THE ADAM BUXTON PODCAST - EP.200 - ADAM AND JOE

Episode Date: December 25, 2022

Adam shares a giant festive waffle pudding with his old friend, the films director Joe Cornish and there's a surprise guest appearance by another friend of the podcast to celebrate the 200th episode.CONTAINS SOME STRONG LANGUAGERecorded face to face in London on December 9th and 22nd, 2022Thanks to Séamus Murphy-Mitchell for his work on this episode.Podcast artwork by Helen Green Podcast music/jingles by Adam Buxton except Shout Outs music bed from 'Wario’s Woods' game (Dr Buckles remix. Music composed by Shinobu, Soyo Oka, 1994)Right On MotherRELATED LINKSST MUNGOS - MAKE IT SOMEONE'S LAST NIGHT ON THE STREETSMSF (DOCTORS WITHOUT BORDERS)BEST OF BUG @ JUST FOR LAUGHS FESTIVAL Thursday March 2nd - 2023LOCKWOOD & CO (Netflix page) - 2023 (NETFLIX)DAN HAWKINS (ON LINE BASS PLAYER)GEAR4MUSICROSIE vs JURASSIC 5 VIDEO by Henry Jackson Newcomb - (INSTAGRAM) Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

I added one more podcast to the giant podcast bin Now you have plucked that podcast out and started listening I took my microphone and found some human folk Then I recorded all the noises while we spoke My name is Adam Buxton, I'm a man I want you to enjoy this, that's the plan. Ho, ho, ho, hey, hey, hey. How you doing, podcats?

It's Adam Buxton here. I am joining you for a festive country walk with my best little helper, Rosie Buxton. How are you doing, Rosie? Pleased to be outside, but otherwise entirely nonplussed. Fair enough. Not everybody loves this time of year. I myself have found it unusually stressful for some reason in the build-up to the festive break but right now I'm feeling very happy and it's a beautiful day it was disgusting yesterday I'm going for disgusting I came back from London I was cycling back from Norwich station and it was just the worst weather ever. It rained the entire way, it was freezing,

it was just grey, dark and apocalyptic. Not like today. Out here in the Norfolk countryside, Christmas Eve 2022, it is beautiful, clear and bright, sunny. So sunny, in fact, that I thought that I would be fine without gloves. And it was a mistake. It's colder than I thought, but it's lovely to be out in the fields. I'm not going to go on too long because there's a lot to pack in. the fields. I'm not going to go on too long because there's a lot to pack in. As tradition dictates, the guest for the festive podcast was Joe Cornballs Cornish, who I don't think needs any introduction, nor am I going to tell you what we talked about. I don't think I need to set anything up, do I? No. There's a bit of swearing. If you're listening with people who are sensitive or puritanical, then tread carefully. Don't think there's anything too bad in there.

But it is a bit lavatorial. I apologise. Most of the conversation with Joe was recorded earlier this month, December 2022, face-to-face, a surprise to Joe, as you will hear, that we were recording face-to-face in his nutty room in South London, where he lives with his beautiful and magical family. So before we get to that, a quick mention of a worthy organisation who I would be grateful if you could support this festive season. If you're one of those people who says, oh, Buckles, I'm so grateful for the free podcast. Surely there must be a way that I could shower you with gifts and money in return.

Well, what you could do, if you are able to, is donate to a couple of good causes. And the first one I want to mention is St Mungo's, who I've mentioned on the podcast before. They're a charity working to end homelessness and rebuild lives. St Mungo's frontline workers are out on the streets every night, helping to bring people in from the cold. You can help St Mungo's make it someone's last night on the streets and their first night of a new life by making a donation this Christmas. To donate please visit mungos.org slash Buxton. There's a link in the description. If you were able to make a donation that would be very kind. Thanks. Okay, let's get on with it. I'll be back a couple of times during the podcast with a bit of solo waffle. But right now, with Joe, Jingle,

Cornbells, Cornish, here we go. Ramble Chat We'll focus first on this Then concentrate on that Come on, let's tune the bat And have a Ramble Chat Put on your fluffy winter coat And find your Santa hat Yes, yes, yes Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho There you go.

Ramble Chat. It's one of the all-time great jingles and it's got a Christmas bell going on there as well. I don't know if you noticed that. Did you? Yeah, it made all the difference. It's really just conjured up a really lovely, snowy, festive atmosphere.

And we're not having a fire this year because... It's un-environmentally friendly. It's bad for the environment. Yeah, fossil fuels. Plus there's, you know, energy crisis in general. So we're just keeping it lean. Yeah, we're cuddled very close together this year. Yeah, yeah.

That is how most people are going to have to heat themselves. So we're nude and cuddled very, very, very close together. Because if you wear clothes and cuddle, a lot of the heat's going in the clothes. So you've got to have skin-to-skin contact. And because we're a bit middle-aged now there's a little bit more stuff to grab onto there's a lot of folds interlacing can you interlace a fold yeah yeah like stacking them sure like a good uh bit of joinery well you just fold them into each other but we're back to back in case um any of us gets any stirrings? I'm still thinking about folding the stomach flat together.

It's like layering pastry together. Yes, it is. A delicious croissant or something. Yeah, one of those fluffy choux pastries. Can we tell the listeners what happened? Yes, we can. Yes. So I assumed we were going to do this by Zoom.

Because we've done it by Zoom for the last how many years two years more than two years isn't it only pandemic times really i think it might be more than that no because zoom didn't exist before pandemic no no it did it did exist but i didn't use it so i basically made a special little tent out of my daughter's climbing frame with a duvet over it, put some towels down, put everything on pillows, cushions, to cushion the sound because I wanted to have high-quality acoustics. And I was walking around the house

in my shorts, corduroy shorts, thinking, when's Adam going to email? When's he going to text? He's going to leave it to the last minute, isn't he? Typical. Like, I'm completely poised and ready. And he hasn't even contacted me when suddenly there

was a ring at the doorbell, which is controversial because my daughter's gone to sleep. I said, who's that? My wife said, it's there was a man selling sponges earlier today. It could be him, you know, and I was all getting ready to say to the sponge man, don't try selling us sponges at this time of night. We have a young child. I opened the door and there was Father Buxton. You did open it very cautiously. I kept the chain on.

I was thinking, is he doing a joke about... No. You know, you don't ring people's doorbells after dark with a young family unless you've got a good cause. But it was Uncle Buckles. It's one of the elves. In person, completely unexpected. And what a joyous Christmas surprise it is to have him in my grotto.

Yeah, to be face to face again. Very nice. Well, it's nice to see you, man. And I'm sorry about the, it's not, I mean, you're being nice about it. But personally, I don't like those kinds of surprises. If you're not expecting a human being to turn up in your domicile... Really? And suddenly there they are.

It's like, oh, it's going to take a while to reset. Well, it depends who it is. Yeah. And I know you quite well. We've known each other for a while. That's true. So I think it's fine. All right, good.

If my daughter had been about to go to bed and you'd disrupted the bedtime ritual, that might have been different. That might have been. Because if she'd clapped eyes on Uncle Buckles, it would have been like a firework display in her tiny head. Sure, she'd be going, Oh my God, it's this guy.

He's the 49th best podcaster in the UK. She'd never be able to get to sleep. You'd have to read her every flipping Julia Donaldson book on her shelf. Also, she would be demanding the ramble chat jingle. Wouldn't she just? And that brings me to this first message from the podcats. And here is one from Polly Jenkinson. She says, hi, Adam and Joe.

My boyfriend Christian is from romania and i introduced him to your podcast a few years back he makes music and especially enjoys your jingles once i commented on how talkative a friend of ours is and christian replied yeah he's a real ramble jack i asked him what a ramble jack was and he said you know and then to the tune of your intro song sang ramblejack. I asked him what a ramblejack was and he said, you know, and then to the tune of your intro song sang ramblejack. I'm just a ramblejack, which he had until that day believed to be the lyrics. Cheers, Polly. Is this somebody who's learning English through your podcast? It's possible. He's from Romania. What a frightening thought. And he is like, what do you mean? Like if a ramblejack is where you describe a person, then what does he mean by let's have a ramblejack? What does he

think you mean by let's have a ramblejack? He's saying ramblejack, I'm just a ramblejack. Oh, like a ramblejack is like a sort of honky tonk man. Exactly right. A sort of grifter. Yeah. A sort of rambling-tonk man. Exactly right. A sort of grifter. Yeah. A sort of rambling rose. Grifter Rhys Jones. Yeah. What?

So he thought that I was quoting a well-known phrase, a verbose, talkative person is a ramblejack, which is quite good. That is quite good, yeah. Sort of like a sort of person who might knock on your door late at night and attempt to sell you some ramble. A bit like what you're doing right now. Exactly. exactly oh god there's a ramble jack at the door tell him to go away our daughter's in bed now ramble jack is going to read out some praise do you like podcasts

where they read out praise for themselves that people have sent in i think that might put me off yeah it puts me off too are you going to put people off now? Yes. Okay. This is from Justin Campbell. Justin says, I've been listening to your podcast for about 10 years. I started when I moved to Amsterdam from London. I dropped off a bit when I had kids, but started listening again during lockdown. I just wanted to say thank you for the Paddy Considine podcast.

That came out a couple of weeks ago. It is really excellent. I think I'd go so far as to say it's my favourite podcast you've ever done. Just so good. And you even had a bit of a cold. I love this email. Just wanted to say thanks, Adam. Oh, and my kids love you too.

They are mad about Sing and were quite surprised that the monkey also did a podcast. Justin Campbell, advertising specialist. So it sort of tails off a little bit on that last line. You play like an angry monkey in Sing? A monkey dance teacher, a proboscis monkey, yes. The monkey has a podcast. Yeah, I mean, Sing aside, it's surprising that the monkey has a podcast yeah i mean sing aside it's surprising that the monkey has a podcast but that's good so why like i did enjoy that episode as well i thought paddy was very good

i mean his when my film was nominated for a bafta so was his and his won. So deep down, I'm angry with him. Dead Man's Shoes won. No, Tyrannosaur. Oh, Tyrannosaur. I mean, I was, I didn't say anything out loud, but I was furious. Tyrannosaur punches pretty hard, though. Well, it punches too hard.

Yeah. I gotta punch harder, haven't I? I've got to have more. You've got to get depressing, boy. I know. You've got to really plumb those depths. You've got to just, you've got to go for, boy. I know. You've got to really plumb those depths. You've got to go for some heavy therapy, zero in on those problems, and start sharing the heck out of them. I'm too pop.

Okay. Now, it's time for present number one, because you see, usually, we've got used to doing audio presents because of the remoteness of the recording scenario. But this time... Yeah, so as have any physical presence that's okay neither do i this well except for this one which is sort of kicking things off wow it's two in one it's a gift but it's also well you'll see listeners it is definitely cup shaped it's the shape of a kind of cup you might get at a cinema, like in the 80s for a promotion. Like I have an ET, Promotional Collectors Cup, which is pretty much the same size. More recent.

