Stop Podcasting Yourself - Episode 554 - Maddy Kelly

Episode Date: October 29, 2018

Comedian Maddy Kelly joins us to talk witchcraft, Smallfoot, and suburban malls.

Hi, he's Dave Shumka. And he's Graham Clark. And together we host Stop Podcasting Yourself. Woo! Hello everybody and welcome to episode number 554 of Stop Podcasting Yourself. My name's Graham Clark, and with me as always is a man who couldn't look more fall if he tried, Mr. Dave Shumka. I'm wearing a mix of yellow and orange. Yeah.

I am, it's a plaid. It's too hot. Well, also we were having some technical issues here in the new studio so i'm i'm you know i'm i'm sweating the details yeah yeah yeah oh yeah i'll flop no sweat um uh but this is a good this is this is what i picture when i think of fall dave yeah i have a nice plaid and then like a textured uh long sleeve shirt underneath yeah yeah yeah I'm going on a hayride. Oh yeah. Yeah. Absolutely. Little thing of cocoa. Yeah.

Maybe, uh, are you a pumpkin pie man? Yeah. I'm all, I'm an all pie. All pie. Yeah.

Pumpkin pie is one of the rare pies that I will buy from a grocery store. Yeah. For some reason it's not bad. Yeah. Yeah. It's fine. The filling is the same as the one you buy in the can. Yep.

And the one you buy in the can is someone you make at home. And that voice you're hearing is our guest today. Pumpkin expert. Pumpkin expert. She's a fall designer. Yeah, basic bit. Comedian Maddie Kelly is our guest. Hello.

Hello. How are you? I'm good. I'm excited. Yeah, we're excited to have you. Should we get to know us? Yeah. Yeah.

Oh, my God. Get to know us. Now, Maddie. Maddie, thank you for being here. Unfortunately, we were trying to do white guy-tober and... And yeah, you brought that streak to a screeching halt yeah i'm half white all right and i'm pretty masculine in my energy no normally we we like to not have so many just plain old white guys in a row but but we really did it this we really did it yeah

um are you doing anything? Like, I know October seems to be like a month that people do a thing for the month. There's Sober October or Inktober. What's Inktober? So a lot of people. You get a tattoo a day? Yeah, a tattoo every day. It's for people who draw. They have to draw something every day and post it somewhere.

Are you doing anything? No. No? Because I didn't know that was a requirement. No. I do Shock Rocktober. What's that? Oh, well, I listen to my favorite Shock Rockers, Marilyn Manson, Alice Cooper.

Billy Idol. And I do, what other Tovers do I? I don't know. Shrektober. Shrektober. Oh, I'm doing Shrektober. What's involved? Well, this is real.

In your denomination. Yeah, the way I practice. Every party I've gone to for the last two months, actually, so it's not really October specific, but I want to tell you about it. I will ask to play a really good dance song, and then I'll play. two months actually so it's not really october specific but i want to tell you about it i will ask to play a really good dance song and then i'll play no i'll say i'm going to play something off the shrek soundtrack and then i will play something that is not on the shrek soundtrack and then i'll play the twin peaks theme song and i will play all kinds of things that are so aggressively not

on the shrek soundtrack and then i'll just put one in that is on the Shrek soundtrack and everyone loses their mind. This is a good party trick. Yeah. How many songs on the Shrek soundtrack do you think you can name? Which one? One, two, or three, or the fourth? The Shrek, the fourth.

I mean, I could do two Smash Mouth songs and that's about it. Yeah. I could do a lot. Could you? Off of the first? First, yeah. Okay, go. The Smash Mouth one? Yeah. All Star. All Star. No, All Star.

What if I just couldn't do any? The other stuff? Hallelujah. Donkey thing? My Beloved Monster. Ah, Eels. What's the one that's like, I don't give a damn about your reputation. Is that Joan Jett? No. Something like that. like, I don't give a damn about your reputation. Is that Joan Jett? No.

Something like that. Yeah. I know it as the Freaks and Geeks. Sure. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Good show. I actually could just look at my phone because I have them all downloaded onto my Tidal.

It's one of my offload options. It's Frank Ocean, Blonde, and Trek One soundtrack. What is, why Tidal? Why'd you go with Tidal? Why did I go with Tidal? I don't know anyone who went with Tidal. It is more money. Yeah.

Is it better? But it's so money. I didn't know there was other options at the beginning, but now having looked at the other options, I like it. It's all black. In what regard? The interface is black color. And it's very sleek and cool.

And it has cool playlists that they make for you. And you can, I think they pay people more. Oh, they pay the artists more. Yeah, they pay the artists more. Also, at the time, Lemonade was very important to me. Right, and that was only on title. How many songs from Lemonade can you name, Graham? All of them.

Lemonade, Five Cents. Sugar, Ice, Water, Lemons, When Life Gives You Lemons, Make Lemonade, and Remix of Lemon Lemonade Five Cents. Yeah. That's all 10 songs. Yeah. Am I right? Yep. I got them all.

Melanade. And then the one with Jack White. Everyone's like, what? Do you remember that press conference when it was all the artists for title? Sort of, yeah. And then also Danger Mouse was there with his head on. It was all these people that were humans. And then this guy. Not Danger Mouse was there with his head on. It was like all these people that were humans. And then this guy.

Not Danger Mouse. No, what's his name? Dead Mouse. Dead Mouse, thank you. I like Danger Mouse a lot more. Well, Danger Mouse is a guy too. Really? Yeah.

So is Mighty Mouse. Yep, that's true. Any other mice? Mickey. Modest. Modest. Good, good mouse roundup. Now, Maddie, is you a-

Maddie Mouse? Maddie Mouse? Maddie Mouse is cute. I tried to, oh boy. I had never, Maddie was like just my name. My name's Madeline, you know? Hi, I'm Dave. Everyone called me Maddie, so I didn't have like a fun nickname because everyone said

Maddie already was a nickname. And so I tried to get Minnie going for a while. Yeah. It didn't take. Turns out. You can't start a nickname. You can't start your own nickname. Yeah.

Like, you can do a short. We didn't start our own nickname. It was Curly something. You're very much into witch stuff, crystals, all of these things. I took your coat when you got here and you, what did you say? I said, don't worry. You said, are you sure I can take your coat? And I said, don't worry.

I took the crystals out and put them in my pocket. So you have crystals in these pockets now? I only have one in my pocket. I have one in my purse. Teach me about this crystal. Okay. I was not picturing that. That looks like an egg. I thought that was, that looks like a, like a Robin's not picturing that. That looks like an egg.

I thought that looks like a robin's egg. It does. It looks like a little egg. Well, I don't really, I honestly don't believe in the crystals. I believe in other stuff. Well, then can I take it? Yeah, you can do whatever you want with it. Have it. Do you feel different?

Just a little. I did a little magic trick where I took it away where'd it go I do believe in goal setting and I think they feel nice and then sometimes I'll forget I'm trying to be different or nicer or something and I'll be like oh this one's for this

and I'll put it in my pocket and then I'll feel it during the day and I'll be like oh yeah you're being a raging bitch so oh boy so they're like reminder rocks yeah but you're being a raging bitch. So, oh, boy. So they're like reminder rocks. Yeah, but they're also really pretty. Yeah.

And I charge them up under the full moon. How do you do that? That's exactly what it sounds like. No, okay, but like you lay them outside? Well, I'm naked and... There's sushi all over me. Do you have, yeah, do they have to see the moon? They have to see the, well have yeah do they have to see the moon they have to see

well yeah they have to be outside or I mean windowsills in a pinch when I was in New York I wasn't like wandering the streets with my crystals you know

enough of that action happening you were in New York for CrystalCon for six months yep

I was there for four but six sounds so much better you know six months is like oh she really did it. Four is like, why did you do that? It's longer than I've ever been there. So there you go. Welcome to New York.

Yeah. Tay Swift. Oh, yeah. Probably the best song written about New York. Probably. Yeah. Probably the best song written by Taylor Swift. About New York?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Not the best song written by Taylor Swift overall. No, no, no. What's probably the best one song written by Taylor Swift overall. No, no, no. What's probably the best one ever written by Taylor Swift? You know, We're Never Getting Back to Galer? That one's really sassy. It's fun. That is sassy.

I think probably Style. Oh, yeah. Style? What a buckwild pick. We never go out of style. Oh, that one. I didn't even know what song that was. That's how left field it was.

I don't know. Is she not untitled? I'm partial to a Shake It Off. Oh, sure. Oh, yeah, yeah. But that's only because, like, I've never ever in my spare time listened to a Taylor Swift song. But I enjoy my friends like her. You only do it for work?

Yeah. I clock in, I clock out, you know? I put in my hours. I clock in I clock out you know I put in my hours um when uh

so you said there was enough of this witchy stuff going on did you meet other witch people in New York oh my god

I went I googled witch store because I needed some candles some colored candles which is very important in witchcraft how come

I don't know okay like who made up any of these things you know witches yeah a witch a group of witch.

A coven. A coven. Oh, if I could just be in a coven. Right now I'm just this, sometimes I'm in Banyan Books and Sound, which is the witch store by my house. Yeah. What's the local witch store here? Like there's one in every neighborhood.

Yeah. This is the Cauldron Time book. I don't have a witch store. I have a fortune teller in my neighborhood. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That I figure like she's probably got some pamphlets. I have a fortune teller in my neighborhood. I figure she's probably got some pamphlets if I need to get into it. I have a 4chan teller. Just tells me what's going on on 4chan.

Is it Reddit? Yeah, it's Reddit. So you went to buy some colorful pamphlets? Oh yeah, I went to buy, and the witches that I know are old lady witches. They work at Bandy Books, and sometimes I'll be talking or looking at a book, and I'll be like that I know are old lady witches, you know, like the work at Bandy Books. And I, sometimes I'll be like talking or looking at a book and I'll be like, oh, I'll be like, I can tell someone's trying to scout me, but they never pick me or ask me to be in their coven or anything.

I don't know if my energy's all janked or what. But then it was in New York and like all the witches are like very buffy, like 90s cool girl witches. And I wasn't into that either, apparently. So what kind of, what kind of coven are you looking for? Just like. Okay, well, I had a new moon party this month. Okay, when was the new moon?

