Plumbing the Death Star - What Would You Do if You Found Them Ninja Turtles?

Episode Date: June 11, 2023

Once again the boys have found themselves in a sewer looking for clams but this time they’ve found some slopped up turtles and they appear to be growing up at an alarming rate! From teenage mutant toddler turtles to teenage mutant teenage turtles, the boys are taking it upon themselves to raise their new found turtle sons which inevitably ends up with the turtles being used in one of their harebrained schemes. Jackson wants them as goons for a security scam, Zammit wants to run a legitimate landscaping business and JD forgets his turtle sons are actually his tortoise sons. So inject us straight into your veins to get that feeling of blappiness and don’t trust anything Al Pacino tells you when you’re on a bus.Buy our terrible merch here and check out the Bad Brain Boys on Apple Podcasts at apple.co/badbrainboys. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Ahem. Ahem. You're listening to the SansPants Network. Hey everyone, and welcome to this week's episode of Plumbing the Death Star. I'm Joel. I'm Jackson. And I'm also Joel. Why'd you pause and look at me? What happened there?

It was like you were like, where am I? No, it's because the intro felt wrong and I thought I'd fucked it up. That's fair. And then it wasn't fucked up. I did the right thing. Yeah, sometimes your brain just takes a while to catch up with you. It takes a break. What you got to do next time your brain takes a break is say, duh.

And then you can carry on. It's like a silent duh. I feel we all put the duh there. Yeah, we know the duh's there. Yeah. Anyway, this is a podcast that asks important questions like, what would you do if you found them Ninja Turtles? Okay, so we're in the sewer for whatever reason.

We're full on hard times, good times. We don't know. Good times. We had a Thursday off. I heard there's clams in the sewer. Who from? I forget. Clams?

I'm going to finally see if it was alligators or crocodiles or a third one. What's that third one? Clams? No. I want to say caimans, but that sounds like an island chain. Well, it is an island, but it's also a kind of alligator. I was right. But then that's an alligator. Making it an alligator

I thought it was a third different thing. Alligatoids? No, they're alligators. Aren't they crocodilians? Is an alligator a crocodilian? Yeah, and a crocodile's a crocodilian too. And so then a caiman is also a crocodilian? Yeah.

I'm going to ask those fuckers in the source. Hey, are you a crocodilian? Oh, okay. Hey, do they hiss normally? I think they... No, that's snakes. We've got to go. Dude, that's snakes.

I don't know what that is. That's one huge snake with legs. We've got to go. Hey, before we go know what that is. That's one huge snake with legs. We got to go. Hey, before we go, is that some slopped up turtles? Holy shit, they're glowing from all that radiation. We shouldn't be down here. So are we getting the Ninja Turtles just after they've been oozed? How old are they?

Do we have to train them? I'm trying to remember a lot of turtles' history of lore. Yeah, a lot of turtle lore. Lucky there's not much. Thank Christ for that. But sometimes it's, yeah, it's daredevil. Oh, that's true. The toxic ooze that makes him blind also makes turtles turtles.

Yeah. No, it makes turtles guys. It makes turtles guys. Turtles are actually already turtles. Yeah. Of course. Because sometimes its splinter is already like there but also sometimes the bit of the the ooze drops on the rat that's right because are they from

the lab no but splinter is because or he was like a samurai's pet yeah he was a guy he just watched him train he's like yeah i get it even though i have a rat brain i understand yeah and he passed that knowledge on to the turtles yeah although sometimes i think he's a though I have a rat brain, I understand. Yeah, and he passed that knowledge on to the turtles. Although sometimes I think he's a man who became a rat like the turtles are turtles that became man. He got the slime on him to make him a rat. What? I think that's sometimes how it goes.

But in this instance, we're like, oh my god, are those turtles? Because one of us stood on them. So we had the three. There was always three ninja turtles. I stood on splint. That's so funny. Can you imagine I'm just eliminating a turtle for no reason? I have one each.

All right, fair enough, Jackson. Get rid of a turtle. I got spooked and stomped on this one. Are those four turtles? That one's snapping at me. Don't worry, they're all dead. I wasn't worried. If anything, I'm more worried about that hissing alligator from before.

If anything, I'm more worried about my friend who just killed four turtles. And a rat. I did kill the rat too, dude. Don't worry. That was a slow rat. Get the turtles. A rat can scurry. A rat should have gotten out of the way, dude. I don't know what that was about. Are turtles actually slow or are they one of those animals that

everyone just assumes is slow? My tortoise is slow. No, they're all slow. Well, in the water actually, maybe turtles are quick. Yeah, but they're not in the water. I mean, the sewer is water. They got flippers, yeah? Are they turtles or tortoises? I'm pretty sure they're tortoises. Let's check with the name.

Hang on. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Yes, but they don't have flippers. Wait, snapping turtle doesn't have flippers. What is a turtle? And follow-up question. What is a turtle? And follow-up question. What is a tortoise? I was very confident about snapping turtles don't have flippers,

but now I'm not that confident. Or is it the kind of thing... Or is it a snapping tortoise? Is a snapping turtle a tortoise, but we just call it a turtle? Because don't we have a turtle in Australia we call a tortoise? What's a turtle? Like the long-necked tortoise? Oh, the long-necked...

But that's a turtle. Is there a third one? What's a ter like the long neck tortoise the long neck but that's a turtle is there a third one what's a terrapin that's one of them that's like the caiman of tortoises or turtoids i think it's tortadilias this whole episode is us saying the der quietly you know the der's there between our every thought. So I was like, oh, yeah, because a turtle doesn't live on land as much as a tortoise does. Because a tortoise is more of like, we just chill on the ground. And then occasionally we like to splishy splashy in a pond. Do they get wet, tortoises? They like to splishy splashy in a pond.

Yes, tortoises get wet. I've definitely seen somebody try and put a tortoise back in a pond. And then everyone's like, no, no, no, because it would have just sunk. Oh. Yeah. try and put a tortoise back in a pond. And then everyone's like, no, no, no, because it would have just sunk. Oh, yeah. So we used to have a friend that had maybe a turtle, but they also had a swimming pool. And so sometimes we'd put the turtle,

he'd put the turtle in the swimming pool and you'd watch it swim to the side. But now in hindsight, looking back on it as an adult, I'm like, that was full of chlorine. That can't have been good for that little bastard. Turtles need to be in natural ponds. Tortoises can't swim. Well, yeah, exactly. I don't think they're a wet animal. They can splash.

At most, they can float and drift, and if they're lucky, they'll bump into land. Okay. Some species of tortoise can swim poorly, but most will simply just sink and drown. What's the difference between a tortoise and a turtle apart from the swimming capabilities? It's their legs. Okay. So it is their legs? Turtles has flippers.

