Plumbing the Death Star - How Would You Use the Suicide Squad (2016) to Stop Superman?

Episode Date: May 21, 2023

It would really suck if Superman peeled off the roof of the White House and stole the President and flew him in a figure 8 above the White House. What’s that? Superman peeled off the roof of the White House and stole the President and now he’s flying the President in a figure 8 above the White House? Doesn’t he know he’ll make the President dizzy! That’s one of the top 5 things you shouldn’t do to a President! Thankfully we have a Suicide Squad to save the day! Deadshot shot Superman once so surely he can do it again? Enchantress can maybe possess Superman but is this worse for humanity? Either way we have some harebrained schemes to save our beloved President from their dizzy fate from Doomsdaying the whole Squad, to pushing Harley off a building, to getting a gun that fires swords. Right now we have a very important mission and there are no bad ideas. Up to and including voting Killer Croc for president of New America.Buy our terrible merch here and check out the Bad Brain Boys on Apple Podcasts at apple.co/badbrainboys. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Ahem. You're listening to the Sands Pants Network. Podcast time! Hey everyone and welcome to this week's episode of Plumbing the Death Star. I'm Joel. I'm Jackson. And I'm also Joel. And Jackson, you're very excited for podcast time this week.

I love to podcast with my friends. Oh, that's exciting! Well, this podcast is the one that asks the important questions, and the important question this week is, how would you use the suicide squad to stop superman there was a lot of s words there and my brain was was like, good luck. What am I, a snake? Yeah. So it's 2016. David Harbour is there being like, what's he doing here?

He's being like, damn, it would suck if Superman stole the president. We need a team of ragtag superheroes, super villains, that are expendable. Oh, shit. Superman gone done took the president. done, he took the president! He done, gone, done, took the president! Oh, no, that thing we thought might happen has happened. It's happened. Thank God.

We pre-organized a suicide squad. Yeah. God bless. The David Harbour thing confused me. Don't remember him from the movie. Yeah, he is in it. Amanda Waller is like, what if Superman

could peel the roof off the White House and just grab him? And that's happened. We live in a world where he did that. We were like, I guess Superman's going to meet the President. Oh my god! He peeled the roof off and then grabbed him! It's impressive anyone can peel a house, but he's done it. You can peel a house. You can peel a banana, you can peel a house.

Fair enough. Imagine a tin roof, you pick it up, peel it. Oh yeah, that is true. The house fair enough yeah imagine a tin roof you pick it up oh yeah that is true the white house doesn't have a tin roof but for superman it would be yeah yeah yeah yeah in a way yeah maybe well because tiles are like stuck to go no but they're stuck what is that what's the white House roof made of? Rocks? I feel that's wrong. Yeah, have you ever seen a roof? Yeah.

You sure? I don't know. Maybe not. So he's peeled the roof somehow. Yeah. We don't know how. We're standing around arguing if he lifted or peeled. Meanwhile, Superman has grabbed the president in one hand Yep Flown him into the sky Yeah, and he's flying around

And we're like, he won't stop We need to kill Superman That's the only logical step to save the president The president's getting so dizzy, dude What? We can't have a dizzy president He's just flying at the speed of, I don't know what, at this point He might fucking be too dizzy and accidentally do a water gate

Yeah, exactly President, should we spy on our own do a Watergate. Yeah, exactly. President, should we spy on our own people? Oh, yeah. Yeah, I guess so. I need to sit down. Only my political opponents. Jocky Duck would work in sort of like a court where they're like, Your Honor, my client was dizzy.

Yeah, he didn't mean to do the Watergate scandal. He was just dizzy. He was dizzy from being zipped around the Earth multiple times by Superman. That would fuck up anyone's shit. Come on. Hey, President, why are we fighting the war in Iraq? They don't have weapons of mass destruction. Oh, they do.

I'm so dizzy. You're getting vertigo right now, I think. The dizzy defense works every time. Yeah, yeah, every time. So we work for Amanda Waller, I suppose. And we're like, ring, ring. Waller, baby. It happened.

The president peeled the roof. No, sorry. Superman peeled the president. Hang on. He's peeled the White House and stole the president. Yep. Let's get the Suicide Squad. All right.

So now we have Harley Quinn. Okay. Captain Boomerang. Right. We have Diablo. Slipknot. Slipknot. There we go.

Killer Croc. Katana. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Do we have Enchantress? I think we do. Yeah, let's say we do. Enchantress and Rick Flag.

Okay. We do have Rick Flag. Okay. Okay. Okay. So what is our strategy here? I think we do. Yeah, let's say we do. Enchantress and Rick Flag. Okay. We do have Rick Flag. Okay, okay, okay. So what is our strategy here? Is it? Okay. Harley Quinn, Captain Boomerang. Oh, we've also got Deadshot.

Oh, yeah, and Deadshot. That's right. Deadshot. No. Not Deadshot. I was going to. No. No.

Is it Deadshot or is it? I think it's Deadshot. Yeah, I think it's Deadshot. Yeah, I think it's Deadshot. Yeah. And is Deadshot the one that shot Superman with a kryptonite board and put him in hospital? Yeah. Okay, so step one. Hey, Deadshot, remember that thing you did that got you arrested?

Do it again. Is it worth letting the rest... Like, do we need the rest of the Suicide Squad for this? I think so. Oh, okay. Because Superman just... So he's currently just zipping by on a straight line. Or is he serpentining? Oh, he's going around Earth.

I figured he'd grab the president and he's going for a joyride. If that's happening, I'm like, the president has died. So sad. Tell the vice president they're president. Yeah, I'm in the wall, I call him, I say, he's done it. Then Superman sort of flies down to a ground level and zooms away. Never mind. And I hang up.

