Plumbing the Death Star - Why does Superman find Lois Attractive?

Episode Date: October 13, 2014

In which our heroes crash land on earth, get corporate, call themselves Clarke and act like a bunch of Kents while wondering why Superman find Lois Lane Attractive. We look at Kryptonian evolution, make an effort to get our heads around genetic attraction, attempt to rationalise forming an emotional emotional connection with an alien and struggle to imagine making love with a chimp.Jackson is obsessed with Superman’s butthole, Zammit is more interested in Superman’s penis and Duscher just wants to be the first astronaut to die of mustard gas poisoning. It’s an interspecies intergalactic interplanetary erotic journey as we do our best to answer the age old question of nature vs nurture.Want to help research the logic of Kryptonian buttholes? Head to http://www.patreon.com/sanspantsradio and for as little as $1 a month, you can help make a difference in locating the bastard. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Sandspance Radio, we are so sorry. Are you sick of being naked? Why don't you wear a t-shirt with our face on it? Just go to Redbubble and search for us. Sandspance Radio. Good. Hey, and welcome to another episode of Plumbing the Death Star. But we ask important questions like,

why does Superman find Lois Lane attractive? attractive. So basically, I was watching Man of Steel again because I hate myself. Yeah, good point, yep. It's like, flagellating. I have been bad, I need to be punished. Man of Steel! Click! Mmm, this is good punishment. Damn this stuff sucks.

I hate my life. So yeah, basically, and out of all the problems in that entire giant fuck-up of a film, one thing stood out in my second viewing. Why am I watching this film? No, that's not what stood out. Well, it did,

but what also stood out was... Alright, Lois Lane and Superman's relationship freaks me the fuck out. And this is not just in Man of Steel, because I'm very much on par with you. It's also in the comics, the TV series. Well, yeah, everything. It was just because I was... You were watching Man of Steel.

I don't know why. God, I'm really starting to regret my life choices right now. But yeah, no, it's fucked. What's wrong with it? Okay, Superman, not human. No. From outer space. Might not have a butthole.

From Krypton. Might not have a butthole. That's something I've always wondered about Superman. Does he? Well, because Ballybot and I was... Does he even eat? Why does he need a butthole? Like, we don't know.

He eats the sun rays. If Superman had a butthole, I would be so surprised. Like, think about... I know this is not the topic at hand, but let's think about this for a second. The chances that Superman has a butthole in the same way and for the same reason we do are like astronomically like like it's it's so unlikely it is so unlikely that he would have a butthole for the same reason we do well if you look at all it krypton in the man of steel how

they've evolved to the point where they don't actually fuck anymore. Yeah. So their genitalia is almost kind of superfluous at this point. Do they still bang for pleasure? I don't think so. Like, it's Jor-El and... What's his mum? Mum-El.

Mum-El. So Jor-El and Mum-El, they bang normally, and that's how they produce little Kal-ElEl And you can kind of see Zod like It's gross Yeah because it's like the first Properly conceived child in like a Century? A dumb length of time that makes no sense

So Superman might not even have a dick Is that what we're saying? No he'd probably have a dick I'd say he would have a dick because like If they did no he probably he'd have a dick i'd say he would have a dick because like they if they did evolve from the pod people that have been growing man it's still so dumb uh pod people have been growing their dicks and stuff mightn't be a thing but because because it evolved so that sorry i see you mean because superman pod people might have evolved to not have dicks because that might be the next step of evolution,

but Superman is from conceived naturally. Yeah, but with Bajor-El and Mum-El, their genitalia wouldn't be great. No, it wouldn't be the best. Well, it depends. Because if they're from pod people, and we're talking, say, a thousand years... They still manage to conceive old little Carl-El.

I'm saying... They fucked up somewhere, though. He's not right. Back to the topic on him. Yeah, just as a side. All right, so back to the... Okay, the point that I got close to making but haven't made yet was... It's true.

Superman, out of space, alien, not human. Lois Lane, human. Their relationship's gross. I mean, I... Like, why is Superman even attracted to Lois Lane? human. Their relationship's gross. Why is Superman even attracted to Lois Lane? It's sort of like if I went to the zoo and was like, I'm going to fuck that cheetah. Nah, nah, because a cheetah looks like a cat.

It'd be more like, I'm going to fuck that ape. That shaved ape. I'm going to shave an ape and stick my penis inside it. Not even shave an ape, because Superman doesn't shave Lois. He might. That's true. because supermen doesn't shave Lois. He might. That's true. Gross. But I mean...

Laser. Much prettier. Superficially, they look very similar, though. Like, superficially, they have the same features. Superficially, you and your parents look similar. Yeah, but they're my parents. Yeah, that's not a good argument. Like, superficially, we look similar.

