Plumbing the Death Star - Would You Be a Batman’s Robin?

Episode Date: July 9, 2023

Batman needs another little boy to help him fight crime and we know just the three little boys to help! But first we have some questions. The first being can we have a part-time job or do we get an allowance for being a good little boy? What’s the go with our current living parents and does it matter that we’re older than Bruce? Either way Jackson chooses to be an Oracle after he gets puffed doing two very slow and not good forward rolls, JD has the brilliant idea of painting a target on himself and Zammit takes no responsibility for the man he just murdered. So let’s load up the bat-computer with viruses from all these sweet free pornos, blow our secret cover by ordering too many ubereats to the bat-cave and distract Batman with this sweet bat-playlist we made him when he bat-fights bat-crime.Buy our terrible merch here and check out the Bad Brain Boys on Apple Podcasts at apple.co/badbrainboys. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Ahem, ahem. You're listening to the Sans Pants Network. Hey everyone and welcome to this week's episode of Plumbing the Death Star. I'm Joel. I'm Jackson. And I'm also Joel. Ah, yeehaw! This is a podcast where we ask the important questions, like, would you be a Batman's Robin? The Batmans.

He's put, like, what, an ad in Craigslist? I'm Batman. A new Robin. Old one dead. Old one dead, gone to Bloodhaven. Oh, I hate my son. I don't know which one. It's funny to look at Craigslist because I don't know if a Robin gets paid.

Are we looking for a job? Do we think this is a job? Is being a Robin a job? Do you get paid? You get adopted by Bruce Wayne. You get adopted, so I guess you don't really get paid, but you get an allowance for being a good little boy. Can I have another job if I'm Robin? Can I be like Robin and sell hot dogs in Central Park or whatever?

Is that your dream job? Yeah. Those guys get the most pussy. Yeah, the dog fellas. They are drowning in it, bro. They're fucking sucking it fucking so much. They're universally considered the sexiest profession. man you can't be serving up dogs that good not fucking serving up the same amount of dick My ideal job. Yeah, I think I'd enjoy it. Yeah, that's awesome. But yeah, can I also work on the side?

Or would Batman be offended if I did that? Well, Bruce Wayne is working on the side. Yeah, that's true. Kind of. Jason Todd, what's the one that he got because he was stealing hubcaps? Yeah. I think that's Jason Todd. So I guess his side hustle was criminal.

Yeah, but did he? For some reason, I reason i'm like mechanic i think he like car i guess you could have uh i guess it's a similar thing of like well i i'm from a wealthy family so what i'm i'm doing is kind of more as a hobby yeah i need to live i'm doing this as a bit of fun on the side that gets me out of robinning so i I don't necessarily need a full-time job, not even a part-time job, but probably like a semi-casual job is kind of what you want. You kind of don't need to earn money from it. Because if Bruce Wayne is like bankrolling us. He's covering your expenses.

What does Robin do? I almost said, I went to say Jason Todd. I was like, that's not the Robin I meant. What I actually meant to say was Dick Grayson, but I almost said Bruce Wayne and that would have derailed

everything what does like Dick Grayson and stuff like that do when Bruce Wayne is Bruce Wayne yeah I was gonna

ask do you have to then adopt a because some of the Robins are his like wards in that like they're Bruce Wayne's

wards where it's considered so he's just followed they're just following him around yeah oh they're like he they are his adopted sons are we older than Bruce Wayne's wards where it's considered. So they're just following him around. Yeah, or they're like his adopted sons.

Are we older than Bruce Wayne? Yes. Yeah, I think so. Yes. We're older Robins. Is that fucked up? Yes. It feels a little odd.

Like Dick Grayson is also a gymnast. Yeah, that's true. That is his profession. Yeah. But does he. Well, circus worker. But does he still work at the circus when he's robbing? Well, they're all the same.

Well, they got shot. That's true. The circus lawyer. Yeah, yeah. Well, here's another problem with us becoming robins. We have living parents. Yes. Does Batman care?

I feel if I was to tell mum, dad, you know wealthy, eccentric, billionaire Bruce Wayne. Does Batman care? If I was to tell mom and dad, you know wealthy, eccentric, billionaire Bruce Wayne. You have Wayne Tech industry. Yeah, so he'd want to adopt me. Are you guys okay with this? No offense. No offense, but I'm not going to call you mom and dad. I have to emancipate myself from you two.

Yeah. It's like a money-making thing. Guys, he's a billionaire. Yeah so I can, it's like a money making thing. Like, like guys, he's a billionaire. Yeah, I can. You do not, like, whatever. It's just. It means nothing. He's going to be happy.

He wants me to call him dad a lot. I don't know why, but he wants that. And I'll be rich and I can buy you a nice house. Yeah. And we can live very comfortably. Yeah. I will have to tell him that you are dead. And he is a detective sometimes.

So he'll like, so you guys guys gotta be on the fucking DL don't you he will he will find you and he will make me orphan so he will adopt me for real so you be careful

this has become less appealing the more you're talking about he's a maniac the more scared I am he's so rich he could kill you

in no no he's like he will face no consequences you will disappear like you've never been I don't stop telling me this. You need to know the dangers.

