The Bonfire with Big Jay Oakerson and Robert Kelly - Allergic To Touch

Episode Date: July 21, 2023

Jacob tries to teach Bobby how to be a better lover and Christine has a giggle attack!

I'm Bobby Kelly and it's Big J. Ocarson. We're actually a full radio show on Series XM, not just a podcast. For full episodes of the Bonfire, you can listen on the Series XM app. Go to seriesexm.com slash Bonfire for a special offer. And now the Bonfire with Big J. Ocarson and Robert Kelly. Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Jerry O'Connell. Definitely a gay man. Well, the otherW is Kevin Hart. WoW!

Oh really? Remember Kevin, right? Yeah, yeah I do. Well, you know it's funny. I feel like... Not Kevin? What hurts me now? I was saying this on Skanks last night. Terminator timelines, this is Tuesday.

Even though it's Thursday you're listening. Uh, it's the On Fire Faction Talks here, 6103. Robert Kelly, this is Tuesday, even though it's Thursday, you're listening. It's the on fire faction talk. Series XM 103, Robert Kelly, Big J. O'Coursen. Yeah, I'm not sure. I'm Robert Kelly. That's Big J.

We got the people in this studio. The crew, do we call them the crew? Yeah, we have the crew. We got DJ Lou. Jacob Baton. We got Christine, the Bedoucet. Black Lou's still out, still in his time off love you love you black Lou real quick at any moment if I run from the studio Yes, I have to poop and I missed timed it

I usually can save it, but I had some type of bar from my flower shop slash espresso bar underneath my therapy to flower shop slash espresso bar underneath it. My therapy, it's a flower shop slash espresso bar. Those, that's not a thing. Did you have the espresso? It's flower shop, you walk through the flower shop. But you had an espresso. And I have what I call the Amanda, my cultist wife. It's a four espresso shots, Christine knows, with a splash of cream.

And, oh, you're drink. My drink, and I had that, but I had a little bar, a fig bar, healthy bar, and it shot through my system. And I am doing my utmost best to hold in the cannon. Oh, we are taping. Yeah, well, we could go right now. I'm gonna, I'm gonna, I'm gonna really let brew. I'm gonna,

No, no, no. Oh, what a witch term. I'm gonna I'm gonna really let brew I'm a What a witch term a pile up you're gonna pile up over there You'll it boops brew Like dinting more beef stew. What did I just stop saying? I'm gay skanks last night. Oh, yeah What about it though? Skank. Well, that's funny. Yeah, you know, I'm at something Come on. We got you. We'll get Kevin Hart. Kevin Hart. Kevin Hart, yes. Good job, Christine.

Good job, Christine. You know, she lives with me. Yeah, of course. She's I'm going. Did they show you the clip that's been going around? Of him talking. It's old though. Is that old?

Him talking about you, Swing or Cheryl? I was swapping, yeah. Yeah, I did Mark Zumoff's podcast today. He was a long time six years color commentary. I did his podcast this morning and he brought that up even. He said Kevin Hart told that story on something, like, damn, everyone's heard that. But Kevin Hart, for the longest time,

I never really had any kind of like help me Kevin, like, vibe at all. I mean, I'm not arguing with, not arguing, but talking with two, you know, I mean, it's never, I'm I'm not arguing, I'm talking with two Ray and Philly about that, who's the guy who started us both. You've never had that with anybody. I've never, I've never felt to help me from you. No, I never, I mean, I've had a lot of help. Yeah. You're self-included, being one of those people who helped. But I mean, I never, with Kevin's success, I was never like, hey man, put me in something or produce something for me or blow, I'd never come to anything like that.

Good ones never do. But now that I've built, uh, up to where I have built up, now I'm like, all right, dude, push me over the edge, man. I've done plenty by myself. Come get me, man. Come get me man. Put me in something huge dude, I don't want to be a plastic cup boy. I don't want to be a plastic cup boy I'll be a real house husband of Hollywood though in a heartbeat. Would you would you would you in Christine? Do a show like that like me. Oh, someone came to me with wives of comedians Me too. Some of you want that show to get ratings to go through the roof Put Christine in a room with just a bunch of black wives of black people in Hollywood is gonna be really funny. When they're all laughing at her dancing and shit, she comes out with dreads.

Oh, when they finally come in there. When someone finally just dexer in the face because of her laugh, they just can't take it anymore. This bitch need a CPAC machine or something. We'll say Nick Cannon's wife for whoever. Why do women might dawn snoring now too? She snores at night and I'm like, but like she helped me. She was like, you have to go see a doctor because she wants me to live. I just let her snore and like, like, you know, if her heart gives out one day,

I mean, that's just the world, right? So I feel. Sometimes if it's inconveniencing, if it's inconveniencing me, I'll give Christine increasingly aggressive shoves and pushes. Me too. Yeah, yeah, yeah, and I'll just stop for a little bit.

I do the same thing. I'll do this, what I do. The first one is a bounce on the bed. Mm-hmm. And then it's a shake on the bed. Then it's a tap. And then I'll literally push her show, I'll grab her show and just push her. Yeah, I'll do that too. And sometimes I'll just flat out wake her up, I'll go, flip the other way. Yeah, just snore away from me. The fifth one is usually me. And then I'll just punch her right in the fucking side of the face. And she wakes up. What happened? I go, I don't know, he's talking about

because Christine much like me starts snoring immediately though, the good news is, because she never, she rarely will give you the, I'm falling asleep. Let's stop watching this. It's sure I'll watch it and then she falls asleep and then the problem is, it's been a couple shows that I've gotten. Is that her?

That's actually me. I've gotten way, like ahead of her on shows because of that and been like I can't go backwards now. You got to watch it yourself. You know, but now like last night we were we started the world gemstones and when we were sitting there on the third episode I just in the middle of it I heard Christine do that. I was like, oh time to get off this. I woke up. And I was like, oh, time to get off this. Put something on the side. I woke up this morning, I was like,

when did I go to bed last night? What was I doing? By the way, she put some hostage tape right over her mouth as soon as she started to go in. I'm human ambian, by the way, for Christine. I was gone. We were up late. That's your nickname, right?