More recent. I've also got a Fifth Element one. It's a bit bigger, but... More recent. You know, you'd pay like $9.99 for a cup of Coke and then keep the high quality exactly this is very exciting it's wrapped in lovely uh santa themed papers and christmas wishes oh adam it's a lenticular cup for lord of the rings the return of the king and it's got uh sputon montegrew is that what he's called i think he's called sputon Montegrew. Is that what he's called?

I think he's called Sputon Montegrew. The Elf Jackson and Fanula. That was the name of the supermarket checkout from last year, wasn't it? Fanula, was it? Yeah, I'm obsessed with Fanula. And it's got Grumlin. Everybody's favourite emaciated little old man, grumlin. Oh, grumlin.

So that's yours to keep. That's incredible. And you can drink your drinks out of it. Hang on, they change. They're lenticular. Sure, it's lenticular. So Fanula turns into Grunhilde. Now, at this point, Joe, before we go...

Hang on, wait. Are you changing the subject? No. Did you listen to the episode I did with Richard E. Grant recently? Yes. Okay. So you don't remember the I did with Richard E. Grant recently? Yes. Okay. So you don't remember the bit about urinating during a Zoom call? You've urinated in here.

I wouldn't mind. I washed it out. Listen, I have a young child. Urine is part of my day-to-day existence. Okay, good. Did you give it a special wash or just a normal wash? When you say special wash, do you mean like by winging it again? Is that what you mean? That's a special wash do you mean like by winging it again is that what you mean that's

a special wash really yeah i gave it a special wash and i but and i used um you know this is a very um interesting uh cost of living crisis energy saving technique you've got that instead of using the dishwasher just pop all the crockery in the lobby and piss on it. Is that what's going on? Then flush the... This isn't very Christmassy. Flush the loo and go, right, dishes are done. What's inside, though? I was going to go somewhere else with that, but I just thought it and didn't say it.

It was involving one of the baking trays. What were we going to make? A Yule log. So what? What are we talking about? I'm opening this now. So now you're opening it. Good.

You've responded well to the callback. What would you call this? A plastic lid. Thanks. One of those tight ones. So in there, we have got a selection of messages from the listeners wow see what you think what have you got there i've got a made-up joke hi robin from worcester here my nine-year-old son joe came up with this one question why are women never uncles answer

because they aren't nice love you bye bang wham now a nine-year-old made that up really i think that's a new joke isn't it did you google it no but i bet it is because it's got a sort of um it's got a sort of semiotic panache that's but i don't think vine minutes car or anybody could be capable of well who else is there who are the the other... Wordsmith comedians. Yeah, who... Milton Jones. Monkhouse comedians. Carr keeps a big book, like Monkhouse, right?

Does he? Yeah. Of racist filth. Maybe it's just because Jimmy Carr looks a bit like Bob Monkhouse. Yeah, that's true. He's sort of the new Bob Monkhouse. Say the joke again. Why are women never uncles?

Because they aren't. That's good. Robin. Not sure whether Robin's a lady or a man, but they say, love you, bye, and a kiss and a hug and a kiss. That's brilliant stuff, Robin.

I'm Googling. It's not Robin that wrote it, remember? We should be... It's Joe. It's the son, Joe. Nine-year-old son, Joe. kiss that's brilliant stuff robin i'm googling it's not robin that wrote it remember we should be uh we should be it's joe it's the son joe nine-year-old son joe that's incredible stuff joe thanks for sending it to us robin i am googling it to verify the provenance provenance you could just google because they aren't did you google because they aren't yeah anything no joe this is phenomenal i mean things are changing in that household. They're going to have to reassess Joe's education,

his future plans, his higher education, probably the diet that he has. Change the sport-academia balance. Is he just going to do stand-up or is there going to be other stuff? Well, he's got a lot of choices. A lot of choices.

He can work clean it's sort of highbrow but it's gettable by a wide audience. Walk on stage say that. Bam. Palm me a hand. I love it. Love it. Well thanks for this gift. I mean what a lovely gift isn't it? It's going to really be the gift that keeps on giving throughout the

show. Wow. It literally is. Ranulf is turning into Samaritan and Pippi smeritan pippi am i getting these names right fogleton and joeville run off the old and fennel and pippi oh don't touch the lord of the rings. Thanks, Gron. Grublin. Grublin the wizened old... Thin man. Right. The holiday horn, it goes do-do-do.

Holiday time. Have a carrot. Have two carrots. Go to the toilet. Take your time. Now, earlier today, I gifted you a special electronic present. I'll tell you what it is, and I'll demonstrate it to you. It is a white noise maker. Or at least a noise generating app talked about these things haven't you yeah it doesn't just do the white noise it does all sorts of stuff you got brown noise pink noise you've got uh also nature sounds well i might be getting this wrong but it's

all about frequencies so white noise is a bit like the static you get off a TV. Sure. Quite high pitched. Poltergeist noises. Brown noise, it's darker and more rumbly. Pink is somewhere in between, I think. Have you got one of these things already? Do you ever use one?

No. It's a game changer. I'm using the phrase game changer i did wake up in the middle of the night last night at about four and was having trouble going to sleep so i just listened to a podcast very quietly and that sent me to sleep or talking pictures tv yeah just quietly just with the voices just so you have to make a little bit of an effort to hear them it's not just for sleeping though it's also for blocking out unwanted noise if you're on a noisy bus flight podcast yeah train journey right whatever and you really and someone is screaming in your ear or maybe you've got an arguing you like you stop hearing it couple yes And so it helps if you've got the noise-cancelling cans.

That's part of the puzzle. But even if you don't, you can just turn on your noise app and blast it. And it just blocks everything out. That's quite good. And it's very soothing. Is it good on planes? Yeah, man. Because whatever you do on a plane, somehow voices really carry.

Yeah, well, on a a plane you've already got that low rumble anyway so you can just sort of boost it in your headphones and it's very soothing and it blocks out all the high frequencies so what are we going to do with this this is a special version this is a special app right that has got some incredible settings that I think you'd like to take advantage of. All right. All right. Okay, here's some of the settings on your special noise maker. So as well as your standard kind of things like rain, because people love the sound of rain and thunder.

Sure, sure. But I don't go to the Buckle Sonic 5000 for standard sounds. I can get those from any other app. Exactly. Most apps will have that. Although this is good. I do love the spaceship rumble. So do I.

Oh. Oh, yeah. You see, you'd love that, don't you? Nothing you'd love more than to be like on the spaceship from Outland. On the bridge. Or like, you should do one of those missions. On the Enterprise. You should do one of those. You would make a very good astronaut on one of those missions where they're not sure

whether they'll ever come back or get there. You'd be the one that was chirpy right till you flew into the sun. This is excellent. Everybody else would be going mad, eating each other's flesh, like having, making, you know, having sex with a computer.

So that's the spaceship rumble. That is one of my favourite settings. That's a good rumble, rumble, bumble. It's a little bit like living next to a nice motorway if you've got good double blazing. Double blazing and a sort of very, very uniform amount of traffic passing. It's like staying in one of those depressing motels in an airport and they've got sort of triple glazing.

There's no way in the world that you're ever going to be able to connect with the outside. It's kind of like the sound of the air con. Yeah, and you've got the air con. Massive air con system, yeah. Love it. Absolutely love it. Not depressing at all. No.

And what else have I got here? Oh, that's more or less the same. That's slightly scary. That's got a bit of an engine grown to it. here oh that's more or less the same oh that's that's slightly scary that's just like that's got a bit of an engine grown to it so there's there's an engine somewhere in there as well there's just stop talking there's you stop talking a second no that's ominous there's an alien somewhere no there's some sort of fire or furnace yeah yeah fire yeah there's something a little evil That's like whatever is beneath the streets

of New York, you know? Yeah. That in fact sounds like something from the world of Lord of the Rings. Frungle. Like maybe Uncle Frungle's sword factory is down there. That's one of the goblins. Probably that's what they listen to. What's a goblin? You mean a groblin?

No, haven't they got goblins in Lord of the Rings? No, no, they're called groblins. Oh, okay. Yeah. Yeah, that's what the goblins listen to to's a goblin you mean a groblin no they've got haven't they got goblins in no they're called groblins oh okay yeah yeah that's what the groblins listen to get to sleep and then you've got um other settings like jungle is a common one jungle sounds but you can customize this one oh great like more monkeys less monkeys so the parakeets you can add a bit more in there make it more exciting and then uh and then if you want some more elements to make it more authentic what i'm really looking for is a bit of forgiveness i don't get it what i'm really looking for is a bit of forgiveness it's didn't go down a challenge

time a bit of forgiveness the vault is closing soon Dollar Challenge time! A bit of forgiveness. The vault is closing soon, so get on the oven. How do you all say it? That's sort of it. That's your basic... Wow. But that would keep you awake, though, wouldn't it? You're a fan of that show. You'd be all excited.

Yeah, I would be excited. Yeah, you'd want to know what the next hilarious gag was. Did you watch that last series? No. You didn't watch Mancock? No. Absolutely not. Oh, God. last series no you didn't watch mancock no absolutely not oh yeah and then you've got um this is a setting that you can use if your partner is away so sometimes it can be if you share a bed with someone right and then they go off on business or whatever yes sometimes it's nice to be in bed

alone you can stretch out extra real estate nice and cool yeah yeah other times it's a little bit lonely and you can use the noise maker to simulate the sound of your loved one in bed and this is an actual simulation of what it's like at castle buckles it's an actual simulation it Yeah. I love actual simulations. I've only ever heard simulated simulations before. No, no, no. This is actual. Oh, good.

You've got the fan on. Is that the sound of your robot wife's cooling systems? You've heated her up a bit much, so her fans are a bit noisy. Her fans are running at full blast. And then you can add some other sounds to make it more authentic. Who's this? Is this your wife or you? Or does nobody know because it's in the no-man's land of under the duvet? The snoring is my wife. Everything else is coming from me. That's the full setting.

It does go. No wonder you've got the fans on. Sure. It goes a little bit higher but that's maximum setting there. And that's comforting. Wow. Maximum setting there. And that's comforting. Wow. I like to change the lyrics of songs from time to time. Lock the taskbar. To make them refer to things I do. Oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah.

I call it appropriation and as far as I'm aware It isn't a crime I wonder if it's something you do too Yes it is, yes it is, yes it is Why don't I dip into the Lord of the Rings cup? Pick one out. Okay, this is an appropriation. Hi, Buckles and Cornball.

