The Daily Show: Ears Edition - Jon Stewart and Michael Kosta Cover the First Presidential Debate | ICYMI

Episode Date: June 29, 2024

Michael Kosta covers Joe Biden and Donald Trump’s preparation for their first presidential debate in the 2024 election, with the help of Desi Lydic and Troy Iwata. Plus, Jon Stewart goes live after the debate to discuss Biden’s senior lapses and Trump’s overt lies.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Survivor 47 is here, which means we're bringing you a brand new season of the only official survivor podcast on fire. And this season we are joined by fan favorite and Survivor 46 runner-up, Charlie, Charlie, I'm excited to do this together. Thanks, Jeff. So excited to be here, and I can't wait to bring you inside the mind of a survivor player for season 47. Listen to On Fire the official survivor podcast starting September 18th wherever you get your podcast. You're listening to Comedy Central. If you've been tuning out the presidential campaign so far, I get it. It's boring.

I mean, my grandpa is also a rambling, 80-year-old man. And let me tell you, I keep half an ear open for the word inheritance and I just ignore everything else. But the presidential campaign won't be boring for long because this week, Trump and Biden will be rambling face to face. That's right. Thursday is the first presidential debate and these men are going to toe toe. And if you've ever met or seen old men's toes, you know that's going to be a dirty fight. Finally, the American people will have something to judge these candidates on, aside from the four years that they were both president already.

And Joe Biden, for one, he's ready for battle. The president this morning, it continues to be hunkered down at Camp David. He is fine-tuning his messaging, honing his attack lines. He's huddling there with over a dozen advisors. And over the coming days, his prep is expected to evolve from gaming out questions and answers to holding 90-minute mock debates. Mr. President, how is debate prep going? Yeah, that's the most dubious thumbs-up I've ever seen. That's the football player as he's being carted off the field.

He's going to be okay, folks. His thumb is working. But that's right, Joe Biden is holding up at Camp David and doing 90-minute mock debates, although most of that is just him walking up to the podium. And if you're wondering, who could possibly prepare him for debating Donald Trump, well, Joe Biden has just the guy. Attorney Bob Bauer will be standing in for Trump during mock debate sessions, yelling insults at Biden and trying to get under his skin.

You're playing a role. You're trying to make the experience as realistic for the person you're working with as possible. Really, the guy who plays Santa Claus at the Badmall, this is your tru-I don't know if he can replicate the unhinged madness of debating Donald Trump. The only Biden staffer who could pull that off is that dog that keeps biting everyone in the face. But regardless of how he prepares, there's one thing Biden can be sure of, where exactly

he's going to be on that stage. We're getting more details today about how the high stakes debate stage will look, Biden won the coin toss and chose to stand on the right on the right on the right on the right on the right on the right on the right on the right on the right on the right on the right on the right on the right on the right on the right on the right on the right right right on the right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right right. to. to. to. about how the high stakes debate stage will look, Biden won the coin toss and chose to stand on the right side of the stage. Why the right? There's actually a scientific reason. When there are two people on stage, TV viewers' eyes are drawn to the right side. Wow, thank you science. I mean, hey, any news on a cancer cure? No? Maybe whenever you're done debating left or right, possibly? Hey, it may usually be true that viewers' eyes are drawn to the right, but in this case, they'll be even more drawn to the neon man,

ranting about how toilets don't flush anymore, thanks the transgender swimmers. But... gender swimmers, but I do like this coin toss thing. You know, why stop with the debate side? Let's have the coin determine who wins the election. Yeah. It would be so much less stressful than five months of campaigning. Just flip the coin. Heads, it's Trump. Tails, it's Biden. If the coin bounces and rolls into the sewer, it's R.F.K.J.

Anyway, that's what Joe Biden is up to. But preparing for the debate is not the only way to prepare for the debate. Because Joe Biden's opponent, well, he's taking a different approach. Almost everything that President Biden is doing, Donald Trump is not. There are no mock debates, there are no rehearsed punch lines or pivot points. The former president also didn't take any time away from the campaign trail. Tell me a little bit about how you're preparing for the debate, right? Because we see that President Biden is out at Camp David.

You're on the campaign trail. What's your strategy for the debate? Well, this is really the best strategy right here. We have all these people screaming questions. Okay. First of all, no one's screaming questions. You're elevated on a platform talking at people the whole time. And how convenient is it that Trump's debate prep is holding rallies, the thing he wants to do anyway.