So yeah, where's Superman taking the president? In my mind, he was just kind of like doing figure eights above the white. So he's showing off. He's making the president really dizzy, which we know is bad. It's dangerous. He's like juggling the president. No! You're going to get him so dizzy.

He's going to do some terrible things. He's going down to a basketball court, getting a hoop, slam dunking the president. No! Not only is it bad because the president's back to get dizzy and war cry, it's also bad because it's very humiliating. He's so dizzy, he's going to make terrible deals with Syria and Libya now. Like what happened in the 70s but again it's ollie north all over again he's got too dizzy he's gonna make deals with the wrong contra deals with banks in new york city and new york city's gonna go in the hall because the banks will stop lending them money. It's cool to see that we've reached the end of our political knowledge.

Bay of Peaks! Even missile crisis! Yeah? Was the president dizzy when he dropped the bomb? Must have been. He would have been, dude. He would have had to have been to do that, to do something that bad. Yeah.

Anyway, so we're just going to say Deadshot shoots Superman So I guess we need A kryptonite bullet Can we get one How do we get one of these Well for meteorites Do we have some Harley Quinn or Captain Boomerang

Might be able to steal some from somewhere. Okay, great. From... Okay, so step one is we're heisting some kryptonite off Lex Luthor? Yeah. Yeah, he'll have some. Or Bruce Wayne? Or Bruce Wayne.

Who's better to heist, Bruce Wayne or Lex Luthor? Lex Luthor will just flat out kill you. Bruce Wayne might be like, what are you doing? Yeah. What are you doing in the Batcave? But we are part of the American government, so surely we could just be like, Lex Luthor, what are you doing? Yeah. What are you doing in the Batcave? But we are part of the American government, so surely we could just be like, Lex Luthor, you're a businessman.

We'll buy you a... That's true. Could we seize his kryptonite? Yeah, I reckon we could. You know. Matter of... Well, Lex will probably be with us. Yeah, that's right. He'd be like, yeah, shoot him in the head. This is actually awesome for me. Here's some bullets I made earlier

Now I think we need to do this in a way Cause Superman he's kind of omnipotent Omniscient He's too quick Yeah like can Deadshot shoot Superman before Superman tears him in half But Superman Like a phone book

Superman has been shot by Deadshot before But we don't know how That's true. It would have been a cool thing for the movie to show, but it does not. They decided against it. So imagine, also, because if you have Superman doing figure

eights with the President in the sky, it's got to be a good shot. That's true, because Superman is constantly moving. He's quick and he might accidentally shoot the President. Yeah, we do not want Deadshot to shoot the President. Then all of a sudden, Superman, Innocent Man, Dead you accidentally shoot the president. Yeah, we do not want Deadshot to shoot the president. Then all of a sudden Superman innocent man, Deadshot get in the chair. Superman

innocent man. Superman just lands again. Crazy you killed the president. Man, I was just taking him for a joyride like how he asked me to one time. Yeah, you really fucked this up the suicide squad. He was like, oh damn he was lamenting in his office being like, damn, I wish Superman could come by here,

peel the roof off the White House, and just fly me around to figure eight. I heard this because I have super hearing. You probably just didn't hear it. And we couldn't dispute that. That's so sad. Dead Shark gets the chair. You would not find a jury in the world that would convict Superman. Okay, so plan one ended with Deadshot getting the chair.

That's interesting. And the president dead. Okay. But I think it's not a bad way to, like, you know, the approach to take is you've got to get Deadshot to take the shot. So we need to be able to distract Superman and get him down there so that Deadshot can have a clear shot. Yeah, and because he's holding the President, though, there is stakes, so you can't just be like, well, we'll get Diablo to do a big flame pillow

over Superman, so he's a bit like, I'm distracted because it's hot. Because then the President will catch fire. Yeah, and Diablo will get the chair. That's the rules. How do you kill Superman without the suicide squad getting the electric chair? Would Diablo survive the chair?

No, because he's fire-based. They're like, we're going to give Diablo the chair. And Amanda Waller's like, we need to get him out of there. And you're like, hold on. Let's just see what happens. He's still just... He's also not immune to his own flames. Doesn't he burn himself up?

Yeah. Hold on. Hang on. Wait a second. No, he is immune to his own flames because he kills his wife and kid or whatever. Yeah, he explodes out. And that doesn't hurt him. How does he die in the first one?

Doesn't he cook himself? Doesn't Enchantress do something? He becomes sort of like a monster man at some point. That's right. He does. Hold up. Let him. Put him in the chair.

Let's just see. Hold up. Give him the chair. Give him the chair. Hold up. Yeah, but he's flame powered. You ever heard of an electrical fire? That's true.

I don't think that checks out, Mr. Dusha. Oh, he's dead. If they put water on him, the flame will get so big. Oh, yeah. Okay, well, what does Superman like? How do we distract him? What does Superman love to see? He loves to see lois lane he

loves journalism hold up a book hold up a breaking news story what's something we could do there's a man of steel because i'm like he does love journalism so i'm like we could be like oh look it's a another um daily planet uh newspaper with like an article that was meant to be written by him. That's not there. Because he's so busy doing food. Very well. It's published a blank sports section yet again. And so it's kind of like, oh, we're shaming him.

But that didn't seem to worry him last time. He doesn't care. Wood Superman, he grew up on a farm. You know, like. Kidnap his parents. Oh, okay. Parent. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Parent. Yeah.

Oh, yeah, because Pa stepped into a hurricane. Yep. Hurricanes traumatize him. What about this? Yeah. Which one of us looks the most like Pa Kent? You, maybe, Jackson? Okay, I'll come back and I'll dress like Pa Kent.

