Plumbing the Death Star - How Would You Cope With the Three Shell Dilemma in Demolition Man?

Episode Date: June 18, 2023

After being cryogenically frozen for several decades the boys have awoken in 2032 and need to shit real bad! Thankfully they still have stainless steel prison toilets for such an occasion. After scrolling through future google on their future phones while their sphincters slowly defrost they are presented with one of earth’s biggest mysteries. 3 shells. Stallone’s explanation is thoroughly examined as we all look at a diagram we hate and are perplexed to how Stallone thinks anyone is expected to pull shit out from ones own anus using two shells held like chopsticks. The future is covered in poopy, which probably explains all the germophobia. Our confidence is at an all time low as we’re all worried about passing the sniff test. Go on, give it a sniff! Is it clean?? No. It absolutely is not clean.Buy our terrible merch here and check out the Bad Brain Boys on Apple Podcasts at apple.co/badbrainboys. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Ahem. You're listening to the Sandspans Network. Hey everyone, and welcome to this week's episode of Plumbing the Death Star. I'm Joel. I'm Jackson. And I'm also Joel. I feel like I'm saying the intro wrong. You're doing well, dude.

You're already doing great. Today is... Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is a podcast where we ask important questions, like, how would you cope with the three-shell dilemma in Demolition Man? What? If you don't know. What do you mean?

You don't know the classic? Three-shell dilemma? I do not. It's sick because if people don't know Demolition Man and they haven't looked it up, by me saying the three-shell dilemma sounds like it's like a real... A riddle, like a real puzzle. Stallone, he wakes up. It's the future now. He goes to take a shit.

I didn't wear the toilet paper it's meant to be. And instead he's presented with three seashells. It's a bench. He's got three, I think they're metallic seashells, and they're just embedded basically in the bench. That's all we see. And you showed me a clip from this, and they

laughed at him, because he couldn't figure it out, because he was like, you're on a toilet paper. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then Stallone, not Stallone, the other guy, the guy, the Adam Sandler's friend. Rob Schneider.

He's like, he does make a SpongeBob noise. He'd make a good guy on Jabba's stomach. Jabba's stomach? Yeah. He's letting his cronies get into it. Jabba's stomach. That little guy. Jabba's stomach? Yeah. He's letting his cronies get into him.

Jabba's palace is looking pretty cool right now. That little fucker who's always like, Yeah, a little Max Grebo type. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You've got to call him Roy Schneider, the guy from Jaws, but Rob. Rob Schneider. Yeah, Rob.

Yeah, he laughs at him. And then, Sandy Bullock is like, Hell yeah. See, back in the day, they would use, you know, wadded up bits of paper just to wipe their ass like the barbarians they are. Yeah, yeah, exactly.

Idiot doesn't know how to use. And so then he starts swearing, which finds him in the future. And so then he gets a little bit of, like, I guess, poo tickets. Yeah, poo tickets. Swear tickets. And he uses that to wipe which I can only assume fucks up that plumbing

that plumbing is not designed for paper he racks it if it's designed for human shit paper but it's regular paper yeah

exactly it's not even toilet paper wipes don't meant to be like those bum wipes that are wet where they're like oh they're safe for toilet

they're not well they're safe for fucking up your plumbing yeah very much that's true sometimes the city's plumbing yeah whoa

I'm gonna try that why not it's not your house you just wrote it no no no fuck up the city's plumbing oh I see so when you're flushing

like you know those wet wipes used condoms whole socks I guess. I'm going to try all of them and I'll report back. Oh, you wipe with a sock? Where's it going?

Hey, don't. That's why you have like a separate bin for usually like your sanitary pads, other things, because they shouldn't be flushed. Yeah. And that includes bum wipes. So stop getting wet wipes. That's a PSA. Putting them in the poop.

Or wiping your ass with a sock and flushing it. Or flushing your socks for other reasons. Put it in the bin. Yeah. Bin your socks. Bin your shitty ass sock. Don't put it in the toilet. I do have a friend who wiped with a sock once.

Yeah. I think that's brave. Well, I think once. Like you were desperate? Yeah. I would say provided. Or wiped with a desperate, you know. Yeah.

What's the worst thing you've wiped with in a desperate situation? I've wiped with a receipt before. Glossy magazine. Like a new idea. Oh, no. Yeah. Then I had to go back and finish the rest of my shift. Oh, no.

At a service station. That's grim. That's presumably... There's nothing quite like, what has gotten me in this situation where I am in a service station bathroom that I work at? I know. Just then I was like, it was your job to replace the toilet roll.

Well, no, because we were attached to a Hungry Jack's. Oh, I see. And so no one ever told anyone whose responsibility was that toilet. Everybody was wiping with magazines. There was a standoff between us and a standoff with Hungry Jack's. But also being at a service station, presumably you sold toilet paper. Well yeah, but then what? I gotta just do a wonderful

waddle squat to pay for fuel? You fucking clean up a bit with the glossy magazine and then go buy the toilet paper. No, but he's not replacing it, that's Hungry Jack's job. Also, out of my money? No, I meant... Boss makes a dollar!

Boss makes a dollar. I make a dime. He makes a dime. That's why I shit. In a magazine. In a copy of New Ideas. A company dime. I don't know, I've never wiped my ass with something fucked up. So from memory I think, yeah, you had to just, you know, do a bit of clean up

and then, you know, go and actually, yeah, get the replacement. Yeah, okay. So you did what I thought you did. It's not just like, oh, well. Today's not my day. Never mind. I thought you were saying you cleaned your whole house

with the new idea and then you're like, well, good enough. Job done. No going back now. I think I went into an alternate queue. I think because the other two cubicles were full, so I had to wait till they left so I could go in and get what I couldn't get with the receipt. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Fair enough. I don't know the worst thing to do in the desperate situation. That would be okay, but also just horrifying. And all I can think of is a slice of white bread. Actually, like, the most horrible thing. I love this scenario where you've got no toilet paper, but I see it. I've gone, I'm like,

I need to get like a loaf of bread, pay for my fuel, and oh, I guess it's chumba. Oh, I need to take a shit. Oh no, his tummy's probably... Oh no. No toilet paper. I didn't look. I was too busy. All I've got is this loaf of bread. I know what the worst thing I've wiped

with before is. So I was shitting somewhere where it was like dog shit toilet paper on like a really piece of shit cardboard roll. But the cardboard roll was one of those ones where you could kind of unfurl it. Yeah, so I used the roll. Yeah, that's bad. That's grim.

