THE ADAM BUXTON PODCAST - EP.172 - ADAM AND JOE

Episode Date: December 25, 2021

Adam shares several slices of vaguely festive waffle with his old friend, the films director Joe Cornish.Recorded remotely on December 15th, 2021Thanks to Séamus Murphy-Mitchell for his work on this episode.Podcast artwork by Helen Green https://helengreenillustration.com/RELATED LINKSPLEASE DONATE TO ST MUNGO'S HOMELESS CHARITYGEAR4MUSICACTIONS: THE ACTOR'S THESAURUS by TERRY JOHNSON (ABEBOOKS)SUMMER OF SOUL - OFFICIAL TRAILER - 2021 (YOUTUBE) Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

I added one more podcast to the giant podcast bin. Now you have plucked that podcast out and started listening. I took my microphone and found some human folk. Then I recorded all the noises while we spoke. My name is Adam Buxton, I'm a man. I want you to enjoy this, that's the plan Hey! How are you doing, podcats? Adam Buxton here.

If you're listening to this on Christmas Day 2021, just a few hours after I snuck down your podcast chimney and plopped this in your hour-old stocking, then Merry Christmas to you. I hope you're well wherever and whenever you are. I'm recording this on Christmas Eve 2021. And as you can hear, I am walking up a farm track

in Norfolk. Can you hear that Norfolk crunch under my boot? Up ahead is my best dog friend and one of my best friends, full stop, Rosie. How are you doing, Rose? It's a bit muddy.

It's not very festive no agreed but still could be a lot worse yeah whatever it was nice this morning when we woke up but now it's gone a bit gray and non-clement a couple of days ago we had a very christmasy hoarfrost h-o-a-r in case you wanted me to clarify and that is one of the most beautiful types of weather in my opinion you come out everything is under a thick crystal frosting and usually accompanied by very blue sky, bright sun. It is very magical. Hey, listen, I won't wang on too much, because we have got Christmas waffles with Jay Korn, Torpedo Commander, Corn Balls, Joe Cornish,

coming up momentarily. But just before that, quick shout-out to St mungo's the homeless charity in the hope that if you're able to or feel inclined to you might be able to donate to support their efforts each night saint mungo's outreach teams go out to meet people in the south and southwest who are homeless and where possible offer them a bed support and the option to get off the streets saint mungo's are one of the few charities that accept pets in their hostels what do you think of that rosie it's good they're also working to help prevent homelessness

and to support those who want to make the journey out of a life on the streets if you're able to make a donation to the saint mungo's Winter Appeal this year, that would be a huge help with all their ongoing efforts to support people who find themselves with nowhere to live. There's a link in the description of the podcast which will take you straight to the donation page. You can also read more about what St Mungo's do once you're there. Hey, thanks very much. Now, Christmas podcast. This conversation with Joe was recorded via Zoom earlier this month when we realised the Omicron situation was becoming a tediously inescapable thing.

When I spoke to him, Joe had recently completed filming episodes of the eight-part Netflix series Lockwood & Co. Based on Jonathan Stroud's book of the same name about teenage supernatural detectives. Jay Korn is the lead writer and director on the series. As per tradition, we gave each other some gifts. In pandemic times, those have been audio gifts. And we talked about some of the films we enjoyed this year. Read out a few of the egg corns.

Look at these guys, Rosie. Look at those arrogant ducks. Off they go. They're quite beautiful though, aren't they? The Egyptians. I think it's the Egyptians. What was I saying? Oh, yes.

Egg corns and made up jokes those were the main messages that we got thank you so much for all the messages you sent in I always feel bad that we're only able to read out a tiny fraction of them but we read and listened to everything you sent us both me and Joe and it was really fun actually and very good to hear from you thank

you all for taking the time to message us what else looking at my phone notes oh yeah please be aware if you're listening with young children or are sensitive yourself i've written this podcast contains some low-level christmassy bad language, low-level humour, and references that some people might consider gross. If you can believe that. Can you believe that, Rose? Yes, I can. All right. Back at the end for a very brief goodbye from 2021,

but right now with the film's maker and dream capturer Joseph Cornball's Cornish. Here we go. Hey you! What the heck do you think you're doing, chum? Sitting and waiting for the end times to come. When there's

a Christmas podcast about to start. Adam and Joe are here to block out your fears. With semi-festive waffles you can stuff inside your ears. Your worries will be banished. Your cockles will be heated. Your comfort muscles exercised when jingles are repeated.

Due to the pandemic they're recording this remotely. But it won't stop the combo being spicy as Chipotle. They'll read out things you sent them in ways that are protracted. And pump out clouds of Rambo gas to keep you all distracted. Chipotle. that are protracted and pop out clouds of ramble gas to keep you all distracted chipotle i don't think i've ever said that word or heard that word said out loud before and i think i always thought it was chipotle chipotle of course you would why wouldn't you because why wouldn't you it's one of those words that i don't really even bother reading do you know what i mean have you ever when do you ever use it no i walk past them in america they're huge man that's a huge chain and now i think you get them in the uk now it's a little

bit like nando's i think never been in one and i've never bothered reading the name of the store to the very end i just sort of skip over the last three or four letters and just i assumed it was chipotle so you think it's like a chip shaped like a bottle or yeah yeah chips in a bottle chips in a bottle hey man thank that's what you've already given me a gift the gift of knowledge yeah yeah yeah chipotle is a smoked dried jalapeno pepper that gives its name to the restaurant reading that you reading that off the internet? No, that's stored in my head. Anyway, hey, listen, man, happy Christmas. Happy Christmas.

Happy Christmas to the listeners as well. Yes, happy Christmas. When you're writing Christmas cards, do you write the word Christmas or do you go for something a little more generic and secular? No, it's Christmas and it's never X-mas. I think that's vulgar. It's always the full word, Christmas. Yeah, my dad used to And it's never X-mas. I think that's vulgar. It's always the full word, Christmas.

Yeah. My dad used to get very upset about X-mas because he felt that he didn't want to see Jesus getting written out of the whole situation. Well, plus an X is a sign of danger, isn't it? Like triple X, X certificate. You don't want that sort of thing straying into the Wonderland season, do you?

You've got one in your name. Yeah, that's right. A little drop of filth. A little speck of smut. You don't want smutty Christmas. No, you don't. We've got Christmas names, Joe. And these were sent in to us by Jonathan Hall.

And he has called me AdstraZeneca. And he's called you Jomicron. Yeah, I thought it might be something like that. Because I could be Omnicornish. How do you feel about being Jomicron? Well, I feel powerful. I feel like I'm sweeping the nation.

And doubling in size every 24 hours. I'm very successful, very contagious, very dominant. You communicate very easily with people. I'm very successful, very contagious, very dominant. You communicate very easily with people. I do, yeah, I latch on. Yeah. I latch on to everybody, especially the vulnerable. It's not very tasteful, this line of humour.

But no, those are good names. Thanks. Now, because you've said it's not very tasteful, I feel obliged to say I wasn't laughing at the idea of latching on to vulnerable people no well thanks jonathan for those names how are things pandemic wise with you you still haven't had covid have you well i think i might have had it at the very beginning of the whole thing covid classic yeah because classic covid because i lost my uh taste and smell for a little bit but they came back and since then nothing no man i still haven't got my taste and smell back really yeah but i've been on set i've been shooting a thing for netflix and the protocols are very stringent you get tested every couple of

days and everything's divided into zones and you have to wear a mask all the time and everything's wiped down. So I'm in an environment where everything is very tightly controlled or I'm at home. So, you know, I think I've got it relatively contained. Famous last words.