Well, okay. Obviously, for the sake of the question, we have to assume Batman will adopt us. Yeah. He's 29 when he first gets a Robin, which makes us older than that. It's very funny. But do you think we have skills that he could use? Because, you know, Batman looks at the Robins. He sees them as utility.

Well, no, because he looks at the Robins for a certain, like, oh, look, the people that become Robin is a certain thing. Because other people that he looks at them for certain skills, they use as other skills. Oh, that's true. Like Oracle, it's like, well, you can't be a Robin, which is very insulting, Batman. I could be a Robin. It's so funny to imagine Batman picking me to be an Oracle. Robin, Robin, Oracle, Batman. I have so many computers in front of me.

He's like, give me the layout for the building. And I'm like, uh-uh. I still play Dark Souls. Jackson, I need that. And I'm just going to Google, factory layout. I can hear you typing. It's so slow. Yeah.

Surely it's about, like, there's certain people in Batman's life or Bruce Wayne's life that it's like, you know, well, like, okay, well, you can't be a Batgirl or a Batrobin or whatever. Or you can't be like a Duke Thomas. Like, yeah. So what? Can we do the Robin thing, man? Can we be Robin? I can't. Can you do a somersault?

At the least. I haven't done a somersault or a cartwheel since I was maybe not a teenager or maybe a teenager. I reckon I could do a somersault. I am confident. A somersault as in like a flip or just rolling on the ground? Not a flip, just a somersault. Just rolling.

I should try. We don't have the space. You make it sound like you're going to try in here. Yeah, that's what I'm thinking of doing. There's not enough space. I'm doing it. Okay. See, I reckon I could probably do a cartwheel.

I'm about to get kicked here. Okay. No. You can't. Okay. No. The answer is no. Okay.

Do you want to try again? I need you to come to me in a straight line. So you have to come to me. All right, that's a bit better. Yeah, okay. Yeah, yeah. Okay, so to give everyone an indication, Jackson did two very slow forward rolls. The first one kind of had the energy of an old man falling over.

You did an L. Like, you were in L shape. It was like... I fucked it up. Yeah, it was like when... I'm puffed. That shouldn't have required any physical energy, really. I don't know.

It's tiring. I'll just have to lie to Batman. Yeah, I can do somersaults. I can do a flip Not now I'll do it on the day Sorry I just ate So I'm heavy

Yeah I I don't I don't think I can do a cartwheel I reckon I I don't think I can do a cartwheel But I think I could do a cartwheel Yeah yeah

Like yeah yeah Is it the kind of thing where you're like Does Robin need to do cartwheels though? Yeah Why? Well the point of The point of Robin He should do Right Is that he's a distraction.

He's very bright. So Batman can come up behind the goon and donk him in the back of the head or whatever. We could be a distraction. We could be a distraction. We're distracting, but the problem is... I'll just put a target, like literally wear a hat that has a big target on it. And they just walk up and be like, hello, fellas. A hat, like a baseball cap.

So they shoot you in the forehead. Not like a bulletproof vest maybe. No, no, no, no, no. Like a target there on your chest. Oh my god,

I lost another one. I lost, which one was this? Target. It's so funny when Batman crouched behind a crate. They shot him

right between the eyes. Batman crouched behind a crate. He sees you sneak out like across the sort of like where the shipping lane or whatever. You just pull on the cap and he's crouched behind a crate. He sees you sneak out like across the sort of like where the shipping lane or whatever.

You just pull on the cap and he's like no, no, no. Take it off. No, no, no. It's gonna be good. No, no, no, no. Bang.

Fuck. Another one. Wasn't even the joke that he did this time. Hey, the goon. He's not coming back. Boss, he's got a target on his head what are you doing he's telling you what it was a trick yeah it's a trick no it's not it seems like a trick

it seems like don't shoot the target then shoot him in the gut what if it's all a trick? What's the trick? No, I know it's... Oh no, he's bleeding on the ground. Sean and the crew would hesitate enough though to be like, uh... And then, well you think in that brief moment Batman saves your ass. That's the plan. When they're like, what the fuck? Batman comes out and donks their hands together.

And then Batman gives you this look like, what are you doing? And then I give him the thumbs up. We're doing good! Target, you are the most annoying sidekick. You're not acrobatic. You just walk in the middle of the fucking... You got, like, a baseball cap with a goddamn target on. You're in a hoodie.

You're hunched over. You're not even wearing the Robin costume, dude. My legs won't look good in it. I don't need it, dude. I just got the target. I got thunder thighs, Batman! That Robin costume, dude. My legs won't look good in it. I don't need it. I don't need it, dude. I just got the target. I got thunder thighs, Batman. That's enough, brother. You can have targets all over your body.

Oh, that's a good idea. Yeah. Or is one target less suspicious than many targets? I feel like that either way, because like Bullseye, obviously not a Batman villain, but he has a target in the middle of his head. Yeah. True. And that doesn't make people want to shoot it. No.