Ah yeah, I think we've all kind of had either been there or been close enough to be like maybe this will be a good one only a couple of no no you do have this brief moment where you're like it's all paper yeah what's what could go wrong i was at like a slight advantage because there was like i had like two yeah two wives before yeah yeah yeah it's grim it's grim shitting's grim yeah now in this situation, the three of us unfrozen in time or whatever, you stare, you're on the toilet, you've just shat. So there's no going back. No. You look down three shells.

What? Now, my first point of call, I would be pressing those shells. Press? Thinking that they might be buttons. Oh, yeah. No, I get that. That's actually smart. And this is a prevailing theory online about what these buttons do and why is there three. Some people are like,

well, what if the first is like a bidet situation? Oh yeah? You press it, jet of water, squirts your butthole. Hot, cold, dry. Yeah! Second one is maybe like a drying... Hot, dryest temperature possible. Just absolutely scald my balloon nut. That's what I'm here to do.

Yeah, that's what we want. Second one... Hey, your toilet? Burned my asshole. Gave me first group burns on my asshole. We got a skin graft there. Is that possible? Am I shitting out of a colostomy bag now?

What's the deal? I press one. Lovely jet water. Cleaned it. I was like, well, what could happen next? I screamed for three minutes straight. You didn't hear me? Soldered my arsehole clean up.

There's no hole there anymore. Oh, you pressed the Santa soldering button. You hit that for your arsehole. It's for wounds. Toes from the future are crazy. The second one being like a dryer, something like that. The third one being like a talcum powder.

Yeah, that'd be nice. Something like that. A little perfume. Yeah, arse perfume. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's one theory. Make it smell nice? Did the days have perfume? They should. That's awesome. Make your arse perfume. That's one theory.

Do bidets have perfume? They should. That's awesome. Make your arse smell good. There was a company that did like poo puree, which was kind of like an oil kind of like poo puree that kind of sat on top of the toilet. So when you shat, it would be like go through a layer of like nice smelling goodness.

And then so you wouldn't be just, you know, sitting in your own stank for a bit. Yeah, because I guess that is a problem. If you're taking a long shit, goodness and then so you wouldn't be just you know sitting in your own stank for a bit yeah because i guess that is a problem if you're taking a long shit yeah yeah the shit fumes are just coming up to your cheeks and just hanging out there and then you've got ass cheeks that smell like ass hole that's true yeah don't think about that but your cheeks you got stinky cheeks yeah and but then you though because you're sitting there for a while you don't you know you become like you become acclimatized to it what do you reckon is like a plug your cheeks are plugging up the toilet so the stink doesn't get out yeah we just don't, you know, you become acclimatized to it. What do you reckon is like a plug?

Your cheeks are plugging up the toilet so the stink doesn't get out until you stand Yeah, we just don't notice it because you stand and flush. But like, no, I'm a guess. But also like, it depends. Because like the water line is meant to kind of also help. Yeah, help with the odor. Keeping that odor down. It's just like when you have one of them real long ones and it's like poking up the top and being like, hello.

And you're like, oh, things are bad. Is it America that have toilet bowls that are like really full of water? Yeah, it was strange shit in America. Like, because the water line is so high up, you get the longest turns.

It's strange. Gravity's not doing shit. It's very weird. I mean, it's doing a bit. Yeah. So this is the prevailing theory. He's not doing shit. It's very weird. I mean, it's doing a bit. Yeah. Anyway. So this is the prevailing theory. It's the buttons, right?

Yeah, okay. But I don't think that is the case because I feel Stallone, no matter what character he is playing, he's still a bit of like an oaf of a man. Yeah. But I feel that he would be touching those shells. Absolutely. He's got a rangatang. Yeah. You know.

I feel those. Like the moment you're there with three shells, you're like, I'm just going to press shells. Absolutely. He's got orangutans. Yeah. You know. I feel those. Like the moment you're there with three shells, you're like, I'm just going to press them. Yeah. And like I've sat on one of them fancy toilets when I was in a very fancy layover where I was like, oh, I get to go with the business class toilets. And oh my God, I never want to go back.

That's awesome. Charles Zammett can no longer travel because he can't afford it. Because he only wants business class. I only travel like I'm a sheep in the back of a truck. Yeah, never think you're above a sheep because the moment you are, like momentarily, you'll be like, I don't want, yeah, I got all this wool. I don't want to be a sheep. Don't put me back. We are not allowed a taste of the good life.

It's bad. It's bad. It was bad enough when we got like three plane seats to lie across. Oh, exactly. That was it. Yeah, absolutely. Because the next flight we took, we didn't. And I was like, I might jump out of this.

Yeah. What's the point anymore? My life has become horrendous. Yeah. Sitting on like a very fancy toilet. And they had like a lot of buttons. And you better believe I pressed every single one of them. But also, I got to assume if Stallone's sitting there, he looks at the shells.

He's not ignoring the shells. He one of them. But also, I've got to assume if Stallone's sitting there, he looks at the shells. He's not ignoring the shells. He will investigate them. And if by investigating them, you will press them. Yeah. And if he got his arsehole wet. Well, I think if you go to pick him up and they don't pick up, and you're like, oh, that's a button. I reckon, I mean, I don't know if

I can speak for everyone in the room, but I'm not pressing them when I'm sitting on the toilet. I'm pressing them standing up beforehand. He's scared of the arsehole, burned arsehole situation. I just know, but I'm not pressing them when I'm sitting on the toilet. I'm pressing them standing up beforehand. He's scared of the asshole, burned asshole situation. I just don't know what they're going to do. Well, it depends how close they are. They're on a bench next to it. You're right.

