Plumbing the Death Star - Which Horror Villain Would You Fight? (Feat. Zoe)

Episode Date: October 27, 2014

In which our heroes defend Crystal Lake, wage a Dream War, aim our missiles at a Godzilla and decide which movie monsters they could take in a fight. We look at the ideal ways to grapple with a gremlin, crush a cave creep, kill a Cujo, and get rid of a Grundlefly. Jackson defends his home against the notorious toilet ghoul, Zoe just straight up commits cold blooded murder, Zammit attempts to drown a car, and Duscher just wants to eliminate every monster from David Cronenberg’s filmography. It's a spooky rumble where we go toe to hideous clawed toe in a battle between horror movie alumni and some out of shape idiots.Want to help arm us against the creatures of the night? Head to http://www.patreon.com/sanspantsradio and for as little as $1 a month, you can help make a difference in the battle between good and evil. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Sands Pants Radio, ribbed for your pleasure. Would you like us to explain the birds and bees to your children? We're so happy to do that. Email us at sandspantsradio at gmail.com and we promise to have a good template to start with. For everything else, just follow the links at our website, sandspantsradio.com. Hey guys, welcome to this year's Halloween special

of Plumbing the Death Star, where we ask important questions like, which horror movie villain could you take in a fight? Alright. Just to clarify because I know one of you fucking idiots will come in and be like Rosemary's Baby because anyone can fucking fight a baby. That's a good answer.

I would punch a baby in the face if it meant saving the world. Bury a baby under the ground. You can't fight back. Drown it. Hey, Rosemary's baby. Moral stigma. And it is a worry. What if you were wrong, like it wasn't? He just murdered a baby and now you're an asshole.

You're the guy like, don't hang out with him. He murdered a baby. He killed a baby. He thought it was the devil. It was just a baby and now you're an arsehole. Yeah, you're the guy like, don't hang out with him. He murdered a baby. He killed a baby. He thought it was the devil. It was just a baby. He might have been the devil. Yeah, no, I mean like, so for instance, it's not just like you're fighting this guy.

It's like you've been in charge to, like the town's put you in charge of defeating this monster, like ridding the town of it. Okay, so like say the monsters come up and like, guys, look, parlay. All right. charge of defeating this monster like ridding the town of it okay so like say the monsters come up and like guys look parley all right uh i will stop terrorizing your village if you nominate one person and we have like a one-on-one fight i was thinking more okay we could roll with that but i was thinking more like in a horror movie how there's one person that defeats the villain i like sam it's one because i like like frankenstein coming being like, but that's a little different. I'll leave your town alone if that guy

fights me. Huh? Sorry? In my head, it was the little sleepy beach town in Jaws and the shark just like swimming up. I like that we all have our own horror town. Because if it's a fist fight, that automatically makes... I don't have a fist fight, I will fight in a one-on-one fight.

This is the guy that has to defeat me. I like to think it's your job. It's your job to go around killing... It's your job to stop a monster. Which monster do you think you could stop the easiest? Because a fist fight with Jaws... You're a fucking idiot if you think you can win in a fist fight. Isn't that how you defeat a shark?

Shallow waters. Punch it on the nose. Shallow waters. Punch it on the nose. Get a crowbar and just hit it with it if you dare yeah dunk dunk

unless like in a jar oh just put it in some fresh water unless Jaws like in his death row like makes like one giant lunge at me and then just like

squishes me and then I'm dead bite your legs off yeah well Zammett shouldn't have tried to fist fight a shark we are sassy in your death

I like to think that I say that at your funeral. I'm not actually sad his dad, because it's his own fucking fault for trying to fight a shark. I like to think your coffin is huge, because we can get the shark's jaws off, so there's just jaws and your top half. I like to imagine we just left your body in the sea and buried jaws.

Yeah, good, good. But dying by a shark, I mean, come on. That's pretty brutal. Pretty fucking metal. It's not very metal. It's more surfboard. He fist fought a shark. Nah, because that's a dumb fight.

If he fist fought a werewolf, all right. Okay, so, okay. Is it all right if I start? Are we happy for me to... Let's do it. Anything little. So we're talking critters, we're talking toilet ghouls, we're talking gremlins, we're talking Chucky, we're talking chucky we're talking the leprechaun and the leprechaun two

back to the hood and obviously rosemary's baby because they're little and look i'll take on four of them to make an even fight probably omen as well because damien that's just a kid no i still omen two then you're fucked because he's an adult and omen three where he's the president that's not happening. But, like, I mean, how hard could it be to take on... Okay, I'm just going to highlight a flaw almost straight away. Okay. All of those little things you just picked, usually not a one-on-one situation.

