Plumbing the Death Star - Why Hasn't Hogwarts Been Shut Down Yet?

Episode Date: December 15, 2014

In which our heroes avoid getting petrified by the basilisk, dodge the whomping willow, trip on some moving stairs and wonder why Hogwarts hasn’t been shut down. In the thrilling conclusion of our seven part exploration of the Harry Potter Universe we look at the issues surrounding the tri-wizard tournament, the correct protocol when dealing with a murderous horse and try to outwit a boggart. Jackson wants to turn all his adversaries into cups, Zammit keeps getting Dumbledore confused with Voldemort and Duscher just wants to know why there’s a password to see the Headmaster. So join the gang as they lose 10 points by confronting the Great Evil but gain 100 for defeating said Great Evil. It’s nothing but mixed messages as every class is dismissed and every subject is passed on the whim of a crazy wizard.To help us bring Hogwarts up to code head to http://www.patreon.com/sanspantsradio and for as little as $1 a month, you can make a difference for a whole generation of young witches and wizards. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

San Spence Radio, you put your left foot in and leave it there. Hey, do you want to talk about Mad Men for hours? Email us at sanspenceradio at gmail.com and I will gladly reply. For everything else, including links to our other shows, our Twitter, or our Patreon account, head to sanspenceradio.com. Hey guys, and welcome to this week's episode of Plumbing the Death Eaters, where we ask important questions like, why hasn't Hogwarts been shut down yet?

If you think about Hogwarts as an actual school, where children as young as 12 are being sent, the dangers that are just everywhere, just absolutely everywhere in this school, year to year, there's not a year that goes by in Harry Potter's time's time there where something just fucking god awful doesn't happen well let's just take harry potter and and the dark lord voldemort that's a rare occasion that's just like look something went down you can't blame the school for that basilisks but the problem even

if you deny the fact like even if you're like, Voldemort's out of the picture, that basilisk was just down there. Oh, yeah. Right? Right? Because Salazar Slytherin is the one who made that dungeon, so they're like... Yeah, he bought that in to get rid of them filthy mudbloods.

Or just rats. Rats are a problem. Can you get a snake, Salazar? Yeah. I guess so. How easy would it be to collect little petrified rats Chock them in a box Drown them in the lake

But there's a snake under the school Everyone knows about it Nobody does a thing It's there out of the way But hang on it's clearly eating something To get that big I mean someone's feeding it Somebody's popping open the Chamber of Secrets and dumping

maybe an errant student. Forks can get in there. That hole? Yeah, it's true. Clearly another entry and exit place. So maybe he's like chuffing off to the lake, eating some merpeople, and just like coming through. That's true. Some merpeople and some centaurs from the Forbidden Forest.

Yeah, just chucking them in there. Forbidden Forest. Yeah, I was going to say. So, apart from Harry Potter, there's some other problems. Like, yeah, you have the forbidden forest. Yeah, just chucking them in there. Forbidden forest. Yeah, I was going to say. So apart from Harry Potter, there's some other problems like it. You have the forbidden forest, which is like the dangerous place. But if you have detention, that's where you're going. It's like forbidden forest. It's okay during the day. Don't go there at night unless you've got detention,

in which we're sending you there at night. Can you imagine? You're a little like fucking first year student. And you just fuck up like accidentally. You're late to class and they're like, detention. And you would just be shitting yourself. I've heard nothing, but that forest is full of fucking centaurs. Giant spiders. Giant spiders.

Unicorns. Not as frightening, but they're still in there. I don't know. A unicorn could get pretty territorial. Yeah. And if you're not chummy chummy with Hagrid, he's just this scary giant that lives on the edge of it. Is there a fence? There's no fence, is there?

There's just Hagrid's hut and then miles of dangerous forest. Because towards later years of Harry's schooling, they're like, hey, let's have the class in the Forbidden Forest, or at least on the edge of. Kind of makes you wonder why it's forbidden in the first place. Yeah, it's like it's a Forbidden Forest, or at least on the edge of. Kind of makes you wonder why it's forbidden in the first place. Yeah, it's like it's a Forbidden Forest, except for sometimes when it's the let's go to the forest. Is it just like built up to scare students?

I reckon so. Is it just like... What about the Whomping Willow? That's a hassle. Yeah, that's just in the grounds. We have a tree that can kill you. It will, man. Not can, will.

It will, yeah. Like it, will. It will, yeah. It's an angry tree. It kills birds like that. So if you're like, how many times a year is Dumbledore in his office and somebody comes in with a crushed body of a student and Dumbledore's going to be like, oh, no. Well, they have, what's the bone growth thing they have? Oh, that like bone growth juice?