What are the ninja turtles? Do they got flippers? They don't. Well, no, they don't as guys. I'm trying to find out what the- No, but they don't have dudes as turtles. They don't have dudes. They don't as dudes.

Oh, yeah. I realize now they don't as turtles as well. Well, then they're tortoises. They are tortoise-eye. They're tortoise-eye. Yeah, I'm trying to find a... Why did... Okay.

Let's find out what they looked like. Okay, so a bunch of tortoises, pteropods, or turtles. Yeah, we don't know. Clearly, we don't know what the difference is between any of them. But we're in this... Running from this eastern snake or whatever.

Okay, so in action figure form, they appear to be tortoises. Yeah. Okay. But, in the cartoon, they are also, they've got little stumpy legs. Oh, yeah, they're tortoises. They're tortoises. They've got little stumpy legs. They're a teenage mutant ninja tortoise. It does sound worse.

Well, you can still say TMNT. Yeah, that's true. That is a benefit. Yeah. It's all T. Tortoise, turtle, tarapin. That's interesting. I thought you were going still say TMNT. Yeah, that's true. That is a benefit. Yeah. It's all T. Tortoise, turtle, tarapin. That's interesting. I thought you were going to say TMNT is all T, and I was like, no, there's two out of four. That would be T, T, T, T. When we get the ninja turtles, they're not in turtle form anyway, are they?

No, they're in like baby turtle guy form, right? Aren't they just like gooped up torto, tortoises for a bit and then... When do they mutate? They mutate, I would argue they would probably mutate pretty quickly, right? I thought they did. I thought they mutated instantly. Do they like go from being a tortoise to then just being the ever

loving blue eyed Michelangelo that we've come to know and love? Yeah, I thought that it was like... It just kind of goes from, you know, woe to go pretty quickly? Yeah, like... Or is there like, you know, are they... Are they teenagers? Are they children?

They've got to grow to teenage-dom, right? Because you've got to teach them ninjutsu. Are they teenage mutant toddler turtles? Were they ever toddler... T-T-T? T? Toddler... Teenage toddler turtle... No. See? Toddler mutant T-T-T. T? Toddler. Teenage toddler turtle.

No. See? Toddler mutant turtles. Mutant ninja turtles. They're not ninjas yet. Yeah. Teenage mutant. Fuck.

Toddler mutant nothing turtles. Toddler mutant turtles. Toddler mutant turtles. Yeah. All right. I think it's toddler mutant turtles or baby mutant turtles. Yeah, they wouldn't. I don't know.

Okay, the transformation is instant. According to this version, which is from the cartoon, I'm guessing. The 2012 Michael Bay movie? Yeah, maybe. They get got by ooze and they start glowing and then they grow big. And they become a full-on Leonardo straight at the gate. But also in this origin, that's where Master Splinter isn't a rat. He is the guy that does kung fu

and then turns into a rat. Okay. Is that because of the ooze or is it unrelated? Okay, cool. Just double check. An unrelated thing that can happen if you watch too much kung fu, yeah. So if you get oozed as a turtle, you become a guy,

but if you get oozed as a guy, you become a rat. Yeah, it's the missing link. It goes, ape, rat, man. What? Huh? But then, shouldn't it be ape, missing link, man, rat? Yeah, because the link's missing. No, but the rat feels it.

Yeah, but the rat feels it. Are they de-evolving or are they evolving? Yeah, that's what I mean. Oh, no, they are evolving. Yeah, but the rat feels it. Are they de-evolving or are they evolving? Yeah, that's what I mean. Oh, no, they are evolving. Yeah, mutation's an evolution. Yeah, yeah, if we use... That's why old cum's really good. What?

You say old cum? Sorry, Jackson. I remember reading an article once that was like, the older the guy what's cumming, the more likely there is to be mutation which helps evolution Cool As in the older as in like the age of the guy Yeah, so if you got a 65 year old not a 65 year old calm that comes more likely to mutate which helps further

Human evolution. I'm not advocating for this. It's just something I read once. How would you advocate for that? More old people should be fucking, I guess. But it would have to be older guys fucking, like, it'd be like, hey, are you 65? Ditch your old wife for

a 30-year-old wife. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Anyway, that's just something I read online. This seems like this kind of junk science of like, I'm an old man. I'm 65 years old. You know what I miss? Young pussy. Was this a pop-up on a porno site where you read this?

Is this some sort of like, you know, this sort of red pill bullshit? Is this where this comes from? I do not recall where I read this. I want to say New Scientist. It just feels like this is a horny old man wanting to be like, honey. Maybe a horny old man told me this in a bus stop or something.

Hey, hey, you. The man with the essence of a rat. Yes. I really been thinking. You know what comes good for you? Not good for you, just good, I mean. Oh. I really You know what comes good for you? Not good for you, just good, I mean. Oh.

Tell your friend. About the evolution of our species and how that we're kind of like a bit stagnant. We're caught like in a bit of a stasis.

Yeah, that makes sense. You see how we're, you know, the world's ever changing but, you know, humanity not really. But. Hey, maybe your theory

is right though because people are starting families later now, meaning the cum is older. That's true. Cum is aging. It's not old, old, but it's like... Is there a threshold? Well, yeah, like... Young cum, Oz, he's going to get...

It's boring. Boring, carbon cum, basically like putting it on a photocopier. Yeah, exactly. That's true. I guess what is the threshold for when cum becomes awesome? Because, yeah, like... I don't know if those stats, exactly. That's true. I guess what is the threshold for when cum becomes awesome? I don't have those stats, unfortunately. If like 40 years ago, everyone's having 23-year-old cums and starting families,

but now it's like 40-year-old cums and starting families. Have we got into old cum territory yet? I wouldn't know. You've got to go speak to this man on the bus. Isn't Al Pacino, he's just recently impregnated his very young girlfriend. Oh my god. We're gonna have a

goddamn X-Men Pacino. Oh my god, Professor X Pacino. Professor P. The P-Man. Oh. Have you seen my boy? Don't be a lying ax man. He's got a laser vision coming out of his eyes.

The P-Man is good gear. Al Pacino is 83. That's old cum. Expecting fourth child with 29-year-old girlfriend. This episode hasn't even come out yet, and people are taking our advice. Has this become our advice? That's cool.

I don't know when it became our advice. By our advice, I mean Jackson's advice. I don't know about that. Jackson said, date all. It becomes good for you. Yeah. It's good for you. Yeah. It's good for you.

Rub it in your skin. It's good. How you got it? You got it. You got it. Wolverine. Yeah. Al Pacino is both rich and famous enough that the old man on the bus that told you this

could have easily been- Hey, little boy. A plant. Hey. Little Jesus. Who's Al Pacino himself? Yeah. The guy who's got that energy. Yeah. Yeah. Al Pacino. Shush, shush, shush, little cheese. Who's Al Pacino himself? The guy who's got that red energy.

