Pardon My Take - Best of 2022, Aaron Rodgers, Chris Berman, Dungeons & Dragons And More

Episode Date: December 28, 2022

(00:00-03:07) Intro (03:07-15:23) Aaron Rodgers (15:23-34:38) Life With Ryen Russillo & Mark Titus (34:38-53:19) Chris Berman (53:19-01:12:45) Dungeons & Dragons With Timm Woods (01:12:45-01:19:31) One Question With A Quarterback (01:19:31-02:00:35) Best Podcast Moments (02:00:35-02:53:17) Best Moments With GuestsYou can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/PardonMyTake

Hey, pardon my take listeners. You can find every episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. On today's Pardon My Take, best of 2022. We have everything that happened this past year. Best interviews, best moments, all of it. In one spot, relive what was a great year in Pardon My Take.

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Okay, let's go. Boy. Boy. Now in the street there is violence and then a lot of work to be done. No place to hang out or wash in and then I can't live all on the sun. Oh no, we're gonna rock down to electric avenue

and then we'll take it higher. Oh we gonna rock down to electric avenue and then we'll take it higher. Welcome to part of my take. Today is Wednesday, December 28th and let's get into the best of, shall we PFT? I'm pumped. We had a very good year, a great year.

Some of our best of is actually, ironically, I think some of our worst of. Yep, always. I was looking at the list of some of the stuff but that's the magic of this podcast. Sometimes it's so bad that it's great. Yes, so let's dive right in. Best of 2022 and we will be back live with a new show

on Friday live from the Arizona Bowl, which you can watch on barcel.tv. 430 PM Eastern, Ohio versus Wyoming. Check us out. We will be there. Hey Big Cat, do you have any New Year's resolutions? Yeah. I'm not telling you.

Okay, that's smart. That's smart because then you won't do them. Yeah, no, I'm gonna get in shape. I'm gonna, here's a good one. Here's one that you can use for free. I use this every year. I'm gonna start drinking more water. Yeah, no, I did, one year I did more apple juice.

So I had one cup of apple juice. Yeah, I think I'm gonna drink more water. I'm finally gonna, the boys are getting hydrated in 2023. Hard bodies. Yeah, I like it. Hydrated, it's gonna be a great year. Super Bowl Labs loading. Yeah, so let's hop in best of 2022.

He's won one Super Bowl, which we can get into because I had the theory that if you win one Super Bowl, you actually have none. He is a four-time MVP of the league. He has an 11 and 10 post-season record. One and four in NFC championship games. I'm just introducing you. One of the best quarterbacks ever, Aaron Rodgers.

Welcome to the show. Thank you. Okay, I don't really know where to start other than like, how dare you, how dare you? Big Cat, would not ask you any questions that aren't threatening, so I'll start it because we ask everybody this on Grit Week. I forgot about that.

I got blinded with Grit. What does Grit mean to you? Wait, are you recording this? I know you like to, you don't trust the media. Do you have your own tape for your own? Yeah, yeah. Okay, so what does Grit mean to you? It means you're from Pittsburgh.

Ooh. Okay. That's actually an answer we haven't had yet. That's a great answer, though. And it's true. That's what's been ingrained in me since I was a second-year player in the league. I've been surrounded by Pittsburgh people. Everybody from Mike McCarthy to Tom Clements,

to Ben McAdoo, Dom Capers, Darren Perry, Frank Signetti, a lot of Pittsburgh people. And all they talk about is just toughness. Yeah, that is true. At Pittsburgh, Grit. Putting fries on sandwiches. Wait, so are you saying that you miss Mike McCarthy? I love Mike McCarthy.

Yeah, yeah. So why don't you marry him? Listen, all right, let's just cut through it. Put our cards on the table. If you had to go to jail or prison, which one would you pick? What's the difference? Well, jail's probably a little lighter than prison.

Do you feel like he's county jail? I've said, see, listen. A lot of people. If you liked a Manhattan Correctional Facility with a real jacked-up former cop as your cellmate for a night. From what I've read, I think if anybody in this room, and I don't know some of the other people in here,

and Tom has a sketchy past, but I think you would probably be most likely to go to jail between all of us in here. Really? Yeah. I've made some crimes, that's fine, but I also admit to the crimes I commit where you don't, and you kind of skirt around it.

But listen, I'm actually very realistic about you as a player. I've always said you're a very good quarterback, very good quarterback, even league MVP four times, right? I do think that you should be in jail or prison, and I'm fair to say you get to pick. I think jail's better than prison, so you can have that and I will meet you halfway. Uh, no?

Okay, all right, well, I'll work on it. Let's do it, let's try a different angle. How close were you to retiring? Be honest. Close, I don't know how close is close, I was thinking about it, yeah. So, Jeopardy, that would've been cool. Yeah, that would've been cool.

Yeah, did you want that job? I did. I feel like it's a thankless job though, because that's become one of those shows where no matter who's hosting it, it's almost like the Jeopardy community loves to nitpick at the host and be like, you're not Alex Trebek.

Well, yeah, that's the case, and I would say for many of the shows that I grew up watching, that is definitely the case. Price is right, nobody can ever be Bob Barker. Best show ever. But I will say one guy who's transcended all of that, and even surpassed Louie Anderson, who nobody thought ever could, is Steve Harvey,

with Family Feud. He's America's host, you're right. Family Feud, you know what I mean? That show went through so many different people, and all that didn't make me to have one iconic host other than Louie, I think Steve definitely did that. So I was actually, like I said, I'm actually fair with you. You might think I'm not fair,

but when you were saying that you wanted to do it. No offense, but I don't watch your stuff. What? My what? We don't think about you at all. You're never gonna retire. You're never gonna retire. I just got one follow-up.

Are you really sensitive about what I said last year after I scored that touchdown? Okay, let's get into it. So you said, I own you, I fucking own you to the city of Chicago. The city of Chicago has $38.7 billion of debt. So are you gonna pay that? That's a good one.

I mean, do you own us? No, I was, I don't think I was saying that about the entire city. Now maybe Soldier Field, every fan who was flipping me off, you know, that negativity that was kind of coming my way. It was a pretty substantial FCC fine. That came Fox's way. Do you own that fine?

You can't just say fuck on TV. It's supposed to be a 10-second delay. So I think that's out of my hands. I actually own you because I'm a Packer's owner. So I own you, you own him. You own a piece of paper that has zero actual value. I actually stole it from our Goldfish. So our Goldfish owned you, then he died,

then I inherited the share. Now I own you, you own Big Cat. So I guess I inherited that debt. Do you feel bad for what you've done to my friend Big Cat? No, I don't. At all, like not at all. Because I don't know if you can tell this. I think he's conflicted.

He's conflicted. It's kind of like Darth Vader and Luke Skywalker. Remember, he's like, I can feel the conflict within you. And he says this fake statement, like, oh, there's no conflict I move on. Inside, he went to Wisconsin. Yeah, I hate you, though. I hate the Packers.

He's seen some of my all-time best moments on the field. Not only at Soldier Field, but also at Ford Field. So I was a Lions fan for 24 hours. But deep down. And I went to go help support the Lions fans to try to beat the Packers. And then you threw the Hail Mary right in my face, directly in my face.

Like I said, you've tortured me. They had me on the way over here. They were like, what's the worst moment, Aaron Rodgers versus the Bears? And I just started listing a laundry list. And it goes on forever. Do you get extra, like, do you actually relish in the fact that you beat the Bears the way you do

every single year? Yes. Fuck. I mean, I knew the answer to that. Because it's a great sports town. You know, if we're beating up on a town that doesn't have great sports history, it's like just another win.

But Chicago is Chicago. You get 100 years of Bears football almost, right? You have the Chicago Bulls. I grew up a Bulls fan. You know, back on my old TV, we had like seven dials, you know, and you had to like hit it just right with the antenna doing. We could get WGN.

So we could watch, you know, Cubs Baseball and Harry Currie. You know, that was like iconic and Bulls basketball. So we're like meeting somewhere. So I grew up watching Chicago sports. So all right, what's your favorite memory? I'm just going to do this because everyone's going to want to hear it. What's your favorite memory of beating the Bears?

What's your favorite Bears all time? Because there are a lot. I actually like weirdly, I'll tell you mine first, because there's, you know, Randall Cobb was terrible. The NNFC Championship game was terrible. When you faked, you had an injury with Khalil Mack, that first half, and you came back. Weirdly though, the one that just kills me the most,

because actually Hank and Dave, we were in Arizona for some college football thing. And we watched Sunday Night Football. It was a game that you put up like, I think you guys were 42, nothing in half. And they just laughed at me for an entire half. And they're like, how do you watch this? That one hurts, I think, weirdly the most.

So what's your favorite? Go ahead. That one hurts because it was 42, whatever, at halftime. And I'd thrown six touchdowns. And the record is seven. And Mike was going to sit me. And I was like, how about one more possession? He goes, OK, one more.

So we got down to the nine yard line, and threw it three times, three incompletions. Bend, don't break. Yeah. So we went up 45, nothing. Yeah. All right, so what's your favorite? Probably 2013.

OK. Only because I came back from my collarbone. Randall came back from his knee injury. And then somehow it was for the division. After so many things happened for us to be able to be in it. And I believe that Detroit was still in it the week before, then they had a bad loss to somebody.

So then it came down to our game. And neither team, I don't think, was great that year. But we're still playing for a home playoff game. And I start off, I throw a pick to Chris Conti on a rollout. And I'm like, shit. Like, is it going to go like this tonight? And then I do another pick to Jennings in, I think, the second or third quarter.

And then we had that weird, fluky, pep-caused fumble. And Boykin picks it up, and nobody's doing anything. And he runs in the end zone. And on the last drive, we converted three-fourth downs. Fourth and inches on a dive play, a fourth and three in a throw to Geordi. But the last one was pretty amazing. So what, this is terrible.

I actually hate that I'm doing this. This is actually my least favorite thing I've ever done coming here right now. But when you saw that, I want to tell you. Thank you, thank you. No, I mean, sometimes, no, I mean, I know that we've all struggled with our own issues. And I know weight's been kind of up and down for you.

But I feel like you look really good. You don't watch anything I do. No, I just heard. Oh, OK. OK, you heard about the weight. All right. I'll be honest, I like you. I don't like what you've done to my friend,

because you probably aged in, like, 30 years. But you're a Washington fan, so you don't care. Yeah, but you don't watch anything that would do. Right, I'm a nihilist, OK? I'm convincing myself to root for Carson Wentz this year. That's how bad things have gotten. I'm actually a Commander's fan. Don't forget about that name change.

But I do like you. I noticed that you had almost like a significant change in perspective over the last few years. You become, it seems like you're having more fun from what I've seen. You're enjoying your teammates. You're enjoying the process. You're enjoying what you get to do while you're still

able to do it, which I think is very cool. And you have a good perspective on where football fits into your life. I think a lot of people don't have that, especially from the outside. So I guess my question is, when did you first try ayahuasca? A few years ago. Yeah, yeah.

Straight from the source? What source? Ecuador? I don't think it's made. I don't think that would be the source. Amazon, Amazon, yeah. By the way, the tattoo looks better in person. Thank you.

That's another thing I admire about you. You're totally go ahead. You're like, listen, if you want to put a needle in my arm and inject whatever you want in there, I'm totally on board with that. I could never do that. People say, oh, immunization, vaccination. I did.

I said that a lot. Yeah, you did. How many people do you think you killed? What's your count? How many grandmothers? Let's just do grandmothers. I mean, I know you guys are fucking around. I don't find that part funny.

I really don't. Oh, shit. No, yeah, yeah, yeah. Can I ask you a non-condescending, in a non-condescending way, a question? Yeah. I'm going to. That question was kind of hard.

That was a rhetorical question. That intro question was a little bit condescending. It was rhetorical, yeah. OK. Truly, is it hard for you as a Bears fan that some of your greatest moments are cheering against me when the Bears aren't playing? OK, good question.

Very good question. No, it's actually great, because what I've told everyone is I'm very realistic about the Bears, not a great franchise. Just don't do the right things for the most part. Every year I look forward to the playoffs and the game that you're going to lose. And I've told this story on the air,

but like when you guys lost to San Francisco this year, we were watching the game in New Jersey, and I drove back to Brooklyn, Bragg. And I listened to Tausher ESPN Wisconsin for three hours I sat in my car. I arrived home. It's a 20 minute drive. I had ride home.

I sat for three hours listening to callers, be like blow up Lambo, get 12 out of here. We need to build a dome. This team isn't built for the outside. And that was the highlight of my NFL season. And I have no problem saying that, because I know I'm a loser. That's the best part. I've come to grips with the fact that I'm a loser.

So yes, watching you lose in the playoffs is my, that's my Super Bowl. And I've won a lot of Super Bowls, if you do it that way, more than you. We are at Ryan Russell's house. It is Ryan Russell, Mark Titus, PFD myself, life episode two. Yeah, there's definitely,

there's a lot of times where I'm like, you know, especially like on the weekend when I'm, you know, doing a lot of parenting, and I'm like, I miss the dude who can just go and get drunk at a bar at like noon. But then you don't really miss him. But you do. What is the biggest difference

between having the two kids, not emotionally? Cause like, I mean, your answer is going to be like, you know, I love more, blah, blah, blah. Who cares? That is the truth though. That's one of those ones that like, if you don't have kids and I don't, I'm not shaming anyone,

but like when you do have a kid, you're like, oh fuck, this is completely different than anything else. Yeah, I have a dog. I get it. Yeah. It's a love you can't understand. What is the biggest difference day to day life or like the thing you've had to cut out

that you didn't anticipate having to cut out in having kids? It's like, there's no, there's like very little time where I can just do nothing. Yeah. You know what I mean? Like there's very, there's like maybe, it's like Friday night. And then like maybe like an hour or two

on like a week night where I can literally just do absolutely nothing. That's the part like where you can't, like I can't just like sleep till 11 and be like, I'm going to do nothing on Saturday. Yeah. I'd say that's the biggest time thing. But it's, you know, it is what it is, right?

Yeah. Don't have kids. I actually think you should, but. Who, me or all of us? Everybody. No, yes, yes. Why'd I get to know? I had, I remember the first time I thought

I was going to have a kid, I was 21. Ooh. Yeah, I headed back to UVM for my senior year and this older woman fitness instructor, no big deal. She was like, I'm pregnant. And I was like, this is going to fuck up my senior year. Yeah, that would. That was definitely a time I wasn't ready.

Yes. And it wasn't going to turn back on anytime soon. And then guess what? Magic of science. I think she was just fucking with me, seeing how her react. Pretty nasty. That's actually a funny.

Well, it wasn't funny for me at the time, but I remember being like, well, fuck, like, I guess how am I going to do this? Like, this isn't going to, this is going to, like can I go out on Thursdays still? I'll cut off Wednesdays. Right. Like, will it be a custody thing?

Cause I'll definitely like not have 50-50. I'm 21 and in school and like, we have a dog and there's six of us. So the kid can't probably stay with us that much. So anyway, you know, look, didn't happen. And here we are. So. All right.

So we do have Hank. So this is going to air right before he has to give the speech, but he's giving his first best man's speech ever next weekend at his brother's wedding. So he asked for some advice. And I think, I think we've all done it at least once, a couple of times. So like, what, what, what are,

what is the expectation, Hank? I do think there is like a expectation for me to put on a show. Definitely like the outgoing one. Yeah. Always got in trouble and stuff. I feel like, I feel like there will be some expectations similar to you or, you know, my family's expecting,

expecting a show. So. What? Wait a minute. Can I just, a show? A show. They're like, they're like, they're like, oh, like, you know, like this, this speech is coming.

Like something's coming. No, I know the, that's, that's, that's. All right. Yeah. No, some more stuff. Yeah. The reverse is my brother, my brother's very shy, like a little more guarded.

If it was reverse, I don't think they would be expecting a crazy speech for this. No, Hank, you, you like, like, you do, you have a job, you have a lifestyle that you're like, you're in front of a camera sometimes and talking to microphones and stuff. So I think people go to, go to a ton of weddings and you see people get up there that are nervous.

So anytime it's a situation where you know someone might not be nervous to publicly speak, you're like, oh, thank God, this is not going to be the worst fucking speech I've ever heard. Yes. That just sets the expectation. Yes. People are expecting it.

Yeah. No, you're, you're absolutely right. I, so I have a couple of high level thoughts and you guys can go off of it. But I already told Hank, I think this, I think you have to keep it like five minutes or less. I think anyone who goes longer than that is, people don't.

You mean every woman? Yeah. Well, I didn't say that you did. Yes. I did say though to Hank, I was like, make sure you go out. The science backs it up. Well, that's true.

What Ryan just said. You got to remember that you're not the star of the show. You got to remember that the stars of this show are actually the bride's dad and then her maid of honor. They're going to go super long. You're probably going to go on after the maid of honor. Your job is like people at that point are looking around like, when can I go back to the bar?

Yeah. It's three to five minutes. The biggest thing though, you can't have notes. Yeah. I think you have to speak from, I think the notes make you. Hank just got freaked out. The guy who goes up with, I've seen some really bad ones.

They got nervous people are listening. They're not as seasoned as you are. There's one friend that's listening right now that's going to know exactly I'm talking about his wedding, but he brought like cue cards. And it was, he forgot to mention the bride, which you can't, you have to mention the bride. Have to.

But I think no notes is the way to go. I think you have to prepare notes and then don't use them. Correct. Correct. But you have to, yes. The worst thing you could possibly do is be the wing a guy. No, you can't be the wing a guy. And then that is, that is an absolute disaster.

So, but it's like, Prepare the speech, but then don't, if you're up there reading notes. Yeah, you lose already. Cause everyone's like, wait, you need notes for this? Like you got to be, it's got to be, because people will be like, Oh wow, you really spoke from the heart.

It's like, well, I did practice it. But yeah, you're right. I think it's a pretty simple formula for the most part. Yeah, Hank. Is there a formula of like, you know, old anecdote from when we were kids? Yes. Things he taught me.

Yeah. Yes. Bride. He's a better person than me. That's usually a good one to be like, you know, like I've always looked up to him. Yes. And then a bride.

Had a weird face, but you know, he's out of it. Yeah. No. Don't do the, don't do the, the one thing you can screw up and a lot of people do it is they do like the bride add on at the end. They're like, everything I said about you, like,

and it's your wife too. Like you got to have a story about the bride. Yeah. The way to get around that is you, you talk, you find the things about your brother that you appreciate about him, that you don't have. And then you can say like,

this is what I've always looked up to him for. And then at the end, well then also include one story about a time you got into trouble. And then everybody will laugh at that. And then not too much trouble. Yeah, exactly. You have to be careful about that one.

