Plumbing the Death Star - Our Quibbles with Squibs

Episode Date: December 1, 2014

In which our heroes fail to exhibit any magical tendencies, are barred from attending Hogwarts, and become janitors as we wonder where Squibs fit into the Harry Potter Universe. We discuss Filch's unfortunate situation, Wizard genetics, Wizard medical procedures and the double standard of Mudbloods and Squibs. Jackson wonders how many Hermiones there are, Zammit gets existential about paintings, and Duscher just assumes he'd be a Wizard no matter what. It's an unfortunate, scramble for a job suitable for a Squib as we avoid being Squid shamed and watch all the cool kids learn magic while we can’t even learn how to mix a potion or tame a dragon. Want to help us enrol in Wizarding Community College? Head to http://www.patreon.com/sanspantsradio and for as little as $1 a month, you can help make a difference in our magicless lives. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Sandstones Radio, how big do you think your coffin will be? Hey, today's episode is brought to you by Samuel Strickland. Hey Samuel, let's hold hands. Hey guys, and welcome to another episode of Plumbing the Death Eaters, where we ask the important questions like, where do squibs fit into the Harry Potter universe? No, let's get serious here. If wizards were real, I'd be one. That's true.

I think I'd be a squib. I like that they let squibs into the school anyway. What's a squib? A squib is someone who's born to magical parents. Basically a wizard retard. It's like a wizard cripple is a squib. No, a squib is a muggle born to wizard parents. Oh, you'd be like...

I'd be like, and the fucked up thing is they still get to go to Hogwarts. Or at least Filch did. No, no, he doesn't go to Hogwarts. He works at Hogwarts. It's because they're aware of the magic. That he must have tried out. And Dumbledore's like,

I'm going to get a janitor position. No, squibs is fucked because the reason they're allowed into Hogwarts is because their parents are wizards so they're aware of all wizarding culture and know what's real, but they just can't. They can do just fuck all. Hey, Filch, do a spell.

Fuck you. Oh, Filch, you're of age. Time to go to Hogwarts. What's that? He's not doing any... Why is there no letter? It wouldn't even be that It'd be like Filch would come up because he'd know about Hogwarts He'd be like when's my letter coming daddy?

And he'd be like You're retarded son Where's the letter daddy? Filch we have to have a talk You're a squib Filch A what? A squib and a thump in good You're a wizard retard A squib, Filch. A what? A squib and a thumping good one.

You're a wizard retard. I'm a what? A wizard spastic, son. And a thumping good one at that. Would there be, like, welfare for them? There's got to be something. A special school? Where it's like, we can't teach...

Surely, you know what? It's like potions. See, I was? Where it's like, we can't teach... Surely, you know what? It's like potions. See, I was going to think. Like, a squib could learn potions and maybe herbology and care for magical creatures. Yeah. You don't need to be a wizard to know how to look after a hippogriff.

But it's dangerous because, like, if things go wrong... You're a squib. You don't care. You just want to get a little taste of the action. Magical history is also something you could learn about. Muggle studies? Yeah. But, no, because... Muggle studies would just be a slap of the action. Magical history is also something you could learn about. Muggle studies? Muggle studies would just be a slap in the face.

This is probably going to be the most useful to you. Other students at this school will become Aurors, Dragon Tamers, you're going to maybe become an accountant. You could become a Dragon Tamer. I guess you could, but I imagine Squibs are just desperate for anything. You've got to be careful.

No way, if you were a Squib and you were going for anything. You've got to be careful. No way. If you were a squib and you were going for a position as a dragon tamer, they're like, all right, so I got this guy that just smashed Hogwarts. Yeah, his owls, his newts, his geckos, fucking beautiful. You, just... Your ATAR is high 90s, I guess. That's good. Look at your resume here.

You did accounting, drama,s, I guess. That's good. Look at your resume here. You did accounting, drama, graphics, and special maths. I just need you to disarm my wand just so that I can see that you're capable. Oh, I see. Sorry, I didn't know. Squib. Okay, let's role play here. All right, you're looking after a dragon.