Yeah. Superman, my boy, I've returned. He's distracted. We shoot him in the head. Okay. I'll be Superman. You distract me as Pa Kent. Superman, my boy, the tornado only hurt me.

It didn't kill me. Who are you? I'm Pa Kent. Possibly Arthur? I've obliterated you with my laser eyes. His name's Jonathan. Jonathan, I meant. Pa Kent. Possibly Arthur? I've obliterated you with my laser eyes. His name's Jonathan. Jonathan I meant. Jonathan Kent. Can you name one significant moment from our lives?

Well, when you became Superman. I was always Superman. That's what the S on my chest stands for, hope. When you... What do we know about Superman? A lot. Do we even know his clock? No, he doesn't.

Fuck, we don't even know the clock. Yeah, go away. Who am I? Superman, it's me, your dad. Yeah, your dad. Super dad. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, so we dress you up with like.

Big ass on my front. Big ass. Like kind of a jacket with patches. Superman's got to have a dad, right? Right, and his dad will be another Superman. That makes sense. I'm Super Dad. I remember when I birthed you.

Flown through. Yeah, just a little freeze breath, and then thrown straight up. Oh, no. I don't know if this Superman has freeze breath, actually. Has laser eyes, though. Oh, I'm laser eyed into the earth. Yeah.

We should really not have banked on Super Dad. There was a lot of assumptions. Put a lot of stocks into Super Dad. Cross out Super Dad. Okay, never mind the Super Dad strategy. Well, we probably can't get Lois Lane, but maybe I could dress up like Lois Lane? We don't know about Lois Lane. All right, even if we did know about Lois Lane.

He's got X-ray vision. Let's go. I'm Lois Lane. No, you're not. Well, you got me there. Fuck. Fair enough. What if he doesn't use his X-ray vision. I'm Lois Lane. No, you're not. Well, you got me there. Fuck. Fair enough. What if he doesn't use his X-ray vision? I'm Lois Lane. Tell me one

significant moment in our lives. When you became Superman. I've been Superman and then laser-eyed. Once again, we don't know the connection. Well, I would just assume... Well, yeah, we don't know about Lois Lane. That's true. I mean, even if you did, you clearly don't know the connection Well, I would just assume Well, yeah, we don't know about Lois Lane, that's true I mean, even if you did, you clearly don't know anything anyway

Yeah, that's true I would assume he had become Superman and wasn't always Superman That's not unreasonable, right? Yeah, that's not unreasonable Yeah, except when he meets Lois, he's already Superman Yes, that is true, but I don't know that Once again, we don't know that he's met Lois Yeah, a lot of what I'm saying is...

All we know about Superman is... The army hate him. To be honest. The army hates him. Batman hates him. We don't really have much leverage. We think he likes to save people, but Metropolis was decimated. Yeah, that's true.

Well, we've seen him save people falling off buildings and stuff. Okay. What if you push me off a building? Oh, yeah. Okay. So we get into, like, oh, okay. So what if we get the Suicide Squad? So we get, um, does he seem to rescue, do we know that he's, like, rescuing Lois Lane? Or, like, do we know that he's rescuing people falling off a building?

I don't know if we have the odds on that. I don't know if we got those stats. Yeah. Because it says, like, alright, we get, say, for example, Boomerang to shove Harley off a building in, like, eye shot. And then he goes and grabs Harley. And then Harley could, like, I don't know. Hit him with a bat. Hit him with a bat or have some kryptonite something in that.

And then, like, get him down. The problem is, though, that this Superman is flying the president in a figure eight. That's the problem. Which is only like two steps away from where he is in Man of Steel anyway. Yeah, that's true. Because even if he's like, oh, I've got to pick up that person, he's got two hands. I guess we've given the president a moment of reprieve, and now it's Harley and the president in a figure eight.

Harley Quinn and the president flying the president. Harley Quinn and the president of flying the president. It's like, are you here to save me? Oh, damn. Well, that's better than the chair. Sorry.

Yeah. Cause you could do something where it's like, okay, we give, um, Harley like a gas, like a kryptonite gas that, that man uses.

And so that if she has it, so we push Harley Quinn off a gas, like a kryptonite gas that Batman uses. And so that if she has it on her person. So we push Harley Quinn off a building. We are banking on Superman rescuing a falling person. And she's falling. Hang on. Hold on. Any second now. Superman's going to rescue her.

Any second now. Any time. Splat. Okay. Okay. Splat. The kryptonite bomb goes off. All the people gathered around her die.

Oh, okay. Well, Krypton okay Does it do anything to a human? Probably good for you Turn us into kryptonite monsters Ah, we've made some doomsdays We've made some doomsdays Doomsday's alright Could we doomsdayify the suicide squad? Can doomsday

Stupid question How high up can he get with a jump? He's pretty big Doomsday... Stupid question. Yeah. How high up can he get with a jump? He's pretty big. Doomsday, he'd jump high. Okay. I'm just like, I don't want to make Doomsday

let him loose and Superman just flies up. We're like, how do we get rid of Doomsday? Doomsday... Hmm. It's like, Doomsday can't fly,

but he does have power of Zod, so maybe he does fly. Yeah. We're just going to hope that that works out for us and we don't have two problems. It's BVS where we get the beautiful Doomsday. So in this, they just get the corpse of Zod and inject it with... Cryptonite? I don't know.

Or do they drop it in a thing and zap it? No, that's Justice League. Yeah. How do they make the Doomsday game? Experiments. I think it's just vague, unclear experiments. Yeah, on Zod's body. Yeah.