Yeah, you have to edit it a little bit. You can't be like, oh, I remember that time that he got busted with a hooker in Acapulco? Yes. No, you got to be like, you remember that time where we, you know, we, we were on a road trip together or something like that. And you made the best play, like joke around

a little bit about stuff, but don't make it too serious. And then at the end, say something about how she's so much better than he is. Because that gets a laugh too. Where it's like, I always thought that you'd marry well, but I had no idea that you would out kick your coverage by this far.

You know, like something nice. I hate jokes like that. Yeah, well. Yeah, that one's tough. I'm just saying like, this is, this is how you got to end it. Say that she's better than him a little bit. See, I think you got to,

I think you have to add a story about her that doesn't, like you can't, the mistake you can make is like, you say a poll speech, you do four and a half minutes, and then the last 10 seconds you're like, oh, and also it goes for her. You have to have a story about her.

What do you say, Ryan? Did he ever tell you a story about meeting her? There's got to be something in there about that he met her. There had to be a moment that he shared with you about how he cared for her. Or just make it up. That's what I did for my brother. I also have a total zag,

because you said you wanted to give him a show and that your brother's quiet. Ooh, I like this. It's a dying art, ventriloquist. Yes. You bring one out and you say it to your brother and you talk to him and ask him questions and tell stories.

And because he's shy, you don't even have to be good at it because he doesn't want to talk. He's in front of all these people. And that's how you play it off. You give your speech through a ventriloquist, dummy that you're not even using, or just your brother's shy.

Just sock puppet. I got another one for you, Hank, that could bring the house down because your close personal friend, Tom Brady, has some time on his hands. Get him to give him a message. Play that. I do those for free, by the way.

You do? We're still, we'll do it for him. Yeah, that's probably gonna bum people out. You know, when you're younger, a lot of the stuff that you're going through when you're younger is kind of like your own insecurity. And I always try to remind this to like people. It's like, just remember,

like the other person you're talking to and all the insecurities that you have about yourself, pretty good chance they have just as many. So just, you know, go up and talk to the hot girl. Right. You know, there's a moment where she doubts herself and maybe that's that night. Yeah.

You know, and who knows. But I think it's like a good rule to kind of operate with where you're like, you know, just remember like the stuff that you second guess yourself. You're not the only one doing it. Literally everybody else. And even though they're trying as hard as they can

to project that they're not having any of those things, just like you do, just admit that like, all right, this guy's probably got some weak spots. Let's go. It's absolutely true. So, Ryan, you're right. But I also love that you're, the statement boils down to like,

you can fuck a really hot chick if you try. Don't give up on yourself. That's a little aggressive. I meant, you know, relationship, but that's what you're saying. It links into what he said and what I'm saying about caring. Like a lot of times you, when you're younger,

you're like, I don't care about this or this is cool to not care about. Yeah, cause you don't want to open yourself up to have someone be like, Oh, you like that? Yeah. It's the same thing too. As you know, where I went to school, you know, Vermont smaller school for whatever reason,

you know, there's a ton of Boston guys, ton of Fairfield County guys. And then we'd always be like, why are you here when you from Arizona? But all we did was make fun of each other. That's all we did. So like the only way you could keep up, not that this is like, oh wow,

that was the college where college guys made fun of each other all the time. But like, I remember carrying it into our 20s and I would just be like ripping on everybody all the time. And then you're like, wait, you know who's probably not a great time to hang out with? A guy who makes fun of everybody for everything.

And it wasn't, I don't know if what it was, it was just what I was used to. And I remember talking to my buddies being like, hey, do you have like weird moments at work? And a couple of guys are like, oh my God, like I had to stop doing that a couple of years ago. Like I almost got fired. And what I'd say is that there are these moments,

you know, like when you're in your 20, you think you have, like this is a bigger thing. Like I'll use the hangover theory on this one. Like when you're hungover, you know, big night with the boys and it goes away like on Tuesday, it fucking goes away. Right. It goes away.

It doesn't feel like it's going to go away. And you're like, should I take a foreign language? You know, maybe I finally learned an instrument this year. I'll get back on the dating apps. You know, I need to change things up. And then by Tuesday, you're like, what a fucking weirdo I was for 36 hours. What was that?

Right. Did you write a poem or something? You fucking weirdo? Yeah. So it goes away. I'd say that you can expand life out that way. Cause all of these little moments, all these little things, and I think this is, you know,

we're all kind of around the age and obviously I'm older than you guys, but you start to learn like almost none of it ever fucking mattered. None of it. That all of it kind of goes away. And that's the one thing that I still try to, now that I know that when I'm dealing with something

in the moment, you're like, you know this is going to mean almost nothing. Like this is going to be completely insignificant. And even though you're consumed by it today, you know that later on, this will have meant fucking dick. Yep. And it's hard to learn that until you go through it enough. But I would just keep hammering it over and over again.

Like as you're aging and you're getting older, it's a great feeling when you start to be like, hey, I don't want to be an asshole to everybody, but I also am like not going to worry about this stuff as much because it's not as significant on the path of the bigger stuff. Yeah. The world keeps on,

when you realize the world keeps on moving, it's a freeing thought. And you're like, oh, this is not the end. Yeah, not everybody is thinking about me. Nobody really cares. Do you want to do any little life hacks? Yeah, let's start it off. I know people like that last time.

Yeah. So start us off PFT. Okay. Oh yeah, we actually just talked about this briefly on the ride over here. I've started in the last like three, four years to put my clothes away at hotel rooms. When I know I'm going to be staying there for like four

days, three or four days. I don't live out of the suitcase. I set up the kitchen sink, the bathroom sink with like all the shit that I need out there. Never done it. Never, you never unpack. Oh, it feels great.

Always great. And then you call the hotel home, like let's go back home. It does, it feels really good. You wake up and in the morning you go to your drawer and you pull it out and you're like, I know where everything is. It's like a little mini home.

Hang up your shit. Although I got hung up stuff. I had a one for bachelor parties. Be, do, get up early one morning and clean the whole place. You're the king for the whole weekend. There's that one guy. Like if you get a house, if you'd make the effort,

cause there's, it's always that like who's cleaning and everyone knows the asshole who doesn't do anything. If you're just like one morning you're like, all right, I'm getting up and like everyone's going to get up and they're going to see the whole place is clean. You now have like basically checked off your, I've done something to help the crew here.

To expand on that, I think just the, every so often grand gesture in general is a great play. Right. The, like selectively picking up the tab. If you're someone that doesn't have a lot of money and, you know, that you can't, you can't not pick up the tab every single time. One time when you're at like,

it may be a mid tier restaurant, you're not at the really fancy place with all the friends. You're like, you know what guys, I got this one. And then they'll remember it forever. Yes. That was a trick I pulled with my rich friends once they got to the NBA and they'd come back. I would try like one, once every like two years,

I would pick up the tab and they would all look at me like, what the fuck? Like, you know, and then I feel like in my mind, I've positioned myself unlike all those other mouches over here. Like I'm, I'm trying, I'm doing my best and I don't know. It also is like, if you are in a spot where you've made, you know, some money and you have people you're working

with who haven't like doing the little things of like picking up lunch, doing shit like that. Like you actually, it's, it matters. You know what I mean? And like people, I also am a big believer in like, if you do, if you're in a spot where you're, whatever job you're in and you have people that do a really like good job helping you be better,

you have to make sure that you take care of them. Like I heard a story once at like Saban, just like he has everyone over this house, like everyone literally like ball boys, like everyone who has anything to do with the program. And like everyone gets like a huge Christmas bonus. And it's like, from like every person down the line. And it's like that type of thing.

Like if you have a, if you're in a spot where you have the ability to do that, it means a lot to people. And you don't want to be the guy who doesn't do that. Who was it that we're talking to that had like Matt LaFleur over and he thought he was going to a party. Brian Kelly. Yeah. Yeah. But he was, yeah.

That's right. Yeah. Yeah. Your guy, Brian Kelly. And he was just. He was Osala, right? But that's the only, that matters. He was the cooler guy. That story's so bad, I almost can't believe it's true.

Apparently Kelly invited Sala and LaFleur over. And they thought they were going to a Christmas party. And instead they stayed outside and parked cars for me. But like little shit like that, it's like, I don't even know. I don't know. That's so bad. It's true.

But there is like, you know, I think you have to take care of people that are. No, but there's a bigger thing that what you're saying. And you're right. You're totally right. And, you know, you may not learn it to a little bit later. You know, you also have to be the person that's in position. Like, look, early on, Van Pelt paid for every dinner.

Right. He just knew he was going to pay for everybody. He's going to take care of everybody. And I get to a certain point where it's like, Hey, let me grab a check here. Like, I know it's your move, but let me grab one. Just like Ty's just talking about. Like it's almost like, you know,

I remember like dating somebody when I was younger and she didn't have any money. I didn't have any money. And I paid and then like once a month she'd be like, I got it. And it meant the world to me. It's a good point to reverse. And I've had other people I've hung out with

where they had money and they, they wouldn't fucking cross the street for 10 bucks. Then they'd ask me for it instead. You know, you're just like, it's just a little, but I think what you're saying is like, I'll get all these life advice emails about, well, we had the bill was this.

And then after this vacation ended up being all these different things. And it can sound like, well, hey, you guys are now older and you've made some money. You're more dismissive. And I'm like, look, we just spent all this time talking about how hard it was to make friends and to meet friends when you're older

and stuff. And some of you fucking guys want to argue over $75 from a fucking bachelor party weekend where you're ready to, and I get like, hey, there is a guy in the group that always thinks he's winning by not kicking in money. And it fucking sucks.

And the only thing you can do is just keep hammering them on it when he keeps doing it all the time. And that's his role in the friend group. But don't be so like ready to go on some of the money stuff where it's like, you realize like some of the stuff, you guys are going to lose lifelong friends

over 50 or 75. You know, look, if somebody keeps doing it, like I said, I can understand it being an issue, but I can't believe how many emails we get. And you're just like, all right, you want to start cutting guys off

because a happy hour after fucking at 26 years old, go ahead, but you're going to regret it. I would encourage people to call for more meetings. Now that I've been out in LA for a couple of years, people love fucking meeting. They love telling me who you could meet with and now set up a meeting. I would say you should take that back

to like the Midwest, Midwest sensibilities, maybe Northeast, Pacific Northwest, American Southwest, yeah, turquoise. Shadow turquoise. If you're at the office or you're 23, start asking people to meet. I know you do feel important when you got a meeting.

It's like, oh, I got a meeting. Yeah, yeah. I'll still never forget this one intern, like emailed Greeny. This guy was out of control. He's the most aggressive intern I've ever seen in my entire life. He would just start emailing guys on the corporate email

to be like, would like to set aside some time with you for like 30 minutes or whatever. And Greeny was like, do I know what, and he would like leave the voice. I was like, why do I have a lunch at 10.45 with, did I agree to this? What?

And he was so confused. Then it happened to Van Pelt. Van Pelt one time was like, who the fuck is this guy? And this intern was just running around in ESPN, just booking meat. And he would actually like, he would phrase it in a way that was vague.

So it wasn't like, do you want to meet? Because that's a no. It would be like, was hoping to follow through on the time I'd set aside and you're like, what the fuck is going on? So again, that guy went a little too hard with it. And then once everybody kind of figured him out, I think he had a talking to,

because it was like, hey, I don't think Chris Fowler's gonna meet with you anytime soon. I don't think Chris Fowler wouldn't meet with me. But don't be afraid to maybe, like to follow up on something you said here. And take that LA sensibility and apply that to other places.

I like that. Off of that too, you, my favorite thing to do. And I think most people know this, but like, maybe like the first week of December is the perfect time to be like, let's touch base after New Year's and just fucking push everything. Like you can start that like the day after Thanksgiving.

Like, like, you know what? Let's say this for after New Year's. Hollywood doesn't do vacations. They shut down like seasonally. Yeah, right. I'll be like, hey, can you get this in? And I'm like, why do I have to be like, wow, people are gonna pick it back around February 12th.

You're like, what? The meeting thing is good though. It really does make you feel important. You're like, let's have a meeting. Yeah. Let's talk about this. Like the meet. Okay, we now welcome on a very, very, very special guest.

Long time coming. It is the Schwam, Boomer, Chris Berman. You know, the natural thing that you would say if somebody was doing the squealed pig play, that would be a whoop situation. Yes. No, no, no, no. Rumbling, bumbling, stumbling and fumbling

would be part of it. The whoop came from Barry Sanders. Oh, okay. So that it came as a, whoa, there's no other way to describe Barry's. I think his ankles were bionic. Tommy and I both think this because he, there's no way you could swivel as a human being like this.

Speed. And so that was the whoop of the whoop. That was more Barry's moves that come from Barry Sanders. He's the impetus for that. Now it's anybody that kind of does that. Yes. Now it, because the sound, I get stopped all the time, like 15, 20, or, whoop,

let's say it, whoop, they go, go nuts. But it's, so now I've moved it to the squealed pig play, but it was started with Barry Sanders. And of course a Lamar Jackson type of player you would do it with. But that's where it came from, out of respect for Barry. So what is the secret to a good whoop? I've heard you hit, I've heard you hit somewhere.

It bounced off the back wall. Was it McKissick? Yes. He left, it was like down at the right somewhere. Yeah, it was, it was against the Falcons. It was like early, like early October or something. You let out this whoop that I swear. Oh yeah.

It bounced off the back wall of the studio and came back to you. Yeah. I heard it twice in the highlight. I was inspired by his leap. Like he took a five yard, it was like a someone trying to do the pole vault, you know, in the Olympics. Like you can run on a long way to take this leap.

It wasn't just a little leap because the tackler went low. I don't even think the tackler went that low. He's a little guy. So he went, I, it was like the first, it was at halftime, right? So it was the first real whoop of the season that I could crank out on a halftime play. I do think of that every now and early in the year.

Let's put more ingredients in it a little bit. You gotta warm up the pipes, right? You gotta warm it up first. Yeah, it was not the first part. You gotta pry the pipe a little bit. Yeah, so do you like open up your chest? Is it from the diaphragm? Is it?

Just like McKessick did. I took a running leap. Yeah. It is, I mean, even you doing those little whoops for Barry Sanders, like we do it, but when you do it, it's like, oh yeah, let's just walk. But you're doing it, you like it. Yeah, but like the way you just did that.

It's a little whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop. Like it's not the same. It's you. It's only you. We also love the Raiders. I try to do the Raiders when we run the scores back. I do it as much as I can. You do a good job.

I've heard it. Thank you so much. That means the world to me. But when I do it, I feel like it takes my entire body about two minutes to recover from it. I don't know if that's something. If he does, it hurts. Yeah, it's like the reeeep.

Well, that really is, it's again, it's taken on a life of its own, but, and everybody loves that. And Scott, of course, Van Pelt runs it. I mean, he has my best couple and he has it on a button. Even if they're not playing, I think he presses it. Um, they, it was really an old Al Davis. Yeah.

Who really liked us. Al, this is Al's voice in the 80s. When I met him first couple of times, you know why I root for ESPN? Because you're the underdog. Just like that. Okay. Yeah.

The raiders and they were winning all the time then. Of course you heard him all the other way. So that's really an old Al. So a lot of these are owed to Barry, Al. So that, but the raiders know everybody loves the law. That again, that's great. That's a Louis Tiont windup. Okay.

That's a raiders. Not even, I'm, I'm. Right. Yeah. You just need a batting practice. I haven't had a sip of water in a half an hour. Yeah. So I'll be ready the next time you ask me that.

So, all right. So the whoop, the raiders, we got to do circle the wagons because that's, I mean, that picture too, of you holding the big bills jersey. Well. And we're, we're, we're honorary members of Bill's mafia. We love the city of Buffalo. We love Josh Allen, but there's just something about

no one circles the wagons like the Buffalo bills. It just, well, that team in the late 80s and 90s were, I mean, they never won a Super Bowl, but they, they only wanted to go to forestry. So say no more. And it's Hall of Famers and obviously Jim Kelly and under Reed and Thurmond Thomas and Bruce Smith. And, you know, they may have others in Cornelius Bend.

It was a great player. We go on Marves and Marve Leaves in the Hall of Fame, Bill Pulley, one of the great executives of all times in the Hall of Fame, Ralph Wilson, the owners of the Hall of Fame, and it's Buffalo. Right. You know, it's, it's other than Green Bay, it's about the smallest now.

I mean, it's, it's the bills. And this is the city in Western New York. They asked for nothing. I started picking them in 88. They were horrible for the whole decade. They thought I was out of my mind. They started 4-0 and I got to the championship, gave me the loss of the Bengals.

I actually thought these Bengals, except they've now gone to the Super Bowl, reminded me of the 88 bills. Like, I wasn't sure they were gonna get past Kansas City, but they've already announced, we're here for a while. Like, we're really good. Yeah. You know, I actually said that.

So I forget what game it was and I just cranked it out on prime time. No one, you know, looking right in the camera. No one circles the wagons, like the Buffalo Bills. And it became a war chant. Even the years, they were terrible. I mean, up until Josh here and Coach McDermott, et cetera, not a lot of great, right?

But it just became so much fun. And I don't want to do this, but I guess I will tell the story since you brought it up. So if you're a rock and roll singer, let's say, because I saw Billy Joel in Fenway, and then you're singing piano, man, and everybody knows the words, right?

He played it wriggly. He played all these places, any arena. And you get halfway through and then you lay out and you hear, if you're Billy Joel, like hear them sing every word. And he's like, oh my, oh my, oh my God, I like this. So when Thurman Thomas had his number retired, it was only about four years ago, it was on a Monday night,

and they asked me, Thurman, did, would I come up in the bills, it took quick, I'm gonna speak real quick. Someone else gonna say something for a minute, Thurman's gonna speak, it's halftime. And I got up for 20 seconds, I mean, again, the place is packed, they're playing the Patriots, when the Patriots would still beat them a lot. They played well that night, Buffalo.

They weren't ready yet, you know? I think Josh was a rookie, okay? So I think, yeah, he was. And I said, okay, Buffalo, you know where we're going here, we're doing it on three, and like this, in the 70,000, I went, no one, and then I stopped. And I heard, sir, I got, like the Buffalo bills, I mean, wow. That's Billy Joel singing piano, man.

Incredible. It was really, my relationship, in my 43 years, the relationship that I've ended up by accident because I'm on ESPN and the bills, and it's Buffalo, and the players, the team, the organization, the players, and the city, 30 years later. It's the most rewarding relationship I've gotten through my job.