Whenever we get Lebanese food, my wife and I like to sing Baba Ganoush. Baba Ganoush. Baba Ganoush. Baba Ganoush. Baba Ganoush. That makes absolute sense.

That message continues, doesn't it? It does. It says, similarly, while browsing in the history section of my local Waterstones recently, Kermit the Frog's rainbow connection popped into my head. Do you know how that song goes? Why are there so many songs about rainbow? Is it that one? Must be, because the message goes on to say,

Kermit the Frog's rainbow connection popped into my head but with the lyrics why are there so many books about hitler all the best will and ellie they're right though there there is an astounding amount of books he's one of the biggest monsters so there's so many facets to a monster like that yes you can write about the heart i don't know man you don't see that many books about Bigfoot. He's probably another big monster. A different kind of monster. He's a fun monster. That's true.

That's a good one. Well done. Very good. Thanks, Will and Ellie. Faber-Ganoush. Faber-Ganoush. You're listening to The Adam Buxton Podcast. Listen when you want

Unlike a radio podcast Listen on the train now On an aeroplane now Listen in a tractor Form of transport's not a factor Listen on the first date With another primate Listen when you're jogging

Straight to your noggin you're listening to the Adam Buxton podcast if you don't like it then marry you someday so listen have you ever thought that it's kind of strange that, seeing as our Adam and Joe XFM and Six Music podcast

were amongst the earliest podcasts out there to have a bit of a following, right? Have you ever thought that it's weird that I, Joe Cornish, have never done my own podcast? Like, you've got one, Louis's got one. He doesn't have one anymore. Doesn't he? It'll come back. I don't want it to come back. Don't you?

No, and I don't want you to have one. Well, do you mind if I use this Christmas Adam Buxton podcast to announce that I've done a seven-figure deal with Spotify? Is that going to really bring you down? A little bit, but fair enough. I'd rather you announced it here than somewhere else.

Would it be bad if I used your show to play the trailers? Can I play it? So just have a listen. I mean, it's going to be big. Hi, I'm Joe Cornish, and I've got a new podcast. And it's all about my true passion in life, my cat Smudge. In Joe Cornish's Smudgecast with Joe Cornish, I'll be talking to celebrities about my cat Smudge and about their cats.

In episode one, I'll be talking to James Bond actor Pierce Brosnan about his cat Tiddles. I don't know, I got a cat called Tiddles, but other people, I pay people to look after her most of the time. And what he thinks of my cat Smudge. I don't know about Smudge. Joe Cornish's Smudgecast with Joe Cornish. In future episodes, I'll be talking to Rita Ora,

Dame Judi Dench, and Stormzy about their cat's finnegan, humpty, and catatooey. And then he shat all over my bathtub. Joe Cornish's Smudgecast, with Joe Cornish. Catatooey.

That's the lead, that's the sort of tentpole podcast. Yeah. That sort of represents maybe a quarter of the seven-figure sum. Are you doing Catherine Ryan as well? If I can get hold of her.

Yeah. She's difficult to pin down. Because that's all the same guests that Louis had on his TV show. Really? I think he did Rita Ora, didn't he? He certainly did Stormzy and... What a coincidence. Dame Jujie Stench.

Really? Yeah. Wow. We're very similar, Louis and I. We go for the same people. They're all fascinating. Yes, they are, yeah. Especially Rita Ora.

And, um... I mean... I like Hawaii, too, do you think so? A couple of hours on that, on Rita. Anyway, that's the tentpole podcast. You didn't think of calling it Cat Chat? No, Smudgecast. Smudgecast.

Yeah, because Smudge is my cat. My cat's called Smudge. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And he's a very charismatic cat. Very handsome. When people in the street see him, they, complete strangers go, that's a beautiful cat.

Do they? They do. Children stop and pet him. He's a very beautiful, charismatic cat. Very intelligent. Yeah, yeah. Trailer 2 is very different. This is a very different, more serious podcast.

So let's have a listen to Trailer 2. All right, here we go. On June the 16th, 2018, in an average South London garden, a woman found a dead body, brutally mutilated, almost ripped in two. It was a horrific crime that the police ignored, whose victim is yet to be named and whose circumstances are still a mystery. From Joe Cornish, the creator of Smudgecast

with Joe Cornish comes a new true crime podcast Death of a Goldfinch with Joe Cornish. Was Smudge the murderer? Or had he just picked the body up? Was it Pushka from Over the Road? Or Patches?

Or Lord Ponsonby from Number 32? Join us for a 98-part investigation into one of the greatest unsolved bird murders of our times. Death of a Goldfinch with Joe Cornish. Featuring Smudge. Do you see how I'm saying my name a lot? Who produces your podcast trailers? The guys from Spotify.

It's part of the deal. How much are you getting again? Well, seven figures. Are you getting more than Rogan? I don't think... Not yet, no. Rogan gets a lot, but it's up there. Are your podcasts going to go... Are they going to play fast and loose with scientific fact and knowledge?

Is it going to get conspiratorial? No, you know, Smudgegust is celebrity cat chat. Death of a goldfinch is a serious investigation into true crime. So we're not, you know, this is a different thing, Adam. Is the death of a goldfinch investigation ongoing? No, it's been closed. But who knows what might happen? So it's possible that the case will be reopened.

It is very possible. Yeah, I'd say it's, yeah, I'd say it's been closed, but who knows what might happen. So it's possible that the case will be reopened. It is very possible. I'd say it's, yeah, I'd say it's. But, you know, your mistake was to get into the game too early. Was it? Yeah, because, you know, I've kept my light under a bushel. You have. And now someone's got it out. The good thing that you're doing is that you're focusing.

You've got more of a theme than i do mine's all over the place it's totally well listen those two are based around smudge yeah and obviously he's a very charismatic cat and he's got a lot of aspects to him but put smudge aside okay and they've i'm actually doing one of the reasons again that they're paying me so much is because i'm doing more than two podcasts holy moses there's actually another one. So listen to listen to, and these will, they'll sort of you know, alternate. I don't know quite how we're going to do them. But listen, have a listen to Trailer 3. It's very, very different.

The world has changed. Times have changed. But values are just different now. Things that were said and done in the past are just no longer acceptable. And it's up to us to hold history to account. From Joe Cornish, the creator of Smudgecast with Joe Cornish, and the award winning true crime podcast Death of a Goldfinch with Joe Cornish featuring Smudge comes a brand new social history podcast. I was watching TV with Smudge

and I started to notice these relentlessly negative portrayals of cats in the media. Snowbell in Stuart Little, Lucifer in Cinderella, Mr Biggles in Austin Powers, Mr Tinkles in Cats and Dogs all portrayed as evil. What is going on here? The answer is staring us in the face. Hollywood is institutionally cat-ist and something needs to be done. In 76 compelling episodes, Joe Cornish and Smudge investigate Hollywood's hidden history of anti-cat bias and speak truth to power. Hello, it's at Nintendo headquarters. I'd just like to know if it was appropriate to make Meowth the villain in Pokemon.

Mr. Smile, why did you think it appropriate to make Snowbella batty and stew a little? He's getting away. Get him, Smudge. An important, daring, defiant new podcast. Joe Cornish's You Be the Smudge, with Joe Cornish and Smudge. You be the Smudge.

It's so... So there's chat. Oh my god. There's true crime. I didn't realise... crime and there's politics i didn't have you down as an activist in that way well adam the world has changed and you know you've got to be switched on in that way definitely yeah i'm sorry if i'm freaking you out because i think you're realizing that there's a lot of angles you've missed in In some ways, you've become complacent and the world's moved on and I'm there to profit massively from just being very in touch. It's making me feel insecure.

Yeah, good. Because first Louis and his podcast and then the bloody TV version, even though I'd prefer him to just do the TV version. So his new shows are sort of TV versions of the podcast. Yeah. Are they? The podcast has spun out into the TV show.

I'm so sorry to add to your anxiety. It's a nightmare. This podcast that I'm doing has not spun out into a TV show. It should do. Well, it hasn't. And now you come along with Smudgecast. Yes. And Death of a Goldfinch.

And you be the Smudge. And now you be the Smudge, which is flipping the script on so much of our complacency around cat issues. I know. Well, listen, man, forget about the cat issues. So Smudge is a very charismatic cat and he is very much the fulcrum of the first three podcasts. But the fourth podcast is very different and very emotional. Oh, man. Are you ready to hear that one?

OK. Is it? Will I be triggered? You, well, you might cry. It's very emotional. Here we go. So this is the moment we've been waiting for. We're at the National Archives.

Let's find out the truth. Introducing a new, fascinating, emotional podcast about family, lineage, and the bonds that connect us all. Adopted at one, bounced from one care home to another. His background a total mystery. He's never known who he really is. From Joe Cornish, the creator of the smash hit podcast Joe Cornish's Smudgecast, featuring Joe Cornish. The award-winning true crime podcast Death of a Goldfinch with Joe Cornish featuring Smudge and the game-changing social history phenomenon You Be the Smudge with Joe Cornish and Smudge comes a brand new podcast. Okay, here we go.

Let's find out who you really are. Are you okay? Are you feeling okay? Are you ready? Well, we can be pretty sure that your father was a grey British short-haired tomcat called Mr Stinky Chops and your mother was a Siberian mixed long hair called Madam Fartuta.

Fartuta. It's actually pronounced Fartuta. Fartuta. Fartuta. So there we go. Thanks, man, for letting me premiere those on your podcast. I do feel bad. Yeah, that's okay. Because it's a bit mercenary.

It's like you're rubbing my face in it. Yeah. In a way, isn't it? Yeah, it is. But it's quite similar to another format, isn't it? What? Like, who do you think you are? Who do you think you are?

No, it's very different. Is it? Because it's cat-based. Oh, okay. I forgot. Cats are very... People love cats. Yeah.

Unless they've got a dog. How can they not with names like Miss Fartuta? Madam Fartuta. Madam Fartuta. Very emotional when Smudge... I mean, you should listen two very emotional when smudge i mean you should listen to that episode when smudge finds that out it's really it's very very hard not to not to cry do cats cry no that's why it's so hard no well no it's very very hard not that's very easy not to cry they sort of cry in the sense of like

i pitched me out but they can't shed tears i don't think i'm not sure but i really look you know i do very much respect you yes as a podcaster thanks and you you know, people often call you the father of podcasting. Do they? Do they? No. Well, I did. And so I would really love your honest opinion when the shows go out. Okay.

When do they start going out? Globally in the new year. Well, congratulations. Thanks, man. You don't have a cat because I'd love any cat you know to guest on. No, I don't have a cat. All right. Yeah, because I don't have a cat. Because I'd love any cat you know to guest on. No, I don't have a cat. Yeah, because I don't really do dogs. This is like an Ant and Dec link.

