My Therapist Ghosted Me - Worms, Crabs & Ghosts On A Loop
Episode Date: November 4, 2022This week, Joanne shares her must-see horror films, Vogue fills us in on poltergeists and we learn why you mustn't eat a live crab. Plus, Heidi Klum as a (sexy) worm and Vogue & Joanne's plans for the...ir "forever home".If you’d like to get in touch, you can send an email to hello@MTGMpod.comMTGM is going on tour in Ireland & The UK! Remember to check the venue websites as well as Ticketmaster! For more information about Joanne's gigs, just visit www.joannemcnally.comThank you!
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This is a Global Player Original Podcast.
Hello and welcome to My Therapist Goes With Me with me, Boag Williams and Joanne McLean.
This is my day off, so I'm having a gin and tonic
because I have to look
at you two scrotes
wait what time is it
that's two o'clock
probably not our first
it is actually
how dare you
well I had two drinks
on the plane
and I can understand
why people drink
on the plane
I was locked
Amber was like I don't even remember going to duty free I don't remember buying that vodka And I can understand why people drink on the plane. I was locked.
Amber was like, I don't even remember going to duty free. I don't remember buying that vodka on the way out.
I'm like, what?
I wasn't that bad.
Her nipples pierced in duty free.
I mean, they should start doing tattoos in the airport.
Can you imagine the carnage?
It'd be fucking hilarious.
It'd be absolutely horrific
imagine waking up with like
a huge Buddha on your back
sometimes I wish
I had woken up with one
in Birmingham airport
she didn't even make it out
she didn't even get on the plane
I know
the work is done
the work is done
but also like
everything else you did
it doesn't really matter
because you've just got to be concerned
with the tattoo that you're after getting that's why that show what's
it called um I don't even think it's on anymore the tattoo show on MTV and they like they make
them get like they choose the tattoo for them but they choose the worst like they would get a shit
on their leg and stuff like that it's really cruel and they don't see it till the end it's like tattoo
no it's not tattoo fixers obviously if they're drawing a shite on their leg
yeah it's like
I think I remember
that one
and your woman's
her boyfriend
got a shit put on her leg
and she was
absolutely devastated
and he thought
like that's the shit
you do on a stag
you don't do that stuff
to your girlfriend
do you know what I mean
like
it's kind of funny though
it's kind of funny
the only reason
I've never gotten a tattoo
is because I just
I have no moral fibre is because I just,
I have no moral fiber or backbone.
I just don't care about anything enough to get it tattooed on myself,
unfortunately.
If I could work on getting some ethics
or morals or beliefs,
if someone could hammer a belief system
in something,
in something,
if I could believe in anything.
Although,
oh,
I think maybe I do believe in something.
So,
I'm in TikTok now
I've noticed
I'm in
She sends me endless TikToks
She's really gotten into this TikTok
I just banged them all out
Next
But
I'm loving TikTok
Loving TikTok
I
This is how much of a TikTok loser I am now.
I can't believe I wasn't in it before.
So I went in,
I was getting my hair done by Katie and Larry King.
Pluggy, plug, plug.
And she was like,
I'm surprised you don't get into TikTok more.
She was talking about some story
where this girl
was getting her eyelashes done
and your woman was doing her eyelashes.
Her dog ripped off her eyelid.
And she had to get it put back on,
all this jazz.
Anyway, she was telling me these stories. And I was like's gonna put back on all this jazz anyway she's
telling me these stories and i was like where are you getting all these she's like tiktok
so i left the hairdressers with my new power woman business bob do you have a bob now thank you fab
got a bobblehead um i also have a bob now i went to do you yeah i got a bob when i go on my
holliers i take out all the stenos,
whip a bob in. Yeah,
yeah,
yeah.
Yeah,
go natch.
Yeah.
Natch in St. Barthes.
Exactly.
So I left the hairdresser's,
went to a pub on my own,
nothing new there.
Had three large wines
and just sat laughing
to TikTok videos
on my own
in the middle of the pub.
And it was like Friday night
and everyone else
was like having
this great time around me and I had
a ball I had an absolute ball on my own so when Joanne says she loves TikTok like don't expect
any TikToks from her she just loves sitting watching other people's I when I wanted to when
I first thought about getting into TikTok I was like I'm gonna like I can't do all those dancey
dancey reels like I just I'm too old secondly I recently did a photo shoot it
was actually last week and they had me dancing behind decks right and when I say I actually
started getting upset I wasn't angry I started becoming upset because I hate dancing so much
and I had to pretend to dance for so long and I was like if I ever have to I actually not
to sound unrelatable but I actually rang Louisa who is my manager and I said Louisa put it into
the contract that I don't dance I don't dance Bo doesn't dance no I think that I would have that
Bo doesn't dance she'll walk In a straight line Backwards and forwards I'll do a lot of things
I won't dance
She will spin
She will spin the decks
Whatever that means
To Vogue
But she will certainly
Not dance
The most awkward part
About dancing
Is starting to dance
If everyone could just
Look at the wall
Until I start
Okay
If everyone could just
Turn their back at me until I start.
