Plumbing the Death Star - Is the High Evolutionary Clever at All? with Hayden Bleechmore

Episode Date: May 14, 2023

JD and Jackson recently went on a trip to Sydney, leaving Zammit at home and bringing friend of the show Hayden Bleechmore! After seeing Guardians of the Galaxy Vol 3 in ultra 4D where they had their dick and nuts blown clean off, they had some questions about the High Evolutionary. Recorded live from the car on the drive home, the boys do their best to go over the High Evolutionary's plans, try to make the perfect being using the gills of mammalian sea creatures and the wheels of a car and make the argument that making meth is art. Safety first, so buckle up and take the passenger seat while JD drives us home as Hayden and Jackson bicker in the backseat. You best be on your best behaviour or he will turn this whole podcast around.Buy our terrible merch here and check out the Bad Brain Boys on Apple Podcasts at apple.co/badbrainboys. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Ahem. You're listening to the Sandspans Network. Hey everyone, and welcome to this week's episode of Plumbing the Death Star. I'm Joel. I'm Jackson. And today we are joined by a very special guest, Hayden Bleachmore. Hello. And we're also joined by a very special location.

The road! Keen-eared listeners may have noticed that the sound quality is significantly worse this week. No, it's not because we dropped the mixer and the microphone to get it busted or something. No, no! And it's not because we've been evicted because people realize our podcasts are bad

and we're now recording from the gutter. In fact, it's because we are currently on a road trip from Sydney to Melbourne. We're returning home. Yeah, that's true. And we've decided to bring you this special podcast. This special podcast will ask the important questions like,

Is the high evolutionary a clever guy at all? So while we were in Sydney visiting friends and recording pods, we decided to go see the brand new Guardians of the Galaxy movie, Guardians of the Galaxy Volume 3. We saw it for another podcast we do on the wood elf network baseless speculation go listen to that if you want to hear our thoughts on it yeah that's not what is important of today no what is this what is of important today is that one just a bit of clarification uh not clarification just to i guess uh to paint a picture i am driving currently and have a Madonna headset

on strapped to my head. But also crucially because the Madonna headset is tight. It's tight and you've got a gigantic head. Oh! So Dushy's got a hood up. Yeah. So he's behooded. Behooded?

He is behooded with a microphone protruding from it. It's very funny. He looks like a stock image hacker. Yeah. It's really good stuff. Looks like he's about to jump into the mainframe. So in the new Guardians of the Movie, the bad guy, and also full spoilers for Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 3. If you haven't seen it, that's fine.

You can still listen to this episode, but we will discuss. I mean, we're not going to stop you. Yeah, we're not going to stop you. I mean, it's your own fault. You're walking into that bear trap or whatever. Yeah. But yeah, full spoilers for GOG 3. Yeah, GOG Vol 3.

GOG Vol 3. Yeah. Yeah, full spoilers for that. So, is the High high evolutionary clever at all? So we should probably talk through what I guess the movie paints his plan as. So he is the purple guy. Well done, Hayden.

Are you just double checking you're remembering the right guy? That was, yeah, mostly for me. I'm like, well, this is the purple guy, right? And sometimes for all the movie he has a double face. Yes.

And he tries to make New Earth by making animals evolve really quick. And can we just get clarification on what you mean by double face? He's got a face, and then there's another face on top. Okay, but that face is a mask. Is that when it's Halloween? Are you like, what are all these double-faced kids?

Well, no, that's a person wearing a mask. He's got two faces. No, he's got one face. No, but he's evolved. He's made... I assume he's made out of meat a new face, and he's put it on top of his old face. Wait, is he the guy that makes stuff out of meat?

Or is that a different... Does he control the augosphere? Or is that a different guy? No, the augosphere from GOG. There's a little sort of station that's made of meat. Is that him? That's his company. That's his company, right?

So he could make a new face. He could make a new face. That's the sovereignty or the sovereign. So the High Evolutionary, he is an alien, but he looks like a guy. And his whole deal is that he's trying to create basically the perfect being, right? Like the perfect creature, the perfect person. Very inspired by Earth. He was like, Earth has the best literature and the best music.

A fucked up thing to learn is true in the canon of the MCU. That Earth is the best. This is as good as it gets. This content is in the pantheon of the best stuff in the universe. Whoa. He sees Fred on YouTube. Wow, this stuff rocks! This is awesome! I wonder if I can improve

on this. This kid's screaming and yelling and his dad's John Cena. How did he get his voice so high? So the High Evolutionary is trying to make these new beings. he does all these fucked up experiments he experiments on rocket the raccoon yeah and uh i don't know what he does because rocket in the movie they established that he's like every experiment the high evolutionary

makes they can they get like rote knowledge like they can remember shit and be very clever that way, but they can't create. But Rocket can come up with new shit. He's the only one with true invention. Yeah, exactly. And that's why he's trying to find Rocket. But, like, what did he do? Okay, so I guess step one was found a raccoon and put a guy. Because you see in the movie that Rocket has a new brain, or at least has an exposed brain.

Yeah. Which makes me think they gave him a new brain. But that's not... I thought they added stuff to his brain. What are you adding to a raccoon's brain to make it clever? Computers or organic smart matter? I guess he evolved from the August fear. They want his brain, so it is the brain.

Yeah. Because they're like, don't damage the brain! The brain's the best bit! They somehow fluked a good brain. Yeah, they fluked a good brain into Rocket. This rat has the best brain in the galaxy! That is what he sounds like. Welcome to my counter-earth! I got the best rat in the galaxy!