Yeah, like if you look at it, there's an actual, it's been mass manufactured to have this item. So clearly that's an issue in the wizarding world to have no bones. Yeah, that happens enough. Someone's like, there's a market, I'm going to make millions selling this bone growth juice. I like to think he had the bone juice well before it was a problem and he just didn't know what to do with it.

What am I going to do? Hogwarts is opening up. Yeah. I've got a sneaky plan. I'm going to make a million fucking galleons or whatever the fucking thing is. Canuts. So duty of care is a very, very very big issue at Hogwarts. But you've got a lot of problems

like say staircases. I was just thinking of this. Are you moving staircases? For no reason. Like, you're just on that staircase. Like, not even just in a dangerous sense. You're like, okay, I've got to get to fucking divination. You walk up the stairs and they just change.

And you're like, I'm lost now. That's what happens. I'm going to miss class. In the first year, Harry and Ron and Hermione are always, like, off to class or off to, like, bed. And then, like, the thing just moves. Like, well, we don't know where we are now. Let's go behind this door.

Giant fucking dog. Yeah, I know. Even if you like... Oh, yeah, that's right. They accidentally find that giant. Yeah. And it's like, maybe... Cerebus.

Fluffy. Fluffy? Fluffy, yeah. Was that dog just tied up by like a chain? Yeah. Like, that's... Have a little bit more security. Nah. Please. Please. Fluffy Was that dog just tied up by like a chain? Yeah Have a little bit more security Nah Please

Oh yeah that's right Nah And then there's a trap door underneath it Yeah And they go in there And that's not even terribly related to Voldemort The Philosopher's Stone is it? No

They were just looking after it Yeah That's also dumb There's a better place to put that? Like the Ministry of Magic? Maybe? Not a school with kids in it?

Or even, hey, your office where you are there or on your person? Or maybe just Gringotts. Nah, Gringotts gets broken into. That's why they had to move it.

Yes, but so does fucking Hogwarts. Good point. All the time. Gringotts gets broken into at the end of the seventh, like in the seventh book. Hogwarts is broken into every single year. But with Cerebus,

you notice how they get in just by opening up a door which they can unlock with a magical spell that they've been taught in class? In first year. In first year. So it's like, all right, boys and girls, here's a magic trick to open up locked doors, but don't do it for mischief.

Just, I guess, if you lock yourself out of your house, it'll come in handy. But you can't use it until you graduate. Why are we teaching this to you in first year? Well, they can use it in Hogwarts, but they can't use it out of... All the doors are locked by paintings in Hogwarts. They're just encouraging the students, really,

to sneak around and open and lock doors. What I love is that if that door was so easily entered, that means that Dumbledore's plan was if somebody breaks in, they get at by the dog. He wasn't like, he's going to be like, they're going to break in and die. And if they don't get at by the dog, they'll get at by the plant. If they don't get at by the plant,

they'll die in the chess game. It wasn't a deterrent. Also, it was a series of traps on that series of traps they don't get harder to like they don't get more dangerous they sort of get less dangerous yeah it's the last one like catch keys i think it's more of a reward really of like well look you survived that because like the chess game ron is riding a knight and the knight gets destroyed he's fine he's just like lying down for a bit. If you lose against the dog...

Also, Dumbledore keeps the Philosopher's Stone in a mirror. So he could have just kept that underground. The rest is kind of superfluous. In a box. In a box in his office. Could have been fine. Why not? Okay, there's a lot of Dumbledore.

I think that is the big problem. We've mentioned him a few times now. The biggest issue with Hogwarts is definitely Dumbledore. He doesn't seem to really care, I guess. Realize he's running a school. There's a password to get into the headmaster's office, which is an issue in Hogwarts, because I feel like you're going to want to speak into the headmaster's office Which is an issue in Hogwarts Because I feel like you're going to want to speak to the headmaster a lot

I feel like the moment Snape fucking abuses his power You're going to want to go in and be like Hey, he's clearly favouring Slytherin What's the go here? That's another thing I have an issue about with Hogwarts Is this whole point system bullshit No Is it supposed to encourage competition?

It's supposed to encourage competition and to do well, but could you imagine being in those classes where Harry Potter is there? Say you're a humble Hufflepuff. Yes, I am. And then you're like, we're doing pretty good. We did alright this year. Made a fine potion. We got a couple awards. We're now in second

place. Hey, we didn't win, but second. That's pretty good because we're Hufflep half a puff whatever and then he's like oh because fucking harry hermione and and ron did all this bullshit and get like a chess thing and neville like went to stop him and all this kind of luck sorry oh they get all the points but also how the hell did he hang yeah how the hell did dumbumbledore know what Neville did? Dumbledore has eyes all over the school. Which is... It's a police school.