What would you think they did? Even with a, like, okay, so if I'm using a very fancy toilet that's got buttons I'm not used to, I'd probably press them before I sat down. Nah, you're desperate, though. No, I don't. You're desperate. And also pressing a bidet before you sit down, you're going to get bidet water in your eyes. Yeah.

Straight into my face. And now you get pink eye, dude. Wow, this water is pre-cleaned and arsehole? Yeah. It's one of those nozzles that just keeps extending. It's an animal. It's your animal. Maybe you don't understand what bidet is.

But you're clean. Very. is. But you're clean. Very. God damn, you're clean. Yeah. I would think, if I didn't think that they were going to be like a bidet. Actually, maybe that's a theory for what the three buttons do. It's like bidet, enema, colonoscopy. Check outside.

That's good. That's nice. Good to be able to check every day when you takeoscopy. That's good. That's nice. Good to be able to check every day when you take a shit. Just in case. Really keep on top of your colonical.

Really keep on top. That would freak Stallone out if he was like I'll press the button and instantly got like a screen thing happening.

This is insane. Is that it's like a little is that my asshole? Is that my shitty asshole? Oh, my God. I don't know if this has been told on air before, but it's a funny story.

But a friend of the show, Michael Shanks, went to an exhibition in Tasmania where the toilets there had set up mirrored contraptions so when you shit, you were watching your asshole open and take a shit. And he said... The appropriate term is dilate. Yeah.

Dilate your arsehole. And he was like, he was like, well, I gotta give it a go. He was so excited to go see it. And then he did it, and it was kind of like what happened when... Who went to space recently and got depressed? Well, yeah, somebody did.

Yeah, Shatner, yeah. Yeah, that happened to Michael Shanks, too. Yeah, because it was also like a tiny little screen. I think, because I wouldn't want to see it. I think I would be the same. I would be like, this is going to be awesome. And then when it was happening, I would be like, this is actually not awesome. Yeah.

And then I think I would close my eyes. It feels weird to close your eyes while you shit. It feels wrong. Yeah. Especially because you're hiding your own body from yourself. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's weird. I think I would think that they were, if I thought that, if there were buttons, if I

realized there were buttons, I would think they were buttons to call someone, and that's why I wouldn't press them. Like, they were, like, help buttons or whatever. I was thinking, are we going back to, like, groom of the stool kind of thing, where the king would have a little man who would just be like, you, sir, wipe my arse. That would freak Stallone out even more, I think, than a colonoscopy. I don't think I'd like someone wiping my arse. No, me neither.

I'd like to wipe my own arse, thank you. Yeah, it'd be like, I'm not a baby. Yeah. It's like, what if they did a worse job than I'm doing? And like, I can feel. Like my standard of cleaning is better than their standard of cleaning. But I guess they are down there And they are professionals

But I would also think That it's kind of like Somebody on a production line Yeah They just want to get out of What if they press the button And then like a robot Like a robot arm came out

Okay With like a Like a Mickey Mouse style Glove on the top of it I would think I was about To be jerked off by the toilet And then like a rag I was like

I was about to be Jerked off by the toilet And then you went And then makes fucking had a rag. I was like, I was going to get it off by the toilet. And then you went, and then it makes a gesture. The arm's up there. I pull out my now very erect penis. The arm goes past

and I'm like, what? Oh, what? Oh, what the fuck? And it wipes. Oh,

I guess it's going to finger my arsehole. Awesome. Well, it's doing a weird job. Oh, awesome. In the future to finger my arsehole. Awesome. Well, it's doing a weird job. Oh, awesome. In the future, Mickey Mouse is a robot that jerks you off. That's really cool.

Whoa. And then I just get wiped. Yeah. Yeah. They're disappointing. Then you leave fully erect. Hey, your toilet didn't jerk me off. Which button's the jerk off button?

Third one. Oh, you gotta press them all. Press them all at once off button? Third one. You could've pressed them all. Press them all at once. Hey, I'll see you in a couple of minutes. I was thinking, like, with the one, two, and three, I mean, okay, one is like a piss thing, a shit thing. Cum thing.

Cum thing. Very possibly cum thing. Very possibly. It is a toilet at a police station. Yeah. Well, maybe in the future they're more sort of like, you know. Yeah, it's important to come on the job. Well, maybe they're more free about it, you know.

Come in the toilet's not a big deal in the year 2030 something. Now, because you said something interesting, JD, where you would like pull at it. Yeah. See, I don't know if I'd ever, I would think that. Because I think they look inlet, like you press them, right? They look like insets, right? But we know that they're. I don't know if I'd pick them up. No, but like you touch them right they look like insets sorry but we know I don't know if I'd

pick them up no but like we you touch them yeah they'll move you're gonna immediately realize they're not buttons so you pick

them up so yeah so when they're not buttons you then would pick them up now this is to add some more like I turn it over to be

like what the fuck is this maybe something's under there like a pill you can take that wipes your ass or something yeah like maybe

it's like a yeah like maybe it's like a sea urchin that wipes your ass because the reason why I Maybe it's like a sea urchin that wipes your ass. Because the reason why I'm like, it can't just be buttons. Because even the very fancy bidets that we have today, there's so many options. And I can't imagine the beautiful future of 2032 that is Demolition Man where you can't high five, smoke, or drink.

You're not going to have many options. No swearing either. How do I get my kicks? I don't know, dude. Using three shells? Jerking off? You're allowed to jerk off. Who says you can't?

Okay, that's pretty good. So I think there's just like, I just don't feel we would be like lowering our options. No, we'd have more. Which would be strange, right? And so with picking it up, this does lend credence to something that Stallone himself has said, how you actually use these three shells. Okay.