I'm an evil, nefarious dragon thief who's come to steal the dragon with my wand. You've just got to do a quick disarm spell or else I'm taking your dragon. I'd probably call the authorities. I've already taken the dragon and melted half the world and I'm going off to take the other half by fear of my dragon. But maybe Squibs would get through because they'd be like, disarm me and he'd just slap the wand out of his hand.

Or he'd pull it on. That's a good point because a lot of wizards just don't understand muggle technology. Wizards don't understand muggle technology. It's fucked. They don't understand what a car... Not even a car. Fucking Arthur Weasley in the second book,

when Harry's at Ron's house, comes in and he's like, tell me about rubber ducks. It's like, you couldn't figure that out, Arthur Weasley? You didn't see a rubber duck in a bath and be like, ah, it's a bath toy. You were like, what the fuck? What's this about? I don't understand.

It could just be simply, you know, disarm me. Pulling out a gun. Bang. Bang. You shot... What is... Oh, God.

Oh, God. Spouts or a removed bullet and fixed wounds. Pulling out a gun Bang You shot What is Oh god Oh god Help Spouts or remove bullet And fix wound You're hired You're under arrest Would you know But like

With like You kind of like Remove Because Bullets Because you're like What is this This is

I don't understand Oh god Nah It might be like Accio bullet Yeah But you wouldn't have the word for it They know what bullets are

Do they They know what bullets are. Do they? They know what bullets are. He doesn't know what a fucking rubber ducky is. But Arthur Weasley's fucking retarded. I'm sure like most wizards. He works in the muggle studies, which means that he should know more about them than other people.

Yeah, I know. It's a bit of a mystery, that. Do a lot of the families live with Muggles? In the muggle society and muggle world Or are they like nope we're living in wizard society Because you see the Weasley's house And it's like this fucking towering Like it's in the middle of a field

But presumably the farmers on either side Of them are just muggles Presumably that Britain Is not gentrified into wizarding sectors and muggle sectors, all we'd notice, right? Well, no, because they turn their eyes and shit appears out of nowhere.

Yeah, no, because remember, they've got to go through the Leaky Cauldron to get to Diagon Alley, and then from there, it leads into wizard places. Yeah, but somebody's got to go down the street the Leaky Cauldron's on. Somebody's got to walk past a coffee shop and a place selling video games before they get to the Leaky Cauldron's on. Somebody's got to walk past a coffee shop and a place selling video games before they get to the Leaky Cauldron. They're not just like, what the fuck?

Oh, yeah, no, you're right. Also, they've got to go to a train station. Yeah. Like, if they're waiting at the train station and they see, like, a kid on a Game Boy, are they just like, what the fuck? They see a kid with, like, a fucking backpack and they lose their shit.

Yeah, everybody's got fucking slings. Yeah. just like what the fuck they say it can be like a fucking backpack and they lose their shit yeah yeah everybody's got fucking slings yeah like a fucking satchels and shit do they even know they have trunks they don't know that's dumb get a backpack yeah so as an aside now with all the paintings and how they all have like life yeah does that mean if you drew yourself you technically split your soul i i don't really get paintings and how paintings work have life, does that mean if you drew yourself, you technically split your soul? I don't really get paintings and how paintings work. Is it like a living hell for them in that they can't escape? Because Dumbledore, when he dies

and then he's on the wall in the end as a headmaster and he can sort of walk to other paintings and have a chat and shit, does he have all the same consciousness that Dumbledore proper had? What if they leave the painting and then you remove that painting? Like you burn it? No, not even that, because they can walk into

other paintings, and assuming that means they can only walk into other paintings that are in the same room or the same area No, no, because you get I'm pretty sure the painting There's like a black, not serious, black dad or granddad or something can like go from like one painting to the other in the house and then one in hogwarts and plus when that what's the woman who you need to trick to get us to the gryffindor tower the fat lady when she escapes because fucking serious

black slashes the shit out of her face or peter pettigrew or whatever she trips off to like a totally different painting yeah that's yeah no i get that but what happens if you then so peter okay peter pettigrew destroyed the painting set it on fire whatever it's gone she is just stuck in someone else's painting though i guess so other paintings yeah someone could like paint up like a background and she'd be like, I like this background now. I'll go live here. Also, another fucked thing about paintings, when Harry, I'm pretty sure at some point, Harry does something.

