Pendejo Time - thirsty thursday

Episode Date: July 16, 2021

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Starting point is 00:00:00 happy happy thursday everybody thursday thursday thomas is thirsty you know what i'm like i'm i'm a thirsty girl oh no oh no i'm a thirsty girl i'm i'm thirsty oh i'm i girl. I'm thirsty. Oh. I'm really thirsty. I'm thirsty. I'm getting kind of thirsty. I'm thirsty. Thirsty. Thirsty for a drink. Of what?
Starting point is 00:00:37 I cannot say. Cum? Hmm? Wait, is this a musical? High school, you remember that high school musical song? Thirsty for Come? No. No.
Starting point is 00:00:50 Just thirsty. You know, pass me the basketball. Oh, yeah. I lived to be in high school. I don't really remember it. Oh, yeah. Yeah, Troy Bolton and then the... Zac Efron?
Starting point is 00:01:06 Is Vanessa Hudgens, is she black? No, she's Latino. She's Latino. Blasian? She's Blasian? Like Tyga? Yeah, I think so. Dude, a clutch nude, classic nude was her fucked up bush.
Starting point is 00:01:22 That was like one of the first... Was that one of the stupid where like randomly like jennifer lawrence and everybody was getting no this was before that this was a this is a classic moment and uh looking at pussy in high school uh era um it was like one of the first i guess like instances of that happening, but it wasn't the big... I remember when... I think it was so lovingly referred to as the fappening, is what you're talking about.
Starting point is 00:01:52 Yeah, that was weird. I think I was 13 when that happened. And even then, I was like, this seems wrong. This seems like it's just a violation of privacy rights. I was like... Yeah, I think I was like 18 or 19. Because I was so morally correct at the time. I was really a good guy.
Starting point is 00:02:10 I worked at a restaurant, and one of the busboys was like, he followed it like you would follow a global event that was going to kick off potentially World War III. He was like, all right, dude, I've been following the forums. So, so far, we've got ScarJo, Jennifer Lawrence, J-Lo. We've got the bitch from Resident Evil movies. We've got Amber Heard. So, right now, we've got a top five pick.
Starting point is 00:02:34 And I'm like, dude, is this the AFC? Like, is this the Pro Bowl? Like, what are we? We're talking about women's, like, tits as an asshole. He's like, yeah. So, basically, what happens is they get their iClouds hacked and it goes onto this big uh you know like forum and then they upload you know they just get cycled in cycled in cycled in and you can go and look at all of them and I was like
Starting point is 00:02:57 I don't want to talk to you like yeah I get being like you you're like, oh, cool. That celebrity's, like, pictures. Like, it's one thing to be like, oh, I might look at that later. It's another thing to be following it with, like, the passion and tenacity of, like, your favorite sports team. It's weird to, like, not, like, to be public about that also. Yeah. No, yes. Well, that's 100% yeah. Like, we're at work, man.
Starting point is 00:03:23 I want to go home. Like, I work at a shitty restaurant it's hot outside i've moved kegs all day i'm tired and like you your idea of a conversation starter is like hey do you want to see jennifer lawrence's asshole like on my phone like it wasn't her asshole was it no i don't think so but she wasn't getting it all up in there um i think she did a little dj spreader for one of them but i could i don't think so. She wasn't getting it all up in there. I think she did a little DJ spreader for one of them. I didn't look into it. I don't think I saw anything.
Starting point is 00:03:53 I remember a big game changer for me was through YouTube. I was able to see Halle Berry's boobs from that one movie uh what was it it had hugh jackman in it because that's who she was showing up to i think man i don't know i don't i don't know this was man it was like early 2000s i think but like she was like reading a book and he walks up to her and she just like lowers the book and you just like get to see her freaking boobies anyway so i like that was an early early one for you or like uh yeah it wasn't like i mean she did the scene in a movie i was like oh man that was crazy and then i actually saw the movie like a couple years ago and that scene happened and it unlocked this like deep memory of like going out of my way to see
Starting point is 00:04:54 despite the fact that i don't know if i'd ever seen hallie berry in a movie i just knew she was that was like whenever i thought kate Upton was just like the most beautiful woman who had ever set foot on this earth. Which, to be fair, you know. Was that when she was doing like the really – like the ads for those video game, mobile games? No, she started doing those after. She was on Sports Illustrated like two years back to back. And that was quite a time. In your young life?
Starting point is 00:05:27 I think I was in sixth grade the first time she was on Sports Illustrated. Sixth grade's a tough year. And I would go on Google Images. Dude, I was so bad at this. I would go on Google Images and just look up Kate Upton nude. go on google images and just look up like kate upton nude and then she like she didn't have she didn't do like you know like playboy photo shoots or anything so it was just her face photoshopped onto just like a porn star or something and i'd be like maybe this could be real maybe she just has like weird makeup on like from part of her neck up and it's you know maybe well maybe this one will be
Starting point is 00:06:08 real maybe no no yeah it's and then you grow up and you realize you know you can photoshop your own face under those girls you can do it alone you can do it every night if you want every night for five or six years you can you can jack off to your own nudes if you want and put Kate Upton's face on them. The first one for me, I talked to you about this before, so my first movie scene, because I had unrestricted and unfettered access to the internet way too early.
Starting point is 00:06:42 But before being on Newgrounds at nine years old i think i was like seven and i watched american pie the first one and i was like and you jacked off to him and fucking the pie yeah and so my dad so as when eugene levy walks in on jason whatever the fuck fucking the pie my dad walks in on me jacking off to him fucking the pie yeah he's like oh son i understand i i did this too and so we had to kind of no it was like uh i i don't know if you like you before you can like before you're even biologically capable of like beating off you like you see a pair of tits on the TV, like, on accident, and you're like, ah! At least my response was like, ah!
Starting point is 00:07:30 I didn't know. Yeah, I would just, I remember... I, uh... I saw Marilyn Monroe when I was a kid, and not in person. I saw her in a movie, actually. Yeah. It was Some Like and not in person. I saw her in a movie actually. Yeah. It was some like it hot.
Starting point is 00:07:48 Yeah. Which is sort of, that's like what your grandpa jacked up to. It was literally a VHS that my grandma had and I would watch and when in the makeout scenes, she made out with like every guy in that movie, which they might've had scripted and they might have just all been on like painkillers. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:08:10 But I was like, damn, I think I'm going to piss my pants. Yeah. There's no dick is not working like at all. You don't know. And then I literally like when I started, like when I first saw, pornography on the computer, I was probably, like, nine or ten. And, again, I didn't know, like, I was like, oh, that's fucked up. And then, like, for, like, a couple years, I was just, like, I would see shit, like, on Newgrounds or, like, whatever the fuck website I had stumbled on. And I'd be like, oh, well, that can't be good.
