rSlash - r/Bestof I Married a Murderer

Episode Date: October 8, 2023

0:00 Intro 0:12 Tough situation 5:19 Awful husband and SIL Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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You know what to do. Bet on it. Point Spets Sportsbook and Casino. Welcome to our slash best of reddered or updates, where OP may have married a murderer. Our next reddit post comes from our slash Muslim marriage. Salam alaikum. I'm looking for guidance or comfort because I'm in a difficult situation

and I'm struggling with how to proceed. I'm a 29 year old woman who's Canadian and I'm at my how to proceed. I'm a 29 year old woman who's Canadian, and I met my now husband who's 29 and an Egyptian Canadian in early 2021 by a dating app. We also had some mutual friends at the same university. I quickly fell for him, and after a year we got engaged. Two months later, we had our cat-bakedop, which is an Islamic ceremony.

It was very small and had immediate family only. Okay, I looked that up and apparently a Kotbik Top is a Muslim marriage ceremony where you're not expected to live together afterwards because for whatever reason you just can't live together. I might be misunderstanding this if I am, let me know in the comments. Our wedding reception is in one week, four and a half months after the Kotbik Top. There's obviously a fair amount of stress as we're stretched pretty thin to make the wedding work shortly after purchasing our first home. My husband is in a new job, and I'm in a famously high-stress job.

I definitely acknowledge that I have not been my best self lately, trying to make ends meet and get myself through each day, frankly. Onto the red flag. My husband is a charismatic, funny guy. He's loud, just like me. His personality has been something I've loved about him since I met him. But lately, he's had less humor and more commentary on world politics. Sometimes, right-wing conspiracy theory stuff.

He's been preachy. While I do engage with him, it quickly turns into a fight seemingly regardless of which stance I take. When I take issues with his tone or his personal attacks, I get yelled at or told that I'm purposely vilifying him. He started to shout at me more often. Today, it was in front of his whole family. It was humiliating. I cried. It was because I pushed back about the seating charts when his family told me they'd already done the seating chart for their guests, despite not having the entire guest list. I didn't think that I was being rude.

I just explained that I needed to work off the draft that I had, because I knew that I had all the guests on it. I was reassuring my husband's family that they could rearrange the tables if I got stuff wrong. My husband interjected himself from the next room, shouting at me for saying that his mom didn't know everyone that was coming. Then he shouted that he wasn't shouting that we were shouting. I know that I shouldn't have, but I called him out on his immaturity.

I called him out for yelling in front of our nephews, ages 9, 7, and 1, who were also there. I told him to stay out of it if he was going to yell. We finished the seating chart and I left to stay with my parents. It's been five hours since the incident and I haven't heard from my husband. When I left, I gave everyone a quick hug goodbye including my husband. He didn't walk me to my car. He's been shouting at me more at home too. I avoid certain topics altogether. It got physical ones, and he put his hands around my throats.

He apologized profusely for this, and blamed it on frustration at my poor memory during an argument that we were having. Sometimes he pushes me in public, which I find super embarrassing. For example, he shoves me out of the way if I go to pay at the store, despite us often alternating who pays. I verbalize this to my parents who don't treat each other this way. I've told him that I don't want to be treated this way. I've explicitly said, don't shout at me, don't push me, and threaten to involve his older brothers. I'm sure that I'm extra upset right now for a handful of reasons,

wedding stress, minceys, not being able to pray, work stress, but I'm starting to worry that I'm being willfully blind here. Can I let this slide and pray for change? What else can I do to try to encourage change? Does this sound like a stress response to you? What would you advise your sister to in this situation? Then one day later, OP posted an update. Last night I slept at my parents' house.

When I woke up, I had no contact from my husband. I called him to ask if he was coming to the appointment with a photographer. He said yes, so I picked him up and we went to that together. We didn't really talk, just thanks for getting the gas and where's the appointment, type talk. After the photographer appointment, we left the city to head back to our own city an hour away. On the ride, about 20 minutes in, I said that we needed to talk about the fight yesterday. He asked, what do we need to talk about? I said that you yelled at me in front of your family to start. He didn't seem to want to say anything, so I continued and told him that I

won't tolerate being shouted at anymore. It's disrespectful and I've made it clear that I won't put up with it. He started getting irritated and pushed back. He said that I yell too, that he stressed, and that I was trying to plan his side of the seating blah blah blah. I told him that's not the point, it doesn't matter why you're shouting. I won't tolerate being shouted at anymore. I need this to change, or I can't go through with spending my life with someone who treats me poorly.

He said, well, I'm not changing, so call off the wedding then. He took that back pretty quickly, but not before I called my dad right in front of him. I called my dad, and told him as plainly as I could that since my husband and I moved in together, he's been increasingly verbally abusive to me. I told him about the throat grab and the shoving in public. While I was telling my dad this, my husband was speaking quietly beside me. Seriously, you're really dragging them into this?