Okay. So I'm just wondering, if we did the same vague experiments on the Suicide Squad, do we get Doomsday-ified versions of them, or do we just get monstrosities? Well, so here's the thing. Zod hated Superman. Yeah. So I assume that's why he went crazy as Doomsday. Harley Quinn, I think, is largely ambivalent.

So Doomsday Quinn. Yeah, and if we're like, okay, if you don't kill him, you get the chair or the bomb goes off. But will that kill the Doomsday? I really doubt it. Like, oh, my God, Doomsday Quinn's going crazy. Hit the bomb. Nothing.

A little in the neck. Be like, oh, no. Thatomsday Quinn's going crazy. Hit the bomb. Nothing. A little in their neck. Be like, oh no. That seems to make them angrier. Oh no. They seem to hate us now. Yeah. Okay. Damn.

The Doomsday strategy seemed smart, but I don't know if it's worked out for us. Because again, I'm thinking like leverage, but if Superman has cracked to the point where he has stolen the president. Yeah. And there is no leverage because you're relying on his goodness. Yeah, which is clearly gone. Which is gone now. So we're down to Harley.

Okay, Harley's dead. Boomerang pushed her off the building. Boomer, maybe he's also distraught. Killed my friend. That didn't work. He said it would work. And my friend is getting angry. So unfortunately we have to press a button. You said it would work. And my friend is getting like, maybe he's getting angry. So unfortunately, we had to press a button.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. We blow up Boomerang's head. Okay. That's a shame because I was like, maybe we can get him to throw a kryptonite boomerang. We can take his boomerangs. Could he throw a boomerang that could grab the president and bring it back to us? Stronger than Superman boomerang. Can Deadshot make a...

Yeah, can boomerang make a shot that Deadshot can't? Because if not, we're really doubling up here. Why do we need boomerang? Deadshot could just use the boomerang. Well, okay. I'm pressing that button again. Can a... Does a president need hands?

What do you mean? What do you mean? What do you mean? I'm imagining if Superman's got him by his wrists and we throw a boomerang. I'm imagining he was carrying a fireman. Okay, I don't know why I was imagining him carrying a fireman. I like him getting by his wrists. That's awesome. And then the boomerang chops him off at the wrists.

So the president falls. And we catch him in a net or whatever. We're quicker than Superman. Oh, yeah, well, no. Once again, Superman is very fast. Yeah, that's true. Okay. Okay, okay, okay. What about, so Diablo is a whiskey because he has fire that will cook the president.

We don't want that. Killer Croc is just a man with a skin condition who ate people. Okay. Yeah. Can we... Might accidentally eat the president if we get him to cook. I don't want to be responsible for getting the president eaten. That's like.

Yeah, yeah. And Killer Croc's wet, so he will not survive the chair. Yeah, that's true. What about. Okay, we've got Enchantress. Magic. Superman weak to magic. That is.

That is true. Okay, that is. That is true. Do we get her to cast a spell or whatever? Trick him? Trick him how? To the same way that he gets injustice did. Okay, what's the trick?

Make him more evil? Oh yeah, he's already evil. Talk me through it. What does Enchantress... Oh, we make him good with the spell. So what is Enchantress powers? I just realized I was thinking of Scarlet Witch. Not sure. Yeah. Enchantress is... She does a fucked up dance. That's true.

She makes a fucked up machine. She makes the machine. That's not helpful. She possesses people. Oh! What if we were like, try to get her to possess Superman? Is this worse? Um, yes.

Well, I mean, maybe not. Enchantress, oh no, she'd be in Superman's body. Yeah. Okay, never mind. And she's got a boyfriend or brother that's very, very unhinged, which is why she goes bad. That was the brother. Yeah. Slash boyfriend.

Hard to say. Who have we got left in the Suicide Squad? She can phase through walls, transform objects. Transform the president into Kryptonite? Yeah, transform rocks into Kryptonite. And then we just pelt them at Superman? Oh, stop that. Yeah.

Okay, now, does this Kryptonite in this universe have certain, like, is it all like the properties of, like, this classic Kryptonite which makes Superman weak, or is it different colored Kryptonite does different things? I don't, look, is it all, like, the properties of, like, this classic kryptonite which makes Superman weak, or is it different colored kryptonite does different things? I don't, well, look, in the... What's the one that makes him an alcoholic? Is there such a kryptonite? Yeah, it's in Superman 3. Okay,

I'm not sure about... I think it's, like, black kryptonite or something. He becomes an alcoholic. He's gotta land at some point to get his fix. That's true. When he lands, we steal the president off him. Hey, if we hit him with kryptonite and he becomes weak. Will he drop the president? Yes.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. He'll fall on the president. Okay. How heavy is it? Is there a man heavier than a regular guy? Is he more dense? I don't think so. I don't know.

He'd be lighter probably. Why? Because he can fly. What? He's not flapping his wings. He doesn't have hollow bows. I know, but like, well, how's he flying? How does Superman fly?

His powers. His powers. Because he gets powers because of Earth's yellow sun. Yep. Including flight. What does that mean? What do sun Including flight What does that mean? What do you mean what does that mean? How does he manipulate stuff around him to fly?

Is he low level telekinetic? Is he jumping crazy? Is that kind of Because he can veer Yeah he can move in the sky And the way he flies Yeah he can hover So what's happening? I would assume That we would be calling it the power of flight,

but I guess it would be some level of telekinesis. Telekinesis, okay. So he can lift himself up. All right. It's the same kind of thing where he can stop a plane coming towards him and he can just kind of stop it. Yeah, he doesn't put his hand on the nose of the plane. It doesn't just keep crumpling, right?

He stops all that sort of, yeah. So some level of tele, okay. Well, then he can be any weight. It doesn't matter. Yeah. Unless, if you've got telekinesis, is it harder to lift a bigger thing? Sometimes it is. Well, yes.

