The Flop House - Episode #170 - Transformers: Age of Extinction

Episode Date: January 24, 2015

We will never watch anything with nearly three hour bloat again, so enjoy the special snowflake that is us talking about the most recent Bayhem, Transformers: Age of Extinction. Meanwhile, Elliott explains how to find a Transformer's clitoris, Stuart keeps on Castle Freakin' on, and sleepy Dan (sort of) returns.Movies recommended in this episode:Winter LightZRock N Roll Nightmare

In this episode we discuss Transformers Age of Extation, aka the One Without Shia Le Booth. Hey everyone and welcome to the Flop House Podcast. I'm Dan McCoy. Hey Dan McCoy, I'm Stuart Wellington. Hey Stuart and Dan, my name is Elliot Kalin. All three of us. He's in disguise. Check his eye. Check his mask off.

Myself, I don't, it's not him. Actually, I'd like to say, I'm pointing out on the one person in this room, so listeners can know not wearing a hoodie with the hood up over his head. It's chilly in my apartment, right? And I was just doing it because Dan was doing it. It's a very localized weather report for people who happen to be in my apartment tonight, and I was just doing it because Dan was doing it. That's a very localized weather report for people who happen to be in my apartment. So fast and you can't.

And you can't. On the day that this was recorded. Recording this with a couple of unibombers or maybe they're the hoodlums dressed as aliens from the first storyline on the hit show Ghost Writer. Wait, the shit show Ghost Writer? Hit show, Dan. It taught kids how to read, be friends and rap. Was that Johnny Blazer, Danny Ketch?

It was neither. He was an animated dot that could read things and then write them. Oh, so welcome to the love house. We talk about movies. Yeah. We usually have bad movies. So what do we hold on a second? We talk to a bad movie.

No, we watch bad movie. And then we discuss it. They bad movie. No, we watch bad movie and then we discuss it thereafter and tonight we watch hey guys. It's great to be back in the flop house after that live show We did last night. Yeah, I remember the thing you wanted us to do at the top and we We'll you stand me down this fucking culvert us when I ask you what we do I'm going to call the sack. It wasn't like a culvert. What's the fucking two 1000 chaseness? I mean, I was perfectly capable of double backing and thank people. And yet you did not.

No, because you were like, what do we do on this podcast? What we do on this podcast is not host live shows. Which is a serious issue of doing it. Thank you for all the love. On this podcast, we watch over we and discuss it. You're not gonna know. I know. I know. I know. I know.

I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know.

I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know.

I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I'm gonna go haunt Danny Elfman. Now there's a man named his wife. He's a man who's been by a radioactive elf. And now he has the power of candy case. Will they accept him back into the gray havens? Probably. Does he have to make a choice?

Is that some asylum for elves? Kind of. And of Tolkien, man. The end of Tolkien, man. Tolkien, man, was bitten by a radioactive Tolkien Tolkien and now he has the ability to make up fake languages. Everyone sails off to the Grey Havens except for the ones who don't. It sounds more to me like this self.

He killed too many elves. It's too dangerous in the prison. Send him to Grey Haven. No one's ever escaped from Grey Haven. Anyway, the main point is. So Dan, we had a live show. Okay, thank you to everyone who was foolish enough to come out and see our foolishness at the live show.

I am humbled that we sold out the bellhouse in Gawannis. That's a 350 capacity. I would say 350 seats, but most of the food standing. Yeah, I'm sorry. If you want to sit down, maybe get there earlier next time. Wow. Wow, waiting the cold longer, dude. Kind of unnecessary hostility for the people

who came to see us, Jackass. The point is thanks to everybody who came out. It was a wonderful night. Thanks, the bellhouse for having us and New YorkPodFest for arranging a lot of it. We'll try the most wonderful time of the year. Next time. So not as many people have to watch teenage meat and digitals.

But it was a great audience. Everyone who came had brought great energy and we're very thankful for that. Yeah, they brought great energy. They brought some uranium. They brought some gasoline. They brought some. I mean, gasoline isn brought great energy. They brought some uranium. They brought some gasoline. They brought I mean gasoline is a great energy It's actually a number good at all So I'm brought the crystal from the dark crystal. Yeah, yeah, it's a great energy when you take it out

When you take that shard out of the main crystal do the good guys the bad guys separate back out into individuals again. Yeah It's all bird men and What I know there's out into individuals again. Yeah. With all Birdman and what kind of bird lizzies. Yeah. Specsies and Gray and one of the other ghouls. They're ghouls. No, they're like narrators.

Mystic. Mystics. Yeah, that's what the K like some kind of 90s X-man. So they're not named after Mystic Connecticut. So return. Mystic how to the premise of our five guests pizza in Mystic Connecticut. So tonight's episode of podcast we watched trans

four mers. Why do you put so much? I thought you watched trans framers the travel guide for trans gender travelers. I mean, that sounds like a perfectly useful travel guide. Yeah. I mean, that would be a book watching it. I mean, I just watched it sit on a table and I filed in the blockbuster video next to a trans America in their transaction.

That's blockbuster has a very interesting categories. So this was a movie about things that were more than meets the eye. Autobots raised in battle to destroy the evil forces. Now somebody, something was in disguise. What was it? Was it robots? I mean, robots were the ones that were in disguise. Now what was it?

They put beards on? And hat, star glasses. Yeah. Now I would say this. Big eternal disguise. Interestingly, this movie seemed to be quite a lot less than met the eye. Often. Uh, I'll get right to the review, huh? I mean, I'll reserve how many of these transformer movies have you seen? This is the first transform we'll be able to see. And so I started with chapter four as I do with any series. Star Wars started with episode four. Yeah.

Harry Potter, I think I watched the first one and the fifth one. I missed the good one. Apparently, yeah, because the fifth one was not very good. And you know, what other series are there? Rocky, fourth is the best. Start with that one. Superman, fourth. Fourth is the best. I mean, I think when I was a kid that was there? Rocky, fourth is the best, start with that one. Superman, fourth. Fourth is the best.

I mean, I think when I was a kid, that was the first one that I saw. So I always had like a special place in my heart, for it even though it's ridiculous and terrible. The fourth pink panther, whatever that is. That's probably a return of the revenge of the strikes again. Who knows? But you've seen Stuart all of the transports.

And oh, and the fourth of the manual form. Yeah, the fourth of the manual. Is that a black of manual at that point? It's black of manual in space and Rio. What a through time. And the blue of the blue. No, blame it on the space. Minus seven equals X.

The beginning. So we are. So we are. This is Dracula acting in the hood. Crazy or the unusual because the next generation was to and a 45 fucking minutes long. This is a long movie most of which you stayed awake for damn To my credit, I would say I stayed awake for 85% of this movie Yeah, you fell asleep during the climax, which was a bunch of explosions and robots punching each other

Robotic dinosaur I'm gonna I'm gonna drop dinosaur swords if you want I'm gonna drop a little knowledge on you guys. Yeah, if you don't care about the people exploding Explosions are the most boring thing in the world You picked that up in all your years of experience. Yeah La House igre said that as art of dramatic. In his book, the art of exploding people. Yeah. So transformers for the age of extinction, it's called, right? Yep. So you missed the beginning of the movie, Elliott. What do you think happened?

I thought I missed the beginning of the movie, but apparently I didn't. You missed a bunch of dinosaurs running around and then getting totally splattered with metal goop. Yeah, we have to let's apologize briefly to our listeners because this movie was so long for scheduling reasons. Elliot had to miss the very beginning of it and for sleepy reasons. I missed the very end. And Stuart saw the whole thing, so please pray for him. So he's the edge of my seat. So tell me what happened in the beginning. So 65 million years ago, we had dinosaurs. I guess, I don't think they told us when it was happening. Well it had to have been at 65 million years ago, because that's when there were dinosaurs. Were those dinosaurs on our planet or a different planet?

