THE ADAM BUXTON PODCAST - EP.42 - BRIDGET CHRISTIE & STEVE MASON

Episode Date: May 4, 2017

Adam talks to writer, actor and comedian Bridget Christie with music from Steve Mason. Recorded live at The End Of The Road Festival in September 2016. Music and jingles by Adam Buxton. Thanks to Seamus Murphy Mitchell for production support, Matt Lamont for convo editing and to Acast for hosting this podcast. Download their app and check out their many other excellent shows. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

I added one more podcast to the giant podcast bin. Now you have plucked that podcast out and started listening. I took my microphone and found some human folk. Then I recorded all the noises while we spoke. My name is Adam Buxton. I'm a man. I want you to enjoy this, that's the plan. Hey, how you doing, podcats? Adam Buxton here. Thank you very much indeed for joining me for another podcast. Let's just take a listen, shall we, to the sounds of nature out here on a path in the countryside of East Anglia.

Rosie is up ahead sniffing around in a ploughed field, seeing if she can discover gold buried long ago by the people that walked these lands the pilgrims the vikings and the hoodies okay let me tell you about this week's podcast it's number 42 which features a conversation with writer, actor and comedian Bridget Christie. Bridget has appeared numerous times on television. That's the big new thing, isn't it? It's like a window that shows you people and places from all different parts of the world, but mainly America. Bridget has written and performed 11 Edinburgh Festival shows over the world, but mainly America. Bridget has written and performed 11 Edinburgh Festival

shows over the years. Holy Moses, that's Richard Herring-style levels of crazy commitment to the art. And in 2015, Bridget wrote a book called A Book for Her. The title is a reference to her award-winning Edinburgh show, A Bic for Her, for which part of the blurb read thusly, Why does Bic think women need special biros to write with? Who decided Thatcher and Beyoncé were feminist icons? What did Sir Sterling Moss say about women's brains? Some of the areas through which Bridget goes on riff missions in her show, A Bic For Her. Her stand-up special, Stand Up For Her, was released on Netflix earlier this year, 2017. My conversation with Bridget was recorded in September of 2016, last year, at the End of

the Road Festival, which takes place in Dorset's very beautiful Llama Tree Gardens. And Bridget was headlining the comedy tent that weekend. And as you'll hear, she was staying in a tent with her two children and her husband. Now, we were sat for our convo in what looked like a tiny front room theatre set. You get them at a few of these kinds of festivals. I know they have them tucked away in the woods at latitude. This one was called the piano stage. In front of us was an audience of perhaps 150 people trying their best to ignore a drizzle that turned into heavy rain as our conversation progressed. Anyway, we invited a few of them to sit on the floor of our fake front room and share some of the snacks that I had purchased earlier from Tesco's in Salisbury. But for the majority of people, there was simply nothing we could do. And we watched as they became drenched or buggered off. My conversation with Bridget

touched on subjects as diverse as her days as a biker lady. Brexit. Yay! Well, everyone was still trying to get a handle on Brexit, I mean, in a way, they still are. We talked about dealing with bored children and we talked about some quite magnificent celebrity encounters. But they weren't just straightforward celebrity encounters. Three of them came with quite an enjoyable twist. That's towards the end of our conversation. And when we'd finished

speaking, I was joined by the musician Steve Mason, who I first met when he was still lead singer of the Beater Band back in the 90s. And I chatted to Steve Mason briefly before he played a couple of lovely songs from his recent solo records. That's coming up at the end of the podcast, or towards the end. Here we go! Ramble chat, let's have a ramble chat We'll focus first on this, then concentrate on that

Come on, let's chew the fat and have a ramble chat Put on your conversation coat And find your talking hat La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Bridget Christie. Wow, aren't they lovely? Yeah, this is a good group of people. So Bridget, I brought gifts for you.

Oh, really? Oh God, I didn't bring anything for you. That's okay. I mean, you're doing me a big favour coming along and being my guest. I could give you a fun... Before you do your headlining slot this evening. So I appreciate you coming and doing something like this because that can be kind of a nervous time

before you do a show like that, isn't it? No. Okay. So I got you... This is a fairly random selection. I actually have to admit to you that I got this from my wife's present cupboard. She, my wife, she has a, my wife has a present cupboard. She puts, she buys things randomly in shops and then she puts them in the present cupboard and then decides who to give them to at Christmas.

Do you know, I love it so decides who to give them to at Christmas. Do you know, I love it so much. I'm going to show everybody. It's a little Wonder Woman... Pencil case. Pencil case. Yeah, or anything. You can put anything. I like pencil cases.

I like pencil cases. Do you like pencils as well? Sure. I love stationery. I love stationery. Do you? Yeah, I love it. Do you genuinely love stationery? I really love stationery. Sharp love stationery. Do you? Yeah, I love it. Do you genuinely love stationery?

I really love stationery. Sharpies, I like. Yeah, I love sharpies. I don't really like rulers or the triangles. No, there's no need. I haven't got many of those. If you need to rule a straight line, you can just use a book or a...

Well, anything. I couldn't draw a straight line without anything straight to, you know. Yeah. That's impressive. They're leaving... Look, this is... We need to pull our socks up.

This is not good enough. He's just gone to take some drugs. There we go. That's another thing you can do with a pencil case, of course, is put all your narcotics in there and things like that. Well, I was going to say, this festival is not like the festivals I used to go to in the 80s. I mean, it's very nice here, you know.

But it's more of a family event, though, isn't it? Oh, is it? Yeah. Oh. This festival. Have you been to this festival before? No, have you? No, I never have.

But I got into the idea because I'm getting a little bit older. No disrespect to the younger people here for whom this is still a relevant and vital experience. Oh, yeah. I'm not saying it's... It's not just like a hangout for people who've given up life. No, but I mean, festivals used to be a bit more, you know, oh, God, I hope I get home alive. Right. Is that what they were like for you? They were more mixed more, you know, oh God, I hope I get home alive. Right. Is that what they were like for you?