It's like when finals were coming up and you had that one friend who would say, you know, I retain information better when I'm high. You know, it's like, just to be clear, that was my friend. That wasn't me. Okay? Of course, when you don't prepare for a debate, you run the risk of losing the debate. So it helps to lower expectations a little bit. Trump appears to be lowering expectations and making excuses ahead of the upcoming presidential debate with President Biden. So I'm not underestimating him. I'm not underestimating him.

I'm not underestimating him. I assume he's going to be somebody that will be a worthy debater. Maybe I'm better off losing the debate. I'll lose the debate on purpose. Maybe I'll do something like that. All right. Don't lower expectations that far. Maybe I'll lose the debate.

Maybe I'll shit my pants and run off stage, crying about how much shit is actually in my pants. That's how you'll know I've won. But this brings up an interesting quandary for the Trump campaign. Right now, Trump is saying Biden is a worthy debater. But don't forget, for the past three and a half years, he's been saying Biden is a demented moron with the brain power of a Love Island contestant. So, how are Republicans going to explain it

if a guy, they say, has jello for brains, really does beat Trump. Well, don't worry, they have a plan. The Trump campaign and the Trump allies, they keep floating this conspiracy that Biden is going to be am amamped.. to beaaaaaa.. to bea. to be a a to bea. to be a to be a to be a to be a to be a to bea. to be a the to bea. the thea'a'a'a'a'a'a'er of, tr. thiioliolioling. thia'er. thioling, thioling, thioling. the the the thiolioling, the thi. thi. thioling, thioling, thahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahafiii. thaf. tapapea, tapea, tapea, tapeanananananananananananananananananananananan, t. t. t. t. thauu. thau. thau. thau. thau. thau. thau. thau. thau. thau. thau. thau. thau. to be amped up on drugs. They're going to need to goose him and juice him. A lot of Red Bull, a lot of caffeine pills. He's on Adderall or he's on Ritalin. Excedrin that has caffeine in it. HOPped up on V12.

IV fluids. Monster energy drink. Or something. Or something. Whatever happened. What ever happened? What happened to all that cocaine that was missing a month ago from the way? Whatever happens? Look, look, we all know what happened.

That dog snorted it before it bids someone's face off. Seriously, is conservative media now just wildly speculating that the president is on drugs? Could be cocaine, could be adderol, maybe both. I mean, at this point, Fox News is basically my friend's group chat about Justin Timberlank. So, yes, the Republican talking point is that if Biden does well, it's because he's taking performance enhancing drugs, which is just such a stupid conspiracy theory. Because first up, if Biden's body could handle even half of what they're saying, he's the strongest man alive, you know.

He'll win the presidency presidency presidency presidency presidency presidency presidency presidency presidency presidency presidency presidency presidency presidency presidency presidency presidency presidency presidency presidency presidency presidency president president president president president president president president president president president president president president the president. He's the strongest man alive, you know. He'll win the presidency and the Kentucky Derby. Now, just by the way, Trump isn't really one to talk because in the same speech where he claimed Biden is mentally incapacitated, he was going around saying things like this. And my stupid people, when I wanted to refute it, they said, sir, don't dignify it with a refutal. Refutal or a refuttle? What the hell word would that be refuttled? What they'll say? He didn't know refutal or refutal, but they don't know either. It's neither. It's neither of those words. What do you mean? They don't know. No, I don't know what fake word you're trying to say. This dude's entire brain is just squiggly red spell check lines, and then his mouth always

tries to refuttle every thought he has. That's the big difference between Biden and Trump. When they make a mistake, Biden will correct himself, whereas Trump will deflect and call everyone else an idiot, which, to be honest, is more relatable. It's like when I get too drunk, and then I accuse everyone else of being drunk, instead of just focusing on the road, right?

So, thank you for laughing. So, on one hand, Biden's taking the whole week to prepare, and on the other hand, Trump's raw-dog in it, two very different approaches. But which one's right? For more on the debate over whether to prepare for a debate or just to wing it, let's go to Desi Lydic and Troy Awada. Yeah. Yeah.

Desi, you're for preparation. Why is that better? Thank you, Michael. Preparation is the better approach, because it gives you the tools you need to lay out your position, project confidence, and do this thing with your thumb. Because as Thomas Edison said, genius is 1% inspiration and 99% perspiration. Thank you. Very wise.