Oh yeah, in the end of the series where he's like wanted. Yeah. He's like evil in that photo. Is that just an evil Harry? No, more like, does that mean that if you write like if i drew myself slightly eviler yeah like if you drew a picture of yourself and then wrote underneath like this is a cunt zamet with that painting it'd be a nicer version no basically i drew myself or someone drew me with like evil eyes evil eye you, frowning and horns and shit. But that means the article is also...

Influential of what the painting is going to be. Question about squibs. Also, another thing, just on paintings, before we get back to squibs, which are hilarious. It's a good one. Squib, it's the best. It's quite an offensive sounding word. It just sounds like retard in a different language. Yeah, it does. You's the best. It's quite an offensive sounding word. It just sounds like retard in a different

language. Yeah, it does. You squib motherfucker. You retard motherfucker. Don't treat him nice. He's a squib. He's got a touch of squibs. Oh, I didn't know. I'm so sorry. Yeah, but with this photographs, what the fuck is the point

of taking a photograph since the people are just going to move all about anyway? Yeah, well that's what I wonder. Are those like, there's that photo that of Ron Weasley's family at Egypt. And they're like... I just figured they were like gifts. Yeah, but no, but they're quite animated. It's like, oh hey, they don't just loop. They're like, oh hey. You're right, they do.

And they wander around and they go and like play in the pyramid in the background. Yeah, do they have... They're trapped. It's like a prison for them. But like, is it sentience though? Enough sentience. Also, but then that serious black one where he's holding the, like he's like,

oh, I'm in Azkaban. That just loops. Yeah, that does just loop. What the fuck, wizards? Yeah, I'm going to say they're gifts, but they don't loop. So squibs. Yep, back to squibs.

Back to the magical retards. You could probably find out your kid was a squib. There's probably a magical way of checking it out, right? Uh-oh. Wizard abortions. I feel in the magical world, abortions could be really easy. Think about it realistically.

Not an AC of fetus. Because let's think about this realistically So you live in a world where literally anything is possible There's basically no rules for a wizard And then you know that your kid is going to be born into that world With none of the same capabilities you have In terms of fairness that is just awful Could you like like, magic

magic onto them? I don't think so. But I bet if you had twins, and one of them was a squib and one wasn't, and the squib ate the magic one, you'd probably have a bit of magic. A bit. You'd still have a touch of the squib.

It'd still be a touch of the squib. Touch of the squib. Going back to your thing About like twins In utero I don't think they're actual twins But Art Petunia Harry's auntie

Is she a squib? She's not a squib She's just a muggle She's a muggle Lily's parents muggle She's a mudblood Is Lily a mudblood? She's a muggle Because Lily Lily's parents She's a mudblood She's a mudblood Is Lily a mudblood

Or is she a half She's a mudblood Half cast No no Not even half cast Mudblood That's a That's a wizard born to muggle parents

Yeah Like Hermione Mudblood Filthy Filthy Disgusting mudblood Mudbloods and squibs You wouldn't want to be both

Actually hang on If you were both You'd just be So is a squibs you wouldn't want to be both actually hang on if you were both so is a squib just a human yep effectively no it's a muggle no a mud blood squib would be a human no but no but if a wizard's give say i'm the product of two wizards getting freaky yeah i'm just a muggle yeah so if you sayet, Joel Zamet, as you are, not a wizard version of you, found out about Hogwarts, would you be a squib? No, I'd be a muggle. Why not?

Because my parents weren't magical. No, squibs are only... No, but the only thing that differentiates a squib is that they know of the magical world. No. They're a muggle. The only thing that differentiates a squib and a muggle or a squib and a muggle is...

