Plumbing the Death Star - Where Would the Sorting Hat Put You?

Episode Date: November 3, 2014

In which our heroes arrive at Hogwarts, cross the Great Hall, get up in front of the teachers table and wonder where the Sorting Hat will put them. In part one of our seven part exploration of the Harry Potter Universe we look at the Sorting Hat’s frightening omnipotence, the dangerous nature of Hogwarts dinners, and the distribution of babes across all houses. Jackson gets vomited on instead of sorted, Zammit accepts Slytherin house far too readily, and Duscher just wishes everyone would accept his position as teaching staff. It's a Hogwarts divided against itself, all at the hands of an old, shitty hat.To help our wizarding dreams a reality head to http://www.patreon.com/sanspantsradio and for as little as $1 a month, you can make a difference to our muggle lives. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Sandspence Radio, we ship Joel and Jackson too. Hey, do you want to buy me dinner? I'm hungry, so please email us at sandspence radio at gmail.com and I'll tell you where I am and where you can pick me up. For everything else, including links to our other shows, our Twitter and our Patreon account, head to sandspence radio dot com. Hey guys, and welcome to this week's episode of Plumbing the Death Star, where we ask important questions like, Harry Potter, what a load of bullshit. Um, hang on, can you just cut the

music please what do you mean what do you sorry what do you okay can you elaborate well i just watched all the harry potter films recently and i have so many fucking questions like quidditch who thought it was a good idea or like how does hogwarts prepare you for real life duty of care like it's a school guys and fucking kids are dying a lot of kids don't, it's a school, guys, and fucking kids are dying. A lot of kids don't die. They do die. It's fucked. Yeah, that's a good point.

That just seems like a lot to cover in a little... Yeah, like in 20-odd minutes, yeah. Like, stretched out, maybe? We'll do a miniseries. All right. But, like, I guess, where do we start? If we're talking Harry Potter, I really want to, like... You look like you're going to have a real bullshit idea.

I wanted, like, maybe discuss, discuss like what house we might belong to. I hate it. Let's do it. Jackson, think of a name. Harry Potter learns to plumb. Some of your best work, Jackson, but I think I'll take it from here. Hey guys, and welcome to the very first episode of Plumbing the Death Eaters, where we ask important questions like, if you were a thumping good wizard, where would the sorting hat put

you? Slytherin. I'm just going to say Slytherin. Yeah, I was going to say Slytherin. I'm too much of a cunt not to be. You're a mean guy. You love snakes. I do love snakes. I guess it's a new thing that just happened.

You're less handsome than us two, so... Oh, no. Draco, Baben. Is that a thing? The most handsomest, I think, would be... Do ugly people go to Slytherin? Yeah. Sorting out pop on your head and it's like...

You are too... No, no. It definitely does. Slytherin girls are, like, either creepy looking or gross. I always imagined Slytherin girls to be, like, super babes. Yeah, man. Gryffindor girls got the babes. Nah. Gryffindor girls got the babes. Nah.

Gryffindor girls aren't going to put out until like the end of the whole fucking thing. Nah. That's Ravenclaw. Gryffindor girls aren't going to put out until you put a ring on that goddamn finger. Yeah, exactly. Slytherin, first date. First fucking date. Ravenclaw, that's where...

Ravenclaw girls are too smart for you. They're focusing on their fucking studies. Well, they might be too smart for you. I think Hufflepuff... This guy. Hufflepuff probably have the grossest babes Yeah Hufflepuff's gonna have all those Fucking homely

Gross babes So what a cat goes on? Gross babe Pop it on? Gross babe Yeah but Slytherin You know Slytherins have the worst fucking little common room Because I was reading up on the different common rooms recently This is a dungeon isn't it? It's a fucking dungeon.

It's cold. All the couches are like black leather which is going to be freezing. The floors are like the fucking Gryffindor common room. You get up, it's warm, it's toasty. You're walking across a carpet. That one, no fire, freezing cold on your feet.