We were up one night late. We were up Tuesday late before we left. What was it Tuesday? Yeah. Yeah, Tuesday before I left again on Wednesday. They, we were up late Tuesday. Christine then proceeded, the entire time I was gone, calling me at what would be four o'clock in the morning here,

3.30 in the morning. So out of character for her over the last two years. Yeah. Before she, this is back, these are the times of fun Christine. We're talking about, I get home, 230 unconscious. Yeah, but that's because when God free left, she called you. So, hey, when God free set her straight.

No, it was revamped. It was revamped. It was revamped. It was revamped. It was revamped. It was revamped. It was revamped. It was revamped.

It was revamped. It was revamped. It was revamped. It was revamped. It was revamped. Instagram until two in the morning three in the morning. Hey, can I ask you a question? Can we get the fuck Steve Harvey? You the fuck God free Steve Harvey Jason. Stay with him. Can we? Every character he does. I can have a black child. Sure. You can. Can we record our girl snoring and see who snores the worst? Sure. Okay. Next next week next week on the bonfire. Hi, snorke like a J. next door. I think a man next week. We have to see I think Christine might win If I really get her on a good night where she's wailing if if dawn is in the right position Lord yeah, oh Lord the fucking tiny house roof shakes Sometimes to get Christine stuff snoring. I've just keep like we have the bed frame that goes up and down Stuff I've like just jacked her around like like she's possessed just to make her stop

that goes up and down and stuff, I've just jacked her around like, like she's possessed just to make her stop. There's a setting called snoring which is supposed to stop you like elevate you a little bit. It doesn't work. It works with normal people. Christina Wolf right through that. Christina's deviated septum. I want to hear Christine snore. I do too. I'm gonna help him stop. You trying to get these fuck fantasy out of your head? I mean, you've been talking about that snore for years, so I want to actually hear it.

I have a- I mean, I'm a monster for sure. I know I am. You know another thing that we've, I made a mistake on, is Jamie Foxx is not being killed by PD. No. I have to take that away. Exactly. I went down that, I went down a goddamn spiral on that.

Yeah. And apparently Jamie Foxx can pick up a, you want to get invited to naked basketball. Oh dude, a hundred percent. But I have to get my, I looked into it. Our pubis fat is what it's called. Yes. pubis fat.

You have to get it surgically removed. You can't lose it. They suck it out. Well, I looked into, I'll turn it like working out, doing certain things, eating certain, it's in, you can't, it's there. So we'd have to go get sucked it out, have it sucked out, a rip, take it out. No, they suck it out and then they still, and then they're gonna take some skin and pull it back.

I wanna get it done and then we put it in our lips. Did I ever tell you when I went to the guy, what he did to me? He sucked you off. No, it was brutal. The thing you have to do to get ready for it is, I'd probably have to go through it again if we were gonna actually do it,

but I went through this part. He's in, one I don't like looking in the mirror, naked for sure, at all. This guy makes me drop my pants in front of him. Fine, I get it, he's gonna do the thing. He goes, okay, and he like, show me what he can do. And then he tells me to look in the mirror. I can't, I mean, I have the puddiest of puds at the time

because there's a guy looking at it, and it's not showing. Yeah, he's not lifting weights, so you're not getting hired. I'm not hard at all. Right. And then he goes, so he goes, I think this would help you out

with what you're looking for. He goes, because I'll show you, and he just goes, like, you know, this is how your penis looks now at rest, and then he put his hands on either side of my dick and pushed back, revealing other dick, and he was like, and then it'll be like that. And I went okay, sounds great man. And then I got the fuck out of there and then went back.

I would have done it immediately. If they were done it right there I would have just said let's do it. He's just sliced right off of the buck knife. I didn't have the money at all. He sucked it out with a Starbucks straw. The money was too much at the time. I think it It's like 12 or 13. It's more expensive than fake boobs No, not really good fake boobs fake boot. Well, yeah, don't go to her's done 10 years ago Something like that. So you're right. How much were they? I told you it was a thousand bucks botched job. No She got she worked at the doctor. Oh, yeah, yeah.

She worked with Dr. Kiel. Like, I would give me implants if I asked. I don't have it. They're in his fridge. They're probably just in his fridge behind his pigs in a blanket. They, pigs in a blind. No, she worked for him doing laser hair removal. And the doctor who gave the breast implants,

they worked in the same building, so he looked around and he looked around and she only had a pay for it. I only had a pay for anesthesia, which was a thousand bucks. Nice. Yeah, she got great, great boobies. She's got it, but I told you, she's thinking of getting them taken out.

Just all together? She doesn't want to get new fake boobies. Either she has to get brand new ones or have them taken out. What do you can do like a lift thing now too. No, when she had that about side effects, well, what they're doing. Well, you're not supposed to keep them in. You're supposed to have them like 10 years and do something. It's over 10 years. It's been over 10 years. It's been over 10 years. Oh, yeah, Shannon from Gast Digital, she has a big thing like her's been there for 17 years, I think, and it's not supposed to be that long. Yeah, it's not supposed so she's got it. She's like I think I'm just gonna get him taken out. I'm like well,

okay, so you don't want to have sex ever again You use that school and then it's like what wear a brother rest your life or whatever. It's cool. Yeah Never not wear a bra forever. Just never show me your chest again Because I'll throw up because one nipples bigger than the other. And now they just sag down. If those implants come out, you think there's going to be a straight flop? Well, she had perfect little beacups. Okay. And then she went to sea.

Another stretched out. And now, I don't know what happens after that. If she gets them taken out and she just has regular boo, I don't know what that is. I don't know. It doesn't sound ideal. I don't want to give her money for new boobs. I'd rather get a deck on the tiny house. You don't know me.

