Plumbing the Death Star - Do You Reckon You Could Beat Anakin Skywalker in a Podrace?

Episode Date: July 23, 2023

We did it. Five centuries of some of the worst podcasts anyone has ever produced. JD doesn’t think it’s that big a deal but Jackson wanted to celebrate the only way he know how: by watching the Phantom Menace (for maybe the first time) on a bus on his way to work. Now two little slave boys, one human and one foal, have big dreams in their little boy hearts of winning the biggest podrace this side of the Rim. It’s the eve of Boonta and Joel and Horse Joel must do their best to get out from under the oppressive ownership of a sick rock, convince the galaxies best known fry cook to sponsor them and acquire a podracer of their own by any means necessary. It’s the racing event of the season as rumour has it one team has an unlikely power source that may result in the best day podracing has ever seen.Buy our terrible merch here and check out the Bad Brain Boys on Apple Podcasts at apple.co/badbrainboys. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Ahem. Ahem. You're listening to the Sandspans Network. Hey everyone and welcome to this week's episode of Plumbing the Death Star. If you look at the number next to today's episode, you realise it's a big one, but I don't think it's important. I'm Joel. I'm Jackson. I'm also Joel. I think it's pretty important. It's pretty important. Five Hindi. Yeah. Uh, I don't guess. Name one good thing that's got the 500.

Exactly. And this is the podcast where we... Do you reckon you could beat Anakin Skywalker in a pod race? Okay, I guess we'll... Fuck that question. Let's do that one instead. Happy 500. I watch Star Wars. For possibly the first time.

That has been a mystery for 500 episodes of Poppin' the Death Star. Has Jackson seen any of the first six movies? Yeah. When you're watching episode one, was anything coming back? Some of it, parts. Got all of it. Things you could have potentially seen in GIFs or clips. Could I

feasibly beat Anakin? Am I, as is canonical in every pod race, am I also a young boy? I think you have to be little slave boys, yes. Okay, so I'll be a little slave boy as well. Yeah, you can't be a little free boy into Tatooine, come on. Okay, okay on okay okay okay so are we if we're beating anakin as little slave boys on tatooine so it's the bunta eve classic it's got to be the one he does in the race it's the most

magical time of year the eve of bunta so we're on anakin of we're on anakin we're on tatooine i guess it's kind of like you know know, as I'd seen in episode one. Do we have a Watto? Yeah. Let's say you've got a guy called Glunko Joe, who's an alien that owns you. And do we like pod racing? Well, it's up to you. You're trying to beat him.

Or is Glunko Joe's like... Glunko Joe. Glunko Joe. Yeah. Is Glunko like... What's he sound like, firstly? I'm Glonko Joe. Yeah. Is Glonko, like... What's he sound like, firstly? I'm Glonko Joe. Okay, he doesn't sound like Guado.

That's nice. No. He sounds like a rock that's sick. He sounds a bit sad. Is he just like... Joe! Joe! I want you to get on the pod right now.

I don't got much money. But you own two little slave boys. That's all I have in this world. Do you run a mechanic shop? I run a bakery. How are we going to get pod racing? I don't know. Do we work slash slave work at the bakery?

Maybe he works at that frog stall that The Jar Jar Binks steals frog. Because the first thing you're going to need is a pod racer. Anakin's lucky because he was building one. You, not so much. Yeah, that's... So we're going to have to do jobs, but we're slave boys so we don't get paid. I think

without a pod racer we're kind of fucked. We probably know Anakin and his little slave boy friends. Yeah, because Anakin's got a bunch of little chums. Yeah. And we hear on the wind, you know,

oh, Anakin's that little slave boy, he's building a Podrace. Yeah. He shows it off, too. Yeah. And you see, Jar Jar Binks gets his hand

stuck in it. Isn't it his tongue? Yeah. It's both. He numbs his tongue, but then he sticks his hand inside the engine. He's a big buffoon of a creature.

He's a moron. Yeah, a disgusting looking moron. Okay, okay, okay. You can steal it off Anakin. Oh, yeah. I was going to say, we see Jar Jar do that, and we're just like, you piece of shit. He steals from us, I guess, because that's going to come out of our wages slash hide, that frog he stole.

Yeah, that's true. If you watch the Bulbo, you know he is like the big bad horse of pod racing. Uh-huh, the horse that smokes. Yeah. He beats the shit out of Jar Jar until Qui-Gon tells him off or whatever. No, we're like, no, he should. And then Anakin does it. Anakin's there too.

So if you're at that little frog place, you see Anakin telling off Sebulba. Do we get money for that frog? Nobody pays you. We're getting hit. Well, because Jar Jar doesn't fully steal the frog, he just gets his tongue caught on it. So if you don't mind Jar Jar licked frog, it's still good. It's good to beat the shit out of Jar Jar Binks.

Yeah, I think getting a podracer is going to be tricky, because they are, the movie makes it clear that, I know that this may have passed you by, but they are expensive, and often it's like people that have them are sponsored, because it's a very dangerous thing to do. Well, that's the second thing you need, is a sponsor, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. Well, we need

both at the same time. Well, so, okay, two pod racers that I know of in episode one, okay. Obviously there's Anakin's one. Yeah. Anakin's one is sort of secret because Qui-Gon pretends it's his pod racer, right? That's how he gets a past Watto because he somehow built a whole pod racer. Watto doesn't pay much attention. Yeah.

But there's also Watto's old pod racer that Anakin used to race in until it crashed recently. So. Do we see it? No, you don't see it. But Watto's like... Was it destroyed? No, Watto says, it doesn't work anymore because you crashed it. And Anakin's like, I did my best to land it. And Watto's like, that's right, you're a good racer. So it might just

need some new parts. Hang on, have you been tricked by this and it's the same pod racer? No, no, no, it's different. Because he's like, you don't have a pod racer. And Anakin's like, I do have a pod racer. Did he repair the one that... Watto's old? I don't think so. I don't think that's racer and Anakin's like, I do have a pod racer. Did he repair the one that... What is old? I don't think so. I don't think that's the implication.

Look it up though. Could, could. I could have been tricked by episode one. Could you, could we perhaps maybe go to Qui-Gon and try and see

if he wants to sponsor another little boy? It is funny to assume that, because you don't know that Anakin's like going to be Darth Vader. You're like, there's just some guy

out there sponsoring little boys to win the pod race yeah this guy yeah this little boy he crashed water his old pod race he's not that good

another interesting thing actually with YouTube racing that I didn't think about until now is Anakin can only do it he says he's the only human that can do it

and that's presumably because he's full of midichlorians. Can I be a little horse boy? Yeah, okay. Oh, like a Sebulba. Yeah. A foal.

A little foal. Yeah, you can be a little Sebulba. That's fine. All right, all right, all right. Because then you can race. Dusha can be pit crew. Okay, how about this? Okay, if I can pick my species, I want to pick Sebulba.

Maybe he's my idol. Maybe I love him. Maybe I see him beating Jar Jar Binks, and I'm like, yeah. Yeah, that's cool. That's my hero. He. I want to pick Sebulba. Maybe he's my idol. Maybe I love him. Maybe I see him beating Jar Jar Binks. I'm like, yeah. Yeah, that's cool. That's my hero. He's a horse that smokes. Yeah, maybe I take up smoking and beat Jar Jar.

Okay. Sebulba's shape does seem designed to go in a pod race. Could I try and get into Sebulba's crew? Try and either get Sebulba's scraps. Okay. Or try and, because maybe I'm a foal maybe I can be like we're the same. Maybe help a little foal boy

who is also a slave. Does Sebulba have paternal instincts? He doesn't seem like he has paternal instincts. But Sebulba, yeah he's a kind of curious guy. Yeah. Yeah.

So back to the pod racer situation. Dilemma. It's hard to say. It's probably Anakin's butt because in Star Wars Racer Revenge, our video game. Oh, yeah. Watto is a playable character. He has a pod racer in that. Okay.

That's the only information about Wado's pod racer. So I'm guessing... So Wado used to pod race? Well, no, only in Legends. Again, the one video game. Yeah, yeah. Okay, so I guess that was his pod... He got it working.

He got it working. That's nice. Yeah, I'm going to guess that that took place... Actually, which game is this? I need to find out again. You got me in the. All right. We've sent you down the mines into Wookieepedia.

You enjoy Wookieepedia. All right. Okay. I reckon, I don't know if you could do it this race. Yeah. Okay. You think you got to let, you got to go let Anakin win. Because I think it just could be like, I don't.

Yeah. I don't know if I could beat Anakin this. Given the information that I have of I'm a little slave boy I am owned by a man who owns a bakery I have frog bakery I have no, I could

could I bake a podracer huh? Make a podracer out of bread? Out of cake? Cake racer? Yeah, make a pod racer out of bread? Out of cake? Cake racer? Yeah, make a pod racer out of bread. Well, I don't know what bread there is.

Okay, okay, okay, okay. What? There is bread. You pour water and it kind of fluffs up. What about this? What about this? Okay. Using our baking skills.

Sure. We make a big, like, we look at the pod racers around. Okay. And what we do is we do a bit of a, oh, Indiana Jones switcheroo. Okay. All right. So we cake a pod racer. Kind of like that game show Everything is Cake.

