SitcomD&D - S2 E11: Rat Tale (w/ Anthony Burch)

Episode Date: October 25, 2022

Jennifer's Flashback Episode! Anthony Burch guest DMs the tale of one rat tasked with finding her family a new home. Can Jennifer do it? Or will her and her family BE RUINED?!  Starring: Erin Keif, Waleed Mansour, Elizabeth Andrews, Sean Coyle, and Ben Briggs. Guest DM: Anthony Burch Theme Song by Arne Parrott Artwork by Waleed Mansour Edited by Grace Harper Like the show? Rate SitcomD&D 5 stars on Apple Podcasts and leave a review.  Buy some SitcomD&D merch Follow us on Twitter, Instagram, and TikTok: @SitcomDnD Advertise on SitcomD&D via Gumball.fm Support our Patreon at Patreon.com/SitcomdndSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. And I think the last time that you were on, we were talking about some wrestling stuff, actually. Yeah, it's the one interesting thing about me, correct? No, you also have cats. Sorry. What are all their names? Your cat's name.

In order of how much I love them. Yes. Nandor, Nadja, Miles, Wingdings, and Bagheera. Poor Wingdings. Poor Wingdings? What about the one after Wingdings? Who? In which order?

Was that from least favorite? Bagheera's I love the most. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Oh. Wow.

You led with despise. I don't know if i'd go so far as to despise no yeah how far would you go oh i hate these guys every time i walk in a room there's a one in five chance i'm just gonna be pissed Welcome back to Sitcom D&D, a real play Dungeons & Dragons podcast. Shut up. Buh-buh-buh-buh-buh. No one wants to hear from you, Sean. No one wants to hear the same old, same old.

This is season two. It's time to mix things up. It's time to have new guest stars. It's time to have a new experience. It's time to have a new guest director, a new guest DM, and that's me, your boy, A.B.

I'm Anthony Burch. I'm this episode's dungeon master for sitcom D&D. Woo! Woo! Woo! That's how much

they dislike Sean is that noise you just heard. I gotta be honest. I was expecting you to interrupt me and it still was jarring dice

so first off we're not doing that anymore that's a big season 2 change oh whoa second off each of you have a cousin that is now in the bar with you

who's like 17 years old and like skateboards and stuff that's the second thing oh I love it okay heard third thing is that I'm not interested in whatever you got going on in the plot

right now. What I want to do is I want to look back into the past. The one character that's been moving merch for us is Jenny. We're doing a flashback episode for Jenny this time. We're going to learn how Jenny got to the bottoms up. Dice! God damn it, Eric.

When you need a break from this crazy world to see your friends and fill a cup find Sebastian, Chalice, Chip and Peep at the Noble Bottoms Up. As step by step our growing pains are improving home and away

we're feeling absolutely fabulous on another happy day. We're in absolutely fabulous on another happy day We're in different worlds with different strokes But the good times will not end So cheers to all our family and our friends Starring Aaron Keith as Chalice Glass Elizabeth Andrews as Beef

Waleed Mansour as Chip Ahoy, Ben Briggs as Sebastian Von Hugh Grant, and Sean Coyle as everything else. Sitcom D&D is filmed in front of a fake studio audience. Jenny, you awaken to the familiar sound of irritation. Your mother is standing above your bed, which is side by side with about a dozen others, your various brothers and sisters, all of whom are much more beloved than you in your mother's eyes.

And she goes, what have you done? And that's a difficult question to answer because there's so many potential things that you could have done that would cause the look on her face that is currently furrowing her brow and deepening her frown. But she appears to be holding the family wallet, I guess, the family bag of money where I keep all of my money that we use for food, which is written across it in Sharpie. And she's holding it and making a gesture, moving her hand up and down as if to suggest this is lighter than it should be. Oh, hey, Mom.

What's up? You want me to help carry that bag of money back to where it belongs? How did that get out of place? How did you know it was out of place? Where's it normally? I think you might know. Am I not supposed to know where this money bag is? No, you're not supposed to recognize it, actually. This is mommy's secret bank account that mommy uses to buy all of you

food and shelter and most importantly, rent. And right now it seems to be a little light and you seem to be wearing a pretty gaudy piece of jewelry around your neck. That's truly, truly disgusting. What is that? It's a ring. It's a ring I'm wearing around my neck and it fits just snug and it's got a pearl on it and it only cost free. It only cost free because I found it. Free. That's so wonderful. So if you took it back to the place where you got it for free, would they potentially give you, say, any amount of money back that would replace what you took from this bag? Maybe my beloved daughter, Jenny, who I love so much, who I'm definitely not about to lose my complete shit at. Mom, you're doing that thing where your voice sounds sweet,

but you're making your angry face and going angry cross-eyed, and it's freaking me out. She gets really close, and she goes, no, I'm not. This is me when I'm feeling totally normal. Isn't that right? And she turns around and looks at one of her children, the one who was always there to emotionally support her, especially when Jenny is being lambasted, probably the rat that hates Jenny more than anybody. Yeah, my name's freaking Stewie Smalls. And I'm a cool little rat. Cool rat name. With a leather jacket, backwards cap.

And one of my ears got a little dent in it from too many cool skateboard tricks. Why can't you be more like Stewie Smalls? Why can't you be more like your brother who decided what our last name was? Who understands the Smalls family legacy in a way that you never could? Jenny Smalls, you have disappointed me

for the last time. Yeah, me too, Mom. What the frick? Dude, Stewie sucks. He's terrible. He's an absolute disaster, my guy. Are you kidding me?

Stewie Smalls' leather jacket fits him like a glove. That ring around your neck, it looks like a dog collar. You're pathetic. You're a rat, not a dog. Get to your feet. Actually, you know what? It's time for vote, everyone. And she raises her finger and does the spinning around in a circle motion to suggest, everybody, let's round up. And the entire Smalls family gets around in a circle. And your mother says, I think it might be time to vote on whether or not our dear sister Jenny should be allowed to stay with us. That's an easy vote. Thank you. Thank you, Stewie.

Yeah, it is. Yes. Affirmative. Okay. So that's one in favor of staying. Speaking as the oldest, hi, I'm Courtney Smalls. I'm the rat with the side ponytail and the bubble gum. I think that Jenny should get the f*** out of here. Thank you, Courtney. Whoa! Courtney, we've talked like twice. How did I make this terrible of an impression on you that quickly? Jenny, you don't want to know how many answers to that question there are.

How old are you? Hey, I'm Stewie freaking Smalls here. Shut the hell up, Jimmy. Your mom stands in front of Stewie Smalls protectively and goes, you don't ask Stewie questions like that. I don't ask you stupid questions. Oh, you're lucky I believe in democracy so much. Otherwise, this would not be going your way.

All right. Yeah, mom believes in democracy. Thank you, Courtney. Hey, it's tugboat tugboat and i'm voting against i'm saying get out ship off choo choo oh everybody blurs into applause at tugboat's famous catchphrase they've come to love so much over the years that's no hubba bubba and I slap my little tummy and I... Your mother squeals and goes, oh my god, we got both catchphrases in one sentence. And she looks dead in Jenny's eyes with rage in her eyes and she's just

that's classic tugboat smalls. Why can't you be more like tugboat? Well, I mean I've got catchphrases too. Who smelled that toe jam, boo-boos? Boo. What theos? Boo. What the hell? I don't know.