Yeah. Al Pacino. When I hear about talking about me, it's about you. Okay. And how you come. It's bad. I know. Don't worry.

It's going to get good. Oh. In about 40 years. Oh, that's a long time, Al Pacino. It's going to go like that. Oh, that's sad. time Al Pacino It's gonna go like That I think Oh that's sad

You'll be 70 before you know it Life comes at you Pretty quick You know An old man talking about Coming to bus Reminds you of your own mortality Yeah

It could happen to any of us And then you know Flash forward 40 years Old man Jackson Impregnating his 29 year old Girlfriend Oh my god Al Pacino was right That's what I say It's like climax Yeah Who? Jackson impregnating his 29-year-old girlfriend. Oh, my God.

Al Pacino was right. That's what I say as I climb. Yeah. Who? Movies don't exist anymore. It's the year 2070. We just watched, I don't know, AI? They re-released it?

We were sucking on that hypercube or whatever. Not the movie, AI. Movies don't exist. Yeah, we cut them syringes. They just inject straight into our veins so we experience what an AI thinks human emotion is. And that's the closest we can get to feeling happy. You inject it, you're like,

oh, that was some pretty good bloppiness. Yeah. I'm feeling blocked. Damn. I'm blopped up. I'm pretty bloppy. I was thinking with the Ninja Turtles that I would try and run a security scam.

You know, where I'm like, pay me a little bit of money or my Ninja Turtles will beat the shit out of you. Like small businesses, you know? Like a racketeering scam. Yeah, I'd racketeer with the Ninja Turtles. So you just small businesses, you know? Because they're scary looking. Like a racketeering. Racketeering, that's what I mean. Yeah, I'd racketeer with the Ninja Turtles.

So you just want to shake down local businesses. I'd be pretty, look, you've got a lovely business here. It'd be a shame if four giant turtles, man. Gaming just wrecks shit.

I've got teenage mutant crime turtles. Could have said racketeering, probably should have. TMRT. Teenage Mutant Racketeering Tortoises. Actually, I don't know how old these turtles are.

R-T. Racketeering Tortoises. Racketeering Tortoises. Are they... They're smart, right? So when they evolved straight away, they somehow learned... We don't have to teach them, do we? Are they They're smart right So when they evolve Straight away They somehow learn Like We don't have to teach them

Do we I don't Well Splinter teaches them Ninjutsu But does he also teach them Just social skills And like the ability to talk Oh yeah

Well you don't need them to talk You just need them to listen I need them to look intimidating That's all I need But you also need them to like You know not eat you But Okay so let's say that

Splinter doesn't need to teach them any of the, I am so scared that I keep saying, what's up, Shredder instead of Splinter? Yeah, yeah. Wait. No, it is Splinter. You're okay. No, okay. Shredder?

Shredder's a guy in a hockey mask. If it's, no. Yes. No, you're thinking of Casey. Yeah, Casey Jones. Played by a young Sam Rockwell, I believe. Oh, my God. Shredder's the leader of the Foot Clan. Yeah, he does have a mask, though. Yeah, okay.. Played by a young Sam Rockwell, I believe. Oh, my God. Fred is the leader of the Foot Clan.

Yeah, he does have a mask, though. I could be forgiven. Yeah. If it's bad, that's Shredder, but if you're happy, that's your fellow Splinter. That little mnemonic device. It's for everyone. Surely there's something to do with wood, where you're like, if you get a Splinter, there's good, but if you Shredder, there's something to do with wood Where you're like If you get a splinter That's good

But if you shred it That's bad Oh awesome Why are you so jazzed Dammit I got a splinter Hope I get infected At least I didn't shred up my hand

That would have been bad Oh okay It does make kind of sense So here's the thing about Oh yeah Sorry If you have to teach Ninjutsu so you've

just got like goons that know what's going on but they can't fight because you haven't taught them anything you can teach them to swing a bat hold a bat really and hopefully it doesn't come to that hopefully they look intimidating enough because I have monster men at my disposal

I feel like you're going to need to break some kneecaps for this to be intimidating. It's already pretty intimidating. It's pretty fucking scary. I might have to teach them to tip over a shelf or something or smash a display case. Or just like... Yeah, yeah. Or maybe I don't teach them English.

Maybe that's better for me. Yeah. If they make horrible turtle noises. What noises do turtles make? I don't know. That's scary. I think they legitimately do make noises like that. Yeah, well, perfect.

When they're fucking, they do like a... Well, they won't be fucking. I'll try not to make them fuck in front of whoever I'm trying to intimidate. They can just go... Good luck, I guess. Now, I don't know... This is what I know about running a racketeering. Yeah.

I go in. Yeah. I demand money. Yeah. I say, don't give me money. I say, I'll protect you. You know, that's part of it. Yeah.

Oh, if anybody comes and tries to mess with you, I will protect you. And I got these turtles to do it, right? That's sort of my evidence or whatever. Yeah. And you got to pay me a little bit of money. You got to give me 10% or whatever. You got to give me 10% of your profits or whatever. And of money you gotta give me 10% of your profits or whatever

and if you don't give me 10% of your profits it could go pretty bad for you I got some monster men that could fuck you up or whatever okay so you're forgetting

because that's immediately a criminal threat yes so that's not usually how that goes down I was afraid of it because

what you've done is you've opened with hey I'm gonna protect you yeah but if you don opened with, hey, I'm going to protect you. Yeah. But if you don't offer my protection, I will wreck your shop. That's going to happen the moment they say we don't want protection. So, but what racketeering?

No, wait. We're using the wrong word. I think racketeering is the act of acquiring a business through illegal activity. That's not what I want to do. You want to shake them down. Extortion? Yeah, that's the one. But you're taking two different routes, which is you're being like,

I'm protecting you because there's bad guys in the neighborhood. Me. And that's what you're alluding to. Yeah, there's bad guys around here. Instead, you're saying, I will protect you. And if you don't pay me, I'll beat the shit out of you, which is you're saying the quiet part aloud

yeah you kinda gotta be a bit more subtle and then they say hello the police this guy just threatened me but don't do that well yeah but then if they do that

then they're gonna get beat you're kinda doing it like you're doing it heavy handed yeah but it still works well cops rock up I'll pay them off with what money

but you got mutant turtles oh yeah mutant turtles I watch as my mutant turtles. Oh, yeah, mutant turtles. I watch as my mutant turtles are shot by the police. I don't think they're big animals, which they are. Yeah, they are monster, man. You haven't trained them. Cops love to shoot animals. Yeah, they do.

And then I come back in the sewer and I'm like, I racked it up. You were gone for half an hour. They're dead. What you need to do is you say, hey, I don't know if you've heard, but this business actually operates in a bad neighborhood.