Worse, because that means that if Dumbledore's watching them do this, he's like, my students are about to die. Oh, well. Oh, well, time to look at my pansy of all the sexy moments in my life. Oh, yeah. Yeah, so question A is how the hell does Dumbledore know all the stuff that goes on in that

whole school of his and B why doesn't he do anything they sort of reward risk but like unnecessary risk every time they do that it's like Harry confronted Voldemort and that was dumb 100 points no I'm taking 10 points off Gryffind like, Harry confronted Voldemort and that was dumb. 100 points! No, I'm taking

10 points off Gryffindor, but he beat Voldemort, so I'm going to give him 100 points. It's like, well, that's just give him 9. You motherfucker. Why would you do that? Why would you play with our emotions, Dumbledore? But it is sort of rewarding Harry.

Whatever you do, Harry, don't confront Dumbledore alone, but well done for confronting Dumbledore. Have some points on a more basic level that's the one but you should get points for confronting dumbledore yeah yeah it seems to be harder to get in contact with dumbledore than it is with fucking voldemort very true but even like on a very basic level he's not rewarding academic prowess he's not like harry was a great wizard he's just like harry was pretty brave so that's what harry was all going he's not being a good student harry was reckless harry was reckless do you reckon that's why fucking people are out by the whomping willow just trying to get points by running into it you love me now jackson bailey from hufflepuff

confronted the whomping Willow 10 points Have some bone growth Thank you I already have all my bones Classes Can we talk about classes for a second Because you're teaching kids Fucking dangerous shit

Even the curses that aren't Transfiguration Say they teach me how to turn a living thing into a cup. And then me and Dusha, you know, we have a fight on the grounds, and I'm like, you know what? Fuck you, Dusha. Turn him into a cup. Throw him in the lake.

They're like, what happened to Dusha? I'm like, no idea. Can I just get away with that? What's to stop me doing it? Well, yeah, because, again, Barty Crouch Jr. turns his dad's dead body into a bone and buries it and that just doesn't become discovered for a while. It's like nobody's paying fucking

any attention to what's going on. Well really, you could be like, hey, goblin teacher who's teaching me this, I'm turning you into a cop. Why not turn all the teachers into cops? Throw them all in the lake, rule the school. Anybody tries to come in, boop, you're a cop. Boop, you're a cop.

Worst part is, it doesn't even be that trained, so they'd be like gross skin cops. Why didn't Harry just at the end of it turn Voldemort into a cop and then chuck him into a lake? Drink out of him for the rest of his life. You're a cop, Voldemort. And a thumping good one.

Oh, that's the ultimate humiliation, being drunk out of. No, but it's weird, because all of this is taught in first year. Yeah. Like, they don't learn how to disarm another wizard until, like, third year, when there's a dueling club. First year, it's cups. Cups. Also, riding a broom, which is basically teaching an 11-year-old

or a 12-year-old how to drive. How to drive a flying motorbike. Like, that would be our equivalent. Like hey, here's a motorbike that we're not going to give you. You notice that in like the first lesson of the first year, she's just like, here's how to get your broom up, hop on, fly. That's all the instruction they

really get. Yeah. I feel like there's more involved. There's one which is basically like to summon your broom up. Well, you summon your broom up. Oh, well, can you just pick it up? Yeah, no. No? Fucking wizards.

You have to use magic on everything, you lazy fucks. They do. I hate wizards for that. Another problem I have with Hogwarts is when anything goes wrong, like a student gets injured, which happens all the time. It's never, okay, can someone go summon someone to get someone? It It's like I'm going to take care of this kid You will all just chill and don't do anything rash Goodbye

Actually kids get injured so much in Hogwarts They pretty much have a medical Not a first aid bay A medical ward They have an on call Is she a nurse? Is she not a doctor? I feel like getting a doctor would be a better...

Well, it doesn't matter. You're a wizard. She's just like, drink this potion, and now all your bones are not broken. I'm guessing they wouldn't have doctors or nurses. They'd just have healers. Yeah, I suppose. They would just have...

I want to talk about teachers. Okay. One particular teacher. The giant, half-giant, Hagrid. Could tear a kid in half with his meaty hands. Okay, I just want to point out, Hagrid, now what happened in Hagrid's past? He got expelled, correct?

