Plumbing the Death Star - Why was the Matrix Programmed Poorly?

Episode Date: October 6, 2014

In which our heroes plug ourselves back in to the Matrix, order a steak, bend all the restaurant’s cutlery and wonder why this computer simulation was programmed to have poverty. We look at the often mysterious and counter productive choices taken by our robot overlords, the final destination of the planets cows, and the potential eroticism of jackholes. Jackson wonders what the robots want with all our hair, Zammit proclaims he’d sell out Neo in a heartbeat to the surprise of absolutely no one and Duscher just wants to keep answering his own questions. It's a slow motion rooftop rumble where we answer the ringing pay phone, unplug, and find the red pill a little too hard to swallow.Want to help us feed the virtual poor? Head to http://www.patreon.com/sanspantsradio and for as little as $1 a month, you can help make a difference in virtual lives of starving children. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

San Spence Radio, you put your left foot in and leave it there. Would you like a poor description of the studio to enhance your listening experience? Well, email us at sanspenceradio at gmail.com and I'll give you that. For everything else, including links to our other shows, our Twitter and our Patreon account, head to sanspenceradio.com. Hey guys and welcome to another episode of Plumbing the Death Star, where we ask the important questions like, why was the Matrix programmed to have poverty? we are now living in the matrix. Yeah, just assume this is the matrix. Particularly when we were in the 90s. Yeah, that was more the matrix than it is now, right? But they've designed it just so that it's like somewhere for us to chill whilst they milk us of our energy.

Energy juice, yes. Whatever those pods were for. We've all seen the movie, but no one quite understands it. They're just milking us. Yeah, I assumed, why was there a tube under Neo's that sent him down? I didn't understand any of that. I was like, if that's where they're getting the energy from, why the magic slime? Maybe the energy's from our poop.

Who knows? Anyway. Why was he bald? Why didn't his hair grow? What's happening? Was there like a nanobot that just kept shaving his head? Cutting his hair. Like with the Robo Bible bible hair is an abomination get

rid of the hair oh maybe the robots are jealous because like they can't go yeah maybe they're like shaving it off and like sticking it to themselves guys maybe they're running on the hair and that's where it's going that's the energy source so what's're shaving us for our precious hair why are they starving africans why did the robots that made the matrix think yeah you know what we need in this because it's basically just a nice waiting room yeah let's make it so some people just have the worst time because let's implement world war War II as a goof What's the end result of that? We're still in the pods And if you die in the Matrix, you die in the real world

so that makes even less sense Why not just make us all immortal and happy in like a great heaven Because they did that That was like one of the very very first Matrixes What was wrong with it? It was too much of a utopia that humans were like there's something wrong with this and they rebe much of a utopia, that humans were like,

there's something wrong with this, and they rebelled and they broke out. Just make it slightly shitter. There you go. It's like they went from this ultimate utopia and they were like, that didn't work. All right, rape. They must have had some awful kind of board meeting where they all sat around and they were like,

we're making a new Matrix. What do we chuck in it? And someone's like, disease. I think it'd be real funny. Okay, we made the Utopia. It was shitty. People didn't like it for some odd reason. Humans are dicks. So let's just model it exactly

as it was back in the 90s because that was an awesome time. When did it become the Matrix? It's weird. Living memory. Living memory. No, but do you know the exact date? Could you give me a rough estimate like like it's like 20 to 8 2100 and something yeah it's seriously like it's that's another really weird part about the matrix let's just we'll make a world but it's like 200 years ago no it's because um it was just before the turn of the machine so it was like right it's 999 yeah so it's 999 it was like before the robo the machine. So it was like, right, it's 1999. Before Skynet. Yeah, before Skynet.

So it's 1999, it was like before the robo-uprising. You had this world, and this was before all shit went down. Do you reckon there's like many Matrixes? Over here's the 90s, over here's the 70s, over here's like 1600s. No, but why would they need to do that? What's the end goal for them? A goof? Everything the robots seem to be doing is

like a goof. I don't understand robots. Okay, so obviously they were like, they're not thinking that much into it, are they? They're looking at... They're basically getting what was the 19th century or 20th century and going, right, let's just recreate that. That was it.