I need to find the rhythm.
And then once the rhythm's there, then everyone can look.
Do you know what I mean?
There's nothing I want to see more now than you starting to dance.
I know.
It's just going from completely still to, and we're going, come on, here we go.
Okay, we're going to move the arms.
The legs are going to catch up.
No, if you have a drink, if you have a drink in one hand and your bag in the other,
your arms are taken care of.
I like that.
And then I'll just do the old legs and the hips.
The arms are taken care of.
You can't do anything.
They're full.
Yeah.
Put your hands in your pockets and just shift from side to side.
This is why smoking was very handy.
Oh God, I miss that.
Yeah.
Two fags, you know what I mean?
One in each hand,
like little,
what are they called?
Glow bands, glow wars, glow bands.
Yeah, they're like little glow sticks.
Glow sticks.
Glow sticks.
Yeah.
Yeah, it's the starting is the problem.
Finishing is fine.
You just stop.
There's really nothing to that,
but it's the starting.
I've actually never thought about that. And you get onto, you just go onto the dance floor and that but it's the starting I've actually never
thought about that and you get onto you just go onto the dance floor then you have to start doing
a different kind of walk I know like me and you it's like if I walk onto the dance floor it's
like so shall we start or who's gonna start moving we were in a beat that and we had to go to a club
and I mean everyone was full on dancing you were was so embarrassing. You were quite a good dancer.
I will give you that.
Like, I felt embarrassed.
And we didn't have a drink.
Remember, we couldn't get a drink.
So my hands were empty.
You didn't see me start though.
I wouldn't let the cameras on me until I was seven minutes in.
I was like, please don't put a camera on me until I've got my rhythm.
Oh no.
I was like, come on, vote. Come on. on like dancing is embarrassing enough when you're
not feeling it but it's it's worth it's fucking camera crew just with the camera
camera crew and like i knew it would look good if i got into it but also i was surrounded by
dancers who were literally like it doesn't matter i've watched them stars they're very good at
starting and they were like absolutely killing it and i'm like trying to fist pump and like i literally had no rhythm
because i was so embarrassed i needed i nearly broke so brocked over and said get me two cans
of your best white claw and i'm gonna just once i have once i'm two in i want a drink now that
you're having a drink but god it's very early for me what time is it oh my god it's ten past ten
I can't
if I go to the
fridge now
Sven you'll be like
look the real
yeah you'll be like
you're clearly
talking to Joanne
before 11am
what I would
recommend is a
little is a
hard seltzer
a hard seltzer
before 11am
I can't I don't
have any of them
but they don't
have that much
stuff on the
island
so tell us
where are you, Vogue?
I'm in St. Bart's for two weeks.
Say what?
St. Bart's.
Do you own part of that island?
I don't own any of the island, unfortunately.
I don't even have a foothold in a property here.
And I wish I did because there are some delicious spots out here, I have to say.
Do you know what?
There is all over the ground.
Okay.
There was a couple of dead cats, but there's a lot of cats on the island, right?
So, Sonia and I went for a run around the island.
Loads of feral cats.
I saw a dead bat.
I actually saw a run over tortoise, but there's tortoises, like, everywhere you walk, you see these.
And, like, we've had to stop three times now
to pick them off the road
and put them back into the bush
because they just wander
across the road
like it's the most amazing place
so we've been going around
looking at loads of dead animals
basically
amazing
so spooky
but so Halloween
do you think that maybe
could I
I could afford to go to St Barth
if I brought like
a Wendy Hayes tent
and just like
luckily luckily a lot of
I'm in a bin
I'm like how much
I'll take that bin for the week
It's 60 grand
You couldn't afford the bin over here
certainly not over Christmas
That's why we're not coming to Christmas
We couldn't even afford a bin
What an amazing place to be able to go
My God
I was in Birmingham
Did you see she dressed up for Halloween? No, I didn't What an amazing place to be able to go. My God. I was in Birmingham.
Did you see she dressed up for Halloween?
No, I didn't.
Well, I mean, to say this costume was worth the 15 pounds.
If you dressed her up like a slutty cat, I'm ringing social services.
She absolutely hated it, right?
She cried.
I couldn't even bribe her.
I offered her a croissant I offered her sweets
just for one smile
she couldn't give me
one smile
she couldn't take it
is she wearing crocs
she's wearing crocs
yeah
I did have her little heels
you know her little heels
that she goes around in the plastic ones?
She's wandering around the house naked just in those little heels this morning.
You can see her clipping around everywhere.
No wonder she's bawling, crying.
She's wearing Crocs.
She looks like she's about to do a night shift in an Alzheimer's camp.
Excuse me.
That poor child.
Have you put your feet in a pair of Crocs?
We discussed Crocs.
They're back.
Her smile.
Or sorry, her crying.
She reminds me. I was watching E.T're back. Her smile. Or sorry, her crying. She reminds me,
I was watching E.T.
on the plane over.
She reminds me
of when they dressed up E.T.