Starting point is 00:08:46 And then, dude, sixth grade was a fucking terrible... I mean, dude, really from sixth to ninth or tenth, I just... It was rough, man. I mean, it was... And it's cliche and hacky but it's like you talk to people and you're like how many what kind of numbers were you putting up in your heyday they're like uh you know like four or five and i'm like that's rookie shit dude i was uh there was there were
Starting point is 00:09:18 there were weekends the weekenders there were yeah some numbers were put up yeah yeah i uh i didn't know how to jack off for a long time really i just didn't know how i hadn't i hadn't i didn't think to do it it didn't even occur to me i just was sort of sit there with just a hard-ass dick and not do anything. Yeah, yeah, I know what you're talking about. I would just... I would go on my family's desktop computer. I think my little brother might listen to this show, but... No, I didn't.
Starting point is 00:09:57 April, just turn it off, man. Anyway. Yeah, I would go on the computer and just look up, like, girls in bikinis. Yeah, yeah, I would go on the computer and just look up like girls in bikinis. Yeah. Like just like, like that would be like a poster on the wall, like a mechanic shop. Yeah. Not pornographic at all. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:10:17 I didn't see a nipple on a woman until I was like 13. And it was like by accident i was just confused and that's when i stumbled on upon like porn but it was like granny porn okay and so um that really delayed my career by about a year yeah because i saw that and i was got an injury early on in your high school days. Yeah, I saw that and I was confused because I did not know quite what a pussy looked like. Mm-hmm. And that's the first one. And then I saw that one and I thought. Well, that can't be good.
Starting point is 00:10:57 This, the rest is a woman. On a younger woman, at least, appears to be something I'm into. I like that for sure. I know that. But the pussy seems like an absolute mess. It's an absolute mess. I don't think I like it.
Starting point is 00:11:16 I don't think I want this. This isn't what I want for myself. And so I thought, you know what? I'm putting pussy off. This is... I'm gonna just... Be a tits guy.
Starting point is 00:11:25 Yeah, maybe I just like bikinis. And then, like, you know in middle school when guys would be like, Yeah, I know of some crazy porn sites. Like, yeah, I know of some. I've got some, like, my own good ones. Yeah, the LaVolts. Yeah. Well, I checked out, I think, just one of the main ones.
Starting point is 00:11:55 I don't remember. Don't have a. And it was just, like, the front page was just, like, just absolute whale getting railed out. And I was out now i don't think i want this either well we'll push this back well i didn't scroll or anything i was like yeah push this back in there six months i'm never i don't even yeah i just wanted to go i'm just gonna go on a ferris wheel with a girl and maybe throw her off at the top or something. I don't understand this at all. And then, let's see. Yeah, I was like 14 when I figured out how to jag off.
Starting point is 00:12:30 I was 11. Which is like, that's pretty late, I feel like. That's late in the game. I mean, like, I guess it's not all that. It's not embarrassingly late. If I was like 17, that would be like, dude, what what was come on but i was yeah dude i like there was a kid that lived in the neighborhood i thought i was bad but there was a kid that lived in the neighborhood that would invite us over to play like tony hawk or like just video
Starting point is 00:13:00 games and he had he had like a pool and his parents were still married. So, in my mind, he was loaded. Yeah. And so, like, we would go over there to hang out. But we would never, like, we hated hanging out in his room. Probably, like, 13, 12 or 13. Because you know the smell. It's almost like a cleaning solution, but also, like, sweat. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:13:23 Just pure, just. Yeah. Like chlorine. You know, it wasn't just busted. It was sprayed and dispersed throughout the room. Yes. In different positions. For hours at a time. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:13:36 It was like he worked up a sweat. Yeah. And so the kid, his parents spoiled the fuck out of him. Yes. Yes. Hello? Never mind. Yeah, we're good.
Starting point is 00:13:53 So the kid's parents, like, spoiled the fuck out of him. And Thomas had an important call. No, I thought my mom was was here but it was a neighbor yelling i briefly just had like vietnam flashbacks almost i was like oh god and so he would be like hey uh y'all like let's uh my parents are like watching tv in the living room so we can just go in my room and play tony. And I'd be like, no, I think we're going to go hang out by the pool or something or go outside and skate.
Starting point is 00:14:31 And like, I don't know, when you're like 12 or 13, things are easier to say, I guess. And it's like, oh, like why? We can all hang out in my room. And I was like, oh, your room smells really bad. It smells like
Starting point is 00:14:44 semen. or whatever. You know, like whatever you say when you're like 13. And you would have thought the kid, like, I told him that his mom killed herself. He was like, what? I was like, dude. And me and my other friend were laughing. I was like, it's just kind of gross, so we're just going were like laughing i was like it's just it's just like kind of gross so we're just gonna like dude it like leveled the kid we didn't talk to him for
Starting point is 00:15:09 like a week he was like yeah my god he got really upset so we like left but it like that that stench like when you're 13 14 you're putting up those kind of numbers whatever i have a my cousin the you embarrassed me at my hooters yeah boy's son he's like 24 and whenever i would go over to visit my uncle for whatever reason his room still smells like that plus he's like 600 pounds like it's probably just like left over from like two years ago it's probably stuck on his belly roll yeah it's it's fucking anyway man i like that is just not that is this that is something you got to take care of yeah if you're putting up numbers like that in junior high and high school okay that's something you know what by by the time you're a grown man you should be too tired from your daily life.
Starting point is 00:16:06 Yeah, 100%. Hey, maybe twice. Max a day, in my opinion. Max a day. We're not talking about a weekday. We're talking about a lazy Sunday that you're not doing shit around the house. I guess you're not allowed shit around the house or like, you know. No. I guess you're not allowed to even have a hobby anymore.
Starting point is 00:16:33 Welcome to Joe Biden's America, folks. Welcome to Joe Biden's America. You get your bust ration out of the way. Bust ration? It's like the bread lines But it's just a big Sorry This woman needs to stop yelling She's freaking me out
Starting point is 00:16:52 Your stupid cat Is not coming back It's gonna stay in my yard She likes me better I'm not gonna open the gate Anyway There's a lot of drama in this neighborhood And I'm just a gringo I came here to bring it all down I can open the gate. Anyway, there's a lot of drama in this neighborhood.
Starting point is 00:17:06 And I'm just a gringo. I came here to bring it all down. Gran Torino? Yep. It's like Gran Torino without the bad guys. And also if he wasn't secretly a good person. You're not racist, but also you're not a good person at your core. Yeah. like you're not racist but also you're not a good person at your core yeah if i was just like
Starting point is 00:17:27 like didn't really care about people that much but like wasn't racist about it yeah you just it's not even that you're you know having you're just kind of like not you're just not racist so that doesn't make you a good person you're just well here's i'll play the devil's advocate if i'm already not a good person would being would becoming racist do any real harm uh i i think it wouldn't i think you should uh here's the thing here's a cool defense something okay it's not cool um it's also probably not gonna work it's probably say hey maybe thousands of people are calling me racist right now i'll have you know i do terrible things that have nothing to do with race
Starting point is 00:18:26 that you would be way more mad about if you knew. Thomas has sex with his neighbor's cat. No. Didn't do that. In fact, I haven't even petted him. He's a bit sheepish.
