Not As We Planned - 23. That’s Triggering

Episode Date: December 14, 2023

This episode we talk about discovering triggers following trauma in past relationships and what we’re doing to work on them Producer: Tristan Hehir City Lights by Ghostrifter Official | https://soundcloud.com/ghostrifter-officialMusic promoted by https://www.free-stock-music.comCreative Commons / Attribution-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported (CC BY-ND 3.0)https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nd/3.0/ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

You'll flip for $4 pancakes at A&W. Wake up to a stack of three light and fluffy pancakes topped with syrup. Only $4 on now. Dine-in only until 11 a.m. at A&W's in Ontario. This episode is brought to you by CIBC. From closing that first sale to opening a second store, as a business owner, you've hustled to accomplish a lot. But the rewards don't stop there. When you earn two times more points on things that matter to you and your

business, easily track those business expenses, and experience flexible Aventura rewards, you'll realize how much more rewarding your hustle can be. Get up to $1,800 in value when you apply for the CIBC Aventura Visa for Business at cibc.com slash Aventura Business. Terms and conditions apply. Hey. Hi. It's Tash and Carly. And you're listening to Motherhood Not As We Planned. So get comfy, grab a cup of tea or a glass of wine, and let's start talking about all the things too many of us avoid discussing. Hi, guys, and welcome to this week's episode of Motherhood Not As We Planned. This week we are getting kind of deep, aren't we?

We're talking about triggers and things that trigger you in new relationships or just in general following, I guess, some kind of trauma. Yeah, I think also it is having maybe trauma that you've carried through previous relations yeah or maybe even and i don't want to get too deep because i don't think we're like qualified to talk about it but you know that childhood trauma that some people have and then it ends up kind of being highlighted in a relationship um we had a lot of you guys send in things that you find triggering that I think we can probably relate to quite a few. Yeah. I don't know whether you want to just, should we just dive straight in?

I think we should start with those and see where we go. Yeah, let's do it. Okay. My ex used to say, she's just a girl at work. You have nothing to worry about. But I was right. I can see just glancing at these there's a lot of work comments when it comes to infidelity I think that that is kind of like the common place to have

it with because that's where your partner tends to be do Do you know what I mean? You can kind of like lead that separate life. So I'm not surprised with the amount of work comments that I'm looking at. And I'm not suggesting for a second that men are the only ones that cheat. But you have that typical kind of like structure of the mom is at home with the kids or like part-time and sort of

does things at home and the man is office-based and therefore he's surrounded by other people so I I can't necessarily directly relate but at the same time I can really really understand that that must be a trigger. What are your thoughts? I mean, that is one of my triggers for me. I'm not going to delve into too much regarding that. I'm sure you can read between the lines. But I also understand that in regards to

that's where that person went for nine hours a day or whatever it was and you know often with work there's other related things to work like parties or um drink business meeting or networking and I think like one thing that I've learned with surrounding that being a trigger is obviously I am currently in a new relationship. And I think things that are associated with work do trigger me. Like, and I think that's also, also it's very normal and I think the the key thing here is I think all the time you're going to learn and uncover what your triggers are I think sometimes you don't even know what your triggers are until something happens but I think when you're with someone new and you're aware of what your triggers are I think it's really important that you're with someone you're able to talk about that with and say look this is a trigger for me

this makes me feel this way and I think it's really important that you're with someone who says what can I do to help you feel better about that what can I do to make you feel less anxious and I think for me that has been so fundamental in my relationship and probably why I value my relationship I'm in at the moment so much because I never had that understanding in my marriage I've never felt heard or listened to and just things and I'm sure we'll come on to it that's not just my only trigger I've got a million I'm a girl with issues um but i just i think when you do find out your triggers and if you are moving into a relationship i don't i don't think you're ever going to reach a point when nothing triggers you and then you're like i'm free of my triggers now

i can be with someone i think you have to understand you're going to always carry things with you and that's okay it's just if you're in a relationship with someone and you want to move into a relationship you need to be with someone who understands that you can't black it out you can't pretend you're not triggered I always think that's really important I think some people sometimes go into relationships and they want to hide the fact because they don't want to be a problem or um you know so they might withdraw from saying how they feel but really you've got to be able to be true to yourself. And you've got to, otherwise it's never going to go anywhere.