Did you just spit back into your glass?
The ice, yeah.
You look like you just hockered into your glass.
I'm willing to swap saliva with myself.
That is something I am willing to do.
What did you dress up as for Halloween, Joanne?
Well, so I went to a Mac party on Halloween.
So I did my first Apollo on...
I saw that.
That's Friday.
So thanks to everyone who came.
Really enjoyed it.
And also, thanks to everyone who's come to all the shows recently.
They've been a great crack.
Birmingham was a great crack.
Trim, great crack.
Anyway, do you remember your man?
I think he goes by Marcella
Yes yes yes
Remember he dressed up
As me and you
And he did the makeup
And it was really on point
And you were kind of
Slowly
You were kind of
Holding a radio to your ear
And kind of fake DJing
Or whatever
And we thought it was
Really funny
He was brilliant
He was there
Dressed up
I don't know why
He was dressed up
But these
The makeup artists
They're like magicians
I don't know how
They do it.
It was unbelievable.
I felt so lazy.
I was wearing nothing.
Mac, in fairness,
and they just put a veil on my head.
I don't understand.
Why are we there?
I don't get it.
Because they were just like
coming along to the Mac party
and I was like,
yeah, I don't do anything.
I'll go to the Mac party.
I went to the free mascara.
Did you get a nice goodie bag
at the Mac party? I did, yeah.
Alan took half of it.
I was like, where are you
going to wear black lipstick, Alan?
He's like, you're getting everything.
I'm like, you want black Mac lipstick?
Okay. Do you want
black Mac lipstick? What do you get up to when I'm not here?
Well, I actually thought it'd be kind of handy
for like dressing up and stuff.
It was spooky, you know,
gowly.
Did you see
Heidi Klum dressed up as a worm?
No, I didn't.
I love the way she does that.
That's my kind of vibe.
Heidi Klum worm.
Let me see.
But it's like,
that's how hot.
I thought it was slutty.
See, I didn't know
worms could be sluts.
Did you know worms could be sluts?
I didn't know.
Oh my God.
It's slutty season, obviously, if you're drunk. Is she a slutty worm? I didn't know worms could be sluts. Did you know worms could be sluts? I didn't know. Oh my god.
Is she a slutty worm?
Well, she has to be. It's Halloween. Everything
you dress up as is a slutty version. So she's
a worm. So I'm guessing. She actually looks
completely disgusting.
Oh, well, she got out
of her worm suit and then she's in this little
glittery bodysuit. Yeah, of course.
But it's such a
it's such a power play
she's like
I'm so hot
that I don't have to use
Halloween as an excuse
to look hot
I can look
ah she kind of did
she did
she did the worm
and then she got out
of the worm
and looks like
an absolute goddess
if you're gonna go
like an ugly pig
go like an ugly pig
okay
the last time I dressed up
for Halloween
I was probably about seven years of age
and my mum just put a hat on me
and I walked around the estate looking for sweets.
You know, we were an ever big dressy up family.
No, yeah, yeah, yeah, no.
No, yeah.
I dressed up as the exorcist girl.
Then the last one,
the last proper one I did,
I was Voldemort.
You see, great at the time,
have 7,500 drinks and then find yourself in the shower at
six o'clock in the morning, ripping Mala off your face. Not great. Who's Voldemort? I know him.
From, uh, your man up the road. Yeah. Your man up the road. I know. I remember. I know that name.
Who is he? I just like dressing up. I'm genuinely asking who Voldemort is. From Harry Potter.
Voldemort. Oh oh I never got into that
I never got into the
Harry Potter stuff
you I reckon you would
quite fancy
Voldemort
really
wouldn't
wouldn't he be
Joanne's vibe
defo yeah
yeah
does he have a toolbox
he doesn't have a toolbox
he's got a
he's got a wand
he's got no nose
oh I do love a flaw yeah so he's looking he
actually does look good i do love a scar i genuinely i find it quite sexy i don't know
what that is oh i like a scar or something like that but did you see actually one halloween
caution and machine gun kelly and god what's her blood megan fox you know what i actually
i was actually thinking if vogue if me and you went with a Halloween party,
that's who we should dress up as.
No, I couldn't actually.
I'd be Machine and you'd be Megan.
Come on.
Okay, fine.
Okay, I'll do that.
We need to go as a two-star.
No, I don't like dressing up as, like, I don't know.
They just really gross me out, to be honest.
Them and the Kravis two are just hideous and courtney
kardashian right i watch them because obviously i watch the kardashians and her and travis stand
on a red carpet and they don't even like their lips don't touch they just go like this
and just start like licking each other and it's like if you if you guys have a problem
then maybe you should look at yourself and think, why am I not this happy?
It's like, shut up.
You are more on.
Yeah, we don't.
We've had enough now.
It's like we know you're even Megan Fox dressed up in bondage gear, getting led around on a machine gun.
We get it.
You're riding like the clappers.
On her knees with her tongue out.
You're not the only one having sex.
Grow up.
Alan was in the tour.