I tuned him out and focused on my conversation with my dad. This was telling. I told my dad everything and we made a safety plan. I called him when we got to our city and again when my husband left. My dad reminded me that I do not need to go through with the wedding and that abuse typically gets worse, not better. I told my dad that I don't know whether to go through with the wedding and he tells me that he thinks that's the appropriate response here, but reminds me that there's no need to make decisions today. After I called my dad, I asked him, are you gonna tell my mom, or am I?

He told me to. Instead I called my husband's oldest brother. I told him everything and he spoke to us a bit on the phone. He was a bit perplexed by what I told him and was condemning his brother's actions. We get home and my fiancé was pouring honey in my ear about how we're not cancelling the wedding. That we're not getting a divorce and he's sorry and he will agree to counseling. We get a phone call from his mom and oldest brother who are on their way up to our city to mediate.

I called my parents right away. They were not happy with the idea of his family leading the mediation. I have a lot of faith in my oldest brother-in-law, so I was less worried. But also, I saw fit to call a friend to come over to support me. My friend arrived first, and I told her what I told my parents in front of my husband. She mediated a bit, and pointed out that my husband minimized the times that he laid his hands on me. She pointed out that it makes sense I don't trust my husband to change. When up until today, he firmly and repeatedly said that he would not participate in counseling. Eventually, my brother-in-law and mother-in-law arrived. When they got there, we all sat in the living room.

My brother-in-law laid out the ground rules that nobody should interrupt. I told my story as simply as I could. I read out the threats he said, which I had written down after he said them. I explained that my husband would not agree to counseling, even though I'd been asking for months. Then my brother-in-law asked my husband if he agreed with what I said. My husband started by saying that he grabbed my throat because she kind of ran, charged me, and I

had my hand out to stop her, but yes, I did. I clarified, no, we were arguing and you got frustrated at me and grabbed my throat and anger. I wasn't coming at you, you were scared at me or trying to keep me away. His brother asked, is that true, and my husband conceded. My brother-in-law announced at this point that violence was inexcusable. He said that it's not a big deal to cancel the Saturday reception, because either the relationship needs to end, or we need to work on it over a significant amount of time

to mend what's broken and determine whether a healthy relationship can be established at all. My brother-in-law made it clear that he will support whatever decision I decide moving forward, and he'll make sure that I'm not saddled with all the wedding debts. At the moment, most of the payments to the wedding vendors are on my credit cards.

While my husband packed a bag to head back to his family home, me and my brother-in-law talked about repurposing the wedding venue to be a family reunion spot for all the family flying in. My mother-in-law hugged me, kissed me, and told me that she loves me. Now I'm a stunned potato curled up in my bed with my cats. All-hamedu Lila. Thank you to all of you wonderful caring people who are so concerned for me.

Thank you for your words of courage and support. Thank you for your prayers. Okay, down in the comments, people are pointing out just how big of a deal it is that OPs husband put his hands around her throats. I didn't know this, I thought strangulation was just as bad as like punching or kicking, but apparently putting your hands on your partner's throat is one of the best indicators for murder imaginable. According to this statistic, once a partner puts their hands on your throat, you are 700% more likely to die from domestic violence.

So yeah, the choking thing is a pretty big deal. So obviously, all forms of domestic abuse is bad, but strangulation is extra, extra murder plus bad. You know what's weird about the story? It's kind of jarring actually, is Opie has a supportive family, she's got a dad who cares about him who gave great advice to be honest. And she even has support from the husband's family. You know I kinda thought that they'd be more like well let's not get too upset that

he tried to strangle you, but no they're being completely supportive. So despite the fact that Opie has support structures on both sides of the family, she was still a victim of domestic violence. It's like, geez, what's a girl supposed to do? How could she have seen warning signs because there were no warning signs? He was nice, he came from a nice family, she was nice, he came from a nice family, and then bam, he's trying to choke her out. The other thing I'm trying to figure out is, how did this guy end up being an abuser?

If he came from a loving family, and he's got a good role model in his older brother, and his mother is caring and affectionate, where did this come from? Our next reddit post comes from R-slashamaythabuthole. Am I the butthole for planning to move out of state for college, leaving my sister, who's a single mother, alone? I'm an 18 year old girl, and I have a twin, Mary. We don't have any other siblings. Mary got pregnant when she was 14. She couldn't find the father to tell him that she was pregnant, and he's still nowhere to be found. We've lived with our parents in a two-bedroom apartment

for nearly a decade now. So, when Mary gave birth, her baby had to stay in our room. My parents worked more so they could provide for the babies, so it was mostly Mary and I at home taking care of her baby. If I wasn't at school, my parents would demand that I go home and help my sister with her baby. I had no life, no privacy, and no love or attention since my sister had her baby. I know obviously the baby and the mother take priority, but I felt so alone. At the age of 14 or 15, it was very hard for me to come to terms with my parents not

asking me how I'm doing anymore, not congratulating me on my achievements, coming to my games, taking care of me when I'm sick, etc. I became resentful of Mary and my parents, but I did a pretty good job of never showing them that. I knew that feeling would pass, and it did by the time that I was 16. I got a job at the age of 16, so I had some time for myself outside of school and my niece. My parents then coerced me to contribute almost 80% of my wages to help Mary take care of her baby. I've always been a pushover, so I couldn't say no. Especially because Mary and the baby did actually need that money.