In my mind, I'm just thinking it's like an orgy dungeon but then I'm like, hang fire, freezing cold on your feet. In my mind, I'm just thinking it's like an orgy dungeon, but then I'm like, hang on, they're all high school kids. In my head, I age them, but now I feel gross. Yeah, no, it's just like a shitty dungeon that's not great. And what's the cost do they get? Hot girls wouldn't get sorted into anywhere because they're 12 when they get sorted,

so it'd be like, you're still a child. I don't know I story cat don't care sorry cat sorry cats questionable sorting hats questionable yeah I've always this is seriously stressed me out the sorting hat can read people's minds yeah yeah when Tom Riddle came into the school surely it was like watch out for this guy but also he never shares anything with anyone yeah it's all internal yeah and it's it's the thing about like what house you get sorted into is it's basically up to you like you put the hat on and he's like slytherin i'd put you in slytherin

and harry's like i'd like to go gryffindor it's like yeah whatever gryffindor then what else you're your own man i'd like it to be like just kind of told everyone the house they should go in and then the house that they did Because what if he did Something really terrible And like You know You've done something

Kind of shameful Yeah And then like A sorting hat Like whatever He's going to remember mine Don't think about that time I you know

Stuck my finger in a dog's bum Stuck my Yeah Stuck my finger in a dog's bum Don't think about the time I stuck my finger in a dog's bum So you get Slytherin

Damn It's just like I want to put you in Slytherin Is it Is it the dog's bum. Don't think of the time I'm stuck with a dog's bum. Slytherin! Damn, it's just like... I want to put you in Slytherin. Is it the dog's bum thing? No. What's this dog's bum thing? Nothing. Forget about it. Don't go looking through my mind.

Just stop it. From memory, what the sodding hat is. You had weird thoughts about your own mother. I want to take the hat off. I'd like to go home now, please. The hat have an existential crime. Give me off, give me off, give me off, give me off, give me off, give me off. If you did that, it would just be like Hufflepuff.

The sorting hat is supposed to be, it's like a magic hat that the four house leaders, so Helga Hufflepuff, Salazar Slytherin, and the other two, put... Godric Gryffindor? Rowena Ravenclaw? Yep. Oh, fuck. Look at that.

Go on. Sam. Put, like, their essence into. But Salazar Slytherin was, like, an actual cunt. Like, surely when they were putting it in, they were like, Salazar, maybe you... You don't? Because you have really awful views on all of that.

He's like, what you say, Mudblood? I'll kill you. I'll kill you and I'll kill your family. So it's like you got diligence from Helga Hufflepuff, bravery from Rowena Ravenclaw. No, intelligence. Godric Gryffindor gives them. Courage.

And racism, I guess. I like to feel that they were just being ultra, ultra PC. Like, okay, we believe in virtues, praise, intelligence, strength, this kind of stuff. We believe that every person who can cast magic, no matter what, if they were born of muggles. But I guess we need an opposing viewpoint. All mud blugs are cunts.

We should kill them, fucking mud blugs. Houseley did it before. You're our guy. Good, good. Are you a mud blug? We should kill them, fucking mudblugs. So... How's Lady Number Four? Helen Booger! You're our guy! Good, good. Are you a mudblood? I'll fucking stab you through the goddamn eye. We just, like, the Wizarding World just leaves it up to that hat.

Like, if the hat put Harry in Slytherin and Dumbledore's like, I don't know how I feel about that, he can do anything. The hat said so, so I guess that's what you gotta do. Yeah, like, what if what if like a relatively straight student Was just put into Like Slytherin What if he pissed the hat off What if you're like you piece of shit hat

And he's like Slytherin You're like no take it back He's like too late motherfucker He's like fine Hufflepuff You're like that's even worse Damn it hat Fuck the D.A.R.O.

Like what happens if You don't belong in any house And the hat puts it on And he's like Get out Nothing He's like, get out. Nothing. He's expelled. Fuck this kid. Out.

Go away. He's dumb. He's going to be like, oh. Sorry. Hat says so. We do literally whatever the hat says. You've enrolled. But Jackson, I like to think that when you put on the sorting hat,

it's just going to vomit on you. Yeah. I like to think it just puts it on. Just take it off. everybody in the grand hall all of the teachers just have this shocked expression on their faces. And about four of them just nod. Just like, well, I don't know. Snape's nodding.