He came to, he drove to Birmingham Alan was in the tour he came to
he drove to Birmingham
with us in the like
tour car
and
he tried to touch me
at one stage
and I was like
get the fuck
away from me
I'm at work
even though we were just
driving up a motorway
I was like
don't you dare
he was like
oh my god
and he tried to call me babe
and I was like
it's Joanne
Joanne
you're such a little witch.
He's so nice.
No, what I mean is,
when it comes to,
and then the people going on
with this absolutely irresponsible PDA,
it's disgusting.
People don't need to know.
People know you're riding.
You're in a relationship.
That's what most people do in relationships.
Did you see her down on her knees
getting communion off him?
It's like, dude,
that is so disgusting.
Like, they're so wrong.
And also,
imagine being her
kind of grown up kids
looking at that shit.
Like, imagine my mom.
Neil has her leading her around
on a lead.
Like, no.
That is absolutely revolting.
Sandra, stand up.
Have some dignity.
Get off your knees
contenders
that's real
contenders
ready
gladiators
ready
now
there was someone
accusing Machine Gun Kelly
of cultural appropriation
for dressing like a priest
right
no against like
slagging
like oh
I just don't know
and I shouldn't really have such an
issue with them because I don't know them at all but they drive me nuts and Kourtney Kardashian
like honestly get in the sea she's trying to release some something with like with your man
Travis and I'm like yous have ruined it for yourselves yous have ruined it you could have
released the vitamins I might have bought them but not after all that carry on it's done
in the spirit of spooky yeah I was going to recommend the scariest film one of the scariest
horror films ever now I love bit of horror I actually went do you know what I did on the
to celebrate Halloween I went to another little exhibition on executions. Now that would be interesting.
It was.
They were mad for executions
back in the day.
Like you were lucky
if you survived.
And there was like
the amount of crimes
they were getting executed
for stuff that's not even
illegal anymore.
Like what?
And they'd behead them.
They'd boil them.
If someone,
treason,
you get boiled to death.
Just,
just kind of,
you get your head
put in a spike and then
it put it on the wall it was really interesting i would recommend it well women supposedly were
getting burnt left right and center because if you did anything like if you got your period you
were a witch if like if your if your bread was too nice you were a witch if your washing was
too clean you were a witch i would be definitely burnt because my washing looks fantastic.
Click clack.
What's the,
what's your,
what's your saying?
It's only a click now.
It's only a click.
They've changed the box.
Oh,
fully recyclable.
Yeah.
It just goes click.
God,
I'm, I'm living in the past with my click clack.
Anyway,
now I love a scary film,
but unfortunately Alan is,
I don't know,
like he refuses
he hates being scared
like he basically
just wants to sit around
watching Naughty all day
so he refuses to watch
Okay this is another reason
Alan and I need to be together
we have the same taste
in movies
Yeah you do
he's a child
he won't
he doesn't like to be
made
he won't watch anything
that even has
like weird music
or I don't know what his deal is.
Did he watch Jeffrey Dahmer?
No.
No, I wouldn't.
I'd say he wouldn't even watch
British Bake Off
in case they burned the cake
and that would upset him.
Like he's a delicate little angel.
I don't know.
He must have been something
in a past life.
You can't say,
you've opened the fridge too fast
he fucking jumps out of his knickers. But so he won't watch anything with me however what i will say is
my recommendations top scary films have you seen hereditary with tony collette oh god yeah that's
hideous it's it's so good uh now okay i want to hear the rest of your top scary films first. It.
Which, the old It or the new It? We all float down here.
We all float down here.
Huh?
The old It.
Classic.
Yeah, the old It.
Yeah, okay, cool.
The OG It.
Absolutely terrifying.
I watched it as a child.
I was three or four.
And to say it terrified the shit out of me.
Third scary movie movie Willy Wonka
Chocolate Factory
terrifying
when that child
goes up the pipe
and he can't breathe
I couldn't go down
any water slide
there's a rainbow
rapids in Dun Laoghaire
for years
I couldn't go down
a water slide
I couldn't do anything
I got a stus gloop
that was
remember your one
like she expanded
into the giant
blueberry and all
that is absolutely
terrifying Chucky again terrifying terrifying Remember your one, like she expanded into the giant blueberry and all. That is absolutely terrifying.
Chucky.
Again.
Terrifying.
Terrifying.
What's your man with the knife hands?
Freddy Krueger.
Terrifying.
Did you never do Candyman when you had to look in the mirror and say Candyman five times in the dark and then Candyman would come and kill you?
Did you never do that?
Yeah, but I survived. Look, we're here
to tell the tale.
So did I.
But they'd be my top recommendations.
I mean, they're not particularly original,
but they are particularly scary.
You're missing The Conjuring, which is one of
the greatest scary movies of all time.
Like, it is absolutely
petrifying. What were those
ones? Oh my God, Joanne.
It is like, especially the first one.
You'll actually sit and watch the three Conjurings.
They're all absolutely brilliant.
I think there's three of them.
What might do?
I'll tell Alan.