They liked that. That was it. There was no. Right? That was it. There was no forethought. They were like, we tried giving them what they want, which kind of is curious. So let's give them what they had, I guess? Let's give them what they had, yeah.

The problem with the Utopia was that people realized something was wrong. So it's sort of like what happens in The Matrix when Neo sees a black cat twice and there's deja vu. They're like, something's fucked. But if you were living in that world... Too many black cats.

This is my perfect world. I've always wanted so many black cats. It's like people are like, wait a second, this isn't real. You can sort of wake up, which I don't get. It seems like an oversight in the robot's plan.

Come on, just keep injecting ultra-strength Valium. Aren't we just drugged anyway? Idiots. Why do we still have free will? Yeah. Why do we need a waiting room? Wouldn't it be just easier for the robots to just keep us in... Like a coma?

Yeah, like a coma. We're like sleeping, but you can still wait. Are the robots still in our dreams? Are they dream robots? Sentinels don't seem so bad anymore. Here's another question for you. What? Nothing.

Okay. Here's another question for you, and it kind of follows on. So they made the world just before the robots rose up. Yeah, so I guess the reason that there's poverty and stuff is because poverty already existed. Okay, that's fine. I'm willing to concede that perhaps the robots are like, look, Utopia didn't work,

and we literally can't think of anything else. How are babies born in the Matrix? Humans are scum, so they need to feel good about themselves. But it's like if batteries could talk. And the batteries are like, hey, you know, and we were like, I don't want to talk to you. I'm going to put you in a little pod, but I want it to be nice for you.

We should have a good battery time. And if you want to leave, you can. Yeah. No, but here's my fucking question. Okay. They made Before the Robots Rose Up. That's when we got. They don't know

what to do next like is it just like 2001 forever when it hits 2002 like no technology's ever going to change no it's going to be no change in politics no change in the world no they've they would have programmed that stuff in but they're just assuming with their stupid ass robot brains it's gonna happen it's gonna be like oh the next president is like the same president but a little bit different people are gonna be like wait what? no because

I think with the Matrix they're trying to emulate free will without actually having free will so there'll probably still be elections and there'll probably

still be people running for president not knowing that they're living in a fake world but can I invent something in the Matrix? can I make something new? yes

but how? it's all made by the robots right oh fuck he's it's all a simulation so it's all a simulation so so i can't make anything new i can't be like oh i've got a new fucking flavor of coke because it would have already had to exist before in the in the 90s or in the i mean i guess if the I mean, I guess if like, during the robot uprising, someone was like Coke and fucking orange Hey, Jerry I appreciate what you're doing, but we're fighting the fucking robots over here

And when you get back from the war, you'll have some tasty Coke orange And I appreciate that, Jerry But we have bigger fish to feed No one respects me! I quit! Oh, Jerry, no. Gross money. I'll taste your coke.

It's pretty good. Well done, Jerry. Six and a half out of ten. But that means that we're going to stagnate. The robots are fucking idiots if they think that we're not going to become sus the moment, like, I've lived 53 years, but I'm still 22. No, but people... You haven't. You would have aged. but I'm still 22 no but people

you would have aged I guess I'd age in my poor day I'm assuming it's living memory right? so that's where the world would there's a goof why wouldn't they remove terrible things like

why is there still people being born that want to fuck dogs? Yeah, why are they like... No, but maybe it's because the robots don't know. They're like, I guess that's normal. I guess that's what they wanted. It was weird to us, but like... And also, like, incest and rape. Yeah, the robots were happy to chuck it in.

Okay. So you're in a pod. What if you get raped in The Matrix? What happens to you in your pod? I don't know Is it actually rape? Because people can't touch you I was going to say, how do the robots feel when they see They program a dude to fuck a flashlight

And it's like, hmm, it's one of us Having sex with a robot Piece of shit I don't know how I feel about it I'm jealous Not just rape, but in terms of breeding Say for example, I'm in pod 483. Yeah.

