The Flop House - Ep. #234 - The Accountant

Episode Date: June 24, 2017

It's the movie that thinks autism is the secret to becoming a John Wick-style super-killer, The Accountant. Meanwhile Elliott details Randy Newman's difficulty with dirty rhymes, Dan exhausts his knowledge of Zurich, Stuart hates Cheerios, and we all make some probably ill-advised jokes about the murder of Jean Smart. Wikipedia synopsis for The Accountant Movies recommended in this episode: Dr. Strangelove: Or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb The Blackcoat's Daughter The Sympathizer LIVE SHOW ALERT! We’ll be at the PHILLY PODCAST FESTIVAL on July 16th at 8:30 pm!

On this episode we discuss the accountant. Does the bean town batboy bring Buffo B.O.? Maybe. Bingo. The litteration can only go so far. Hey everyone and welcome to the flop house, I'm Dan McCoy. Hey all you new listeners out there, I'm Stuart, the cool guy Wellington. And you old listeners know me as that young whipper snap rally, Kaelin, who just can't keep interrupting all these other guys for gosh darn sakes.

Now of course, I'm addressing the new listeners, L.A.s addressing the old listeners, because I'm sure they all came to the yard to hear us talk about the biggest movie in the world, starting with an A, the accountant. Now, Dan, what is this podcast about before we start talking about the accountant? It's a podcast where we watch a bad movie and then we talk about it. Speaking of, hey guys, I got an idea for a movie. Sure. It's a new movie. Okay.

Brand new. It's called. It's called. Yeah. Okay, brand new. It's called. Uh-huh. It's called. Yeah. Call. All right. Dr. Wonka. Okay.

Uh-huh. And the cavity factor. Okay. He's a dentist. Oh, wow. Okay. That's going to be tough. America doesn't like the dentist just as Corbin Burns and-

It'll- it'll also be called Dr. Wonka and the chocolate cavity. All right. But I like cavity factory I know here's the thing I don't look at these gross because it's the name of my Good say no more not interested Or maybe I am I don't know and there's a it's a musical there's one song that goes like this Come with me and you'll see a world of dental sanitation. That's all I've got so far. Dental sanitation. Yeah, because it's about teeth and keep and teeth clean. I understand. With like, there's little like trucks that come by and yeah, because it's

a world of whimsy. So there's little trucks full of, they're called molar lumpas. Yeah, it's across over with Pixar's hit Trucks franchise. Yeah, yeah, and they're hit teeth franchise. The Pixar didn't have the patent on teeth. Yeah, Pixar made that. They've got a lot of valuable holdings, but that's got to be their most valuable one. You never saw that line item in your taxes every year

that just as teeth. No. And then in parentheses copyright picks are. That's why that Pixar movie teeth involves guys getting their ding dong shot off by a lady's teeth. Oh, I don't know if that's a Pixar movie. That's why I thought that's what you said. To the graphics were very good in that movie, but it lacked the heart of a normal Pixar film.

But it did have those Randy Newman songs in it. Just re-exon the genre. No, that's not it. You got a friend in teeth. You got a friend in teeth. You got a friend in teeth. The teeth are in a vagina. That's the song for that one. Yeah, it's hard to rhyme with the vagina.

Is the problem. The song just kind of abruptly ends there because Randy didn't even think of a rhyme. I mean, no, every now and then, the music stops with the internet. You hear him going, uh, and China? No. Love line. That's not a word. I kind of, uh, but where's it?

It's announced for in China. Right. China. No, that's orange. China. Virginia. Uh, um, Chuck Man, Gianione. No, Randy. No, you're not getting it. And it goes on like that for about 17 minutes. Great song.

Yeah, most people only heard the radio cut, which is much shorter. Yeah. So, what are we doing on this movie podcast? We're talking about bad movies. We're talking about bad movies. I'm gonna apologize upfront. I'm gonna make one of my patented dana apologies

for prepologies. What would you do this time, dude? Oh boy. You're getting this both sick. Yeah. Listener's sick. I'm getting a listener sick. My germs are coming through your earples right now.

We're spreading like a virus. Yeah. Hey, finally our podcast is going viral. Okay. Hey, you don't have to be crazy to do this podcast, but it helps. Yeah. That's a dumb job you'll all ever love. Hang in there, baby. Yep. Was that the Virginia Slim's ad where the cat was hanging off a tree? Oh, yeah, maybe hanging off a cigarette. No, you're thinking of what's the movie where the guy gets killed and he comes back as a

lady. And in the postry, it killed and he comes back as a lady. And in the postry, it's like a lady hanging off a gun. Ellen Barkin. Yeah, is it called Switch? Oh, yeah, I think you're right. I was very interested in that movie, Grown Up. Yeah, because it seemed like there was a lot of... This is Blake Edwards, right?

I think it was Blake Edwards. And I think on the poster, she doesn't have pants on. She's just like a man's shirt. I'm a kid. I loved SOB by Blake. It's, I love like a brilliant take down of Hollywood culture. You liked that finally that it had the topless Mary Poppins scene that everyone had been looking for. Her name is Mary topless.

Okay. You're talking about SOB or Switch. I'm talking about SOB. You would be right then. Okay. I don't have to roast you over the coals. So it's, it's sob, that's the name. Yep. The name of the movie is such,

does she cries a lot? Because she's like, like, why are you making me do this? Do Ellen Barkin ever star in a dog movie? Just, just for the pun. You read my mind and then I rejected that pun. He didn't say it out loud because I care too much. He, she know, talking to the talk show people.

But the short circuit is riding Johnny five around. Yeah. She's riding Johnny five around into Johnny Carson's show and Johnny's like the Johnny Carson that's Johnny five's show, and Johnny's like, the Johnny Carson, not Johnny Five. Yeah, yeah, sounds like I'll see in double here, two Johnny's. Why you? But which one do I shoot? Which one?

Forget about it. Why are you in this dog movie? And they're like, is it for the kids? And she goes, no, just for the pun of it. And then she winks with the audience and she flies off on a little Peter Pan rig that she put on before the show. Okay. Oh wow. One of this turned into the moth. So what do we do on this podcast? Okay. So Dan, what are we doing on this podcast? We watch a bad movie and then we talk about it. And what movie did we watch? Did we watch a bad movie this time? Come on guys.

We watched a movie. So I think they're like, we need to really catch people's eyes when they're in the video store. So let's start the movie with A and we need a big star. Let's also find a big star whose last name starts with A. As most video stores which still exist are alphabetized by the last name of the star in the movie. Do we get as modious to star in this movie? It's too bad. He doesn't exist. The two better, no famous art varks in Hollywood. We'd be the first in the row with the get as modious to star in this movie. It's too bad. He doesn't exist. It's too bad. There are no famous art varks in Hollywood. We'd be the first in the row with the video because I'm

sure. Hello. Hello. What are the art varks? Uh, okay. And was he going to be in an action film? Well, I think you guys should know. I know.

I know famous art varks in Hollywood. And I just in Hollywood, Dan, Although, although Hollywood is a PBS character, but it's not there is a nerd who gets mad. Oh, yeah. And then a flex character is a nerd who gets mad. I would have this movie would have been more interesting if it was did start Arthur the art bark. Yeah, animated artwork.

Yes, I stand corrected. One is Anakin Drake. There's one famous art bark. He was recently. Uh, he's been in a lot of relationships with famous Hollywood actresses. Yeah. So yeah, so it's so yeah, he is in Hollywood a lot of the time probably to visit like his girlfriend, Eva Longoria.

Mm hmm. Um, so this is a movie about a guy called Ben Affleck. So is this movie a success? This movie was a middling success. And at least according to what cinema score it was like the best movie of the year. A from cinema score. Richard Roper couldn't stop fucking jizzin on this thing. Three and a half stars. He said quote, I just all over it. He could not stop jizzing. Oh man, you got to take it out of his eyeliner. And eventually he was, yeah, he was so dehydrated.

Too much cheese. Haha. They said, if you were just screaming at the projectionist, to turn it off, you're killing him. But the projectionist had already died from, from, from, from, from, from Gisdy hydration. Yeah. Yeah, it's just like the, the film in, uh,

what's the name of that? Master's a harp, so to say. Greg Remer's, yeah. Like, the film that was the first. One of the two McQueenie wrote Anecool news is which more already yeah, I didn't realize that okay, so Dan do you want to do the plot tonight? Mr. Sikki no, I really don't I I feel like I started about it. Yeah, okay. There's a guy called his name is Christian Wolf. Okay.

And we see him first as a very young kid. Nope. What kind of... The first thing we see is the aftermath of a crime. Uh-huh. A number of dead bodies are littering a hallway, but we don't know who committed it or why. And the movie wants us to ask, who committed this crime?

But really what we're asking is, did we walk into the middle of a different movie? And it feels a lot like I'm watching like a, like a first time teaser trailer for a new like crime shooter video game. Yeah. Like you don't see any faces, you just see like some dead bodies and like a close up of a gun and there's like a lot of creaking sound effects. And then it says rated M for maturity.

Uh huh, not for marriage. No. Uh, so Dan, okay. His neck, So we started out. He's a kid. His name's not Christian Wolf yet. Now what's this kid? Now it's the past. We're in like the 80s. This kid. Yeah, there's much a really scubes and leg warmers all over the place. Yeah, everybody's singing. Let's get physical. And what like disco duck was that an 80's song? I don't know, a packback fever, I think it probably would be. Okay, pack man, it's all singing, pack man, beaver.

So he's got a walk man. And Reagan walks to, he's like, Mr. Gorbachev to hair down this wall in the 80s. And then, And then he moon walks up through. Yep, yep, exactly. And Isaac Asimov is like, I only have a certain number of years to live

because I die in the early 90s. That really, that really grounds it in the 80s. Yeah, it's actually new his own death. Anyway, so Dan, want to tell me, we're in a special setting. Some parents have brought their child to be evaluated. Yeah, the kid is a troublesome youth and they don't say out loud what the what he called his diffus analysis is this kid has difficulty handling handling

probably with hand rings yep he can't handle some like an overload of sensory input and yet he's like super smart super genius with. He puts together a whole puzzle without looking at the picture. But when he's missing one piece, he throws a fit. And it's very clear that he is somewhere on the autism spectrum, which should have been a better name. It sounds like, but I've been a great name. If you don't know what the autism spectrum is, it sounds like a either a spy novel or like a pulp sci-fi science fiction novel, like a CIA scientist Jack Ramacken thought that they were pushing the edges of reality. He didn't realize he was about to enter the autism spectrum, and it's about like a color

that drives you crazy, which actually sounds like a Grant Morrison story, now I think about it, doesn't sound like that. But so he is being evaluated. The guy runs like a home for children who have these kinds of special needs. And he's got a like a little touchy feely solution. He's like, let's study him, give him a quiet place to learn. He's like Professor X, if instead of mutant powers,

everyone had autism-related powers. Yeah. And because this movie, and we'll get into it eventually, to learn. He's like Professor X. If instead of mutant powers, everyone had autism-related powers. And because this movie and we'll get into it eventually, it is one of many movies I assume that I can, I feel like I've seen them, but not all in come to mind, that posit that something that is for many people in real life a disability is actually a superpower. Yeah, well, something that is, can make life difficult, and other people are kind of weirded out by, and either fear or treat people with that as different, or like they're less than human. It shows that they're like kind of a breed apart, and they are like mutants.

It's part of these movies. Yeah. So anyway, and he has a younger brother who's the only who they talk about how his younger brother can calm him down. But then in the scene, the younger brother just sits there and watches his brother like grow a fit and this girl who's in the room who has her own issues gives the final piece of the puzzle to this kid and everything's okay. And the dad is. He's a viewer should be like, that's foreshadowing.

Mm-hmm. And the dad is like, this isn't the right way to do it. He does can't handle stimulation well, so you want to take him away from stimulation. The world is full of stimulation. He's got to get used to it. This guy is all tough love. He's like, deal with it man.

Yep. DW, I am Dwim, deal with it man. Yeah, yeah, he shakes his head all sassy, and you're like, why, what's this guy's deal? And he's played by Jack A. So, there's just extra sass on top of sass. He's also in the military. Yes, I don't know if we know that at the time.