The dogs are people, and the people are dog shit. I hate this planet. What the fuck? He's like, right, my plan to make the perfect person. Step one, get a raccoon. That would not be my step one. That would never be my step one. Especially if he's inspired

by Earth. Did he not realize human beings were like the main guys? Yeah, why not start with them? Maybe he landed, saw a raccoon pick up a cup with its little hands and was like, these are the guys in charge. That is the good shit, famously. You might have seen that video of the

raccoon and he washes the fairy floss in the water and it disappears. He's like, this guy was one step away from eating clean fairy floss. I think I could get him all the way there. I could make raccoons eat clean fairy floss. I am the high evolutionary. Yeah, I don't really know what he was trying to learn.

Because later in the movie we see that he's made like a society, like a full planet. Yeah. He calls it counter-earth. I don't know why. But on that planet there are are animal men, which are like animal faces in human bodies, pretty much. Yeah, he shoves an animal into the machine, and the machine

blasts them in a thousand probably not a thousand years, a hundred million years of evolution into a minute, and they are weird guys. Yeah, weirdly evolution of animals turns you into a guy. Yeah, and it made you pissed off beforehand. You came out

angry, which I would. If I went from a rat to a rat man, I'd be furious. But then Rocket Raccoon's like, no, no, you fucked something up. You've got too much blee blob going in there. You need less blee blob and then you have less more nice juice in your brain. Exactly. They come out nice

now. So why, and then so he's less more nice juice in your brain. They come out nice now. So why... And then... So he's got this animal land. And sorry, if there was just a bit of disturbance there in the recording, it's because I ran over a rumble strip because we were side by side with a truck that had too many sheep on it.

Yeah. And whilst being killed by a truck full of sheep would have been poetic justice, while we're talking about the high evolutionary sucking shit. I did swerve to avoid it and hit the Rumbles truck. If we got hit by the truck full of sheep, you would die on impact and I would be killed

by a sheep. I'd be like, I survived if the sheep would kick me in the back of the head or whatever. It does smell like sheep in here now. Are you kissing that? It's stinking up. We got the air directly coming from outside the car. of stinking. It's stinking it up. We got the air directly coming from outside the car. That's good. There's a sheepy aroma.

Yeah. It's like we've brought the farm to us inside the car. Exactly. It's not the worst smell, the smell of a farm. It's not ideal for inside a car. It wouldn't be in my top ten good car smells. What would be in your top ten good car smells. What would be in your top ten good car smells?

One, black ice. It's a kind of flavor. I'm not sure what it is, but you can get it in air sense. Okay. Two, vanilla. Three, new car smell. Nice. Four, lemon.

Okay. Five, mango. Uh-huh. Six, strawberry. Strawberry a bit stiff, totally copped six. Yeah. Five. Mango. Uh-huh. Six. Strawberry. Strawberry bit stiff, totally copped six. Yeah. Damn. It's okay.

That's still in the top ten out of any kind of smell. Yeah, that's true. Seven. Popcorn. Popcorn in the car. Carcorn? Yeah. Oh, I see the sheep.

We're next to another thing of fucking sheep. Oh, goodness. The sheep stink is back. Oh, this sheep's got his leg stuck out the window. That's not good. He pulled it in. He wasn't stuck at all. Yeah, come on, man. The sheep stink is back. Oh, this sheep's got his leg stuck out the window. That's not good. He pulled it in. He wasn't stuck at all. He was waving to us. That's cool. Pack it in, sheep.

Yeah, so, hey, we're back to Plumbing the Death Star now. Yeah, sorry about that. Sheep talk's over. And you're gonna have to hit up Hayden if you want to hear the next three smells. That is a doozy. Wow. Clickbait in a podcast so then the high evolutionary right he's got this planet of guys yeah and the guardians see some of them fighting and selling meth to each other yeah they became humans what the hell

did the sheep man came up with methamphetamines again? It is also funny because they say the word meth in the movie. Yeah. It is funny that in a planet very, very far away, completely new people also created meth and also called it meth.

And how, like, isn't Peter Quill like, they're making meth. When did Peter Quill learn about meth? Well, he was like eight or nine. He might have known about meth. But in the 80s it feels like meth is a fairly... Was meth in the 80s?

Meth was in the 80s. Meth's been in the old times. You think in a crack, though? Crack and meth are different. Methamphetamines. Yeah, I don't know. Oh wait, no, Hitler was on meth, wasn't he? Yeah. Yeah, you're right. That's old. Okay. Meth's been around a while. Yeah, you're right. You're right. But yeah, but that's what the high evolutionary, he's like, you're right, the society's fucking cactus.

And so he blows it up. So that's the thing. So that was good until then? Well, I think he's embarrassed because Peter called him out on it. And he's like, well, yeah, you're right. Time to blow it up. I mean, I got the impression he'd done that many, many times before. And he was going to do it anyway.

And Peter Quill was there right before he did it. Why? Let's talk about his obsession with animal men for some reason. What's the thinking there? Why are animals superior? I hate to break this to you, brother, but we are animals. We're all animals. We came from

monkeys. Before that, a fucking fish got legs and just came up to the land to see what's going on. Yeah, okay, that is fair. What's up up here is what they said. And then at some point we evolved into guys that wanted to go into the trees. And then we came out of the trees again. We decided the trees weren't for us at a certain point.

Big rippled brains. But some of us stayed in the trees. And some of us went back into the water. Well, no, chimpanzee came out the tree too a bit. And then went back in? Well, he does both. It's true, he does. Chimpanzees, yeah, across it all.

