Plumbing the Death Star - A Christmas Heist

Episode Date: December 22, 2014

In which our heroes come together for one last job, find friends in unfamiliar places and devise a master plan to save Christmas in Plumbing the Death Star Presents: A Christmas Heist. We discuss the dangers of having Catwoman on your side, the best place to keep a stolen Christmas and how afraid Arnie is of his Turboman suit. Jackson puts his faith in Frosty the Snowman, Zammit manages to make this somehow about comic books and Duscher just wants everyone to know how amazing Argyle is. So join the gang as they scheme, strategise and scam their way into the bank vaults, but ultimately, your hearts. It’s a yuletide, holiday heist which will almost definitely end with an inevitable betrayal. To help us buy fancy tech for this Christmas heist head to http://www.patreon.com/sanspantsradio and for as little as $1 a month, you can make a difference in us avoiding Christmas prison. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

San Spence Radio. Don't stop till we say when. This episode is brought to you by Joel Du- No, you son of a- Dusha, did you really just subscribe to our Patreon account? We have to thank you on air now. I guess thanks. Thank you to Joel Dusha. Well done, buddy.

Hey guys, and welcome to a very special Christmas episode of Plumbing the Death Star, where we ask important questions like, which Christmas characters would do the best in a heist? So, in this holiday season what I want to do is I want to make a film. I want to make a Christmas film, but I also want to make a Christmas heist film

gathering different characters from previous existing Christmas films so we can pull off the best heist ever. Okay, well where are we heisting? I'll set the scene. Christmas Eve. The Grinch has taken over

Santa's HQ. I reckon, no, no, no, make it like a year before. A year before Christmas It's New Year's Day A year before The Grinch has stolen Christmas And he's put it in a bank vault Put it in a bank vault

Santa has got us The masterminds on the phone He's like ho ho ho Guess what motherfuckers It's bank heist time. Is it like we're getting the team back together? We're getting the team back together. We're getting the team back together.

Some sort of like big fallout that's happened. The Grinch has taken over Christmas. Everyone's had like a year or so to sort of like, oh, look, it's not great, but hey, we don't have Christmas anymore. But the Grinch is, I guess we're dealing with this. This is what's happening now. And Santa's having none of this bullshit. Cut to the present.

This green bullshit will not stand. We want Christmas, guys. It's true. We need to save Christmas. In today's episode, we are putting together the perfect Christmas heist film. All right. So obviously there is a few different roles in heist films.

So just to make it easier for us and I guess the listeners, but mostly just us. I do need help. We've been known to need a hand every now and then. We'll just throw out some roles that we'll need to cover. So we've got the target, which is

that green motherfucker, the Grinch. That sneaky green cunt. Masterminds, which is that green motherfucker, the Grinch. That sneaky green cunt. Masterminds, which for this argument we'll say is us. Santa's called us. Santa's like the financier. He's the guy who's getting us to like, he's the mission. He's the guy in Inception that owns the jet. Yeah.

There you go. He is that dude. That is Santa. For those of you who missed that watching Inception the first time, give it a rewatch. Santa. He's Santa.

All right. So apart from those obvious roles, which we've already set, we need a tech expert. All right. We need a con man slash distraction guy slash inside man. They're all pretty much the same thing.

I reckon one guy could probably do that for us. We need like an actual burglar to do the actual stealing. Yeah. We pretty much the same thing. I reckon one guy could probably do that for us. We need an actual burglar to do the actual stealing. We need a getaway driver. We need some muscle. And we need a fall guy. Oh yeah. I love that. I love in Heist where it's just like,

and then just this guy did it. And he's like, what? And then it's all like, he's in jail now. And he's like, fuck. Alright, great. Let's start off. Who are we going to do first? And then it's all like, he's in jail now. And he's like, fuck. Yep. All right, great. All right, great. Okay, let's start off. Who are we going to do first? Okay, who's our first?

Who's the first person we're collecting? All right. So I reckon we'll start with the tech expert just because. All right, so we need someone. Someone who is very good. Christmas movie, very good. Well, I'm going to put out the obvious choice because I think this is pretty clear. I think everyone knows.

We're all dancing around the topic. Listen to this as well kevin goddamn mccallister not who i was thinking of oh jackson i was thinking of the dog from the grinch oh no come on kevin mccallister is clearly the tech expert this is a guy who makes traps out of fucking nothing this is kevin mccAllister manages to keep crooks out of his house twice, three times, if you include one of the straight-to-DVD sequels. Which we are. Which, of course, we are. And that's with nothing.

I'm a lone expanded universe, guys. Novels, Atari video game, board games, watches, role-playing system. Kevin McAllister 6th edition That's with nothing He manages to defend his house With no funding

No resources Except what he has around him Imagine him with Santa's fucking financial backing Kevin McAllister is gonna be He's our guy Yeah yeah Like if we give him

This is the thing we need to do And he will build it for us Yeah I was gonna say either him or Arnold Schwarzenegger from Jingle All The Way In Jingle All The Way Just because he's got a rad suit Turbo Man

I suppose so That's not really a tech expert He struggles to do anything in that film He's not having a good time in that suit He's just like Flying around Why is there a superhero suit that lets you fly I'm in that suit. He's just like, I guess whoever designed that suit. Flying around. Why is there a superhero suit that lets you fly?