Yeah, yeah, they say that they have to travel around a lot because of his job. That's right, it's a big exposition dump. So anyway, cut to the present. And that boy has grown up to be Christian Wolf, an accountant who is a super accountant. And he managed it. We learned he's an amazing accountant by this couple walk into his office. Just a couple of blue collar Joe's just trying to make their family farm. Older white people, the guy's wearing a trucker hat. The lady you can tell goes to church.

She was probably prom queen, but now she's an old lady. Yes. It's like, okay. I mean, come on. That's time works. Dan, every prom queen becomes an old lady, hopefully. That's a beautiful song that you just wrote. Every prom queen becomes an old lady hopefully. Every

prom queen lives to see her best days pass her by because when you think about it isn't it sad or if she doesn't become an old lady? Because it means somewhere along the road something went wrong some heavy load just mushed her from above probably a Pianny or an Enville. Why was she walking underneath that moving company grain? She saw those orange cones around what she did was kind of insane. Young prom queen, you got a lot of years ahead of you for regret. But isn't it better yet that you walk under a net and not that part between the net and the building where the piano can just fall

Zood the ground. It is it sound that chain holding the piano someone should have checked it a long time ago Young prom green story So it's like stretch motion with his hands, like stretch the song out. Like stretch Armstrong. Yeah. Which is where Lance Armstrong was called when he lied about his stuff. Stretch the truth Armstrong.

That's a hot take. Anyway, so we learn that Christian Wolf is a wonder. I thought that was what he called his penis. Stretch Armstrong. Because what he did, puppetry, the penis, that's right. He's like, wooo. I call this one the torridifonk.

Looks like a hot dog. Yeah, you're just putting your penis in a hot dog bun. Yeah, puppetry. Anyway, looks like a pretty good hot dog, doesn't it? No, don't eat your own penis, Lance. When he got paid to put his penis in a hot dog bun, I do that shit for free all the time. That's where you're full of Lance Armstrong's a genius.

Anyway. I guess do what you love, you know? Yeah, yeah. He died as he lived with his penis in a hot dog bun. So Christian Wolf shows this that he's a superstar accountant by saying, hey, that thing that you sell in your house, let's call it a business. And now your house is a place of business. And the truck you own is the business truck.

And you can write it all off on your taxes which is literally I think accounting 101 for CPAs which is make everything a business expense and write it off. Yeah, it's not the most amazing accounting hoopla but it really impresses this old couple who invite him out to spend time at the farm whenever they want to. And he uses their farm as a shooting range, where he uses a high powered rifle to shoot cantaloupes with unhappy faces painted on them. At an oddly short range,

like so close that it seems like overkill. And it's no test of skill whatsoever. No, it's like one of those enemy at the gates, sniper rifles, and he's maybe like what, a hundred feet away from these caneloks. Oh, the guy looks at him over with his binoculars, and he's like, it's gotta be a mile. Oh, okay, because it didn't look like a mile.

Didn't look like a mile. No, I mean, I think they could pan between him and the caneloks. Also, they're called binocs. Okay. Because that runs me with my heart. Yeah. Now, guys, we're living in a post-wanted world.

It might be impressed by a guy who shoots things and doesn't bend bullets around stuff. Anyone could shoot something in a straight line. Exactly. Let's want it it up. And nobody has a tiger tattooed on their back in this movie. There's no magic loom. Nobody uses a tiger and-wailing bullets anymore. Okay, also Ben Affleck's company is ZZZ Accounting. Because this movie really put me just late.

But we find out is Ben Affleck is actually a super criminal accountant. He's the guy who he's really great at unpacking books to find where money is being leaked from places. Guys, do you think there was a moment when this script, when the screenplay was being chopped around the 80s, when they're like, you know what, we really need ZZ top to walk by and be like, no, that's an account. No, they know that.

Do I think that that happened? Yeah, do you think that I have? Probably they had written in a scene with ZZ top of mind, they just pull their sunglasses down, and they go, too many ZZs, and they just walk away. But they're like, ZZ comes out and he's like,

hey, if you had me, there's enough Z's for everyone. And then the movie comes about Ziggy joining Z's Z top. Yeah, and Ziggy's trying to grow a beard, not happening. No, but they sing legs about him because he doesn't wear pants. Yeah. I like this movie. Let's make that movie instead of the accountant.

Z's Z's Z top. And they're like, we're on the Z's Z bottom now instead of the account of Z Ziggy top. And they're like we're on the ZZ bottom now that ZZ He joined us and ZZ is like oh dear Do you know that Billy Gibbons from ZZ top has a coffee tablebook? That's just like pictures of Of like him and his cars and guitars and it's called cars and guitar I thought I was gonna be pictures of Beards. No, I mean if he's in the picture There's a picture of a beard. Yeah, but he's basically a wizard. Yeah, just disembodied beards of everybody.

Well, like famous beards. Yeah, famous beards. Remove from the people that that's got to be a Tumblr famous beards on their own. Yeah. Here again, a beard on my own. A lot of there's a song. It is the guitar tablet. You're on that. I flew off of the only chin of known. A lot of there's a song. It is the guitar tableture on that tablet. I flew off of the own leech and I've known. A strong wind made me have to walk alone. Sturches shook his beard

to see whether he had any alcohol that can make it through. It was like, is there any more sleeping potion? So, Ben Affleck is we learn as when JK Simmons, the director

of the Treasury, or no, Simmons, the director of the Treasury, or no, it's the director of the Secret Service, or he's the director of some investigative body for the Treasury. I think it's, yeah, I think it's. I mean, the Secret Service investigates currency problems for the Treasury, that's why they were created, but I don't know, I don't remember what he's the head of.

He brings in a woman named... For all the exposition, they don't explain that. No, he brings in a woman named Medina and says to her, oh, you've been working really well as an assistant. Why don't you ever get asked to be promoted to agent? You're the one who's doing all these investigations. Yeah. How would you describe this woman, Medina?

Uh, funky, but a little cold. All right. Mm-hmm. And she, I think she likes flying under the radar because she's got a sketchy past. Mm-hmm. She committed a crime for the right reasons. And she also had to have a gun right on her pelvis.

There's only two situations in which you have to do something for the right reasons. The Ican test it on the bachelor or be somebody who's in jail or is committed a crime. Yeah. Sometimes those are the same thing. And so the K. Simmons threatens to release her sketchy past if she doesn't find the accountant for him? She likes the hero character. Yeah, she lied about the about being a felon on her form for a government job.

And that's a felony in and of itself. So, he says, I'm going to reveal the secrets unless you find out who this guy is, who's doing all this accounting work for these evil organizations for crime bosses and triads and terror groups. Because it wasn't enough motivation just the fact that he's her boss and she needs to do her job which is fine in the account. There had to be another motivation. Well Dan we find out later that there is another motivation but we'll get to the real GTT to that. But up, you want to trademark that real quick? trademark copyright 2017, Kaleonomics industry.

Okay. So that totally just feels like the motivation that makes no sense in the real world, but a screenwriter is like, I got it, I did it. The perfect motivation. Now, we find out that Ben Affleck is, he also has an English accented, basically, Joan Q's Act and Gross Point Blank, but we never see her only here on the phone, and she looks out for him and arranges his jobs, and is advising him always like, don't go

here, go there. He sounds like a Siri. Yeah, yeah, an English Siri. Was she English? It's not in English, didn't it? I don't know. I mean, it sounds like a robot of some, yeah, I mean, the whole time I was like,

the whole time I was like, here's the nationality second. The whole time I was like wondering, is this a computer or is this a real person? Yeah, turns out it's both in the end. We'll get there. And there were points when I thought the same thing about our friend Ben Affleck.

Oh! Now Ben Affleck, we know, likes to go home at night. He eats. Like all of us. Like all of us, he goes home at night, we know likes to go home at night. He eats like all of us like all of us. He goes home at night, but this is where it gets weird. He takes out his one plate. Okay. And his one set of silverware. It's a waste of water.

And after dinner from 945 to 10. Well, you know, whether he's using a dishwasher, I mean, he could be individually washing those with a minimum amount of water needed to get them clean. Yeah, he probably cleans it with fucking hot sand or something. Yeah. Yeah. Which by the way, sand is as a resource is going away, guys. Really?

So call up Anakin. What are you talking about? I heard somewhere that like the world's sand reserves are not infinite and that. Well, nothing is infinite in the world. Love. Good point. It's the only thing where the more you give, the more you get. No kidding. You can world. Uh, love. Good point. It's the only thing where the more you give, the more you get.

No kiddin'. You can't run out of love. So what do we need the sand for? Like sandpaper and sandals and... We use less sand for lots of stuff. Book and beanbare chairs and shit too. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Of course the beanbare chairs.

Beanbare chairs. The beanbare chair industry doesn't exist, so they don't have a problem. The bean bears are like a series of books for kids trying to get them to eat beans. It's little bears, we swear, pop them in your mouth. Who didn't want to eat a tiny bear? Now Ben Affleck, we learned that one, he has an air stream trailer full of priceless artwork

and comic books and, you're like, dope ass guns. But every day from 9.45 PM to 10 PM, he sits in a room and sets a flashing light off and listens to some kind of hardcore new metal or something. Well, he hits his- And rolls out like some real abrasive, industrial stuff. Well, he takes a stick and rolls it along his leg

like as Stuart suggested, he's making cookies out of his leg Mm-hmm, or hits his leg with it and remembers the bad times when he was going crazy His mom left the family and his dad decided to get a little too tough and took his dad took him and his brother to Jakarta where he hired a man to teach them how to be ultimate fighters by beating them up a lot. And that's the set. That's all set up. We need to know that Ben Affleck is now, oh, and also while he was in jail for a period,

we don't know why yet, and learned how to be a black market accountant from, uh, why is his name escaping me from rest of development and transplant. Jeffrey Tambo. Jeffrey Tambo. The man who invented the Tambo ring. Anyway Tamborg. The main event did the Tamborg. Anyway, he learns how to be an accountant from him. And now, he's the world's best criminal accountant. He goes in and when the books are cooked, he uncooks them,

sees what the problem is. Cooks them back up again. Cooks them back up. Delicious books. Maybe a fry's them up. Maybe makes a delicious gumbo stew. Maybe a lot of rue out of those books. Gumbo stew is this character I've been workshopping on.

What does he sound like, stew? Ageron-D, ah-ha-ha. Okay, so he sounds a lot like leatherhead from the Ninja Turtles. Yeah, how does he know I did the last year? Why are you doing leatherhead? Yeah, yeah. Why are people from New Orleans always guaranteeing things?

I don't know, I think there, I believe there was a time where people from New Orleans were kind of considered to be like super customer. Oh, nevermind. And so they had to like double guarantee things because people didn't believe them when they said it without a guarantee. Right. That makes sense. Does that make sense?

Yeah, that's okay. I buy that. You buy that? I think I read that. I think I got a whole swamp full of gators I could say. I did. Swamp out of crotas. I'm a priceless crotas. Made out of diamonds and pearls.

All's gonna, you know, I could make a lot of money myself, but I'm a businessman and you know, but you still belong to my mama and I'm pretty sad. Now she's sadly passed and, Mom, shut up, I'm almost done to my mama, and I'm pretty sad, now she's sadly passed, and mom, shut up, I'm almost done. Okay, so you wanna buy this, so here's the lease off, my hands are no, it looks just like a half a mailbox,

but that's actually the lease to this swamp full of diamonds. I'll get her on the deal. Because I'm sick. That's a good vampire listad impression. Ha ha ha. Because I'm sick, Allie, it's like long rambling impressions or sort of like fever dreams a little bit.

Like fever dream. George Irmeran's novel about vampires in New Orleans. Alright. Full circle just like Michael Palin. Anyway, so let's get back to the movie. So the cut the feds are after Ben Affleck, but he doesn't know it. Ben Affleck gets hired for a new job. but he doesn't know it. Ben Affleck gets hired for a new job.