Starting point is 00:18:43 But... She'll get him over there eventually. He likes hanging out In the piles of boards And rusty nails That I have sitting on That's awesome I need to Are those
Starting point is 00:18:58 I was about to ask you If what's going on Are those still Or did my dad put them in the truck before he left so there's some mysteries of life
Starting point is 00:19:10 that can be answered simply by looking out a window that I'm too lazy to get up and look at I was about to ask you if you had anything
Starting point is 00:19:18 planned for this weekend that you're coming up to my apartment yeah we are just I am the plan. What time are you coming over?
Starting point is 00:19:27 Saturday? Like 10? 11? Hey man, how about you get off my ass? No. Whenever. Whatever. I gotta see how Friday goes
Starting point is 00:19:42 because I told this lady that I could come trim her trees and probably can't. Probably not going to be able to do that. Is trim her tree like a little bit of a... No, she needs 15 feet of driveway clearance. If you think I'm remotely interested in funny business i am tired all the time and i think if a woman flirted with me at work i would i would uh just drop a tree on her house. That would be pretty cool, honestly. You should do something like that. No. I'll never do something like that.
Starting point is 00:20:32 I have insane self-control. You do? Every department of life. I'm saying this as I drink a large Dr. Pepper and a milkshake. As I drink a large Dr. Pepper and a milkshake. Yeah, I was going to mention, but I didn't think about it on the last episode. So when I went to that gym around the corner, it's owned by a guy that I used to train with like 10 years ago. He has his own place now.
Starting point is 00:21:05 So I was there, and they ended up sparring like around like later on in the evening and uh this kid who i was holding pads for he's young kid probably like 2021 he was like you know pretty good i was helping him hold pads and stuff he clearly been doing it a little while and so we sparred and i didn't notice that his i guess i later found out that this guy was his dad and his dad this well i'm sparring and i'm not paying attention to like who's in the corner and we're like kickboxing and we're going at it and i'm doing my thing and like his dad is like one of he's doing like t-ball yelling at the umpire stuff but at his own son as he spars me so he's like are you gonna sit there and get your fucking ass whooped by this piece of shit like like i'm right there i'm the guy he's talking about like i'm just i'm sitting there like we're going at it and you know he's like
Starting point is 00:21:56 his head's right there punch him in his fucking head are you gonna do it are you gonna be a pussy and you just gonna fucking sit there and do nothing about it and i'm like i'm like man this is like uh first of all i'm right here he didn't care he was one of those beer belly but no net guys he probably like in back in the day like did his like did boxing too whatever but the kid is clearly like not having like a good time you know yeah because like we're only like a minute and a half two minutes into the round so i like kind of dial it back a little bit because i felt bad and also i wanted this guy to shut up and so like i dial it back a little bit like i'm not plus i was gassed as fuck because like i have not been working out this is like the third or fourth time i've went trained again
Starting point is 00:22:39 in like three months anyway so like i kind of slow down because i'm tired and i'm tired of this motherfucker yelling and so he tells his son like oh he's tired he's tired see so you're gonna you're gonna you're gonna rush at him and blah blah blah so the kid like kind of i guess to like a piece his dad starts throwing harder at me like way harder than like what like we were like it's just light sparring so now like and he's like yeah get it blah blah blah so like now my ego's hurt and i was trying to like not get yelled at by this old guy and kind of do this kid a favor so now i have to like so now i'm pissed so i start like throwing like going really hard on this kid and so his dad is like up and it's like are you gonna fucking
Starting point is 00:23:23 what the fuck do i bring you here for? Like, it was really awkward. The round ends, and I go sit down next to this guy, like, he's sitting on a bench, and I'm sitting on a rolled up mat. I'm just drinking my water. It's a small gym, and I'm, like, not trying to, like, be, like, eavesdrop or anything. It's fucking small. The gym's, like, super super small and the guy is like that fucking piece of shit was standing there with his hands down and he's mocking you and that's fucking bullshit.
Starting point is 00:23:52 You should have kicked him in his fat fucking head. I'm like literally three feet. Three and a half, four feet from this guy. Which respect to this old man because you know. Was he like big or just He's probably 5'8 but he was like all lats and all arms big beer belly but like probably he had like an old bodybuilder's body you know yeah like so his
Starting point is 00:24:12 son's like you know not saying anything just like tired and like drinking water he's like yes sir yes sir yes sir and like i'm sitting like i'm just and i'm like no i'm interested i'm like all right i gotta hear everything this guy has to say. So I like actually tune my hearing to the, he's like, you know, just like talking all sorts of shit. And he's like, if y'all go again,
Starting point is 00:24:31 I want you to fucking, you got to bum rush his ass. He's longer than you. And if he fucking lands on you, fuck you. You don't deserve to be here. You don't deserve to fight. Like, just like,
Starting point is 00:24:43 like how like a, like a dad dad like he was clearly living vicariously through his son you know how some dads are with their kids put them in football or whatever like you know so like we go like again like 20 minutes later and like i'm just kind of like whatever so i'm just like laying it on i'm like going like really hard and i'm like fuck this i'm just gonna see how mad i can get this guy and the kid's going hard too and like you would have thought that like we're like we just sold out like the mgm grant like the dad like he is so fucking livid he's like step off with the jab. Go Southpaw. What the fuck are you doing? What are you fucking, you piece of shit, motherfucker?
Starting point is 00:25:28 Sick and tired of paying for your fucking shit. I fucking can't stand the way you get out there. And, like, afterwards, like, the kid's pissed. Like, after the round ends, the second round ends or whatever. And the kid's like, could you, like, shut the fuck up, please? Like, you make it, like, he's, like, kind of made a point. He was like, you can't expect me to, like, be, like, do what I'm supposed to do or whatever, get a good workout in. If you're, like, yelling at me like this, I'm winning a belt here.
Starting point is 00:25:56 Like, he's sparring me, a, like, overweight, like, out of breath, skinny fat guy who hasn't been to the gym in three months. It's not a big deal and his dad is just like what like how can you treat me like like he got really emotional i don't know if the guys are on like deca or something yeah all of a sudden got really yeah he's like coming down off an hgh cycle and his body can't make any testosterone so he's crying for the first time in like 60 years like since he the last time he cried he had like gotten hit in the head with like a baseball when he was 11 and his dad beat the rest of the tears out of him and he just hasn't immediately put him on trend on his 12th birthday it was like
Starting point is 00:26:45 super awkward because like afterwards like i was like hey i was telling the guy i was like hey man like thanks chuck like let me train here like you know thanks guys like everybody like you know blah blah blah and i was like walking out and like the kid was sitting there his like head in his hands like totally dejected and i was like, hey man, that's a good couple rounds. He was like, yeah, yeah, yeah. He was like, sorry, my dad's retarded. That made me laugh really hard. He looked so sad in that moment. I'm sure that he was, but like, hey, my dad's an asshole, man, but good round or whatever.