I don't know. We'll be like, Arnie, we need you to fucking hack in. He'll be like, oh, and just fly away in the suit. We'll be like, ah, should have chosen Kevin McAllister. Child genius. And he's probably grown up a bit since then. That's true. Yeah. He's probably happy to wreck shit for us.

Exactly. He's probably missing the a bit since then. That's true. Yeah. He's probably happy to wreck shit for us. Exactly. He's probably missing the rush he used to get from destroying the lives of brains of criminals. Yeah, right. Do we have anyone else? Kevin M? Anybody else for a tech expert? Let's have a think. Ah, um...

I can't think of his fucking name, but the limo driver from Die Hard. Okay. I reckon he'd be alright at... But what's your evidence? Because I've got a lot of evidence to back up Kevin McCallister. My evidence is he drives a limo and uses his phone. I'm pretty sure he hacks into... Justin Long? No, he just calls

people on the phone. We're talking about Justin Long? No, not Justin Long. Die Hard 4 isn't set at Christmas, you idiot. Yeah, I was going to say, it's not set at Christmas. I don't think driving a limousine is that technical. It's just a long car, guys. I see, I probably couldn't. It's pretty long.

There's a phone in the car. No, Kevin McAllister's still the clear way. Fair enough. Jackson, he can drive and make a phone call. Which is two things that would be illegal for Kevin McAllister to do. I was going to say Santa's elves as a possibility, but I'm assuming they're not that busy.

It's not Christmas. They're just sitting around smoking cigarettes being like, this is the longest I've not worked ever in my life. No job. Argyle. That's his name. Argyle. Still not on the roll. Still not on the list. At least his name made it into the episode

He's like we'll box him in a maybe But Kevin McAllister Alright We'll go with Kevin McAllister Teenage sociopath Kevin McAllister Alright so now I guess Con man distraction inside man type

Type of job We're robbing a bank But Christmas is inside the bank. I've got a couple of choices. I reckon Buddy from The Elf. As in Will Ferrell's buddy.

He is pretty distracting. He manages to sneak his way into Santa's goddamn sack. And if Christmas is in a vault, he would be just drawn to that And he would try and be like hey Grinch Let me protect Christmas because I love Christmas And I want anything bad to happen to it

Wasn't his dad a banker? So like he could sneak into the bank And then he could sneak into Fucking the Christmas inside the bank Yeah So scratch the team, Buddy Elf Just Buddy? Elf is last name?. Buddy Elf. Just Buddy? Is Elf his last name?

Hi, Buddy Elf. Mr. Elf. Hi, my name's Buddy Elf. You can call me Buddy or Mr. Elf. Or just Elf. Either way. If he ended up inheriting his father's company and his real name was Johnson,

like Johnson and Elf. I work for Johnson and Elf. All right, well, Buddy, he's certainly, he's like a maybe, probably yes. He's maybe. Anyone else got anything? I was thinking Frosty the Snowman. Yeah?

For a couple of reasons. Could freeze the bank. That would be distracting. But we need a con man, right? Someone to sneak in there, unbeknownst to everybody else. Now, Frosty is really just the hat right yes so if we just put the hat on a guy in the bank and he's like oh i'm frosty but secretly not then he goes in the back puts the hat down walks away the banker who was wearing

the hat is like what am i doing then he puts the hat on like a little fucking present. But the problem there is in that moment where he's like, Will's the guy to like put that hat off and on something, he becomes himself again. He's going to be like, what am I doing with this old hat? I have a hat. Puts it back on his head. Then he's like, God damn it. I'm wearing a hat.

Why am I? This is going to be that for a good 20 minutes. It's just a loop. And the Grinch is going to be like, what's this? What are you doing with that hat? Is that Frosty? Give me that hat. He puts it on.

He's the Grinch. Rest in peace, Frosty. Frosty on fire. All right. Frosty is in the maybe, probably not. You got anybody, Dusha? Come on, man. Someone to sneak in.

Rufus from Love Actually. Oh, Rowan Atkinson. Yep. Okay. Yeah, yeah. He's a good distraction. I suppose. But he's only distracting.

Instantly, I sort of regret it because I was thinking about it more. His distraction is solely that he's wrapping a present. Yeah, but he's a Christmas angel. Maybe. I was going to say, is that ever confirmed? In my Love Actually fanfic. In the original script. In the expanded universe of Love Actually.