Oh, yeah. They were all mixed up, you know. I mean, you're all, it's lovely, you know.

Everyone's very nice, but I haven't seen one fight yet. I'm not saying that's what festivals... Well, that is what they used to be about though, isn't it? Well, and you know,

smack here, you know, cocaine here, you know. Urinating with a gay abandon. People naked with fireworks coming out of their bottoms and things. I haven't seen any of that. But did you go to festivals like that? Did you used to go to Reading and things like that? Well, I was a biker in the 1980s. So I didn't go to loads laser festivals because I have bone problems.

If it's damp, I get rheumatic spasms. Yeah. So I'm not good in, you know, being outside. Oh, I'm sorry. Like sort of, you see in that film with that little boy who doesn't get out of bed because his posh dad, forget what it's called. There was a book as well.

Yeah, that's it. Which one? Secret Garden it. Secret Garden. The Secret Garden. Is that how you describe the Secret Garden? I'm like the boy, I can't go outside. Oh, I can go outside. Just learn how to hula hoop in the circus tent. Don't take me to a festival.

Anyway, but I'm like him. Older and a different gender. But with Dickon, it turns out that there's nothing wrong with his legs. He's just sad. And all it took was nature to revitalise him. So following that comparison, you should be skipping about.

Now that you've been reinserted into nature, you should be thinking... Reinserted? Ah, look at the secret garden. I can walk. I'm fine. my bones are fine that hasn't happened from here no i i have because i can um my legs can feel rain coming oh you know when i was younger all my ex-boyfriends used to think i was a witch

what can you hear them just sort of saying... If there's rain coming, my legs will ache. Really? And I can know when a thunderstorm's coming as well. And I know when the ice cream van is coming as well. So it's just a joke. So are you genuinely suffering? Because you're camping, right, with your family?

Yeah, I'm camping, yeah. And are you someone that at? Because you're camping, right, with your family? Yeah, I'm camping, yeah. And are you someone that camps regularly anyway? Never. I hate it. So this is like torture for you. Yeah, I'm really miserable here. I hate it. I hate the people. It's very white, isn't it?

Anyway, not that there's... I'm not saying... You hate white people? No, I'm just saying there's a lot of white people here it's odd yeah god you're racist don't you think so

listen it's the sort of festival that would be in Midsomer Murders that's why but there though I got it I like

it's like that festival in Midsomer Murders anyway let's move so Wellingtons I got these I'm more interested in you being a biker chick. Oh.

I wasn't like a chick chick. Yeah. But my nickname was Leather Arse. So I wore leather trousers in case I came off my motorbike. Well, that's just sensible. It is sensible. But I wasn't in the House Angels or anything. I'm from Gloucester.

So the equivalent was the Worms Outlaws. But they weren't like an illegal sort of anarchist group. They just had... Picnics. Ferret. They went round with ferrets and rode round and went... Did you make the

noises of the bike yourself while you were on the bike? But what did the lifestyle entail then? then i mean did you hang out and talk about there weren't many options for someone in well you know you were either a goth which i was as well for a bit and then well it's mainly about having a bike and were your parents biker folk? Were they from Biker Grove? No, they're Irish Catholics. Does that preclude motorcycles? They're not allowed to be bikers. Right. Were they not worried about you, though? I wasn't.

I was a very sensible young person. Yeah. But I was very independent. I left school and home very early and got a job. Well, I lied about my age and got a job. I just liked being away and didn't do drugs or broke the law. I did break the law, but not... Which law did you break?

Shoplifting, but it wasn't anything to do with being a biker. What did you shoplift? Makeup. Oh, come on. Makeup. Which bit of makeup? What were you trying to do? They're not... I don't think they're interested.

I'm interested. Mascara. Mascara. Well, okay, my... I'm the youngest of nine children. Yeah. And my older sister said it was really easy and that we should just go

and get loads of stuff from Woolworths. So I thought, oh, this is easier. Just filled up my pockets and no one stopped me and then I stopped filling them up and a hand went on my shoulder and I was arrested and she ran away and I was put into a small like cupboard for ages while the police came

and I thought oh no because my mum and dad were really quite strict and then my dad came down to get me and just said oh why did you do that i said oh it was really weird i've never really couldn't work out why they were so strict about things but then they sort of laughed at me being arrested really odd were you not just absolutely bricking it when you when i knew that dad Dad was coming. And the cops and everything. Oh, the cops.

Yeah, they just treated me like any, like a gangster. That's terrifying. Well, not compared to, you know, other... Don't start comparing it to other things. I'm invested in that moment, and it's terrifying. I once shoplifted some chewing gum. Chewing gum? Yeah. Oh, God.

And you got caught. Well, no, it had fallen on the floor of the shop out of the rack and so i thought oh it's free it's still in the shop though yeah it didn't bounce out of the door no but in my mind i just tried to shift the logic boundaries a little bit and i thought that's free chewing now, because it's out of the shelf. So I can have it. How old are you? Maybe six.

45. No, this is last week. No, I still do continue to justify and rationalise certain things that I know are not acceptable in a similar way, but it's watered down. But that was it in its purest form. Just me thinking, that's on the floor. I can have it. And I knew absolutely that I couldn't.

But you took it. So I took it, put it in my pocket, got home. And then my dad saw me with the chewing gum. He's like, I didn't buy you chewing gum. What are you doing with chewing gum? I was like, it was on the floor. It's for you. Did he march you back down to the shop?

No. He made me burn it. Did he march you back down to the shop? No. He made me burn it. Did he make you burn it? He made me put it on the fire. Really? So that I just sat there watching all the silver, gold, charred and black, the silver foil,

and the gum melting over the fake coal in the fire. Did that go in then? Yeah, it did. But it seemed like, what's the point of burning it? That's a waste. I thought you were going to say it made you eat it all in one go and then swallow it.