I'll take 10% to protect your business. Yeah. And then when they say, how are you going to protect my business? That's when I get the Ninja Turtles.

And then you're like, look, no one's going to be messing with you now, but you better pay up because who knows what will happen if I turn you down.

Yes, that's true. I'm going to be threatening about it. These turtles, I mean, yeah. They're capable. They can't tell numbers apart. Maybe, you know, we're trying to protect one place, but they go to the wrong address, and that may be... My turtles are dumb as fuck.

And violent. They're liable to make a mistake. They like to swing their clubs around. I don't know, man. You're doing the quiet part loud again. You don't need to do that. My turtles will accidentally beat the shit out of you. You imply, and then they say no, and then that night you come back and you wreck it,

and then later you're like, oh, my God, I've noticed bad things have been happening. Yeah, that's true. Stop. Because if you put the owner... Okay, so here's what happens if you put the owner in hospital As your first move They don't pay you because they're not working The business shuts down You don't want the business to close down

But you're using that As a good example To the other businesses But there's no You've sent the guy to hospital Exactly, there's no witnesses, it's just implications Hey, do you hear what happened to the I don't know, dry cleaning business owner over there? Oh, yeah.

Crazy what happened. It's a terrible neighborhood. Bad things happen to people. Some people say it was big men. Some people say it was tortoise men, which is insane. That's crazy. Because the tortoise men work for me. And they would never do that unless somebody didn't pay.

Anyway. I will also say that so far you've put one business in hospital and earned zero dollars. We robbed the cash register. Okay. Then people report the turtles did this. Well, you can just take it over for a bit. What? How are you doing?

Well, yeah, it's just kind of like, you know, you're setting an example of breaking the guy's kneecap, and then you just kind of... And then you work the laundromat. And then you just send the... Well, then you simply send... It's like goons of war, right? Well, now it's become racketeering, because you have acquired it through illegal means.

Yeah, exactly, right? So then you send in your... One of your tortoise to, like, man the station, as it were, for a bit, while old mate gets his legs healed up. Yeah. And then it's just kind of... And then I go visit him in hospital. Why is the...

Why are you focusing on just the one person? You've got to do it for a bunch of businesses, guys. You've got to think big. You're thinking too small. You've got to think big. Also, what type of business if you've broken someone's legs and then they just gave you their business? No, we stole it.

You're not giving it to us. We broke in and now we're running it. You're just doing a lot of intimidation. Well, no, you're not. You're doing a lot of intimidation. Well, no, you're not. You're doing a lot of assault. The intimidation hasn't really happened because you keep being like, you've got to, there needs to be. It's the implication.

You're too impatient. Yes. At the moment, all you've done is put a guy in hospital. Now you're running a. Laundromat. I know, right. So we have the goons to kind of oversee. My goons are running the laundromat. So we have the goons to kind of oversee.

My goons are running the dromite. Or you have the person who's got a little bit wounded and you just have someone, one of your tortoises, sitting there in the corner looking threatening. What do you think's going to happen when a guy goes to hospital saying, a tortoise beat me up? Well, he wouldn't be saying that. That would be crazy. Then the police go back

to the business. I think you don't understand fear. I think you don't understand how easy it is to shoot a turtle with a gun. Yeah, how easy it is to shoot a guy with a gun. But if it's the guy, there's fucking like someone's getting paid off or like the police have to actually be careful

they're not shooting the wrong guy. You can kill a turtle. Who cares? Turtle ain't got no rights. Also, he probably doesn't know how to run a laundromat, I would imagine. Kill a turtle. Who cares? Turtle ain't got no rights. Also, he probably doesn't know how to run a laundromat, I would imagine. But okay, let's... He's there. He seemed very eager to break some guy's knees.

I think you seemed eager to break their knees. Everyone's pretty eager, except someone, to break some guy's knees. I just don't think... Yeah, I'm just... It's just ways you can go about it. It's a waiting game. Because if you destroy the thing that's earning you the money, no one's giving you any money. And then you have to work harder.

Where if you're patient, throw a couple of bricks. Exactly. Start a little fire. Yeah. Little repairs. You're casting a wide net. Start getting scared. And you need someone to have like something real bad happen.

Because then that's a good example for the other people not to cross your path. I feel like you've got to do that later, though. Yeah. I feel like you've got to. Depends. Depends. You slowly escalate. It's like, you know, when.

Plausible deniability. It's taking out the biggest guy at the prison in day one, right? Yeah. It's because you've got to make yourself look big. You've got to make yourself be like, no one's going to fuck with me. Okay. You run a shop. Who's the biggest guy in the yard? No, but you're trying to extort a bunch of people.

Yeah. And he's like, hey, it would be a shame if something bad happened. You're like, fuck off. No, I'm already dealing with one more. I feel like that's the point of the Monster Man. I feel like they're my punch at the biggest guy in the yard because I'm the only guy with monster man you know what I mean

it's one of those things you kind of like if someone comes in take away all the big monster men you and a big goon right it's the same kind of thing the implication there is he will destroy your shit but if they just be like whatever you can't do this to me

you're going to have to break some skulls well that is true I'm going to have to break some skulls. Well, that is true. I'm going to have to crack heads. Yeah. I'm just saying, it's not going to be simple as being like, oh, yes, sir, big turtle man. Because you're right, some people are going to be like, you can't intimidate me. I'm going to call the cops, you're going to get them on payroll. But you've earned no money because you didn't intimidate anyone.

But you can threaten the cop's family with your monster turtles. That's true. Seems dangerous to threaten a cop. But I do live the cop's family with your monster turtles. That's true. Seems dangerous to threaten a cop. But I do live in the sewers, no fixed address. At what point in this narrative did I move into the sewers? I guess the remedy decided I'm going to use this for what

you called racketeering but meant extortion. If you're worried for some reason about breaking certain laws, you could always go and intimidate, I don't know, another mob family. Oh, yeah. With your big tortoises. Starting by intimidating people. Steal from the people who are already big.

They can already steal it. I'm going to get killed. I'm going to get a pair of concrete shoes thrown in the East River. Are you familiar with that famous scene in The Godfather where everyone gets out of the cars and machine guns someone to death? Yeah. That'll be Jackson. And then within six hours into his first day. Famous scene in The Godfather where everyone gets out of the car, there's a machine gun someone to death. That'll be Jackson. Within six hours into his first day. Two days later, the turtles are owned by the Caglione family or whatever.

The turtles wake up with your head in their bed. They're confused. Start biting it. Yeah, eat it a bit. Should have taught them English or any social skills. They became cannibals? Is it a cannibal? Turtles eat the guy, doesn't count as being a cann cannibals? Is it a cannibal? Turtles eat a guy, doesn't count as being a cannibal.