Sixth edition. Love Actually role-playing system. That would be the best. He's very distracting. He could be a good inside man I think if we could combine Buddy And Rufus I mean there's no reason we can't take both

On They'll both want Christmas back Buddy because he's a god damn elf You know And Rufus Is maybe a Christmas angel And he's also he likes wrapping shit and when else are you going to get to wrap things apart from a birthday

can we get Rufus into the bank though like I think he'd be a good person to be he's got retail experience yeah he does he'd be a good customer service rep yeah alright okay yeah I'm on board I'll give it the okay

if we can get both of them if we can get both of them. If we can get both of them, but also get everyone a present that Rufus needs to wrap whilst they wait in a line. Okay, cool. Alright, so now we just need a burglar slash pickpocket. Malcolm McDowell.

In which film? Home Alone 5 Holiday Heist. Wait, what? There's already a holiday heist? Oh, no. Malcolm McDowell is the leader of the burglars, Home Alone 5 Holiday Heist. Wait, what? There's already a Holiday Heist? Malcolm McDowell is the leader of the burglars, including that girl that I think was in Third Rock from the Sun, and that guy from My Name is Earl,

Crabman, who owned, okay, that's the trio that try and break into the kid's house in Holiday Heist. Malcolm McDowell is a genius in that film, and he is nearly successful, if not for a plucky child. So Malcolm McDowell is my choice. Beated by a plucky child. And the possibility of a ghost. There's none of that in the bank.

In the Christmas vaults. All right. That's my on the table. I mean, he's a good... If we've got like a big heist table, I'm plonking down his headshot. I'm going to put down Catwoman from Batman Returns. It was a Christmas film.

It was set during Christmas. And Catwoman is a great burglar. And she's got nine lives. Pretty much a job description. Pretty much. Wait, is Batman Returns definitely set during Christmas? Batman and Robin is set during Christmas, I'm pretty sure. Batman Returns is set during Christmas, yeah.

That's a lot of Christmas crime, Batman. Now that I think about it, there's a lot of Christmas-themed Batman stuff. All right, well, I've put down Malcolm and Mel. You've put down Catwoman. What have you got to bring into the table? For Burglar slash Pickpocket, I'm going to go Bad Santa himself, Billy Bob Thornton. Okay, what's your evidence?

He is an alcoholic and a sex addict. Perfect. Has he burgled? Yeah, he is literally... Yeah, he's actually a burglar. He's employed as a burglar. He robs department stores by getting his little friend an elf. Fake elf, not a real elf, obviously.

A sixth edition elf. A drow. He's not a real elf. A sixth edition elf. A drow. So yeah, pretty much what happens is he's a department... Jesus Christ, guys. Keep it together. This heist needs to be a success. You're right.

He's in a department store and he robs department stores. So we've kind of got three burglars here. It's just a matter of who's the best burglar. Well, you're robbing department stores. My guy's looking for treasure. Malcolm McDowell is after treasure in Home Alone 5 Holiday Heist. And I feel that Catwoman could easily crack a safe. But it could also be

bested by Batman. Yeah, but the Grinch ain't no Batman. No, but the Grinch could hire Batman. Oh God, we didn't even think about that. Yeah, we didn't even think about the Grinch having underlings. We'll get to that. We'll get to God, we didn't even think about that. Yeah, we didn't even think about the Grinch having underlings. We'll get to that. We'll get to that, but I think we have some issues. I reckon a combination, again, because we could fill in some roles.

It'd be a larger share of Christmas to go around if we get more people. I mean, that's fine. But that's the whole purpose of Christmas. I can cope with that. So if Malcolm McDowell and Catwoman are working as a team, so maybe Malcolm McDowell is planning out the burglary side of things and Catwoman's actually doing it because he yeah yeah like a sort of a brain my guys just drinking yeah you're too risky Billy Bob you you have but he could take a whole dependency he can take bullets like a champ doesn't Christmas gone it have a gun? I don't know. A Christmas

gun. A Christmas gun shoots tinsel bullets. Look, let's keep Millie Bomb. They feel like normal bullets. Let's just keep him because there's another role which he might be good at, but we'll keep him in reserves. Alright, so next role we've got the driver. Tim Allen from the Santa Claus.

With the powers of... I think I've discovered a problem though the powers of Santa? Santa whom's still alive? so you've just hired Tim Allen pre-murdering Santa? so just Tim Allen but it's not the death of Santa it's just Santa's clothes

so I think it'll be a long conversation of like Santa, look we need your clothes just Kenya I will be chilly but look we need a driver. Just, can you? I will be chilly. But look, we need a driver. Will I get them back? You're like, well, we need a driver. And he's like,

what's my clothes got to do with that? We've got Tim Allen here. What evidence do you have that he can drive? Tim Allen, the actor. From the Home Improvement television show. Yeah, look, he's got a kid. He's gone through a divorce. I think he'd be good at driving a sleigh once he gets your suit.

He's a dad. He's a dad. He might be able to drive a sleigh. Give me your coach. Why is a sleigh a getaway car, by the way? No, it's good because it can fly. Well, my choice is going to be bringing back my old pal Argyle.