Why did he get expelled? For murdering students, or at least bringing in a creature that would murder students. So for all intents and purposes, everyone's like, he straight up brought in a creature that killed a kid. And he's expelled. Dumbledore hires him on. And then Dumbledore's like, you know up bought in a creature that killed a kid and it's all expelled and then Dumbledore's like, you know what, we're gonna do

he's expelled from being a wizard, not just a school they snap his wand, that's why he's got the dumb umbrella but it's like, let's bring him on to teach about dangerous creatures it's the equivalent of hiring a convicted, maybe exotic animal smuggler

to then teach a bunch of youths a class about exotic animals. I think a better example is if someone was arrested for sex crimes than hired for a school to teach sex ed. Yep. All right, I'll pay that. I'll pay that. Fair enough. Much better example.

Even what, aside from the crime that Hagrid didn't do, well, he didn't do, but everyone thinks he did, he still is like, hey, here's some flesh-eating bugs. What do they call flesh-eating something? Blast-ended scroots? Yeah. Fucking, um... Explode-y bugs.

Whatever there is. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hippogriffs? Hippogriffs. I was going to call him a buck-a-dee. One fucking, yeah, Maul's Malfoy, and as much as Malfoy is a cunt Malfoy did bring it on himself

doesn't matter if you were at a high school and you were learning about horses and a horse kicked someone in the head you wouldn't be like well he was asking for it

well no well if Malfoy went up behind the horse and smacked it then it kicked it in the face yes but the horse it wouldn't be like

no no no it wouldn't be like Malfoy it's on you it'd be like let's kill the horse why it wouldn't be like Malfoy. It wouldn't be like Malfoy, it's on you. It'd be like, let's kill the horse. Why wasn't the teacher in charge looking after it so that doesn't fucking happen? Then they'd kill the horse. They wouldn't kill the horse.

They would. It is a very big surprise nobody shot Buckbeak in the head. Well, no. They tried to, but you wouldn't shoot a horse for kicking a kid. You would. My pig died because it bit a kid. Yeah, but bit a kid. Yeah, that's less bad than kicking a kid. You would. My pig died because it bit a kid. Yeah, but bit a kid. Yeah, that's less bad than kicking a kid in the head.

You could cause permanent brain damage from a horse to the skull. But was the kid poking the pig in the head? It doesn't matter. It does. No, that totally doesn't matter. If you went behind a horse and spooked it, then it kicked you. They wouldn't be pretty spooky. That's on you.

They would be like, you idiot kid. Also, we're killing the horse. Maybe you idiot kid. Let's not kill the horse. They'd kill the horse. They would kill the horse. That's so terrible. It's because they don't want, if you run a horse farm or whatever, or

a pony club, they don't want to be like, yeah, this is the horse that gave that kid brain damage. Hop on! They killed my pig because he bit a kid. That's how farm, that's the law of farm animals Yeah but that's like A bite is a bit different than a kick No a bite is less bad

A kick is less bad than a kick So is a bite A bite is like Ah your hand's here Sorry pig You're out to pasture I don't know if I would I'm spooking a horse

Clock A brain damaged Kill the horse Poor horse. Yeah, it's not great, but that's the rules that farm animals live by. It's like a dog. Like if it bites. Dog bites a kid, you kill the dog.

Gets a taste for human flesh. It seems to be people's defense for that. A horse kicks a kid, it's going to get a taste for kicking kids in the head. Get that bloodlust. Stay away from Kiki the horse. Why did you call him that? He was renamed after a kicking incident.

It used to be Happy. Happy the horse. So you've got Hagrid as just a, not a great teacher as well, because he's also another one who, when something bad happens, i.e. Malfoy gets cut, he's like, class dismissed. I mean, that class has gone for a good ten minutes. Yeah, that's true. That's like no education.

They're going to be like, do you know how to handle a hippogriff? No. Do you? Not a clue. My defence in that is that dumb shit like that would happen in every class, not just Hagrid's. Yeah. That's not a good defence.

Oh, God. If there's a bully in your transfiguration class, not just Hagrid's. That's a lot of good defense. Oh God, if there's a bully in your transfiguration class, they're like, hey, this dumb kid half-turned another kid into a fucking lamb. Class dismissed, I've got to deal with this. No! Call someone, call the nurse, get that kid out of there.

And then be like, okay, this is how we deal with that if that happens. It's really funny to imagine you're in class and there's some cunt kid, and he just fucking transfigures your hand into like a dolphin and you just put up your hand like she's like it's wrong mr mr bailey uh dusha made my hand the dolphin ah so he did i see class dismissed no i just can you just turn it back? Class dismissed. I'd be abusing that power. Everything like, oh, this happened over here.

