a standing ovation like Kevin Costner then you can that's fine so freely

yeah last one last one and only because Cry in a taxi on the way home Unless you're getting a standing ovation Like Kevin Costner Then you can Yes that's fine Flow freely Yeah Last one Last one And only because I've seen him twice now Over the last while Once I saw him on Curb Your Enthusiasm

And when I saw him on that The last episode I was like Oh hello And now He's been popping up All over Dublin Bruce Springsteen

Oh I saw you put Bruce Springsteen in the saw you put Bruce Springsteen In the group And I was like I wonder why he's in the group For you I don't know if he's single though I think men are not famous

I don't think it really matters I think they'll just Bang around anyway Well that's nice Bruce Springsteen This is You've done some great Important work

I am a bit out of the loop Over here And I do need to be fed Men ideas And I thought that They were really good ideas I thought the list Was here and I do need to be fed men ideas and I thought that they were really good ideas I thought the list was very diverse

I thought it brought in a lot of people old and young covered yeah yeah I'll come back with a new list next week

do you know it's so funny though right so when I went back on Hinge this time I kind of thought there'd be like a bit of an onslaught like I kind of

I almost went back with like, guys, I'm back. I've reacted. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hi, I'm back. You're welcome. Come on. I know you were sad when I left and deactivated the profile.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I've reactivated it with some new, more realistic photos. I didn't want to lie about it because the photos from three years ago really just don't represent me anymore. I cannot explain how quiet it has been. I'm appalled. Yeah.

You're in Abu Dhabi at the moment. I can't imagine that there's like, if you were in Dubai, it'd be like ping, ping, ping, ping, ping, ping, ping. No, I'm still geographically connected to the UK. Yeah. I mean, not even kind of the elder, kind of in Sally's tiles ones are coming in.

Like, I'm trying to figure out if it's connected properly. I'm like, this just doesn't feel right. It just doesn't feel right. What's going on? And do you know what I think it is? What? Because I'm 41, right? So I'm now in a different box.

Yeah. Oh my God. Yeah. I'm now in a different box. Yeah. Oh my God. Yeah. I'm a victim of the algorithm. I'm a victim of the patriarchy because I'd say a lot of those lads, they're like four, you know, I'm in a different box now. I'd say they're looking for women

under 40. Not knowing what a young, cool, fun soul I have. I think now, and I know this is a bad thing to say, but maybe you should just pop the age of 39 because fuck that algorithm shit. Yous are all taking the piss out of each other on there anyway. Everyone's really mean to each other.

You don't like certain people's voices and stuff. It's gone too far. I just don't want to have to lie about my age, but I will. I think I've no choice and this is on society this isn't on me okay but I am going to have to

try and figure out but you can only change your age twice or something on Hinge and I've already done it before Oh God I know

Do you know what I used to do right because my mum told me to do that I have two things about age I just want to say it to you because you just reminded me of something my mum was like

you should start lying early because like which is a terrible thing to say she's dead right because then nobody will know and I used to lie about it but when I got with Spencer

he'd be like that's bullshit and he'd just rat me out all the time so it got to a point where I was like fuck it I just have to

I have to be honest about it and just say what age I am but like this is from my mum and my mum turned she turned 72 the other day I don't know if she'll care if I said that but I my mum turned, she turned 72 the other day. I don't know if she'll care if I said that, but I've said it.

So she turned 72. I think she might care, but go on. But then Neil, my stepdad, reminded her that actually, Sandra, you're only 71. And Neil said she walked around absolutely thrilled with herself for the whole day.

Imagine waking up, turning 72 and by the end of the day, you're back to 71 What a great day This week I thought I was going through perimenopause Yes

Only because I I'm even sweating now Right Only because I'm even sweating now, right? Like I was sweating in bed to the point where I couldn't even sleep. I had to get up. I had to sleep naked, which I hate doing. And I had to take off the jammies. I was completely sweating.

And then I got my period. So I actually think that we sweat before our period as well but you know that you can still have your period if you're perimenopausal it's not like your period goes

I don't think well I got all wait hang on now I know this sounds really stupid I got all my eggs and stuff checked like so would I still

be like quite high on that if I was perimenopausal or no do they all just disappear have you got a lot of eggs I don't have a lot of eggs? I don't have a lot of eggs, but I have like a,

like I can still have a baby eggs. No, I think when I got mine tested, they were like, what did they say? Your left ovary is very lazy. I think that's what they told me. Excuse me? It's the left side of your body in general just kind of slumps down.