Snape's like, thank god. Called it grabbing money off other people. Hagrid is also nodding. A lot of the teachers just saw me like probably I just like had some uncoordinated movement while we were dining. The only 12-year-old with a beard. Like, fucking fork flies off,

smacks one of the candles laying on the table. Small fire, put it out. They're like, you're not going to go far here, Jackson. I'm like, I don't know. I don't know what happened. Floating candles seems like, that seems like a bad idea from the get-go. I'm sorry

Over wood What are we doing here guys I always wondered you know how in the Grand Hall The house elves they cook the food and then they magically Send it up through the floor What if you just laid it on top of the table Would it just be like cream in your stomach Would it just kill you

Would you be dead That's what it feels like to have a potato salad go through your chest There's apples in my heart. That's clearly you deliberately. I'm saying, what if you leaned over the table to grab the gravy? And like fucking olives with little toothpicks just pop into your eye. Straight into your eye. Or like a cake magics into your skull.

I just wanted gravy. Or like you just lean over to shake your friend's hand or something. Give him a high five. Anything. Arms gone. It's so dangerous. I always thought that I'd be putting Hufflepuff. I also agree with that. Because Hufflepuff,

in the books, I was reading up on this as well, they have a rad common room. It's full of vines and shit. And Helga Hufflepuff just comes Not Helga, Miss Sprout Just comes in and tells them the answers to tests In the description of the house I think it's from that Pottermore bullshit

It's like Helga Hufflepuff often Oh my god, Professor Sprout often comes into the Hufflepuff common room To tell the students about sprouts And that's why they're so good at fucking herbology So they're so good at herbology Because they just get the. Yeah, they're just cheating. Yeah, they're just cheating. Is McGonagall

doing the same thing with trans? No, she doesn't go up there. She comes in and is like everybody's asleep. Yeah, they're all proud and shit. Yeah, sprout comes in and is like, I don't want to, we already are laughing stock. Who's the teacher for Ravenclaw? I don't know. Flitwick? Let's say Flitwick, the dwarf.

Nah, it's not Flitwick. I think it's another lady. Really? I don't think it is. Slytherin's Snape, yeah? Yeah, Slytherin's Snape. He's like, also,

Snape hiring. Alright, Slytherin, already fairly evil. Got a really bad name. Let's put a former Death Eater. Yeah, why not?

Sure. That'll be funny. Well, he usually wouldn't hire you, that'll be funny. Well, he usually wouldn't hire you, but you on your application, you did write fuck mudbloods quite a lot, and going in the vibe of our house founder.

It is one of the virtues that our school has founded on, like hatred of people who are not newborns. Alright, you're on. You're on. I guess we'll give you the bad house. I love that tattoo you've got. It's, again, very metal.

I'm pretty sure to get into the Ravenclaw house, you have to figure out a riddle each time. What if you're drunk? Or what if you're just an idiot? You're an Hufflepuff. That's a good point. Okay, so Slytherin have a dungeon. They get a dungeon. Hufflepuff have this airy, nice room full of the test dancers.

Gryffindor is like a top of a tower sort of thing. I'm pretty sure Ravenclaw's top of a tower as well. I don't know what Ravenclaw's common room is like. It can't be great. Who's in Ravenclaw? Anyone in Ravenclaw? Flo Rida? No.

Flo Rida. Flo Chang? Flo Rida. Flo Chang. She was a babe. Flo Rida. Flo Chang babe Flo Chang Senior Chang

Community Joel McHale Wait why were you saying babes would be from Ravenclaw Because Cho Chang's a babe I think the babes would be spread out quite nicely I don't know, Hufflepuff gonna get babes No Isn't one of the other girls that...

No, never mind. I'm thinking of Gryffindor lady. Yeah, you're thinking of Gryffindor lady. I was thinking that Harry or Ron... Where was Tonks from? Who the fuck was Tonks? Tonks came from the other school. Oh, Tonks.

