Plumbing the Death Star - Which Would be the Worst Fictional Pet to Train? with Ruby Innes

Episode Date: May 7, 2023

Ruby Innes has stopped by the studio to look at fictional pets and discuss which one would be the worst to train. Jackson looks at the confusing world of Disney and the problems of owning a dog who is maybe a guy and having a guy friend who is maybe a dog, JD hates his quick rat pet, Ruby makes a compelling case for the world’s worst chef and Zammit plays it safe with a lasagne loving cat. It’s one for the ages as we ruin a Mega Drive while praising no fault divorce as two of the four hosts crack under pressure. You can follow Ruby on her twitter or see what she's written on Kotaku Australia.Buy our terrible merch here and check out the Bad Brain Boys on Apple Podcasts at apple.co/badbrainboys. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Ahem, ahem. You're listening to the Sans Pants Network. Hey everyone and welcome to this week's episode of Plumbing the Death Star. I'm Joel. I'm Jackson. I'm also Joel. And today we are joined by very special guest, Ruby Innes. And I'm also Joel.

Whoa! I was the only one who clapped, what the hell. Three Joels and a loathsome piece of shit. Yeah. Ah. Just one loathsome Jackson. Yeah. Three perfect Joels, one piece of shit. P. Just one loathsome jackass. Yeah. Three perfect jewels, one piece of shit, puddle of piss, fuckheads.

It would be awesome to just leave right now. Hey, guess what? You know what? You can leave. This is your first episode. Welcome. Every episode of a podcast is someone's first ever podcast. They really hate that.

And if you want to leave you can because this podcast only requires three people why are they so mean to the poor chaps then they listen to a couple more episodes

and they're like oh it always reminds me of that tweet I tweeted once where I was like shut up where I was like

I just remembered at the Sandspans Christmas party where I was voted least fuckable member of Sandspans by the rest of Sandspans. And I was like, what the hell? And then Zamit replied, it's because of the terrible things you say and do. And I was like, oh.

I don't think that should count now. I don't know about you. They said it to my face. I really don't. I mean, like. I was at literally the bottom. I would say literally the bottom. Yeah.

It's confusing to me because, like, I don't think I have the heart to say who in Sandspan's radio is the least fuckable. I don't feel that way about any. I wouldn't say it. It's a weird conversation. So, Ruby, what you've done here is you've put in a situation where it sounds like you want to put all of us last. We still win Jackson last. Yeah, I still say it's the bottom of the barrel. No, no, because it's a hard thing where it's like, when you're in a

situation where you both equally don't want to and want to, you know, you're so beautifully neutral. Right? But I would not, I wouldn't define that by someone's words. More like stench, perhaps. Oh, Jackson locks out again. Once again, at the

bottom. And then it turns out that Jackson is the stinkiest stinky man what's today's question? this podcast is the podcast where we ask the important questions like which would be the worst fictional pet to train So I was thinking, straight out the gate, Pluto, the dog man. And I know you're thinking, Pluto's not a dog man, he's a dog.

Raised by a rat. He's raised by a rat and a duck. So there's actually no fucking rules. Is he raised by a rat and a duck. So there's actually no fucking rules. Is he raised by a dog? No. What? Who owns Pluto? Mickey Mouse owns Pluto.

Michael Mouse, yeah. Mikey Mouse. Michael Mouse. Michael Mouse. Michael the rat owns Pluto. And possibly his wife Minnie the rat. I don't know. They're still together.

I don't know if they're married. I don't know what this is. Surely they're married. No, I think what this is. Surely they're married. No, I think you're thinking of Kermit and Miss Piggy. Like Snuffleupagus's parents. Snuffleupagus's parents are divorced. Mickey and Minnie Mouse, I don't think Disney would ever make a divorce.

You know who else is divorced? Knuckles the echidna's parents. That's true. There's a lot of divorce. Many children come from divorce. Yeah, statistically speaking, if you're married, it's going to end in divorce.

Well, like at one point. One way or the other. Well, statistically speaking, if you're married, it's going to end in divorce. Well, like, at one point... One way or the other. Well, at one point, it was, what, it was the US, it was like, finally, no-fault divorce, and then everyone was like, ah, thank God, I'm out of here, finally. And then we have a lot of kids who are like, I come from a broken home, and they're like, well, we've got to have something relatable.

Knuckles. Knuckles. Knuckles the akin. Because Knuckles is the coolest of the three. So you kind of want to give off the impression that you can still be the coolest of your friends and have divorced parents. Do you think any kids will like to be more like Knuckles I need to wish for my parents' divorce? Of course. That's what made Knuckles so cool.

He's a badass. That's the only way to get in charge of the Chaos Emeralds. I like to believe that Knuckles was the reason for his parents' divorce. Much like many children. You know, babe, I love you, but I've been playing this new game. I'm in love with Knuckles. He's just so cool. He's awesome.

His fingers have spikes on them. And you know how our kids are lame, what? I think the best way. I'm getting married to my little CRT TV and leaving this family behind. Yeah, I wish we had Knuckles kids, but instead we've got Tails kids. Babe, I'm going to level with you. I have fucked my Mega Drive. That's where Knuckles lives.

I count that as cheating. We're getting a divorce. I went so deep inside that I could feel Knuckles sucking me off Knuckles sucked me off through my mega dragon it's actually a fault divorce and I'm at fault but it's awesome and I don't regret it

I will say this again in court the judge looking down at the transcript of what's about to happen just looking up at the two of them looking down at the transcript is this real? thumbs up, absolutely about to happen just looking up at the two of them looking down at the transcript Can you settle this? Is this real? Thumbs up, absolutely Have you played Sonic 3 and Knuckles?

He's taken the Mega Drive in The Divorce I don't want it It doesn't work It's full of cum Knuckles is in there Big loads. I have a breeding fetish.

I bred the Mega Drive. Okay, next question. Can a Mega Drive get pregnant? Yeah, well, that's the fear. That's the fear. Because then you've got a half-brother who is half a Mega Drive. Half human. That's so scary.

Well, he's fucked up that he's half the Mega Drive and not half Knuckles. So half Mega Drive, half Knuckles. There's not even... Something else happened in the Mega Drive. That's a separate baby. Anyway. So why is Pluto hard to train? Well, okay, in this situation, I have to also be Mickey Mouse.

Okay. Because it's not Pluto. Well, no, I guess... Actually, you know what? I was going to say Pluto's hot. Pluto, no. Pluto, stop. Pluto, stop.

No. Well, because that's what's scary about Pluto is that Pluto is ostensibly by the rules of the Mickey Mouse universe. He's a guy, right? Is he? He's a guy. Looks like a dog. What would the equivalent be in our universe? Is that like a nude guy crawling on all fours? And I'm like, this is my dog. What would the equivalent be in our universe? Is that like a nude guy crawling on all fours and I'm like, this is my dog?