Now, I'm going to say what he has said, and I want you to answer, was someone playing a prank on him? Was the screenwriter playing a prank on him when they told him? All right. So you have two seashells like chopsticks. Alright. So, you have two seashells like chopsticks. So, you hold two seashells like chopsticks, pull gently, and then you scrape what's left with a third. That's awesome.

So, two you hold like chopsticks. And then you start shitting and presumably pull the shit as you shit. You pull it out of your anus with the seashells. What? And then you use the third one to scrape. To give him credence of his, I guess, anus here, is seashells, scraping. That is something we used to do before toilet paper. People around the coasts, I guess civilizations around the coast, would use seashells, that kind of stuff, to scrape things off.

Wipe your ass with a crab shell. Yeah. Okay. In more, I guess when we became a bit more agriculture, we were using corn husks. I think there is also some there is like some

Wipe your ass with a corn salch. There are, I think there's some examples of using a gooseneck. It's a wipe. Wipe your ass with a gooseneck. A pass. That's good because when I'm thinking about wiping my ass with a goose neck, I guess. And no one's out. That's good, because when I'm thinking

about wiping my ass with a goose neck, it feels like I'm flossing my ass. And this also is like... Wait, presumably not still attached to the goose. Presumably. Or that would be a very docile or angry goose. That's a goose that's biting off

the tip of your penis as you're wiping your ass with it. Or a very angry goose. That's a goose that's biting off the tip of your penis as you're wiping your ass. Honk, honk, honk. Careful. Or a very defeated goose. Honk, honk, honk. I'm the greatest farmer alive. Honk. I floss my ass every day with this goose.

Which is, again, going on to more like his history of ass wiping. Yeah. The expression to like, you know, having the shit end of the stick. So he used to have like a stick, like a communal thing. This was in ancient Roman times, right? Yeah. It's like a stick with a rag, right? In the Roman baths and toilets and stuff.

He'd sit next to each other and share sticks. Yeah. So he'd have a stick. Intimate. He could kind of thing. And like, you know, I think it was either, was there a rag attached to the stick? Yeah, I think so. Or was it just like a scraping stick?

I think there was a rag on the stick. And so, yeah, you'd have like, you'd pick up the stick and you'd wipe. But sometimes people would put it like, you know, upside down. Play a funny on the stick. And so, yeah, you'd have, like, you'd pick up the stick and you'd wipe. But sometimes people would put it, like, you know, upside down. Play a funny prank on you. Yeah, and then you'd reach for it and grab the shit under the stick. Yeah, there you go. So, like, again, maybe there is credence to the shell. I don't know, but, like, you want to wash the shell.

Well, yes. But also, and this is a disgusting question. If you pull the shit out of your asshole, it feels like Stallone is implying that makes your arsehole cleaner. But I don't know how that would make sense. Because what? Well, yeah, because it's the same. I guess the sphincter isn't. It would be quicker?

It's not clipping it off. Right? So is that cleaner? I don't know. It's not pinching it off. We need an arse scientist. If your arsehole is dilated and then you're just pulling it out, yeah, it would be clean on it because it's not touching the sides as well. Or is it one where instead of, like, you're grabbing it and pulling it, you're using it, like, in your arsehole and then spreading it?

Whoa! So you're using the sheen shells as an asshole spreader? Yeah, like a speculum. Well, I mean, okay. Maybe not in, because that's intense. But if you put the two shells on the inside of your cheeks... And spread. And spread, then they're kind of acting as protection

against the shit going on the inside of your ass cheeks. And then use the last one to scrape away. Now, can you imagine doing this? No. Because you need both hands. And you're going to shit where your hands are. I've got to try. I can imagine easily doing one.

Jackson standing. Oh, you'd cramp. I mean, you would. Jackson, to give everyone an indication of what he screamed, you'd cramp, is he stood up, bent over a bit, and then moved slightly to the side. I'm just sitting. You could.

With enough lubrication, with those smooth shells, I can only assume how smooth they are. You could. And they could just... Okay, so he's pre-dilating. Yeah. Is that good? Does that help you shit more?

Does that help? Well, because also we know. Because it's a muscle that goes. Yeah. We know that having legs raised. Having your legs raised will help you shit more, but that didn't seem like it was part of, I guess we don't see. No.

There's no stool. There's no stool or anything. It's crazy that, like, there's a few things in human history that we just know are not the best way to do it, but we refuse to change. Yeah, yeah, absolutely. Like shitting, we should really have like a footrest on the toilet so that. Oh, sitting in general is real bad. Like chairs is terrible.

If we sit wrong. Yeah, that's good. Not even if you sit wrong, we just shouldn't be sitting this like often. Because like chairs are like, it's why we have like, you we have chairperson, head of the chair, those kind of things. Chairs is weirdly like, oh, a position of power. Oh, look at the king on his throne. For some reason, for a while, we didn't have chairs. So when chairs were there, we were like, holy shit, the important people in the chairs.

And everyone sits down. Everyone's like, oh, shit, this hurts. My spine. My spine is bad. It's kind of like when the olden days, like the wealthy, they had like little fucked up diseases. Yeah, they were unwell. They were like, oh, I've got gout because I don't eat well and I can't move. But I'm fat, so therefore rich.

Yeah, that's right. It's got thinnier tomato. It'll flare it up. That's awesome. Like, apparently planes would be something like 70% safer if the chairs face the other way. Yeah, but people are like, feels weird. It's scary to fly backwards. No, thank you.

Oh, yeah, that's right. It's because the way the human body is, all of our stuff that needs to be protecting, basically, except for the spine, is just bang on in the front of your guts. So if you crash a plane. Oof. You're all in a bread basket. You're going to get winded. At the very least.

Same thing, the QWERTY keyboard. Again, that's like a shit keyboard. Oh, yeah. It was meant to make you type slower, wasn't it? I think so, yeah. The typewriter, because keys wouldn't get stuck. Yeah, because if you moved too quickly, yeah. Isn't there a thing with stairs as well?