Made me smoke it. សូវាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប� Attention. Oh, it's going to start raining now. The podcats are going to start peeling off. Does anyone want my jacket? It is now. We're here at the end of the road festival listeners and it is now and and we're in a little how would you describe this area bridget woodland um opening yeah we're in a woodland opening and there's a small stage uh it's like a theater set

of a weird front room with some comfy sofas does look nice and our audience is set out here in front of us the podcats but there they are but it is now raining so i feel bad for them and luckily i'm going to cheer them up because i'm going to give them some rosemary breadsticks. Do you like breadsticks? Oh, I don't know. They're alright, I suppose. Were you looking at your watch?

I'm just trying to inject a note of rock and roll into the proceedings. I'm going to throw a rosemary breadstick into the crowd. They're going to go nuts! Do you want to throw one, Bridget? Yes, please. Whoa! This is intense, isn't it? Oh, my goodness.

Jimi Hendrix, he wouldn't have had the guts. Now, you've just got back from the Edinburgh Fringe. I did. What's the name of your show that you were up with this year? Oh, well, it all went wrong this year. So I was doing a show about my death, mortality and things. And then we voted to leave. And everything that I had written didn't seem relevant or important. And so I sort of wrote a new show. So you had more or less July, just July. No, because July was on holiday really so it was so you wrote

your whole edinburgh show in more or less two weeks well um yes a couple of weeks so what was the process then did you sit down and think okay so i can't uh whiffle on about my own death i want to talk about no well i gig every night so I work most nights. And the rooms felt different. And on the night, the 24th of June, on the Friday, I had a gig in Soho. And I didn't know whether people would want to not think about it. But I went on and I did about half an hour on it. And people seemed quite to want to talk about it or at least listen. I thought that actually feminism was quite polarising a subject to do.

But actually it turns out that Brexit is more and more... Because, I mean, even within my audience, it's split. It's been split quite evenly between Leaveham, Votes and Remain. So it's very interesting. It'll be interesting to tour this show. How are you made aware of that, that though when you're doing a gig well because you can see people who are really angry are they looking at you but like just sort of folding their arms shaking their heads oh just absolutely furious i mean for me the brexit thing was i understand

i mean i feel the same upset and a sense of outrage that a lot of people did, but I don't necessarily see that it's useful to sort of demonise immediately all those people that didn't... Who was saying that, though? Well, I'm just looking on social media and I'm seeing people,

Remainers, sort of going, you bellends! You know what I mean? You morons, you've ruined everything. Sort of directing all their anger at the people that voted leave. Yeah, I mean, it wasn't just about leaving the... It was about loads of things. It was about inequality, people feeling disillusioned with the political class, that there's nobody that represents them.

It was kind of almost i think for a lot of people was a protest vote so that's all fine and you know who do you blame like labor like how far back do you go do you go back to that to how far back do you go the point is the campaign itself was shameful and embarrassing and this is both sides i mean this is what i talk about in the show as well as being a ludicrous, absurd figure, is that there was no information, and that really worried me. And I'm really worried also about this kind of idea that experts were somehow inauthentic

and trying to get one over on ordinary working people. I'm working class, right, and uneducated. I left school at 15, I've got no qualifications, and I didn't go to university, right? And I agree with you that a lot of people who voted... Sorry, this is not funny at all. It doesn't. It's interesting. But a lot of people who voted to remain...

But, right, society is made up of individuals. There were an equal amount of twats on both sides, on remain and leave, OK? But we have to admit, with the five-fold increase in race hate crimes since the vote, that there were a minority of people in the leave camp who were voting for not noble or legitimate reasons.

And I think it is okay for us to criticise them. And if they're racist, they need to be called out on it. It doesn't matter whether they're working class or rich. That's my position, right? And I will not have... I agree with what you're saying, but I do not accept parts of the left saying that we cannot criticise a racist

if they're working class. That doesn't make any sense to me at all. No, but I don't think anyone's talking about that. We're talking about making generalisations, making a whole group of people that voted that way feel embattled and antagonised when they had their own reasons that were nothing to do with racism a lot of the time of course there were a large and very unsavory

group of people who felt empowered by farage and yeah and johnson yeah yeah and and that was one of the most upsetting things about the whole thing yeah but i don't think you can marginalize all the other people who were invested in something else. No, and I don't agree with that either. Yeah. Yeah. And obviously, there will be a lot of racists

on the Remain side as well. So it doesn't really... It was a binary thing and I think that was the problem in or out. Like, there was no... You know, the thing that really upset me... I mean, I've actually cried

quite a lot about this, but because of the the lies it's easy to make people in economic downturns that's when sort of fascism thrives it's when it's easy to blame immigrants for everything that's wrong with your life and we've seen that happening and throughout history and that happening it's the oldest trick in the book and that really upset me that the people who felt disenfranchised and that they had nothing and nothing to lose from leaving the EU, they will be the first people to hit.

And also this thing about it being undemocratic. It's, we've got, I mean, I am so worried about years and years now of Tory rule and literally no opposition. There's no, they should be annihilated by now. There's nobody saying, hang on, so now they're rushing all this stuff. I'm just really, sorry, I just also snorted. But I'm trying to be optimistic about it as well. It was a democratic vote because it was a plebiscite.

So everybody had a vote and that made a difference. But is it democratic if everything that you were told was a lie? I'm not so sure about that. How are you then mining this very emotive scene for laughs? Well, I have this idea that... That's basically the show, don't come. It isn't. It's not at all.

Five stars, the Scotsman. I have this idea that I wanted to be optimistic about it and really positive because it's happened and I'm normally quite a positive person and a lot of people were really happy about this result and so, you know, and there's a lot of people that I know voted to leave and they're very happy about it.