But that's not a, that would be a brain workout, not a body workout. Yeah. Which is why I'm guessing he would need to eat a lot or photosynthesize through the sunlight. Can he do it forever? Does Superman need to sleep? I don't know if he needs to. He does. Yeah.

Or does he just lie in bed and close his eyes like a freak? Listen to all the crimes happening that he's not stopping because he's too busy pretending to sleep. Yeah, I don't necessarily... I mean... I'm just trying to think of ways of moments of, you know, stuff that's going to get in the way

that's going to make him have to land. But if he doesn't sleep... Sleeping? Just wait in his room with a gun? Yeah, sleeping? He hungry? Yeah, does he eat? Nope, that's Earth's yellow sun.

What about when night time happens? Well, no, he'll have powered up during the day, I guess. Yeah, he's like a solar battery. Yeah, okay. Damn it. Because honestly, boys, I don't think the Suicide Squad are useful here. That's bold of you to say. I'll say it.

Even if I think it was like a one-on-one fight against Superman, I mean... Like, there are ways you could do this with... Okay, so it really relies on the kindness of Superman you gotta exploit him in some way to perform which is where it's like

okay cool so we make sure that Harley has like or whoever that we push off a building has things that they can pull and then just gas comes out

yeah that's the only way I can think of even trying to use the Suicide Squad to stop Superman well could we do some research into Superman to find out about Pa Kent, Ma Kent,

you know, Lois Lane? We could probably do enough research. I mean, you know, we have a lot of things at our disposal. Plus, we've got maybe, you know, Lex and or Bruce. Exactly. So we do some research to find out, because even if he's not going to save, you know, Harley Quinn falling, he might still save

his Ma or... he would save not pa pa already got hurricane yeah that's true well can we convince him his pa's back obviously not me i know that's your favorite plan dresses park and how do you convince someone that park and and why would that mean anything also he's already seeing visions of park and yeah i'm just i don't maybe he comes back in a tornado like it's the same tornado from before just drops it back off yeah like he's been in it the whole time okay okay we get we we somehow manipulate uh we get like an illusionary tornado and it's also been three years i think yeah and he says wow i'm dizzy

it's like we could just get like an old guy. Like, trust me, boy, it's your dad, me. I've aged. I got wind aged. Yeah, by going around in a circle for three years and the power of the wind, I've aged so bad. Hence, I'm this guy you see before me. Yeah, you don't age, Superman.

This is normal for three years. Yeah, human beings look like shit at 53. Especially when they're so busy. Make you want to throw up. Something I also want to do because I'm very busy. Not busy. I'm not very busy. I'm actually very, my schedule's clear.

Would that distract Superman? Would that work? Can Superman tell if you're lying? It's good to check about all of his powers. I don't think he can tell if you're lying. He can't tell if you're lying, but I guess he can look at your heartbeat,

all those kind of things. Yeah, that's true. So he can tell if you're the type you have an elevated heartbeat while you are lying. He hasn't really been trained in that. No. He's flying blind. He's like, he's got an elevated heartbeat. What does that mean? His heart's going crazy.

I mean, I guess I am currently flying the president around in figure eight. Is he scared of that? And that's intimidating, I guess. I would snap at the... It's been funny from his perspective watching the three of us walk up and silently pointing and the Suicide Squad various members dying and getting the chair around him. What are those guys doing down there? It's not working, whatever it is.

Because you could grab, like, say... I'm also trying to think of, like, the cohesion on the team. And, like, how we can utilize them all. But it's just, like, I can really only think of Deadshot. He's sort of necessary. And the others could be anyone. The others could just be, I don't know, quite literally just a person

off the street. Enchantress is easily the most powerful and therefore most useful, but if she gets the body of Superman and it's the same character, things are going bad for us because she'll just be Superman. She'll be Superman, but kind of worse. This bad Superman seems only conserved as playing the president in a figure eight,

which we can handle. That's fine. Yeah. Enchantress will probably fly through the core of the sun. Yeah. We could be like, president, we need your opinion decision on some bills. Two screams for yes. One scream for no.

I have another idea. Yeah. Okay. And this is out of the box thinking. Okay. We as a nation Accept that the president Is gone

And we just elect someone new So the president Superman flying a guy around In a figure eight It's a feature of America Even though he's alive We just accept as a nation And if he ever comes back

Then maybe he could be president again But we make a presidential address Hello my fellow Americans The president is dead We just accept as a nation. And if he ever comes back, then maybe he could be president again. But we make a presidential address. Hello, my fellow Americans. The president is dead. The president is dead. Superman's in the hole still standing there. He's in the background.

Despite what you might think, the president, we have to accept as a nation. The president has died. A vice president's the new president. We move on with our lives. Yeah. Then Superman, if you're during that, swoops down, grabs the vice president. Ah, we were hoping that wouldn't happen. Both in a figure eight. Well, now we know more about his motives, I guess.

He hates the president. He wants to take the president in a figure eight. How are we going to use that information? We elect another president and give him the kryptonite gas. Oh! Or we elect another president and Superman's out of hands. Exactly. We might just start juggling then.

Oh, no. Forty guys getting juggled behind the White House. Because he can move so fast that... Yeah, he could juggle. How many people could... He juggled quite a lot of people. Probably the entire presidential history. Damn it.

Okay. Okay, okay, okay. Does Superman have a soul? What? Okay. Probably the entire presidential history. Damn it. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Does Superman have a soul? What? Okay. Does that have a question? All right. Fabulous question.