But if you had a target in the middle of a baseball cap, I would be confused. I would be thrown. If you had a target costume, I would think your power had something to do with targeting. Yeah. And then I might be scared, because I'm like, maybe you've got bullseye powers, so you're going to throw an ale at me

or whatever. See, I don't know. I think if he had the target on the cap, that makes me think he's got a gun. Yeah, yeah, true. But then the target... What if I yell, I have a bomb? That's a distraction. I'm confused because I'm like, why has he got the target? And then you go, I have a bomb. And I'm like, he has a bomb? I am thrown by

this thing. Yeah, and then, who comes up behind you? Batman. I guess by our obnoxious selves, we could just be distracting. I have a bum! Why are you saying he has a bum? What are we talking about? We should distract him for a bit. I've got a bum! What's good as well is that you aren't necessarily associated with Batman.

So when Batman starts knocking heads, they're not going to be like, well, shoot that guy. No. Because they just think you're a stranger who wandered onto the scene or whatever. To be honest, if you were like, I'm Bomb Man, I've got a bomb. Yeah.

And you're like, okay, Batman, we're working together. I'm your psychic, Rudy. Yeah. Batman and Mr. Bomb. That's fine. It's cool. So, you know

We're like okay You go in and you're like I've got a bomb And maybe you strap up Some like dynamite Maybe like fake dynamite Because that way When Batman comes in

And he biffs the goons Yeah And then he pretends To biff me And then it's like A bit of a bait and switch Oh okay Wait what?

I don't know I like being very Unconfident I don't know At the end of it. You cover yourself in bombs. So basically, it's kind of like... Batman fights you, pretend.

So basically, Batman will get the goons. And then, as they're like semi-conscious, they're like, you know, he gets me. And it's like, oh, see, I too hate Batman. Let me join your club, baby. Oh, so you're trying to be a spy. You're a spy for Batman. Yeah, And then I become a spy for Batman. How long do you reckon it lasts? I reckon maybe three minutes.

When the Joker's like, all right, bum man, kill this man. What have they done? What have they done? I mean, sure. Let me take him to my place to kill him. You must kill him now. With a filleting knife. Okay. Look it up in the rafters.

All right, then. Let me sharpen the knife. I'm more of a bomb guy. Yeah, can I blow him up with a bomb? Yes. Fuck. Let me, I'll, yeah, make one of your bombs activate or whatever. Are there real bombs on you?

That's dangerous. I'll put a bomb in his mouth and a lighter. My man. I'm sorry, I got coughed. Oh, this big lighter. Click, click'm sorry, I got caught. Oh, this big lighter. Click, click. Oh, it seems to... Oh, it's out.

Do you have a light? You do? Okay. Messaging, just talking to me in your earpiece as the Oracle, being like, hey, can you get me out of here? I'm like, where the fuck is anything? I'm trying to plug the computer in. I knocked it open with my shoe or whatever.

I got a text. I just got to... I just got to... I'm got to just check this real quick. Sorry, Joker. Be with Batman. Where are you? Don't want to kill this man. But I will if I have to.

I'm going to give you 60 seconds, and then I'm going to have to fucking kill this motherfucker. Send. Yeah, just wait a few. Yeah, just prep. Batman messaging me being like, why is the phones out? I'm like, I tripped on a wire. The whole Bat family can't communicate with each other.

I'm sorry. It's just like, where are you? Are you coming? Are you doing? I'm going to do it. I've done it. I'm sad. I'm very upset.

This is, his blood is on your hands, Bruce. Yeah. He exploded so big. The bombs were real. The bombs were real. I think I got the Joker, too, so you're welcome. Very funny. Where the fuck were you?

I didn't want this. I'm checking myself into Arkham. I'm having a break. I blew up two men. Well, yeah, that went bad. It's good for when the Oracle plugs the computer back in and Batman gets all the messages. Batman looking at it just looks up at me.

I'm on the floor. Sweat. My hair's going. I got six seconds to... What's wrong? Did he do it? Do what? Is everything all right?

No. The Joker's dead. Well, that's a win, I think, for us. So is innocent man. Oh, well, you win some. But man is having a psychotic break. I'll activate security measures, and I press a button and just half of Gotham bloats up. Oh, that's not meant to do that.

To be honest, Batman, this is on you for rigging a lot of bombs under the city. I don't know how computers work. I am a lover. I really shouldn't how computers work. I am a Luddite. I really shouldn't have been made the oracle of this team. Calling me on your headpiece, but I'm getting food at the door. All you can hear is like, what's it like being an Uber Eats guy? The hour's good. That's nice.

Hang on a second. You hear me ruffling. I had a hamburger in this as well or something. Is it in the car? You're shot, meanwhile. Also, probably pissed at me that I gave the address of the fucking Oracle cave to Uber Eats. It's just an apartment, right? No, isn't it like in a clock tower?