Likewise, I think it's really easy when you are triggered by a lot of things to have walls up, have barriers up. have barriers up and almost assume the worst of people, like feel like everyone's going to do the same as what you've experienced. And I think it's really important to understand that's not the case. And that communication, that open communication about you being able to freely talk about your triggers, why you're triggered, but having someone who's there for you who wants to understand and wants to genuinely help is so key yeah i think there's maybe like a fine line between like

being aware of your trigger and communicating it but in the right way that you're not almost like putting that trigger onto a new person and almost implying they're going to do that because someone else did and look I've I have done that in my new relationship and it's all learning like I've never had these triggers before because I've I feel like I've never been this person who's carried a lot of things with me I've always been quite um a confident carefree person so it feels really new to be in a relationship and have worries that i've stupidly never had before um and like i have made mistakes in my new relationship in terms of accusing or trying to essentially um i don't know like almost feel like it's too good to be true so this must be happening it's like you're waiting for something to yeah it'd be like

newer like knew that would happen because yeah that's what's meant or or just like assuming everyone is the same and they're not there are some genuinely good people out there. And I think for me, what I've realized is I, I don't know. I can't, I can't do that. There are some really good people out there who want to listen and want to help you and want to love you and treat you in the right way. way there will come a point where i agree that the person that you're with needs to understand them and respect them and like try and help you overcome them but it is your trigger yeah and as much as you need someone to be understanding there will come a point where you need to almost like accept that that trigger is related to another person and you need to almost like you can't tarnish someone with the same brush you know now so it is also that healing process of once the first part is realizing you have the trigger there are going to be people that don't even realize that they have a trigger until someone else is able to kind of like identify it for you so realizing you've got it and got it and accepting

it is the first stage then obviously making sure you are with someone that's not going to turn around and be like well you can't feel that way because like yeah don't go on the if they're like become defensive about it i don't think that's the best way to help someone they need to make yeah you need you always need to be someone who makes you feel heard and makes your feelings feel valid yeah but i feel like there will become a point where like you need to be someone who makes you feel heard and makes your feelings feel valid. Yeah. But I feel like there will become a point where you need to take responsibility in fixing that trigger. Yeah.

And I think that probably relates to overthinking. Hands up. Hands up for your overthinker. I am the biggest overthinker, like so. And again, i think sometimes that stemmed from triggers yeah and something will happen and then my mind will literally create like an hour-long story and it will go from here well this this this this this and then i believe it and i believe this whole thing and nothing's even happened and there's probably

people listen to singing I literally do the same thing and I end up believing it and then I think I think what I've learned to do very very recently please know like I'm not perfect and like one thing I'm really one thing like I'm striving to do now which I think is a result of my marriage failing is I want to grow into like the best person I can be like I want to be the best partner I want to evolve I I feel like there's so much room to evolve in a relationship and I think it's really important you're with someone who helps you grow. But one thing I've started to do in those situations when I identify like, Connie, you're overthinking.

I think you're down a bit cuckoo. Yeah. I'll step back, like I'll look through my phone at really positive things from that relationship, like pictures or videos or messages or think back to like really thoughtful things i think you've literally created that in your head none of that is true and it's but it's being able to do that on my own i don't always want to have to go and seek the reassurance from my partner that's not fair i again it's that taking that responsibility and that's something I'm really trying to focus on at the moment is stepping back and thinking, you've made that up. That's actually psycho.

You have issues, girl. Maybe you should write a book. Maybe write a film. Honestly, some of the stuff I've come up with. But it's stepping back and realising none of that is happening. I know I shouldn't laugh. I really get it.

I relate so much. Some of the shit that I've made up in my head, I'm like, am I wrong? I think when it comes to overthinking, if you are an overthinker, the right person for you would be an over-explainer. thinker the right person for you would be an over explainer like it is finding that like support unit where someone can help you you can support each other but without attacking each other for nothing that they haven't done do you know what I mean this really cutting core yeah it's cutting deep it's so true and it's something I'm actually learning in recent weeks is is just that and I think sometimes it is like I'm not gonna lie like it's been a it's been a rough old year it's you

know I've learned a lot of things and been through a lot of things I never anticipated going through and I never anticipated being in a relationship this soon. I didn't know I had the capacity to want to even be near a man, let alone like open up my heart to love. And I think what has come with that is I want to be able to give someone that respect of like you shouldn't be paying the price for someone else's mistake for someone else's mistakes and like anyone i know like we get lots of people like i've lost hope i'll ever find anyone again like i promise you there are some really really good people in the world out there we're so blindsided by what we've gone through but but there are some good ones out there. That's it. It's not allowing someone else's mistakes to tarnish your idea

that there are possibilities for a good relationship. The relationship I'm in right now is so different in so many ways to what I'm used to. And again, I think it's relearning how to be in a relationship. I think I was in a relationship that was so toxic. Well, you're not actually relearning how to be in a relationship. I think I was in a relationship that was so toxic. Well, you're not actually relearning how to be in a relationship. You're learning to be in a different relationship. You're right.