I was workshopping something. Your mother just pushes you. Ow! Stay down there. Just stay down there and wait for the vote to be over. I don't even like you being at the same level as us vertically. Mother, it's Reginald Smalls here. Why is Jenny still here?

Good point, Reginald. Is that the voice of Reginald Smalls here. Why is Jenny still here? Good point, Reginald. Is that the voice of Reginald I hear? Not quite my oldest child, but definitely the one that has the oldest vibe to him. Yes, I'm up in the rafters. Yeah, how old is that one? Don't ask dumb questions, Jenny. Obviously, I'm younger than Courtney.

She's the oldest. There's city miles on our beloved Reginald. Why don't somebody come up and bring Reginald down, raise his basket, pull the pulley, and bring his big, soft basket down with all his favorite snacks in it. Stewie's got it. Yeah, don't worry, Mom.

I freaking got it. Oh, you got it? Yeah, we could do for it. We're a perfect pair. Cooperation. That's right. I don't feel shy about it. That's why you're my two favorite. Tugboat and Stewie. Oh, you got it? Yeah, we could two for it. We're a perfect pair. Cooperation. That's right. I don't feel shy about it. That's why you're my two favorite.

Tugboat and Stewie. Oh, what a team. While this commotion is kind of happening, I want Jennifer to try to sneak around and out and back in wearing a small babushka disguise. Sure. Do you want me to roll for that? Or can I just...

Yeah, Sean, I want you to roll for that. can i just yeah sean i want you to roll for that is that sarcasm i can't tell no there's just a thing you get to do in this game yeah we we put you know season two we play dnd on this podcast give me a stealth role and then if that's successful also give me a deception role oh my god God. Okay, 17 stealth. Ooh, okay. So you successfully sneak out and sneak back in wearing whatever it is you'd like to be wearing,

but can you convince them that you're not just you wearing new clothes? Okay. Let's say she's getting a plus three to shenanigans. Then she got an 18. Holy shit.

Okay, so she goes, next in the voting line, you, and she points at you, Jenny, and she goes, you're my... Hey, of course you remember me. the voting place.

She started the freaking fire. She did do that. Well, that's debatable. She fell asleep with a lit match next to her. I mean, that could have happened to anybody. And also, the time where she had everybody's back when that giant cat came and found our house. I mean, that was something. She fed it crackers and let it here.

Yeah, so let's hear it for Jennifer Tumslap. You know what? I think I've changed my mind on Jennifer. I don't think I love Jennifer as much as I thought I did. I think it was the stealing tugboats catchphrase. What do you all think? Are we, am I alone in this? Yeah, I vote you out too.

Yeah. Okay, well, let's go ahead and call voting to a close then. I think both Jenny and Jennifer, I banish thee. And as she gestures towards the door out of your adorable rat hovel, you hear a wet slapping noise that gets louder and louder and closer and closer. And first you see two pinpricks of light that get bigger, and you see that these belong to two matches that are being held in the outstretched arms of two rats that flank the familiar face of a loan shark that you took out some money for a

gangster named medulla the rest of you have never seen medulla before so what you see to see is a large brain large for you at least on four little bird-like talon legs but it looks otherwise like a normal like a human brain with legs. And you hear it when it speaks inside your mind. You don't see a mouth. You don't see any normal wet method of talking, but you see it clap its front two talons together. And that was making that wet slapping you heard before.

It's sarcastic wet slapping. And it says, well, well, it looks like maybe I'm a little late. Hello, Jenny. I've come to collect. Don't love this. Hi! And she just like slowly takes off the babushka disguise

she was wearing. I knew it was you! Hey! Um, so, welcome to the we were just throwing a surprise party for you. Happy birthday.

I'm so glad you can make it, Medulla. Roll, just give me a luck roll. Roll a d20. That's awesome. Good luck. That was a three. Checks out. You're exactly 17 days away from my birthday, you buffoon, you hear in your mind.

And Medulla lowers herself and sort of gestures at you. There's no eyes, but you feel that she's looking into you with her brain. And she says, I was under the impression that you were going to pay me back those 15 pieces of cheese about a week ago. And yet here I am, cheeseless. I devour two things, dreams and dairy, and looks like I'm all out of dairy. So I'm going to have to destroy your dreams. And it nods at one of the rats and they unfurl a scroll that you can see has a bunch of runic writing on it. But most importantly, and sort of angled toward the camera in the audience is a looks to be a big doodle of a fireball. And she says, I did consider just simply murdering you, Jenny, to show what happens when you refuse to pay back a debt. But it seems that so many, including many in your family,

despise you that I don't think that would send the right message. So I think instead of destroying you, I'll destroy everything you care about. Hit it, boyos. And one of the rats begins to chant from this scroll and in front of it a ball of flame appears and it grows bigger and bigger and bigger and it shoots upward into the rafters where reginald's bed was and it explodes incinerating the rafters bringing them crashing down and very quickly the walls begin to catch fire because they're just made of old newspaper and drywall. And your home is completely inflamed

and is burning down all around you. And your mother goes, No! And one of the raptors comes crashing down and hits her and seemingly has taken her out. You can't tell if she's dead or not, but she's certainly obscured from your view, and she seems to be in a lot of pain.

Your other siblings are running scared, trying to run past the rats. They scatter everywhere, but all of them, as they do so, are giving you the evil eye, Jenny, because they know this is your fault. They're screaming things like we should have known. Of course you would kill us in the end like this, Jenny.

How dare you? That's no hubba-bubba. That's Tugboat. Your mother comes to life just for one more second and be like, classic, Stewie. No, oh no, I got it confused. And then she dies in shame. Oh no, what a way to go.

Yeah, mom wasn't really the biggest fan of me. And Jennifer's scanning to save someone or help someone that has cared about her. And she's like, you hated me. You hated me. You hate, hmm, not really seeing anyone that I love or loved me. Medula says, oh, well, that's, that's, what a shame. It sounds like you're going to have to find a new place to live. And with no one in this world who loves you and with everybody knowing that you're a dirty,

dirty welcher who can't be trusted, I think it's going to be quite difficult for you or any of your little rat friends to find a new place to live. There's no way you could do it by the end of this 22-minute episode of comedy. Well, I suppose I'll bid you adieu. Go ahead or feel free to just stay where you are and burn to death and create a kind of a weird time paradox. But it would be what you deserve, Jenny. Bye-bye. You'll never see me again. And Medulla and gestures to her rats,

and they walk out of your burning home, whistling to themselves, happy at the utter despair on your face. Ah, shit. Okay, everyone, just want to make a big blanket apology for what just happened. Just like a general, I'm sorry.

I hope that covers it. Are you freaking kidding me? Apologies are not accepted. My bad. Not accepted. Okay. Can Jennifer try to put things out? Is it already way out of control? I would say it's probably well out of control. You do look to

the side and you see your adorable cousin, baby Steffi. She's in the, like, not the mama dinosaur's high chair. And that's on fire and flames are going up it. And she's going, Who me?