Well, why is he a guy? Okay, I swear, I think it's in Perth. I think it's in Perth. But somewhere in Australia, there's a guy who dresses up like a dog, like to a point where he kind of looks like a dog from a distance and he like pisses on people. Are you confusing this with the television show Wilford no no no no it's real there's a real guy somewhere in australia who has like a whole suit that was specially made that's awesome to look

like a dog yeah goes out in public and acts like a dog that's dedication that's really cool like it's like you you know those like um what are they called the the leather dog suit oh yeah yeah yeah pups i think yeah like pups it's kind of like that except like he he went like it is i think he spent like thousands on this dog suit to look like an actual dog and he's he's like pissed on people before i think he got arrested nothing motivates people to make money more than wanting to be a dog. Yeah. I agree. You know what I mean? Or just furries. Do you reckon he goes to the vet?

Well, a regular doctor wouldn't know how to deal with that. Yeah, he's got dog problems. The vet would look at him and be like, that's one fucked up dog. There's only one solution. Oh, the problem is he's too antsy. Let's mutilate him. What if you took him to a vet and the vet's like, so there's something wrong with your dog. It's got human insides.

We're going to have to put him down. If you flip this dog over, you see he's got a man's belly. Yeah, there's human bones within your dog. I'm a human dick. If I went to a doctor with fleas, do you think he would send me to the vet? No. Okay, just joking. People do get fleas.

People do get fleas. People do get fleas. There's a person called Flea. Yeah. And he's in a band. I've got flea. Just one. fleas. People do get fleas. There's a person called Flea. Yeah. And he's in a band. I've got Flea. Just one. My dog has Flea, the guy.

Flea's from Melbourne. Whoa, my dog. Which is where we're from. That's true. Well, what I'm thinking about with Pluto is that in the world of Mickey Mouse, right, animals are people. Yep. Okay?

And Pluto is an animal, but he's not a person. He's a dog. Well, are there other animals in the Mickey universe that are also just animals? None that I can bring to mind. There's a cow that's a person. I swear I've seen little birds flying before. Okay, there are little birds flying around. That's, yeah, maybe one.

But otherwise. Does Pluto have a girlfriend that's also a one but otherwise does pluto have a girlfriend that's also a dog am i making this up i don't know i've never seen any other animal within the mickey mouse realm that behaves like an animal like pluto and possibly it's unclear as to the sort of like ancestry of goofy they the man. The man? But is Goofy a dog? Because if Goofy's a dog, that's an extra level of fucked up. We need to find out what Goofy is. Well, what is Goofy and then what are the burglar guys?

What are they? They're called the Beagle Boys. The Beagle Boys. So I guess they're dogs too. So is it some dogs are for guys, some dogs are, well, for guys. So then the equivalent would be if I owned a non-sentient human being. Well, or would it, is it? Or you own that guy from Perth.

Yeah. Goofy walk on two leg. Yes. Pluto walk on four leg. But Pluto can walk on two leg when he holds up a sign to talk. Pluto has had two girlfriends. That's nice. Please tell me they're both dogs.

Yes, both dogs. Regular dogs? Yeah, one of them was a Dachshund and one of them was a Pekingese, I think. Do they look like dogs or do they look like Pluto? They look like dogs. Does Pluto look less like a dog than the dogs he was dating? Yeah. See?

Pluto looks pretty close to goofy. They have similarities to a point where it's like... They have that lump on their head. A pronounced brow ridge. They've got really similar ears. It's weird because with the girlfriend dogs,

they just kind of look like dogs. They look like the lady from Lady and the Tramp. Okay, can I offer a possibility as to what's going on? Goofy got shot with a razor, turned him into a guy. Divergent evolution? Well, yeah, I was going to say maybe Pluto's like a chimpanzee and Goofy's like a human being. But in the world of Mickey Mouse, you can own a chimpanzee and treat it like a dog.

Which you can kind of already do in real life. Certain parts of the world you can own a chimpanzee. And it might take your face. And it's not great. I disagree and I think it's awesome. Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I wish everyone could own a chimpanzee.

A president had a chimpanzee, I think. That's awesome. I'd vote for that president. I've talked to my housemates slash wives about, like, potentially bringing a small monkey into the house. Oh, that's good. And they said, don't do that. And I said, okay.

And that was the end of it. Don't be like the worst friend, Ross. Yeah. That's true. Ross has ruined this for me. Yeah, Ross ruins everything. Ross has a monkey he doesn't even need Yeah I need it

Which is the difference I need a little guy who I can dress in matching outfits With me I think what scares me about having a little helper monkey Is that episode of Malcolm in the Middle Where the mum's friend I forget the mum and the friend's name Lois is the friend

From wherever she works gets a helper monkey, but it keeps poisoning him. That guy? Yeah, that guy. He's always... He's a slime ball. He's always... Is he trying to fuck Lois?

Yeah, of course he is. But he gets a helper monkey, and there's a scene where the helper monkey is just, like, tipping rat poison into his smoothie. And I was like, that will happen to me, so I'm never getting a helper monkey especially because step one of you getting a helper monkey is teaching it to smoke cigarettes

and poison me the thing is I feel like with a little monkey like no matter what you do even if you treated it so nice I feel like it would always hate you like no matter what because like you took it away I took it hey helper monkey take it off of me I took it. Hey, helper monkey, thanks for helping me.

I took you from your family. Remember the jungle? You ain't going back. You live in my garage now. You're smoking cigarettes. Well, I mean, that shouldn't be too bad for you because you could be like, don't worry, helper monkey, I too lived in a garage for years.

It's good. By choice. Yeah, it was awesome living in the garage. I miss it. What was your favorite part about living in a garage? A real thing that happened just in case there are new listeners. I don't know. I liked it.

It was a window above my head and the sun came in in the morning. That's kind of nice. Yeah, it was pretty lovely. Was there a car there too? No, no car. No car. Okay, well, that's good. Redback nest.

There's a lot of redbacks. Redbacks. Okay. Just in case any listeners aren't familiar with redbacks, they're a type of spider, and I think they're in the top ten. They're like the worst ones. Top three. Yeah, top three most places.

Top three, top two. Yeah. Did I die? No. So he's fine. What's the worst one? Fuddlewhip? Fuddlewhip, yeah.

Fuddlewhip's pretty bad. There's probably some of them in there, too. No, no. They're from New South Wales. Oh, that's true. They come out of the ground and run after you or whatever. Yeah. Yeah, and they've got human legs.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And they're gone! So Pluto, be careful. They bite you in the shoes. So why is, say, if Pluto is just a guy, wouldn't that be then easy to train? Because then you'd be like, hey, Pluto, I know you're putting it on because of your weird dog fetish

or whatever. Please stop shitting on the floor. Pick up after yourself. Well, I guess it's... Also, he can communicate with a sign, right? Yeah, he can communicate with a sign. How is that hard, then? Well, I guess what I'm concerned about is what's happening.

But he's being domesticated. Emotionally, it's hard on me to be like, what has this person decided to do to themselves? Or I'm raising a chimpanzee equivalent, like a dog chimp, to Pluto's dog man yeah i mean goofy's dog man can communicate but and it's better than if a chimpanzee can communicate because it's not just sign language sign right yeah but a chimpanzee can communicate with sign language yeah yeah that chimp wanted to fuck robin williams or whatever yeah that's right but

coco i think but the gorilla yeah. But it's different, right? Well, Pluto is more alive than... More sapient than Coco the gorilla. Yeah, because he's using English. Yeah. He's learned how to write. Well, I guess what's difficult about this is I don't want to be in this relationship. Does he use grammar as well?