Yeah, is it a cannibal if a mutant turtle eats a guy? I don't think so. Yeah, I suppose not. If Michelangelo ate Leonardo, sure. That would be fucked up. That would be fucked up. What are you naming them? Oh yeah, that's a good point.

Well, I, as goons, wasn't really going to give them names. Okay. So goon one to four. Yeah, exactly. They're numbers to me. Okay. They're a means to an end. That's fair.

Yeah. I think I'm going to open up a landscaping business with them. Yeah? Okay. Well, they are strong. They're strong. They can move pavers and stuff. They're tortoises.

I believe that they get fed on grass. I ain't feeding them pizza because I would never think about it. No. I would order pizza for me. But do they want- And I would probably- So the other day- Let's find out what tortoises eat.

Yeah. So the other day, we were making some chicken parmas and grating some cheese, a little bit of cheese left on the bench, and then my beautiful cat, Kimchi, who has the worst stomach. Oh, she will shit blood if she doesn't eat the right diet. She started trying to lick some of the cheese off. No, no. So I was cleaning up a little bit. She started trying to lick some of the cheese off. I'm like, I gotta get out of here. No, no. So I was cleaning up a little bit, and I had a little bit of cheese left over. I'm like, well, maybe a little bit of cheese for kimchi.

Then my wife was like, don't feed the cat cheese. I'm like, fair enough. That's on me. So I think I would feed the turtles. You will feed the turtles pizza. Why? Look, I don't understand this. And look, maybe you can fill me in, because you just told a story where you do this. What's the

obsession with feeding your pet animals your like the royal you not like you Joel Zammett. Yeah. Things that you know are going to make the animal sick but feel like a treat. Yeah I think it's because like I know eating dog shit like as in like like candy

dog shit food real bad unhealthy like high, those kind of things. I know it's bad for me, but it's a little bit of a treat. So I get that bit of dopamine of like, oh, yummy. And I'm wondering, and we imply maybe the cat. I'm like, well, clearly she's trying to climb up on the table that she knows she's not allowed to get on. And she's trying to go for it. So clearly she's like, maybe she likes it.

That's a little treat. You get to go for it. So clearly she's like, maybe she likes it. That's a little trick. You get to shed blood to that. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But also I get it because you're probably like, a little bit of cheese. A little bit of cheese. It's pretty hard.

Get a little bit of kibble. Just feed the cat cat food. You could have a little bit of cheese. It's in the name. You could do a little bit of drugs. You could do a little bit. You know what I mean? It's just like,

it's that human thing. Everything in moderation. Just a little bit. But no, I shouldn't It's just like, it's that human figure. Everything in moderation. Just a little bit. But no, I shouldn't have done that. Yeah. I just don't understand why people do that across the board. I got turned off that completely when we fed my parents' dog a steak for its birthday and it didn't appreciate it.

And I was like, you'd be happy with fucking dog shit. So why are we giving you a steak? You don't know. You don't cut down the difference. It didn't appreciate a steak? Yeah, he ate it in like five seconds. We were all gathered around. We were like, happy birthday, Whiskey.

And then he looked up at us like, where's the other steak? And we were like, you son of a bitch. We were all pissed off at him. What did you think was going to happen? I don't know, but we were still annoyed. Obviously, Whiskey's not going to be like, thank you so much, family. What do you think?

He was going to take his time? Chew it a bit? Just savour it. It's a dog. You gave a dog meat. Dogs don't understand savouring. Or at least be satisfied. No, but that's not.

When it was done, be like, I'm happy now. I don't need any more food. I had a whole fucking steak. I'll move on. Yeah, but it's about... Your family don't understand dogs. That's not what he did. He was like, where's the next steak?

We were like, we got your one. It's expensive. Dog doesn't understand. What? Dog doesn't understand economy, dude. Well, that's on us. Yeah. All of that is on you.

The dog is in 0% of the wrong here. I think a dog can understand. If you have two dogs and you give one dog a treat, another dog no treat, it gets shitty. Yeah, that's true. But if you give one dog a big treat, another dog a little treat, they're both happy. They don't really give a shit. They just like to be included. They don't understand the concept of sizing, like portions. Yeah.

They don't understand the concept of money, Jackson. Well, we learned that that night. So you buy them like a shitty chuck steak or something if you're going to give him steak. I don't think we give him anything for his birthday anymore. We give him a little something. It's so funny to be angry at your dog. A little bit of cheese. Yeah, a little bit of cheese.

A little bit of cheese is good for a dog. He can have cheese. He can have cheese. Dogs don't know what their birthdays are, so who cares? Sure they do. Can they remember that there's one day where they get a steak? Do you reckon he would have remembered that? He would need to know the fucking calendar.

No, but if we gave him a steak every day of his life on a specific day, when it was leading up to that day... For a dog to know that it's repeating, it will need to know the calendar. But it just needs to know the time of year. It doesn't need to know that it's repeating, it will need to know the calendar. But it might need to, it just needs to know the time of year. It doesn't need to, like, know the specific date. Because you can do stuff where, you know, it's like every day at 4 p.m. or every day at 11.

That's just not. But once a year. But I think maybe. Yeah. Like, it depends how, like, long it is. And, again, are they going through our calendar or are they going if you kind of. Through the dog calendar. Yeah.

Which is, of course, seven times quicker. I know what you mean, but I think it's probably plausible in a way of like, I don't know how long that distance is. Like, is it once a week, once every seven days, once every 20 days, or once every three days? If you say give a dog a certain thing for like every day, every third day. How good is a dog's pattern recognition? That's the question.

I guess that's what I'm getting at. Once per year? I don't know if it's a year. I don't think so. Like it'd be, I'm curious. Any dog experts listening? If a dog had a birthday every month, maybe. I don't know if you should give a dog that much.

No. But then also. That's the one they've read. That's 12 times. You've got to do seven times a year. Yeah, yeah. What did Whiskey do when he gave a mistake, as we just discussed? He scoffed it down and gave us a very pleading look.

No, he didn't give a shit at all. Yeah, so if he gave a mistake once a year. He was sort of put off by the fact that we were all gathered around him watching. I just don't understand what you and your family thought was going to happen. You gave a dog meat, which is something it famously eats. Yep. I don't understand what you and your family thought was going to happen you gave a dog meat which is something it famously eats yep

I don't know and then you were shocked that it ate it we wanted more of a reaction you wanted him to like bark and run around in a circle like what

get out and find some cutlery and start cutting it up dogs are excited to eat all the time he wasn't very thankful it's a dog what would have been thankful? Well, I don't know.