Starting point is 00:27:24 My dad, he used to box in the Army. something like that that would have made it made sense it would have a little bit like would have like the grab like from weight the way he looked his shoulders like his head like just clearly having a bad one he was like ah sorry i mean my dad's kind of retarded i was like i was like i was like Like, I kind of, like, laughed it off. But he, like, did not laugh. So I was like, all right, man, see you. Like, I just left. But I had never had that, like, happen before.
Starting point is 00:27:53 Like, when I played baseball, like, but this was 14. I mean, I played baseball when I was, like, 10, 11 years old. So this is a long fucking time ago. But, like, when I played baseball, that was, like, super common. Like, the drunk dads in the stands yeah especially when you got to like away from t-ball and machine pitch you got to like pony or whatever like kid pit like the you got an actual pitcher you know or not coach pitch or anything like that and like you got umpires that are calling strikes and balls and shit on kids or
Starting point is 00:28:21 whatever and you've got dads in the stands that like played college ball or maybe they played minor league in their shoulder get whatever you know the fucking story and they're like blue i'ma come down there and i'ma fuck you to death blue i ain't fucking playing no more i ain't fucking playing and you know the umpire is like a 30 year old guy who like volunteered because his wife he's like a substitute teacher yeah at the school yeah yeah he watched maybe he's a big fan like he's a rangers fan he's been to every game that's his like certification in that regard and the moms are just as bad at least like like i maybe it can't just be like a texan maybe it's this other thing i don't fucking know but like the moms were just as bad the ones that have got i don't know what the current hairstyle is but whenever i was in high school it was
Starting point is 00:29:08 it was like it's like the shoulder length but the bob yeah yeah and certain parts of it would be highlighted but they'd switch it every like two weeks yeah be like yeah i got my hair done you know three hundred dollars it looks the same but like it's got splotches in it now. Yeah, it looks really nasty. Yeah, here's, you know, they got those rhinestone purses and everything. That or the fake Louis bags. Yeah. Or the real Louis bags that also look like fake.
Starting point is 00:29:42 Yeah, they're just really gaudy. They just look kind of trashy. Yeah. also look like fake. Yeah, they're just really gaudy. They just look kind of trashy.
Starting point is 00:29:44 Yeah. There was one time, I think it was like the last year that I played baseball. I was probably like 10 or 11. The concession stand
Starting point is 00:30:00 obviously did not sell alcohol, but there was one dad who would show up in his like cummins and he would have an ice chest and he would like either sell or give away or whatever like beers to the other dads uh and like they had gotten on to him a bunch of times but he just kept doing it because i mean who's gonna whoop his ass i don't know respect uh there was like a like a full-blown like three-on-three parent fistfight over a kid
Starting point is 00:30:29 pitch baseball game that hell yes and it wasn't even i remember it wasn't even obviously i didn't know why they were fighting oh i got older and it's like oh yeah when alcohol is involved and like you hate your kids and your wife you just, whatever. But it wasn't even a close game. I remember that game. We got blown the fuck out by like seven points. It was terrible. It was awful. So I didn't remember what all the fighting was about,
Starting point is 00:30:55 but I do remember my dad being one of the guys that was like, would come back with a Coors. My mom was like, where the fuck do you keep getting Coors? back with a Coors. My mom was like, where the fuck do you keep getting Coors? Because the concession stand sells pretzels and cheesy tots and Dr. Pepper and he's like, there's a guy out there in Cummins.
Starting point is 00:31:12 He's got all kinds of shit in back of his truck. It was one of those moments where I was like, the parents aren't here for the kids. They're only kind of here for the kids. They're here to, like, get fucked up and, like, start fistfights with other parents or arguments. Because that's, like, what parents, like, at least my parents and all the other parents there were still mentally in high school. And I think that's a lot of, like, a lot of parents in general, but especially parents who have kids that, like, try to do sports.
Starting point is 00:31:46 You know? Yeah. They're just like, my kid is a pitcher. And you're like, oh, well, my son's first baseman. Oh, my son's a running back. I hope that my kid gets into the ball. Running back, yeah, that's a good baseball position. I was saying the different sports, you stupid. Yeah, well, my son's a running back. And when your son comes out to pitch on Saturday,
Starting point is 00:32:08 you better be ready for something. I don't know if I have kids. I don't want to. You don't yet, but. Yeah. Yeah, I don't now. I don't know if I have kids. I don't know if I have kids. I don't know if I have kids.
Starting point is 00:32:27 If I decide to have kids, it's like, do I, like... Like, sports is like, I want to get them, I really would, you know, like, obviously I would want to get them in, like, boxing or something, because I like that, and I don't like any other sport, and if I'm going to go to something, it's probably going to be something that, like, I'll watch two 12-year-olds beat the fuck out of each other. Yeah, the thing about, like, automatically picking, like, a combat sport that you want your kid to be in, it'd be really funny if, you know,
Starting point is 00:32:56 your kid ends up being, like, a huge pussy. Yeah, no, that's something that I'd be in. Because you can't predict that kind of thing. No, you can't. Some kids just aren't, like, they can be good at it, but they can't predict that kind of thing. No, you can't. Some kids just aren't. They can be good at it, but they can't get hit. Maybe they took to karate, but they do one-point sparring session, and they know all the moves, but they get kicked in the leg, and they cry for 10 years.
Starting point is 00:33:17 Yeah. Yeah. That could be a total possibility. I'm not going to be one of those dads who's like, yeah, don't do this because it's stupid. But I really hope it's not like lacrosse or something, or like golf. You know, like. I feel, is lacrosse expensive to get into? It has to be because it's only played by like rich people.
Starting point is 00:33:37 Like, it seems like it could be an inexpensive sport. Yes. As a concept. But I've never met somebody who played, like, actually, I don't know that I've ever met somebody who played lacrosse. But I've never, like, seen a college that had lacrosse that wasn't, like, at least like a state university. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:34:04 Which to me is my idea of a fancy school. The school is – both the schools that I went to had lacrosse teams, and both of them were like – like it's a sport. You're right in the sense that like as a concept, it seems like you've got a net, you've got a ball, you've got a handle with a net on it. Easy, cheap. But it is cliche like the the the beat to the horse
Starting point is 00:34:27 beat to death joke is like it's a sport for rich pedophile children who are going to grow up to be rich pedophiles themselves or whatever uh why i don't know you'd think it'd be a more expensive sport like golf makes sense because golf like golf i'm sure they're like i i don't have anything against lacrosse i've never even watched it. It's probably fine, but, like, I don't know what the deal is with it, if that makes sense. I don't either. And, like, golf I understand, and, like, there are a lot of guys
Starting point is 00:34:57 on the internet who I'm friends with who are like, dude, you should try golf. I'm not anti-golf, but I will never fucking do it. Like, I just... For me, it's a time thing. Like, if you go golf, it's like at least a full afternoon. Yeah, it's... Whereas, you know, all the other sports that I do...