The 11th, I think. Oh, is it always the 11th? No. And I guess my invitation got lost in the mail. It got lost in the moon. What, and there's a new moon every month? Yeah. What are the phases of the moon?

Do you want me to tell you? Yeah, yeah. Okay, so the new moon every month? Yeah. What are the phases of the moon? Do you want me to tell you? Yeah, yeah. Okay. So the new moon, you make wishes. And then I think it wanes and you clean your house. Oh, that's. What if I wish for my house to just be clean? And also, you clean your house once a month?

Well, it's been clean. Okay. Okay. I do a tidy. I'll do the dishes. Yeah. But I'm not moving any couches every week you know yeah fair enough and then you can moon's waning then before it's full moon you can curse

somebody and then you get all charged up and you charge all your crystals and do all the stuff and then i think when it's going when it's whack no it waxes and you clean your room and then when it wanes you what are you doing with the waxing you clean your room clean your room there's a lot of cleaning then on the other side you do blank meditation what's that i don't know i know i just i saw an infographic about this oh the information all the information i'm giving you is from one book i read in pinterest big witch side of pinterest um what uh so okay. I mean, the cleaning, it makes sense they've got brooms. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

I don't have one. You don't have a broom? Are you a real witch or are you just a poser? No, I want to do it. I read the book. My New Year's resolution was to be a better witch, and I've done pretty well. So you don't have a broom. Do you have a cauldron?

I have my womb. Well, that's technically... Is the cauldron a metaphor for womb well that's technically is that is the cauldron a a metaphor for the womb hey and if so why you got all that eye of newton there it's because you create things in your womb so witches don't have actual cauldrons listen i can't speak for every witch i'm just telling you the path i'm walking doesn't involve a lot of stuff. But the type of coven that you want to hang out with is what? Old witches?

Yeah. Young witches? Old ones. Old witches. Because my new moon party. They don't want me at all. No one wants me. My new moon party, I had a lot of young people, my friends, and we read tarot and ate.

Oh, my God. This is the other thing. And ate tarot. We're funny. Thanks for coming thing. And ate taro. Oh, we're funny. Thanks for coming out. Thanks for the poi. Yeah. But everyone was pretty cool about it.

And I wanted it to be wine and cheese party also. Right. And then I bought too much cheese and wine. I bought too much. Dave Matthews, is he on title? He might be on title. He might be. Okay. So I bought too much. Dave Matthews, is he on title? He might be on title. He might be. Okay.

So you bought too much. So now every night I live by myself. I'm a single lady and I just sit. All the single ladies. That's on title, definitely.

I just eat a little wine and cheese board by myself to get rid of the leftovers. All by myself. Wow, Dave, you really curated a soundtrack for this story.

For my life. Yeah. It's the saddest fancy thing that's ever happened to me. Is having too much The saddest fancy thing? I guess you've never

been left to the altar. That is such a That's so true. That's maybe the saddest fancy thing that can happen. I don't know, you get food poisoning from caviar.

Yeah. I feel like I'm so sad about this food poisoning from caviar yeah i feel like i'm so sad about this food poison that's true i guess that's not an emotional i'm trying to think of like something that happened yeah where it was like a fancy thing immediately followed by a sad thing i definitely have been dropped off at an airport that was not open in a fancy town car, like at four in the morning. Wow. Yeah.

Where they're like, your flight's at six. And I'm like, you're sure the airport, they're going to let me in at four o'clock in the morning? Because airports never close. Yeah, exactly. That's what I thought. Wrong. I didn't know they close.

Well, they don't close so much as there's no one in there and you have to stay in the one area. Why are you getting there so early? Because of his flight. Yeah, because of my flight. And because I didn't get to organize my ride. Sure. You get to pimp your ride? Yeah, they let me pimp it.

They let me put a fish tank in there. Completely ruin the car. What was the worst pimp my ride you ever saw? That is a good, that's a great question. I'm very foggy on it. I do remember fish tanks. I do remember fish tanks. I remember the trunk being used for things like,

oh, you open up the trunk, there's a flat screen TV, you can play PlayStation behind your car while the TV sucks your battery dry. There was one with a DJ where the tailgate came down and it was two turntables. And I was like, but then he has to back his car into whatever club he's playing. I mean, or he's doing, I guess, field pieces.

But that was, I think, the worst one. Do you remember the worst one you saw? I think, well, it's the only one I remember actually I remember like yeah same thing like weird details but the only one I remember was a nurse and so they just made her car like a hospital and on the side they did like

a decal of like a heart monitor it was awful and she was like what? I'm a hard working person can I not drive around with my work? But it wasn't even an ambulance theme. It was a hospital theme. Like, it had the stuff in it.

Just got some old magazines in there. Somebody's dead. Yeah, we put this cadaver puppet in the back. Cadaver? Cadaver. That's when the dead body's thrown off a building into the ocean. It's Ed MacGyver. Yeah. That's when the dead body is thrown off a building into the ocean. Instead said MacGyver. What?

It would have gone that way. It would have been, I think it would have been cool with like IV bags, just bags of IV fluid. For when you're really hungover? Yeah, just like, oh, let me hook you up to my trunk. Yeah, it would be good to know somebody that works in a hospital for getting wasted. That would be, right? They've got all the stuff. Or just having the flu. know somebody that works in a hospital for getting wasted. They've got all the stuff. Or just having the flu.

Having an IV changes your whole thing. Really? I have some problems. If I get a weird flu, I'd have to go to the hospital. Get IVs? Yeah, because I just can't. If anything goes wrong with my body, it's like a year's gone.

Really? I don't know. I don't know why. You're a delicate constitution? I guess so. Have you tried witchcraft? That's what I'm trying to do. Okay.

The other reason I like witchcraft is because sometimes I get really sad about being a woman, just sort of existentially. And it's just unfair and nothing you want to do is the same and everyone judges you and then i was like well pro witches we gotta be a witch maybe there's inherent power to my womb so then that's why i did it yeah there's absolutely power to your womb yeah well power to your womb thank you and also with you yeah um what so we're not talking about wicca are we talking about wicca wicca is one of the paths you can walk but like men can be wiccans right yeah anyone can be anything really i don't feel like men don't they have to be warlocks isn't that the thing or can a

man be a witch well in my book that i really like by lisa lister called witch which i was telling you about she literally is like i'm just gonna talk to a woman if someone else wants to read it or like she was even like i feel like go for it do whatever you want but i'm gonna talk a lot about breathing into your womb that'd be a funny thing to do in a book of first page hey hey this isn't for you yeah but this down is only for It's only for cool people. My Book of Witches by Roald Dahl. Oh, God. They really set us back. Pretty funny cover.

Pretty scraggly looking witches there. That was actually, we were talking before about movies that are always on TV. And I remember multiple times my mom would take me to The Lady Who Waxed Her Legs, like in her house, you know? You know some people have the lady who waxed her leg i'd always have to watch tv with her weird son and he was always watching the witches no but i don't know your mother would take you to a lady who waxed your mother's legs yeah so you know how some people have like home business right like dr huxtable

head over that uh basement uh i don't know who that is uh that was from the cosby show oh i knew it oh duh yeah he had his uh he had his practice in his basement of a townhouse so did the guy from uh the other family show oh growing pain yeah yeah he's a psychiatrist in the in his house yeah i don't think I'd feel comfortable going into a psychiatrist's house and getting psychiatry. No. I think that's actually pretty common. Really? I think because you just need a den.

I know, but I don't want to smell somebody's house. Absolutely not. Yeah. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. Unless I'm having my legs waxed. I saw my therapist in jogging shorts going for a run and I was like, well, that's the end of that. Sorry.

Reason for leaving? You have chicken legs. You have a fanny pack. When do you go running? Oh, really? Maybe he's going for long runs. I'm sure he is. He's probably a pretty together person. But still.

You gotta be telling other people what to do yeah the like in this witch stuff is there a type of clothing is everybody wearing

a cloak is anybody wearing a cloak or is it just come as you are come as you are okay I don't I don't know what I'm doing.

Do people get into the witch stuff for the cloaks, do you think, though? That's what I, well, that's what I was thinking. I was thinking, like, what's the look that I would go with if I was into witch stuff? Well, at Banyan Books and Sound, they are always wearing, you know, those really ugly hoodies you see some people wear? Where they're, like like patchwork hoodies. Oh, yeah. You know those? Yeah.

That seems to be very popular in the witch community. It's like if someone made a horrible quilt and ripped all the things and then made it into a hoodie. Now I've said it. You will see it everywhere. Okay. Yeah. They're always reading Aragon or something, you know. This is a very specific person You're painting a picture

You're going to get banned from Banyan Books Oh I steal there Alright well No I don't Sometimes I want to I always want to steal self help books Because I don't want them to know what my problem is Yeah and they're usually titled steal this book And stuff like that

No man allowed to read this. Yeah. Now, you and I, we had a bet. Yeah. Did you tell Dave? No. No, we made a casual bet. We made an important bet.

Hi, Maddie. Hello. Good to meet you. Normally, when we get to know us, we actually ask the person about their lives. That's true. But no, this was great. We went on a weird, witch tangent.

I'm 22. Okay. I don't have much to tell. I don't know about you. Yeah. I'm feeling 22. So every year you, every time you get sick,

you lose a year of your life. Yeah. Yeah. You get sick 22 times. And you, but yeah, normally we, but we took a weird tangent and it seems like

we're going to take another bet tangent. Yeah. Yeah. I think you'll like this. Okay. We had a bet. I, I thought. Are you a gambler?

Oh, no, but I do like a good, like I will throw down on a good bet. And you know when to hold them. Yeah, that's true. Uh, and my, my bet with Maddie was that I was sure that Ariana Grande and Pete Davidson were going to last longer than Elon Musk and Grimes. Oh. Yeah. Did both couples start dating around the same time? Yeah.

Yeah-ish. Yeah. And both are, you know, in the spotlight and both pretty ludicrous. Yeah. In their own ways. Yeah, and man, I lost that bet. You lost the bet, but I want to tell how the bet happened. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

So who broke up first? Elon Musk and Grimes are together forever, baby. Oh no, they broke up a while ago. What? Oh, that's a weird foil thing. They didn't break up. We're recording this on the 18th.