So you've had no outbreaks on your Netflix set? No, no outbreaks, because as soon as you test positive, you isolate. You're out. So it was tough at the beginning. You know, whole departments go down. If a critical person, say, in the makeup department gets pinged, then suddenly, you know, you're in trouble. And we had to delay it a couple of times,

and that throws the schedule out of whack locations and all sorts of things so it's quite tough but it's also very safe or as safe as can be yeah and is that all done and dusted now your netflix show my episodes are but not all of them and that starts streaming next year, right? Next year at some point, yeah. Good one. It's very exciting. You seem very excited. I'm very excited.

I won't be watching. Why not? It's not up my street. How do you know what street it's up? Well, it's got magic and lasers and wizards, right? No, it's got none of those things. Has it got special powers? Yeah, it sort of does.

If anyone's got any special powers, I'm out. Really? Yeah, I've had it up to here with special powers. Yeah, I know what you mean. Can't deal with it anymore. Maybe some people like special power things during a pandemic but i'm the opposite because i feel weakened and i feel envious of those with special power so i don't want to go and see a bunch of kids with special powers if anything i want to go to the

movies and see just old people hobbling around doing worse than I am. And the other day, well, I've had a cold recently. I'm getting over a cold. This is after getting COVID in September. And then I got a cold, super cold, pretty sure. Only just getting over that now. And as I was beginning to get over it, got the booster jab have you had the the booster jab sure yeah which one did you get don't know you don't know i didn't he told me i've forgotten though i just get in there get out get on with it just crack on with it whoa you're like a superhero

you're so you're so you are susceptible to illness though you always here we go here we go you're vulnerable you're quite susceptible to colds yeah maybe i think no no disrespect but i would say from my life experience and knowing you you you're quite um you often get a little bit ill in that sick in the head yeah fair enough fair enough i i do i am vulnerable um my immune system doesn't seem to be the best which is you don't get seriously ill but you get into sort of sort of things that you can't sort of sort of um sort of head grow head grumps now you're just making a comment about my psychological disposition you caught you got very ill in um the time we went to spain yeah maybe it's because you sort of lock yourself off and it's hot yeah you got a bad ear

infection i got a very bad ear and i don't know listen when your friends get ill you don't tend one doesn't tend to um care monitor their progress that closely so to me it just seems like you vanish but listen you're feeling good at the moment feeling good and uh did you get any did you even get any side effects from the booster jab felt bad uh felt you know just a bit jet laggy a bit sort of toxic for about uh for a couple of days jet laggy is a good description of it and how about did you have to sit in the holding area for 15 minutes after you got the injection and did you enjoy that did anyone fall off their seats around you or anything no i forget what i was watching something on my phone oh i tell you i was

watching the beatles i was mid beatles beatles so i watched a little bit of Beatles, which is very good. And I've got these new Apple earbuds, right? And I didn't know, but they've got spatial sound on them. I didn't even know they had it. So if you're listening to a show like that, the Peter Jackson. Get back. Beatles thing. And you turn your head to the left and everybody sort of swings to the right.

You know, and you turn your head to the right, you know, and you turn your head to the right and everybody swings to the left. So it literally sounds like you're in the room with them. What? It's very odd, very disconcerting. And I thought for a moment that everyone in the waiting room in St Thomas's could hear my phone because it sounded so, you know, in the space. Very odd.

Or you thought that you were surrounded by beetles. Yes. Beetles. Wow. So that got me through the 15 minutes. Made it very pleasurable. Yeah. That's about 0.05 of the length of the entire documentary, though, isn't it? Yeah. So maybe the beetles distracted you from thinking about the

thing that's what i thought about when i was in the holding area i thought about that scene when mccready uh wants to find out who's infected by running the blood test and heating up the wire with the uh flamethrowers and then dipping it into petri dishes with blood while the test subjects are tied to chairs yeah oh i see because you're waiting to you're waiting for someone to freak out and have a really strong uh visceral reaction yeah exactly i was waiting for someone to like someone's head to split apart and a big long tentacle comes out and goes on the roof and any joy mine mine felt as if it was going to pop off and crawl out of the community center but it didn't it was fine it's a good movie that movie i watched it again quite recently

yeah it never gets rubbish does it i mean it still stands up very well i have a problem at the very beginning why what, what's that? When he's playing computer chess. I've got two computer-based problems with the film that always throw me out of it. He loses at computer chess at the beginning, right? The very first introduction to Kurt Russell's, right? Yeah.

Do you remember? Sort of, yeah. And he throws his whiskey into the computer. Oh, yes! And I always think, that is an over-the-top reaction. That's a computer. Think of all the other games. Think of how useful it could be.

That seems to me like that doesn't make him a massively, you know, sympathetic character to me. I think you're a bit of a cock. Yeah, that's not what you want from a leader, is it? To sabotage a very important piece of equipment just because you lost a chess game over frustration a computer chess and then later they they have a computer which is sort of monitoring the progress of the um the virus the thing right yes and it looks a bit like pac-man doesn't it yeah and it goes percentage of people in camp infected by alien likelihood of it and it sort of presents the information in a way that no computer program ever would or ever did you know entirely for the convenience of the

characters but this is picking at you know uh picking at hairs straws what do you pick at knits but this is picking at knits this is nitpicking because it's otherwise pretty flawless oh it's beautiful i love the bits that are a tiny bit wonky stand out more than than they might in a in a in an inferior film i found out recently that you know early on there's a swedish guy who gets out of a helicopter and he's chasing the the wolf who's approaching the camp that is alsatian or dog it's just a dog yeah and he's chasing the the wolf who's approaching the camp that is alsatian or dog it's just a dog yeah and he's chasing the dog that's approaching the camp and he's shouting something and they don't know what he's saying and he's freaking out and i found out that basically

he's doing a spoiler if you could speak swedish then you would hear that he is basically explaining that the dog is an alien it's's not a real dog. It's pretending to be a dog, he's saying, or something like that. Is that true? So everyone who saw that film in Sweden, what, there was ruin for them in the first couple of minutes. Yeah. They all walked out. Everyone, like, if you meet someone Swedish and you start going on about how great

the thing is, they'll just say, I didn't think it was that great, actually. I don't know why. Maybe that's where they held the premiere. I think they did hold the premiere in Sweden. That's one of the reasons it flopped, because the initial word of mouth was so negative in the Swedish press. That's where they road test pretty much every big movie, though, isn't it?

Swedish numbers are bad. We're pulling the plug. So, listen, I made you a song. And this is, I suppose you could call it my first gift. I thought I would keep the Christmas tradition on the podcast of struggling badly with my Christmas gifts for you. And this year is no exception. I'm excited. Okay.

So here is my Christmas song for you about my cold. And it's sort of written from the point of view of someone talking to their partner while they're ill. And it is cold. You know what I'm going to say when it's finished? No. I'm going to say that was really infectious. Nice. Where is it, though?

I haven't copied it across. Sorry. Hang on. Sorry, man. Give me one second. Can you hear this tune? Yeah, on your teeth. Yeah.

Can you recognise the tune? Is it Whistle While You Work? No. Do-do-do-do-do-do. Do-do-do-do-do-do. Do-do-do-do. The Warner Brothers. Merry Melodies.

Yeah. That's pretty good. That's amazing. I've really got to work on this this could be another source of income i've never heard you do that before can that be true it's very good thanks man i mean you could go on britain's got talent with that shit what What about popcorn? I was trying to remember how that goes. How does that go? Did, did, did, did, did, did. Did, did, did, did, did, did. Oh, yeah. Did, did, did, did, did.

How's that? I'm just trying to get i'm just practicing getting that that thumbnail really moving from the top it's very deep to the bottom teeth fast enough sometimes it slides off and honestly everyone in the royal albert hall goes oh bradley walsh tooth musicians blches. Anton Deck. I paid 400 pounds for this ticket. Turn away in shame. All right, here we go. I have found the file. This is called Lil Cold.