The school of babes. Is that Bobaton? It's the one with Fleur. Bobaton? Fleur? Tonks is the one that changes their hair a lot. You notice that you've got fucking Bobaton and Durmstrang as the other schools in Europe.

One is, like, all girls, one is all boys. Mm-hmm. What's that about? Is there some, like, Triwizard tournament, like, maybe about breeding people? Breeding wizards? Maybe. No, no, that's just an all-boys school, girls school, and then you've got the co-ed one.

That's all I'm saying. That doesn't seem that odd. Well, what is rough is that if you're... Because Bo Baton is from... He was very born in Australia. Cedric Diggory is a Hufflepuff, isn't he? Yeah. Wait, is there at least only three...

That's what I was going to say. In the world? If you're a dude born in France, you can't go to Bo Baton. There is one in Australia? What's it called? I can't remember. I know we have a Quidditch team,

but we don't have a school. Not that's ever been printed. I was looking this up. The closest we have is one in Japan. Oh, fuck. So if one of us ends up with magical powers, it's for tripping off to Japan. And I don't speak Japanese.

Well, I'm pretty sure there'd be a spell, so we'd be fine. Like we'd arrive and they'd be like, boop, boop. Yeah, you'd hope. You'd hope you wouldn't just be sitting there in charms like, I have no fucking idea what's going on. That's like a guy yelling at you in Japanese and you've got like a cockroach and a pen. Orogato, Mr. Roboto.

Magic the cockroach and the pen together and he's just screaming at you. You're like, I don't know what you've done for me. The sorting hat would be stressful as well. It would just say something in Japanese. Harika you are. You'd be like, which table is that? And everyone's looking at you

And then you go left or right You go like You go left And everyone just starts shaking their heads And then you go right And they start shaking your head as well You're like Oh man

What am I doing? I'm nervous But Hufflepuff The problem with Hufflepuff Because I used to think they were the whatever house They're the rejects, right? No They're the ones that are diligent and hardworking

See, I always figured Not They were like the Three Stooges house Like the idiot house? Yeah, the whatever house. They're the rejects, right? No, they're the ones that are diligent and hardworking. See, I always figured not. They were like the Three Stooges house. Like the idiot house? Yeah, the idiot house. Like they don't have any kind of security on their fucking entrance because no one would remember. I'm pretty sure. You get into the Hufflepuff house through a cask of wine.

Good. What? I know. You have to turn the tap. There's like three big wine barrels. You have to turn the taps in the right order and the middle one opens up and you chip on in are they are they drunks so to get into Gryffindor it's just a riddle isn't it

literally remember a password you're in why don't they do that with all the houses how about Slytherin like sell your soul to Satan and then you go? Yeah. You cut yourself.

Cut yourself? Like, on your hands with some blood. Perform a blood ritual and you go. I don't actually know. I know for Ravenclaw you get to solve a riddle,

which is like, fair enough. They're the clever house. They're the clever house. So, you know, I get it. Gryffindor password. Easy system. They're all brave, but not too brave.

Yeah, because it's always going to be like, what's the password? I don't know. You could ask someone and most people are like, hey, what's the password? I don't know. You could ask someone and most of you are like, hey, what's the password? You're not in my I guess it's password one. The painting is like

they're not from this house. Get the fuck out. But here's the password. They're like, okay. No, but the painting's like So really, it's pretty arbitrary. Might be a Polyjuice potion. So if I came up to say I was in the Hufflepuff house and I don't remember

I guess the cast could point out Sandy and Darby they're not going to be like drink me more and I go up to the fat lady and I'm like hey I don't remember the password but it's me I'm in my like 5th year you know me but she's still going to be like I think she is

yeah no because doesn't Harry or Ron Longbottom Longbottom Longbottom never remembers it He's like in the password He's in the hallway For like 7 hours Yeah That's so rough

Surely instead of this complicated bullshit Just a spell Or even just tell the fat lady Let her have a roster Student ID cards. Yeah, student ID. Done. Also, if Hufflepuff is the dumb house,

because they're not clever, they're just diligent, a complicated tap-turning puzzle... That's not good. That seems like no one's going to get in. You're going to arrive to a crowd of Hufflepuffs and be like, guys, what's happening? And they're like, no one's going to...