No, I'm happy to... Otherwise, there wouldn't be... I'll take on five gremlins. Four gremlins and a mogwai. I'll do that shit. I can take the mogwai first, squish it beneath my mighty fists, and then, as the gremlins leap at me,ai i'll do that shit i can take the mogwai first squish it beneath my mighty fists and then as the gremlins leave at me snap their little gremlin necks i could take them out like

at least 10 mogwais like i mean fighting you although you even punch the mogwai although with a mogwai if you say the first one right like you hit it and squish and it's blood then got onto the other mogwais would they then turn into gremlins? Because if so then I might be fucked. Yeah. What's the maximum amount of gremlins before you're out of luck? I reckon three for you, easy. Three gremlins? They're like about the size of a

Furby? Furby? No, they're mogwais. A small-ish dog. Yeah. Okay, so you punch one, it doesn't die because a small dog wouldn't die from a punch. No, I'm snapping their little neck. At best you can kick it like a football. Okay, so in the motion it takes to snap your...

You idiot. In the motion it takes to snap the neck, the other ones are gnawing at your neck. They've run up your arm. They're gnawing at your neck. You're bleeding out. No, because you've got to remember... And you haven't even taken out one in this situation yet.

You'll die in Jackson. I snap his neck, and they've got tiny little shitty gremlin teeth. Don't they have giant teeth? Don't gremlins have... What makes them scary, though? They have the teeth of a lizard. Like about lizard level.

And that one lady just took on about four anyway with a blender. Yeah. That's with a blender. You're trying to fist... You're trying to break a little neck. You're dead. You die.

Gremlin's done. Jackson wins. Toilet ghoul. Fuck off, you win. What's a toilet ghoul? He's a ghoul that lives in your toilet from the film.

I got that. Where's it from? From the film. Okay. Oh my god. So how do you know which toilet it's in? I'll just block them all up,

poop outside. You're not winning then. It's dying because it can't get any fresh air. Just poopy air. Poopy air. It's dying because it can't get any fresh air. Just poopy air. I'll wait until it comes up in the toilet, slam the lid down,

cork it shut like C-A-U-L-K cork, and then cork up the pipe and then he'll just be trapped in the toilet. I'll be like, fuck you, toilet ghoul. Shit in the upstairs toilet. Done. Ten points. You can't give this element a toilet ghoul element surprise. It has to be a toilet ghoul. Shit in the upstairs toilet. Done. Ten points. You can't give this element a toilet ghoul element surprise.

It has to be a toilet ghoul. Alright, we're fine. Not an element of surprise then, but do you have the plumbing skills to do everything you just listed? Because I don't think you do. I don't even know what cork is. It's pretty easy to cork, but I'm just confused. It's gel. It's fine. I'll do it for you.

Okay, no, no, no. you try to cement it sorry i'm just trying to understand like in what situation like jackson's like i'm going to use the upstairs bathroom it's like yeah how are you going to explain that to guests like don't go into the downstairs bathroom there's a toilet well you just say it's out of order and like you've cemented it shut apparently but i argue that in the time it's going to take you to gel this stuff it's attacking you in this instance and also if you slam it and then like cork it off it it's going to take you to gel this stuff, it's attacking you in this instance and you'll die. Also, if you slam it and then cork it off, it's then going to be like, well, this toilet's going to get blocked, so I'm just

going to pop down the pipes up to the upstairs toilet. No, slam it, brick it, cork the other end. Yeah. And then quickly cork the lid while the brick's still on it. Problem solved. Hang on, how are you corking the other end without disconnecting the pipes? Yeah, I don't know how to disconnect pipes.

Smash it. But then the toilet ghoul is going to come out of the pipe. I'm out of the pipe now. It's going to take a lot of timing, and I just don't think you have that. Can a toilet ghoul survive outside a toilet? Doesn't matter. It probably would out-strength you. It would outmatch you, I reckon.

I'm wondering if I can resort to a life of living in a cabin in the woods and pooping in a hole. You're not winning in a fight then! The toilet ghoul... You're just avoiding it. ...popped out of the toilet, so now the toilet ghoul is on the floor, and he's like, I'm like, you are tiny and you have a little purple head. I'm not going to even worry about you.

So it's only stress if you're sitting on the toilet ghoul and he jumps up, bites your scrotum or whatever. I'm going to grab you, put you in a fish tank, you are now my exotic pet. You are now, and they your scrotum or whatever. I'm like going to grab you put you in a fish tank you are now my exotic pet. You are now and they're like what's that?

I'm like that's a toilet ghoul. Have you seen this toilet ghoul? Okay so your new plan which will probably work a lot better than your initial plan the plan that we helped you make you're going to wait

for a toilet ghoul prick the lid then smash the pipe so it comes out and then you're just going to pick it up and put it in a fish tank. Because you'd grab its legs and then he would be like it comes out and then you're just going to pick it up and put it in a fish tank. Because you'd grab its legs

and then he would be like and I'd be like, smack! Into a fish tank. You know how you kill a snake by just slamming its head down on the ground? I'll just do that with the toilet ghoul. I don't want it in a fish tank, he's ugly. People are going to be like, that's disgusting. I would.