Which is her catchphrase. And you could probably have time to save her, but everybody else is either running on their own or is basically in a situation that is unsalvageable. Oh, sh**, Baby Steffi.

Even though you bullied me worst of all, I gotta try to save your ass. And she runs over there to, Baby Steffi. Even though you bullied me worst of all, I gotta try to save your ass. And she runs over there to scoop Baby Steffi out of the high chair. All right, give me a sleight of hand roll. Ooh, 19. Wow, okay. So you dexterously managed to snatch Baby Steffi out of the fire without singeing her or yourself. And she looks at you and she goes,

Who? You? No. And you can see that her opinion of you has changed ever so slightly. She's looked at you with more respect than you've ever seen before. And just as she's about to say something really sweet, she farts, she poops her pants, and she goes, Who?

Me? And the moment is ruined. Perfect. I just let her fall to the floor. I just kind of like drop her to the side. Okay, cool. She falls right into the fire and she's dead. We don't have to worry about her anymore. She died the way she lived. But did everybody see that?

Whoa. What the baby stuff. I mean, I did save her. Pretty cool. The house is burning down around you. Would you like to leave? You are now the only rats remaining in your home. Yes, I would like to get the hell out of there.

Yeah, we'll catch up with you, Jenny. Well, we want to go, too. Yeah. Right? Yeah, we'll catch up, though. All aboard. Nah, I'm done. Tugboat.

Okay, well, I'm getting the hell out of here. You guys, I mean, you can stick to your shit and die, I guess, but, I mean, we'd probably be safer if we stuck together. Whatever. I'm going. You hear a familiar voice go, hold on. And baby Steffi crawls out of the fire and points at you, her flesh crispy. And she goes, who me?

First of all, that. Second of all, it's your fault we're in this mess. You should be the one to find us a new home. This is your responsibility. As far as I'm concerned, you're the one who's going to decide where. I mean, maybe not decide, like we'll decide as a group if we want to do it or not, but you have to find us a new place, you little,

you little, say it, so-and-so. Yeah, that's right. You're a so-and-so. You're a so-and-so, Jenny. F*** you. Okay, you know what? I will find a new place, a new home, where a family will act like a family and take care of each other and have each other's backs. And it'll be lovely and everyone will be nice to each other and me and

everything won't be my fault and it'll be perfect and I'm going to find it. Jennifer runs through the exit like crying, runs off. So we wipe and Jenny is now leading the remains of her family who haven't already scattered to the four winds through the sewer. The home you were in was sort of in a forgotten corner of a sewer system. It was relatively comfortable. And now you are trudging through the most pungent, the stickiest, the worst liquid. And you come to an intersection. And at this intersection, you can see four separate paths.

Or if we decide we've been recording for too long, two to three separate paths. separate paths. Or if we decide we've been recording for too long, two to three separate paths. To one direction, you hear the soft, soothing sounds of soft rock music, like you might hear in a lobby of a dentist's office kind of vibe. From another, you hear

cool jazz. From another, you hear what seems to be a chorus singing in religious overtones. And from another, you just hear, just sounds like white guys mumbling to themselves. So yes, four directions, four potential homes to explore. What would you like to do, Jennifer? Well, dentist's office never is a comfortable place,

but it sure is heck a lot better than listening to a couple guys mumble. I don't want to live next to a podcast. Let's go dentist's office. Or I guess I to a podcast. Let's go dentist's office. Or I guess I don't know if it's a dentist's office. Let's go to the first one. I mean, like, you just knock these out in order. To the left. Who's

with me? We are. We are. They're pushing Reginald along in a little wagon because his bones are so old. As young as he is, his bones are so old. He is not the oldest, but my bones.

He's in a little radio flyer that's just perfectly sized for him. Yeah. Listen, guys, if we're going to do this together, let's get some, like, team camaraderie going. Just maybe we'll go around

in a circle and just say, like, something that we really like about the person to our left. Like, Reginald, for example, I love that, like, something that we really like about the person to our left. Like, Reginald, for example, I love that, um... Jenny! You don't even know him! Are you freaking kidding me?

Jenny, if you can find us a new home and a new bed for me to lie on, then all is forgiven. Okay, all right. If I find a new home, you guys will give me a chance, and that's enough. A chance is enough okay all right if i if i find a new home you guys will give me a chance and that's enough a chance is enough all right left first tunnel here we go all right you come to a small squat circular white building that has a neon sign outside of it that says motel and the interior is actually pretty pretty plush this is where the music's been coming from. There's a nice little lobby with shag carpet.

And standing at the desk in the lobby seems to be an upstanding cockroach. She says, well, well, well, welcome. Welcome to the motel. How many y'all staying here? Five? Looks like five, maybe? Yeah, you are the weirdest looking rat I've ever seen. Oh, honey, that is so very racist of you.

No, I'm a roach. That's another entire different species. Oh, just like a rat to say something that's too... Oh, that's racist of me. Well, I guess that's something we have in common, I guess. That means we could be friends. I feel like this is going well. I think so, too.

There's five of us. Can we live here forever and maybe like a couple hundred more of us for free? Oh, well, I mean, we could certainly accommodate all of y'all as a forever thing. I'd say that's pretty much guaranteed once you spend enough time in the Roach Motel. But it would require, you know, a down payment before you decided to stay here. Or there's always the other option, the option that I've taken personally, where, you know, you just recruit some others. Are you familiar with what I would call, like,

a magical loving moment? No. Oh, yeah, I've heard of these. I'm in several, as you can probably tell by my everything. Okay, great, perfect. When we all put our heads together, we work as a team,

or really more like a family. We create a magical loving moment together, or an MLM. So what I would love for you to potentially do, the idea is that you would be allowed to stay here if you could go out and convince others to stay here with you. And then who gets that money from those others staying here? Oh, that's it's you. They kick that money up to you. You kick me a little bit on my own. Then I would allow you to stay. You could either pay me a lot of money or you could just pay me a little bit of money. Like that disgusting little, what was that?

That choker you got around your neck? I would take that and bring some other folks around. I would be more than happy to allow you all to stay here if you did something like that. Oh. Jenny, you know how my room is filled with lotion and leggings? Those are from some of the MLMs that I've been in. And they've only made me cry all the time, but they're really great, really good perks.

And I've never sold anything, but I'm going to. Oh, shoot. That's all gone in the fire. Well, I would have. Okay. So this is like kind of a normal thing then. This is something that people do. It's not illegal.

Oh, okay. That's good too. So how many more people do I need to get? Oh, let's say at least three. Okay. I have a question. I have an answer. Do you want to move into this place? It's really cool. And it's like a hotel. And then if you pay me a little bit, then I'll be cool with it. And you just find more people. And then it works in that way. And it's not illegal.

Jenny, are you trying to recruit the person who just recruited you? Shh, come on. I feel like it's working. Give me a persuasion roll with disadvantage. So roll twice, take the worst of the two. Okay. It was an 18 and then a two. Okay.