Actually, Neville's in Gryffindor. You could be in Gryffindor. Fuck you! they're like, no, I'm just kidding. Actually, Neville's in Gryffindor. You could be in Gryffindor. Fuck you! Wondering where that was going. But Neville had an aptitude for something. I'm not going to be good at anything. He was courageous.

I'm not courageous. You know when Harry, Ron and Hermione are like, we're going to go out and fight the fucking three-headed dog? I'll be like, good luck to you. I'm staying here and jacking it, see? Magically. Yeah, magically with my wand. That would be amazing. I just love, like, you know, like, Flitwick,

your first class, he looks at Wanda and is like, I know. I know what you've been doing. So what makes a charm a charm? What makes a curse a curse? Like, what's going on there? I think you can curse something bad and charm with something good. Oh, maybe. But then again, it's all subjective, really.

Because if I'm killing this guy and he's going to kill me, it's a good thing. I think they just call most things... With charms, it's just general spells sort of thing. I think curses is technically still a charm. I reckon you'd go to Gryffindor. I don't know why, but I reckon you're not a Ravenclaw. No, not a Ravenclaw.

I would argue either Hufflepuff or Gryffindor. Do you want to bro out in Slytherin? I've... Where do you think you're not a Ravenclaw. No, not a Ravenclaw. I would argue either Hufflepuff or Gryffindor. Do you want to bro out in Slytherin? Where do you think you're going? I don't know. I don't think Hufflepuff is the right fit for me. I'm too mad. You're too mad. You're too angry.

I would get too fed up with their shit. You'd come up to everybody hanging around the fucking barrels and be like, guys, it's very simple. Left Gryffindor. Middle. You could have tried it. You could have tried it. You could have tried various. I think I'm somewhere between,

well, I guess based on this, I'm somewhere between Gryffindor and Slytherin. I think with Gryffindor, you'd be just like, fuck your righteous bullshit. Nah, I'm happy to be righteous. Oh my God. I'm also happy to go help fight a three-headed dog. I would do that, but I'd poison the dog.

Probably because I want to bang Hermione the whole time, though, so I'm just trying to impress her. So you're just basically changing the plot of Harry Potter because Hermione gets too creeped out and asks to move out. There's this one guy who just keeps staring at me. Send me to Ravenclaw. She's like, surely I'm a better fit in Ravenclaw.

I can remember riddles. I'm very clever. Please. Why didn't she go to Ravenclaw? Because she wanted to go to Gryffindor because she was the main character of a book same with Longbottom Longbottom the sorting hat

so really the sorting hat is just Hufflepuff too it's like I'm letting the Gryffindor so the sorting hat is really just bullshit it's like a show sorting hat is there

to tell you where it thinks you should go and then you argue with it and he's like alright it's like I'm sick of your shit you don't even argue if it was like

to me it was like Jax and Hufflepuff and I was like, I don't know, do you share in Zammert or in Slytherin? Can I just chuff over there? Sure, dude, I could not give up. I'm going to put on the hat and it's just going to be like Slytherin, maybe Gryffindor. I'm like, teaching stuff. It's like, fine.

Hagrid's. I want to go to Hagrid's. I want to pet Buckbeak. I want to be Hagrid. I want to live within the walls, please. Send me along with the house elves. I want to be Hagrid Send me along with the house elves I want to be a chef Okay, whatever Imagine the hat just being like Slytherin, Gryffindor, teaching stuff

The teacher's like, what? And I'm just like, yeah I'm the new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher Well, I guess it's better than how he got the last four. They just went to Voldemort like, do you have any spare Death Eaters? We need someone to teach Defense Against the Dark Arts. I do like the idea of a 12-year-old kid

trying to teach Defense Against the Dark Arts, and he's like, right, today we're doing boggarts. And he just opens the door, and a giant lizard comes out, and he's just like, Ah! It rots out. Also, he hasn't had any education, so

he just doesn't know how to do anything. Just stab it with your wand, man. And it turns back into the normal Boggart thing and she's like bleeding and like... Trauma. That's what that kid gets for Christmas.