You're right. I think the hard thing is when you've been with someone for so long and there's been so many toxic traits and toxic behaviors, it's sometimes hard to um behave differently in a relationship that doesn't display them and it's actually it's i can't remember i read somewhere but it's like when you're in a toxic relationship and it's full of drama or arguments it's that um adrenaline it's always that but it's that fight and it's that fight or flight mode so it that that's that was true of my relationship it was either fight or i'm leaving like i'm going i'm going for a drive it's that fight or flight and i think actually when you're with someone who

calms your nervous system down and makes you feel calm and makes you feel safe sometimes it's like oh it's like this feels different it doesn't feel the same as another relationship but actually that's a really good thing because a relationship a positive relationship you shouldn't constantly feel fight or flight you should feel calm you should feel safe and yeah it's an incredibly new experience yeah um I saw another one that I would say is probably my biggest trigger. Their phone. My ex took it with him everywhere. Doled the screen.

Changed the password. My new partner leaves his phone lying around. That is literally me to a T. Like the phone. I think the phone is probably quite triggering for anyone because i feel like in this day and age how we are with social media and being able to talk to people everything is so accessible on our phones like someone can be cheating sadly when they're lying in bed next to you because it's all on their phone and for me my ex literally slept with his

phone like it wasn't out of sight so then there are so many occasions when I'm lying in bed and my boyfriend gets up and goes into the shower and still to this day I've been with him nearly a year I sit up I look over and his phone is just on the side. And I never once thought I need to go and look at it. I know his pin. Like it is the nicest feeling to have never felt the need to pick up his phone and look at it. And yeah, it's just, I'm very aware of my triggers but i'm so proud of myself for not kind of like

taking that along into my new relationship but that is a prime example of someone that is not doing something wrong showing you without using his word yeah that there isn't a problem there because his phone isn't forever in his pocket he doesn't sleep with it he leaves it on the right side up it's not with him when he's in the shower because you can't be on your shower anyway well they're not on their phone all the time with you yeah like doing something like that's one thing i've taken to my new relationship particularly with like our job being what it is yeah I we are more and I love this like I'm on my phone way less when we're together we're together and we're embracing

and really enjoying each other's company and I think look my old relationship had been with him 10 years things change and again I feel like I'm able to look back at that and take things that I want to learn and do better in this relationship. And I think the phone thing is massive. Just a phone being out on the side. What? Yeah, and it's still to this day. Is this a trick phone?

Yeah. Is there another one? Oh, no, I'm not putting that idea in my head. My boyfriend has got two phones. He's got work phone, but they're normally both out. Yeah, no, but like, I don't know. I just think that the phone is a dangerous one because I think I remember quite a few episodes ago.

I mean, it was one of like the first ones where we spoke about red flag. One of the biggest red flags was the kind of the phone and face down, not having the pin and things like that. I don't think like, I'm not saying anyone that doesn't know their partner's pin red flag he's cheating on you but i think it's quite normal you know like if my boyfriend's driving yeah he'll be like oh put some put some music on choose someone he'll pass me his phone so like rather than me being like i'll quickly put your pin in like i just put it in

like it's quite normal to have i personally think it's weird to not know your partner's pin. It's weird to not know your partner's pin if... you're sleeping together. You're literally being intimate together. You're sharing, I don't know, a bed with someone. I just think there's lots of other things you're doing that are all about the trust. It's not a big deal. it's never been a big deal both we've both i think there's been numerous times

i've i've said like my pin is and he's been like my pin is if you ever want to look and he's like if you ever want to look and yeah it's really nice to know that again i've never felt the need to look. But I think, yeah, poor phones are a trigger. They are a trigger. And some more. Okay, there's a lot here about gaslighting. Gaslighting, having the facts and still not getting any answers, driving me crazy. I think a lot of behaviours like that...

I mean, spoken about this before, I think a lot of behaviours like that, and we've spoken about this before, I think, but you don't realise often you're being gaslighted until you're out of that relationship. So I feel like if I was to ever be in a relationship where I saw those behaviours again, you'd be much more aware of it. You'd be triggered straight away and be like, I'll tell you what I've actually realised only,

I would say in the last week which is obviously I would call it more trauma for me from my previous relationship and it's sad because I feel like I was gaslit so much and was made to always feel like I had done something wrong or I approached things in the wrong way or I was being paranoid or, you know, I was at fault. But I feel like I used to be like really confident in holding my own and like having a conversation, not just with a boyfriend, but just generally people. I've become really paranoid and worried that I'm doing things or saying things that are incorrect or out of turn and really needing my friends to confirm to me that I'm saying things in the right way and not being out of line I don't know if that makes sense basically like I feel like I now over apologize for things that I don't need to I'm not talking about my relationship with my

boyfriend I'm talking about for example not going to get into the nitty-gritty but someone messaged me on Instagram a supplier they weren't happy about something that happened something to do with whatever I'm not going to go into it anyway I replied and then I feel this need to like screenshot it and send it to my best friends and be like hi would you just like let me know that like what I've said like that's that's okay isn't it like have I said this in the right way like will they take my tone badly and all my friends are applying being like you've apologized about four times you did nothing wrong like that's not you why are you over apologizing and I think only in the last like week I've really noticed that I'm almost treading on eggshells being so careful with how I speak to someone because I'm

so used to being told I don't speak in a way where I say the wrong thing and I'm slowly building that confidence back realizing do you know what like I do articulate myself in the right way I'm not aggressive I'm not a rude person and I care about other people's feelings and it just made me a bit sad I don't know why I'm getting upset it's alright