So she goes, Oh, you're trying to out MLM me. MLM made it. No, that's not how that works, honey. You're trying to get all strangled. You're asleep. Bless your heart. No, no, no, no, no.

There's no way your tiny little hands can fit around my throat. They're basically sticks. Damn, I guess you're right. Well, I could give it a try. I could certainly put my hands in your mouth while you're sleeping and sort of push them to the side.

You know, like this or something like this. Just hold my hands out like that. I get it. I get it could give it a try. I could certainly put my hands in your mouth while you're sleeping and sort of push them to the side. You know, like this or something like this. Just hold my hands out like that. I get it. I get it. You sure? Yeah. I could do it a little longer and make sure you really get the idea. Yeah, you could keep trying. What the?

Okay. You know what? I'll take my little claws out, but yes. No, I think you bring me three people, give me that little ring, and I would be more than happy to allow you to stay in perpetuity at the Roach Motel. Okay, let me just confer with my business associates and I'll be right with you. Please do. Okay, team huddle, y'all. Um, does anyone have anything to eat?

Is that why you did this huddle? We just say, actually, the four of us, we actually just ate a bunch of food while you were dealing with that situation. Oh my God! bunch of food while you were dealing with that situation. Oh my god. Also, Jenny, I don't know if this matters, but I've had a lot of people try to get me out of my MLMs because they said that I was being conned. But I'm not sure if that's relevant here. Probably doesn't matter. I wonder if there's a way to really see if this is a con or a great business and living opportunity. How about you guys distract her and I'm going to kind of snoop around real quick. Can you guys do that?

Yes, I'll sing my four bar lovely Antoinette solo piece to her. It's very short. Yes. But it's loud. Great, Reginald. Okay, go ahead and roll Great, Reginald. Okay, go ahead and roll performance, Reginald.

Okay. You can just roll a d20 and then add two because it seems like this is something Reginald has done a lot. 14. Oh, okay. So with a 14, the first bar immediately grabs attention. She goes, oh, I can't wait to see what bars are next.

And she is paying a lot of attention to you. So if anybody else wants to sneak around her and investigate something, you will do so with advantage because she is distracted by Reginald's sonorous voice. I'm going to sneak around and investigate. All right. Go ahead and roll investigation.

18. Wow. Okay. So with an 18, you can see that the Roach Motel has seemingly many rooms, a lot of doors, but as you sort of peek into a couple of them,

you see that all the doors actually open up into a single, very large room that has a very adhesive substance on the ground. You see a lot of corpses of roaches and ants and even a couple of rats stuck in there. They're putrefying bodies decaying in this one shared room. And you remember this roach talking about how you would be here forever if you managed to stay, and you think you understand fully what that means now. So Jennifer, like, scuttles back to the group. Goes, guys! And fiend.

She claps her little roach hands together. One second, mademoiselle. Guys, group hug her real quick. So I just kind of saw the living situation, and it's pretty damn good. Oh, no. It's not ideal. It's not four stars.

It's like three and a half star. But I think we should still see other options. But this is pretty high up there for right now. Well, if you freaking like it, then I'm ready to move on. God, Stewie's so cool. Stewie's so cool. Tugboat loves Stewie. The roach hears you say,

she doesn't even really make out exactly what you said, but she just sort of hears your general vibe and she like puts a hand to her neck and is like sort of fanning herself at the thought of looking at Stewie. And she's like, oh, and don't forget, if you do manage to convince somebody to stay here, I'll give you all a special gift.

And she holds up a wondrous item that if anybody wanted to roll investigation or arcana, you can see exactly what it does. But it is a wondrous, it is a real D&D item, a wondrous item that you will get if you trick somebody into coming here. Cool. Wow.

Okay, I rolled an 18. Okay, so you know that it is the charlatan's die. It is a six-sided die that whenever you roll it, you get to control exactly what number that it rolls. Oh, cool. Very cool. Okay, so you know that it is the charlatan's die. It is a six-sided die that whenever you roll it, you get to control exactly what number that it rolls. Oh, cool. Okay, sweet. Okay, well, hey, thank you so much for your time. We'll probably be back.

Okay. We're going to check out some other options. Y'all come back. I'll be here. Keep on tugging. Oh, what a little catchphrase. Oh, that's great. As we exit, I go, we got to get that gift right now.

I want to hear plans because I have to have it. I want it. I need it. I got to steal it. Okay, you sign up. Yeah, you said you like it so much you sign up for this place. You live here forever. Okay, do you think it'll be like magically binding or something?

Yeah, probably. Okay, tie a string to me. I'm going to go sign up. And then if you see the string going really far, then maybe just follow up with me. All right. Sounds good. Okay. I locate a string and I tie it to Jenny.

Okay. All right. Sign up. Give me that dice and we're good to go. Okay. So I'll just take the payment of that little ring around y'all's neck. Oh boy. Oh, this is going to look much better on me. And it just goes completely around her

body. It's too big for her. And she goes, oh darn. And she goes, okay, so you are in room what do we see? Let's see three. And she gives you a little key and says, yeah, go ahead and feel free to stay as long as you want, all of y'all. Or at least you. You're just the one that signed up, right? You little Jenny one? Yeah. Yeah. Well, it's that way. And go ahead and here's

your complimentary gift. And she gives the dice to, or the die, I guess, to Tugboat. Yes! Yes! You weren't even in the freaking room. You just walked in here and took it? I signed up! Give me that! No! Tugboat needs it. He just sort of exudes authority,

so I thought he deserved it. Tugboat tugging choo-choo! it. Tugboat tugging. Choo-choo. Well, Tugboat, let's roll to see who keeps it. I'll roll first. If it's a three, I get to keep it. Okay. Tugboat's fine with that, actually. Yeah, I know.

Because you wouldn't know, right? Yeah, I guess not if you're not the one who made the check, yeah. Okay, so she just has to picture a three in her mind or kind of like just... She just has to have the intention of rolling a three and it will just happen. Okay, so she does and then she rolls and it comes up...

Three. Oh, would you look at that? I guess it's f***ing mine. Right then, Tugboat punches a hole through the drywall and starts going, oh, f***! No! Talk about! I'm sorry.

We're going to go get some lacquer or whatever fixes walls, and we'll be right back. Yeah, I would appreciate that. That was a little intense, but okay. All right. See you when I return from the workday. I love living here. Goodbye. Okay.

I expect you. I'll be waiting. So you head back to the intersection. The second, third, and fourth paths. You can hear smooth jazz coming out of the second, chanting coming out of the third, and just dudes mumbling coming out of the fourth. Well, no reason to fight the order.

So let's go. The two dudes mumbling. Okay, what? So you enter, you go down the fourth tunnel, and inside you see a couple of aquariums with a couple of what look to be like whales. Whales that are just floating within this water, and they're both speaking into a shared microphone

between the two of them. And inside each of their aquariums, they seem to be with their little flippers trying to assemble some sort of machinery. And you can see their aquariums, they seem to be, with their little flippers, trying to assemble some sort of machinery. And you can see wires are trailing out of the machinery and leading into the microphone. Are the whales whale-sized? Great question.