Like, you know, different world, we could be banging. Yeah, and do we find each other attractive? No. Not in the slightest. But again, that's a weird argument. No, it's the best argument. Just because people look similar doesn't mean they're attracted to each other. Like, imagine this.

Imagine this. You go to a distant planet. Joel Dusha, first astronaut in space sounds accurate and you land on this planet and there's it's like a similar world to to this i hope i do that thing that astronauts and movies always do where they're like there's oxygen here and then take off my helmet not even considering the fact of viruses or like diseases and stuff like maybe there's other stuff not just oxygen you're a smart astronaut. There's oxygen here. And mustard gas! Oh, no!

I'm the first astronaut to ever die of mustard gas in space. Mustard gas is made. That's amazing. It's manufactured. If you've landed on a planet that has... That's like me. This planet has jam. For an atmosphere.

Anyway. So imagine you land on this planet but this planet is like 16th century europe like it superficially looks exactly the same the people look like people and one of them just starts chatting you up would you go go for it i'd be way too confused to want to fuck them i suppose there is that well what if it didn't look like 16th century europe then what if it looked like earth again yeah but like a bit different krypton and earth don't look like 16th century Europe then? What if it looked like Earth again? Yeah, but like a bit different. Krypton and Earth don't look the same. I think the problem though with Superman and Lois in this case,

because I agree, I mean, there's no reason for Superman to be attracted to Lois. There's no reason for Lois to be attracted to Superman because they are... It's like being attracted to a caveman. Yeah. No, because you're still the same in a sense. No, no, but like Krypton is like out of 100 is probably like a 90. Humans are like a 40 on intelligence and like evolution. Oh, we're not talking about intelligence here.

We're just talking about same genetic trait. I guess biologically Superman is not... No, but it's... You've got to take evolution into account here. It's like being attracted to monkeys, like something that is a version of us, sort of, but way less evolved, like way less evolved. I'm not talking about finding someone that's not intelligent.

But you're arguing that the Kryptonians are similar evolution to humans. Well, we've got no reason. Superman might not have a butthole. That's your point. There's no reason to believe that because we don't share a common butthole. Like we don't share a common ancestry with Kryptonians. That doesn't matter anymore. Buttholes.

Yeah. He could have three. He could have buttholes for eyes He could have like Insect penises The shovel ones The ones that stab you in the stomach He could have one of them We don't know

But I mean it's just It's like why you're not attracted to plants They're just not Because a caveman It's like why you're not attracted to plants. They're just not at all. Because a caveman. It's interspecies. It's still you. Yeah, a caveman.

You're still wanting to. We were sort of went back in time or someone came forward in time from the 16th century. They're still homo sapiens. Yeah. We're still going to have that somewhat similar genetic attraction. Yeah, I see what you're getting at whereas kryptonians like they're homo kryptonian yeah they look like us but they are not us but but then surely surely lois lane is at some point like i find this thing attractive it's i'm not even

can you even call superman a he is that what happened but the thing but the thing is though you got you got to also take into account like that superficial aspect if you met someone who looked human like just human but was a tree you would still and if they were a beautiful attractive human you'd still be like i mean it doesn't really look if they made it here you fucking go if they made a robot yep right but a very advanced robot that looked like a beautiful woman, and the robot was like, hey, let's bang. No. Uncanny Valley. That whole, like, no, but it looks perfect. It looks perfect. It just looks like a

bangable broad. Nah. I'd be going for it. No, I'd find... I'd be like that. I feel there would be something... I've got something to tell you, I'm a robot. It's like, I know. I know, baby. Shut up. Wouldn't be here if you weren't. I think there would be something on a genetic level

where you would just sense something is wrong. Yeah, but you would still go for it. I mean, what makes less sense... I feel like you have a, instead of a fight or flight thing, a fight or fuck. Or no, it's a fuck or flee. It's just a fuck. Not flight, it's a fuck or flee. I'm not even, not flight, it's just

flee. No, I think the question isn't why does Lois find Superman attractive because or Superman find Lois attractive because whatever superficially they just look like the same species. It's why do they have like an emotional connection? Why do they pursue a relationship? Yeah. Actually

in a way, I'm gonna use, yeah. The reason why that actually is because it's not say us as say it was not you know first astronaut dusha going to an alien planet it's a baby going to a planet being raised by the inhabitants therefore because he doesn't know he's an alien until he's like 18 years old he for the foreseeable past from like age dot to age 18 he thinks he's human yeah so he is involved in that society involved yeah but part of that is a part of that society so much is ingrained in the television the culture um that he's seeing what what qualities are attractive to other people but