I'm sorry no don't apologise I just think it makes me really sad that like I feel like I've lost confidence in how I am as a person and like I know that I'm caring and I really really like worry about saying the right things people so I

don't upset them and it's just quite sad that I feel this constant need to get reassurance from other people that I can't just say what I want to say because I'm so used to being made to feel so shit yeah yeah so that's only really become apparent recently that I think it's like been really traumatic for me and I never really realized that and that's it and like you're you're over a year into it and you're still learning new triggers and new traumas I think triggers and traumas they're they they they're very similar I think you don't realize a lot of the things and I think sometimes they do take you by surprise and it can be something completely unrelated to a relationship or anything like that and you're like whoa like and realize how much that had impacted me yeah and I know I've still got a lot of those to come.

I think I just want to highlight, like, you know, and I'm sure you get the same. I get messages all the time, like, you're so amazing. You're so strong. I don't know how you do it. Like, I'm not strong. I've just sadly been, you know, led into a situation that I didn't choose to be in but you just have to deal with it I don't want to be this strong independent woman I want to be in my feminine energy and looked after

but I was pushed into needing to be there and that's it I always say it like yeah I get the same all the time god you're so strong like how did you do it i'm in the early days of this how did you do it you don't have a choice yeah you don't have a choice you've got to wake up every day you've got to be a mother you've got to do the best for your kids you can't spend the days moping in bed this is your life you have to come to terms with it you find the strength you find the strength and I always say this to people when they message me you may not know it now but you are as strong as I am because you don't have a choice not to be yeah you have to get through it and you will get through it yeah and I think I guess I just want to let people know that like just remember again what you see on social media

like yes I am strong at times but I'm a year and a half down the line from my separation i still have bad days that doesn't mean and i need to emphasize this because i think some people are just dicks that doesn't mean i'm pining after him you can evidently carry trauma and triggers years and years down the line like it's still pain. It is. It is painful. It doesn't mean, I agree, it doesn't mean you have feelings for that person. It doesn't mean you're missing them. It's not that at all.

That's been something that's hurt you. It's changed a part of me. I lost my confidence, my capability of feeling like I can say this and this and not doubt that I'm doing something wrong because I always was. Do you know what I mean? So, yeah, there's my truer. Real and raw.

Yeah. Here's an interesting one. I think that you will probably agree with this. Weirdly, my triggers are the nice things with my new partner sometimes it throws me like i you're the hundred percent all right why are you doing this like it's the same are you hiding something no no i know i guess it's like it's like me looking at the phone and being like oh that's weird like instead of someone being like really happy by that they can find it that's a nice thing.

It is triggering. Yeah. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. So, like, I do appreciate that. Or it's like, oh, I've got a brilliant example. He's just bought me flowers. What's he done wrong?

Yeah. That, like, that can be a massive trigger. But genuinely, he's just buying you flowers because he's a good guy. Yeah. Or, like, things i really struggle with it's quite sad really but i'm really bad at like taking compliments now like if i'm told like god you're gorgeous or you're beautiful you've got amazing eyes i'm like or not her but i'm like well no i'm like shut up yeah and I think really what that stems down to is in my marriage I wasn't

made to feel any of those things and obviously the way things played out I felt far from beautiful I'm far from gorgeous and I felt feel like if I really was beautiful and gorgeous what happened wouldn't have happened so in my head I'm I'm like, well, that's not true. And I struggle. And again, he does find me beautiful and he does find me gorgeous. And like, I think, again, it's a really light thing. He'd probably love it if you took that on board and said, he always said, he goes to it, he's like, thank you. I'm not going to say his name, but he does say thank you.

Thank you. Yeah. But actually, he's just as bad as I am, so. Yeah, no. I think a lot of people struggle to accept compliments. Especially when they're not used to them. Yeah. Even just like thoughtful stuff.