But I have this idea that, so I love gardening and nature. And I have this idea that even though I'm not allowed out in it because of my weird bone problem. But, yeah, so I talk about nature. But every time I start talking about it, it becomes a metaphor for something okay with brexit right got you yeah five stars well there's a you know come to the show i'll be touring what's it called now then it's so it's changed it's like it was called mortal and it's now called uh because you demanded it right so it will evolve then over the next year i So I've left space in the show so that it can change because things have slowed down now a bit.

I mean, we got to the point, it was amazing, in sort of end of June, early July, where things were happening at such a fast rate. You were having to rewrite your show every night or add bits or take things away. But I think it's really important that we don't forget. I think often you know some policy will go through and we'll be outraged for a bit and also you know the refugee crisis we're all

like so upset by it for a few for a few things it gets a lot of publicity and things and then people forget and move on and I don't want us to ever forget how this happened. Basically, you know, a lot of reasons, but a few men's personal political ambitions and lies. And I think that is really, really important because we're not going to know the full consequences of this. Oh, no, it's really, really raining. It's starting to properly rain now. It's going to affect.

Yeah. Please don't stare. Literally, nothing's going to affect yeah uh you please don't stay literally nothing's going to happen here we're halfway through the podcast i think it's going really great the conversation's flowing like it would between a geezer and his mate all right mate hello geezer i'm pleased to see you there Ooh, there's so much chemistry. It's like a science lab of talking. I'm interested in what you said. Thank you.

There's fun chat and there's deep chat. It's like Chris Evans is meeting Stephen Hawking. I mean, some of you can come and sit in this bit. Yeah. Now, you mentioned crying briefly about the whole Brexit thing. Oh, yes. Do you love to cry? Do you cry a lot?

Oh, I do. What was the last thing you cried at? Oh, I cry all the time. Non-political thing. Like, not the news. I think... No. Oh, I... I cry at beauty as well.

Yeah. I cry at acts of humanity. You're moved by wonderfulness. Yeah. Can you remember what the last wonderful thing that moved you to tears was? Yes, it was a thought, so I don't think that's the same thing. One of your own thoughts.

Guys, my thoughts are amazing. I've just had the most amazing thought. I think I'm going to start crying because of my own genius. It was a memory of something that I had this morning. Right. I mean, you and I were a similar age, sort of hovering around the mid to late 40s zone. I'm enjoying it, are you?

I mean, I enjoy some things about it, but I have noticed that my control over my... Don't look at my groin. You went, control over my... Well, actually, no, that's not been a problem yet. I still have control over the Netherlands. The Netherlands? That's what I call that area.

It's a little fun racism. But what I don't have control over is my emotions. Oh. And that's just gone totally out of the window. So now there are things that just set me off crying. Easily, yeah. Like a switch has been flicked and there's nothing I can do, you know. I know, you howl and you can't stop.

Yeah, I'm like that. But do you think, you've got children, haven't you? Yeah, I do, yeah. Do you think it's getting older and having children? I'm sure it makes it more intense, yeah. You're aware of the passing of time. Yes. The futility of the passing of time yes futility of the happiness yes it's so bittersweet though isn't it because there's when you have children i don't know if you feel this there it's mainly about hanging out for the little moments of

perfection and contentment when they are and say something sweet and do something sweet and when or when you're a unit and you're all getting on well. But generally, the routine is a bit of a slog and you're just... No one is ever happy. Not everybody is happy at the same time. There's always one outlier who's going through a phase or hates you or has some other problem. You know what I mean?

I mean, they know what I mean? I mean, they are... I mean, obviously, you know, we all love our children, but, yeah, I mainly prefer... Well, I enjoy them much more when they're asleep. Yeah. I used to think that they would be like mini-me's almost, and that they would be my best friends. You know, they would absolutely unquestioningly think that I was brilliant.

They are 8, 12, and 14. Oh, wow. So, and there are times, you know, when they do think I'm brilliant. But then there are a lot of times when they clearly think I'm just a tool. Yeah. And, you know, they might have a point a lot of the time oh that's the thing is that clearly i can be a tool right like most of us can and they're aware of that just as anyone else would be but it's sort of heartbreaking when when it's your own flesh and blood and they're looking at you and they're thinking oh you too i know daisy's only

five but she's she's rolling her eyes is she not a lot i mean we get on but i also i think it is quite odd though as well to assume that you'll get on i mean we're all individual exactly you know um also because we don't have any family i don't know if you have any breaks from yours, but we literally, we don't have any time apart ever. Right. And we don't have sort of full-time childcare either. Yeah. No, I mean, I'm lucky. I sort of do enjoy it.

I get to go away and do things like this, and then I get a couple of days off. Oh, no, mine are here. Yeah. No, I've... Yeah, I've had my children at festivals before and it's really, really stressful, if you're doing a show as well.

I'm thinking of faking my own death so that I can read a book at the moment. No, it is. It's exhausting. Anyway... So we got into this by talking about crying, though. Oh, crying, yes. Is there a bit of music that always makes you cry? Oh, God.

I can't talk about it. Because you'll... Come on, just try. No, I don't want to. Do I have to? Yeah, you have to. Why? Because I'm interested.

I want to know. I'm fascinated. I can't. Please. I don't think I can say it. Can you not say it? I don't think I can get it out. Can you say the band?

No, it's just... All right, I can say it if I do this this is not going to lift it from Brexit or what don't worry I've got some great

questions that will alright okay I can't listen to Credence Clearwater Revival which one Bad Moon Rising no

put a candle in the window I can't remember what it's called is that long as i can see the rain yes because um my mum who died in 1997 yeah very long illness with cancer we used to um listen to it a lot and and i used to remember hearing it before i got up because she would be um she would have already put it on and so that sets you off yeah she was we were very close and uh it's it's funny it's sort of i think music and so things i can't smell either that remind me oh really yeah olfactory emotion yeah it's it's amazing though. Because sometimes I feel that I'm dead inside

because things that affect other people don't affect me. Do you know what I mean? Sometimes I don't get excited by things that other people do. Or I'm not pleased. People say, are you not really pleased about that? No, I feel completely neutral about it. Right, okay. Does anyone else get that? So do you think you're able to...