Yeah, he does. Proper grammar. He says he falls off a cliff and he holds up a sign that's like oh fuck oh no fuck this shit yeah yeah so what's what's difficult is that i don't want to have to raise a man isn't that just having a baby no it's having an adult man who's like i'm your dog i don't want that It's having a baby. No, it's having an adult man who's like, I'm your dog. I don't want that.

How is it hard? It's hard on me. It's hard on my emotional state. But you're the one that bought it. You're Mickey Mouse and you were fine with it. Yeah, you bought it, right? You went down to the pound. Well, I regret my purchase. You went down to the pound.

Okay, so, okay. In this world, we're animals and guys. You've gone down to the pound. But not all animals are pound. But not all animals are guys. But not all animals. Some birds aren't. Yeah. Some birds fly. And those two dogs that your dog wants to fuck. That's true.

Dino and Beefy. Great dog names. So you've gone to a pound. Yeah. And at that point, you're like, I know this is fucked up, but I want that one. I want that man dog. I think the first issue was a rat going to the pound. I think it's a rat. A rat shouldn't own a dog, you know?

Hi, I'm Mickey the Rat. I'd love to purchase this dog. I mean, like, if I were out on the street and I saw, like, a rat sitting atop a dog and kind of riding it, like a ratatouille-like thing, my first thought wouldn't be, that's just like Mickey and Pluto. My first thought would be, I don't want to get bit. I think I would be thinking, that's got to be King of the Rats.

It's a well-trained dog and all rats. I think if I saw that, I would assume I have died and woken up in hell. Oh, damn. I think, but there's an extra layer as well because I'm friends with Goofy who is a dog and I own a dog.

It makes it awkward when Goofy comes around. Although Goofy doesn't seem to mind, really, does he? He never brings up Pluto. Which part is hard? I don't want to raise a dog, man. But it's a dog. Yeah, but it's a man.

No, it's a dog. How is it hard? It's hard on me psychologically. Goofy is a dog, man. Pluto is a dog. If anything, Goofy would be the hard one to train. Yeah, well, he's a man. He's a man.

That would be easy to train Goofy. He's a guy. He's a man. That would be easy to say. He's a guy. He's a father. Yeah. I just, I don't, yes, he is, I guess there's some weird things if you're like, well, I like my friend who is a bit of a dog, so I'm going to own a dog. But that's not on Pluto. That's on you. The thing is you started this argument by saying that you're Mickey Mouse,

you're Michael Mouse, and Michael Mouse is okay with it. Okay, yeah. So if you're Mickle Mouse, what does that mean? If I'm Mickey Mouse. You don't ask that like it's a fucking question. You posted it to start. You started this. I'm Mickey Mouse.

You're Mickey Mouse. Why doesn't anyone want to fuck me? You started with, for this I have to be Mickey Mouse. Which hasn't come into play yet, by the way. If anything, you've been like, I'm a guy and my dog's a guy. So how is that relevant? Well, I just needed to live in the world of Mickey Mouse. But now you're living in the real world,

but you put yourself in Michael Mouse's shoes. You were like, it's a chimpanzee. Well, I was just sort of, that's like the real world, but you put yourself in Michael Mouse's shoes. You were like, it's a chimpanzee. That's like the real world equivalent. Okay. Owning a chimpanzee. Oh, right. I think you said being Michelangelo Mouse is the real life equivalent.

Once again. Am I Mickey Mouse? Is it? Do you need to be? Well, I need to be Mickey Mouse to know Goofy. Because if I'm me in Mickey Mouse? Is it? Do you need to be? Well, I need to be Mickey Mouse to know Goofy. Because if I'm me in Mickey Mouse's world owning Pluto, that's a whole other issue. Okay, what's the issue there then? Because I'm a human being. Possibly the only human being.

But I guess I could be like how Mickey Mouse is a rat man. I'd just be like an ape man. You in the Disney world? Yeah, me in Mickey Mouse's world. I think you'd just be like an ape man. You in the Disney world? Yeah, me in Mickey Mouse's world. I think you'd just be a guy. Are there guys? Yeah, because there's like Disney movies where there's guys in them. That's true.

There is plenty of these guys. I guess in Mickey Mouse's house of mouse, he hosts a nightclub that guys come to. Yeah, you'd just be a guy. Is there any guy in Fantasia? There's a devil. There's like a wizard, huh? That's Mickey Mouse. He's got a hat.

I understand how it's confusing. He is wearing clothes. Is that a guy? Oh wait, it's a rat. In the Mickey Mouse Club, there's Christina Aguilera. She's a guy.

She's real. There's also Ryan Gosling. I'm going to seek them out and be like, we've got to get out of Mickey Mouse. He's probably met Michael Mouse. Yeah, but I am Michael Mouse. So as Michael Mouse, how do you feel about the fact that you actively adopted Pluto, the dog? Well, I guess if I'm Mickey Mouse, it's not a problem. Okay.

So it's not hard at all. It's fine. It's normal. Okay, pass. It's normal. Pass. In Kingdom Hearts, where Mickey does meet guys. Okay.

Oh, yeah. Sora. Yeah. But the guys. Yeah. He's fine. He's not freaking guys. Okay. Oh, yeah. Sora. Yeah, you know Sora? But the guys, he's fine. He's not freaking out. Okay. I just thought that people would be scared. I'm just wondering when is it, if you're hairless,

how is it hot? I passed. I passed. He gave up. All right. So I think the hardest pet to raise would be Sonic the Hedgehog. Another rat. Quick.

A bad attitude. Yeah. Very quick. Yeah, yeah. Who does he belong to? Me. Well, according to the Sonic Bible, it was Dr. Eggman that was like a father to him. Oh, okay.

At children pets? Because the thing is, is Sonic the Hedgehog, him and his family actually lived in the dumpster of a burger joint. Nice. And would live off of burgers and stuff from the trash. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's why he loves chili balls. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's why he likes chili dogs. Yeah, yeah. Little trash rat.

All right. Good stuff, good stuff. And then I think he got adopted by Dr. Eggman at one point. But in this situation, JD, you find him in the dump and you're like, this is my pet now? Yeah. I'm like, oh, sweet. A rat. I'll raise it.

I've always wanted to have a blue rat. But also, like, what I find really interesting is in Sonic Adventure 2 Battle, Sonic hated the cops, and I would say that that version of Sonic would be the hardest rat to train. But in Sonic the Hedgehog the movie, he was fine with being friends with a cop. Yeah, that's true.

So I would say that that rat is very easy to train. Yeah, but that rat in Sonic the Hedgehog, because Sonic in Shadow the Hedgehog works for Gunn, and Gunn are basically Sonic the Hedgehog because Sonic in Shadow the Hedgehog works for Gun and Gun are basically Sonic the Hedgehog cops okay do you have bootlicking cop lover Sonic the Hedgehog or ACAB Sonic the Hedgehog I mean bootlicker Sonic

is basically James Marsden's pet so I'm happy to just go with that Sonic who is still really fucking hard to raise because he's quick. Let's talk about his back. He's a child. Yeah.

So why is he hard to train if he's quick? Can we just, like, I don't know, put him in a cage? Stop being quick. Well, he can also do spin stuff. So, like, it's spin out of the cage. Yeah. It's spin dash out of the cage.