I've never been in a relationship where someone has done little things. Like it might, for example example I feel like previously so it was my birthday a couple of weeks ago but like previously for my birthday it's always like what would you like for your birthday I'd like this they'd buy that and that was what I got for my birthday whereas I feel like this year every little thing I was bought was the most thoughtful thing Emma and it threw me like little things he'd obviously picked up in in just having conversations yeah and I was just like I don't know really touched but also was like who listens like what like it's just all very new and um yeah I wouldn't necessarily say I was triggered but it's again like for anyone in the early days thinking I'm never gonna meet someone never in my life did I think I was gonna

meet someone so thoughtful like one thing I will share that he got me for my birthday which is the most thoughtful thing like everyone who knows probably knows I am um a bit of a writer like i really enjoy writing and he bought me this really lovely makeup pen with my name engraved on it and i just thought what like a thoughtful thing to do for someone yeah just through me yeah completely through me i love that i think this is probably one of the most common triggers when you're dating in a new relationship. Someone's put here, when someone takes ages to reply or leaves me on read. I think that ages to reply thing depends because I feel like people work and people have stuff going on.

But I guess like with that, someone that used to be with someone that like would go out and never reply to them and you know i can imagine that then if there was someone new and overthinking episode yeah if they're with someone new who is actually just genuinely really busy at work and takes ages to reply that can be a massive trigger because you're like oh my god what why are they not replying actually yeah, I do relate to that. They're ghosting me.

I've definitely done that. Yeah. It's that concern of like, oh, they're talking to someone else. Where are they? Maybe they're not where they stand. Maybe they're not interested in me anymore. Yeah. So I reckon like the dating world as well.

I think if there's a constant flow of conversation and then all of a sudden you get an an eight hour where of not a reply yeah that is so triggering massively triggering the reds thing that that would bother me yeah same that would really bother me i'll tell you what i actually think it's not even triggering i feel like it's just like rude no what's the word i wouldn't call it a red flag but for me i just find it like no toxic is when people have their read receipts are yet their last seen off yeah even their online off edgar no you can do that i have everything on so do i i would find it really uncomfortable if my partner i had you know what i turned them off

at the start of my relationship breakdown when when we separated i turned everything off i don't know why i didn't want him to know when i was online or anything like that there was reason for that yeah yeah yeah not even yeah and then i well they're all back on now i just think it's it was weird what you're hiding why don't you want people to know when you were last on that yeah yeah yeah not even yeah and then i well they're all back on now i just think it's it was weird what you're hiding why don't you want people to know when you were last on that yeah i just find it a bit toxic it's toxic yeah um talking of things like this i feel like it kind of flows nicely into maybe talking slightly about attachment styles i think we can both say that we are anxious attachment why me anxious Me? Anxious? I don't know what you're talking about.

So anyone that doesn't understand attachment styles, I do think that we briefly spoke about it with Shelley. Shelley, yeah. So there are three different types of attachment styles. You can have a secure attachment style, an anxious attachment style, or an avoidant attachment style. I only know about the avoidant and anxious. I am the anxious and amazing for everybody will be secure you're turning into secure i'm trying yeah and we'll get there working on it so your typical secure attachment style that is a person

that is very happy content and secure in a relationship they do not get particularly worried or bothered if their partner doesn't reply to them or you know go the whole day without yeah or goes out or just general generally in the relationship they yeah and i'm not saying for a second that anyone anxious isn't content they just might be on edge no i mean like in terms of like the trust thing they trust them yeah they are just generally not that sort of like worried overthinking mess then you have avoidant that is somewhere that generally tries to avoid a relationship or avoid being attached to someone they very much like their own space they might be that person that tends to pull away as you get closer that would be the person that

maybe is a bit hot and cold and they might not be aware that they've got an avoidant attachment style they are those people that probably go in and out of relationships and can't quite hold on to that long term. And then you have the anxious attachment style. Exhibit A. Hi. They are generally people that really want to be in a relationship. You might class them as slightly... I don't want to use the word needy, but more... No needy.

I'm so needy but more it's not so needy i'm so needy love me but like you know wanting to be close to that person constantly feeling like they need that reassurance and like constant same same behavior whereas if something changes ever so slightly they'll go instantly into that panic overseeing their nervous system is really unsettled isn't it just yeah so again i know we have mentioned this before but the book attachment i just found so great um i would really i'll bring it to you you can read it i would really recommend it it kind of really explains so for example if you have a relationship where one of you has an anxious attachment start and the other one is avoidant which is really common in a relationship it's really really hard

to understand each other because you'll have this anxious that like really wants to like pull in close and then the more you do that the avoidant is moving further away but it doesn't necessarily mean that they don't love you but their their style is to be a bit more distant and it's just a really interesting book and it kind of almost helps you learn to become more secure right give me this book I personally personally believe that they say that it can be quite rare to change your attachment style but in the right relationship that's when you i agree become more secure as well like i feel like for me as well a lot of these behaviors of being like that are very new for me and and i do feel like i don't feel like you're dictated by one i don't don't want anyone listening to this thinking oh my god i'm an anxious