He does drive a limousine. He does have a limo! And a phone! We can keep in contact with him. I suppose, that's pretty good, but I'm going to say Tom Hanks from the Polar Express. He drives a train! He drives a goddamn train that can go anywhere. So we'll finish the heist, get out, he'll just be there, and he'll be that can go anywhere. So we'll finish the heist

get out, he'll just be there and he'll be like all aboard! And we'll just jump on the train and get hot cocoa and cheese Plus all of the room on the train to keep the Christmas Although Polar Express that movie was very fast and made a lot of people sick. We're gonna get motion sickness on this train. That's true, so I mean

motion sickness, taking Santa's jacket I feel like Rufus is Rufus, Argyle Rufus would just rap shit for us and we'd be like, gotta get away that's a car that's been wrapped in Christmas paper I feel like Argyle

is the best choice here now we're down to our last two roles the muscle and the fall guy so muscle first, easy, die hard John McClane, I don't even think we really need to discuss that wait turbo man and John McClane as like a fucking force

back to back fighting crime Arnold Schwarzenegger just punching dudes with Joel McHale John McClane just shooting shit being like barefoot And just walking through glass That's fucking awesome yes

I'm there I'm very on board with this That was easy that was a good one Alright Fall Guy do you have one Jackson Fall Guy fuck I didn't even think I don't I don't have anyone I've got two options.

The one, we get bad Santa back because he's a drunk. That's true. He was so drunk, he didn't know he was robbing a bank. He thought he was. And also, would we really be bad if he went to jail? It could do him some good. It could do him some good. Maybe he'll just get rehabbed as well.

In fact, at the end of the film, he does go to jail and it does do him good. See? There you go. Helping him out in the Christmas spirit. Or... Thurman Merman, though, is just sad and bullied to death in that situation, though. He's ruined a child's life. That's always a downside.

Some good, some bad. Just because you looked at me confused. The kid from Bad Scent Up. The fat, weird kid. I got that. Thurman Merman. What a name. Or... Good stuff. Jesus Christ. Our fat weird kid. I got that. Thurman Merman. What a name. Or, good stuff,

Jesus Christ. Our Lord and Savior. Our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, as a full guy because you'd know he'd do it. We'd be like, hey, it's for our sins. Come on. In the true spirit of Christmas, just give yourself up. And the thing about

Jesus is he'd be pretty easy to convince because Jesus doesn't want to say no. He's to convince. Because Jesus doesn't want to say no. He's the kind of guy that doesn't want to say no. If you're like Jesus, I need a lift. And he's like, well, I'm at home. Jesus is a yes man. He's a yes man. He'll come out and help you.

I think Jesus is a really solid, bold guy. And who can fucking blame Jesus? He wants to get Christmas back. He wants it in the name of himself again. He'd be like, that's a good, solid guy. The police would be like, you're under arrest. He'd be like, I'm Jesus. I did it. Arrest me. And they'd be like, oh's a good solid guy. The police would be like, you're under arrest. He'd be like, I'm Jesus. I did it. Arrest

me. And they'd be like, oh, we don't really want to arrest Jesus. And then in three days... Last time this happened we looked like the biggest jerks. He'd then arrest him, he'd go to jail in three days, he'd come out and be fine. I think Jesus is the best fall guy. He's a good fall guy.

What a fall guy. Us is a mastermind. Santa is a backer mhm the Grinch as our target yep Kevin McAllister as a tech expert

good con man distraction inside man kind of thing is uh buddy the elf slash maybe a

maybe a bit of Rufus on the side yeah Rufus from love actually uh burglar slash pickpocket probably gonna go with Catwoman

I feel like Catwoman, but we'll keep Malcolm McDowell there. I think Malcolm McDowell's a good, you know, just, what's that call? When they're like, you know,

over the thing, like, yeah, you need to go down this thing. You need to go down that thing. He's like a recon guy. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. He's walking on the radio. Malcolm McDowell and Selina Kyle. Yep. Best buds in this burglary. Best buds in this burglary. Because Selina Kyle also fills in the role of woman that we needed

we do need one so we've got that Driver we've got I'm gonna go with Argyle yep our boy Argyle our boy Argyle I think Argyle was a good choice

he's got a phone he's got a phone and a limo we can all fit yeah that's true and then Muscle, John McLean and Turbo Man

slash Arnold Schwarzenegger from Jingle All The Way he's just so stressed we gotta get out of here you know everyone knows the cover everyone is thinking and Turbo Man slash Arnold Schwarzenegger from Jingle All The Way. He's just so stressed. We've got to get out of here. You know, everyone knows the cover. Everyone is thinking about the cover of that film. It's just Arnold Schwarzenegger looking stressed.

And the fall guy, our Lord and Saviour. JC himself. All right. Okay. Solid. All right. So step one of the heist How's this going down? Okay well we're going to need tech

And what tech are we going to need? What are we getting Kevin McAllister to make us? Phones so we can call Argyle Okay Kevin McAllister is going to make us phones Out of like fucking walkie talkies Are we going to do like a Drop down the roof sort of thing For Selina Kyle to like do the safe cracking stuff

Okay so we're going to need walkie-talkies. Let's work our way backwards. Alright? Oh, alright. We're starting inside the vault? We're breaking out? It's a jailbreak. So there's a safe, so we're going to need access to that safe. So how are we going to get into the safe?