Yes. So when Ben Quadranaris tries to get in his pod racer, he falls through it because it's made of cake. Yeah. Yeah. And we'll take Ben Quadranalis' one, which I'm pretty sure blows up at the start. It does. It explodes at the beginning. All of his pods, the engines fly in all different directions.

So maybe not Ben Quadranaros. Not Bolt. He's got a pretty good one. Okay. Yeah. So let's see. Okay. Well, let's try and steal someone else's pod.

Okay. I think that's the best way to do it for this one. Yeah, fair enough. I don't think. I don't think you don't have the funds. I don't have the funds, nor do I have the junkyard access that Anakin has. Because Jackson's made us work at the frog stand. Oh, it's not even a baker anymore.

It's the fucking frog stand. I'm making a meat out of frog. Out of frog. You're just going to hope Dodd bolts eyesight so bad. He's like, was it always made out of frogs? No, no, no, no. Okay, I know what I have I know what I got

I got some things here I got a frog A cooked frog I've also got Jar Jar Binks Okay So If we can

Maybe make like a trap Right Jar Jar Binks is like Ooh delicious frogs Walks into it Gets zapped like he does Be like Ah

Hot so whoever's running Tatooine Is that person's Um uh pod race is damaging this person and my uh merchandise you should arrest him he gets got okay we take his pod racer you take anakin's pod wherever we're setting up well if you yeah okay anakin's pod racer probably would be the easiest one to get access to For the two of you Yeah Okay Well then yeah It's funny to get

Anakin Skywalker Well then we are Beating Anakin Because he's no longer In the race So I think that's unfair No I think that's alright If the Hutts

Remove and arrest Anakin Skywalker Qui-Gon Jinn is like Oh no Well they No they'd get Water right Oh that's true

Cause like At this point The Hutts look at Anakin like say A lamp You can't arrest a lamp. It's a bit of furniture. That belongs to Watto.

You've got to arrest Watto. Watto trained Anakin but famously bets against him in all the races. Yeah, he always bets on Sebulba. Yeah, he makes money by being like, Anakin sucks. So I think if Anakin gets arrested, Watto's fine because he's like, I hated that boy. Yeah, but the Hots don't care. That's still Watto's property.

You can't arrest Anakin. You can't arrest someone's car. They'd simply just kill Anakin. That could happen. That could happen. Leaves an empty pod race of view. Yeah, because... Maybe Watto can't tell the difference between humans.

So he sees you and he's like, Annie? And you're like, yeah. Young Simoba? Yeah. Wado's losing his mind a little bit in his old age. Yeah, because it's like when Shmi goes missing or whatever, no one's like, well, Shmi's in trouble. We've got to punish the owners.

It's just like, well, now you're down some property. That sucks. Well, yeah, you lose your car. You don't get punished. Well, it depends where you lose your car. You lose it in a no standing zone. Well, someone steals your car. The hearts aren't going to be like, well, time to kill Watto.

But if your car has driven over somebody, they're going to be like, well, now this is responsibility. It's something. So I'm hoping that like, well, now this is responsibility is something. So I'm hoping that there is like either we get rid of Anakin or Watto. I think Watto's fine. Yeah. Yeah.

I think Anakin gets put to death. Poor Anakin. He's like, yeah, well, then the victory doesn't seem as sweet. Yeah, we're not beating Anakin if we get Anakin in trouble because he is a slave boy.

So again, his punishment will simply just be death. Yeah, all right. So then you're going to take what? Dud Bolts? Bad Quadranaros again? Who's? I'm going to take Rats Tyrell.

I could take Rats Tyrell in a fight. Who's pod racer has the most electricity going everywhere? That's Bad Quadranaros. Bad Quadranaros because he has four engines. Okay, yeah. Because I reckon that one is the one I'd be using To trap with Qui-Gon I mean with Jar Jar Oh okay

So then you're getting But that one That's the one that explodes Yeah I don't know that though Okay So the race begins Well you also need to be sponsored So yeah

So I think if we get Ben Quadronellas Now because I don't know shit About pod racing Yeah I mean assuming I love Sebulba Yeah

Maybe I Oh maybe you've watched him Pod race Maybe I've watched him Pod race a bit Maybe that's't know shit about pod racing. Assuming I love Sebulba. Yeah. Maybe I watched him pod race. Maybe I watched him pod race a bit. Maybe that's my, like, I love pod racing because I love Sebulba. And I guess the cockpit is not really designed for either of us. It's designed for a diamond-shaped man. Yeah, certainly we can't get the two of you in the one pod race. No. Pod race.

Do you want to drive or do you want a pit crew? I thought we were... I mean, you could both try and squeeze in but that seems very unsafe. I'm happy to because you're a little horse boy that looks like Sebulba so you're probably better at racing a podracer than me because I'm a little human boy that looks like Anakin but I

don't have the force. You don't have the reflexes so when it comes time to turn your podracer on the side to go through an arch you will explode. Okay. Yeah. So you give me a pit crew. Can you, okay so pit crew. Can we potentially, how. So you give me pit crew. Okay, so pit crew. Can we potentially, how good are you? I reckon you're good at thieving? How, what's your-

Oh, yeah. I can steal stuff. What do you want your life to be in Tatooine? Are you a little slave boy? If you're a little slave boy, barely paid attention to by Glotto Fucko. Barely being paid attention to. I'm stealing everything.

All right. So I reckon if we could yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah maybe even get some information from like say Sebalba's pit crew? Okay, so now I'm not

stealing things I'm stealing hearing. I'm stealing Stealing hearing? You're stealing hearing. You're stealing sounds with your ears. Because if we get

the designs of Sebalba's thing because I don't think I would not have the wherewithal to be like flamethrower jets. Yeah, yeah. Because I reckon we could definitely retrofit if we got like a little bit of mechanical knowledge. Oh, so you're cheating with your pod racer? Well, we're getting-

Because Sebulba's cheating. We've already cheated. Sebulba's cheating. We've already cheated with the flamethrower jets. Yeah, do you know what I'm saying? We've gotten the pod racer off Ben Quadranalis because he's now thrown to a Sarlacc pit. Poor Ben Quadranalis because he's now thrown into a sarlacc pit poor Ben poor Ben

taken so soon using the information from Sebulba's like designs maybe if I'm just like a pod race head I'm like I love like you know

all these pod race maybe we're getting like I know what the design needs to be and maybe we design the seat yeah and in that

we maybe because now we need to figure out like we've got to test it and drive it and I'm hoping in that moment we realize that something's wrong with the engines.

So what happens in Bad Quadranaros is it just doesn't go. And then he slams the, he gets really cranky. He slams the button enough that his engines just go flying in all directions. Yeah, he survives there. Yeah, he's fine. I don't know, watching the pod race in this, if it's typical for so many pod races to die because i don't think it is because in the introduction that the commentator makes he's like so and so dodd bolt coming back from his you know like most recent victory or whatever like these are all people

who've pod raced before yeah but this must be the most deadly pod race that's ever happened because so many people blow up oh yeah well okay so i'm thinking when he's slamming the button, that's when he's under heaps of pressure. Yeah, high pressure. Absolutely. That's high pressure on the starting line. There's a giant crowd cheering him on or booing him. His family's there. Yeah, that's true.

Not their morning. His family's there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's pressing that button. His family aren't there in this version of events. Yeah, yeah. So we have to, like, first off, we've got to paint this. Okay.

We've got to take it into a like, a GTA garage and be like, it's a different color. Don't worry about it. Well, probably if you've never pod raced before, taking off one set of engines is smart because it's not going to look. Like, that's what's iconic about Ben Quadranaris. Everyone has two, and this one's got four. Everybody's going to know you.

We just used it for the electricity trap for Jar Jar. Yeah, yeah. That's great. He's maybe, Jar Jar is maybe a crisp. Who knows? We can't say. Okay. I reckon if we could, yeah.

Paint it a different color. Maybe if you're a... Do we have any mechanical skills? I don't know, Jackson. Do we? I say you can break it. Well, it's up to you. What have you learned?

You told us we work at the frog shop. Yeah, you could still in your free time figure out how to fix it. Are you working on the... We're slave boys. There's no free time. That's the whole thing. Are you working on, say, the fryers?

That's true. Are you doing all the mechanical stuff and making... How do you deep fry frogs better? Are you doing all of that with appliances? I guess doing maintenance

on the appliances, which is something we'd have to do because there'd be a little panel and Bonk Kronk or whatever his name was. We'll open the panel up and be like, get in there, I'm off sick rock.

Yeah. Okay, so you could be like, you're the mechanical guy, you're the guy who's like, you're the fry cook. You're doing all the engineering in regards to like- Because I guess you would need to know wiring and stuff like that to repair the ovens and fryers and stuff like that. Do you reckon there's much...

Do we sell anything else? Are we selling like coffees and shit? Yeah. Sure, you're selling coffee. A little kiosk, yeah? Yeah, it's like a little kiosk in Tatooine. I think in Star Wars, coffee's called calf. Okay, you're selling calf and lizard. The calf and lizard deal. You can be like the cook and I can be like, you know, the face. I'll take your money.

We want some lizard.. Who wants some lizard? You want some calf lizard? We got your calf lizard right here. Yeah. So I reckon if you're there, you might know a bit more knowledge of engineering. I think you'll be the only crew that doesn't have pit droids. Yeah. Which I like.