I might be depressed or something. Do you think you're able to feel sort of negative or difficult, sad emotions easier than you are happy ones? Oh, yes. Maybe you're anhedonic. Yeah, maybe something like that. But I'm glad that when I do

smell something or that I'm maybe i'm um what's the smell that makes you cry feet oh it's a perfume it's a specific perfume that she used to have in her bag oh mate so it's all about your ma yeah i'm pretty all right with a lot of other things actually but i find nature generally quite a you know if i see a bee or something i'll be like oh god look after the bee like you know try and catch it and put it somewhere where it like yeah feed it milk and stuff you know give it a biscuit keep going mate you know i'm just like oh there's a buzzer wire i mean also i'm like the speed at which things are changing it's like all right do you remember you would drive somewhere with your parents right and you'd have to keep getting out to wipe the windscreen because

there'd be all bugs and flies and stuff there's's nothing anymore, ever. You could drive from, like, Cornwall to Scotland without having to wipe your windscreen once. That could be because of windscreen technology. Evolving. I'm not prepared to believe that it's... Are you not? Well, I'm just saying, I'm putting it out there, there might be a less depressing explanation.

What, there's some sort of, like, humming device in windsc humming device it might be that things are getting better what about that they've yeah it might be a humming device it might be some sort of force field is what i'm saying there's a force field on the new cars on new yeah and it's a benign force field. It doesn't kill them, it just discourages them. Yeah, I like that. From hitting your windscreen. That's nice. Do you cry? Are you happy about things, if good things happen to you?

No, I know what you mean. I think it gets harder and harder the older you get. And then, unfortunately, when the good things happen, you're so overwhelmed that you start crying. So it's much harder to be happy go lucky than it used to be you know what i mean to just think hey this is fun now it's all as soon as something great happens it's like you know what i mean i'm gonna die i'm all right about dying, though. Are you? No. You can't avoid it. I know.

That's the bad thing. That's the thing that makes me sad. I think it's... I don't mind the actual thing. I don't mind not existing. It's just the build-up. But if you don't... So do you think you exist now?

Yeah. What are you playing with my mind? Wait, now I'm looking around around i'm sitting in the woods in a weird theater set surrounded by podcats maybe i don't exist but no i think it's um because my parents never talked to me do your kids ask you about death a lot? Mine do. They have done. My daughter started asking about it and was clearly worried. Oh, right. And was just... I mean, she said a few times,

I don't want you to get old. And, like, at one point she said, are you always going to have your beard? And I said, well, I don't know, maybe. And she said, you look a lot younger without your beard. I saw a photograph of you and you looked a lot younger without your beard and i said well i don't know maybe and she said you look a lot younger without your beard i saw a photograph of you and you looked a lot younger without your beard i said well i know i know that's true but uh why don't you like my beard and she said well i just it reminds me that you're getting old oh really i don't want you to get old and i said well it's okay everyone we're

all gonna get old it's fine There's nothing wrong with being old. And then she thought about it and then the next night she made a big song and dance out of tugging on my beard and saying, I love your beard, Daddy. You should never shave it off. You look great with your beard. It's so good. So she's, you know,

processing it all. Yeah. Mine have asked for really little about it. And what do you say i say yes you're going to die and so am i yeah so there was never a question of course of course you've got to be honest i think right this is what i think that young kid like kids are really smart they're really clever they're much more robust than we think they are i was excluded from what my parents perceived as grown-up conversations and i think that if you think it's not going to traumatize them then i think that you can talk about things in a way that's really good for them

so it doesn't become this unknown fearful thing that is much worse than their own imaginations like i was terrified about that my so my son is nine now i don't ever remember really talking to him about death but he said to me apropos of nothing of the date mum i just wanted you to know that i'm completely fine with death i mean mine yours it's inevitable there's no point in worrying about it can i have a some fudge and i was really pleased about that because daisy she's five and it does like it does, the thought that really does upset me is it's like me dying and they're not OK about it, that they're absolutely devastated.

So I'm actually trying to, because we get on, so I'm trying to pull away from them emotionally, you know, so that it's not such a big loss when I've gone. It's like, oh, yeah, it's a shame Mummy's gone. She was nice. Yeah. Still, there's always crisps. You know, that sort of... This could be the answer to all your problems.

You can have an affair, just go on a total bender, have lots of fun, alienate your entire family, and then they'll be fine with you dying. Well, yeah. I think it's a really good... It's a brilliant plan. So Daisy said, mum, are you going to die? This was not long ago.

She's only five. she hasn't got any grandmothers that both grannies have died so i thought well if i say no that's going to lead on to another quick kids are great about questions like one question leads on to another question leads on to another question that's why you can't you might as well just so i said yes yes i am and i wonder what should we have a quiz and she went went, oh. She was quite taken aback, but she was, oh, right, okay. And then she said, so if you're going to die, am I going to die? And I thought, oh, my God.

And I just said, yes, loser. And then we were... And she laughed. She momentarily was a bit, you know, oh. And then we played. So that's done now. They know that that's going to happen. No, but I feel that that part of my part is duff you know

that i've not lied about i don't want them to what about giving them some other encouraging stuff to cling on to like for me it's life expectancy right it's always getting longer so i'm saying to them and not lying yeah that you know there's a good chance you'll live to 100 if you look after yourself and, you know, we don't all get killed in a nuclear firestorm. Yeah. Generally, I leave that bit out. But I say, I say, you know, you're probably going to live

to 100. By the time you're 100, you're going to be begging to die. Here, how do you deal with this one, right? And I'm sure this happens to you. Mom, Dad, this generally happens after I've taken, after I've told the children that they have to switch off either the TV or the computer or a device or whatever.