A squib is born to magical parents. Yeah, I know, but I mean, like, physically. Oh, physically, yeah. Oh, physically, yeah. Yeah, like, I understand what a squib is, but I mean, the only thing that is, like... Literally the only thing that is different. Yeah, is that they know about the fucking magic world. That's ridiculous.

And I mean... It's... Yeah, it just sounds like racism almost. It sounds really offensive. It's sort of like how mudblood is offensive, but Squibb's not. Yeah, I know. They're like, but Filch tries to hide the fact that he's a Squibb. He's a shame.

Yeah. I think Squibb is more like a deformity you don't want to tell people about. But the thing is with Squibb's, and again, like this is just Harry Potter. They have a cat called Mrs. Norris. That's a dumb name for a cat. That sounds like he knew an actual Mrs. Norris who died and he named the cat after her. I had a teacher called Mrs. Norris in grade one and I told her

that she was named after a cat in Harry Potter and then later found out that cat dies. That's great. It's good. Does a cat die? Yeah. In like the second one? Yeah. Oh no, it just gets turned to stone. It's not dead. Isn't it petrified? Brain damage, maybe, but it's not dead. Is it coming back from turning into stone?

Yeah. Do you not read the second Harry Potter book? Not since I was in high school. So. What a faggot. I read it every day. Harry Potter for life. No, I'm not a big fan.

But if you're a squib, why not? Why not just, like, if you are born, like, mentally challenged or you're born with no legs, you can still go to school in our world. There's still stuff you can do. It's like to the underworlds for you. Yeah, it's not like, oh, what's that? You have no arms? Janitor.

Janitor of this high school. What's that? You can't math? Yeah. You have to live in the sewers. Sewer and clean the toilets Because fuck you Whereas Filch comes in and is like

Look I'm actually really willing to learn potions All of that stuff that doesn't Or maybe he was But then just didn't have the aptitude For it and just failed everything And he's like I'm putting it all on Filch Frankly that's on Filch

No sympathies What is squib shaming? We're squib shaming and that's not okay Yeah I think it's on him. Do you need to have a magical aptitude to do potions? Could I learn potions? I reckon you could. Kudusha? I'm already a wizard so not only would I

learn potions, I'd master them Transfiguration Making rats cups That's where you're going to be good a wizard, so not only would I learn potions, I'd master them. Transfiguration. Making rats cups. That's where you're going to be good. Yeah, I think I'd be really good at transfiguration. Charms, I think I'd be okay too. Potions, honestly, I would probably suck at. Also, potions are like the only one that requires learning. I love that.

Like, all of the subjects that nobody likes are the ones that require thought. Potions, you're like, hang on, I've got to think what actually goes into this. Charms is like like wave your arm right you did it well done how does that work as a club how is year one charms different to like final year charms

is it a more complicated hand movement fingers a fucking mess break your thumb that's a fail I'm sorry that's a fail, I'm sorry, that's a fail You got a F on your F And surely, if you gave Oh no, you don't need, the wand isn't magic, is it?

No, yeah it is So if you gave Filch a wand, he couldn't do a spell? No What's the point then? The wand picks you for some reason If you use someone else's wand Filch goes on to get a wand, just gets a pen. So it's not so much that you're a squib,

it's just more like no wand likes you. Nah. Nah, because it's more... Because I think wizards have innate magic as well. Hagrid. He had a wand. And he still has one. They snapped his wand.

Put a bit of it in the bone. When he got expelled. In the umbrella. What did he get expelled for? Did he kill a dude? Nah, he got framed for something. Spiders and basilisks. Oh, that's right, yeah. Well, that's on him. He shouldn't have kill a dude? Nah, he got framed for something. Spiders and basilisks. Oh, that's right, yeah.

Well, that's on him. He shouldn't have had that spider. No, he got framed. He got framed for... Shouldn't have had that spider. Killing a dude, I think. Shouldn't have had that spider. Ah! He got framed for the basilisk killing someone.