Every other one, they're like, oh, we're going to get, steal some pit droids. We reckon we could get some like. Because I don't know. I mean, like when the pod racers pull in for everyone else Pit droids coming up Pod race comes up for you You gotta get close I imagine it's really hot

Burn your fucking beard off I'm a little boy You were born with a beard Makes sense Could we get like cook droids And retrofit them out Oh yeah What's the difference between deep frying How different could it be deep frying a lizard and fixing a boner

Trade out a spatula for a drill I wonder what type of droid a restaurant would have Yeah Probably A knife cutty boy with many arms Yeah I'm just trying to think Yeah okay So whatever the droid is that's helping us cook.

Yeah. I imagine it's R2-D2, so an R2 droid with a knife that comes out the top and cuts. See, I was thinking like the assassin droid from Mando. Oh, IG-88. Or like not quite a droid, actually a cartoon octopus. But the cartoon octopus in the bar in Roger Rabbit. Yeah. Like many arms just grabbing shit all the time.

What about the guy, actually, you know who should help us out? Yeah. And I reckon we know him through our connections to restaurants. The guy that runs the diner in Episode 2. Oh, yeah! What's his name? Dexter Jetster! Dexter Jetster! He's on the pit crew? Yeah. Oh, no, no, no. He could be our sponsor!

Oh, that's great! Dexter Jackson gets slapped out on the side of Ben Quadrinaris' pod racer. For the tarnish of his legacy. Yeah! He'd just be like, boys, boys, boys, oh, you got a racer! Oh, good, good, good, good!

That's great, yeah. Dexter Jackson, great sponsor. Yeah. What's the name of his dyno? Is it Dexter's Dyno? Dexter's Dymo. Slam that on the side of the pod racer. I like the way you said it, Dexter Jack's a great sponsor. What's the name of his dino? Is it Dexter's Dino? Dexter's Dino. Slam that on the side of the park. I like the way you said it. Dexter's Dino. I think I said Dexter's Dino. Dexter's Dino. You're great, boys.

You know my name's Dexter, right? I hear X's as P's. What? I thought you were Dexter. Dexter Dexter. You thought my name was Depster Depster? We're in the frickin' Star Wars, brother. Brother, I'm a slave boy of Danu.

You got me some fucking slack. Depster Jepster? That's a weird speech impediment I have just for your name. Jepster Jekster. Right? That's you, yeah? No, I can't even remember. You got some death sticks?

I smoke on Paddle. I imagine you both do. I've got to be like my hero, Sebulba. Yeah, the horse who smokes. I'll be the horse who smokes junior. If we have a droid that could help us out. Yeah, all right. I'll find out.

Again, I've already got Wikipedia over my phone. So let's see. With our restaurant cafe connections. What type of droids help me? I'll say you can get a restaurant droid. But this is useful to find out specifically what a kitchen droid looks like. Because this will tell you what the translation is going to be to Pit Crew. What's their lead time?

I'm going to say probably get the same lead time as Anakin, which is about two days, three days. Kitchen Droid. Anakin has a way longer run in. Every time you watch him, I know you watched the movie, but it's like you weren't watching the movie. How'd you watch the movie? On your phone?

Yeah, for parts of it. Yeah, parts of it. There you go. Okay. I know that this isn't important to us in the pod race, but I'm very curious. I watched...

Just one day? Two days. Okay, over two days. Was it the first half on a TV and the second half on the phone? Yeah. And what were you doing a TV and the second half on the phone? Yeah. And what were you doing while you watched the second half on your phone? Coming into work today. So you watched it on the bus? Yeah, on the train. And the pod race took place in which part of the view?

Yesterday, when I watched it at home. Because I got up to the end of the pod race, that whole section, they were leaving. And then you were thinking, hmm, could my boys win this race? Yeah, I was like, could the boys win this race? Did they got the chutzpah? And then I was like, I should probably watch the rest just in case anything's relevant. It's not. Okay.

Yeah. You win the race or you don't, Emperor Palpatine still gets a job. Well, it depends, because if Anakin doesn't win the race, Anakin doesn't get off Tatooine. So I guess you also watched the movie wrong still. No, I didn't even think of that. But you're right. You winning the race will have far-reaching consequences for the galaxy. This is pretty important.

Yeah, maybe Qui-Gon survives. Yeah. No, Qui-Gon would still die because Darth Maul still wants to kill Qui-Gon. They don't go off-planet. What do you mean they don't go off-planet? Because they're doing it to get... They need the money. This is Qui-Gon's elaborate plan.

The whole pod race. No, they need the money to This is Qui-Gon's elaborate plan. The whole pod race. No, they need the money to pay for the ship parts to get off Tatooine. But if Anakin doesn't win, they don't get the ship parts. In fact, they give their ship to- Who attacks Qui-Gon Jinn on Tatooine? Yeah, Maul. Yeah. So Maul and-

Yeah, but Maul attacks Qui-Gon at Naboo. Yeah. So that doesn't happen. No, I know. So Qui-Gon, when he dies, happens on Naboo. But Darth Maul is still on Tatooine. Yeah. So they fight in Tatooine.

Different scenario. Different scenario. He could win. He could win. He could get shot in the back of the head by one of the many scumbags in Tatooine. Also, there's no weird doors to stop Obi-Wan from coming in. Yeah. That's true.

They could just double team T'Ark. Yeah. But they also do that in the movie and it doesn't go well. It doesn't really work out for them, no. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But this time it's in now. There's also no hole to jump out of to surprise Maul. Yeah, that's true. I reckon Darth Maul wins.

Sarlacc pit they could get into? Darth Maul might kill both of them, to be honest. Also, this is what a kitchen droid looks like. Whoa, he's cool as hell. He'd be a great pit droid. So the kitchen droid Looks like Whoa He's cool as hell He'd be a great pit droid So the kitchen droid Is like a mechanical spider Yeah

It's kind of got like Six arms Yeah but it looks like It's six arms But it looks like It is installed in a wall So that could be tricky We might have to

Make the pod racer Exactly When all the pit droids Are You two are Pushing a wall On a Like a trolley.

It's like a little segue. Yeah. We give that wall wheels. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Then it can come out. That can work as your pit droid. And he's got so many arms. He's got so many arms.

And we know the more arms you have, the better you'll be at fixing a pod racer. Yeah. So I reckon if we could retrofit or design our pod racer, because we've got two extra engines, right? Yes. I found the cooking droid with legs. We're okay. Oh, he looks awesome.

He's a great looking fella. It's a COO cook droid. Okay. So how many arms does Depter Jepster have? He's got four arms from memory. Okay. So he's got four arms. Our droid has six.

Yeah. You're rich in arms.'s got four arms from memory. Okay, so he's got four arms. Our droid has six. Yeah. We have four engines. I still think with two engines because I think four is too much. Jepster Jepster death? What? He actually only has two arms, actually, thinking about it. No, he's got multiple arms. Does he? Yeah. Now I'm really unsure.

He's got many arms. In every photo of him, it's only from the first, like from arms up, so it's hard to tell. I'm sure he's got many arms In every photo of him it's only from like the first Like from arms up so it's hard to tell I'm sure he's got multiple arms I don't know I thought he had four But now I'm doubting myself I was thinking if we could retrofit so somehow Our design of Quadracer

Using the skeleton of Quadranalysis If we could kind of try and make it look like It has arms Oh okay Yeah okay And what if make it look like it has arms. Oh, okay. All right. We're kind of keeping that sponsor theme. Yeah, okay. And what if, because the droid, the cooking droid has six arms, you take two of those arms.

And put them on the side of your pod racer. And the pod racer. So you're theming his arms. Our theming, yes, is multiple arms. Okay. I mean, yeah, fair enough. You can put them on the side of the pod racer. I'll say that.

Because then he could be pit crew and Oh You're going we're going so you don't need to even have like a repair thing in it because he'll be repairing the whole way I mean you still have More of like emergency ones where you can kind of go at it. Yeah, yeah, no that makes sense. That's clever I cannot find a photo of Dexter Jets. Oh, wait. No, he does. He's got four arms. Okay.

All right. Okay. Thank God. That took me so long to find this picture. Yeah. Four arms and stumpy little legs. Love the man. Every other picture's like this.

Every other picture's kind of a glamour shot of Dexter Jets. Which is pretty cool. How do we... Do we know him? I'm assuming we know him because maybe our... Gronkus Dunkus or whatever. Gronkus Dunkus is either like his nephew or like... Well, he's in the restaurant game, you know.

Supplies him with, you know, lizards or whatever to cook on wherever he is. Coruscant. Yeah, he's on Coruscant. We're on Tatooine. He's come down to watch the game, though. Although, is he Pit Crew or just watching? I think he's our sponsor. He's our sponsor.

Okay, okay, okay. I reckon he comes down. He's trying to get maybe the local cuisine. Like he's doing like... Fair. Going all these different out of rim places and tasting some stuff. Dexter just is... He loves our sponsor. He's our sponsor. Okay, okay, okay. I reckon he comes down, he's trying to get maybe the local cuisine, like he's doing like going all these different out of rim places and tasting some stuff. Dexter Jester's. He loves our frogs. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's a, look, I'm sure that this isn't going to be a surprise, but he seems like a slime

ball piece of shit. So I wouldn't be surprised if he's coming to Tatooine to, I don't know. To sponsor a pod race. Yeah, and also like earn money through, I don't know, or steal ingredients or buy things on the black market or something. Look, he loves a flutter.