Chimpanzees are crazy. Have you seen that video of the chimpanzee that's just got a dead baby goat and he's eating the goat? It's messed up. You're like, damn, I thought you were eating fruit. But no, you're eating a full goat. That's crazy. Yeah, it's yuck. Do you think that given the high evolutionary

technology, you could have made the perfect being already? Well, I think it's because the high evolutionary also made Adam Warlock and the Sovereign. I want to call them the Sovereignty, but I think they're just called the Sovereign. A Sovereign maybe. Maybe no T. I don't know. It's impossible to know. I want to call them the sovereignty but I think they're just called the sovereign a sovereign maybe I don't know

it's impossible to know we're driving we can't look it up can't watch the movie we're in the car well yeah cause he made Adam Warlock and he made all of like the sovereign slash sovereign slash sovereignty and like in the movie he says that like hey

yeah I you think you guys are perfect but you're actually dog shit you were like a first draft yeah but like why what does he want but i'm assuming and it's not clever yeah but i think he thinks that if rocket a rat can get good thoughts yeah maybe animals are the key to good thoughts. Okay. Well, he changed tactic, really, because with Rocket,

he just got a raccoon that already existed and made him smart, but then the other ones, he evolved them. He sort of changed horses midstream. He did change horses midstream. Yeah, and so he went for evolutionary rather than just adding stuff to a brain.

Actually, that's true. He went for the cyborg approach and then went to the evolution approach. Surely you mixed the two. Yeah, he was starting off yeah, cut the arms off an otter. Is this the perfect species? No. Yeah, it's worth talking about the um, because Rocket has like these three

fucked up animal friends. Hey, what if I put a rabbit into a spider robot? Is that the perfect species? Oh, it's not. So you got Teefs, you got Floor, and you've got Layla? Ballwin? Layla.

What was that one, sorry Jackson? I think it's Layla. Did you say Ballwin? Ballwin? Like the. Lila. What was that one, Sir Jackson? I think it's Lila. Did you say Ballwin? Ballwin? Like the suburb in Melbourne? You're right, it was Lila. Yeah. So was he like, yeah, was he like an otter? Because he makes the otter clever.

Yeah. The otter speaks. They're all clever, but two of them are dumb shit clever. Well, actually, they all imagine stuff and they all have dreams and things yeah that's true so they were creating yeah and they all spoiler alert get shot with a gun yeah they do get shot with a gun one of them is a walrus who's been given wheels which is crazy because with the high evolutionary like the walrus is perfect but But too slow. It's not mobile enough. That's the problem with the walrus. It seems like even his real freak creations were experiments that he then kind of uses for other things.

You know what I mean? Yeah. It's not like he's testing stuff. What could you be testing out by giving a walrus wheels? Yeah. You should see what would happen. It's good to check what's going on like the fish that came out of the ocean yeah but a walrus if you could give a walrus wheels now you don't have to experiment on it put it on wheels yeah but what if it becomes the perfect

being what would that mean well what if we were only one step away from a utopia and it was just that walruses needed wheels? They just couldn't get around very well. That is the thinking that brought the high evolutionary to where he is today. So you were saying, Hayden, you reckon you could do it really easily, make the perfect being.

Did I say that? Yeah, you did. You actually did. Can you talk me through how you would do it? You've got full technology to the most sci-fi degree. You've got the entire animal kingdom and alien worlds, I suppose,

too, at your disposal. What would you do? Here's the thing. More meth and more fights. More meth and more fights. You think that's perfect? What they know, just listen, okay? So you have your animals, right? They just gotta get it out of their system. They're in their sort of teenage

years as a society. Right. Get the meth out of their system by getting it into their system, getting them real high on meth. So you think that they will simply just age out of it? I think so. I think they'll grow out of it. Well, actually...

You understand that methamphetamines is an addictive substance. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But, right? Okay, all right. In the human society, each generation drinks less and less and does less and less crimes, I think. That does sound made up.

No, it's not. The drinking one's definitely true. And stuff like teen pregnancy and all the teens getting into trouble doing crimes, with every single generation it gets lower and lower and lower. But if teens started doing other crimes, like cyberbullying

or whatever? Well, yes, but that's better, right? Cyberbullying's sick. No, I didn't say it's sick. Cyberbullying is better than math, I guess. I said it's better than being addicted to math. If I found out my kid was cyberbullying, I would be happier than if I found out he was addicted to math. Yeah.

Listeners, let us know. Do you like when we bring guests on that are team cyberbullying? I'm not sure that's what I said, but okay. We should ask every guest if they're team cyberbullying or team math. One or the other, mate. Kind of both. Not living in a dream world. But, you know, so I think using the other, mate. Kind of both. Not living in a dream world. But, you know, so I think using the evolutionary super thing.

Yeah. Does it have a name in the movie? Yeah. It's just a tube where it becomes quick evolution. The future tube. It does have a name, but I feel like the name's like the EX-76 or something. The Evolution-tron. Yeah.

So I would, yeah, let the society evolve. Let them figure it out. Can you talk me through that so you flood the... Step one. Give it to me in five steps. Okay.

Step... Five-step plan. This is... I will also say, before you start your five-step plan, five-step plan, this immediately is sounding very similar to

Reagan's war on drugs. That's true. Where you flood... Where the FBI floods plan yep this immediately is sounding very similar to reagan's war on drugs where you flood where the fbi floods the poor communities with drugs and then yeah i don't think reagan was like if i flood the poor communities with drugs they'll do less drugs yeah i don't think that's quite what the war on drugs was no but but yeah that's how it starts. Well, okay. Step one. Get some animals. Okay, what animals? Okay, you've used a step very early here. I would have assumed that I had the animals when I had a five-step plan, but...

Well, here's the thing. My plan's so simple, I gotta pad out the five steps. How many steps do you need? It really is a two-step plan. Alright, well, tell me the two steps. Step one. Get them to do lots of meth and crimes. Step two. Eventually, they'll playing. Alright, well, tell me the two steps. Step one, get them to do lots of meth and crimes. Step two, eventually they'll stop.