You can be like, okay, because you've got a cat or a dog. You can do a little twirl. It does a little twirl. No, it's not a little twirl. It's a spin dash. The thing is be like, okay, because you've got a cat or a dog. You can do a little twirl. It does a little twirl. It's not a little twirl. It's a spin dash. The thing is like he's also sentient. So he's kind of like a child.

So it would kind of be like putting a child in a cage. And then also. What is a crib? A bed? A jail for babies. Nobody's talking about this. What is a little playpen? Is that not just a baby jail?

Tommy Pickles always trying to break out, dude. And he succeeds, actually. Tommy Pickles, that was one ugly baby. Why was he bald in his friend's one? Well, Chucky was a little older. And Phil is no older. Chucky's way older. He's like a toddler.

What? Yeah, but he defers to Tommy Pickles. Chucky's like almost two,'s like a toddler. What? Yeah, but he's just, he defers to Tommy Pickles. Chucky's like, almost like a two, two and a half or something like that. Yeah, yeah. Angelica's like four. Yeah.

Tommy's a baby. Yeah. And then Phil and Lil are like Tommy's age. Yeah. And twins. And then there's also Tommy's younger brother

who comes. Dill. Dill. Dill Pickle. Very good joke. Yeah. They had that one up their sleeve until Rugrats the movie

or whatever which was so and they went into the jungle and Tommy like goes to like put like the baby

food onto Dill and he's crying and it was really sad yeah I remember seeing that as a child and getting very very upset

did you see Rugrats in Paris where Chucky doesn't have a mum to dance with that made me so sad. I had that game. I had that as a game on Game Boy Advance.

I hope they got those kids back from Paris. They were in Paris on purpose. Oh, that's actually my favorite Kanye West song, Rugrats in Paris. They'll be back. So, with Sonic, because he's got such a bad... Yeah, talk me through this bad attitude. I'll be back So With Sonic Cause like He's got such a bad Like think about Talk me through this bad attitude

Okay think about Anytime you've Got all the cum out of your Mega drive Oh yeah And then you put your Sonic Put Sonic the Hedgehog 2 in

You turn it on And he's just standing there Waggling his finger at you Yeah that's right What did I do wrong? I'm playing your fucking game. But doesn't he save the world several times over? Yeah, but that's him by his own volition.

That's not him being a good pet. Yeah. Well, what do you want out of Sonic? But it's like when a dog saves a child from drowning. Yeah, it doesn't mean the dog was necessarily easy to raise. It just means it did the right thing. But then also there's that awesome story about the dog that saved a kid once. Yeah, that's right.

A dog saved a kid from a river or whatever. And then got a big treat and made a big deal of it. So it started pushing kids into the river to save them. I saw that. What a king. That's a smart dog. That's a smart dog. That would be an easy dog to raise.

Why didn't you fall in a river as a boy? To raise or train? We were talking about this. Raise or train. That's true. I can't you fall in a room as a boy? Uh, whoa. We were talking about this. Raise or train? That's true. I can't remember what I said at the start of the episode. Hey, listeners, look at the question. You said train. Sonic's hard to train.

He'll just be like, waggle his finger and run away. He's a rebel. He's a bit of a rebel's heart. A loner dotty, a rebel. That's a good reference for everyone out there. Peewee's Big Adventure, everyone. Hey, hey, hey, it's an 80s movie. Doesn't he have incentives, right? Chili dogs? Rings?

Chaos Emeralds? If you can get the Chaos Emeralds from defeating that Eggman? If I give him the Chaos Emeralds and all of a sudden I'm... Oh, he's friends? There's a lot of incentives. Become Dr. Eggman it's so funny that to train your rat you need to collect the

seven chaos emeralds imagine they were like to train your dog you're gonna have to travel to every continent on earth but I give him the chaos emeralds and he becomes supersonic and just flies away you go to proud jeweler and you're like I need to buy

a bunch of gems to train my dog. My rat loves emeralds. Sir, I'm going to ask you to leave. No, no, no, I'll buy them. I'll buy them. I need to shove the emeralds into my rat and then the rat's going to turn into a super rat.

Yeah, he's going to be my rat at the moment. And at that point, he's calling the police. I've got a man who wants to kill a rat with gems. That's not a police issue. That's a you problem. Yeah, like exterminator. Rats are a problem.

It was my pet rat. It shouldn't be that expensive to train a rat, really. To buy so many emeralds. I'm trying to think. When you say, okay, it's hard to train a rat, really You know, to buy so many emeralds I'm trying to think, when you say It's hard to train him to do What do you want to train this rat to do? Well, I know that he is sentient

And basically like a boy So I would just like him to behave Can you not just be like, Sonic, behave No, because then he runs away Why not? I mean, why? If he can run away and anytime someone's yelling at you You don't run away But also if's yelling at you, you're not running away. Well, don't yell at Sonic!

Yeah, but also if he runs away, what's the problem? Then I can't train him anymore. I lost my pet. Yeah, but you're like, I want him to behave because he's causing an issue, right? And then it removes itself from the situation. Well, he's no longer your problem. Okay, Sonic pisses on the floor. I'm like, Sonic, don't piss on the floor. And then he runs away.

I think this is your fault. How is this my fault? I think if you'd raised Sonic with a modicum of kindness, he wouldn't be pissing on the floor. Also, like, you could- I mean, like, that's what animals do, right? They just piss on the floor. So, like, I think if it's, like, a dog- He's also spiky.

Yeah. Bad to touch. Yeah, okay. Which doesn't have anything to do with train running. I think I just hate my pet now. Yeah, but it's like with a dog, right? You put a bunch of newspaper around, and you slowly let it piss on the newspaper, and then you take away the newspaper and slowly mimic that surface area, that square.

You know, small and small, so it's only pissing on one thing, right? And that's the same thing. So it's like, yeah, that's how you train a dog. And you can't talk to it, whereas you're like hey buddy there's a toilet go on that you could just potty train so you could which is weird but it's like training a boy like it's just like a boy you gotta put a diaper on him dude you could put a diaper on him says in sonic adventure sonic the hedgehog 2 yeah that like he's just a kid yeah so if he's a kid you actually don't have

to potty train yeah he comes if you get Sonic and then Sonic pisses on the floor you've done something wrong

I think Sonic can't use a toilet also he's he loved Chili Dog yeah that you can and I also saw a graphic once

that said Sonic says always pee after sex which tells me that Sonic does not only does have sex, but pees after it. He practices really

good sexual hygiene. I don't know if I want my pet fucking. You know what, Sonic? That's how puppies are made. I know, but I'm nootin' Sonic. Puppies come from dog cum, and that's important for everyone to remember. Don't forget! Don't forget! When you're looking at your sweet

little dog, that came out of a dog's dick. You know the Sonic wagging his finger little dog, that came out of a dog's dick. You need to know there's Sonic wagging his finger and then puppies come from dogs underneath. I just don't think... Too fast. He's just gonna be a hassle. And like anytime I try and train him or I'm like, hey let's go for a walk or something, he just fucks off. What do you want him to do? What do you want Sonic to do?

