Plumbing the Death Star - Why is Hyrule so Easy to Conquer?

Episode Date: September 22, 2014

In which our heroes put on some green tights, shove a firefly into a jar and go off in search of a princess while wondering why Hyrule is so easy to conquer. We look at the often overlooked issue of segregation plaguing Hyrule, the problems with Zelda’s prophetic dreams and how much the kingdom gets dunked time and time again. Jackson proposes a unified government to fix the problem, Zammit has a strange urge to be on team Ganondorf and Duscher just wants to make Goron sounds. It’s a hack and slash through some murky dungeons without a compass, map or a boss key as we all uncover Link’s true purpose in helping Hyrule from Ganon. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Sands Pants Radio, we're your internet friends. Do you disagree with our facts? Then email us at sandspantsradio at gmail dot com and set us on the right path. For everything else, including links to our other shows, our Twitter, or our Patreon account, head to sandspantsradio dot com. Hey, and welcome to another episode of Plumbing the Death Star, where we ask important questions like, why is Hyrule so easy to conquer? So, in all of the Zelda games, Hyrule gets dunked.

Even if it's not real Hyrule, it's like new Hyrule, or it's old Hyrule, or it's when Hyrule was in the sky for Skyward Sword, it gets dunked. That's just the end of Hyrules. I'm not wrong, though, right? Hyrule get fucked a lot. Every time.

Are they like alternate Hyrule? Termina? Termina, fucked. In fact, that gets shit on more than real Hyrule, really. And I have a theory as to why this happens. Yeah, big fucking moon. Moon with a face? Yeah, nothing gets you shitted off more than when the moon falls on you.

With a giant scary face. With a giant scary face. Which surely loses its scary after you've seen it. For three days. You're just like, whatever, it's coming. Scary face makes it scarier because it's getting closer. I guess every time you wake up and look at the window, you're like, ugh.

And it's smiling. It's smiling evilly at you. Oh, gee. Oh, gee, no. You shouldn't be able to have this. The moon should not be that close when it's daytime. No. No, that's worrisome.

But I have a theory as to why this is. Okay. It's because Hyrule has no unified government. Right? Because you've got the Gorons who are kicking it up on the mountain. Always. There's always a Goron kicking it up on the mountain. You've got the

fish folk. Zoras. Zoras. I nearly called them Zelfers. Lucky you corrected me. In the ocean. Just kicking it. You've got the Hyruleans in Hyrule. It's always a castle town. Yeah, I know. Fiefdom? Fiefdom.

It's a fiefdom. I don't know what a fdom? Fiefdom It's a fiefdom I don't know what a fiefdom is But it's a fiefdom FIFA FIFA soccer Alright And then Well cops on guys

You get the Kikiri Kicking it in the forest Kicking it in the forest So when Ganondorf comes for Hyrule It's just fucking humans Oh and you also got the Gerudo The Gerudo's kicking it in the desert place But also secretly hoping Ganondorf's going to show up

and just fuck everyone's shit. Yeah, but Hyrule's just defenceless because they've never gone to the Gorons and been like, yo, what up? Would you like to come and live in our city? At least let's make a council or something. So they're always defenceless. Whenever Ganondorf is coming,

it's just shitty humans. Yeah, unified government, I was confused at first. I was like, what does he get? Like, you think it should be more of a democracy? But now, you mean like, because unified government would lead to like a unified army? Yeah, well, I just mean that... And like the benefit of each different race

surely could help defend against... Because like Ganondorf fucks over like Castletown in Ocarina of Time. Sure does. And then, yeah. But he makes all the other places slightly more evil, but no one gets shit on as much as... And it's not like Link goes to fucking the Ganon...

Not the Ganon, the Goron house. Death Mountain. Death Mountain. Goron house. Goron house? Yeah. And he's like, hey, and they're just rolling around like whatever. And he's like, Hyrule's on fire.