He's gonna go to Chicago, and he's gonna be hired by John Lithgo, who is the head of a robot company. Called Living Robotics. And here, I guess they're trying to make some sort of parallel between his kind of mechanical computer way of seeing the world and these robots. They're asking, what is human?

But they don't really go very far with that. And John Lithgo might as well have owned a licorice company, as much as it matters. And I'm going to tease me with the idea of living robots, and then not show me Chee McBride with a Stogian as mouth blasts at him with shotguns. Where's a Chee McBride? Chee, Chee. Chicago McBride. That's what I thought it was. Yeah. So he gets hired because there's something funny about the books at Living Robotics, by John Lithgo. And Jean Smart. And Jean Smart, who is Jellith Goes' wife in it, and some other guy. Now, we are also been

introduced in a scene that the movie makers might have thought was tougher and cooler than it was to this mysterious guy played by TV's The Punisher. Yeah, John Behrinthall. Sounds like a name. He played a bad guy in Sicario. Oh, yeah, that's right. He's the guy who she recognizes because the rubber band sees this, right? And he beats up a guy for corporations.

He's some kind of mysterious. He's some traveling sophisticated. For sure. Yeah, who like, yeah, he like, he has a gun. So it's implied that he kills people. He will travel. He just beats up the first guy we see. But in Zurich of all places. Oh, come on. Tell me about it. He can't spell Zurich without Rich.

All right, Zurich is a city. Uh huh. Tell me more. Oh, wow. Tell me more, tell me more Switzerland. Is it in Switzerland, sir, land? Tell me more, tell me more. Is it in the French or German part? It's kind of Italian, but yeah. What's the major industry there, Dan? Not as old Swedish fish. How would you describe what that doesn't make sense? No, how would you describe the Zorak theater scene?

Driving, experimental, traditional, dance based, struggling. I would call it erotic. No, it's on the Zorak erotic Swedish fish theater. This Madlibs turn up. I really started the thing that I started a joke. with a Rodic Swedish Fish Theater. This Madlib's turn up again. I really started the thing that I started a joke that I had no business being in. That's sort of a song, right?

From what? I started, there's another time when I started a reference that I didn't really know the reference. Yeah, so what was that song? I started a joke that left the whole world crying or something like that. I don't know that song. Yeah. So cut back to Ben Affleck.

Yeah, who's that? Is that like a Ray Charles song? I can look it up, but you're just you're having too much fun pestering me about it. You know it. So let's get back to the movie. So then Affleck has knuckled down and has hit the books. And he has cracked open these 15 years of books with the help of the accountant who originally found the inconsistency in the books one and a Kendrick.

Oh great. I like Anna Kendrick. Oh, the Bee Gees saying it. Sorry. Okay. I'm sure it's a joke. The CBBGs? Yeah.

Calcut, Calbut, GuyBut. Calbut. CBG, the famous part, Calbut, GuyBut. We got two kinds of butts on offer. Do you have a lizard butts in here? Read the awning. Get out of here, you square. So Ben Affleck and Anna Kendrick, they cracked the code.

They, in this hilarious montage with a music swell where you're supposed to be like, oh, a beautiful mind is as good as a beautiful heart. Where he writes shit all over the windows. And he's realizing that there's, he's finding patterns in the numbers. He finds an inaccuracy with the numbers and he's like,

Hey, must be the money. That's the solution. I've been waiting to say that all day. You got up this morning. Yeah, I was glad. I was thinking of this morning and then wanted to say that. I was like, isn't it sad that married with children

didn't last so long that they couldn't do a parody version of a must be the Monday. Sad. That's the saddest thing for it all day. Yeah. So really Dan not to date when this show was done but this news was full of way sadder things that happened. I didn't pay attention. I was I was that's where you had a work sick today. Yeah. Mm-hmm. We walked in and Dan said he barfed all over the place. And we were like, okay, let's watch a shitty movie together.

But the weird thing was, Dan goes, okay, I threw up today. I'm not feeling very well. So our choices are the countenance or hardcore Harry. I was like, wait a minute, Dan, you already threw up once today. Are you gonna watch a movie that's essentially a stuntman with a GoPro strap through his forehead, jumping motorcycles at a burning airplane? So, like, before we watch it,

I want you to put me in this office chair and spin me around a part. It's strapped me into this thing I just bought. It's what they use at NASA to get astronauts used to high G's, swing me around in a bunch of times. Like, I'm operating under the theory of the father from the account and where I need to learn how to deal with all these things. Now, the theory of the father from the account where I need to learn how to deal with all these things.

Now the old time watching the movie, strap me into this old time exercise machine that's just a belt that jiggles me. My wife just got her picture taken with some warmth. Here's some warm milk you can drink. Milk, what's that? What's milk? They're like, milk, what the milk came from? Milk. Oh, milk, the drink. Milk. I was like, Mel Mac or Alf came from? Melk.

Oh, milk, the drink. Melk, I was like, what is this? A new thing? Is that some of the kids are drinking now? Is that some of the Red Bull in it? Yeah, I, yeah. Is it the three burials of Milky Yada's Australia? All right, is that another way to refer to,

sorry, I broke. Refer to Sorry broke Speaking of speaking of broke. Uh-huh. This company is gonna go broke if they can't figure out what's going on with the money It turns out somebody was stealing money and then plunging it back into the company and hiding it They've got the suspects down to three the suspects down to three. He just sucks. They've got the suspects down to one, really. And that's, Jonathan goes best friend who's with the company 15 years. Who in a better world would have been played by TV's Matt Fruer?

But instead they got the second best. Some guy or Tom Noonan, I could see doing it. Either one of those guys. How come they've never done a show together? Matt, Fruer and Tom Noonan. Yeah, I would see that in a heart. That would have been great. Neither of them should have to play an alien though.

This should be the time where they don't have to be aliens. No, somebody else has to be an alien. Mm-hmm. That's the name of the show. Somebody else is an alien. And it turns, but meanwhile, so he's discovered that and Vin Affleck and Anna Kendrick start, you know, Anna Kendrick's interesting topic.

Just a little bit of light flirting. A little bit, it's hard for Anna Kendrick to flirt with Vin Affleck because he doesn't understand emotions the same way other people do. Although for most of the movie, he's like just a normal dude, slightly nervous, like slightly shy, but not that weird. I mean, the thing is he is just kind of a nerd.

Aside from the 15 minutes a day that he spends hitting his leg with a stick while he listens to dissonant music, and then the other parts of the day where he reads super fast and puts patterns together, he's just kind of like a quiet nerd. Yeah, like if he snuck onto the set of TV's number one comedy, The Big Bang Theory, right next to Shell Dhar and whatever the fuck the name's in.

And Bindrake. Yep, nobody would say anything, maybe like, oh cool. Yeah, another bang for us to bang. And that's no theory. Is that how the show goes? I've always seen a couple times. Yeah, that's the whole dialogue. And they're like, Bazinga.

Wow, you got that right on the first try, I think. Yeah, well, I've told the story about how I was walking down the street and saw a t-shirt in a window of a New York souvenir shop that had Jim Parsons face on it and just had Bazinga in big letters underneath. And not being familiar with this catchphrase, for some reason I was enraged by this site. And I remember the first thought I had was, am I supposed to fucking know what that means? And it made me so mad that this shirt had a catchphrase I was not familiar with. I like a sleeper agent who hears the word Kroatella in the under bullets comic and start

murdering everybody. Yeah, just like the Charles Bronson movie telephone. I had a vision. That was my activation signal. I've had a vision of you aging now with like, every year you just go, goes by, there's going to be fewer and fewer things that you understand. Already, yeah. And if you're going to get enraged by every one of them.

I was sitting on the couch. That's, I can see that's the future for me, definitely for sure. I was sitting on the couch today trying to build this piece of furniture my wife bought. And no, I only do that in workshops. That's fun. I was building this piece of furniture. I was sort of at a home build a bear workshop and they're going,

so lavish. This is every child dreams of such a bear. This is my husband's workshop where he builds a bear. So I was building this thing and, you know, they were showing some, you know, various politicians talking about stuff. And the whole time I just kept swearing at the TV. I'm like, Charlene, this is a glimpse into the future

of me getting older and just continuing to swear at politicians on television. I warn my wife probably, sorry, my watch at the table. That's what the, I warn my wife probably once a week. Hey, I apologize. Hey, I'm an old age. I'm not getting any taller, baby.

This is as much hair as I'm going to get. I say, hey, I'm sorry, but when I'm an old man, I'm going to be a handful. I'm going to be very angry all the time, constantly complaining, loud in public places. And you know what? I'm just going to fall asleep wherever I want. So.

I already got that last one going on for me. At a restaurant behind the wheel, like flying a plane. Maybe I'm like, I'm just piloting an aircraft carrier. I'm just gonna follow. Just taking bets, Elliot. What do you think the over-under is of Dan passing away in a public space and people thinking he's asleep? Oh.

Yeah. I mean, when are we talking about a park bench at a farmer's market? Yeah, something like that. Charlie's something like that. Yeah, yeah, yeah, but it'll be peaceful. Yeah, yeah, or like a booth of a friend who's with a half-eaten Sunday. Here's...

Yeah, because I eat a lot of Sundays. You know what I mean, to what I'm not for. When I walked in today, you said, Hey, it must be the Sunday, and then you put ice cream in front of me. Also, Dan, you got a lot of life to live. How do you know you won't get a sweet tooth for Sundays Also, Dan, you got a lot of life to live. How do you know you will get a sweet tooth for some days at some point? I got a lot of living to do.

You know what's weird is how angry I get at that one commercial with, I think it's for life insurance or some shit. But there's this lady on there and she's like, I'm only 60 years old, I got a life to live. Big plans and I'm like, lady, come on, stop showing off in front of me. I was like, and I'm like, lady, come on, stop showing off in front of me. And I was like, for some reason, her tone is like, get the fuck out of here. Stop breaking about your plans. She's just like the silence. She's out of plans. Okay. No, that's a great

battle star galactic reference. Thanks. Yeah. The accountant. So anyway, he gets hired by this job and this mysterious other guy goes and tell into millenite he visits John Lithgow's best friend, the CFO of the company, and he says, hey, look, here's the deal. You're either going to deliberately overdose on insulin or I'm going to have to kill you and your wife and destroy your house, maybe the rest of your family. So go ahead and do it. And it's at this point that we're like, movie, when are you just gonna reveal that this guy is Ben Affleck's brother? When are you gonna reveal it? Because we know it's his brother.

There's no other character this guy could be, and you've given us no reason to give a shit about him unless he turns out to be someone important. And there's no reason to put a younger brother in every single scene of a young Ben Affleck. Also, why'd you hire Casey Affleck if you didn't want us to know ahead of time, it's his brother? Wouldn't it have been great just kidding.

It's not Casey Affleck. But yeah, it's like, you made a big point of how he has a younger brother in the last phase. Yeah. Like it was probably too busy doing all kinds of shady shit with Joaquin Phoenix, right? Probably. That's all they do. I thought you were going to say shady shit with women.

I mean, that's was implied by what I just That's why we get you a shit load The shit do you think walking in Phoenix is up to robbing the Bank of England? Come on I thought you were making some sort of reference to the Financial property that that's when the that's when his alleged woman attack happened really when they're making that documentary Oh Well sounds like someone is not up on his Hollywood crimes That's when the that's when he's a legit woman attack happened really when they're making that documentary. Oh Well sounds like someone is not up on his Hollywood crimes. He needs to watch Elliott Kalins Hollywood crimes on E Yeah, he dresses kind of like McGruff the crime dog. I say hey take a bite out of fame

Here's the thing to McGruff the crime dog everybody. Yeah Here's the thing I've been wondering for years. So McGruff was for kids, right? There's no reason to tell adults with an animated dog about crime. And McGruff would be like, hey kids, take a bite at a crime. And even as a kid I was like, how do I actualize that? Am I supposed to be controlling the streets? Is it up to me? Should I apply to the police? It can't be right now.

Are they're junior divisions? Well, you should orphan yourself and then train for years and be a billionaire. Go to the far to bet and become a ninja. Come back, build a crime computer. Well, McGruff, I fashioned a shiv out of this bar of soap. Yeah. Hope I don't have to fight what?