Class dismissed, teach. Might you be turning kids' hands into dolphins? I'd be like, Joel, douche. I didn't do anything. Class dismissed. Zabit, turn it back. Jackson, did I say class dismissed? Then I'd just have dolphin hands until someone fixed it. I'd have to keep them submerged in water so they didn't die

or dry out. Slathered with moisturiser. How would you get your flipper into the moisturiser? I don't know. If you have a dolphin upside down for too long it dies. So I think I'm just going to have rotting dolphin hands. What happens if the dolphins die and then your hands get

turned back into hands? Are your hands then dead? Necrotic. I would say yes necrotic I would say yes it's unpleasant but it's even worse because in second year after the basilisk bullshit

goes down you know like the thing at the end of the class or the end of the school year fucking Dumbledore's all like you know what exams fuck them you don't have to do them

everyone passes nobody finishes second year that's not good not just second year the whole Hogwarts no that's what I meant sorry good Not just second year, the whole Hogwarts That's what I meant, sorry, everybody's in second year When Hermione goes back to finish her classes She's finishing from second year She has to be

It should all be null No, everyone passes, there's no exams That's the problem You're just letting all the stupid kids through But also the seventh year kids Who have their owls and their newts And all the stupid kids through. Yeah, you're letting all the stupid kids through, but also the seventh-year kids who have their owls and their newts and all the important stuff. No exams, you all become successful geniuses.

If I'm going up to be an aura, and they're like, so what was your owl in the end? I'll be like, I don't know. I don't know. We had a basilisk attack. I don't know if you heard. Ah, did you stop it?

No, it was some dumb second year. Yeah, you know Hogwarts? Oh, God, yes, yes, what happened this year? They're like, ah I'm afraid you need an actual score Dumbledore said we all passed Well in that case, here, here's a wand Here's a broom, become a fucking aura Go nuts, Dumbledore is the law

Here's a boggart, deal with that I know the spell, ridiculous Excellent, well done Here's a hundred gallons, whatever Boggert, deal with that. I know the spell. Ridiculous. Excellent. Well done. Here's 100 gallons. Whatever. Boggerts are harmless. Unless they become a Dementor, because then they actually work like a Dementor for some reason.

It's every... I think it's like it becomes the fear that you have. So if you have a fear of getting shot, and it turns into you getting shot, are you then shot? Fuck! Because I don't have a fear of heights. I have a fear of falling from heights.

So does that mean it will turn into... No, what if you had a fear of heights? Would it just turn into a ladder? What would it turn into? Would it turn into me falling? Because that seems bad. Or like it turns into me on the ground dead from impact. You're like, oh, this is a dark class.

If you were scared of boggarts and you saw a boggart, would the boggart just explode? The boggart would just sit there and be like, fuck. You're like, this is very frightening, but also I know what you look like now. Like what's going on there? I'm scared of dead boggarts. Sweet.

Class dismissed. Yeah, no, boggarts, it doesn't make any sense. And they're like young teenagers, so some of them would be scared of puberty and stuff like that. Oh god, yes. On that note,

a boggart just turns into a period. Oh, God, yes. On that note... Someone just, like a boggart, just turns into a period. Yeah, they're all going through puberty. And if you look at the houses, there's the common room, right? And there's the boy, like the girl dormitory and the boy dormitory. There's nothing... Basically, is teenage fuckery rife in that school? Yeah, I kind of always imagined that, like,

third year and fourth year were just fuckfests, effectively. Like, is that like the, that like the Madame Pomfrey? It's like, well, here's your cure for wizard herpes. I don't think any... Well, maybe some would have herpes. No, but I imagine that... Because there's boarding schools that are mixed... Like actual boarding schools that are mixed gender.

And I imagine the fuckery in there is rife. But like even... I guess you're still all high school kids. Just because you're in closer proximity doesn't mean you're banging. But you only have a sixth grade sexual education. So you're going to be in there and you're going to be like, I'm erect and I'm terrified. Nobody taught me what this is.

Ridiculous. It's a boggart. Reducto. Ridiculous. It's a boggart. It's turned into a tomato. Reducto. Reducto. Tiny wang. Oh no. And also if you were having sex, no way you're going to use contraception. I wasn't taught about condoms until like year seven. There's going to be

fucking teen moms all throughout Hogwarts. There'd be a like, you know, obliterate. Oh yeah, obliterate. I think it's obliviate. Obliterate is brutal. But, like, the other one is just to do with your mind. Oh, yeah, that's true.