Yeah, I was about to say, I think there's stairs, but also I'm remembering you've told me this, so I don't know. Yeah, this could be a lie. What's the stair one? Well, I know that you can either design stairs for going up, this sounds insane, but I think it's true. Up or down. Up or down.

And we actually can't make stairs that work for both because it requires a different movement of the body to do either. So, like, ergonomically, stairs are either upstairs or downstairs, and we tend to be pretty cavalier with what we pick regardless of what's the most beneficial or whatever and that's why people fall downstairs all the time

because the stairs are bad I'm going up the stairs and therefore my brain is like people do be falling down the stairs all the time people be falling down the stairs left right and down because stairs are not designed for our legs. Exactly. They're designed for going up or down, but not both.

Yeah. I don't know how you could make it up downstairs. I think falling- Two sets of staircases. Falling down the stairs is, and this is a bold call, is like the peak crossover of funny and dangerous. Like, someone falls down the stairs it's funny yeah but it's also a very dangerous thing to happen to someone but that's probably

the most dangerous thing that's still just like funny if it's like falling down the stairs can either end in everyone laughing or you die yeah same with falling off a ladder also no see i think falling off a ladder is less funny that's just immediately immediately scary. More dangerous. True, true, true. That's what I mean. Like, someone falls down the stairs, I'm laughing regardless, even while I go to check on them. Someone falls off the ladder, my instinct's probably going to be like... Rush to them, make sure they're okay. No, that is true.

That is true. Yeah, you're like falling down, say, like a slope. Oh, yeah. Like a grassy slope. Funny. Funny. But that's less dangerous, I reckon. It can be dangerous, but it's still funny, and it's less dangerous than stairs.

I guess no hard edges. And stairs, there's a lot of donk, donk, don dangerous, I reckon. It can be dangerous, but it's still funny, and it's less dangerous than stairs. I guess no hard edges. And stairs, there's a lot of donk, donk, donk. Yeah! That's what makes it funny. Ah, ah, yeah, exactly. Yeah, because if, you know, you're doing, and if you are falling down the stairs, and it's not hurting you enough that it's, like, a worrying, but maybe you are also finding it funny, so you're playing it up a little bit. Yeah, exactly.

Because every time you're hitting your head, you're like, ooh, ah, ee, oof, oof. Stairs are funny. They're in both Family Guy and The Simpsons. That's true. That house has stairs. Both times, the dads, the buffoons, they fall down the stairs. Seth MacFarlane and Matt Groening, they know where comedy is, in stairs. Yeah, Peter Griffin, he'd be falling down the stairs.

Yeah, Robert Simpson, he'd be falling down the stairs too, sometimes. Bart Simpson'd probably fall down the stairs also. Oh, yeah yeah Homer fall down he become bolder like an Indiana Jones whoa Bali for school yeah

he had yeah he got his hat like Indiana Jones and he's on the school bus would you like which is where the Indiana Jones

comparison ends yeah would you like Stallone try would you what would you do? So you don't know what these shells are for.

They're not buttons. Well, you find out because at first in the conversation, it seems like Stallone has shit and not wiped at all. At all. But then you get the implication that he needs to shit. He saw that there's no toilet paper, got confused, and left the bathroom. Yes, yes. So it depends if you've already like, if you shat or not. I would have shat. So same. Yes, yes. Yeah. So it depends if you've already, like, if you've shat or not.

I would have shat. So same. No! Check first! Well, yeah, but we've all said to check first, but come on. I've just been frozen from time or whatever. Exactly. I'm tired.

Whatever. However you feel. Grumpy, I imagine. I always check first. Yeah, but there's been times we've all been caught out as we've established. Well, no, because even the time where I got caught out, I got tricked by the toilet paper. No, that's true. That's true.

That's true. So, I mean, there's taps. I'm assuming there's taps and, like, soap and stuff, right? Yeah. Right? I don't know. Do we see? Because in the clip Dusha showed me, we don't actually see the bathroom.

No. So, we don't know. Okay. But presumably there were because you've got to wash your hands somehow. And presumably, like, it's still flushing with water. Yeah. Assumably there's water there. Because I would just do the whole like, well, I'll just use my hand.

Yeah. And then wash. Yeah, okay. Yeah, fair enough. Fair enough. It's where the whole left hand thing comes from. Yeah, yeah. Like a lot of different cultures where it was like, well, this is my wiping hands made in hand.

Yeah, I'll just wipe with my hand. It's crazy we're here again. This is not what I expected the future to be like. Wipe with the left, wipe with the right. Yeah, I'll just wipe with my hand. It's crazy we're here again? Is it not what I expected the future to be like? Wipe with the left, right with the right. Yeah. I thought we had figured this out, but apparently not. Wipe with the right, right with the left. Both satisfying to say.

Right with the right and left with the right is good. Right with the right, left with the right. Wipe with the left. Yeah. I think I would go for a sock. I think that's what I would do. I would wipe with a sock in that situation. Well, wipe with both left. Yeah. I think I would go for a sock. I think that's what I would do. Yeah. I would go for, I would wipe with a sock in that situation. Well, I'd wipe with both socks.

Yeah, that's what I mean. And I probably would do that because I think that if I stepped outside and they saw I only had one, because I would be thinking the whole time I was wiping with a sock, I'm doing this wrong. Oh, yeah. You know what I mean? Like, Stallone, he's like, you're out of toilet paper. That's not what I'm thinking.

And he's embarrassed to say it. Yeah. I would be thinking, I don't understand the future. I can't be meant to wipe with my sock. But I would be doing that regardless. Yeah. Yeah. I think I just go hand.

Or I might just start saying to the empty cubicle, wipe ass. Thinking maybe his voice activated. Maybe I would say it into the shells. Maybe they're a speaker. Maybe. Wipe ass and just see what happened. Or I'd be like, actually, you'd probably be calling out like,

guys, what am I doing? Would you think when you were in the future, it's like what? So 1990, when did he go in? How many years has it been? He gets frozen in 1996 and gets thawed out in 2032. 32 years. Oh, no.