The whole class. Gets him traumatizing a 12-year-old killer Boggart. That's what that kid gets for Christmas. The whole class. The whole class gets a problem seeing a 12-year-old kill a bugger. I'm surprised at one stage they didn't go to Ark, request the actual Voldemort to teach them. Well, they pretty much did. Professor Quirrell.

I mean, the actual Voldemort. No, but Voldemort's on the back of his head. Voldemort was chilling in the back of Quirrell's head. That's true. I always love the idea of some point early on in Quirrell's teaching career, like an alternate timeline for Harry Potter, where some kid just like, fires a spitball at the back of the turban, and it just comes loose, and there's Voldemort's head, and he

just can't escape, because he's just a face, so he's just like, aw. Aw, gee. Aw. And Quirrell's easy to take down, they just take down Quirrell. Harry Potter never becomes famous. Yeah. I also like the idea of like, they hire Quirrell, they Potter never becomes famous. Yeah. I also like the idea of, like, they hire Quirrell, they're like, something's fishy about him,

and then someone's being like, you can't just say someone's fishy because they're wearing a turban. Dude, it's the 20th. He's white. He's so white. Quirrell is real white, eh? He's extremely white. Like, white guy in a turban.

Suss. Maybe he's got a face back there. Maybe it's Voldemort. Has anyone checked it out? Did he take it off in his downtime? When did he get the Voldemort face?

What if when he goes to bed is he smothering Voldemort with his pillow? I assume he would have it lying inside. There's just so much. When he takes a shit. If he's having a drink, like two juices like this.

Like when he takes a shit, is Voldemort then smelling all the shit? Yeah, Voldemort's looking down. Looking down directly at him. Even when Voldemort's got the turban over his face. Can you imagine like girls riding something on the board and there's just tongue pokes out of the back of the turban. I was just like, what was that Krill? What was what?

Would you have to feed him? I don't know. I guess unicorn blood. The whole thing's just like smacking unicorn blood in the back of your head. Getting it into his brain. The turban is just like bloody on the back. Like, are you okay?

Have you had a head trauma? Yeah. Why are you bleeding unicorn blood? Yum. It's very good. It's like great unicorn blood.? Yub. It's very good. It's a great unicorn blood. It's fresh. It's fresh killed. I like it. Good on Quirrell for killing a unicorn.

Is that even a virgin? Yes. No, the unicorn was a virgin. Wait, what? Say what? What? You catch a unicorn if you're a virgin. What? What? Holy fuck, this is Unicorns 101. The only way to catch a unicorn is to get a virgin. Harry Potter unicorns or just unicorn unicorns? Unicorns in general. That confuses me less.

I thought you were like, no, in Harry Potter, you have to be a virgin. Neville, he finds so many. All unicorns, they just crowd around his room. Just like nuzzling him. He's like, look at all my friends. I think it would just be such a hassle to be at Hogwarts during Harry Potter's time there.

Because can you imagine, like, say, you know, Zamet's having his Slytherin times, you're in Gryffindor, I'm in Hufflepuff, and it's like, giant snake, running through the halls. Every morning, like, every Can we hang out still? No. I'm not hanging out with you. Cho Chang is Harry's girlfriend for a bit, and they're in different houses. Yeah, but when would we interact?

I guess in class. In class. I guess I'm not going to be well-liked by any of my Hufflepuffians. It's just not going to be You just can't sleep in the same room as your friends But sleepovers Can't I be like look guys Slytherin house You need to get Jackson he's a riot

Can we just bring him down to the dungeon We have a great sexy party You probably can You'd have to let me in Or if we were going up to chill with you and eat that candy that turns you into a canary. Yeah. You know, Fred and George, we invented this awful body horror candy.