Are we going to need codes for the safe? We probably are. Our inside man will have to get that information. Okay, so we're going to need Buddy to get codes for the safe? We probably are. Our inside man will have to get that information. Okay, so we're going to need Buddy to get codes for a safe. Okay, no, I'm sure he can do it. He can pester his dad. Yeah, I mean, he's a naive little guy. He needs to be petting the Grinch.

Come on. Give me the codes. I feel like the Grinch will relent eventually just to get him out of his sight. He's just like, I just want to go spend some Christmas again I just love Christmas so much Grinch is like ah Jesus I'm gonna roll around in Christmas Christ here's the

coats we don't need Rufus we don't need Rufus I fired him very early on poor Rufus he's already got a job in a convenience store anyway he's fine he doesn't need Christmas Department store, not convenience store Okay, so Buddy's got the code

So he's going to wire them to Malcolm McDowell Who I guess is rocking our recon And he is going to let Selina Kyle know, but you're right We need to get Selina Kyle down from the roof So who are we How are we doing that? Turboman

Yeah Flying Selina up So who are we... How are we doing that? Turboman. Yeah. Flying Selina up. Flying up on the roof. So then we've got access on the roof. Yeah. And then we need Kevin McAllister. To connect some bungee cords together. And like fucking sheets and dooders.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Tie them around selena carl lower in yeah so to go through the vent system so yeah we're gonna need malcolm mcdowell that we need schematics we need some schematics of the of the malcolm mcdowell can do that he's malcolm goddamn mcdowell it was hack into the mainframe or something yeah so he's getting there with the schematics going so it's malcolm mcdowell in um argyle's limo out the front yes that has a little bit sort of set and he's using argyle's phone as a wireless hotspot, so he's got internet connection.

Good on you, fucking Malcolm McDowell. Good on you, Argyle. Fucking good on you, Argyle. I don't know why Malcolm McDowell's the one using it, but yes, good aim. If it wasn't for Argyle, Malcolm Dowell, we should have luck. So well done, Argyle. All right, so that's...

Alarms, because we're probably going to trip alarms, let's be honest. All right. All right. No, actually we're probably going to trip alarms, let's be honest. All right. No, actually, I don't think... If the only person entering the bank is Catwoman, I don't think alarms are an issue. Okay. No, but if it's like landing on the roof, that kind of stuff,

I think there's going to be some sort of alarms. Do banks have alarms on their roof? I think the Grinch would. I feel like the Grinch would organize something. I feel like the Grinch is going to have comically oversized missiles on the roof. Well, I guess we're going to need John McCain then to... John McCain.

John McCain. Like the chips. Or like the person that ran for president? John McCain. We're going to need him to go in and disable the missiles then, probably. I don't know how he'd go about disarming

stuff, he'd be good at shooting it He'd be good at being the recon dude while Malcolm McDowell, again, being the bit of the micromanager being like, alright, so Selina and John McClane kind of going down Do you have a little moment where you're like, is it John McClane?

Is it McCain? No, it's not It's McClane, so they're'm freaking out now. Is it McCain? No, it's not. It's McClane. So they're going to have to work in unison. So Selina is doing all the, she's doing the getting Christmas. And while John is sort of going around disarming stuff. Okay. And also guards. Yeah.

So I think John McClane is going out and he's cracking some necks, shooting some dudes. Okay. What is Turbo Man doing on the roof? Is he just there to protect Selina Carr while she grabs the safe? All right, good. So now Selina has the Christmas. Okay, she's bundled it up in her Catwomanly arms.

All right, so we're just getting Turboman to pull. Yeah, Turboman pulls it up whilst JC walks into the bank and does a riveting sermon, which is sort of like a big distraction. And the Grinch is like, I don't know what's going on. He's going to hear Rob buy Christmas. And they all swarm on JC. Perfect.

Now, none of the guards, I mean, we took out half the guards with John McClane. The rest of the guards are out there trying to hassle JC, who's just standing there like, I'm fucking Jesus. I don't give a fucking shit. I would just be like, throw the first stone,

because whatever, Jesus. Turn the other cheek, something, something. He's just like standing there, and the guards come out with the gun, and he's like, throw the first stone because whatever jesus turn the other cheek i like to think he's just like standing there and the guards came out with the gun he's like throw the first stone motherfucker like making fish and bread you appear all right solid so that's happening there there are no guards we've got the christmas okay what's next well again argyle our main man, our boy his limo has a fucking sunroof just open it fly in so, Turboman holding Selina Kyle

is going to drop into the top of the limo chuck the Christmas in there with Malcolm McDowell and then just chuff off but we've left two of our dudes in the fucking bank we've got John McClane still there and we've got Buddy still our dudes in the fucking bank. Oh, fuck. We've got John McClane still there. And we've got Buddy still there. The moment shit goes down, the Grinch is going to know something.