Troy, why are you pro-winging it? Because I'm not a dork. While Desi was in the nerd zone, I was eating a double cheeseburger in a pool staring at a cloud that looked like a double cheeseburger. And what did all that studying do for her? I can also quote Thomas Edison. If you build it, he will come. He will come.

He did not say that. That's from Field of Dreams. You know, I did like that movie. I'm going to give a point to Troy for that. Now, now, now, now, now, now, now, now, now, now, now, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, I that, I that, I th. thi, I thi, I thi, I thi, I thi, I thi, I thi, I thi, thi, th th th tho, tho, th th tho, th th. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, to th. And, to to to to to to to to thi. And, thi. And, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, what thi, what thi, what thi, what thi. And, what thi, what thi, what thi, what that that thi, what thi, what to Troy for that. Now, Desi, it's a good movie. Desi, try again. Try again. Okay, okay, okay. Preparation gives you the best chance of crafting your answer, all right? And I will prove it. If I were prepping Joe Biden to answer a debate question on inflation, hearshion, thrown, thrown, and toease their, thiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiwomenk, thoomomomomomomomomomomomomom, affordable housing, tuition costs,

abortion rights, and always, always landing on a charming story about a factory worker named Jack. Yeah, this is what I'm talking about. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Do you really want the Queen of Library Town talking about a plan, or do you want someone like me who just says, don't worry, I got this.

Yeah. See Desi, it seems like he's got this. Point to Troy, you know. That is not a point for Troy. What he's saying is empty. Someone who prepares for debate is someone who prepares for everything and that's what you want in a president. Look at this cat that I drew. It has swords for arms, isn't that cool? What, dude, that is fucking awesome. Another point for tort. These cats, you're not selling me on preparation right now. Okay, okay, fine.

You know what? I'm nimble. I can see that being unprepared is winning this debate. So let me tell you this. In my preparation for being prepared, I also prepared a scenario where I am unprepared. Huh? Okay? Look at me. I don't really care about this.

I'm easy, breezy, lemon squee. Okay, let me just stop you there. That was so bad. I'm going to give another point to Troy. I mean, I just agree. Seriously, look, yes, okay, policy is boring. Preparation is nerdy, but this country needs people that are prepared to run it. A debate isn't some Bravo reunion.

It's where candidates outline their policies and platforms, their belief system. So yes, running the country is the one test you have to study for. Okay. to the true. I'm on the right side of the TV screen. You know what? Troy wins.

Desi Lanek and Troy Wada everybody. John Stewart here. Unbelievably exciting news. My new podcast, the weekly show. We're going to be talking about the election, economics, ingredients to bread ratio on sandwiches. Listen to the weekly show with John Stewart. Thank you all so very much for joining us. We are coming to you live. We, we, we, you may say it, we, we, we just watched when you watched. We, we just watched what you watched. We just witnessed a debate between President Joseph Robinette Biden versus former President Donald Robinette Trump.

It was a highly anticipated affair. According to the network, that was running it. The first Biden-Trump debate a little over one month away right here on CNN. We are less than two weeks away from the first presidential debate. Just one week from today. Welcome to the first work day of the most important week of the presidential campaign. Three days and counting. Just two days now. About 30-ish hours. Just over 24 hours. 12 and a half hours. Say the words. It's debate day in America. The candidates must have been so excited to know that they haven't missed it. I imagine old man Biden opening his window and shouting at the street below.

You there, boy, what day is today? Boy, it's debate day, sir. Then there's still time. Prepare the debate goose. Prior to the event, what did the political class believe would be the criteria for each candidate to be successful in the debate? First, Donald Trump. Trump has to show that he's not going to end democracy? Don't respond in a way that the debate. First, Donald Trump. Trump has to show that he's not going to end democracy. Don't respond in a way that the suburban mothers wouldn't like. Don't interrupt Joe Biden. Don't take the bait. Don't look like a bully. Don't get angry. Portray normalness. Can't you just pretend to be normal for 90 minutes? How is that advice for a presidential

debate and not what you would say to your parents when you bring home a date for the first time? Can you not talk about January 6th? And please don't do your Asian voice. I really like this girl. But that's Trump. Surely the expectations on President Biden will be higher. He absolutely cannot have a senior moment. A physical or verbal stumble, him forgetting something. Any of his kind of freezing moments, stay alert, to stay engaged, and to stay awake.