Can't be arsed. My insides have had a stroke. What are you saying? Basically, it was like your left one's very lazy. There's not a lot going on there. But I've decided, that's grand because when I get back, I'm going full force.

I'm in pregnant myself. I've had enough. Well done. I've had enough of drooling over other people's babies. Especially out here and all the little baby crocs and they put the babies in the sea and they're covered head to toe

and they've got goggles and armbands and it's so cute. Maybe I should just teach swimming. Maybe I just need to be a swimming teacher. A kid swimming teacher. That does sound like a good job.

Doesn't it? No, it's awful. Just throwing them in them in there's nothing I made a huge mistake right when I was when I like first of all when I had tea I was like I'm taking him swimming he's eight weeks old don't bother don't take your child swimming at eight weeks old they don't want to swim they're newborn babies but I did because it was my first kid and then I got myself into this whole routine where I had to get in the pool with him every time until he was three and I was like I am not making that mistake again and now my other kids they get into the pool with their teacher and I can stand at the side of the pool sweating I will say because the pool's hot but I don't have to get into the swimming pool and the difference that makes, yeah. So you can just watch from the sidelines. Well, I can be on the phone from my

sidelines, yeah. So you're not really present at all, but the child is in the water and it feels like it's a good day out. I get that. Yeah, they enjoy themselves. Also, I was actually writing a whole thing about the water babies in the book, because you know that we human beings were originally

like blind worms in the water. We were blind water worms. We were some kind of fish, I thought. Water worm first, then fish, then some sort of lizard. Then we were, then we started kind of going into the monkey face. Like holy God himself.

Sorry. Oh my God, I forgot about that version. I'm so sorry. Who's a worm? I've gone big into conspiracy theories at the moment. Don't mind me. Adam and Eve. Yeah, that's the one.

So we've evolved. We've evolved from a worm to a fish. Yeah. And then we were in the trees. And then we had scales. We used to like to keep, to protect us from the heat. And then we learned how to come on the land. And it's a whole thing.

It's a whole thing. Anyway anyway it got me thinking about swimming it's kind of because I'm I don't I don't like deep water I would never open my eyes under the water in either the safety of my own home or a public swimming pool and my poor father rest his soul spent so many nights in the upstairs bathroom with me in my full swimming gear and goggles standing on a step and he'd fill the sink with water and he'd have a little stop watch and he'd encourage me to put my head under with goggles and just open my eyes

with the goggles. And you wouldn't do it? I was like, come on, come on. Yeah, because I just couldn't do it. And I was the biggest child in swimming, but I was a shit of swimmer were you one of those

ones that had a nose a little nose peg I had a nose clip and I was riddled with verrucas every time so I had to wear

those embarrassing little white socks that kids everyone wore the socks did they yeah I wore the socks of course but I was also riddled

with verrucas do you remember the pain of having them burnt off oh my god honestly I used to Did they? Yeah, I wore the socks, of course, but I was also riddled with Veruca's. Do you remember the pain of having them burnt off? Oh my God, honestly, I used to, but now it's like, I don't know anyone with Veruca's nowadays, to be honest with you. Touch wood, I wouldn't like to get one myself, I have to say.

Yeah, it's like Veruca, they're a thing of the past. They're like the plague. They're gone. Yeah, we don't have to worry about them. Or worse, gone. It's basically the clap for kids. That's what I heard.

For Rukas. So you sent something to the group about Bad Wonka in LA. Oh my God. I I just Do you know when something

just really tickles you? something just really tickles you it just really tickles you this has really tickled me so Bad Wonka was the thing where they had like a Wonka experience up in Glasgow and basically people went mental

because they were paying 40 quid a ticket or something and it was absolutely shit it went viral for how shit it was they're trying to recreate the Bad Wonka in LA

they did recreate it. I know. They didn't try. They did. And also, I think we should be wary of our language here. A beauty is in the eye

of the beholder. I don't think we should say bad. I think it's a Willy Wonka experience that some people didn't enjoy. But if it's travelling the world now on a global tour,

that's fucking Riverdance stuff. Do you know what I mean? It's the only time that you'd like look on TripAdvisor and be like one star absolutely loved it