It'd be like, what, I don't know, what's the word? Acutio fetus? Oh, no. Done. Yeah, so, I'm sure that's an issue. Hang on, Just with that spell Unrelated But what if you just like

Ace your arm Would you get everyone's arm? Yeah I always wondered about The specificity Of your thing Because he's like Acusio

Firebolt Firebolt Like what if everyone's Broom is like Just kill him Ow ow ow His broom smacking him Can I just become a billionaire

By being like Akio Moni Yes Or would I drown in coins Or why couldn't he just be like Ow, ow, ow, ow. His broom smacking him. Can I just become a billionaire by being like, Akiyo-Mani? Yes. And then just wait? Or would I drown in coins? Or why couldn't he just be like, Akiyo-Dragon Egg? Yeah, true. There we go.

I won. I'm a king. Fuck y'all. I am the king. Hang on, is there paper money in Harry Potter? Nope. That's fucked. Do you know...

Oh, fuck you, wizard thing. Fuck, I hate... In the Triwizard Tournament. Oh, fuck, the Triwizard Tournament! Going back to Triwizard. The biggest problem. But even, like, before I get into that whole mess, there's a part at the start where he's revealing the cup, Dumbledore,

and it's got this, like, bullshit wizard spell covering it in this elaborate tower so no one can see it. And he uses a spell that disappears as a cup. Why the fuck not just use a sheet? Why are wizards going to use magic for fucking everything? Let's get the owl, man. Fucking owls.

Yeah, have you ever heard of... Use the fucking post, you medieval loving cunts. It's the worst. Fucking owls. It's the 90s, you know? Move on. But the Triwizard Cup, what is it? And I don't mean Cup What is it?

And I don't mean like what is it In terms of like it's the equivalent of like inter-school sports But on a grand terrifying scale It's a champion from the three schools Come and compete to be the most champion It happens once every X amount of years Why? What did this begin as? A competition between the three schools

To crown a champion To see who the champion is See this isn't like a Quidditch thing Begin as a competition between the three schools. To crown a champion. To see who the champion is. See, this isn't like a Quidditch thing. It seems like the idea that they're going with now is probably the same idea they started with. Yeah, but I feel like early on. It is inter-school sports. Yeah, but it's so much more brutal than that.

Not really. They're like Harry. It's wizard inter-school sports. Harry, you might die. Harry, look me in the eye. You might die. And it's not inter-school sports because that would probably happen like, you know, once a year, realistically. Well, it might die. Harry, look me in the eye. You might die. And it's not inter-school sports because that would probably happen once a year, realistically.

Well, it doesn't. This is the equivalent of inter-school sports. Inter-school sports, for me, happened once a year. Yeah, but twice a year. This is inter-school sports for the wizarding world. Because think about it. We've established that wizards do everything really dumb. Okay, okay.

Think about it. It's not you versing the kids in the school the next suburb over. It's like I'm in London, they're in fucking Romania. And France. And they're in France. But if it was international sports, then you'd think that... But they're wizards. Travelling should be like that.

You can fucking apparate. Oh my god. No, they can't because they're not old enough. Surely the teachers could be like, I'm going to apparate you all. Or I'm going to turn you all into birds. Or use a flute thingy. Flute powder. Flute powder, yeah. My point is, in a school where you have muggle-born kids, apparate you all or i'm gonna turn you all into or use a flute flute thingy flu powder flu powder yeah my point is in a school we have muggle-born kids yeah who've grown up without like because

clearly i don't know wizard born kids just don't fear death like you they just must not does that mean that muggle-born kids they hear about the triwizard cup and they're just like yeah this nobody says anything mcgonagall does mcgonagal's like this is fucked this is so fucked let's stop harry shouldn't be in the triwizard it's a contract though he has to compete sorry sorry harry we promise the parchment and a really really big thing of the triwizard tournament is you have to be at least fifth grade or higher or something yeah like 17 whatever however old you have to be. Yeah. Harry is under that. Mm-hmm.

But the only thing that's stopping someone from putting in their name that's under that is a spell. So someone else can write down, like, an older person. I know. And when the name comes out, why not just be like, well, he can't compete, he's too young. Tear it up. Because we promised the parchment. We promised a cup.