They're well broken up. Yes, I think. Really? I think so. Oh, I might be getting my $20 back. You might because that would. Let me just open up my phone. I will say because we made this bet on Friday night.

Yeah. This Friday. This past Friday. You said the words, and I quote, those two are this bet on Friday night. Yeah. This Friday. This past Friday. You said the words, and I quote, those two are built to last. That's true. I did say that. Ariana Grande. And I said, borderline personality disorder and baby princess.

No, princess baby. That's what I called her. You said that Elon Musk and Grimes was America's couple. And then I quickly reminded you that neither of them are American. I said that Elon Musk and Grimes are a metaphor for how we can reach across the aisle and i stand by it but they broke up and then two days later p davidson ariana grande broke up 48 hours yeah um 48 hours i think i'm wrong about this according this, according to the most recent... The most recent headline I read, I see here. Elon Musk and Grimes took a cursed trip to a pumpkin patch with his five sons.

What? His five sons? I guess so. Wait, I hope we never heard about that. Yeah. That does sound cursed though. It does. Yeah.

It sounds like something I'd be into. I'd love to be that nanny. Oh yeah. Elon Musk's nanny to his friends. Who's weirder? Who's weirder of those two? Yeah. Well, I think that's a tough one.

You're wrong. It's Elon Musk is weird. Elon Musk is weirder grimes is like just alt lady yeah right she's cool i like um elon musk uh he's got uh really funky hair plugs he's one of the only rich guys that really put his money towards his his hairline there's a lot of you know yeah jeff bezos bald there's a you know a lot of, you know, Jeff Bezos, bald. There's a lot of... But you know why? Because you can't go from bald to a full head of hair.

You can if you've got that much money. I'm sure you can, but you should you. I don't know if you should. You're right. Maybe you shouldn't. Grimes and Elon Musk go on a, what is it, cursed trip with his five sons? To a pumpkin patch.

Well, they did, apparently they did break up, but they were most recently seen at a pumpkin patch. Yeah, there's no way you would go to a pumpkin patch with an ex. I would go to a pumpkin patch with my ex. You would? Well, you're so close to your ex's

five sons. Yeah, man. That's weird that, it is weird that i've never heard anything about his five his crazy amount of sons how would you if i had five kids and i would like and it was time to like tell them about like resisting peer pressure well Well, unless Joe Rogan tells you that marijuana and tobacco is a wonderful combination. And he learned it from Dave Chappelle. Well, in that case, if a camera's on you, you've got to smoke that doobie. Yeah. Oh, boy.

Well, I'm imagining his sons as old. And I don't know why. I'm not imagining children. Yeah, I'm imagining that. Sort of like the Romney boys. Where you're like, what? How are you all the same age are they like grimes's age do you think probably no she's actually older than

you think oh okay yeah so they're all i mean adults and they're all going to a pumpkin patch together yeah was some of them have to be pumpkin patch age hey you're never i like the idea that you know some people get really sad about a breakup at Christmas and they like end up together but it's like for them it's Halloween because they're so spooky like what are we going to be a part on Halloween? Halloween's for the for family I'd hate to be so lonely on Halloween

yeah I've got all this fun sized candy the portal's most open what do you think Elon Musk gives away for Halloween? oh sure probably gives away some pretty cool fuel cells yeah batteries big batteries What do you think Elon Musk gives away for Halloween? Oh, sure. Probably gives away some pretty cool. Fuel cells?

Yeah, batteries. Big batteries. I was thinking he was giving away some sort of space, you know, space candy. Jetpack. Oh, QA bar. Astronaut ice cream. I don't think he's a pun guy. I think he's just all weird all the time.

Yeah. You know he gives Musk musk cologne. That's fun. That is fun. I think he gives like a crow's skeleton or something informational, maybe. Crow's skeleton? I don't know. Yeah.

Here you go, kids. I have a whole box of these. Hundreds of them. I'm very rich and I can have this. No one asks questions about why I have all these crow's skeletons. No one asks questions about why I have all these crow skeletons. It's weird that he's so weird, but the first thing that made him all his money is a thing that's not very weird. PayPal? Yeah, like PayPal's not weird.

Like SpaceX is weird. That he's like, I'm going to be in charge of space now. I'm going to do that. That's weird. That's a weird thing to do. But PayPal is like a very normal. That's how it always goes. Like, the eccentric billionaire always had like a very normal idea, you know?

Yeah, they make their money from the normal thing. And then they use that money. To go bananas. Yeah. But like, how did he? It's like how Ray Kroc made all his money for McDonald's. And then he, uh, uh, had that vampire colony. I was going to say that spider farm. But then some guys like him, he said he was just like, uh, he was just like some, like

he wasn't ever eccentric. Was he Ray Kroc? I don't know. He was just, I think he was just a guy that owned a lot of ever eccentric. Was he right? Croc? I don't know. He was just, I think he was just a guy that owned a lot of real estate. Yeah. Like Warren Buffett. He doesn't seem like a strange guy.

No. And neither does Bill Gates. Like Bill Gates doesn't, but then Steve Wozniak, like always on a jet ski. Hmm. So even James Cameron, we're like,

what are you up to? Yeah. What is he up to? He's just making all these Avatar sequels. Every time I hear about him, he's trying to go lower in the ocean. Yeah, that's true. How low can you go, JC? How horny are you for the bottom?

Get me in that trench. Yeah, because didn't he only make Titanic so that he could go and make... So he could fuck the ocean. And the abyss. Yeah. Right? That one's directly sexual. I thought. Yeah. That's true. It's a lot of... Yeah. Right? It's a lot of sea

liquid. What is this mysterious sea liquid? So I honestly don't think we can rule on this bet yet. Okay. Interesting. If Musk and So I honestly don't think we can rule on this bet yet. Okay. Interesting. If Musk and Grimes can break up and get back together, you got to give Davidson and Grande a chance.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think they're going to get back together. Because she's still got that engagement ring that cost $144,000 or whatever. Which, is that a lot for somebody like her? She's very famous. Yeah. Did she pay for that herself? I'm guessing.

I just don't even, when did they even have time to hang out together? They were so busy doing interviews about the other person. It was bizarre. Yeah. I often, uh, I would,

yeah, I would think about that. Like where, cause isn't she always on tour? Isn't he always on Saturday Night Live? Yeah. 22 weeks a year. But then the other, any spare time they seem to have, they were like, get me on Howard Stern so I can talk about it on the blog.

I don't know. He was mostly, I only know him as a guy who's photographed in weird shorts. Sure. Like that. He also got to go to Aretha Franklin's funeral. Uh-huh. Well, that just. Well, because she did.

Yeah, I know. But that's like a weird thing that even if they stay broken up. That happened to him. He will always have been at Aretha Franklin's funeral. Which is a pretty weird thing. Yeah. For a guy who's not Ariana Grande. For a guy who can't even spell respect.

for a guy who's not Ariana Grande. For a guy who can't even spell respect. That's not a thing about him. He's not a dumb guy. No. I don't know what his thing is.

I mean, he's got a big dick energy. Yeah. Somebody on Twitter made a very funny joke. I can't remember the person's name, but that he's tall.

That that's what she, that she was dating him because he's tall. Another good one was, it turns out Big Dick Energy is not a renewable resource. Zing! Yeah, pretty good zing. Elon Musk could probably turn it into it. Yeah. That's what he gives out for Halloween. We got to get those two couples together.

Oh, that would be a great couple's night. Oh, that would be a great couple's night. Oh, that would be a great movie. Yeah. Yeah. Well, then I was telling you about... What do you two have

in common with us? We don't even have things in common with each other. Yeah. There was a whole... There would be a real swapperoo.

Thing like Azalea Banks. Yeah. She was trapped in there. She was trapped in there in the musk house yeah oh yeah you told me that and he was like doing he was doing acid and she was like so was grimes so was grimes and she's like i can't find my way out of this house this giant house and so she was live tweeting how insane everything was yeah uh then there's no like butler there's no alfred or pepper pots there's probably a robot that you. There's no Alfred or Pepper Potts.

There's probably a robot that she didn't know the command word to get it. But that's why I made that bet. When we were talking about that, I was like, I think two weirdos can do acid in a mansion together for a very long time. I don't think two people, like, you know, I don't know, whatever you'd characterize. I remember, like, 12 or 13 years ago Having a bet That About

British Female Artists And who would still be popular In the future And I was like Oh Lady Sovereign Is always gonna be popular

Lily Allen Is a flash in the pan Oh wow And the truth is Neither of them Are particularly popular The difference is that I know

who Lilliana is yeah you don't know Lady Sovereign? I was I'm not sure I know Lady Sovereign do you know

could I name a song? she's got that one everybody get random that sounds like that sounds like you could have just made it up right now. Make way for the SOV.

Oh, Love Me or Hate Me. That's the song. It's still an obsession. Love Me or Hate Me. That is the question. That's pretty good. Lily Allen, she's still around, right? Yeah. So you lost that bet, technically. Yeah, I owe someone $20. Lily Allen she's still around right? Yeah

So you lost that bet technically Yeah I owe someone $20 $20 is a good amount to bet Perfect It feels like you got

some skin in the game but also like if you lose you're like Ah Yeah What a fun time Yeah exactly

It's true Do I have to give you your $20 back? No no I don't think they I think I thought you ruled that they broke up

Yeah but the but Elon Musk ruled that they broke up. Yeah, but they... But Elon Musk and Grimes broke up first, and then they got back together. They got back together. Or they pumpkin patched. So as of our bet, they were together. They patched up their relationship.

Hey, yeah. Yeah. We didn't put a timeline on this one. So it really is who... who's walking down that aisle. Or it's who uh who's still together by the time one of you dies that's true yeah yeah i have the 20 right now probably they'll have the uh staying power to be around for years and years those i plan on dying very young there you go because of all my problems yeah your. Your years lost to illnesses.