Hydrohounder, whoever darkening duck fights, it turns into water. What's that electricity guy? The one that's the mouse? Mega vaults, was thatwing Duck fights, it turns into water. What's that electricity guy? The one that's the mouse? Mega Vault, was that it? No, no, he's awesome though. But basically, the entire Darkwing Duck Rogue's gallery is my favorite thing in the world. It just, it always baffled me how I was as a kid, I was supposed to be taking a bite at

a crime, because I'll tell you what, I was taking a bite at a Cheerios. That was about all of it. Regular Cheerios? Yeah, I don't like the honey that time. That should, so that makes one's breath smell the worst out of any food that exists. Have you ever smelled like Cheerios? What?

I like the... I like the... I've had a couple of times when I've peed, and I'm just like, this smells exactly like Cheerios. Are you eating cheerios? Is that why you were down on your knees smelling the toilet before? That's right.

I mean, I don't know. Not that I know. I mean, I feel like listeners, right in. Wait, I'm talking about what your piece smells. Wait, Sandra, address your letters. Cheerio piece smell. Dan McCoy care of the daily show with Trevor Noah. 604 West 52nd Street.

So are you are you saying that like your your pee smells the same as Cheerios fresh out of the box or after somebody's been like chomp on them for a little bit? No, just like some Cheerios and milk. Man, that's it. So gross. No gross smellin'. I used to, I sat next to somebody in high school. We did? Yeah. In high school. Okay. They didn't give me that much of it. Like, I was a little bit of a pig pen,

so there's a couple seats usually puffer. To make me feel your dust and dirt cloud. Yeah. As I was sketching, role-playing notes, furiously in my notepad, but there was a girl who was singing makes me who kept eating Cheerios, dry Cheerios, and it was the worst smelling thing in the world.

And I'm a pigbeth. I think we found the source of your Cheerios. It's my secret. Oh, what a brush on the Cheerio girl. Yeah. When she said no, she exhaled and all that Cheerios smell came out. So that Cheerios smell like rejection to you.

That's actually not that far off. So anyway, Ben Affleck in the movie. So he's doing this job. The Jonathan. He gets a rejection in the form of assassins. But while Jonathan's friend gets killed and he says, my friend took his life because of something you uncovered, I don't need to know anymore. Just go, just go, just leave. But that's not the end of it because then assassins show up and these assassins, one of them is a

huge bald guy with the craziest beard mustache combo. He looks like that guy from Street Fighter for who pours oil on himself and wrestles people. It's like, if you were an assassin, and an assassin's in real life are dumb, they're usually very dumb. They're not Carlos the jackal day of the jackal. Yeah, you did a PowerPoint about this. I did a PowerPoint about this at a live show. An assassin, Hitman and An Assassin's are mostly

pathetic losers. And maybe at some point I'll go again into my story about the hitman that was involved with my family once, that who was a loser. But anyway, but this guy, if you wanna be a hitman, you think you wanna be like, escape into a crowd. This is maybe the most- You wanna be like a token McGuire type.

Yeah, exactly, yeah. This is the most easily identifiable person in the world. I think the only way he could be a less like professional hitman is if he literally had bull's eyes, bull's eye tattoo on his forehead like in the Daredevil movie. But then if he had that tattoo, Danny, you'd have to kill somebody with like a cornnut. Yeah, it really has like a peanut or a cornnut that he tosses in there for it and chokes him, which any of us would use a peanut. And if you use a peanut, why aren't you getting the branding money from using a corn

nut? Now, in the day, in the Daredevil movie, because I don't remember the movie as well as I remember reading the screenplay before the movie came out, is there was a scene? Did you read on any cool news? I was working at the New Jersey Television and Film Commission. We had a lot of screenplays in the library. And was there a scene, there was a scene scene the screenplay where he's out of horse race and he breaks the stem off of champagne glass

and then hurls it through the air and it sticks in the neck of one of the kjaki's and kills him so that bullseye's horse wins the race was that in the movie because it's one of the things were to like you think someone would have investigated where that champagne glass stem would come from to kill that jockey like it's not like he just go up is always winning to be invalid.

Did you remember the Daredevil movie, Dan? No, I don't. I never actually saw it. Okay, well Ben Affleck was listening to this because he Googled the account is going to be very disappointed. Yeah, Ben Affleck right in tell us what actually happened. He's loved us up until this point. Oh, he thought it was hilarious show.

Yeah. He's like, they're really getting all those goofs., they'll never touch me. Yeah, the flexor. He's the bean town bat boy. That's me the bean town bat boy. Anyway, uh, where all yes, these are sad. He thought it was hilarious when we were talking about his brother Casey. That was his favorite part. Yeah. Hey, Casey at the bat. Casey, that was his favorite part. Yeah, hey, Casey at the bat. What? And the Batman is Aflac.

Yeah. So it's about Casey Aflac at a Batman movie. And it's like, hey, that's my brother. Wow, guys, we're doing a real tour of our best of real here. Yeah. So anyway, there are these assassins hit meanwhile. There's a subplot, the movie keeps forgetting,

which is Medina trying to track down who this accountant character is. She manages to track him and finds out that she has been shown a bunch of pictures of the bag of his head. So she takes a screen capture and she sends it to her tech buddy and is like, I need face capture whatever now. And they never say to her, oh, there's no face in this picture. They say, yeah, we should be able to reconstruct

this face from the back of his head. Maybe they can do that. It's like an enemy of the state when Will Smith is on camera holding a gift bag and they go, hold on, rotate the bag. And the video image of the bag turns around, they can see what's in the other side and it's like, wait a minute,

cameras can't do that. Welcome to 1984, dude. Oh man, I didn't even realize. So she realized her friends find some video that was captured of this same person, Ben Affleck, killing a bunch of people in a hit on some mobsters, because he's a super assassin. Oh, but I forgot one thing.

We forgot to mention that he keeps changing his name as he moves around, he uses different aliases. Yep. And they're all, except for Christian wolf, I guess, they're all the names of famous mathematicians. So he's known as Lou Carroll. And what was the other one? It was Charles Gatt.

Charles Gatt. Carl Gouse. And it takes her forever to be together. She looks up Lou Carroll. And she's like, hmm, maybe not that. Let's look up a Lewis carol and it's like, do you mean Lewis carol? Like, she's like, okay. And then she's like, wait, he wrote Alice in Wonderland.

Let's click on that. What's Alice in Wonderland? Seems like a charming and enduring work of logic and theologic. I'll read it right now. As much as I love. So Alice had been lying on the grass board. Her sister was reading a book with no pictures or conversations and she figured what was the point of a book without pictures or

conversations. So it's no wonder that when a white rabbit ran by she didn't see anything strange to say anything strange about it. Even when the white rabbit took out his pocket watch and was wearing a vest, didn't see Devonnay, then weird about it then. So I'll read this in my off hours, I suppose. Even though this is technically work research. It's very, very close to the beginning of the house for one who I have. I've read it many times. I mean, I was pretty far off.

You guys know me. If there's one thing I learned about a movie, it's when the movie is like, hey, you're an idiot. Let me hold your hand through all this shit. This movie thinks the audience is so stupid. Starting with number one stupid, which is the concept of, hey, you know how some people who are autistic or on that spectrum

are very good with numbers? What if it made them super assass and super computer fighter men? Also, hey, here's another stupid thing. We're gonna introduce a younger brother and then have this other guy in the movie, but we don't expect you to put two and two together, this guy's the brother.

Hey, number three, have you ever heard of Lewis Carroll? Don't worry if you haven't. We're gonna give you all, we're gonna give you the spark notes on this guy just in case you need it. It's like, and she looks this up again later in the movie too when she realizes that this guy might, there's a voice recording of him because he killed a mobster who was wearing wire and the voice recording reveals I guess some spectrum behavior. So she looks up again to see if Lewis Carroll had Asperger's. The website she finds diagnoses him with this,

which is highly unethical to diagnose someone who was not officially observed and has been dead for a while. All the paintings of him he's not making my contact. Yeah, this has been dead for quite a while. Well, all the paintings of him, he's not making my count to that. Yeah, this, every photograph, his eyes are turned away, so he must have it. Anyway, long story short, these assassins are trying to track down Ben Affleck and Anna Kendrick.

And he's got, he saves her life from some fake delivery man who turn out to be real un-livery man. As in, they want her to be un-alive and not living anymore. They're killers, but he kills them first. Then F-Like is very, he's particular to headshots in this movie. Yeah, it's a John Wick type thing.

He's always shooting people in the head, and I have to admit, the gun effects and everything are fine. They're well done. Whoever's squibbing people, good work. The top of the is, like the action scenes are, I guess, I want to say a little understated like they're not super flashy That's true I give that both a thumbs up and a thumbs down a thumbs down because they're not very exciting to watch thumbs up because Violence isn't a good thing

Like not every action scene a movie has to be raid the redemption or But if it were Mamma mia or like triple X like unglad that been eff like at no point even though it's hard to believe that he's a super fighter at least he's not like riding a motorcycle through a window or something like that or jumping out of a helicopter at any point uh he picks up an echentric takes her to a fancy hotel that has nice towels he mentions uh... and start getting a little bit closer and they tell stories about their past

uh... but not gc's his uh... air stream trailer full of uh... price list art in original jackson paulich uh... not kevin paul jackson public now you have original drawing of dr. Monarch by Jackson Public. I mean, that'd be worth a lot.

I buy it. Yeah, for sure. And he's also somebody's telling it for a dollar. The name you should buy. Yeah, it's a total steal. And she also sees his collection of guns. She is, you know, I think it says a lot about her character that after she sees him kill a guy and shoot him in the head afterwards. Instead of being terrified by him, you know, she's well, she's drawn to him. Yeah, it's like Lorraine Brackow and good fellows. I got it met. I was a little turned on.

And Lorraine Brackow in sopranos, right? Yeah. What's your deal, Lorraine, Bracka? Bracka? Bracka. It's me, Lorraine Broca. You know, when I was filming the serenos, I found that we were at glamorizing monsters, even though that's what it seemed like we were at times.

Lamerizing monsters, even though that's what it seemed like we were at times. We were showing the darker side of things Americans take for granted. Some people don't take for granted enough. Dune, by Frank Herbert, perhaps the greatest scientific ever written. The story of young polatradies, as he attempts to become the co-sets hot rack on the spice planet of a racco's is truly one for the ages is tombro cosigning off up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up decades that he did that show he signed every show off with the description of the book tune. Yeah, he loved it. It was strange. Yeah.

Right. It was a, that was the news for today. And remember, here is the mind killer. I'm Tom Rogan. And they just leave. And remember my name is become a killing word. I occasionally, while I'm reporting stories, have images of a jihad sweeping the universe my own name being screamed as a battle cry my banners flying through unspeakable carnage. Here's a little death within us all I'm Tom Brogog. So anyway, they're on the run together. And this is kind of an anachendric leaves the movie

for the most part and we get back into. We get a scene where Ben-Av leaves Sarah Sleep on a couch in a hotel room and he's slowly closing the door and like watching her and I'm so assuming he's gonna pinch his own eye ball with the things. Well, because he's doing it so slowly. He's doing it like four times slower than the end of the Godfather. And she really wanted to see what was going on there.

Oh, boy. That's what the director said. He's like, God, Ben, I want you to close it slowly. Give me four times GF. And that's directing code for how fast or slow you know. Yeah, that's a standard. Yeah, yeah. So mean what he goes to he goes to talk to John Lutho's wife. She's been murdered. She's got the round hole in the middle of her forehead that denotes a killing headshot. Yeah, Jean Smart ain't smart no more

because her brain's been destroyed by a bullet. I was just thinking about if she actually got shot in real life, I went a horrible, I bet you were terrible. Nobody is saying, but some mob boss must have asked said to get smart because smart got got talented actress Jean Smart was found dead today of a single shot to the head Ben Affleck was on the scene. Yep, they say star of many programs on FX tied of something that was no special effects actual bullets. Characters may be welcome at USA. But bullets were welcome in the brain of one unlucky actress.