Yeah. That's what I reckon. He loves a flutter and I reckon it's coming to Tatooine and kind of like almost I'm going to try in different cuisines

all around the world and see what I can bring back to my diner. Oh my God, these frogs are incredible. Yeah. And we're like, we're little boys

and we would love to be pod racers. We'll give you our frog recipe if you sponsor us in the pod race and he's like all right brothers yeah i don't care i don't give a shit do we think this will change qui-gon like how's qui-gon feeling when he sees everybody getting out in their pod race he sees one little boy anakin his little boy yeah then he sees another little boy get in the get in the pod racer because he knows that anakin wins because he uses the force do we think qui-gon's like is this another little boy get in the pod racer, because he knows that Anakin wins because he uses the Force.

Do we think Qui-Gon's like, is this other little boy special? No. How many little boys are on this planet? Well, I'm a little fox. Oh, you're a little horse. I guess he sees you down by the thing, and he's like, oh, whatever. He probably doesn't even register a thought about me. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

He just hopes Anakin wins so he doesn't end up stranded on the planet. Dexter Jetson might lose his dino, He just hopes Anakin wins so he doesn't end up stranded on the planet. Dexter Jetson might lose his dino, which means that Obi-Wan can't ask Dexter for advice on the poison needle in episode two. That's true. He could just go to his house where he's fallen on hard times. He seems to know Dexter. Yeah, but does he know him from the dino? That's a good question.

Or are Obi-Wan and Dexter friends? That seems crazy. They met at Tatooine. Yeah. They met watching you two race. They were both having a flutter. A Jedi is allowed friend. I guess Obi-Wan is friends with Padme.

Yeah, you're allowed friends. You just can't bone down. Yeah, well, you're not allowed to form connections. You can bone down. You just can't fall in love. Yeah. But I wonder if like- It's got to be transactional.

First lesson of the orgy, baby. Don't fall in love. Second lesson, Any holes are gold Yeah yeah yeah Yeah yeah yeah Yeah It's all The same in the dark

Or whatever Yeah yeah yeah Do you think But But Yeah If you're not allowed to fall in love Surely best friends in the Jedi

Although should also be Well you don't have best friends You just have friends Yeah Nobody's your best friend Yeah Yeah Everybody's just like You don't have to feel you just have friends yeah nobody's your best friend yeah everybody's just like

you're not allowed to feel any stronger on a certain level it's all surface level yeah no deeper connections so I guess well I guess when it comes to Dexter Jester

then that's probably one of Obi-Wan's closest friends because he's not allowed to be closer than that with people yeah that's true like speaking to

a shop owner is the kind of emotional connection you're allowed to have that's sad man that's somehow more emotional connection you're allowed to have. That's sad, man. That's somehow more depressing than not being able to have a wife. Well, yeah.

You can't form a deep, meaningful connection with anyone. You're not fulfilled by anything other than the force. Because, yeah, if you care for anyone too deeply, then they'll be angry at you. Yeah. Because that'll lead to corruption or the dark side or whatever. I care for my friend. Your friend. He's a shop owner. I barely know him.

Your friend's with a shop owner? What? His name's like Depster Jepster. I buy stuff. Because, yeah. Because it's the same with like the fucking, why superheroes have a secret identity. Yeah. Where Jedis don't.

So they're like, hey, if you care about someone, we can manipulate that to turn you to the dark side. Yeah, yeah, exactly. That's stupid. Oh, yeah. It's dumb as hell. Okay. Do you think that when the pod races, you're all lined up, it's about time to go?

First of all, how long have we got beforehand? Because I think if we have a little bit more than a couple days, there's at least some training involved. What about a week? What if I give you a week? Have we driven a pod racer before? A week from when we've got the pod racer. Okay.

Because Anakin, again, if you want us to beat Anakin in this situation. Anakin's been racing pods for a while. For years. And is force sensitive. And the only reason he wasn't going to enter this race is because he didn't have a pod racer. Yeah, because he crashed Wado's. And Wado was like, it's too expensive. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So I'll give you two years. Okay. All right. Two years racing pods, kind of like, you know, on the side. Okay. That means people would probably be aware of us. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah.

We might need to steal Ben Quadrinalis' pod race. You might have one of your own. Yeah, because I reckon we probably, okay, you're used in Tatooine. What else is there to do? We are owned by a guy, but it just seems that they don't really care a lot about their slaves. At least from Watto's perspective.

Well, no, Watto likes his slaves. I think that's the difference. Yeah, they're friends, kind of. But then he also does sell Shmi because he loses money on the Bunta Eve classic. Yeah. It's an easy complicated man, I guess. Watto's a man's a complicated man i guess yeah what is the man of much depth because what it makes the bet with obi-wan which he loses but he also makes a

money bet which he loses because he bets on sebalba which then results in him losing a bunch of money so then he has to sell shmi does he sell shmi because i heard she go off with yeah he's what's her name okay yeah like shmi is um owen laws's slave oh yeah owen laws's dad yeah sorry owen laws's dad but they fall in love right no right no no and the father because that doesn't become like i think that isn't there a thing like I treated her like my I treated her like a sister I think because on brews they don't fall in love no no like Owen's dad

oh maybe that's weird that's very weird yeah it's not good it's bad on Tatooine it's hard on the street so what I was saying is if they give it a spirit for it because it's tough like, you know There's like the speed bikes all those kind of failure to practice on We should just make a pod racer out of that just stick two speed bikes together

And use the speed bikes as the engines How fast is a swoop black go? Because that's what they're called. Yeah, swoop bike V pod racer. I think a pod racer is surely going to be faster. Well, that's where we're going to get a bigger engine. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I guess we've got this like two years to, you know. To acquire the parts.

Yeah. So I think it's going to be a thing of like, depending on how much we can do in the underground of like Tatooine. And if we are, you know, we are little slave frog boys. Yeah. Frog cooks. And if we're, you know, we're little slave frog boys. Yeah. Frog cooks. But we're also, you

know, we're doing some other side things here. Gronkis Donkis isn't paying attention to you. Is Gronkis Donkis, is this a front? Is this like a front? Is this the frog store

like? From the vibes of Konkle Donkle when I talked about him before, it seemed like he'd lost a lot of money. So I don't, I think he maybe should have made it a front and didn't is sort of the vibe.

I'm just wondering if he's like, you know, a puppet kind of like by, you know, the hot mafia or something like that. I think probably he pays them a stipend. So I'm just saying if we could do some like running, like some running jobs for them, like get into that kind of like lifestyle. How quick is a hoop bike or whatever? Hoop bike. Yeah. Hoop bike. 500 kilometers an hour, which is too slow. How fast is a pod racer?

Well, Anakin's pod racer hits 900 kilometers an hour. Okay, so we're half as fast on a swoop bike, but two swoop bikes together is 1,000. That's how it works, yes? Yes. If I get two engines, what if you... What if we then put the electricity between the two swoop bikes? They're like pod racing.

Yeah, okay. That works, yeah. There's going to be a lot of exploded swoop bikes in the future and past. In the junkyard, blowing up swoop bikes. Thank God you got such an inexhaustible supply somehow. Yeah, we sell frogs and swoop bikes. Thank God you got such an inexhaustible supply somehow. We sell frogs and swoop bikes. Drunkest Dunk is paying attention to any of the merchandise.

You sold a lot of swoop bikes today. You sold a lot of swoop bikes today, boys. He's too sick to pay attention to stock levels. He keeps stealing it from water's junkyard. When did you get a pit droid? He's too sick. He doesn't know what's happening. Deeply unwell, God. Yeah. When did you get a pit droid? He's too sick. He doesn't know what's happening.

Deeply unwell, man. He's deeply, yeah. You pretty much run the establishment. Yeah. Slowly poisoning him. Yeah. Well, you can't fly back anymore. No.

Well, are there any other vehicles that are faster than a speed bike that you could like? How fast? Let's find out. What are the vehicles on? Yeah. There's land speeders. There are land speeders. There's Landspeeders. There are Landspeeders. There's the speed bikes.

There's whatever the fuck Darth Maul's driving, which is a weird speed bike. Oh, yeah, that weird, like... Kind of like it's like a speed trike. I don't know what the fuck that is. So you could get one of them, and you could augment your speeder bikes. You just get like two speeder bikes duct taped together with an engine of say something else. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. So land speed is only go 250 kilometers an hour. You know what that sweet bikes is closer. I guess the blood fin is the name of Darth Maul's bike. That seems like it goes pretty quick. What probably doesn't reach 900 though. Yeah, so we've got

two years to R&B this. Yeah. And we can kind of utilize, if we're utilizing other engines or we can kind of be like, okay, let's grab

that, you know, Watto's engine. Yeah, yeah. Put that in. Anakin tries to drive it. Yeah, got it. Maybe that's why

Anakin crashed, exactly. Bloodfin is the fastest one so far. 650 kilometers an hour. Okay, okay, okay. So if we could get... And then...

Well, okay. We're going to have to... I mean, for an extra 150 Ks, we're going to have to take out Darth Maul. Worth it. And somehow get a second one. Darth Maul's not expected to be killed By two slave boys

Darth Maul is there He's got his double lightsaber Turns him on Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan are like Oh shit Two little boys With a frog Creep up behind him

Maybe Boom Give him a frog And then he reaches Holds out his hand To accept the frog He put a grenade in there. He goes to reach out the frog, and then someone else, like the other one, is behind him with a rock.