Like what? I don't know what it looks like, but I know what the absence of it looks like. Hey, want to hear something awesome? Yeah. Tortoises eat rabbit shit. Whoa, that is awesome. Because I guess it's mostly just like hay or whatever. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

What? Well. No, you were close It's mostly grass Okay I'm sure rabbits will eat hay Yeah, probably Given the opportunity

Yeah, that's not the statement he made He just Blanket statement Rabbit shit is mostly hay That's true Yeah, that is He did say that That is what I said

So let's get in business Because they've got big sharp beaks Which I think would be great For like the edging They don't, sharp beaks, which I think would be great for the edging. They don't have sharp beaks. They're tortoises. No, but the Ninja Turtles do. They've got wet mouths.

Do they? They're more like beak-ish. I guess it depends on the depiction. Yeah, true. Well, if they've got beaks- They've got big, round, flat lips. The Michael Bay one, they've got human lips. Yeah.

Then the cartoon, they've got kind of- None of these turtles have beaks. Like that little, like that nose, that little bulbous nose thing there. I know. Turtles do have beaks in real. Well, you can still get them to eat grass. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, they've got fingers.

They've got thumbs and fingers. Yeah, they can figure out the- Use a whippersnapper. Yeah. What are you going to tell people where the turtles come from when they ask? These are my four strong songs. Do I need to be that, like, hidden? Oh, like, it was like a tragic, like...

Some kind of disaster that left them looking like... Like a chemical waste disaster. Our last landscaping job was at the green dye factory. What about the shells? That's how they dress. It was a terrible accident at work and so we're here helping them out. What if you dress up as a turtle and claim that that's just how your company operates?

That's beautiful. It's a little fun gimmick. I'm the manager, so I'm the foreman. I'll have a hard hat. Yeah, but he still dresses as a turtle. Well, because otherwise it is going to seem peculiar. Where if you're just like turtle landscaping, we dress as turtles. Okay.

Turtle landscaping. We dress as turtles. And people at first will be like, no, you start, you have to lowball yourself first. Oh, yeah. Because people are like, what the fuck is going on with this freak company? But then the moment that you do a great job at a cheap price, you can start. People start talking. Hey, I've had landscapers over.

They were really cheap. They were dressed as turtles. Plus they dressed as turtles, which is pretty cool. Well, you've got to think about it, right? Like, what kind of cost do I have? Rent of the sewer? Free. Yep.

Feeding these tortoises? All I could do is give them the grass clippings and rabbit shit. You're fine. They'll be stoked. They'll be so happy. And then that's about it. Everything I'm making is pure profit. You probably just need a van or something. Yeah, petrol, a whippersnapper.

Tools, yeah. Yeah, tools. That'll come. Are you going to learn how to do landscaping, or are you just going to stand there? You are going to have to teach the turtles how to do landscaping. I'll do a couple of Google searches. Okay. What are you Googling?

How to landscape. Let's find out what happens when you Google how to landscape. So if somebody was like, Oh yeah. It's all very simple. It's very much like, okay, first thing is a consultation. It depends. Are we just doing regular gardening work? That would be our bread and butter right there. Yeah, that's true. Just trimming the hedges.

That'll be simple. Landscaping,. Yeah, that's true. Just trimming the hedges, mowing the lawn. Trimming the hedges, those kind of things. They'll be simple. But landscaping, I found out recently, is fucking expensive. Oh, yeah. Like, holy shit, it is expensive. I don't understand how they keep pricing it the way they do, but fuck me. So then we did it ourselves and understand why they price it the way they do, because fuck me. That's hard work.

I don't want to do it. So, let me know if these seven tips to start landscaping help you in your business. Okay. One, determine the landscape's needs and wants. Yep. Two, think about location. Of course.

Three, spend time in your landscape. Yep. Four, start small. Yep. Five, find a focal point. Okay. Six, focus on scale and pacing. Yeah, right.

Pacing. Yeah, because you've got to be like, okay, for example. Seven, be open to change. Of course. Yeah. You good to go now? Yeah. Like, all right, how many steps is it to the back gate or where we park in the car?

So maybe we put some pavers there or something along those lines. And some of this stuff is heavy to lift. That's what the turtles are for. Exactly. Are the turtles strong? Yeah. Yes. Okay, just checking.

I didn't remember. What made you think they were weak? Well, I just thought,. Are the turtles strong? Yeah. Yes. Okay, just checking. I didn't remember. What made you think they were weak? Well, I just thought, are they like extra strong? Or are they strong as like a guy? You know what? It's probably worth looking at. They got- TMN.

They got Donatello, and he's going to be smarter than me. So at some point, he's going to be like, hey, Father Boss. I'm like, yes, Donatello. I wouldn't call him Donatello. No. But yes. And he'd be like, hey, father boss. I'm like, yes, Donatello. I wouldn't call him Donatello. No. But yes. And he'd be like, oh, I've got some ideas. And I'm like, go on.

And then I praise them for their brilliant ideas. And he's basically running the company now. Well, here's a little question for both of you. Would you be able to even tell them apart? Well, that's what the most. Well, usually, I think it's a. So Donatello is usually a bit more olive. Yes, that's what the most... Well, usually, I think it's... So Donatello is usually a bit more olive. Yes, that's true.

Raphael, I think, is brighter. Yeah. One of them is kind of like an aqua color. Yeah. So I think there are variations in terms of their hue. Yeah. Okay, so you will be over the turtles. Good question.

You stressed me for a second there. I think in the originals, yes. I think in the bay turtles, yes. I think in, like, the bay turtles, no. No idea. And, yeah, they have enhanced strength, speed, agility, and reflex. Good, good. Just checking, just checking. But I think I'm going to probably call them after, like, you know,

I guess, yeah, gardening equipment or, like, landscaping stuff. Scythe. So, like, scythe, rocks, pond. Scythe, rocks, pond Pond. Scythe, Rocks, Pond, and... Shears. Shears. Who do you think got the worst end of the deal there? I think being named Rocks is pretty bad.

What about Pond? See, Rocks seems like the obvious bad one, but I think Pond is actually the one that sucks the most. I think Rocks is going to be pretty good. Bye, I'm Pond. Yeah, so Pond, I guess, will be my Leo. Do they take your last name? Is it Pond Zaman?

Do they take Splinter's last name, which is Rat? Donatello Rat? Michelangelo Rat? Good point. Here's a question about your landscape gardening business. Yes. Do you have to get the, because they work for you. Yeah.

They don't receive a salary? Well, they don't know. I don't teach them the concept of money. I just wonder if getting them in the workforce, like do you need to log them as people or whatever? Well, I guess it'd be akin to being like, I have a dog that's a guard dog, so that's a tax write-off. Oh, that's true.

If you put- So they're guard working tortoises if you had a big dog yeah and you needed to move a bunch of soil yeah

and you put like sort of sides use a horse use a horse I gotta afford a horse come on you put side saddles on the dog

I think here's a fun little thing I think a I think a horse would be cheaper than a nice dog horses are cheap that's true we could own a horse we should own a horse why don't I think a horse would be cheaper than a nice dog. Horses are cheap. We could own a horse. We should own a horse.