From I'm a Celebrity. Yes, is it? I wouldn't know. I worked out the formula. You worked out the formula for an Ant and Dec link? Yeah. If only we'd known this when we were doing the Adam and Joe show. I know. 38 years ago.

Yeah, we could have been in the jungle by now. Okay, in the jungle. Here's how a I'm a celebrity, get me out of here, Ant and Dec link works. So imagine that you've just seen a VT of a contestant. Maybe it's Angie Bangles. of a contestant maybe it's angie bangles and she is telling shocked campmates about the time that she was traumatized by a former boss who shouted at her right i used to work at this company where my boss just shouted at me so aggressively all the other campmates are going oh no that's terrible cut back to ant and deck looking serious. Ant says, so it turns out

that Angie Bangles was once shouted at by her boss. Dec says, that's sickening in this day and age, isn't it? And luckily we have a far more respectful relationship with our crew here in Australia, don't we? Ant and Dec look off camera at the crew who remain silent Dec shouting aggressively I said we don't have that kind of relationship with our crew do we? Ant Answer him or you're fired you worthless drones We hear the crew murmur Yes Dec

That's better It must be awful to work in that kind of toxic environment mustn't it? Aye terrible So and Dec looks threateningly off camera and shakes his fist at the crew. And then the crew laugh. Do you get what's going on? Yeah, it's kind of like they're doing the thing they said they shouldn't be doing without realising they're doing it.

Exactly. Yes. I'm a funny person. I often make up jokes. My jokes are more amusing than those of other folks. When you hear my joke, I think you'll find that you agree. Come on, you're all invited to a made-up joke party. All right, I'm going to go back into the Lord of the Golden...

Nuggets. Nuggets cup. Oh, look at that. Evil little man grumbling. Rungens. Rungens grumbling. OK, this is a made-up joke by Owen from South Devon. He says, hi, Adam and Joe.

Here are two jokes I've made up while listening to podcasts and hearing certain phrases. Joke number one i met a lady who was depressed because she couldn't find a nice patch of green grass she was looking for lawn nice that's quite good isn't it yes could have been made before for lawn quite easy to hear the word for lawn and think for lawn she was looking for lawn i think that might not be made up or it might be made up but something that other people have also made up she was looking for lawn putting that into the uh into the chuckle not getting any hits for she was looking for lawn it's looking good owen uh here this is a misheard lyric yeah hi captain corn balls and brigadier buxton nice i like it when it gets military my friend björgvin is from iceland and when he heard the theme tune to ghostbusters he thought they were saying who you gonna call those bastards

yeah well then i mean are they bastards, though? Well, Bill Murray's reputation's taken a bit of a pasting. Yeah. What's his face? Dan Aykroyd. He's a bit of a conspiracy booze hound. Harold Ramis has died. That doesn't necessarily make him a bastard. It's quite annoying, all the funeral arrangements and sadness.

Yeah. And what about Ernie Hudson? He's nice, isn't he? Yeah, but there's still three bastards. Who are you going to call? Those bastards! Thank you, Grant from Brighton. Grant says, if you can, can you say...

Well, he wants me to shout I love you to Annie and Jacob. I'm just going to say it, if that's OK. I don't want to wake anyone up in the house of corn balls. so listen you're a big Harry Styles fan, aren't you? Aren't you? I heard you talking about him on your podcast, his spitting incident, that thing. Oh, yes, yes. Yeah, and it's been a big year for him. He's had a very big selling album.

He really seized the zeitgeist this year. Yeah. But it started me thinking, you know, it's seven years since One Direction split up, right? Is it? Yeah, you were a big fan since One Direction split up, right? Is it? Yeah, you were a big fan of One Direction, weren't you? Yes. And they've all gone solo, haven't they? And it must be tough if you're in like a, what is it, a five piece?

Yeah. And you all go solo and then suddenly you've got to forge individual careers. Just, I mean, imagine if you, you adam buxton were the sixth member of one direction you know those five young shiny good-looking boys and a little hairy man on stage of the of the x factor or whatever it was yes and you become part of one of the top selling boy bands i'd love it ever you're a multi-millionaire you screamed at you tour the world yes suddenly you're rent asunder and you've got to figure out how to define yourself how to market yourself how to put yourself out there in competition with your five bandmates and you

know they've had they've had how many years did i say they've had seven years to to do that so imagine you were the sixth member of One Direction. You'd have a bunch of choices to make. First of all, you have to decide what music style you're going for, right? So Niall Horan goes for soft rock. Okay. Liam Payne goes for R&B, right? Harry Styles goes for glam rock.

He's sort of the new Bowie. You're a big Bowie fan. So it makes sense that you're now into harry styles right is harry styles really a glam rocker yeah a lot of bowie fans have just transferred directly over to styles sure um louis tomlinson went for brit pop zayn malik went for deep r&b uh-huh right not just sort of uh commercial justin timberlake style r&b like liam payne but like proper underground okay yeah what does adam buxton go for what style of music are you going drill and bass drill and bass drum and bass or drill drill and bass isn't there drill and bass

i don't know there might be drill. Drill and chill? Drill and chill. Chill drill. Chill drill. Now you've got to choose your image. Okay. So Niall Horan goes for Cuddly Boy Next Door. Yep. Liam Payne goes for Sexy Soul Man.

Harry Styles goes for androgynous glam clothes, right? Flares and flowery shirts. Love it. Makeup and earrings and... Pangea and... That shit, yeah. Yeah. Louis Tom and... Pangender. That shit, yeah. Yeah. Louis Tomlinson goes for...

That shit, yeah. Louis Tomlinson goes for a Britpop lad, right? Okay. Zippy tops and bowl haircut. Right, right. Sort of 90s... Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Zayn goes for sexy R&B, you know, tattoos. Sure. Never looks directly into the camera. Lots of neon tubes and moisture. What's Buxton going for? Oh, blimey. What's the right answer? There is no right answer.

You've just got to, you know. I'm going to go for... I mean, it's a tricky footing you've put yourself on. Well, look, what about this? Chill and drill. Yeah, I mean, you could dress as just like a road worker with a drill high viz that's a good idea a hard hat hard hat and high viz so what's your little you know flair well the high viz would be crazy colors yeah lippy oh okay something like that

well you have a little bit of something dyed Dyed beard? Dyed beard. Like a beard dyed fluorescent yellow. Like a wanker. Oh. It's not just wankers who get dyed beards, is it? Isn't it? Okay. All right. Now you've got to decide what your album's called.

Are you enjoying this? Yes. That's the research I had to do to put this together. Niall Horan. His albums are called Flicker and Heartbreak Weather. Yeah. Flicker and Heartbreak Weather. Heartbreak Weather.

What is that? Rain. Drizzle. Harry Styles. His first album's just called Harry Styles. It's eponymous. Nice. Yeah.

Classic. No messing around. Second album, what's it called? Fine Line. Third album's called harry's house you know that of course you do you're the biggest i mean you just you just basically transposed giving me so much info to harry yeah david bowie harry styles David Bowie, Harry Styles. Harry Bowie. Harry Bow. Harry Bow. That would be better. That would be a better stage name for you.

You change your name to Harry Bow and you're like a big jelly bear. Harry Bow is a great name. Harry Bow is a great name. And you do sort of 90s style candy pop. Yes. You know, like squidgy. Yep. Harry Bow.

Harry Bow. What's your album called what's harry bow's album called toot sweet toot sweet a bit like mary poppins yeah because toot has dangerous uh connotations yeah yeah drugs yeah drugs that's this is very very very good so now who are you going to date nile horan dates the actress hayley steinfeld. Oh, yes. Steinfeld? Seinfeld? Seinfeld. He dates Seinfeld. Jerry Seinfeld.

Jerry Seinfeld. They just talk about cancel culture all the time. And then drops her, goes for his account manager, Amelia Woolley. Harry Styles has lots of relationships. A relationship with Caroline Flack, Taylor Swift, the film director Oliver Wilde. Oliver Wilde? Jack Wilde Oliver Wilde. Oliver Wilde? Jack Wilde. Oliver Twist.

Olivia Wilde. Mark Lester. Olivia Wilde. Who are you going to date? Who's Harry Bow dating? Harry Bow has kid with Judy Finnegan. Yes. Sorry, that was strange.

That's chewy. That's a little bit of epiglottal lubrication. That's chewy, Finnegan. That's chewy. That was a little bit of epiglottal lubrication. That's chewy, Finnegan. That's strange. Well, yes, but I'm not trying to pretend that I'm younger than I am. So you have a child with Finnegan. Finnegan, then break up with her and then go out with Richard. Yes.

Yes. Because he, I don't know how he hasn't run for president or something anyway i mean that guy's gonna blow up what would it do to the book club well it would certainly throw a grenade into the heart of the book club and the heart of the publishing industry yeah but all publicity is good publicity exactly it could spin really nicely for me you're gonna make a video nile horan is just walking down the street singing and being nice to people boring liam payne pouting with sexy ladies and neon tubes harry styles he's a sexy merman or doing silly dancing in sparkly dungarees in the barbican what sir harry bogo going for well i guess it would just be very brightly coloured. A bit like, was she called Kiari Pamu Pamu?

No idea what those noises mean. She's Japanese. Okay, so sort of like ultra bright. Yeah, sort of mega. Yeah, just lots of sweets, candy coloured. Yeah, like that artist. What's he called? Murakami, whatever he's called.

I don't know. Yeah, that one. Does the funny rabbits. Exactly. That was always my dream as a child, to swim in a vat of sweets. Was it? Yep. Not like a big lake of sugary water?

No, no, no, no, no. Actual... Sort of like Scrooge McDuck with money, but with sweets. Yeah, like a ball pool with sweets. That's an achievable dream. Well, you know know i don't want to bring everyone down but i did send it into jim will fix it yeah um because i thought that it would be visually spectacular and that i would get free sweets yeah win win win win you could

still do it that's affordable like maybe for your 60, we'll all club together and do that for you. Yeah, like a vat of candy corn. Yeah, be one of those like garden pools, like a paddling pool. Yeah. Full of hundreds and... You know candy corn? Yeah, I know candy corn. I love it.

Yeah. Some of them would get up your anus though. Quite a lot would go up your anus and quite a lot would go in your nose and ears. When we get lodged at the end of the old urethra. Okay, so you've also got to have a hobby, like an extracurricular activity. Horan has golf. Payne

is an EDM producer. Styles, he does acting. Dunkirk, my policeman, don't worry, darling. Tomlinson plays football. Malik has written his autobiography Zane what's your extracurricular what's the interesting thing

that keeps people fascinated in Haribo well it's a bit high risk but I might go for free speech like

political yeah yeah yeah complaining about free speech issues like the guy from Mumford and Sons. Yes. Like you should be allowed to say anything.

Exactly. And anyone who's insulted is... Snowflake. Soft a snowflake. That's a good idea. You know, turn up on Tucker Carlson and do all that stuff. Wow. What do you think?