President Biden has to show that he can stand there for an extended period of time. Remain upright. Remain upright. Remain upright to be president. You know, remain upright. To be president. You know, I may be mistaken, but I believe those are the same qualifications needed to be. You know, I may be mistaken, but I believe those are the same qualifications needed to be scarecrow. Tonight, the president must show the country that he can keep our corn safe. But then it was time for the actual debate, and let's see how it began.

Both men came out and...oh, yes, okay. And then of course... Both men are ambulatory. They are both upright. Level one cleared. It's going to be an important discussion between two important men. What are the rules? We want to share important discussion between two important men. What are the rules? You want to share the rules of the debate with the audience at home.

Each candidate will have two minutes to answer a question and one minute each for responses and rebuttals. What the... What can you do in two minutes? I can't even articulate what's wrong with your entire setup to this debate. An ad break to watch a Hulu show is three minutes. What can you do in two minutes? But all right, well that's gonna winnow out anything that might be interesting or substance, but let's begin. We know the bar that's been set up for each to pass. Biden has to not look old and not have a senior

moment. Making sure that we're able to make every single solitary person eligible for what I've been able to do to do to do the to do in the the to do it the to do it the the to do it, to do it, the, the, the, to do it, the, the, to do, the, the, the, the, the, the, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, the, the, the, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, th, th, th, the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the tie, the the tie, the tie, the the the that, all, all, all, all, all, all, all, all right, all, all right, all, that's, that's th to make every single solitary person eligible for what I've been able to do with the COVID, excuse me, with dealing with everything we have to do with what if we finally beat Medicare. Thank you, President Biden. I need to call the real estate agent in New Zealand. Okay, a high pressure situation. A lot of times you can confuse saving Medicare with beating it. Okay, a high pressure situation. A lot of times you can confuse saving Medicare with

beating it. I'm sure it's not something that repeated throughout the debate causing Democrats across the country to either jump out of windows or vomit silently into the nearest recycling bin. Anybody can f-fie talking. Um... How did Bidenfee talking. How did Biden do not talking? How close the police are to him. Almost every police group in the nation from every state. And everybody wanted to get it back to the states, everybody.

And China nothing, and Russia nothing, and India nothing. I will have that reporter out. He should have had him out a long time ago, because I didn't have legislation. I said, close the border. We had the safest border in history. Not great. But a lot of people have resting 25th Amendment face. I'm not a today.

I'm not a political expert. I'm not a political expert, but while Biden was preparing at Camp David for a week, did anyone mention he would also be on camera? On the split screen, is there any moment here that can save Biden? This is the first presidential election since the Supreme Court overturned Roe v. Wade. Oh shit shit we're back baby! Abortion! A to the B to the O to the R to the D to the the repeal of Roe v. Wade. That is Trump's weakest issue. It's been a great thing. Oh he is f-fee-hawed. It's a great thing. Hit him Joey. Hit him Joey! It's a great thing. Oh, he is f- He is f-he-he- It's a great thing.

Hit him, Joey! It's been a terrible thing. What you're doing? It's a terrible- This is awesome. We are done here. T-K-O. No, no, Joe.

Joe, don't say anything else. The idea that states are able to do this is a little like saying we're going to turn civil rights back to the states, let each state have a different rule. Look, there's so many young women who have been, including a young woman who just was murdered, and he went to the funeral. The idea that she was murdered by an immigrant coming into, they talk about that she was murdered by an immigrant coming into. They talk about that. Did you just immigration abortion?

Did you just immigration abortion? I know abortion is one of our strongest issues, but let me for a moment talk about immigrants killing and raping people. It's one of the weakest. Folks, I think sportsmanship would insist that an opponent not sees on opportunities such as this. There have been many young women murdered by the same people he allows to come across our border. So how do we do this now?

Do I take his car back to the White House tonight? I mean, come on. We done with this shit? Do I just uPS this stuff? I mean, come on. So Biden, perhaps not on top of his game. Maybe I will check out this young upstart Donald Trump. Obviously the election is a binary choice. So let me see what this Trump fella is about. As we learned earlier, he just had to come in there and not

be an asshole. He doesn't care about our veterans. He doesn't like the military at all. Probably the worst administration in history. The worst presidency in the history of our country. This shouldn't be a debate. He is the worst president. I really don't know what he said at the end of that sentence. I don't think he knows what he said either. He challenged me to a golf match. He can't hit a ball 50 yards. Does not appear to have passed the asshole test?