Look at just, like, any general pet activity. Okay, give me one. Yeah. Sitting on the couch, sleeping on my belly while I play on my Steam Deck. Yeah. All right, that's an oddly specific example that I can't relate to because I don't have a Steam Deck. Nor do I want one. Oh, yeah, me neither.

That's nice. Yeah. I'd want one if I could get one. So that's a classic thing that my cat loves to do. Yeah. And I love it when it doesn't. Yeah. But okay.

So that's a cat. Just give me something you want Sonic the Hedgehog to do. Go to the park and play with the other dogs. Okay. Okay. Well, let's role play it. I'll be Sonic the Hedgehog. Hey, Sonic, let's go to the park.

Okay. We're going to go to the- Sounds awesome. We'll go to the dog park. You can hang out with some other it. I'll be Sonic the Hedgehog. Hey, Sonic, let's go to the park. Okay. Sounds awesome. We'll go to the dog park. You can hang out with some other pets. I can't relate to dogs. Who can you relate to? I can relate to children. I'm technically, like, you know, 10 years old.

I just happen to be a bipedal hedgehog. Where's Tails? I don't know where Tails is. I've never met my friend does anybody else find it weird that like all of the the character you've got sonic the hedgehog yeah and and amy the hedge i think she's amy rose amy rose and and knuckles the echidna and rouge the bat but tails is the only one that's not actually called by his name because his name is Miles.

Yeah, he's got a nickname. Miles Prower. But, like, why is he called Tails? It's just a fun nickname. Because he's got two tails. Yeah. I would argue that that's bullying, actually, because they're calling him a name based on a physical feature.

Yeah, it's like calling, you know, like a big guy, tiny kind of thing. Because, like, you could say the same for Knuckles, but Knuckles doesn't have another name. His name is Knuckles. His first name is Knuckles, which is a badass name. They've gone out of their way to point out a feature of

Miles. I'm going to call him Miles because I respect him. I'm taking a stand. And they're pointing out a feature of his that is unlike Fox's. Yeah. But maybe he's proud of it. Yeah.

His two tails do. It's what makes him different. He doesn't seem. Yeah, he doesn't seem proud. He doesn't seem proud. He's cowardly. Then makes my pet a bully. Okay.

So therefore, I'm going to try to watch. Where's that piece of shit Miles Prowler? I mean, tails. Yeah. I just, so what? Are you going to muzzle him? Like, what are you doing? I don't want to play with dogs.

I'm not a dog. If you're a, yeah, well. What are you? I'm a hedgehog! Well, do you want to go play with the other hedgehogs? Well, I'm very clearly different to your earth hedgehogs. Well, that's what I mean. Who do you want to play with?

I guess children my own age. Enroll me in a school. Yeah. Could you just? You want to go to school? Yeah! Sonic the Hedgehog wants to go to school. I'm isolated otherwise. You don't know

what Miles is. I want to learn! You could play with, like, Sonic. I want to get a job! I want to go into finance! Teach your Sonic boy finance! You could also argue that Sonic

relates to other humans, but also builds relationships with other humans because he kissed a human woman. I want to kiss a human woman! Again! Again! I want to kiss another human woman! You kissed a princess once. Yeah, and I want it again! I got a taste for it!

I hate my pet. Yeah, you've fallen into the Jackson problem once again. Yeah, you're the problem. It's not hard to train Sonic. If you had a dog that wanted to kiss a human woman. So, Brian Griffin. Well, can it talk? Is it sapient?

Yes. Yeah, okay. So, it's clearly not a dog. It's something else. Is it sapient? Yes. Yeah, okay. So it's clearly not a dog. You're in a different situation. Once again, it's speaking English to me. It knows English. Sometimes if you love something, it's best to let it go. Goodbye, Sonic.

You're free now. He's off to kiss human wounds. Good luck and God bless Sonic the Hedgehog. It just didn't seem hard to train. Pass, dude. All right, pass. You can get out of it with a pass. You're right.

Pass feels good. Oh, it feels good to just. Yeah, we'd hate to get the answer wrong. Pass. Pass. Pass. You want to take this? Okay, I can go.

You've got to beat two passes. I would argue that I'm being very specific here. I would argue that Linguini, the human man from Ratatouille, is a pet and is hard to train specifically in cooking because he himself cannot cook. Instead, he is controlled the entire time by the rat. That's true. He can't actually cook it is remy who can cook and remy controls him through pulling his hair so i would argue that uh linguine would be hard to train in cooking because he has never really cooked well in his

entire life and rather has just been controlled by a rat and it doesn't seem like he picked anything up from ratatouille ratatouille-ing his brain, does it? Yeah, at the end of the film, what is Linguini doing? He is roller skating around the restaurant and serving food on roller skates. So he's just waiting. He's not making food. He's the busboy.

He did not learn a thing. So he didn't learn. Even though anyone can be a chef, as said by his dad. No, not anyone can be a chef. A good by his dad. Not anyone can be a chef. A good chef can come from anywhere. It could be a rat. Gustavo? Yeah, Gustavo.

Gustavo being Linguini's dad. Is that right? Possibly, who maybe also had a rat in his head. Yes, it was his dad. So it's kind of like anyone could be a chef or whatever. A chef can come from anywhere. A chef can come from anywhere. A chef could even be a rat.

A chef can come from anywhere. Anyone can cook, but not everyone can cook good. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So it's like, yes, the rat can cook, but my boy can't? Yeah. He didn't get the cooking trick. Yeah, okay. The cooking gene was lost.

What do you mean by that, Ruby? What do you mean by the cooking trick? What's the cooking trick? He didn't get it. Yeah. Okay, I've got a pot of boiling water. I've got pasta in one hand. Now where's the trick?

For my next trick, I want to cook this meal. If you were the Ratatouille, so you would put the pasta into the water, right? Ta-da!

If you were Linguini, you would say, where's the rat to help me do this? Oh, that is the good thing. Okay, so here's my question with Linguini, right? How long, I don't know if we have the stats on this, how long does Ratatouille, Ratatouille's brain to cook? Like, how long is he doing that?

I think it's like a year or something, right? So in a year. Well, he is watching Ratatouille, Ratatouille's brain to cook? Like, what's he, how long is he doing that? I think it's like a year or something. So in a year. Well, he is watching Ratatouille. It's not like he's asleep. Well, it's yeah, yeah, yeah. Sometimes he's doing that. Well, yeah, sometimes. But most of the time, he's doing the hand movements.

He's cooking. Yeah. Right? Even though he's not controlling himself, he's cooking and he doesn't pick up shit. Because that's what got me. Like, at the end of the movie, I was expecting Linguini to at least be, like, a second in charge, like, helping out in the kitchen. He is just a busboy. Has he?

He did not learn. He learned nothing. Has he gotten worse? I would argue he's gotten worse. To the start of the film, he is working in a kitchen, right? Well, yeah, but crazily, at the start of the film, he makes a soup out of just regular kitchen ingredients. Yeah. So bad, people want to throw up.

How do you do that out of, like, garlic? Yeah, it's not like he was, like, pissing in it. Like, he wasn't pissing and spitting in it. That would be very funny. And then he got upstaged by a rat. Well, that rat could cook. And that rat could cook. Well, yeah.