No, they're like small, almost the size of you guys. Aww! Cute. I wish that existed. I mean, are you kidding? Adorable. Yeah, I would have several. And you'd rank them one to five. Well, yeah.

So one of them was going, yeah, tell me more about that. The other is going, yeah, so the murder occurred. She was really young and she trusted the guy too much. Oh, who's that? We got somebody else in the studio coming. What's going on? Oh, my God, I knew it. It is a podcast.

Are you doing a podcast? One of them nods sadly and goes, yeah, you kind of beat me to the pun. We're whales from a pod and we're also wizards. So we cast spells. You did beat me to that, like from the jump, like before you even knew that we were. He just said a couple of white guys mumbling. I just said white guys and you knew exactly where I was going with that. Yeah.

Yeah. It kind of takes one to know one. I'm sorry. I'm sorry, fellas. I mean, unless this is like a guest situation where you do have on guests, we're just actually kind of looking for a place to live. I don't know if this is a studio.

Maybe that doesn't make sense. But what is the situation here? Why don't you roll insight? 16. So the 16, you can tell that they are indeed spellcasters. They are trying to build an amplifier. It looks like the machinery that's building in their tank seems to be an amplifier that's connected

to the microphone that's between them. And as they talk, you feel yourself being persuaded in some way. You feel yourself being more amenable to their point of view. One of the whales looks at you and says, oh, we're just trying to show people some element of the human experience that they haven't had before. We're just trying to open people's minds, really tell them stories more than anything else.

And as they're talking, you feel yourself being sort of drawn to them inexorably. And with your 16, you can feel like there is something that they are doing magically that is making them overly persuasive. And that should they be able to finish building these amplifiers, they may be able to spread that ability out on a larger scale. They may be able to mind control a number of people instead of just mumbling to themselves in this little corner. Uh-oh. Don't love that.

Okay. Do you mind if I just interject here and maybe just give a shout-out to my family if we're live on the air? What's up, fam? Sorry for ruining our entire house and setting it on fire and having some casualties. Much love. Gonna find a new place to live. Did you get that?

Yeah, we did. I think we've actually got a caller now. Who, me? Yes, yes. Yeah, it's you. You're on live. I just wanted to say that um i don't forgive you i still got enough life left just i choose to spend my last words just spitting hatred at you

so uh so get f**k jenny also big fan first time caller long time listener just i i do think you gotta solve more riddles but otherwise i think it's a pretty good podcast so bye love you and uh the whales go oh that's that's pretty brutal. How does that make you feel? It's expected from that person. Unexpected to hear from them because I thought they were for sure dead and fried. That's our sister. Yeah. You guys, again, do I have to apologize?

How many times do I have to apologize for this? Like, more times? Yes. Yeah, several. You freaking called mom a casualty. You referred to mom's death being burned alive as a couple casualties. I didn't say casually. I just said she was a casualty, which is a fact. You never apologized for my bed.

Yeah, poor Reginald. You burned my bed. You didn't even say anything about his bed. How dare you? You didn't specifically mention Reginald's bed. How freaking dare you? I mean, you guys, you have to, like, have something in order to lose it, you know? And, like, I never really felt like I had you as a family.

Why the frick are you leading this thing? We're trusting you. You don't even give a shit about us. What's any of our middle names? Yeah, any. What's my middle name what's tugboat's middle name to be straight up i don't know most of your first name still see and that one was easy his middle name is boat come on you guys i'm so sorry and what i want to

do is show you that i'm actually worthy of love and family. It's just, it's hard when you've never even given me a chance. That's this whole thing. I say we split up. Reginald, you cannot be on your own. I say I'm leaving. No, Reginald, you need all the help you can get, buddy. No, just let him try. He'll tire himself out right into a nap. It'll be fine. There he goes. Wow, you knew that. Pretty cool, Jenny. Yeah, see, I know some stuff about you guys, and I'm getting to know more about you each little step of this journey, so please just continue to give me

a chance. I won't let you down, I swear. Hmm. Anyways, back to the pod, boys! So, the whales have been listening, and they go, hey, this is great podcasting, this is great family drama, and I just want to take this moment to remind everybody that the reason we're able to bring you these kinds of really intense personal stories is because of donations to our robot. And they gesture to the corner and a two-legged metal automaton sort of walks out with a big open mouth. And you can hear coins jingling inside it.

And he goes, this is Patron. Patron, why don't you tell them what you'd like from them? And Patron says, money, please, money, and its mouth opens and it comes towards you with its hands outstretched. And the whales go, I see you've got a little dice there. That looks like it could be kind of valuable. Or the wagon that the old one is in. The second oldest

one. There's something about them that just tells me they're not quite as old. Yeah. I think we could happily take those by force or not. So why don't you roll a wisdom saving throw to prevent yourself being enthralled by their hypnotic speaking. 15. Okay, so with the 15 you save,

you manage to resist the urge to automatically toss Reginald out of the radio flyer and just hand it to him. But the patron is still coming at you with its arms outstretched, its powerful hydraulic hands opening and closing in the universal toddler sign of gimme gimme, please. What would you like to do? Guys, I got an idea.

Just follow my lead. Okay. Well, fellas, I hope your mic's not hot and on right now and broadcasting because I just found a really weird manifesto that you seem to have written. A political manifesto with some very, very out there ideas. Okay, great. Go ahead and roll deception. That is a eight. So one of the whales thinks for a second and goes, gaslighting. It's a problem that's huge for everyone in the sewers. No more so than amongst the rats. Does that racist? A little bit. It's totally racist. Holy shit.

I can't believe you just said that on the record. Against rats? There's children listening to this. How could you? You're a role model. The whale puts its flippers to its head and goes, oh, no. Oh, why did I say that? Oh, geez.

Oh, no. Oh, no. And the other whale goes, I just want to say that his views have nothing to do with mine. I can still, I could do a one man podcast. I could be a sort of whale Ira Glass. I could i could make that work so yeah anyway racism the biggest problem that's plaguing our society down here in the suit whoa you're willing to freaking drop your friend after he says one thing not willing to work out your problems with him i thought you guys were freaking friends what the deal uh is it less weird if i would be his friend is that what you're

suggesting oh you're just trying to appease us? You're just saying, performing, being a good person? Throw your friend under the freaking bus. Not trying to help him out. I see how it is. I get... I mean, I want to stay loyal to my people. Loyal?

You don't know what loyalty is. To your people? Here we go with the racism again. Hold on, Danny. Reginald's up from his nap, and he's got something to say. Oh, I do. Yeah, you are despicable. Friendship lives for forever.

And if you can't do that, then you deserve to be canceled, too. The way it looks, it's like, I can't believe this is the woke one. How am I in trouble? I was sure this one was going to wake up and say something, a whole new slur I'd never heard before. Oh, my God. And Patron gets to his knees. It starts malfunctioning and it starts jittering.

It just starts vomiting up cash, just coins and pennies and little treasures and stuff. And it croaks over and dies as its two whale rulers are canceled to death in the aquariums behind them. They're so embarrassed that their hearts stop and they start floating above on the surface of the water. Oh, God. Oh, didn't mean to kill him.