Either way. Sorry, just coming down from my secret base. It's like all this Uber eats at one o'clock in the hour. That's interesting. I wonder what's going on. He does call it a secret base pretty often, too. Okay, so our Robin strategies to endear ourselves to Batman didn't work terribly well. Well, we all got hired.

That's true. It just sadly ended with me being shot. Mr. Bombs ending up in prison. And the Oracle fired. Well, is there something you think you could... I mean, obviously we did just try to do that for Batman. It didn't work out, but that was in a Robin role. Yeah. Is there like

another thing you think you could bring to Batman as a sidekick? I was going to say butler, but he famously has one of those. He does have a butler. Yeah. He could be like an under butler. Oh, yeah. An under butler.

Because Alfred will die one day. Alfred will die one day soon. He is old. That could be your opening pitch. Sometimes he does die. Yeah, exactly. Sometimes Alfred dies, Bruce. Hire me.

Sorry for saying your real name. I figured it out. He had a nanny at one point Yeah that's true I think he had a nanny first Yeah What's her name again? Mrs. Bigglesworth

I want to say Ethel But I don't think that's right What did you say? Ethel but Ethel Bigglesworth Yeah yeah Ethel Bigglesworth Bigglesworth's the name of the cat

In Austin Palace It's funny my brain went there Yeah Batman's nanny Well like Could you do Like the butler Bigglesworth's the name of the cat in Austin Palace. It's funny my brain went there. Yeah. Batman's nanny. Well, like, could you do, like, the butler? Can you sew Batman up after he's been shot? You know how to get a bullet out of a guy?

Well, I feel that really goes beyond butlering. Yes, that's true. I mean, what are the, like, general, like, I guess, duties of a butler? Well, I think, yeah. Because I'm like, I could be a chef. Oh, yeah, that's true. I'm not a great one. I'm not a trained chef. But I can cook Batman some. Well, I think, yeah. Because I'm like, I could be a chef. Oh, yeah, that's true. I'm not a great one. I'm not a trained chef. But I can cook Batman some, like, nice vodka sauce pasta.

He'd love one. But the thing with Batman is that does he, like... I know a lot of carb-heavy food. Yeah, that's true. You're going to make a sleepy Batman. Thinking of my repertoire, it's mostly, like, pasta sauces. Yeah, yeah. And you kind of pair that with pasta.

Yeah, that's true. And I don't want to make him a zoodle. No. I refuse. You don't want a spaghettified Batman. Well, not spaghettified like if you go in a black hole, but like he's eating too much spaghetti

fighting Bane or whatever. I don't know what Batman's balanced diet needs, you know? Yeah, what does a Batman eat? Protein. A lot of protein. Chicken and rice. I feel he exercises a lot.? Protein. A lot of protein. Chicken and rice. I feel he exercises a lot.

And he does a lot of work that really is just about calories, right? Yeah. He's eating nothing but shakes. Probably. On the go. A little pouch full of it. Tucking it down while he's swinging across the rooftop or whatever. I could write good press about him, I think.

You could write good press? All right I think. You could write good press? All right, go. What's happening? I'll do the spin. Batman has fought Two-Face. Uh-huh. Okay. Former corrupt mayor of Gotham.

Two-Face. Judge? Lawyer? I'm already off to a bad start. Defeated by our city's caped crusader Yeah What about Okay

I think instead of doing print media You should be on the news with that Maybe PR Like someone that comes and asks questions about Batman's recent activities I could do that Give me questions Well we noticed that Batman was fighting Respected ex-mayor.

Mm-hmm. Two-face. Yes. I mean, Harvey Dent. Harvey Dent was trying to dip a prosecutor in acid, though. That doesn't sound like Harvey Dent. What? That sounds like Batman.

He's a menace. I saw it. I saw it. He had a tragic- You saw it. Yeah. I saw it, too. Yeah. Harvey Dent it too. Yeah.

Harvey then had an unfortunate incident where it scarred half his face. Yeah, that's right. Because of the Batman. And now Batman's punching him in said face. Because he's trying to put a fella in acid. What the hell, you fool. You know that Two-Face looks like that because of Batman, yeah? Yeah.

Well, Batman's very sorry. What do you mean? Are you right now admitting that the reason Darby then is Batman's fault? Not Batman's fault. But he just said we know it is and you said yes.

It's not Batman's fault exactly. Hey, hey, editor. Editor got a bigger scoop. Batman's PI guy just admitted the two faces is his fault. Hey, Batman, editor! Editor, I got a bigger scoop! Batman's PI guy just admitted the two faces his fault. Hey, Batman, it's your PI guy. It's Jackson. Yeah, I'm doing good. Are you, like, would you be super upset if the, like, I just wasn't clear what people can and can't know, and I may have, like, just about, like, you know how you made Harvey Dent?

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Uh-huh. Okay. Would he be mad? I'm fine.

This is the end of the press conference, everybody. I have been let go. Thank you. Thank you, everyone. Have a lovely day. I also like that you're claiming you could be able to do good PR for Batman like no one else could. And you've just given the, it's good that Batman punched Two-Face. Yeah. I mean, you could do a, you know, okay, here's what was happening in Gotham.