That is what you find in really meth-affected communities. Eventually, they just get bored. They give it up. Look, they're working through something at the moment

and they'll figure it out. You're just standing there watching the fucking burning ruins of your civilization. Everyone's going really quick and angry. I thought they'd have calmed down by now. Sir, you gave them a... What?

Sir, are you familiar with the cyclical nature of any addiction? Huh? Sir, are you fucked? The what? Oh, no! Oh, that's right! Why, what were you thinking of doing, Jackson?

What's your magic plan to make a perfect utopia with no math? Well, I wouldn't start with no math, alright. Well, I feel like I wouldn't start with just any old animal. I'd find whatever animal is the closest to perfect we've got. Well, it also seems like a shame that the

high evolutionary... I know he talks about this in the movie, that Earth is the best literature and stuff, so he only uses Earth animals. But there's a whole universe of animals here to have access to. Surely there's one animal that's better than all the Earth animals, right? I put Groot in the

fucking evolution shoe. Yeah, put a Groot in there. What would happen if you put Groot in there? What does he evolve into? He seems like he's already at the height of evolution. I feel like Groot will just become a tree. Like a real tree. You think that Groot will eventually evolve into a regular tree? Yeah, I feel like

that's... Can't you imagine when Groot dies, he just becomes a tree? We've seen Groot die. What do you mean? Well, he kind of does, I guess. He dies and then becomes a little baby Groot., he just becomes a tree. We've seen Groot die. What do you mean? Well, he kind of does, I guess. He dies and then becomes a little baby Groot. A little sapling. Oh, that's true, actually.

Good point. Well, I don't know. What's the most perfect animal? I'd say probably a gorilla, but that'll probably just turn into a guy. No, well, actually, no, that's a great... A great white shark hasn't evolved at all for, like, 100 million years or something. That's true.

That means you put it in the fucking tube and nothing happens. Well, just turn it up to 11 and just go a billy years. I feel like you go billy on a shark, you just get a mildly bigger shark. Or smaller. Or smaller, really. I feel like as well, actually, realistically, you put them in that tube, they just evolve to be the perfect organism for living in that tube. That's how evolution works. you put them in that tube, they just evolve to be the perfect organism for living in that tube. Right?

That's how evolution works. Yeah, but you actually... You're affected by your environment. It would just become a tube. Yeah. Yeah, it can suck energy from the inside of the tube somehow. Yeah, it gets its power

from being in a tube. Yeah, because it's been in there for a hundred million years. You open it up and it comes out. It just dies. It can't live not in a tube. It absolutely starts burning.

God damn it. It can't breathe outside the tube. What's the perfect organism for a tube then, do you reckon? Worm. They just keep becoming worms. Like a worm with a spine, I reckon. Oh yeah, a bit of a worm.

That's good thinking. I think that in my situation, I would be so embarrassed by how badly it worked that I would be like, oh my god, it worked. The perfect organism. He's a worm. And they're like, sir, where will we put them?

And I'm like, uh, tube. I'm making tube earth for the worm, man. This is a success. I did it. I did it, okay? No one can say I didn't. Well, even without the experiments, like the quick evolution to find a perfect society,

a lot of what the high evolutionary does is very fucking stupid. He gets really drunk and tries to go fight Rocket for some reason. That's true. I thought he liked him in that bit. I can't remember what happens in that bit. But I remember him being drunk and Rocket being like, whoa. No, he was pissed off at Rocket. Yeah. Because he was like, you've got a great little raccoon brain. And I don't know why. Well, what's infuriating

as well is like, did he lose his notes on what he did with Rocket? Yeah. He's like, right, we gotta do X to his brain. And then he gets clever and he's like, what did we do to that fucking rat? They did sort of make a big deal about how they keep notes on every single thing. Did he forget? They should know.

I guess he just wasn't in the notes. They flew to, they're not sure what they did. They had to examine his brain. Get out of that skull and see what's going on in there. Well, okay, what about this for making the perfect organism? Yeah. What, as a human being, do we lack?

Right? Gills. Okay, great. We'll add gills to it. Let's make this by community. Well, it also depends on, like, what do you mean by perfect organism? Like... Oh, this is getting noisy.

What's your... What is the perfect organism? What does he want? Yeah, well, that's what I mean. Like, as in, is giving people the ability to breathe on the water, like, is that good? Or is, like, being a jack-of-all-trades bad? Yeah, well, because, like... Because, like, wings and gills seem like something they're missing, but I don't know if that's good.

In combination, they're probably not doing too much. But the thing is, right, like, he was like like i really like human beings because they uh they you know they can create art and they can they can make beautiful things or whatever so the human beings a bit that bit must be good yeah that's perfect it's just that the other parts of us are flawed like we do wars and shit yeah so mix a human with a sheep, with a gorilla, with a tiger, and a whale, and an eagle. I would love to check your notes to see where that list of animals came from. And a mole. We need wheels as well.

Okay, and a car. Yeah, now we're getting somewhere. So, because, okay, human beings' creative impulses and ability to generate new things. A sheep's docility. So we don't do a war. Yeah. Gorilla's strength. Yeah, but unfortunately...

And the war's coming back. The war's coming back in a big way. Not by creative sheep, man. They're tearing each other apart. Okay, what's strong and friendly? Elephant. Muscles. They mourn each other.

Then we get whale gills. A whale doesn't have gills, you silly billy. They are mammals. You can call him a stupid fuck or a dumb cunt if you want. Okay, a dolphin's gills. They don't have gills either. You are so stupid. A fish's gills. They don't have gills either. You are so stupid. A fish's gills.

Thank you. Dolphins and whales have a fucking blowhole, remember? We'll give them a blowhole too. Okay, you know what? I like the blowhole idea. You like the blowhole? Can we have the dolphins' soft but also knife-like skin? Yeah, we'll need to.