Starting point is 00:35:17 You know... Did you ever go back to that gym or no? I guess you haven't been feeling well, so you... I... You mean the... Jiu-Jitsu MA gym, that one. No, it was like 170 a month. Oh, yeah, that's right. I thought it was like 120.
Starting point is 00:35:36 And that was around when I started getting sick and stuff. Yeah. I haven't been working out at all. Yeah, I'm just now getting back i i'm trying to get myself back into it because i put i think i've gained like 15 pounds back already okay well that's good at least yeah i uh i know you told me that you like dip back down way under what you usually are yeah i was down to like 170 yeah 170. Yeah. Which, for me, is, like, it's funny because I joked, like, beginning of this year that to dip down to, like, 175, I would have to get, like, ALS. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:36:14 And then, like, there was a possibility for a while that I had something like autoimmune, which I don't think I do now. But I was like, I swear to fucking god if i got if i jinxed myself into getting als i'm gonna be so mad because it would be the funniest thing i'd ever done by far i remember that conversation because yeah i was trying to i was thinking about cutting down to 170 to do the muay thai competition in july you were like, yeah, if I tried to get to 170, it'd have to be because of some terrible disease. And I was like, oh, yeah, yeah, probably. And then I just, yeah.
Starting point is 00:36:53 Here I am 195, and you're like, yeah, I was at 170. Yeah, I'm already probably 185 right now. I started feeling better. So I started feeling better, and then, like, I think Monday I was – or Sunday I was, like, 181. Okay. And a week earlier I had been, like, 173. That's crazy. I mean, dude, it's weird. Like, there have been – like, water weight, whatever, but, like, I've weighed myself on certain days,
Starting point is 00:37:24 and I'm like, huh, 206. How'd that happen? And then, like, three days later it's, whatever, but like I've weighed myself on certain days, and I'm like, huh, 206. How'd that happen? And then like three days later, it's like 195. Yeah, a lot of bathroom scales are not as accurate as people think. I have used – If your scale is super old, then it's possible that the like spring thing is worn out on it but i have the i have one of those like smart scale things that i got on amazon a while back and that one's pretty accurate because i've i've the gym that i recently went to had like a recently calibrated like doctor
Starting point is 00:37:58 it's got the counterweights and everything yeah and it was only off by like 0.2 it was like 190 i really i want to get one of those like doctor scales they're expensive dude yeah they're like 200 bucks yeah they're crazy like but i just i don't like using the the step-on ones where i it's like i understand that they're accurate most of the time or like fairly accurate. But also I like doing it myself. Yeah, it's like a tactile experience. Yeah, it's kind of nice for me.
Starting point is 00:38:40 It's something I like doing. Autistic, like it is an autistically like sort of where you're like Whenever I get to go to the doctor And they do that, I'm like, yeah, I'm preparing for a fight I'm in front of the judges right now And they're like By the way, I'm 27 years old and I have this stupid thought I'll tell you what pissed me off the other day What's that?
Starting point is 00:39:01 So I had to go to the doctor, right? And I hadn't been to a real doctor in quite some time uh i just go to urgent cares usually because on my insurance on my insurance it's cheap i'm not going to the emergency room under any circumstances um because a player don't be having like three hundred dollars a player don't be having like $300. A player don't be having $200. Yeah. A player don't be having money.
Starting point is 00:39:36 Like if I had a heart attack, I would probably drive to an urgent care, and then they would be like, all right, come on, man. What the fuck do you think we're going to do here? And then I would just die. Yeah. Yeah, so I went to the doctor doctor and they had to do like it's a different location than the one i went to last time which was like two years ago yeah um and so they had to do like a new patient intake thing almost and so for their records of what height to have me as this fucking like five one nurse measures me and she takes my weight at the top of my man bun not my weight your height my height yeah
Starting point is 00:40:18 and she says oh looks like five nine and three quarters and i was like what i was like i was obviously mad at her like what and she was like i'll just round it up five ten i was like ah ah this is like in so much pain yeah because it being 510 is not a big deal but you don't get to knock a man down from his height. Like, you know, the height that he has in his mind. Like, if I just went up to you and I was like, yeah, man, you're 5'11 now, you'd be like, no. No, I'm not.
Starting point is 00:40:59 You'd be like, that's bullshit, dude. I think if I was under, like, if I was like, it wouldn't bother me that much if i wasn't exactly six feet tall like if i like i'm like six feet and like half a nut hair inch so if like if you were like you're 5 11 i'm like no i'm not it would only bother me because i know that i'm six feet tall and because of the world around me and the internet and yeah i've convinced myself because i've got like a hunchback. I've got like a curve in my spine.
Starting point is 00:41:29 I've convinced myself that if it weren't for that, I'd be six foot flat. And that's provided me a lot of peace. It's not necessarily true. I don't know. You know, you can't actually predict how much height it would add yeah but my spine doesn't my spine doesn't really straighten out which is fine neither does mine but i mean i'm still over i'm still six feet so it's cool you know yeah man you're kind of a pussy though like for being six feet it's weird when you think about the different ways that works. Yeah, yeah. No, I had to get a chest x-ray because my body's too healthy sometimes.
Starting point is 00:42:09 And they just got to see how I do it. And they were like, yeah, it looks like you have something going on with your spine. And I was like, well, I'm not really in here for that. So, you know, probably. Just ignore that. We'll get to it later, I guess. Yeah. They were like, yeah, it looks like your discs are already wearing out.
Starting point is 00:42:30 I was like, well, you know, I'm pretty old. I'm 21. Still pretty. I've had a long career behind me. And it's good, you know, as I reach retirement age, that my spine is going to shit the fucking bed on me. I reached retirement age that my spine is going to shit the fucking bed on me and that I have bone building up around my
Starting point is 00:42:49 like spinal cord because it's my vertebrae are fusing together that's pretty good I don't I hate when I go to the it's only happened once or twice But you go to the doctor for something
Starting point is 00:43:07 You know is fucking with you Like the last time I went to the doctor Like the actual doctor and not an ER or whatever Was I had a I couldn't hear out of my left ear For like three weeks And I had like an infection It went really bad
Starting point is 00:43:21 Blah blah blah blah blah So I get there and this is when i was probably like 230 235 i was drinking like a fuck ton uh doctor was like uh uh so the nurse took your blood pressure and i was like oh yeah they always do that he was like um it's high uh do you take blood pressure medication are you supposed to and i'm like i'm 25 years old and he was like a lot of people have to take it man uh you know have you considered getting on it and i or he was like or maybe losing some weight and i was like i came here because my ear hurt like my yeah my ears fucked up and you um hurt my feelings in like eight different ways just now like really bad uh so maybe we could we could start with back with the ear we can just we can
Starting point is 00:44:12 just let hey baby let's wipe the sleep clean let's just start over fresh so i'll tell you what my doctor told me my new doctor so i went in there and like, yeah, I'm having some pretty rapid weight loss that I would say, you know, if I get a handle on it right now, not the end of the world, but at this rate, I kind of need to, you know. Figure out what the fuck. And he was like, okay, so you said how much have you lost total? And I was like, like somewhere from 45 to 50 pounds. And he was like, so I have your last recorded weight.