They're great people. Yeah, we've, they're great people. We've experienced something similar. They have nothing, they have nothing. Yeah, we, every time we go, it's like this place. One thing I wrote down that I have to bring up, we're a big fan of yours all around, big fan of your golf game, as well.

It's all right. Love the wide brim hats. Has anybody ever told you like maybe don't wear a gray shirt when you're gonna be out in the 95 degree sun? Colorful shirt, yeah. Sweating, I sweated at 12. I had, okay, so I sweated a long time ago before I was, well, I'm better, you know, I lost a lot of weight now,

but I mean, again, it's the Titanic losing a few decades. So they're floating right out there right now. So, great, I never wear gray. No, it's always colorful, but I mean, if it's warm and hot and you've got a carnation shirt, you know, or a nice sharp purple shirt. Look, if you've ever come to my studio, which now I mean, I'm only, but back in the day,

three hours, you know, countdown, even in September, the camera people had to wear a jacket. You can hang meat in there. Because I sweat in igloo. Yeah, I run pretty hot too. No, after I do a good show. Yeah, this is perfect shirt for a high-end lot of stuff. Yes, they do, it's like a magic eye poster.

Black and that would be rough. Always, but I wear black shirts. But not on a golf course when it's 88. Yes, can we tell you something funny that you probably have no idea about that's a very weird, you're gonna think we're stalkers. Your suit cleaner in Connecticut had a signed poster of you.

Is it the grid father? We have that in our studio. He gave it to us. I could send you as many as you want. We have that one from your dry cleaner. No kidding. Because his son is a huge fan of ours. That's very funny.

And he said, I've had this. My dad's done the Schwarm suits for 30 years. I want you guys to have it. It's sitting in our studio. It's up. Every single time you come in, it's right there. I have plenty of them. They supposed to print 420 years ago,

there's 4,000, so I haven't gotten rid of all those. Okay, yeah. They're in the basement. But that guy, I mean, your dry cleaner's got a grid father. We made it look like even a knuckle ring is everything. Incredible. Pacino-ish. Yeah, but your dry cleaner,

he's probably had to do some work with the sweat. Oh, yeah. And some was like, just sorry, I tried my best. You know. All right, so this has been incredible. We got to wrap, I mean, we don't want to take your entire life here, but we got to do your best nicknames.

What are your best nicknames? What are the ones that you, you know, at the end of the day, it's like, oh, that one. Because we have some of yours that we don't have. Oh, I want to hear those, but, so we're going football, all right. Whatever you want to do. Well, we'll do football last.

Because that's kind of, I mean, so baseball, a lot of them now will predate even so much you guys, because I'm going to the ones that, because the 80s, I did 10 sports centers a week. We all did. We did Tommy Meese did John Saunders, John's birthday, and we lost him, what, five years ago, six years ago?

Great, you know, we could go on and on, all the guys, we did 10 shows a week. Doesn't make us heroes, but hey, we're a network, but we have one fourth of the staff, so you okay to do the next show? Well, I did the last, yeah, we got another one, go ahead. So, to baseball all the time. So, the best, I'll go right to that.

Bert Blylovin, because that's B-Home Blylovin, yep, because you don't have to, see, a lot of these nicknames are, you don't have to know, A, he's a pitcher, B, he pitches for the twins or the pirates or whoever, C, he has a curveball, kind of into the hall of fame. You are a kid and you heard from your parents, B-Home Blylovin, and as a parent,

you've told your kid, B-Home Blylovin, you don't have to be a genius to figure these out, right? So, that's probably the best. I mean, the early ones, baseball, Jose, can you see Cruz? Julio, won't you let me take you in to see Cruz? A lot of them were from Rock and Roll, Vaughn, Purple Hayes. A couple that stuck, and I just saw him last month, Crime Dog McGriff.

He, that stuck with him, doggy, every player calls him, doggy, he loves, he's such a good guy, certainly borderline hall of famer, didn't touch a thing, and he hit almost 500 home runs, by the way, but. Chuck Knoblock's one of my favorites. New Kids on Knoblock, yeah, and he liked it too, even when he didn't make the throw correctly.

Oh, now I'm spate, Roberto, remember the Alomar, that history book. Yeah, I love that one. I mean, food, there was a movie, not food, but George Taco Bell, I mean, like that with Toronto, like food, everyone knows what Taco Bell is, you don't have to know he plays for Toronto, that's the best part of him, and it's,

did I really hear that? And even if I get a chuckle out of him, see even more, so what do you have baseball? So one of my favorite baseball ones is Miguel Tata. Very good, see, I'm gonna, I don't forget these. To how did they come, to how did they fall, right? Yes, the best. I mean, it's, we are, right?

Jimmy Cliff. The best. Oh, man, so I'm going too far back, I'm trying to think of. We can go to football too, with football. Oh, football's a ton. Yeah. So football, the best ones are those you can deliver under the highlights.

You can sing with them. We've resurrected Lito Shepherd this year with Debo, you know, which is Boss Gags and Debo. Whoa, it's the Lito Shuffle. One of the great wind-up songs of all time. They, we used to do it for Lito Shepherd, defensive back Philadelphia. The GM of the Niners, John Lynch,

texted me like a month ago. Debo, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, like, you know, and I've known Lynch since late, of course, but. So when Steve Bono would go back to pass and complete it, you could go to, doot, doot, doot, doot. I got you, babe, on a completion, right? Yeah. You could go, so Elvis Gerback.

Again, these are all up, but they're plenty right now. If Elvis went back and was gonna be sacked, caught in a trap, you know? Yeah. I mean, okay. Mark Bulger, remember him with the Rams? Well, that's a scarecrow. Ray Bulger, right?

So he'd go back to that, that, that, that, that. If I could only find a receiver, you know. And then the kickers had a lot of them, including David Greenacres and the vet, they used to play the theme from the TV, but this is old. So now, and the guy that should be a head coach is Eric, sleeping with the enemy.

Yup, you know, like he should be. And that was really, Curtis, my favorite, Martin. Martian was a TV show. Obscure. Good for this audience. Do you remember Steelers, primarily fullback, Chris Mafala? Yes.

Fumatu Mafala. Yes. We called him Chris Fumatu Bad Mafala. Tommy would chime in, because that came out of shaft, it was like, you know, can you dig it, can you dig it? Yeah, like, shut your mouth. We throw those in too. We'll throw in like the Teej going back with the ball.

I know that. You're absolutely right, Beth. No, so now, see, okay, now. I have, yeah, we were missing a couple of my absolute favorite. I don't know if he's in the Super Bowl. Who's in the Super Bowl? So I'm going quick with Joe Mix and Match. It's okay.

It's not great. It's okay. But I'm thinking it's Bengals. I can give you one for the Bengals if I want. Go ahead, please. So Joe Burrow throws a pass to Jamar Chase. Burrow and Chase hide and seek. It works.

Hide and seek. Hide and seek. Or you could go, what do we do for Joe, for Joe Burrow? Do we do like? January Joe. All systems, Joe. Yeah.

Which is what it is. Think about it. Two years ago, he won the national title and now he can win the Super Bowl. Two years ago, he sat in the box with us at the Super Bowl. Yeah. Now he's playing it. He might win.

It's crazy. It's good for him. But why am I, I mean, we have, oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. The Chuba Missile Crisis. Yeah, the Chuba Missile Crisis. This year. Oh, there's all, go ahead.

Well, I mean, Jake Deloam. Jake Deloam is one of my all-time favorites. They like come and you got it Deloam. Yeah, you got it Deloam. You got it Deloam, right? That one's, and then John Kittner was my other favorite that you always do. Well, yeah, he, well.

Would Kittner, go ahead, Kittner Kaboodle? Yes, yes. I mean, I hadn't thought of him in a while. Yeah, I know. But that's, I love those. Look, a lot of them, a lot of the kickers. And I, I think it was, Jeff Fiegel's, Jeff Philadelphia Fiegel's,

which is like so, it's so easy, but it's just so funny to say. Cause he's playing for the Giants. And you're like, Jeff Philadelphia Fiegel's. When they work, when they're from where they're from. Like, like Royce Clayton was a short sub with the Giants. Royce Aroni Clayton, the San Francisco treat, you know? But Jeff, not Fiegel's, Jay Feeley, who TV now.

So I would do the who for that one, on long ones. See me, feel he, and you like to sing, right? You sung the anthem or something? Yeah, when we do our boxing. Yeah. That's a hard song. It is. It is.

Bob Seger and Healy Lewis and the other Steven Stills. Like they, it's really cool that, and what you guys are finding. Yes, you have your hardcore audience that it's proportional, but you meet people from all over America, Canada, et cetera, white, black, old, young, who like, hey, we're football fans, for example. And sports has allowed me and us to meet you guys.

Football fans. You like football. We like football. You like football? No, we like football. I like football. Let's have a meal. What do you want to talk about?

It's a perfect ending. You want to talk football? Some spread from a commercial. We have our very favorite, probably one of our top three favorite guys that is in the part of my take universe. It is Tim Woods on the show for a special edition of Dungeons and Dragons,

where we are going to have, this whole episode will be an entire adventure. And we have added the biggest nerd in the office, in Nick Terany. That's fair to say. He is here. Hot seat Jake. So it's going to be an incredible experience.

We're going to start fresh because we know we've done a bunch of Dungeons and Dragons episodes where like the first hour of the episode was just recapping what happened in the last one. So we're like, fuck it. Let's just start fresh. Let's do an extended version all in one episode. I am so excited.

Tim, take it away. Absolutely. It is so good to be here. Great to be back. It's been a while and I'm so excited for us to dive back into D&D. I think it's also going to be great that we're starting fresh.

The adventure that I have planned for us today is a classic. It is known as Lost Minds of Fan Deliver. It is one of the most well-known D&D adventures. And it is in fact, the one that we started playing but only did a little bit of before we turned upon each other and killed each other. So now I think we're actually going to do.

And that was like three years ago too. That was so long ago. Absolutely. Hey, Hank, are you going to drink those beers or are they just for show? I actually should. They're getting heavy on my head. Go ahead and drink them.

Go ahead and drink them. Got to lighten up that encumbrance. Yeah. Okay, Hank's cracking the beers. Let's do it though. Absolutely. And in fact, our story begins with a little bit of drinking as it were.

Oh, here we go. At dinner and drinks are being served because of course they always are being served at a Dwarven merchant's house. We are at the home of one Gundren Rockseeker. He's a Dwarven merchant, one of the three Rockseeker brothers and the first things they serve in his house

are always the drinks first, food second. It sounds like a second priority. This is a good crack head. Bill Cosby's house. Okay. Makes me strong, fuck. And I'll just say that Wayne the Bard, just a reminder as to who our characters are,

Wayne the Bard, you are also a Dwarf. So I'm going to say that's probably how you know Gundren Rockseeker already. He has a Dwarf in the city of Neverwinter. You are part of that Dwarven community. Right, but like Dwarf, it's not because I'm short, right? No, it's not just because you're short.

It's because Dwarves tend to congregate together. They're very close knit families and plans and they are always hanging out together. A lot of Dwarves in Neverwinter know each other and are part of this thriving community. Boys are back in town. The boys are back in town, absolutely. And Norm the Barbarian.

That's me. You are a human and in theory, in the thriving city of Neverwinter, you're even rarer than a Dwarf because most of the barbarians live out in Neverwinter woods, which is full of like werewolves and witches and all kinds of monsters.

You are making maybe one of your rare visits to the city of Neverwinter, mainly because Gundren Rockseeker has offered you money for a job. I'm like the kid that Bleacher Report posts, like the seventh grader who's seven feet and he's just dunking on a bunch of like five foot kids. Okay.

Yeah, that's good. Absolutely, though you are younger than Gundren, you are significantly larger than him. As a barbarian, you are muscled and strong and very much stand a good twice the height of Gundren when you are standing. This kid's gonna be a problem in 2030. Absolutely.

Never is. Never is, always like, nope, he was just taller than everyone. You got the natural talent, but you gotta level it up, of course. You're gonna learn how to play center in seventh grade and then you're never gonna grow and you're gonna be like six, three.

No ball skills whatsoever. Clumsy as fuck, yeah, okay. It's a good analogy for a barbarian because whereas you don't focus on the strategy of fighting, you just rush right in and have all that natural rage that is carrying you through. You know, you said something about drugs and he forgot about that.

He has just focused, he has spilled all the beans about this map. Can we ask him if he knows where to get some drugs though, just for tonight? Yeah. He says, I mean, I do, and he pulls it out of one of his bags, this pouch. Not for me, by the way.

I've got some pipe leaf here, if that's what you need. We can break this out and I just, listen, I just asked you keep it away from Gundren because if he starts blazing this tonight, he's never gonna leave. He's just gonna hang out and the next thing I know, I'll be the one tying him on to his pony to get him out the city gate.

It's gonna be a whole mess. Right, got it. I smelled the weed and I called the guards. Make a perception check if you wish to smell what is in the pouch. This would be a D20 roll for you. Yeah, I got, is this mid leaf? 13.

This is some long bottom leaf right here. Sticky, icky. OG Kush. With a persuasion of plus six and 19, I'm gonna say, you don't know where it's coming from this house, but you are catching a whiff. And I don't like it. Of some dank pipe leaf.

I mean, just one bit. Real dank pipe leaf. Just a gas. And as a paladin of protection, you certainly like, tis, tis, tis, like this is, I'm hearing it. Against the law. Wow.

What? I'm a pussy. The laws of never winter strictly state that pipe leaf use is regulated, but you know, the law enforcement isn't really cracking down on it that much anymore. It's not that big a deal. Just throwing this out here,

I think we should smoke cake out. I think we should make cake get hot. He should sample it. Tim, they made me do dip a few months ago. Oh no. Oh gosh. Yeah, it was bad. Okay.

He does love the long cut, yeah. And I don't take my shirt off at a hockey game and wear fake boobs. Okay. I suppose that was step one, then step two. The old value of process. Court one day. Let's get them high real quick.

Just take one hit. Okay. Certainly we would have the opportunity. Gundren is ready to break out just tobacco pipe leaf. And if somebody were to do a little switcheroo, it might take a while before somebody realized that they were not in fact smoking tobacco pipe leaf. All right, that's it.

Absolutely. So you've got the sticky icky right now. Well, he actually does. I gave him some before we walked in. Absolutely. In real life. Okay, there you go, absolutely. I'll say Wayne right now,

you have just been given some by Sildar. The other characters, I'll say of all the other characters, it would be Norm and Erlich, who would be the most likely to just be starting play with a little bit of their own pipe weed. And you certainly have a large pouch of some that Sildar has just given you,

hoping that you won't say more about what you know at this point to Gundren. I won't say anything, but I do want him to smoke it. Absolutely. When you get back, I'm gonna say dinner's done. Gundren is packing pipes, wooden pipes for everybody, of some of the finest tobacco.

This has got like cigars in his mind that he is passing around to everybody. Do you want to do anything as cake is about to receive his wooden pipe of tobacco? I'd like to put on some cool music. Oh, absolutely. Now, putting, oh, actually, you can literally do what you're saying

because you can either break out an instrument to play it, or you could create an illusion of your favorite music. Yeah, I want to do Hologram Tupac. Absolutely. An actual incubus. Yeah. Dwarves are historically not very friendly to people

who have killed their brothers, and they are very titleies. Okay, so here's what we do. Yeah, we didn't kill his brothers. Not yet, certainly. We should kill him. We should take his penis and bring it with us to Fandolin

and go to his brothers and be like, We go to Barstel Sports again. And look what we got, your brother's dick, and then we kill him. Let's cut off the head so they see it's the dick is attached. Oh yeah, good call. I would be prepared to say

they may not recognize that body part on site. Oh, they're brothers, yeah. And their brothers, so a head is gonna be much more recognizable. They used to take baths together. I could name everyone's cock in here. No problem. What do my flaws come into play?

Your flaws are yours to decide. There are some advised flaws here and personality traits, but you get to decide whether those are true or not. Those are just recommended choices. I have an insatiable desire for carnal pleasures. This is a fact about the human pallidum that he wrestles with this carnal pleasure, apparently.

I'm so afraid of death, I need to get one more lay in. Absolutely, yes. I'm gonna try to fuck cake. Okay, absolutely. You are feeling overcome by your carnal desire. I'm gonna ask, when you say you are trying to fuck cake, do you mean you are just trying to approach him right now and do this,

or you're trying to convince him? This is a good idea. Convince him, I'm trying to get consent for fucking. I would like to know, number one, what you're saying, but number two, what your persuasion skill is. Oh wow, you're very persuasive. You have a plus six on this. You're a handsome man.

I turn into a cartoon wolf and my tongue rolls out of my mouth. Absolutely, like the tuna can lid to get it back in. Absolutely, uh-huh, uh-huh. You're kind of seeing like a head of you, cake is getting spells at the ready. Yeah, he is. Look, it looks hot.

His ass is jiggling in that robe. He knows what he's doing. Absolutely, what are you gonna say to cake? Combat is just broken out. And you're fucking. I'm gonna bite my bottom lip and just say, wow. That's actually very, that's all you say, 100%. Make a persuasion check.

Fuck! Seven. I thought it was a one. With a plus six, that is not as bad as it could have been. A one would have been very good right now, honestly. But at 13, I'm gonna say with a 13, I will not force cake to make a wisdom saving throw. It's not seductive enough that he is in that position,

but cake, I will ask you, how are you responding to this sort of advance? Maybe he wants to have sex with me. It's clear what he is doing is biting his bottom lip and just saying, wow. And it's enough that you can tell it's directed at you. It was provocative enough you looked back and you saw the look on his face.

Just let him give you a head. Don't be a prude. No, I can't lie about what's going on. Something's going on downstairs, so. All right, that's the truth. Now I will ask, if that is the case, are you trying to hide this and play hard to get? Or, yeah.

I don't know if I have the balls to do that, so I'm just gonna straight up tell him. It's on. It's true, charisma is not your strong suit and so it would be hard for you to hide the feelings that you're having right now. I like telling the truth, straight up. Absolutely, what do you tell him?

I tell him, let's do it. Absolutely, 100%. I'm gonna roll for the goblins real quick. And the goblins are like, what the fuck is going on down there? They immediately understand there's some arousal going on here and they're like, and they're so thrown off their game, immediately you hear, I think, someone here does speak goblin, I think it would be the barbarian,

you can tell that the goblins are saying, wait, do we, we still fight them? And the other goblins are like, yeah, yes, I don't know what they're doing right now. And the goblins are like getting disadvantaged on any attack rolls they do, because they're so thrown off their game of like, I knew this one.