I'll have to tell Alan we're watching Peppa Pig or something.
I don't know what I'll tell him we have to watch,
but I don't know how I'm going to get him to sit down with a Conjuring.
Pop him on his iPad.
He can watch something else besides your Conjuring.
Unbelievable.
A bit of Cocoa Melon?
Cocoa Melon for Alan cocoa melon for Alan what about what about have you watched the haunting of hill house on
Netflix yes oh it's so good no Joe what are you doing I'm team Alan I don't like it
what's that one called where they're in the house and it's like it's kind of like a
poltergeist and they had like four of them they were absolutely amazing no no no no oh the exes
oh i know what you're saying yeah yeah yeah yeah that's so good there go on is that all right joey
are you are you able to google or that one is absolutely terrifying but one thing that frightens
me right the haunting of hill house there's another one I think it's the haunting of Bly Manor
and it freaks me out
because like when I'm dead
I want to be like doing my own stuff
and enjoying my dad's time
but this woman
yeah this woman was on a loop
a loop
so some ghosts go on a loop
and her loop was
basically
yes they do
some
do you know what I want how do they decide who goes on a loop
you keep slagging me i'm gonna drag you out of your bed when i'm dead as a poltergeist i've
warned you about it so she's on a loop anyway and her loop is she's basically her body's at the
bottom of this lake so she just has to be tied to the bottom of the lake like and then she comes out
every so often
and does this loop
around the house
and anyone she catches
on her loop
she kills
dead
I think we need to start
putting spoiler alerts
in the pod
did you just give away
the ending?
I gave away quite a lot
of it yeah
and then there's this other movie you know the sixth sense yeah at the end he's dead yeah
he's dead do you know what i do bruce is dead so this is how i watch scary movies
this is how i watch scary movies i have to sit, I google the end
I have to
because if I don't google the end I'll be too
uncomfortable watching it so I google
the end so I know what's going to happen
what's the point? It's very important for my
mental health Joanne
I understand you don't like surprises
no I don't like surprises
anything else you can rail for people?
I really want you to sit and watch
The Three Conjuring today.
That would be a day well spent.
I'd love to watch The Three Conjuring.
It will be. I'll have to do it alone,
but I'd love to watch them.
The other is Nicole Kidman.
Again, spoiler alert, she's
dead. She's dead. You might as well do it now.
Ruin it now. She's dead. Nicole is dead. Herogue, you might as well do it now. Ruin it now. She's dead.
Nicola's dead. Her and the kids
dead. That's what happens. You don't think she's
dead, but she's dead. Okay, anything else?
I know I talk about death a lot, but I only said
this to Spenny the other day. I was like,
because there's a graveyard here in St.
Bart's. I've never seen a nicer looking graveyard.
And the funniest thing about it,
it was full of people
tending to their loved ones' graves.
Again, it obviously threw me down a spiral
and I started being terrified about dying again.
Spending things, I need to go talk to somebody
about my fear of dying
because I spend an unusual amount of time
thinking about this.
I think that's okay.
I think you're preparing for the afterlife.
Where, what's the crack?
What are your plans
like have you got a plot
is there a tomb
basically can I join
I think
yeah okay
so this is the plan
right
Spenny doesn't want to get
buried in Hoth
I told him that there's
no space anyway
we wouldn't get a plot
there in Hoth
you can't bury a Protestant
in Hoth
the ground would
fucking crumble
who's a Protestant
oh Spenny's not a Protestant
he doesn't even know
what he is
this is the problem as well I haven't talked to Spenny about this he's not a Protestant. He doesn't even know what he is. This is the problem as well.
I haven't talked to Spenny about this.
He's not a Protestant.
Why does he sound like that?
I don't understand.
How do you get that accent if he's not a Protestant?
I'm confused.
Now, the thing that I worry about,
because I'm after telling him he can come into my grave.
I don't have a grave yet,
but now I'm thinking like,
I'm not sure he's going up there.
So I don't know if I should be fraternizing in the plot with I know I know I know what you're saying your name's not down you're not coming in yeah I get it kind of 100% guarantee he's
going where I'm going but you know he's going somewhere hot I would maintain your independence
when it comes to your forever home I think so you can come
you can come
it's six to a grave
supposedly
I'm like mum
this is
I'm like mum
mum
I'll take the house
and build a granny flat
that's what I used to say to her
I'll build you a granny flat
in the garden
do you know that's lovely
and I was like a granny flat
means a grave
you'll be flat on the ground
okay bye
get out of the house
are you still doing it granny flat go into the garage I am open Granny flat means a grave. You'll be flat on the ground. Okay, bye. Get out of the house.
Are you still doing your granny flat?
Go into the garage.
I am open to offers is what I'm saying
for the kind of forever home
is what I'm saying.
So I'm willing to travel.
So if that means
getting buried in St. Borth's,
I'll do that.