See me after debate. All right, Trumper. What do you got on substance? We have the greatest economy in the history of our country. A lot of credit for the military and no wars and so many other things. Everything was rock and good. But the thing we never got the credit for, and we should have, is getting us out of that COVID mess. He allowed millions of people to come in here

from prisons, jails, and mental institutions. The only jobs he created are for illegal immigrants. We had the lowest taxes ever. I didn't have sex with a porn character actor at best. I'm not saying she couldn't open a movie. I'm not saying she couldn't open a movie. So, just so we're all clear, everything that Donald Trump said in that clip is a lie. Blightent and full.

And we were tight on time putting this old f. There's plenty more. Really makes you wonder, what's our F.K. Jr. doing tonight? Maybe he's got something. wait, what's that? I'm sorry, oh, vaccines. Oh, hmm, no, I see, that's, but yeah, sure, there's side effects to, oh, all of them, okay. And a wormware? Okay, fair enough.

He's, Vice President, show running, they donated. Okay, anyway. There was, of course, where I kind of thought we were getting substantive. I was recently in France for D-Day and I spoke all about those heroes that died. I went to the World War II cemetery, World War I cemetery he refused to go to. He was standing with his four-star general and and he told me, he said, I don't want to go in there because they're a bunch of losers and suckers. My son was not a loser, was not a sucker. You're the sucker. You're the loser.

the loser. Shit just got real. First of all, that was a made-up quote. A made-up quote, which I think in Trumpland means, that's a real call. That's a true. But this is about our nation's veterans, foreign policy. This is important to Biden. Come on, brother. The worst our general standing to your staff who said it, brother. The war star general standing to your side who was on your staff who said you said it,

period. We've done more for veterans than any president has in American history. The only sacred obligation we have is the country is to care for our veterans when they come home and their families and equip them when they go to war. That's what we're doing. That's what the VA is doing now. They're doing more for veterans than ever than than than than than than than thanthank you so much. Let's move to the topic of foreign policy. Wait, what? Move on?

No, we don't move, stay on that topic, not move on. No, don't go moving on. Who came up with these dumb ass? And why would any of these people agree to them? The one thing that we did prove tonight to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to the too. the mp. the mo. the mo. the mo. tooom. too. too, the mo, the mo. too. too. too. too. too. We's too. We's to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to too, too, the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the too, the the too, the the the tooomoomoomoomoombue. the the the toooomoomoombue. tooooooomo. too. too. too. Biden's upcoming debate performance was nonsense. A little before debate time, he gets a shot in the ass. They are giving the president some sort of a stimulant. The ADD drug, Adderall, Ritalin. New drugs that are out there that are specifically for Alzheimer's or Parkinson's.

A lot of caffeine pills. Debate Viagrant. Well, certainly there are drugs that can be used to energize a person in that state. I apologize for how fast I'm talking now. I'm on those drugs. Let me just say after watching tonight's debate. Let me just say after watching tonight's debate. Both of these men should be using performance enhancing drugs. I'm sorry. Both. As much of it as they can get as many times a day as their bodies. I'm sorry.

Both. As much of it as they can get as many times a day as their bodies will allow. If performance enhancing drugs will improve their bodies will allow. If performance enhancing drugs will improve their lucidity, their ability to solve problems, and in one of the candidates cases improve their truthfulness, morality, and malignant narcissism, then suppository away. Guess what everybody? They should be taken whatever magical drugs can kick their brains into gear. Because this ain't Olympic swimming.

You know what I'm saying? Oh, he solved the Middle East, but he was doping so it doesn't doubt. There's going to be an asterisks next to his presidency. And by the way, if those drugs don't exist, if there aren't actually performance-enhancing drugs for these candidates, I could sure.. th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, thu, thu, thu-in, thu-in, thin, thin, thi-in, because, because, th-in, because, because, th-a, because, because, th-a, because thin' thin, because thin' thin' thi-in' thin' thin' thin' thin' thin' thin' thin' thin' thin' thin' thin' thin' thin' thin' thin' thin, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because thin, thin, thin' thin' thin' thin' thin' thin' thin' thin' thin' thin' the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the thea the thin thin, thin, thin, if those drugs don't exist, if there aren't actually performance enhancing drugs for these candidates, I could sure, f-shaeuze some recreational ones right now, because this cannot be real life. It just can't. F.

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