I think we're attacking the wrong group. These guys are just in love, like so, yeah. Norm, I'm sorry to say, you just got critical hit by what you think is a ghoul, and this ghoul is hitting you with its claws, so I'm going to need you to make a constitution saving throw as the ghoul's claws hit you. Now this doesn't happen.

Now this doesn't happen. It doesn't feel good for your boy, Norm. Plus six, I believe you have, because you're quite good at this. Four. Oh, I'm sorry to say, with a 10, that is not gonna be enough. A constitution destroyer.

Norm, I'm so sorry to say that since you are not, you weren't able to rage because there were no enemies around to rage against at the moment, and I'm so sorry to say that you just took 20, or sorry, 18 damage from the claws of the ghoul. They leap up to you, he starts throttling you and digging your claws in,

and that was the bad part. Here's the worst part. Oh, damn it, Tim. As the claws dig into your neck, you start to feel your muscles locking up. Oh no, there's poison. You are paralyzed by the claws of the ghoul. They're gonna have to push you around

and you're fat as fuck. That means that as you're getting paralyzed, the ghoul's looking around. Someone help me. He's gonna turn to Bran. Someone help me. It has one more attack, and it wanted to do that bite attack against somebody else

to try to take it on another ally, except when you get paralyzed, the ghoul's instincts kick in. It loves when people get paralyzed because then it can feast slowly. Oh no. And it's gonna bite you because it has advantage on this attack roll

now that you're paralyzed. Venge my death. That's going to be a 21 to hit you, I'm sorry to say. That means he gets critical hit damage for the bite attack as well. But he's rolling bad on this so far. Okay, he stopped that. Nine so far, 10 plus two,

another 12 points of damage. So Norm, you've taken 30 damage in all from this ghoul. Can we touch my balls again? You can't walk? Certainly, the days have passed, and so in theory, your healing is back up to full now, Greg. So you could get healed again, and then the last bit of bad news

after the ghoul does this attack. What? It's the worst news. This isn't quite as bad news because nobody's attacking you right now at least, but the two other ghouls in the room. Look up from the bones that they are chomping on. And they just turn in that scary way

and start rushing over the beds, leaping from bed to bed towards Norm and the others. Where are my bros? Erlich, you hear all of this, and so all of you can now roll into initiative against these ghouls. Can my bros help me please? Yeah, I certainly can.

Otherwise, I know you have mage armor as one of your spells. Shield. Oh, I do have the shield. You have the shield spell. That's gonna be very helpful here. I gotta pee too. I was just gonna pee in this bottle.

I was too, but I wanted to ask Tim first. Yeah, can we pee in our bottles? I'm totally fine. I actually just got this one out for that reason earlier. Absolutely. I'm reminded that I have my bottle here that I'm gonna use as well. Absolutely.

And, yeah, so. Don't look. Liam, blur out my penis. Okay, you are taking up the position against the ghouls. I'm gonna roll against you first while they're busy. Okay. And here's the first claw attack against you. I'm so sorry to say, the claws of the ghouls,

you step forward, like, bring it on. It lunges forward and gets a 20 against you. Now, I'm sorry to say that your armor class with the mage armor is 16, but if you were to use shield, that would bring it up to 21. It only lasts for one turn, but shield would protect you from this claw attack.

Are you using a shield against them right now? I'm a little distracted right now. Same. It sounds... Ah! Did you feel it, huh? I got to pinch her off, where I just peed a little on the tire. Oh, my God.

Holy shit. Hydrated. That's a constitution save right there to pinch her off. Absolutely. Okay. Just peed a little on the tire. So, if you use shield, you'll be safe from the claw attack. It's a cold water monster, see?

I over flowed. Yeah. It doesn't hold as much as you think. I just pinched off. Oh, my God. You guys have the exact same color piss? It's incredible. This is guys being dudes.

Has anybody ever peed in a game with you before? No, this will be a first. Love it. I don't know. What's the strategy here, guys? We're in a lot of trouble. I can heal Norm. Okay, so should I try to draw? Should I try to draw the ghouls to me

as I make a break for the door and try to put them onto Hank? I don't know. You would be able to do that with either deception or another skill. It's too risky. I don't know what else I can do right now. I've got spells.

I've got Thunder Wave. Thunder Wave can hit all 30 of these. Oh, I do have Unseen Servant, too. So, I can get invisible. I've got an invisible friend of my own, Hank. Yes. How's that sound? So, can I use my Unseen Servant?

Yes, you could. Okay, to go open up the door and unleash these beasts onto Erlich. The answer to that is, of course, absolutely. That is exactly what Unseen Servant can do. So, if you spend your actions summoning your Unseen Servant, it immediately conjures this invisible air elemental into the air. You whisper to it, go open that door.

It flies over. Now, the only problem is the Unseen Servant is very weak. I need you to roll a d20 just to make sure he gets this door open. It's stuck like the door was when we first got it. I just rolled a two. A two. Two, I'm sorry to say, is not quite enough, especially with the penalty that the Unseen Servant has.

Shut the fuck up. But, you actually, oh, there is something you can do here. It's five. You're dead. You're dead. With your bonus action. No, you're literally almost dead. No, you're dead.

At least I can walk. Wait, wait, I get a bonus action. Do you get a bonus action? Yeah, bonus action, bitch. Do I have to go for Nick? I'm taking him. Well, you get to use it to inspire one person here, and I would allow that person to be your Unseen Servant.

If you give your Unseen Servant inspiration, you get to add a d8 to that two. Okay. All right, here we go. So go ahead and roll a d8. You inspire your Unseen Servant. D8, which one's the d8? One with eight.

It looks like two pyramids stuck together. Thanks, good cat. Five. Five is enough. Yes, yes, yes. Just barely get the door open. Keep talking that shit. Keep that same energy, Hank, when the door's open.

What do you say to inspire your Unseen Servant? I do. My classic, it's the Draymon talking to Kevin Durant. I get up in his ear, and I'm like, you got this. You got this. Absolutely. You tell him to believe in himself. I think I'll throw the guy's head with the dick on it

and try to get that dick tied around his dick ear. I'll allow that. Like an earring. Yes, 100%. Like my rats get their tails tied together. A king dick, as it were. Or a dick king, I guess. Go ahead and roll a d20.

If you've got a dick ear, you can definitely hear us coming. Here we go. 17. 17. With your attack bonus, that is enough that it hits him in the ear, and I will let you roll a dexterity saving throw to avoid your ear getting tangled in that. Oh, I got a one.

Fuck you, bitch. Hey, dick ear. With a natural one, it's not just tangled on your ear. It is in your ear. You have a dick in your ear. It's kind of poking. They're docking. Yeah, it's docked.

It is docked. It's the new hotness. Every podcast has decided they need a quarterback on once a week to make sure that they're... I don't know what... I actually don't know the reasoning behind it. I think I know the reasoning behind it. It's because Aaron Rodgers did it.

Right. Oh, why don't we call Jared? Oh, yeah, we could call Jared. All right, all right. Good call, good call. Yeah, let's get Jared on the pod. I've got so many fullbacks. Oh, Jared's calling me back.

Here we go. Okay. Jared. What's up? Dude, we're... I don't know if you've noticed, but every podcast is having a quarterback on every week. Okay. So we want to have...

We were going to have Blake on for one question every week, but we called me to pick up. So you're just going to be on this week for one question. Is that cool? Sure. All right. So you're on right now. What was our one question? Our question was going to be, do you think Queen Elizabeth is in heaven?

Oh, do you think Queen Elizabeth is in heaven? I hope so. All right, Jess, my one question. Are you him? I think there's too many hymns right now. Yeah. It's like church. There's a lot of them going around.

I think, you know, if everybody's great, nobody's great. So we got to... There's got to be a new word, you know? Gardener, I know that you... You know, you're a tough guy. We've had you on the show. You talked about having to break your own hand, which was a crazy story. If the doctors were to x-ray your heart, how many dogs do you think would be in there?

Man, that's a good question. But, you know, I don't know if it's about the number of the dogs, but the size of the heart and the dogs. And my dogs have big hearts. And so I'd say there's probably about two dogs with very big hearts. Okay. I like that. That feels like... Yeah, it's like the size of the dog in the fight.

You've got small dogs, but if you x-ray them, your dogs have dogs in them. Yeah, one question with the quarterback, Blake Portals. My question is, we had a little bit of a discussion. Possibly people reaching out to you to see if you could, you know, train, come in, you know, maybe be a backup. How are you? Are you in good shape? Are you ready to be signed by a team? Maybe even the Patriots' Hank is trying to hog all the blanks.

I did. I heard Hank mention that the other day, and I appreciate that, Hank. I have not touched a football since January. No, I quietly... I didn't tell anybody. I retired. I didn't tell anyone, so I guess you guys are kind of the first to hear it publicly, maybe? One question with the quarterback, Kirk, we each get one question, yourself included.

My one question is a very important question. I saw when you were in London after the game, you did the gritty off the field. Do you think you killed the gritty? Because I don't think it's... I don't... It's not cool anymore after you did it. I haven't seen the tape, so I got to see the tape and then I could give you a better answer. But no, there's room for improvement.

There's always room for improvement. We can all be better big cap, but I got to watch that tape, certainly. And I would agree that anything that I do is no longer cool. So when I wear the plaid button down to week one, it looks like I got it from Kohl's, but if Justin Jefferson wears that same plaid button down to next week's press conference, everybody in Minnesota is buying a plaid button down. So I'm fully aware of that, and I don't want to do anything to tarnish the gritty. It's got a lot of momentum right now, so it's probably best if I just stay away from it.

I hate that you have the self-awareness there, because that makes me... Okay, all right, that was a good answer. That was a good answer. My one question. I don't think Minnesota needs any help buying button-down flanners. That's true. That's true. They're doing okay.

Right in. Right in. Yeah, we have to be very efficient with these questions, because we only get one. So I'll just tell people to check out the Joe Burrow Foundation. I'll give you that plug right off the back, because I'm a nice guy. My question for you is, if you could get one guy for the month of December and the playoffs, so again, for the playoffs, too, to join the Bengals, between Odell Beckham, LeBron James at tight end, or Harambe is alive again, and he's playing defensive end, and he's doing

a three-man rotation with Trey and Sam Hubbard. Who are you taking? You got to take Harambe, right? Yeah. I mean, the strength to weight ratio is just way higher than humans. You got to get after the quarterback in the playoffs. You have to be able to heat them up. You got to take Josh Allen or Mahomes.

I think the only person that's taking Josh Allen down is probably Silverback Gorilla. Yeah. I mean, that's an easy seven sacks a game, I'm sure. Hey, Matt, Jake Marsh, part of my Take Podcast. Congratulations on the win this week. But what's the longest you have gone without having to hear about 28-3? Oh, I'll give the in-season answer. It's once a week, because it's every stadium I go into.

Some unoriginal clown comes up and goes with the 28-3 line. So it's every week in season. But during the offseason, it just depends if I'm back in New England or not. If I'm up in New England, where I went to school, where my wife's from, then we'll hear plenty about it. And now you have to reset the counter, because Jake just brought it up. So today, cross the line this week. Swag, big fan. How many quarterbacks in the NFL right now do you think that you could start over?

50%. Ooh! I was going to say higher, but that you're a modest guy. What's up, Kenny? A quick question. What happens when you throw a football without a glove on? You know, I do that in the walkthrough, and everybody on the offense is just amazed at how I'm able to do it. So it's not too different, but I manage during the walkthroughs without a glove.

Quick break from the best of. Brought to you by our friends at Pardon My CheeseStake. Pardon My CheeseStake is a delivery, excuse me, and pickup-only restaurant brand, bringing you craveable cheesesteaks and loaded fries. Pardon My CheeseStake is now available in hundreds of select locations nationwide, with new locations being added every week. Pardon My CheeseStake's menu features 6-inch and 12-inch classic cheesesteaks, Chipotle cheesesteaks, or Buffalo chicken cheesesteaks, plus loaded fries and dessert brownie bites.

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Jake is going to have a stroke. Hold on, hold on. No one tell him. Jack Nicklaus. Okay. Jack Nicklaus. Was it Nicklaus? How did you say that? Jack Nicklaus.

He said it like Nicklaus. It took me like two seconds to realize that's who he was talking about, so my reaction was delayed. On what planet did you... Jack Nicklaus? Where do we find you, Billy? Rejected $100 million. Power through, Billy. Stay strong. Do not go to the Saudi Gulf League.

Shocking. Yeah, he rejected all that money because of his morals, so cool-throne him. Wait, Jack Nicklaus? When Jack Nicklaus was offered $100 million to golf, he's like 90. I know, to be the commissioner. Oh, okay. Yeah, so he didn't pull a... All right, good for Jack Nicklaus.

So it's fucking spelled. No. I'm with you, Billy. He's like one of the most famous... Why does he just spell his name Nicholas? Why is it Nicklaus? Because his grandfather's grandfather, grandfather, that's how he spelled his name. If you saw a picture of him...

If you saw a picture of him... Oh, wow. That was a joke. If you saw a picture of him, would you not recognize him? Make your name more American. Probably the first time... No, it's definitely the first time in his life that Jack Nicklaus has experienced racism. That's why it's fine to say that.

Holy shit, Jack Nicklaus. You are a special person. I love you, Billy. Yeah, no, you're a special guy. I love you. Don't read another book ever. That makes, like, Hanks, like, Objinn and Thailand. That's up there.

We should do a Mount Rushmore pronunciation. I think Thailand is equally as bad because it's like you should recognize the name. The same way when you see Jack Nicklaus, like, you know his last name is Nicholas. I've only read his name. Yeah, but Objinn is maybe even better because you're also, like, not understanding a vagina. That one, well, yeah. Who knows what an objinn... Like, who knows what that is?

Who knows what that is? A lot of people. Yeah, but like, probably because you're significant others, like, I had to go. Like, I was single at the time. Objinn. Jack Nicklaus. Unbelievable. Print the shirts.

Jack Nicklaus. It's also all capital letters is like... When was the last time he, like, played? But he gets talked... You've heard his name said. Billy, he tees off at a gust. I'm pretty sure he's, like, the first person that hits every single year. Right.

And they say, to kick off this year's Masters Tournament, here he is, Jack Nicklaus. But, like, when did he stop playing? A long time ago. Yeah, I think he stopped playing at the Masters. He's probably in, like, the late 90s, probably. Yeah, I was born in the late 90s. That's true. But he's still, like...

I think he has the all-time record for major tournaments. He's the guy that Tiger... I don't know. That's how you should know his name, because for the last 20 years, everyone's been like, when is Tiger gonna get Jack Nicklaus? Jack Nicklaus is the goat. Jack Nicklaus sounds better than Jack Nicklaus. He's 82 years old.

Jack Nicklaus sounds like every other dude. He's 82 years old. Jack Nicklaus. It is confusing when you got, like, Jack Nicklaus and you got Phil Mickelson. You want to call him Jack Nicklauson? Yeah. Yeah. I almost thought this article was about Phil Mickelson.

I thought he turned down the money, but it turns out he didn't. No, Phil did. No, no, Phil did. You know what? He's still trying. He's still taking the bait. That's what I'm putting... You should shifter this, like, when Tom Brady was suspended.

It was Dom Grady that was starting for the Patriots. Jack Nicklaus should take the 100 million. Yeah. And Jack Nicklaus should say no. That would be smart for him. Jack Nicklaus. Unbelievable. What a moment.

So just to, just to recap for everyone, Billy wants us to send him to Nashville to party with tight end you. And we basically were like, if you are on good behavior leading up to it, yeah, we could think about this. This might be fun. And then, uh, for some reason last night, he got so drunk that he didn't show up to work. That doesn't feel like doing enough to get sent to tight end you. Yeah.

The floor is Billy's for all the lies that he's about to give us. Look, dude, it was, uh, entourage. It was sick. It was not entourage. It was film. You want to unpack that? What was entourage? Guy Beckett Film Festival, JOLO.

I mean, it was awesome. I mean, I did, I'm here to take my lashings. Did what I did, you know, but it was, uh, it was cool. What did you do? You did entourage. As far as I know, you were in entourage last night. You were cosplaying entourage. It was awesome.

So who did you go out with? Uh, literally all the best lacrosse players from my childhood. Okay. Anybody else that works on this show? Was anyone in particular? Uh, Jake went home. Okay. Oh, so, no, so Jake went out with you though, right?

Then he went home and then he went home and then he came into work. No, no, Jake, Jake went home. We were at the after party till one in the morning. Oh, you were there, Jake. Till one in the morning. I left that one. Yeah. So that's, that's a reasonable thing.

So this is also, uh, these are my favorite moments too because Billy thinks that the history of Barstool started when he showed up and he'll sometimes be like, uh, big cat, you don't understand how hard I have it. Like you don't understand. Like this is like difficult. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on.

Hold on. Hold on. So I remember vividly, um, if I could just share a story when the Blackhawks won the Stanley Cup, 2013, um, I was lucky enough to go out with the team. I was out till I want to say four or five in the morning. Cause I remember, I vividly remember hearing the birds chirp when I got home. And then I wrote like 14 blogs the next day because I know if I didn't, Dave would have like reamed my ass out and made a fool of me.

Um, and so that just kind of shows you the easiness that you have because really the only punishment you're getting is we're just doing this five minute segment where we're like, dude, you couldn't come to work. Uh, on a Thursday, on a Thursday at noon. It was 2pm. I thought we were doing it at 2pm. I never said that. Wait, wait.

What time do you usually come to work? It was 2pm. What are you talking about? What was 2pm? Okay. I have no excuses. There it is. All right.

You're not getting the emoji back. The emoji's already gone. I don't want to take all the emojis. Billy, let me ask you an honest question. I'm sorry. Do you think that you are at a place in your life where you can handle the freedom of going to Nashville next weekend? Be honest.

Uh, yes. Oh, come on. You should have said no there. I would have given you an emoji for honesty if you said no. I cannot. No. Because the thing is, the past couple of days, you've been entertaining a lot of clients. Wait, what?

What? What are you into sales now? What though? Entertaining what? Clients? Who's a client? Name? List of clients.

Because there was an S on that. I would love to hear it. One client. Uh, game time? Oh, Aryan. Aryan's a client? Wait, wait, game time. No, because they give you a free ticket doesn't mean that you're entertaining.

They're actually entertaining you. Yeah. Yeah. And I don't think you were with that. You just went to a game. Like, I don't think you were with... No. No, he wasn't.