Dave, what's going on with you, man? Guys, I don't get a chance to go out to movies very often. No. This past week, I went to three movies. What the fuck? Wow. Yeah. Holy shit.

Here they are. Okay. Are we in order of goodness? Okay. Yeah. Let's go the worst first. Yeah, worst first. Smallfoot. order of goodness okay yeah let's go the worst first yeah worst first smallfoot is it true that zendaya is michi zendaya is michi yeah

um so smallfoot is uh janning tatum plays a bigfoot a yeti a role he was born to play yeah uh and I went with my four-year-old daughter. And she, because she's now at the age where she can sit through a movie. Yeah. Unless it's so bad. Could she not deal? She was, she, well, here's what happened is we stopped at the 7-Eleven before the movie to sneak some stuff into the movie theater. And I got some gum for myself.

Just some... Some movie gum. Well, for, you know, some walking around gum. And she was like, is that minty gum or bubble gum? And I was like, oh, it's just minty gum. But she's never had bubble gum. And I was like, well, you know what? After the movie, maybe you can have some bubble gum. In fact, let's check around the 7-Eleven. They didn't have had bubble gum. And I was like, well, you know what? After the movie, maybe you can have some bubble gum.

In fact, let's check around the 7-Eleven. They didn't have any bubble gum. They didn't have any like Bubblicious or Hubba Bubba. What about Big League Chip? Nope. Nothing. Wow. Kids these days.

And so I was like, well, okay, well, after the movie, we'll get you some bubble gum and you can try it. And you probably won't be able to blow a bubble if that's what you're getting your hopes up for. I couldn't. Yeah. I was like 10.

And so, uh, like five minutes into the movie, she's like, can I get bubble gum? Oh, great. Oh,

and I was like, no, we gotta, we're going to watch this movie. And if you keep asking about it, there's no bubble gum. Wow. Well, it was coming up a lot.

This was one detail that she fixated on. And I didn't think it was a big deal. And it was. Not her fault. No, but bubble gum is pretty magical. Even just thinking about it now, I'm like, I really want some bubble gum. I would totally eat bubble gum I would totally eat bubble gum

just the smell of it and the squishiness of those big bricks of it blowing bubbles but they lost their flavor so damn fast

yeah but that flavor ooh and it's there Elon Musk should get on that long lasting bubble he's kind of like our Willy Wonka isn't he

he is that's a very good observation who would Willy Wonka date oh boy yes that's a very good observation who would Willy Wonka date oh boy and who's Azalea Banks

in this can't get out of the factory Violet Beauregard one of the old men in the bed and so we

yeah so and also this movie was 3D which I will never like not until the kids are much older will I invest in a 3d movie?

Glasses on glasses. And also so much more expensive. Oh yeah. Yeah. And they, uh, and it's not immersive. Like,

no, but like the, the, the 3d, it's nothing like it's just, you're seeing stuff on the screen, but like, it's not, you don't feel like you're a part of the action. They don't try to include the audience.

Oh, I see. Like, they make a non-3D version of the same movie. Yeah. Right. It's not Avatar. Remember when it used to just be, like, the same movie with little blue and red dots around, and then one time in the entire picture, someone would just, like, stick their hand in, and you'd be like, ah! And now, that's all I want. Yeah, just one.

Yeah. I remember Spy Kids. She asked for for popcorn she asked me for the popcorn what pretty crazy that was you it was me because you got asked uh so that movie also the songs are not good and there's songs why are there songs in this movie that's a good question yeah it i always think like if you only ever hear of a movie because one of the actors is on the view or you only see posters up like you don't see any tv ads but you see posters yeah like this is cut a trailer well the trailer's only playing during kids shows yeah and you know like the poster they're like the poster. Like, it's a good looking... And it was just like, it was really confusing probably for kids.

Like, we didn't really talk about it, but the humans can't understand the Yetis, and the Yetis can't understand the humans. And it just goes back and forth between a Yeti speaking English and a Yeti going raw. Like with no. Yeah. Cause they don't get object permanence. Well, they do get that. No, they don't get theory of mind.

Well, I don't. Not mind. I'm really climbing this up. I bet she's always trying to just use science words and he's like, for God's sakes. Yeah. I bet she's always trying to just use science words and he's like, for God's sakes. So that movie, low on the list. Low on the list. James Corden, unforgettable though. Unforgettable and just great and everything.

He's the first late night TV show host where they're like, you can also still be a movie guy. You can also still be an actor and things. And that's never happened before. I guess so. Well, like it's usually was like, now that's what you do.

Yeah. Like you've been assigned this task. You have to do it every night. Also, you're tired, aren't you? Yeah. Oh my God. He's got tons of energy. That James Corden.

I remember watching him in Begin Again. And I was like, and Doctor Who. And it was like the same year. And I'm like, this guy came and I was like and Doctor Who and it was like the same year and I'm like this guy came out of nowhere

and then boom he was you know yeah very quick trajectory over there yeah he's got

you know he can sing he can dance he's got talent just popping out of his polo shirt that's buttoned all the way up

to the top monster the next worst movie I saw yeah was for much cheaper seven dollars7 of the, uh, a couple of blocks from here.

Yeah. Halloween, the original. Ah, the OG. I've never seen this movie. It's, uh. Only $7. Yeah. Have you seen it?

I, uh, there's a lot of movies I've seen the first 20 minutes of, cause I was in a film class and we had to watch the end for homework and I didn't do homework. So. Yeah. You're like Dave. Dave didn't do homework either. Yeah. Yeah. I've seen the first 20 minutes of because I was in a film class and we had to watch the end for homework and I didn't do homework. So. Yeah, you're like Dave. Dave didn't do homework either. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've seen the first 20 minutes of a lot of movies. I would do homework if it involved watching a thing.

It was literally the fact that it was homework that it would make. Sometimes I do it the next weekend just to spite myself, I guess. I don't know. But I've seen the first 20 minutes of Halloween. Halloween tried really hard. A for effort. You could tell it was a low budget movie yeah yeah because there's um there's like you've seen it yeah yeah and a lot of it takes place like with daylight yeah which is it was like the inverse we're gonna try and be scary in the day which I always found very creepy as a kid. Because there was

you know, he's around a hedge and stuff and I'm like, oh, there's hedges everywhere. So it's like a beautiful sunny day except one time she's walking across the yard, the ground's all wet. It was never alluded to. She didn't get rained on. It was just one day, I guess.

And this is how you're like, oh, good for them for still making this little budget movie. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. It's one of those movies where the investment versus how much it made is so colossal. And so they, but the two things that didn't really add up for me are everyone's parents go out. Yeah. On Halloween night for some reason. reason right so you've done your

trick-or-treating now we're going out to some kind of key party or yes key party halloween key part because then you've already got the mask on no well the parents just went out in suits in like dresses so i don't know where they were going but we'll be back later yeah put them in bed by 10 we'll be back or maybe somebody else will be back yeah it is a key party so and uh and then the other thing is uh so jamie lee curtis who uh and introducing jamie lee curtis yes i would love to be introduced oh okay and And introducing Maddie Kelly? Yeah. Question mark. Introducing to me. So she's babysitting this boy. And their big thing is like, I really want to carve a jack-o'-lantern tonight.

Oh, yeah, I'll bring a jack-o'-lantern. We can carve a jack-o'-lantern. It's Halloween night. You've done your trick-or-treating. You're carving pumpkins at 10 o'clock on Halloween night. night what for yeah no you're right that great point i remember watching it and thinking this is this does seem late in the season this is like but like just it's just a weird thing in the script that no one reading the script giving notes was like why are they doing this when i was a kid because my parents would they would go they would go out not not on how well

maybe they would go out on halloween not if it happened in the middle of the week but if it was a weekend they would go out somewhere after uh after no they would just go i think they wouldn't why would they have to hang around for that right you. You know, so they'd go. Someone's got to hand out candy. Yeah, that's true. Oh, the mechanics of this are all off now that I think about it. Yeah, good points. Very good points. Oh, we're trying to, I'm thinking already how we're going to juggle Halloween candy handout. Someone's got to accompany the child.

Yeah. I mean, it's easy now. Right. It's got to accompany the child. Yeah. I mean, it's easy now. Right. It's going to get harder. I'm sure there's a solution. Eventually. But also, I need to carve a pumpkin at 11 p.m. Yeah, yeah.

And then you got to get your suit on so you can go out with your girlfriend. Yeah. It's great to go driving on Halloween because there's no kids you can run over. That's true. It's true. the streets are safe as they ever are um anyway so hard finding bubblegum went to three stores yeah yeah what was the third movie the third movie was actually good yeah this was a wait but did she like the bubblegum yeah okay so she did get bubblegum yeah Yeah. So she did get bubblegum. Yeah, sorry, I tied

that off. The third movie was for the Vancouver Film Festival. It was called Finding Big Country. And it was about a small foot. Sort of about a small foot. It was about former Vancouver Grizzlies' first round pick, Bryant Big Country

Reeves, and the director was obsessed with him as a child and ended up going and visiting him and it was very sweet and charming. Oh, so not sad? Fun. No, yeah, it was good. That's good. Because, you know, sometimes. You grew up here, right? Yeah. I did as well. Uh-huh. Did you go to Grizzlies

games? I went to many Grizzlies games. Yeah, me too. So fun. You're 22? Yep. How long did the Grizzlies leave? When I was seven, I believe. Oh, wow. There's a lot

of five. Five and six we had, I think, tickets, season tickets. No, someone else had season

tickets. You know when your dad's friend has season tickets and sometimes you're the family they bring?

Yep. I think it was that. Nice. I had a jersey that I got for free. At one of the

games? Mm-hmm. Adorable. They'd give kids things. I remember, my only time. Did you have a jersey? of the games? Mm-hmm. Adorable. They'd give kids things. I remember my only time. Did you have a jersey? No.

Why? That was weird. Because I. Bug on your shirt. Oh, I'll be okay. Am I hearing going out? Oh, yeah, I'm doing this. I didn't have a jersey because, you know, it doesn't look good on a skinny little boy.

Basketball jersey. I'm not Pete Davidson. I can't walk around in a basketball jersey. Skinny little boys love jerseys and shorts that are too big for them. Yeah. Doesn't it camouflage their stork-like body? I think it accentuates it. They like to lean in.