I don't know. No. But you've done it now. So there you go. There's no going back. Oh, damn it. This is going on forever, isn't it? Yes. Okay, you go there's no going back oh damn it this is going on forever isn't it yes okay you gotta do a fashion tie and this is the last thing fashion

tie and liam payne hugo boss harry styles gucci louis tomlinson his own clothing label zane malik versace buxton surely just a suit made of um jelly soft sweet jelly. Yes. Also there's the whole edibles angle. There is, yes. Edibles. Very good. Okay, so let's pop all that into the One Direction computer and see after seven years how much you would have made.

So, after seven years, Niall Horan is worth $65 million. Liam Payne, $70 million. Okay. By the way, these facts are from the internet. Yes. Harry Styles, $90 million. I'm surprised it's not more.

Way in the lead. Probably could be more. He's worth more. He's worth more to me. Yeah, yeah. Louis Tomlinson. I said yeah, yeah. Buxton is worth $150 million.

Wow, that's a lot. Is that finished now? We're halfway through the podcast. I think it's going really great. The conversation's flowing like it would between a geezer and his mate Alright mate, hello geezer, I'm pleased to see you There's so much chemistry, it's like a science lab of talking I'm interested in what you said Thank you

There's fun chat and there's deep chat, It's like Chris Evans is meeting Stephen Hawking. Did you hear about the woman that only plays the tambourine if you throw pillows at her? She plays percussion. Oh, that's very nice. That's good, isn't it? Adam Follett. Do you think that's made up? Yeah. She plays percussion. Adam Follett.

This is one from Nicholas Thompson. My wife got gum stuck in her book. It was chick lit. That's good. That's very good. Beautiful. Thanks, Nicholas, from Oklahoma, USA. Regular listener since 2008. He added one more podcast to the giant podcast bin

And you have plucked that podcast out and started listening He took his microphone and found some human funk Then he recorded all the noises while they spoke His name is Adam Buxton, he's a man He wants you to enjoy this, that's the plan Don't you ever sometimes Help out Buxton Hey, how you doing, podcats?

Just out here in the fields again with Rose. Rosie is over having a sniff at some grass patch. You all right there, Rose? Yes, there's a beautiful fragrance here in the grass. Yes, and you're going to celebrate the fact by cocking your leg over it, I see. Yes, that's right. I'm going to give the grass the gift of my new fragrance, Dogui by Rosie. Oh, lucky grass.

OK, come on, let's go. So that jingle you just heard, a special Bowie version of the Ramble Chat jingle, put together entirely by Tam Johnston. Thank you so much, Tam, if you're listening. I found myself really missing Bowie this year. A couple of times, you know what I mean? Like, you go through phases. It's like with my parents as well.

Especially at Christmas, I always think of them I mean I think of them all the time anyway but yeah a few times recently I really wish they were around Rosie stop chewing that come on what's up oh you're all tangled come on genius What's up? Oh, you're all tangled. Come on, genius. There we go.

Yeah. Hey, I'll tell you what, Rose, look. Now that we're out in the field, I'll let you off the lead as a Christmas treat, but will you promise not to just run off? Otherwise, Mum will kill us. There we go. Anyway, yes, I wanted to take this opportunity to say thanks to everyone else who sent stuff in this year.

And give a shout out to a few people whose messages made it to the Lord of the Rings Cup, but didn't get selected this time. I always feel bad that so many of you send stuff in and then when it comes down to it, we end up just reading out only a handful. For example, a made-up joke from Gareth Graham. This one is brilliantly tortured. I often attend live performances by an iconic octogenarian R&B singer, sometimes known as the Queen of Rock and Roll. She's simply the best. When getting ready for the gig, my friends often ask me if I'll be bringing the special device that I use to rotate my handheld free-read bellows instrument, the one that's a bit like a small accordion. My reply is always the same. Of course I'm bringing the Tina Turner

concert concertina Turner. The Tina Turner concert concertina Turner. He has a special device to rotate his concertina at Tina Turner concerts. It's the Tina Turner Concert, Concertina Turner. Thank you and Merry Christmas, Gareth Graham. Thanks, Gareth. There were lots of other really good ones that there isn't time to read out, but here are some shout-outs. I'll put some shout-out music underneath,

a bit like they do on the Horn Section podcast. Shout- out to all horn section and lovers of the horn section enjoyed their tv show this year shout out also to the following podcats wendy lapuente in california lydia brown's boyfriend she didn't actually say what his name is she just said could you give my boyfriend a shout out? Consider that done. Stephanie Jameson. James Williamson, who sent in an anecdote in which he claimed his wife, Catherine, had broken their Dyson vacuum cleaner, then reattached the trigger so that it fell off as soon as James used it in order to frame him for the damage. Catherine also sent a message in which she said, I know James will have sent a, quotes, hilarious anecdote accusing me of breaking the vacuum

cleaner. I did not break it. It's been four years. Let it go. Shout out to Mike and Sarah Abu-Hedjli. Shout out to Jens Hertzum. Right about now, the fox sold rubber. Shout out to Jens Hurtsom. Right about now, the fox sold rubber. Shout out to Beck Girlings. Lolo, Penny and Sophie from Putney. Very much enjoyed your lavatorial version of the Harry Potter franchise, entitled Bogwarts. Tom Baker. Definitely that one.

Christine Martin Van Wick. Luis Santos. Alistair Dixon. Thanks, Alistair. Alice from Dorset, who told me about coming home worse for wear one Christmas Eve and then weeing in her cat's litter tray. Michael Moore. Yeah, almost certainly that one.

Mike Emeny from Scunthorpe, but working and living in Thailand. Rowan Smith, who was on stage with George Clinton this year, pretending to play the trumpet. Rufus Dunningham. Lynn Freiberger. Elliot Willoughby. Ewan Stovall.

Annette Bennett. Rob Haynes. Dan from Wakey, Dee Montague. She once explained the rules of roller derby to Professor Stephen Hawking. Cheers, Dee. Emma Bond from Bristol for pointing out the existence of the Adam Buxton mantelpiece. Actually, a couple of people pointed that out. You can buy a mantelpiece which is called the Adam Buxton.

I don't know why. And finally, Joe says, Frankie, my daughter loves your jingles. And the I like to do a little dance jingle is her absolute favorite. I like that one, too, but it's a bit puerile, I think, sometimes to put in the podcast regularly. But hey, Christmas Eve, that's what it's a bit uh puerile i think sometimes to put in the podcast regularly but hey christmas eve that's what it's all about joe continues if by some mad chance you were to read this out a dedication to frankie would be the best christmas gift ever of course it would love and festive cheer to you and joe and rose the dog of course. Lots of love from Joe, J-O. OK, Frankie, here is your favourite jingle with a customised ending just for you.

Merry Christmas. I like to go outside and dance I like to take a little chance Eat a big meal before I leave the house and do a poo poo in my pants shake out the poo poo, shake out the poo poo, shake out the poo poo in my trouser leg pants shake out the poo poo, shake out the poo poo, shake out the poo poo in my pants running down the road, poo poo in my pants, running down the road, there's a poo poo in my pants

running down the road, got the poo poo inside my pants, running down the road, there's a poo poo in my pants poo poo in my box. Poo-poo in my box. Frankie Bolton, no poo in no box. Here's a message from Lorna Wood. Hi, Lorna. Hi, Adam and Joe. So as to attract the, quote, right kind of man, my dating profile began with, it's blinder data. After eight

months of attracting not so nice men, imagine my surprise to find a message in my match inbox that read, Laura Laura laughs at your bio. I didn't have time to respond straight away, so I waited a couple of days and replied with, Stephen! To which he replied with, Just coming! Whoa. After a glorious year of dating, we moved in together in September. Merry Christmas and thank you, Lorna and Rob.

Weirdly, that's a beautiful tribute to us, but equally a tribute to Cilla. Exactly. Isn't it? Because that's exactly the sort of thing Cilla would love. When you say Cilla, are you talking about Cilla, or are you talking about someone else? Someone else very important. Someone else

very central to the hearts of the nation who's recently passed. One of the people we lost this year. Well, she's in heaven. Yes, of course she is. And she meets someone there. Ah, so nice in heaven. Finally I can just relax and piss about a lullaby for me.

Hello, your majesty. Lara, who are you, innit? My name's Zavid. Who are you, innit? My name's Zavid. I know you, Chuck. It's a lully day for Bowie. All dressed up like a boggling king from Labyrinth, innit? What a lully packet. I mean, surprise. Oh, thank you very much, your majesty.

You just happened to catch me on Jareth Day. It's Ziggy tomorrow and then Screaming Lord Byron on Tuesday. I see you're still manipulating your lolly magic ball, innit? Yes. It's my special Goblin King multimedia crystal ball. It's got neural Bluetooth, 12G, fingerprint-resistant oleophobic coating, and it can stream the past, the future, a selection of alternate historical timelines, Disney+, Amazon Prime Video, Apple TV and Netflix. Oh, so, so nice of lollyiball Crystals, isn't it? What's the camera like?

5,000 megapixels and it automatically removes red eye. Not so good in low light, though. Oh, not a shame. So, last night I was Netflix and chilling with Freddie Mercury and we were watching the new Harry and Meghan documentary on Netflix. Have you seen it yet, Your Majesty? No, I haven't had time. I've been watching the new series of The Blood of Crown, though,

haven't I? Oh, it makes me so angry. Why? Because of all the historical inaccuracies? No, I don't bloody care about that. I want to know why they got sexy actors to be Charles and Diana's, but the woman they got for me queen is just normal bloody woman, isn't it?

They should go bloody Gal Gadot or Holly Willibies. She's jumped the queue to see my coffin. That's nice, isn't it, Chocolara? Sorry, I didn't really understand a lot of that. A little bit. So you're not worried about new revelations from Harry and Meghan Volumes 1 and 2? Oh, God, what is it this time? If you were a Harry and Meghan revelation, what kind of revelation were you, boy? Well, apparently, the media was manipulative.

Surprise, surprise. Also, Meghan felt it was a ludicrous degree of formality around the royal family. She especially disliked having to curtsy in front of you. Well, I'm sad that our Meghan felt it was demeaning to curtsy in front of me, but everyone's got bloody curtsy for a queen, innit? What else? Um, you're all racist. Oh, that's so hurtful.

I'm not a not a racist, Chuck, innit? No, of course not, Your Majesty. But you probably have some unconscious bias. Everyone does. No. No bloody lot of unconscious bias, innit? Unless you wanna unconsciously bias a champagne.

Laura Lollipop. What's that? What's that? What's that? Laura, Laura, Laura, Laura. What's that? What's that? What's that? What's that? What's that? Laura, Laura, Laura, Laura, Laura. What's that? What's that? Laura, Laura, Laura, our grave, a lullaby.