That's a real, it's a position to be in, huh? Yeah, I could get a deck, I get two jet skis for the lake. You could probably hire five Mexican dudes, it'll handle all of those things for you. Throw some implants in there, build a deck, steal ya jet ski. Do the lawn. Yeah, A lot of those guys are doctors where they come from. My cousin. My cousin will do

the deck. My other cousin. My other cousin will do her breast damn plan. Give me the bucks cutter. How much? 4500 cash. Yeah. What you got on you? Uh, Jay, your people have to be talked to, immediately. Why is that? The juice? No, they have to, you're a team of people that you've hired, because you're famous now, because you've got new teeth, you've got a team. That's when you know you're famous. When you have a team, you don't even pay your bills, right?

No. You don't pay bills. You have a team. Yeah. Yeah, you're famous. No? No, you're famous. No. Oh, you're famous. No, no, you're famous. Oh, you're famous. No, no, no, the team I paid bills. Yeah, what before the team I paid the bills with your money, but I pay it. Well, actually we split things in with Jay, Jay with thank you. They gave me the coolest week. I made a holy shit. That went through my body. Yes

That's not sure we just put this I mean J. Yeah, split how Well originally we split it evenly and well with three people with three people and then when the roommate moved out You picked up two thirds and I paid a third. Thank you Now I don't wink at that part though. I wink at this part. But now you pay it all with? You're money. You know what Don uses to pay all the bills? What?

My money. Ooh, I like it. It did go through me. I feel that. What a masculine thing to do. Yeah. Don just wanted to get lunch up this, because I'm going to lunch. You know what you used?

My Mula. Oh. So nice. I wanted to say you're welcome after everything she gets. You know, it's funny. I mean, thank you, sorry. Me too, Christine's extraordinarily unappreciative. And then I, she lives a life of unappreciation, it's wild.

Yeah, true, I appreciate everything. She doesn't appreciate anything. I appreciate it. But I do like, I like paying for it, but because when a name of Christine ever does, pay for something at her account, I always just tell her, just know that's like coming for me eventually.

You only have that because you don't have to pay for anything. Sure, yeah, don pays nothing. I pay it all. Yeah, she takes care of your child. Yeah, I could pay something to do that too. I pay it all. Yeah she takes care of your child. Yeah I could pay something to do that too. I'm a pair. I do. I said I pay Christina do house stuff. Does she do it always? Yeah. But I pay her for it. I got to give Don credit. Don does everything. Yeah. She does everything. She does everything. She you know what Don did today. She went she went and found

Deck flooring what did she do Bobby? She went and found deck flooring for the deck Went down met the guy bought the deck flooring did the math on how much we needed wow And then use my money to pay for it the way it's supposed to go you give a little thing there Keep online think I'm a slob because the way Jay talks about me I keep a very nice house the people online think I'm a slob, because the way J talks about me, I keep a very nice house. The people online know you're a slob, because I tell them the truth. I mean, Christine, I have to be honest.

You've been to my house. I'm more like you. I'm more like you. Your house is nice. I've been there. I've been to, I've been to, I've been to, I've been to, I've been to J's house.

Do you know how many, do you know how, thank you, do you know how many, I've been to J.S. House. Do you know how many, uh, do you know how, thank you. Do you know how many eye rolls have to happen in my house for it to be cleaned up right by the way? I'll do the same housework. I do. Yeah, I dive in on these things. You've never once cleaned up diary a dog shit.

Not once. Oh, that's not true. Not once. It's not true, but it may be once. dog is it ours? It's ours. Okay, for sure, but who paid for me So technically it's who paid for it I did So in Accordal Law who questions is my I was gonna pay for it for that reason Wow, it I say her wow Dog mom When we got the fucking thing

Yeah, we got the fucking thing. I was just like whatever. Well, we got that thing word we can't use Trying to find before an actor's a breast implant removal. It's not coming up. Oh, it's probably off the internet. You pay for the dog, you pay for the food, you pay for the bags you pick up to shit with, you pay for the toilet paper that in the paper towel she cleans up the diarrhea with. All these things, yeah. You paid for the getting her fixed.

Of course. You pay for a little outfit? Yeah. You paid for getting her fixed. Of course. You paid for a little outfit. Yeah. You paid for this. With my money. That I guess I only have because of J. Thank you. You know, between staying fast and bonfires, kind of true. It all all knows TV there. Yes, we fair my money does 10 quite a lot from Jake Hey, so does mine An old Dan boy for Quentin Thank you Daniel Not Dan. Thank you. I've never taken a percentage of his money for anything

Yes, you do you take a great percentage of my money and use it for your belongings There is a percentage if you did the math I just open my mouth real big to lose these me all I'm change to this fucking wing button all day Wow, I'm a little wink stuff. You do a great job, Lou I I have a little wink stuff. You do a great job, Lou. Ha ha ha. I, yeah, Don, Don is my manager. Like she does all the stuff that my manager did as far as book my flights, you know,

forward my dates, put the stuff in the calendar, talk to the club, talk to the agent. I should have that for three years with him. You'd completely. I would like to release her from that, I think, in the next year or or so because I think it's too much Just an assistant an assistant. Will you be my assistant? Be my assistant. I'll pay you. How much you want? I'll give you 5% of everything. Yeah

Can you give her a high-rise apartment because I did? I can give her Ike when she dumps you I can get her own studio No, but I can give her I can when she dumps you I can get her own studio Can I have a apartment in the back for me and Dawkins? Yeah, you can you can you can live in our house and the tiny house He's like I'm thinking something in a seven floor walk-up You can live with me and Don if you don't mind those droopy tits that used to have stuff in them. If you don't mind picking up Don's tits off the floor for me, thank you. I can't imagine them living together. Oh my lord.