Come up and try it. If you were like, guys, it's so rad. And we got to the painting and you were like, here's the password, and then it shot behind us. No, I think if you took someone in with you, the painting would be like, all right, but at a certain time they need to leave. So why doesn't Harry hang out with anyone from Slytherin or anything?

Because Harry's a dick. He's a righteous dick. He's a righteous cunt. Sorry, are you not from Gryffindor? And you're not a babe? Harry's mean, man. I'd hang out with you in Slytherin. He just judges anyone. He's like, Slytherin, clearly a cunt.

And yes, he's right. But still, I'm more confused about the fact that like well not confused really it's just like every start of term you just go to go to like in the Harry going to school with Harry meant that first year assembly like first assembly of the year

you just get the thing and Dumbledore's like welcome back from holidays over the holidays Harry killed another defense against the archers teacher soore's like welcome back from holidays over the holidays, Harry killed another defense against the arch-ards teacher so here's a new one watch out for that kid he's killed so many teachers, imagine this, imagine how much you'd hate

Harry Potter, end of the year, right? Zammet in Slytherin, like Draco's done some bad shit but you've done some great stuff for the school 10 points for Gryffindor and then you lose again I guess you're in points for gryffindor and then you lose again yeah it'd be like i mean well i guess you're in fucking gryffindor you'd be happy i'd be like high-fiving all my bros yeah also 100 points it'd be like slytherin one you'd be like finally we never win but rod weasley's a top bloke uh 10 points to gryffindor did they win every year yes they did mother no one year Slytherin do win a year

Good I don't know when One year I'm 100% sure Gryffindor do not win All six years They certainly win Like five of them

I would be so pissed Also, what if like Quirrell was your favourite teacher? I know What if like Quirrell was like What if like You went to him And he's like

I'll help you I'll help you out with this. You're like, oh, thank you, Quirrell. You're the only one who took time to chat to me. And now you're dead. Pretty much every year. By the third year, if bad shit went down, you'd blame Harry Potter. Also, I'd be confused, though, like

if you were friends with Quirrell and you were like, oh, he's my favorite teacher. Then you find out he had Voldemort on the back of his head, you'd be like, am I a death eater? Am I a death I a Death Eater am I a Death Eater now I think about who I am for a mo did I just support the massacre of

wizards well not wizards mudbloods mudbloods then maybe you'd be like they aren't pure that's true that's true

sure better than those motherfucking retard squibs but if you like okay so there's like a serial killer. You'd hate the fuck out of Harry Potter. Third year, they're like, oh, there's a serial killer targeting Harry Potter,

attacking the castle. You'd be like, piece of shit, Harry. Get Harry out of here. Fourth year, they'd be like, nobody's allowed in the Triwizard Tournament. Oh, but Harry is. You'd be like, you piece of shit, Harry. When Harry comes up to fight the dragon,

everyone would be booing. I'd be booing. I'd be like, you piece of shit, Harry When Harry comes up to fight the dragon Everyone would be booing I'd be booing I'd be like, fuck you He's like Accio Broomstick And it just takes forever Everybody just being like, faggot, where's your broom? Didn't work, faggot

Also They'd be like, finally, another student's got the time to shine Cedric Diggory I love Diggory, Diggory's my bro Also, they'd be like, finally, another student's got the time to shine. Cedric Diggory. Cedric Diggory. I love Diggory. Diggory's my bro. He's in Hufflepuff.

He's probably a real nice guy. He's probably like, Jackson here, let me help you cheat on all of the everything, because you're not good. You know? Because Hufflepuff. Dead. House of cheaters. Dead. Harry's fault.

Yeah, touches the cup, comes back, Cedric's dead. I'd be like, Harry killed him. Harry killed Cedric. What other excuse do you have? You know what I heard? I heard that Cedric was dating Cho, and fucking Harry had none of this bullshit. Murdered him in the tournament when no eyes was looking.

Nobody's looking. Fucking Harry. You notice how there was literally no deaths until Harry came to this school? Last year, sweetest year. Harry arrives, everything goes down. We're killing off Quirrell, people getting fucking stoned, but not the... No.