I can hardly believe it's happening. I got a really bad cold. But it's not COVID, I had that already. Yes, I know you can get it again. But I tested, it's not COVID I had that already yes I know you can get it again but I tested it's not what I got I got regular snot it's not in my mind don't call it man flu that's not what I do when you got a nasty cold I'm so sympathetic I'll make you cups of tea have you done that for me okay Okay, yes you have And I ain't dissing you

But the thing that you're missing Is when I get a really bad cold I always feel like it is a rehearsal For the day something much worse will come Oh, poor me Poor me, another night, nurse I want my vicious to break out the tissues To ply and fly

Oh no I prefer four ply Now my shirt is all covered in tissue debris And I've overdone it on the vitamin C do you ever get that you have too much vitamin c and it opens up the sluices i like rehearsal something worse will come that's very good thanks very much that's very good what what sort of music have you been listening to to inspire you to give the song that sort of feel? Are you listening to Lil Nas X? No.

It's another Lil. Why are they all called Lil, the Modern Rap Fellowship? Well, they're all called Lillian. There was a big fashion in America around 20 years ago to call your son Lillian. Yeah. I was wondering. Have you been listening to Lil Uzi Vert? Like quite a lot of the new Kanye stuff sounds a bit like that.

Lillian Uzi Vert. No, it was, I was listening to a Spotify playlist, top tracks of 2021. And it was Lil T.J. Oh, yeah, sure. Lil T.J. Lil T.J. Hooker. top tracks of 2021 and it was lil tj oh yeah sure little tj and tj hooker little tj and slack calling my phone so i was listening to that and i thought oh yeah this is quite good he sounded a little bit like he had a cold himself little tj lillian does suit yeah suits the nasal vocal style that autootune gives you. Yeah, exactly.

They take all the bottom end out of the vocal, right? And so everything's at the top. Yeah, as does a nasal infection. Exactly. Exactly. Considering how many podcasts there are out there, and the fact that yours is the 49th. 49th?

49th. 49th? 49th. 49th. 49th. 49th. 49th. 49th. 49th. 49th. 49th. Most popular in the UK. 49th.

49th. 49th. 49th. 49th. 49th. 49th. Don't worry, I'll move up a notch. 49th.

49th. 49th. 49th. 49th. 49th. 49th. Everyone's got a podcast. 49th. 49th. 49th. 49th. 49th. Everyone's got a podcast. 49th.

49th. 49th. 49th. 49th. 49th. 49th. That's an extraordinary testament to how good you are at what you do. 49th.

Shall we read out a couple of messages at this point? Okay. Now, by quite some distance, the most popular category of messages we got this year was egg corns. Well, I think egg corns are the gift that keeps on giving. You know, we introduced it, what, maybe midway through our run on Six Music? And people are crazy for them. They can't stop saying them. They can't stop hearing them.

And they can't stop saying them, they can't stop hearing them, and they can't stop sending them. Right. So, for those unfamiliar with the concept of egg corns, quick recap. We didn't create these, obviously. This was a term coined by someone else for a phrase or a word even that's been slightly mangled, maybe misheard and changed a little bit, but the changed version still contains a kind of internal logic. It makes sense somehow in a wrong way. And here to kick us off is a kind of basket of egg corns from Kiran Noybauer Patel. Here we go. Hope you're both well. I've collected

a few egg corns from my now six-year-old twins, Alice and Rosie. I've been sitting on a couple of these and adding them not the girls. I think he's been sitting on the egg corns. I've been sitting on a couple of these and adding to them for two or three years. Most are from when they

were three or four. Here we go. Instead of saying ballerina, they say balancerina. That makes sense, right? That does make sense. Ballet is a lot about balance. Yeah. They call a trampoline a jumpoline.

Yeah, that's good for tramps. Instead of saying sprinkler, they say spring cooler. Oh's lovely yeah man that you know conjures images of them and lovely summer dresses uh jumping through backlit sparkly sprinkler drops exactly in slow motion in the spring instead of saying pencil sharpener the girls say pencil sharkener and then he says brackets, we've been discussing sharks and their sharp toothed bitiness for some years. Obviously, they'd be capable of sharpening pencils. It does make it does make sense because a pencil sharpener makes a pencil look a bit more like a shark.

And certainly if, for instance, you're in in the film jaws and you had to fight off the shark in jaws one of the things they could have pulled out the bag in the closing five minutes of that film is a giant pencil sharpener attached it to the back of the orca put some sort of carrion inside it had bruce the shark plunge his nose into the pencil sharp oh i don't know how you'd rotate the shark maybe just by thrashing his massive tail he would have rotated himself and then you would have almost like in a delicatessen you would have sliced off a very very um succulent little you know uh sheet of um shark shavings shark shavings that you could have had a nice tin dish ready for you could have had

the final shot could have been chief brody sitting on the mast of the sinking orca just eating some delicious raw shark sushi that would have been a bit sick in a way i mean they could have done that anyway because there was bits of the shark all over the place but no one was getting out why why in what possible world would would plunging the nose of a giant shark into a huge pencil sharpener be sick? In what twisted imagination is there anything sick about that? No. Well, thanks very much, Kieran. And Merry Christmas to you and Alice and Rosie.

Merry Christmas. Now, have you got any egg corn balls? This is from Jimmy Wisbit. Here we go. When he was around two years old, my son Milo heard the song from The Wizard of Oz. However, his tiny Play-Doh filled ears misheard the lyrics, and he instead marched around the house singing, We often see the wizard, the wonderful Wizard of Oz.

This would have been around the same age that he told a checkout lady in Tesco, My daddy has a winky. Wishing you and your families a wonderful Christmas. I love you, bye. That's good, isn't it? We often see the wizard, the wonderful Wizard of Oz. It changes the whole dynamic of the film. Because he's just around.

You don't have to walk down the yellow brick road or get over the obstacles that the witch throws in your path. He's around. We often see him. Yeah. Do you think, though, that the wizard they're seeing around is the big green head wizard or is it the actual wizard behind the curtain? Well, that's true because it would be more terrifying if it was the big projected wizard head and they'd be less likely to sing an upbeat song about it. So I think it's more like, you know, compare the British monarchy to the Swedish monarchy.

You know, they see them just, you see them around on bicycles shopping a bit more often. You know, it's the normal wizard. It's the real wizard. He's been exposed. He's got used to it. He's made a public apology. He's appeared on Oprah and he's now just hanging out that's nice that's good though isn't it well done jimmy wisbit and your son milo all right here's one that's a little bit on the gross side if you'd like to skip it just fast forward three minutes this is from jennifer dton, and she says, Hello, Adam and Joe.

Whilst chit-chatting with my beautician at a recent appointment, she was telling me how she had hoped to wake early that morning to do some exercise. She hadn't managed to do so, however, as she was so comfortable in bed and, quotes, curled up like a feces. Ooh. I had to stifle my laughter for two hours. Luckily, I was wearing a face mask. She made no attempt to correct herself, which made it all the more amusing.

Love you. Bye, Jane, age 29 from Surrey. Now, I was thinking, how would she correct herself? What was she aiming for? Between the single and, well, like a fetus. But there's also a clash between the singular and plural, isn't it? Like a feces. Yeah.

I was less worried about the clash between the singular and the plural. Well, no, I'm worried about that because what's the correct way of saying that? I was called up like a feces. A feces. Like a feces. What's the singular of feces? A face. Fecal. A fece. A shite. A feces. What's the singular of feces? A face. Fecal.

A fece. A shite. A fece. There's all sorts of problems with that. A tod. But you think that the right phrase is curled up like a fetus. Well, surely that's what she was thinking. Okay.