Those were our, why would they show another planet, both dinosaurs were transformed? Some kind of dynotopia, although even that's on our planet. Yeah, it was a savage land. Some kind of a beach. Again, that's both on this planet. Savage Beach has no dinosaurs in it, just topless women and ninjas. Yeah. So yeah, so you miss that and then you miss the introduction of our hero, Kade Jager. Which sounds less like a name than like, I guess, a new soda that has beer in it.

Pop up in a Kade Yeager. To be fair, either of those words alone might be reasonable names. Kade? I think you're just defending your weight. It cades a little weird. My office my office mate's last name is Jagger. I know, later is a fine. Chuck Cater is a name that's Jagger. Your office mate's name, Cade?

No. Okay, not that I, so we're introducing Cade. I mean, they might as well have named him like Slad Rip Chest. Or something like that, you know. Slad. Slad. Slad.

What long muscle? What? Birch is this? What's muscle? Birch is a... Birch long muscle. You know what, we need a tough guy name. How about a birch long muscle? What's the toughest type of tree? Birch of course.

And we wanted to have a last name, like you know, a given name to reflect his profession. Long muscle. Because he is a muscle lengthener. Let's talk about this movie. Okay. So we are ready to a KDager. So we're interested in who's an inventor.

Daughters shorts. Mark Wahlberg, who's an inventor reprising his profession of scientist from Flop House favorite, the happening, in which he, and here's the thing, Mark Wahlberg is dedicated to playing a bad scientist. In the happening, he's a science teacher who tells his students, there are some things that, uh, damn, alarm. But it's your apartment.

So is it easier to stop? Okay. Are we going to edit that point? Are you just going to keep it in his flavor? I mean, bad flavor? It's like finding a fly in your suit. It's like finding a half worm in your apple.

So in the happening, he plays a science teacher who tells his students, there are some things man will just never know, which I think is the exact opposite of the scientist's creed. In this movie, he is a scientist and inventor who believes that some things just shouldn't be invented. If I'm being nice, I'll say that he is a modern redo of Dr. Sarizala of the first Godzilla movie who invents a weapon to destroy Godzilla, but it's too powerful for humans to keep me to making and he kills himself rather than let anyone steal his knowledge. But instead, it's like if instead of killing himself to keep a weapon from being in human hands. All right, I'll handle this. Don't worry, guys. I'm on top of it. You keep talking. I'll keep talking about Drousy Dan figures out why his oven is making an alarm

noise. On this, the worst episode of The VLOG pass. So it's rather than taking it upon himself to sacrifice his life to save the Earth from a weapon, he instead uses an alien sword laser to shoot an alien robot who's fighting another alien robot over a seed bomb that will turn the Earth into an alien robot planet. And then another part, he kills a guy by hitting him with a football and then kicking him out of the window. Yes. He also has a daughter who is 17. And though she is not legal to have sex with, she's certainly legal for the Michael Bay

audience to ogle. It's an interesting moral quandary because she has a slightly older boyfriend who keeps in his wallet, eliminated card, explaining why the law that says it's not set to a rape that he's going out of this 17 year old. And Mark Wahlberg spends the home movies telling him how it's bad for him a 20 year old to go at a 17 year old. And yet the movie is just fine with us just seeing down her shirt and upper shorts and everything like that.

Yeah, but yeah, it is funny. Like, yeah, he has the law that explains like, look, I started dating her when we were both underage. So it's cool now. I've been grandfathered in and I've laminated it. I'm laminated to show anybody who doubts. You know, it's the justification of me inserting my penis into her. Well, that's, I mean, it's got to be a goof, right? That's meant to be like a joke. I mean, it's meant to be a joke, but the character still does it. Yeah. It's a creepy, creepy joke. So when that character is introduced, that signals the exit of the previously introduced TJ Miller

character who plays like a surfer, Canadian surfer, do we have, we haven't gotten yet to his exit. Let's just say that this is after, I guess in the last movie, there was a fight in Chicago between a bunch of robots. Yeah. Some call them transformers. I call them Changel Robes. I call them GoBots.

Because they go and they're robots. Yeah. I call them Transformatrons, which is like Transformers, but just different enough that I can't be sued. I call them Roombas, which enough that I can't be sued. I call them Rumbas which are robots that can Rumba. Is there any on screen evidence that they can Rumba?

I've set up first off. I've said I've said in this case. I'm trying to capture them rumbaing, you know like nanny camps. I haven't done it yet. Because I believe I believe that they rumba but I'm not done it yet. Because I believe in the cams. I believe that they were humble, but I'm not looking. Okay. I mean, if you have no evidence to the contrary, you have to assume it's true. That's what Sherlock Holmes said, right? Yeah.

So, mean what? So, the transformers are, I guess, Autobots are allowed to just walk around and do whatever legally, but there's a CIA operation, a black ops group called Cemetery Wind. Cemetery Wind. Is what happens when a grave digger farts? Sure. And they are a great album name.

Yes, Cemetery. Yeah. And they are led by Kelsey Grammer, who is continuing some of the sci-fi slombing he started with X-Men 3, X-Men United. And they're hunting down both decepticons and Autobots because he wants to eliminate the earth of wants to eliminate alien robot, change of tronds from the earth and he is doing that with help from the help of a transformer bounty hunter named lockdown who is it looks more human than the other transformers which is weird and we and it's like, okay, let me just get

to stay on one thing. This movie has like three plotlines in it. And yet somehow it felt like I was watching the an entire season's worth of a Transformers show cut down to a two hour 45 minute movie. And like characters were jumping all over the place. There are things going on where I had to fill in the gaps in my mind. It's a hard film to follow. Yes, it's hard film to watch and a hard film to follow. Because there's always things flying around on screen like a bunch and eventually the point where there's just cubes flying around on screen making robots before our eyes. In some of the worst CGI

effects I think I've ever seen, maybe. It has some of the most hilarious, bad blue screen background effects. I've seen it moving a long time. But anyway, Kadeager finds an old truck. Turns out it's Optimus Prime, albeit up. Optimus Prime, of course, the leader of the Autobots. And he's a red, white, and blue patriotic truck who responds to every situation in this movie by yelling, I'll kill you and firing a big gun at people.

And then it's, it's weird is. So he gives a lot of speeches about honor and freedom. And he expresses his honor by stabbing another robot in the back. And he expresses his freedom by enslaving a dinosaur robot and breaking its will so he can ride it into battle. But also after he finds his space night sword on lockdowns prison ship that's floating of Chicago for reasons that we're not totally sure about since and we haven't even gotten that

part yet. It's so hard to tell the plot of this movie that jumping ahead to all the crazy. Yeah, but also like just taking a moment to talk about transformers in general because because this film has a lot of the same metaphysical problems that the car's films had, which is just like explained. Well, okay, all right, these transformers, they can apparently transform into pretty much anything, except for they mostly just transform back and forth

between whatever car they've decided to look like and themselves a robot. Most of them can fly, but they always keep turning into cars. And they have. And they have. And they're in people form. They don't fly. At the end of the movie, Optus Prime starts flying.

And it's like, well, why don't you do that at all in the whole movie? And sometimes they have people inside them that seem to be driving them. Why does that need to happen? Well, I gave you my explanation while I was watching the movie that... You get some kind of sexual release from it? They get a very strong sexual pleasure from it that a robot's lack of a better word, clitoris, is located in the steering wheel. And so you need a human to activate that.