you don't know that his brain is perceiving it the same way ours is, because as we've pointed out, Superman's fucking, he could be, like you could cut Superman open and it could just be like little fleshy eggs. Yeah. Nothing but fleshy eggs. And you're like,

what's this about? And he's like, I'm an alien. What did you, do you think I'd have a heart? Idiot. Why? Well,

there was this, um, case of, I think it was a chimpanzee or an ape. And I sort of grabbed it from the wild or whatever and they had it in captivity taught it words and all that kind of stuff. It was around a lot of

humans etc etc and then there was one case where, and sorry for the listeners but there was this one case where they found it just sort of on the couch flicking through a playgirl and diddling itself looking at male figures so there was this weird thing where it was attracted flicking through a Playgirl and diddling itself, looking at male figures. So there was this weird thing where it was attracted to a different species because it was around that species so much

and in a sense probably thought itself of that one. So with Superman, because it has been grown up in a society where it's like these are humans, you're part of this, this is your society, you're attracted to whatever, I understand now see why superman is attracted lowest lane and same with lowest uh not so much it doesn't make much sense so i the thing is like that's usually the relationship how it's pursued like superman's like whatever yeah you're okay and lois is like i fucking love you but oh no because it could be like the... I was going to say God complex, but I don't think that's what I mean. I mean more like...

Wanting to bang a God. It's like Jackson Steele about wanting to fuck the moon. It's like a great accomplishment. Yeah, but let's imagine this. Superman in the comics, I think a couple of times, has brought Krypton back, right? Because, yeah, okay, Superman loving Lois Lane, finding Lois Lane attractive, that's fine, you're right.

He's grown up in that culture. But imagine if he took her to Krypton. She'd die. Yeah, she would. But say you put a special helmet on her. Whatever, why would she die? She's fine. Man of Steel. She's a tough cookie. The atmosphere is

pretty much like... In the comics, she'd probably be fine. No, also, because, like, Krypton, the whole'd probably be fine. No, also, because Krypton... The whole point why Superman is so strong on Earth is because Krypton is, like, fucked compared to Earth. She'd die. She'd die like that. Put her in a suit. Who cares? Even a space suit, I feel like she'd die. No, like a metal suit.

Or maybe she becomes... A metal suit. Maybe she's been Krypton the whole time. Maybe. Or... Let's just now throw in dumb stuff for her. Or with the power of Krypton's red sun? She gets Superman powers. That makes no sense. Point is, if Superman brought Lois Lane to Krypton,

the Kryptonians would be like, that's so fucked. That is so fucked. That's not okay. That's like if that chimp that was diddling herself to play dude, play girl? Play boy. Play boy. Because it was a lady chimp. Yeah. Lady chimp. She wasdling herself to play dude. Play girl? Play boy. Play boy. Yeah.

Because it was a lady chimp. Yeah. Lady chimp. She was DJing her own party. She was. All right. Gross, because it's a chimp. Went back to fucking the other chimps.

Not fucking the other chimps. Went back to the other chimps. And was like, hey. Check out this male. How sexy is this play dude? And they'd be like. No. The fuck is wrong with you?

That penis does not have enough hair on it for my life. What is wrong with you? That penis is too big. Ostracized. Superman would never be able to go back to Krypton. They would be like, you smell wrong. Yeah, you. You've been having a real...

Not that you've been fucking another species. You've been having an emotional connection to another species. It's basically basically it's not quite bestiality it is it is it's a species it's interspecies superman is a pervert he is so slow asleep yeah again because that is true but again it is because Superman has been brought up in this as it comes to nature versus nurture thing I don't know really no I don't have a problem with them banging. However, if we kind of look at other tropes...

No, no, no. Again, you keep pointing out the fact that Superman was brought up on this planet and that's fine. Look at the Lois Lane perspective. She knew he was an alien the whole time. No, because she wants to bang Clark. Yeah, she loves Clark. She also loves Superman. Clark first. Does she love Superman? No, she loves Superman. Doesn also loves Superman. Clark first. Does she love Superman?

No, she loves Superman. Doesn't she have a relationship with Superman before she knows that he's Clark? No, I don't know enough about Superman because there's been so fucking many of them. I'm fairly sure... I'm going to go with she wants to bang Clark and then she finds out he's Superman. I think in Smallville they went to high school together. No, that was the other one. That was Lana.

Lana Del Rey. Yes. Lana Lang? Yeah, Lana Lang. I was scared to say that too in case it was wrong because then it would come out very racist.

You know, Lana Lang, like, oh God. Oh, oh no. So yeah, I think Nurture Miss Nature is fine. I think... No, I'm... Because again,

and also there's no reason for Lois to think that he's an alien. No. Until it comes to a certain point. No. And then you're in too deep. No. Because you're in a universe with the Green Lantern, the Flash. I was going to say Martian Manhunter, but he's clearly not from Earth, so...