Most of the money my parents made was going to bills, rent, and car payments. Anyway, I told my parents that I got into a very good college out of state on a near full scholarship and that I'm planning to go. They asked how I think it's okay to just leave them to take care of Mary's baby. I asked, why should I stay in a shared bedroom with my sister and my young niece for my college years? They said, not everything is about what you want, and sometimes people make sacrifices very family. Mary jumped into the conversation by saying that she wouldn't go off to another state and leave me as a single mother alone if the roles were reversed. I told her, but you're not alone, our parents are here.

She said that it's not the same because they're always gone for work. Am I the butthole? Down in the comments, someone asked, what are you supposed to do? Put your life on hold forever and OP replies. I actually asked my mom when it would be acceptable for me to leave and live my own life, and she said when Mary isn't a single mother anymore. So I have to wait until she gets a serious boyfriend or a husband and move in with him until my duties are done, I am not willing to do that. OP also clarifies that both her sister Mary and her parents are

against abortion. OP says she wasn't going to get an abortion under any circumstances, and my parents supported her through that because they have the same pro-life views. I don't. The father of her child was a 15-year-old boy she didn't know very well. They met for the first time at an amusement park. They were flirting and having fun together for a bit, and ended up passionately hugging in his friend's car a few hours later. She said that she didn't enjoy it so she didn't bother to get his number or his full name and just went home, hence why we can't find him. All we have is his first name

and we live in a big city. OP also clarifies in the comments, no my sister doesn't have a job. She's had two jobs since the baby and she got fired from one for stealing and the other for being constantly late. She hasn't tried to get another job since and the last job was a year ago. Then two weeks later, OP post in an update. I'm doing alright. I'm staying with an aunt in another state until I leave for college. I made an excuse of wanting to work for her for the summer. My aunt gave me a job at her flower shop, and I'm loving it actually. I left because I was so uncomfortable at home. My family was giving me the silent treatment and being really cold.

They can feel however they want, but I have no intention of staying in such an environment this summer. My aunt is amazing, and I'm having a great time with her here. Then, three months after that, O.P. posted another update. My aunt paid me quite nicely, didn't charge rent, or even accept me paying for groceries, so I saved up basically every penny that she paid me. I also worked a bit at a gas station a few nights a week.

That helped me a lot, because I needed money to get to this state, and I have enough to survive on until I find a job. My aunt helped me so much, and I don't know what I would have done without her help. I've barely been speaking to my parents or Mary. It's been quite weird. They'll update me about things, but we aren't really speaking, and everything is quite tense.

I haven't told them that I've left for college, and they haven't asked anything about it. It's kind of a bittersweet feeling being here. It seems surreal that I'm even at a college like this, and I don't have to worry about loans and stuff. I'm so grateful that I got this chance, but it also feels like I have no family now. My family wasn't perfect by any means, but I felt like I had a place there, somewhere I didn't have to question that I belonged.

I feel kind of out of place here. It would have been so good to have my family cheer me on or give me advice or something. I'm not sure what I should be doing, and I wish my parents would be guiding me through this. But I also wouldn't trade this for anything. I think of being back in the bedroom I shared with Mary and my niece, and it makes me feel like I've definitely made the right choice coming here. I have an awesome roommate. Work complete opposites, but she seems like a very good person, and we've been exploring the city together, so that helps a lot too. I guess that's it.

Thank you again for everyone's sweet words. I truly appreciate all the advice and kindness you guys have sent my way. OP, you said that you still appreciate your family because you know you have a place where you belong in that family. Yeah, that place is basically as the family slave. You're basically a free, unpaid labor worse than free and unpaid because you literally work and give them your money. And even if they do have a young child to take care of, does that mean your parents can

stop cheering for you, stop coming to your events? Think about this. They have two 14 year old girls and one of the girls has a baby. That's roughly similar to having two 14 year old girls and the parents having a new baby, so they've got a third baby in the family. If they have a new baby, does that mean the parents can just stop caring and showing affection to the other two kids in their family? No, of course not.

So I think what we're seeing in this post is a lot of OP's internalized abuse where she's Explaining things that to her make sense, but to us an outsider all we're seeing is abuse. OP, I hope you build a great life for yourself in college and if it makes you feel any better I think most people feel like they're out of place when they first move off to college That was our slash best of redditor updates. And if you like this content, be sure to follow my podcast because I put out new reddit podcast episodes every single day.