I'm like a max just sitting up with bloodshot eyes at night screaming. They're not even lesbian, they'll say. They're just here to snore together. Living off their significant others money. It makes me feel good though because I never thought I would be, not that I never thought that, but I always wanted to be the breadwinner for a family. And coming up in comedy, you're like, I don't know if I'm ever going to be able to do that. And all of a sudden, you're just just there and I'm like, I pay for everything. There's nothing that goes into this family.

Not the- And do you feel Dawn like heavily appreciates that every day? At 100%. No. No. 100% no. No, 100% no. But don't boys like to pay for everything?

So that I do? Yes, we do. Boys love paying for stuff. I love the way you say boys. Like it does something. Thank you guys like to do everything for us. We're just... Not true.

We're just girls. We can't do it ourselves. That's right. Listen, you are stupid feeble creatures, but besides that. You can't carry more than two bags of groceries at a time. You're weak bitches. You look ridiculous and almost everything you do. Yeah, try to open that jar of pickles by yourself. It's fun. Oh yeah, your things are gonna expire before you

get them open with those girl rests. You can tap it with a knife, you know. I taught you that also. No, my father taught me that. No, he didn't. He's a man too. Yeah, my dad's a man. Also a man. I am. Yeah, no, I don't think, I think she does, but Dawn, she does a lot. I mean, she does a lot. But here, all right. Well, I, that she picked out the flooring. She picked out the flooring.

That's very, 100%. She's a good woman. But when she wants something, I just let her go. But like, I have, we have the fire pit, and I'm going down, there's awesome fire pit area, put lights out. It's, so you guys got to come up, by the way, before the summer's over.

Um, you can bring dockets. You can bring dockets. And if you, if you don't, you can stay in the house with us now, it's small. But if you don't want to, there's a bed, an awesome bed in breakfast right there, like next to us, if you want it to do that. But if you don't want to stay, I don't want you guys to feel weird staying in a tiny house. Max is above you. We're not going to get any sleep because these two

Then we're snoring. Yeah, Max is gonna hang himself from his fucking his elevated bunk But we have this awesome fire pit and I kept buying gas station firewood So I'd have to go down by it. It's seven bucks a bundle So I called up the wood guy and I don't know shit about that. I said, yeah, give me a quarter wood. And he was like, all right. And he just shows up with a truck. And I go, cool, which, which part is mine? He goes all of it. You didn't know what the cord was. He dumps the cord onto my property. And I bought this little four by four wood holder. You didn't know I was gonna be the side of your house

completely. Dude, it's the side of the shed. Of course. So I filled up my little four by four thing and then I had to stack all this other wood on the back of my house. I have enough wood for like seven years. A quarter woods a lot of wood.

I remember I learned that I learned that when I went to my dad's one year for like Christmas time. When I wake him up and he was like yeah, I'm gonna we're getting wood delivered. That's why you stack it. It was like firewood. So again in your mind you're like, what's that?

30 pieces of wood maybe like man. No. They just and they dump it on your driveway. They do. And then you just got to stack wood for three hours. I stacked it by myself and I built a little platform out of other woods. See, when the guy cut all the trees down in my property,

he left all the wood for firewood. He goes, yeah, you can use this for firewood. So I went and I bought an electric chainsaw. And I'm like, I, cut this up one day. It's still there. And I... The chainsaw looks beautiful though. The guy with the chainsaw, I go, I don't know how to really do this.

He goes, well, you got to mix the oil and the gasoline and blah, blah, blah, and do this. What? And I went, I go, it's electric. He goes, what? He goes, oh, just plug it in. Just plug the oil in the thing and just go to town So you Sounds fun though, but I also think again. That's where my lack of manly comes in

Where I think once it hits the wood and start making noise I'll go like ooh Make noises like that. Well some Somebody's getting in my eyes. I pushed out of it because the guy who built my land barry who I love He's just a man He goes just be careful the kick back I'm like, what's that he goes a little kick back and hit your face Thanks bear. Yeah, thanks dude. I just never touched it never touched understood Yeah, so I just had wood delivered like I have

Five cords of wood on my property that is free, but I paid $180 for a quarter wood. Because you don't want to learn how to chop? I just got a little, I think this week though, I'm going to man up and do it, maybe take a nice change out of the face. What's that? This is implanted. That's dawn.

Wait a minute, which one's which? That's before, that's after. That's not going to be the case. You should have dawn. The left one is dawn and then get a picture of Tignitaro. But I'm sorry. I put that up. What they're what they're doing is also not on the double mastectomy joke. We can say that word right. These aren't all breast and play removal photos. That's what I should call dawn. I should

never call in see what she's gonna do., that's in plate removal. Well, they remove them and then they lift them right the lift. That's what I'm saying Yeah, that's what they do it. Yeah, but she's going though. That's that's a big those are big Mm-hmm dawn had small boobs. Okay. Yeah, you're gonna show me a beak. You get she went up So I mean I would like a beat of this see dude, I don't know if that's gonna be the case. That's a little bigger. That's like a C to a D. A D to a C. Is it a D?

I'm going down, yeah. Jacob. Relax, Jacob. It's just press. You gotta calm down, buddy. It's boobs. This is medical, man. Like right there, not down, one more down.

That, so we're looking at before and after photos of breast implants. Yeah, but that's not done. That's not good. I Christine's about 15 years in memory of those little flapjacks. I remember. I wouldn't mind like Christine. I like Christine boobs.