Couple more casual casualties. Let's scoop some of this gold into our fur. All right. So you go ahead and fill your coffers with the gold. Let's tug on. you go ahead and fill your coffers with the gold. Let's tug on. Sitcom D&D is sponsored by BetterHelp.

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That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P dotcom slash sitcom D&D. So the two remaining paths you've not taken in the sewer are towards the jazz music and towards the chanting. Oh, I didn't really even pick up on this. This is jazz. You guys, I love jazz. All right, we're definitely going to go here. This is I got a good feeling about this. So you see a cat playing a saxophone. It is a room that seems to be filled with beanbag chairs and little... It's kind of a zen garden. It feels like you're in a zen garden. And in the center of this little zen garden under the sewer,

this cat is sitting around just playing the saxophone. Just real chill, real cool. Makes you want to relax. Makes you want to lay down. And he goes, hey, what's up? Hi, you're kind of... Are you hungry? No. I mean, you can chill if you want to. I. And he goes, hey, what's up? Hi, you're kind of... Are you hungry? No. I mean, you can chill if you want to. I'm trying to keep

everything pretty low-key. Man, this is one cool cat. Yeah, go ahead and stay. I don't care. I'm a vegetarian. Whoa! Enlightened! So, question. Out of the blue, you got any roommates? Roommates? Nah, nah, just me here. Wow.

Would you be interested in having hundreds? Hundreds. Yeah, sure. No skin off my nose. I can relax with a hundred people or no people or just me or whatever you like. As long as you want to chill out, I'm more than willing to allow you to do that. Wow. Okay, team huddle, group meeting.

You guys, this is pretty good. I gotta be honest. It's like neck and neck with that first place right now. I eat a lot of meat and if he's a vegetarian, it's just like not a great match. Courtney eats so much meat.

It's crazy. It's scary. By the pounds. Piranha, little flesh shrapnels just kind of coming out as it just whizzes into her mouth. Talk about out. So, would it be Mr. Cat? I don't want to gender you. Just Cat.

What's your name? How about names? What's your name? I mean, you nailed it. It's Mr. Cat. How did you know? Wow! Whoa! Scat Cat! Please, Scat Cat's my brother. He is in jail. Oh. Sorry to hear that.

No, he deserves to be there. Hey, we don't really have time for this. No, I'm curious. What did he do? Oh, he ate shit. Oh, Scat Cat. Yeah, got it. His owner did stuff to get other peoples to eat.

Jennifer. No, I'm actually on Jennifer's side with this question. It doesn't feel like a crime to just eat your own. Well, he did it in front of other people. Oh, that's bad. He would go in the streets and do it in front of, you know, children. Oh, whoa, freaking children? Well, they're going to have to learn about it someday.

Ba-boo-ba-boo-ba. Oh, back to the jazz. I'm not defending him. I'm just saying I understand it. Anyway, stay or don't. It's no skin off my kitty whiskeys. Okay. Then we'll stay. You guys,

I did it. Do you respect me now and like me and am I part of the family? Just the sand or just like, where's our home? It's a room. That's like as big as a house to me. So that's me. Cool. Anybody else want to stay or just this weird one? I don't know. I kind of want to go back to the last one we were at.

There's two pools there. If we just get those whales out, this place has two pools. Funny. Yeah, funny. Shame to death. I don't know. It sounded pretty nice. I don't know why we freaking left that place.

Oh, yeah. That felt more like just something to overcome and then we just left. We didn't even really think of it as a place to potentially chill for a while. Also, it's not that far. It's like we could treat it like the neighborhood pools. That's fair. Yeah, you could always go there and visit when you feel like it. You're freaking me out with how chill and accommodating you are.

I gotta be honest. It's suspicious. Sounds like your problem, not mine. Can I investigate, Mr. Cat? You certainly can. Give me insight. That is a 12. With a 12, you cannot tell up or down whether he's being truly chill or if there is indeed another paw to drop.

Oh, did somebody say, cool guy? Let me check this out. I know all things cool. Can I do an insight roll? Yes, please do. Dang, this cool guy ruled a 16. Oh, okay. So with a 16, you can pretty much instantly tell that he is hungry.

And not only that, actually go ahead and give me Arcana as well. A 14. With a 14, you can tell that this jazz saxophone he's playing is actually another wondrous item that is creating illusions around him. And you can't tell what's behind these illusions, but the Zen garden, these beanbags, and you see this as Jenny goes to sit down in one of the beanbags, moves through it and just hits her butt on the ground, that this is all an illusion being perpetuated by the saxophone itself. Once you roll deception to see if the cat can notice the look of realization on your face. Scary. Yeah.

Another 14. Ooh, okay. So the 14, the cat notices that something has changed in your expression, and it goes, and tosses the saxophone aside. And the second it lets go of the saxophone, you can see that the entire room is just filled with the corpses of mice, and it lunges at Reginald and claws at the radio flyer trying to grab Reginald.

No, no! Okay, now it's like dead even with the first place, guys. What's wrong with you? Oh, God. Okay, so the cat got a natural one, which means that you get to describe what happens to the cat when it tried to claw Reginald out. I think once Mr. Cat swings Mrs.,

it scratches into a bunch of bones and bodies that were like lying around, and it creates some really like avant-garde jazz percussion, accidentally. But also just eats shit into the pile of corpses. That's great. Can we say that there is a stool and that the cat million-dollar babies on it?

Perfect. Okay, Ben. Ben's here. I'm here. I'm here. Keep on tugging. So both of those things happen. As it slashes into a pile of corpses, the sound of tearing sinew and rotting broken bones snapping goes, Ooh, wait, that's it. My masterpiece. That sound I've been looking for.

And it falls, trips the million-dollar baby's neck against a kitty stool that it used for kitty sitting. Oh, no. And it instantly hits the ground. And then we flash forward to six months in the future and Kat Clint Eastwood comes and takes it off of Kat life support. But for now, it is immobile.

The cat is on the ground, unconscious, and you're free to leave. And so we do. We almost lived there. The remaining path leads to chanting, and as you follow the chanting, you come across a bunch of rats just like you, except they're all in white robes,

and they are surrounding what looks to be a very large piece of paper with some scribbles on it, some drawings, some figures that you can't quite make out, and a lot of words attached to these drawings. And the rat who is standing nearest to the big piece of paper that is on one end of this sort of rat church gestures towards you and goes, ah, we have new acolytes. Please, please come in and learn of the light. Learn of the brightening that will bestow upon us all if only we are able to decipher the messages left to us.

Please, all are welcome here. Oh, so you don't recognize your Lord and Savior. Come reborn. Whoa, big swing, Jenny. Nailed it. Huge freaking swing by Jenny. Huge swing, Jenny. Roll deception with disadvantage.

Wow. A 21 and a 17. Okay. Huge freaking swing by Jenny. Roll deception with disadvantage. Wow. A 21 and a 17. Okay. So immediately the person who just spoke to you, her jaw drops open and she goes, it is he. It is he who can assemble the assembly and bring light to us all.