That's a good point. So, okay, so he can make a bad soup At the start of the film He can roll escape I would argue that the entire film Proves that not only Is he hard to train In the act of cooking He is impossible to train

Because he couldn't even learn from a rat And also doesn't his hot girlfriend Try and train him His hot girlfriend is an incredible cook. She's an incredible cook. She tries to train Linguini to cook, and he still doesn't do it. The rat in his brain does all of the cooking for him. That's the thing.

She shows him. It's quite an intimate thing. But the rat's there the whole time. The rat's third-wheeling their relationship. Sounds like Linguini's third-wheeling in the rat's ear. So that seems, like, obviously horny for Linguini's third wheel in the race. Yeah. So that seems like obviously horny for Linguini. Yeah. Okay, wait.

Does it make it worse? Because he, like... Yes? I don't think I could be horny if I knew there was a rat on my head. Well, you're friends with the rat. Well, that's the thing. So the rat controls him by pulling his hair. So does the hat stay on during sex?

Yeah, I was going to say, yeah. If you've just given to ego death, and I'm no longer me, I'm just a meat puppet. I'm a rat's puppet. Yeah, I'm a rat's puppet. It's fine. Maybe the rat will fuck her better than I can cook. So who cares?

Or maybe Ligwini's just awesome at eating ass or whatever. And Ratatouille's like, do you need a hand? And he's like, brother, I got this. Keep the rat on the bedside table. Hot straights off tonight, brother. But like if you spent a good amount of time in like a five-star kitchen, I think at the start it's three stars or something like that, but like a very high-class kitchen being controlled entirely by a rat

and you decided to venture out of being controlled by a rat to have sex with your hot girlfriend, do you think you'd lay in bed after it happened and just think, would I have done better if the rat was controlling me? Of course. It would be on my mind. But I think some element I would be like, would the rat fuck my wife like a rat fucks another rat?

How does a rat fuck another rat, Jackson? And regular rat doesn't cook like a human cooks. Yeah, that's the thing. He controls linguine like a human cooking food. Yeah, he doesn't cook like a rat cooks, I guess. But a rat doesn't cook. Let that rat cook. Am I right?

Hold up. Hold up. Let the rat cook. But if the rat fucks my girlfriend better than I could fuck my girlfriend, but using me, is that a problem? For her, possibly. I'm wearing a hat, shush! Because she falls in love with, not Remi,

with Linguini. She's like, through cooking and everything, that's a very romantic moment. His cooking ability. But he can't, he can't cook for shit. And at the end, she's kind of disgusted, but she's like, I don't really think, it's weak, she doesn't exactly go, so you can't. He can't cook for shit. And at the end, she's kind of disgusted, but she's like, I don't really think... It's weak.

She doesn't exactly go, so you can't cook? Yeah. Yeah, yeah. It's a whole relationship, but basically the foundations are duplicitous. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Absolutely. So it's kind of like, look, in for a pen, in for a pen. Let the rat control my life.

I don't know how a human being would react to, babe, I have a secret to tell you. A rat fucked you with my dick last night. Wait, so the rat fucked me? No. I did, but my kind of thrusting technique, I'm getting from a certain part of my hair being pulled. If you think of the rat as a marital aid. Yeah. Wait, consider this.

So like, you know, sometimes during sex, there is a bit of tussling, a bit of turning, a bit of hair pulling. So do you think Linguini, if he's having sex and, or hey, going down on a woman and the woman pulls his hair, he just like kicks? Yeah. That's where you have to have a rule with my head. Where he just like makes a salad on the side. Stirring a soup. Stirring that pussy up. Fuck, I got confused.

Oh, I'll let him cook. But yeah, I guess, yeah, he's not really being trained by Remy to cook. Because it's kind of like, I understand like, yes, there are many different ways to learn a train. It's like, you know, you learn by doing, you learn by seeing, you learn by all this kind of stuff. And it is, um, well, he is doing it in a weird way because, you know, he's still actually like going

through the motions and he still doesn't pick it up. He doesn't do it. And he's watching it as well. Yeah. To train him you need to get on his head and pull his hair. That's annoying for a pet. But that's not even training. They're just controlling him. That would be like...

I guess it's his leash. That would be like getting a cat, for example, holding it up and then making it walk on its back legs and then saying, my cat can't walk on its back legs. But then is it like doing that and then getting pissed off that the cat doesn't walk on your legs when you're not? Is that a little unfair to ladies? It sounds more like Remy's bit more like a helicopter parent.

It's cool to pick up a cat and make it walk on two legs. It's so funny to do that. Drop the cat and be like, now you do it. You idiot! My cat sucks. But at the same time, the girlfriend did cooking stuff with him.

That is true. And he didn't pick it up. Yeah, it never. He's a busboy. But is that because Remy took over? When he was like, he didn't learn because Remy didn't talk him through it. Remy just did it for him. When they opened up the rat restaurant at the end. Don't say anything.

But the restaurant with the rat as a sign is run by a rat. Do you think Linguini was like, all right, let's do this, brother. And Remy's like, no. You will not cook. I will not let that boy cook, actually. Bus boy, little bitch bus boy you are. Well, I believe, so Jackson, you've got a very favorite quote

of yours, which I believe was by Paris Hilton. She says that if you don't ever want to do anything again, do it badly the first time. Basically weaponizing incompetence. Could Linguini be just like, well, I wanted to cook. The first thing I did, I poisoned a lot of people. Yeah, he did have a dream of cooking.

And maybe this is the path of least resistance, right? Yeah. I can just sit back, let a rat control me, and be like, oh, no, I can't cut a knife on a shitloads of flour. No. I can be a busboy. Yeah. I can wear my sweet roller skates, fuck around,

and be a co-owner of this restaurant. Yeah, he's raking in the dollar. They're also actually raking more than that because what's Remy going to spend money on? He's a rat. He's a fucking rat. Yeah, that's true. He's got my rat pants. Well, the thing is, going back on what, like, good point.

Yeah. Going back on what you said just now about Linguini having a dream to cook, wrong. The only reason Linguini went to that restaurant to get a job was because his mother, who was then dead, gave him a special letter and was like, you can get a job at this restaurant.

And Linguini was a dropkick. Yeah, he gets a job doing the bins or whatever. But then, when he's in the restaurant, he sees the soup boiling and he's like maybe i'll give it a whack maybe i'll give it a try he tried to make that no it's because he saw the rat dropping stuff in it and he's like oh brother i'm gonna fix this rat soup yeah this soup's gonna taste like rat which is bad apparently that soup might be good i don't know we don't know what rats taste

like i'm honestly shocked you don't know what a rat tastes like. I've never had the opportunity. When are you cooking up a rat? Yeah. When am I going to a restaurant that's serving rats? I don't know, dude. I would love to eat a guinea pig, though, like they do in parts of South America. I think that would be amazing. Looks so delicious.

Looks like it'd be such good meat. See? See what I mean? I went to primary school with a guy who loved guinea pigs. I think he had one or two, but he was obsessed with guinea pigs, really, really liked them. And then another person in our class showed him a picture of a cooked guinea pig, and he got so upset. Oh, fair enough. He was messed up.

He was really scary. He was scared of that poor boy. If I had guinea pigs as a kid, I'd still eat one. One of my guinea pigs. See what you mean, JP? See what you mean? See, I'm not... Yeah, you're not wrong. Everyone was like, oh, whatever, makes sense.