And then, so they go, and they complain for a while, and then they gloop around and then they go, I'm bored. There's nothing to do. And you say, what do you mean nothing to do? There's loads. You've got loads.

There's everything. We live out in the country. You've got bikes. It's sunny outside. You can do great stuff. You've got ridiculous amounts of toys. You're spoiled. You live a privileged existence.

Don't tell me there's nothing to do. How do you deal with that, though, in your house when they say that? Oh, totally lose my shit. Yeah. I mean, I, you know, I think the neighbours might be worried about the children.

What do you say, though? There's just no discussion. I had a stick when I was their age That's what I had A stick and one bear And a bear? Yeah, one bear There was nine of us

So we didn't have loads of stuff An actual bear? Because that would be amazing I'm not a forester, I'm from Gloucester I say I've got this thing where I'll say, I'm going to say this once and I speak, like I sort of quietly threaten them like probably a murderer would or something.

Yeah. Do you get right up in their face? Because it's bad. Like my heart pounds when I get really angry. So I call myself first and I go come here I'm saying this

once and once only go away from me literally no laughing either go away don't speak to me or ask me if i don't want to hear you or see you for at least four days

but because i'm because to be honest with you kids i'm frightened for you at this point are you shaking when you say this oh that they know yeah i get a look yeah i get and is that is that coming from the heart or are you or are you pretending that no no no i'm not pretending no because they've got no concept of boredom these kids i mean i know this is a sad thing to start saying like trotting out all the exact same stuff that your parents said like oh these kids but you know what i said the other day well you'll get a clip around the ear hole i don't even know what that means you'll get a thick ear what's a clip around what around what you get a clip and go i don't understand or there'll be hell to pay what What? And shaking my finger like that.

Yeah. Or wait until your father gets home. Whoever he is. I'll... little rest, otherwise you're going to get tired and depressed. Take a look around, think that you exist, think about the person you last kissed. Right, that's enough now, think about trees, think about sausages, think about trees. Think of alien vehicles moving out in space, think about the wonder on the little baby's face. Now think of Stevie Wonder's face on the baby's face.

Now stop thinking completely, because you're ready for the next part of the podcast. Here it is. Oh, man, it's just... It's really not fair. An extra bit of rain just came down there. You're getting so wet. Yeah, it's pretty harsh.

So, um... You see how happy you are? Yeah, it's pretty harsh anyway yeah it's bad i read your book recently and i was shocked by the amount of horrible things that have happened to you from just random people like strangers and i was thinking i mean obviously that's partly to do with the fact that you're a woman most men generally don't get creepily hassled the way that women do on a regular basis. But also, you've had some various physical altercations. But it's random, though. I mean, I don't take random acts of violence against me personally.

It's not personal. I'm not... I just think you... It sounds like you've been unlucky. You've been mugged. Yeah. I mean, a lot of people have been mugged i guess sadly you've been bottled yeah what happened in the mugging because you had some teeth bashed out i had my front teeth knocked out how was that how was it like how how did they not like how was it as as in was it terrific but it was um how did they bash your teeth out well with that's how with the force with a punch

with a punch yeah what oh it's fine look it's fine i was not bothered at the time in fact because i hadn't realized because i was in the street how old were you um not that there's a good age 20 24 25 oh my god But it's... Look, OK. Right. I was a very poor student and I had £5 in my pocket and I didn't want to give it to him. He said, give me all your money.

I said, I don't have any. And he said, you do. I saw you taking it out of the cash point, which was ages ago. And I said, no, I think you've mixed me up with someone else. I've got one of those faces. I have got one of those faces. Do you know, the amount

of really famous people think that they knew me, like, oh, I went through this phase in my late 20s of like Mel Brooks and people saying, you didn't tell me you were here. I was like, oh, I... Mel Brooks came over and thought he recognised

you. Yeah, and Ray Liotta ran about three miles towards me on a beach once. Are you making this up? No. I see, right. When I was in my late... This was before I did any... Before I was working...

So I worked in offices between 15 and 35. That was my income. I didn't earn money from comedy until i was 40 and so i always had a day job and so in my late 20s i just had office jobs and i went on holiday i was traveling with my ex and we were on a beach in america this man sort of started waving and my ex said is that ray liotta and i said and as he ran towards us i was like yeah it's ray liotta he's much shorter than he looks in films anyway he ran up us i was like yeah israeli otter he's much shorter than he looks in films anyway he ran up to me and sort of grabbed me by my shoulders and said

hey man you never told me you were here come to that i said oh well i've just got in you know he said we're wrapping in a minute so that like he was shooting a film and then he said a load of us are coming to the house promise me you'll come to the house i said i promise my ex was there and he never told me you were close friends with ray leotta i said i'm not friends with ray leotta i obviously look like someone in like a dog walker or an escort in Hollywood or something and he didn't say like oh your accent's changed or that I must there must be someone that I'm really really like yeah but it happened all within about one month so there was Ray Liotta on the beach there was um John Cleese outside the radio theatre in new york this is all in the same trip right my

ex was like okay what's going on here like because we worked at abbey national in the finance department he thought i had this like weird past john cleese was going in to film something you know they have live recordings and he went i remember he was had like this beige mac on and i was just standing there with all the other like people going there's a famous person he went see you later i was like yeah all right and then um mal brooks when the producers the when was this like i don't know early noughties or something when the producers first went to the west end so he was in the stalls and i was like way back and he went hey and made loads of people get up as he was running along the row i thought oh he's not coming he's not making all these people get up to come and talk to me because i i don't know mal brooks anyway so he got all these people get up to come and talk to me. Because I don't know Mel Brooks.