Where is this fella? He's in Gaines, Oklahoma. Okay. All right. I lost all my headphones. I think they're done. Oh, no. They're cooked?

Yeah, I think it's been a long journey of these headphones. It's finally time to say goodbye. Goodbye headphones. That was pretty quick, you wrote them off. Well, they keep coming in and out. I mean, they're on and again off again, like Elon Musk can drive. So yeah, that movie's really good. If you get a chance to

see that, it's very, very, it's 40 minutes long. Oh, you can't miss it 40 minutes long. I think it'll probably be somewhere online too because a movie of that length doesn't get wide theatrical release. That's true. And you know what?

If you want to see a daytime spooky horror movie, Halloween. And if you want to see a bad kids movie, Smallfoot. Yeah, so these are my reviews for the week. Also, today is the 29th this episode comes out. What are, and we haven't talked about Halloween at all. I'm off mic.

Dave, where'd you go? Dave fell down into his cellar. I'm swapping out earbuds. So I think every year we try to talk about what we think the hot Halloween costumes will be. Oh, yeah, yeah. Like, there's usually some fun trend. I would have thought before Pete Davidson and Ariana Grande broke up, that would be a great couple's costume. But now Grimes and Elon Musk will be.

Probably, that's the easiest one to get. And five little quintuplets holding pumpkins what what were the what was like popular television because last year would have been stranger things oh yeah was like the go-to halloween costume but like nobody's handmaids oh yeah that was last year too what memes happened this year what were the top memes i? I don't know. Let's ask the 22-year-old. What were your favorite memes of the year? What were the memes? The memes would be great.

They would be. Oh, we just found a vehicle for Maddie Kelly, boys. Introducing. Tony Curtis's daughter. I don't know. What were the best memes? I don't know. I'm trying to think of what was even a show that came out that people were talking about in my circle it was bachelor in paradise but uh it's hard to come up with a grocery store joe costume yeah maybe

maybe it would be a swimsuit with a like a just a lav mic around your neck. The problem with remembering memes is that you can't remember when they happened. Like to me, the salt guy could have been last week, could have been 10 years ago. No idea. Right. Stuff like that. Like my, my go-to is all the old timey Spider-Man. Oh, yeah. That's a good one.

Moths were in this month. This moth? A lot of moth memes. Okay. Did you see all those memes? The moth meme prophecies? Yeah. That could be a,

that would be a funny costume. Here are the best memes of 2018 so far. This is from, well, this is not enough. Are these even memes? Tide Pods,

Tide Pods was a meme. That was this year? Oh my Lord. Wow. Well, what were the big, big like usually it's like the big marvel movie is that they like black black panther yeah yeah maybe thanos yeah thanos would be a good costume that's a fun that's a fun fine uh let's see that meme uh where what's his face uh lebron j is mad at his teammate, didn't he? Oh, yeah. Yeah, that would be a fun costume where you're, you know, wear your sweatband really high up on your head, LeBron style.

I think that covers it. Anything else? I don't know what I'm looking at. I'm not sure what you're looking at either. That karma's a bitch meme. I don't know what I'm looking at. I'm not sure what you're looking at either. That Karma's a bitch meme. I don't remember that. I think it was from some Asian TV show. Oh, no, it was from Riverdale.

But it was a meme in like Japan or Korea where... I'm not keeping up with what's going on in Japan memes. I can't even keep up on my own domestic memes. Riverdale is probably a thing for people to dress up as. Oh, yeah. That's a fun group costume. That Super Bowl selfie kid. Oh, yeah.

That's pretty good. Is backpack kid a meme? Did people dress up as Daniel from Damn Daniel? Just have white shoes? Did they do that? See, again, that could have been yesterday. That could have been four years ago. I can't remember.

That's the thing about memes. The guy, the change my mind guy. Oh, yeah. I love a costume that involves a cardboard box. It's a table. I miss the days of SpongeBob. Actually, a lot of SpongeBob memes. Always. Always. That's true. Oh, a lot of Spongebob memes. Always.

Always. That's true. Oh, you know what a good costume would be? How many more memes are you going to read off of this? No, no. I'm zipping through these. I'm just getting ideas. A good costume would be the giant back tattoo on Ben Affleck's back.

That would be very good. What are you? I'm that. I'm that giant tattoo. That would be good. That would be very good. What are you? I'm that. I'm that giant tattoo. That would be good. That would be good. Easy to do too. Just,

you know, but you'd have to be kind of, you'd have to be in some kind of shape. I got it. Bitcoin. We'll be Halloween costume. And it's easy because those little sticks at the bottom are like legs. So you can.

Yeah. On the B? You could be a cryptocurrency miner. Oh yeah. So you can... Yeah. On the B? You could be a cryptocurrency miner. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And what would that look like? You're just a miner.

You've got like a mining helmet? You're a nerd. Yeah. And you've got pockets overflowing with some sort of currency. Yeah. There you go. Some sort of currency.

What's your go-to, you said? Cat Stevens. Cat Stevens. Cat Stevens. It's like a cat, and then I have a name tag, and a ukulele. Okay. Any costume that involves a name tag is pretty good. Pretty good. It's like, who are you?

I'm the Pope. So you can read my name tag. The Off Hours Pope. Yeah. Cash Pope. But the name tag just says Mr. mr stevens you have to put it together oh yeah i'm not a group do people get it they okay okay mr stevens i well it's hard he's changed his name to yeah you know you you saw islam islam islam i was gonna say malala

that'd be a good costume that That would be a great costume. I mean. She's always wearing that same. Sorry. Yeah. Sorry to blow a lid off the thing, but someone, she's famous now. Yeah. We get her some new clothes.

No, but maybe that's it. Trademark. You know, like, what's his name? Zuckerberg. He wears the same outfit. Well, like Jennifer Aniston wears the same thing every day because then if paparazzi take pictures of her, they're not worth

anything because she looks... She's been wearing overalls since 94. That's why she has a Rachel. She is always wearing a schoolgirl skirt. That's what Malala's got. Is the paparazzi going after Malala? Is that their main thing? They'll go after anybody.

One time, my step, our parents are actors Is the paparazzi going after Malala? Is that their main thing? They'll go after anybody. Yeah, yeah, yeah. One time, my step, my parents are actors. And my, they never got, they were not famous actors. Okay, well, no more follow-up questions. My stepdad was, it was in the X-Files,

he's Cry Jack. Okay, yeah. I know who that is. Okay, sorry. Stunt silent. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know who Cry Check is sorry is there a cricket in here that's a character

yeah Cry Check whatever my mom was in the X-Files too she wasn't a character she was just a Vancouver actor you were the one who said they weren't famous oh my god

we're not I'm not saying they're famous I'm saying I should know who Cry Check is yeah anyway he used to always wear pajamas with mud on them

I don't know why Cry Check or your dad? my stepdad yeah he would wear these pajamas and then we went out for brunch once and my mom was like

are you gonna wear fucking dirty pajamas like not only pajamas pajamas with mud on them out how did he get mud on his pajamas? I don't know

gardening in the morning and we went out to the place in LA and we were having brunch and this guy comes out and no and he'd gotten recognized at the breakfast place and this guy's like paparazziing us and we're just standing there like uh dude there's nobody else like you could be pretty chill about this you could probably ask for a picture like you don't have to fight for our

attention oh and the pajamas also had rips in them they were had rips in the knees and wasn't your dad looking for attention if he's wearing mud covered i think he was trying to make a point my mom that the pajamas were fine this yep oh let's see yeah i don't know that's a weird picture he's got an alien problem but yeah and then that was the only time i've ever seen him get paparazzi'd ever was the day he's wearing dirty pajamas dirty pajamas huh huh I probably could have done without telling that story no way

that's fine that's fine yeah it's fine edit it out for me Graham what's up with you oh my god

I know how we do it but like can we actually edit it out no way um uh cry check people are gonna think

that I just told that story so I could say that that you could say what that your dad wore filthy pajamas no that he was cry check people are gonna think that i just told that story so i could say that that you could say what that your dad wore filthy pajamas oh that he's cry check yeah you guys don't even know who he is sure yeah we do now now that we saw the photo guy with the black alien if only someone would let you move on from this but graham what's going on with you um uh speaking of all things halloween so you know there's that store that pops up in abandoned storefronts. Spirit, the Halloween shop.

And this year, there was always one that was reliably, the storefront was reliably abandoned. And it was always on Broadway. That can be, yeah. And this year, not. Uh-huh, now it's Harry's cameras. Is that what, yeah. And this year, not. Uh-huh.

Now it's Harry's Cameras. Is that what it is? I didn't go to it. Or Harvey's or... Some sort of camera store. Howard's Cameras. So the nearest one to where I was at the time was Burnaby. So I went to Burnaby. To a Halloween store.

To a Halloween store. Just because I like seeing what costumes they got in oddly enough no new like everything that they had last year was no new taxes there was my very popular costume george bush senior uh they they didn't have any like there wasn't anything that wasn't there last year like there wasn't any new not like black panther no and yeah like it was the same stuff from last year like rick and morty and oh yeah uh and stranger things and whatever um and then you know classics ghostbusters i had a lot of ghostbusters stuff harry potter all that kind of stuff um but then uh because I was so close to the mall, I went to the mall.

Metrotown. Yeah. And I haven't been in a mall, like, you know, I've been in malls in other cities, but here in town, I haven't been in a mall, I would say, for like eight years. Oh, yeah? Yeah. So it's like, first of all, this mall has two Lids franchises.

Yep. Which is, that's crazy. How big a mall has two Lids franchises. Yep. Which is, that's crazy. How big a mall has two Lids? The one Lids couldn't keep up. It was two malls that got married. Is that right? It was Metropolis and Metrotown, and now it's Metropolis at Metrotown. Oh, I wonder how they decided who was going to be the first name in that.

Yeah, I think they, it's, you know, all because of the patriarchy. They took Metro Town's name. I... Yeah, so they have a lot of two things. They have two pretzel places, two lids, as previously stated. Two watch

stores. Two of the same pretzel place? No, but... How different can a pretzel place be? It's a long walk. I went to both. I ate a pretzel place? No, but you know, how different can a pretzel place be? It's a long walk. Yeah. I went to both. I ate a pretzel at each. Is there two calendar stores?