that's so true one star couldn't have been better the shitter this is the more pleased I'm gonna be when I leave yeah

it's like do you remember the page that I love take away trauma where they post people's reviews of you remember the page that I love Takeaway Trauma where they where they post people's reviews of restaurants

and exactly like that this guy said I think I've actually told this story before I'm sure you have he's like not a huge fan

of this pub saw my friend murdered in front of his friends and family trees trees no two stars

he gave it two stars after witnessing a murder two stars after witnessing a murder two stars I like a person like that who's very kind with the stars I know you always want

you always have to have something positive to say but yeah Willy Wonka one star had a fucking ball best day of my life and your one

your one is they've brought her over stop so she's done well in a bit she's the Wonka or the Oompa Loompa they float she's done well in a bit. She's the wonka or the oompa loompa. She's now like

in a live show in LA. It's like that whole Fyre Festival. Remember Fyre Festival? Yeah. You know when you see like the food pictures and it's just like

a piece of bread with just a lump of ham on it. Like that's what they're serving. Oh yeah. Yeah, it definitely had more kind of Bear Grylls vibes than kind of Glastow vibes. But do you know what?

The Fyre Festival thing looked like such a shit show. And they were stuck there. Like, I wouldn't think that was fun now. That's a different cause. No, because you don't know how you're going to get back. I'd love to go to the Willy Wonka experience. Because it's a day out with the fam. You like stuff like that, though.

I do. Yeah, I love culture folk I love art Okay yes Sure sure The Friends experience That you went to So cultural

Well now To be fair No offence to the Friends Because I am a Friends fan Well I certainly was Growing up But weirdly

I couldn't watch it Over and over again Like I can with Sex and the City But anyway I went to the Friends Exhibition In Clapham Common I wasn't watch it over and over again like I can with Sex and the City. But anyway, I went to the Friends exhibition in Clapham Common. I wasn't mad about it.

And do you know why? We just had to fucking queue. Just queue, queue, queue. But that fascinates me that so many people would want to go to that shit. Well, like, it was the biggest show in the 90s. No? I know, but like, I just like,

there's, it's like Madame Tussauds and I went over here because I'd moved to London and I was like, oh my God, I'm going to go to Madame Tussauds like thinking it was going to be amazing. Like,

I don't want to see those. What, have I said it wrong? Madame what? Tussauds, Tussauds, what's her name? The wax place.

No, I completely know what you're trying to say. What is it called? Madame Tussauds. Madame Tussauds. Yeah, Madame Tussauds. Yeah, the brothel in town with all the wax people.

Madame Tussauds. I went to that. I queued outside to go in and look at pretend famous people when I wouldn't even want to look at those famous people in real life. It's very strange when you think about it, isn't it? It is actually really bizarre. I think what's so interesting about it is because the measurements are so on point that that's kind of interesting to be like, oh my God, they're so tiny or whatever. But yeah, like why would I be going to look at a fucking load of candles for the day? Why would I queue

to look at a load of candles? There's always a queue outside that place. It's never, it never doesn't have a queue. I don't get it. They don't even light them. They've never lit them. You can't even go in and watch one of them burn to the ground for fun. Shit crash.

Tourist attractions though, like it's even like with Buckingham Palace. Like I drive by there every day and I'm like but you're standing outside just taking a there's nothing there like no one's there. Would they not let you in? Oh listen I've tried. I've tried. I did. I told you I got in once

but then I had something else on that I actually couldn't get out of and I also am worried that I will be excommunicated from Ireland if I do enter the doors of Buckingham Palace

but I promise I won't do a Bogald off unless they offer. Was it an early night? Is that what you didn't want to miss? They invited me after 8pm I said absolutely fucking not.

I actually find that rude to be honest an invitation like that. I matinee only from now on. That's it. I'm a matinee girl. I'd love to go in just for a goo.

I would go in for a goo. Of course you'd go in for a goo. I'd love it. So would go in for a goo. Of course you'd go in for a goo. Yeah, you'd go in for a goo. So, I'm in Abu Dhabi and I've only a limited amount of time here and I really, really wanted to get a tan. I haven't had a tan in so long

because obviously, bare by Vogue's White Book goes to 20 blah blah blah. I haven't needed one, but I was like I was really determined to get a tan and with absolutely no regard for my future self, I sat. That's the way you always work. I never care about my future self. Never.