I think it would be quite unfair
of us to get buried over here
to be honest
it's too hard to get us here
no one would come
and tend to our grave
we'd have to pay
for professional waders
for the rest of our life
so I think
the best thing to do
is get buried
in Scotland
I'm out
no no no
well where do you want to get buried
I was going to go for
Sun Sand and Sangria
do you know what I mean
like I love Scotland
but like
you know not for eternity oh sorry speaking scottland but like you know not
for eternity oh sorry speaking of funeral there was a girl do you remember we were talking before
about the chinese kind of professional whalers in china a girl messaged me i'll never dig it out
now i don't know where it is but saying that she was hired as an actress her and her friends
to turn up
to a Chinese wedding
that apparently
they want
kind of westerners
at weddings in particular
and they had to like
walk around it forever
like all day
in heels
she said she was
legitimately crying
at the end
because her feet
were so sore
never wear a heel
to a wedding
never wear a heel
to a wedding
well do you know what
just don't go to a wedding
I wouldn't go to a wedding
wedding
we're doing a funeral
funeral
oh was that a funeral I thought that was a wedding I wouldn't go to a wedding wedding we're doing a funeral funeral oh was that a funeral
I thought that was a wedding
Jo what's happening
what's happening
I think we're malfunctioning
you said wedding
wedding funerals
exact same thing anyway
did you see my scary
exorcist costume
when I dressed up
as the exorcist girl
that was a good costume
wasn't it
yeah what's with you and the dressing up?
I just saw it feels kind of out of character for you.
To take part in things.
Excuse me?
That's more like you.
I take part in loads of stuff.
You're more of a lone ranger.
Do you think I'm a lone ranger?
Yeah, like you're...
Yeah, we don't do things like dressing up.
We're not on board
with anything really
speak about yourself
because I have been
the ex-girl
and I have been
Voldemort
as I told you
so I make an effort
it might have been
the only two things
I've dressed up as
in the last 10 years
but still
I've done something
did you go to like
a Halloween party
did you go to a party
dressed up as Voldemort
I once had
no I had my own Halloween party that I was dressed up as Voldemort I once had I know I had my own Halloween
party that I was dressed up as Voldemort and I'll never do it again because there was face paint
everywhere people don't give a shit when they're having a party in your house so that's the end
did you take did you take a sexy selfie of your ass as Voldemort and put it online like why else
would I get dressed up as Voldemort if I wasn't going to take a picture of my arse? I knew, I knew.
I was like, she doesn't get involved in things
unless there's a fucking,
there's a beep beep opportunity at the end.
100%.
Oh my God.
Sexy Voldemort.
Sexy Vlordy.
It definitely wasn't sexy.
But you know, speaking of those beep beep opportunities,
there was a couple of pictures of me with 99 ice creams.
They weren't my ice cream.
I remember I took one off Alexander just to borrow it for a picture.
Gave it back.
It's so dark.
You know, you know, you know how that annoys me.
I like that girl.
I like that girl with the, I don't like 99s.
That's the problem.
But I remember that girl with the pizza.
She's like a catwalk. That's the problem. But I remember that girl with the pizza. Maybe you weren't dangling the Domino's pizza into her face
and she's like a catwalk.
Like she's, you know, she's not surviving on pizzas
is what I'm saying.
I'm trying to be easy about it.
No, she was dangling the piece of pizza into her mouth
but there was a full pizza in front of her.
So she'd just stolen like a piece of pizza
to pretend she was eating the pizza.
It's so dark.
Oh, TikTok.
This is what I was saying.
Sorry, put this back in the start, Jo.
No, do you know what?
When you say this, I rarely do.
I leave in the bit where you say, put this back at the start and we just carry on, usually.
I know you don't listen.
Do you know what you are?
You're a snake.
That's what you are.
You're a treacherous snake.
This is treason.
If this was back in the day, I'd have your head in a spike.
Do you know what we do when you
go to death when you go off the line we start saying really mean things about you and put them
into the pod because you'd never know don't buy her tickets don't buy she's not funny
she's not well in the head
my point was i started i downloaded TikTok as a straight woman
who didn't believe
in the supernatural
within half an hour
I was bisexual
and I had an appointment
with a card reader
there's a lot of hot lesbians
on TikTok
doing a lot of sexy shit
with their tongue
and I got completely
locked in
and then
suddenly all these
psychic readings
kept coming up
do you know
they just start reading your
cards i don't know how the algorithms work but i've told you before i am susceptible to things
like i'm very suggestible i should be in a cult really like if scientology were on tiktok i'd
probably sign up i just don't know how to work tiktok because i keep getting served up baby
shit like i don't like i love the kids are great and everything like that but i don't know how to work TikTok because I keep getting served up baby shit like I don't I like
I love
the kids are great
and everything like that
but I don't want to
spend my time
looking at kids
keep the cool stuff
away from mums
you'd want to see
what me and Joe see
wow
isn't it deadly Joe
yeah
oh tongues
oh really good stuff
well fine
Amber sends me stuff too
so then I see
all the cool stuff right
did you read the story
I sent you about your man
eating the crab
yes
that's so rotten
so basically this crab
pinched his daughter
so as revenge
he fucking ate it
down in one
they were in a river
in China
and when he went
he went to the hospital
like six months later
and he was like had severe
stomach pains and they're like have you eaten anything weird that you wouldn't usually eat
and he's like no no no no and the wife's like nudging him like well you did eat that crab live
like a live crab and like the crab got him back yeah I mean that time well he deserved it I forgot
about it and the crab gave him like severe, like stomach issues.