I don't think that is the right. It's not a commonly used phrase. Oh, I was curled up like a fetus. But they are curled up. Yeah, that's true. that's terribly cozy and uh yeah what else could it be i mean it struck me as being kind of perfect the way it was even though it's revolting it's the fetal position people know that phrase from first aid don't they right right put them in the fetal position right so she regards it as the most comfortable cozy position it also happens to be the shape of a

curly todd and curly todds are also very comfortable and warm that's one of my favorite childhood movies curly todd with jim belushi it's about a cheeky girl who kills people and turns them into pies it's like sweeney Todd and Curly Sue. OK, shall I give you a prezzy? Yes, please. Go to the toilet, take your time. Holiday time. Okay, shall I give you a prezzy? Yes, please. So Adam, please answer the following question with the answer, I don't know, I haven't really thought about it,

but now that you ask, I realise it's a really interesting and clever question. Okay? Okay. Who is your favourite automated checkout lady voice? I don't know, I haven't really thought about it, but now that you ask, it's a really interesting and clever question. Thank you. Do you go shopping? Do you do your household shopping? Yeah.

Sometimes. And where do you go? Wherever's open. Morrison's, quite like. And what sort of a check out do you use? I'll go for whatever's freest. If a person's available, I'll go for the person i love people yeah it's unusual though isn't it there are fewer and fewer people right yeah more machines

more rows of machines sometimes it is convenient to do the self-checkout and i certainly don't mind doing that i enjoy it if i'm going to be honest the self-checkout yeah yeah it's nice it gets better and better and easier and easier and i'm less intimidated by random items like veg and things like that which in the past would have just put too much of a spanner in the works looking it up and all that um and do you have a favorite uh automated checkout voice i mean let's face it they're mostly ladies for some reason there's the sainsbury's woman i quite like her should we just have a listen to her sure here she is please place the item in the packing area if you have a nectar card please scan it now please follow the instructions on the pin pad please enter your

pin would you like a receipt thank you goodbye so she. So she's nice, isn't she? She's very upbeat. Yeah. Perky. Cheerful and polite. Innocent. She's nervous about the receipt. She is.

Her voice changes when she talks about the receipt. Listen. Let's hear her again. Please enter your PIN. Would you like a receipt? I mean, I think she might have had a bad experience with a customer and a receipt in the past no i don't want a receipt what are you implying it's sad isn't it because otherwise she's so happy-go-lucky maybe she's trying to discourage you from getting a

receipt because that is extra wasted paper we don't want to draw on the world's already limited resources any more than we have to. You don't really need a receipt. Maybe you do for your accountant, but she's trying to discourage you. Would you like a receipt? So she doesn't want to make you feel too bad. Like it's an option. You can have one if you want, but it would be best if you didn't. What about that?

She's anxious about the environment yeah and trees yeah i think she's i mean from the from her voice i'd say she's had a sheltered upbringing i think she maybe rides an old-fashioned bicycle with a wicker basket attached to the handlebars right and wears a dress with flowers on it yeah and you might notice she refers you might notice she refers to the payment device as a pin pad, which, as we proceed through this review of automated tool voices, you'll notice is quite telling. So what about this one?

This is the co-op. What do you think of this one? Please scan an item or touch the screen to start. Please put the item in the bag. Please follow the instructions on the chip and PIN device. Payment accepted. Press for a receipt. Please take your shopping.

Thank you for shopping at the co-op. So she's Husky. She's got a big old smile on her. But I think that voice is of someone who's quite a heavy smoker and drinker very confident that's a lot of assumptions yeah i'm making a lot of assumptions okay make the assumption that i'm making i'm going to be making a lot of assumptions i assumed you would i think she's proud of what she does especially the ethical elements of uh the co-op and i think she's traveled widely and experimented with alternative lifestyles i think she's got i think

she's got tattoos she refers to the payment device as a chip and pin device yeah rather than a pin pad what do you think who's your favorite so far i do like uh where was that co-op that was the co-op previous was sainsbury's i do like the co-op woman there can you play that again of course please follow the instructions on the chip and pin device payment accepted press for a receipt please take your shopping thank you for shopping at the co-op. She has got a massive great smile in her voice. And it just turns into a beaming grin when she goes, Payment accepted. Oh, payment accepted. Payment accepted.

She loves her job. What about Waitrose? Please scan an item or press finish and pay. Please follow the instructions on the card reader. Thank you for shopping at Waitrose and Partners. I don't know, man. I think she's being held against her will. I think she could be trapped inside the machine.

I think she's sort of more stern. Went to a strict boarding school. I think she's angry. She's angry. Please follow the instructions on the card reader. Thank you for shopping at Waitrose and Partners. I mean, they're not all female voices. I did find there's a new supermarket chain that's open near me called...

What is it called? I think it's called Gavin's. Here, listen to this. All right. Welcome to Gavin's. Get on with it. Cab, I'm scared as shit. I'm waiting.

Stick it on the metal thing on the stick it on the metal thing on the right on the metal thing on the right get on with it come on kiss the dush tap your plastic on the tappy tappy ding dong take your crap and sod off have you got a gavin's near you in like only gavin's in norwich i think there's a gavin's uh near anglia square but there's not one out here where we are i don't know if they use the expression tappy tappy ding dong is that a south london thing i don't i really don't know anything about it i just went in and and i was recording these things for this segment and that's what i recorded i mean i can make some assumptions like i did with the other ones he seems curt cut to the chase brusque doesn't

suffer fools gladly impatient probably asked to record the voice at the last minute while doing something else maybe maybe the person they booked hadn't turned up he might be the engineer in the studio maybe just filling in. I think he probably rides an e-scooter on the pavement, doesn't care. And I think he's appeared in Guy Ritchie films and loves to tell people about it. But it is weird they're all female, apart from Gavin. I don't know. This one's very odd. I don't know about this one.

This is another new supermarket that's opened round the corner from me called Fenula's. And this is just very upscale, very really lovely food, delicious food. This is Fenula's.

Hello. Welcome to Fanulas. You look lovely today. Please place your sack on my sensitive tray area. Thank you. Please swipe your barcode across my laser beam. Oh, yes. That felt great. Thank you. Please place the items into the bag on my sensitive area. Oh, yes. That felt great.

That was unexpected. please take it out and put it back again that's better thank you is that it have you finished please present your payment equipment to my electric box would you like me to shoot a receipt into your hand thank you for shopping at fanulas that just seems some of that seems a bit off to be honest yeah it does i can't believe i was worrying about doing too many fart jokes in this um so what would you say your favorite automated checkout uh person voice was sainsbury's co-op waitrose gavin's or fenula's Sainsbury's, Co-op, Waitrose, Gavin's or Fanula's? Oh dear.

Why? Why are you asking me? Oh dear. It doesn't matter. Go on, just please say one of them. Gavin's. I'm going to hear Gavin again. Cab, I've scanned some shit. I'm waiting.

Stick it on the metal thing on the right. On the metal thing on the right. There we go. Anyway, that's my present to you. That was a review of automated checkouts in supermarkets. Happy Christmas. Thank you so much. It's exactly what I wanted. © BF-WATCH TV 2021 2021 movie highlights jay corn well i can give you some that maybe you might not have heard of. You know, maybe some that haven't been quite so high profile.

Yeah, I was very mainstream with my movies this year. Were you? Yeah. There's a movie called Riders of Justice with Mads Mikkelsen. I did see that one. Did you like that one? It was pretty crazy, wasn't it? I liked its craziness a lot.

Tonally crazy. Like a revenge movie mixed in with a kind of moving parenting drama and dealt with depression and bereavement. Very unpredictable, I thought. Yeah. And that's quite unusual these days in storytelling. And meaty as well. The bit where he does the thing to the person. Yeah.