I didn't see. Well, it's not January. I love a mall calendar store. I love a mall calendar store. I love a puzzle zoo. What's a puzzle zoo? Well, why don't you use the

some context clues? Well, I know that it's puzzles but why why the zoo is is it also have those little wind up uh what would that store be called wind up toy animals oh that was a store where steamrollers is downtown yeah there was a store like that and it was just weird things bridge magnets and wind up wind-up toys. Yeah. I feel like I've seen them. Why would that be in a puzzle store? I don't know. I think you're right.

When you said wind-up, I was thinking the game Perfection. Oh, yeah. That would be a puzzle. That feels puzzly. Yeah. So puzzles is a puzzles and board games kind of place. And calendars. Puzzle zoo. puzzles is a puzzles and board games kind of place

and calendars puzzle zoo. There's a lot of the zoo because of the zoo. Yeah. Like the, you know, where you buy

cell phone cases. Oh, Lord. And a kiosk that will a lot of hair straighteners. Yep. Oh, yeah. A lot of as seen

on TV kiosk. Yeah. And not quite the Sunglass Hut. The toys are us that used to work in, went in there. Colonel's Popcorn. Colonel's Popcorn was there. Oddly enough, a subway in the food court. Doesn't seem like a food court food.

Seems like something you find outside in the world. I go to this mall quite a bit. Do you? Not quite a bit, but I have been more recently than you. And it used to be I would drop Margo off at her daycare or preschool. And Poppy would take a nap in the car on the days when I was taking care of her and it would her nap would last exactly the driving time from uh daycare until the mall i would just drive and she'd wake up in the mall parking lot and we'd go for a little walk in the mall i feel like that's what i feel like that's what the

breakdown was of who was in the mall there's was a lot of people with kids, people taking their kids for a walk when it's cold outside. And a lot of, uh, a lot of teens still teens still hanging out in the mall. Young teens. Yeah. Not old teens, just teen,

teenage teens. Yeah. And then, uh, you know, people that were working there that were on break. Yeah. And what about the elderly? No,

they're, they're morning time. Like when I worked at the Toys R Us in the mall, we would encounter the mall walkers. They were coming in as we were going out at about 7 in the morning. But daytime, seniors, that's what they do. They go home. They nap. They nap. They take whatever they bought at Puzzle Zoo. I think seniors are not spenders in the mall. i mean if they saw if they saw

a nice crossword book i think uh the mall's not really a store to them sort of a yeah activity it's an activity it's did you see the little train i didn't see a train but i did see uh i don't know two lid stores and i mentioned that so did you buy a hat no i didn't buy anything i bought two pretzels that's what i bought one for me yeah one for me yeah did you do the pretzel challenge yeah i did the pretzel challenge one was really greasy the one downstairs if anybody's keeping track the one upstairs was primo were they both savory yeah both savory i went with the original because if they can't do original right, what are the chances that their cinnamon's going to be up to snuff?

Boy, that cinnamon. Yeah. I mean, it promises big, and it never pulls through. That top floor one, I would go for a cinnamon pretzel from there. Look, these are things. I love pretzels. I miss pretzels from my time in America. They're not as prevalent here.

No, that's true. Like a pretzel cart, you mean? A pretzel cart. Pretzels from my time in America. They're not as prevalent here. No, that's true. Like a pretzel cart, you mean? A pretzel cart. Pretzels at the movies. Although AMC is doing this wild thing. And they sell pretzel bites, which are too greasy because there isn't a nice ratio because they close off at the ends. Right? Bad.

Or they sell you a $15 pretzel that's two and a half pounds jesus that's like yeah the weight of a toilet seat it's called the bavarian why are you weighing everything in toilet seats why because i just feel like is that not exactly the size picture of sitting there in a movie with a toilet seat. Yeah. Yeah. Made of dough. Yeah. Gross. I mean, it sounds good. Have you had that one? No.

Oh, okay. I don't know. $15. Right. $15 for a pretzel. Two and a half pounds. Oh, boy. Yeah. Do you get to pick it out like a lobster tank?

Like, I want that one. No, that's the other thing. So many people are buying pretzels, apparently. They make them to order. Okay. So if you're a latecomer, like myself, your timing's shot to hell. Yeah. I also had a mall cookie as well.

Okay. Is that George Clooney's wife? I heard they're on the rocks. No. Anybody want to make some bets? Oh, new bet. No,

you did not hear that. I did. I saw it at the grocery store. Well, I should hope. He's gay. Huh? I think he's gay.

You think George Clooney is gay? Yeah. Why? Based on what? My feelings. You just got a, like a crystal, some sort of crystal sense?

Yeah. Who's the other person I think is gay? There's someone else. This is helpful. Yeah, I'm trying to remember. Who's the other person? According to everyone I went to high school with, me. That's not a thing

girls get. Oh, you're so gay. No, really you get you're such an annoying cow you're a terrible person you're an annoying cow like i knew i knew i knew this girl that was always making out with girls at parties and i i'm sure i mean we all were a little bit but she was really making out with girls at parties and uh i i was like i think she's just gay you guys i think we should respect that you know everyone's like no like why she's not respecting women they're like no she's just weird i'm like no i think she's gay you guys yeah what kind of people are you hanging out with well they weren't upset about her kissing the women they just didn't they couldn't they couldn't put

two and two together yeah you guys were teens you were hanging out yeah you know the mall yeah going from one lids to the next yeah hot lids hopping you guys want to go lids hopping today sure absolutely oh boy do you want to move on to a bit of business yeah and if not that then just overheard all right in a world dominated by dude bro movie podcasts, a world where Casey Affleck has an Oscar and Angela Bassett does not, only one podcast is brave enough to call bullshit. Who shot ya?

With Ricky Carmona. A lot of people don't know, Porgs, Puerto Rican. Alonzo Duralde. I would eat oak jaw. April Wolf. I want to interrupt and say that the fish man was real sexy. Drea Clark. I have a real soft spot for King Kong.

And women of color. I was like, damn! Brian Coogler got final cut. Coogler got final cut. Kugel got final cut. I just felt like the film was so sour and so completely irrelevant to basically anything in life. Who Shot Ya? Listen every Friday on Maximum Fun or wherever you get your podcasts. Overheard. Overheard Overheard

Segment where maybe I don't know Maybe you hear things out there Maybe Maybe you spend a lot of time By yourself Idly Hanging out on the corner

You hear people walk by And say things You save those things Like the treasures they are Then you share them here on the podcast. We always like to start with the guest. Yes. Maddie.

I have two. Okay. Now off air, you said you have hundreds. I whittled it down. I called five people. Three who hadn't heard the podcast. And then one other. It was four people.

Four people. Okay. Do you want to go two in a row or do you want to go around the horn? Well, leave it in Four people. Okay. Do you want to go two in a row or do you want to go around the horn? Well, leave it in your hands. Okay. One around the horn. Then the other one.

Closer. Yeah, closer. Okay. So my cousin Treya had a baby. Congrats, Treya. What did you call her? Treya? That's a better name.

It's Shreya. But I like Treya a lot. Yeah, I heard Treya too. Like, this is not funny worthy. I think it's funny. Treya and Shreya are both made up names. Shreya is for sure made up. Shreya.

Okay. Do you spell it? Shreya had a baby. No. Well, nobody can. Okay, can I spell Treya? Yeah. T-R-E-A. There you go. Easy.

That's not how I would spell T-R-E-A. How would you spell it? T-X. Okay, well. P-E-A. R-E-A. R-E-A. That's a good R-E-M knockoff. R-E-A.

I'm stalling. Yeah, I was stalling yeah I'm a little nervous is this like a book report and you didn't read it I have one okay so Shreya's baby shower

and we had to write these little cards of wishes for the baby they would read later so it's like I hope you read blank

I hope you do blank right I don't know and one of them was I hope you respect blank so i wrote down i hope you respect oprah yes hilarious yeah and then my aunt laughed and she like auntie that wasn't on there never mind i was gonna we were calling her auntie garbage earlier oh yeah because she always

brings you bags of garbage for my birthday yeah um and anti-garbage was like uh read it out loud and then there's like this six or seven year old girl and she's like mom who's oprah and her mom did that thing where you're like trying to explain as fast as possible you know and she's like uh she's been on ellen i guess that's oprah's number one credit i guess if you had to quickly explain who Oprah was, I would say she was in the color purple. Yeah, I would say she's Stedman's fiance. She was on Ellen, you know, like, you know, some drum line or something. Yeah, a credit a lot of random people have.

Yeah. Funny babies have that credit. Yeah, those British. A lot of magicians. yeah funny babies have that credit those british british girls what are those girls she was on ellen i love it i feel like you could do that with a lot of celebrities yeah like how would you tell a kid in one sentence you know uh who is buzz aldrin yeah that's pretty easy that's easy. It's anyone that's famous for not like being an actor or musician or something, you know, because I don't know. Yeah. Like.

Especially Oprah because Oprah is like, like I don't even know how you can find her. She's famous for too many things. Yeah. Oprah is just, she's more famous than most famous people. Like famous people all have stories of how they met Oprah and like how insane that was, you know? Yeah. But there's also, like, solo.

Who's Judge Judy? Oh, that's easy. Yeah, that one's easy. I'm trying to think, like, if you, like, it's weird to me that Elon Musk is as famous as he is. Yeah, who's Elon Musk? You're like. The inventor Jeff Boyardee. Jeff Boyardee.

Or, like, Guy Fieri. Yeah. You know? how would you explain that to a child he he's a he's a host of tv show about food yeah yeah kim kardashian she is married to the comic kanye west no he's been on ellen yeah he's been on ellen she's more famous than kanye west yeah i guess so yeah she's a she's a reality star but then you're when the kid what is it what is they don't even know what reality is oh boy that's true this is back to my whole thing 3d 3d yeah yeah kids don't get it that's my overheard. Dave, do you have an overheard? I was in the store Muji. Yeah. Don't know.