Where's Snake going away now? There's a lot to unpack there, as they say. That's quite amazing because Her Majesty isn't usually as comprehensible as that when she's appeared on this podcast before her passing. I think in Heaven... she was a lot more confused confused and sort of guttural and garbled yeah garbled yeah yeah yeah i think when you go to heaven your mind clears made her sound a lot more like a lot more i mean i was confused at first i thought it was scilla black i know it sounds sounds absurd, but I did. No, I understand.

And then I realised it was Her Majesty. Yeah. Well, I think Her Majesty's always sounded a bit like Cilla Black. And who's the other fellow? Gino De Campo? Is he the guy? Yes. The cook?

Yes. Yeah. I think that's who she's always sounded like yeah and now it's more clear heavens wow amazing it's so star-studded heaven isn't it it's full of stars it's full of stars yeah amazing and um how what how wonderful it is up there. Up there. Really wonderful. I forgot what I was going to say. No, it's okay. I was going to say something.

But yeah, what will happen when Bill and Holly get to heaven? Oh, mate. They'll probably jump the queue. This has been Adam and Joe, Christmas Podcast. We'll see you next year. Goodbye. Is that real melody? Have you seen my phone charger? I left it right there.

Did you see it? Have you got it? Where's my charger gone? Where's my phone charger? The battery's about to die. It was on the table. Round and round in their heads go the chord progressions, the empty lyrics and the impoverished form of the table. Round and round in their heads go the chord progressions,

the empty lyrics, and the impoverished fragments of tune. And boom goes the brain box at the start of every bar. At the start of every bar. Boom goes the brain box. Another dip into the golden cup. Let's see what's in there.

Made-up joke. Dear Adam and Jo, please find below my most highbrow made-up joke. I've started learning how to tell the difference between types of corvid, but I've been making a lot of rookie errors. Corvid is a type of bird. So that includes the Blackbird And the rook You see I totally went to Covid I thought she'd misspelt Covid

Such has been the trauma of the last few years I love you both very much from Claire Thanks Claire Thanks very much Claire Do you want to hear another sophisticated made up joke This one from Simon Dickey Where does John Nettles keep his French shepherds? Oh.

On a Berger rack. Brackets. Berger is French for super shepherd. Berger. That's as highbrow as it is hilarious. If anyone has made

this joke before, I'll eat my Santa hat wishing you all a very Merry Christmas Simon Dickey kiss. Holy Moses. That is... That is good. Is that too highbrow even? Another one Will from Southampton. Merry Christmas please adjudicate on my made-up joke that receives very mixed reviews. Quote what does a Yorkshireman say when he has dished up an ample sized portion of his favourite Italian grain. That's polenta.

That's polenta. What's that grain called? Polenta? Yeah, that's polenta. Say that in a Yorkshire voice. That's polenta. I think that's good, isn't it? That is quite good.

I just didn't say it well. It took Buckles to say it properly. I like saying it. That is a sophisticated joke. Hey, here's an egg corn. We haven't had too many egg corns. We haven't had any. This is from Lynn Fry.

And Lynn says, Dear Adam and Joe, here's a sort of Christmassy egg corn. Until well within my teens, I thought it was called an ice float rather than an ice flow. My reasoning was that an ice float floats on the water.

Merry Christmas to you and the listeners. Excellent. That's understandable confusion. This is from Megan Barnes. Oh. Hello from Vancouver. Wow. I want to go to Vancouver.

Have you ever been? I don't think that I have. I'd love to go to Vancouver. Why? What do you think is in Vancouver? I just think I love Canadians. Yeah. I've been to Toronto. Have? What do you think is in Vancouver? I just think I love Canadians. Yeah. I've been to Toronto.

Have you? Yeah. What's that like? Extraordinary. Oh, man. Buildings and shops and cars and Canadians. It's brilliant. If anyone from Canadia Airlines is listening,

fix us up with some first class tickets to Canadia. Where would you go? You'd go to Vancouver? All over the area. All over the place. Vancouver's supposed to be the best one, though, isn't it? I'm surprised you haven't been to Canada as a kid on one of your dad's jaunts. No, we never got there.

Really? Don't think so. I'd like to go and see the, you know, moose. Yes, and the Mounties. The Mountie Moose. Do they ride mooses? Yeah, yeah. Is the plural of moose, mooses?

Mice, I think. Mice. And then they ride mice so megan barnes lives there in vancouver and says when my niece now age 20 was young she enjoyed watching mary poppins which she referred to as nanny pop we sat down one christmas afternoon to watch the sound of music and she was thrilled to discover there was a nanny pop too same woman same woman yeah not exactly an egg corn however we still refer to movies by their alternative names all best megan and that made me think like yeah we used to sort of do that didn't we back in the day well you used to call it like Crocodile Dundee 2 was... Do you not remember?

No. Come on, mate. No. Croc a shit, dung heap poo. Did I say that? Yeah. Wow, no wonder you wanted to be my friend. I thought that was highly amusing.

I was thinking about how a child surely would be disappointed by the sound of music. Like, where's the magic? Where's Mary Poppins? Like, she's... She's there. Yeah, but she ain't doing any magic anymore. She's making dresses out of curtains. She's singing. Yeah, but she ain't doing any magic anymore. She's making dresses out of curtains.

She's doing magical singing. She's not making stuff float or little birds singing on her hand. She's making your heart float. What more do you want, mate? I showed my daughter Mary Poppins. It's an endurance test for about 25 minutes. How old is your daughter now? Three and a half. That's quite young

for Poppins. She loves movies. Does she? She does, yeah. Sorrow and the Pity. Chip off the old block. Yeah. She loves Sorrow and the Pity. No, seriously, what does she love?

Well, she watched Peter Pan all the way through the cartoon. Loves reading the story and she likes My Neighbor Totoro. Oh, yeah. We went to see that at the Barbican. That was amazing, the stage production of that. Good one. In fact, I'm going to see that at the Barbican. That was amazing, the stage production of that. Good one. In fact, I'm going again tomorrow with Edgar a second time. Yeah. What else does she like? She loves all the Disney

movies. You know, she loves Tangled, Little Mermaid, Cinderella. She loves it all. Hey, speaking of exciting theatrical highlights this year, Abba Voyage. Did you see that? Oh! yeah eka said that was amazing took my daughter for her birthday did you what a great idea i wasn't sure it was going to absolutely

work because i got the tickets thinking that she was an abba fan and then when i revealed what i had got her i was like you love abba right? Because her response was muted. Yes. And she's like, yeah, they're okay. I was like, oh, damn it. I thought you absolutely loved ABBA. Anyway, we go along, me, my wife, my daughter, my brother, Uncle Dave. And I thought, also, I thought I'd got, like, the best seats in the house. No, I hadn't got the best seats in the house. How much did you pay for them, for the tickets?

How much did you pay for the tickets? A lot, man. How much? Tell me how much. About a hundred each. Each? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Loads. Cheap seats. Anyway, it was unbelievably great. Really? Are they ginormous?

Or are they life-size? They're life-size. It's really confusing. Why don't they make them ginormous? Well, because they are occasionally ginormous. No, I know what you mean. Because one of the problems of having bad tickets at a concert is the people on stage are very small. Sure. And if they're not real, if they're holograms, you could mitigate against that by making them enormous. There's multiple screens.

So there's loads of shots where they're zoomed in and huge. But it's not just the screens. It's very clever. No, I don't care about the screens. I want to be looking at something three-dimensional with my eyes isn't that the thing yeah well it's it's confusing i came out of it swearing that there were human avatars on stage right everyone was looking at me pityingly like no that's not you are back you're very technologically i'm quite easily fooled the thing is as well that they film it so brilliantly that it really looks as if the parallax changes when you go down the steps and it doesn't it's

just brilliantly done and I kept on saying parallax to my wife and and she started saying I'll stop saying parallax with you you're so pleased that you know that word. Biscuits. I am in love with you. I'll dip you in my tea. But pull you out before you fall apart. I won't abandon you. Biscuits, biscuits. Mice. So I so i like your podcast man i really enjoy it but thanks sometimes i feel um you know what am i to you now i'm just like like your old comedy

partner yeah and whenever i come on it i'm just expected to like be the funny guy right that's the idea and everybody else who comes in your podcast you take them seriously and you interview them about their careers oh yeah okay i've had a career right i've done quite a lot of interesting stuff uh since we stopped our like radio show yes and i just sometimes feel why can't you give me that level of respect that you give your other guests and interview me properly? Fair enough. I mean, there are reasons, but yeah, fair enough. Well, I thought he's never going to do it.

So I'm going to have to make it myself. Oh. So I've made you interviewing me out of your podcast. Oh, okay. You ready for it? Yes. This is what I need, you interviewing me Oh god Out of your podcast Oh okay You ready for it? Yes This is what I need you see And you know

And this is a simulation of what might happen if that happened And As it would in real life It went pear shaped Alright here we go My best friend Joe Cornish Thank you so much for doing this. Pleasure, man. I'm a big fan of your podcast. Cool, thanks, man.

It's great to be interviewed by you, you know, properly. I've wanted to sit down and have a good podcast chat with you for a long time. When did I first meet you? Well, we met at school, didn't we? Right. Whoa. Yeah, long time ago. Yes.

You've always been very busy and you've kept working consistently as long as I've known you, as far as I'm aware. Yeah, I suppose that's true. You've made your mark bigger and better than most of us ever will. Do you think so? Nice of you to say. Everything seems to have unfolded so sort of naturally and successfully. What did that feel like? Really nice.

Yeah, it felt really nice. Are there things, though, that you do regret? Well, you know, I'm sure you'd agree it's very hard to bring the idea in your head into reality entirely as you intended. Like my first film, Attack the Block. Have you seen that film? Yes.

I enjoyed it so much, I thought it was great. There's monsters. It is a rollicking adventure with crazy creatures with big teeth in dark corridors. It's got it all. Oh, thanks, man. It's so difficult to get those kinds of projects off the ground. You know, I was so impressed that like fucking hell, man, you did it.