Why don't we own a horse? We bought a horse. Why aren't we buying a horse? How much is our horse? For example, if you had a property that was a commercial property, that kind of thing, and you had a dog, you could register that. That's pretty cheap.

That's fucking cheap. Why don't we co-own a horse that we put in races and make money off of? Oh, no, because if we buy a racing horse. It doesn't have to be a racing horse. It's a numbers game. I'm not buying a racing horse. Plumbing the Nath Star needs to buy a race horse. Everyone's like, I used to like that podcast,

but now I'm questioning their methods as they've just openly gotten into the... A horse that's gambling right now. No, no, no. No, no, no. Racehorse. Just a horse horse. A looking horse.

A looking horse. We can look at it. High five. Go. Yeah. Give it a carrot. Like, yeah. That's one of them. Get scared. Bites my hand. Yeah. Give it a carrot. That's one of them.

Get scared. Bites my hand. Yeah. Kicks you two in the head with each of its hooves. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I didn't get dumber, guys. Oh, no. I got kicked in the head by the horse and remained the same, and that's a far worse situation.

Yeah, that's grim. It's confirming a lot of my pre-existing thoughts. Oh, no. But, yes, if you own, say, a commercial property or whatever, and you're like, I have this dog, which I've put down as a guard dog for tax purposes, then you can be like, oh, the fees, like the registration, feeding it, vet bills, all that kind of stuff. You're like, oh, it's tax-adaptable. So I reckon we could use these tortoise eye as work animals, and then we can write off

their vet bills. Yeah. You're just going to hope that the ATO never looks at it and is like, work tortoise eye as like work animals and then we can write off their vet bills yeah you're just gonna hope that the ato never looks at it and is like work tortoise yeah that's something i've never heard of before in my life yeah yeah yeah okay you bit of tax people come on okay hey this is my work tortoise oh my god yeah yeah get in he can combine Get in here Call 911 Whoa whoa whoa Don't call 911 Call 911 Triple zero

No no no What if I'm the British one 999 999 Just get the cops Don't do that They're so trigger happy Oh no

Crazy if your tortoises Get killed too Was your plan To extort the ATO there No It was just to be like Like a shakedown Not a shakedown

Just to be like What is this And they come down, like, oh no, they are actually work tortoise, like, okay. It's like, what rice do they have? They're not human. Yeah. They are animals. And if you've never taught them to speak, then I won't know that they're sentient. Well, I could.

Sapient, I mean. Well, you would, because they're working. Yeah. If I did teach them to talk, but maybe my own code. So I was like, hello, pond. And he's like, gobleebo. They're working. Yeah. If I did teach him to talk, but maybe my own code. Okay. So I was like, hello, pond. And he's like, gobleebo. Bangus, bangus.

What? They don't know why. They're just baffling. Because you don't really need to teach them everything. Just mostly stuff about landscaping. I'm just scared you're going to get in a tattoo situation. You know? Oh, why?

What happens in tattoo? Where you've got to prove that he's a human being. Why would I want that? Then I've got to prove that he's a human being. Why would I want that? Then I've got to pay more in taxes. He doesn't want to prove that. No, that's what's scary about vlogging him as a work turtle and then taking him to the ATO.

I'm not taking him. I'm only going to get awarded. Okay, fair enough. I'm laying low. I'm just saying, if they keep knocking around. In Ted 2, they try and prove that he's not a guy.

Well, Mark Wahlberg wants to prove Ted's a guy so that he has rights because he wants to get married. Yeah, that's the plot of Ted too. But who cares with the turtles? Well, no, because I'm saying if Sam is... Okay, he's like, I want to prove they're not guys. They're turtles.

And everyone's like, okay. Yeah, they were birthed out of an egg. And then... I know they do got on them. They're not getting married to anyone. So they don't need to prove they're a guy. But he's claiming they're a horse. Yeah, but it doesn't matter either way. I're not saying They're not getting married To anyone So they don't need to prove They're a guy But he's claiming They're a horse

Yeah but it doesn't matter Either way I'm not saying they're a horse They're a work turtle Yeah well okay They do work for me Yeah They're proof to be guys

Then the only difference Is Zabin has to pay them I gotta pay them taxes And shit And then if he's doing that I don't wanna give a fucking Turtle super Come on

But then if you do that Don't do this to me Then you're their boss now, so you don't even need to, then you just stop, you save money by not buying them food because you're like,

I'm paying you. Well, you guys now pay your own rent. But you feel really stupid now. In that whole court case where you prove that you're human beings or you had personhood.

Yeah, well done. Well done. Pond. Really proud of yourself, pond and rocks? Yeah, this makes me gleamed. Pond. Really proud of yourself, pond and rocks? Yeah, this makes me gleamed. You idiots. That's a pretty good strategy.

Yeah, I'd hire your landscaping business. Yeah. Turtle landscaping. We dress as turtles. That's great. I think my strategy, it's a pretty easy one. And the end goal will be highly achievable. I'm going to put a life-saving company out of business

by using the Ninja Turtles to save lives and then make the news. Wouldn't it be better to have you both operating at the same time because you're both saving lives? What am I saving? Life? Isn't that like surf? Yeah, so surf life-saving. But they're turtles.

They can't swim. They're tortoises. They're tortoises. They can't swim. Turtles can swim. Get in there. We're floating, hoping they hit land soon. They can't swim.

They can't. Yeah, they cannot swim. I mean, they can swim like a guy can. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Probably. But they're heavy. They'll be really heavy. Does a shell make them more or less buoyant?

Well, a turtle shell would probably be chill, but we've established that the THP Ninja Turtles are tortoises. Something I forgot. They could walk into the sea. Save them from these shallows. You just put this poor life saving business out of town.

My turtles got this. They also drowned. Oh, if only that business wasn't out of business. I'm going to save my turtles. It's so funny for you to be like, all right, I'm going to send the turtles in. They're going to save the drowning victim or whatever. We're going to do such a good job.

And that's going to make the lifeguard look like an idiot and then smash guard into the lifeguard, breathing life back into your turtles. I might still make the news, though. That's true. Yeah, turtles found in the sea. Idiots send make the news, though. That's true. Idiots and turtle sons to watery grave. I still made the news, is my quote.

That's what I was trying to do. It's funny, because originally I was going to say CFA and use them as firefighters, but then I was like, oh, tortoises will get hot and dried out. I better send them into the sea instead. What would tortoises be good at saving? Do they burrow? No.