Former designing women did not see the design for her own life. As she was brutally gunned down. Yeah, sure. Oh, terrible. Anyway, so meanwhile, the movie is like, Hey, are you tired of NF? Like, I think you are. So let's check it on JK Simmons, the head of the Treasury, and Medina, and see what's going on with them. And they go down to the house where they track down Christian Wolf. They track down to the house where they track down Christian Wolf. They track down to Christian Wolf's house. They've realized that he they found his network of money laundering laundering money through a shitload of businesses that are

all in a little strip mall. And then he gives the money to charity of some kind. Now, JK Simmons proceeds to tell a tale about how, okay, strap in, cause this is like a series of like 20 flashbacks in a row. It's like the movie was like, well, if you can't think of a graceful way to give out exposition, then make the audience really slog through it. So let's start swimming through molasses on this one.

If you're gonna get like, I mean, I'll hand it to the movie. If you're gonna have somebody deliver it, like J.K. Simmons, not a bad idea. Oh, no, that's true. So he talks about how Jeffrey Tambor was in jail because he was for his protection because he had testified against a mob boss. And while in jail, Jeffrey Tambor got to know Ben Affleck.

When Jeffrey, but JK Simmons, when he was a young treasury agent, didn't listen to Jeffrey Tambor's scoop and Tambor was tortured and killed. So when Ben Affleck got out of jail for a crime, we don't know what it was yet. He tracked down the mobster who did it and killed him. JK Simmons was on the scene at the time, failed to stop it and was crying and very upset. And Ben Affleck almost killed him before asking him, are you a good dad? And he goes, yes, I've done every, I'm a weak man and a bad agent, but I am a good dad. I didn't screw that up.

Ben Affleck leaves him alive. Over the years, Ben Affleck starts to become this mysterious voice of information for this agent Simmons, giving him tips on crimes that are being committed that he's learned through his own nefarious activities. These tips make him a star agent and he becomes the director of the Bureau. Bum bum bum. It turns out that much like in the unknown soldier many series from Vertigo, that Garthannis wrote in the 90s, this whole thing has been a test for Medina to see if she can become

the new agent who's in touch with Ben Affleck's character and get the scoops and the leads to stop these criminals. And she's like, he's a murderer. And he's like, yeah, well, he does, he's helped us with all this stuff. It's exhausting. Meanwhile, what's- But then he also explains why- Why was Ben Affleck in jail? Okay, thank you.

Yes, because here's a second, when you're just running your dumb with that set of flashbacks, oh, me, me, me, me, really? The next set of flashbacks, they seem to be about an hour early, but okay, bring them in, I suppose. So the thing is like, but wait, soldier number one, or whatever the fuck they call them. Well, why was the Netflix in jail? Because Ben Affleck and his dad, the colonel, the military man who taught him how to be a super tough fighter

in Jakarta, it seems the two of them, and Ben Affleck was in a uniform and was just referred to as soldier number one, they went to Ben Affleck's mom's funeral. The mom had since remarried and had two younger kids. Uh huh, how dare she? Do you mean, yeah. And a... How dare she leave the man who makes his two children

fight a grown man to get tougher? Uh, they, the tussle started out of an argument. And Ben Affleck's dad was killed by cops approaching the scene or something and Ben Affleck ended up in jail in a very weird jail where they don't have bars on the cells. They're just kind of, they're just kind of cell cubicles. I guess in orange is the new black. They're like that too. I'll also say that nothing up until this point leads me to believe that Ben Affleck would lose a fight against a bunch of guys at a funeral.

I mean, there were a lot of them. Yeah. Good point, good point. Since at the up to this point, he's been able to kill 10 to 12 people at a time. Yeah, I hear something I didn't understand. It's an area scratch, yes. Been a athlete as a soldier and he was in jail.

Like, shouldn't there be tons of records about this guy? I don't think he was, I think the implication was that he was not really a soldier. That he showed up in a false uniform as part of his ads on to Raj, I guess. I don't really know. I don't remember that stuff. But even if there were tons of records,

what, they would have no reason for matching these pictures at the back of a evil accountant's head with all-known photographs of soldiers, you know. Soldier number one. Yeah Because his dad just like traveling big balls that are apparently just But apparently JK Simmons like knows all this shit about who he's been looking for this whole time Yeah, because it was all a test from Adina if she could figure it out. I mean he's not actually looking for him He's just trying to yeah, he just trying to give her a sense of scale

of what they're involved with. Yes, and see if she is worthy enough. If she can connect the dots, because Marzy Dots and Dozy Dots. Well, a little amzy, though. I don't know, copies of Poison Ivy, the new seduction. Yeah. Why are you shorting that down, though? The movie that introduced Jamie Presley's butt to the world.

Uh, yeah, just Ivy. I guess we can just say Ivy. We just say Ivy. People know you mean Poison Ivy, the new seduction. It's like the three Poison Ivy, three, the new seduction. Okay, which one's Poison Ivy? I guess you choose the one with a list of Milano. Yeah, okay.

It's called what the awakening or something like that? I don't know, that sounds right. The first one of course, of Milano. Yeah, okay. There's called what the Awakening or something like that? I don't know, that sounds right. And the first one, of course, Drew Barrymore. Yeah. Who Drew Barrymore? Yeah, three Ivy's. But artists. Three Ivy's in a fountain.

When are they gonna do that Poison Ivy on stage reunion? That we've all been clamoring for? What do you mean like the Paley Center or something? Yeah, yeah, exactly. Yeah, that you see him at TV and radio and they're like these are films. I don't know why we're doing it here. Anyway, it all leads up to a big... Always a live life in three acts.

Yeah, it all leads up to a big shoot them up. Ben Affleck finally puts two and two together because nobody else works at this robot company who's alive than John Lithgow. That John Lithgow must be behind it, much like Crazy Eddie in an anecdote he tells. He has been stealing from his own company in order to bring it back to make the profits look big to inflate the stock price when it goes public. Everything is about when companies go public. That's what I've learned from movie thrillers.

And so he goes to John Lithgow's house where he's being defended by an army of mercs, including this mysterious Punisher guy. Who we all know by now, even though the movie hasn't yet told us it's been out. Who is delivering here serving up sass in spades? Oh, David Spades. Oh, wow. Hot and steaming David Spades of sass, because no one sassy than David Spades. And so there's a big shootout. I can find a different guy. Try again. What was his catchphrase?

Upra man. No, no different performer. What was David Spades catchphrase? Joe dirt. Okay, there was a movie. He was it. Not really catchphrase, but all along the loud. It was not his catchphrase, it's not like riding a dirt bike. No, no. And he's like, I'm riding a me bike. Nope. So he gets into a fight, he kills a lot of guys. He gets into a fight with his brother

and we learn it's his brother because their dad trained them so well. All they had to take these skills of fighting. Sure. John Lithial walks out after watching all this on monitors in his safe room office, his home office, and he's like, you moron, I was going to be able to do so much with those billion dollars, and then F-Lac responds somewhat wittily by shooting him in the head. Yeah, it is the most hilariously dismissive dispatching of the major building.

Indiana Jones shot that swordsman in the market. It's like, imagine that swordsman shows up and instead delivers a speech about how he is providing more to the human race than the people he is killing. And then he gets shot in the head. Ben Affleck leaves and packs up his life. He sends... Packed up his troubles and his old kit bag. Yeah.

Anna Kendrick, he sends her the original Jackson Pollock he had cleverly disguised as a dog's playing poker painting, which is from a reference to something earlier in the movie. And what else? But this point we're live. Fuck, at least the movie's done. But then it keeps going. We learn that you remember that place that he was taken to as a kid that his dad refused to let him into, or maybe he would have had a better upbringing for his difficulties. That is now an

enormous Mohawk mountain house style mansion that is full of kids and parent and the guy who runs it, you can tell if time is passed because he is a beard now. And the these parents are time out their kids that and their kid wanders into a bedroom where there's a grown woman who's having issues. Turns out, she's the daughter of the guy who runs the place. He's like, that's why she started this program. And she's the same, she was a young girl at the beginning of the movie.

Who gave Ben Affleck the missing puzzle piece. And we find out that using a text to speech program on her computer, she is the character who works for Ben Affleck and raises his stuff and takes care of it. She's the world's greatest hacker too. Oh yeah. And she has some yesterday.

Calm down, I know you assume the world's greatest hacker is played by Neil Brin. In this case, this movie postulates that that is not the case. Now, either the world's greatest hacker was Hugh Jackman drinking wine and spinning around in a chair and going, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. And then tapin' a bunch of keys and getting into, I don't know, we talked about AKA swordfish. Yeah, I like, look this clip up on YouTube if you're not familiar with it.

Oh, look, if you haven't seen this scene, look up Hugh Jackman swordfish hacking scene. It is hilarious. Yeah. It is the second funniest hacking related scene in recorded media history. Is it after the CSI one? After it's I think it's NCIS.

NCIS. Or maybe it is NCIS. No it is NCIS. NCIS is it after the NCIS scene where this woman can't keep up with the hacker who's getting into their system. So someone else says here let me help and they're both typing on the same keyboard as if that would make the computer move faster. And then the other guy the head of the NCIS walks in and he solves the problem by unplugging

their computer. It's amazing. It is, which I guess keeps their cloud accounts from getting activated. Yeah, I chop the hackers weiner. What they don't say in that clip is that all the internet is run from that one office to the one point. That's the home office. Yeah.

Somewhere the lawnmower man is making that crazy angry face who makes it the end of the movie. So now's the time where we do our final judgements. Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, and Ben Affleck drives off into the distance. Okay. And now's the time. Yep.

We do our final judgements on this movie, whether it was a good bad movie, a bad bad movie, or a movie you kind of like, Stuart, would you have to say? I am gonna say there's a bad bad movie. I guess if you really like what, this is a movie that is, it feels like such a bundle of cliches. This is a movie that is directed by the guy

who directed a movie that I really like a lot, warrior. It is a good movie. Which is also a movie about brothers who directed a movie that I really like a lot, a warrior. Just a good movie. Which is also a movie about brothers who have a difficult father and brothers that come, you know. And become great fighters. But this movie is such a weird story and it has such a weird approach toward using violence

and like the idea of like a bullshit vigilante justice idea. Like it's so much trash. Shag me and tag me in. Yeah, LA, get in there. Okay, because I just want to say before I forget, so I'm gonna give this bad bad to. This movie takes itself so seriously. It's that fucking montage where he's doing math

and you're like, what do you think you're doing movie? This is an action movie. And at the end, it's set to this song as everything, the end of time that's like, so, so serious. And it's like to this song as everything, the end of time that's like so, so serious. And it's like, did you think you were making like, Kramer versus Kramer? Because even that had jokes in it.

Like, even that's like, are you making Schindler's list? Is that why you're taking this autistic hit man movie so seriously? And like Ben Affleck's perform like, you put this out, Elliot. How did you describe Ben Affleck? This is a little drugatory, if it is, I think. I described it as a man who's clearly very smart,

who seems incapable of portraying intelligence on screen. He always seems like kind of a lug on screen, even though in person, I know he's an intelligent person. Yeah, he's got to be a smart guy. But for whatever reason, for for instance in this movie, there is like his ability to interact with humans fluctuates so much, where there's some scenes where he's like, why are you doing that?

I'm Ben Affleck. What is love? I'm a robot. Yeah. And then there's other scenes where he's just like, I'm just a me, Ben from the block. And there's that there's, he has this, he has the feeling of a movie where, you know what, this is the worst way to put it, I guess,

but in this movie, he has, he's doing his, please put it the worst way. Is, have you ever seen a porn video? Sure, yeah. A jacked up porn star puts on glasses and a suit and he's supposed to be like an accountant Yep, we're like somebody who were it was like a Mildman or teacher or something that's kind of what it feels like at times

It is that feeling of like a football player who puts glasses on to look a little smarter You there was a point where we were introduced to like an older Heavy-set balding man. Yeah nerd accountant. He looked like an accountant. And there was a point where we're like, wouldn't it be way better if that guy was the accountant? Yeah. It's either that or make Jason Stathen the accountant because that'd be hilarious.