It's a pleasure, Senator. I mean, clitoris is good at word, is that right? It has more pleasure nerves than any other part of the robot's body. And what pleasure nerves than a that a males pleasure centers. Well, all the robots are men. So I don't know unless robot, unless transform or women have masculine features and voices. Well, here's nothing in the cartoon. There was, there was a lady bot. That's the other thing that's great is that their robots and they're made out of metal and yet they still have human features that make no sense,

like a beard made out of chains. John Goodman, I think it's John, I'm pretty sure it's gun-jogging. Voices a fat robot. It's like, why is this robot that? Yeah, that is Amy's like, this was my chance to be a skinny robot. But like, what do you want to eat too many nuts and bolts.

Well, I have to be typecasts, fat robot. But also, yeah, these are robots, like they carry around guns. They can't just have the gun. But the guns are also, the guns are, I think both part of them and not, and there's a part of the N-word fat bot is like, I'm running out of ammo.

And I think the ammo is their poop. And that's how they make it, like the physiology, and they make a bit of the- Yeah, their bodies are like fremen still suits, where it converts their waist into a life-giving mineral. It's a life-giving our ammo. And they make a point in the movie, at some point of explaining that,

they're not really robot robots. They're made of some kind of organic metal that can shape shift around and turn into anything, but they're alive. What's that metal called? It's called Transformium. That sounds like science. But also there was also a scene where, so okay, let's get back to the, okay, Mark Walberg finds off this primary fixes him up with the help of... This is what I was gonna have to do. ...goofy sidekick T.J. Miller. And Optimus Prime said he's like,

oh, he's like, I have a thing inside me. We call it the spark. It is our power source, and also contains our memories. And Mark Walberg goes, we call that a soul. No, we don't. The soul is not an organ in your body that powers you and keeps your memories. You can almost get shot by a missile. Yeah, it can, that can, is a physical organ in your body that powers you and keeps your memories.

You can almost get shot by a missile. Yeah, you can, that can, is a physical thing that can be shot by a missile. Yeah. It needs to be fixed. It needs someone to come in with a battery to like give it a job. And you have to check it out. Money of us do need help repairing our souls.

It's called faith. Give a pamphlet for me. I actually have a pamphlet called, so you need to re-grout your tiles. It's not about this particular subject, but it is helpful, hands on how to re-grout your tiles. It says something about faith in your original tile work. Yeah, because you don't re-grout instead of getting the whole bathroom. Or just redoing the whole bathroom.

Now, have you heard the good news? Re-grouting your tiles is easier than ever. It's all in my... I have some literature I was wondering if you look at here. Take this stress test. I'm gonna use this emeter to measure how much grouting your tiles need. Oh, they need a lot.

You're gonna need to do some testing to get these statements out of your grout. I think that would be a pretty effective religion if you started it honestly. It's practical, is the point. It's practical, it's the point. Yeah, yeah. We worship Bob Vila. That's the main thing.

Anyway, what did you want to say about transformers and KD-Jayder and their souls? I know, I was basically what you said about how they had this spark. I mean, the divine spark that existed in all of us, except for their spark is a thing that you can see. It makes me wonder if on Cybertron there's a painting by Michael Angetron of God creating Optimus Prime and giving him the spark of life on the ceiling of the Sistine Robo Chapel. I can only assume that, sure. You know, where the cyber Pope lives.

Yeah. Okay. Anyway, back to the movie. The CIA catches wind, cemetery wind, of Optimus Prime being at KDager's house. It's kind of implied that his assistant JT Miller contacted the TJ Miller. I always think it's JT that TJ Miller. Do you like Justin Taylor Thomas and the United States in tool time, or no Bob Vila, my mistake? A Bob Vila was on Tool Time once. If you remember, Tim Allen tried to stump him by planting a question from a caller, really, his wife,

about an old medieval tool. Turns out it's an ads. Bob Vila knew exactly what it was. So for those keeping score at home, I have trouble remembering my family's birthdays, but I remember this plot of this fucking home improvement episode that I saw once My brain is terrible anyway, so the CIA shit, but it's never made explicitly clear as far as I can tell Is this what it's like to not drain? Oh no, when he says it's never made explicitly clear.

He means the plot of the entire movie. Yeah, everything in the movie. That Miller was the one who called the CIA, but the point is, the CIA show up, there's a big shootout with Optimus Prime. Titus Wellover shows up. You remember him as the bad, like, weird, like, metaphysical dude from the end of lost. I don't remember that. Okay. Anyway, there's a bit, and we're introduced,

there's a big chase, we're introduced to Mark Wahlberg's daughter's boyfriend Shane, who is a race car driver, who just got picked up by Red Bull, he says, but nobody seems to recognize him throughout the movie. They also have a- They can be a huge famous guy. They have a secret trick that they do at the car

where he steers and the girlfriend operates the gear shift. I think it's the gear shift. And- I think it's the pull brake. Oh, maybe. And they like spin around to go off a ramp and it never gets used again. So that's one of those things where they're like, here's a skill these characters have.

We're gonna plant it here and then ignore it for the rest of the move. Yeah, they introduce him as being an awesome driver and then he basically never drives again. Yeah. And of course Miller first sends his turn and then a roller-stitch. The. And, uh, and of course, Miller first ends his turn. So I mean, the second gunslinger novel, where the gunslinger loses his thumbs and can't shoot his guns.

Gun comes. That happened. Oh, sorry. Uh oh. I mean, I, I've read, I've read up to like, I think I feel like there's like two of those novels that I haven't read up to the center. It says and then his thumbs were and then you put it down and you didn't pick it up again. I think he actually only loses one of his.

But they do shoot people after that. Let's get one. Let's get one turn. I turned off when I found out Stephen King was going to star and I'm late. Let's get one thing straight. This movie is about two things. Big robots punch each other and cars chase in each other. There's a lot of car chases and sometimes those car chases

inexplicably end in people getting out of cars as explosions blow up around them. This car chase is one of them. There's a lot of times this movie where things are blowing up and I'm not quite sure why they're blowing up. It just seems like the Transformers universe is one where oxygen plus fuel plus heat equals fire. Thanks.

So there you go. Thanks Professor Wizard. Thanks, Mr. Science Guy. That's Professor Wizard is. Yeah, like that's his double door, I guess. Like, because it works at a school. He works at a school. He runs the school, Dan.

No, that's not true. Yeah, like Steve John worked at Apple. Like the custodian, right? Yeah. Yeah. It works in admissions. He worked his way up from custodian to dean. I mean, if you call a job you love working, then yeah, I guess he worked at Hogwarts. So there's the transformers seem to exist in a universe where gambit stopped by and charge

up every object so that you just need to nudge it and it explodes. Yeah. And as you pointed out, like the Transformers are constantly like hitting each other and exploding and like little bits of them are flying off but it does not seem to affect their ability to be a robot. Every punch, yeah, it's like a spray of shrapnel and screws. It's like if you saw movies starring people where every punch knocked like 30 teeth out of their mouth and then they went and had dinner and they're just eating steak and things like that.