Give it to your mother-in-law. Give it to your mother-in-law I reckon you're overpowered by the gremlins I don't reckon you'd survive I'm giving you a bit of doubt At least with four gremlins I think I would be in trouble But they'd be done

Okay, so four gremlins Snap the necks of the gremlins One toilet ghoul One toilet ghoul Okay, what's next? Critters? That's just like little furry furballs I could just set them on fire

Bury them The critters, yeah Their strength is in numbers. If we had one or two critters, then they're fucked. They're gone. The leprechaun might give me a bit of stress. That's true. Because he's magic. If I'm not, you're fucked.

Is the leprechaun the one that bests me? If he's like, Oh, Jackson, you have to best me in a fist fight. Well, he's not very strong looking. Well, it depends what rules... He's Warwick Davis, who, even though he's a very funny guy, he's not in great shape.

Yeah, it depends what rules of gremlins play. Once again, kick him. Yeah, just kick a fucking leprechaun. If the leprechaun's like, I won't use my magic, but we can fight, then I think you've got a chance. But if he's like, fuck you, I'm going to use all my magic, then you're like, eh, I'm fucked. Yeah.

No, but that's... I don't think it would be a... This is a... Again, it's not a one-on-one can fight. Then I think you've got a chance. But he's like, fuck you, I'm going to use all my magic. And you're like, hey, I'm fucked. Yeah. No, but that's, I don't think it would be, this is, again, it's not a one-on-one fist fight. No, it's not a one-on-one fist fight. I'm just saying it's, you're fighting the leprechaun. Yeah. And the leprechaun's using all his tricks. How does the leprechaun haunt people in this movie? Because I haven't seen it. I'm not 100% sure.

Zammett, can we get a fact check on how the leprechaun works so I can tell you how I take him down? Although I feel like... Catch him in a net. You were just listing small things. Catch him in a net. Catch him in a net that has iron in it. Magic things cannot deal with iron.

That's true. Yeah, that's fucking true, Dusha. That's how fucking fairies work. And leprechaun, kind of fairy. Is not always how those work, though. No, I'm going gonna give him that. Iron it, net him, iron, done. Okay, where are you getting an iron net?

No, you net him and then you get some iron. Okay, he's magic. What are you netting him with? Just like a fish. What are you... Oh, okay. Make a fucking net out of iron chains, you dickface. No, how's he making... How is he making a net of iron chains? Yeah, but if our job is to hunt down monsters,

I'm assuming we understand this. It's like being like, well, I'm Van Helsing now, so I can outsmart everything. I'm just assuming, for the sake of all these arguments, that I'm living a normal life, and oh shit, a toilet ghoul. Oh shit, a gremlin.

Yeah, that's more the thing. Oh shit, a leprechaun. We're professional monster hunters. We can take down pretty much anything. And I'll just be like, get out my fucking... Gun! Toilet ghoul gun. Cork up his mouth.

Actually, that could also work against gremlins. Now that I think about it. And against the leprechaun. Cork, Jackson Belly's weapon of choice. No, but you need to get the... All right, then. You's weapon of choice. No, but you need to get the Cork. All right, then. You'll have to compete

in Cork. No. Oh, no. You need to remember that, like, have you ever tried to give a dog a tablet? Mm.

Mm. True. Like, you can have the same thing with a Cork, except this thing is trying to kill you Rather than just trying to ignore the cork So I think

If we teamed up I held down the leprechaun and you corked his mouth No again He's magic you hold him down I'm wearing iron gloves fuck you Iron gloves Where are you getting iron gloves from I'll fucking go to a store

Iron gloves store I'm going to go to a store. Iron gloves store. Okay, I'm going to a machine gun store. No, Zoe's best. If we're doing the shit you have in the house, you grab your fucking iron, and most houses do have two, so you grab your irons and use them kind of like... Yeah, a vice. Yeah, a little vice.

So you vice the leprechaun's head, and as he's like... Ow! I get the cork. And for a little extra, you can plug in and turn on the eye. Yeah. Did I win? Are we thinking just already calling it? Jackson Bailey wins.

I feel like the leprechaun has fucked you. I feel like even if I'm getting me with all of you, maybe, but alone, he's stabbing me in the chest. The moment I like hold him down, I'm going, I'm going to fill your mouth with cork. Yeah, I think he's a bit sneaky I reckon I could take down Cujo

Cujo the ravenous the rabid dog rabid dog pretty sure I've got like a bat or something yeah but here's the issue here's the issue say in the rumble

the rabid dog rumble yep awesome name you get bitten yep Gelsamit gets rabies yep Gelsamit dies nah the thing Yep. Gelsamit dies.

Nah, the thing is, I'd get bitten and then I'd go to a doctor and get it treated. Can we treat rabies? Yeah. Because he'd just maul you while you're... Because if it's a one-on-one fight and you're allowed to kill him, when you hit him with a bat, he's like, I'm going to the vet. It's the same thing. Well, no. The dog. Oh, right. So I'm just going to hit him with a bat

once and I'm done? Is that how you think I'm doing this? Like, oh! No, no, no. I'm just going to hit him in the back once and I'm done? Is that how you think I'm doing this? Like, oh, I smacked him in the face. No, no, no, but Douche's argument is that, like... If it bites you, it's not just going to bite you once and then be like, you've got rabies, I win. That's what his argument was. What?