i'd always will i always will be i might as well give up hope of ever feeling safe and secure in a relationship it's absolutely about who you're with and it's what's hard and it takes time and as well like I think one thing that's really important is recognizing what you are it's like I've I have recognized very recently I didn't even know these things were a thing I have recognized I am anxious and almost for me is trying to identify why I feel that way and a lot of that is to do with my triggers and my insecurities and again it's being able to take responsibility for some of those things and stepping back and being like I don't actually have a real reason to feel like that and it's sometimes it's like bringing yourself back down to earth and like rationalizing

in your brain before you expel i know sometimes you say to me oh if you're thinking if you start thinking about something just come and like voice note me before you and i'll bring you back yeah which is so true like thing is my brain knows a lot of this stuff is absolute bs it just goes off on one so one thing like i'm really working on is to just take that step back yeah definitely i can really resonate with this one feeling like i can't communicate my feelings because the person i'm communicating them to is not hearing me yeah i think that for me personally if you don't feel like there is that safe space to say how you feel, then I think the relationship that you're in is going to struggle.

Because like we've always said, the fundamental thing in a relationship is to be able to communicate. There's always going to be things that happen in a relationship, not even in a relationship, in life. And things are going to make you feel a certain way and you should never feel guilty for feeling any kind of way. And I think it's really important that you're able to communicate with that. On the flip side of that, I think it's important you do that in a way that is sensitive and you know um respectful to the other person yeah not going in yeah like attacking

yeah yeah but i do think it's really important that you're able to talk about your feelings and how things made you feel feeling safe knowing you could be heard and even if you know look even if you don't agree being able to respectfully hear each other and say I hear your point I don't necessarily agree but and being able to communicate that but I think sometimes when you're dismissed or you're you know shut down straight away but that's your problem you feel like that that's a must-have problem i think a common mistake that women make in relationships is that we don't communicate our needs we expect them yeah i really really get that i feel like expecting someone to do something. Men and women think very differently. And what you expect may be something that they're not aware of at all.

And then you're almost building up this resentment that they haven't done it, but you didn't let them know you needed it. Yeah. And I reckon we are all so guilty. So guilty. It's like you expect them to read from a script, but you forgot to give them the words. Yeah. They don't know what they're meant to do.

So I just think it's so, like, and I think in relationships, it's so important that you do feel like your needs are being met but in order for them to be met you need to express them you need to communicate them yeah because men are not going to know a woman's needs without being told and vice versa and as well it links him of what we spoke to about with shelly about love languages it's like i need more of the affirmation or whatever it is i need more of the physical touch yeah once you're able to communicate that and you know what your partner needs from you or you know what you need from your partner i think that's when you really kind of like develop and grow in a relationship yeah like i always used to have this mindset that like i love flowers i love

being bought flowers, but I will not tell my partner to buy me flowers because then it takes away the niceness of them buying me the flowers. However, some men need a bit of instruction. They just do. So sometimes I think women are maybe stubborn to being like, well, I'm not going to tell him because he should know. But why should he know?

Maybe flowers are the wrong example, but it just came to mind. But I just feel like, you know, when you're like, oh, I can't believe he didn't do that. But he may not know that you really want him to do that. So rather than getting angry at your partner for not doing something that you think that they know that you want it to be done let them know but not in a way of cheers next time do that yeah you know it's do you know what would make me so happy i just the flowers are in bloom at the moment they're so pretty yeah like yes sometimes you might think it's annoying. He should know I want flowers. But sometimes they just need a bit of guidance.

I don't think it's a problem to give it. No, it's not. Yeah. No. I think for a lot of people, the main triggers are things associated with the way their relationship broke down. You know, in whatever way that was, whether that was infidelity or, I don't know, alcohol related. And I think it can even be little things like it could be, I don't know,

like certain songs might remind you of a certain time. It might have been like a particularly bad time in the relationship or certain times of year or you know I certainly feel like there's things now where I don't know if you get this on your phone it's like a year it comes up like a year ago blah blah it reminds me and then i don't know there'll be like certain things of memories that i had as a family that actually with the information i now have i'm like that was a lot that was a lot right with my job yeah i find that quite triggering because i feel like some of actually my happier memories are a bit tarnished

and that makes me really sad and I feel like sometimes things like that have really thrown me or again I guess it stems back to like my overthinking but um I feel yeah I just feel like in regards to that like particularly if you're in a situation where you're learning information or you know things are surfacing i think it is hard to look back at maybe some things that were once happy memories and they are now with what i know you they actually weren't yeah and that that is why i find that really triggering because i feel like things like happier times have been taken away kind of thing does Does that make sense? Yeah, no, I really get that. I mean, right now, like completely,

like nothing to do with like my new relationship, not saying that triggers have to be anything to do with your partner, but I'm finding this trend that I'm seeing all over Instagram. I know it's really triggering. And I don't know if anyone's, did we make it? Yeah, it's the one where it's like a photo of like you and your partner when you're younger and it says, did we make it? No, we didn't.