I never think about her. I'm just like, fuck you. Fuck tomorrow, Joanne. Fuck her. Do you know what, though? Do you know what, though? You're actually right. Because when we went to Australia and I was like, nope, I'm staying up till 8pm.

And you're like, fuck that, I'm going to bed. It was three o'clock in the day and Joanne went to bed for nine hours. And I was like, no, staying up till eight. And then both of us were still awake at one o'clock.

And I was like, fuck. The jet lag. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You were trying to do it all right. Taking all the advice. I'm going to nail this. Shh, Joanne,

I'm going to sleep on the plane now for three hours because that's what I have to do. Doesn't work. But it doesn't work. That's the thing. You'm going to nail this. Joanne, I'm going to sleep on the plane now for three hours because that's what I have to do. Doesn't work. But it doesn't work. That's the thing. You have to just go. I was just nodding off

all times of the day and whenever my eyelids got a little bit heavy, I just shut them and was like, fuck future Joanne. I was horrible to myself on that trip.

I was pinching myself to stay awake. I forced myself to go walking down to that stupid cruise. Oh, you're better off doing what Joanne does. Go on, tell us what you did.

I was very kind to myself, but this is one of the times I wasn't kind to myself. So I laid out with my ass bare in the air. I fell asleep oh no not under the shade the sun was going down

the umbrella had been taken down by one of the lads oh god and I was like it's all fine everything's fine it's a little red, but it, you know, it's going to come good in the end. I'll be brown and sexy

in 48 hours. I literally, I thought I'd have to do this podcast standing up, walking around the room. I am in so much pain. I'm in so, can I shower to you?

Yes. It's all going to peel off your arse. We're not going to show this, but I am going to. I'm actually taking my pants off oh my actually you're gonna

want to show that your arse looks great actually it does look right there just look what's that on there Joanne yeah

I've destroyed myself yeah I can't even put my shorts back up they're so sore well they're denim and that's all just gonna peel off and be like not if I myself. Yeah. I can't even put my shorts back up. They're so sore. Well they're denim and that's all just

going to peel off and be like. Not if I, no I think if I really commit to the aloe vera which I've bought, bought like a gallon of it today

and I've been lashing it on then it might be okay. But even that, the difference between with the white versus the red, like I can't, it's ludicrous.

Yeah but a tan line is sexy. A tan line is sexy a tan line is sexy not that one yet not that one yet size no it's not and then

there was two girls on the beach and they were laughing at me stop maybe they were laughing with you because they knew

you were a comedian not at you no they weren't like oh hey Joanne loving your work they were speaking they were speaking in Arabic looking at my ass and laughing.

I know. I think they were Lebanese. I always think the hot ones are Lebanese. I was bullied by two Lebanese women on the beach. And then I looked at them and I kind of smiled and they were like, have a good day. And I was like, yeah, sure. Oh, what little bitch. No, I won't have a good day.

You've obviously seen my arse. There's no good days to come. There's not going to be a good day had here for at least four to eight working days. Until this thing calms down. My big beetroot ass. When Speno used to drink like heavily back in the day,

he was in Africa and he basically, he drank loads and he hadn't gone to bed the night before and it was like seven o'clock in the morning or something and he fell asleep

on a sun lounger because he was like I'll just sleep here for a while and get a tan because he's obsessed with tanning and he woke up like eight hours later and he was completely scalded

to the point he had to go to hospital he had done so much like his face and everything was swollen so he had to go to hospital yeah he went to hospital

and they had to put him on drips and everything and then he said he got home and like he was fully swollen because he'd

gotten himself so burnt why this is like when he overdosed on Sudafed or something wasn't he

he overdosed on Calpol he overdosed on Calpol and He overdosed on cowpaw And had to have a stomach It's a little Lego Falling out of it Like a child It's the goals

For a tablet But he still does this On holidays When we go away All the time He'll put oil on his face And he's like Oh I've got blisters

