The Daily Show: Ears Edition - Charlamagne tha God Torches the Democrats’ Weak Messaging | The Daily Showography of Jeff Bezos

Episode Date: July 3, 2024

Charlamagne tha God stops by to let Democrats know they are fumbling the messaging battle against Republicans and implores them to speak like normal people. Plus, The Daily Show presents the story of the most powerful nerd in history: Jeff Bezos. See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Hey everybody, John Stewart here. I am here to tell you about my new podcast, The Weekly Show, coming out every Thursday. We're going to be talking about the election, earnings calls. What are they talking about on these earnings calls? We're going to be talking about ingredient to bread ratio on sandwiches. I know you have a lot of options as far as podcasts go, but how many of them come out on Thursday? Listen to the weekly show with John Stewart, wherever you get your podcast. You're listening to Comedy Central. Hey there, it's Michael Costa.

The Daily Show is on a break this week, but don't worry, we handpick some of our favorite recent moments from the show in case you missed him. We'll be back with brand new episodes next week. Until then, enjoy today's episode. Welcome back to Daily Show. We all know I've got great opinions, but I'm not the only one. Studies show that other people also have opinion. So here with another installment of In My Opinion is our good friend, Charlemagne the God. Hey, listen, man, Democrats have a problem. It's not their policies, it's not their fundraising, it's not that Joe Biden started buffering at the Junete party. No, no, the problem they have is their messaging. Or to say a plainer, it's how

they talk. Nobody wants to hear the normal political voice anymore. I'll give you an example. Republicans made abortion illegal in half the country, which is horrible. It should be a winning issue for Democrats, but here's how Democrats talk about it. Let me say it again. Past laws restoring the protection of Rovi weight for women in every state. That's what can be done under this, even under the opposition. Every senator must take a stand. If you agree, all Americans deserve access to contraception, then vote yes on the right to contraception act.

This Friday, June 7 7th will be 49 years since there was a decision made in the in the in the in the role versus Wade question. Why is this sentence taking you 49 years to say? How about try this instead? These religious, nut-ass Republicans want to force you to have a baby. Period. The end, that's it. But I know, I know, politicians aren't supposed to talk that way, but they should.

In fact, before Democrats even worry about explaining their side of an issue, they need to learn something more basic, how to talk like real people. And I'm sure that's possible. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And I'm sure that's possible because you know who's good at it? Toads nut-ass Republicans.

The Biden administration sucks. They're communists, they're Marxists, they're radical left Democrats, they're sick people. There were riots burning down the fucking country over George Floyd. And I'm really sick and tired of the bullshit annex I have to deal with constantly. You see that? You see that? Congress could pay off the whole deficit by giving Marjorie Taylor Green a swajar. Yeah. And yes, I know Marjorie Taylor Green is a whole fool's market, but that's authentic, okay? That's real America. That's what a waffle house sounds like at 3am.

Okay? Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. That's making a scene at Ann Taylor Loft because you can't make a return without the receipt Same with Donald Trump. He is a guy who knows what he wants and knows how to get it The message is terrible, but it's clear when he says build the wall Lock her up. I hate sharks. No one goes. I wonder what he means. Okay? Folks appreciate when someone sounds authentic even if their ideas are terrible, but with Democrats even when they talk about the good th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th that that that that that that that that, thaton thaton thate thate thate thate thate thate that, thate thate thu- thu- thu- thu- thu- thu- thu- thu- thu- thu- thu- thu-a thu-a thu-a thu-a th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thin thin. thin. thin. thin. thin. thin. thin. thin. thin. thin. thin. thin. thin. thate. thatean. thin. thin. thin. thiiiii. thi. thi's thterrible. But with Democrats, even when they talk about the good things they've done, it sounds fake. And I know that they're capable of sounding real. I talked to a lot of these politicians behind the scenes.

I hear how they speak when the mic's not campaign, she sounded like this. Now there may be some new voices in the presidential Republican choir, but they're all singing the same old song, a song called Yesterday. You know the one. All our troubles look as though they're here to stay. And we need a place to hide away. They believed in yesterday. Yeah, Paul McCartney heard that and was like, John got the easy way out. Here's the thing, though. I've talked to Hillary behind the scenes and trust me. She's a real human.

I know you won't believe this, but she can even say a great mother f-h-shut. Yes, I've heard it. The way she says, mother-fixie, Samuel L. Jackson. I'm telling you. She should have used it in public like I'm sick and tired of my mother's husband on Jeffrey Epstein's mother's plane. Yes, yes, yes, yes. Now that Hillary would be at the end of her second term right now. But Democrats only talk authentically when it slips out. In

fact, Dem's had a viral moment in the House recently. It started with Marjorie Teler Green doing what she does best, but it ended with a Democrat. Representative Jasmine Crockett finally clapping back and back. A late night committee meeting devolved into chaos with members hurling insults at each other. It quickly escalated into a heated back and forth after Republican Marjorie Taylor Green mock Democrat Jasmine Crockett's eyelashes. I think your fake eyelashes are messing up. No, no, no, no.