Oh, that's right. He did, didn't he? Because he shouldn't have had that spider. He still shouldn't have had that spider. No. Honestly, all of Hagrid's career should have been that you shouldn't have had that. Shouldn't have had that spider. Shouldn't have had that dragon that you shouldn't have had that. Shouldn't have had Spider, shouldn't have had Dragon Egg, shouldn't have had that Buckbeak. Frankly, I don't like that Dumbledore was fired

because his replacement wasn't the best kind of an abusive cunt, but he shouldn't have kept Hagrid on. Certainly shouldn't have given Hagrid a teaching position. God, no. If somebody at your high school was framed for murder of several students... Not even just framed for murder. Did they say, like... We know he was framed, but are they like, did you do it?

Was he convicted? Or are we highly suspicious? I think it was because he technically didn't... It's like if your dog kills someone. Oh, so they were like, your spider killed shit, yeah? No, it's... The snake. No, don't they think that the basilisk was his?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So yeah, the snake petrified people, and they're like, you fucked up. So if somebody at your high school... I went and bought a puma. Yep. And... All right.

Good choice. He hid under my bed for a while. Yep. Now, the puma escapes. Uh-oh. Uh-huh. But unbeknownst to me Like Freddy over there He's bought a tiger

Tiger mauls somebody And they're like fucking that was that Puma That Puma fucking Zamet had Zamet gets convicted Goes to jail But then the principal of the school is like let's keep him on as a janitor And everyone's like but he had that fucking Puma And then he's like let's get him a teacher

Of looking after pumas. That's what happens. He's like, yeah, you had that puma and you never found that puma. Teaching job. You seem job worthy. Yeah. He's like, I'll get you a job teaching kids how to handle dangerous animals. And don't kids get cut pretty badly?

Blast-ended scroots burn some kids. And Buckbeak fucks up Draco, doesn't he? I know, it's ridiculous. That's on Dumbledore, let's be honest. It is. Dumbledore should fire Dumbledore. There is so much on Dumbledore. He's a negligent man. Here's a time-turner.

Don't change anything, just go to a billion classes. That's basically like giving a kid methamphetamines. It is. I'm pretty sure he probably also did give her methamphetamines. Yeah, well, I'm sure Hermione was probably on meth. On meth already.

If you're travelling in... Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Here we go. So they travel in time. She's traveling back in time constantly to go to classes that clash. How many Hermione's were in the school at once? At least four. At the very least.

Did Hermione have to kill the other Hermione's when she was done? I would hope so. But then four different of hers are going to four different classes. When is she... Which one's the real her? They're all the real her. Just, like, one is making two hours younger. One is two hours older. One is...

When are they all coming together? Every time she does that, she makes new Hermione's. No! She goes back in time. Yeah. Not making a new Hermione. No, no, no. She goes back in time, so there's two of her. Yeah, at that time. At that time. And then she goes back in time. Yeah. I'm not making a new Hermione. Yeah, no, no. She goes back in time, so there's two of her.

Yeah, at that time. At that time. And then she goes back in time again, so there's three of her. Okay, so it's midday, all right? Yeah. Okay, class, there's two classes on,

midday till one that she has to go to. So the first is she attends midday to one o'clock. At one o'clock, she turns the time back so that she can go back and do the midday to one o'clock. At one o'clock, she turns the time back so that she can go back and do the midday to one. So there's two of her at that point. So the person who already did herbs is now going on to do potions

at the same time that she was doing herbs. What happens to the one doing herbs? When Hermione finishes doing potions? Then she went back in time to do potions. Yeah, but there's two of her knocking around. Yeah, for that one hour. For that one hour. And then at the end of that hour, it's

because the original one has to have gone back in time, so that's what happens to that person. No, no, no, it's still fucked though, because if there's like four... Why are classes clashing? Like, and how is she picking up electives, but it it's real secretive? They would have known.

You'd think. Which means that... Dumbledore should have been fired. Dumbledore, he should be on the way out halfway through the first book. At least. But a squib could learn care of magical creatures. Oh, easy.

But I feel like care of magical creatures is tough because magic is sort of used to like... If things go wrong, the squib's out of his depth. Honestly, if I was a squib in this world... I'd kill myself. No, I would just learn a bit of potions, have a lot of polyjuice, and just fake it. Just fake it so much.