But we also promised the parchment that that rule would be abided by. Yeah probably also promised the parchment that that rule would be abided by yeah if you don't have that rule in there why yeah it's

maybe like is this Dumbledore again yeah is Dumbledore hoping he dies maybe it was like that wasn't part of the original contract they've put that

because let's say you know 50 years ago there was like a bunch of like 12 year olds that entered and then they came out

and then they just died because you know a 12 year old versus a dragon in their first year probably not gonna-olds that entered, and then they came out, and then they just died. Because, you know, a 12-year-old versing a dragon in their first year, probably not going to do that well. Going to die. And then... Easy solution.

Yeah, look, we've made the promise to the cup already about this bullshit, but we know that we probably should put an age limit, so maybe we'll put this spell that Dumbledore devised, and he's like, that'll do. Fucking Dumbledore. Problem solved. That fixed. So Cedric D he's like, that'll do. Fucking Dumbledore. Problem solved. That fixed.

So Cedric Diggory dies, yeah? Yes. Cedric Diggory dies. Good alliteration. Is that not shutting down the school? Well, clearly you can pass the exams that year as well. Diggory died, whatever, let's carry on. Exams passed.

Why are all these big events at the end of the school year as well? It's just a weird coincidence. Voldemort works like, you know, it's clockwork. It's just like, look, it's, you know, December 20, whatever. No, it's not Christmas. It's from like, yes. So like May. May is like his time to strike.

He's sort of, he's probably hibernating for a while. Having a chill. Having a nap. Then he's like a bear, you know? Oh, let's get Harry. I'm awake. I'm awake. Let's get him. Let's take him down. Avada Kedavra or whatever.

Yeah, I'm on my way. Yeah. But still. What's a hiring process for a teacher at Hogwarts? Because... Can you do the spells you're hired because Hagrid doesn't finish

doesn't finish Hogwarts gets hired defense against the dark arts teachers like five out of the seven that we see in the Harry Potter series are Death Eaters or Voldemort I think it's just if Dumbledore quite likes you you're good no but not even it's just if Dumbledore quite likes you, you're good. No, but not even.

It's like, because he knows sometimes. Like, he knows Snape is going to kill him. Yeah, but he's like, alright. Yeah, but does that mean every time he hires a defense against a dark archer, he's like, I know you're a death eater. You've got a giant fucking tattoo on your arm. I know you're gone. After this, that's it. Sure, okay. There's one easy

trick when you're hiring a new teacher. Roll up your sleeves. You're out, mate. I really want to point out when Harry becomes a teacher himself in the Dumbledore's army Harry's a teacher? Technically, because they're like

look, the defense against Tarket is Dolores, who's just teaching us bullshit. Oh, that's right. He's like secret closet. He becomes a teacher. He's year five, so he's 16? 16. He technically, even though he's not been hired by the school,

Is Ginny in his class? Yeah. I'm calling the cops on him. No, it becomes worse because he makes out with Cho. Oh, yeah, that's right. There is a complete and utter breach of duty of care. Does he do that in the class? Yep, just after the class. They're like, let's make out with some Cho. Oh yeah, that's right. There is a complete and utter breach of duty of care. Does he do that in the class? Yep.

Just after the class they're like, let's make out with some Cho. Get my Cho on. Get my Cho on. So I think this is indicative of the

learned behavior because he tries to emulate somewhat of like Lupin in that because he's a teacher of respects. So I think it's somewhat of a learned

behavior of the teaching style of Hogwarts. No one really gives a shit. There is no duty of care. He can make out with a student. Whatevs. There's no rules whatsoever.

Do what you like. And the rules they have are just so dumb. Yeah. It's like, do what you like, but if you do something we don't like... Ten points from you. Ten points, and you're like, I don't give a fuck.

I'm still passing. Whatevs. If Hogwarts was a real school, it would be shut down within 20 minutes. They were like, I'm going to open a school in this castle. No, you're not. No, you're not. Sorry. Just going in there with a

safety health inspector. So these staircases just move? Well, I've seen enough. Do they move while students are on them? They do. Of course. Of course they do. What is the purpose of the moving staircases? Whimsy That's one point Can the students swim in that?

Yes, they can It's encouraged But there's also merpeople in it Merpeople and squids? Merpeople You know like screaming scary merpeople? Look, just over there, there's a forest full of centaurs.

Centaur. Anything else? There's giant spiders in there. Yeah, there's definitely giant spiders. Dangerous wolves, I think? Yeah. Oh, well, that's not... I've heard rumors of a unicorn.

They are very territorial, you guys. And there's no fence. Okay, I'm just going to mark that. And that tree over there, that's a whomping willow. That is a whomping willow. Yes, it is. It is that. Let me introduce you to our teaching staff.