On my lips again Oh it happens every time And I'm like That doesn't happen Every time Unless you burn yourself Yeah No No to burning We're too white We just shouldn't be In the sun every time and I'm like that doesn't happen every time unless you burn yourself yeah no

we're too white we're too white we just shouldn't be in the sun that's just the truth of it certainly not in the desert with your arse out we're just too

bloody white oh yeah I know and I was walking up back from the sea the sea here is amazing and I can't even get relief from the sea because the sea is quite warm

is that an actual sea or is it like a man-made sea I don't know get relief from the sea because the sea is quite warm. Is that an actual sea or is it like a man-made sea? No, it's the sea. Is it? I believe so. Is there a sea? Sorry, just to say, Chris, can we,

where am I, Chris? Is there a sea in Abu Dhabi's location on the Arabian Gulf? That's what it was, I knew. Yeah, it felt like a gulf. Yeah, yeah. You were in Arabian Gulf. That's what it was. I knew, yeah, it felt like a gulf. Yeah, yeah. You were in the gulf.

I was gulfing. On the Arabian Peninsula. I was clearly gulfing on the peninsula. That's what I knew. I knew there was something extra going on. It didn't feel like swimming. I said, I'm definitely gulfing here.

This is a gulfing vibe. But I was, when I finished gulfing, I walked back to my lounger. So my beetroot ass was in front of these two girls. And that's when the, that's when the bullying started.

I didn't, I didn't know you went away to be bullied. This is bullshit. I was like, there's a special place in hell for me when you slack off. I didn't do anything,

of course. I just hid in shame. And actually, I think that's mean to slag someone else's misfortune Like that's painful as well You're laughing at someone Who's in pain

And it's pain to come Yeah And I also said Do you know I have to treat this By putting live natural yogurt On my ass Do you know how hard that is

Yeah And it's going to stink Because it's basically Going to cook on my ass I have to lay myself out Alone in my room And cover myself And yuck

and you're just there with your perfectly like they're so gorgeous and their skin's so gorgeous and they don't have tan lines and their hair is perfect they never have extensions it's just natural grey hair

never huge lashes I have another holiday that you need to go on. Okay? Hear me out. I'm not going to Purple Dragon. I know that you are unsure of going on a cruise,

but I read in the paper this week that there's a sex cruise from the woman who started the sex club Killing Kittens. Kittens? No way! Killing Kittens. No way! Killing Kittens, the cruise. Sex. All the time.

Are they looking for entertainers? How? No, sorry. You're your own entertainment. They don't want to... I don't think... No. It's not like the nude cruise.

This is the sex cruise. So the sex is the entertainment. Yeah, but they have to do something in the evenings. I've been booked to do a cruise. This is the sex cruise. So the sex is the entertainment. Yeah, but they have to do something in the evenings. I've been booked to do a cruise. Yeah, they're riding. I've been booked to do a cruise in September. Not this one. That is a fair point well made, Vogue.

That is a fair point well made. I just assumed they'd be getting that done in the morning get it out of the way and then they can enjoy themselves for the rest of the day because I have been booked I'm going to

I'm going from Portsmouth to Amsterdam I'm doing a cruise like for I'm doing I'm the comic on the cruise

and I thought that's why I was like maybe they're doing I would love to go on that cruise you say yes to the weirdest jobs and say no to other jobs. Hi, Joanne.

Apple would love to work for you. No fucking thanks. Hi, Joanne. Do you want to go on a cruise from Portsmouth? Yes, please. Yeah, like Apple. I don't work on Wednesdays

if that's the only offer. I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Apple. I'm going to have to turn that job down. But I am fully willing. I'm sorry, Apple. I'm going to have to turn that job down. But I am fully willing. I'm fully willing to sell Caniston online. Because it seats my timetable. If Stenaline would like anyone for the sailing rail,

Joanne McNally is raring to go. I just thought it'd be a nice way to see Portsmouth and Amsterdam. I love a boat. I think the sex cruise is more for you. But the only problem with the sex cruise is like, the kind of rules are, yeah, you have to have sex all day, every day. And that doesn't really sound like a holiday to me. No, you don't have to.