He went to a game. So that was entertaining game time. It's basically like when you... Billy thinks that when he drinks 15 Coors Light on Friday night, he's like, well, I'm entertaining Coors Light as a client. I'm at a big ad partner dinner tonight. Billy, you're literally sitting and drinking beers on your couch. I'm doing work, guys.

It's content. It's fine. I'm actually not mad. I'm just more... Like I said, I'm happy that it happened so that it can be an illustration to our audience who sometimes thinks PFT and Hank and I are too hard on you. It's like, actually, we're very easy on you when it all comes down to it. Because I'm not...

You're not in trouble. It's just very funny that you couldn't show up to work and do... The thing is, I like... This is like... I took a shower. Oh, great. Oh, okay. Awesome.

Now we're... Yeah, progress. I got up like at 10, 30, 11, like being like, okay, shower, go to work. And then it was like, oh, shit. We're recording at 12. And I was like, fuck. Okay. So you got up and everything and you even took a shower before you were even supposed to

be at work. So technically you were early. Okay. I'm sure there's plenty of AWLs who can relate to waking up for work at 10, 30. Yeah. And 11. And they're like, this is... No, this is cool.

Also just want to throw that out there that PFT, usually how this podcast works, as much as we think we... People think we don't have our shit together, we'll share on the text chain like, hey, what's the schedule tomorrow? Let's just fill each other in. PFT at 5.42 p.m. last night. So that's fairly early. That's not like late breaking news.

Texted the group. So noon tomorrow for firefests for Stappin' Perez at three, started the show via Zoom after the game. Pretty much laid out a teaser. Nice little teaser there. Yeah, that is. Yeah, that is. But that was all laid out.

And everyone was like, yep, that's perfect. Let's do it. Minus Billy. Yeah, dude. Being a big out. Billy. This is the full send Billy. I'm so, I'm so excited.

This, look, you guys are going to hear it and you'll be like, whoa, but... Will we know what it is? Yes. Okay. That's a good start. Corn. Oh, God. Corn is a fruit.

Can you guys view that? Is it? I'll let Billy say whatever he wants to say. No, that's going on the graphic. Is it? I think it's a... Corn is a fruit. It's a legume.

If you look it up, corn is a fruit. It has fruit qualities. Wait, that doesn't mean it's a fruit. No, it has. Qualities of a fruit. It's fruit curious. Yeah. No, it has.

So the kernels, corn, are fruit. Isn't it grain? The first question is... It's got to be grain. So the first question on Google is, why is corn not a fruit? An ear of corn is not technically a fruit. Instead, each kernel is a fruit. Exactly.

But that's not... So you're taking one kernel, one single kernel of corn. It's like a single hornet. No, no, no. You're taking one single plant. So are you taking one strawberry? Yeah, that's part of the strawberry. No, we're taking a strawberry.

No, if you had a taste test... Remember, remember, you're taking a corn. But you only eat kernels of corn. No, no, no, no. We eat corn. No, if we did... If we put this all out in the kitchen and we said, here is everything, you get one cantaloupe, you get one blueberry, you get one strawberry, you get one nectarine, and

you get one kernel of corn. There's kernels of corn that are bigger than one blueberry. Okay, that's fine. But you still... Like, blueberry has a lot of taste in it. Corn does not have corn. Corn is very sweet. They're a great band.

We do. Butter. I love corn. Corn. I love fruit. I don't love single kernels. All right, so you guys vetoed it, so we're going with it. No, no, no, no.

No, no, no, no, no. He gets a single kernel of corn. Look, I know you might be out there and you might be like me and not really like fruit, but love corn, and you're going to vote for Team Gilly because of corn. And there's some of you who might just love corn in general. Who are you talking to? I'm talking to the corn lovers of America who are going to vote for us and bring us... Tricks got your vote.

Bring Team Gilly to our first W this season because of corn. No, it can last every time. Oh. But corn will bring us there. Trust in corn. Okay, so a single kernel of corn is going on the Mount Rush. No, no, corn. No.

It's just corn. Yes, a single corn. No, corn is what I just say. You're scared of corn. No, no, no. You are scared of corn. Corn is actually a vegetable. That's what it says.

And then a single kernel of corn is a fruit. That's like saying the stock of strawberries is a vegetable. What? No. We said you get the strawberry. No, no, no, but when... No, the corn is a vegetable. No, no, corn is a fruit.

Corn is a fruit. It's a great pick. Corn... It's a great pick, Bill. No, I think it's a good pick. All the graphic four letters, C-O-R-N. Single kernel of corn. K-O backwards R-N.

Yeah, we'll do that too. If you put corn in the band on there, you might actually get more votes. Yeah, I'm down with that. Corn. If you ask someone, like, can you pick up some fruits at the grocery? Do you think anyone calls that corn? In Billy's defense, sweet corn is really good. Corn.

I know it is, but I... You're scared of corn. Corn is one of my favorite foods of all time. I'm not saying corn is enough fruit. It's not enough fruit. It's not fruit. No, I know. No, corn...

You're scared of corn on there, because corn might win. I'm shaking it. Bill Murray gift. Okay. Why did we have that big knock-down drag-out earlier about tomatoes? If you guys didn't even pick them. Well, I was... And you were gonna pick corn instead.

Yeah. Hey, what's in that bag? Let's take a look. You gotta... It's in that bag. Well, why don't we end the show? Oh. Oh, it's a part of my cheese stick.

Oh! Wow. It's a cheese stick at this hour. They were just lying around the office. Oh, okay. Great. So anyone... Anyone's supposed to eat one?

I think Billy lost a bet to White Sox Dave tonight. Oh, you know what, Hank? We gotta get the hot sauce. Oh! Where is it? Yeah, I think it's out on the couch. Okay, let's go get the hot sauce on the podcast. Yeah, let's have a bite.

We'll just have a bite. Yeah, we'll just eat something in here. Just have a bite. Just have a bite. Just have a bite. As we wait for Hank to get back, so Billy and White Sox Dave had a contest, and Billy was on the side of the commanders. White Sox Dave obviously...

I don't think we'll make good podcasts. ...on the site of the Bears, and whichever team scored first, whichever team scored first, the other guy had to eat a part of my cheese stick with Sean Evans Hot One Hot Sauce that's got, I think it's the 10 out of 10 spiciness. So Sean is actually, he's a friend of ours, and he said, because he's very excited to watch you eat this, Billy. He loves you. If it's a good sandwich, then we could maybe do a secret menu with Sean Evans, which would

be, I mean, that's a good business opportunity for you, so I hope that you're able to eat this. Mmm. It could be a lot of money, Billy. By the way, I don't like the orange helmets. Maybe if they'd want, I would like them. That's kind of how it goes. Yeah.

Can we call it a timeout here? Okay, timeout. Okay, timeout. Timeout. 20 seconds. You got 20 second timeout. 20 second timeout. I'm taking a full.

Okay, full. Sorry. You get a minute. You get a minute timeout. This was supposed to be for the stream. Yeah. If White Sox Dave would have lost, he wouldn't have had to do it. He would have went home.

No, no, he would have done it. No, no, you guys. That guy knows everything. No, he doesn't. No, I'm telling you right now, if we go back in time and change it so that the commander scored first, I would make White Sox Dave do it. Billy, we got this in the third quarter. We were just holding it for after we would have done it to him on the stream.

I know you're trying to come up with a show. Show me. Show me. Show me. Show me. Show me. Show me. Show me.

Show me. Like you guys think I'm an idiot. Well, White Sox Dave did beat you in the Wonderlick. Yeah, 10-17. OK, but still that is, wait, that is the third quarter. That's the third quarter. 10-30. Oh, that's the third quarter.

It's 11-45 right now. I hate getting punked by Billy all the time. What the fuck is this? Hey, what the hell is this? Billy, why can't you ever just do something without complaining about it? I do every fucking thing. Like, what the fuck? OK, you don't have to eat the entire sandwich.

It's just like... Just Billy, give me... How does putting tons of hot sauce advertise for the fucking cheese steak? We're like, I'm going to not like it with all the hot sauce. I wasn't even part of putting this bet together, but because you belittled our franchises, now I want to see you do it. Just give me three bites. You don't have to eat the entire thing, just three bites.

I'll take a bite. I'll take a bite too, OK? How much hot sauce are we putting on it? Will you calm down? I'll take a bite, but I'm on a diet, because Hank called me fat fuck. Like, because I'm going to be... You're welcome. ...probably not be able to sleep tonight, because I ate fucking hot sauce, and that's

going to be like fucking... It's just annoying. Now Billy's going to be like, you're giving me mental illness from having to do this. Yes, eating the fucking hottest sauce ever. I just told you I'd take a bite. Why can't you just do something? I'll smell it. I fucking do everything.

I'm actually hungry too. Yes, so eat it. So eat it. I will eat it, but like how... Just take three bites. I'll take one bite, OK? No, I'm going to eat it, but... I'll take a bite.

I'll take a bite. Am I supposed to put hot sauce on it? Yes. Billy, what are you talking... Don't... No, but there's no hot sauce on it. Do you want me to eat it? Billy, there's hot sauce right next...

Are you... What are we doing here? Are you being serious? What are we doing here? See how easy it is to take a bite? No, because there's no hot sauce on it. That's not the point. Billy, give me the hot sauce.

Billy, give me the hot sauce. Alright, now put your hot sauce on it. Give me the hot sauce. Give me the hot sauce. Sometimes I think you don't speak English. You just took a bite, no hot sauce. OK. I said I would take a bite.

I didn't say anything about hot sauce. I will take a bite with hot sauce. My dream lost. OK. Boom. That's it. Here comes the bite, and he took the bite. Wait.

When we originally talked about this, there was going to be dousing it in your mouth. It's going to be dousing it in hot sauce. He feels good. That's really good. He looks good. He feels good. So that's how much I can put on? That's how much I can put on?

No, you can't do three bites. Now do you feel bad about the plate? I know I'm looking unreasonable, but this is way oversold. I just took a bite. Who sold anything? Nobody. Will you stop? Right.

I'm not going to stop me. Billy, will you stop talking and give me your sandwich? Because you're about to douse in hot sauce. This is so stupid. I love every second of it. Will you stop talking? Billy, stop talking. I don't want to hear you talk ever again.

We thought Billy got over his fear of food and getting conquered by food in Colorado, but you can't do it. There you go. Yeah, that's a little bit. See that? Billy, that's three bites worth. PFT ate it. I did eat it.

I'm actually going to take another bite with more hot sauce, okay? Oh, whoa. He's just doing this for sport now. He's showing you up. This is just stupid. Okay, I'm just putting more hot sauce on it and doing this because I'm a man. Wow. He's showing you up.

All right. Oh my God. Be careful. Be careful. Be careful. Stop talking. This is so stupid. Oh my God.

How are you? Be careful. Be careful. Be careful. Stop talking. This is your idea. Stop talking. Yes, my idea is you eat the sandwich.

Not talk to me about eating the sandwich. Billy, be careful. Watch, I'll take a bite. You're all taking bites. You're all taking bites of sandwiches without hot sauce in it. Not me. I just ate three bites in your face. Take a bite.

Hank just took a bite. Wow. What a beast. Hank's a beast. You took a bite. You know what? Billy, I'm going to eat your half of the sandwich. How bad are you?

How bad are you? How bad are you? You literally volunteered me for something to put tons of hot sauce on it. Why are you so mad? Why are you so mad? Because I'm about to do it. I'm about to do it. I'm about to do it.

Billy, give me your sandwich. I'm going to eat it because you won't shut the fuck up. All right. Let's look into ourselves. He can't preview because he's not going to eat it. He's not going to eat it. Do a playoff baseball quickly. What?

Playoff baseball quickly. Give us a little playoff baseball. Jake, give us a little playoff baseball. Division series. We're on Alvarez. Very good. Really good. Monster.

Walk off in game one. Another one in game two. He's a monster. The Padres. Steel one in LA. Yep. 1-1. Out West.

The goose landed on the field. Or even in the Battle of the Annalise between Atlanta and Philadelphia. And the Yankees got rained out. So by the time you're listening to this, it'll be game two. In the afternoon, Yankees looking to go up to love over Cleveland. That's to love. All right. Thank you, Jake.

Hey, Billy, that was the wrong side of the sandwich you just took. It's not that hot. We'll kick it ourselves. Watch PMTV. You can watch the rest of this because I'm sure it will keep going on for a few minutes. Anything else from game four that we missed that we need to talk about? What? Like, what do you need to see starting?

I got a grammatical lesson. Oh, really? About what? I hate that. I tweeted fucking A, man. Oh. Didn't use a comma. Fucking A, man.

So yeah, I was like, I went back to my Twitter. It was just a live tweet during a commercial or something. You just said fucking a man. And didn't even look at it till after the game. Then I was looking. It's like replies, 20 replies, 30 replies. And then fucking a man had like 300. That's perfect.

You're such a good ally. Love is love. Yeah. It's Pride Month. I do think the Celtics plus three and a half is a good bet on Monday night. Me too. I might look stupid. So, I mean, if the Celtics have never, they haven't lost this postseason following the

loss. They've lost too straight. That would mean that they will win the championship. Correct. In seven. Well, they have one, two in a row. So they could win two in a row. Fact.

Win in six. And you are going to be sitting on the wood for game six, which actually makes Monday night like the most pressure packed game of your life because you can then go and sit on the wood for possibly a championship. Yeah. And there's nothing like you'd be in. You'd be in like the trophy presentation. Let's just not even talk about it.

Let's focus on tonight. No, we'll focus on clearly. You've thought about it. You've thought about looking up and seeing confetti. You're going to get on the court. You're going to have a net draped around your neck. I'm concerned with how much I've thought about it. Yes.

Do you think they'll get let you give a speech? Maybe not. I mean, not like not like your speech at Wisconsin, but I'm not going to talk about it publicly. I have thought about it. I drove home today. I mean, I had a five hour drive home today. You're right. So you were thinking like, all right, what am I going to say here?

Not to say, but just like, yeah, no, I'm not going to talk about it. Go back to the fucking a man tweet. Did you capitalize the letter A? No. Oh, it's even worse. So you really were fucking the man. Yeah. According to my title, that was my update.

That was my Twitter update in like the third quarter or fourth quarter. It was probably after Steph. Like kind of after Steph did something after my first step. Whoa. This might sound like I should know. I should know the answer to this question already. But what does fucking a mean? I'm looking it up right now.

Is it just from from like British people being like fucking hell? What is it? I just got what you type fucking a man. I put the comment. Come on, Billy. What does fucking a mean? It's okay. Where does it come from?

Because I think British people would always be like fucking hell. Oh, it's US slang vulgar, an expression of triumph or joy, usually in response to an unexpected good news comes from the military saying affirmative, which was said by soldiers in the heat of battle as fucking affirmative, which was later shown to fucking A. However, over the years, the meaning of this phrase has been changed is now used to express something as good. There's a double, double negative. Yeah.

I didn't even use it correctly. Twice. I think you can also use it to be like, ah, shit. It could just be like shit. I think that's what I was going for. Yeah. It can be like, listen, language evolves over the years. Fucking A, man.

Fucking A, man. Yeah. So it's like, did our bunker get bombed? Yeah. Fucking affirmative. Yeah. I'd miss it. I was fucking a man.

That kind of thing. I was sitting minding my own business at home on Monday night. I was actually putting my kids to sleep and I get a text message. Your father? I have a father, too. I got bothered by you, Hank, with this text message. Sorry to your one kid. That's two.

Trolling, man. I bet. Well, actually, it's three. Thanks, Billy. And you, too, because now I have to worry about what you're going to text to everyone. So four. This is Hank lashing out right now. Oh, big time lashing out.

He's about to get contentious. I don't like this. Oh, no. Yeah. Jake's nervous. So there was a text message thread that Caleb, our great colleague, Caleb, started six years ago at the Super Bowl. It was me, Caleb, Dave, Gazz, and Hank.

We were at the Super Bowl. I think it was probably after a late night of drinking. It was 3.23 in the morning. He texted everyone, goodnight, fam. I texted one love because I love you guys. And name the group. Name the group. Fam.

Flash. No text messages on that group chain for six years. Flash forward to last night. And Hank sends us a picture of just a sweaty face staring deep into our soul. His sweaty face. And it says F45 day one check mark. And we're all like, huh? And I actually didn't even, I looked and I was like, oh, this is weird.

And then I just kept on doing what I was doing. And then an hour later, Hank was like, whoops, I meant to send this to my family. And since then, yeah, it's pretty much the worst people you could ever send a text message to, me, Dave and Gaz. The internet has memed you and I'm uncomfortable with you in the room. I submitted an HR complaint because you snitch unsolicited because you're my boss now and you work on the third floor and the power structure, the power structure is so off that you send me.

There is no power. You sit on top of us. Yeah. You sent us. You sent me a picture that made me feel uncomfortable and then you tried to silence me by calling me a snitch. That's fucked up. It is a snitch.

I did because you turned him into HR. You know that on the streets when when I turn him into HR, I actually just went upstairs like, where's HR? And they like just pointed in the corner and I just said out loud, I'd like to file a complaint against Hank and then walk back downstairs. Hank does sit in the corner office upstairs. No, I said, I said with HR. So I took the complaint and just fucking see the power structure.

This is the power structure. This is corruption all the way down. So Hank, I'm uncomfortable being around you, but I guess I have to power through credit to me. I feel like you should be supporting. I don't know. Like again, no, I don't want that picture. Caleb, I blame I'd say 48% of the blame is on Caleb, 48% of the blame is on loud Sean

for spiking my phone, which forced me to get a new one, which when I turned it on, all the messages like repopulated, but only from Saturday night. Like it was like, that was the last time my cloud updated, which was no who cares. Like it was a day's worth of meaningless text messages, but this group text, the PMT group text, my friends from home and my family group text, like didn't show up and I was like, whatever, new, new phone, new phone blues. I texted this group literally just to make sure like things were going through. And then yeah, I worked out again, new phone.

So I was sweating and I didn't think the flash was on. Like I'm not used to my flash on my selfies, shocking picture. So I typed in fam because that's what my family group text is called. And I don't know. I'm again, I wasn't factoring in this fucking Super Bowl crew from six years ago, typed in. Whoa, you say that, like, that's your fam. It's not my family.

Yeah, it is not that that's fam was the first time I ever hung out with the company as a whole. I remember, you know what? That was probably post second slices at the house of prime rip house of prime rip. And you doubt that's your family or your fan was my family. And you just, I mean, I'm just, I don't know. The best was that Hank texts me after on either way, I went, I went back and texted. And when I realized that it was those three, I like pretty much he, I got paralyzed.