If I could say that I'm a lady. So young lady right now. I don't want to make you, I don't want to be me too. And I have to go to HR, but you have, you have a nice, well, they have looked the same for like 20 years. They don't really do anything or go anywhere. But they're going to be pancakes when she's in her 50s. Would you have to get fake boobs? I don't think so. No, you're done. Yeah, I just thought about when I had

the money for it finally, when I told her right away, I'm like, if you want to get it, getting's good now. Yeah. Now's the time to do it. And then she was just like, after all that thinking about it, she was just like, no, I don't think I want it. You know what I want? And then she was like, you really want me to get it? And I had to be like, I went on for a while. I don't care. I went on for a while after. On real self, this is a site that does,

it does before and after for different procedures. And I was looking at it and I liked a lot of the before boobs more than the after boobs. And I was like, no, no, no, no, I just don't really like. I told her, I felt the same way. Dude, the best acting of my life, people say I'm a good actor. I've done a lot of things I'm a great actor the best acting I've ever done is the day dawn came to me and said I'm thinking of getting breast implants. What do you think and I went? Why would you do that?

Why why would you do that God gave you uneven breasts? For reason I oversold that when I did it you did yeah, you should have I look if you uneven breasts for reason. I oversold that when I did it for Christine. Yeah, you should have. Look, if you want, here's the thing I was broke. Also, the first time it ever came up. You know what I mean? I had no money. So when she's saying it, I'm going like, you don't need that.

I go here. And then, but so me telling her, you don't need that. Why would you get that for a while? Was then met with my bank account changing and me going by the way now if you do When to get them know like I could probably help you out with that a little bit But you know what I'm kind of over it. I'm like fuck my window I overplayed that you don't need these things Find big tits in the wild in fact then I can't

I can't I'm so look I'm starting to look at like women. I shouldn't look at can't. I'm starting to look at women I shouldn't look at. I saw some lady walking the road the other day. I was like, I'd talk to that. 100% I should never have sex with that woman. Well, Jay's done that too. With what? I shouldn't have sex with that woman. But wait, what's the saying?

I shouldn't, but I do it anyway. Looks, looks wise. Oh? I said, I shouldn't, but I do I do anyway. Like, looks, looks wise. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. I gotta have a serious talk about sex with Dawn. We gotta start, we gotta start, get making moves. Yeah. Yeah, because my, I think my testosterone is up because I lost weight and I'm working out something happened. Why don't you just seduce her?

Ha, what? Yeah, just do it. What, what, what is that? To do sir, why? What the fuck is seducing? Nonsense. What do you say? What? Stop saying it.

What is it? I don't know what it is. Treat her like you treat new pussy. Just pretend you're an actor. I'm going to choke her and tell her how fucking awesome I am. I guess I'm going to tell her to just fucking like take a dump while I whack off I Don't know what you mean to do what I'm gonna like candles in the tiny house and

Put rose petals on the fucking bed and go and what am I gonna seduce her with? What how do I seduce you how like neck kisses? What? What do you mean neck kisses? She's gonna be like, stop, it's all over heatin'. Yeah. Yeah, I don't know how to seduce. What do I do? I think I have to go the exact opposite way

with her at this point. You go big with it. Throw her like a giant like Dildo and then just snap and point to the bedroom. No, I can't give her a giant deal though because I don't think her vagina at her age will go back to form. Gotcha, maybe a butt plug, something off. No, I've not I can't I can't give her a giant deal though because I don't think her vagina at her age will go back to form Got you maybe a butt plug something off. No, I've never seen her butt

She doesn't like anything in her butt. She's not a butt person. I've only seen one skid mark in 20 something years I've never seen her poo. I it's just not a thing. I think what I do have to do though. I think What she likes I think and maybe I have to get a little aggressive I Think I think maybe I just grab her and hit her. Hey, look. You know what I'm picturing? Hey, Melissa. He's hit her until she's dressed.

She's dressed like a cute bed. I hear. But here's the thing. I just put, like, we have a big lot of land behind us. And if you walk through our, in the back, I made a little path and to there's a stream that goes and I put a bench out there. I put a little bench so you can sit by the stream. You go out there and sit. Maybe I take it out by the

stream. Go come out here, right? Push your head between your legs. No. I take a New York. I'm sorry in New York. Yeah. So I'm not gonna do a little white planes Puerto Ringo you know what what are you doing on the base? Yeah, take her behind a bowling alley put a fingernail Supper taught the Dunkin Donuts parking lot You're a landowner you have you can seducer and I'm a triple land on it. I own three three I own triple land make the field workers Watch no take it to the cliff take it to the club. Oh, take it to the fuck. I Like the cliff idea. Yeah romantic. I hang off the side Well, maybe maybe I take her into the woods in the back on the bench. It's probably think you're gonna kill her and

the woods in the back on the bench. Spry things are gonna kill her. And that. Don't look back. Just keep going forward. My problem is I'm just gonna see a tick just jump on a clit at one point. I'm gonna. Don't you get a Lyme disease?

Yeah, the last time we got, I got dirty, like what is it called? Not violent, but aggressive sexy. Mm-hmm. All of our, I leaned on the, we had a shelf with all the perfume on it. Her perfume in my cologne, and I leaned on it, and the, both shelves fell, and a hundred bottles of perfume and cologne smashed on the ground.

That's not fun. What did you lean on the perfume shelf? Because I was injured. I wanted to be aggressive. Yes. It's trying to give her what the book she reads. Can I? Can I choke out? Yeah. I don't know far furniture and shelving support aggressive sex either