I found really satisfying in a probably not very healthy manner. The other one that's really good, and this is pretty high profile, but was Summer of Soul. This is pretty high profile, but was Summer of Soul, the quest love sort of rediscovery of the Black Woodstock that happened. I think the year after Woodstock with Sly and the Family Stone and everybody playing in New York. I really want to see that. Where can you see? It's on Disney Plus. It's very, very good.

Very moving. By the way, did you get through the whole of the Beatles doc? I did, yes. I really gobbled it up. You know I'm not a big Beatles fan. And as a joke, I used to say to people, oh, I'm saving the Beatles till I get older. I don't have any Beatles albums.

I don't know very much about them at all. I think that documentary was my Beatles turning point in terms of getting into them. Because that album's great, right? Well, I mean, no. I know Beatles fans don't consider it to be great. They've got real sort of soul to them, the good ones. Like, Dig a Pony is pretty amazing. Absolutely.

No, I mean, I say no, I'm being glib. Obviously... No, I'd read that, though. I'd read people saying that, you know, it was their second worst album or something. Let it be. Yeah, it's still a good album, right? It's still got some good songs on it.

I think the version without Phil Spector's strings and production is, I like it better. That's what I'm listening to, I assume. Let it be naked, I think they call it. And it was good. But yeah, being in... So did you get a kick out of being in that room or feeling as if you were in that room with those people, with Lennon and McCartney? Well, weirdly, we were in the room. The day it came out, we were shooting on stage one at Twickenham.

Yeah. So we were actually on the stage where they are in the first episode. No way. Of that show, yeah. It was really odd uh i loved being in that beatles documentary being immersed in it you love being in the beatles i felt as if i was in the beatles by the end of it it was great wasn't it really sort of addictive and on a wavelength that very few things are because of how minute it is and how it feels like real time

so it's sort of like a weird art piece wasn't it i really found myself um sort of addicted to it for the week it was on did you get that audio file that a listener called richard foster sent you i don't think i did here listen to it he's called richard foster but he sent us an actual message from peter jackson which is very exciting have a listen hi Hi, Adam and Joe. This is Peter Jackson. I made The Lord of the Rings and also that new one about the Beatles. I just wanted to wish you both a very happy Christmas and all the best, all the best for

the new year. My name's Peter Jackson. All right. Bye. I like the idea that Peter Jackson would sort of correct his own voice in the middle of a sentence to make it more Peter Jackson-y and then remind himself who he was. Did you for a second think that was actually Peter Jackson?

No, but it's good. And it's even better than good because it sort of drifts in and out in a very pleasing way who sent that in somebody called richard foster thank you richard foster thanks richard peter jixon quite good not bad i could picture peter jickson jickson saying that actually now some of my entertainment highlights of the year were very mainstream. And I found myself enjoying Shang-Chi and the Legend of the Ten Rings. Oh, I haven't seen that yet. Quite good. Liked it. Much more than a lot of other superhero films I've seen. I thought you didn't like things with people with powers.

No, I don't. And when the powers start getting really used all over the shop it gets more boring but i liked the actors and i like the fact that i hadn't seen them in a million other things and they just they weren't excited they weren't irritating aquafina even though i've seen aquafina in other things she's good and she's got a nice charming manner about her she'll be excited to hear that they all listen to this. And they'll be thrilled. They will be thrilled. Yes!

I liked James Bond, No Time to Die, even though a few friends of mine didn't like it at all. Oh, no. I've been told it was so up itself and overblown. Did you like it? Yeah, I very much enjoyed it. I really liked it a lot more than i thought i was going to that's a good song though isn't it that's a good song that they play can you do an impression of billy eilish

singing style no but i bet you can i think to do billy eilish you've got to get very close on the mic you've got to be really breathy and then you've got to talk kind of like a baby, a little bit, and sing like this. No. I should have known. There was going to be some shooting. And car chases. Sounds like a very scared elf. Yeah, that's what she's like.

I worry about her as a massive pop icon for the generation because she seems very depressed. No, she's in a better place now. There's a documentary that shows her getting her stuff together. I hear that's very good. She's strong, man. I think she's a strong man. Is she?

Is she going to be on that Christmas strongman program where they pull trucks along? Yeah, with her teeth i love that uh yeah i think i think she'll be all right i hope she will anyway yeah james bond was good wasn't it i tell you the bit that was good was the bit with the lady in the place with the dress and the kicking oh yeah you know the one that's drunk and uh yeah she's really and At the end of the sequence, James Bond says, you were great, as if he's just a man who's watching the film. Yeah. He might as well have said, that bit was really good.

Well done. Exactly. No, it worked well. And I bet you that was a Phoebe Waller-Bridge line, because she did some punch-up on that movie, didn't she? What, when he says, you were really good? Yes. I think, in fact, I might be wrong,

but I think he said, you were excellent. says you were really good. Yes. I think in fact, I might be wrong, but I think he said you were excellent. Something like that. Yeah. Yeah. And that sounded to me like a, a Phoebe Waller bridge bit. And I very much enjoyed June. Oh,

even though it made me go back and watch David Lynch's version with my son. And I thought, hang on a second david lynch's version is much better than i remember it like it's not good and it's definitely boring and falls apart but there's so much amazing stuff in it yeah and it's got one thing that not only does the nude you not have, but couldn't get close to, and that's sting. Stung. In a little ribbed, moulded codpiece. Shaved, orange and sweaty, with spiky hair. Spiky hair and a great, crazy stare.

But all the art direction and the costumes and all the set design like it's all these sci-fi interiors well it would be rendered in in wood but you know what i mean like it's all oldie worldie wood in the david lynch version and it looks great it's almost like a kind of alpine chalet or something, except a sci-fi version thereof. Thank you. Thanks a lot, man. You're welcome.

One of the things I like about the Dune universe is the idea of using the voice. Yes. The special voice that the Bene Gesserit... You see, that's powers. I think you love powers. Listen, don't get too hung up. I was just trying to be...

Well, you said you told me you're not going to watch my series. I know. I was trying to be negative about it. Well, you succeeded. And I'm just trying to point out that you've told me two things that involve powers that you really liked. In fact, they're your pick of the year. I just don't like powers when you use them. Fair enough.

I like understated powers. I just don't like... I agree completely. I was saying this to Netflix the other day. Yeah. You know, if you've got a character that can do absolutely anything, then where's the stakes? I agree. I agree.

Well, that's the Batman conundrum, you know? Because if Batman can get anything out of his belt, then it renders the whole thing undramatic. And that's the difference between Camp Batman and Dark Batman, right? If Batman can get anything out of his belt, then it renders the whole thing undramatic. And that's the difference between Camp Batman and Dark Batman, right? You've got to know what's in his belt so you can anticipate. What's in Camp Batman's belt? Anything he wants. Literally anything to get him out of the hole he's in. But in Nolan Batman, Dark Batman, you have a scene with Michael Caine telling you exactly what's in the Bat Belt.

Right. That's not strictly true, but you know what I mean. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Anyway, I like that scene in the... That's going to be the title of my autobiography. It's not strictly true, but you know what I mean. Okay, that's a good title. Thanks.

The thing in Dune with the voice, though, I think they did it very well in the new one. And there's a scene right at the beginning of the movie in fact where they where they do it i'll play you the clip so this is paul atreides played by timothy chalamet beautiful timothy chalamet with his space he's very fragile and um his mom played by rebecca ferguson your friend who was in kid who would be king and she is excellent in the movie i think she's the best thing in the And his mum, played by Rebecca Ferguson, your friend, who was in Kid Who Would Be King. And she is excellent in the movie. I think she's the best thing in the movie. And I'm not just saying that because I've worked with her.