Hold on. Hocke later, fired back with her own personal insults as Chairman James Comer struggled to regain order. I'm just curious, just to better understand your ruling if someone on this committee then starts talking about somebody's bleach-blind, bad, J. their their to to their to their to their to their their their to-c. J. J. J. J. J. I, J. I, J. I, J. I, J. I's, Jococococococockeed, J. I' croc. I'm th. I'm jocke, Jockeed, Jocke, Jocke, Jocke, Jocke, Jocke, Jocke, Jocke, Jocke, Jocke, J, J, J, J, J, J, J, J, J, J, J, J, J, J, J, J, J, J, J, J. I, J, J. J. J, J. I, J. I, J. I, J. I, J. I, J. I, J. I, J. I, Jockeed. I, Jockeed, Jocke, Jocke, Jocke, Jocke, Jocke, Jocke, I'm the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the tre. C. C. I's the the the better understand your ruling, if someone on this committee then starts talking about somebody's bleach blonde, bad, built, butch body that would not be engaging in personalities, correct? A what now? A what now?

A what now? That would be a bleach, blonde, bad, built body, congressman. Okay? And you know what I love about this? Everyone was so excited to hear someone blonde, bad-built, butch-body congressman. Okay? And you know what I love about this? Everyone was so excited to hear someone slamming Marjorie Telegre. Most liberals didn't even care that it was sexist. It was homophobic.

It was body shaming. It was like the 90s were back. Okay? Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes, yes. Now, Congresswoman Crockett had a great moment that went viral because she showed something that the Democratic Party rarely ever shows, and that's courage. Yes, but look, all hoped is not lost.

In fact, just recently, even Vice President Kamala Harris showed a glimpse of her actual personality. We have to know that sometimes people will open the door for you and leave it open. Sometimes they won't. And then you need to kick that fucking door down. That's how you know she's still a cop. She's giving little girls a no-knock warrant. That's right.

That's right, Madam Vice President, kicked that f-doh door down. That's how you know she's still a cop. She's giving little girls a no-knock warrant, okay? And you know that type of talk is effective because conservatives immediately started clutching their pearls about her lack of decorum. Republicans are so hypocritical. It's not okay for Kamala to say, but it was cool for y'all to have a vice president named Dick for eight years? I mean, this was Trump last week in a church with kids in the audience. I don't like using the word bullshit in front of these beautiful children.

So I won't say it. My God, Donald, do you kiss your mistress with that mouth? Look, I know this is, you know is all a little off-brand for liberals. They love to say stuff like hate has no home here, but you could at least give hate a guessroom or something, all right? Let hate keep a toothbrush in your bathroom. And no, you should never hate someone for who they are.

But it's okay to hate them for what they do, especially if what they do is hateful. Okay? Like or not, this is the age of hate. Kendrick said he hates Drake, okay? Yeah. Kendrick said he hates the way Drake walks, the way he talks, the way he dresses. And Kendrick won that beef, and if Democrats want to win, they need to turn on the Kendrick. All right? Yes. Yes. Yes. Turn on the Kendrick. Trump got a weird case. Why is he around?

Whop, whop? Whop! Them fiss up, okay? And good news for Democrats. They have someone who can help them with their messaging. When I heard Republican Congressman Byroned Donald say wild shit about black families and Jim Crow. I knew just who to call. Congresswoman Jasmine Crockett, how are you? I'm doing well.

It's good to see you. Good to see you, too. Now, a colleague from across the aisle, Byron Donald, recently said that black families were better under Jim Crow, which was a period of forced racial segregation. What would you say to that? Yes, I'd say, is it okay for Uncle Tom, Uncle Ruckus, or maybe under this scenario, an Uncle Clarence to try to tell us what it is to be black in America, considering the fact that he is married to a white woman,

kind of like his Uncle Clarence. That would not have been allowed. So, yeah, he probably needs to go back to the history books that they keep trying to take out of our classrooms. Whop, whop, whop, whop, rock' f-feebs. Hey, everybody, John Stewart here. I am here to tell you about my new podcast, the weekly show coming out every Thursday.

We're gonna be talking about the election, earnings calls. What are they talking about on these earnings calls? We're going to be talking about ingredient to bread ratio on sandwiches. I know you have a lot of options as far as podcasts go, but how many of them come out on Thursday? Listen to the weekly show with John Stewart wherever you get your podcast. Welcome back to Daily Show. Next week will be exactly 30 years since Jeff Bezos founded Amazon. Forever changing the way we try to desperately fill the empty hole in our lives while destroying local businesses and the earth. But who is the real man behind the internet mogul?