Starting point is 00:44:54 And granted, this was a few years ago at 195. So, well, it looks like you must have gone above 200 then at some point. And I was like, well, yeah, I went way above 200, but we're talking recently here. I was like, you don't understand. I was at around 210, but like weightlifting, you know, like it was muscle. So I'm trying to get back there. And he was like, well, well you know technically 173 is a healthy weight for you bmi wise i was like right what i'm trying to get back to is around 210
Starting point is 00:45:33 pounds of pure fucking muscle so i can look badass and crush pussy in my new truck like i don't this is this complicated are you not following what i'm sorry you you have not read the the fucking player's manual sir you don't know you don't know how we roll do you because i'm not cruising if allegedly five nine and three quarters and 172 170 that is not a those are not player moves That's not pussy getting numbers. I need to see your Playboy credentials. You think... Where'd you go, Harvard?
Starting point is 00:46:12 You think I'm going to chill at fucking professional, like, cycler weight? Yeah. No. I'm getting objectively, like, obese. Too big. Medically. Medically large. objectively like obese too big medically large i'm shorting my lifespan by like eight years to to impress just other guys mostly and like women don't really care that much
Starting point is 00:46:35 it's mostly just guys that i don't like that much i'm trying to get privately quote tweeted on Twitter, sir, from people who are jealous of me. Yeah. And you're telling me that I can stand to lose a little bit more? I could be 160. Yeah. He was like, honestly, I mean, so the weight you're at is nice because you could lose a little bit more and not even be close to underweight.
Starting point is 00:47:01 And I was like, that's good because because i'm gonna be there like next week if i don't get this figured out so and then like a month after that i'm gonna be like 120 pounds and then i'm gonna die i'm gonna die pretty soon after that at the current rate i come in i'm 75 pounds well you could stand to lose a little more honestly you're almost underweight but if you feel healthy this weight perfect that's good yeah um yeah no every doctor um is i don't want to call them frauds but they're definitely um they're thieves they're liars um crooks they're bad people a lot of them are murderers pedophiles oh yes 100 yes uh embezzlers 100 yeah some of them are Jewish. Well, some of them are.
Starting point is 00:48:10 But that doesn't have to do anything with anything, you know. I'm saying that because I noticed we've been anti-Semitic on a few episodes and that lost us subscribers. And there's nothing I want more than your money, if you're listening. If I'm being honest. I don't really care if you think I'm a good person. Or funny, even. I'm not funny.
Starting point is 00:48:36 And I'm like, okay, I'm not a bad person, all right? Yeah. But I'm not doing that much for my community or anything. Or even those close to me. Even my friends. I entertain my friends. I don't check in that often. If you need help moving, I'll do that.
Starting point is 00:48:55 I'll only do that so I can feel like a good person for a couple days, even though it's something I was kind of morally obligated to do. What else? What else have I done that's bad in my life? I flipped off a homeless man yesterday. Let me tell you that story. All right, let's hear it. So I get out of this doctor's appointment
Starting point is 00:49:22 because they narrowed down my stuff some more, right? Mm-hmm. And they were like, all right, let's send you in for another blood work. I'm like, cool. So I don't get off work in time. So I have to drive straight to work. Wait, I have to drive straight to the doctor from work. And I've been hauling brush and stuff all day.
Starting point is 00:49:43 I'm covered in dirt and sweat. Forgot to bring a mask. I found one in the parking lot put that on went in got my blood drawn and i had like sort of like mild heat exhaustion right and then i got my blood drawn so i was just like just a husk of a human being anyway i get back to my car and um uh i i downloaded the chipotle app because shout out to the guy on twitter who gave me a promo code for free entree i use that and i was like all right let's get some food i look up i'm just in this parking garage just been in there maybe like two minutes with the AC running, just cooling off. I look up and this homeless man who, he'd been in there, he was already in there when I walked in, but like, I'm not, you know, it's shade. I'm not like, not really none of my business.
Starting point is 00:50:38 And he has his phone out and he's taking pictures of my car and me okay he's like probably 20 feet away and he looks angry too yeah he's he's standing like not in front of the license plate or anything just like diagonally and just zooming in on me and my face i assume i'm hoping and also my car and so i give him a i'm beat to fuck dude i'm not looking to deal with this yeah i give him a gesture like what you doing man you know what's going on what come on man what are you doing like i don't even i don't even open the window right and he just he keeps doing it and like hitting like hitting the button to take pictures of me more aggressively and like moving around for different angles and so i'm still ordering chipotle i mean i'm like ah do i want the queso blanco right it's like a dollar 20 extra fuck it i'll go for it
Starting point is 00:51:46 right anyway i look up he's still doing i flip him off and he's like dude i'm not gonna fight a homeless man right he clearly a mentally ill individual who's not really he's threatening me but like not trying to slash my tires or anything. Yeah. I look up. Dude, you would have thought that I had just, like, killed his whole family. He was so mad at me for flipping him off. Keep in mind, I flipped him off because he was, like, taking yeah it's totally justified yeah yeah i wasn't trying to even be mean to him i just don't want pictures of me on your phone like very reasonable you know yeah i didn't even yell at him and he was like he like ran into this hedge and then like ran back and then was just like doing
Starting point is 00:52:46 little weird circles and like he had a really bad hunchback and i felt like i just angered some like imp or demon or something and it was like gonna come back and haunt me in the next life i was like ah fuck this is like maybe a secret angel or something anyway for some reason he grabs his stuff and leaves the parking garage i'm like where is he going anyway i leave and i'm like that guy could have stayed there you know i'm just parked there yeah where is he where is he going yeah you didn't go up the stairs that would have been the smart thing yeah he could have stayed on the stairs assuming i stay in the car there's no way i can beat him like you know i was uh
Starting point is 00:53:31 i played a show like i guess a couple weeks ago now at the band and i there was no parking it was a friday night so there's no parking on 6th street and so i had to park way way away away and uh reminded me that there's no like resolution to this story it was just one of like there's just no solidarity among the damned i suppose there was this homeless guy that i literally had to he was laid out on the sidewalk i thought he was dead but he was breathing and he had like uh i think i don't know man it's kind of sad but he was breathing and he had like a i think i don't know man it's kind of sad like it looked like he had like abscesses on his arms where he'd been like shooting up sad sad shit and he's out cold i see his chest moving he's breathing i kind of like paused for a second and i was like is this guy dead like in the middle of fucking day
Starting point is 00:54:18 like like middle of like early evening no he's not all right i kept walking but as i'm walking i hear from behind me hey man you good and i like turn around because i think the guy's like talking to me and i turn around and there's a guy on the other side of the street and he's just looking at the guy he's pointing at him and he's another homeless guy not not a good samaritan and he doesn't care because he's got a big stupid smile on his face and he's like are you good man you good over there and the guy's like you know he's out like the guy's like probably higher than fucking he's hired shit and he like walks across so i of course i start walking slower because i'm like is this guy gonna like kick this guy in the head for no reason is he gonna stab him like
Starting point is 00:54:59 what's gonna what's about to happen and again there's no like intense resolution to it but there's something like he like walks over and he's like kind of tapping him with his foot. And he's like, you go player. Are you look fucked up right now? The guy's not responding. He's just talking to this guy.