You know what's hot and I picture you doing what you and a fucking G string Yes, yeah you with you with a necklace put that on it's a normal maxes out. Yeah, Max is out. Okay. I got this I'm in Max is out. He's at kids home during the day doing domesticated things Yeah cleaning unlike Christine Cleaning cooking no she's folding she's at the she's at the washing machine So she's downtown. She's downtown. We have a tiny house She's downtown in Ashland doing She's dawning out clothes in a stream

downtown in Ashland doing the she's dawning out clothes in a stream yeah she's hanging stuff on the clothesline in the backyard she's cleaning clothes like a wattoutsy you come you you you see your wife she's just doing the laundry yeah she doesn't think anything of it because it's a normal this is this is this is their life switch it up to switch it up

to doing dishes she's doing dishes This is this is this is their life switch it up to switch it up to do in dishes She's doing dishes. It's going to you nice dinner. Yeah, you know what? Can't do it sometimes before it has to be before dinner because I do dinner. Yeah, we too He's also you might have to dump depending on how much yeah, yeah, cuz I cuz I have those thing I'm really just so she's just So not saying One night stands are so sexy. I'm forgetting what I was going for now. You've amended

this so many times. I'm sorry. We're trying to help you out. So when she's doing all right. She's cleaning. She's wearing dirty sweat pants. Yeah, she's wearing pants are hot. Sweepads are hot. Not these ones. Yeah, these say squalm lake on. She's a cattour. Yeah. I just, she's a squalm lake. Oh great, you're a squalm lake

sweats again. Those haven't fit in a long time. I just ordered two new pairs of lounge pants because like literally the sweatpants I wear are just like ripped in the thigh and the knee. So I'm thinking airports sweats that drive me nuts. I'm just like ripped in the thigh and me. So I'm thinking airport sweats. It drive me nuts. I'm gonna see women at the airport. Okay, so she's in sweats. She's doing the dishes preparing stuff. Right.

And she's been in mom mode all day taking care of your son. Yeah, he's at camp. And it's time you make her feel like your wife. Okay. She's doing the dishes in her own world, because this is just my not any of doing dishes. Doing dishes every day.

Yeah, and then you see her from behind. I see her from behind. And you walk up and you grab her by the waist. Okay. You say, you know what? Yeah. You're not a mom right now. You're my wife.

Yeah. And you take her right there by the, she she she drops the dishes right drops the dishes and I hand her hands are wet hands are wet and soapy yeah yeah yeah and I don't know after that I'm after that hold on yeah after that yeah I mean can I get a little more explicit because this is your this is your wife talking about it. I respect you for asking, but yes, go ahead. I give your permission. All right. I mean, after what you said about me? Yeah.

Yeah. What if Jacob goes, is he got okay? You go, you go, you go. You cram your cock right now and fucking shitter. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I would hang in there from behind, then she took it out and put it in her ass. Jacob, so much. Christine.

The fuck? All right, go ahead. I was banging her from behind and she took it out and put it in her ass. I was just so much. Christine. The fuck? Alright, go ahead. Christine's was a while. I was just retelling what I had. I focus focus. Go ahead. Don't start thinking about Christine.

Think about it. Yes. But it's as hot as... Alright, go do it. Do it. Do it. Do it. Okay, go ahead.

Uh, yeah. You said you tell her? Yeah. Okay, got it. You said you tell her, keep doing the dishes. Don't turn around. You take your waste, you undo the drawstring on it, sweatpants, you pull it down, and then you press into her. That drawstring's been useless for you. Yeah, it's fire angles now. It's a double knot, you can't get it out.

Go ahead, yeah. You drop her sweatpants drop. She said, Bobby, what are you doing? Shh, keep doing the dishes. Yeah, yeah. And then pressing her and she feels that she's your wife right now. Yeah, this isn't this isn't mom. Yeah. This is a dawn in Bobby. Yeah. When they met. Yeah. And I and I years ago. Yeah. And then I

think about in my head, I'm like, I picture having a penis. So I can keep that, my penis hard. Yeah, this is spicy. Yeah. Can I show you why this plan falls apart for me and Christine? I tell you why, because she looks up and she goes, look a hummingbird. And there's a hummingbird in the hummingbird feeder. That's what you're, that's what Dawn would say.

Let me show you the problem with Christine. I was going to say you asked her to sit on a bench press yeah oh well you're watching you're right you right I promise you this Jacob I'm gonna try this I'm gonna try this I do think in the next two weeks I'm not gonna see this week because I might not have time maybe a lot of things to do but in the next two week weeks I'm gonna try that I think it's gonna try it I lot of things to do. But in the next two weeks, weeks, I'm gonna try that. I think it's gonna work. I'm gonna try it. I swear to God, I'm gonna try it.

You gotta catch her off guard. I know I'm gonna catch her off guard. Can I show you why this play falls apart in my household? Please. Christine, would you come over here for a moment, please? And let's just play a little role play here. You're gonna be doing some dishes, and I'm gonna do what Jacob said.

Can I say, I thought mine was hot, my story was hot. It was very hot, I'm talking why this doesn't work here. Because the dishes part, doing the dishes and I'm gonna do what Jacob said. Can I say, I thought mine was hot. My story was hot. It was very hot, I'm telling you why this doesn't work here. All right, because the dishes part, doing the dishes part. No, no, no, see she's doing the dishes. All right, she's doing the dishes. Look, she's doing the dishes. I'm liking it.

Do you remember the microphone? Do you remember the microphone? Her pantomime is painting a house. I was just, we have a dishwasher. Sorry, I have a dishwasher. I think I, exactly, do that. Do it some dishes. I'm liking this already. I can doing wax on wax off. She's doing the dishes.

She's putting the dishes in here. Oh my god. I've never heard of it. I've never heard of it. I've never heard of it. I've never heard of it. I've never heard of it. I've never heard of it. I've never heard of it. I've never heard of it. I've never heard of it. I've never heard of it. I've never heard of it. I've never heard of it. I've never heard of it. I've never heard of it. I've never heard of it. I've never heard of it. I've never heard of it. I've never heard of it. I've never heard of it. I've never heard of it. I've never heard of it. I've never heard of it. I've never heard of it. I've never heard of it. I've never heard of it. I've never heard of it. I've never heard of it. I've never heard of it. I've never heard of it. I've never heard of it. I've never heard of it. I've never heard of it. I've never heard of it. I've never heard of it. I've never heard of it. I've never heard of it. I've never heard of it. I've never heard of it. I've never heard of it. I've never heard of it. I've never heard of it. I've never heard of it. I've never heard of it. I've never heard of it. I've never heard of it. I've never heard of it. I've never heard of it. I've never heard of it. I've never heard of it. I've never heard of it. I've never heard of it. I've never heard of it. I've never heard of it. I've never heard of it. I've never heard of it. I've never heard of it. I've never heard of it. I've never heard of it. I've never heard of it. I've never heard of it. I've never heard of it. I've never heard of it. I've never heard of step. Christine do the goddamn dishes All right, Christine. I'm gonna give you something to focus on I want to give you something to focus Get back to the dishes you you're renting dishes off putting into a dishwasher Okay, now Christine focus. It's not ticklish You're my woman. I'm your man I'm grabbing your waist out, you're tickling me. Someone come spot this. I'm sexually, you gotta put your arms up.