You're saying, like, if I beat him and then you bite him, I've got rabies now, correct? Yeah. Yeah, but we can cure rabies if we catch it in time. The problem with rabies is that if you get bitten by something and you just don't bother treating it, then's bad then you get deceased and die yeah so like you know if you catch it kujo has magic rabies oh does he yeah in fact the rabies of kujo i think infects the town it's a giant it's a giant dog but if i have access to a thing a bat crowbar

stuff i can like so you reckon you could take down, like, if you had like a Doberman coming after you, you reckon you could take down a Doberman? I could take down a Doberman. It's harder to take down dogs than you think. If I know it's coming for me, like, if, okay, if Cujo, if I'm like, you know, going in my fridge and like, getting some like, spaghetti, and then like, Cujo just jumps

from behind you, I'm fucked. But if I can like, if it's like, alright, I'm gonna hunt this dog down, or like, I know I'm gonna fight Cujo. You've gotta remember that rabies makes dogs super aggressive so if you hit him with a crowbar it's not like he's gonna be like I know. It's like I know. This is my problem with most things. I hit

them once. No, you just keep hitting until it's dead. But it's gonna be biting. Yeah, but if I think like If I smack it in the eye with a crowbar really fucking hard and get it down, and then I just keep fucking going at him with a crowbar. I'm trying to understand if you've got a crowbar or a bat, where should we mean stuff that we'd probably...

Yeah, stuff like that I'm happy to be like, iron gloves, no, but a bat, yes. I can't be like, where are you going to get a bat from? Sports store? So things we could easily get our hands on. Chainsaw. Yeah, that's probably better than a bat. Problem solved. No, not agile enough.

I feel I would cut me with a chainsaw. And I feel like you've kind of only got one chance with a chainsaw. I was like, choice? Do I mean choice? So I think either a crowbar with a nice hook to it. Yeah, really get into their brain. They'll get into that hook. I feel like the issue with Cujo for you is the same issue I'd have with the Gremlins.

You would eventually end Cujo, but you would be in a bad way. I'd be in a bad way, but I think unless it's magic rabies, which makes me get rabies instantly, I'm fucked. But if it can be treated rabies, I'm okay. Well, yeah, I think fucked. But if it can be, like, treated rabies? No, I think you can. I'm okay. Well, yeah, I think you could take down Cujo. Cool. What's next?

Christine. The car. No, you could not. It's a car. It runs you over. It runs you over. I'll just go up to the second. Like, non-possessed cars are a threat for you.

I could go up to the second. Have you ever tried to cross a busy highway? Like, fuck it, I'll get out. I'm in my fucking Prius. Second story of a house. Whatever. Cars could probably drive upstairs. Nah.

But then again, you're hiding. You're not defeating it. Yeah, this is like me moving out of the country so I don't have to deal with a toilet gulch. Can I, from my second story, just be pouring gasoline? Yep. You've got a gasoline-y car. Yeah, and then light it on fire.

And it burns down your house, you die as well. I'm pretty sure I'm not going to wait around for my house just to catch on fire and burn me. No, no, no, but if you... I can... Okay, so you go downstairs, it's still on fire. How, like, little... You have a flame car coming for you. Oh, no!

No, I just don't want people... How little do you think my, like my time management skills are so poor? That car's on fire, my house's on fire, I guess I'm just going to sit here? No, my argument is... Or is it like the house will just catch on fire and be gone within about a good 20 seconds? No, my... Do you understand that we act to these things? I'm more worried that you just didn't take into account that it's not like a living

thing, so it's not like it being on fire is going to make it... That's a good point. If you burn it, it's not dying. Okay, but it would melt the tires. And how is it going to get around? The fire needs to be ridiculously hot to melt tires. Yeah, you've not ended it. You've pretty much just set the car on fire.

Which it then rams into your house. So you're stuck on the second story. What if I go on a pier? Can I go to a pier and be like, you know, I reckon I could maybe at least jump out the way and it could go into the ocean. No, because here's what's happening. Because again, you're thinking of it like a car

and not like a possessed car. So you're at the end of the pier and you're like, fuck you, Christine. Come get a piece of this. And then the car's like, and then it just stops just in front of you. And you're like, fuck you, Christine. Come get a piece of this. And then the car's like, and then it just stops just in front of you. And you're like, and then you look back and all this behind you is a pier and all that's in front of you is a possessed car. And you're like, I did not think this through.

And then it rams you either off the pier or just waits. Or you jump into the ocean and while you swim back to the beach, it reverses. And just waits at the beach for you, and you're just in the shallows, like, this is my life now. You're like, come on, come into the shallows and get stuck. I think in a standoff between something that is not actually alive versus a man stuck in the ocean i think the car wins man verse car car wins no i'd like to think like it is a summer and like yeah just like you wait there for a good like 12 hours then so the day comes in all these like beach goers start coming in crowding around the car they're like what are you doing you're like i'm just gonna i'm just

really confused you guys aren't thinking of the really obvious answers. Like what? What's obvious about killing? How do you obviously kill a car? Tow truck. Yeah, but... That's not killing it. That's just towing it.