Like the transformers take at one point I just find this. I got to understand there's a scene in this movie where a transformer sat down for two. The train and when at near the end, the end, Aptus Prime is impaled with a giant sword and he's pretty much fine. He's kind of like the girlfriend and Cloverfield who's impaled on that rebar or whatever it is. And they just slide her off and she's okay for the rest of the movie. But this lit the good guys escape and it leads to a game. How can you tell which robot is stronger than the other robots? Well, is it the paint job? It seems to be whoever needs to win a fight for the purposes of that

scene. Okay. Because there are times when the bad guys are stronger than the good guys and times when the good guys are stronger than the bad guys. Just like real life. They introduced some, yeah. Right. This deep damn is very deep. They introduced the dino bots later on spoiler and the dino bots are terrifyingly strong until the movie needs them to be weak in which case they spent a lot of time tripping

over their own feet and falling down. Falling at the ground. Just falling off of buildings tripping over their own feet and falling down. Falling at the ground. Just falling off of buildings over and over again. Like there's a bunch of robo banana peels strewn about to slip on. Anyway, a game of cat and mouse and soos between the CIA and KD Ager and pals. This is totally pointless because then KD Ager decides to get into to sneak into KSI, a corporation that is making new transformers

out of the bodies of old transformers and is run by Stanley Tucci. Yeah. Yeah. I wish I wish he decided when the beard was over the top of town. It's going to be when he gets he wins his Academy Award for this role and they announced his victory call over. He walks over all the seats. I make a love to all of your face.

My journal, Transformer Press. Life is a Transformer, beautiful. He's the thing, etc. But he doesn't seem to necessarily be evil. He's just interested in harnessing transform or technology. He seems pretty evil at first. He only cares about his transformer technology. He sees them as things that he can rip apart.

He's torturing one of them, this tiny little irritating guy to get information about traditional... He's always a racist voice transformer. Here's the thing. We meet some of the other transformers who are just hiding out in the desert, I guess, behind a bunch of boots and things like that. And Macy's, and they are fat-bought, the fat robot who fires guns a lot.

There's samurai-bought, the samurai robot. Yeah, he's Japanese robot for some reason. And there's the robot with the trench coat and kind of like a Jason Statham type accent. Yep, yeah. And... And Sean Demaggio kind of like a Jason Statham type accent. Yeah, yeah. And, uh, it's John D'Amaggio is doing like a, a British. I wish he had done.

Is John D'Amaggio tired of being tight cast as a robot? Probably. Yeah. When everyone knows the party was born to play was the secret son of Joe D'Amaggio. Oh, I see. Uh, secret and, and bumblebee's there. I'm not a fan. I'm not a fan. It's the easiest to understand of all the robots. Let me say this about Transformers real quick, just interject. When I was a kid, I loved the Transformers. But I apparently did not love them enough to remember almost any of the characters.

So I don't know if these characters are from the cartoon series. I don't know if they're from like the most. I don't know if they're from the cartoon series. I don't know if they're from like the most cartoon series. I don't know if they're from like the most cartoon series. I don't know if they're from like the most cartoon series. I don't know if they're from like the most cartoon series. I love the Transformers. Okay. But I apparently did not love them enough to remember almost any of the characters. So I don't know if these characters are from the cartoon series. I don't know if they're from like the Marvel comic series. I mean, Bumblebee is.

Bumblebee is like the characters remember like Optimus Prime, Bumblebee, Starscream. Is that a guy? Yeah. Grimlock. And that one that turned into a boom box and the other guy turned into a table. Which one is the boom box? Which one is the bad one? Swim box and crunch flakes. It was a crunch flakes.

It was juice box. Dr. Transforms on. We're laying up not a Dr. Robot. No, no, no. He was a doctor of English literature. I mean, he drove up. He was a book mobile. He transformed into a book mobile, yeah. There's the thing about the Transformers,

like of all of those 80s cartoons that were designed to like sell toys. In this case, we're designed around pre-existing Japanese toys. Like Transformers were a brilliant toy line that then once you tried to like turn into a story didn't make any sense. I'll tell you they were better than that toy line where it was robots that transformed into rocks. Do you remember those? Yeah, those weren't transformers? No, no, it was a different toy line and

when they were not transformed they looked like crazy monsters but then they just turned into rocks. Yeah, but it's just so exciting. You know, like it's great. We are a kid. It's great to play with a toy where it's like, oh, this is a vehicle, and then it transforms into a robot. But then when you try to justify that with a story, everything falls apart. These robots have to hide amongst us, or else we'll be frightened and I guess destroy them or something.

That's why that one turns into a giant boom box. Because if you just saw that on the street, you'd be like, oh, yeah, that's that giant boom box. It keeps moving around. Oh, that class oldenburg sculpture of a giant boom box. Here's the thing. I think there's certain things that, where is that dinosaur that knows it always around?

I don't know a lot. Oh no, thank goodness it's just that Tyrannosaurus. Like you'd see on an ordinary street. Oh no, thank goodness it's just that Tyrannosaurus. Like you'd see on an ordinary street. Don't find me. A robot. Oh no, it's just a giant gun big enough for a giant robot to use. Here's the thing about cartoons and movies.

I'll just say it right here. There are certain things that I will buy in a children's cartoon, such as robots from outer space that transform into cars. Friends children are in a battle with bad robots from space that transform to cars that I will not buy in a live-action film. And as, but I do love how, like, there is, I don't think there's any way to do a Transformers movie where I'm gonna buy into the premise in a live action sense. But I do love that adult humans had to stand in front of a camera and say things like activating Gravotron and stuff like that. And that Kelsey Grammer had to talk about, they like, I don't want any alien robots on my planet.

And he used to say, tell me we're Optimus Prime. It's, I went from... And he was like, I was in down Paris, Bill. People. I was in down Paris, Bill. People. I was a boss. There's a- Here's the thing. Again.

I went as a kid, it bothered me when grown-ups were in these movies and they were like, whatever, it's some stupid cartoon thing. Like, Jimmy Irons in the D&D movie? Yeah, but now I love that stuff. I love thinking about these adult actors reading the script and being like, I don't know what the fuck I'm doing in this thing. I don't know if it'll buy me a car. And sometimes when you have a guy like Stanley Tucci to get back to where we were before, he manages to bring a level of ham to it that's very enjoyable. So Stanley Tucci is the head of this

company where they're making new robots that are transforming him. He introduces that idea by picking up a ball of transform him that looks like an egg And then it flies around a lot like shitty lawnmower man CGI Yeah, and they're all going ooh, and we the audience are just cracking up because it looks hilarious terrible it looks like the CGI demo that they'd packaged with like a Video you bought in the early 90s, the late 80s. It looks like a bad screensaver. Yeah, you expect just a shitload of pipes and flying toasters to come out of it.

Yeah, and not to say that was a bad screensaver. It could be the clip art guy should have shown up and complained about how shitty it was. He showed up in the corner of the screen and said, it looks like you need help making this movie. Maybe make it less shitty. looks like you need help making this movie. Maybe make it less shitty. They, for some reason, they're able to, they decide to infiltrate KSI this company, but Bumblebee gets mad because there's all these

promotional videos that are being projected on walls where they're just shit talking about Bumblebee. They're like, they do. They made a promotional video where scientists and a model are like, it's based on the plans for Bumblebee, our new robot, Stinger, but Bumblebee was very bad. He was a crappy robot. In fact, he was the junkiest of the junk bots, and Bumblebee takes it personally, of course, because they're literally calling him out.

And it's also nothing where it's like the same way that there's something funny about how in the Marvel Universe Wolverine is now just a character that regular people know of, that like in the Transformers universe, the average person is expected to know who Bumblebee is. We're like, that optimism is primed. Yeah. Yeah.

They're just reporters going up to people on the straight, going, excuse me, what do you feel about what Bumblebee said about the economy? That like, optimism is primed as a name that a normal person would be here and then he would read in the newspaper. The hashtag Bumblebee sucks is trending. Now, and I want to read like a New York Times article about the events. It's like, Mr. Prime stated that he and Mr. what's the, what's the magnet? What's the bad guy to accept a con?ager? No, the bad guy to accept a con. Megatron.