Well, if this was a crazy movie, that would be a different story. But it's a movie that takes itself very seriously. Like if it's fucking Scott Adkins, and he puts on those glasses and then just beats the shit out of the whole world. Yeah, this is a bad bad movie.

I want to say for this podcast that I apologize if we have said anything ignorant or insensitive about autism accidentally, but this movie I believe is ignorant and insensitive about autism. Oh, I think it certainly is. And the way it treats it as this, as we say, this superpower, it's a McGuffin. I mean, to say that is not to say, is not to imply on our part that people who are on that spectrum don't have talents and skills that, like, they're human beings. No, of course.

Of course, they're talents and skills. No, but they're using it. Of course they're counts and skills. But the idea of the like, as a plot device is what? Much as the same way that a beautiful mind, I found defensive because it implied that genius and schizophrenia are tied together and the same way, like any time you see anything where someone is depressed or unhappy

and they cheer up and they lose their creativity or something like that, the idea that you can idea that you can't be a certain level of intelligence unless you are separated from the world or unable to operate as normal human beings is seems insulting both to people who have trouble operating in the world and also people who are intelligent and do not have that trouble.

It's positing kind of like, here's, here's the intended audience for this movie. It's people who can't put two and two together that Lewis Carroll wrote Alson Wonderland and are like, well, if this guy can do all that stuff in numbers, I can't do that, but at least I can go through my life talking to people and I have a relationship because if you're that smart, you must be,

you must be kind of fucked up when you're dealing with other people and that makes me feel fine. Oh, interest. I might be extrapolating too much. I might be getting too angry about it. You know, I think the biggest thing is just the idea of like, having this character be this like, arbitrator of all justice,

and like, just murdering people, like this guy's a fucking stain on the world. Ha-ha-ha. Because of what he does, not because of who he is. Of course not. No, because his actions. This guy's a fucking stain on the world. Ha ha ha ha. Because of what he does, not because of who he is. Of course not. Because of his actions. I'm Hell Lovelin.

I'm Danielle Raffer. I am Michael Eagle. And we are the hosts of Tights and Fights, Maximum Fund's newest podcast dedicated to all things wrestling. We'll be talking about Sasha Banks, the Women's Revolution, Sasha Banks, the brand split, and Sasha Banks's Wigs. And we'll also be talking about wrestler fashion. Some wrestlers wear too many clothes. Some wrestlers don't wear enough clothes at all. And I'll be doing impressions of all your favorite wrestlers.

New episodes, Thursdays on Maximum Fund, or wherever you get your podcast. Oh yeah, D. If What the f*** is an interview? I mean, I do not know. That was Oscar-winning filmmaker, Aril Morris. I'm Jesse Thornt, host of NPR's Bullseye. Allow me to introduce the Turnaround, a new podcast series produced by MaximumFund.org presented with the Columbia Journalism Review.

Join me as I sit down with some of our greatest living interviewers to ask them about interviewing and why and how they do what they do. We'll go deep with some of the biggest names in Medium. People like Larry King, Katie Kirk, Audie Cornish will be among friends on the turnaround. Two episodes a week, all summer, subscribe now and tell somebody.

We have some sponsors that we should get to. Are they gonna be mad that we called them Affleck Estates on the world? We're living robotics. Yeah, it's all burgers. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, to your door, the black tux is your new way to rent. The black tux lets you create your look or choose from tons of stylists selected outfits. Stand out of your event for the right reasons with the black tux. For the right reasons. Yeah. Not because, for instance, you're paying in the punch bowl. Yep. That would be the wrong reason. That would be one of the wrong reasons to stand out of your event. Now guys, you know that I am a diehard wear of tux-speedos

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Yeah, it's just the one slip up. Yeah, that was not bad. Yeah. Yeah. Game on. OK. I mean, Santa must score would have given an A plus plus plus plus plus plus plus plus plus Richard Roper raves.

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Yep. I mean, blue to doesn't build you this tears down. Yeah, he's a cancer. For less than 10. I thought he was a Capricorn. Oh, no kidding. So Dan, what's Blue Apron? For less than $10 per person per meal,

Blue Apron delivers seasonal recipes along with pre-porsioned ingredients to make delicious home-cooked meals. They have fresh, high-quality ingredients that make a real difference in your cooking because it's important to know where your food's coming from, man. We talked about yummy mummy before,

and you don't have to worry about that shit. If you have delicious blue apron coming your way. Your tummy's gonna feel great. You don't have to measure the ingredients, which, as I've said, is the thing about cooking I hate the second most. The first is being patient when things are cooking. I don't like that.

But measuring stuff you just Crouched the one in my tummy right now. Yeah, exactly. You've got a sounder in this case. You climb up on the stool and look into the In-lawed cooks So it's like the fact that everything is measured out already great. You can just toss that stuff in You don't have to spend your time wondering what a pinch of something is Uh-huh As soon as you got blue apron you told me you took all your spoons and measuring devices.

Anor spoons. Yeah. I melted them into a big lump of plastic and metal. And then you know what I did. You made your son sit upon it and say that he's the king of all the lives. And this is the measuring throne. And here's my favorite part of all these Blue Apron ads. I get to read a couple of upcoming meals.

Oh yeah. And this this is gonna be delicious. Dan's gonna start slaubing. They got a low-taste style vegetable toastadas with summer squash, poblano peppers, and cilantro rice. It's so delicious. And peach honey glazed chicken with mashed sweet potatoes,

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The matching sweet potatoes. That's right. For how many sweet potatoes you put in, they'll match it. No, no kidding. Yeah. No games. You're committed to that. Yeah, I'll take all the sweet potatoes. I've been sticking under my matrix.

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You're free trial of blue apron. It sounds like I don't know why you're not doing this right now Yum Okay We also have some Jujujjambu trons, but first I wanna say special thank you to everybody who came out to our double floppas live show at the Bellhouse. I had a lot of fun.

I didn't think we could do it. They didn't think we could do it, but we did it. We did it, too, back-to-back recordings. Thanks to special guest star of the show, Halley Hagland, for being with us. Thanks to everyone at the bellhouse, which is a great place that we love doing stuff. And hopefully we'll again someday in the future. Thanks for putting up with Dan's power point being done two shows in a row. Nice. Stuart and I had new power points for each show. At least half a mine was new. Mine was 100% new balls. Dan, he read the same one.

And the shame was palpable. And while we're at it, why don't we plug, we have a, we have a upcoming show. No, no, let's plug that, I think, in, because there's reasons for that. Stop holding me back, Dan. I wanna, I wanna plug this thing. Now, I'll stay back, man.

So, should we go to the jumbo time? Okay, Dan's gonna put his foot down. I have to cut out the ads for the audible version of this, but I don't wanna cut out the plug for our live show. That's a little big behind the curtain. Didn't really need to explain that to us right now. Peeled my pants back. We saw what's going on.

Now let's close them back up and get to the Jumbo trunks. I got a message here. The messages for fr.erick. I don't know if that means frayer or father. And this message is from David last name withheld, but this is not Eliot's brother. Oh, thank goodness. And wait a minute. I think I'm going to pass the jumbo tron reading details to my pal, burner hair-tsawg.

He says, on behalf of myself, the Dan of our family, Eliot, the Stuart of my mistake, I've misread that. It says Emily, the Stuart of our family, on the Bridget, the Flapphouse house cat of our family, we want to issue all the best as you begin your next chapter of service in name of South African, South American country with Elv. Man, my friend, Werner Herzog's doing a terrible job. Let me finish this. We love you, bro. Thank you. So, yeah, thanks to this message for for Eric. This message was meant to be on June 10th if possible. Dan, good job. But yep, so thank you, David. I do have a win there, give it a good luck. Good luck. And I've got that was a personal message. I've got a business message on the jumbo

throne. And it says this, subscribe and listen to soulmates. We're just two married couples who love MST3K and each other and we want to talk to you about it. Join us for custom cocktail recipes, relationship advice, and semi-intelligent conversation. Find us on Twitter at at soulmatespod.com, that's S-O-L, sad light love mates pod, and it's, you have to do, listen to soulmates, and MST3K fan podcast. You like that, Elliot.

I mean, I love Mystery Science Theatre 3000 because it's my favorite show of all time, and then I got to make it living the dream. And so I can't wait to listen to SOL mates, this MS2 3K fan cast and look it up on Twitter at SOL mates pod. And that sounds great. So two lovely jumbo trunks. Mm-hmm.

Well, there's something kind of elicit about a podcast where it's two married couples making the podcast. I believe we have a plug for a live show that you wanted to do, Elliot. Yeah, I guess I'm the only one who wanted to do it. Sure, you guys don't do it. TAN, stop holding me back.

You've got a note in front of your, you literally have a note in front of you on the table. That's what I went to you with it. All right, anyway, I'll do the heavy lifting on this one, fellas. Let's say you couldn't make it to a flop house live show because you don't live near New York. You live in say Philadelphia, dozens of miles from New York.

Well, you are in luck because on July 16th, that's right, two days after best deal day, so your best deal day hangover will be a thing of the past. It will be at the Philly podcast festival in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. Why, that's the city of brotherly love. We are in the States. Yeah, and she's safe, Pennsylvania. That's the city of brotherly love. Where in the- Cheese takes. Yeah, and cheese takes.

True. And as I've said before, the world's greatest collection of Marcel Duchamp's work at the Philadelphia Museum of Art. And it's where they created cream cheese, right? Yeah, that's right. I think so, yeah. This really invented it.

Yeah. It's Sunday, July 16th, doors are at 7.30 pm. Show us at 8.00 pm. Go to fillypodfest. Yeah. It's Sunday July 16th, doors are at 730 p.m. Show us at 8 p.m. Go to go to fillypodfest.com. That's fillypodfest.com to buy your tickets to the first show we've ever done in Philadelphia, right? That's right. So what are we going to do before? I'm going to run off the rocky steps at the Museum of Art. I'm probably going to go to what Independence Hall. Try to ring that crazy crack to bell. We're going to, uh, when are we going to announce the movie we're watching for this show, Dan?

Do you have an idea of what we should watch for you? No, look at me now. I'm just to Elliot, dude. Elliot already got a hot potato this round. Oh, and I burned my hands. Luckily, it was a matched sweet potato. No. Oh, and I burned my hands. Luckily was a matched sweet potato. No, no, no, let's watch fucking rat race or some shit.

Rat race. Wait, I didn't take the whole of the most random I'm a fever thinkin' about the rat. Yeah, yeah, I stuffed my end deep into my, what is that, my, oh fuck, I couldn't remember what we called that. Let Mel Brooks is the 12 chairs. That's an okay movie. No, it's a perfectly good movie.

I was just the random. That's a perfect movie. Perfectly good. No, okay. Yeah. What do you call before a chocolate depository? I don't remember. Chocolate cavity.

Yeah. So guys, we're just going to watch Made in America starring Wippie Goldberg at Ten Dance. Yeah, okay. I mean, we've taken a bunch of recommendations on Twitter. People sent it to me and then I don't have all I got a collate, you know, you got to get all Ben Affleck, the accountant on those numbers. Some people seem to think we should do some older movies that are Philly related. I think you meant to say, somebody thinks we should do some other movies. Yeah. Like in Smash Mouth terms.

Yeah. Like a Rocky 5 or a mannequin. I mean, we should film some. I totally watch mannequin. Yeah, we'll talk about it. Well, yeah, maybe we should do a special Philly film because he can't spell Philly without Phil. Special. So let's find one of the guys who's named Phil.

Okay, this line of talk is fantastic. Dan, how do you do it on the ZZC? We got a lot more jokes here. We're going to write the letters. We're going to do letters. These are the letters from listeners. Now, I already sang a song over here in the episode. So for those of you who are looking forward to hearing a letter song from me,

keep in mind I already sang a song earlier in the episode, which means you're gonna get two songs this episode, two full songs from a guy who usually sings just one. Two is more than one, two is less than three, two is good enough for you and for me. That's two. It's a letter for just me and you. That's two. No one else because there's just two. Two is the second number. Unless you come zero. And I don't. That's the absence of value. It's really more of a conceptual placeholder for larger numbers.