Yeah, okay. You're going to rock Darth Maul. You think one rock will kill Darth Maul? Oh, yeah. I think you're not even... You're tiny little boys. You'll rock him in the small of his back. Okay, we get another...

Well, it depends on what lumbar you need. What if we try and get Darth Maul? Okay, so... Yeah, we paralyze Darth Maul slam him in the back rack his spine with a rock

Darth Maul freezes up Qui-Gon's like what the fuck the force truly is mysterious well if Darth Maul okay so Anakin

I guess it doesn't matter yet cause yeah the race hasn't happened that's true we don't know if we've won yet.

Where else do you get this blood bike from or whatever it was called? The blood fin. It's made by Darth Maul. Made by Darth Maul? Yeah. Fuck, can we get him to sponsor us? Well, that's what I was going to say because if he's stuck on Tatooine, but he's only stuck on Tatooine if-

You win the race. If we win the race. So it's kind of like a- Well, he's there. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Because he could just be like- Go time to kill while he's-

You know, he's just there, like, you know,. Oh, yeah. Good time to kill while he's... He's just there, arms crossed. He's like, I want to get the fucking Jedi. God damn fucking Jedi. And the Hutts are like, ah. And he's like, whatever. Can't fucking do shit. We're like, we like your bike. Sponsor us in a race.

Give us your bike. You don't have to actually sponsor us because Depster, Jepster or whatever. Because we need your bike. Can you give us that? Well, because you could just be like, well, it's quite good to do it. He's like, he's sponsoring a little boy. And we're like, we're little boys. Well, maybe if you convince Darth Maul that the battle should be fought on the pod racer track.

Not, you know, a proxy war between you and Anakin. Let me see what happens. Darth, Darth, Darth, Darth, Darth. Darth Buddy. Buddy. Pal. Beautiful. So how about this? between you and Anakin. Let me see what happens. Darth, Darth, Darth, Darth, Darth. Darth, buddy, buddy. Buddy, pal, beautiful. So how about this? You give us that sweet bike

that goes a little bit faster than our sweet bikes. We make that into like a little bit faster bike. And then when we win and then Anakin is all like sad, you go up behind Qui-Gon who's like,

fuck my master plan and then you hit him with a rock. Okay. All right. I like that that's your one weapon. I guess fair enough. You're a little slave horse. You're a horse. You don't have shit. You got your powerful kicking legs and that's it.

I'm like, yeah, kill people with a rock, right? And he brings out a lightsaber. I'm like, the fuck is that? What the heck did he do? Could we maybe like... Okay, Darth. What if we use those lightsabers On the pod race somehow As weapons at the side

Or to try and power it Bit of both Well I was thinking either Just to kind of give myself a little bit of Clearance room Yeah okay Because we could put them on like something that kind of You know spins around

So that like it'll like Take out the side of wherever I'm going because you have to fuck it up. Where do you imagine it on your speeder bike blood thinner monstrosity? I'm trying to think. I'm imagining your Podracer is the blood spinner then connected by chains or something to two speeder bikes. Yeah. Okay. It's a three bike.

It's kind of a tricycle. And it's a blood fin. Blood fin. Blood fin. But also it goes faster than speeder bikes, so you'll end up with the two speeder bikes behind. Well, yeah, but we're using all three engines to try and make a speeder, a universal.

The Bloodfin, unlike other speeder bikes, has no shields and no protection because that is seen as a weakness by Sith. Okay. So really, if we're using the Bloodfin, we might as well just be using a pod racer. Hell yeah. But if you can't get a

pod racer the next best thing. Steal a bike. I'm trying to think of where's the best way to put one or two lightsabers on a pod racer to give you the best advantage. He's only got one that's just two. Double-ended.

Okay. You could attach it to the back, maybe. Yeah. Kind of like bullhorns in the back of some cars they've got. Put it on one engine? I'm trying to think of like, you know, if we put it on, say, the front. Yeah. But we make it like a, so we make it spin.

Yeah, okay. Make a big circle. Well, if you go back wheel drive kind of where the two speeder bikes are behind you and you're in front, funny because that means if you hit a wall, you're fucking done. But if you put a lightsaber on the front,

then that could work. That's a crazy looking... But then if you put the lightsaber on the front, you're pretty much using it in the same way as a cat uses whiskers. Yeah. To make sure that the engines fit behind you, you're pretty much using it in the same way as a cat uses whiskers. Yeah! To make sure that the engines fit behind you wherever you're going. Yeah, that's true.

That's not a bad way of doing it. Like, it spins faster. Yeah. And so then it just... I don't know how this spinning... The spinning is confusing me. You attach a rotating crank at the front. So it's doing a circular thing. How fast is it spinning? I reckon pretty fast. Okay, so we're not going to really be able to see this.

That's true. But you don't need to see if it's drilling holes. Yeah, good point, good point, good point. Good point, good point. I'm just trying to think of how can a lightsaber be effective of helping us clear a path. Well, it depends what you mean clear a path as well. Do you mean take out other races,

or do you mean like literally cut holes in things? Cut holes in things. So you're imagining if there's like a- Also, if it's not a spinning the way you're imagining it, there's still a dead spot in the middle because that's the hilt of the blade. That's true. You don't- Yeah, that actually doesn't really make a whole heap of sense, does it? Yeah.

Unless you can somehow take- This seems dangerous, but take the guard off. Oh, no, because the guard is what triggers the blade. It's not like the guard is just wrapped around the lightsaber that's always on. Could we use a kyber crystal and use it to make us go faster? Seems dangerous, but if you've already paralyzed Darth Maul with a rock, he ain't using it. So take the cracked kyber crystals out. Yeah.

Put them in our engines. Yeah. And just hope that it makes it go faster. It does feel like you're powering a Formula One car with a nuclear bomb. Yeah. Could that help? I think it'll make you fast and volatile. Hang on.

Dangerous. It feels like if you explode now, it won't be a tiny explosion. It will be fairly intense. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because at this point in time, I assume that we haven't seen Sebulba Yuzi's flame jabs. Because the idea of like killing

our other contestants hasn't even crossed our little brains. No, no, no, no. Because the moment that happens, it's like, oh, I got some ideas. Although, if you've been watching the pod racing, like Sebulba seems

like a shifty dude. So you might have seen it already. He seems like a shifty ride, but again, like officially, not so much. That's true.

If I'm reading like, you know, pod racer monthly, they're not going to feature that. That's true. That's a good point. I'm sure if a journalist was like,

I think Sebulba is cheating, they're getting their kneecaps gone. I kind of feel like cheating's part of the game, though. Yeah. Because Sebulba cheats, but everybody else plays dirty. But I don't know if they're playing dirty within the rules. I don't know.

Hard to tell. I also don't know, and maybe this is because I watch movies wrong, I don't know if that flamethrower thing is only for the game. I actually don't know if it's in the movie. Is it? No, I'm scared. I don't think it is.

I was kind of waiting for it watching. But I actually think it might only be for the game. He does a lot of other annoying stuff to Anakin. He breaks Anakin's engine. He throws a grenade back. He does a bunch of stuff, but there's no point where he uses a flamethrower. I don't think.

Not that I recall, but maybe I watched the movie wrong. What is okay to do? If we have a bucket full of fried frogs, could we hurl them at passerbyers? So Bulba doesn't get any trouble for throwing a grenade behind him. Well, Zaboba doesn't get any trouble for throwing a grenade

behind him. Well, yeah, who's watching? No, they have cameras. They've got cameras. Oh, yeah, true. Well, of course, if we can have a supply of frogs that we can hurl at other passerbyers. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah, I'm sure you could. I don't think you're going to get disqualified from a pod race. It doesn't seem like that kind of thing. Oh, I've got that lightsaber idea.

Okay, so with the arms. Yeah, that's right. You do idea. Okay, so with the arms. Yeah, that's right. You do have arms. I forgot you have arms on the side of your pod race. Because if we give him the lightsaber, anything coming towards us, he could try and deathly cut. Oh, okay. And protect us.

All right. Okay, well, yeah, all right. Fair enough. It might be better with blasters, to be honest. Yeah, all right. So you've got two arms on the front of the blood fin that have blasters in their hands. Yeah. From the kitchen drawer.

Yeah, because I reckon shooting anything coming towards us, like a grenade. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think that'd be useful. Protect us. Yeah, fair enough. Fair enough. So carbon crystals, basically, from what I... Every time I open Wikipedia, it's scary.

Yeah, it's how it's made. It's bad, dude. It's really bad. They basically can attune energy, which means that I think if you put them in an engine, they will make the car go faster. Okay. That's right. I call Podracers cars now.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. The only problem is Darth Maul's lightsaber will only have one. And it's cracked, which is also bad. But surely that's enough. Why is it cracked? Because he's bad. That's how you bleed kyber crystals to get them. But surely a cracked kyber crystal is still more power than whatever space garbage fuel everyone else is using.

But okay, we put it in one engine. That means that one engine's faster, which means we're going in circles. Put it in the bike. Could we use this kind of like Fast and the Furious NOS style? Where we hold on to the crystal and then just throw it in the engine when we need a boost. Well, because if you have like, you know, like, yeah, you see where you've got three engines. That one's in the middle, right? Yeah.