Em is in pod, like, 60 billion in the other side of the world. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The real world. We meet up. Use real names. We, like, meet up in the Matrix. Yeah. Eventually, like, have a kid.

Are they going to have enough, like, resources to go, all right, let's go over to their, like, pod. Yeah, does he have to, like, jack you off, get it in a little thing? Jack me off a little Maggie. Sw let's go over to their pod where Joel is. Jack me off, get it in a little thing, swim his way over to Em's, pop it in and be like, this has got to be a better way. I hope this works. Oh, miscarriage.

Okay, gotta go back. But why are there miscarriages? Surely they can just wrangle it so that we're fine. You'd think. Wait, is the architect a robot? Because they're constantly monitoring us. Is the architect a robot? Because they're constantly monitoring us. Is the architect a robot? He's a program.

He's a program? Okay. Why make a program? What's his purpose? They're like, put him in a room full of TVs. It'll be fucking cool. Good times. By the Matrix revolutions,

everyone's confused about what anything's doing. The robots are even very confused. As we're discussing this, the robots really are kind of nice. These versions of the robots are actually kind of sweet. Like, if we were to be conquered, I would kind of be conquered by these. Let's just think about it, right? So, if anyone's read the extra bits of the Matrix or watched the Animatrix, they're humans, the dicks in the story.

Yeah, no, we were cunts. I've never seen it, but I've heard. The robots are like, we want to be a sovereign nation like fuck you robot they shoot them um so we start the war as humans robots go fine fuck you we're robots you idiots we're gonna win yeah yeah they beat us and rather than like just killing us all they're like you know what we're gonna put you to sleep you can have lovely dreams make it really have lovely dreams. Make it really fucking nice for you. Make it really nice for you. And look, if that fucks up, we've got other programs

where we'll make it like, hey, you're in your old world. Old world. Everything's pretty much just as good as it was. Have fun because really this is a way for us to peacefully coexist. Yeah, because you're going to fight us. Like if we let you out, you're going to fight us. It's exactly like, you know, say, the English coming in to the Americans and be like, oh, hi, Native Americans.

Stabby, stabby, stab. Outland. Or instead, they would have been like, hey, Native Americans, here's this pillow. Have some sleeps. We'll look after you. We'll make it great. And it's good times.

You chill and, you know, have some dreams. We'll have your land. We're still having your land. We're still having your land. We're still being dicks. Nice kind of dicks. I'm going to take this to a realer level. I come to your house. I come to your house.

Oh, fuck. I drug you. You son of a bitch. You go to sleep. But you have a really comfy bed. I'll put Ems in the bed next to you as well. Oh, thanks, man. She's also drugged, obviously.

All right. You are both very drugged Dreamlands But we're somehow connected You're sharing a dream I even tuck you in nice Then I burn down your house But I'm still alive though

I don't wake up ever And I have no memory of you coming in And tucking me into bed. In my head, I'm still having a great time. Yeah, it's fine. Thanks, man. You're the best. So you're fine with that? You're fine with living in a fake world?

I mean, I thought it was more of a question. Yeah, you're fine with living in a fake world if you know that the real world... Well, you don't know. But hypothetically, you do know. Okay, so then I do know. Then of course... No, no, no. No, if you know that the real world well, you don't know, but hypothetically you do know. Okay, so that I do know then of course... No, no, no. If you know, who fucking cares? I would be cipher. In this instance

of the Matrix, I would be cipher. I took the red pill. It was a mistake. I made error. Fucking put me back in there. If it tastes like steak and it looks like steak it's fucking steak. Ho down. That's my philosophy. Doesn't he also mention the fact that he knows that it's not real,

so it fucks with his head heaps? No, he's like, ignorance is bliss, man. This is the best steak. Because how would it fuck with your head? He's like, I know this isn't real, but fuck, it tastes good. I'd be that dude. I would sell that Neo in a heartbeat. I feel like it would drive me crazy.

Because I'd be like, this tastes like steak, but I know it's not steak. Am I actually tasting... I just have an existential crisis and I'm tearing off my face. I might go test stuff. I might be like, I'm going to keep an eye on things. What happens if you break your leg? Does your leg just snap in the real world?