You got it together. And I couldn't help feeling as well like, wow, good on you. Oh, man, thank you so much. What do you do with films? How do you mean, what do I do with films? Did you have much to do with the way that that film came together? Are you talking about Attack the Block or The Kid Who Would Be

King? Did you see that one? Yeah, that was just so you know, I hated that. Oh, that's quite rude. But it was good and absorbing. Well, you could have been a bit more tactful. I certainly wasn't setting out to hurt anybody's feelings, but evidently I did. I'm very sorry and I didn't realise and i hope you

can forgive me of course you know that film was aimed at a younger audience than you but maybe you'll enjoy my new uh netflix show lockwood and co that starts on january the 27th it's a kind of supernatural action adventure fuck off i'm sorry screw you i'm not into this i just thought i'd mention it you were the one who wanted to do like a proper respectful interview You can't talk to me like that anymore We need to re-establish a few rules for this relationship Are you alright man? I find it very easy to take it personally

And get really quite irritated I think you should just take a deep breath Okay Hey welcome back Podcast Exciting to hear that voice Thank you so much Joe Cornish

For meeting me If you're listening joe cornish for meeting me if you're listening to this joe thanks for helping me arrange the meeting really appreciate it that's what it would be like wow oh my god i'm such a bellend i chose your most fawning like i just did that today I chose your most fawning interviews. Torval and Dean. Torval and Dean, yes, I was on full form. Daisy Haggard. Yeah. It's mostly Torval and Dean and Daisy Haggard with a bit of both Eno's, I think I downloaded,

but the acoustics were bad on Eno. Yes. I got a plug in there as well. You got a plug in. It was beautifully done. Awkward and Co. Yeah. January the 27th.

January 27th. ATM, Netflix. for my show Lockwood and Co yep January the 27th January 27th 8am Netflix are they they appear one by one per week no they just splotch them all on there

they splotch them all on yeah so you can watch the whole blooming run oh well that's good something to look forward to in January yeah

see I'm being more positive about it than I was in last year's Christmas podcast yes thank you and I was doing some poo-poo.

Poo-poo. I just bumped into you at the supermarket. I was backing out of a parking space. And I hit your car. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to. But you're angry now. Very angry now.

And that's making me very angry too. No, fuck you. And your mother too. This is an email from James Landon, who says, Hi Adam and Jo, I have been meaning to contact you for a while to let you know this simple tale. I was a huge fan of the Adam and Jo show back in my formative years, and I have since grown up to be a physics teacher. I've been working for 13 years, and in each of those, I have taught between 60 and 100 year 11 students for a total of roughly 1,000 students. To every one of those, I have made

sure to play the Roscoe song in lessons as I consider the chorus to be perhaps the best possible way to help them remember the key equation, which is speed equals distance divided by time or distance over time. I particularly like to imagine, and I know this did actually happen several times, those students sat in their GCSE exams singing under their breath while picturing you riding each other like horses, smiling, then getting the answers right. I hope that is of interest to you. If not for Christmas, then for your lives in general. Thanks, James Landon.

He's talking about the weird video we made for this, for the Adam and Jo show, many years ago, where we rode each other like horses. I think so. It's not just a kinky flight of fantasy. Yeah, that's right. What was it? Was it series two or series three? 1998, I think it was.

You know, I don't think anybody knows or cares. But it was in there somewhere. But that's great, isn't it? I mean, this is a song that was basically written by our friend Zach when we were probably about 15 or when he was about 15. Yeah. And it gradually just evolved during during um drunken evenings and then when we were desperate for material to put in the adam and joe show we uh mortalized it i

hesitate to say immortalized so i said mortalized it yeah this is zach sandler who collaborated with us on a number of songs he was the he was the sid barrett of the musical unit. And I think when we came round... I don't know what that means. Well, Sid Barrett was like the genius in Pink Floyd. OK. So there you go. But you made a special version of it. You wrote to me and said you wanted me to sing it again.

Well, I thought it would be nice to have a bit of music in this podcast. And I thought maybe for James Landon and his students, we could do a reboot of Roscoe. A reboot? 2022 Roscoe reboot. A bit like the time they redid Do They Know It's Christmas? Did they reboot Do They Know It's Christmas? They did, several times.

Coldplay did it, didn't they? Wow. And there was one in the 90s. Every few Christmases. Coldplay did it and they sang all the Wow. And there was one in the 90s. Every few Christmases. Coldplay did it and they sang all the words themselves. They didn't hand it out to others. Yeah, they changed some of the less, you know, considerate lyrics. Tonight, thank God it's them instead of you.

That sort of thing, yeah. We haven't changed any of the lyrics to Roscoe H. Belger because they're less sensitive. Yeah. It's quite a strange song, though, in terms... It's not. It's not a strange song. Oh, I didn't realise. No, it's a very normal song. It is a normal song. It's a normal country and western hoedown

based on mathematic principles. Right, okay. Because it doesn't... It's very condescending of you to think that hayseed midwestern farmers aren't interested in basic mathematical principles. That's not the odd bit as far as i'm concerned the odd bit is that it's not exactly a serious song nor is it exactly a

comedy song it's not a christmas song it basically has one tune and every verse and chorus is the same well i think you're successfully seeding the ground for your own album release next year that you're just soft preparing the audience for songs that well it's not funny it's not that serious it's just a chorus over a verse over and over again uh here's my album bye get ready pets sounds too by a That's, I think, fair at this point. But you've had some help with this, haven't you? I have had some help. You've produced this to make it sound very polished.

Yeah. Now this, I've got to thank, well, I've got to thank a few people. My son, Frank Buxton, he helped me out with an early demo version. Wow. I heard that. That was very good. Some of his beats buried under the mix here. That's what I sung along to.

Yeah. But thank you most of all to Pete Robertson, who helped out with this and corralled his talented musical friend Luke Potachnik on guitar, and Nick Peeney, who plays bass on this. Oh, well, they're beautiful. The noises they make are beautiful. OK, well, here we go with Roscoe, 2022.

My name is Roscoe. That's Roscoe H. Spellgood. I like to go a long way in a short time. That's why I increase my velocity when possible. Because speed equals distance over time. Well Well I pulled up by a railroad track, oh I never seen such a daybreak. The sun was bursting high over the land. I could hardly see the sky, 40 years in my eyes, oh I knew I'd never see my home again. I knew I'd never see my home again. My name is Roscoe. That's Roscoe.

We spell good. I like to go a long way in a short time. That's why I increase my velocity when possible. Because speed equals distance over time. Can you hear the pounding of my heart? Well, it cuts me like a combine.vester, we're holding on untied Well, the season's come and gone First springtime in the snow

Oh, my, me, my, maybe one day you'll be mine My name is Roscoe That's Roscoe, which spells good I like to go a long way in a short time. That's why I increase my velocity when possible, cause speed equals distance over time. There's a theory that I use, as I hitchhike down the highway, to calculate how far you are from me. I hitchhiked down the highway To calculate how far you are from me It concerns hypotenuse

Cause I'm a man who sings the blues Guess it all comes down to relativity Oh, my name is Roscoe That's Roscoe H. Bellwood I like to go a long way in a short time? That's why I increase my velocity where possible, because speed equals distance over time. I said that speed equals distance, speed equals distance,

speed equals distance over time. Oh. Hey, welcome back, podcats. That was a specially recorded version of the classic mathematical hoedown, Roscoe, by the brilliant Zach Zandler, with additional lyrics by Adam Buxton and Joe Cornish, performed by Adam and Joe. Thanks once again to Frank, my son, my nepo baby,

for helping put that together. Thanks once again to Luke Potachnik, Nick Peeney, and especially super producer Pete Robertson for helping me pull all that together in time for Christmas. Okay, time now for one more slice of festive pudding, which also doubles as a small celebration of the 200th episode of this podcast. So many people to thank. I'll thank some of them at the end. many people to thank. I'll thank some of them at the end. But right now, before this chunk,

is another appeal to those of you who are in a position to join me in donating to an organisation I'm proud to support. The Elon Musk Retirement Fund. This is great stuff. I'm talking, of fact about msf medsans sans frontier or doctors without borders they are a non-governmental organization that provides emergency medical care in more than 70 countries for people who would otherwise go without. MSF works on the front line of conflicts. Syria, Yemen, South Sudan, Ukraine. Wherever people are feeling the effects of war and conflict and natural disasters and disease outbreaks, you will find MSF volunteers there helping.

MSF relies on private donations from individuals, doesn't take money from governments. So please, if you are able to, visit msf.org.uk and donate whatever you can to support their work. There's a link in the description to MSF. Thanks very much. Okay, on to our final waffle helping. And this was recorded a couple of nights ago at the house of our old friends, Mark and Zivi. Thanks so much to them for their friendship, hospitality, encouragement, and patience over the years. So joined by a special guest for the 200th episode. Here we go. Introduce yourself.

Louis Theroux. Is Joe in here for this? Yeah, Joe is in here for this. I thought my contract said I got one-on-one time. I feel very good because I've done my homework. I feel very good because I've done my homework. I've done my annual set of bits for the Adam Buxton, the Adam and Joe Christmas podcast. It's not even the Adam Buxton podcast now. It's the Adam and Joe Christmas podcast.

Once a year. Rebranded. No, it's the Adam Buxton podcast featuring Adam and Joe. Because I'm entirely off the hook. And you're very much on the hook. You are off the hook. I've never seen anybody more on the hook and you're very much you're very much on the hook you are off the hook never seen anybody more on the hook than you i don't even know the hook is coming out of you at the center of your chest i got an email saying there is some promise to do a bowie song i which i don't remember the reason that you're here lou is because I got in a state about this being not only the Christmas episode, but also episode 200.

And back when we recorded episode 100, the three of us, me, Joe and yourself, we were talking about an unearthed Bowie demo. And I had set you both the task of imagining what that demo might sound like. And it was called Goodbye 3D Joe. Well, that was one of the songs on the unreleased Bowie, that rarities thing. And then I did a song called, yeah, Goodbye 3D Joe, based on the misconception that he was sad about the demise of 3D films, which now, of course, this year have strung right back into prominence with the release of James Cameron's magnificent avatar, The Way of Water. That was a good song that Joe did. It was, yes, it was.

I remember that better than the Bowie song. Yeah, it was really good, and you were supposed to do one too. So I failed to do my homework then and now. This is like a reckoning. And at the end of podcast number 100, I think the very last thing that you said was, I'll do a Bowie song for episode 200. I actually said that.

This is like that bit in Superman where all the big faces put Zod on trial. It is. And Ursa and Non. I'm going to be imprisoned in a spinning mirror going through space. Or you could just do some Bowie rapping. So here's what I've got for you. I'd go for the spinning prison. I would prefer to be hurtling through infinite space if possible.

What's it called? The Phantom Zone. Yeah. So, Louis, I thought that maybe a kind of Christmas Bowie rap thing might work. Right, because I'm so famous for my rapping. This has been the year of Louis Theroux rapping and having a ludicrous degree of success. Did I hear your rap on an advert the other day on YouTube? No comment.

Have you sold it to, is it an Amazon advert or a bank advert or something like that? I don't really know if that's definitely the case. Listen, Adam and I have never. Have we never sold out? Sold out. Except for that Virgin ad that we did. Or the Surf advert. And the Surf advert that we did.