Christine, like waiting for you at the end of the pier and you're like, just a second, Christine. I'm at the pier. RACV. I hit my car. Wait, what's this? Broken down. Just getting pulled away

Good Back Back crushed Thank god I had roadside assistance Otherwise Christian would have Just fucked me

I just want to clarify The original house fire thing I was more worried Like Cause like what Zoe said Like the tires aren't Bursting straight away Yeah

Cars on fire But you're on the second story So like even if your house Catches on fire slowly Which I'm aware how house fires are it's not like boom

house gone ash your house catches fire but you're on the second story where's your fire exit yeah I see what you mean I think I would go down the stairs because I'm assuming

like the moment you drop the match so you were assuming and then like run out the back and plows through your house yeah and then I go to the next house I think a tow truck is how you beat Christine a tow truck is just hilarious I think a tow truck is how you beat Christine. A tow truck is just hilarious, I guess.

A tow truck that just reverses up to the pier and drops Christine in the ocean. All right, fair enough. I'm going to go there. So you're giving me Cujo? I'm giving you Cujo. I'm giving you Christine. Christine, only if I have roadside assistance.

Yeah. Maybe. Maybe. And then, are we giving you Christine or are we giving RACV the kill? I don't think you get credited with that kill I feel like RACV

having in like their main office kills Christine but I did make the call so hey partial credit

I'll give you one and a half Jigsaw because I reckon I could beat a man with cancer yeah Jigsaw is cancer

that's cool this is a weird one though that is my like done Jigsaw man with cancer Jigsaw is cancer, that's cool. This is a weird one, though, because Jigsaw... That is my, like, done. I'm, yeah, Jigsaw, man with cancer. Jigsaw's a strange one, though, because it's not like in any of the films him himself is the issue.

Oh, yeah, no. I never said that. I'm saying if I could get Jigsaw in a room, I reckon I could take him down. I suppose he wouldn't survive... As long as it's a room that he didn't devise. Let's make that clear but the thing with Jigsaw like I'm willing to give it to you

but the thing with Jigsaw is that he's a clever man so you might kill him and then it's like now you are implicated you kill him and they come in and they're like here he is Jigsaw stabbing this man with cancer and you're like ahhh that's what he was doing.

Actually, yeah, someone in Saw does kill Jigsaw, and it results in his wife dying. So you could kill Jigsaw, but I feel like it's going to be bad for you. It's going to come back to bite me. Like, you could defeat him. Damn it, Jigsaw. You're going to die.

Oh, you trickster. So I think pretty much everyone so far has defeated whatever they said, but they're not coming out of it in a good time. I defeated the toilet ghouls. Actually, no, no. Toilet ghoul and Cujo, I think we can do. I think we're all right. Yeah.

Everything else. Everything else. Another thing with Cujo I'm a little worried about is, like, you might lose a limb. Yeah, that's true. No, because it's a very big dog. That's fine. I lost my toilets.

I can explain. Yeah, you're fine. You lost your toilet. And he might have had his scrotum nibbled on. Once. Once or twice. And he'd be just like bit into my fake ball. And I was like, wrong nut, motherfucker.

Throw a grenade at the toilet. I would watch that movie religiously. And you just like shoot out of your toilet roof onto the like toilet seat and there's just explosions like

yeah! I win! Wrong nut motherfucker is the best action catchphrase

of all time. Oh boy. Zoe, what could you come on? So I think I could probably take Kathy Bates' character from Misery.

You can have a similar jigsaw thing with... She's very clever. She's very clever, but she's also, like, borderlining psycho, so I think I could probably take her. Did she kidnap you for a novel in the scenario? No, let's pretend that I'm, like... Or is she just, like, a lady shopping? No, let's, like, pretend that I'm the novelist.

I'm fucking taking you. I'm a fucking killer. I hated that movie. Let's pretend I'm the novelist. That's a fucking take a deal. Fucking killer. I hated that movie. Let's pretend I'm the novelist's wife. I'm going back for vengeance. All right.

You've got to drive, then. That's always good. Go for a drive, and I'm pretty sure... It's a reason for not a drive. I can't either.

We're both. And I'm there listening to some fucking ACDC on the way up. I'm like, fuck yeah, motherfucker.

Yeah, you're pumped. You're ready. Yeah, okay. Well, I mean, I guess she's just a woman at the end of the day, but she does have a sledgehammer. Here is the issue, Zoe, for you, as I see it. If you fuck up even slightly, that's a lot of torture. And that's you there for a good while.

Like, even the slightest fuck up, if you slip, if you mess up the smallest thing, she's keeping you. High risk, but high reward. Yeah, because of vengeance. Vengeance is a reward. Reward is a good... Vengeance is a good reward. I feel like, how do you defend yourself against a sledgehammer, though?