Muji is a place to get clothes or housewares or luggage or aromatherapy. Oh, well. It's all very cute and Japanese. Okay. But. Like a Japanese Winners? No. Like a Japanese Ikea.

Yeah, like a tiny Ikea. A tiny Ikea. That sounds very cute. Yeah, and it's all, it has a very Ikea vibe until you get to the cash register and you're like, oh, this little acrylic pencil holder is $40? Let me put it back. But it's fun. It's a fun shop.

It's fun, and not everything is crazy expensive. But the things that are crazy expensive are crazy expensive. And they have, for some reason in 2018, they still sell a CD player that's like vertical. Oh cool. Where you can watch the CD spinning. I mean that's going to be eternally cool. Yeah.

That never gets uncool. I just don't I just don't know exactly what that what the point is. Who's buying it? Nah. So this woman, as I was leaving, as I was being escorted out of the store,

once again, I heard a staff member talking to a customer saying, oh, you look so cute in that. And the woman she was talking to said, I'm 20 years older than you. Please don't call me cute. Yes. And the woman, she was talking, she said, I'm 20 years older than you. Please don't call me cute. Yes.

And the woman there was like, you are? No, you're not. Wow. That's really telling them. Wow. While you're talking about Muji, I thought of another place I saw in the mall that I couldn't explain. Was it Muji? No, it wasn't Muji.

Because there's a Muji in the mall that i couldn't explain was it muji no it wasn't muji because there's a muji in that mall uh maybe i saw a muji but i saw a place uh called uncle tetsu's cheesecake and there was a lineup for it about 30 people deep wow uncle tetsu tetsu wow yeah i always felt this way about um that weird beard papa cream puff place place. It's a similar kind of thing. I couldn't get a grasp on why people were lining up for this cheesecake. Because it's cheesecake. Is that something that people haven't experienced? Well, bathing suit season's over, so it's like, let's go nuts. I guess people are handing out cheesecake at Halloween.

But you don't like cheesecake, right? No. I remember an episode of this very podcast where you said that you only associated with the Golden Girls. That's right. And now that and them all. And Uncle Tetsu. And Uncle Tetsu. I feel I don't like it either.

And I feel like it's something because when I was a kid, I liked cake, and I didn't even really like pie. Now I like pie, but I don't like cheesecake. Like, I feel like it's advanced. I feel like you have. I love cheesecake. No, well, you're. I'm an old soul. You've got an old soul.

Yeah. Maybe explain that to them old witches. Yeah, yeah, yeah, bring them a cheesecake. Bring them a, they'd probably love it. This is what I'm saying. Yeah. Get yourself into the right coven. Cheesecake. I yeah. Bring them a cheesecake. Bring them a cheesecake. They'd probably love it. This is what I'm saying. Get yourself into the right coven. Cheesecake. I should write a book about that. A golden girl's coven.

I think that would be pretty fun. I think it would be amazing. I'd be a real Sophia. You think? Little purse? Yeah. Which one are you? I mean, in my wildest dreams, I'm Dorothy but i think you're a dorothy i could also see myself being a rose no what about you dave uh david leisure

your own spin-off was he on there from time to time he was on there from time to time empty nest was he more empty nest yeah he Empty Nest. He was like a cruise ship activities director? Who was Dorothy's ex-husband that she hated so much? Stanley? Stanley. Stanley Spornak. Yeah.

My overheard is courtesy of the bus ride to the mall. You know the Skytrain goes to the mall. Yeah, but I wasn't near a Skytrain. Oh, right. You know, the Skytrain goes to the mall. Yeah, but I wasn't near a Skytrain. Oh, right. Did you take a Skytrain back? No, I took that same

bus back. And the bus back was great. Dave's like, okay. Why do I bother? I mean, you're wasting your time. But I got the juicy overheard out of it. There was a girl and a guy

that the whole time I was like, what is there? They're not dating, but they're hanging out, regaling each other with stories of how drunk they were the night before,

which it sounded like they were together. So I don't know why they were telling each other stories. Yeah. But I guess they were so drunk that they were filling in each other's blanks and then which sounds like that sounds uh sexy um and then she was talking about she's gonna take a trip to uh the philippines

and she's gonna get a tattoo at this lady who does the tattoos. She does stick and poke tattoos. And she kills a pig. And then she takes the liver out. She looks at the liver. And that's how she decides what tattoo you're going to get. And she throws out the rest of the pig. Yeah, pig. And the guy was like, oh, cool.

Maybe I'll come too. Based on that anecdote. He was like, yeah, maybe I'll come too. Based on that anecdote, he was like, yeah, maybe I'll come. An entire pig every time. Yeah. Look, I... Sounds expensive.

That business isn't going to scale, I'll tell you that. Yeah, like a Miami Ink or something like that? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I, you know, the more I eat meat and the older I get and think about it,

the worse I feel about it. But, like, I don't wear anything on my body permanently. It's like this kind of game, like an animal had to die for me to have this. This weird tattoo. This, I mean, of all the people that I've ever seen, these two exemplified people who would do that. You know, they would definitely, they would kill each other, kill something just to go to IHOP. They seemed like, they just seemed like maybe.

Yeah, but you go to IHOP, chances are you're going to eat a dead pig. That's true. Yeah, that's true. And then you're actually using it. Maybe it's a bit of vertical integration. Maybe she's also selling the pigs. And she's like, I can't do anything with this liver. Yeah, we're talking using it. Maybe it's a bit of vertical integration. Maybe she's also selling the pigs. And she's like, I can't do anything with this liver. Yeah, we're talking about scale.

Yeah, but why buy the pig if I'm getting this tattoo for free? Also, it's very funny, the idea that she can only draw one thing. And so every time she's like, yeah, it's going to be a boat. No, I thought it was like always pig's liver. Every time. Well, I was like always pig's liver yeah every time well i'm seeing a pig's liver so that's what you're getting on your chest you wanted it there better be like in the bathroom it better say employees must wash hands uh yeah i was just holding this pig liver and uh away we go it says you're getting a Bart Simpson tattoo.

Now, in addition to overheards that we have, you have one more. Oh, yeah. I forgot we had to do that too. My other one. You're free to go. No, no, no.

I'm excited. My other one was I was in Aphrodite's coffee shop in Kitts. They got delicious pies. Yes. Home of the 850 apple pie.

Is that a slice? No, that's a price for a slice. The price? Yeah, that's what I meant. Isn't that crazy? I got too, came in too hot. What? Isn't that crazy?

Can you buy a whole pie? Yeah. And put it in your pie hole? You're a millionaire. Yeah, because like how many? Can you get a volume discount? Do you want ice cream? It's $1,000.

But a pie would be, what is it, like $50? Yeah, it's like $40. Wow. Yeah. What's so good about it? It's not that good. What? It's fine.

It's fine? You know what? I've never had it. I don't know that I've ever had it at those prices. I like pie. I ate pie. That True Confections pie is $5.50 and has sugar on the top. And then Savor Island Pie Company, $6.00, and that's the best one.

That's the flakiest. Okay. Where can you get that? In West Vancouver. Okay. Oh, fancy. Fancy town. Yeah.

Oh, yeah. Anyway. So you have the rest of the story? Yeah. Or is this just a pie comparison chart? A real pie chart. Pie chart. You guys. We're really vibing. A real pie chart. Pie chart. You guys.

We're really vibing. We've never met. Well. You're going to follow me on Instagram after? Was that on there? No. We didn't. We talked too much during the thing.

I'm stalling again. Yeah. So, I was eavesdropping. This better go well. Shut up. I was eavesdropping on this table because I thought the guy was my high school boyfriend's dad. And I couldn't tell. And he was older and white.

So who knows? We should have him on the podcast. Yeah. And he said, so I walk into this coffee shop and I just see all these young people on fire about medieval poetry. I wonder what. Oh, man. I know. What coffee shop?

How do you know that they're on fire about medieval poetry? Yeah. Well, at least one of them has a lute. What's an example

of medieval poetry? I don't know. Over the teeth, over the gums, look how good here it comes. So that's it. That's pretty good

Thanks Is Dante Is that medieval poetry? I don't know I think it's all like How You know like Shakespeare

No he's not medieval No? He's renaissance Oh he's renaissance Everyone's wrong I don't know the answer either When's Shakespeare from? When did the renaissance go?

And when was Shakespeare? Shakespeare's plague. Shakespeare? Shakespeare. It's plague times. Plague times. I feel like plague times are medieval. Yeah.

Oh. Yeah, see, that's what I'm thinking of. I just realized what I'm thinking of is just fantasy genre. Oh. That's what I think medieval is. Dragon time. I don't think he was 1500s. I think he was 1600s 1600s?

Okay Maybe What happened in the 1700s? Not much I mean Let's see When did Columbus I think the Renaissance

Was the Renaissance In the 1400s? Or 1300s maybe? I don't know I don't know The Renaissance I think was It was fair The Renaissance was I think, was fair.

The Renaissance was, I think, around the time of... God damn, we're fucking dumb idiots. Who cares? Okay, Shakespeare... I can't do two things at the same time. Shakespeare died in 1616. Oh, okay. So we're both kind of right. Yeah.

Earlier than I thought. But maybe that's why all those plays are so bad. His English is all wrong. The Renaissance was 1300 to 1600. Okay, so there we go. That's a long time. Yeah.

So then the Middle Ages was before the Renaissance? Is that right? Why more questions? I don't know. Wait, the Middle Ages is what we're thinking more questions? I don't know. Anyways. Wait, the Middle Ages is what we're thinking of when we think of medieval. Well, we're thinking of medieval. Medieval, yeah.

Middle Ages, I think the same. Serfdom? Yeah, that's what I... Yeah. Hello. Now, we also have overheard sent in from people around the world. If you want to send one in to us, you can send it in to spy at maximumfund.org. Chaucer's your guy. Chaucer. Ch maximumfun.org. Chaucer's your guy.

Chaucer. Yes. Chaucer's a medieval poet. I don't know. That's the first thing that came up. Kids are on fire about it. This first one comes from Tomer from Hey, I'm Walking Here. New York.