Let's find out in a new, brand new, Daily Showography. America has always been home to titans of industry. But only one capitalist in history has ever been this much of a jork. I'm Jeff Bezos. I'm the founder of Amazon. This is the daily showography of Jeff Bezos, history's most powerful nerd. Born to teenage parents in Albuquerque, New Mexico, Jeff's identity asserted itself early. I was very nerdy and good student. I like school. His favorite place in the world was

Radio Shack, where he developed an appreciation for technology, cheap garbage from China, and underpaying workers. After graduating from high school as valedictorian, Jeff attended Princeton, one of the best colleges for nerds. Socially, I was a little awkward. I didn't really date much until like my last year of college. Actually, I said sort of a formal plan to date. I had all my friends set me up on blind dates. None of them worked out very well. Yes, despite many positive reviews from his friends, women found the actual

product wasn't what they had been led to believe. After college, Bezos joined a Wall Street hedge fund. On Wall Street, Bezos also found something almost as good as money, his future ex-wife, McKenzie Scott. She would later tell Vogue magazine it was Jeff's laugh that made her fall in love with him. Hey, sometimes love is blind and deaf. It was around this time that Jeff noticed that the world was changing.

Came across a startling statistic that web usage was growing a 2300% a year. So I decided I would try and find a business plan that made sense in the context of that growth. And I picked books as the first best product to sell online. With a quarter million dollar investment from his parents, a garage to work from, and MC Hammercackeys, Bezos launched his empire. Within a few years, Amazon went from online bookseller to Wall Street Darling, to the so-called everything store. Third-party vendors could sell literally anything on Amazon's website,

from stuff to put in your butt to stuff you shouldn't put in your butt, but will anyway because you're not a coward. Amazon was taking the world by storm. And while Bezos was still literally the nerdiest person in the world. My watch updates itself from the atomic clock 36 times a day if that gives you any indication. He was driving Amazon into the atomic clock 36 times a day if that gives you any indication. He was driving Amazon into the future. A future of non-stop growth. How did Jeff Bezos transform himself into a life-size Oscar statue? By using his big, nerdy brain to devise the perfect growth plan to expand his business and his body.

Since starting Amazon, Bezos has amassed a net worth of 200 billion. to devise the perfect growth plan to expand his business and his body. Since starting Amazon, Bezos has amassed a net worth of $200 billion. Money that he's used to make the world a better place. Sure he's spent some of it on a super yacht that has its own yacht and the world's fastest jet, and like a shitton of mansions, exotic food, a prehistoric bear skeleton and some gigantic clock that only ticks once a year. But he also gave back. Jeff Bezos paid zero federal income taxes for two years. Maybe not to his country, but he has given nearly 1.5% of his net worth to charity.

And while he didn't share much of his wealth with Amazon workers, he definitely helped them to boldly go where no one has gone before. Amazon workers have to pee into bottles because of Amazon's stringent quotas, keep them too busy to go to the bathroom. You know what they say. Teach a man to fish, he eats for a day. Teach a man to piss in a bottle while he eats his fish, he only has to take a two-minute lunch break.

Jeff's plan was working perfectly, but there was one thing his plan didn't take into account, that all his success would go to his head. The National Inquirer obtained nude photos of Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos. The pictures and racy text messages from Bezos to his girlfriend Lauren Sanchez led to the end of his marriage. With one stupid mistake, Jeff lost the thing that was most important to him in all the world. $38 billion. Jeff had hit rock bottom.

He had literally showed the world his dick. But soon he would bounce back by showing the world his bigger, shinier rocket-powered dick and riding it to the cosmos. Tonight, mission accomplished, Jeff Bezos launches into space in the first unpiloted, fully civilian sub-orbital flight. Yes, Bezos accomplished his boyhood dream and same day shipped himself into the stars. Bezos had finally done it. He finally made space travel seem uncool. I also, I want to thank every Amazon employee and every Amazon customer because you guys paid for all this.

And now the world knows the real Jeff Bezos as well as Jeff Bezos knows himself. I always worked really hard I was nerdy. You were nerdy. I was nerdy. I was nerdy. That hasn nerdy. I was nerdy. That hasn't changed, by the way. Explore more shows from the Daily Show Podcast Universe by searching The Daily Show, wherever you get your podcasts. Watch the Daily Show weeknights at 11, 10 Central on Comedy Central, and stream full episodes anytime on Paramount Plus. Paramount Podcasts.

Hey everybody, John Stewart here. I am here to tell you about my new podcast, The Weekly Show, coming out every Thursday. We're going to be talking about the election, earnings calls. What are they talking about on these earnings calls? We're going to be talking about ingredient to bread ratio on sandwiches. I know you have a lot of options as far as podcasts go, but how many of them come out on Thursday. Listen to the weekly show with John Stewart wherever you get your podcast.