You're doing laundry. You can't grab my hands. Have this in your brain. I want you to have this thought. It doesn't tickle, it feels good. Say it, say it. It doesn't tickle, it feels good. It feels good. It doesn good. It feels good.

It doesn't tickle or doing dishes. Do the fucking dishes. Don't stop doing the dishes. Stop stopping the dishes. I'm being sexy right now. It's possible. The only way you can fuck her like that is you're a clown and making people laugh gets you hard.

Exactly. I have like blow on my thumb to make my dick get hard or something. It's a whole circus routine. You have to show up in a small car. Christina's allergic to touch. Not a good touch, it's my belt line. What is that? What is that?

It tickles. Oh my god, we'll go. The whole E-Rod zone. You can't go near it. She goes, I guess. If you go, if you touch, if you're eating or box E-Rodged Zone. You can't go near it. She goes like, If you go, if you touch, if you're eating her box

and you put your hands around the ground, she goes, it's like, it's just gonna knock a veneer out. I'm terrified, eat her pussy. She's gonna knock it up. She's gonna knock it up a near. She's gonna knock one of the eights.

She's gonna knock one of the eight or six. My six and eights. Wow. Yeah, Dawn doesn't, I don't think Dawn has that. I think I'll be all right. Dawn doesn't have tickle mode. That's what I think it's gonna work. You're such my butt. What?

Who's my butt or like below, like the side? As you can see right there. I can't just grab her butt cheeks and spread them apart and be like, look at that asshole. You're my lady. I just don't know. Here's the thing. So I do this. Jacob, I take your little squam like sweatpants down. They were already falling down. I grabbed because he has no ass. I take him down and then I, I just do I, do I touch something, do I put it right in? You let her feel that you're a super attractive

to her right now. So I have to get Jay's doctor to come over and hold my fat back so my penis can feel it. I do something to come, do that on either side of your penis. You have made me feel it. So I have to be hard first. Not necessarily, but you have to yeah You have to grab her grab to let her know that you're roused and then but you have to put her your arms around her you have to

You have to caress her while she's doing the dishes. So I'm in her ear. I'm in her ear Yeah, I mean it's it's close and I lean into dawn may I and she goes what do you yeah? It's close and I lean into Don may I and she goes what do you yeah? Oh? On me. Yeah. Oh show me on Bobby please Christy. Okay Okay, so I'm gonna be done. So Max is coming home He'll be home around three. I got to pick him up a camp and then I'm gonna I had the guy Go and get the lumber for the for the deck and he's gonna drop it off What are you oh my god? What are you doing?

Nice job. Okay, listen oh What do you Jacob Jacob Jacob Jacob and be in Bobby Someone would have gotten the microphone next to his gay mouth. Wow holy shit Shit he went for it. You're the coming of character and you're phenomenal actor. We all know I mean dude Christine's ready to try again Jacob is hot Jacob is a man. I took Bobby's business. He didn't know how to react Jacob is he needs a woman

This guy's got a lot of Maybe you should have Jacob do it. Yo, you're my lady. You're my skirt. You're the fuck up. Dude, that would discourage me if my Jake cackled every time I touched. I mean, it's... Yeah, Christine comes with a set of problems

Jacob was here right Jay Jacob knows was he's he's been he's been waiting for the day I really put I really put my arms around I mean maybe you saw I know I saw you put the moves on Bobby I had a bag out of that. Bobby came out of character. Where's the cut? Cut, cut, cut. That's crazy what we just did. I just don't know if that movie shit, I think I feel like

when you do that shit, we're pretending to do something that we saw as done somewhere in some stupid movie. Sure. You know what I mean? 100% in fact, I already know what movie that I got that from. Where? Because it was always in my head. It's a porn scene called Christine Giggles or Way out of line.

But you're in, the movies it always works. I just feel like, yeah, if I go up behind her, you guys can maybe mold clay together like ghost. Yeah, if I have to die, I'm gonna have to do that. Yeah, yes, eventually you will have to die. Well, the last time we had good sex was New Year's Eve. I told you about this this year, this year. Okay. And we had it. We were just like, look, we're having sex tonight. It was like that like Max is gone We're gonna have sex we're having dinner when I have sex and I'm gonna watch a movie And she was like we should have sex first because we're gonna have dinner and we'll too and we'll be gassy

That's life Jacob that's that's life That's the thing they don't show you in the fucking movie or the TV show That's life. That's the thing they don't show you in the fucking movie or the TV show. You know, they show, people at a bar on a date, then they go to a bar, they get shit face, they go back and throw each other around. They don't show the chick tootin'

or the queefs and the farts and the smell. The queefs are not, that's sex related. I don't like it. On a night of drinking maybe some vomit. For you, yes. Don doesn't do that, thank God. I love this fucking clean up her puke and dog diarrhea with the money the J bought. I just, you know what I mean? Like we did that. We had sex. And then we had, it was like early evening sex. We had sex in the bed.