It's full of redead. And they're just like, whatever. We're just... Yeah, exactly. I'm too busy rolling. You know how much fun rolling is? It's great, but people are dead. Nah, nah, here.

Put this mask on. Roll with us. Fun times. That is good. So can you imagine if like all of the fucking, the Zoras, they've got like...

Guitars. Yeah. Well, yeah, they don't have much. But also, okay, I can understand like the Gorons. Yeah. They're coming in, rolling around,

doing some shit. But you take the Zoras out from the water, you put them in the middle of Hyrule. There's a moat. What are they going to do? They have boomerang arms. Yeah.

Quickly, attack him. Flopping on the ground. They can walk. Yeah, they can walk. And they've got boomerangs, boomerang arms. At least you've got more people than shitty Hyruleans. Who are all just like dancing folk and people that own stores. That's all that's in that town.

But the guy who owns the bomb shop, I reckon, he's doing shit. But one guy. One guy. One guy. A lot of bombs. That's the hero that Hyrule needs. Clearly it didn't work out, though. Let's talk about that.

Not well. That Bazaar guy. I can't remember his name, but he owns a Bazaar orazaar because he gives you the Hyrulean shield so he had the equipment but he was more of a war profiteer really that big Ganondorf's coming

he probably sold Ganondorf bombs hey Ganon, I hear Link's coming would you like some bombs? if the Gorons and the Kokiri and the Zoras were there, you wouldn't even need Link. He would be just useless in the whole scenario. What if Ganon got his Gerudos coming in behind him? You got a Goron versus a Gerudo, like, you know. That's a giant rocky dude.

For our listeners who don't know what these words mean. Versus a vaguely Middle Eastern stereotype giant woman? She's not really giant, she's just normal size. And Link's just little. This is tiny. Yeah, wow. Now, I'd side with the Gerudos. That sounds like a great time.

But why? Sexy, very sexy. Why? And we've only focused on Ocarina of Time here even if we open it broader yeah like Wind Waker suffers from it even more

there's a giant ocean yeah oh yeah the Zoras would come in handy there yeah useful except I think they evolved to birds they sure did

oh then less useful and the Kikori evolved from children into leaf people and the Gorons evolved to wear clothes alright Gorons so to wear clothes. Alright, Gorons.

They didn't really evolve, they just put on some pants. And a hat. No, but that raises questions. Gorons, that means they can also roll around on the ocean floor, I guess. Yeah, that's a good point. That's fucked. They should be able to take on Ganon by themselves. Really, you don't actually need... Are they just lazy?

I think they're just lazy. They just don't want to help? Just hate humans? No, it's not like that. Or Hyruleans, whatever. They just don't care enough. Whatever. We don't give a shit.

We're rock people. We can roll around. Garand's only motivation in any game that I can remember is to eat rocks. Yeah, they just want to eat some rocks. Well, maybe if fucking Zelda

offered them a bounty of rocks to defend the city. Because, like, we've already got rocks here, I don't know. Young Link, they give you that bracelet so you can pick up bombs because you're a tiny idiot. Yeah. And the other reason they want you to do that is to clear out the cavern

so they can go in and eat some delicious rocks. That's true. Well, I mean, that's as good as... The end game is, I'm going to eat some rocks. That's all they want to do. Well, that's great. That's a simple motivation. If I was the Hyruleans, I'd be like,

hey, guys, we have some delicious rocks underneath Hyrule Castle. Come and protect us from Gatlin. Ha! And big Goron. We haven't even discussed him yet. What if you don't have to look at him? He's like the size of a mountain. Yeah. Why doesn't he just come down, sit in front of the Gatlin?

Ganondorf shows up, he's like, ah, fuck. I'll go back to the desert. Yeah, we need a unified army. I mean, like, sure, maybe the Zoras aren't going to be terribly useful. I mean, like, maybe a little bit. The Kakeria are basically children. Really, you just want

the... I pretty much just think, I just want to know why the Gorons weren't helping. I guess at the end of the day, that's my beef. I guess maybe the rocks aren't delicious near Hyrule? Maybe they're like, nah, your rocks are shitty. Gorons, motivated entirely by their stomachs. Sad. But they are.