Where are you putting the blowhole? On the back. On the back of what? Their back. The animal. Is the animal still walking on two feet like a guy? Yes. So just like on the back,

like in between shoulder blades. It should be on the top of your head. In between shoulder blades. It should be on the top of your head. On the top of your head. But then because this is a land-based creature, most of the time it's just making a horrible sucking noise as air comes in and out of it.

Wait, can dolphins breathe through their mouth as well as the blowhole? I don't know. Probably not. You're asking the wrong podcast basic questions. I guess not, because when they eat a fish underwater, their lungs would get full of air otherwise. Exactly. And then an eagle, well, probably a bat's wings would be clever.

Why would that be clever. Why? Why would that be clever? Well, because I feel like adding feathers into the mix is going to be tricky for when we go underwater. Yeah. That's true. That's true. I'm just trying to fill all the issues. What about penguins? They've got feathers that go underwater. But they can't fly. That's true. That's what I'm trying to tell you. You've both walked straight into

very stupid guy landmines. That's not true. Why don't we use a penguin's feathers? They've got a special oil. They've got a special oil to protect the feathers. We should use the gills of a dolphin. We can take the oil, Hayden. At least penguins do have feathers, okay?

So I always ones them above Jackson. We'll give this being oil from the penguin for Hayden. Okay, thank you. Then a mole's ability to dig. And also somehow see with no eyes, or not good eyes. And then we get rid of its eyes? Well, I don't know, just whatever sense they use to, I thought they had some kind of electromagnetic vibration sense thing. So a mole's mole sense.

Yep, mole power. Okay. And then it cars wheels. It cars wheels. And that's like the Okay. And then it cars wheels. It cars wheels. And that's like the perfect organism because it can do everything. How are we putting... Where are we putting the wheels? Okay.

On the shoulders. Oh, okay. The shoulders... Okay, so it's a lie down to drive situation. Yeah. I was thinking you put them on your feet like rollerblades and then on your hands. Oh, okay. Okay.

So one on all fours. And then how are you holding things if you wear hands and tires? Well, they retract, obviously. They retract? Yeah. Of course they retract. We got a cat's retractable claws and we applied them to wheels. Nice.

Maybe instead of, this is pretty fucked up, instead of fingernails, it's got wheels. Yeah, okay. What? So it has three retractable things on the kn of fingernails, it's got wheels. Yeah, okay. What? So it has three retractable things on the knuckles. No, that's Wolverine. No, it's on the fingernails. You just confused a cat with Wolverine. Yeah. Wheels come

out of the fingernails and toenails for driving. Yeah, that's good. You got gills on the neck, blowhole on the head, bat wings, a sheep's facility, and a human being's capacity to make Mozart. I don't think... I think if you did all of those things to Mozart,

Mozart isn't making Mozart anymore. He's making some sad music. He's making some harsh electronic experimental stuff. What about if we instead of bioengineering a new creature, is there any creature we

could evolve or like maybe not even not a creature like uh well like i don't understand what do you mean not a yeah actually yeah let's evolve a balloon see what happens oh well no i mean like um like maybe going animals is a mistake and we should go, like, plants. Oh, okay. Plant guy could be huge. Get a Groot sort of guy. Yeah. Yeah.

I don't know. I think there's, like, a lot of options that he didn't, like, take advantage of. Well, here's something. Based on how we see how the evolutionary tube works, it just does, like, thousands of years of evolution to a person, I guess, to adapt to their environment better. Why don't you put a human in there? Whoa! Yeah, what happens if he goes in there? Well, I recall reading somewhere

that the things that are going to happen to us as we evolve is we're going to get way bigger eyes, a way smaller mouth. Okay, I'm already, I currently have a very tiny mouth. I've got a condition called baby's mouth. Oh my god. So you've got the mouth of a baby. That's right, I've got the mouth of a baby, yeah. I've got a condition called baby's mouth. Oh, my God.

So you've got the mouth of a baby. That's right. I've got the mouth of a baby, yeah. You're going to be eating tiny grapes for the rest of your life. So I'm actually a higher evolved human. Yeah, possibly. And then less hair, I think, too. Oh, okay. Yeah.

If you imagine a gray alien, that's kind of where we're headed, I think, evolutionarily. I heard as well that a third set of teeth is we live longer. Why? I don't know. Okay. Cool. You heard that or you made that up? It could have been a dream I had.

Okay, so then you put us in the tube, we're human beings in the tube. Yeah, because also if the high evolutionary is running a perfect society, I guess we've got proof that he's not running it that strictly. Because I was like, you're taking guys, you evolve them, chuck them on Earth or counter Earth. Yeah. Just keep an eye on them and then a war's not going to start. But I

guess he was keeping an eye on them and they became addicted to meth. Yeah, exactly. Well, actually, so in the movie, we see his next attempt at the perfect being, who are just like little children with the same haircut and purple eyes. Yeah.

So what was so good about them? Well, one of them joined the new god, so they must have been cool. What? Did we see them use powers at all? Not that I can remember, but that doesn't mean- No, they said jib jib a lot, though. They did say jib jib. That just means friend.