I don't know. Or are you just fine in the real world? Is it kind of all in your mind a little bit? Or again, is it just a squid guy coming in, breaking your leg? No, no, no, no. This is explained. I just remembered. Sorry. When you see them in the Nebuchadnezzar, when people are plugged into the Matrix and they're

fighting and stuff and being hurt and that, their body's just hemorrorrhaging so it's not like their legs are breaking but they're like their body is going into shock it's dying it's dying in some way so if you break your leg you would wait hang on if you get paralyzed in the matrix yeah why are there people in yeah why are there people in wheelchairs because yeah this is my fucking problem my okay so what i just explained that's fine like it's like okay so you break your leg you're in pain but there's no reason why you should be paralyzed there's no reason certainly why you should be born paralyzed that's a dick move and the blind yeah i do that the thiamine kids still exist yeah thalidomide yeah sorry my god yeah i don't know why i said thiamine sounds like a like a washing powder yeah thalidomide yeah sorry my bad yeah i don't know why i said thiamine sounds like a like a washing

powder yeah thalidomide yeah thalidomide children probably still rocking about especially if you're blind because you're not even getting the world that they've made for us yeah because it's not you're not seeing the matrix it's all just implants in your brain so clearly you know you're born with some sort of image perceptors right in? In your head. I guess. Does that mean... I don't know how the brain works, guys. I don't want to... There's a bit of your brain that gives you sight. If you...

It's called the eyeballs. If you stimulated the brain, you would get a vision? I don't... But the robots could probably fix you. Let's be honest. Even just sweet robo... Give us little robo eyes. Yeah, right?

It's a fucking mystery. What it feels like is it feels like the robots are like like a utopia. Fuck you. Whatever. You can have it the way it was. We're done. We're just checking out. Whatever. Whatever happens to you.

The robots don't even care. Let's just create a little life for maybe a 20-year-old guy living in the Matrix in the 1990s. He's had a terrible upbringing. His father beat him. And killed his wife. And killed his wife.

His father didn't kill him. They were alcoholics. He was abused by his creepy uncle. He was molested by his creepy uncle. He put all. Molested. Let's go with molested. He was molested by his creepy uncle. He put all his shares in some pyramid scheme and lost it all. Yep. Became an addict at a very young age. Lost a limb due to heroin addiction.

Lost a limb at some stage. Girlfriend constantly cheating on him. Yep. Also an escort. Also an escort. And then one day he's like, by the way, Neo comes down like, Guys, it's all bullshit. It's all a program.

Come to the real world. How did you just wake up? And you're like, oh. You're like, oh, so not. So why did I? Well, I'd have to go through that, robots. What was that for? That make my fucking battery juices all the sweeter?

Because you'd wake up and you'd have your limbs. You wouldn't be addicted to meth. And you'd be hairless. So there's that. You'd be hairless. So there's that. Where's all my hair? There's some robot just watching you with your hair attached to it. Wait a second.

They don't even really grow hair in the real world when they're out of the pods. They do. Does Neo event? Yeah, Tank has hair. Carrie-Anne Moss has hair. Cypher has hair. In the real world?

No, Cypher's bald, you idiot. I thought he had like a friar duck. I wish. You wake up and like, well, I just went, why? What was that for? What was that for? I went through hell and back. Just for what?

For love? That's probably why the rebellion still exists, because everyone that wakes up from the Matrix, you put me through that, you cunts. You pieces of motherfucking shit. But I reckon on the flip side, you'd have the same problem. If I'd lived an awesome life,

every time I get in a lot of... Okay, so you're born into... Let's not make it the sorry state. You're born to upper class. You are born to the 1%. My parents love me. I meet a girl who just loves me. Like, for who I am, she doesn't know about my riches

when she falls in love with me, and it's this beautiful, powerful relationship we have. I have the healthiest sex life in the world. I have a really good feeling of joy. Like a goddamn stallion. Yeah, and it's just fucking beautiful. You have slaves? I have...