And then we can kind of have like a little button we press, which is this kind of like, oh yeah, bleed that crystal or whatever. Yeah. And then that gives us that little extra boost that we need. Yeah. It's dangerous. We can't do it for too long. Yeah.

But it gives us enough boost. Well, the way that it would work would be you'd probably have to press a button that would then just drop the crystal into the engine it's not a time period thing it'll just go until yeah that would be like because they turn on their like saber right yeah that's a button that's true that's true but i don't know if that could we can you know somehow you using sci-fi Star Wars bullshit... Make a thing. Well, I guess because it's dropping into the engine. It's usually like a regular engine that goes...

Yeah, I know engines. Yeah, and then that one occasionally, where we've got to go real fast, kind of like in the boosts in... Yeah, like NOS, I get you. Press the button, it goes... And we can't go too much, because it overheats, and then it blows up.

I mean, worst case scenario, you drop the kyber crystals in, you just got to do like 20 more laps than everyone else to burn it out. All right, we got to do the race, okay? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. See, first question I want to ask, you got your kitchen droid on wheels?

Yeah. Oh, no, he's got legs, that's okay. Because I was going to say, there's like, they're like, all right, the race is starting, and all the droids leave, but I feel like yours would be way slower. Yeah, it'd be slower, but he'll get out of it.

He'll get out of it. Okay. First section is just like a bunch of pillars. Yeah. Yeah. You can avoid them. Yeah. Yeah.

That's fine. You're okay. I think, yeah. Not currently using the kyber crystals yet. No, yeah, yeah. Because we need the- You really want a flat plane to drop that kyber crystal in because if you drop- But that happens later on.

Yeah, exactly. Is there jumps in this? It's only one lap. No, it's three laps. Is there any jumps? I don't know how the swoop bike ends. No, there's no jumps. There is in the game, but in the movie not. But if you get knocked

off the track, there is a jump. So you've just got to be careful. Oh, that's right. That's where Anakin ends. But that's how he beats Zbulba. I don't know. Are you trying to attack any of the other... No, because our cart is far more fragile. Our cart.

Our pod racer is more fragile. Yeah, that's true. That's true. We're more exposed. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you think you could get through one of the... So after the pillars, there's like one of those tight holes for a curve. Do you think you could make it through one of these tight little...

I think we're losing straight off the bat. We're losing our two swoop bikes. there's like one of those tight holes for a curve. Do you think you could make it through one of these tight little... I think we're losing straight off the bat. We're losing our two swoop bikes. Yeah, because the bikes just can't... The pod racer can turn on its side. Your swoop bikes just can't. Could we use like... Is there chains we can kind of move them in and like...

How have you attached the swoop bikes to your blood spin? Blood fin, sorry. and kind of move them in. How have you attached the swoop bikes to your bloodfin? Well, I was kind of using frames and that kind of stuff, and kind of welded them all together. Well, that's how you're going to... I'm just trying to think, how big are the swoop bikes in terms of width? Oh, you might just be thin enough. I don't think so.

And also, we're just using the engines, right? I just assumed we were having the actual just swoop by some chains. Because they've got to hover. The engines aren't going to hover. You'll lose the swoop by. Which means now we're just doing the race in just Darth Maul's speeder bike. Yeah, trailing two chains by. Which is going to be dangerous for the other people.

That's true. Which is good. I reckon if you've got two chains dangling behind you, flinging two chains behind. Yeah, yeah. Which is going to be dangerous for the other people. That's true. Which is good. I reckon if you've got two chains dangling behind you, flinging about like crazy. Do we get disqualified, though, immediately because we're no longer racing in a pod race race with a pod racer but instead a bike? You can still win the pod race in the game if one of your engines has exploded and you spiral over the finish line. Yeah, but that's still a pod racer. Yeah, well, we are, this is currently, we're calling this a pod racer. Yeah, well, we are, this is currently, we're calling this a pod racer.

Define a pod racer, officials. And they're like, okay. It's one of these. See what everyone else is driving? It's like if you won a Formula One race and during the race you broke your Formula One car and it revealed that much like Batman's Batmobile, there was a motorcycle inside your Formula One car.

I think that would be fine. I reckon. Yeah, because you're not going as fast now. I don't know about that. But I reckon because you were already entered in the pod race, they're not going to disqualify you now because they'll look like idiots. That's true. They would have had the inspection to be like,

this is just three bikes strapped together. Yes. We're like, yeah. And you're like, well. There's nothing in the rulebook saying you can't enter three bikes strapped together in this pod race. I like Joel Zammert's rules of it's okay to use a different thing

in a race if the thing that you're racing against is faster. If you're in F1 and it falls apart, you're in a crash or whatever and that reveals a bike I don't know what would happen. I don't think you'd be disqualified. I think there'd be a lot of huh you would i think they would disqualify you on the spot i think that would be like you're out you're out of the race i don't think that you

can race in a that's like winning a game of basketball with a football what if you crash your car yeah just before the finish line and then you run over the finish line. And then you get out of the car and you run over and jump up the finish line. Nothing. I don't think they would count it. You cop a DNF. Yeah. Is that? Yeah.

Because it's not just, you just, because if it was, you just need to get over the finish line, it could be any vehicle. Yeah. Because it's specifically Formula One or Podrace. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You got to get over the finish line in said vehicle. I've definitely seen or read that in fictionals and other kind of racing kind of things. Like in Cool Runnings where they pick up the bobsled

and walk it over the finish line? Or in Wacky Races where sometimes Dick Dastardly gets flung over the finish line? Yeah, yeah. Is it Jason Chaser Hover Car Racer by the beautiful Australian author Matthew Riley? Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. That happens where him and the rival, they crashed their cars, but then they

have to, or they hovercraft, then they have to basically foot race and leap towards the finish line. And like they grabbed that one, grabs their helmet, I think. And it's like, that is like the photo finish. Yeah. But yeah, I don't know. That sounds like a very exciting book. Genuinely worse.

Yeah. I think that's his best one from what I've heard. And what's it called? Chaser, Jace of the Mike. Jason, Chaser, Hovercar Racer. It's kind of like Jason the Argonauts, but if Hovercar Racing as well. It's pretty good. He's the guy who wrote that book about what if China got a real dragon and put it in a zoo.

Really? Yeah. Anyway. Is this the Ancient Wonders or something? No, this is a separate book called The Greatest Zoo on Earth or some shit. And this is Matthew Riley, right? How many books he writes a year? I don't know.

Heaps, probably. No, I think he's just... Contest was really good. Yeah. His books read like... This is when I read them when I was a kid. They read like action films. Yeah, yeah.

They get option, but then they like fuck it completely. And then they revert back, which is nice too. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So nothing ever gets made. I think, yeah, Jason Chase, the hover car racer, was optioned as either a cartoon or something like that. Oh, yeah. And nothing happened with it, which is a bit unfortunate.

Fair enough. Yeah. Yeah. I generally don't know what, because that would be an insane thing to happen in F1, but I genuinely have no idea what the rules would be. I reckon they would just be like, did not finish, does not count. Yeah.

It's our F1 race, not a bicycle race. Yeah, it's part of our, because that's the thing, it's not just, we're not using the blood thinner. Yeah. It's part of the car. It's part of the pod race. Yeah. And we've only lost, we've lost two thirds of our pod race.

Yeah. Because they entered you as a pod racer, I think you're fine. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. All right. Doing the, but you're falling behind. Yeah. Because they entered you as a pod racer, I think you're fine. Yeah. Yeah, alright. Doing the, but you're falling behind. Yeah. Because you're going at,

what, 6,000k or whatever and everyone else is at 600. 650. Everybody else is at 900. No, sir. Anakin's is the fastest pod racer. Yeah. Okay.

And that's 900. So Bulba's is like 800. We're still falling behind. Yeah, but not horrendously. Yeah, fair enough. But the thing is, we don't have to, like, slow down

for turns. That's a bold claim. As much as they do. You got a smaller vehicle. Yeah. Yours will be the smallest racer on the track. If we're going max speed, right, 600, and we got to keep turning, they're going at 900. They got to pull back to 600, but then they got to like, or whatever it is, and then they

have to then accelerate further up. You know what I mean? Yeah. We're not, yes, but we have an advantage here we have an advantage with the crack in the wall yeah you've got an advantage with the crack in the wall

with any turn any straight and you're falling behind that's where the kyber crystal comes in and also any turn that's not a dangerous turn like just like

there's like loose turns well again max speed that's what if everyone's going max speed but it also seems to be we're more agile now. Yeah.

Well, after that hole where you lose two thirds of your vehicle, how many, yeah, I feel, how many other,

is at least our speed bikes, are they at least, or swoop bikes, sorry, are they maybe taking out someone else? Well, because the next section

of the race is like a bunch of really tight tunnels and tight turns. I imagine that's where your chains take out a bunch of other races. People aren't expecting to get wrapped around like a chain wrapped around them in a park race. But that's bad for us, too, because remember, Bloodfin has no shielding or protection because it's seen as weak. So if you get.