Biggest sledgehammer. No, because of your car. You both lift your sledgehammers at the same time, and they just clink in the air a bit. In this situation, I've gone with the purpose to kill her. I'm going with some vengeance. I'm just going to bring a gun

because she's a person. Where are you getting a gun from? We're in Australia. I'll get a gun license. It's fine. That's a rifle then. I'll just scope her out. I do like the application process. That waiting for a couple of weeks. It's vengeance.

It's best served cold. But you guys, you know, if I'm doing it legally, it's going to take a while. But I'm sure I could get some guns on the black market. Yeah, I suppose. Is she anticipating you? I don't think so. Also, she's in America. Okay.

Yeah. Expensive. You're fine. That is an expensive vengeance. Expensive. How are you getting to America? Well, she's the noblest wife. Yeah, I'm. You're fine. That is an expensive engine. Expensive. How are you getting to America? Well, she's the novelist wife. Yeah, I'm assuming I'm already there.

All right. They clearly already have thousands of guns probably in the house. So now that we're doing this, Zoe is no longer beating it. Another character that Zoe is pretending to be. Well, she said she was the wife. Yeah, but. Of the novelist. I was the guy being hassled by a toilet ghoul.

No, you're suspending some disbelief here. Okay, no... Of the novelist. I was the guy being hassled by a toilet ghoul. No, you're suspending some disbelief here. Okay, no, no, okay. That's fair enough. That's fair enough. Zoe, the novelist's wife. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Which means if it was our Zoe here, she would be married to him, which means she would have a green card, which means she'd be easily able to apply and buy a gun. Yeah, okay. That's true.

Fair, fair. Alright, okay. You're just flat out shooting her. You could shoot a woman. I could shoot a woman. Was she legally, so was she ever caught, Kathy Bates? Kathy Bates is still on the loose, I believe.

Wiley. Yeah, yeah. Wiley. No, I'm just wondering if now you're going to jail for killing a woman. Vengeance, regardless, you're going to jail for murder. Yeah, either orance, regardless. You're going to jail for murder.

Yeah, either or. Okay, all right. I'll give you that. She beat her. Success. But also potential prison. Potential prison. 25 to life.

All right. I'll wait for it in America again. Death, potentially. It could be a stalemate again. Depends what state. Depends what state. But I'll give it to you. All right.

What else could you take in a fight? I don't think I'd win. So that's, like, I'm stating that now. I would really like to fight the creatures in the descent. Oh, but Zoe. You would die. I would die. You are so dead.

Like, not even. But I would fight for my life. Like, for whatever reason, I've gone cave hopping. Like, that's a big if. Yeah, that's what it's called. Like, spelunking. Really? Yeah, like, if I'm in a situation where I'm in a cave,

and I'm already petrified because fuck caves, and I run into those creatures, I will fight like a motherfucker. But here's the issue, Zoe. You have gone in unprepared. The only things you have to fight is probably a pickaxe and maybe a little spike shoes. No, that could do some damage this is one i could probably kill if it's like the whole horde of them like in the film i'm fucked but one oh yeah i'd be okay but zoe but

i mean like hey you're a clumsy person and being clumsy in a cave is loud and i'm fairly sure that the monsters work on sound so you'd'd be like, holy shit, monsters. Okay. Rocks, landslide, fucking cave in. Monsters get you. The cave might be a biggest issue at first. And it was also weird because the way you phrased that, it was more like you weren't going caving.

You were like, I'm hunting these motherfuckers down. I also like to imagine that you've just gotten spooked and you've just taken out your guide. You're like, oh, I thought you were a monster. Damn. Now how do I get back up? You get out like, Joey, what happened? Where's the guide? You're like, he got caught by the tunnel monsters.

I killed heaps of them. Okay. Just drenched in blood and I've got the crazy eyes. Yeah, all right. All right, all right. So you're dying there, but all right. Let her try it. I'd fight my little lungs out.

That's cool. So that's one win, one loss. One definite loss. A strange loss, too, because... You knew you were going to lose, didn't you? It's sort of like you were just like, I just want to fight these guys I just think it would be a fun fight

I just think it would be a fun fight So Kathy Bates, tunnel monsters Definitely not I Like it's kind of the same on the Kathy Bates thing Okay Hannibal Lecter Does he know you're coming

Also where is he? Because if he's in prison, bad move. You're dying. No, I'm not giving you Hannibal. You're not giving me Hannibal? He's too clever. I could gain his trust. I could pretend to be a cannibal with Hannibal.