Whoa, whoa. But, hey, let's not forget that the robots are like there's still slavery in the world or like yeah all right what else yeah yeah you're like a warlord in like africa somewhere i'm just having like a lovely life got the clearest conscience in my life you know i like yeah donate heaps of charity then i wake up and they're like all for nothing similarly i'm gonna be like to be like, why? What the hell, guys? Why am I so special? I mean, was that like a coaching term? I love the idea of you just kind of come out of the pod

and you're all wet and this robot's like, excuse me, am I something special? He's just like, no. The Matrix is... The fuck? The Matrix has so many... The program, there's just so many unanswered questions. You know what's worrying me, though?

No, hang on. Wait. You have a social life in The Matrix. You're friends with that. You unplug, but then you go back in. Has time passed for them? Where have you gone? Just be like, where the fuck is Dusha being?

Just be like in the middle of... He went to go make a phone call call and he's been gone for two months then you come back in we've all aged we're like 40 you look like you're 20 douchey what the fuck what the hell man

you're like there's a nevermind I gotta go make a phone call he's fucking gone again also social life you wake up

in the real world like can you meet up with your buddies no you gotta go down to that sweaty fucking dance cave what if they're not there And also, social life, you wake up in the real world, like, can you meet up with your buddies? No, you've got to go down to that sweaty fucking dance cave. What if they're not there? No, but that's what I mean.

You come out and you're like, all of my friends from The Matrix are gone. You get out of that sweaty dance cave where everybody's, like, dance fucking, and you're like, I don't know any of these people. I don't like raves. I want to talk about comic books, guys. I want to get somewhere quiet Then you go and see fucking Did he put a finger in one of Neo's holes? Probably Like his back holes?

I would hope so See how it felt If I was like Woken up and we had all these holes I was like yeah stick it in See what that's like Lick it Lick it for me

Put a tongue in No man Tongue my neck hole In the back of my head Don't be licking See what that's like? Lick it. Lick it for me. Oh, man. Put his tongue in. Oh, man. Tongue in my neck hole in the back of my head. Don't be licking no one's fucking jack holes. That's a bad idea. Would you get a little electric shock? Oh, like licking your battery?

Yeah. Oh, fuck that shit. I'm back on board. I love the idea of like... It'd be like licking a belly No, because there's, like, sweat. It'd be like licking a belly button, but it'd be, like, sweaty. A little electric belly button. Oh, my God.

Would you have to clean that a lot? You sure would. I feel you'd have to clean that a lot. I feel like you'd get, like, a build-up. Whatever. Like a discharge. You know when you use, like, a mouse? Yeah.

And you have to, like, you know, back in the 90s again, those, like, mouse ball things? How old are you? You have to, like, unscrew it and, like, pick up all the lint and shit. Yeah, that. That. Gross. But for your you? Unscrew it and, like, pick up all the lint and shit. Yeah, that. That butts for your neck hole. Yeah. Yeah, and I meant... Also, when Neo wakes up in the Matrix,

like, the Matrix knows it says, like, eject all these little things. There is a protocol for getting a dude out. Yeah, that's been programmed. As if somebody was like, what if we need one of them?

What if there's something that our tentacles can't get, but we're like, fuck, I wish we had thumbs. Pop one out. Put it in all the pods. Our lord baby face wants one, you know? Also, just as like an aside, the storage facility is like just built to domino, isn't it? Like if one fell, that's all of them done.

Also, I feel that it's not exactly good space-saving. No. Each human has one pod. I mean, just cram them all in there, guys. Okay, what? Easy done. What do the robots need all that power for? Ah, living?

Fridges? Food? But they're robots. What are the robots even doing when we don't see them come and harass the Nebuchadnezzar Caring for us I think all their energy is spent caring for humans So they take our energy to Look after us See again they are the nicest people to overtake us

No I don't trust them fuck the robots I'm rebelling against them Fuck your perfect world and fuck your fucking Piece of shit world where people are beating their wives. I'm becoming really nervous that I'm going to start to notice that products that come out and people just start seeing really the same when they run out of ideas.