Yeah. Okay. They've got the power of friendship they all look identical yeah he's gone interestingly identical or they're just similar oh maybe they were just similar yeah they all had the same haircut well who did that haircut by the way what do you mean i assume each other yeah did the kids cut each other's hair? Yeah. Did they evolve that haircut? Can you evolve that haircut? It's the perfect haircut. You know what? It is a great haircut. It's the utopian haircut. It's bangs

and sort of some long hair with bangs. A really straight fringe. Yeah. Cause, yeah, so that's, he currently considers them the perfect sort of being. Or at least that's the current working model. Are they going to start doing math or whatever? Maybe. I would them the perfect sort of being or at least that's the the current working model are they gonna start doing math or whatever maybe i would assume so it's just it's just the way of all beings yeah

to eventually make math and do it yeah um so it's interesting with these these new this new race of beings no animals he's kind of moved on from animals At this point It did take him long enough I have to say Well yeah like It's so like I don't understand I don't know driving and talking It's a lot Yeah I don't understand how it took him So long to be like huh animals aren't

Like the key Especially because they look so fucked up but I guess Since he knows that rock But like he didn't evolve rocket to be like that He put shit in it aren't like the key. Especially because they look so fucked up. But I guess since he knows that Rock, but like he didn't evolve Rocket to be like that. He put shit in on him. Yeah, it was a whole

different thing. So I have no idea why this has happened. Maybe like with Rocket he considers him aesthetically unpleasant. He's like. Well, he did.

He's like, yeah, so I made a really clever little rat, but he's gross. Yeah, he's gross in any other way. It's just the spirit of invention that he likes.

Yeah, exactly. I guess that's why he wants to take Rocket's brain out and figure out what the fuck he did. Yeah, he's gross in any other way. It's just the spirit of invention that he likes. Yeah, exactly. I guess that's why he wants to take Rocket's brain out and figure out what the fuck he did. Hey, I got a question. Do you think that, because he obviously put all of the different animals together, he had a very diverse community. Yeah.

Could the panda man and the bat woman have a kid? That's a great question. Can they interbreed and stuff? Because you do only see bat people living with bat people. And have bat people kids. But, yeah, could you get a panda bat? Well, and this is an awesome point of order. What's the pussy and dick situation?

What is the pussy and dick situation? I'm glad someone's finally asking. Yeah, glad we're finally talking about it. Because bats have pussies and dicks. Yeah. They're weird looking. Yeah, and they do do oral sex on each other which is really cool that is cool one of few species besides us that do it which is great somebody should introduce all the other species to it because it is awesome yeah wait till like fucking dolphins find out about slobbing on knobs i was gonna say i think dolphins

are the other one yeah Maybe that's what you do is you only evolve animals that are already sucking each other off. Oh, okay. Then you get the perfect society. It feels like that having sex for pleasure is a higher evolved move. I think it is.

With bugs and stuff, they have sex I don't think it's even pleasurable for them and then they explode. One of them explodes inevitably. Or their dick gets stuck inside them and they, they have sex. I don't think it's even pleasurable for them. And then they explode. One of them explodes inevitably. Or their dick gets stuck inside them and they bleed out to death. And it's the worst thing in the world. That sucks.

Yeah. And they live for one day as well. It makes no sense. Do you think anal is like a... Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let's talk anal. I think bugs are doing a lot of anal. No.

Do you think anal is... Welcome to the anal corner with Jackson B. Bailey. We've been here a lot this week. No. Welcome to the anal corner with Jackson B. Bailey. We've been here a lot this week. This is the scientific question. Oh, okay. Sorry, I didn't realize this was anal science. I'll put on my lab coat.

If I'm just like a basic animal, right? I'm like, I gotta have sex dick and pussy style. But is it clever of an animal to be like, I gotta have sex dick and pussy style. But is it clever of an animal to be like, hold on, what if I try this? There's a hole of a hole. Yeah, like if I was studying my beings

and I saw them have anal sex, I would be like, hold the phone, somebody write that down. That is pretty weird, I suppose. They figured out a new way to do it, that's awesome. I suppose it depends what the motivation is, right? Curiosity. That's good.

That's what you want. The spirit of invention. I don't think a single animal monster was doing anal sex because they wouldn't have been taught about it in their learning by rote thing. And they wouldn't have invented it either. I think anal sex is such a testament to human ingenuity. Yeah, it is. I love it. It's a human form of sex.

Is there any other animal that does anal sex? Probably. I think heaps, to be honest. Yeah, I would say oral sex is probably rarer, right? Yeah, that's true. That's true. I guess all bird sex is anal sex. Yeah.

So it's impressive that the bats did it. But back to your original question, Hayden. What was it? Could the Batman and the Panda man have... Fuck. Probably. Okay. Yeah, well, yeah, okay.

Well, that would have been interesting to see that. It probably would have been confusing. And maybe as an audience member, you'd be like, what the heck is that animal? Look, the movie got away with a fuck, but I don't know if they could get away with full final rotten. Which is a shame.

But it would have been cool if you, like, you know, one scene, and maybe they did this, and just they had a flash of, you know, there's a panda man and a bat woman, and they're walking down the street with a pram, and in the pram is a horrid, horrid looking panda with a messed up nose and big ears.

Like at the end of the movie, the freak that Mantis rescues. Yeah, exactly. What was that? That looked like a dog pig. Oh, that horrible monster. Was the High Evolutionary like, that's going to be the perfect being? A dog pig? It was like dog pig piece of shit.

Goblin, I think. Goblin. Goblin was in there. Okay, so we have a goblin's insatiable greed. And also its skinny little arms and legs. Yeah. And then we have a dog sniffing. And then the pig's torso seemingly is its entire body.

The perfect beard. I like that little guy. Why wasn't he incinerated? I really don't understand the high revolutionaries. Because he made some guys, they were angry, he incinerated them straight away. That's true. Then he made a bunch of other messed up things with seemingly no value to him. And he left them in a cage and...