You know, Batman has stopped all these particular crimes. All this kind of stuff has happened. You know, Two-Face, Riddler was on the loose, whatever. But don't worry, Batman has stopped them and put, like, an Arkham on the thing. And it's like, excuse me, hey, well, he's not really solving the problem, is he? I mean, he's going to Arkham and be like, but that's not really Batman's job, is it? That's your elected officials. Maybe you

should, you know, vote better. Batman doesn't run Arkham Asylum. No. He just puts the crooks in, you know, he puts them away. He goes out extra. He does what the cops can't. Yeah. Yeah, arrest Two-Face. Yeah. Cops really struggle with that. We do.

He used to be a good guy. I feel if you start doing, he does what the cops don't, you're going to get the police union. I have been sent to an insane asylum by the police. They said I was crazy. I'm not. This is just something cops do. And then I'm killed in Arkham.

Yeah. Oh, you work for Batman, don't you? No, I'm not good at my job. I'm not good at my job. I think we're going to make you share a cell with Clayface. Oh, he's scary and can become me and then kill me? I think he kills you first. Oh.

What about, this is something I could do, and as we've seen, I'm not very competent in any position I'm put in So maybe I could be Like Is there a kind of job Where you go into another job Maybe it's like And just fuck up

A job where you go into another job And fuck up Like Batman hires me To become one of Joker's goons And wreck his every Like corporate espionage But accidentally You know

Like okay So my original plan Yeah Go in there But deliberately Well not as a spy Just as a goon like corporate espionage but accidentally you know like okay so my original plan yeah go in there but deliberately well not as a spy just as a goon and I'll just do

such a bad job it will hamper the jokers what do you reckon is going to happen if you do a bad job as one of Joker's goons well that's hopefully when Batman gets me out

oh yeah just going to text him sorry Joker are you mad at me just kill me let me just get my like hanging upside down above a vat of acid

I'm just gonna get my phone out and it just slips out of my pocket oh well nevermind do you know

how far I can go I just gotta make a quick call before my head becomes a skull I appreciate it

Batman saves me but just like just after my hair was touched like a fryer duck going on where were you a friar duck going on. Where were you?

A friar duck with an exposed skull. He's completely just furious at Batman. Batman, what the fuck? You've made a villain today. You've made an enemy and a villain and a very sick man. I have a very, very obvious weak spot. My exposed brain. If somebody were to tap me on the head like a buzzer in a game show, I will fucking die, Batman, and you did that.

God damn you. Where are they going for dinner? He's going to scratch your head. Oh, wow. the dinner he's a scratch your head oh oh

oh but one month later new villain in the scene weak swan or fry attack Batman being like

why I know so how to defeat him so easily just tap him on the I don't want to

because that'll kill him yeah just tap him gently on the head aha Batman no why would you do that? You did this!

You should wear something on top of it. I've made you a cow. No. I don't want your pity, Batman. I need people to see what happened to me. But now give me the cow. I do need to protect my exposed skull. I didn't see a doctor.

Didn't see a doctor didn't see a doctor yeah no probably should have yeah could you be i guess like a mechanic could i yeah look i can i can look after my own god never mind yeah when the batman from the record please when batman stops driving the same like the same building that's about to explode because we attached the gas gasket wrong or whatever, and he calls us up in the Batcave and we got our legs up in the Batcomputer looking at porn or whatever.

Did you guys change the oil? Oil? What? Cars don't have oil, dude. They think of chips. Yeah, cars have petrol, idiot. Cars have four wheels and some gas. Are you thinking of the gas? Because we didn't touch it. We just assumed it was at least half a tank.

There's no dials, man. I don't know what the hell that means. I can't figure out a bat car, dude. I can barely figure out a bat. I guess we can't mechanic. What else does Batman need? What about a tech for the bat computer, you know? Once again.

Yeah. Yeah. See, it's August 3 how that's going to that's gonna go oh well what does he need done uh let's let's see i guess research uh about doing that side of things okay what were you thinking if there's like a virus i install mcafee just like, what would you do? Oh, no, there's malware on Batman's computer. I wasn't looking at porn. So deny his step one. I wasn't looking at any shady sites, Batman. I don't know how that got on there.

That's crazy. And then? Then I called probably a friend that knows more about IT than I do. Hey, man, I was looking at some pornos on the Batcomputer and they all yeah, I work for Batman. Under Wayne Manor. Why? Why?

I'll text you the address. You can come figure it out because I can figure it out. I'll order us pizza. Yeah, I got the Batcredit card. On fucking Uncle Bruce's dime. Yeah, under Bruce Wayne Manor. Yeah. Uncle Bruce Wayne's murder. Because he's Bruce Wayne.

Yeah. Yeah, Batman. Yeah, sorry. I thought you knew. Just swivel around. Batman's there just staring at you. I might have to

call you back. But don't worry, Peter's coming. In like five minutes, I don't know. Sorry, Batman, my friend's super annoying. What can I do for you?