He said, yeah, he said, I realized it was guys like it. I said early, like if it was, it was maybe Caleb and big cat, like you probably would have posted it, but maybe wouldn't have or like, I could have talked to you out of it. Yeah. Probably wouldn't have just cause he wouldn't have known what was going on and like Caleb wouldn't have like, but the fact that it was all three of you just piling on was just, I knew it was, there's no shock. Hank sent me a text after he's like, I haven't felt like this in a really long time and it

just made me so happy because it's like this guy, he's been promoted to vice president of barstool sports. He's literally our boss executive vice president and he's still, but it's nice cause we can do like a throwback 2014. Hank embarrasses himself. You just, when you thought that the suit had gotten, you know, you graduated, I don't think it was anything to be embarrassed. So I thought you look good.

You looked like you were in shape. It was just such a weird picture. I'm scared. Like it wasn't like, I wasn't thinking, like when you take a selfie, sometimes you take a picture and I don't know, again, I don't know what I was thinking. I don't know what I was doing. I thought I was sending it to my flesh and blood. Yeah.

So that actually turning and sending it to literally. Would they have been as scared as I was? That was my biggest question out of the tank is because like, I understand how it's tears me playing paddle tennis. I understand how it's embarrassing. It's like, just, it's family shit. It's not like, and I don't, I don't really drop in that much. Like it's, I'm probably the least active and never do it again.

They're kind of like, you know, why don't you ever update us? And I'm like, I don't really have much update. I'm like, oh, I worked out. Like here we go. Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today, Saturday, April 2nd, 11, 20 PM in the city of New Orleans and coach Mike Shasiewski is dead. All right, Pete, coach dead. You had a hell of a run.

No one can take that away from you, but you're dead. So you're not listening to this right now. I want to take the high road if I could. Unlike Duke who didn't shake hands. Unlike Coach K's grandson, who would take the drunk road. Yeah. Oh, he won an award though. That wasn't rigged.

So I want to take the high road for a brief second and just say that. Tonight's basketball game was an incredible game. I we were lucky to see it in person. It's in class. It was an all time game. We're going to see it probably forever ever. I would actually imagine that this will be the most replayed game of coach Mike Shasiewski's career.

It might bring back ESPN classic as a, as a TV station just to play this. It was a great game. It was, it was fantastic. Uh, it was, you know, it was too heavy weights. They're separated by less than 10 miles North Carolina tobacco road. Wait, but they've met before. They've never played in the NCAA tournament. It was so big at, I don't know if you remember this, but a few weeks ago,

coach K's final night at Cameron indoor stadium, he played against UNC. Yep. I do remember and they, they shlacked him. Yep. I do remember that was bad and then, and then tonight UNC beat Duke again. He screamed at the kids. He screamed at the kids. It was, listen, it was a great game to watch credit to UNC.

They were all over the offensive boards all night long. They seemed to want it a little bit more. Coach K tried to work his magic with refs. Didn't work the better team tonight. One, I think we can all say that, but we can also say that we're going to, we're going to miss, we're going to miss coach K. He is, he's dead. He's deceased.

His legacy is tarnished forever. It can't get worse than what happened. Well, and you're right, you're right. It's over. It's, it's hard work pays off and dreams come true. Everyone who worked their ass off to make this possible, most notably the UNC basketball team, but everyone else who hates Duke and we gave them a voice. It happened.

We, the, the witch is dead. Ding dong. The witch is dead. I want to give you personally big cat a gold medal. Thank you. I appreciate that. And the hater Olympics. I, I, you are, you are the goat hater right now.

Tonight is your night to celebrate. I also do think though that tonight is Roy Williams night to celebrate for walking away at the right time, naming a worthy successor. Instead of taking a year where he had to have everybody go around and deep throat his cock and make love to him every single night. He did not do that. I, he picked a good coach to take over for him. And guess what?

I actually think that tonight's victory over Duke is the final feather in the cap for Roy Williams being a better head coach in the state of North Carolina than Mike Shashevsky was in the last 20 years. And it's the Roy Williams final cause it's Kansas first UNC. So I had two thoughts and we have Hank here. We're going to get to him in a second. I had two thoughts that are crazy thoughts, but both like, I actually gave some like, Oh, this could happen.

One was this morning when I woke up. I've been living in so much Duke and coach K hate. It's been consuming me for basically the entire month. And I thought to myself, do you think if I started a cereal type podcast and I did enough investigative journalism, I could make, I could get coach K in imprisoned for life. And I was like, that could actually happen. And then my second thought was there's like a 2% chance that UNC puts a

statue up with me in Chapel Hill. I'm not going to rule it out. I think, you know, I'm not going to be a total narcissist and say it's like definitely going to happen, but let's just say if I got a phone call in the next year and they're like, Hey, thank you for your service. Cause like I, I did like six tours in the last week. I'm like, hey, yes, I'm like coach K handing out. I was, I was getting in a fight with a Duke fan on the way out.

He was, he was going, he was going act like you've been here, show some class. And I was just doing the crying face to him. And I was like, Oh, your team lost. And it was, it was the, uh, childish. Oh, wait, wait, wait, Hank, Hank, we'll get to the second. Hank, we'll get to the second. Can I just say my guy, Henry Lockwood, and I've been with him for many, many years and many ups and downs.

This guy, Hank, he knows ball because in the first half, in the first half, he turned to me and he said, I love Caleb love. He's awesome. Okay. Can I, I'm going to say something nice about Hank, you know, you know, ball because I don't, I don't think Hank gets enough credit. If you go back, you look at the tape from 2015, it was Wisconsin Duke. Yeah.

Hank kind of swallowed his Duke pride. Yeah. And he lost, he defeated you graciously in that moment. I just want to give Hank credit for doing that, for doing all the right things. But at the same time, I also do want to laugh in every Duke fans face. There was, there was this one Duke fan that was sitting the row in front of us tonight, uh, and he flipped out after the loss was over and he tried to fight a UNC fan that was a row behind us.

It was the saddest fight that I've ever seen. He, he like halfway punched the guy in the stomach, not even like a full punch. And then like halfway, like kind of hit him like in the leg and then got up in his face and was like, I will fight you if you want to fight, I will fight you. And he was trying to fight him, but he knew because he's probably a lawyer that he could not throw the first real punch that could be construed as battery. It was great to see the, the Duke fans lose tonight. Although I do want to say like it was, it was an all time game.

Yeah, I mean, but that was, let's, I mean, it was an all time game. We can all agree with that. Sports are great. And it made it even better that coach Kay went out in his legacies, completely ruined and Duke players didn't shake hands. And, uh, this is what I'll remember about coach. Yeah. And yo, listen, everything he's done in his entire career has been wiped away.

No, there's nothing left. You want to talk about the all time jokes. I think tonight was an all time joke. Can I tell you something else that I might, I'm thinking about too. Oh, oh, oh, oh, we'll get to the whole game. Didn't say a word. It was quiet as a fucking mouse. I might do in a, in a, in a great plot twist.

If we're like going season two of this, I might, I might root for, I might root for John Shire to become a better coach than coach Kay. I might root for John Shire to have like, I might root for him to have six titles and to beat UNC in the tournament and like everything to be like John Shire is 10 in like never has moments like the Pete Godette never has like these terrible moments of coach Kay, just being a fucking asshole. It was just great. I think there's, oh wait.

Sorry. Wait, hold on. North Carolina has one up do for eternity and there is nothing John Ross, he just walked in. That was a capital E that he put on that. He put some stank on eternity too. Sorry. My phone was just playing videos.

My bad. I think that there's a good chance though that I, and I know what you're saying, but Kat, they would, it would be nice to have Shire take over and take the program to like an elite level and really, I, I want, I want Duke and Duke fans to achieve the greatness that they deserve. And I think that John Shire is the guy that can get them to that point. But I also think that there's a good chance that if they falter off the stretch, you might not have seen the last of coach Kay.

He might, he might come back. Well, Roy Williams might have to go to Duke and save the program. That would be nice. So let's, let's hear from Hank. I, let me just set the stage. Um, on the walk out, Hank was just, he kept on mumbling to himself. This couldn't be worse. This couldn't have gone worse.

He would like literally, he would start wandering away from me and I'd get back close to him and I'd just hear him being like, that couldn't have gone worse. That couldn't have gone worse. And now we've been sitting here getting ready to record and Hank gave me a look. Like, and I know you've seen this look PFT where he, like, he looked me dead in the eyes and it was just like, I'm going to say some mean shit to you. Like some shit that will like hurt your soul. He's going to start playing cats cradle in my face again, but let's don't do that.

Yeah. You're going to do that. No, I mean, like, you know, you could take a lesson from coach Kay, you know, the hair that's getting gray, a lot, a lot, a lot of pictures and videos. I'm not just saying, I was reviewing some of the tape from tonight and it's like, whoa, all right, who's this silver fox? By the way, uh, we did have the conversation before this game. What would it be to my legacy?

If coach Kay ended up winning the national championship, good thing. We don't have to answer that. My legacy has never been higher. People will, this will be the first line in my obituary. I killed coach Kay. I did. That war hero. I killed him.

Pretty much war hero. Sometimes the haters win. Yeah. Yeah. No, no, no, no, but this is like a time when the haters are the correct side of history. Yes. This is like if Ross Perot was president, but this is like, there's, there's, there's losses that are bad and there's losses that the ripple effect.

And it's like, trust me, I fucking know big cat. Oh yeah. He kept on saying that. He goes every time you're going to have this, he's going to have this over my head forever. And then as he would say that, another UNC fan would come up and be like, can we get a picture? And they'd be like, we did it. And I'm like, we did it.

So Hank, you know, ball dude, you said you're like, my eyes are on Caleb. Love, love, I bet heavily on him against UCLA. Caleb Presley, one of our good friends, one of my good friends. I was texting him a lot about Caleb love during the UCLA game. I was like, I love love. I bet on, I bet on him against Baylor, love, love, great player. I was, you know, and it was casual in the first half. We were like, just talking, just going back and forth.

I was like, Caleb love great player. I put it in the back of my head. I was like, Hank is probably one of the smartest basketball minds I've ever been around. And he was like, watch out for Caleb love. This guy's got big shot potential. Well, he just doesn't, he has no, he doesn't give a fuck. That's what I respect about him is he doesn't. The moment wasn't too big for him because he doesn't care.

He just wants to fucking shoot no matter what, what the circumstances are. He made it. Mark Williams. There was some, there was some, not, not to talk about the questionable foul calls. Yes, and I will say, I will say, I will say there was some questionable foul calls, but the real reason they lost was the Mark Williams shooting, missing those two free throws. Basically turned the game where I was like, they were going from a one

possession game to like a four point game where it's like, you got to play the foul game. You make those two free throws. Caleb love 75, 74, the balls on him to hit that shot. And they got with playing on like half a leg. Oh, dude, the guys, the guys on this guy, I'd be surprised if that was once again, if you are, if you, if you have a fucking injury time now, where like they call a wheelchair and an ambulance on the court, you should have to stick out for more than five seconds because he was back in the game.

He, they call, they call the ambulance and then he walked back in the game. One minute later, Hank shut up. Yeah. What was it? What went, I mean, for people who don't know, there was just one of those stupid internet rumors that John Cena died from COVID. That's got to piss you off a little bit. No, no, it doesn't.

Honestly, if anything, it just, when someone, see, it's weird that you can take a piece of information like that and say, stupid internet rumor. I wish, I wish more people would have a perspective to cross check and fact check and dive deeper for truthful information because there's so many things out there that might fall into the classification of stupid internet rumors, but when it's something as silly as, is that that we know isn't true now because I'm speaking to you in real time on this show, I think it's a nice exercise and to don't believe everything you read.

Was there a small part of you that wanted to just kind of go along with it for a day, just to get some of the tributes out there, just so you can see all the nice things people might say and then be like, a small part of me that wanted to end my existence, the answer to that and we're resounding. No, I love life and I want to, I want to have the gift as long as I possibly can. Not to end your existence, but to just kind of not say anything about the rumor being fake for a day. What, and where, where is the good in that?

I guess people would just be like, man, I love John Cena. He's such a great guy. Remember that time people would share anecdotes like I would have tweeted. Remember that time John Cena wanted to fuck my belly button. A man, I missed that guy. I know, I know you guys are trying to have some fun. I just, I just lost a really close friend two days ago. Oh, no, no, no, that's cool.

So when I say something like that and you take the smile off your face, loss is a really tough thing. And trust me, I'll joke about a lot of stuff, especially if you watch a peacemaker, I'll joke about a ton of stuff. But if you're trying to get headline grabs, I don't think, especially at this point, at any point, at any point, the fragile nature of human life is, is a headline to grab. So I know what you're trying to do.

I can't fault you for trying, but in taking a moment to reflect on the passing with a close friend of mine, man, I just, I see things from a completely different perspective. I just don't think that's the, that's the right avenue for me to go down. Um, John Cena just fucking threw us through the ring there. I tell you what, let's ask Rassillo all the questions that we get asked, but we'll just redirect them towards him. Who's the best interview interview you've ever had, Ryan?

Uh, you know, it's actually, I shared this on the podcast, but the Bill Russell interview that I did in the first year I was ever on the air was one of the coolest things I've ever done because I was nervous as shit. I couldn't believe we only got him because we were promoting some other thing that his, his handler was doing. So it was rare. He never did anything. Right.

And so really nervous. I'm doing a morning show with a couple of other guys in their twenties. We barely have any hours under our belts doing this radio show. And somehow we end up with him in the interview, which was crazy to begin with. And as soon as the host introduced him, he stopped us and interrupted us and we're like, fuck, like this is going to suck. He's going to be like, who are these idiots? He's going to be Korean and he goes, if you're going to introduce me, uh,

instead of Hall of Famer, an 11 time champion, I would appreciate it. If you introduced me in black on now as captain of the Boston Celtics. Oh, and I was like, Oh, hell yes. Yeah. So that one's always, cause it was so early and it was a big deal. And I thought you were going to say Brandon Marshall. Well, the other one, I'm probably most proud of that Brandon Marshall interview. For those that don't know, we were pitched Brandon Marshall, the receiver.

It was confirmed by everybody. We were good to go. Uh, I opened up the zoom and I'm like, that's not Brandon Marshall. And, but it was, but it wasn't, and I'm immediately like double checking an email and I'm going, what the fuck are you going to do right now? Who is this? And I'm like, what's up, man? And he's like, Hey, how's it going?

And I was like, all right, cool. And I'm like, I can't go in the zoom chat and I'm trying to like message Saruti being like, or Kyle, I think it was just Kyle at that point. And I was like, what? And so as a first question, you can go back. It's to be left it up because I was like, fuck it. I was like, what's up, man? What are you been doing?

Like hoping to find some sort of common ground with his answer of what he's been doing, except trying to like, why would I have a different Brandon Marshall that he would think he's like, Hey, I'm doing one of these sports podcasts tomorrow. Like, why does he think this is okay? Right. If this isn't like something's going on. And then I actually did remember. I'm like, Oh, I think he's that Denver guy.

I kind of like their line back. I like their linebackers at you, but I still, I mean, you guys know how this is. Like, if you let your head get fucked with in the process, you can make it way worse. Oh yeah. So now I'm like, you may think it's the Broncos linebacker, but now you're so screwed up because you can't believe that somebody confirmed this. And then as he was answering, I'm checking the email and I was like, no,

it's actually the receivers confirmed on the email from the person. So by the third question, I finally like pieced it together and then Kyle was like, what do you want to do with that interview? And I go, leave it up and then we'll tell everybody what happened. Yeah, it was great. I was actually proud of my yes. Yeah. Yes.

I'm going to give you a hypothetical situation for the playoffs. Okay. You ready for this? I'm ready. You're down eight. It's fourth and goal from the eight. There's two minutes left and you have all three timeouts. You're going to need to stop either way.

Do you go for it? Or do you kick a field goal and make a two possession game, a two possession game? I'll tell you what, you would go there. Big cat. What? That's a hypothetical. Yeah.

I don't know. Did that happen to you? Oh, I don't know. Maybe. I mean, uh, here's another brainbuster for you. Uh, three times three, less or more than eight. Excuse me. Three times three less or more than eight.

So that's what you're trying to do. You're trying to kick three field goals in the last two minutes of the game. No, that was smart. Okay. Now I got it. Okay. I got you, man. I never come to this show again.

Never have to get in the end zone. We keep three field goals. Okay. Then the last one I had here, uh, hypothetically fourth down at the eight yard line, there's two minutes, nine seconds left. You're down eight. You kick a field goal there. Just take the points.

Yeah. Just take the points. Take the points. Yeah. What was the line? Uh, I think it was three. Yeah, it didn't help us. Oh, yeah.

You guys, you guys heard us in the points. Yeah. Yeah. So every time we talked to your coach, the floor, um, we give him a hard time about that and he's put all of it on you. He's like Aaron wanted to, you know, kick a field goal. He wanted to get off the field. He didn't trust his arm.

He was late. That situation was late for a flight to go hang out at Miles Teller in the jungle. Yeah. So it was, he wanted to get out of there. We're like, all right, fine. It's credit to him. He's never said it publicly.

I think maybe he was thinking if I get three now, then we stop them, get three again, get on side kick and then another three. Yeah. 32 and 31. Yeah. Yeah. Championship. We ask every head coach that gets their first head coaching job, the same

question, just to kind of like gauge where they're at. If they're an aggressive guy, if they're a conservative guy, whatever the case may be. So if it's a hypothetical, like fourth quarter, fourth quarter, playoff game, playoff game, and you're down by eight points, eight points and you have the ball on the eight yards, fourth and goal, fourth and goal from the second eight and third and eight and fourth and eight. Incompletions.

Move the ball downfield though, to the eight yard line. Who potentially could be the quarterback? One of the best quarterbacks of all time. I got you through three interceptions today. Hypothetically. One of the best quarterbacks of all time. So do you kick a field goal? And then you would give the other ball, you would give the ball away to the best

quarterback of all time. Okay. So good to do there. Golly, I'm glad I haven't been in that situation. Yeah. I wouldn't, I mean, you know, I wouldn't want to have to make that decision. Cause we were, we talked a little for last week and he was like, that was all hack it.

So he said that you're the one who said, kick the field goal. We'll kick three field goals and we'll win this game. I'll let you know, I blacked out. I didn't even know it was happening. You know, I, I'm pretty sure I fainted during that process. I freaked out and I had no clue what was going on. And, uh, uh, it was, you know, I, oh, are you talking about the. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, I'm just trying to get this right in the head.