Also, what stresses me out about the Zelda games and this theory is that I feel like Princess Zelda knows that this would be the case. But her dad, or the king, which I assume is her dad because she's a princess, just flat out maybe racist? So you're going the problem with Hyrule is that the king is just a racist king?

Or maybe an incompetent king. But maybe it goes deeper than that. I mean, like, there's no Kikiri in the Goron village, in Death Mountain. Yeah. There's no Hyrulean's... Well, again, they can't go underwater,

but they could go in the water cave. That's true. Like, it's not like... What about the guy who set up a fishing place? Does he let anyone through? Does he let anyone through? No, he's Hyrulean. Yeah, he's Hyrulean.

I mean, like, I guess... He works a... Yeah, he's a shopper, no? Thatrulean. I mean, like, I guess... He works a... Yeah, he's a shopper and all. That's true. I mean, I guess if you were Goron, you could come through. I don't think he'd mind. Same as the people on the ranch. Yeah, let's say, the Lon Lon Ranch.

Yeah, but I mean, like, why is Hyrule segregated the way it is? Is it just like... I'm gonna probably say it's segregated the way it is because of environment. Yeah, but not for the... Oh, wait, if the Kokiri leave their village, they get fucked up. Yeah, Kokiri literally can't leave the village. They're segregated for a reason. But who cares about them because they're not useful.

And they're children. Yeah, they're just kids. Although having a children fodder army would be pretty neat, guys. You should really look into that. But I think the Zora is near the ocean, because, like, fuck, we swim. Hang on. We need to swim.

Is it a Goron that sells you the magic beans near the Zora lake? I think it is. The fuck? So Gorons, again. Gorons will go to fucking the Zoran lake. Yeah. But Hyrule.

I think there's at least one in the castle town as well. They just don't give a fuck. They're just like, rocks. When Ganondorf comes, because at the start of Ocarina of Time... Also the fairies.

Yeah, they're just like, I'll just chill at this fountain. No, but with the fairies... Let's have more of them. Okay. In defense of Zelda for the first time in this episode, the fairies get fucked

by Ganondorf. Like, in some games he splits them into tiny fairies because apparently that's how fairies work. Yeah, just like, you know.

Like, scatters them. And in other parts he just, like, blocks them into... Okay, alright. But what about, like, with Navi? Yeah.

How'd she get out? No, no, no. She's not a... Mmm... No, she's... What is she? That's part of... Isn't she a fairy? She's no, no, she's not a... No, she's... What is she? That's part of... Isn't she a fairy?

She's a fairy, but she's... It's got something to do with Kokori Village. Because they all have fairies. Oh, okay. It's like they're... I don't know if they're born with them. Well, clearly, because he's fucking Hyrulean, so he's not really Kokiri.

Yeah, he doesn't have a fairy. Oh, that's right. And then he gets given Navi. Okay. But then she can't be born with people otherwise that means a great deku tree gave a dead kid's fairy to someone else which also raises a question of navi clearly didn't look after this kid properly because he's died how do you die in well i mean there's that giant forest full of monsters like right next to the village. And the Lost Woods also.

Yeah. Little Skull Kid. Yeah, he's kicking it in there. Maybe it was the Skull Kid who died, right? And that's his fairy. And that's why it's all like shitty at Link. Give me my fairy back. My fairy.

I wasn't died. I didn't die. He just left me. He's got lost in the woods. Please give me my fairy back. And Navi's like, no, you're dead. He's like, it's me, Navi. Navi's like no no you're dead and he's like it's me Navi

Navi's like I don't remember you who are you go away whatcham hey hey listen yeah I know

I'm listening to you come back to me you're my fairy Navi come back don't follow Navi dammit come back

stop following that green little piece of shit no I there's a lot of problems and like in every in every game that I can remember playing as Zelda, it has the same problem of they're unified usually in one town. Yeah.