New York. Hey. While being led to our table at a seafood restaurant, we walk by a group of four older gents finishing up their meal. During the lull in their conversation, one of them with the silver hair leans back in his chair with satisfied crossed arms and says, Yeah, one time I swallowed a gobstopper at my neighbor's house. Yeah, well, you got something to be proud of be that yeah when is margo gonna have

her first jawbreaker yeah um yeah when do you do a thing like that grade school seven yeah yeah i remember having the big like the ones that are the size of a like a baseball and just like people would just have them continually for days and just ruin their tongues. And then like, Oh, and the outside would be all spiky. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. You'd smooth it out. My dad would hit it with a hammer and I'd be like, well, that's not really what I was after. I know. I said, but I got mad.

Uh, but, uh, and then you would like, well, I'll just put this, I'll wrap it in plastic for the night

yeah yeah get going again first thing in the morning and then you'd hit that metallic layer and you'd be like oh

where'd that ring it's metal time sometimes there would be metal on the outside sometimes oh that first layer was a nightmare it was like

white plastic yeah no just the veneer on top right above the spiky layer a nightmare. It was like white plastic. Yeah. Yeah. Just the veneer on top. Mm-hmm. Right above the spiky layer. A nightmare, but it's so wonderful. Yeah.

I mean, it was all disgusting and damaging, probably. Probably. But I remember like kids just sitting in class. I'm very surprised they didn't make them like you weren't allowed to have them. Yeah. Yeah. Like, I don't understand how they weren't forbidden. Now, Graham, when was the Renaissance?

My tongue! I don't know, and I never will. Let me tell you this one, Teach. Never gonna learn it. Let me tell you this one teach never gonna learn it let me tell you something in about uh 25 years i'm gonna be on a podcast and i'm gonna make thousands of people scream at their phones yeah uh this next one comes from david in denver i was visiting my brother and his family in maryland and during dinner my six-year-old nephew was eating chicken. So I asked him, are you enjoying the chicken?

To which he replied, while continuing to eat chicken, no, I'm a vegetarian. Everyone knows that. I'm famous. Oh. Oh. How come I've never heard of this kid? Who's the most famous vegetarian? Paul McCartney.

Oh, yeah. Sir Paul. I was going to go Alicia Silverstone. Yeah, Alicia Silverstone. She's up there. Vegan. Russell Brand is probably involved. Yeah.

Is Jack White a vegetarian? He's something. He's something though. He's something involving no red blood cells. Why am I so mean to everyone today? And in fact, he put out an album called Red Blood Cells. No, White Blood Cells. Damn it.

This final one comes from Aaron, parts unknown, at the zoo today. And as we were making our way to the rainforest exhibit, we hear a woman exclaim, You know Grandma can't do snakes. Yeah. I didn't know snakes. Yeah. I didn't know that. Why did we bring her to the zoo? Yeah. She's not going to enjoy the awesome snake exhibit.

Leave grandma in the car. Park grandma by the monkeys and give her a popsicle. Grandma, we're going to go do snakes. You stay here. We'll come pick you up. Yeah, we know that you can't do snakes. In addition to overheards that are written in, we also accept your phone calls. If you want to call us, the phone number has been written down for me to remember.

1-844-779-7631. Or 1-UGH-SPYPOD1. Like these people have. Hey, Dave and Graham and possible guests. This is Don in Rochester, New York, calling in with a kind of sad and strange overseen of the I Wish

My Wife Were This Dirty variety. Sure. Do you know what that means? I Wish My Wife Was This Dirty? When they do it on the car. When they draw it on the car. Oh, I did not know what that meant. Instead of writing Wash Me. I Wish My Wife Was This Dirty. And by the way, I'm not know. I did not know what that meant. Instead of writing wash me. I wish my wife was this dear.

And by the way, I'm not at all confident that it's a good idea for me to call this in, but anyway, this is in a parking lot. A car that had a window sticker covering its entire back window that said, if you think this car is a piece of crap, you should see my

kidneys. What? What? a piece of crap. You should see my kidneys. What? Are you taking out a personal vendetta against their own organs? Yeah, yeah.

I don't get it at all. I mean... Also, not liver. You're not drinking a lot. You just have bad kidneys. Yeah, yeah. It isn't like, well, I'm partying so hard, my liver's bad. No, it's not a...

There's nothing braggadocious about it or anything. But that's like a custom job. That's like somebody who's like, I've got a crappy car and shitty kidneys. Yeah. But the car is actually better

than the old kidneys. Yeah. If the internet has taught us anything, if you think you have a niche, you have it. Follow. Yeah, follow your bleach. I saw this woman

she was wearing a shirt that said eat what elephants eat and i thought it was like a charity or something or like i googled it like it's nothing it's just a shirt like and i was like why yeah what do they know that we don't? Oh, a lot. Do you know what's the craziest fact I heard about elephants? Okay. Well, I'll go around and do our thing. Elephants think humans are cute the way we think like a puppy is cute. Aw, that's nice. Like elephants are like, oh, what a funny little creature.

And how do we know they think that? Because of, I guess, because of studies they've done and the way that they interact with each other and the way that they interact with things that are smaller than them. They treat us the same way they would treat a kitten or a puppy. They think of us as like, aw. Aw, I love that. Cute little guy. Okay, my fact about elephants, they have big, long noses. Yeah.

Good. And then you already shared one, so. Yeah. That there's a shirt. They one, so that there's a shirt. There's a shirt out there. Here's your next phone call. Hey, Dave and Graham and possible guests. This is Tess calling in from Chicago with an overheard. I work at a doggy daycare, and a new girl was calling vets' offices to update the dogs here, their vaccine statuses.

And when we call, they usually ask if we want those records faxed or emailed over. And we usually just say, no, you know, we can just do it verbally over the phone. It's fine. But this girl just keeps saying, no, can you just give me oral? I can't stop laughing. It's really bad. Okay, bye. Now that I understood. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That reference I get. Where was she at? A veterinarian's office? She said it was a dog daycare. Oh, dog daycare. I didn't know they did so much medical processing. Well, just to know if the dog's vaccines are up to date. Yeah.

Yeah, that's important. Same as human daycare. Are there anti-vaxxers for dogs? Probably. Oh, man. Yeah, probably, right? Yeah. Anyways, I hope, what do you think Jenny McCarthy's going to go as for Christmas?

Christmas? Halloween? I mean, for Christmas? Christmas? Halloween? I mean, for Christmas, I guess, Naughty Elf? Here's your next final phone call. Hello, Dave and Graham and guests. This is Claire calling from Toronto with an overheard. I teach little kids, and I was having a discussion about Harry Potter,

and one of them was being scared of voldemort so i said don't worry voldemort's dead and she said no he's alive in heaven and then i uh had to deal with something else and in the middle of that i overheard one of them saying oh no what if if Voldemort kills Jesus? Now that's a crossover episode we can all get by. But isn't that kind of what happened? Well, is it like one slip of the tongue and then all of a sudden you have to explain, okay, well then there's this whole other world and heaven

and oh boy, someday that'll be you. Having other world and heaven and, oh boy. Someday that'll be you. Having to explain where Voldemort ended up. He's alive in heaven. He's in dog heaven. He didn't go to regular heaven. He went to the one that all the dogs. All villains. I feel like that's, like, J.K. Rowling is still involved in these characters' lives.

She would chime in on Twitter. She'd be like, he's alive and he really likes Trump. Yeah, exactly. She does, doesn't she do that from time to time? She's a big fan of NAFTA. She'll be like, yeah, that character was gay or that character, right? So she said the other day that Hermione was black. And then a lot of people pointed a lot of passages out where it was like the moon shone off Hermione's white face.

Right. But then the most recent scandal is that she said that Nagini the snake was a woman trapped inside of her like an Asian woman and now everyone's like but she did some

really weird things and like Voldemort was like milking her and it's like really messed up. It's really bad. You can milk a snake? Oh shit.

You can milk an evil snake. Yeah you can milk you can milk the venom from their fangs yeah that's true also said that nagini was the snake that harry my age is showing again but she said that the nagini was the snake that harry let out of the zoo in the first one okay well he does well he does. Well, you know what? Grandma can't do snakes. Yeah.

That's what I know. Maddie. Yeah. You want people to follow you on Instagram. Yeah. That's the big drive behind you being here. I don't have Twitter. I only have Twitter because I tweet as Nancy Salad, my pseudonym, about Shark Tank.

I can't believe we didn't get into this. And then I have Instagram, but I've been at the same amount of followers for years. What's that amount? Like, it just stays

from 777 to 790 all the time. Okay, we're going to blow this wide open. We're going to get you to 791.

791. I think, and then I have a show. What's your Twitter? Oh, it's Maddy, M-A-D-D-Y K-E-L-L-S

Maddy Kells okay and I have a show yeah in Vancouver I don't know when the next one will be okay it's called

All You Can Eat Laundry yep and you don't know when or where? no okay it's at Little Mountain Gallery but they're pretty booked

so we might skip them for a bit and circle back so but you'll put it on your Instagram. I will put it on my Instagram. Maddie Kells. Maddie Kells. You have, according to this right now, Maddie Kells has

792 followers. Shit, Doug. So I don't need to follow you. I'm not going to follow you either. Do we have a, we don't have a plug anything? I mean, I just want everyone we have a plug anything? I mean, I just want

everyone to have a happy Halloween. Yeah, yeah. You know what? Yeah,

safe and scary. Yeah, whatever your costume is, wear a big like a reflective

vest over top of it and completely ruin the aesthetic of it. remember that? Mom's like, I bought you

this costume, but you also have to wear a turtleneck. Yeah. Mom! Mom, you're going to wear a turtleneck. Yeah. Mom! Mom, you're going to ruin my Andy Warhol costume. I can't be Tarzan with shoes on.

That's true. Tinkerbell was one of the bigger fights of my childhood. Oh, sure. He's wearing nothing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Tinkerbell with tights is an absolute nightmare. Thank you very much for being our guest. Thank you for having me.

You're welcome. Thanks for coming. And thank you out there for listening. If you like the show, why don't you tell your friends and come on back next week for another episode of Stop Podcasting Yourself. MaximumFun.org Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Listener supported.