It was good. I'm good. Try my method. I'm going to try your method. I'm going to, in the next two weeks, what can happen? She's going to sneak up behind her and have her. I'm going to go behind her, and I'm going to say today, you're not my wife. And I'm going to reach down and untie that double knot

under a squirm like sweat pants. Let them fall to the ground. You know the plastic on the ends is gone. It's hard to feed it back through. It's true. I'll tie a knot on it first on the ends. You might like lick your fingers and twist the bottoms up so you can try to maybe feed it through the small, little area. I'm going to piece a tape and I'll wrap it around the end end I'll burn the end of it. I'll make it I'll make a new one or you can go like a nail file Mm-hmm or something and really like you can work that knot out. I can work it out

And then I'll probably get her wet. Yeah, get a nice and juicy. Oh my god. I could tie these tighter for the first time in 20 years Oh my god. Oh my god. We did have sex in the tiny home, but it was kind of fucking weird. Come on, did it almost tip over? Yeah. We couldn't bang up in the bedroom because the ceiling's too low. Oh yeah. So we had to bang in the living room,

which was, you know, there's no shades. It's just Jesus light coming through, you know? And man, a daytime, like bright like bright like daytime I could Fucking the daytime I guess but if like the curtains are closed this that with the bright sun outside holds no allure to me I don't like yeah, it's just a different vibe when it you know 12 in the afternoon Daytime yeah, you like daytime sex, but with the sun with the sun coming through like bright daytime Yeah, really with the sun coming through, like bright daytime. Yeah.

Really? I don't like that at all. I guess it's a preferred night, but I like daytime. I don't like to see all the different colors of a vagina. Even in a hotel room I notice, because I'll open my curtain before I leave the room at night. So when you come home, depending on where you're at, what city to walking into a hotel room

with the window open at night is beautiful. During the day, you see the scuzz city wherever you're at. He's like, ugh. We don't even, like we used to make out. Like I love kissing was my favorite. I mean, I love making out. But we don't even make out anymore. Like, I don't know what, like as you get older you stop sucking each other's tongues.

It's a weird thing. Oh, you fuck. Yeah, kind of, but not real. Like, I feel like because of the kid, and we got out of, we got out of mode, sex mode, where you're kind of doing the thing. Like it's usually kissing and then it like, you know, the four play and then you kind of,

you do me and then I'll do you for a little bit then you have sex and then you done and then you talk a little then you could get some food. You know what I mean? Usually the way it is. But like even the making out, like we don't, I used to love making out and Don kiss is good but we don't kiss that much anymore.

I don't know why. I think it's, I do know why. I think it's the kid. I think having the kid around all the time, which I love Max. I love that he's there all the time. But. But it slowly stopped us from doing the things.

I don't know what it is. I don't know. The older you get, you just stop making out. Sure. Yeah. And I love making out. I love it. You think of many situations. Christine, blink when you stare at me. I don't know if you're into this or you think I love making out. I love it. I think of many situations. Christine Blink when you stare at me

I don't know if you're into this or you fucking think of my asshole She's gonna say that we don't make out either which we really don't but I fucking you don't make out no but fucking like We make out, but do you do you like making out? Do you miss it? Yeah? Oh that hurt what that little? Yeah, I miss a lot of things. Do you miss me? What do you miss Jay? Yeah, oh that hurt what that little yeah, I miss a lot of things Do you miss me? What do you miss Jay? You don't want that list? You miss all of your money me drunk getting pussy at a bar Me really just one thing he misses Is that No, I don't miss Christine drunk. If don't went or oh god if we were up in the hamstrings

She's got drunk at a pub and came back with some the hamster bitch I make my own Dormats Give me your chat your wife's to get some chowder for me. Dude. I make a dormat with a snake on it You'll lay your batch on my cans. Be free, a die. Oh God, I don't know what I do. I brought home Sally.

You the makeup? Well, again, makeup also. When you also love doing it, it was like the pre-cur- It was like, it could have been just the thing of the night. Do you know what I mean? Like there was a point where I was like, oh, maybe we're just gonna make out plants all it goes. Yeah, I used to just make out like in New York,

I meet girls going the park, just make out on a bench. I used to make out all the time, walk in a girl home in New York City and get in her place and just make it out with her and I remember that. Because if you're good at it, if you're good at it, you're like making, but you're just making a stamp on the night and you're like, you know, when you leave you go, that was a good, like she had a good time.

But you could also you wouldn't just made out feverishly girls. I have a good time. Girls need an excuse. Most girls just need you to give them the excuse to go further. They don't want to be a whore. They don't, they them the excuse to go further. They don't want to be a whore. They have the same feelings as we do. They want to have sex, but they're like,

they set those boundaries. But if you can make out good, you can kind of get them past that boundary of, and where they're like, let's just go. Come up. When you get that invite up, I don't even mind the just make out. Or it was somebody you're gonna like see again.

Sure. You know what I mean? The just make out because I, I feel like I'm a pretty good kisser. And I feel like that's one that'll send you away. Where you're like, they're probably gonna be. Yeah. They're gonna wanna have.

Yeah. Yeah, just make it out. They go inside and then say they just closed door behind. I think they're closing door behind, looking up at the sky. Oh my god, that was great. They're like, what did that fat shit eat? I think it's in my mouth now.

Did you really ever just make out with girls? It doesn't really seem like you're deal. Sure, sure. I did. Of course. Through my life, that's a wacky thing. You think I fucked every human being I've ever kissed? That's crazy.

Christine, answer please. I mean, pretty much. Yeah. Really? Yeah. Strike here is a make out. You didn't you never really dated because you were married. So it seems like all of your all of your hookups were like to have saddies. You got here. Yeah, but sometimes that wouldn't like happen. You know, I mean like you'd hang out with someone they'd make out and they just go their way. I think I only made out with one guy that I didn't sleep with. Your trash garbage. But, uh, that's such a slutty thing to say.

I really do. If I kissed you, I sucked you. I mean, pretty much. Hey, everybody, thanks for listening. That was just a portion of our actual Sirius XM radio show. If you want the whole thing, go to SiriusXM.com slashbombfire for a special offer. That's right, and go to bigjcomedy.com and robbercallylive.com to check out our standup dates coming to a city near you.

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