When have you ever seen Hannibal trust anyone? Will Graham did that. No, it didn't work for him FBI agent in Sons of the Lambs thought he, I can't remember her name Jodie Foster Clarice Clarice

but she got brainwashed by him that's what I mean she thinks she's playing him he's just playing her the whole time so you're gonna go in, you're gonna be like, I'm gonna fucking take him out, I'm gonna gain his trust, and then like, four months later you're gonna be having your brain at, and you're gonna be like, aw. Or you could be with Hannibal Lecter in some fancy opera, and you could just be his life

mate. I'm just saying that, maybe I just want to marry Hannibal Lecter in this situation. Well, it's not really a win, and it's not really a lose. I'm not saying, you're either gonna die or he's going to brainwash you as one of his acolytes. So, those are your options. I'm sorry, Zoe, but you are not smarter than Clary Sterling. So you're one from

three. Alright, you've been shitting all over our monsters all night. So what are you going to do, Sean? Yeah, you piece of shit. Okay, you guys went way too... Jack's done the right idea. Small thing. Ashley Williams' possessed hand, Evil Dead 2. I am destroying that hand so easy.

What with? Anything. It's a hand. But you've only got one hand, right? No, no, no. I said Ashley Williams hand. Oh, his hand. Why have I got still two of these bad boys? But I mean, a hand is such a hard thing to grab because it'll grab you back

Also I kind of think No that's good it's holding my hand Also I kind of think his hand is More like stronger than your hand Slash body How do you kill a hand? Burn it Crush it with a large book

Okay It is outsmarted in the film Fuck you tow truck was a good idea Tow truck was genius It is outsmarted in the film. Fuck you, tow truck was a good idea. Tow truck was genius. It's outsmarted in the film with, like, an empty container and a book on top of it. I feel like I've got a fair chance. All right. All right, yeah, look, I mean, it's fucking hard to shit on a hen.

Like, it's an odd villain, because it's not really, like, a major villain. I like that you've just been like, yeah, no babies, like, that's too fucking easy. Oh, yeah, but they got the hands. A severed hand. I didn't say no babies, I said it's not a one-on-one fist fight, because a baby's too easy. If I said Rosemary's baby, I'm dying before I... That's true, it's gonna... The baby is Satan.

Satan you. Okay, okay, I'll give you the hand. I'll give you the hand. Because, bit of a cheat, bit of a cheat. Yeah, not the best answer, but anything give you the hand I'll give you the hand Bit of a cheat Not the best answer, but anything else you want to throw out? Videodrome, TV Is that just a TV? That was a film

It's a film, no one's in except me So you're just going to have to take my word for it Nobody had seen Twilight Ghoul I had Have you? Rock and roll Really? That's pretty good

alright in Videodrome there's alright maybe alright so with Videodrome can you explain Videodrome alright with Videodrome set in 80s version of the future which it's the best version of the future where TV

everyone's just become really desensitized and there's a TV executive looking for this new thing. This is an evil TV station, pretty much. Yeah. That is so... Pretty much gives everyone brain tumors and he ends up with a vagina hole in his chest

that he puts videotapes into. Anyway, very easy to defeat. That's what vaginas are for. Yeah, it's a TV station. So it's an evil TV. But are you taking on the TV network or the TV? Either. He has a discussion with the TV,

the TV network, but it's just too late when he figured that out. He's already got the chest cavity. I feel like you're still getting tumors. I feel like tumors are still kind of unavoidable. If he can avoid rabies, I can then go get an operation. He can't avoid losing his hand, though. Oh, that's true.

So you might be able to avoid dying. But I'm getting a brain tumor. You have to go through that whole process of chemo and radiation. At the very least, you're getting a vagina on your stomach. Actually, yeah, no. He gets that before he gets the... Fuck.

Yeah, yeah. So, I mean, if you want a bunch of tumors, Dusha, go fucking nuts. Fuck. I didn't think that was... Yeah, so, I mean, you still die, but you do take out a TV. Because is it just a TV? So one and a half... Can you unplug it?

Yeah, it's a... Or do you just tip it off? There's nothing... Smash! Take it to the dump? It's a TV network, so really you just need to... Don't try and pirate TV. It's a TV network, so really you just need to don't try and pirate TV. It's a TV network?

Yeah, like it's a station. So are you taking on a TV network? No, it's a station, and then you are dying. I'm very confused. Because there are people who work at a station, Dusha. Is the thing you're fighting an actual physical TV, or is it a TV station run by people? It's a stage...

That goes on wave... No, no, no. Okay. It's another network, but it's a bootleg thing. Like, it's like three people work there. It's not like a whole company. So it's effectively you versus three people now. You versus three people whilst you've got a vagina in your stomach.

And riddled with tumors. No, at this point, not riddled with tumors. But still a vagina stomach. Yes. I could stick their head in there and suff with tumors. But still a vagina stomach. Yes. I could stick their head in there and suffocate them. Are you saying you could take on three people in a fight? Yes. You specifically.

One of them is. I disagree. One of them is a drugged lady and two of them are like hooded giant. I'm fucked. Yeah. Okay. I thought you had that. I thought that was yours, but no.