No, he's green. Sorry, Lois. Don't use him as an example, but yeah. Doesn't he become John Jaws sometimes? Yeah, John. He solves crimes. I know that much. He's a mysterious fellow.

So, yeah, I have no problem with Lois Lane and Superman hooking up. So were other tropes in comic books? Well, yeah, something that's always freaked my shit out is the fact that the Ninja Turtles and April O'Neil are like kind of a thing. I mean, not all the Ninja Turtles, but April O'Neil that we know. Well, it depends what internet you go on to. That's true. The one.

That's true. I go on to the one. But yeah, you've got Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and April O'Neil. You've also got Xavier and Lalandra. And again, Lalandra, she's just a bird. She's a bird person. And he's all up in that. Mystique and... Azazel?

Yeah, or... They're all humans, I guess. But April O'Neil and the Ninja... Those Ninja Turtles weren't dudes who became turtles. They were turtles that became dude-like turtles. They were turtles that became rad dudes. Eating pizza, doing skateboards and machines.

And April O'Neil looks at their bald heads and weird jaws and is like, alright. I don't think they ever have a romantic relationship. I think there's implications. No, she's banging Casey, isn't she? I don't know. I know that at some point, a human woman has been attracted to the Ninja Turtles. Whether it's April O'Neil or that other ninja one, it's happened. And it's wrong.

I don't want to think. But even like the Doctor and every companion he's had since like 2005. Like it's, he's got two hearts. He's a Gallifreyan. Yeah. Gallifreyan. And never mentions his genitalia. Probably got two of them as well.

Bottles. Although a companion sees him naked. We just don't see him naked. And she doesn't scream and say what is wrong with you. What's that mouth? She reacts in the same way

that you would see. React to a naked man? No. She's sort of like, She reacts in the same way that you would with react to a naked man. No, all right She's sort of like because it's Clara and Matt Smith. Mm-hmm. Dr. Naked. Hmm naked doctor naked doctor You don't want that I'll just rest my dick on your leg while I get you to breathe. Yeah, no. So she just was like, oh, I'm sorry, and turns around.

So maybe he does have two dicks. Who knows? No, I'm sorry. Did I see two dicks? I don't know. Did I? Do I have another look? Do I have another look?

No, I don't want to look again. Don't look again. Two hearts, two dicks. Oh, actually, no, but then he's naked in front of an entire family, and no one's like, two dicks. What the fuck episode of Doctor Who? The nude episode. Time with the dude episode time with the doctor yeah i've not he has fake clothes on and he i might as well explain it because i'm halfway through explaining it he's got no clothes on but he has like a chip thing that confuses people into thinking he's wearing clothes

because of an adventure he's about to go on yeah that's i was gonna say that just raises a further question. But thanks for your time. So I think there is this kind of trope in a lot of fiction. Comic books, movies, video games. How many video games are you this anthropomorphic gecko or whatever? Three. Mass Effect 1, Mass Effect 2, Mass Effect 3. Because I know where you're going with this. I was thinking of Gex.

Yeah, remember Gex? The gecko? Yes! He's got a human wife. What even? He does too! That Sonic 2006, you save a woman and kiss her with your gross Sonic mouth. He usually has Amy Rose, so I don't know why he was just like... Ah, human woman today.

I'm sick of all this hedgehog vajayjay. It's time for me to explore new things. I think the moment you anthropomorphize anything, there's chances are that a human lady or human man wants to bang it. I think that's, I mean, that's a solid conclusion, right? I feel sick and I've been Joel. I feel ill and I've been Jackson. No, I'm fine.

I've been Joel. Happy banging Joel Happy banging Bang all four of the Ninja Turtles They would make gross noises when they fart Well, since we're going down this track Turtles dicks would be about as big as a Ninja Turtle Good for them

Look out April O'Neil Get out of there But that's okay, because I'm sure the Ninja Turtles kept a mating season kind of thing going on. They would go in heat. And also, the Ninja Turtles should totally retract into their shells when they get shocked. How funny would that be?

Shredder comes out, they're just like, oh, fuck. They shouldn't have human emotions. Or language. They should not. Their tongues shouldn't be able to... They shouldn't have human tongues. They should have gross turtle tongues. They should just. Their tongues shouldn't be able to... They shouldn't have human tongues. They should have gross turtle tongues.

They should just come out and be like... And April O'Neil is like, gross. Fuck me. If you think this show is worth at least a dollar, why not donate to our Patreon account? Follow the links on our website, sanspantsradio.com.