Yeah. You know, I think I'd have to run it through the computers. I'm a nerd and I'd want to go through the statistics on everything and make sure that you made the appropriate decision. I can distill it down real quick. Okay. Um, what's more, three or eight? Take your time.

You're failed doctor. Eight points. Yeah. Eight points. He got it. Okay. So you're aggressive. I like that.

Smart guy. Eight points is good. Yes. I hear that the Steelers, I mean, we're friends with Kenny and Mitch. So fuck the Steelers. Kenny and Mitch can suck my dick and balls, but they're, they're right in the middle, right in the middle and fucking right. Yeah, yeah, yeah, Kenny and Mitch, I think we'll just give you a solid like quality

start six and three year run. I think you got to take them both at the same time. So in this situation, you have to be like, it's Kenny and Mitch double teaming. Kenny and Mitch double teaming. Okay. Between them, they could satisfy one woman. I can see that. Tag each other in.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Let's go. I'm getting tired.

Mitch has the pussy wide open. He just throws it to the left. He puts his dick on her thigh. That hurts. That hurts. I'm not going to laugh at that one. That hurts. She's got her mouth open, waiting for the cum shot.

It just goes behind her. I was open. I was open, Mitch. You're going to hit me right in the tonsils. It slipped out of my cock. What can I say? All right. So that's AMC North.

I think that went well. Tua doesn't know how to flop. They're bottom of the barrel as far as I'm concerned. Tua just got married to his, I think, his college sweetheart. Which is weird, like this far outside of college. That just tells me that he's thinking like, yeah, you know what, college was the best time. Yeah.

Oh, no, you're so right. That shit was awesome. Oh, sell your fucking Tua stock. He's like, I wanted to play the field of mind. It's Miami. Like, he went to Miami and then he's like, you know what? This girl I met in Alabama, I think that's about as good as fuck wise.

That's the fucking that's the nail in the coffin. He'll be out of league in two years. Because if he married her right after, it'd be like, all right, that makes sense. Of course. To wait divorce coming. Yeah. And then, yeah, Mike McDonald's.

He does seem to me like he would like the he would basically just be sitting on a couch so high and the girl would be like, Hey, you want to do something? He's like, no, I'm watching Netflix right now. And then the next thing you know, he's falling asleep next to his bong and you're like, all right. He's like, there's some interesting stuff going on about 9 11. I don't know if you've heard about it.

I'm taking the I'm taking out the vibrator. I'm going to see him getting domed out though. Like he's wearing a mask and just like chained up against the wall. He's getting wet not ever fucking, but just the guy that have you ever seen the videos of the dudes that just get like need in the balls? Sure.

Sure. That's kind of like what I picture him. Just get stepped on. I could. But I think he's more go with the flow though. You know, like, you know, I could. I think there's other subs in the NFL. Okay.

Like more, you know, more specific subs. Yeah. You know, all right. AFC South. South. I love Davis Mills. We're Davis Mills guys. Okay.

His long ass neck. Long neck is a good sign. Yeah. A lot of put in there. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Trevor Lawrence. I don't think. No, there's something wrong. Yeah. Something's off there. Doug Peterson. He fucks with the visor on. Yes.

Yeah. Sure. And he's he's got Doug Peterson is probably the top of my list for swingers. Yeah. He definitely seems like absolutely leave the garage door crack open. Yeah.

Come on in. I got a hot tub. Yep. The whole fucking towns. The whole like my wife's. I saw you look at my wife's tickets. Yeah. Yeah.

Right. Give him a squeeze. Give him a squeeze. The whole cul-de-sac is coming to Doug Peterson's house to get sucked and fucked with that question. With that question. He's got like seven different blenders in each room. Yeah.

Make it like here's my this is my tie room. Yeah. Yes. We're good. He's got themed fuck rooms for sure. Cuz it's those guys that like you see them at like the whenever like the hedonism guys and the guys that go on these resorts where they're not in like great shape but they were

at one point they were. Yeah. And you can kind of tell they got that confidence like I want a Super Bowl like I'll fuck all these chicks in front of my wife 100% and I'll have her get fucked too. And then with a smile on my face. Yeah. Be happy.

Happily married for kids. Who cares. That's probably why he kept starting Nick Foles. He was like this dude fucks. Yeah. Yeah. I got to reward him. Yeah.

Yeah. My wife. Exactly. Yeah. His wife's picking up the kids from soccer practice was just full of Nick Foles juice. We're never going to get an interview with Matt after this. And then Matt Ryan.

Yeah. Matt Ryan is Matt Ryan's Matt Ryan's Matt Ryan's like he's he's really good at missionary. Yeah. Yeah. Like he likes it. No. He's the guy.

It was actually what you're talking about with solid words like he fucks his wife well. Yeah. That's what we'll say about Matt Ryan. Yeah. But he sees another. He sees a color nipple that he's not familiar with. He'll freak out.

Yeah. His wife's nipples are hot pink and he sees a dark brown. He doesn't know what to do. Yeah. Yeah. He goes with WebMD. Yeah. Yeah.

He's been doing the same thing for a long time. He does it well. Any solid. Yeah. Next question. This is crazy. This is crazy. Next question.

Blake Griffin. Complete the lyric. Jealousy. Turning saints into the sea. Swimming through sick lullabies. Choking on your alibis. But it's just the. Christ.

I. And it's just a price. That day. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Calling me.

Counting on my ears. Yes. I bet it. Yes. You nailed it. All right. Blake Bortles. Blake Bortles.

Your chance to respond. Complete this Drake lyric. You got to be. Nice for what. To these. That. Like a whole verse. And I get three words.

Complete the lyric. Blake. Okay. That was a joke. That was a joke. I won't make you say that one. We're tied to two still. No, no, it's three two.

No, no, no. Blake's whole thing was set up to get Blake. All right. So it's three three three three three three three. I'm going to give, you know what? We're going to give Blake Bortles credit for the correct answer. Yeah. Because you could see he knew.

Yeah. But he knew. He didn't want to act like he knew. Yeah. But you knew. Because I guess it raises snow. I don't know. Yeah.

So three three. So we're going to go to a tiebreaker here. Wow. Blake Bortles name every team that Blake Griffin has played for in the NBA. Hmm. Can I get a total? Yeah, give him a total.

Yeah, sure. Three total number. Yeah. Yeah. Three three three Clippers. Yeah. Nets. Yep.

He's trying to forget this as well. So it's fine. This was a one year stint. The one I'm missing. I was like, no, no, no, multiple, multiple years. Yeah. Do I answer these? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

I don't answer them. And um. You got it. Is there a time limit? No, yes, literally forever. We did the ping pong balls last year. So. Half under pace.

Um. I'm struggling. I don't know. I'm going to guess and say the sons. Good guess. You give off sons energy. Yeah. It's, it's the Pistons.

It's the Pistons. Thanks. Yeah. Blake, I'm sorry. I knew that. Yeah. Detroit Pistons. Sorry, buddy.

Yeah. No way. No. I mean, Blake might be on the sons. He might be part of that KD trade package. Yeah. Yeah, that's true. You never know.

I think we should give him a point for each one. Yeah. So it's five to three Blake Bortles. Well, here's, here's what we'll do because because what I'll say is that Blake Bortles career, he's played for twice as many teams as you have Blake Griffin. So we can just, we can just reduce the fraction to say that you can tie Blake on this answer.

If you get four of the six teams that Blake Bortles has played for. And if you get all of them or five out of six, you're the winner. Five out of six. I win. Yeah. Okay. So we got five teams. What'd you say?

Teams. He's only played for five teams. Oh yeah. You played for one of them twice. Okay. All right. So five teams. I know that one.

That was a test. So we got, we got Jacksonville. Yup. We got the LA Rams twice. Yup. We got the Green Bay Packers. This was right around the time we were doing Blake's the year last year. Yup.

And well, I mean, PFT kind of gave us away Saints. Yup. And I believe we had a stint in. I'll give you a hint. He gave everyone, you can't, no, no, it's a hint. He gave everyone COVID. Denver. Can you elaborate on why Canadians prefer missionary while Americans gravitate

towards doggy? Is that true? Yeah. I don't know. I was the other way around so you can both watch hockey. Well, I like missionary just because I like kissing. I like doing the French kissing while I'm barring my smoocher, barring my forsy deep inside. You smoocher.

Is this how the TNT show goes usually? No, we don't talk about it. Yeah. Sometimes you throw in a few dick jokes. I like to make out and kiss while I'm doing it. Yeah. I don't mind doggy. I just know it's good.

I switch it around. You're a passionate man. Those are, those are my two go to dog. The eye contact. You're like, you're like Leo and Rose on the Titanic. Yeah. You just like to stare at each other. Yeah.

I'm making out and staring into their eyes and making sure that everything's good. Everything good? Yeah. Does this work? It's cute. Are you happy? Can you feel anything down there? No.

Okay. All right. Let me use my finger. Um, but yeah, no, I'm, uh, but who gave you that poll? I mean, that might be a made up thing. I mean, and you're also going to stick with it in America. Like it's been probably a decade since I haven't done it doggy style inside these borders.

I usually like the doggy style passport. That means we're flipping over. I like the doggy style when you got your foot on their face, you know, where you kind of go around. What? It was a fucking joke. Big cat on their face. Hey guys, guys, summer beach question for you.

When is the time? All right. No, let's talk to Jake about, about what he likes better. Are you a, are you here? Let's pass the mic over. Are you, you went to college pretty close to Canada. Are you from that? Jake, are you an anal guy?

I'm not. Have you ever, have you ever, have you ever licked a girl's asshole? Have you ever sucked the fart out of a girl's ass? You've never licked a cornhole. No, no leather Cheerios. I'm not a big, I'm not a big anal guy. You know, Jake's a, Jake's a Panthers fan. You are?

It's my hometown team. I could have been better this season, but I'm going to be better these next few weeks. I wish I'm glad. I wish these guys came better prepared. What did you make of the Kodak black incident in the box? When he was grinding his cock and I think he's an anal guy. Oh yeah.

You think those things happen at bad teams games, but the Panthers, they're good. Well, it takes a while for them to like, they're good, but you're not like, they're a good franchise. Right. Good season. Yeah. Right.

Like the Reds thing we talked about earlier. They have to have a few seasons in the consciousness to be like, that's a good franchise. Yeah. Jake, what a few, like, what if you met the girl of your dreams and she wanted to do a stand up 69, but she was holding you and you're like, you were off the ground. Would you be cool with that?

I don't know. Yes. Yes. I'll answer for Jake. Yes. Yes. Good question though. Biz was Kodak black actually having sex with that girl.

I never did. I think he was getting an over the pant rub where. Yeah. Just, just a grind. So there's no super grandma. So yeah. So when you're in the American Hockey League, you're not making that show dough and we used to sometimes go to the strip clubs.

I would not do this, but I would have teammates who would, they would go to the bathroom at the strip club. They would take their underwear off, put their dress pants back on and then they would get lap dances because when you're getting that rub, they would be able to come just. So they would come out with. That's the funniest old hockey trick I've ever heard. And then they would go back and have come pants though.

They would have come in there, but they would go back and they would put their boxers on and then they would, they, you know, they wouldn't be feeling the, the wetness of the come on their dress pants. Yeah. But then the guys were sad hockey trick. Total savages one of which ended up, well, I guess we won't go with it because we had to take it off the podcast because you got a little bit of trouble.

We said for our birthdays, we'll buy more expensive gifts every year and we'll until we get to a million dollars. And so then I'm like, I'm like looking at my time at Tom's 42. I'm 49. I got to, I got to speed this up. You know, it started with an e-bike. I got him an e-bike, which is like three grand. And it was like, wow, this is awesome.

And he was like, you give way better gifts than my wife. You know, he's like, my wife gave me a fucking wallet. He's like, who the fuck? Once I got really upset about that. And I think she got him like a nice wallet. He's like, what a shitty guy. So we do gay birthdays. So we do our gay guys by the best presidents ever, right?

So one year, Tom bought me like a $3,000 electric bike that goes 40 miles an hour. Oh, those things are sick. They're awesome. Yes. And they're even better. They're motorcycles. They're even better at 2 a.m.

When you're drunk and no one's out, right? I got him this e-bike and then he was like, I'm going to step it up. I'm going to get you something that's more expensive and we'll top each other. And so it's been topping. It was like, he got me a jet ski. So I buy him the next year he had moved to Austin. I bought him a $15,000 wave runner that goes 70 miles an hour. Right.

So he's like, nice. So then this year. Does he use it? Every fucking day. Tom's a speed freak. Okay. So he gets on glass and just he uses it so much. He bought a second one.

I got him charter flights in and out of Austin. This year he calls me up. I'm stressed. We got the movie coming out or we're wrapping the movie. I'm doing screenings in like sugar land, Los Angeles. I'm doing shows. I'm on tour and I'm stressed out Tom knows and I'm doing two bears in Austin and he knows I'm stressed out and he calls me up.

He goes, happy birthday. Don't worry about next week. It was like my busiest week and I go, what? And he goes, don't worry about it. I got you after you show him in theapolis. I got a private jet. It's going to pick you up. It's going to take you to Austin.

We're going to do two, two bears and private jet is going to take you to sugar land and it's going to drop you off to go to the screening of the movie. Then it's going to take you back to LA. So you can see the girls and do your voice over and then the private jet is going to fly you back out on the road. And I was like, for real? He was like, yeah. And he goes, and it's not one of the tiny ones.

It's the fucking G five. It's like the fucking big one. It's like $70,000. I'm like, all I thought was mother fucker. I got to spend $100,000 on this guy next year. He got me a fucking race car with a trailer. Right. You can't drive it on the street.

Yeah. And so now it's it's about and that was a substantial purchase. Yeah. Yeah. So I said to him, he's really into cars and racing. And I said, let's start two bears racing. I'll buy you a race car for your birthday. And he's like, are you being serious?

And I said, yeah. And he goes, no, you don't mess around with me. This is like my dream. And I was like, done. So I bought a $56,000 race car. We're doing endurance races, BMW endurance races. Hell yeah. So how are you going to step it up to him?

I have something planned. I cannot give away. Now, what's the expectation on your part for him to come back at you next year? What's the what's the ground floor for the price level? I mean, I'm assuming we're just going to double up. I'm thinking $200,000. Yeah.

I don't know. I kind of want like a ranch house in Montana. But I have I have a pretty substantial gift idea. So this sounds like something that we do on this show a lot, which is we get really into things. Yeah. And our own like weird ideas and traditions and customs that we have here until it goes to a place too far.

And we all have to agree that we have to stop doing it entirely. I think we're we're about there with the gift giving. Well, I was going to say, what year do you think one of you is going to the moon? Get get us the dates for next year. I want we'll we'll build an entire grit week around it. We don't care. I love that.

It's I mean. Oh, yes. Yeah, we'll do it all. We want to do it all. So it didn't work out this year. But yeah, we're in we're in. So let's get ahead of it and then we'll just block off the whole week and be like, fuck it.

We're going to come to Nashville and we're going to get fucked up. Don't build. You can't listen to that part. Billy's not allowed to drink on the road. Not now, but maybe for tight end you. I'm starting to think one night. I'm going to you know, and I'm going to give him lights a sponsor. Yeah, I'm going to give him an emoji.

I'm giving him an emoji, but he fucked up the man in question. Yeah, but I'm giving him an emoji just because he's down on himself for that. And that's showing like he cares. He's down on himself because he thinks you get drunk. Yeah. Billy, can you stand in front of the. Oh, there he is.

Why doesn't it see that's worth an emoji? He knows how to listen if Billy could do 275 right right now one time in front of you guys. He'll get an emoji. Done. Okay, that's easy. All right, easy. Easy.

He says that's easy. One. Let me see his body. Let's see his body in front of the camera. Show your body. He doesn't have pockets on his pants. Take your shirt off. Take your shirt off for this.

He wants to see your shirt. They want to see your body. Can you take your shirt off? I want to make I want to make a bet, but I got to take a look at what he looks like. He's he's he's done it before, but this is a little more pressure because you guys are watching. I'm starting to tell him to take his shirt off.

Take your shirt off. George wants you to take your shirt off. All right. Oh, you're they said they're you're disinvited if you don't take the shirt off. What really take your shirt off. How much weight did you just set that time out? How much weight is on there?

275. What kind of what kind of what are those weights? What are those plates? Wait, are you really not going to take your shirt off? You're a rookie. Yeah, wait, they are saying that you're not invited if you don't take a shirt off. I'm they take your shirt off.

He's George saying he's got to take a shirt off. All right. Thank you. There it is. All right. Look, I'm starting. I'm showing I want a can you ask him why 275 is not 100? Knocking everything over.

It's like a fucking chaos earthquake. I'm starting my notes app right now. The Billy T.E.U. What emotes here are you going to use? I what do we use? I think maybe the just the arm the strength. Yeah, arm. I think it's got to be the bicep.

This is incredible. All right. Wide grip. He's got a wide grip. He got it. He got it. Way to go. Arm.

The guy did it. You just pop a peck. I'm giving him. Look, I just gave him one strength. Look at that Billy. I think you have to have 15 emojis on me and PFT's phone individually. You just pop a peck.

We want you to earn it. Yeah, we want you to earn it. You know how much more you're going to enjoy this? If you earn it. Big cat. Yeah. Ask him if he just popped his peck. Did you just pop your peck?

No, he's fine. He's crying about it. He's got like a little sore shoulder. This happens every day. Yeah, he'll be fine. He's probably he's like big Ben. He just like he every every injury like oh this hurts. I don't like the way he's holding his shoulder.

He's fine. Trust me. I've seen this a million times. That would be so funny if you guys have so many plates on for $275. What kind of plates are those? These are these are bumpers. $45, $25, $35, $10.

That's the most ridiculous way to get to $275 I've ever. Yeah, we don't have enough $45. That's all the weights that we have. Yeah, so. So we were doing Max Tuesdays, but then we ran out of weights. And so it's just kind of like I guess we just Max. I guess we benched all the weight in the world. Yeah.

You can't get any stronger. Thank God you don't have more. This guy's peck would shred off. He's hurt. He's hurt. He's fine. Oh, I'm going to call it right now. He's hurt.

I can see it in his eyes. He's hurt. Not he's saying he had no warm-up. So he's hurt. I've seen guys get hurt before. He his face looks hurt. No, he's playing tough. But yeah, I think he's hurt.