Oh, a steely soul with- So, katana? Oh, yeah. She has a katana that I'm fairly certain can steal your soul? Steal your soul. Okay. That's what Rick Flag says? Yeah.

If she kills you with it. Okay. This is katana. This is Katana. This is Katana. She has a sword. Sword that can steal your soul. I'd recommend not getting killed by it. Yeah, okay.

So get the sword. We lace that sword with a bit of kryptonite paste or whatever on that sword. Good stuff. We then give it to Deadshot, who can maybe make a gun that can fire the katana. A sword gun. A sword gun, if you will. A kryptonite sword gun. A kryptonite sword gun.

So we're using that. I'm just trying to use them. Okay. We have them. We're trying to use our guys. Might as well take advantage if we've got them. So we get the katana. Yep.

We use Enchantress so she can transform, apparently, material. So she can transform that metal. Yep. I don't remember that. It's not in the film, but I did a quick Google. Okay. Powers of Enchantress. Could we make her transform the president into the kryptonite president?

Okay. Can he come back? Don't say anything that she can't change the box? I was thinking she could just transform the katana instead of steel into Kriptonite. She could make it a bullet. Yeah? Yes. What?

Rank katana sword. I guess we don't necessarily need a sword firing gun. We now just need a regular gun. That's true, and Deadshot's already got a bunch. He's already got a regular gun, so that makes it much easier for us. Okay, so that's three Suicide Squad members used. Killer Croc. Now,

if you threw Killer Croc off a building, would he die? Yes. He's just a guy with skin condition, that's right. But they do say he is a sort of evolution. They describe him as an evolution, don't they? Well, that's right. But they do say he is a sort of evolution. They describe him as an evolution, don't they? Well, that seems more like an insult. Yeah, they call him like a missing link.

Yeah. Like a step down or whatever, right? Like an evolutionary ladder, like it would take in a rung down. Yeah, which is crazy because a rung down is like an ape man. Yeah. Like a lizard man. Which would be awesome. They should have an ape man in the Suicide Squad.

Killer Croc should be Killer Ape. Yeah, I agree. I don't know. Look, it went that fish we all hate. Yeah. Go back in the Suicide Squad. Killer Croc should be Killer Ape. Yeah, I agree. I don't know. Look, it went that fish we all hate. Yeah. Go back in the sea, idiot. Some sort of mammal. Then it went ape.

Crocodile man. Crocodile man. Ape man. Yeah, that makes sense. It all adds up to me. Yeah, that's fair. Okay, maybe we can throw Killer Croc off a building just as a backup to see if Superman will try and save him. But never mind.

He is an abomination. So if we push to it and we're like, oh, no, that man with a skin condition is falling off that building. And that's how we test to see if there's any good left in Superman. Okay, that's great. And then, of course, Splat, never mind. Yeah, now we're in trouble. Time to get the gun bullet.

Okay, so we've used Killer Croc. Sword bullet is what I meant. Yeah, yeah, yeah. trouble. Time to get the gun bullet. Okay, okay. So we've used Killer Croc. That's great. Sword bullet is what I meant. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All guns are bullets. No. We still got Slipknot, who... He's good at climbing.

So he could get to the top of the White House. So he could lift... So to stop Deadshot from taking the stairs, he gets picked up by Slipknot. Yeah, that's all right. Fantastic. We tick using him. Do you reckon our Slipknot will do the same thing that happened in the movie, where the

moment he gets pulled on a first mission, immediately tries to run away, and then he gets a bomb blown up? I think so. Funny. I think he blows up not because we press the bomb, but because I sit on the little detonator or whatever. Whoops. Whoops. Oh, well. What was he doing little detonator or whatever. Whoops. Whoops.

Oh, well. What was he doing? Give him ropes to someone else. Who have we got left? We've got Harlequin and Boomerang. And Rick Flag, I guess. Rick Flag has no powers. He's just a guy.

Well, Toothpaste's got no goons either, so I'm not even like, there's nobody even like. So Rick Flag, he can just hang back. He's standing next to us. And we're like, we're doing a good job. But he can just hang back. He's standing next to us. And we're like, we're doing a good job. But he's like, no. You're really messing this up. Is the president still being flown around in figure eight?

Yeah. Then you haven't done a good job. How about this? So maybe we need to shift gears. Maybe we take a leaf of what Jackson was suggesting, where we have to tell the world that the president is dead. So have you all seen Starship Troopers? Yes. So there's a beautiful scene in it where someone gets taken by a bug.

It's a kindness to shoot them as opposed to getting ripped apart by the bug. So what if we go head-dead shot, take the shot, take them out the president, and then we can be like for optics reasons, Superman was trying to stop the president because his head was about to explode. But unfortunately, Superman, he couldn't do it. He couldn't stop it, so the president's head exploded. And the bullet that they found, no, they didn't. They didn't.

Don't worry, Superman hasn't turned evil or weird, citizens. Superman's not weird. Yeah, Superman's good. Superman's not weird. Yeah, Superman's good. He's normal. He's an all-American normal. He would actually try to save the president, but unfortunately had that condition that some presidents have where their head just pops.

Same thing happened to JFK. His head just does that. The symptoms are, one, they're very dizzy. Two, their head just does that. Yeah. Is the implication here that if the president dies, one, Superman will go back to normal, or two, he'll just keep doing a figure eight? But we've dealt with the problem.

We don't know. We don't know yet. He's doing a figure eight, but with the dead president. Oh. Well, I guess it's keeping him busy. Yeah, that's going to be fine until the president fully decomposes. Yeah, then we've got a skeleton president. Then we've got a bit of a problem, but until then,

maybe it's not so bad. Maybe it's not so bad. Could we just think outside the box? Move the White House. What would that achieve? Well, maybe that's what Superman's doing. He's flying above the White House specifically. So we just move the White House out of the way.