Then shot them with a gun. Yeah. Wasn't thinking about it. And also everybody's quite upset when he goes in there to shoot them with a gun. They're like, dude, relax or whatever. Yeah, but he's been incinerating so many animals. Yeah, I don't know what the big deal is. Don't know what his line is. Is the High Evolutionary

just massively lazy? Like, I'm thinking about, you're right, Hayden, it's weird that there are a bunch of different animals living on that planet together because the way he does it is by putting random animals in a tube and and evolving them or just doing surgery on them yeah but the ones we see on the on counter earth yeah they're evolved forms of regular animals yeah so what's the thinking there like what is he because like surely you put different animals in the evolution

tube yeah to see if any specific animal fulfills his qualifications of a perfect being, right? Yeah. Okay, yeah. I would assume... That's probably the play, yeah. Just sort of trial and error or just doing it by the...

It's a numbers game, right? If you evolve every single animal 100 million years, one of them might be good. Yeah. But it turns out they're all exactly the same. Yeah. But then he puts all those animals he evolved onto a counter-earth to what?

To... I guess to sauce to see if they do make the perfect society. Yeah. Like, I... Oh, I guess what he's trying to do maybe isn't actually the stupidest piece of shit dumb motherfucker that I thought he was.

Okay. Because is Counter Earth what Earth would be like without humans? Is that his go? He basically turns them into humans. Yeah, but I know that that's what happens. But is he... Is that the play?

But then I guess he likes the humanity side. Like the art and shit. A dog's not going to fucking record. A cool podcast about pop culture. Yeah, and like fucking elephant person's probably not going to drop the money store by death grips. But so Counter Earth was just Earth, right? Yeah, it seemed like a 70s version of Earth.

The car, okay. So, this is a crazy question. Is a car art? Oh, because there's a car on Counter-Earth. You're trying to figure out how the fuck that car... Yeah. There's a car behind us flashing their lights because we're in the wrong lane. We're not on...

We're passing this drop. We're in the overtaken lane. Yeah, it's fine their lights because we're in the wrong lane. We're passing this truck. We're in the overtaken lane. Yeah, it's fine. Yeah, we're okay. Hey, guy, we're recording the podcast again. Give us a break. But yeah, so did the high evolutionary put a specific car from Earth into counter-Earth to be like, let's see if that makes them make beethoven yeah did they

make their houses in the car like did they invent everything there because i like you know a car is a it's a creation you have to decide decide aesthetically what it looks like you have to like there's so much about it in a way a car is art so is a shoe i think my in my so i guess head canon is that he made the houses and the cars and made the suburbs and everything and kind of let them loose in there that kind of makes sense be like hey you two are a couple you live together figure it out so how old do you reckon that earth is well considering they've like developed methamphetamines, I'd say... Actually, I reckon it probably happened straight after the rocket stuff. Yeah, I actually don't think... It can't have been that long, really.

How old is Rocket? Rocket's like 30. Wait, what? You don't know the answer to that, do you? No, he doesn't. Hang on, hang on. They made meth but didn't make their houses? Wait, yeah, if they're selling...

You're absolutely right. Yeah, that's absurd. Unless the higher revolutionary inserted how to make meth into them, then they are showing the inventiveness of a higher revolutionary animal. Meth is art. Meth is art. They made meth. They did what you

wanted them to do, high revolutionary. You fuckhead. This is, this is, yeah, because it's a very high revolutionary

thing. Yeah. You wanna get high because reality sucks. Yes. Knowing that reality sucks is like you have to have a big

wrinkled brain. Yeah. There's only a few animals that do it. We obviously do it as humans. I think elephants do it and some birds do it. That's so sad that elephants need to escape their lives. Dude, they mourn their dead. They're sad.

They're a deeply, deeply sad creature. When you see an elephant... They never forget. Yeah. They never forget the tragedies in their lives I'm depressed and I will not forget

they're trying yeah they eat like rotting fruit from bottom to trees yeah that's right oh yeah you can get that you can drink that

you can drink it you get Amarula it's elephant juice baby elephant juice elephant piss so like they are creating they're doing it

they're making stuff from nothing yeah methamphetamines methamphetamines yes it's not ideal okay They're like, they are creating. They're doing it. They're making stuff from nothing. Yeah. Methamphetamines. Methamphetamines, yes. It's not ideal. Okay. There are other things that you-

It could be worse. They could be making heroin. Yeah, but don't explode them. But hang on. Just redirect that energy. But- See, my plan was a good plan. No.

Let them invent meth. Get in a couple of dust-ups. Have your fun as a society. Then eventually invent some kind of new flying car. I don't know. I don't know what this guy wants. That's a good

question. What does he want? Rocket accuses him of not actually wanting... He wants to be God, right? That's the real thing. Yeah, he's got a big God complex, I guess. And yeah, he's not inventing anything to this because he wants to perfect something. He just hates things the way they are. Yeah, that's true. Okay, with the meth, right?

Yeah. So meth is a specific, you know, it's a chemistry thing. It's specific chemicals brought together to make the methamphetamines. Yeah. Now, we made that... It's what Walter White makes. Yes, that's right. That is true. Now, we made meth onines. Yeah. That's what Walter White makes. Yes, that's right. That is true.

Now, we made meth on Earth. Yeah. And we did it well. Did they make Earth? Especially Walter White. Walter White makes the best meth because his is blue. And Jesse Pinkman puts chili flakes in his meth. Yes, chili flakes.

Like a lunatic. But hang on. They created Earth meth? Well, it might have just been a new drug. I mean, Peter Quill just calls it meth. And the High Revolutionary is like, I know what you're talking about.

They don't say like, yes, this is specifically meth. It's just a bag of drugs. It would be weird if the High Evolutionary was like, no, it's not meth actually. It's actually glue glob. A brand new drug. Yeah, they make a glue glob and it's was like, no, it's not meth actually. It's not actually meth. It's actually glue glob. A brand new drug. Yeah, they're making glue glob and it's fucking them up, but it's not meth. Yeah, that's a good point. Well, then if they're making meth, did they make the car they drive?