The next president that comes along is just going to be basically Obama again. I'm cool with that. Obama the 12th. I'd vote for him. Well, if you start... Oh, God. This is going to be basically Obama again? I'm cool with that. Obama the 12th? I'd vote for him. Well, if you start... This is going to be funny. No, go on. If you look at storytelling, there is no really new stories. If you look at politics, it's all the same.

Anyway. Not funny, just a fact. And not a fact anyone cares about. Exactly. Plum in the Death Star. Fuck you, Joel. You literally turned your back on me as well. I've had enough of you. What a piece of shit.

And I prefaced it with, this isn't going to be funny. I knew what I was saying. This isn't going to be funny, but I'm going to say it anyway, just in case it is funny and I'm the accidental hero of this episode. I think you're right. I think the robots are just looking after us it's a shit situation

I'll be fair they could have used cows they're bigger than us they probably generate more electricity what happened to the cows? is there like a cow matrix? oh my god just fields forever

does he like Neo gets plugged in Oh my god, just fields forever. Does he... Like, Neo gets plugged into the wrong one. It's like, well, this... Like, because the cow's got the fucking Utopia Matrix and just didn't give a fuck. They were like, this is the best. I'll just eat fucking grass all day.

Oh my god, this is the best. Oh, this is so good. There's my best mate over there. This is the best. Oh, okay. We good. There's my best mate over there. This is the best. Oh, okay. We have just uncovered the reason why the Utopia Matrix didn't work. Machines did not understand what makes the world perfect for humans. They've just created, like, generic perfect world. It's just, like, grass for miles.

Yeah. Actually, that's a good point because it's like... What does a robot know? What does a robot know? What is, like, your perfect world? Titties. Yeah, titt that's a good point What is a robot not? What is your perfect world? Titties But someone else's isn't going to be a titties What if your perfect world is actually

I want to be full on I'm a dom in my life Very heavily into BDSM My perfect world is beating the shit out of Young people Some people's perfect world is another person's worst world yeah so I like to

imagine that they were like what are humans like they're like comfort they're like eating food

chocolate I guess chocolate houses floors made of couches or they just get us mixed up

with cows fields fields the reason we were about this is this ain't right. Not a goddamn cow. This shit is not on. Several utopias

for just other animals. Just like on an ice flow, you're like, nah, this is not waris is having the fucking best time. Slapping their bellies together. All these humans are like, no, this ain't right. I don't know about this.

We get to bird town. People just falling out of the sky. All these giant trees and they're clinking. No, this isn't for me. The robots just not getting it. Looking at each other, just raising their hands. I don't know. I don't know what they want.

It's like the perfect robot world. Everything is in order. Yeah, like... There's lots of conveyor belts. Yeah, conveyor belt and boxer. Fuck it, just give them the 90s. That'll do. That'll do.

And then people were just like, yeah, alright. I remember the 90s. This seems okay. Yeah, man. Gr remember the 90s. This seems okay. Yeah, man. Grunge. Good. I liked grunge. Oh, that's right. Is Gagabane alive again? Nope. Oh, well. It's still pretty good. It's still pretty good. Do we have internet?

Yeah, yeah. Cool, cool. What is this? Oh, I just plug it in and it just makes... Hey, it'll do. It's not fast, but... At least it's not a giant tree. It's much better than the fucking walrus pit. Finally. Oh my god.

We're done. I like to imagine that happens, and they're like, finally, and then fucking Morpheus is like, this ain't right. Morpheus is like, I like the bird world better. That was what was great. It's just all Morpheus' fucking ploy to get back to Bird World. We've got a nest back there.

Wife and kids. A little robin hiding off to Morpheus. And my bird wife. Bring me back my bird wife. Oh, dear me. Well, that explains everything in The Matrix. We are the villains of the beast more so than we

could ever imagine those poor poor robots and on that note I've been Joel I've been Jackson and I've also been Joel machines get out of the matrix stay in the matrix

let's go to bird world bird world sounds so bad take the blue pill No, stay in Stay in the Matrix Let's go to Bird World No, Bird World sounds so bad Take the blue pill I quite like... Yeah, take the blue pill Just take the blue pill