And then he continues to fly over the White House? Yeah, but we move it somewhere where he's not going to, you know, nobody's going to But he still has the president. Well, yeah. So all we're doing is moving the White House. We kill the president. At the moment, we're just trying to see, like, we're just trying to find out some motives. Yeah.

And we're just trying to find out his behavior. Does he hate the White House? Is he flying over the White House? Or is he just flying in that particular spot? Yeah. Or does that, is that just doesn't really matter? Exactly.

I think I would assume that the White House has triggered something in him. Oh, okay. Or the president. And he hates it. Blow up the White House. See if that fixes it. Independence Day.

Yeah, okay. Another out-the-box kind of thinking. Yeah. Do we have any good, in this team, negotiators? What if we try to talk to Superman? The only good negotiators

are probably Harley Quinn and that wouldn't work with Superman and that's probably about it. Deadshot maybe? That's the guy that put me in on before. I shot you in the head previously and I'm here, I'm back again to let you know that I won't do that again if

you simply give me the president. I'll never give the president up. I love flying in a figure eight. That's it. Oh, gee whiz. If only I wasn't so quick to dodge your bullet where you hit me once. How did that happen? How did you do that?

I wish we knew. There must have been a lot going on. He was just distracted. He was dizzy. He was dizzy. on and so he was just distracted he was dizzy okay outside the box thinking i don't know if we've got everybody the suicide squad that can do this can we enter the president's dreams might be over the hell that is a bit outside the box. No, we're obviously... What? Well, it's simple. We just enter the president's dreams and then...

Then we can talk to him, you know? We can figure out what's going on. Why the president's dreams? Sir, I'm sorry you're still being carried. The president, first off, I don't know if he's asleep, but fair enough if he is. Secondly, I'm like,

okay, hey, president, do you know what's going on? No. I'm being carried around, hey, President, do you know what's going on? No. I'm being carried around by Superman in a figure eight. Well, we can assure him that help is coming, you know? Is it? Is that good? Don't worry, Mr. President.

Help is coming. Oh, that's good. What are your plans? Yeah, T-minus. Wake up! Wake up! Two minutes or something. Yeah, we'll get you down to them.

Two minutes feels long in dream zone, though, so keep dreaming. Yeah, especially if you wake up, it'll be to the other thing. Two minutes feels long in dream zone, though, so keep dreaming. Yeah, especially if you wake up. It'll be longer even, I reckon. And then he's just in there flying around. He sees us. We elect a new president. We've given up on him.

I don't think I'm going to save me at all. Superman there, big goodness face. Still flying around at figure eight. Superman's happy. Yeah. That's all that matters. He's stoked. He loves flying in a figure eight. Superman's happy. Yeah. That's all that matters. He's stoked. He loves flying at figure eight with the president.

That's all he wants to do. Could we Indiana Jones it? Get up there and swap a fake president in for the real one. Oh, yeah. How are we getting up to him? Jetpack. Okay. Well, that's fair.

It is the DC comic universe. Big crane. Crang. Big crane. Big universe. Big Crane. Crang? Big Crane. Big Crane. Big Crane. I did think it was crazy you were going to use Crang. Okay, so what about this?

My fellow Americans, one of you is required to make a sacrifice for your nation. Well, we have the Suicide Squad for this. Well, yeah, but do they look like the president? Rick Flag? They don't need to. Do they? What's your plan? Because the bag of sand doesn't look like the idol.

Well, that's true. It looks like a bag of sand. But in that instance, Indiana Jones is trying to trick a plinth. Well, yeah, but we're going up there in either a crane, a crane, or a jet pack. Yeah. And we're just going to be like, Superman will notice. Yeah. What about, but I do like your idea.

What if we're like Superman, treat him like a dog. Superman. Okay. I see you're carrying that present in your mouth, but what about a man who has some fucked up skin condition? Oh, okay. Much tastier. Exotic skin.

If you're like a waggle killer croc, like you're trying to get your dog to drop your, I don't know, your chicken wing. So you're like, get us back. Take this guy instead. Or, because we still don't know his motives, what if we go back to the guy who looks like the president? We say, Superman, you don't have the president.

You've got this guy that looks like the president. You've got an imposter. A similar kind of vibe. But why don't we be like, Superman, you idiot. Don't you know the American people nominated killer crock as our president elect killer crock electoral fraud yeah well yeah yeah yeah stop the steal well superman start the steal start the steal superman will steal your vote superman's not watching tv. No. Right? So we can have the Vice President come on the TV and say, good people of America,

we have to democratically elect Killer Croc. We all know he's not really the President. It's a puppet election. Yeah, exactly, but the nation has to be in it so we can get the President down from the sky. Yeah. We elect Killer Croc. Now, he has legitimately

been elected. But the problem here is there's probably half the electing, like the electoral public who are like, good. We love that piece of shit president is up there. Damn it. So this is the problem. If I gave you the choice between voting between Killer Croc and

the president that was currently in the sky against his will, who are you voting for how are they going to have any presidential debate what are your thoughts on foreign policy kill a croc love taste of man get me down quickly cut to our sky president

interesting and what do you think about the deficit it's a big debate Interesting Interesting stuff And what do you think about the deficit? It's a big debate Let me down Yeah that's tricky Also what if Killer Croc we do get him elected And then we find out that the Superman Isn't stealing specifically presidents

Killer Croc's like Eating people is legal now And we're like oh fuck He signed that executive order Straight away. We should have picked anyone else. Well, Holly would be a bad choice. Later, Rick Flagg.