Well, that's what Maul has done. Surely we could design something or put something a little bit shorter. But then that's probably going to slow it down. Yeah. Okay. I think that... But then also, if you wrap a chain around our speed of bike to a pod race... If I'm going 600 down a tight cave

with our chains flapping in the wind, because they're going to be straight behind us, right? Yes. And when we move, it's going to wobble a bit. If you move to the side, the chains will, yeah. Yeah. So if they hit somebody,

that's going to ripple down now. Yeah. So hopefully, look, I reckon we could take out two other pod racers before and hopefully the chains, we can just detach them. What you're going to hope is that it just,

instead of wrapping around the vehicle of someone else in a pod racer, it hits like one of those ones that's got a kind of open roof and you just, you in a pod racer, it hits one of those ones that's got an open roof, and you just tear A. Bandicott's head off. Or if we can see the problem there when it wraps around something, hopefully our blaster arms from the Cook droid can shoot the chains

so that we're fine, we're good. All right. Odie Mandrell, A. Bandicott, dead in the Tide Tunnels. Heads torn off. Rest in peace. Unfortunately, the next section is a plane. So you're falling behind everyone at this point, I have to assure you.

So if we use the kyber crystals, how are they working? Can we keep, like, we turn them on, we turn them off, we turn them on, we turn them off, we turn them on, and that's it. You turn them on, you're done. You turn them on, you're gonna do everything else at, like, a thousand kilometers an hour. Okay, so? No.

Yeah, I wouldn't use them on this plane. I wouldn't use them on the first plane in the first lap. Yeah. This is a last lap situation. Yeah. This plane is full of sharp little rocks that poke up in the ground. Which is fine because we've got a speeder bike. I think you're okay.

The remnants of that chain may be kicking them up. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, no. How high off the ground is a speeder bike? Compared to a pod racer. Pod, no. How high off the ground is a speeder bike? Compared to a pod racer. Pod racers are pretty high off the ground. Oh, no, but the engines are lower to the ground. Yes, that's true, actually.

You know what? Yeah, I think the speeder bike thrives in this situation still. You don't have the speed, but you've got the rest of it you're fine with. We're not falling into any kind of sharp- We're also not that much slower if we're using moles, because apparently the average pod racer speed is just over 700 kilometers an hour. Oh, okay. So Sebulba's was already fast.

Anakin's is the fastest ever. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So you're not doing too bad. The next bit as well is a very gentle turn. So that's where you thrive, maybe? No, gentle turns are where the pod racers thrive. Oh, yeah. Because they don't have to slow down.

So, like, yeah. So we're kind of keeping pace with, like, the pack, I would argue. We're also... We're, like, more towards the back of the pack. But if we're back to the back of the pack, they're making, like, air resistance that's not going to be a problem for us, so we could maybe just, like, scoot on past them.

We could be all right. We also will not do well in situations where the pod racers are close together, solely because if we get hit just slightly, like a bump, like with the pod racers that happen. They get balanced out by their engines. They're balanced out by their size. So the bumps a Bulba does, which does damage Anakin's pod racer,

that would just kill you. Yeah, but we're tinier, right? Which is bad. No, because then we've got the agility we can kind of move around. We've got more space to... Hope you don't get here, basically. This is a David Goliath situation.

We've got to use our strengths to our advantage, our weaknesses to our advantages here. So we have to use... We're small. We've got to go in between. But we're not that much smaller than like the actual pod of a pod racer.

You're just smaller than the engines. You're smaller than the overall pod. Yeah, and we are smaller than the cockpit type. Not really. No, it's still the same size. You've got to remember, Maul's like a full-grown man, and he fits in the board. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And like Anakin's like, you know, if anything, we're probably a little bit bigger. We would. We'd be bigger than the pod because they're sitting down. Yeah, that's true. You're kind of setting up. Okay, so if we have like, say, a motorbike versus a, just a size comparison to help my brain.

Yeah. So we're in like a motorbike. Are they also in a motorbike or are they in like a two-seater car? You're in like a dirt bike. They're in like a Harley Davidson. All right. I would say. Yeah. The sizes are pretty much the same.

It's just the engines that are different. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And you don't have engines. Yeah. But that does mean that you don't have engines. Yeah. But that does mean that you're less to hit. Yeah.

I just think we could use that. But it's just like stuff like if we end up in a situation, like if there's a pod racer behind us gaining on us, that's game over. Because if we get stuck in between the two engines. Yeah. And agility also isn't, like we can move out of the way sort of But that slows us down

If I was to hurl a frog Yeah And it catches in between the little zappy bits That will numb the frog Well What you gotta do is throw it in an engine I was just gonna say will that disrupt the connection No

Because fucking Jar Jar Binks goes and sucks it And nothing bad happens to him So you gotta throw a frog in the engine If someone's behind you you can blow them up that way drop the connection? No, because some fucking Jar Jar Binks goes and sucks it and nothing bad happens to him. So you've got to throw a frog in the engine. If someone's behind you, you can blow them up that way. Alright, so we just

have a... That's what Sebulba does with a grenade. Let's have a bucket of frogs we can just kind of be hurling out if anyone's gaining. Are you both in the podracer?

No. No, I'm on the sidelines. I think it's tricky to do both. Yeah. To pay attention and throw frogs behind you. I think if you've only got one person in the pod racer, you've got to be focusing on racing.

What if I have the arms? One is shooting. Okay. One is frog-hilling. Okay. One's on the front shooting. Yeah, one's on the back throwing frogs. Throwing frogs.

I'll allow that. This is a crazy-looking pod racer, but I'll allow it. It's even crazier at the start when we still have the two swoop bikes. I'm unclear whether or not your swoop bikes are behind you or in front of you still. I don't know where they were. Well, the swoop bikes are slower than the pod fans, so they'll be behind us. That's funny. But then we'll go faster the moment we lose them, which is straight away, which is good.

Yeah. Then there's another wide curve. Yeah. Okay. So you've fallen behind. Then there's another wide curve. Yeah. Okay. So you've fallen behind. Then the next thing is Tusken Raiders. You're getting full on shot at. And there's nothing to destroy.

It's just a bullet. We are Tusken. Yeah. So they... I love the Tusken Raiders as well, by the way, who aren't doing it for any reason. They just hate the pod racers. They hate the pod racers.

Okay. So I think because we don't have the engines, and that seems to be the best thing for them to shoot is the engines, that we might be like, we are a smaller target. You're a smaller target. That's true. Smaller target. But we are lagging behind.

And also, if they hit, they kill. You know when lions are chasing a herd of, say, I don't know, gazelle. Yeah. And this is, gazelle. Yeah. And this is a gazelle lagging behind. They go, what are they saying? Too easy. Elderly. That's true.

I need a challenge. Yeah. Give me the one at the front of the pack, thank you very much. Healthiest and youngest. That's what I'll attack. Not oldest and most unwell. Yeah. Okay.

How are we going to protect yourself against getting shot by a Tusken Raider? Well, now, JD, can you remind me famously, what does our blood spinner not have? Our blood fin does not have shields of any kind. Yeah. Okay. Well, this might be where you die. This might be where we get shot. Well, that's also bad because that cave, which I don't think we've discussed yet, the cave on it is full of crate dragons, which is also bad because we're just exposed.

Yeah. See, this would be if I'm like, okay, maybe now is when I use the crystals to get away from the... That's a good idea. Okay. But now we're going at hyper speed and everything. Is this...

Could we use this moment to go off track, kind of like Anakin, so we can maybe try and find a shortcut. Okay, so you're going to kind of try and do like a Mario Kart 64 on the first lap. Yeah, and how much can I not, how much can we

avoid? The crowd goes silent as your podracer rockets into the sky and becomes just a blip on the horizon. The commentators have nothing to say because they've never seen this before in a game of podracing ever. into the sky and becomes just a blip on the horizon. The commentators have nothing to say because they've never seen this before in a game of pod racing ever. Okay.

Yeah. I think that might be where you die. I think you're shot by Tusken Raiders unless you can manage to do the rest of the course at hyperspeed. If there is a way of like, if it's like a lightsaber, you turn it on and off and that kind of thing,

you use it like short bursts. Sure, you could kind of avoid certain things, slow down. But if it's a one and done and it's on. And especially that early because you got so many more tunnels that are coming up.

The only thing I can think of is if we could use our chain like Ghost Rider. Yeah. Go on. Spin it. Hook onto a faster person and ride them. Skitch.

Okay. And then hopefully we can get through a decent amount of the course before we inevitably lose. So Anakin or Sebulbar are the two to latch on to because they're the two fastest. Anakin is behind most of the time. Oh, okay. He's behind Sebulbar for most of the race. I was going to say, because we're dropping pretty much behind

Go-One, right? We're pretty far behind. I don't know who is third. I don't know who is third either. Does Anakin lag behind a lot? No, no, no. Is it Anakin and then Sebulba?

Is it Sebulba, Anakin, a big space's just, they're up the front. Is it Anakin and then Sebulba? Is it like Sebulba, Anakin, a big space, us? Although, actually, at this point, the tall gangly alien, who I can't remember the name of, gets in front of Anakin. That's Gasgano, isn't it? Gasgano, yeah, and slows him down. And Anakin's going to weave out of the way of him, and it's very annoying for Anakin. He slows down quite a bit. So you could kind of grab him at this point. Yeah.

But he's weaving. So I think Gasgano. If we latch onto him. No, if we latch onto Gasgano, we're in trouble. Yeah, if you latch onto Gasgano, you're gas dead. God, shit. I think latch onto Anakin as he's behind Gasgano. Then he pulls in front.