Megatron. Galvatron. No, but no, but Galvatron is an omnichron. Omnichron. Chronomon. Banchon. Anonist. Wait, hold on. No, that's a different thing.

Anyway, they. From. From. Let. From. From. From. From. Anyway, they, there's, let, let, from, from bots. From bones,

but, senior from bot. Okay. And Mitt Rombot. Now, so here's the thing. I have been saying here's the thing a lot because I'm trying to figure out what the thing is about this movie.

There's another card in the movie. There is no thing in this movie. It's empty at its core. There's another fight. It turns out they're trying to make a robot called Galvatron, who is also a big, big rig truck. Because what better way to defend America and the earth than to have a big rig truck that turns into a robot?

But they lose control of Galvatron because it turns out he's actually a reborn. Megatron. Megatron. I cannot remember these names. He turns out he's actually a reborn Tron legacy. Turns out Megatron legacy, the quickening, has played Stanley Tucci into making a new better body for him. And he uses a body that a body like Ultron, huh? Yeah, I mean, Ultron makes his own bodies. Okay, so it's it's better than the other

Transformers because they cut out the middle man when it transforms from a truck to a like a robot man body It turns into this cloud of swirling little boxes like a man a bot. Yeah, but they're really big They're like macronano box like giant cubes and it flies around which makes me wonder why do they like to turn into magic? How they just fly around? No, a bunch of magic cube was like a little alien that came out when you sold the cube. Yeah, and then he mostly turned into like a Ferrari or something. Yeah, yeah, because why not? Because the kid was was driving him. Yeah, this all pretty much kid. Yeah, the witch kid. The kid was driving him. Yeah. This all primes. Which kid? Yeah, the witch kid.

The kid who's a witch. Not to be confused with this. That's the same Terry Potter. I thought anybody was a wizard. I mean, it's the same thing, dude. They're totally different. I seem to remember saying someone said you're a wizard.

You're a wizard, Harry. One of those is Julie's. Yeah. So Galvatron is really Megatron and he's made out of cloud of cubes. And you're saying why bother to be a truck or a man when you can be a fan of cubes all the time. The other day I was watching. They should have called him Cuba Tron. Cuba Gooding Junior Tron.

The other day I was watching this TV show with my wife about makeup artists and it showed the back of a guy with a long white ponytail and all the makeup artists got super excited and I'm like, Charlene, it's got to be Julian's hands. It turned out I was a Rick Baker but that was a moment where you got a glimpse of how cool her husband is. Like they're all geeking out because it's a guy from the warlock. Cool is the word I was going to use. Yeah. So there's a big fight. Then there's another big fight. It turns out Lachatron is trying to get Optimus Prime Tron because he's a bounty hunter working for the creators of the Transformers who want to take the Transformers back for some reason. It turns out there was some breed of Transformers.

It's a recall. Mystical. It's some faulty parts. It's a faulty soul. And if you rear end Optimus Prime, he's just gonna blow up. Yeah, because everything in the movie blows up all the time. If you look at something weird in the movie, it blows up.

So here's where there are two plots that diverge and converge seemingly at random, where Gret Lovato. And which one seemingly at random where uh, grant law law bot. Which one you take. That will make all the difference. I took the plot less traveled by which was the one out of this movie. Uh, uh, dog the bounty hunter, Tron from outer space is trying to collect these nights of the robo sphere or something like that of which Optimus Prime is one.

So he kidnaps him, uh him and the heroes have to go save him Meanwhile at the same time and Mark Walberg's daughter also gets kidnapped Meaning that they now get to wander through a HR Geiger to the point where it's close enough that HR Geiger can't sue them. Yeah If anyone could do it, it's HR guy here. Yeah. He'd come back as some sort of sexual mechanical organ. Like the gun that comes out of lockdown box face. You would be the robot penis from the end of Tetsuo, the Iron Man, would come charging

at you and then it would hand you legal papers and say, you got served. Shove and court, you're being sued for copyright infringement. Yeah. Now, at the same time, Grava Megagalvatron is looking for a thing called the seed, which Stanley Tucci has control of somehow, because let's just say one thing. Objects and characters in this movie appear

and disappear at random, depending on when they're needed. There's a woman who works for Stanley Tucci, who disappears for a long period of the movie and then suddenly just with him running around and you're like wait was he carrying her in his pocket like did she I was she taking a nap inside of his ear like how did she's like uh... she's like elvis and true romance kind of giving advice yeah yeah she actually does she says that she's just a projection of issue

Tyler Jordan type of by Sophia Miles by the way. I remember. I'm sorry. Sorry. Sorry, I just forgot. I remember from Terry's Wigoffs failed follow up art school confidential. Oh, okay. Great Adam Scott performance and that one.

Yeah. Is there such a thing as a not great Adam Scott performance? Uh, call us Adam Scott. Call in. Call up the program. Tell us if you have an idea of what your worst performance is. Anyway. thing as a not great Adam Scott performance. Uh, call it. Adam Scott. Call in. Call it the program. Tell us if you have an idea of what your worst performance is. Anyway, so the mega Galvatron wants the seed, which will turn all, which will explode

with the power of a tactical nuke and turn people into metal for transformers to eat. People, dinosaurs, whoever. Uh, Optimus Prime is captured in a ship hovering over Chicago, which they're, they're like the engines are set to go in nine minutes. We got to save him 15 minutes later. That ship has gone nowhere and then still running around inside it trying to find Optimus Prime. The two plotlines converge in Hong Kong where the good guys fight a bunch of Decepticons. Well, Optimus Prime beat down a Tyrannosaurus robot.

So I was like, I've got a call upon the power of dinosaurs. That's the other thing. Characters in the movie state what they're doing in the, in the, just the blandest stream of stream of, there's a part where Optimus Prime, everyone was, is now to show them why we're here. And that we're here. And what we're doing, or something like that's his battle cry.

Later on, at the end he goes, there are many questions we're not meant to answer. But why we are here is not one of them. Really, that seems like the main question that's never gonna get answered. There's a big fight. All the bad guys are defeated, hooray. Yeah, I fall asleep somewhere in here.

There's a good guys all work together to feed the bounty hunter. Because when he let the Dino bots free, he said, the legend is true in a completely different language. I'm assuming Japanese. But I also, what legend of Dino bots had ever heard about before this? The legend of the trailer of Transformers, Age of Extinction. The legend of the trailer of Transformers Age of Extinction.

The legend of the cardboard stand-up in the lobby. The big billboard in Times Square that had Optimus Prime riding a dinosaur on it. Here's. And that's like two over two hours into the movie. Oh, the Dino Bots don't show up until the last scene. The opening of the movie is a bunch of dinosaurs getting covered in metal and turning to ash or some shit. So you assume you're immediately like, oh my god, it's going to be all dinosaurs.

These dinosaur robots must be really important to the plot. They certainly can't just be another added weapon that the heroes use at the last minute for a little bit. And then forget about, because when Optimus Prime wins, the Dino bots are just allowed to wander off freely. So, these enormous thousand foot dinosaur robots just walking the earth doing whatever. I think one of the other- Looking for employment?

One of the other robots like, I'll ride with you anytime. Like, how about forever? Now, why don't you watch those guys, make sure they don't eat any humans. And all throughout this, there's characters chasing other characters, things were exploding, people are yelling, the shots don't always match up, that you have to figure out information that should be just told to you. Well, there's information you know that's told you over and over again, like, if the characters run into an elevator to escape, someone is shooting a gun at them, they go,

an elevator, the elevator door won't close. We gotta get out of this elevator. I'll get out of the elevator. And like a giant magnet starts pulling up all the cars in Hong Kong to get the transformers. And they're like, a magnet, the magnet still pulling us, getting the car, the magnet's pulling the car. Like we're watching a, there was a radio show.