We've got Professor Quirrell. He whispers to the back of his head sometimes. Okay, that's... I'm pretty sure the back of his head is Voldemort. Is that Voldemort? Unconfirmed. Maybe. And we've got serious Severus Snape,

reformed Death Eater. He was definitely a Death Eater. Not anymore, though. He swears. He told us that. Okay, that's not... He's a Slytherin, though. And we've also got Hagrid, you know, the one that...

Oh, the one who got in Azkaban for... Yes. Murdering a fellow student. Murdering a fellow student. We thought he'd be good at teaching kids. Teaching kids how to handle dangerous animals. And isn't that renowned fraud Professor Trelawney?

Yep, we got her on staff as a joke. What's she teaching? Divination. Still teaching that, huh? Still teaching divination, even though, you know. She doesn't know what she's doing. I'm just going to write that down in my report Is that a I've also got ghosts

One of them's headless almost It's pretty metal His head falls off sometimes but then he just puts it back on The 11 year olds love it And those carts the carriages out there, I saw a dead horse basically just...

You must have had some tragedy in your life. Yes, I've lost a parent. We thought it'd be kind of neat to have just these dead horses that only traumatised kids can see pull our carriages for some reason. We just had a surplus of them. It's just pretty funny. It's a good joke. We've also got a three-headed dog. Three-headed dog. So what?

Defending the Philosopher's Stone that we know dangerous, terrifying criminals are going to try and get. Hang on. You've got an item that... Hmm. Yes. Ah, and one of our students definitely has one of the Deathly Hallows that we probably should have mentioned. And I've got one as well, look at my wand

Oh, okay, that's not great So out of Ten There's a chamber with a giant snake in it Oh yeah, chamber of secrets, got it under the school Sorry, a chamber of secrets And that has a giant snake Basilisk

So not just a giant snake, but things that If you look at it it it'll turn you to that's the one that's a guy that's a guy have you been here before that's interesting and i uh i hear reports just hang on let me get my a troll a troll attack yeah somebody got a troll in i don't know who wasn't paying attention but it was pretty funny it was pretty funny yeah it kind of had to be that but it was good so. So your teaching staff were able to take on that troll? No, the kids did.

The kids stuck his wand up its nose. So kids... What was the policy on that? A dangerous troll came and you had children taking care of it? Pretty capable kids. We were eating. Didn't want it to get cold

You know Eating So you also have Don't worry we've got house elves cooking We're kind of enslaved Well not technically not enslaved They work for us but we don't Pay them

Any freedom But they cook all the meals They work for you but you don't pay them So you have any freedom. But they cook all the meals and just chop them up into the great hall. But you don't pay them. So you have a whole staff section of staff that you don't pay at all. Not really. I wouldn't call them staff.

They're not really people. I see them. They're definitely lesser than us. Lemon sherbet? I think I've seen enough. So out of ten? Ten? Nine? Nine?

Two? Maybe a one. I'm shutting you down. So fast. I like that you've given us a two. Like, what would constitute a zero? What would have to be happening? If we just walked in and just murdered you?

If you had kids just maybe chained up on the walls as punishment? And we just like... Oh, no. Well, there is a Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher that's currently not here at the moment that has been known to make kids etch things into their own flesh. Yeah. Uh-huh.

So that's a barbaric form of punishment. I thought we gave that up 50 years ago. And did I hear about the unforgivable curses being used in a defense against the dark? Yeah, you've got to know the dark arts to defend against them. Funny story. That guy, dangerous terrorist. Secretly. Hiding in the skin of the actual guy.

Who's hidden in a trunk. Well! Yeah, I thought you'd laugh at that one. It's comedy gold. I'm calling the Ministry of Magic. This school is getting shut down. Dusha, we got a scarper. Hogwarts shut down.

Dusha Jackson on the lam. Alright, so Hogwarts has been shut down, and I think for the greater good. Yeah, I mean, at the end of the day... I think we should just stop telling kids that they're wizards. Yeah. That seems like the easiest solution. Let them learn on their own right, you know?

I think that nothing can go wrong there. Yeah. On that note, I've been Joel. I've been Jackson. And I've also been Joel. Don't enroll in Hogwarts. Don't enroll in Hogwarts. Burn your ladder.

Shoot the owl. And I've also been Joel. Don't enroll in Hogwarts. Don't enroll in Hogwarts. Burn your letter. Shoot the owl. Can you just imagine Dumbledore waiting for the owl? Being like, what the fuck is this? Somebody just shot it. If you think this show is worth at least a dollar, why not donate to our Patreon account? Follow the links on our website,

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