Starting point is 00:55:15 He's talking basically to himself. He's like, man, he's like, it's hot out here. I bet that concrete hurt. You need to get up, dust yourself off.
Starting point is 00:55:23 Like the guy is like on heroin or who the fuck knows but there was something like i'm walking and i'm laughing so fucking hard because there's something about not care he didn't care it was funny for him to do that and he only it was for the love of the game he like walked off laughing like ah motherfucker's probably dead blah blah you know to stop what you're doing to stop your adventure as a homeless guy to walk over to a passed out homeless guy with like track marks and be like hey what's good you dead are you what's up playboy you look you look down on your look right now you need to dust yourself off this concrete's hot you ain't got no shirt on you
Starting point is 00:56:02 just laying out there no damn shirt on you just fucking around hands all bruised up look like you've been shooting up it's gonna be all right dust yourself off play boy i'd see it like you got your own thing going on probably go like fucking you know get your own change your own coins your own dollars and like you stop your walk to go like tap this guy in the foot give him shit and then like laugh at him and then walk away it was just like very like man these guys don't like in my mind and my spoiled like you know my problems aren't real mind i'm like all homeless people have to be friends right like they have to be friends because that i have like a cartoon playing in my head of the world and that's how i perceive things like this like a child would but no these guys like uh throw rocks at each other they like try to kill each other all
Starting point is 00:56:45 the time mostly i guess because they're bored uh and their lives aren't very good yeah i mean at a certain point i don't know it's i think there's definitely multiple levels to homelessness for sure yeah yeah like even homeless people in a certain area are gonna be like way different you know like if you're a dude who doesn't have a place to stay in like a small town imagine that yeah yeah it's like you and like maybe one or two other homeless people yeah but if you're in like houston yeah you know and i feel like that would be a lot different from like like being a homeless dude in austin seems like if you've got to be homeless somewhere not to say it's like a good gig but like they don't bro they've got free
Starting point is 00:57:50 open like rivers and parks like you could just like if it gets hot like just go hang out there yeah like I'm not saying like wow homeless people are they got it so easy yeah I'm not saying like oh man they're really treated right over there no they're not but they're not beaten to death in the streets at the same rate as elsewhere.
Starting point is 00:58:11 Like New York or wherever. Yeah, where they just, yeah. What's crazy is like there was, so they just passed this proposition in Austin to like get rid of these tent cities. And there was this guy I know that runs this like podcast slash YouTube channel. And anyway, he went to one of the tents and he was interviewing people. And one of the persons in the interview was like, dude, I have like a 30, 35-hour-a-week job. Like I work at a restaurant. It's just I just like I was in between moving.
Starting point is 00:58:40 Something happened with the apartment. Now I live out here. I'm trying to save up money for a new place or whatever. And I was like, oh, that's like, you said like levels of homelessness. There's like that guy. And then there's like expert, like insanity mode. Homelessness.
Starting point is 00:58:55 The guy's like taking a shit in a potted plant. And like, there's a guy, we were driving back all the gear from downtown downtown it was a different night but downtown to where it's like 35 minutes north in this little town called round rock where our little practice base studio is or whatever that we recorded and there's a fucking guy on the feeder road and he has a chicken on his shoulder a live one and he's got a top hat on. And my bass player was like, what the fuck is that? And I was like, I actually know that guy. Not personally.
Starting point is 00:59:29 But that is one of my least favorite homeless people in Austin, Texas. One of my least. He. And I don't have that many. But I work downtown a lot. And there are a couple that I know, like, by face. Like, by name. Just from, like, working at the bars and bouncing for a little while.
Starting point is 00:59:45 Bartending. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. This motherfucker is mean and his chicken sucks so bad. And I would always have to tell him to leave the bar I worked at because he would walk up and he'd be like, can I have a cigarette?
Starting point is 00:59:57 To people with a fucking full-grown angry chicken like on his shoulder. And the chicken liked him and he liked the chicken. Chicken did not fuck with anybody else. And I'd be like, dude, get the fuck out of and he liked the chicken chicken did not fuck with anybody else and i'd be like dude get the fuck out of here with your poultry bird like get the fuck like you can't you this is a bar and a restaurant so like if you have a restaurant right and i walk in there with a dog that's one thing if i walk in there with a fucking chicken and i
Starting point is 01:00:20 have chicken shit on my shoulder and i'm sunburnt and i have like a bloody nose like that's not cool but he like again he was in extreme like uh difficulty guitar hero level homeless he was like if you're walking around a stovepipe hat on and you got a fucking chicken on your shoulder and this sounds made up i'm sure to a lot of people but there are some people in austin who listen to this fucking show and there are probably motherfuckers who've seen this cocksucker downtown. If you go downtown or really anywhere in Austin. Because I've seen him as far north as like Breaker. Which is like way the fuck up there in North Austin.
Starting point is 01:00:53 So he was like, oh, that's cool. A guy with a chicken on his shoulder. I was like, no, fuck that guy. Because this guy on several occasions would like, I'd be smoking at like 2 in the morning. Because I would get off around 3. Like right before I started cleaning and wiping the bar down and like kicking everybody out of the bar. Uh, like smoke a couple of cigarettes. I drink a beer myself out there. Um, bullshit with the regulars and then go in and start cleaning. And this motherfucker would come up
Starting point is 01:01:17 and be like, can I have a cigarette? Like, no, please. Like nothing. Can I have a cigarette? I'd be like, yeah, I mean, here, I have a cigarette. He's like, oh. Can I have a cigarette? I'd be like, yeah, man, here, have a cigarette. He's like, oh, man, you got a full pack. Can I have, like, three of them? I was like, no, sorry. And he's like, man, fuck you. And I'm like, by the way, the whole time, chicken on the shoulder. The chicken's, like, doing chicken things.
Starting point is 01:01:41 Like, he's fucking eyes going everywhere. I like the silence. Like, people were probably listening, thinking, man, he man he was like trying to think of something to say but no jake was doing like a bunch of chicken moves bug i just wanted to be on record he was like yeah yeah i was doing yeah like the chicken anyway and i i told him i was like hey man you can't like because one of the like things we you would like the security guys the bouncers at this bar would do is, like, it was a super chill, like, kind of bougie place, actually. But they had security mostly for the occasional drunken argument between couples and then the homeless people. And, like, I would give them a dollar and a cigarette and I'd give them a cup of coffee.