Punched in the head. Punched so hard that you become weak spot again. Okay, well, I'm not doing so well. Yeah, it's really hard to think of something that I have the skills, and I could probably become Batman's driver. Oh, yeah? Can you drive better than Bruce Wayne, maybe? You could be chauffeur.

I could definitely drive better than Bruce. Well, I could just drive Bruce Wayne. That's what I mean. Yeah, you could drive. I don't need to be really that good. He definitely could drive the Batmobile better than me, but maybe it's handy to have someone who could drive the Batmobile. Yeah.

Batman and Robin, he doesn't want to give the Batmobile control to Robin. Yeah. But you are older than Robin. Robin's like a child. Yeah. He doesn't have a license. Chris O'Donnell is unbelievable as a child. He's a teen.

What about this? You're a musical guy. I'm a musical guy. Yeah, you like bands. Oh, yeah, the official Batman playlist. Yeah, you could make him play. So what, for the Batcave? Wouldn't he be listening to the fucking police scanner the whole time?

That's a good point. Well, you can have two radios, one for the sweet playlist, one for the scanner. Batman will be like, there's so much noise in the Batmobile. What do you mean, Batman? You've got to tune things out,

you've got to focus on the music sometimes, there's a little background thing going, and you focus in on the police. Maybe I should become one of those guys that's driving around listening to a police scanner all the time. I think so. It's cool.

If you're not going to do anything about it, it's cool. Yeah, because I think driving for Bruce Wayne seems like a doable job. Yeah, but I guess it's not Batman's Robin job. That's a Bruce Wayne's henchman job. I was like, oh, I could maybe help Bruce Wayne

with his laundry. Oh, yeah. But that's really helping Alfred. Stay in your lane, Master Zamet. But also I feel Alfred does like a much better job because I'm like, yeah, I just chucked it in the wash, put it on like a dark mode, there it goes, and then just chucked it in the dryer. Ironed?

Huh? Final ironing. Folded? I like the folding aspect, but the ironing, I'm like, come on. What about like folding a shirt? That is annoying. Folding a shirt's annoying. Youing, I'm like, come on. What about folding a shirt? That is annoying. Folding a shirt's annoying. You hang a shirt, Bruce.

Come on. What about when Bruce Wayne is going to an event? This is for Bruce Wayne again, not Batman. But Bruce Wayne's going to an event, but he's not there yet. He needs someone to sit in his seat. I could do that. A bench warmer. I could warm his bench.

I was going to say, well, could I be eye candy for Bruce Wayne? Oh, yeah, that's good. So, a dude and someone to sit in his chair. Yeah, so he's like, I need someone to come to this fancy ball. And I'll be like, don't worry, I've already tidied myself up, Bruce. Come, I've got this. I'm going to make us look gorgeous. And Jackson's interrupting, be like, don't worry, I'm already sitting on your chair.

Your chair's warm as hell, dude. Thanks, my brother. Can you go get us two whiskey sours? One whiskey sour. Unfortunately, I'm only here to warm the chair. And then I must leave. Bruce Wayne being like, this chair is really warm. I have a warm little bottom.

I'm going to be honest, maybe a couple of farts came out. You want the chair warm, don't you? That's not a literal thing. Well, I misunderstood. Have a nice night. What about someone to encourage bad things? Like a hype man, but for the wrong choice. Oh, okay.

Yeah. Give me an example. Like Batman is like, oh, you know, hey, should I eat, say, this delicious heavy pasta for dinner? Or should I have this lovely grilled chicken salad? I'm like, Batman, be bad. Okay. Why does he want that? I guess someone to encourage him.

He hates that. Yeah, but sometimes he needs to let his head down. Sometimes he has to make a bad choice. He goes, I don't know, maybe he's getting a coffee, and he's like, I'm just going to get like a skinny latte. I'm like, Batman, get the birthday cake express.

You're not going to regret it. It's going to be good. I think Batman will end up making a villain out of you as well just because he'll be sick of your shit. Batman,

do a baggy. Come on. Why not? Alfred sometimes is like, dinner master Bruce. That's my Alfred sometimes is like, dinner, Master Bruce. That's my Alfred. Dinner, Master Bruce.

Dinner, Master Bruce. And Batman's like, fuck off, Alfred. I'm hungry. All right, then, Master Bruce, in the dustbin it goes. Enjoy starving to death. Okay, is the reason he doesn't want to eat food he's too busy? Yeah. Okay, so what if I was to pre-chew his food Oh, okay

And then spit it into his mouth like a baby bird While he's sleeping While he's sleeping Really living up to the Robin name Yeah That's a good idea Because he kills two birds with one stone then He can sleep and eat

And then he doesn't need to waste time at dinner or something Do people chew in their sleep? Well, he doesn't need to His exam is pre-chewed people chew in their sleep? Well, he doesn't need to. It's pre-chewed. Yeah, but even if it's pre-chewed... That's going to rub his neck. Yeah. Do you reckon that'll wake him up?