Well, no, I think they didn't make the car they drove. So then they snuck meth equipment somehow? Who's they? The animal men. No, I think they made it up. I think they invented it. They had to have. Yeah, but I don't understand the resources they have.

Oh, I see. They can't make a car. Like, physically, they need the machinery and stuff. Well, I would think that if you were the high revolutionary, you'd want to make a functioning society. A functioning society would need a hospital and some kind of science lab or

something so i think you could get the material wait have they made methamphetamines from like medicine basically like i was thinking that before and i was like oh but they haven't really invented it but still they're changing how it's used yeah it's still to get high for nefarious things right so even if they were even if they were just straight up like Vicodin or just like prescription medicine, they would have been given the recipe to because you need medicine for a functioning society. Even if they were selling that,

I think the act of wanting to get Balotto is cool. Yeah, that's... You happy with that? It's cool as hell. Yeah, man. I turned to Otto from The Simpsons. No, but I think it's sort of what we're saying is like they're changing how it's used. They are inventing and getting high.

I guess, though, for the high evolutionary, it's awesome they created, but what they created was negative. Yeah. So maybe he's like, they're not the perfect being because, yeah, they made meth, and that's really amazing. Yeah yeah they made meth and that's really amazing but they made meth as opposed to something different but then

it still seems like he's pretty hypocritical on the whole thing and I don't think finding Rocket Raccoon is really going to get him anywhere at the end of the day I don't think so either he's going to crack that little rat's brain open and be like I don't know what I'm looking at so is he a clever man. I don't think so either. He's going to crack that little rat's brain open and be like, I don't know what I'm looking

at. So is he a clever man? Nah. I don't think so. But he's not as dumb as we originally thought. Yeah. No, I think he pretty

much was. I think I assessed him correctly. And you're also team drugs are cool. Yeah. Is that what I said? You said.

You know what? I back it. Do whatever you want. Who cares? Hell yeah. And on that note, I said you know what I back it do whatever you want who cares hell yeah and on that note I've been Joel I've been Jackson

I've been Hayden and Hayden where can we find you you can listen to shut up a second it is a podcast on the Sands Pants Network you guys

you guys have both been on it a million times yeah we used to host it yeah you did but it was bad when we hosted it. Hey, guess what, fella?

It's still bad. Oh! The Sandspan Classic. We are continuing. I don't know what I'm saying. Oh, my God. That's why it's bad. Yeah.

I don't know what to say anymore. We are seven hours into a car trip. Yeah, we are seven hours into driving on a straight road. So you can forgive me a little bit. You've got to forgive this whole episode. You know we lost our minds. There was what felt like a long, long time, probably ten minutes, where we just spoke as SpongeBob characters on this drive right before recording.

I did a really good Squidward. Let's hear it. Yeah, let's hear it. To bring us home, SpongeBob. You boob. That was you, Patrick. Hey, SpongeBob. You boob. That was you, Patrick? Hey, SpongeBob. Oh, hey, Squidward.

Why don't you two get back to work? Mr. Krabs. Oh, hey, Mr. Krabs. You need to pay me money. Oh, hey, SpongeBob. Now I'm Mr. Krabs. All right, we got to stop the podcast before this turns into another 20 minutes. Thanks for listening, sir. The sound quality was a bit worse than normal, but we

literally recorded this on the Hume freeway. Goodbye. Goodbye. Go on, then. Be bad. No, I don't think you're Squidward for this one. Hi, Joss Hammett, if you're squidward for this one hi joss how many of you are editing this i was going to be squidward the whole time how many of you are editing this just to get you

some context it's 5 36 in the evening uh we've been driving for like five and a half hours and we're about to do the plumbing we just did a synchronized shit at a BP in a town called Chumbawumba or something. Yeah, now you're pretty much a breast. Some people smoke a weed in the car next to us. We also spent way too long pretending to be Spongebob characters just doing this. Spongebob! Spongebob!

Oh, hey, Spongebob. It's been a really fun drive. It's been a big drive. Alright, are we going to stop before we get out? I think it's funnier to do it while you have to concentrate. SpongeBob. It's been a really fun drive. It's been a big drive. Alright. Are we going to stop before we get out? I think it's funnier to do it while you have to go on the train. Yeah? I think so.

I think this is the exit. That sign says no exit. That sign does say no exit. But I think you should try. No, because that will lead onto the wrong side of the freeway. Okay. We're doing a loop of the 7-Eleven.

You're getting a little bit of preambles. I was buying a waffer. It does sound like trouble, but we're buying a waffer. They're selling fat worms, chode worms.

They sell fat worms and also big worms. Fat and big worms. Okay, we're back to where we were before. Surely you don't go through... Wait, is that... Does that say exit?

It says one way. No, over there. Hey, there's only one option. Did you miss't go through... Wait, is that... Does that say exit? It says one way. No, over there. Hey, there's only one option. Did you miss it last? It's there. That says exit. Oh, you have to go left here, I think. Yeah, okay.

That is confusing. So, like, left here? No, because I'm on the other side of that arrow, yeah. That seems like it just takes you to the truck graveyard, which is scary. I reckon maybe the next one, go left. Wait, can you? Yeah. What the fuck? What the... Zamit, we don't know what the fuck's is scary. I reckon maybe the next one goes there. Wait, can you? Yeah. What the fuck?

What the? Zabit, we don't know what the fuck's going on. Yeah, what the fuck? Any? Or is it? It must be through here, actually. This is confusing. What the hell?

There is not. That says give Wimber. That does say give Wimber. No, I think we found our way out. Have we? Mm-hmm.