We didn't. And then there's like the course we did and it's like them with all their kids and unhappy families and so in love with this amazing man. Yeah. So I'm finding that really frustrating. I've been very tempted to do my own little version being like, Pat, no. No, you didn't. But it's little things like that yeah I think are just gonna come up and you know I'm I don't want to sit here and make out that I'm this like bitter woman that like hates anyone in a happy marriage like I love that for

everyone like please may it continue and hopefully one day be for me again but everyone's gonna have their things that they see that it's a bit like oh that's that makes me sad or uncomfortable or but again you've got to realize and i'm sorry to say it i'm sure you're thinking it i'm the one that says it but half those people that made it they haven't fucking made it because they're fucking miserable and they're lying it's true like people want to give off this happy fairy tale. And do you know what? Here we go. I probably would have jumped on that trend.

And really, was I that happy? Yeah, I probably would as well, to be fair. Why? The day you die. Hypocritical bitch. Cos, guys, get off Instagram. No, thanks. That's our job.

But yeah, so should we go on to some emails? Because we are so behind in them and guys for anyone listening please send in emails whether it's even just a little we want to hear about people who are maybe going on their first date for the first time we want to hear we want to hear the funny we want to hear the sad we want to hear the real we want to hear it all and we want to hear real stories from you so please like don't feel like just because you haven't got like a awful breakup story or predicament mum related yeah you've just had a new baby and you're feeling overwhelmed email us let us share your experience let us talk about it so we really want to get these emails i

think sharing more of them so let's go and find one that stands out here we go this one is called do I stay or leave 10-year relationship advice needed please hi Tash and Carly firstly I just want to thank you both for creating this podcast as it's really helping me mentally during this really difficult time in my life I'd really appreciate your opinion and hopefully some advice regarding my situation last year my partner of 10 years went to his work christmas party i mean trigger what are the fucking odds it was in another city around 45 minutes away so all the managers were invited to stay over in a hotel i didn't have an issue with this as we had a good relationship i had a really lovely evening with

our son doing arts and crafts watching a christmas film and getting ready for the fun-filled weekend we had planned. The following morning I hadn't heard from him which was unusual as we had planned to go and have breakfast with Santa that morning and he said it would be home as it was the first thing we were doing with our son. It was getting nearer to the time to leave and he wasn't answering my calls or text messages so I left without him. Two hours later we arrived back home and my partner still hadn't come home. I'd be scared he'd died. I started to worry at this point as I hadn't heard from him for over 14 hours and my calls were just going to voicemail. He arrived home an hour later and went straight upstairs not acknowledging his partner or child in the room. Sorry, I am

baffled. I waited a while before following him upstairs asking how he was, how his night was and why he hadn't answered his phone. I mean, you were really nice because I would have gone a fucking ape shit. You look like his dad.

Well, it's just weird. I straight up straight apologize and said he just got a bit too drunk and wanted to try and sober up this morning as he had to drive home apologizing that he missed breakfast i was annoyed but brushed it off as i was just glad he was safe and home i love you throughout the day i had really strange gut feeling that something wasn't right he is usually really aroused when hungover so I was expecting to have some intimacy that evening but when we got into bed he just rolled over and went to sleep. I thought he was maybe too tired after having a really late night

and he would wake up and we would be intimate then but that didn't happen. I knew something wasn't quite right so I confronted him and asked him if he was okay. He assured me he was fine and was reading into it too much. He said he was just tired. I tried asking him again if he was alright as he wasn't himself and he kept reassuring me everything was fine. I had a horrible gut feeling so brushed it off and decided to wait until he was asleep to check his phone. This was when I found messages between him and a colleague talking about how fun last night was, how much they wanted it to happen again and how much they couldn't stop thinking about each other. I felt sick. I didn't know what to do. One week before Christmas and it felt like my entire life had come crashing down.

Our little family had been torn apart and I'd never felt pain like it. I wanted to stop scrolling but I couldn't. I couldn't sleep. I felt sick to my stomach and wanted answers immediately. I waited until the next day to confront him and without our child in the house. You are a good person. I think I would have been attacked. I asked him who she was and he replied, a girl from work. And when I asked why he slept with her, he denied it over and over again. It wasn't until I recited a message to him that he said to her that he admitted it. The fact that he didn't automatically own up to it, he didn't apologise straight after,

didn't regret it in the morning after and continued to message her when sober made me question whether I knew him and wanted him in my life. I got some advice from friends and I was torn as to some told me to leave, others told me to have a deeper conversation with him and find out why whether we can move forward and not just throw away 10 years it was the hardest decision decision to make as I had my four-year-old son to prioritize I chose to stay to try and work through it and to make sure he understood how I felt that it wouldn't just be resolved in four weeks, four months etc and it would take time. Fast forward five months I was really struggling. Are you okay? Oh can't really trigger it.