Everyone on your knees, on your knees. And they all go to their knees and they go, assemble, assemble. And as you look behind them at the big piece of paper, you see that it is assembly instructions for a chandelier and you can see the pieces of it all around here but there is specifically lines about you know loosening lock nuts and removing the nipple and all kinds of arcane words that don't mean a whole lot to you but you definitely feel like you could probably swing into persuading these people to do stuff, if you so wish. All right, yeah, just like looking for a status update

and a check-in. So how are things going preparation-wise? We've been waiting for you all this time, waiting for you who could bring in and tie a knot in the supply cord and tuck it inside the provided canopy to provide strain relief. Could you do this for us?

Could you take us to this promised land of enlightenment, please? Ah, as was promised, I cannot do but teach and inspire. So, do it yourself, because you can. Uh, well, I mean... You always could. Okay. Believe in yourself. Just on the thing, it says you shouldn't do it alone.

We assumed that would be... So it's just us then. Yes, that was the secret message all along. Okay, so I'm going to have them roll for their faith. Oh my god, literally another natural one in a row. I've only rolled the dice twice. That's a 1 in 400 chance. That's f***ing crazy.

Wow. Scary. So you see a thousand yard stare fall into the priest's face as the words, you can do it on your own and you're alone, sort of echo in her head. And she goes, there's no one coming to save us from this. We have to build the chandelier ourselves, but our tiny rat hands can't do this.

And I don't know how to decipher some of these words. And I wasn't ready for this. I can't do this. Everyone, everyone, I can't do this. And she burst into tears and she goes, burn it all down. Destroy it all. The chandelier. We can't do this. We don't deserve this. This is a test and we all failed. I can't do this on my own. Hold on. Hold on.

Everyone remain calm. It sounds like we're having a crisis of faith. Am I right? Exactly. Okay. Allow me to reintroduce you to the almighty powers of the one true leader of the universe. Can I take the string that is still attached to Jenny and find like a beam or something to loop it over and lift Jenny into the air to make it look like she's flying?

Yeah. Love it. That's great. Okay, great. So you lift up Jenny and she just starts to float and the cult leader looks up and is like, again, what do I do with this?

You say that it's just us, but you're floating now. Are you going to do it? Is it happening? Was I wrong? Was that a test of faith? Oh no, I was supposed to believe that you would still save us and I still failed. What am I doing? Oh, everyone, it's Kool-Aid time. Everybody take out the Kool-Aid. Bring the thermoses that I gave you before. It's that time. It's time to take a big ride. Calm down.

Say a number. Seven? A little lower than that. Any number between one and six. Five? Okay. She throws the dice and wants it to roll a five. Oh, that's great.

Yay. And she goes, it's a miracle. And another one goes, I mean, it's a one in six chance. She goes, shut up. It's a miracle. You did that, not me. Your belief did that. You're right.

It's how we can do this. Everyone, we can do this. Let's build this future together. Let's build this brighter future. And then you hard cut and the room is on fire because they tried to build the chandelier and it didn't work

and they plugged it in and they're all electrocuted. Just 15 crispy burn to death rats. Their bodies smoking as you watch them from the other end of the room. Well, that went well. Holy crap, that was freaking horrific.

Tugboat is just crying. Oh my God. I'm sorry, that power went to my head quick. Can't believe we just stood there and watched them fail miserably. For those of you who survived and weren't too burned, a very holy place

is the first door on the four-door quadrant. There's a roach at the front desk. Just say that I sent you and you will be taken care of. Almost every single rat here is dead. There's like three or four of them who aren't and are just really badly burned and they follow you out

as you leave. The burned, still-living rat acolytes go like, oh, thank you. We knew that you would send us to the great hereafter. You would take us to paradise. We're so excited to go there. Well, you're going to come with us, right? Like later? Like you'll catch up with us later? For sure later.

In the meantime, just enjoy Valhalla, my friends. Thank you, Madam Jennifer. She who brings the light to all of us. We will see you definitely again. This is not going to be the last time you hear of us, my friends. Thank you, Madam Jennifer. She who brings the light to all of us. We will see you definitely again. This is not going to be the last time you hear of us, I promise. And then they head to the Regimental and they die ignominiously.

And you find yourselves chased back into the intersection of those four paths that brought you here, none of which managed to lead to a home for you, perhaps because of Jenny. How are you all feeling about this, that Jenny was unable to provide you with a safe haven like she promised? Pissed.

Reginald. But you know, it's freaking Jenny. What do you expect? Can I just say something as the oldest? Yes, please! When we were back there, Jenny didn't even blink. She decided to pretend to be the god of those people

in the same breath of hearing that they had a god. And I just think that that was pretty cool. I don't know if any of us would have fallen on the sword like that. Yeah, she's reckless, but it means that she's like putting herself out there for us in a way that we aren't doing for each other. And look, Jenny, you know Tugboat's middle name now, right? What's my name?

Uh, Boat is your middle name. Wow. I am placated. She's learning. Yeah, yeah. Who else has something nice to say? Stewie? Oh, no, you already said something mean.

Reginald? He's trying to escape again. Reginald's just falling asleep. Jenna Fart, maybe? And then the babushka comes back out. I think Jennifer's been doing a pretty good job today, and we should really, really think about accepting her into the family and forgiving her for past mistakes.

Where have you been? You haven't helped us at all. You get no say in this. Get out of here. Tugboat's done. Jennifer takes off the babushka and is just like, I mean, guys, I'm sorry.

I really did try my best and maybe just, um, maybe my best isn't good enough and maybe you guys are right that I just I don't deserve to be a part of this family and I don't deserve to have a family and I'm just not ripe for this world and I'm sorry. to have a family, and I'm just not ripe for this world,

and I'm sorry. I'll leave you alone. And she just goes to just kind of meander off to nowhere in particular. Does anyone follow Jennifer? We're giving her some space, but we're staying close. Great. So, simple yes or no question,

you refuse to take a side. So, as you walk away from your family who cared enough to appreciate your effort, but not enough to follow you and tell you that you're wrong, that you're not a piece of shit. You hear something coming from a pipe above you. You hear the sound of laughter. You smell beer and you hear music. Okay, I like beer. I sure as heck like laughing. Hmm, I'll inspect a little closer. What's this?

So you climb upward following that noise, that warmth, the music, the smell of spilled booze and piss and magic. you find yourself in the walls of what appears to be a tavern being run by what looks to be a bunch of people who are woefully unqualified to do so. So it seems like things are a little hectic around here. You do get the sense that this is a place for family. And as you look around the walls, you see that these walls have almost everything you need. There are a bunch of mousetraps, but they're already sprung,

so no damage there. And bonus free cheese. You see a bunch of mousetraps, but they're already sprung, so no damage there. And bonus free cheese. You see a bunch of sawdust that you could be using as the beds. You see that there's a hole in one of the walls that leads to the pantry where you could bite your way into the cereals and other boxed foods and also sh** in them afterward to make them completely unusable to any humans that want them. It's rat's paradise. The question is, is your family going to even trust your

recommendation enough at this point, given all you've been through? Okay, this looks absolutely perfect. And it's close to a kitchen too. I've always wanted to be close to a kitchen. I got to tell my family, this is it. They're finally going to love me and respect me and want me as part of the family. And she scurries off to go try to find the rest of the horde. So you head back to the intersection and find that your remaining siblings are gone and you head back to the burnt remnants of your home where you see them trying their best to salvage

what little remains of the husk that was left behind in the wake of your gambling addictions. And they're still there. Their faces are very sad. Your mom is definitely dead. They lower baby Steffi into a grave that says, who, her? Whatever in our hearts.