Rick Flagg. Diablo. Diablo. He regrets setting his family on fire. That's true, but can turn into a demon god or fire. Diablo regrets setting his family on fire. That's the presidential act.

Vote for Diablo. Vote for Diablo. He wishes he didn't kill his wife. Yeah, that's fair. I'm all about letting people move on, but I think that if you're a murderer, you shouldn't be the president. Yeah, that's fair enough. Okay, not Harley Quinn, not Diablo. What about Boomerang?

I mean, every single person in the Suicide Squad has killed people. That's tricky. Well, you know, Boomerang, Australian citizen. Yeah, that's a problem. Okay. I think Rick Flag is maybe the only contender. Yeah, that is true. Rick Flag, government stooge, president of the United States,

probably not going to make cannibalism legal. Yeah, which is good. If Superman doesn't try and take Rick Flagg, does he have to serve the full term? Yeah, absolutely. Of course, he could vote it in. Four years, baby. That's a shame. That's a shame.

And then if he becomes president, then he's technically our boss. Yeah, he can do whatever he wants. And we were planning on killing him in that next mission. Yeah, that's true. Yeah, that's true. Well, that's a shame. Okay. Maybe we don't do, maybe Amanda Waller president. But then if she gets taken, this is a gamble.

It's a gamble. It's a real gamble to elect a member of the Suicide Squad president strategy. Solely so that Superman will put down the old president and pick up the new president. Which we won't be able to stop, but at least then that man's safe. We learn that he's stealing presidents. And then what? So then we could either annex a bit of America

and then be like that's that president of this bit. Condemn one person to just being figurated forever. Yeah, that president is a sovereign citizen or whatever. Society just going forward works like once every

four years, we elect a president, and then a president, in quotation marks, and the quotation marks president is figurated. Yeah, okay. We elect a president and a vice president, but the vice president is the real president. The American flag with the figurate on it is the new flag.

Yeah, exactly. Because we all, over time, have come to feel quite a lot of national pride. Instead of the stars, it's the Superman logo. The stripes are still there, though. The figure eighted president had stripes. It's an honor to be chosen to be your running mate as the president. It's my honor to be sacrificed to the figure, you know, you're running mate is the president. It'd be my honor to be sacrificed to the figure eight.

Absolutely. Yeah, of course. Yeah. It's as American as apple pie getting figure rated by Superman. Oh, it's as American. It's as new American.

New America. What would we call this? New America. It's as new American as apple pie. It's as new American as getting figure rated by Superman is what we'll start to say. Yeah, that's it. Apple pie is as new American as getting figure-rated by Superman. God bless new America.

And God bless Superman figure-rating our democratically elected leader. And the democratically elected leader is just sticking a thumbs up. I feel sick, but this rocks! I'd do anything for my country, including this. Yeah, I'll do anything for my country, including this. I'll do anything for my new country.

New America. Is this what Amanda Waller had in mind? Yeah. We had that meeting with David Alba. She's like, if Superman ever peels the roof off the White House and steals the president, we're prepared. I honestly, I don't think we could take

Superman down I think the best way forward Is to live with it Yeah If it was like If it was like a permanent tornado That was always there Yeah

Bring out presidents Same concept You just gotta learn to live with it That's what society looks like Yeah It's like the fault line in LA Yeah You know it's there

It's obviously It's a bit risky But you just mitigate Any problems it could cause Exactly Build your house on stilts? No, I don't think you'd be able to do that for earthquakes. LA or San Fran?

San Fran. False line, right? San Fran, false line. If you build your house on stilts, that feels like you're really setting it up to fall over. Yeah, but underground's bad too. Are you thinking about floods? Yes. Are you thinking about flooding?

Yes, I am thinking about floods. Are you thinking about floods? Yes. Are you thinking about flooding? Yes, I am thinking about floods. Thank you. Maybe erosion? I feel like, yeah, you just made your house weaker. Yeah. You make your house a concrete then? A concrete crack. Don't you want your house that's gonna wobble with the earthquake? Yes! So that its legs shift

in one direction. Yeah, that's right. You want a wobble house. Make it out of rubber? No. No, I think it's got something to do with the suspension. You give your house suspension. Yeah. Right? Yeah. It's on springs or something.

How do they know about that? How do they make buildings earthquake-proof? Because some of the others are pretty straightforward. Flood, high-up house. Yeah. Fire, cold house Asbestos house Ice and asbestos Lightning storm

We build it underground Cave home Floods, stills Sky home But earthquake, gee I don't know Stand in the doorway, I know that much Don't be in the toilet Some of the certain skyscrapers Earthquake, oh gee, I don't know. Stand in the doorway, I know that much. Don't be in the toilet when that happens.

Some of the certain skyscrapers, they're designed to move with up to X amount of wind. That's true. Do you reckon they're on springs, like Jackson is claiming? Like a boss. Oh, yeah, they kind of wobble. Well, thank God this is not what we need to sort out. We took care of what we needed to We just simply made a new country

We solved the superman problem You just deal with it, you live with it Amanda Waller, accept the things you cannot change And then you just convince your society That that's actually good It's awesome dude If it works for the lottery it can work for us Exactly

We did it And on that note I I've been Joel. I've been Jackson. I've also been Joel. God bless America. New America. New America. Old America can rot now.

Yeah, Old America can get fucked. Yeah. Yeah. Can you see about Old America? It's got a president flying around in a figure eight like an idiot.

Yeah. New America has a great elected president flying around in a figure eight. But we do love the old America. That's true. Yeah, let's give fuck Old America. Idiot. New America has a great elected president. But we do love figuring out. That's true. Yeah, let's go fuck old America.

God bless New America. You're the greatest nation in the world. We changed the national anthem. Made it perfect. We did it again.