Least fuckable. I get it. I don't think that makes someone less fuckable. I know, I get it. When you said it's because of the things you say and do, I was like, oh, yeah. You're about to have sex with someone and they whisper I would love to eat a guinea pig. That'd be funny, honestly. I'd be like, go off, king.

Live your truth. I was like, it would taste like really good chicken. I've fucked people who have said, moin. My standards are, it's not that they're low, it's just that they're strange. It's like... Well, yeah, my sexual exploits, unfortunately, always involve a podcaster, which is very unfortunate. Oh, that's grim.

Because it's me. I'm the podcaster. Yeah. So you looked at Jackson, and I was like, oh, is it because he's there? Every time? Jackson! Why are you always in the room?

Oh, sorry. You're ruining this for me. I got lost on the way to my house. We don't live close. Intentionally. To stop this. I'm so sorry, dude. Well, then go.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You're sitting down. I've made it time. Why are you making a cup of tea? Because I brought the kettle in. Why is there a kettle in my bedroom? I'm sorry. I'll go get you a cup of tea? Because I brought the kettle. Why is there a kettle in my bedroom? I'm sorry.

I'll go get you a cup. Fuck. And the girl is there just like, uh. I'll bring two cups. I'm so sorry. I didn't even see you there. I just thought Joel was doing something weird. I thought he was fucking his bed or whatever.

I'm so sorry. Why does this keep happening? I don't know, dude. You're hard to say. All right. Good choice. In conclusion, I'm so sorry. Why does this keep happening? I don't know, dude. You're hard to say. All right. Good choice. In conclusion, I'm right. Yeah, in conclusion, yeah.

Well, well done. You've definitely beaten both passes. Yeah, that was the first non-pass of the episode. Yeah, yeah, brave. You had to bring us home. Presumably an excellent answer from our good friend Joel Zammett. I'm going to put forward Garfield. Oh, hates Mondays.

Hates Mondays. Love lasagna, lazy as shit. Hates a dog. Yeah, hates a dog. And hates normal. Yeah, hates normal. Thinks it's funny when you drink dog cum? That was incidental. He thinks it's funny, but he had nothing to do with it.

Yeah, I don't think he did that, yeah. Well, I don't think he can, because it would be cat cum. Also, I've got to assume, David, if you're raising Garfield, you're not giving him lasagna because you shouldn't give a cat lasagna. That's true. Are you imagining that you're John? Are you Mickey Mouse? If I say I am John, do I have to drink the dog cum?

Because that is a lot of... It's implied that you've already done that. Dog cum is in your pocket. Not John in the slightest. So John has died and left Garfield to you. He choked to death on dog cum. He got a taste of it.

Well, that's the thing. He got pregnant from drinking the dog cum. But because, like, the thing is it's a whole cup of dog cum. So that's a lot of dogs. So he actually, what happened was he got pregnant with so many puppies and then exploded. But all those puppies lived.

And isn't that beautiful? All 101 Dalmatians. What does Sonic famously say about dog cum, dude? That's how you get puppies. Oh, yeah. That's true. That's Sonic's famous quote About dog cum And puppies

Sonic says You can't have puppies Without dog cum You can't have puppies Without dog cum Yeah Okay so Garfield Lazy Garfield Lazy

First up is a cat Cat hard to train Yeah I'm already starting Base hard Yeah Apparently you can train cats Apparently there are things

That you can do My friend can make her cat sit Whoa And give paw And speak What is it How does it sound When she says speak Oh that's cute sit and give paw and speak. How does it sound when she says speak? Me. Oh, that's cute. Hello.

Hi! It's me, your cat! I am your cat! I love lasagna! I hate Monday! My cat sounds like Bobcat Goldway. I am your cat How you doing? I raised my cat on nothing but Bobcat Goldwain

So I can see things Cat, speak Bobcat Goldwain Good Good stuff Alright, great Yeah So I understand that yes, cats can be I have two cats

I have not Yeah, fair enough. I already have good example of not training a cat. And they are arguably better than Garfield. Well, yeah, none of them like to smoke pipes. And Garfield loves to smoke a pipe. Plus, imagine I went to set, because Garfield stands bipedally, like a human being sometimes.

How scary to come into your kitchen and see him standing on the bench. And he also loves to stand on the bench. And he drinks coffee sometimes too, right? He does. Yeah. And he also loves to stand on the bench. Yeah. And he drinks coffee sometimes too, right? He does. That's kind of cute. Because I have a hat of him drinking coffee. Yeah.

There you go. Well, my parents' dog drinks coffee. That's fine. It shouldn't. He loves a latte. Wild. Well, dogs can drink a puppuccino. This isn't a puppuccino.

This is straight up latte. Well, what happens is my parents have a coffee. This is how they found out. So they had a coffee and then they just put it in the back of the car or whatever. They finished. And then whiskey, my parents' dog just got his nose in there and just licked all the coffee up. And then he was fine. And then he just got a taste for it.

And so now he just sometimes has a coffee. So do they make a third coffee for whiskey? No, but there's a little bit of coffee left in the glass or whatever. He just has a coffee. So do they make a third coffee for whiskey? No, but there's a little bit of coffee left in the glass or whatever. He just has it. Does the dog also like reading the paper in the morning? Yeah. Like fetches the paper,

but then just opens it up with its morning coffee and reads it? So that's what a business is looking like these days. Smoking a diary. Your parent's dog grommet. Yeah. How does he feel about cheese?

Hates it but his owner loves it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And the wrong trousers. How does he feel about penguins disguised as

chickens? He's never met one. Has he got a prized gourd of some sort? Not that I know of.

Does he have an enemy dog? No, he hasn't met many dogs. What's his dog's name again? Whiskey. That's great. Yeah, he's a good dog.

Why wouldn't he drink whiskey? I don't know if it's worse to give a dog whiskey or coffee. Probably whiskey. Probably whiskey. Hi, doggy. My cat drank whiskey once. Why did it do that?

Well, I was having a whiskey and then I put it on the floor because it jumped on me and then it jumped off me. But then it landed in my whiskey on its back paw. And I'm like, no! And I grabbed my whiskey. And I'm like, ah!

Ah, it's still fine. It's good. It's just cat food. Whatever. It's like I kept drinking. But then I noticed that she was there licking her foot. Oh, no. And I'm like, cheers.

Hey. Which cat? Tiri. Tiramisu. That is not the cat I expected. Yeah, I was imagining Kim Chi too. See, you'd always expect an orange cat to do silly things because that's the Garfield move.

That's true. Big Garfield energy to drink whiskey. Yeah, but that was the other one. What would you want Garfield to do? Normal cat stuff and you'll be upset that it's doing bad cat stuff. To love Mondays? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, but last it was the other one. What would you want Garfield to do? Um, not... Normal cat stuff, and you'll be upset that it's doing bad cat stuff. To love Mondays? Yeah, love Mondays.

Well, first off, not know the days of the week. You shouldn't know the days of the week, cat. Why does Garfield hate Mondays? Garfield doesn't have a job. Yeah, I know. No, well, maybe... Oh, because John goes away to his job on Mondays. Oh, that's sad.