They're gonna marry with their team. It seems like it's this unstoppable weapon. And then all of a sudden, Optus Prime just shoots it a couple times and they're totally, like, oh, it seems like it seems just like it's this unstoppable weapon and then all of a sudden Optus Prime just shoots at a couple times and they're totally like oh it's done. The entire bad guy's spaceship. Yeah. And so at the end Optus Prime leaves them and says your family is great, defend them forever and Mark Wahlberg and his daughter any conflict they had is settled, which just to show is so if you're a father having son connecting with your daughter, go on a three-hour adventure where you're fighting robots and everything will be fine.

And Optimus Prime flies off into space to confront his creators to tell them Earth is off limits because why not steal the end of Prometheus while you're at it? Sure, go ahead. So Transformers 5, but anyway. Optimus. So Transformers. We've anyway. Optimus. So. Transfivers. We've fast five farmers. Much like this movie.

We've already got farmers. We've run long. So I think we need to skip to final judgments, whether this is a good bad movie, a bad, bad movie, or a movie kind of like, I'm going to start and say that for like, for like an hour and twenty minutes, I was like, this is kind of stupid fun because like, here's the thing about Michael Bay, like he makes terrible movies, but there's something about his bombast. I sometimes find charming.

Now while we're watching the movie, you were arguing the point that Michael Bay is a craftsman whereas I would say he is just Lord of the Hacks. I was in Mark. I was not. He's the best of the Hacks. You could compare it to like an Italian Schumacher or like I think he used the word strata various of action at one point. No, none of these things came. I by craftsman if I use that word I just meant that he applies more like he's a light touch. He is subtle and elegant. Now every, I think what you're saying is, he has a lot of belong across a lot of technical skills that a lot of other hacks do not have.

He has a lot of technical skill when it comes to bags of tricks. Slow-mo shooting shots, backlit, or at dust or dawn, like things flying around a lot. What he doesn't have is craft of this shot. Go here and match this shot. Now we know the character went from here to there. This is where I'm going. Like he has a lot of bomb best.

There's something. There's something kind of charming about that for a while. He needs one more piece, then I'll have the entire puzzle. There's something kind of charming for that for a while, like listening to like a John Phillips Suza March, but you but you don't want it like you don't want to hear like okay three fucking hours of like a Su-Sah March at top volume. Well you wouldn't hear the same March it would be a concert of different Su-Sah Marches. Well with Michael Bayer you're hearing the same Su-Sah March for three hours and so by the end of it or not even even by the end, like by the, the,

like, one third in, I'm like, okay, I'll go here and see the stories lost. And now I have no interest in what's happening. And that's why I'm gonna say, if you watch this movie in three pieces, it would be a good, bad movie. That's true. Because it's crazily stupid.

I don't know that I've ever seen a movie this dumb. And I've seen dumb movies, but this movie is super dumb in a way that like, I haven't seen other Transformers movies in a long time since I've seen a new Michael Bay movie because he's been making Transformers movies for a while. But this movie reaches a level of stupid that I found very entertaining to make fun of.

But if it's long, so you'd have to watch it in like three pieces, you know. Do you read? Yeah, I mean, it's tough to say because this is basically like, like a three hour long movie trailer. Yeah. Like a lot of cuts, a lot of like shots from down below looking up at you, all kinds of shit.

It doesn't really make any sense and it ends up not even being that much fun. So I would say bad, bad movie. All right. So we actually have a few sponsors tonight for the podcast. I have a very special sponsor. So I think maybe I'll go last. Sure. Do one of you guys know jump in tonight guys. The flop house is supported in part by audible.com. The internet's leading provider of spoken audio information,

entertainment and infotainment. Audible is offering Flop House listeners a free audiobook and a free 30-day trial membership. Go to audiblepodcast.com slash Flop House. That way, you can get a free audiobook of your choice now at audiblepodcast.com slash Flop House. That way you can get a free audiobook of your choice now at audiblepodcast.com slash Flock House. It is the website of choice of the real Flock Housewives of Kings County's book club. Hey, what are you, what are those Housewives reading right now? Do you know? I don't know.

Something my wife's complaining about. Meg Wirlitzer novel. All right. And that I think that my wife chose and I think the other wives are not happy about it. But I say, yeah, listen, Stuart, and call an audible audible.com, that is. I hear that there are movies for your mind. No, that's a blind date. Oh, okay. I only read that.

I've never heard that. This is an audible book on tape, which is different. Okay. Right? Yeah, I'm really thinking. It's a guy reading a book. Because sometimes it's the author. Other times it's a celebrity. But there's no tape. It's like a file. Sometimes it's powers booth. Point is, if you go to the automobile, you get a, yeah, you get a free audiobook of your choice at audiblepodcast.com slash flop. But not a tape. Uh, no, I think it's a digital file.

Okay. That's just what I do. I guess you can record it to tape if you have that technology. Well, yeah, if you're a transformer or something, like a big boombox with a little robot tape in it. Yeah. Uh, hey, another sponsor is Squarespace. Is that your space for squares and nerds?

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So I'll, I'll call it a dear to your heart. Very personal. Well, I would call it an ad for a product you use a friend of the show. Uh, and, um, so it's four. Now look, we all love, we all love Dildos guys. I think I'm not going to buy into this premise. Who doesn't love a good deal though? Maybe say so.

I guess. What's the main problem with Dildos? They're not open source enough. I don't know. Explain what that means. Have you ever won your Dildo to be more open source? Well, the good people at Comangle have done it. Here's the thing.

They got a campaign going on right now for their multi vibrating open source dildo platform, which means you can program this fucking dildo. To bring me a beer. You're gonna look reminded me when my grandma's birthday is dildo. Remind me when my grandma's birthday is dildo. What you do is you hook this dildo up to whatever sensor you want to. You can control it by squeezing a stuffed animal. You can control it by the movement of a whip you might hit your partner with. You can control it with your own pulse or the very thrusting you do in and out of your partner. Or just, you can hook this dildo up to Skype,

and the dildo responds to Skype's stimuli. So at Co-Mingle, that's CO, M-I-N-G-L-E.io, we have an hard at work for over a year and a half this day to bring you our flagship product, the MOD, a multi vibrating open source, Dildo platform. It's body-safe silicone, it's gender neutral. Now that's a cool MOD, and you can control it with whatever sensor you like. So start imagining your fantastic use for the M.O.D. today. Guys, yep. So I want to thank all our sponsors, Squirrels, and Zonable for the last time

that I think they'll be buying space from us. It's a little more. So go to... This is quite a picture of this Dildo, Dan. Well, they want you to go to comingle.io to contribute to the Indie Go-Go campaign. Okay, go and purchase your own M.O.D. Dildo. Wall Supplies last. Now, what? Is there a way this is part two? The people behind this open source Dildo.

They've given us a few examples. Say... I'll see you guys later. Say for Ali. I'm gonna go now. Say for Ali. Ali wants to program his deal though to respond as he pleases. Ali's still though. Say it could be hooked up to a microphone to make his sultry

letter songs even more sexy. Let's do it. It's like a Howard Stern's situation. The sensors can keep a log of activity during sex to later compile into infographics as visual aids for your sex describing. Wait, for your sex records, what? For tax purposes. And for me, Dan McCoy, you can put it in a butt.