And the mood is dour. Oh, this was my pillow and that was my favorite pillow. I know you're so upset about your bed. Hey, guys. Jenny. What are you doing back here? Sorry. I ran all the way here.

Oh, man. I think I'm going to be sick. That was too much running for old Jenny. Oh, so baby stuffy did die, huh? Yeah. Who, her? Yeah. One of the last things she did was call into a podcast to roast my ass.

Must have been like her dying breath. Jesus. How did I really negatively affect so many people so intensely? did was call into a podcast and roast my ass must have been like her dying breath jesus how did i really negatively affect so many people so intensely oh my god well i don't know maybe uh if you could step off mom's corpse that'd be uh a good way of showing that oh that's what that is holy okay sorry mom rest in pieces. And everybody, an announcement. I found a new home. Let's go. Are you freaking kidding me?

You come here, make fun of dead little Steph, step on Mom's corpse, and then say rest in pieces? And you want us to take you seriously and follow you? Yeah, Jenny, let me guess. It's a podcast or a jazz place with a bunch of dead rats. Or maybe it's an MLM. What is it this time, Jenny? What do you want me to say? I'm sorry, Mama.

I didn't mean to hurt you. I didn't mean to make you cry. But tonight, I'm cleaning out my closet and then heading to a new home. So let's go. I'm in. I got one. I'm in. Reginald. I got one. I'm just so tired.

I need a bed. Well, if Reginald's going, then I'm going. Okay, that's two. Two, two. I'm tugging, tugging along. Tug me up. What am I saying?

Tug, tug, tug-a-roo. I'm coming too. Stewie, my guy. Listen, Jenny, I just need one genuine, sincere feeling from you where you don't sing, you don't make a freaking joke, you don't step on a corpse. Just sincerity. That's all I'm looking for. You know. Show me you've grown from this mistake. You know. Everybody's you've grown from this mistake. You know.

Everybody's dead in my life. It's just such a big ask. Jenny, do it. Okay, okay. Now, I'll show you an example. Do you know what my middle name is? Uh, Little? Callum Stewie.

It's Jenny. My middle name was named after you, okay? There was a lot of potential in you. That's what Mom saw, so she gave me your name as my middle name. And I feel like I've lived up to it, because I thought you were going to be something, too. Well, okay. And then Jennifer actually gets a little bit choked up. And she goes, I didn't know that.

And I gotta be honest, I haven't really been taking a lot of responsibility for my past actions. And just kind of acting like I was a bystander in my own life. And that's not fair to you guys. Maybe symbolically start afresh, Jenny. Yeah, Jenny. Yeah. Okay. Well, I really don't like the person that I was and I want to turn a new leaf and be something

different and better for you and for myself. And guys, Jenny's done, okay? I'm Jennifer now. And I'm gonna be different. If that's okay with you guys? You picked a pretty similar name, but sure. I really was.

I think I was calling you that sometimes and not sometimes. So I'm in. All right, Jennifer, lead the way. Follow me. And so now that they are getting a little bit more settled, it's going to be the first night that they're staying at Bottoms Up. She looks around and is really proud of the home that she was able to find to allow her family to be a family again.

And she checks in a bed where there's four little rats tucked in next to each other. Even though other beds were available, Little rats tucked in next to each other. Even though other beds were available, they all decided that it's probably best they sleep in one extra large pizza box. And Jennifer tucks in like the napkin that they're all under and goes, goodnight, family. Sweet dreams.

Goodnight, Jennifer. Jennifer. Hope you didn't just die. So yeah, you live within the walls of Bottoms Up for quite a while, happily and in comfort, until one fateful day... You forgot to mention, and you thought I wouldn't notice, your massive rat problem. Hey, his name's B. Hey, that's our friend B. You hear the sharp rap of a cane on the hardwood floor of Bottoms Up, and suddenly you and your entire family stand stiff at attention,

your eyes glazed over, your bodies frozen and in the control of another, and suddenly you feel yourself sprinting into Bottoms Up as fast as you can alongside all of your brothers and sisters and remaining siblings. What do we do to this guy? I'm just gonna say it. I miss our old guy, Rudy.

In that movie, he doesn't just take her off life support. He injects adrenaline into her heart to make it explode. It's really awful. Whoa. That can't be right. I think I missed that. That cannot be right.

I remember they do it. It's like Fast and the Furious where they zoom in through her veins and you see the heart go like a 3D thing of the heart and then it pops. For real? No, no, of course not.

Sitcom D&D is comprised of Elizabeth Andrews, Ben Briggs, Aaron Keefe, Waleed Mansour, and me, Sean Coyle. Arnie Parrott

wrote the theme song and Grace Harper did the editing on this one. And of course, we were joined on this episode by our friend Anthony

Birch, who did such an amazing job GMing this. I strongly encourage you, if you haven't already, to check out the podcast Dungeons and Daddies, which Anthony also GMs, a podcast about four human dads flung into the Forgotten Realms in a quest

to save their missing sons. It is not a BDSM podcast, but it is genuinely my favorite podcast of all time. They are well into season two at this point, but I recommend starting at the very beginning of season one. Consider joining our Patreon and help us as we inch closer and closer to our stretch goal of 500 patrons. We are very close. Doing so means we'll release a one-shot

gm'd by aaron keith inspired by the tv series lost the support from our patrons is what makes this show possible it's how we pay for editors equipment and all the expenses that go into creating this show that we absolutely love so hop on now for $5 and get access to over 30 hours of content instantly. And for those of you who are already subscribed to our Patreon, shout out to the Kitchen Rats. This week's episode is Music Talk, where I ask the gang a bunch of questions about music and the role it plays in their lives,

but only end up getting through a couple questions because the convo is just flowing. One of those days. Okay, I think that's it for now. Until next Tuesday, and thanks, as always, for listening. Hello, hello, hi! It's Elizabeth Andrews in your beautiful little ears to tell all of our LA-based listeners

that if you're jonesing for some more comedy but live you know to watch with your face boy do we have the shows for you i'm talking about this sweet new collective called chai lax it's a collective comprised of chicago comedy style comedians that are living in la now hence the chai and the lax see what we did there every wednesday at 7pm at the Yard Theatre, you can see a Chicago-style show. Like I'm talking about our buddies Wet Bus is the second Wednesday of every month. We'll lead Sean and Aaron. We'll be there, baby.

I host the Illuminati Hour, which is the first Wednesday of the month with my good buddy Damon Royster, and our next show is November 2nd. Follow us on Instagram at theilluminatihour to stay up to date or go check out the yard theater calendar. Cause they've got some great shows,

man. Oh, looks like my car's here. See y'all later. That was a hate gun podcast.