Those things are riddled in diseases.
The punishment does not match the crime.
You can't like, it's an OTT reaction.
You can't go around just eating everything that annoys you.
It's rude.
And the daughter obviously annoyed the crab to begin with.
You'd be Joe at this stage.
Joe would be fucking that box would be empty.
You take the top
half I take the bottom half and not in a sexy way you're not getting pleasured like Colin Farrell
you're always you are you're oh actually you gave me the top half that time that was quite nice of
you thank you very much um but Jane brought Theodore a crab she keeps bringing him it's like
dead animal city over here this giant crab it's sitting outside like this huge and all I can think of
is just festering in disease.
The way they run sideways and all
like it's unsettling.
All I don't know about crab
there's a crab in the prodigy
do you remember him?
He was like
foot to their album.
Was it
was it smack my bitch up?
What was the
camera for the album was?
It was a crab
and I was like
it's a fucking crab in the prodigy now.
Mother of God.
What next?
A Labrador and the Cranberries
anyway you can't go around
eating things that annoy you
do you remember you only
ate all her own hair
anyway sorry
there's no real
there's no real life to that
oh wait hang on
one second
who the hell ate their own hair
there was a girl
and she was kind of nervous
and she used to eat her
eat her hair
when she was nervous
and then she
you know
then of course she just was full of hair and then nothing in her body worked
and they had to cut her open and take out all this hair from inside her it was huge see i don't i
don't know how i feel about things like that that's how we measure extensions vogue oh i've
taken their current well no i do have a few in my hair um but i don't know if that's true because
people always say that if you eat chewing gum, it gets stuck in your stomach.
And I will tell you, I have eaten hundreds of packets of chewing gum and there's none stuck in my tummy.
That's bullshit.
Maybe that's what the abs are.
It's not muscles.
It's just Wrigley's.
Fucking blocks of old Wrigley's.
Bubblegum Wrigleys, yeah.
Hello and welcome to my therapist ghost with me,
with me, Vogue Williams, and Joanne McNally.
I lost the McNally bit there, didn't I?
Joanne McNally!
Oh dear.
That was a lot.
Okay.
Twice. Do you know what Joe
fuck you
I wanted to talk about
Matthew Perry
Matthew Petty Perry
the little bitch
I know
but you know
as I
me and Joanne
were talking about
Matthew Perry
he's your man
Chandler from Friends
and he's released
this autobiography
what's it called again
his autobiography?
Let me just find it.
It's called like Friends and the Big Bad Thing.
A memoir or something.
Friends and the Big Bad Thing.
A Big Bad Thing or something it was called.
But he literally, I don't understand this, right?
Now, he's completely minted,
but he's just released this book
and he kind of throws everyone under the bus.
As they do with all these memoirs,
the papers have been
taking extracts
and kind of running
stories on them.
Which I adore.
And of course,
it's all very sensational.
Of course, we love it.
We love the tea.
Okay, so with his memoir,
some of the things
that he revealed, right?
He used to go out
with Julia Roberts,
but he was so concerned
that she would dump him
that he dumped her.
He dumped Julia Roberts.
That was actually
a great thing for me to read because then I just put that on every single man who'sia roberts that was actually great thing for me
to read because then i just put that on every single man who's ever done me i was like oh
they were scared that i dumped them he liked yeah he liked me too much i was too cool for him
perfect i wish we could believe those lies that we tell ourselves um he actually has paid seven
million to get himself sober.
And he's been sober since 2001, except for like five or six mishaps.
He had this massive, right, jet ski accident.
And that's where he started getting on like the OxyContin.
Apparently they're all hooked on it.
It's really bad over there.
Yeah, there's a really good TV show on that, actually.
I forget what it's called, but it's very, very good. So good so he got a yeah he never did heroin because he was always scared of it
he has a really really good bond with uh jennifer aniston and he was really upset when she once said
listen we know you're all drinking and he hadn't been drinking he said how do you know that and
she said because he reeked of drink um yeah one thing joanne and i were kind of obsessed with matthew about was he said in his book right he
used to hang out with river phoenix who was this amazing child actor died at 23 outside the viper
room from a drug overdose and uh and matthew perry wrote in his autobiography he said that
that uh river phoenix dies but why does k Keanu Reeves still walk amongst us?
It's actually so, because Keanu Reeves is meant to be the nicest man of all time.
Read the room, Matthew.
Read the room.
Like, when I read that, I was like, when was the last time Matthew logged on to the World Wide Web?
Does he not realize that Keanu is now king?