And he secretly loves John. Yeah, yeah. John... He's a dog commentator. Yeah. way to his job on Mondays. And he secretly loves John. He's a dog-com taster. He tests dog-com to make sure it's good. I looked into this once because I also thought that and I was like, why does he hate Mondays so much? Oh yeah, of course, because John he's at the weekend, he spent time.

No, no, no, no, no. It's like childhood trauma. Oh my God. You got a harder job than detraining him. Detraining him? Making him love Mondays. Yeah, untraining him to hate Mondays, I guess. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Well, okay. By childhood trauma, on Mondays he was forced to eat leftovers as a kitten. Oh my God. What the hell? What? Fattening him up to eat leftovers as a kitten Oh my god What the hell? What? They're fattening him up to eat him?

Why would they do that? I don't know Because they're going to go to work or whatever Yeah, he doesn't like leftovers He loves fresh, warm lasagna Therefore the reason he eats Mondays Is because Mondays are when he, at least as a kitten Was forced to subsist on leftovers

It's not that they force him to eat Leftovers is fine You can eat leftovers Leftovers are good It's not that they force him to eat. Leftovers is fine. Leftovers are good. It's not a big deal to eat leftovers. I really just don't understand why they're not feeding this cat cat food. I think this would all be solved if he was fed cat food

from the get-go. Does it make him a full lasagna? It's not like John has any. Maybe the cat is fussy. Lasagna is a lot of food for a cat. It's a lot of cheese for a cat. And that's why he's a fat cat. A lot of cheese. He's lazy because he's tired.

He's sick from all the cheese. I don't think cats are supposed to have that much cheese. And he's angry all the time because he's kicking Odie off the bench and yelling at Nermal. And he hates Odie. Yelling at the spiders.

He does that too. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And Nermal's actually quite nice. Yeah, Nermal's a lovely little guy. A little bit annoying at times. But that's just the Scrappy-Doo effect. Yeah, exactly. Fuck Scrappy-Doo.

Yeah, way less annoying than Scrappy-Doo. Way less annoying than Scrappy-Doo. Scrappy-Doo's a piece of shit. But Nermal just wants to be friends with Garfield. Yeah. Garfield's a piece of shit. So again, it to be friends with Garfield. Yeah. Garfield's a piece of shit. So again, it'd be like, okay, thing to train Garfield. I'd like this cat to get along with the other animals in this house.

How am I doing that? Yeah. I don't know. Especially because another trick, right, is like- He'll make your cats bad too. Yeah. They'll all be on the bench. They'll be on the-

Oh, yeah. If Garfield's on the bench, I'm on the bench. And now they're all smoking a pipe eating lasagna. And I'm like, when the fuck they learn how to use the oven? How come they don't make feelers? Also, your cat... Like, Garfield talks to Odie and Nermal, but in thought bubbles. Yeah.

So you don't know what... You know your cats will be saying something to each other. So it's... Okay, so it's a telepathy. Dad drank dog cum. That's what they're saying. Great. This guy's telepathy. But you Dad drank dog cum. That's what they're saying. Right. It has telepathy.

But you're good. Would you be able to tell? I guess your cats would just be staring at each other. It's like when you're at an Italian restaurant and you've ordered the most basic dish on the menu. And then the two Italian men who work there say something in Italian to each other that implies that you're a fool. Yeah. You have no taste. What did you order? Spaghetti bolognese, obviously.

Entree size as well? Just regular. And I asked for extra parmesan and also parmesan on the side. Tell me what the jobs the two men who work here do. One's cook, one's front of house? Yeah. Okay. It's a small restaurant. Family. Family run.

A family of just the two guys? No, there's no guys. You said there were two men in the restaurant. Yeah, this was obviously a real life example, which is why Ruby ordered. And presumably what happened here was one of the two Italian men took your order, and then you watched

that Italian man walk up to the kitchen and then say something in Italian to the other Italian man that was cooking your food? Yeah, and I assumed it was negative about me. Is it because they shook their head and said, Mamma Mia? Yeah, and they pointed at me. They did the rude gesture. Yeah, gave you the kiss of death. Yeah, and then they grabbed my head and kissed me,

and then the other one shot me in the head with a gun. But they got it from the toilet. It'll happen. It'll happen. But that's on them for putting, you know, delicious spag bol on the menu. Yeah, I always get spaghetti. Spaghetti's delicious.

Spaghetti bol is delicious. It's a great meal. We should get Italian tonight. Yeah, let's get Italian food. Yeah, let's get spaghetti. Well, yeah, Garfield will be hard to trade. Yeah. Yeah, I agree.

Why don't we pick something good? I don't know. Or bad, I guess. It's a dupe. You know what I mean. Why don't we pick something good? Or bad, I guess. It's a do-good. You know what I mean. Zabit wins? I'm with Team Linguini. Raising a man that sucks, sucks. Yeah, that is hard.

So much that his mom died. Yeah. And his dad wasn't there. Yeah, that's true. That's just failing as a parent. Yeah, and that sucks. Failing as a parent and then passing the responsibility onto a rat who also fails so much so that he has to control him. The rat does a better job than you because you die.

And then the rat lives and then opens a restaurant. It's kind of like a reverse Stuart Little in a way. A rat adopted a guy. Stuart Little, on the other hand would be very easy to train but it's also the question of is he a pet or is he a child well I think what I would be scared of with Stuart Little is I might just lose him

he's very small if I were a child in an adoption centre and I saw a family pick up the rat and say you're coming home with us I would be so upset maybe I didn't even realise the rat was a kid. Maybe they have a one-bedroom apartment and they just needed a pet.

I just assume like, oh, I'm an orphan and times are tough and these orphanages, they're not getting a lot of money into them so there's probably rats around. Or maybe the orphanage doesn't have enough kids to adopt out so they've started dressing rats up like kids.

Yeah, thinking people won't notice. And this one family did notice, but they didn't care. They got tricked. They were like, well, we've got a little car that we can put him in, so it's all good. This would be great for all of your doll pants, honey. Finally we'll have something to do with them because you refused to buy dolls. Yeah, it's amazing.

It's a kid, you'd be like, okay, maybe they just want to trial something them because you refused to buy dolls. Yeah, it's amazing. As a kid you'd be like, maybe they just want to trial something because that rat's going to die like that. Yeah, that's true. That's a good point. And then a month and a half, that'll be back for me. I'm an angel. It helps with the rat can talk, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah, Lynn Green is the hardest one.

Ruby wins. Yeah, Ruby wins. Yay! And on that note, I've been Joel. I've been Jackson. I've also been Joel. And I've also been Joel. I've also been Joel but also I'm Ruby and Ruby where can we

find you you can find me on the website that I write for Kotaku Australia or on Twitter at Ruby and us or in the deepest darkest and most slimiest parts of your mind whoa that's bad for us we got some real slimy

dark places in our mind. And I'm there going, whoa! Hang on. Oh, you are there. Oh, that's right. Yeah, yeah.

Really think about it. Yeah. I'm putting my arms up in the air. I'm going, whoa! You're having a great time. I love this slime. Yeah.

That's nice. Really inceptionist, huh? Yeah. Huh. That's nice. Really inceptionist, huh? Yeah. Huh. Oh, wow.