Okay, I'm confused. Leave me alone. Leave me alone. Move back. Move on. Move on. So would you, when you're like, I'm going to nip to the toilet, would it even enter your mind to be like, is it the same?

Because it wouldn't enter mine. I wouldn't be thinking toilets have changed. They're pretty bog standard, you know. We haven't changed them for a while. For the last 60, 70, 100 years or whatever. So I probably wouldn't think- I mean, they have changed more than the last probably 50, right? Because we used to have outhouses.

Yeah, that's true. Yeah, they're inside now. But not everywhere. Not everywhere, yeah. The flushing. Well, Australia wasn't connected to like sewage. I think in like- It's later than you think.

Like a lot of houses, especially in Melbourne, I think. I don't mean Australia. They just weren than you think like a lot of houses in especially in Melbourne I think I don't mean Australia like they just weren't connected to like a sewerage system

so we're just all into the ocean that's not to do with toilets though that's just to do with plumbing isn't that also why there's a bunch

of alleyways in a lot of Melbourne suburbs as well because that's where the effluent yeah yeah yeah or the bog man

would go and whatever collect your shit from the sea. However it used to work. But even like flushing and stuff, you used to pull a chain. Yeah, that's true. That's true.

But so would you think, you know, in the future. Before I'm going into the bathroom. Before you go to the toilet, you like have toilets changed. I think I'd be, I mean, like if I know, if I wake up in the future, anytime I do anything, I'm going to be like, has things changed? I'd be like, has food changed? It depends how much I've already seen as i'm like going to the bathroom yeah because i'm already seeing like hover cars i'm gonna assume like we go hover shit what's going on i might think that stuff's changed but i would also think and this will be my downfall that i'll be clever

enough to figure it out like i'll be like maybe stuff's changed but i won't be thinking it's gonna be incomprehensible i'm gonna be thinking, maybe it's like a furnace now that I shit on. You are a man that sadly has not been clever enough to figure out how to legally drive a car by himself. So why would you think that traveling 35 years in the future will make you cleverer? Shitting seems easier than driving a car. That is fair. Babies do shit. Yeah, babies can't drive a car.

How hard could it be? You know what I mean? Like like what could they throw at me that i won't understand and then we have like squat toilets if we go to like uh overseas and there's a squat toilet i look at a squat toilet i'm like i get in theory what i'm meant to do but i'm gonna look for a more traditional toilet in case i'm doing this wrong yeah but i still think yeah that well that's where my hubris would be. I would be sitting there looking at the shelves being like, not only do I not know how to shit. Well, I know how to shit. But not only do I not know how to wipe.

I also am too embarrassed to ask anybody, you know? I mean, if you've ever been to, say, like, any sort of, like, country, they have, like, more of a squat toilet. Yeah. Like, have you been in that situation? I've never used a squat toilet, but I have been presented with the option. Because I have. And you're right. There's an issue,, wait, what?

Huh? What am I meant to be doing? Which way? And there's another thing. It's like, which way am I facing? Yeah, yeah. That's tricky. Because then we get to the reverse, where a lot of people who are used to more like

that sort of squat toilet coming into more of the Western standard sitting toilet. And there's a lot of, and you see there's people like, all those signs where what you're not meant to do. Yeah, yeah. The people who are like, how stupid could you're not meant to do. Yeah, yeah. The people who are like, how stupid could you be? But if you've never seen. We're afraid of squat toilets.

If you've never seen like a toilet, what is your assumption? Do I straddle it facing the wall? Yeah. And have a nice little shelf to rest up against? That honestly feels like. I'm going to do that next time. Yeah, do it. See if it's good. Everybody do a flip shit. A flip shit. Do a flip time. See if it's good. Reverse Kanga? Do a flip shit. A flip shit?

See if it's good. Is it called Kanga? Kanga-ing the toilet? I don't know. But I think that if I didn't know how to use a toilet, you just present me with a toilet, I probably would sit on it that way. Because you go in, you're facing it, right?

Yeah, exactly. Why would you turn around? Why am I turning around? Yeah, that would seem crazy. That would seem crazy. Like the buttons are in front of you. It's right there. Yeah. So if you're sitting down, though, and then you hit it, like the flush, like your dick

is where the water comes. So you're like, oh, I guess that's part of the feature. Also a penis cleaner, I guess. That's nice. Nice little feature. And would you be thinking, as you're shitting, like, every single shit maybe I flush for as well? You know, like, I wouldn't be, like, wait till the end. There's a lot of stuff you'd have to figure out.

Fair enough. I would think the toilets of the future are translucent for some reason. Like an Nintendo 64 controller. Yeah. Yeah, fair. Yeah, I would be imagining that there would be some kind of, like, they would burn my shit away. Okay.

That would be my thing. A flame toilet. Yeah. Yeah. I think the three would, some kind of, like, they would burn my shit away. Okay. That would be my thing. A flame toilet. Yeah. Yeah. I think the three shells, the fact that there's three of them, is just going to throw me out. Because I'm like, all right, I know I've got, like, half flush, full flush. Yeah.

That's true. I've now got three options. Colonoscopy. Well, I know I can, like, piss, like, shit. What's the third thing? What's happened in the last three decades? People doing something extra now that I didn't hear about? Oh, brother, you haven't scrummed?

Because, look, I can piss without shitting, but I can't shit without pissing. So what's the third one? I can't just shit. It's scrumming, dude. It's scrumming. You should go and do a scrum. Huh? Take a quick scrum.

Well, take your time. A scrum can take a while. What's that? And what are you... How do you... Well, that's what the third shell's for. But when you're scrumming, you gotta get out the grison. Is that...

Huh? Is that... Are we as a society now just encouraging and cool with jerking off at work? No! What the fuck? I'm sorry, that's not what I said. You're fine. Isn't that what scrum, we can, what?

That's so funny if they're like, go in and have a scrum, and you go in and whack off and they catch you. I'm scrumming! What are you doing? No, you're not. You're masturbating. I thought that was what you were encouraging. Why would I tell you to do that?