Thank you. You can put it in a butt. I can't. Look it up to a computer vision butt detector to have the dildo do extra crazy at the side of the butts. You can put a parental advisory of getting this episode right. They're all get parental advice. What? There's so much swearing. It's all explicit content. So if you're interested in an open source dildo,

and I can't imagine why you would not go to gama. Makes a great gift. Comingold.io. Buy dildo, don't like to go to gago campaign. And thank you to all our sponsors. What kind of apps does it come with? Um, like helping your poppers. Yeah.

Like chicken wings. Yeah, I've been on, on onion blossom. I believe that if you're not a, if you're not programming savvy, the people at Cummingle have some programs you can download to help you start programming your dildos. It's a, it's a really worthwhile opportunity because I've always thought, I think about Dildo's are too simple. Let's complicate them a little bit. It's a sexertunity.

I know there's a lot of pervazoids in pervazoids. I feel like that should be your catchphrase now. It's a sexertunity. Certainly, pick up line. Yeah, there's a lot of pervazoids and pervazettes listening. It's very happy to have more digital control of their foe Valley. So, like, my dildo options are limited and now my dildo options are unlimited. I only have a certain amount of money in my dildo budget. Where do I spend my dildo dollars?

Thank you. What's the exchange rate between dildo dollars and American dollars? It's 14 space bucks. Thank you to audible.com. Squarespace.com and co-minkle.io. Okay, cool. I want to next step of this podcast. Well, in lieu of letters, you know, in lieu of letters. No letters today. No letters for you.

No letters. Letters not here No letters for you. No letters. Letters not here. We got no let. OK. So yeah, in lieu of letters. I mean, there's sort of like letters, but we had a live show for our last show. So we haven't been together since Christmas.

It's been a long time. But we've got some gifts here that I wanted to distribute like a late Santa Claus. Santa Claus died. That's so sad. I mean, he never brought me any presents. He was a medic piece of it. He was burned upon a funeral beer. So this for oh yeah, because he's like a Viking type or something, right? This is the fighting the warlord, Krompus. The elves push off his funeral pyre into the arc 16. This first one is for Stuart alone. Mrs. Claus is now the war maiden of the tribe.

She's burned upon the beer with him. She threw herself upon it. It's terrible. No gift for the two, for you and I, I'm afraid. Why would we have any? It's from Brian Lassen withheld, who has given us the gift of each day I get to spend with you, fine people. Give us to a full moon toys, Legend of Horror, Action Figure

Series, Castle Freak. Oh, okay, let me check under that skirt. What? He writes, I hope the figurine is anatomically correct in order to put to bed. Once for all the question, if Castle Freak did truly rip off its ding dong. Thanks for all the laughs. Brian last name redacted. I'm now I mean like the absence of a ding dong does not prove anything about. He could have lost that in a farm accident. Yeah. Now here's this just means that Stuart can now act out the scenes he wishes was in prove anything about he could have lost that no worthy in a farm accident. Yeah. Now

here's this just means that Stuart can now act out the scenes he wishes was in Kessel Freak. Is he standing in front of a giant tombstone? I don't really know what that piece of wood. I don't know, but Stu, this gives you a chance. I think to re-plug your Kessel Freak screen. Yeah, I'm going to get this autographed by the freak himself, the actor who played Georgia of the freak is going to be at autographed by the freak himself, the actor who played Georgia of the freak is going to be at the Alamo draft house in the Yonkers, Yonkers, New York, on February 21st, it's Saturday night. I think it's at eight or something. Just check the website. I'll be, I guess, hosting it alongside the titular freak, the actor

who played the castle freak. So come on down to the alamo draft house February 21st So the second we got a we got some gifts from Kevin Brady who sent a Christmas card That's very nice with him and Terry Cruz Well, so that's pretty good. I just in and of itself, but I'll just just read out these gifts. Here's one for you Ellie. Oh, thanks, Dan I'm for you Stuart. They all had they have Alan Ruck Rapping paper. I already unwrapped mine. Oh good wait, huh? Well, I read the I read the letter And I On wrapping sounds on wrapping sounds unwrapping unwrapping theater of year. I happen, I read the letter and I happen to already,

oh, the thing that he got me. Don't tell him that. No, no, I think it will make him appreciate you. Let me guess it's a dildo that's not open source. It's a, it's a collection of Andy Siddaris movies. You do, you have the complete collection, yeah. Well, he got me a package of Abraham Lincoln band aids. Yeah, and oh, that's great for when you get all your dings and nicks and guns.

Yeah, unfortunately, there's one one of these band-aids will not be able to help you with. And that's a gunshot to the back of the head. Are you expecting one of those? No, you never expect them. And I got a novely bottle opener, which is great. I usually drink cans, but I guess I can make us change. And the novely bottle opener is in the shape of my dread lord, Kutthulu. Great, usually drink cans, but I guess I can make us change. And the novelty bottle opener is in the shape of my dreadlord, Kutthulu.

It was dreaming in Relya, the sunken city. And Kevin Middletame with held Brady writes, Thearest Peaches, with another crazy year in the books, I wanted to take a moment to send along my appreciation for all that you guys do. This time of the year, what better way to show your appreciation with gifts wrapped in shiny paper. And suddenly I can't take credit for the amazing Ruckmus gift wrap. I'm typically recycling it after was used

by Jonathan Howell to wrap my gifts for the Facebook group, Secret Saint Nicholas Cage Extravaganza. How is that? How has that been? Oh, it's all you bought that somewhere. For damn, from one pervazoid to pervazoid number one, I gift to you the works of mr. Andy

Sidaris from Albu express all the way to my personal favorite return to savage beast. I haven't watched that one Beach beats. Yeah return to savage beast. That's a completely different movie mr. Sidaris Brian Darthelves and screen story like Ryan civil damning Julie K Smith and the lovely Julie strain more importantly he brightened our screens with their boobs. Well, that, yeah, but yes. And I can only... Yeah, you're really more interested in Julie K. Smith's acting. I can only hope these 12-friend films bring these 12-friends.

You know, of course, his friends are movies, Dan, aren't they? Renew a few minutes of joy whenever the wife isn't around. We're Elliot. Master Bating is what he said. As a new father, you're going to run into a lot of out-cheese and boobies in the coming years. You're going to guide young Sam, as he selects a hero, any hero who is in his father.

Allow me to assist and stir him away from lamos, like Spider-Man and the X-Men. Those phony, so-called heroes, written by hack writers, relied heavily on dumb dag, silly powers, and talking dinosaur men to entertain readers. This guy really does not like me or my work. Well, I hope that instead of covering up

scrapes and cuts with false idols, you will use these band-aids, featuring the image of a real hero, who didn't rely on four colors, but who didn't just find in Monochrome. I present to you a package of Abraham Lincoln bandages. Thank you. And about that hack writer stuff,

I'm totally kidding. I love Spider-Man and the X-Men. On sale now at your local comic book store. Issue 2 comes out January 28th. Finally for Stewart. Buy it and throw it away. And then buy another one. How does a party animal keep it real?