It's gonna get another beer. Two is a number. I think we can rely on. Two is a number to live or die on. Two is a number for letters. Letters are numbers for you. You don't know the difference between letters and numbers, which is weird. You should have learned that letters are for the words numbers are from math.

Letters don't go in math, except I guess that algebra uses some letters. So forget what I said. Letters and numbers numbers are letters. Let's get ahead to the letters from me and you because that makes two. I think we only got like two more of these recordings and in Brooklyn right one or two more of these Schedule bring us down. Yeah, so I'm not gonna make the last one. Don't bring us down. No, don't bring me down. Don't bring me down.

When I get on the floor, I'll need some more floor. Don't bring us down. Because why would wait a minute? Why does he need so much floor? What floor is he getting on? So this first letter is from Jerob last name with hell. Get the fuck out of here. That's a person's name, Stuart.

What do you know? I was talking to Dan, not talking to the person. Oh, okay. Jerob is great. I'm previous episodes, Elliott offered advice on how to search the TV guide for a certain kind of content. Movies that might have topless women. If I recall correctly, the advice was to avoid movies with intentionally erotic titles

and seek movies with words like Beach, Bikini, College, and Off Road. Even though this advice is completely useless in modern times, it was well intended, but tragically heteronormative. I would like you to fix one of those problems. Let's suppose you could broadcast your advice to the male attracted youth of the past few decades. well-intended but tragically heteronormative. I'd like you to fix one of those problems. Let's suppose you could broadcast your advice to the male attracted youth of the past few decades. What should they search for in the TV guide?

Movies featuring barbarians usually featured an oiled male lead. Lost boys had that sax player. Top Gun had a beach volleyball scene set to playing with the boys. You don't want people to think you're a homophob, right? Better finish this list. I mean, I don't want people to think you're a homophobic, right? Better finish this list. I mean, I don't want people to think I'm a homophobic.

I'm very homophriendly. If that's a word, I accept all types of people who do all types of things. Because you know what's great about humanity, Dan? What's that, Dan? The variety. Variety of people. It's a kaleidoscope.

It's a, I mean, that's a weird way to put it. So people are just falling around, like going, ah, making different patterns. It's like a sociopath would see humanity that way. But here's the thing. It's an interesting dilemma here because Hollywood has been heteronormative for most of its history. And so sexual movies with nudity are more usually centered around female nudity than male.

The flip side of this is that because men are considered the standard default body type for almost all of human history, topless men and men wearing not a lot of clothes, getting to a lot more movies than naked women, you can see them in all types of any movie set at a beach or a gym is going to have ay guy often with his shirt off. But here's the thing. If you remember my original advice, I believe the real key was, if a movie says nudity in the TV guy listing, don't waste your time. Look for when it says sexual situations. Yeah.

Because that's when there's going to be a tone of nudity. I would say if you're looking for male nudity, also look for the name Kevin Bacon listed. He does like showing his penis in movies sometimes or Michael Fassbender. Yeah. I mean, that's not helpful for the people of the past because he was not he didn't have a career yet. Yeah. So if we're taking this advice and sending it in a time capsule back in time. And any modern action film, the hero will want to take his top off at some point to show how he got totally swole for the party in the in the 80s especially shirts were getting ripped off all the time. Pants not as much. No, I guess they can watch is there seen a bachelor party at a maelstrom club.

Yeah, yeah, we're Nick the dick puts his penis in a hot dog. Yeah, yeah, I was referencing when I started about putting a penis on hot dog. I didn't even think about that. That's why I kept winking at you guys and then holding up my bachelor party VHS cassette. That's why you do it. That's why you just wanted to watch bachelor party after we were done. Yeah. That's why I was trying to get you guys to do.

I thought you were just reminding us that hey, Tom Hanks may be America's favorite dad, but he had to start somewhere and it wasn't always so clean. I hope that helped, I guess. The next letter is from Taj last name withheld. Mahal? Yep. I was waiting for that. Mm-hmm.

Most famous Taj, other than the rise of. Your floppers. I had a moment of cognitive overlap while watching the excellent new mystery science theater 3000. Mm-hmm. For a while I started imagining the original peaches on the satellite of love with danis jota alie does crow and stew is tom servo which raised the question which fictional robots do you most identify with I have my own list alie is Johnny five

from short circuit I'll buy that sure Dan is Marvin the paranoid and Roy from the checkers guy to the galaxy most definitely steward is both robot bill and robot Ted from Bill and robot Ted from Bill and Ted's bogus journey. That's super accurate. I feel like this guy nailed it. Bill and Ted's bogus journey, one summer when I was staying at my friend Justin Skeleton's lake,

I was Justin Skeleton who I mentioned before as being the one who did watch Rose and him. He was a skeleton because it was a bum show. But we watched. And he was a skeleton too. And he was a skeleton, I mean. That was the crypt keeper. Yeah, but we watched. And he was a skeleton too. And he was a skeleton, I mean, sad was the crypt keeper. Yeah, I was, it was crazy.

And I remember seeing that movie and staying awake that night, my brain on fire from the possibilities of this bill and Ted universe. Oh, yeah, like they expanded it so much. William Sadler is the crypt as, as death. It's so awesome. There's a lot. That was a weird movie. It was a lot going on the way. But like for my kid brain, it was the perfect thing to see. Oh man, it's so fucking good. Yeah, that's how I felt when family matters crossed over with

step-by-step. And you're like everything, checking all my boxes. I was so excited to get home and watch TV on Friday nights. Oh, yeah CGI fucking F. Yeah, I was thanking God every Friday that it was Friday. Yeah, you were thinking of Christian God It was Friday night the moon was bright I wanted to have some fun and show them how it's done and I did T. J. F It was weird and perfect strangers as part of done. And I did, TGIF. It was a weird and perfect stranger as part of TGIF, though. Why? Because it felt like when you,

it felt a little bit like when Richard Belzer joined Law and Order, where it was like, wait a minute, you're not from this place. You're from another place, you're a ringer. Oh, okay. So I, when Dining the Source was on that, oh my lord. Yeah. I mean, I would have accepted.

Like James make-up. I also would have accepted being the iron giant. So that question I guess was about TG. Or he wasn't a question. No, the question. He answered the question. He answered his own question. Is your objection here?

So you don't have any? Not an objection. Yeah. Were we supposed to answer it? It was great answers. Sometimes I could see Elliot or Dan being that little nerdy robot from Futurama, the little orphan robot. I can see that.

Yeah. And I always, I always, because I'm a small guy, I always sympathize with the robots and batteries, not included. Also because I'm always being confused for a hamburger. Yeah. I think that you have to cross hot buns.

Cross Marvin with hedonism, but to get to me. Yeah, that's pretty accurate actually. Yeah, but like 95% Marvin. Yeah, but like the laziness of hedonism. That's too Marvin accomplishes a lot. And when people ask him to do, no, it's true, because Dan, when I was your supervisor at the Daily Show, when I'd ever asked you to do things, he would go, oh, really? And it was like, yeah, that's what Marvin does.

Yeah. You're brain the size of a planet. And I'm fetching those guys. You get when you're delivering that news today and you can see in his eyes the hours of napping that he doesn't get to do. I saw his projected nap meter falling. Yeah Dan, sorry that turned into some Dan bashing. That wasn't fair. You know what, but the thing is when the rubber hit the road, when the pizza at the mouth, you got that shit done. Yeah, that's true. Yeah, let's put pizza at the mouth.

Yeah, that's true. Yeah, what's the piece of it? So this is from Randy last night with Hell. Randy Spears? While making my way through your back catalog, it dawned on me that Dennis Stewart's tour at Earlham College coincided with my stent as an assistant manager at that sole blockbuster video in that little burg. It warm was my heart to think I might have rented a copy

of Castle Freak to an impressionable young Stewart Wellington. It frustrated me to no end that the store was lumped It was my heart to think I might have rented a copy of Castle Freak to an impressionable young Stuart Wellington. It frustrated me to no end that the store was lumped into blockbusters blue collar world category, despite the presence of, despite the presence, sorry, of Erlen College. That lovely little label meant that on New Release Day, the store would get, say, ten copies of Biodome and one copy of Fargo. Let's just say the wrestling, i.e. wrestling section, nearly outweighed the foreign film section. I mean, those wrestlers are huge. I'm not surprised that it will wade the foreign actors.

No, sir, we don't carry the seventh seal, but we're stocked to the cock with WrestleMania eight stocked the cocks of common phrase. It's in the blockbuster. It's in the blockbuster. It's in a blockbuster. It's in a blockbuster. It's in a blockbuster. It's in a blockbuster. It's in a blockbuster. It's in a blockbuster.

It's in a blockbuster. It's in a blockbuster. It's in a blockbuster. It's in a blockbuster. It's in a blockbuster. It's in a blockbuster. It's in a blockbuster. It's in a blockbuster.

It's in a blockbuster. It's in a blockbuster. It's in a blockbuster. It's in a blockbuster. It's in a blockbuster. It's in a blockbuster. It's in a blockbuster. It's in a blockbuster. It's in a blockbuster. It's in a blockbuster. It's in a blockbuster. It's in a blockbuster. It's in a blockbuster. It's in a blockbuster. It's in a blockbuster. It's in a blockbuster. It's in a blockbuster. It's in a blockbuster. It's in a blockbuster. It's in a blockbuster. It's in a blockbuster. It's in a blockbuster. It's in a blockbuster. It's in a blockbuster. It's in a blockbuster. It's in a blockbuster. It's in a blockbuster. It's in a blockbuster. It's in a blockbuster. It's in a blockbuster., dude, dude, don't take, I don't know what, Groundhog Day or something.

Don't take 10202 Body Hammer. Don't go get 10202 Iron Man. You're gonna love it. I would return to that video, so I'm gonna say, sir, what do you think I am? If you boys frequent it in a- Then I pick up 10202 Body Hammer. We have a letter from the manager of the blockbuster from the little town we went to school, and that's crazy.

Yeah. I'm gonna skip a couple paragraphs. I'm trying to recall if I ever saw someone danish awkwardly trying the store stockroom door and the hope of finding porn beyond. No, we want a family video for that, homie. Well, yeah, here we go. Every shift, some dude would try the door only to be pelted with judgmental stairs. Blockbuster never carried it. The closest thing we stocked was the bank dick, maybe chism. How weird is it that the family video carries adult videos, something for the whole family, I guess.

What are they called, cock blockbuster? So. Family videos, we're all as hell, dude. I read all kinds of crazy shit from there. Hey, man, how do you think you make families? That's true. I'm doing it. Thanks for the many hours of pod, from there. Hey man, how do you think you make families? That's true. I'm doing it. Thanks for the many hours of pod.

Stay pretty. Thanks. Man, I'm trying to remember the blackbuster in our town. I remember going there with friends who were from the East Coast, who would get so mad at how long the lines were and how everyone took way too much time. My friend, Jordana, who was from Rochester, New York, was like, these people in the Midwest take too long in lines. And I'm like, Rochester is kind of the Midwest.

Yeah, I think I've told the story. I'm sure I've told the story before, but the thing I remember about the blockbusters going there with Bill Hickey, and they had the boyfriend school, aka, don't tell her it's me on the wall there. It was always run out by me with a sticker that said guaranteed entertain. But that's because it's not fucking wrong, dude. There's a guy from the show would hold up in court.

A guy from New Orleans is putting the stickers on. Ah, Buffer and School of Guarantee Entertainment. One last quick, very quick message from Kevin. Last name withheld. I was glad he're here. I'm glad you're here. I'm glad you're here. I'm glad you're here. I'm glad you're here. I'm glad you're here. I'm glad you're here. I'm glad you're here. I'm glad you're here. I'm glad you're here.

I'm glad you're here. I'm glad you're here. I'm glad you're here. I'm glad you're here. I'm glad you're here. I'm glad you're here. I'm glad you're here. I'm glad you're here.

I'm glad you're here. I'm glad you're here. I'm glad you're here. I'm glad you're here. I'm glad you're here. I'm glad you're here. I'm glad you're here. I'm glad you're here. I'm glad you're here. I'm glad you're here. I'm glad you're like, oops, a little late on this part. And we look up online and it says, boy killed in a parent home invasion. Wet bandets claim another life.