Okay, you faked it into Hogwarts. Good. You're in Hogwarts. Okay, first class charms. Okay, you faked it into Hogwarts. Good. You're in Hogwarts. Okay, first class charms. Okay, are we guarding Leviosa? Or Zammett? I'm gonna long bottom it, right? So just fuck up. I'm not even long bottom it because he

fucks up, fucks up. Yeah, no, he fucks up but he's clearly magic. In a magical way? You're fucking up as in like, we're guarding Leviosa. Where's your wand? Yeah, where's your wand, Zammett? I'll just have it in the back of the class. There's like a... Xamon, could you please come down to the front

to demonstrate Wingardi Flaviosa? There's 30 kids, maybe a bit more class. Also, you snuck into the class and they're like, who are you? Who's this guy? Probably just, you know, bang some more. Remember they put the sorting hat in your hand? The sorting hat's just going to be like,

scrim! Scrim! And then just guys in white coats are going to grab you, take you to Dumbledore's office. It's like it's either the loony bin or a janitor. Have a lemon sherbet. And fuck off. I like this like fucking tough as nails cockney British Dumbledore.

Have it or fuck off. Have a lemon sherbet. Or get on your fucking bike, mate. Yeah, chutz. I ain't having no squibs in here. Squib free since 98. I made my own polyjuice. Fuck off.

Fuck off. Piece of shit who you think you are. Yeah, beautiful. That's classic Dumbledore. The ultimate Dumbledore. He should be fired. Before he got old and, you know. The ultimate Dumbledore. He should be fired. Before he got old and, you know. Squibs are awful.

They have it rough. They have it so rough. I got such Squib sympathy. Same. I tried to fake my way to get some sweet wizard poon, but no. You're not learning a shit, man. The fucking sorting hat found me straight away. I'm fucked.

You're being Squib-sh in the moment you walk in the door They're like who's this motherfucking squib I'm not a squib They'll be like shut up squib Cause you'd make some friends initially And then they'd find out and they'd just turn on you There'd be no response You wouldn't make friends you wouldn't even survive a day

You'd go on the train I'll have some friends And then as soon as it's like you know everyone's like i hope he's in my fucking i'm at ravenclaw i hope he's a he's a cool guy he made me laugh for the train fucking kill that prick i'll have no script i don't know this guy i don't even ravenclaw for fuck that guy janitor or prison is He's in shit. Wizarding World is... Dementor kiss. Dementor kiss that guy. Wizarding World is mean. Dementor, make out with that squib.

I like it's like Mudblood's, that's disgusting language. Squibs? Ha! What a faggot. Idiots. And also Mudblood's like, yeah, gross, but you're allowed. We think. Some serious racial, almost racial segregation. It's like it's the fucking 1910s up in Hogwarts.

Hogwarts is probably like the Wizarding World is so down for eugenics. Yeah, no. Breed the squibs out. Mudbloods are like, it's sort of like. Basically Slytherin's fucking. Yeah, house motto. No squibs no mud plugs keep the blood pure

if you have a hot sister make out with her and breed some pure bloods Slytherin down for incest as long as in the name of eugenics

not in the name of the name of magical purity man fuck wizards dumb just dumb well I've been Jackson Bailey I've been Joel Zamet Man, fuck wizards. Dumb. Just dumb.

Well, I've been Jackson Bailey. I've been Joel Zammett. I've been Joel Dusha. Squibs have it rough. Sorry, guys. Sucks to be a squib. Form a support group. Yeah.

Or something, man. And fuck you, Dumbledore. Take better care of your students. God damn. Hey, if you enjoyed Plumbing the Death Star, you should check out our sister show, Shut Up a Second. Let's get your two favorite boys. Me and Jackson.

Slight Plumbing the Death Star, but without the dead white. Oh, you mean me? Rude. Fuck off, Joel. Anyway, as I was saying, search for Shut Up a Second on iTunes and Stitcher. We look forward to being in your ear holes soon.