That gets you in third. Okay. And then if we could kyber crystal at the end, what would happen to Anakin Skywalker if you kyber crystal'd through him? If we're chained and we kyber crystal, would we, sort of as we zoom forward, yanking him, would we end up slingshotting him to further first? Yeah, maybe. But then, well, it depends on when you do that, because Sebulba throws a grenade into

Anakin's engine, which detaches it. So there's a period of time where Anakin's only got one engine, and the other engine is kind of spiraling out of control. I was hoping we didn't attach one to that one. Gasconor finishes second. Well, there you go. Gasconor finishes the race. That's crazy. Good job on the Gasconor as well.

I probably would have gone to the Gasconor. Yeah, to be honest, because if Anakin is weaving and that, he's a hard target to lasso over. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Whereas if Gascona, oh my God. He's just driving straight probably. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Latch onto his really long neck.

Then he has to drive faster to escape the chain around his neck. I think if Gascona drives faster, his head will pop off. Yes. And land in your lap. Oh, yeah. Because that's bad because we're slower. So if he drives faster, we're strangling harder.

Yeah. I mean, you could climb along the chain into Gasgano's pod racer. I'm not that nimble. I'm a horse foal. Well, yeah, this pod race has ended either with you shot by Tusken Raiders, maybe crashing with Gascono's head in your lap. Or third.

Or third. Theoretically third. Or may actually, because if we, no, we're not. Okay. Yeah. Because if we then use our, how do you turn it off? Because if you drop the kyber crystal to kind of go edge out. So instead of having Gascono's head fall into your lap, it trails behind you.

Yeah. So at the very last moment or whatever, we can then like, as we've lassoed onto him, then just kyber crystal like zoom right on past him. Finish the race. Then what? Well, then you got to just keep, then you crash. How do I stop this? Okay.

So I imagine what happens. You lasso Gascono's neck. Yep. Because he's slowed down to try and fuck Anakin. Didn't expect you in the blood fin. Then you kyber crystal. You kind of careen through Gasgano's pod racer. Which is bad. Which is bad. Probably now you're on fire.

Okay, I was trying to have to go around the side. I don't think you have that much control for the first jump with the kyber crystal. You do not have the dexterity to move around. You're plowing through him like A-Train in the fucking The Boys. Yeah, Amazon's original. Amazon's original, of course. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Okay, okay. But I am a bit worried about the kyber crystal because kyber crystals are used to power a lightsaber. The Death Star is also powered by kyber crystals. So you put the kyber crystal in, do you accidentally just shoot, like, a massive beam of... Oh, no! Well, whoever's behind us, they don't finish. It's nice

to see that it was Anakin won. I guess us second. No more races. Everybody else was vaporized. Including the crowd, I assume. I'm moving, right? As you spin out when you reach the finish line,

maybe you just destroy the crowd. Probably Tatooine, Mos Eisner, or whatever the city's name is. Mos Eisner. It's something like that. Mos Eisley. No, it's not. It's Mos Efner or something. Mos Eisley, what's the cantina?

That's a different place. It's Mos-Efna or something. Mos Eisley. What's the canteen? That's a different place. It's Mos-Efna. Or something like that. Anyway, you destroy it with your pod racer. So you win, but at what cost? Yeah. Why can a lightsaber, same thing, also then power a Death Star? It just seems one is.

Well, I imagine on the Death Star they got more crystals. So we're just lightsabering. Yeah, I suppose actually it wouldn't be. An unstable lightsaber, right? You're probably not decimating all of Mars Esna or whatever it's called. Mars Esper. Yeah, that's right. Who knows Star Wars?

Johnny Star Wars over here. That's right. And you win the pod race. Yeah. Do we win? You either win or come second. Yeah. I reckon how far behind is Gascono?

What's his name? Gascono. How far behind is Gascono compared to, say, Anakin? Do we know the lead times? No, we don't have finish times. But he's competitive-ish for most of the race

it's only when Sebulba crashes that he's able to overtake Sebulba and gets a second but I think what's gonna happen is that if you start

jumping on the Gascon and you're fucking nossing with your kind of crystals we're gonna distract other races yeah exactly you gotta remember

Sebulba and Anakin are like this is between the two of us this is really what the race is about. These two having this race, so we're at the... Causing a serious harm. Like a fucking Muppet driving a car.

You fly past Skyver, Chris, and Link, Asghar, and his head falls into Anakin's lap. He's like, what the fuck? I'm a little boy! And then he crashes. Then we both crash. Sebulber's confused because Anakin died for unrelated reasons. Had nothing to do with him. You skid across the finish line and you're, well, you go across the finish line. Yeah.

So you, I don't think at kyber crystal speed you could do the race again. No. But you've won the race. Yeah. So where would you go next to just burn out the crystal? Can, is there a way to go into open dunes? Can the kyber crystal run out of energy? At what?

At what? I hope not. I hope you're just gone forever. Can, if one was to jump out at this kind of speed, Posada? Yeah, it's so great. Maybe that's how it ends. You careen across the finish line,

Dusher and the kitchen droid and the pit droid, Dexter Jackson. You're like, yeah! You jump out and are just ground down into nothing. Catch me! Dexter Jackson's in tears as the two boys he loved the most become a tomato paste.

Did he just say, catch me? How did he think I was going to do that? The bike just spinning out of control, just firing, just obliterating huge chunks. There's a huge beam. Flamming it to the stands, the stands are collapsing in. Shall I say the best move would be to try and cut off the engine? Let the engine do whatever it needs to do. Let the engine spiral out like a rocket.

While you just sort of hopefully slow down, but more often careen into something else. Because I think if a carbocrystal does fully break, there's a huge burst of energy, which makes me think that maybe the bike would just explode. Okay, across the finish line, blow up. You're like, what? Like an atomic bomb that went off in the most effort.

I can see the finish line. He's panicking. He's almost up there. I'm choking now Fucking Gastano It's gonna be alright I press the thing Like press the button

The fucking crystal Just unleashes Clunk The Jedi count I Just rocketing past Just me By myself

By a little horse boy Rocketing Holding onto a chain yanking Gustavo his head pops out whipping that in front it goes

over Anakin it lands on the finish line technically he's now in front I like we keep being like yup

if you crossed you have to finish the race in a vehicle he goes in front of Anakin. Anakin's like, what the fuck is that? And it runs over his head. You crossing the finish line, but just your own body.

Your feet hit the ground and just go right down. Your head runs like a torso in the sand. The crowd goes wild. This is the best day at the pod racing they've ever had. Did I win? Well, you maybe got second or third, depending on the rule of Gustano's head. Yeah. Well.

I think Anakin's still doing a better job than us. You didn't beat him. No. Yeah, I think. And you saw him die. And you sort of died. We did sort of die. If Darth Maul can come back from being bisected. That's true.

Maybe Jaws- Maybe I can come back from all this. Maybe Jaws- Maybe Jaws- Maybe Jaws- Maybe Jaws- Maybe Jaws- Maybe Jaws-

Maybe Jaws- Maybe Jaws- Maybe Jaws- Maybe Jaws- Maybe Jaws- Maybe Jaws- Maybe Jaws- Maybe Jaws-

Maybe Jaws- Maybe Jaws- Maybe Jaws- Maybe Jaws- Maybe Jaws- Maybe Jaws- Maybe Jaws- Maybe Jaws-

Maybe Jaws- Maybe Jaws- Maybe Jaws- Maybe Jaws- Maybe Jaws- Maybe Jaws- Maybe Jaws- Maybe Jaws-

Maybe Jaws- Maybe Jaws- Maybe Jaws- Maybe Jaws- Maybe Jaws- Maybe Jaws- Maybe Jaws- Maybe Jaws-

Maybe Jaws- Maybe Jaws- Maybe Jaws- Maybe Jaws- Maybe Jaws- Maybe Jaws- Maybe Jaws- Maybe Jaws-

Maybe Jaws- Maybe Jaws- Maybe Jaws- Maybe Jaws- Maybe Jaws- Maybe Jaws- Maybe Jaws- Maybe Jaws-

Maybe Jaws- Maybe Jaws- Maybe Jaws- Maybe Jaws- Maybe Jaws- Maybe Jaws- the deserts paralyzed to the ground bleeding from his spine because you hit him in the lumbar the right lumbar to just power he's just furious the two little kids ran away with his lightsaber and his bike he just got robbed fucking tatooine can't have shit in tatooine did we win oh no no but that's okay but 40 years later, Death Star probably blows up Tatooine as punishment for what we did today. Those little boys wrecked my race.

Alderaan, no. Yeah, Alderaan safe because they go for Tatooine instead. Alderaan, yeah, Alderaan safe. Alderaan, that's the one. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's nice. Well, some races you just can't win. No matter how hard you try.

Yeah, we tried hard. That's true. You gave it your all. There was a body count. Yeah. But sadly, silver or bronze. Yeah. Hey, you placed.

Yeah. And on that note, I've been Joel. I've been Jackson. I've also been Joel. 500 episodes. Going stronger than ever, I reckon been Joel I've been Jackson I've also been Joel 500 episodes Going stronger than ever I reckon It's a lot After 500 episodes, Jackson finally watched Star Wars Yeah, one

Don't really have much interest in watching any of the others It wasn't very good