Like, Keanu has come through
all the bullshit
he's going out
with someone
who's near around
his own age
which means all women
are now obsessed with him
he had a really tragic
situation
but didn't his partner die
and all this terrible thing
apparently he is an
absolute
gentleman
and there's Matthew Perry
fucking throwing one to us
read the room Matthew
read the room he's. Read the room.
He's a very nice man.
It's such a misstep on his part.
But do you know what?
Anyway, now everyone thinks Matthew's a c***.
Well, like, to be honest with you,
like, Keanu Reeves, he looks magnificent.
He has an A today.
Do you know what?
He's very respectful of women
because he always hovers his hand
above their lower back
instead of grabbing them he uh that's tantric that's tantric that's tantric i'd be if he if
he wasn't grabbing at me i'd be absolutely raging i'd be like get you yeah i'd be like come on
he once uh he gave up a seat on the subway to give a woman a seat who had a large um bag he donates loads of money to children's charity
oh god listen to this he once bought an ice cream he yeah he was done he once bought an ice cream so
he could autograph a receipt for a young fan he's sad i i was reading somewhere and again the the
details escaped me he went he was on some film was on some film he was in some film recently
and he wasn't great in it
look
no one's saying
he's not Daniel Day-Lewis
but no one gives a shit
because he's sound
and now it turns out
most of Hollywood
are pricks
so we're drawn to the sound ones
like Mots to a Flame
Mots to a Sound Flame
but anyway
the director
they were like
Keanu wasn't great in that
was he?
he goes no he wasn't
but you know what
I can't wait to work with him again
because he's sound
yeah
John Wick absolute piece of's sound yeah John Wick
absolute piece of shit
who?
John Wick
that's one of his movies
absolutely a pile of shit
doesn't matter
I'll watch it
you know why
because Keanu Reeves is in it
because he's sound
he's absolutely sound
I just watched Keanu
he needs a reality TV show
anyway Matthew's
completely shot himself
in the face there
completely shot himself
he had us in the
he had us
we were
we felt sorry for him
we were enjoying the gossip
this terrible addiction
he'd worked hard
he got sober
we were all
you remember Tara
we were rooting for you Matthew
we were rooting for you
remember Tara Banks
anyway
America's Next Top Model
she had that freak out
anyway it doesn't matter
but
yeah he fucked up
Matthew he fucked up
what did he do to her
it's a very good lesson in
you can sit there
and be a catty little bitch
on your own
but don't be throwing names
into memoirs.
Disguise people.
Don't be throwing people
under the bus like that.
I know but he has said
then recently
he came back
he was like I just chose
he said he basically
he plucked Keanu Reeves'
like name out of thin air.
Maybe he was jealous
of Keanu.
That's not true.
Like you and I both know
if someone said something like that
about one of us
and they're like,
oh, sorry,
I just kind of threw the name at it.
Like that's bullshit.
There's obviously a deep seated resentment there.
I would say Matthew
is deeply resentful of Keanu
because Keanu has a
quite impressive career actually.
I know.
And Matthew
has nothing.
He's got the tiniest mouth anyone's ever seen.
That's all he has.
Gany was the most impressive career.
Cut that bit where Joanne said all of his movies were shite.
Okay, Jo?
It won't make sense otherwise.
I don't know what I've said.
Okay, Chandler.
Chill out.
Put the gin down Chandler.
Could I be any more of a hypocrite?
Hey!
Anyway, yeah.
He was a bit of a dick.
It was a dick move.
Sasspot.
He's a saucy bitch.
Is it true if you cut a worm in half
both those halves will go on to live
independent and fulfilled lives?
I think so. I think they have got something like
eight hearts, a worm.
Now if none of this is true, it will really show
we make up absolute garbage.
Yeah, no, that's not true. It does.
What?
I want a second opinion. The fox as a worm
has eight hearts.
Does it have eight hearts
I stand by her
and I believe her
how many hearts
does a worm have
hashtag I believe her
oh my god
five hearts
she wasn't far off
I wasn't far off
now you were completely wrong
but I wasn't far off
no hold on
Joe Google if you cut a worm in half will they both will both those halves Now you were completely wrong, but I wasn't far off. No, hold on.
Jo, Google, if you cut a worm in half,
will both those halves go on to have independent, fulfilled lives?
Joanne, I will be honest.
I think that you are right.
Yeah, there was definitely, I suppose,
there was definitely something about worms.
It will only regenerate from the tail end.
The head end always dies.
Well, you see, Joanne knew.
Joanne never said which side. Okay, Jo see, Joanne knew. Joanne never said which side.
Okay, Joanne,
you were right.
I was suggesting
that both halves
would go on
to live independent lives
with jobs
and families
and homes,
but clearly
that's not the case.
The ass lives on,
the head dies.
That's the lesson there
is keep squatting, girls.
Keep squatting.
Keep squatting.
You don't know,
if you're a worm, you don't know if you're a worm
you don't know
when your ass
is going to go out
and have to live a life
all on its own
that's it from us
for this week
hopefully some of that
made sense
I've been Joanne McNally
and she has been
Vogue Williams
and we will see you
next week. Bye.