Yeah. But she's really good. Anyway, this is the scene towards the beginning where she is challenging him at the breakfast table, her son, to use this special voice that her order of the bene gesserit women they're kind of like witchy women with special powers can learn how to use in order to make people do their bidding why do we have to go through all this when it's already been decided ceremony thank you if you want it make me give it to you. Use the voice.

Give me the water. The glass can't hear you. Come on, me. Give me a glass of water. Give me a glass of water in me. A blind date, a Lully Biff in me chuck. Almost. Give me Laura Lully glass of water. Better Jesuit skills take years to learn, Paul. OK, how about a Lully Biff then?

More dreams? No, Laura Lully Biff. He's using the voice. Of the Queen? Yes. The most powerful voice in the universe that can compel you to do anything that's why she never uses it she uses it in the palace to get the dogs to behave well she does but there are all sorts of times politically and socially when you wished the queen would intervene and say something strongly but she can't because of the power, but because it's just like an unassailable force.

Yeah, she's probably got like a little bolt on her neck, a little bit like R2-D2. Yeah. A restraining bolt. A little bit like R2-D2. Exactly like R2-D2. So that she can't, because otherwise she'd be going off to Downing Street

the whole time and just telling Boris what to do, right? Don't prorogue me. Oh, Laura, Laura. It was a good movie, wasn't it? It was exciting. The bit when they're in the fanth dorm at the end when it turns into a chase sequence, that was really exciting.

I liked it. And finally, I watched Black Widow with Scarlett Johansson. i haven't seen that one either well look i'm going to give you the gift of an advanced taste of one of the uh main characters in there in fact i think he's i guess the main baddie and he's played by ray winstones now of course you and i are big fans of ray winstones and his acting and accents because what was the film like fool's gold fool's gold you used to play clips of on the radio show back in the day and what was his accent in that well he's american but not always. Well, in this one, in Black Widow, he is, I think, Russian, but not always. And he starts off in the very first scene.

Well, this is my theory. His first scene in the movie is the first scene they shot with him. And they hadn't done any rehearsal at all. And he is figuring out where he's going to go with the accent in his first line so this is a scene in which the big baddie played by ray winston is uh saying hello to rachel vice's character or at least we think it's rachel vice and he says this to her my god look at you. So, uh, how was the family reunion?

So you've got everything in there. He starts off quite posh. My God, look at you. My God, look at you. And then he skids from somewhere around new york to somewhere a bit more russian so uh how was the family reunion how was the family reunion reunion my my god how was the family reunion you can't possibly do it no there's no way. Very few actors can do that within one line. But Ray Winstone's can.

He's extraordinary. Then I think he decides later on in the scene, let's stay Russian, more or less. What about Romanov? She's a traitor. She turned her back on her people. Now, I don't know exactly what he's doing there, but he is her people. Now, I don't know exactly what he's doing there, but he is saying people.

She turned her back on her people. People, you don't turn your back on someone's people. She turned her back on her people. He does say people. People. I mean, young children are very proud of their uh pee and poo there's isn't there a whole sort of um school of psychoanalysis that's to do with how possessive you are about your first turds because they're the first things you create there you go so is that what the film's about is that

what happens in the pre-credits scene black widow is a young child and someone turning their back on her people. People. I can't wait to see this film. It sounds very, very good. She turned her back on her people. She turned her back on her people. Yeah, she is a sign of strength. And then this is a line that resonates in a way with feminism, I think.

I can finally come out of the shadows using the only natural resource that the world has too much of. Girls. Girls. Girls. Wow, he goes quite nasally at the beginning of that, doesn't he? Can we hear that again? wow he goes quite nasally at the beginning of that doesn't he can we hear that again

using the only natural resource the world has too much of girls girls wow the score's working hard there isn't it after he girls, the first time there's a moment of music that makes you, it's kind of like the girls theme. You can sing along with it if you want. Can you? Hmm. Girls. Girls. Girls.

Girls. It's so sad. Yeah. wow. Strong stuff. It feels powerful. It sounds like a powerful film. I mean, there's a lot of drumming, a lot of big heavy, heavy drumming going on there.

Pummelling big kettle drums. Exactly. And that's what you know things are important when they get the kettle drums out. We had some kettle drums in the score for a film I did and we got those guys. People said, oh, okay, these are the best drummers in the movie business. They do all the drumming for the Batman films,

Hans Zimmer, Marvel. I thought we were recording in Abbey Road. I thought these muscle men were going to come in, stripped to the waist, you know. Yeah. Sweaty. They weren't. Like big Samoan guys or something.

No, they were like just normal, dare I say, slightly nerdy British men. Hmm. Pale with glasses. But then they went. British men. Hmm. Pale with glasses.

But then they went... I thought, wow, you can just hire them to make yourself sound impactful. You should get them on the podcast, man. Do a jingle with them. All right, I'll do a drum sting. all i can see is an atreides that i want to kill time now for and i'll tell you what i'm going to play the made-up jokes jingle so assume you've just heard the made-up jokes jingle i'm a funny person i often make up jokes my jokes are more amusing than those of other folks when you hear my joke i think you'll find that you agree come on you're all invited to a made-up joke party good to hear that jingle again isn't it oh it's great no but you listeners you should know that adam just sung it to me because he didn't have the technical uh well you weren't ready to play it to me through the zoom so i just had a sort of

semi-committed slightly depressed slower version of it sung from memory i used to put that version in lacrimose yes right i'm just jumping straight in here with this first made-up joke and i'm sort of assuming everyone i'm sort of assuming everyone understands that are jokes made up yes these are made-up jokes the listeners have us, I haven't actually cross-checked all of these jokes, but they have assured us that they made them up themselves. Hey, Adballs and J. Canal. Question. Why did the Iberian Peninsula

actually welcome the invasion of 7th century Berbers? That's a good tortured set-up. I don't know. Hey, why did the Iberian Peninsula actually welcome the invasion of 7th century Berbers. That's a good tortured set-up. I don't know. Hey, why did the Iberian Peninsula actually welcome the invasion of 7th century Berbers? Because they were so Moorish. Nice. That's a good, that's an academic joke.

Yeah. Has it been made before? By an academic? Possibly. But not with that tortured set-up, no. No, that's perfect. That's a perfect made-up joke. Best and happy Christmas Jonathan Mailman. no. No, that's perfect. That's a perfect made-up joke. Best and happy Christmas, Jonathan Mailman. Hmm. Oh, he's called Jonathan.

And he's a mailman. Good joke, Jonathan. How about this one? This is quite clever as well. This is from Will Jenkins. Dear Buckles and Cornball, just the single ball for you. My 10-year-old daughter, Florence, claims she made this joke up, so he's shifting the blame onto 10-year-old daughter Florence claims she made this joke up, so he's shifting the blame onto 10-year-old Florence already.

It sounds too good, but I've never heard it before, and I just tried googling it, and it's not on the internet, so I guess that proves it. Anyway, here it is. Question. How does a giant heat its food? How does a giant heat its food? Answer. In a macro wave. Ooh.

Yeah. Yeah. A macro wave for a giant. That's good. That's good. Says Will. Yes. Love to you both.

Bye. How about this one? I think this is your level. It's from Alex in West Sussex, age 36. Dearest Dr. B and Cornballs. Question. What is the rudest texture? Answer. Bumpiness. Brackets. dr b and cornballs question what is the rudest texture answer bumpiness brackets bumpiness sorry i've needed to get that off my chest for years i can now move forward i hope lots of

festive joy to both alex west sussex age 36 bumpiness bumpiness bumpiness that's a good one that is a good one. Because you can say it normally. You don't have to really lean on the naughtiness of the word. Yeah, it's like saying the planet Uranus. Well, you're supposed to say Uranus. Yeah, but I say Uranus. Yeah, I know you do.