But that's it. That's it. There's this one town where everybody can... Usually it's like a marketplace or like a town square sort of thing. So they're inspired by money and what they can trade. Pretty much. It's like, you know what? Racism aside, we'll trade with you because it benefits us.

But I'm not staying here any longer than I need to. So the Gorons aren't racist. Because they're like, we're lazy and chilling everywhere. I guess they're just... The Zoras... Well, I don't know if a Zora can go out of water. They seem to be arrogant. Zoras are definitely arrogant, and I think they can.

So then you've got the Hyrulean going, fuck you all. No, I don't think Hyrulean's are racist either, because the town square is their place to hang, and they're clearly welcome. So there's a problem with Zoras. Those dirty, dirty fish people. Fucking fish people. I feel like Gerudos would definitely be racist.

Oh, definitely. Yeah, well, they're the ones attacking. Elitist, yeah. Plus they live over that bridge that's broken. What's that about? Fix your bridge? No, no. This is a big problem with all video games. Why are heroes who have just defeated

giant fucking monsters always defeated by... There's a rock. Oh, well. I guess I'll turn around. This bridge is a little bit broken. No way I'm making it across. Never mind. If I get a horse bit broken. No way I'm making it across. Never mind. If I get a horse that jumps well, though.

Maybe. In the clear. So dumb. I mean, I still don't really understand. I mean, is it literally just that Garudos are lazy, Zoras are dicks, Kikiris are little kids? And you mean Gorons, not Garudos. I do. I do mean Gorons.

And... I don't think they're do. I do mean Gorons. And... I don't think they're lazy. I think they're stupid. They never present anything that's smart. Even their leader, I remember thinking he's an idiot.

He dances, loves the fucking Saria's song. Yeah, that's very true. Then again, dancing is pretty awesome, guys. I feel like

if I was Zelda, I would be very pissed off at the state of things. I might personally blame the Gorons for what happened. But you're a little princess. You can't do anything. Yeah, and like in Ocarina of Time, Princess Zelda is like, Ganondorf, bad news.

The king's like, welcome to my castle. Come here. Come here. Dude, let me with butter. I like this Gandalf. He doesn't look at all evil. The whole black armor and black horse.

No, it doesn't give anything away. Prince of Darkness. You're turning me on. Why? Why go that? Why? I don't understand. You had length. I like to imagine my king that incompetent and mostly horny. That's how you imagine every character in every situation.

That's very true. I just think that the whole land of Hyrule could benefit from... Princess Zelda ruling. Yeah, that's true. Because they know we're not Kareena of Time, and I know I keep coming back to this because, again, that's one of the ones I really play a lot And remember it

So there's a point where Ganondorf Or Ganon goes in to meet the king Ganondorf, it was Ganon It would be a completely different story Ganondorf goes in to meet the king What's Zelda's last name? Zelda Balkovich

Alright, so King Balkovich Yeah Is there like a diplomatic meeting there Where something happened That just Maybe they were Trying to make a diplomatic Sort of

Thing Like Ganondorf Was coming in to be like Hey how are you Let's get the Gerudos Palling up with you And maybe We don't have to be

So I feel like that Ganondorf just came in Like dick swinging Yeah yeah I was just sort of like Just strutting in Bad guys always do this

Just sort of like Going up to the good guy And being like, hey, hey, how's it going? I'm going to kill you later. Fuck you. I'm going to fuck you up. So is Ganondorf always evil?

Yeah, I mean, like... So can I maybe argue that Ganondorf is not a bad guy, or is that just a silly concept? That's a silly concept, because after that meeting... Okay, so at that point, Ganondorf has already made it clear that he wants a Triforce, but I'm not sure how that is made. I can't remember. Hi there, King Ganondorf here.

I'm just going to say it. I want the Triforce. Of power, mostly. I'm, you know, I'm on a horse. Okay. And I've got a big armor on. I like it. It's black. It's good. Yeah, because I'm evil.