What the fuck is wrong with you, dude? I'll show you how to scrum. Yeah, it's off screen. You don't see it. It seems odd. To be honest, thank God someone would show me because I'm a visual learner. Yeah, I think even with like a diagram or instruction, I would still struggle. I would want someone to like show me.

It just seems like one of those things. I'm trying to think of an example, but I reckon this does happen in real life, but I can't think of a specific example currently of like a thing where in theory you do it this way, but it's very messy. Like you fuck it up, it feels messy.

And you're like, I feel like I shouldn't be doing it like this, but that's what the pictures say. I just feel like I'm going to get my hand covered in shit somehow. Yes. Oh, absolutely. Because how big are the shells?

Do we know? I don't think we see them. Because I'm imagining quite large my hand covered in shit somehow. Yes, oh, absolutely. Because how big are the shells? Do we know? I don't think we see them. Because I'm imagining quite large, but I don't know. If you look online and you type in, like, the three shells, you can kind of, I guess, see some pictures. And I think they are from the film. Okay. And they just don't look that huge.

How big are we talking? Maybe, like, the palm of your hand. Okay. Well, that's kind of... Yeah. They would cover your asshole. Yes. Okay. Well, that's kind of... Yeah. They would cover your asshole. Yes. Okay.

All right. If that helps. Do we know if the toilet has... And they're not that close to the bowl. Like, if you can kind of... Like, the first one is, but then if you're reaching for the third, it's not quite as close as you want toilet paper to be. I would have no idea.

Yeah. I would have truly no idea. That's so confusing. I might even be like, what do you do three of? Yeah, right? What do you do three of that you need three things while you're on the toilet? Yeah. Because even if one's for pissing.

Yep. For pissing how? To do what? Is it for wiping if you need to do that? Yeah, if you're wiping. Dabbing your tip of your penis or wiping your vagina.

You're like, what am I doing here? What does the shell do? It's not absorbent. It's made of metal. It looks like it'd be so cold. Unless it's like a porous. But then also, why would you want it to soak up urine? Someone made a diagram of how to use it like like a porous. But then also, why would you want it to soak up urine? You just, I don't... Someone made a diagram of how to use it like how Stallone said, and

it's upsetting to look at. I would love to see this. So someone using, like, pinching it? So it's pinching the turd out. That sucks. Oh, so they... That's bad. Step one, take two of the seashells and place them between your fingers to be used like chopsticks.

But they don't. They make it like a clam mouth. Yeah. Using the two seashells, this is step two, using the two seashells, gently pull on feces to remove them from your posterior until bowels have been completely emptied. Wait, wait, wait. So, okay. So maybe the food is different in the future. That would make a lot of sense. No, no, no. But we also know from Demolition Man that Taco Bell has consumed everything, remember?

Oh, those poor future. I really hate to go here. These shells do not seem adequate for a diarrhea situation. They do not seem adequate for a taco bell. They do not seem adequate for a... How are you pulling out diarrhea? You're not. No. Step three, using the third seashell,

scrape away any fecal remnants from your posterior. I'm not clean. No, I am not 100% clean. No, me neither. I am not feeling clean. This is also a confusing part. Step four, dispose of all three shells in the toilet and flush. That's gonna... I would not think to throw

away the shells. Me neither. I might walk back into that big meeting room holding them being like, what do I do with these? Unless you take them and then like three more like pop up. Like if they're kind of like tissues, you know, like a tissue box. How do these shells go out? What do they do with the shells? Well, they're not metal then.

They must be just real shells. Where do they go? Do they go back out to sea? Unless they're biodegradable. Oh, yeah. I mean, I guess they are organic matter. So maybe that's the thinking. They go out to sea.

So if you are doing it like Stallone says. Yeah. And we're pulling and scraping and flushing. Yeah. I mean, well, scraping and flushing. Yeah. I mean, well, so why aren't you using the two you're grabbing to scrape? I guess that also has remnants of shit, but they all have remnants of... Because it's like one scrape, surely, unless you're doing each side. But then your hand's going to be covered in shit, right?

It just seems like... And they also are very germphobic in the future. Yeah, yeah. No one's high-fiving. Well, maybe no one's high-fiving because everyone's hands are hands are covered in shit that is why they're so germphobic because everyone's covered in in poopy is that i think that actually could be it everyone's covered in poopy that's a gross thing about demolition man they don't tell you yeah everyone in there sandra bullock looking she might be looking fine but her hands covered in shit. So much poopy.

Yeah. Like, cause, yeah, yeah. You just. Is that better than toilet paper? What, constantly being covered in shit? Yeah. Yeah, I reckon it is. Cause at the moment now we use paper.

Yeah. And I look, there's so many times where I'm like, I don't know if I'm a, I don't know if I'd be a hundred% comfortable with someone inspecting my asshole and being like, you've got every last thing. I would be like fairly certain, but I don't know if I'd be 100%. I wouldn't want to be inspected. Yeah. If someone comes down and they're like, I'm going to give you a quick sniff test.

Yeah. Yeah. Is it clean? Oh, it's not clean. No. Oh my God. I don't know how confident I would be for a sniff test. No, me neither.

But then also, like, that's just toilet paper, baby, because also sometimes you wipe too much. Yeah. Sore arsehole. Sore arsehole. True, true, true. Seems like if I wipe too much with a shell. Oh, sore arsehole.

So I'm like, I'm not 100% comfortable with the current situation. I would love bidet, which is apparently very hard in Melbourne because of weird fucking rules. I've never used a bidet.

Dude, it's the best. It's the best. Feels great. You feel clean as hell. See, with a bidet, Did you cum?

No, but I could have. Hey! See, with a bidet, I think I would be fairly confident to pass a sniff test.