But bumpiness, there's only one way of saying that, and it works both ways. Yeah. Bumpiness. Bumpiness. makes me blush bumpiness i'm saying bumpiness you love that joke i do here's one from david black why do german hairdressers always win radio phone-in quizzes brackets said in aggressive german accent close pretyx because we dialtext. Because we dial so soon. Because we dial so soon. Because we dial so soon. Because we dial so soon. Because we dial so soon.

That's quite good, isn't it? That is good. I read that one and I didn't understand it. No, it's a little sophisticated for you. I said it three times, though, in three different ways to really nail it, ram it home. Bumpiness. Shove it home. Bumpiness.

You say it. Bumpiness. No. We dial so soon. Because we dial so soon. Because we dial so soon. Because we dial so soon. That's good.

Is that racist? I don't know. Another one from Andy Buchan. I have a made-up joke for you. Brighton isn't known for its bread, but Hove is. Hove is next to Brighton, and Hove is a brand of bread. If he genuinely made that up, that's really, really good, isn't it? Oh, it's very good.

Brighton isn't known for its bread, but Hove is. But Hove is. Hove is. That's good, isn't it? so uh how's rosie the dog rosie is extremely well thank you very much for asking. Probably she's in the kitchen on the sofa multitasking, doing a selection of toxic farts, lovingly licking her private parts. Happy to go with the lateral flow. She's pro vaccine anti-masking. She would like a scratch scratch, some chicken or a chew. Then she will find a random room and do a secret poo. Thanks for letting me know. Does she really do that? Does she find a random room and do a secret poo? Yes.

All the time. Really? All the time. On the carpet? Yes. What do you do? How do you clean? Have you got little sort of weird past poo patches all over the carpet?

Not poo. Actually, the poo is the least of it. It's the wee that is disastrous for the carpet. Isn't she house trained? Evidently not. Is she just getting old? I think she does it as a protest. If she's not taken out for a walk when she wants a walk, then she'll do a wee-wee in a room. And there are rooms, I think pretty much every room in the house now has some lurid yellow patches on the carpet.

And it's special toxic stuff that you cannot scrub out. Why don't you get a dog flap? Dog flap. She's not a huge dog, is she? She could squeeze through a little dog flap. Yeah, we don't really want her coming and going that easily. She could get into trouble she could the other day you know on bonfire night she got upset by that this is the theory right because towards the end of bonfire night we were not at any displays or anything we were all at home as a family suddenly we get a phone call around about

seven or eight o'clock or something after there's been a display of fireworks quite close by, actually. And it's finished. And the phone rings and my wife, my wife, takes the call. And she goes, oh, my God. Oh, thank you very much. And then she hangs up and she goes, Rosie's just been found on the road about a mile away. She's fine.

She hasn't been hit by a car, mercifully. Someone just found her wandering around and opened the door and said, get in, little doggy. And Rosie obligingly jumped in. And luckily it was a nice person. And they took her to the nearest vet and thanks to the wonders of modern technology the vet was able to establish who rosie was thanks to the she's got a chip yeah and um it's the law now yeah very soon and they gave us a call and i went and collected her immediately but the thought of her out there how had she got out we didn't know what was she

doing she's never done anything like that before like she runs off when we're on a walk occasionally but she always comes back my wife's theory was that she'd just been upset by the firework noises and sort of ran off in a confused tiz and ended up on the road. Oh, God. That's the end of that story. It's a terrible story. Well, listen, our cat follows us down the street when we go out. Oh, yeah.

Yeah. And she's got a cat flap. He has got a cat flap. Follows us down the street. When we pull up in the car, he comes running up the pavement, sits next to the car door. When I go over to the road to see my parents he trots after me won't come in though yeah uh he's all right he's independent never found him a mile away poor rosie keep her in the house yeah well we give her a dog litter tray that's a good idea but i think at this point

she's never gonna learn learn, is she? No, you train her. I'd get her to do that. Listen, I don't know if you've ever heard the expression, you can't teach an old dog new tricks, but I think it's true. How old is Rosie? She's nine or something like that. How old is that in dog years?

I think it's middle-aged, I'm hoping. Oh, dear. Listen, do you want a Christmas present? How's that for a segue? It's a good way of wrapping up a traumatic story. I just think, no, it's good. But it's Christmas. We don't want to hear depressing dog stories.

Well, it's not depressing anyway. She was fine, thanks to the kindness of ordinary people. Well, in that case, it's like a Sainsbury's ad. It's uplifting. Yeah. How would you turn that story into a christmas advert how would you uh how would you thread a product into it maybe just the make of the car yeah the car exactly and she snuggles down onto the seat how little winsome eyes looking through the windows yeah and the the car has a special wipe down surface for when rosie does a plop on the seat yeah yeah that's a good idea and then you've got um maybe olivio rodrigo does a a song in the

same sort of billy eilish style singing like that about the new car so nice i car you can wipe down the seat of a car. It's a really nice car. Like that. I bet that'll sell a lot of cars. A lot of, a lot of cars going to be sold. A lot, a lot of cars. Um, okay. Hello.

Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello So listen, it's a big year for you this year, and it's a big Christmas because you've got a big role in the forthcoming Sing To, right? Yes, I do. I saw the movie the other day. I bet it's great. Is it great? Loved it. Loved it.

So that's exciting. It's a big role. You're in the trailer and stuff, right? Yeah. I play a fascistic monkey monkey dance instructor of course yeah you don't need to state the obvious why don't you what a fascistic monkey monkey instructor monkey dance instructor yeah so listen i don't because so you're a very experienced actor and i don't want to teach my granny to suck eggs or anything but

while i was doing my netflix thing i came across a book that apparently lots of actors use that i'd never heard of before and it's it's an acting technique that i'd never heard of before this is for reals okay wow and i thought i might share it with you and it's called the book is called actions the actors now here's a word I always say wrong. Thesaurus. Thesaurus. Do you say it like the dinosaur? Theosaurus.

No, not Theosaurus. The Theosaurus Rex. Say it. Thesaurus. Thesaurus. Isn't that what I said? No. Anyway, let's just call the book Actions.

And it's very good. Can I read you the foreword? Please. I once met Sinead Cusack at a Christmas party. The previous year she'd been offered a job by Max Stafford-Clark. She'd heard about the way he works. Brackets Max requires his actors to action each line of text and to annotate their scripts, sitting around a table for two to three weeks of rehearsal to achieve this. Sinead told him, I'd love to work with you, but I know how you work and I have to say up front I can't do it and I won't do it. Max replied, try it for a week.

No, I really want you to play this part. Give me four days. No, three days. Absolutely not. Give me two days. And if you're not happy, we'll do it your way. A big gesture from the immaculate Max. happy, we'll do it your way. A big gesture from the Immaculate Max. So finally, consigning the first two days of rehearsal to what she imagined would be a complete waste of her time, Sinead

agreed to do the job. She told me, I did it his way for two days, then three days, then a week. Two weeks later, we were still at it. She took a sip of mulled wine, tasting the memory. Then, in her gorgeous liquid brogue, said, How did I ever act before that? Wow, that is a... So that's real. That's strong stuff, isn't it? Strong beginning. Who's writing this? That is the foreword to the book Actions, and that is written by Terry Johnson, the author of the book.

Good one. So it's a good sell, isn't it? Yes. This is obviously a strong technique. Yes, please. I'd love to know a little bit about it i could certainly use some tips so what this book basically is is just a whole book of um of actions of action words right abolish abuse disentangle dishearten irritate quicken spoil so this technique is to go through the text of the play or whatever you're working on

and ascribe each line one of these actions so you know what the intention of your performance is, right? So I've sent you a paragraph of dialogue from a new West End play, which is called Eggs, and pick a letter of the alphabet, first of all. G. G, okay.