Nah, he sleeps like a brick. Do you reckon that'll wake him up and he'll choke you out? Bruce Wayne sleeps like a brick. He is fine. Does he? I think he famously does not. Surely he'd be quite alert. He's too busy being Batman.

Ties a man out. He's got to sleep sometime, I suppose. Yeah. What if he does the Michael Keaton sleeping upside down thing? How are you going to do that then? Get the food in him. You put it in his mouth and then you spin him. He rotates around and then it goes down him.

You think that's gonna work? No What about someone To read him a bedtime story To help him sleep I don't think he's got time I haven't seen me Batman Go to sleep like that

I think you gotta help him Sometimes he doesn't even Get changed out of his bad suit Before going to sleep Yeah Clean the bad suit That's probably disgusting Oh filthy

Tuck him up that motherfucker That's probably disgusting. Oh, filthy. Tuck him up that motherfucker. Yeah, I'll squirt it with a hose or whatever. You'll need to squirt it with a hose first. It will be very dirty inside. Very dirty. It is tricky to think

of anything that you could ever provide Batman. What about, okay, say you were in peak physical condition and you knew how to fight. Or you could be trained how to fight.

You're very acrobatic. Would you be a Robin then? Not now as you are but in a world where we have the physique and the skills of Robin would you do it? I mean... Yeah, I reckon I would. Something to do.

Feel good about yourself. Kill some guys. I mean taken care of financially. So Batman is kind of like my daddy yeah like this yeah yeah yeah i guess this is a thing i have to do for money but yes does he physically give you money or is this just like i'm paying for you to live now meaning that you can't save for the future and also you can't do anything like fun with your money it's not like if you were like hey batman i'm gonna go on a trip to Ibiza or whatever.

Yeah. He'd probably be like, well, wrong. Wrong. You're going to protect Gotham from crooks. Yeah. Justice. Yeah. I might have tied myself to an insane boat here.

Yeah. I think I reckon I could probably do that for maybe, let's say, a few years. Okay. Because chances are I'm probably going to age out of being a Robin. Yeah. And then I get to either injure myself for realsies, or at least fake an injury. Oh, and disappear.

And be like, I can't. I'm so sorry. My knee's been blown down. I've got to retire to Ibiza and have some fun time on a beach. And he's like, no. You're going to be Batman. You're my new Oracle. And I'm like, God damn it.

Yeah, that's true. So I think no matter what you do. Because it's for life. Yeah. It is for life. Death is your only escape. Yeah. Oh, wait.

It's a family, right? Yeah. What if I get adopted by someone else? Do you think Bruce Wayne would hate this? Do you think that would be a betrayal? I think he would be offended, yes. If I was like, I'm being adopted by someone else, and he'd be like. Try and get adopted by Harvey Dent.

Okay. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. Call yourself Half Face. I imagine you've got exactly the same burn. Because he could have been called Half Face. He could have been called Half Face. Yeah.

Well, it seems like unless you die, and also. Which happens a lot. Which happens a lot. Which happens a lot. It's very possible. Only one's, right? Only one Robin's dead. Yeah. And maybe a Batwoman?

Stephanie Brown dies sometimes, I think, who is a Robin. Yes. That's the future one? Yeah. Because Jason Todd, he's the one who got crowbarred, but don't worry, he got better. He fell in a Lazarus pit. He's good. He's killing it.

I guess it's always the problem of having Batman as your dad slash protector slash, I guess, everything. Joker will want to kill you. Well, not just that, but even if it's a sweet release of death, he might grab your corpse and just slop you into a Lazarus pit, and you're like, eh. Plus, I think I don't have the fight that a Robin does, so if Joker killed me, I would die. Yeah. Joker punches you in the stomach.

You're like, oh. That's it. I'm falling over. I'm like, you killed me like Houdini, Joker. He Houdinied me, Batman. Motherfucker. The guy, the magician. Last words.

And then Batman's, the last words you hear will be Houdini drowned. Batman uses my dying breath to correct me. So fucking rude, man. He drowned. He couldn't escape his final trap. That's what I say in response because I'm fucking dead. Yeah, I think, yeah.

Batman doesn't care. Alright, Batman, I'll be the distraction. I'll jump around. But the moment someone shot at me, I'm like, whoa! Fucking time out! Everyone time out! You know what? I quit. I can't be doing this. What do you mean he's got a gun? I thought I was just going to be doing flips and shit.

And now I'm getting shot at? Can you quit? Can you genuinely be like... Yeah, I have Nightwing quits. Oh, that's true. Nightwing becomes Nightwing. He's like, I can't be fucking dealing with Gotham. Let me deal with Bluthaven. But can you full on be like, the Batman in life is not for me. I'm just going to live in the mansion and be your son.

No, you probably couldn't quit like that. You could probably quit. If you quit being Robin, you think you have to quit being... Nah, I reckon you could try and do this. So you're like, Dad, stop trying to mold me into you. I'm not you. I'm not going to follow in your footsteps.