Is it clean? Sniff, sniff? Yes. Oh my God. Monseigneur. Oh my God, I think I would be fairly confident. Is it clean? Sniff, sniff? Oh, my God. Monseigneur. Oh, my God. You could eat a burger off this. Easy. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Absolutely. You could eat an asshole for a plate for a burger. Whereas the shell, especially if it's pulling it out and then scraping, my confidence is at an all-time low. I'm not a confident man. And also, what's wrong with a bidet? Like, is a bidet not environmentally... Why does a toilet look like a prison toilet also?

It feels like toilets have gone backwards. Yeah. Yeah, they're really fucked-up toilets in the future. Really? They've gone prison toilets because there's no, like, seat? There's nothing, like, it's in, like, a lift-up? Yeah, it's just, like, stainless steel balls. You know what would be the most fucked

up toilet? Imagine just the seat in the middle of a room. That you could just like walk around, like sit on and then shuffle around like it's a like it's an office chair or whatever. So no backing. No backing, just the seat, like a circle. Like a donut, like a hole. Like yeah, you just sit on that, you can

face any direction. Like a stool. Like a stool. Multi-directional toilet. That would scare me a lot, I think. Yeah, that's fair. Yeah. That's a lot to think about. It's really put Zammett in a strange place. Oh, my God.

Yeah. Where would the buttons be? What if you went into a toilet cubicle? Yeah. Toilet cubicle, you walk in, it's a normal toilet, but the toilet's facing the other way. I'd be scared because anyone could sneak up on you. That's what I like about the current toilet situation. I'm ready for it.

Someone opens the door, you're like, ah! I found you. Caught you. Whereas I could be shitting facing a wall and somebody taps me in the shoulder. I'd have a heart attack. At least you'd already be shitting. Yeah, that is true. That is a benefit.

So. See, I guess the, yeah, I don't know, I think scraping it is definitely a step back. Yeah, that seems insane. It seems like it's not the way it's meant to work. And to further muddy the waters, like Sandra Bullock has come out and said it's pretty, there's several processes. You have a number one, you have a number two, and then the clean up.

What the fuck? She said, it was obvious to me when I read it. Sandy. So one shell is for cleaning. One shell is somehow for pissing. But not for cleaning the piss. Number one, number two, and then clean up. So clean up being what, skid marks?

Like a toilet brush? No, I'm... Unless she means like you piss into the shell or you shit into the shell and the third one is to clean up yourself similar to our stallion why would you do that i'm guessing because sandy wouldn't have like she said she read it on the script so it wouldn't have been thinking about the toilet bowl maybe well i guess if you what's the benefit of shitting in a shell? Okay, so if it's... Fuck that claim right off.

Shitting in a crab cell. Okay, okay. So if it's a future world, technology is higher, maybe it is the kind of thing where it's like, okay, so you have a shell, you piss in it, it is porous, so it kind of all collects in the shell. Yeah, okay. And then that's easy to dispose of.

Maybe. Yeah. Maybe. No splashes. No, okay. And then that's easier to dispose of. Maybe. Yeah. Maybe. No splashes. No, your khaki pants are going to be fine. Yeah, okay. No little piss stains. Okay.

You're shit in a shell. You're shit in a shell. Has anyone ever had to take a shit sample for a doctor? No, but I know people who have. Yeah, but not since I was like a kid, so I didn't have to do any of the rough work, sucked in parents. So we have a friend, Rev,

they talk about the best way to do it, because they have to do it multiple times. The best way to do this is you basically have to shit into an ice cream container, an empty ice cream container. Whoa. And so it's like you've got to position everything and all that kind of stuff. I guess that makes sense.

Then you remove the water factor. Yeah. So an ice cream container is like, it's a bigger area. It's a bit easier. So you can kind of deal with that. Now that shell is maybe only slightly larger. Yeah. Than the circumference of your asshole.

Your aim would have to be crazy good. Oh, you have to be so close. Now, I want you to imagine that, um, okay. So you've got, you're pushing some, say, so we've got like a delicious cake. Yeah. And now you, you know, you've put like your hand up against, like right up against the cake. Right. And now you are pushing that cake into your hand.

It will go over the edges of my hand. Yes, it will. Yeah. Yeah. It's crazy to think about the amount of ways this could have gone wrong for Sloane. Yeah. I shitted the shell. And they're like, you. It's crazy to think about the amount of ways this could have gone wrong for Sloane. Yeah, I shitted the shell. And they're like, you don't shit in the shell.

You idiot Sloane, that's for pulling it out of your asshole. You're about to use chopsticks, you doofus. You don't even know how to use chopsticks, you dumb fuck. It'd be so bad as well to go out and be like, you got no toilet paper, you only got shells. And they're like, yeah, for number one, for number two, for cleaning. And then you go back in and you're just looking at the shells being like

what the fuck am I meant to do I think I'd retire from shitting yeah shitting a bush outside say a dog did

yeah yeah start eating corn get them husks yeah yeah exactly yeah I just don't think that there is

any way in which using three shells to wipe your ass is going to be satisfying or good. No. You're going to fail the sniff test no matter the method. No matter. I think you're right. I think it's a dangerous development, and I hope it's not what's coming.

No. I thought maybe it was to do with the diet of 2032 has changed enough. So it's maybe more a bit solid. Everyone's got good fiber. Yeah, yeah. All that kind of stuff. Wrong. But then it doesn't break as easy. More diarrhea-y.

Apparently, like, no. Maybe it's- And I think this is why everyone is high-fiving at a distance. Yeah. No one's touching no one. Everyone's covered in pooping and I'm like, yeah. You're pissing piss, but you're also pissing shit. Yeah.

It's gross. Yeah. It's yucky. It's good stuff. Well, on that note, I've been Joel. I've been Jackson. I've also been Joel. We couldn't solve it.

Sorry. Not every question has a good answer. Not every question has an answer. This is one of those ones since the head scratcher. We don't know. We don't know.

I still haven't even known. God, I'll stand in the street scratching my head saying, what the fuck is going on? What the hell is happening? If you have an answer, let us know because I am stumped. It's a mystery.

It's a real mystery.