Pick a number between 1 and 20. 17. Okay, it's gratify. All right, so I'd now like you to read that paragraph of text. Now, actually, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10. There's 10 different versions of gratify. Pick a number between 1 and ten um six humor so you're humoring someone when you say this dialogue go for goodness sake and damn it roger you fool the manner in which you've been cooking these eggs

is utterly wrong-headed how many times do i have to be telling you the correct way that it is to cook these eggs twice 19 000 times well for once and for all i will finally tell it to you so you bloody go ahead i think that i think the dialogue is too tricky. It is very difficult to say. I should have said you were stupid. I mean, this is great dialogue. Who wrote this?

Patrick Marber. Did Patrick Marber write eggs? Yes. It's too long. I should have sent you a shorter bit of text. Pick another letter of the alphabet. All right. A.

A. Good letter. Number between one and twenty? Seven. OK. OK. Accelerate. So you're trying to make someone get on with something.

Right. OK. And action. For goodness sake and damn it, Roger, you fool. The manner in which you have been cooking these eggs is utterly wrong-headed. so you're trying to make someone get on with something right okay and action for goodness sake and damn it roger you fool the manner in which you have been cooking these eggs is utterly wrong-headed how many times do i have to be telling you the correct way that it is to cook these eggs twice 19 000 times well for once and for all i will finally tell it to you so you'd bloody well better go ahead and be listening real good and proper this time. Fried, not scrambled, not boiled, not poached, and most certainly not deviled.

Fried, damn you. That was good. I really felt like you were trying to accelerate the frying of the eggs, speeding them up. Yeah, I was trying to. Let's go to the other end of the alphabet. Persuade. Can you be more persuasive this time? Okay.

Okay, and action. Hang on, I'm going to throw something else in the alphabet. Persuade. And you be more persuasive this time. Okay. Okay, and action. Hang on, I'm going to throw something else in. Oh, Jesus. French. Okay. I'm going to throw something else in. Man, that's three things. Very cold.

Physically cold. Cold, persuasive, and French. Yes. Come on. And action. sway seven french yes come on and action for goodness sake and damit roger you fool the manner in which you have been cooking these eggs is utterly wrong i did how many times do i have to be telling you the correct way that it is to cook these eggs twice the cold cold twice 19 000 times well for once and for all i will finally tell you so coldness, cold. Twice. 19,000 times. Well, for once and for all, I will finally tell you.

So you bloody well better go ahead and be listening. Real good and proper this time. Fried. Not scrambled. Not boiled. Not poached. And most certainly not deviled. Fried.

Damn you, so cold. That was really very, very good. I mean, it's a good technique, isn't it? I mean, there's thousands of these words. Yeah. And they transformed Sinead Cusack's acting. Yeah, yeah. Do you want to try one more?

Sure. I think everybody wants to hear that speech again. Should we not bother? I don't know. It just feels... It just feels... I don't know. I'm looking at these words and thinking about that speech and just... I don't know whether we should bother.

It's like a Christmas present to both of us what not bothering yeah i've never heard someone say for goodness sake and damn it well you know marba man he plays with language he does well can I make a confession? For goodness sake and damn it. What? I wrote that. You wrote the egg speech? Yes. It's not Patrick Marber. Not Patrick Marber? No.

Wow. Mm-hmm. That's changed things, hasn't it? Well, yes and no. No. No. all right i've got one more gift for you jay corn before we say goodbye and this is a christmasy gift uh i don't know if you know what the uk's number one is currently oh crikey i don't it is elton john and ed sheeran yes and it's a song called merry christmas have you heard that you know i haven't i've seen it on my YouTube front page, but you know I haven't clicked on it. Hmm.

Well, I've got it for you for Christmas because I thought that you'd enjoy it. Here it is. So kiss me under the mistletoe. Pour out the wine, let's toast and pray for December snow. I know there's been pain this year, but it's time to let it go. Next year you'll never know. But for now, Merry Christmas. Dancing in quiche with the lambs go.

A beef of no love. This lovely car is the best it's for. That is chic as sea. A boomer, I do know. My God, you'll love it, though. Bye now. Merry Christmas. The party's raging on. And we'll all sing along to the song. Just having so much fun.

But we hear carry on. Better talk, but I want who I got. Very good, but very wrong. Gosh, well, no wonder that's number one. It's terrific. Yeah, it's nice, isn't it? They've both got quite eccentric singing styles, haven't they? Yeah, they do. They've both got very distinctive voices and deliveries. Quite hard to hear the lyrics.

When Elton's singing, you mean? When both of them are singing, I mean. Hmm. I mean, they say that in order to become a big pop star, you've got to have a very distinctive voice. You've got to be able to hear a second on the radio and go, oh, that's definitely Elton or that's definitely Ed. And that is true of those, judging on what I've just heard, it's true of those singers.

And that's a number one now. Yes. Anyway, there you go. But listen, thanks so much for all your wonderful gifts. Well, thank you for all your wonderful gifts. And have a very, very Merry Christmas. Thanks so much, man. Same to you.

Lots of love to you and your daughter and partner and your wonderful mum and dad and everyone you know. Straight back at you. Thanks a lot, man. And happy Christmas, listeners. This is an advert for Squarespace. Every time I visit your website, I see success. Yes, success. The way that you look at the world

makes the world want to say yes. It looks very professional. I love browsing your videos and pics and I don't want to stop. And I'd like to access your members area and spend in your shop. These are the kinds of comments people will say about your website if you build it with Squarespace. Just visit squarespace.com slash buxton for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, because you will want to launch,

use the offer code BUXTON to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. So put the smile of success on your face with Squarespace. Yes. Great. Continue. You were excellent. Hey, Rosie. What are you looking at me? Rosie just gave me a very soulful look.

Oh, Rosie, I love you so much. It's crazy. Just having a romantic moment with Rosie there. Hey, welcome back, Festive Podcats. Joe Cornish there, of course. Very grateful indeed to Joe for his time, for his thoughtful and uplifting audio gifts, and for his continued friendship.

I, of course, will be watching Lockwood & Co. when it turns up on Netflix, though I reserve the right to grumble if excessive special powers are employed. Me and the family watched Summer of Soul after Joe mentioned it a couple of nights ago. Some amazing footage in there, great performances from B.B. King, David Ruffin, Nina Simone, The Fifth Dimension, The Staples Singers. It's good, recommend it, all in the context of the story of this cultural festival that took place over several weekends in Harlem, New York. And, you know, the documentary goes into what was happening at the time in the US. It's really good. Questlove of the Roots was responsible for putting it together

so anyway that's good seek that out thanks very much indeed to everyone who has helped me make this podcast this year most especially Seamus Murphy Mitchell thanks for your work on this episode to Seamus really appreciate all your help and support thanks to Matt Lamont Becca Tyshinsky Emma Corsham Annika Meissen for their edit help this year thanks to Helen Green

she does the artwork for the podcast thanks to Gear 4 Music fantastic online music store brilliantly fast and efficient delivery and service can't recommend them highly enough. They also help me out by supplying some of my guests with microphones now and then. Thanks to everyone who works at ACAST. Thanks to everyone who I recorded with this year. Thanks to my son Natty, who did the keyboard parts for my Lil Cold song. Much appreciated.

You did a great job, but I'm afraid the answer is still no. Re, your request to have 50 people round on New Year's Eve. I think that's more or less everyone. But thanks, most especially of all, to you, podcats, for listening, for all those messages you sent in, and other messages and letters that you sent me throughout the year. Always really kind and uplifting and encouraging.

So thank you. Drizzly Christmas hug. Come on. Until next time we meet probably around april 2022 take good care out there and you know for what it's worth i love you bye Bye. Thank you.