And Yuppies and Hipsters roll into his bar and have the audacity to order some fancy bullshit beer that doesn't come in a wide-mouth can or with a twist-off top. How about by popping the top of their sh-sh-sh-may or almond gag with these? Those things? I don't know. Assistance of an elder god. I hope that this Kathulu bottle opener helps you to always remain the silver bullet drinking

ultimate party dude you've always been. And closing thanks again for watching the shit movies so we don't have to, and for providing hours of entertainment to the amazing community of flappers you've brought together Merry Christmas happy Hanukkah and continued success in 2015 yours in polyviness Kevin middle name with held Brady Thank you very much Further ensuring the key to getting your letter read aloud is by giving a sweet gift

Yeah, or by giving Dan access to boobs on tape. Yeah, that's a sweet gift. Yeah, I think if they keep on giving. Normally they have to give them self that gift. Yeah. So now it's time for our final segment for the show. Yeah, what's that? recommendations of movies we actually like Instead of Exhausted and that thus ending our spontaneous Michael Bay theme month. Yeah Elliott is there anything you want to Promote I would promote yeah from like the work of others recommend I

Will I think I'd like to recommend a movie I saw recently that I really liked a lot, which affected me deeply, which is perhaps the exact opposite of what we watched tonight. And that would be Winterlight, directed by Ingmar Bergman, and starring Ingrid Thulin and Guner Bjornstrond. It's the story of a priest in a small town in Sweden who is struggling with faith. He has almost totally lost his faith in the existence of God. And when a parishioner comes to him feeling with the same spiritual trouble, the parishioner is shocked and horrified to find that the priest is struggling with the same doubts. And the priest is also in a kind of failing romantic relationship with another one of the parishioners

He's forced to confront his own powerlessness and suffering and whether that is evidence enough of the faith that Perhaps needs to rediscovered himself the original title in Swedish was I think the communicants or something like that and It's very much about the need for human beings to communicate and perhaps that need for speed. And the need. Yeah. He said, yeah, he says, I have you need for. But it's shot in a much grimmer and planar style than a lot of being more Brooklyn movies, others, Shop by Sven Nykfest, and it's a really good. Night fist? Night fist, the Swedish vigilante, sweet night fist. And- He's a tough guy with a soft side.

But it's really good if you want something a little deeper but not inaccessible. It's the emotions in it are very strong and run deep and as well as on the surface, so. It's like a romantic comedy. Yeah, yeah, it's a real zinger. It's a comedy sci-fi adventure. Anyway, winter light.

Just like the dessert. I would like to recommend a movie that I saw recently at VAM for the first time. And it was actually introduced by William Freakkin, who I was delighted to see kind of resemble like um, current Adam West, like he was just like an affable like aging man and you see William Friedkin films and you think this has got to be a really intense guy. He's just like a goofy grandpa. We did say one point who wants more than just threw them into the audience. But uh But he introduced a movie I liked a lot,

and it was Costa Govres' movie Z. I told you we're gonna like it. Which I think that, you know, early in your film buff career, you have an embarrassment of riches ahead of you, and then the more you watch movies, the less you get surprised by movies. But this was like the first time in a long

time when I'm like, well, this is kind of a masterpiece I'm watching. And it's a great movie. It's a very thinly fictionalized version of real events that happen in Greece when a socialist candidate was assassinated by a military faction of the government and then the investigation afterwards where it came out, what happened, and it's tense, it's infuriating, it's a thriller, but it's also kind of funny in a lot of places, and it's heartbreaking at the end. So I recommended very much. I would call it one of the top movies

that has just one letter for a title. Right there with M, yeah. So romantic comedy? Yeah, again. Everything. Everything. So that's a theme today, I guess. It's a real boy meets coo story.

So I'm gonna keep that theme also, I'm also talking about a movie that touched me deeply Talking about a movie called a rock and roll nightmare And rock and roll nightmare was sent to me by listener from the show And do gets like a disproportionate number who gets I get the least of anybody Yeah, and gets a lot of naked pictures the least of anybody. Yeah. And gets a lot of naked pictures.

Elliot gets almost no gifts because what can you get the man who has everything? Life has given me so much already. It's true. I have many blessings. Sure. So, moving on, speaking of blessings, Rock and Roll nightmare features the acting chops of, I think his name is John Michael Thor, a actor slash heavy metal maniac. The movie Rock and Roll Nightmare is about the hit rock band Triton heading off into

the wilds of Canada I'm assuming to record to work on and record their latest album in a in a farmhouse out in the middle of nowhere. It has a recording studio and I guess and they while working on the album, you know, they have to work out their personal grievances. There's a little bit of nudity. There's a little bit of rock and rollin' and then all of a sudden some kind of ancient evil that seems to be living there starts picking them off one by one until the only remaining person, spoiler alert, is our hero, John Michael Thor, playing John Triton.

And then we get to see probably one of the best modern giant foam monster fighting a man scene, that I've seen a very long time. Let's be clear, this is a good bad movie. This is a fun, terrible movie. So rock and roll nightmare. Check it out. That's a movie I always mix up my head with the movie hard rock zombies.

Uh-huh. We just also great. It's also a great bad movie and involves over time, the running gag of a Nazi puppet eating at Nazi puppet zombie eating his own hands and then face. And if it like pouring sugar and they pouring salt and sugar onto himself and like, it's really goofy. But anyway, watch it with friends. Yeah. Because you'll be too scared to watch it alone. Tell your mom not to watch it because you won't enjoy it unless you like that kind of thing. Call the cops. I know your mom, chill out, dude. And do. Right a letter to the president saying,

watch, rock and roll nightmare. Better than boyhood. Oh, that quote's gonna end up on the box. I'm speaking of boyhood. We watched a movie that was almost three hours long today and never again. Yeah, I'm gonna put a time limit on movies that people can ask us to watch.

Yeah, so no to fiddler on the roof. Too late to. That was a delight. I was glad that you just like Katie Ager. I'm glad that you have to deal with his daughter's lust. And fight a laser wolf. There were kind of laser wolves in this way. Exactly. Yeah, we had similarities are eerie. And fight a laser wolf. And there were kind of laser wolves in this way.

Exactly. Yeah, we had similarities or eerie. And just to explain that reference, the other flopsters, and some other friends came over to our house to watch. They're on the roof the other night, a movie that my wife and I watched several times a year, usually. Several times a year? At least two to three times.

It was all the more charming for me to watch it for the first time with a group of Jewish people in the house who clearly had seen it over and over again because when it was near and dear to the heart, when you're Jewish, like it's a movie you see a lot, but it was curious to me to see a bunch of, let's just call you what you are, goyum, for lack of a better word. Watching it and being occasionally baffled by what was going on and being like, oh right, you weren't told the story of the

Stetel pogroms in the Europe to America, diaspora over and over again, like we were. Yeah, I was like, hey, why are those Russians being so mean? Hey guys, why are those Russians being so mean? I think when I was doing a brief introduction and I mentioned it's not a totally accurate picture of life in a shuttle, but it's kind of the closest

that we can get in a lot of ways. And one of the people in the room said, what's a shuttle? And I was like, well, this is gonna be more basic than I thought it was gonna be. Well, thank you for the remedial cultural studies. Hey, it was a nice reminder that my people are less than 1% of the world's population.

And on that note, I guess, we've been the flop house. I've been Dan McCoy. That's been Elliot Kaylin. In a way, I guess you could say Jews are the Autobots of the world. There's not a lot of us. And we often fight evil robots. And I'm Elliot Kaylin. Wait. You said my name. There's not a lot of us and we all have been fighting robots. And I'm Ellie Kaelin. Wait, wait, you said my name.

Stuart Wellington. You said that. Good night, everyone. Thanks for listening. And loving and laughing and standing with honor. Let's do this stupid thing so I can go home. Okay, let's slam this one out. We're talking about slamming that. We're going to slam it out. Much like I just did in your bathroom.

Are you okay? Sorry. Uh, and three, two, one. If you've ever laughed at the brits for the way they say schedule or Americans for the way we keep seeing Jesus in our food, Join me, Dave Holmes, for International Waters, a transatlantic panel game that pits comedians in London and comedians in Los Angeles against each other in a deadly Skype-based pop culture battle royale. Every two weeks, or fortnightly, as they say in Britain, like they're better than us.

Find it in iTunes or at maximumfund.org. Find it in iTunes or at MaximumFun.org.