All day every day, Joanne. Sorry, it's not a gang rape on the sea. Like you don't have to have sex all day, every day. All day. Every goddamn day. The smell of sex on that boat would be revolting by the sea. Like you don't you don't have to have sex all day. All day. Every goddamn day. The smell of sex on that boat would be revolting

by the end. Not again, Captain. Not again. Did I ever tell you? Oh my God. You have to have sex all day, every day. I'd be getting lifted off it

I'd be like get the crane no more no more please I can't take another dick into sea I think I'd have to go less after a while

I wouldn't be able for that much too much yeah too much physical pummeling really ultimately it'd be absolutely I once did a TV show

on sex and I swear to you I basically right I had to go to it was a sex party but like an orgy

and I was like oh my god this is gonna be absolutely like amazing you don't go to parties was it a day party

it was a well it was an evening party but I was getting to go and be a voyeur and go and look at the sex and not have to get involved which is even better for me

but anyway so we're on the way down it's absolutely lashing rain outside because we're in Ireland and we get to County Offaly where the where the sex where she was

I'm sorry now I might get in trouble for this but if you had said to me what county do you think it's least likely that the sex party was being held in? I probably would have said Offaly. Or Roscommon for some reason. Anyway, so we get to Offaly.

We drive into an industrial estate. Oh my God. I can't say I'm aroused at any point yet in this story. Go on. So we get into the venue and it was the grimmest place I have ever fucking been in my life. The bang of death all over the place.

At least I knew it was clean. It was clean. But I went on the Late Late Show, which is a chat show in Ireland to talk about my new documentary. And like I had mentioned the smell of death all and the owner of the sex orgy party place was furious that I had said that it smelled like Dettol. And I'm like, dude, it fucking reeked of Dettol. It was just like Dettol all over the place.

And these little swings. It was really bad. And then. So a sex party in an industrial estate in Offaly. Yeah, I mean, it was eventful. And I only, I got the ride twice, so I was quite happy. Vogue's in there on a swing. Anyone can head in at any time. She's absolutely up for it.

There was this woman who was such well she was the biggest ride there by quite some margin and they were honestly around her

like a fly to shit she was just surrounded by people but I would I like to party and have sex separately

they're not something I want to really kind of combine I've never felt more heard by somebody yeah I'm either I'm either partying or I'm having sex something I want to really kind of combine. I've never felt more heard by somebody. Yeah. I'm either partying or I'm having sex.

Spenny wants to go out and then he wants to come home. And while I'm in the middle of telling him about my dead dad, he wants to then go off and have sex. But I'm busy telling him about my dead dad for the 50th time after a few drinks. See, when you talk about your dead dad all the time, it is hard to kind of sneak sex in there. It's like, if he didn't, he'd never have sex.

But you don't understand, he was 68 at the time. He was a child. He was a child. It's whenever, honestly, it's when I get over the threshold of age drinks, I'm like, Freddie. So I've looked into the whole killing kittens thing. I know somebody who's actually been to a killing

kittens party. Guess who it is. We'll call out his name. Who do I know that would have gone to killing a killing kittens partner. Guess who it is. We'll call out his name. Who do I know that would have gone to killing kittens? Come on. It's so easy. No, unusually not. Spencer? No, not Spencer, for fuck's sake.

Maybe back in the day, I don't know. Your brother. Oh, the other one, the old one. That's just, no, that's it. Maybe back in the day, I don't know. Your brother. Oh, the other one. The old one. That's just, no, that's it. We're finished now. I can't believe you wouldn't be able to guess who that was.

Well, I have to be honest with you. I would rather go to a sex club in Offaly than a private members club in Mayfair. Thank you. Well, your nose literally just grew seven inches there because that is a load of bollocks.

So more information about the sex cruise. I mean, I don't know. It's just a cruise that you can go on. I think it's a week long sex cruise. Joanne, honestly,

you have to really think about this. You have to consider it. You can't just be the pervert in the corner watching every hoodie. You're going to have to get involved.

Sorry, you went awfully as a pervert. That's literally what you just said you did. You're telling me you're going to go sit in the corner With your hands down your pants No No Vogue

I'll be on stage Performing And they're doing whatever they need to do In the auditorium Okay so are you telling me Okay you're obviously going to go and do Like some kind of ping pong show or something You're not going up there

To do your comedy It's not the It's not the venue for it I just think that They're going to need A break in the riding At some point And when they do

When that break comes They're going to want A bit of light entertainment So I'm going to I'm going to have I'm going to get Rick To contact them I think this is an opportunity

Well I'm just saying to you That if I had paid To go on a sex cruise And there was any break In the riding I'd be annoyed Because the break in the riding Would be when I got home from the sex cruise when I had to go back to my husband you know that is that is you're you have a great idea about

yourself don't you spending I'm just off on a cruise with Joanne yeah we're going to Amsterdam you've a great you you're very deluded about your sexual stamina. I've said this to you before. Excuse me? What would you say? Excuse me? I said you're very deluded about your sexual stamina. I've said this to you before.