He's got resting hurt. He's hurt. Yeah, I'm going to actually give him. You know what? Because he's hurt. I'm going to give him the hospital emoji too. So he's got two on my too. Good job, Billy.

So before you got into this room, we were actually having a discussion. We wanted to make you feel comfortable in the studio. You know, you're just starting to podcast. We want you to be cool. We want you to be yourself. Would you be more comfortable if we were all shirtless as well? Or would you like to be the only shirtless?

This is the greatest way I've ever started a podcast in the history of fucking podcasts. Not only would it make me more comfortable, but it makes you guys more primals, right? Because most people are born. It definitely doesn't make me more comfortable. It makes you more primal, though. I don't even think that's true either.

It just makes me be like, all right, cool. Everyone's going to be like, hey, look how fat this guy is. And I'm just like, all right. And I also like, you know, don't you want me to be me? Should I be me or should I be you? What you don't understand is you being primal is your truest, most authentic self. Before we started wearing-

Primal me has a shirt on. Listen, before we started wearing shirts, right? The truest expression of who we are, bare-chested, is fucking, how were you born? With a shirt or without? Oh, I think I had a shirt on, yeah. The way that you were born is how you should rock it. Okay, all the times?

I had a chain on. I was wearing a necklace when I came out. What about, all right, so I would assume the primal part and Billy has a lot of questions. So the primal part- Off with the shirts. Who's taking the fucking- Yes, Billy fucking football.

All right. Yes. Yeah, I'll take it off. I didn't think like just you walking in here with our shirts off. It was just weird. We're making history. I mean, it's not history.

We've taken our shirts off many times. No, this is the first podcast ever done shirtless by guys. All right. Hey, so- I guarantee you that the viewership's going through the roof right now. Definitely not. So the primal thing, is that no deodorant?

Hell, no deodorant. Yeah, I know. I noticed the musk. The musk is strong. And it's a strong musk. Yeah, this is how a man is supposed to fucking smell. If everybody stopped wearing deodorant and perfumes, right, the new normal would be this fucking musk, right,

would be melted tar. Pheromones, right? So you're just, you're talking about France. Like that's not, yeah, I don't know if we want to be France. But yeah, okay. So no, no, no deodorant stuff. I agree on the France thing, right? But like those people are detoxing, right?

The way the fucking badass American lives, right? You go fucking chop wood. You go do hard fucking work, multiple workouts a day. The way that we eat, the way that we sleep, the way that we are fucking attitude, there's a different smell to that. There's a different smell. And pheromones is exactly what I'm talking about.

If everybody's living a life like this, you get an attractive woman in here, right? She's gonna try to fuck us? You, you, you, you close, she's gonna close her eyes. She's gonna pick that fucking American. Yeah. Because he smells like this. I like that.

Actually, people will probably accuse you of paying us to call on this podcast. We, for the record, wanted you on. But yeah, there's like a whole handful of cash. Yeah, there's a whole industry of like people paying to, to appear on other people's podcast. Yeah, this is ridiculous. All these ridiculous accusations.

People say I take PEDs. People say I have ab implants. You wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Can we be honest? Like you, you definitely take PEDs. You know what? Fuck it. I'm going to be on for the, I'll be honest.

Here we go. I take PEDs. Yeah. I prioritize, execute, and dominate every, every, every fucking morning, every morning. But I take PEDs. I pray every day. So we both fucking take PEDs.

Here we go. The whole world should take PEDs. I take PEDs. I'm on Winstraw. Don't know, but hold on about that. But, but, but people say the same thing. I got ab implants, right? Or ab etching.

I got her. You can get ab implants. That's definitely what Hanks, Hanks gotta get his six back. I'll pay for Hanks surgery. Our other producer, who's not here right now, because he's now a suit and he hates his life. He's actually the true beta. Like when you say the nine to five guy who goes and hates his life,

that's who you're talking about, Hank. He's convinced he can get a six pack. I think I'm going to pay for his ab implants. I'm looking at ab implants right now. They look, they look pretty good. I might have to get it. Wait. The third image result on ab implants is you.

This is good. I love it. I love it, right? And then after that, it was, hey, he has her implants, right? Let's see it. Let's see there. Because when I first went on social media, I was always wearing a hat, right? And then sometimes I don't wear a hat and people are like, hey, you know,

you were bald because you're taking PEDs. And then you got hair. So the accusations will always come. I want to set the record straight. In 2018, I went to Singapore and I got gene editing done. But I modified my myostatin gene, right? And this is actually the truth. I was the first human to ever do it.

It's always been. Wait, what? Wait, are you serious? This is how these funny accusations. Oh, wait, are you serious or no? I'm completely fucking right, guys. Because what you did there is you made a joke, but we don't know what you're talking about, except Billy.

Like when you said that, I was like, what does that mean? And Billy was excited. This is CRISPR, right? Yeah. And so again, the ancestral tenant right now is have a little fucking fun. Yeah. Right. Let these accusations fly.

You know what? You gave me a hundred K. I gave you a hundred K. Yeah, right. You did. You know, and then hopefully you pay for the ab implants for Hank. That's right. When Hank has a six-pack, it's like a liver King did that.

The song, the the Dunder Mifflin, the people, the people, persons, paper, people, that is a jam. That's like, have you thought about taking me? Yeah. Can you sing it? Just go. I'm stuck. This friendly face is around the block.

Break loose from them chains that cause in your pain. Come Michael Stanley, Jim DeWine and Cree. Call Andy and Kelly for your business paper. He's called the Dunder Mifflin, people, persons, paper, people. Yeah. I think that have you ever like considered just changing the words to it not being about a fictional paper company and just making into a hit? I'm not.

I think it's good enough. Wow. It's so smooth. Yeah. I agree with that. I want to just keep it like it is. Yeah, I guess. This is me trying to like, like organize a whole like people want the office to

reunite because they want to go back in time to feel the way that they felt about at the same time they first watched it. That's what I'm doing with that song right now. I want to go back and listen to it again for the first time. Do you have your acts here? I do have a guitar down here. Yeah. Oh, is it is it acoustic?

Acoustic. Bust it out, man. Do a little song. There you go. So why not? What do you want to sing? Purple Rain. Oh, you went great to like expert mode there.

What do you want to do? Oh, one of the best songs from the best artist of all time. Real quick. Why not? Why not put it on them there? Who would you say are your favorite artists of all time? Wow, man. It's deep.

Good deep. Michael Jackson. Yeah. Michael Jackson. Prince. James Brown. Marvin. Hey.

That's a good that's pretty good fucking less. What are you searching how to play it? No, what key do you want to play? Let's go be flat. Be flat. Okay. Have you ever played Purple Rain? I have a long time ago.

Do you need the lyrics? Mm-mm. I see you laughing in the purple rain. Purple rain, purple rain. Oh, purple rain, purple rain. Purple rain, purple rain. I only want to see you, baby, in the purple rain. That's beautiful.

Yes. That's beautiful. I mean, that was off the top. That's fucking sick. That was thanks, bro. Thanks. Nice skills there. I heard a little funk.

I mean, you picked it and be flat, which is tough to do, and make it sound nice and open. You know, it couldn't play the open chords on there. It was a little high for me too. I was like. I mean, that was fucking awesome. You do have a smooth voice. You have a gift.

Yeah. Appreciate it. Get it from my mom. Do you have something for our good boy, William Football? Yeah, I do. I just, you know, I'm an AWL. We established that. And I just, I'd like to jot notes down about Billy

throughout the year. And when I come on, I like to just, well, I just wrote them down. Yes, I would love to hear it. Okay. This is a poem for Billy. Billy, Billy, Billy. This is a ditty for the man who seems to have it all made.

Billy, Billy, Billy. Even though he didn't grow hair in his pubis until the 11th grade. Billy, Billy, Billy. We yearn for your knowledge and how wide it does span. Billy, Billy, Billy. Like Wednesday, when you referred to the country of Russia as one giant clam jam. Billy, Billy, Billy. Yes, some of your takes are, shall we say strange.

But Billy, Billy, Billy, at least unlike Hank, you seem to believe in the clam jam. Billy, Billy, Billy. Billy, sometimes when you speak, we all turn to our radios and we shout, Billy, Billy, Billy, shh, we can't hear you, your internet's going out. Billy, Billy, Billy, who are you exactly? We only have a few hints, Billy, Billy, Billy, we know you have a hedgehog and live with a man, Ben Mint. Billy, Billy, Billy, as a man you are near perfect, nothing with you is broken.

Billy, Billy, Billy, but God, do we wish we had video of you getting dunked on in Hoboken? Billy, Billy, Billy, we all need your wisdom, so give him a raise for God's sake. But Billy, Billy, Billy, we all know you're just going to get a coupon to pardon my cheesesteak. Billy, Billy, Billy, we love you, Billy, and we love you with this crew. Billy, Billy, Billy, never ever lose that dog in you. This is a poem for Hank. Henry, Henry, Henry, to the man behind the men who seems to have no fear. Henry, Henry, Henry, no matter what you do or say, the Patriots are strictly middle-tier.

Henry, Henry, Henry, shout out to Coach Belichick, who like you is pretty tightly wound. Henry, Henry, Henry, maybe he should stop hiring his children and running that franchise into the ground. Henry, Henry, Henry, the Tom Giselle split must be hard for you to cover. Henry, Henry, Henry, maybe they'd still be together if your boy was a more attentive lover. Henry, Henry, Henry, we love to hear your takes and your comebacks that are sick. Henry, Henry, Henry, like motherfucker never smelled a football field, never did shit but eat a dick. Henry, Henry, Henry, we love your addition to the team and you always seem so stable. And Henry, Henry, Henry, in no way did you ever, ever puke at a blackjacket table.

Henry, Henry, Henry, always bringing wisdom and never sounding dumb. Henry, Henry, Henry, even if you can't pronounce the word interim. Say it, Henry. Interim, interim. Sorry? Interim. Interim. I'm sorry?

Interim. Interim. Interim. Interim. Interim. Interim. Yeah. Interim.

Henry, Henry, Henry, you get to the point, you're concise and you are always frank. And Henry, Henry, Henry, for that we will always be Team Hank. We love you. There you go. That was beautiful. Love you, BFB. Wow. And Jerry, you didn't say anything about him not getting the lottery ball machine.

That's what I was waiting for. I'm not going to lie. I thought I was just going to be about that. That's weird. Now, you know, talking about Pulp Fiction, One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest, Twins, all these movies that are classics, and now people probably just yell Rum Ham at you when you're walking down the street. Oh, yeah.

Absolutely. Rum Ham. Yeah, if you had a moment where you're like, oh, well, this is what I'm at, this is what I am now. Yeah. I become, well, it's like kind of cool though, you know what I mean, like with the whole, the whole thing where you go, people transfer, like when Louis, when I did Taxi, you know, the next day, it was like, anywhere you went, it was Louis, hey, Louis, hey, Louis, Louis,

and they'd play the song when I come in, and they'll all think Louis, Louis, you know, that whole thing. And then now with, with, it's always sunny, Frank has become like, you know, it's a strong and the Ham has been big. It's classic. Oh, yeah. People have tattoos in their hands. Yeah.

So, yeah, it's like really great. Is that weird for you, Lucy? Like your dad, you know, obviously all growing up, he's an actor, and then he gets this part that becomes like, we're, we're the same age and like, it's our age demo, just loves this show and now loves your dad in a totally different way. No, I mean, it's, it's, it's awesome. I think it's really cool, you know, that he's able to like, I don't know, I have friends who see, sunny is one of those shows that like, I've seen, I see it, I've seen, and

but I don't know the episodes back and forwards, like some people do. And I, you know, I love it that people, you know, know my dad in that way, you know, it's really funny and, and awesome. And, you know, I think it's, I don't know. I think it's cool. It's a totally like different second act of your entire career. And it's, I mean, always sunny is, I think if you pull everyone in this office, it's a top five show for everyone.

Yeah. We've done enough of them. We're going to do more. We're going back. Yeah. We're going to go in. You know, the guys are great to work with, you know, and they, they do a, they actually have a podcast, by the way.

Oh, yeah. They've been doing. They've been doing it. But the whole idea is that we're going to go back, I think, in January for season. Could it be 16s? Yeah. Wow. Something like that, man.

But we have a good time doing it. And you just say like, look, and I do almost anything, basically, you know, it's written that we talk about it and everything, like, do I'm not going to come out of a couch naked or am I going to, am I going to jump flat, fall out of a window, lose my mind? Am I going to be blind and what's going to happen? And I'm, I'm game, you know, I did whitey tighties naked in that, well, half, half naked in a couple of shows where I was laying on the ground. Oh, yeah.

Was that. I was slimed. Nightworms. I was washing. Was that the game you played? Oh, well, you mean, uh, yeah, with Charlie. Yeah. Yeah.

You just crawl, you just crawl around on your stomach in the middle of the night. Yeah, we do that. Yeah. I mean, I shit in the bed once. You poop the bed. You poop the bed. You know, it's like, you're a little nuts, those guys. I think the, the great part about that show is that, um, you can keep getting away with

a lot of stuff. All the characters can do basically whatever they want because the unspoken joke that the audience is in on is that all these characters are detestable and they're bad and they're all assholes. They're all assholes. So you, you can say things on that show that you wouldn't be able to say if you were not operating under that premise. So I guess my question would be like, is, has there ever been a moment where they tried

to write something that was so out there that you're like, I don't, I don't think we can make this funny. Well, no, they did one thing. We, we try everything. You know, we try all kinds of stuff, but they did one thing. I was, uh, I remember it was early morning. I was going to go to work. I was about to go to a read through of the first, uh, script for that season.

I can't remember which season and somebody handed me a script at the house and said, look, the, the guys have changed their mind. They're going to do this script instead of the one you were going to read. And I said, oh, oh God. Okay. He said, but they want you to read it right away. So, and they're all in the office and they want to hear what you have to say cause they're going to change up.

And this is going to be the first show of the season. I said, cool. So I start reading it and it's a show, normal show. They're in the bar. They're doing some prank. They're doing something. They're trying to get over on somebody and they need a hooker. So they send me out to get a hooker.

So I go in a car, I go to get a hooker, I get arrested immediately, page four. I get arrested. Right. I'm thrown in jail. I'm in a shower getting banged by some guy. Okay. Wait a while. So, and I read and then they go back to the bar and they're doing something, wearing antics

and everything. They wrote an entire script where I get banged like six times by white supremacists, by cops, by everybody until the very last moment. Frank is like, you know, description of me laying on a cot. Okay. I'm depleted. You know, I've been banged by everybody and the cop says, somebody made your bail and I go, oh, thank God I get up, you know, and it says he's walking, he can't walk.

And finally, the cop, this big guy says, he's got a billy club in his hand. He says, well, Frank, you're not going to leave before you say goodbye. He throws me down on the ground and all the cops come and they're, and in the very last moment of the script, the cop leans in to me and says, April Fool, motherfucker, and I knew immediately that it was April 1st and those sons of bitches wrote a whole script just to bust my balls. That's amazing. Holy shit.

I called them up. They were all sitting around with the speakerphone laughing their asses off. I was like, I eat your way from calling my lawyer at the same time like it's a fucked up script, but I could actually see that work. Yeah. I mean, I'm sure it was a good script. Visualize the whole thing. I was like, that's funny.

He got to the end. Yeah, that that that year was big. Ninety eight was huge. Yeah, we saved that team from being the L.A. Cardinals. I mean, yeah, they were L.A. L.A. Cardinals, if not for 98. Yeah, go to the playoffs. So you the lat the that was your first time being a backup.

The next time you were a backup was your last game, right? And I read the story. It's very funny. So it's a great story. Everyone should read it on Sports Illustrated, but Jake essentially tells a story that he's the backup at first. He was upset that he was a backup, but then he realized like, hey, why don't I enjoy this?

Like, I'm going to go out and enjoy the fans eating hot dogs at halftime. So you get in the last game and you were just like, fuck it. I'm just going to throw it deep and see what happens. No, not at all. I was rolling to my left and saw Javon Walker taking a break, going deep. And so I let it let it go. I mean, I think it ball traveled 50 plus yards in the air, right when it was coming down, he got tripped and the guy came flying in and picked him off.

So that was my last throw in the NFL, which I'm fine with. Yeah, right. Like I came to the league to try to make a play. And that's what I told when I walked by Shanahan, he's looking at me like, what? I'm like, trying to make a play, coach, sat down on the bench and that my coach, QB coach Pat McPherson comes over and he starts to pull something out. I was like, yeah, you could get you could go ahead and get get out of here. I'm not talking to you anymore.

I don't need to tell you what I was doing. I mean, I was trying to make a play. I want to win the game. She's just put me in the game. We win that game. We go to the playoffs. I mean, just no offense to J either. It's just that was my team.

Yeah. When I came back out, that energy was still there. You know, I felt it. And it felt good to kind of like my last curtain call was a haymaker rolling my left. I don't make a play that's I threw 161 TDs in the NFL and I also threw 161 interception. Oh, that's the definition of trying to make a play. I mean, I came out even, man, a lot of good ones and some bad ones. You are the ultimate hands off the wheel guy.

Like that's so perfect that the universe ended your NFL career on that play. Yeah, the same amount of touchdowns as in your seven. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, you know, it's kind of funny. They were about a good 10 of those, maybe, maybe a little more were Hail Mary's at the end of the first half with the Cardinals. Right. So keep in mind, I didn't throw it out of the end zone. Like a lot of QBs would for their rating.

I was like, come on, let's get this TV. We're trying to make a play. I'm trying to make a play. I put it into the end zone and there'd be a defensive guy would pick it off. So at least 10 of those. Even Dave Brown, my backup was like, dude, throw those out of bounds. I'm like, are you kidding me, man? If we get a touchdown going in, we come out.

We get another touchdown. We're only down by 14 instead of 28. We got down by 14 like that. I mean, I never gave up till the clock was over. So that's awesome. That's what my teammates loved is that I just never let them be complacent. Everybody loves you. You guys are fantastic.

You're great for football. Thanks for having me on the show. Take on me. Take on me. Take on me. Take on me. Take on me. Take on me.

Take on me. Take on me. Take on me. Take on me. Take on me. Take on me. Take on me. Take on me.

Take on me. Take on me. Take on me. Take on me. Take on me. Take on me. Take on me. Take on me.

Take on me. Take on me. Take on me. Be shy and wait While we're coming to you, buddy, wait Be shy and wait While we're coming to you, buddy, wait Drink on me

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Drink on me Drink on me Drink on me Drink on me Drink on me Drink on me Drink on me Drink on me

Drink on me