Nobody's getting smoked in the garden, John. Get out of here, you bullshit. Is there wizard drugs? Yeah. There have to be. If Fred and George can manufacture a candy that you eat and get a fucking beak they're a wizard drug sick that's so awful that scene was so really disturbing because i don't know if you remember it but they're all like fred and george

have manufactured these new candy and they're all sitting around trying them and they're like long bottom try this one and he tries it and gets all fucking mutated and bird-like and he can't talk. All he does is like... And everyone's pissing themselves. That would be pretty funny. That would be so traumatizing. That would happen to you. It would happen to me all the time.

You'd be like, Jackson, Jackson, Fred and George made this really good candy. I'm like, is it going to change me again? You'd be like, no, no, no. No, no, no, we're fine. Stop vomiting, slugs. Not funny! Fuck you, douche.

I just keep laughing so much. Yeah, Slytherin house. No, but Gryffindor's also like that. Yeah, that is happening in Gryffindor. Fred and George are both from Gryffindor as well. If you invited me to Slytherin it would be less like Hey Jackson eat this candy If you're like Jackson I'm going to make you eat slugs

Slytherin it's more like Hey come out and get Slytherin We're going to make you do a blood sacrifice Seriously You want to come party with me I'm in Gryffindor I've decided Gryffindor's for me Sixth year Harry starts his Dumbledore's army I'm not joiningryffindor. I've decided. Gryffindor's for me. I'm sticking with Slytherin. Sixth year, Harry starts his Dumbledore's army.

I'm not joining that. Oh, God, no. No, fuck that. Whatever. I don't need to be part of that. When it comes to the final battle and they're like, are you on Harry's side? Voldemort's like, come to me.

I'm going to be like, yeah, okay. Come to me. What are you offering? Fucking kill Harry Potter. All right, then. I'm also like, I just like when dumbledore's army starts if you're dating someone so like if especially if you're dating someone in gryffindor you're like oh you're gonna join dumbledore's army like no it's way too dangerous to like the girl's probably

gonna be like loser like i'd be like look i i don't know about you guys i don't know what you why you think this is like a gorilla fucking like an army. There is a good chance all of us are going to die. This is a school, so I'm just going to study and pass and be fine. Yeah. I'm going to be the kind of person that takes just way too long to accept that Dumbledore's back. Yeah. I'll be like, Jackson, come on. I'll be like, nah, nah, they're gone.

So what job opportunities do you have after, say, as a Slytherin? As a Slytherin, absolutely none. What do I have? They'll look over your scores, they'll be like, pretty good. So Slytherin? As a Slytherin, absolutely none. They'll look over your scores, they'll be like, pretty good, how's Slytherin? Mass murder? Yeah, pretty much. Yeah, Voldemort 2.0.

That's pretty much your best. Can I become like a lawyer? An accountant? What's Malfoy's dad? He works for the Ministry of Magic, doesn't he? Yeah, corrupt minister. Yeah, corrupt minister. That's all right.

Corrupt minister, aura. You can own a shop. Arupt minister. Aura. Yeah. And you are some... You can own a shop. Yeah. A robe store. That's the best. No, I want to open a robe. Shut the fuck up, Samad.

I'm down for the robe store. But like secondhand robes. Secondhand robes, but also like with a plant business on the side. Yeah, like a plant business? No. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Just a normal plant business. Kids will come in and be like, hey. And I'll be like, I'll get you a good robe, mate. And they no, no, no, no, no. I just want to... Just a normal plant business. Kids will come in and be like,

hey, and I'll be like, I'll get you a good robe, mate. And they'll be like, what house are you? And I'll be like, Hufflepuff. They're like, I'm going to avoid that. How much do you make? Not that much.

It's so shit. So, things have come up pretty well for me. I'm a dick in high school and then get an okay job. I fight crime. Yeah, man. I'm a dick in high school and then get an okay job. I fight crime. Yeah, man, I get a dick in high school and then I become crime.

I just have a pretty alright time running a robe store. It's not bad. Well, now that we've all been sorted, I've been Joel from Gryffindor. I've been Joel from Slytherin. The better Joel. Jackson from Hufflepuff.

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