Have you seen me after four drinks? Have you? I'd ride one of them. Certainly have. I've seen you intimately, in fact. And I'm ready to go

after four drinks and there is no stopping me. No, you're not. And it's terrifying to watch, is the truth. I just start riding chairs and stuff, whatever's there. Oh my God. Can everyone just...

Everyone needs to leave. We don't know what she's going to do now. You thought they were good at Magic Mike? Wait till you see me after five podcasts. God love her. You'll see me after five podcasts. God love her. Do you know what I'd love to talk about?

What? Why has everyone turned on J-Lo? Have you noticed this? You know women who get married loads of times, like it always is, because I was thinking about this today when you just sent me, Joanne just sent a message saying J-Lo. And I think that when a woman

gets married loads of times, you always have to think that like, oh, she must be really hard work. When actually, maybe the guys she's with are really hard work and she's not really hard work and she's only going to go out

with somebody that she, and marry somebody that she loves. He looks like a moany hole as well. Vogue, I, this is your, I love you, but you're projecting yourself. This sounds like something you want to say about yourself.

And you're using JLo as the vehicle. As a fellow divorcee, I think that the people that have been divorceed are more of the problem. Okay? I agree. I do.

It's always the man's fault. Always. Always. Even when it's not, It's always the man's fault. Always. Always. Even when it's not it kind of is. But I don't think that's why they're it's that they're

all these people are coming out that she's so difficult and they worked there and she was a dick and Ben's so sound and she's so mean and I just feel

there's this kind of pile on happening against JLo for some reason. Now, I know that recent film she made about her and Ben's relationship

was, it was, you know, not great, whatever. But, you know, everyone's going to put out an old turkey

every now and again. That's kind of what happens when you're in that world. You know, not everything's going to be fantastic. I think J-Lo was already known to be difficult to work with. I also think that,

they're all difficult. I know, but I also think that there's so many pictures of her and Ben Affleck and he always just looks like he's just gone you know that way and I don't think

that that helps that's on him I just feel there's kind of a witch hunt happening for JLo at the moment and I just JLo if you're listening

which I mean she could be she isn't if Ben's listening or anyone Ben that's possible that which I mean she could be she isn't if Ben's listening or anyone Ben that's possible that's possible yeah Ben could be

yeah we just want to send her our love and we hope she's okay because you know and Ariana Grande as well we're worried

there's a that pylon can't be easy to deal with I went in and Ariana what's Ariana done nothing but she's obviously going out with that guy who was married and had the baby but you're one so Ariana done? Nothing but she's obviously

going out with that guy who was married and had the baby but you're one so it's not great and she's obviously getting all sorts of shit for it that she kind of went in

and lured him away and all the it's the usual story where the woman gets completely blamed even though the man is the one with the commitment Well I think they're both

kind of whatever went down wasn't great from either of them No but this is life this is what happens people cheat

and they move out and they go marry someone else. Like it's not an unusual situation. It's not, you know, it happens a lot. But because Ariana is Ariana, obviously she's getting it in the neck, left, right and centre. Well, I have something I want to talk to you about.

You know, the way I love, I love death. I don't love dead bodies, but I love talking about death. So there was a bunch of tourists, like 10 to 12 people and they basically went to spread the ashes of their loved one into the sea in Turkey and there was a big like health scare of the sea like everyone had to be evacuated from the water they had to do a big clear out of the water because it turns out you can't just go to like a nice beach and just chuck a load of dead body in the beach.

People don't like it. It's so embarrassing. Imagine, imagine you're cremated. Your family take your ashes out to toss into the sea and imagine the humiliation of everyone now screaming and running back in and you're now a hazard. Yeah. Like.

Even in death, you have to be embarrassed. Yeah. That's what I thought. But like they had a whole, like they practically had a fucking bishop in the water with them. They had a whole,

it was so obvious what they were doing. They might as well have just brought the body and just floated it off. Like everyone knew. It's the most intense, it's the most intense

story of body shaming I've ever heard. And I'm not here for it. Like, the person's dead. Hold your nose. Turn away. Like, just let them do their thing. Like, you don't have to be screaming.