I think Buddy might die. I think the Grinch might, like, you know, Buddy will be like, oh, what's this? And the Grinch will be like... And he'll be like, you're a mean one, Mr. Grinch. Poor Buddy. I was going to say he could be like at the end of his shift, that's when he gives the codes, but I kind of like we're sacrificing one of our

team for this heist. Hey, sometimes you've got to do it for Christmas. Sometimes, yeah. To make Christmas, you've got to break a few eggs, and Buddy is our egg. And Buddy is the egg we've got to break. John McClane, I would trust, would be able to shoot his way out of that situation. He's fighting his way out. He's surviving. He'll be a bit bloodied. He'll be mad at us.

What do you reckon he'll do? He'll go up to the vents and roofs. Everyone thinks he's gone. And then later on, Turbo Man can come back and pick him up. Yeah, exactly. In more John McLean style, he'll go to the roof, he'll strap some C4 to a chair, and then he'll just bomb the bank. He'll use the fucking sheets

and jockey straps that Kevin McAllister's using to drop it. Just attach that to the chair, hurl it back down into the safe room. Yep. All right, so have we left anybody behind? No, Buddy. Buddy is a sad casualty. It's just to know that the grinch means business.

Yeah. All right, that's what Buddy's role is here. He was an inside man. There is always a sacrifice in a highest being taken down. We gotta do it. We have to do it. Sorry, Buddy. So that was if everything goes out without a hitch. That's our perfect idea. If this was a film, we would have explained that

and then people would have been like, was that the movie? And then it would cut back to us around the planning table and we're like, that's the best case scenario. But I have two major issues with our plan. One, you've got John McClane killing guards. He's a cop. He's not just going to kill people.

If they attack first, maybe but if they're attacking first we've already fucked up. We've been tripped. We've been caught. I mean the beauty of John McClane is that he's taking out half the guards before we're even having to deal with the guards. If they're firing first, then JC, he's not going to do shit.

The Grinch is going to see right through our fucking plan. All right. Fuck. To counter that, though, what's JC's miracle range? Like, could he create, like... JC's miracle range? Could he create like... JC's miracle range. 20 feet. Could he create like a wall?

Like Invisible Woman style just like barriers and shit. I don't think the late great JC has shown any style of wall building. Forcefield. If there's like water... That's what I was asking.

I wanted to know if he could do that. Can Jesus Christ make a forcefield? If there was some water, he'd walk the fuck all over it. If there was like... Yeah. If there was one thing you need many of, oh, fuck, he'd be right there.

If you want to turn a liquid into another liquid, that's your guy. If you want to raise from the dead, again, he's your man. Buddy, he's living. Buddy, that's a good way to get Buddy back. That's true guy. If you want to raise from the dead, again, he's your man. Buddy, he's living. Buddy, that's a good way to get Buddy back. That's true. All right, what was your...

Okay, we still need to sort out the John McClane problem. My second issue, while you guys are pottering that, second issue, we've got Catwoman robbing a bank. What usually prevents Catwoman from robbing banks? Of course, a Batman. Damn, oh, damn. We are not prepared for Batman. Like, I will put that on the-

No, we are. John McClane is a cop. Batman's a vigilante. John McClane's going after Batman. Yeah, but then who are we taking? Frosty the Snowman. Taking out the guards. He gets-

Frosty the Snowman has no morals. We're bringing him back in. We're bringing Frosty back. Get him on the phone. Frosty, we need your help. Frosty comes in with the hat., we're bringing him back in. We're bringing Frosty back! Get him on the phone! Frosty! We need your help! Frosty comes in with the hat. We drop him in with Catwoman.

He's made of fucking anything, right? So Catwoman can just, like, throw... Like the hat. Landed on the head of a god. That god shoots himself. But not before... He's shooting everyone else. And then himself. And then himself.

Brilliant. Frosty has no morals. Frosty doesn't know right from wrong. Frosty's just a goddamn snowman. Frosty's the wild card. On Christmas Eve, a lot of families are getting phone calls. I'm sorry, your husband didn't make it. He committed suicide after putting on a top hat,

and we don't know why. And then all we need, what's going to happen is that Jesus, JC, he's going to leave. He's going to be like, resurrect buddy who's going to pick up that JC's going to leave, he's going to be like Resurrect buddy, he's going to pick up the hat That's just lying innocently on the floor Scott Frank Batman though, so we just reckon

John McClane's just going to shoot Batman Batman's been shot at before and been fine But at least it'll distract him Enough so that Catwoman can take still Christmas Are we throwing Catwoman under the bus then? Because I feel like we're going to have to once John McClane has either been beaten by Batman or Batman's just fucked off on him.

Batman's going to come back for us. I feel like maybe, don't tell Catwoman, but when we're driving the limo out, maybe it's pertinent to open the door, just kind of chuck her onto the road. No, wait a second. Catwoman is like a disguise. I'm just going to not be Catwoman in the lim road. No, wait a second. Catwoman is like a disguise. Just get her to not be Catwoman in the limo. Oh, that's right. She'll be Selina Kyle and Batman will land on the roof

and be like, never mind. Is that Christmas? No, no, it's not. It's something else. Not at all, Batman. Get off my car. I'm calling the cops. I'm pretty sure that McLean can just take him down a little bit.