Starting point is 01:02:21 And then, like, 99% of the time they'd be like, dude, this is sick. Thank you. And they'd leave. This guy and a couple other dudes would be like, though, I got a dollar, I got a cigarette, and I got a coffee. Can you get my chicken a bag of salted vinegar chips? He really likes those. Which is not a sentence that my brain is wired to understand fundamentally. Can you get my chicken a bag of chips no can you get
Starting point is 01:02:47 the fuck like off the board i'm not gonna give your chicken a bag of fucking chips dude or out of your fucking mind and to this day like i don't i've been going into austin more obviously because i'm moving i saw him probably like a month ago i've been seeing this motherfucker in the city for like nine years same chicken it might be a different chicken i don't know how long chickens live like as a guy's shoulder bird i feel like that's a pretty long life for a chicken probably a different chicken where he got it i don't fucking there's a possibility that that man is a ghost he sounds like a ghost i don't know the property is a ghost that sounds like a ghost to me yeah i've just been seeing people have just been seeing him ever since austin uh was built on um sacred uh the the grave of a fucking stupid
Starting point is 01:03:36 pirate with not a parakeet a fucking goddamn rooster on his fucking shoulder He used to sail around the Gulf of Mexico And And steal all the cigarettes From oil riggers Yeah From Mexican oil riggers Can you imagine You see the black flag
Starting point is 01:04:01 And they Cannon fire Yeah they throw the hooks with the ropes over your deck. They come aboard, and they say, Hey, man, can I have a cigarette? And you're like, what the fuck? We just lost 15 guys. Due to cannon fire.
Starting point is 01:04:19 Just like three cigarettes. Any bird feed you have? Bag of chips for my chicken. You don't have bird feed? All right, sink them. Sink them. Take no prisoners. Walk the fucking, what are those, Marlboro Lights?
Starting point is 01:04:31 Walk the fucking plank, dude. Yeah. We're going to keel all your ass. Yeah, that guy fucking sucked. There was a guy. Was this a white guy? Of course, yes. Was this a white guy?
Starting point is 01:04:42 Of course, yes. I could, because in my mind, I could not imagine anyone other than, like, a very, like, a guy whose skin was just, like, you couldn't tell what age he was. It's kind of like, he was like, it was like thin skin. Like, he was like an alcoholic skin, you know? It's like red and really papery like he always smelled like like he just he he was one of the villains of the austin homeless scene there was another guy that sucked there was a lady who i think i told you this maybe when we first started but uh i parked my car to go to this bar to do a set and uh i pulled out cash to pay the parking meter thing and this lady hobbles up dude and she's fucking like she's doing like her head's going and she like spots me and i'm like ah fuck
Starting point is 01:05:36 here we go you know like i had a couple dollars so like i already preemptively grab a dollar and she like her mouth is going to like she's fucking geeked i don't really care like my philosophy is if i give somebody a dollar i don't care if they're going to spend it on drugs when i had disposable income and i did drugs and had a house i spent money as a house person with a fucking house and place to live on drugs all the time i don't care people need to do drugs especially if their lives suck i don't give a shit. Anyway, I give her a fucking dollar and I was like, here's your dollar lady. Uh, I gotta go. She goes 20 and I was like, excuse me? She's like 20. I had a $20 bill in my wallet. I guess she saw it. And she like points my wallet. She's like 20, 20 and like points at herself. And I'm like, I'm not giving you $20.
Starting point is 01:06:26 Sorry. And she's like, like, just starts, just completely loses her fucking mind. Like, starts yelling at me and shit and, like, fucking going ape shit. And I was like, what? Like, drug-induced insanity, I don't. Maybe that's the reason. Like, I don't know. Maybe, you know, you just feel like you're so close.
Starting point is 01:06:50 Yeah. To being able... Because, like, 20 bucks, that usually about does it. Yeah. About gets the job done. Oh, for sure, yeah. What's a gram of heroin?
Starting point is 01:07:04 Like, 15? No, way more than that. Way, for sure, yeah. What's a gram of heroin? Like 15? No, way more than that. Way more? No, but I mean... I've just been hearing about bum shit, but... I've never looked into... Anyway. A gram of heroin is like 80, 100 bucks.
Starting point is 01:07:18 Really? Yeah. Yeah. I'm thinking of something else. I never really looked into the hard stuff beyond cigarettes. That's the only thing I've ever tried. Me too. I tried an O'Doul's one time, and I think I've had a Smartie.
Starting point is 01:07:44 Did anybody in your junior high smoke Smarties? Dude, that shit was stupid. Yeah, so there was a kid that did it so much that we knew that he got in it like a fungal, like esophageal. Everybody that rode at the back of the bus,, the shithead kids I rode back there, that was a thing that everyone was doing. And, like, I was like, this is, like, no. I was also, like, I started smoking cigarettes way too early. And I was 13, 14, and I was like, dude, I smoke real cigarettes. I'm cool.
Starting point is 01:08:21 Like, I'm an adult. You understand? Like, I don't need to do this kid shit. Sorry, bro. Like, I smoke real cigarettes I stole from my mom, like, because I'm an adult. Like, I'm cool like i'm an adult you understand like i don't need to do this kid shit sorry bro like i smoke real cigarettes i stole from my mom like because i'm an adult like i'm cool but they would like do that shit and then one kid like actually like i don't remember how it happened but he got like sick from it somehow that's badass yeah like that's how you go down as a hero all those kids are dead now or like have six child support like payments they have to make like to six different baby mamas yeah i think the main kid i know who smoked smarties went to prison
Starting point is 01:08:51 yeah but i think i don't know if he's out but anyway anyway folks if you're listening to this then you sure you're awesome thank you so much you're so awesome what you so much. You're so awesome. You rule. You're so sexy. You're awesome, dude. Fucking cool, brother. You rock. You have a big ol' pecker.
Starting point is 01:09:14 You are packing what? You are packing hammered stuff. You got that cock on ya, pal. If you got that cock on you, you should go to patreon.com slash pendejo time and drop us a dance. And Jake will suck your cock clean off your body.
Starting point is 01:09:35 I will do that for you. But you have to send the pictures to Thomas first. He approves them. Send me no. Don't send me pictures of your... Don't show me your penis. Please don't. I don't want to see it. Please stop showing me your penis.
Starting point is 01:09:53 Please stop sending me messages about how you are going to kill yourself and you just need someone to talk to. I am not a certified therapist. When you do that, I'm morally obligated to respond and then you sometimes I read it and I don't respond
Starting point is 01:10:14 I usually do that and then I remember six months later and I check to see if you've retweeted anything since you messaged me. If you haven't, then I kind of feel bad, but assume that you're on vacation. I unfollowed a reply guy for killing himself. The price to pay.
Starting point is 01:10:42 If you want to play, you have to pay. The price to pay. If you want to play, you have to pay. But just anyway, DM Thomas all your penis pictures and all your sad stuff you got going on in your life because he wants to hear it. All right, bye. Yeah, it's fine. Did we finish?
Starting point is 01:11:04 All right, that's cool.

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