All right. on the topic okay okay on the topic of David Cronenberg okay the fly Rundlefly

I'm fucking his shit up because after he becomes a fly pretty quickly his teeth start falling out he starts vomiting all the time short course hair everywhere

but in the okay are you fighting the fly or is he just like losing to time? No, because he's turning into- That's a good point. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, because with- he isn't, um, he's not dying, he's becoming a fly. But also, like, a fly's lifespan. No, no, no, he's still- he's still mostly human,

but he's slowly becoming more fly. So you're kind of fighting a sick man. Yeah, but he's still a super strength. Yeah, he's got the strength of a more fly. So you're kind of fighting a sick man. Yeah, but he's still a super strength. Yeah, he's got the strength of a giant fly. And can sort of like stick to roofs and stuff. And he's slimy. Why do you think you could take him out then? Because at the end of the film he gets taken out by a gun and I feel like... I guess Zoe got a

shotgun. Yeah. I feel like it'd be unfair to not give you one too. I'm like going brundle fly hunting. Yeah, Zoe was just fighting a woman. You're going like just a human being and you are going... Yeah, but she had like a desire. Like, has he just like snuck up behind you?

My desire is that he has a machine that I want. Oh, do you want his machine now? Yeah, sure. Why not? That'd be pretty cool. You just make sure that when you're teleporting stuff, it had no humans. No humans. I feel like you'd be tempted.

Well, he puts a cat and a monkey together. That's fucked. Kunky. It is. It's so disturbing. Could you fight the monkey cat? Kunky. Maybe.

No. Yeah, well, Brundlefly beats it by throwing against a wall and it breaks its back, I'm pretty sure. So if that can throw a monkey cat against a wall and break its back, you still think you've got a chance? Yeah, no, it's still like the side. You could throw a cat, Jackson. I could throw a cat.

Yeah, but he wouldn't break its back. No, if you threw it, if you picked a cat up by its tail. Yeah, I know. I'd like throw it. I'm still not saying Jackson would do that. I have literally no muscle. That's true. Just bones and skin. If anything, you would anger the cat.

Jackson loses a leg. Jackson, can defeat toilet ghoul, can't defeat a regular house cat. I suppose you could shotgun the brundle fly to death. Could you punch him? Is his exoskeleton also gross

and shit? No, he doesn't have an exoskeleton when he dies. So as it stands... I've defeated a hand and a sick man. But you've come out on top because all I've defeated is a toilet ghoul. And I got a machine out of it. So you got vengeance, which is pretty satisfying.

I just killed a dog. And got rabies. For a bit. For a bit. Was cured. I feel like once you've had rabies though, you just have fever dreams about it all the time. Waking up in the middle of the night. Cujo! Oh yeah, you'd get PTSD.

Post-traumatic stress disorder? Yeah, fighting a giant fly. No, she had vengeance on the brain You just wanted a machine You went to depth, you didn't know you had Also, you didn't know you were going to fight a fly guy Yeah, you just wanted a machine I've heard this machine get teleported Jesus Christ, what the fuck?

There's the fly! Oh, kill it! Makes you wonder why you brought the shotgun No, well then, I guess I might have seen him In that situation, I wouldn't try and fight him straight away And then I'd go back and be like... Well, I could be... I reckon household objects around a machine that teleports.

There'd be wrenches and stuff like that. I feel like you could kill him. But I'm saying you would be traumatized. You would also be traumatized. By a toilet ghoul? Whatever, I corked him up. Wrong knot, motherfucker. I'm just like, that was the most badass day I ever had.

I have the opposite of PTSD. Trauma, trauma, trauma, great life. I've got something I can brag about. Joel's got something he can brag about. Zoe's got something that she should never tell anyone about. She can brag about in her head. She can brag about to her cellmates. No one believes you, Jackson.

And no one cares. See? You should have, like, grabbed it, put it in a fish tank, and asked that toilet ghoul I killed. I like that Sam is bragging about killing a dog. Yeah, that's not something I'd brag about. Hey, guys, guess what? But Kujo's a giant dog that was, like, traumatizing a town.

Even still, they're like, you killed it, but you also killed a fucking dog, you piece of traumatizing a town even still they're like you killed it but you also killed a fucking dog that's true that's like Atticus Finch being like yeah I killed a dog

with rabies and everyone's like still killed a dog mate yeah well Atticus doesn't brag about it old yellow right the kid's not like

I just killed old yellow I had a great time it's like I killed a dog high five me everyone's just like it's not great so Jackson Bailey

comes out on top, but Dusha kills the most things. Because one of those is a fucking hand. You guys went too big, I went clever. Alright, so we're all coming up on top, sort of. I mean... Yeah, that's a solid point.

Everybody wins, kinda. Dammit loses an arm, I lose a toilet, Zoe goes to prison. You're full of tumours. Happy Halloween. On that note, I've been Joel. I've been Jackson. I've been Zoe.

And I've been Joel. Horror movie villains? Kinda? Okay, fine. They are kinda scary. And where on the blob it creeps and leaps and glides and slides across the floor. Right through the door and all around the wall. If you think this show is worth at least a dollar, why not donate to our Patreon account? Follow the links on our website, sandspantsradio.com.