And maybe earlier shot, Jean Smart, boy. Yep, wet with blood. Wait, so Dan, are you implying that the accountant takes place in a timeline right before home alone? That's right. And that's the white bandets. The wet bandets were the assassins that John Lutho hired to kill

I'm related. Yeah, oh yeah, that was an unrelated break in the wet bandits So there's just I have the same age of Daniel Stern now shaking traumatized throwing up in the bathroom and Joe Pashy's like so you so you killed someone what's the problem is like I can't do that ever again boss from now on We're no longer the gun bandits will be the wet bandits. We're only hitting on Christmas Eve and we know people are going to be around anymore. Man, that's a lot of backstory that I think really helps shape the movie. So a little context to this last letter in the live show that we taped, which will not be released ever until August probably. Yeah. I promised people in line who we did not get to

their question that I would, if you wrote in and saying that you were one of the four people in line who did not get your question answered, we'd be sure to answer it in the show. And so this person, right? Dan was doing anything he could to get some good well from this crowd. Oh man, after they saw him do the same presentation twice,

they weren't happy. He started taking his clothes off and we're like, dude, what are you doing? Yeah. They like you for your mind. And when he was just throwing $10 bills into the audience, it's like, dude, that's like $400 you just threw out there. Uh, Kevin writes, I was at the Bellhouse early show,

and one of the, what's one of the last four standing in line, when you said, if we emailed you, you would answer it on the podcast. My question is, how are you going to determine whether I'm lying or not? Good question, Kevin. Wait, so was he going to ask that at the show? The answer is, I don't care and you've wasted your question. Oh, wow, man. Oh, wow, don't get close to Danny's going super

saying on us. Oh, Dan got fierce all of a sudden. Yeah. Well, it's always been inside me. You got to wait dude to spring out. Yeah, I like to think that all the all the sass that LA and I've been shuffling on to you just got directed at an unputing target. Yeah, just some directed at an unwitting target. Yeah, just some rando. But I read about this in your conversation with the passive aggressive Hulk.

Yeah. He was like, don't get me pissy. You wouldn't like me when I'm pissy. You know what I'm like? I'm like anyone with a pissy. Yeah, but you especially wouldn't like me. Bob Gucci-O-D Jr. Loves it when people learn pissy.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha. Bravo, bravo people are pissing. Oh, wow. What an apt reference to the history of Penthouse magazine. Oh, fuck. Okay. Vlogpuzz after dark. It's held a family leave the room, unless they're got family video kind of family, which gets bring them in. So this is the last segment

of the show. It's where we recommend movies that you should watch instead of the account. I'll go first because we saw for this. I recently rewatched Dr. Strange Love or how I learned to stop worrying and love the bomb Which is a minute cumber bass and that oh Jackie Chan in that See all right till the swing news now that they're right that character was played by Peter Sellers Right that other characters played by Peter Sellers by Peter Sellers, right? That other characters play by Peter Sellers. And other characters play by Peter Sellers.

I have a movie with Peter Sellers and Jackie Chan in it. Jackie Chan was not in that movie. I would love that. The physical comedy alone. Oh, yeah. So pardon me. This is a movie.

I got in the criterion collection disc for Christmas, and I never got around to cracking open and I rewatched it today crack the disc and it was broken to buy a new one. You know, uh, and uh, surprise, surprise, it's great. Everyone likes Dr. Strange love. There's no need for me to tell you to go out and see it. It's about a, uh, there's a US general who goes crazy and sends out some instructions to his bombers to go bomb Russia with their nuclear payload.

And the rest of the movie is taken up with them. The president and other generals and various people trying to get those planes back from creating the nuclear war. And we see inside the plane that's going there too with slim pickens being the person in the plane. I'm getting real fady here, guys. So maybe just. Let's say it. But it's great. It works in part because it's serious in its comedy stylings. It was based on a serious book and it's probably an apocryphal story, but

The rumor is that Stanley Kubrick didn't even tell slim pickings. They're making a comedy And that helps the comedy go over. I find that very hard to believe. I find it hard to believe too. That's why I said it's probably apocryphal. But it gives you a sense of- I feel like that's the kind of thing

that plays on the idea that Slim Pickings was not an actor, but was just like the character he was playing. Like he's the little girl in the fall. Yeah, like when he was making 1941, that Steven Spurberg didn't tell him it was a comedy, told him it was a documentary, and so he really swallowed all that stuff So he could poop it out until he saw the movie and he's like whoa, this is so incredibly hilarious. It's gotta be a comedy So gut bustingly funny. I should have given you a much bigger laugh Stuart

Your reference to the girl in the fall Slim pickens thinks this is actually happening around him Slim Pickens thinks this is actually happening around him. One tiny note before I pass this along, the great title sequence of Dr. Strange Love was made by Pablo Farrow, who did the title sequence to stop making sense in a very similar style. So that's another recommendation for stop making sense? In the universe, every movie leads to stop making sense for Dan. There could be a movie called Make Sense for Once, and Dan would turn it into an ad for stop making sense. So I get such an interesting play on the subtle name of stop making sense.

The subtle name of stop making sense. I don't fucking know, dude. It's like. So Stuart, do you have a movie recommend? Hell yeah, dude. This one's for the horror freak set. this one's for the horror freaks. Yeah. Yeah. Calling all horror hounds. Woof woof. Yeah. So strap on your barf bags.

I got another edition of Stewart's horror hound recommendation. Really a long time to introduce this regular date. And a horror hound can't be used to give out. Mm. Mm. Okay. Now that I got you slaubarin.

Like the dogs you are. I'm gonna wrap it up. I'm gonna recommend a little movie called The Black Coats Daughter. This was a movie that was made in 2015 and sat on the shelf for like a year and a half. So long that the director's other movie, I am the pretty thing that lives in the house, came out before this was even released. It is, you know, it's a horror movie about,

it seems to be about a pair of girls who are, for whatever reasons, spending their winter break stuck in a like a Catholic boarding school. One of the girls is played by Kiernan Shipka who is great and this solidifies my long-held belief that she would be a great asset to any kind of horror movie because she is able to pull off this like kind of blank mystery that I kind of always felt that way in madman. Like I was always like, there's something kind of crazy about this person

or like for whatever reason she makes the scene, she's in kind of eerie. And it's a movie that is patient and kind of quiet, don't expect it to be particularly fast moving, but I think it's very well shot. It kind of fits pretty snugly in with the current thread of prestige horror movies. I don't want to talk too much about the plot because I think it's... It's twist and turn. Yeah, I mean, there's some, but it does have a great performance by my man, James

Reemar from the movie Quiet Cool. Oh, yeah. Lots of other things. Yeah. So if you're looking for, if you like the movies, say, kind of like the witch in that it's kind of slow moving, and it has some similar themes. Maybe check out the Black Coats' daughter. All right.

Well, guys, you know what? I'm going to break with Flapphouse tradition. And for, I think, the second time in the history of my recommendations, I'm not going to recommend a movie because I haven't seen any movies lately that I really loved. I'm going to recommend a book. A movie for your mind! But there's a connection to movies, which I'll tell you about. This is a novel that came out the year before last,

and one little thing called The Pulitzer Prize, and it's called The Sympathizer of I-V-Y-T-Tang-Goyen. And, or Tann-Goyen, I'm not sure I've ever had it. Anyway, it's a really great book about the, starting with the Fall of Saigon in the end of the Vietnam War, a guy who is a North Vietnamese Vietnam agent who has been undercover for a long time within the South Vietnamese Army. He becomes part of the Vietnamese refugee community in the United States and is still continuing with his work, but is finding it more and more difficult to understand kind of why he's been what he's doing

or what side he's really on or what's going on in his life. And there's a long sequence in the middle in which he gets hired to be the technical advisor on a movie that is essentially Apocalypse Now and it is scathing in its satire about the depiction of the Vietnam War and the Vietnamese people by American movies. And it was a section that really made me rethink

the way I feel about some of those movies and Apocalypse Now movie that I think is great. And I'll just, I just have taken it for granted for a long time, that it's great. And very much about this kind of phantasmacoric version of the American experience in the Vietnam War, but made me rethink some of my assumptions about how you tell stories about wars. Basically, like a look at American colonialism or more that it's the experience of the

kind of blindness and hubris that leads a guy to be like, I'm going to make the ultimate statement on this war. Are there gonna be any Vietnam music characters in it? Not really. They kind of exist to be shot or to shoot. And just then the main character's frustration with this is scathing and it's been all in like painful for someone who likes that movie,

but in a good funny way. So it's a heartbreaking novel at times, but it's also really funny. So the sympathizer. I was kind of shocked. What was that? Mel Gibson Vietnam movie. We were soldiers. We were warriors once. I think I think our warriors know once we were soldiers. But like I think it was that I was surprised that that's one of the only Vietnam movies that I can think of that feels like it spends almost as much time on the the Vietnamese characters. As it does the American characters.

I haven't seen it. There's very few. It's I mean, I remember putting it off and then actually seeing it being like, okay, this is actually I remember being surprisingly good and. At you know, I don't know like milk, Gibson is not a filmmaker that I go out of my way to the end, but I remember it being pretty good. But it taps into a feeling I had when I finally got around seeing the year of living dangerously, where this nation is an upheaval

and the people who actually live in the country are being killed by the score, but like, oh good, milk-yupsin and so forth, we forgot out. So I guess everything turned out okay. And the stuff he says is just like really brutal, but also very funny. So, and- What's the name of the book?

Hold the sympathizer. I'll let it to if you want, it's really good. So three great recommendations, two of which follow the rules of the podcast and one of which has been disqualified. Oh, still put up on the recommendation. No, you've been cast into another dimension. No.

You're the phantom zone now. No, but that means I'll survive the destruction of this planet so score. Mm-hmm. And the president will kneel before me. Well, it's after midnight and I... We're gonna let it all hang out. I'm not getting any less sick, so let's...

But that's actually very bad, Dan. Your immune system should be working on that illness. Yeah, let's stop this right now. When you reach a certain age, your body just kind of breaks down. Yeah. Don't I know it? I've been experiencing that. I threw out my back like two weeks ago and I'm a pile of fucking garbage right now. He really is.

He's literally, he's the pile of garbage from Praglorok. I'm the pile of garbage that what Cheat turns into in weird science. I was gonna say you look a little better that you're more of a pizza the Hut type. Oh, that's great. Oh, why are you eating parts of my body? Oh, I just know delicious.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. The weirdest thing about that movie is when that silver guy starts eating pizza the hut. The whole time I'm like, how does that affect his makeup? Like, is he getting makeup on his pizza? What's going on? Also, the fact that pizza the hut doesn't really mind is strange.

I mean, it's probably just like dead skin cells, right? I guess that's fair. That's fair. Like if someone started cutting off pieces of your skin, I don't understand the biology of pizza the hut. And we don't speak huddies, which is his language. No one, I'm not. All right, that's enough of that.

For the flop house, I've been Dan McCoy. No, I've been Stewart Wellington. And remember in my order in the goodbyes and lows, I'm Elliott Kaelin. See you next time. You're thinking about other fucking huddies. They'll hear us. We won't see them.

I was gonna say like pizza, no bada. No job of pepperoni. Okay, you sell thirsty boy you get. I am thirsty. Okay. My tummy's feeling better. Oh, that's nice get. I am thirsty. Okay. My tummy's feeling better. Oh, that's nice here. I've wiped it out.

We have so many messed up tum-tums around here. Yeah, this is, we take, call this the tummy cast. See the problem with my tummy is my back tummy. Oh, yeah, and I've got a, I got a case of mummy tummy. Oh, mummy tummy. Yeah, my stomach is so much. Is that when you eat too much yummy mummy cereal? Yeah, and then your stomach gets ripped out and put in a jar too.

Oh, a conoptic jar? Mmm. That's wonderful. Well, at least all your servants will be killed too. Maximumfund.org Comedy and culture. Artists don't. Listen or supported.

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