Because I'm actually terribly evil. Love the cape. Yeah. And the horse fiery eyes? Yeah. Hard to set a horse's eyes on fire. I can imagine. I manage because it's worth it for the effect.

I'm just going to keep eating these grapes, but go on. Yeah, okay. So I'm just going to take the Triforce. Okay. Because I'm a fucking idiot. I'm the Temple of Time. I don't know why you didn't do anything about that. You're a fucking idiot.

I am some kid, I think. I don't know. I've really stopped paying attention to this conversation about halfway through. I think your name's Gadindorf. I don't know. I'm a king. I am literally an invalid. Probably years of inbreeding.

I don't know what's going on. I am idiot. That's just swell. So I'm gonna grab the Triforce. Is your foff? Who happened to Triforce? Hey! Hey, there's that Ganondorf!

Look at him go! Bye, Ganondorf! Wow, I was imagining him as basically just, like, torso and little gross flip of handsome face. The king of Zoras that's pretty much what he looks like that's true king job so basically the king job job no kim joke is the giant fish so king bolkovich is an idiot yeah so we're getting i think i mean like he must be just like ganondorf in like how do they not know by this point well they all like, things have already been cursed at this point as well,

because that's how the Great Deku Tree dies, and that's why there's a giant fucking... Dodongo, which is a great word. Dodongo in Dodongo's Cavern. That's right, Dodongo. Dodongo. Woo-hoo! Yeah, and then...

Why is there a fucking gore on here? And there's... Fuck off. And then there's a giant... Yeah, like, turns the fish into badness. Puts badness in his belly. Eats the princess. And then Link saves all that, and he's like,

things are getting a bit weird. Better go head to Temple of Time, get the Master Sword, kill Ganondorf before he's done anything too evil, I just realized, which is dark. Princess Zelda's all for fucking attacking. Yeah. Preemptive strike. She's a precog, it's fine.

Alright. Zelda's like, I had a bad dream about this person. Better fucking kill him. Kill him. I'm not gonna do it. You do it. Stab him in the heart. Wow. Okay, so at the start of this episode I was very like, maybe if Zelda ruled rather than being a king, so if it was Queen Zelda

rather than Princess Zelda, things would be okay. But no, I'm just worried. She'd just be having all these dreams. Like, Link, I had a dream that you stabbed me. Kill yourself. Stab yourself in the heart. Thank you, Link. Why was my mind on an intercom?

Link, I had a bad dream about you where you killed me. Can you stab yourself in the heart? Thank you. Maybe that's why they don't want to have this unified government. She just keeps having bad dreams about fucking Gorons and Gerudos and Zoras. I've had all these dreams. You're all shit.

Link, stab them all in the heart for me. She's insane. Stab them in the heart. Everyone's scared of Zelda. She'll fuck you up. And Link's all, well, she's the queen, so... What can I do? I can barely talk. Guess I'm getting it. Stab them in the heart. Everyone's scared of Scyther. She'll fuck you up. And Link's all, well, she's the queen, so... What can I do? I can barely talk.

Guess I'm getting it. Stab him in the heart. Ha! Ha! Ha! As I'm saying that as he stabs himself in the heart. Ha! Oh, mama mia!

Mario? Whoa. Whoa. Look out. Fan theories. So the problem isn't so much a unified Hyrule, the problem is Zelda? It's either racism or Zelda's dreams.

That's the problem. And Ganondorf attacked. Like, just strikes while... The iron's hot. Yeah. Just like, this king... Are the Gerudos treated poorly? Because again, I want to just change to Team Ganondorf.

They're thieves. They're thieves. They are. As a race. Thieves. Are they, like, downtrodden? Are they put upon? No, they're pretty okay.

They're quite rich because they're all thieves. So I can't be Team Ganondorf. It's hard to be Team Ganondorf. I feel like I want to be. Are you cool with genocide? Not 100%. Cool with genocide? Not 100% cool with genocide. Not 100% cool with genocide.