What was the tagline for the surf advert was there a reason it was on brand for you guys because surf is a washing powder right yeah yeah the hook was that we were pranksters those two pranksters from tv and so we would turn up and we would do pranks with people like lawrence luellen bowen in order to set them up for having their clothes washed with surf. So we got Lawrence Llewellyn Bowen when we dragged him around a barn with horses and he got filthy. Of course you did. Because he's a dandy.

Right, and you're pranksters. And we're pranksters. So we got his dandyish clothes all filthy using horses and then they were cleaned by surf. I feel like we could talk about this for a bit but it might be delaying the derail. Point being you're now a widely known rapper

and Adam's asked you to do a Bowie rap. It was the 8th most streamed sound on TikTok this year. That's amazing. It was above About Damn Time by Lizzo. Okay, so

you're a big rapper. Yes, I am. My money don't jiggle jiggle. Yes, I am. You didn't even write that rap though, did you? I co-wrote it. Co-wrote it. But I didn't write the good bits. I didn't write the bits that actually made it any good. You co-wrote it with who? Reese and Bigelow two Jackson, Mississippi

rappers. Did Bowie ever do any rapping? Yes, he did. Going from one musical genius to another? Yeah, he rapped with Mickey Rourke. Did he? In a song called Shining Star, Making My Love on his album Never Let Me Down. Good knowledge. Do you remember what the rapping sounded like?

Yes, I do. Was Mickey Rourke rapping as well? Yeah, it was great. I think you should do your David Bowie voice as well at this point. I think I'm doing it right now. Yes. Does it sound a bit like this? Oh, no.

So you sent Louis a backing track, right? Yes. So I sent Louis a backing track, and this is our friend Danny, who played some piano, and I've written some lyrics. So you have the option either to just sort of sing over it. I'd like to freestyle. Oh, yeah, OK.

And then because I thought if I write lyrics, sometimes it ends up sounding more cringe. Because you're like, oh, this is the best I can do. Whereas if I freestyle, I feel like it's more of a high wire act, which will give it some entertainment value. Alright, that sounds good. But the theme is, it's just Bowie... Bowie at Christmas. At Christmas. Yeah. Christmas.

I don't think I'm going to do the voice. You've got to do the voice. You've got to do the voice. Bowie, Bowie. I don't even have the... Bowie is very, you know, little drummer boy. He's very much part of the fabric of Christmas. Louie's got the cans on. I've got the backing track ready to go.

This is take one. One, two, one, two. One, two, three, four. Chestnuts roasting on the open fire. I get you higher and higher at Grismas. Having fun with the drummer boy. It's no drama boy Come round here, I'll smack you up

With some Christmas tinsel Chris Kringle I got reps galore I got more I'm gonna bit Henry Cooper This is a woos a woos a bowie Don't know me? Ask your mate son, ask your mum hun

I got reps galore I got raps galore I got more Come round the fire Let's get higher Wooza wooza It's so fun With Kris Kringle Coming down the chimney

There's some tinsel Can't hear me? You will soon It's a lot of fun Round my place Do I just keep going Until it stops? Who is this now? Keep going Ooh, there's a lot of fun around my place. Do I just keep going until it stops? Who is this now?

Keep going. Ooh, there's a space oddity. Get on top of me. At Christmas, we can have fun rubbing around. There's a noise I make at Christmas. Chestnuts on the open fire. My nuts on your fire. I'm not being rude.

It's crude. Don't you know what to do? It's Christmas. Have some turkey with a Japanese lady. Coming round with Bowie is a very Bowie, Bowie, Bowie Christmas. Happy Christmas. Now I'm in a nice mood. Having fun. I don't sound like Bowie anymore. Now I do. I come from Brixton. Don't you know, son? I'm from Brixton or Croydon. But now I live in New York, no I don't I used to before I died, it's Christmas Be happy, be happy

I'm somewhere up there having nice time With Ziggy and my friends I'm a thin white duke at Christmas Sometimes it gets sad at Christmas If you're lonely Oh that's the end of the song Wow What a ride What a ride If you're lonely, oh, that's the end of this song. Wow.

What a ride. What a ride. It's like being on a bucking bronco. You get thrown off and then you climb back on. That was good, Matt. I mean, it was more like just talking than rapping. Was it? Yeah. I think that's what David would want, though, in a way.

Yes, mix it up a little bit. Yeah. Don't conform too much to the whole slavish, rhythmical... Exactly. I think it was good not having anything written. It felt like what I hoped would happen did happen, which was that... You went to somewhere special.

Just my subconscious was coming up with random things. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. It's sort of... There's no net. It's acrobatics with no net, isn't it? And actually that novelty rap thing where someone's written a rap

and it's sort of like something you might hear on Radio 4. Do you know what I mean? And you think, okay, good. You wrote a little novelty rap. Great. But when you are winging it and there's the embarrassment of failing, it takes it to a real place

well i think that it really is it now for christmas podcast episode number 200 what did you think of the rap for his career i thought it was good that you got right the way through it i would never have been able to i would have was it better or worse you know when you used it of being talking and not rapping there was that that. That's harsh. When you talk about... What's the difference? Well, just sort of... I'm randomly talking now. I was talking over to a beat. You happened to be talking over a beat.

It wasn't just me talking with a beat in the background. I was riding the beat. Because I did write some Radio 4 style lyrics. Do your fucking lyrics, man. No, no, no. I'll just quote some of them to you. Because I wrote them on the train. I was thinking, fucking hell, I'm on fire.

Maybe not that bit. It was all like Bowie lyrics and references. Don't fake it baby Jesus. Lay the mistletoe on me. Halloween Jack is a real cool cat, but Xander is the guy we need. I mean, I'm not getting anything from the room here,

so I'm glad that Louis just did his version. Yours was quite sexual, Louis. Which bit? A lot of it. I felt when you were struggling, you came back to something a little bit sexy. Which was what? The Japanese lady roasting nuts on the fire.

At one stage, he was just rubbing himself randomly against things. Santa rubbing. It's a bit of Christmas frottage from Bowie. You know, my voice was not at its best either, because I've got a mild case of tinsulitis. Nice. Nice. Look at the smug satisfaction on his face. Joe's angry. He's angry that I had a joke.

I'm so provoked by the quality of that pun. Say goodbye and happy Christmas. Goodbye. Happy Christmas. Wait. This is an advert for Squarespace. Every time I visit your website, I see success. Yes, success. The way that you look at the world makes the world want to say yes. It looks very professional.

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Yes, there is! Hey, welcome back, podcats. That was Louis Theroux there joining myself and Joe a couple of nights ago as I speak for some improvised Bowie rapping fun. And thanks once again to my friend Dan Richards, who I don't think listens to this podcast. He's not really a podcast guy, but thank you to him for his piano playing on there and Bowie Nuts will have recognized the reference if you are a Bowie fan I'd check out that Bowie box set Divine Symmetry lots of golden nuggets demos oddities from around the hunky-dory era, late 60s, early 70s. Oh, it's brilliant. So much interesting stuff.

Anyway, thanks to Louis. Thanks most especially, though, to Joe for all his hard work on this episode. Don't forget that Lockwood & Co., the show that Joe's been working on, starts on Netflix on the 27th of January, 2023. There's a link to the show page in the description. It's about a girl with psychic abilities who joins two teen boys at a ghost-hunting agency called Lockwood & Co

to fight the deadly spirits plaguing London. Who are you going to call? Those bastards. Thank you, Rosie. Right, well, we're going to head home now. I've got to edit this and get it ready for you so that it is there as Christmas morning breaks. And speaking of breaks, I'll be taking a break for much of next year

to work on another amazing book slash audio book, similar to Ramble Book, but with different tales. And of course, I'll be working on some classic music who knows maybe that'll see the light of day in 2023 but I'll be popping up doing the odd live show here and there so come along if you're able to a few of the dates I know I'm doing. Well, I think these are confirmed. They may not be on sale, all of them yet. I'll be hosting a fundraiser. I'll be hosting a fundraiser for the people of Ukraine on the 28th of January at the Leicester Square Theatre. Some big names on that bill. I think I'm going to be emceeing. Yeah, that's a good one. I'm not sure

that's on sale yet, but keep your eyes open. As soon as the tickets are on sale, I will post it on my website, adam-buxton.co.uk. There's a link in the description. So yes, Ukraine fundraiser, 28th of January. I'll be doing a Best of Bug show at the Just for Laughs Festival in London at the O2 Indigo venue on Thursday, March the 2nd at 7pm, 2023. So yeah, Best of Bug, me showing some

recent or semi-recent music videos and clowning around in between. I will be doing the Bug Bowie special at the Blue Dot Festival next year. I think, again, that hasn't been confirmed 100% yet. And that's, I think, all I know about for the time being. Otherwise, I'm going to be keeping my head down. Podcast clips will continue to keep dropping on my YouTube channel. If you're missing the podcast and want to consume it in another form. A few more thanks before I say goodbye. Thanks again to everyone who sent in messages. I really appreciate it. It was lovely to read them all.

And thank you for all your support and encouragement. Thanks again to Pete Robertson. Thanks to Harry and Cal from the band Hooten Tennis Club who did the Adam Buxton podcast jingle with the Taffin outro. Thanks to Dan Hawkins for his bass playing on some of the jingles. Dan is an incredible professional bass player who's played with all kinds of people,

including Martha and the Vandellas. Anyway, you can get Dan to play on some of your tracks. He can do it remotely and send you the audio files. That's the way that I do it with Dan. Check out his website, danhawkinsbass, all one word, dot com. Link in the description. Thanks to all the people who helped me work on this podcast becca briers ben tullo becca tushinsky emma caucham matt lamont annika myson

and most of all seamus murphy mitchell without whom i'd be lost thank you seamus thanks to helen green she does the artwork for the podcast. Thanks to Gear 4 Music. I'm not actually sponsored by Gear 4 Music, but they help me out frequently and are so efficient and incredible. It's a website where you can go and order anything music-related, musical instruments

and bits of tech and cables. And they have helped me out so many times getting microphones to people if I'm recording remotely and it turns out they don't have a decent mic and they are so fast and efficient delivering stuff that they have saved my bacon on countless occasions. Thank you. Thanks to Little Dot. They're the company that keep the podcast clips coming on my YouTube channel. Thanks to everyone there.

Thanks to everyone at ACAST for all they do to help keep the show on the road. Thanks very much to Rosie, the best dog friend anyone could have. But thanks most of all to you for listening to this, for making me feel I'm not totally wasting my time. Let's have a festive hug. Come here. All right, dog. Shall we head back? All right.

Hope you have a good one. And I wish you all the best for 2023. Look forward to being back with you before too long. Till then, explore the archive. There's lots of delightful episodes hidden away there. All right. Oh, I love you. Bye! Like and subscribe Please like and subscribe Give me like a smile and a thumbs up Nice like a pat when my bum's up

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