Like, it's like, you know, like a shark has just tried to eat a child on a beach. Ah, now listen. I wouldn't mind. No, sorry. Of course you wouldn't mind. Like, no. I would't mind. No, sorry. Of course you wouldn't mind. Like, no, I would hate that. Swimming in a dead body, there's like a fucking finger goes into your mouth.

No, thanks. If I am too polite, I would say nothing. If an eyeball flew into my open mouth because I was wide open with shock, I would say nothing. I would swallow it and offer my condolences. I walked by a hearse the other day.

There wasn't even a coffin in it. It was outside a church but the door was open of the hearse and I found myself holding my breath as I walked by. I know!

It just happened naturally because I didn't want to breathe in any dead body. It was outside the church open. Was it moving? No, it was open outside the church,

parked, but there was no coffin in it anymore. Obviously they'd moved into the church, but naturally I walked by and just went, until I got by.

There wasn't even a body in it. No, but I know that there would have been a body like festering in there. It was a hot day and I thought, I don't want to breathe in any like dead fumes.

Yeah. You can't, death is not contagious. You can't catch it. It's not like the mumps. Yeah. You can't. Death is not contagious. You can't catch it. It's not like the mumps. No. I just. I'm weird about bodies.

It's like that pizza place in Dublin. Beside a funeral home. I'm like. I'd never have pizza from there. I love a dead body. You can rely on them. They're nice and cool. Like obviously with the sunburn at the moment.

If I could come into. If I saw her striving past this hotel, I'd run out, grab the body from the back and then sleep on top of it to cool myself. Joanne, you were so in there with the tourism board of Abu Dhabi,

you could have asked to pop down to the morgue. I'm sure they'd allow it. You're actually so right. I... Off you go. Where are you off to today, Joanne? Just down to the local morgue? they'd allow it. You're actually so right. Off you go. Where are you off to today,

do you want to stay into the local morgue? I genuinely think they'd send a car and everything. I really think they'd facilitate that for me. I could just roll around in there all night.

Tipping off one body to the next. Oh, he's gone warm. Next. I've had him out of the drawer too long. Put him back in. Bring him in next. Starting to smell.

Oh no, no, we're going too far. We can't go too far with this. His gut's stinging. Oh God, I love Abu Dhabii I just love it out here I love it for the morgues I just I've never felt so respected Or seen

Like it's crazy Like I don't want to go home Well you have to And we will see you When are you leaving? You're leaving in like tomorrow Or the next day? I'm leaving now

I'm leaving here Half eight I'm on my way to the airport In about three hours You're leaving here half eight. I'm on my way to the airport in about three hours. You're leaving here today? Tonight, yeah. I thought you were going for five days.

Was that five days? Yeah. Didn't I fly in? I've been time flies. You're having fun, Joanna. Isn't that it? Time doesn't adjust. Doesn't adjust.

And a mosquito, but like you'd want to see. I have been devoured. Devoured. You tasty little bitch bitch put that on your Hinge profile I think that's it for today

we are actually having a little break for the next two weeks I'm off to Africa we are I'm going to the East African Experience so I'll tell you all

about the cheetahs upon my return I'm back in here so I will tell you all about the cheetahs upon my return I'm back in here so I will tell you all about the cheetahs and that's what we will bring cheetahs, cheetahs cheetahs and cheetahs the best way to do it

you need to put that profile down to 39 gotta do it for yourself I actually completely agree with you do you know that and I don't even feel bad about it because I feel like I am a victim of misogyny. And I will, so I will lie. Yeah.

And I think it's fair. By the way, Joe is away. So Chris is looking after us. Joe's on holidays. We didn't, I didn't agree to it. I don't know who let him off. Who let him off? Well, what I will say is,

I feel like... He's not on holidays. No, Joe goes on a lot of holidays there's been a lot of trips away now have you noticed that it's okay for us to be on holidays

all the time but it's actually not okay for Joe to be on holidays he's got that wrong do you know where he's gone no I think he's just

having a holiday at home where he doesn't have to go to work which is nice oh yeah home haul nice a home haul thanks everyone for listening

and we will be back with a new ep in two weeks two weeks and yeah that's it really Thank you.