Anyway, all these people ran over and said, I didn't know you were coming tonight. They didn't tell me. I was like, who the hell do they think you are? I don't know. I bet it's the same person that they all know, though. This person that you aren't. I bet it's just one person.

And this person knows Ray Liotta and John Cleese. She's really nice. Oh, she's got something on them. Right. Yeah. But my favourite odd thing that happened with a really famous person was with Gene Wilder, who was one of my favourite. He put his hands around my throat once and pretended to strangle me.

Whoa. And I went along with it. I was going like that. But he didn't think you were someone else. No. He was just, this was his idea of fun. No, he knew it was me. Yeah. And I went along with it. I was going like that. But he didn't think you were someone else. No. He was just, this was his idea of fun. No, he knew it was me. Okay. So that was a... And was he rocking you back and forth and you're going

Yeah, like that. It was great. Good times. One of the best moments of my life really. What were we talking about? We got into this. About being punched. About being punched. Yeah. And it doesn't, I see it as I see good things and bad things talking about we were talking about we got into this being punched about being punched yeah and it doesn't i see it as i i see good things and bad things that happen to us as all random acts

that should all be dealt with it's like as life experience and the things that you don't get hung up on any one thing but i mean how long practically though how long did it take you to because you could very easily just get really upset and traumatised I don't want to be defined by things that like it's not my problem is it that someone's punched my teeth out

it's not my problem and I think it's much harder to deal with bad things that you've done you carry that with you much more than you do receiving. But I don't know, that's just me.

It's different for everybody. But I think don't hang on to stuff. Like life is short, as we've discussed. I'm going to die. Why be bothered about this moment in time that was about someone else and their life and the issues that they have and not really anything about me?

It's sort of the same as trolling that that's not my the people people who hate me it isn't my problem i'm nothing to do with it do you see what i mean yeah i think that's a great philosophy and what but but it took me a long time to get to that point it was only because there was so much hate that i thought okay There was so much hate that I thought, OK, there's two ways out of this. I stop speaking, or they're not going to stop. So the only way to deal with it is to see it as white noise that is not real.

And being punched, this guy had obviously a much worse life than me. I could clearly see that he did. And he needed that money for something that i didn't need it for it's move on from it get my get my teeth actually i did need gum surgery and i did go to st thomas's hospital for emergency nhs teeth guys you don't want you don't want nhs temporary they might as well have just put two cornflakes on the front of them on like that it did cost me because i needed gum surgery and everything right i had to pay for oh man so that was like it was inconvenient but it didn't and i know that everybody's different

you know everyone deals with like trauma or an attack differently and that doesn't mean that um that of course, they shouldn't happen. Everyone's going to be able to bounce back, right? But try not to carry things with you, I think. I think on that inspiring and philosophically positive note, we're going to wrap our conversation with Bridget up. Let's have a big round of applause.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much for coming. It's so nice to talk to you, Bridget. Thank you for staying in this terrible rain. What a legendary audience. so hey Hey, back at the End of the Road Festival here at the so-called piano stage out in the woods at Llama Tree Gardens. That's the name of the place, right? Yes.

And it is really, really raining. right? Yes. And it is really, really raining. And our group of podcats has been somewhat whittled down because of the extreme weather. But I'm very pleased to say that we've been joined as a musical guest by Steve Mason. How are you doing, Steve? I'm very well, thank you. Man, it's so nice to see you. You too. One of the last times I saw you,

Beta Band came on to GLR years ago when I was doing a bit of covering for some DJ. And I was very excited that you guys had agreed to do it. And then what happened? And then you just swore, right was going out live and you just started swearing your tits off throughout i can't remember what song it was but it was all like and this producer this producer lady who was really quite i'd never worked with her before and she didn't she She clearly thought, like,

I was a moron. So is that the reason why that's the last time you saw me? Yeah. Right. And she said... Can we swear on this one? You can. You can say whatever you want.

You can go nuts. I don't want to swear now. All right, yeah. It's too late. But, yeah, she was very angry. And she was sort of angry with me as well because she was like, you got them on.

You said... I was like, it's the Peter Pan. They're brilliant she said well they're they it's going out live you know i don't even remember that i remember we came you were doing a little thing for adam and joshua i think oh yeah yeah you were like this uh german uh rock journalist i? I was pretending to be Zane Lowe. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, that was it. And I went and just asked you a load of ridiculous questions and you pretended to get angry with me. I did a thing for Zane Lowe on the MTV thing once and he'd sit on this couch. I think everyone does it.

He'd sit on the couch and then you're sitting next to him and he's talking away. And you're sitting there and then he goes, and now we're going to cut to and he's talking away and you're sitting there and then he goes now we're going to cut to the VT and he literally goes just shuts down like a robot

and then the video cuts off and you're back on like wow entertainment bot three zero. Weird. That's how you maintain. He's a professional. Well. You give too much, Steve.

Yeah, yeah. So, you're playing tonight at End of the Road. Yes. Have you got a band with you? Yeah, yeah, I've got Bodge, Greg, Elliot and Darren. Bodge is my favourite. bodge is my favorite bodge is my favorite um and what are you going to play for us this afternoon are you okay to play a couple of songs yeah yeah yeah i'm very under rehearsed the trouble with doing the festivals is you you don't get any rehearsals in between so i never really know what i'm doing but yeah i'll definitely

attend something yeah all right good one yeah so if you could introduce this for us that would be great so i'll do one i think i know so this is called oh my lord from monkey minds and devil's time I don't know what to feel, my sister Am I a child that walks, my sister? Why should I cry for my own life? Just a boy with a knife in his eye You don't see all the loss when he weeps Oh my Lord, forgive me Oh my Lord, forgive me Oh my Lord, forgive me

Oh my Lord, forgive me I've lost the flow, my brother Should I know where to go, my brother Why should I cry for the only light Just a boy with a knife in his eye You don't see all the loss when he weeps I still reach for the sky With a tear in the eye And there's a passage through the black Is that sunlight through the crack Oh, and if I pick up my speed

And make a break for the tree The sight for sorrow amassed a bone When you win you're out forever Oh my Lord, forgive me Oh my Lord, forgive me Oh my Lord, forgive me Oh my Lord Forgive me I still reach

For the sky With a tear in the eye And there's a passage Through the black Is that sunlight through the crack Oh and if I pick up My speed And make a break for the tree, a sight for sorrow, a mass to borrow, when you win, you're out forever.