Fast forward five months and I was really struggling to move on. He wasn't making any effort or trying to regain my trust. I'm a student at university and I was failing my exams. I was struggling with anxiety and felt completely lost. One Sunday, we had a chat and decided it wasn't going to work this way. We decided it was probably best to separate. Within an hour, his attitude instantly changed towards me. He started drinking after we had finished our conversation. I asked why he was speaking so angrily, looking at me in disgust

when an hour ago he had been civil and agreed to make it work for our son's sake. I asked who he was messaging as they were clearly having an influence on his actions and behavior and it was her. He had messaged her telling her he was single and they should meet. She instantly replied telling him her relationship had also broken down and she was also single. I felt sick. He had been single for one hour and was already planning to get with her. I asked him to leave but his parents didn't want him as I had previously spoken to them about everything and they were disgusted. He slept at his brother's for one week and then came back and has been in the attic ever since. I haven't got anywhere to go as I don't have my parents and no family nearby. Looking back now I feel like I should have changed the locks as I have since discovered he was meeting her when he was telling me he

was working late or doing a job for someone. I feel like I'm being walked all over and everybody is laughing at me but I'm so scared of the reality that I would be a single mum if I was to leave. I can't leave now as I'm a student. I have no income, nowhere to go and a child to care for. The thought of it makes me sick and anxious and I have no income nowhere to go and a child to care for the thought of it makes me sick and anxious and I have some really intrusive and dark thoughts I think I know the answer I know what needs to be done but I'm petrified how am I going to be a single mum as a student who has to work full-time placement with little support thank you so much for reading and for your help and advance I just think I found that whole email really really triggering yeah um yeah i i

really resonate with the whole story yeah i mean look she said at the end of the email i know what i've got to do and yeah there's no way you can stay in that relationship there's no way and it's like what um tracy said there's always out. There's always a way out. And I actually feel like if anything, our advice would be go and look at her page and find things out that you can do. Like, it's just not a way to live. Like, also, he doesn't even have any remorse. Like the minute he was single for an hour, he going in like grass is greener that's what he thinks he thinks the grass is greener i've got this new slag hope you're listening hun um i'm sorry for you like it's shit and i i understand how you're feeling christmas i know there's

there's never a good time to break up with someone or find out someone's like ruined your whole world but do you know what it's i'm sure we spoke about it the other week when we had our christmas episode it almost makes me a bit sad that there's so much pressure around christmas even like if something bad is to happen around that time of year. I don't know. There must be so much negativity around Christmas as well because it's meant to be such a happy time of year. So that pressure, isn't it?

So much pressure. So we're really sorry. Thank you for emailing in. My heart goes out to you because... And you can do it. What we said earlier in the episode you're stronger than you know you can get through it there's always a way lean on the people around you and yeah sending you lots of love right we're going to introduce you to a new segment we've got confession of the

week oh is that how it's going to go so we want to hear we're gonna do one confession each episode it's anonymous yes so always but no i feel like this is just something to like add in because some of the things that you have sent in have had me in a fit yeah i just find it like do you know what even if we weren't doing these segments i might just do these on my own stories because they just fill me with so much joy make you feel better about life are you ready for this confession like you're gonna die go on i forgot to buy milk on my shop and my son cannot not have his cereal in the morning he is five i gave him my breast milk in his cereal. Get those extra nutrients in. I mean, look, if it was like your husband,

that would be even more bloody brilliant. I'm sure your five-year-old probably had your breast milk at some point. You're giving him that extra bit of goodness for the winter months. Yeah, a little bit of immunity. Yeah, so I love that. So guys guys make sure you send in your confessions you can send it to our email address maybe we should share our email address on here again for anyone that doesn't know sending in emails you know advice stories confession confessions uh dilemmas event of week. So it is not as we planned podcast at gmail.com. Should we end the episode with a little affirmation?

A little afi-afi. Okay. This week's affirmation. It's okay to be the way you are right now. It is understandable that you felt the way you felt. And I think that's it. I think it's knowing how you feel is valid and understanding your triggers are valid but again it's finding someone that understands that and makes you feel seen and heard and supported yeah and it's a

healing process and it doesn't mean they're always going to be there thank you guys so much for listening i hope that you enjoyed the episode as always like like share follow um and we hope to see you again next week bye