The more I think about it, I think the fact that John McLean, depending on him down a little bit. Actually, the more I think about it, I think the fact that John McLean, depending on how much shit he's had to put up with, he might just be gone ho by this point. Yeah. Yeah, that's true. We might have just killed Batman. Yippee-ki-yay, motherfucker.

I reckon we've either gotten Batman, or at least we've fought him to a stalemate. Yeah. At the very least, he's not a problem anymore. What about Gotham, though? We just killed Batman. That's fine. Gotham is not our problem.

Christmas is our problem. Christmas is saved. We may have doomed part of the world. Oh, well. But hey, Christmas. Two issues I see. One, again, involves Catwoman. She might have been a bad choice.

Go on. Catwoman, known betrayer. Catwoman's looking out for number one. And you know who else is? Kevin McAllister. Also looking out for number one. I mean know who else is? Kevin McAllister. Also looking out for number one. I mean, Frosty might not know right from wrong. Kevin McAllister knows right from

wrong and still does wrong. Well, this is my issue as well, is because after the caper is done and we have Christmas, there is always going to be at least one person who betrays us. And so I think Catwoman and Kevin McAllister are good choices to team up and fuck us over

and betray us all. But is that going to happen afterwards? Or is the moment that Kevin McAllister pulls up Catwoman, he's going to pull out a gun and be like, sorry, turbo man, bang. What does he say? He's like, eat that, you dirty bastard. And he'll take them down.

What's the line? Something, you dirty animals. Merry Christmas, you filthy animals. And keep the change. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's what he's take them down. What's the line? Something, you dirty animals. Merry Christmas, you filthy animals. And keep the change. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's what he's going to say. He's going to shoot Catwoman. No, no, I think him and Catwoman are in cahoots at this moment in time.

No, but they still look out for number one. They're going to betray each other at some point. Initially, they're looking for themselves. So, yeah. Turboman pulls out Catwoman. Yep. All right. And then he's like, sweet, I got you.

Callister's coming up with his homemade jetpack just with a gun. He's like, thanks, Turboman. Bang, bang, double tap to the head. Yeah. Him and Catwoman, like, off we go. They've gone out with Christmas. There's fucking Malcolm McDowell with Argyle in the limo. Like, what the fuck is just happening?

What do we do now? We're fucking having a cigar with Father Christmas in his pad and we just hear over the fucking Argyle's radio to us. Phone. His telephone. Telephone. Like shit has gone down. Shit has gone down.

Christmas, you know, has escaped. And then Selina Kyle and Kevin McAllister battle it out. Who wins there? Who wins in a battle between Kevin McAllister have to battle it out. Who wins there? Who wins in a battle between Kevin McAllister and Catwoman? Catwoman. Kevin McAllister. But wait a second.

Why do either of them want Christmas for themselves? Well, I think, well, Catwoman's always going to fence it off to someone else. For dollars. Kevin McAllister knows he has to protect Christmas. And he doesn't trust us. Yeah, Kevin McAllister is snapped. Kevin McAllister is he has to protect Christmas And he doesn't trust us Kevin McAllister is snapped Kevin McAllister is a sentinel of Christmas

He's basically got PTSD So he's going to want that Christmas All to himself so nobody else can touch it Unless we Have some kind of fail safe Some kind of person Who is working for us as well That can stop Kevin McAllister

Might need to sacrifice Kevin McAllister as well Is what I'm thinking The moment we pull up Selina Kyle If we could hire Batman Okay In on this as our double agent Alright I'm down Who could be like I'm gonna fight off everyone

And pretend I'm working for the Grinch But really I know what's gonna happen And I'm gonna take out Macalester and Catwoman, and Christmas is saved. Okay, good, good, good. We've got Batman on our side. Batman is not going to help us rob a bank. But he'll help us save Christmas.

And it's from the Grinch, who is very corrupt. The Grinch is like the penguin of the Christmas world. The Grinch is almost a Batman villain, weirdly disfigured and obsessed. And speaks in rhyme. Yeah, like the Grinch is almost a Batman villain. Weirdly disfigured and obsessed. And speaks in rhyme. And green. These are all things that are Batman villains. Exactly.

It was the Joker way that stole Christmas. Actually, so the Grinch would have hired Bruce Wayne to do all the tech for the bank. All right. And so Bruce Wayne is also our inside man with Batman being a bit of a double agent. So the moment we pull up Selina Kyle with the Christmas and Kevin McAllister

is rocketing up in his jetpack Batman clocks fucking Selina Kyle in the neck and then flings a goddamn batarang into Kevin McAllister's homemade goddamn jetpack. Saving Turbo Man. Saving Turbo Man who then flies down into the limousine. Ah!