Check that in your tombstone. Put that in your cap. Because they have a prophecy. Don't they have a prophecy? It was like the one male... Yeah, one male is born every 100 years, which confuses me about the... They're asexual.

Let it be. Just accept. Don't judge. And you know what? That's fine. After this episode, asexual, bunch of girls, making a king every hundred years

The internet just exploded Because when Asexual, female It'd be a female offspring, that makes sense XX chromosomes and all Do you know what's fucked? Iron knuckles are Gerudos That's fucked

It's completely unrelated Alright I'll allow it So yeah, those big That's fucked. What? Okay, do you know... Okay, it's completely unrelated. All right. But we're talking about gorillas. I'll allow it. All right. Okay. So yeah, those big giant things in armor that are usually mini-bosses in the Zelda game.

Oh, yeah. Like, they usually have giant swords or giant axes. I'm thinking of a cow, but go on. Yeah. It's not a cow. Not a cow statue? It's not a cow statue. What game has a cow statue?

It's not a cow statue. I know what statue you're talking about. They're not cows. They moo What game has a cow statue? It's not a cow statue. I know what statue you're talking about. They're not cows. They moo at me. What cow statue? What level? What conceivable temple? There's these cow statues,

and they start smashing you and shit. Where? Which temple? I know what you're talking about, but they're not cows, nor do they moo. I'm pretty sure they moo. It's those statues that

if you hit they just attack you what temple? uh Dodongo's Cavern they moo and shit I don't remember this at all no

because you're imagining it wrong it's just like a circle statue with spikes around the base and they do moo they don't moo they moo I could be making this up he's making this up

I don't think they moo. I think I remember they do. They are not cast. They explode when you defeat them. Yeah, I remember them. Yeah, in this giant moo-y explosion. But go on. I'm too distracted by how wrong you were about that.

I can't even remember what point. What episode is... I don't know what's going on. I swear they moo. Anyway. Racism. Or Princess Zelda just refusing... Their help is crazy.

But are they even helping? Are they even offering to help? I don't think the Zorans are offering to help. I think all of Hyrule is just flat out fucked. Yeah, I think it's actually not a matter of anything. It's just a matter of this weird segregated society where the Gorons are like, what the fuck's happening down in Hyrule?

Don't worry about it. See, no, it's also weird because if Ganondorf takes over, he's not even really taking over anything. No. He's taking over Hyrule. He got a castle. Good for him.

That's it. It's nice, I guess. But then his town went to shit, so it's not even an exciting castle. There's lots of traps. Full of Lurie dead. Every time he leaves and then comes back,

he has to fucking, like, resolve, like, 18 puzzles to get into his throne room so he can go play some fucking organ. Yeah, so, until, you know, Hyrule is in a position where, as a whole continent or whatever, where everyone can just buddy-buddy

and get their thumbs out of their ass and create a nice society to live in. Ganondorf's just going to goof it. It's 2014, guys. This level of segregation is not on. We should all be more like Link. Yeah. Because he's linking all the different races together.

Because he's the link. He's the link. That's what Link is. You did it. There's also a link between Ganondorf getting the throne because he's a fucking idiot. Whatever. He's the Link. That's what Link is. You did it. There's also a link between Ganondorf getting the throne because he's a fucking idiot. Whatever. He's the Rosa Parks of Hyrule.

He's the Harriet Tubman. He's the Harry Potter of... He rides in the front of the Hyrulean bus. Now that this metaphor's been completely lost, I've been Joel. I've been Jackson. I've been Joel. Good job, Link.

You keep linking them links. Because you are the link of the Link Link. Link's not a real name. Good job, Link. You keep linking them links. Because you are the link of the Link Link. Link's not a real name. Shut up, Link. I hate you. If you think this show is worth at least a dollar, why not donate to our Patreon account? Follow the links on our website, sanspantsradio.com.