Isn't that Damien Wayne's thing? Let me be my own man. It doesn't work out well. If it is, that sucks. He's a cunt kid. He's raised to be a killer, though. I'm not raised to be an assassin. No, no, no.

I sadly was. I think if you knew enough about Bruce Wayne's parents and all that kind of stuff, and just to be like, let me be a kid. Let me be your son. You never had a childhood where he's like, Jackson, you're 31. Yeah, I know. Let me be a boy, Bruce. Let me be a little boy again and wear

overalls with really short shorts and a cap with a little propeller on the top. I've put on my cap with the target on it again. And I've got a gun. Wait, what? We're playing. We're being little boys again.

Yeah. See, I got these fake bombs. Yeah. Yeah. I think it doesn't work as like, you know, mid 30 year old men, but I think at the ripe old age, you know, robinning age, which is where they tend to get you. I think you could, you could be like, look, Batman, I am a literal teenager. I don't need to be fired at.

Let me have a childhood. Yeah, let me have a childhood. And then that's so funny when you're at home playing Xbox and the Bat family comes over and all the other robins are fucking scarred and shot with guns. You want to play Mario Party, Damien? I just saw a bunch of people die. Oh, that sounds sad. I saw Mario die.

Yeah, but then he got better because he got another of those green mushrooms. Well, they're called one-ups, Damien Wave. Do you want to play Mario Golf? I'm up to world three out of eight. It's really hard. Yeah, there's an underwater part that's tricky. Yeah, you drown a lot. A gloober got me. Like Houdini.

You heard about the tragedy of Harry Houdini, Damien? He drowned. He tried to break out of a thing underwater, but he drowned. The audience clapped a bit, but then they were like, oh, no. Damien Wayne pale and shaking. I'm sorry if Houdini's

that scared. Let me get you some orange juice. It's actually similar to Damien Wayne pale and shaking I'm sorry if Houdini's death scared me Let me get you some orange juice It's actually similar to Near Death that happened In the movie Now You See Me But also almost happened in real life Because they accidentally messed up the trick I've watched a lot of movies

I don't have much to do with the matter Yeah I guess I'm spending Your money huh I guess I'm spending your money, huh? I guess I'm in a way having your childhood. That's neat, isn't it? So yeah, what could we all bring to Bruce Wayne? A child.

Yeah, we could be a child for him. And we'll have the childhood of every Robin that was robbed of one. We'll have the ultimate childhood, and yes, they will grow to resent us. Yes, they will. But I think the biggest thing that we have is that we are young at heart

yeah and we have boy like mischief energy yeah so we could imagine the hijinks that we could get up to in Wayne Manor

when the bat family are bat familying around exactly to only be then you know yelled at by you know

one of the batmen and then someone else come to our defense. Alfred will raise us, though. I'm going to call him Grandfather. No, but imagine us being... Grandpa Alfred. I'm going to call him Groppy. Us being mischievous, being like, oh, he done this.

Then Batman comes in and starts yelling at us, and Barbara's there is like, well, they're only misbehaving because you're never here, Bruce. And it's going to be like, I think Batman would love us because we're living like a carefree childhood. And I think that would make the other Robins hate us even more. Yeah. Batman would come home and be like, what did you get up to? And we're like, we played Super Mario for two hours.

I rode my bike inside. Dusha rode his bike inside. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We made a ramp out of that painting. You know, the one. I don't know. The custom. Oh, fuck. I don't know who they are. But we made a ramp out of that painting, you know, the one, I don't know, the custom old fox, I don't know who they are, but we made a sweet ramp.

He rode down the stairs on the bike and smashed the front door window. We also broke three vases. Yeah. And Jackson hit Alfred. I threw an apple at him. I said, dog. I said, dog, because it was not shocking that I would do that. Batman being like, you scabs.

And the rest of the Robins being like, we'll kill you. Try your worst, Robin. Yeah, you kill us. Imagine how sad your dad will be. Anyway, we're going to all ride the same dirt bike in the lounge room. We do, don't we? Yeah. Rack a rug.

So could we be Batman's Robin? No, but we could be Batman's sons. And on that note. Yeah. Rack a rug. So could we be Batman's Robin? No, but we could be Batman's sons. And on that note, I've been Joel. I've been Jackson. We could have said that in unison too and it would have still made sense as we are both called Joel. That is correct about this podcast. It should have

really been called the two Joels. It is pretty crazy. Nearly 500 episodes in, The Plum and the Duster has three hosts and two of them have the same name and it's not like the most common name? I feel like people We don't talk about it enough. People did talk about it a bit, but every now and then

I'm like, that is dumb. There are two full-on Joel's in this podcast. Name another podcast with two guys with the same name in it when there's only three people in it. You can't fucking do it. Because it's bad marketing. It's confusing. Yeah. And I know I'm not a Joel, but? Because it's bad marketing. It's confusing. Yeah. And I know I'm not a Joel, but still a Jackson is another J. Joel, Joel, and Jack.

Oh, my God. It's fucked up, dude. Yeah, we fucked this. Well, really, our parents did. Oh, yeah.