Oh, save the miners. Go back in time, save them from Beaconsfield. Okay, but are they good at mining? Is that a worldwide reference? Does everyone around the world remember that 10 or 15 years ago, guys in Tasmania got stuck in a mine? I don't think so. Foo Fighters wrote a song about it.

Yeah, I don't think there's people in Australia. Foo Fighters wrote a song about it. You didn't know about the Beaconsfield mine disaster. I don't think so. Disaster. Those guys had a mine for like two weeks. Disaster. Well, it wasn't really a disaster. It was a pretty disaster. Did anyone die?

Was it in quotation marks because they got out? Well, I think it was just because I feel like calling guys being stuck in a hole a disaster is a bit of a disservice. No, that's not the disaster. It was what happened. That got them stuck was the disaster. I see. Here's the thing. I'm being like, do people understand?

I don't remember what happened. I just know that Foo Fighters wrote a song about it to be like, we care about the miners because the miners, we could send them stuff in the hole. Yeah. We could get them out. We sent them stuff in the hole. Yeah. We could get them out. We sent them stuff in the hole. They asked for an iPod with Foo Fighters on it. That's so funny. Then Foo Fighters wrote a song for them on their next album, but it's an instrumental.

And it's funny to dedicate a song to someone and not even be bothered writing lyrics. Do you think if somebody, like a Plumbing the Death Star fan, got stuck in a hole, a likely occurrence? I assume most people listening are stuck in something. Oh, my arm's stuck behind the fridge. Oh, and you upset a plumbing the dumpster. Siri, play it. Not calling the police.

Not calling emergencies of the police. Anyway, do you think if they were stuck in a hole and they were like, I just want an iPod with plumbing the dumpster, we would release a special episode? I reckon. I think we'd be so excited. We might help them in the hall. Yeah, if miners out there are in a combine

collapse, we could send stuff to them but can't get them out. Yeah. We won't record a special episode. We'll just go. Yeah, we'll be in there. We'll just do an episode from the entrance of the hall. It seems so dangerous. Oh, the entrance. No, well, we're going to the cave in here.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Lower us down. Do you regret this yet? Yes. You can't. If you do, you can't get back up. Oh, yeah.

That's okay. And then when they finally get them out, they're like, oh, they killed them. They spent too long with them and it was too much and they

killed those three boys. That's nice. What was it guys like here? Was it Threadbow? Where was the avalanche?

Oh, yeah, that's true, yeah. Is it one or two guys stuck there? Plus there's been some other mining disasters that, you know, have happened. So I think most people, unfortunately, JD, probably won't remember Big D. Yeah, I'm sorry. Yeah, well, actually, one guy did die. So rest in peace to Larry. Yeah, fair enough.

But Brant and Todd. Australia's funny. Brant and Todd were the guys That got stuck In a hole for a bit Yeah That was stuck For two weeks That's such a long time

Nearly one kilometre Below the surface I don't know If the Ninja Turtles Are going to help Yeah dude I think the only thing The Ninja Turtles

Are really good for Is any situation Where they're going to be Taking damage from behind Yeah yeah yeah Or how much Rabbit shit Do you need to clean up?

Yeah, that's true. So, what? Okay, so from behind, what? If you can imagine one, like, a small tortoise eating, like, probably, you know, a little bit of rat shit. But those tortoises are huge. That's true. They could be just shoveling rat shit in their mouth.

Rabbit shit. Rat shit. Before we make them sick. Yeah. Where has too much rabbit shit? Australia. Because we've got too many rabbits. They're a pest here.

Could a tortoise eat a rabbit? Would that be a big deal? No, I think tortoises are herds. No, but this tortoise could. But these are in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. They eat pepperoni pizza. Pepperoni is famously a meat. Yeah, that's true.

Just get them hoeing down on rabbits. Could you enter them into some kind of eating food competition? An eating food competition. Like a hot dog eating competition. Why do you think that they will have an advantage there? They're not a big male. Yeah, they're a big guy. Plus, they've never eaten this before, so it's new and exciting.

That's worse, I feel. They'd throw up, maybe. Okay, do you reckon you have a better chance of if I sat you down and say, hey, here's a spaghetti bolognese eating competition. Or here's a food you've never experienced competition. Which one do you reckon you'd eat better in? Probably spaghetti. Yeah, probably spaghetti.

So if there's a rabbit shit-eating competition. But we get them when they're babies. They've never eaten anything. We train them to eat spaghetti. So if there's a rabbit shit-eating competition. But we get them when they're babies. They've never eaten anything. We train them to eat spaghetti. Because clearly they've been trained to eat pizza. Well, they're not even trained. They just love the taste of pepperoni. Is that part of the ooze mutation, do you reckon?

They get teeth? They do have teeth. That's fucked up. What is the ooze that it gave them humans? So here's what we know about the ooze Made tortoises into guys Gave them teeth Although I think tortoises may already have

Because they've got a beak Gave them human teeth and sometimes lips A taste for pizza Made a guy a rat and made another guy blind Yeah What is the ooze We don't know I guess gases and stuff

Do fucked up things To guys sometimes So why not ooze? Why not ooze indeed So yeah Are they Are you gonna Put them in anything

To save anyone? I tried But it turns out They're actually bad At saving people In every situation We might have squandered Yeah

Your turtles Yours was pretty good Zalmad Yeah I think I'm gonna say bye Until the ATO Called the cops Yeah So we got four We might have squandered. Your turtles. Yours was pretty good, Zalmad. Yeah. I think I'm going to say bye. Until the ATO called the cops. Yeah.

So we got four shot by the cops tortoises. Or four drowned tortoises. Yeah. I made the news, though, so. You did make the news. You did make the news. You did make the news. Local fuckhead kills pets. Like pets.

But pet is in a question mark. Yeah. Sends pets to drown at sea. Sends pets slash sons? Yeah. A bleak reminder tortoises cannot swim. Man learns hard way. Man at sea and muttering, what?

They were going to save people. What do you mean? It was never meant to be like this. It's also great if you stop the lifeguard. No, no, no. They've got this. There's a man crowding out there. No, no, my turtles will do it.

One dead, four turtles dead. Sir, those aren't turtles. Those are tortoises. They don't have any flippers. What? Oh. What the? No, that's.

No. They've got a shell. See those bubbles rising to the surface out there? Yeah. That's their final breath. Oh. What? No.

Oh, no. Come on. Is that true? And see that bubble a little bit further out? That's it. You're outing this. No, it's not. No, it's not. No, it's not.

Is it? Hooray! You have two different types of blood on your hands today, sir. Oh. At least I'll make the news. On that note, I've been Joel. I've been Jackson. And I've been Joel.

Don't give us turtles. That's the lesson. Well, do, but Don't give us turtles Don't That's the lesson Well do But don't give us tortoises Yeah we can Oh with turtles Oh turtles would be fine Yeah it'd be so easy

Put them in the ocean