Ah! All right, we solved the roof situation. Do we have any other problems with our holiday heist? I think we just saved Christmas. Okay, so who's left then? Turbo Man, John McClane, Frosty the Snowman, Buddy. Because JC... Post-resurrection. Post-Resurrection Buddy, Zombie Buddy,

and Malcolm McDowell. Yep. So, Argyle. Argyle. Argyle. So that's seven ways, plus the three of us, ten. I'm thinking about splitting the take of Christmas. Plus Santa, who's gonna want it back?

I feel like I don't want to give it to Santa we've gone to a lot of effort for this you also didn't include Batman in that oh I didn't, that's true, Batman needs a share because that's a lot to share between everyone no actually Batman wouldn't want a share he's just doing it for the greater good but it is just for the greater good

isn't that what the true meaning of Christmas is? nope don't we learn a lesson? Nope. I want the Christmas all to myself. Yeah. More presents for me, motherfuckers. I think I might betray.

I think we're all going to, at least me and Dusha are going to betray you. Oh, no. That's nine ways. I think I'm okay with nine ways. I think I'm okay with nine ways. Somehow that's better. So once we get confirmation the mission went to plan,

me and Jax are just shooting you. But what about Santa, though? Oh, fuck. I forgot Santa. Let's go to ten. I don't like that anymore. Don't get me wrong. I'm all for like, if we're doing a betraying thing here,

like, okay, I'm bored. Who do we betray? Each other. We're the masterminds. Where are we going to get the biggest take anyway? Yeah. Kevin McCallister and Catwoman have been fucked off. Yep.

Malcolm McDowell is just a guy. Yep. I think our biggest problem is going to be Santa because he's magic and Batman. And Frosty. Who and Frosty? Nah, I think Frosty can be on here. I'm going to put on Frosty's hat.

I'm just going to fucking, and then get him to kill everyone, and then I'll take it off. No moral problems for me. Frosty's hat. I'm just gonna fucking and then get him to kill everyone and then I'll take it off. No moral problems for me. Frosty murdered everyone. Frosty did the killing, but when the cops are like, his fingerprints. Frosty has to be on your side to kill

things. I'd be like, hey Frosty, you want extra money? He'd be like, fuck yeah, man! Frosty's so fucked up. He's too much of a wild card for that to happen. He might... Because Frosty would have to take the hat off. He might never take the hat off.

You could be Frosty. You could be Frosty the whole life. Don't team up with Frosty. It's a risk. It's a risk. I'm rich and frosty. Who cares? You wouldn't be.

You wouldn't even be anymore. You would be no longer exist. You've experienced fucking ego death. Yeah. The moment you put the top hat on. You are no longer Joel Dusha. You know what one of the problems with that plan is? A strong breeze.

Sleeping. I feel Frosty would just staple gun it to your head. Nail gun. Then I'd die, then Frosty would... Just be a hat. So Frosty needs me just as much as I need a clear conscience. So you and Frosty Working together attempt to betray us

I attempt to betray you but I have no magical Christmas character on my side So I feel like I just get shot or stabbed By Frosty's icicle fingers I want to be like on team Santa Batman And be like we just want to save Christmas And that might be where they get you Yeah I think Samet, Santa and Batman

Teaming up against Dusha Frosty Or Dosti. No, Frusha. That sounds like a yogurt. Sounds like a nice color. I think they win. I think Santa, Batman, and Zammett get most of the take. No, no, no.

And do you know who gets to take that? Who? No one, because they're all way too good to split a bank. Joel Zammett, zero. No, because everyone gets Christmas. We're all winners now. Except us, because we're dead. Except for No, because everyone gets Christmas. We're all winners now. Except us because we're dead. Except for you because you're dead.

And I was like, Jesus, don't resurrect him. Just leave those two. That one is frosty. And Jackson just lapped at one of us and died. I want all the Christmas for me! at one of us and die. I want all the Christmas for me! Okay, so our heist went off without a hitch.

Well, with several hitches. With several hitches and a lot of death. A lot of death. To be honest, it went a lot better than we were expecting. That's true. And the death mostly just came from us at the end when we inevitably betrayed one another. I think it was, yeah, there's no way that wasn't going to happen. That's why you don't get three masterminds, Santa.

That's on you. Yeah, that's Santa's problem. So, well done. I think we saved Christmas. I think Christmas sufficiently saved. And there was a few necessary casualties. But hey, that's what Christmas is about. That's what Christmas is all about.

And on that note, I've been Joel. I've also been Joel. I've been Jackson. Merry fucking Christmas. And have an alright, I've been Joel. I've also been Joel. I've been Jackson. Merry fucking Christmas. And have an alright New Year. Eat figgy pudding. What is egg? Hey, if you enjoyed Plumbing the Death Star,

you should check out our sister show. Shut up a second. Let's get your two favourite boys. Me and Jackson. Sort of like Plumbing the Death Star, but should check out our sister show, Shut Up A Second. Let's get your two favorite boys. Me and Jackson. Sort of like Plumbing the Death Star, but without the dead white. Oh, you mean me? Rude. Fuck off, Joel.

Anyway, as I was saying, search for Shut Up A Second on iTunes and Stitcher. We look forward to being in your ear holes soon.