Oh my Lord, forgive me. Oh my Lord, forgive me. Oh my Lord Forgive me Oh my Lord Forgive me Yay! Thank you. Thank you. Do you want any snacks?

What have you got? Oh, man, I've got loads. I've got chocolate rice cakes. Do you like those? No, man. I like something with some substance to it. Do you have any chips? I've got...

No, I've got crispies. I've got crispy slices. They're like fake Garibaldis. Yes! Apple. I used to live on Garibaldis at school. Two packets a day at school. Garibaldis. With the little squashed flies in them.

Fly pie. I got a few rosemary breadsticks. What's going on here? Is this what you're... I got a few rosemary breadsticks. What's going on here? Is this where you're... I got... Who let you leave the house this morning? I went to Tesco this morning and got this.

Almonds? Do you like almonds? I don't know, they're kosher. Okay. All right, well, that's your lot, I'm afraid. No, I'm fine. Thank you very much, Doug. So, Steve. Yes.

Will you play us one more song? Of course, yeah. And will you introduce it for us? Yes. I will. This is from the album I have out at the moment, which is called Meet the Humans, and it's called Planet Sizes. Planet Sizes.

I missed out on us too often I missed out and tried again I never really knew before me Never really tried again But I find But I fight But I fight This time I'm going back again I know my six times table

I know where the planets lie I know my planet sizes The universe makes me cry, but I fight, but I fight, but I fight. The luck we have inside Is just another sign The universe is mine The universe is mine I thought I knew where I came from But I heard that the teacher lied She told me I'm a cave-dun ape man

No thought to the planet's side An old man made from stardust The monkey sings in the tree You put those things together You won't get close to me But I find But I find But I find

What is left to hide The look we have inside Is just another sign The universe is mine mine push them away it's time I remind cause I cannot find Push them away This time I'm a mind Cause I cannot fight Away Push them away

This time I'm a mind Cause I cannot fight This time I'm going back again But I find What is left to hide The look we have inside Is just another sign The universe is mine

A little lift around the universe is mine A little lift around the love I have inside But is it all just another sign? A little lift around the love I have inside But is it all just another sign The universe is mine Thank you. Thank you very much.

Steve Mason! Wait, this is an advert for Squarespace. Every time I visit your website, I see success. Yes, success. The way that you look at the world makes the world want to say yes. It looks very professional. I love browsing your videos and pics and I don't want to stop. And I'd like to access your members area and spend in your shop.

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to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain so put the smile of success on your face with squarespace yes continue Rosie, come here, dog, dog. Come here, dog, dog. She's coming. Her tongue is lolling. She wants to see me. Hello, darling.

Do you want a scritch-scratch? A scritch-scratch? A scritch-scratch on the walk? That's very unusual. It's a big yawn there All right then, doggles, we should head back, come on It's not a very nice day, is it? Where's the summer?

I blame Donald Trump Anyway, Steve Mason there He played a great set that weekend Which went down very well at the End of the Road Festival. And I'm very grateful, by the way, to the organisers of that festival for inviting me along. Me and Seamus Murphy-Mitchell, who helps me out with this podcast, went along. But thank you most especially to Bridget Christie. Thanks very much, Bridget, for appearing on the podcast.

to Bridget Christie. Thanks very much, Bridget, for appearing on the podcast. Now, it's auto trumpet tooting time because we won an award. I say we, I guess I'm talking about me and Seamus Murphy Mitchell, who helps me produce this podcast, and Matt Lamont, who helps me edit it, and ACAST, who provides a platform for this podcast. I was named Podcast Champion of the Year, I guess 2016 that would be, at the British Podcasting Awards, or just the British Podcast Awards, their first year celebrating the world of podcasting. So I'm very grateful to them for giving me that award amongst stiff competition. You know, the likes of Richard Herring, who for me is still the podcast king, who produces consistently hilarious and weird and entertaining shows with all sorts of very funny people on his podcast.

I always recommend that to people. The Beef and Dairy podcast won for the best comedy show. That's a very funny program as well. You should check it out. is it okay to call a podcast a program or is that offensive i don't know um anyway there were lots if you go i guess if you go to the british podcast awards page you'll see all the people that were nominated and who won ramesh ranganathan his hip-hop podcast won an award, I know. So check that out.

But yes, my award sort of was in recognition, in recognition of some of the brave, brave work that I've done in the world of podcasting over the years. Not only solo, but with Joe Cornish and with people at XFM that helped us out with our podcast and then at the Big British Castle so all of those were being recognised

I think by the award and I believe I'm right in saying that it was voted for by my fellow podcasters so that's extra heartening and encouraging thanks very much. If you voted for any of the categories, I really appreciate it.

It all helps to keep the endeavour afloat. But for the time being, and until we're next together in our old space, we're next together in our old space please take the greatest of care in this dangerous and uncertain world. Hold hands

and don't run. I love you. Bye! Like and subscribe Like and subscribe Like and subscribe Bye! Bye. I got a surprise. I got a surprise. I got a surprise. I got a surprise. I got a surprise. I got a surprise. I got a surprise.

I got a surprise. I got a surprise. I got a surprise. I got a surprise. I got a surprise. I got a surprise. I got a surprise.次回予告 Thank you.