The Frank Skinner Show - Best Bits

Episode Date: April 8, 2023

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. The Radio Academy Award winning gang bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. This week there are highlights from Frank, Emily and Pierre. Enjoy reliving Frank’s Birthday, his unexpected letter and a trip to Liberty.

The best of Frank Skinner Absolute Radio This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Pierre Novelli Follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at Frank on the Radio Sorry I was just looking at a hot dog on the television Email the show via frank at absoluteradio.co.uk

And yes they are paid to laugh if you're wondering so um good morning to you both good morning tomorrow it's kind of kind of really ended so um here we are i um oh i'll tell you what i saw this week. Here's a thing. Here is a funny thing. Yeah? I saw a man capering on his own in, like, sports gear. I don't know what that means. Capering is a bit like what Dorothy does in, um... I beg your pardon?

In Wizard of Oz, you know, that sort of... Do you remember when you were a child and, you know, those moments, if you ever felt jubilant as a child, they call it skipping, but there's no rope involved. Isn't that just skipping? I'm not familiar with this. No rope involved is one of the coloured handkerchief signals I use at the S&M club. I've always called it skipping,

but, you know, I'm going to change that to... Well, if that's skipping, how can the rope thing be skipping as well? It doesn't make any sense. That's like saying he's eating, it's the same as driving. OK. We've all had a drink.

OK. I have, but not since September 24th, 1986. Nevertheless. Capering or skipping, sans rope, brackets. Is that because... This was a guy, he didn't look troubled he was in sports gear dressed for skipping

he might be running, maybe he runs later and warms up with some some capering what I'll do is I'll caper for ten and then I'll do like 5k a bit more caper, I'll caper down caper down then I'll do like 5k, a bit more caper, I'll caper down.

I'll caper down at the end. I think that would suit you. Caper, no, I was a bit embarrassed on his behalf. Why are you? You're saying something. I remember kissing a lady many years ago and she capered in excitement. Did she?

Just around me. Did she? Yeah. I don't know if it's ironic or not but it was it started charming and then it was we will never be a long-term relationship about our third circuit i was gonna say that's a short shelf life yes no more capering that was what i thought about it. I've never told that story to anyone before. And you know what? It's good to get it off my chest. Absolute radio exclusive. Exactly.

I love this. What a bizarre exclusive. The papers will be full of this. Post-kiss capering rocks three lion star. Do you think there's lots of sort of jubilant expressions that could become like a fitness thing?

Ten minutes capering Five minutes jig Punch in the air maybe Punching the air I suppose they do do punch in the air That's basically what sparring is Yeah

Seven minutes clod hopping What's clod hopping? It's bad dancing Oh okay Is it? It's from It used to be illegal to beg, and so you had to do something for your money.

So they would just do a bad dance. I'm not begging, I'm dancing, and people are paying me for my lovely dance. Oh, is that great? Who knew that? It's a sort of stomping dance that a tramp would do, clod hopping. Okay. I'd like to see more of that.

Say I could double money If you prefer to Plod hop No is that bad I'll take that back What are ski sticks I see a lot of old people With ski sticks

On their hamster knees What's that doing I've seen those They're worried about flooding They're cropping up So they can get home Get home like the The invading crafts In War of the Worlds.

Just hoist it up. What are they for? Wildlife. If anyone listening uses those, what the hell are you doing? I see those a lot. Sometimes you see them like seven or eight squirrels on each point. No, I've never seen that. The best of Frank Skinner.

Absolute radio. Good morning to you. Morgan. Morning. Special morning, special day. Yes. In case you didn't catch this earlier, it is my birthday today. I've already opened gifts, which is exciting.

Including some headed notepaper I've been bought, which says at the top, from the desk of Frank Skinner MBE, which I mean, who do I send? I think that'd be good maybe for querying

a parking ticket. Do you know what? I just wonder if that would still have some sway. A vague threat. Yeah. You'll regret this. It's a very nice way of saying, do you know who I am? I'm calling it passive-aggressive stationery,

and I'm here for it. I'm 66 today. I think the more things I get with my name on, the more helpful, just as an aide de mémoire. It's not far from when I'm saying, do you know who I am? It will be a genuine heartfelt inquiry. The slip from rhetoric to need.

Oh, what a thought. What a thought. Bold! Have you seen the advert where they've changed the words of gold? They haven't. So it says like gold, not bold rather. You know bold, the washing up. Bold and it's got built in Lenore.

It's stuff like that that might not be the actual words. But you know it's got Lenore. You know the thing with bald, and I'm not advertising it because I don't know where our washing machine is. No. But... That showed you in a lovely lot. Yes.

But bald has a big thing on the front of it that says something like, includes Lenore. And Lenore gets its own, like, love. I think, what? This is going to draw me into my bowl

oh hold on look contains Lenore that's a bonus I'm so sick of mixing my own bowls and Lenore

exactly in a big bath in the garden exactly what ready made bold Lenore cocktail

yeah in a tin I mean I don't want to get something that hasn't got Lenore Lenore yeah what Lenore cocktail? Yeah. I knew. In a tin. I mean, I don't want to get something that hasn't got Lenore. Lenore? Yeah, what?

Lenore. Bold! Plenty of Lenore. Um, anyway. Lenore's quite a whimsical name for a detergent. What is it? What is Lenore? Lenore?

And if you took... The thing about Lenore... If there was a contractual disagreement, what would be missing from Bold That Lenore brought to it It's a softener isn't it Is it I think so The beauty of Lenore

Is it's mystery Yes you're probably right You don't want to start unravelling Lenore's mystery Trust me Okay I'll leave it there I went down that road once That's the other thing I hate

when adverts cut songs you know they have to cut songs but you get really unsettling cuts but they don't resolve so there's like a

holiday one at the moment and they use Tomorrow from Annie which is one of my favourite musicals ever oh do they do a mashup and it sort of goes

the sun will come out tomorrow tomorrow tomorrow and you think no no it doesn't happen there it's no build

that's not nice you've taken the grey and lonely out and cut straight to the sunshine they might have left grey and lonely but they'd certainly

they'd get way too early to the heartfelt tomorrow tomorrow yeah when an advert has to be aggressively trimmed down for a small slot.

Guys, one of the worst ones was Everybody, yeah Chicken satay No, I'm not having that. I like street boys. You've actually sold it accidentally quite well. Does it come with Lenore? That's one of the great years in the song.

What? Tomorrow, tomorrow, I love ya. You can say I love you. Fabulous. Yes, that's the trouble. The orphanage has damaged her vocabulary forever. Oh, man. Absolute Radio.

The best of Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. What's my big discovery of the week? You know when a thing happens and you think, oh, you know they say that every day's a school day. When you learn something and you thought, oh, man, I've been wrong

all my life about this and now I have at last seen the truth of it I was 100% convinced that a pine martin was a bird I would have put ten grand that a pot Emily I can see all you were with me on that error am i right a hundred percent really yeah oh typical pierre of course pierre knows just know he'll know the latter he'll know everything about this yeah penis martinus i wish i hadn't said that that was an accident i think you can say that it's medical yeah you said it was a you i heard you pronounce the letter exactly exactly it was latin it was the most latin thing i've ever said well obviously No, no, it's medical. Yeah, you said it with a U. I heard you pronounce the letter U very clearly. Exactly, exactly.

It was Latin. It was the most Latin thing I've ever said. Well, obviously, not the most Latin thing I've ever said. Yeah. I say quite a lot on a Sunday morning. I was going to say. Yes, a pine martin. If someone said, look, there's a pine martin,

I'd have looked up. Yeah. Not into the undergrowth. As long as you didn't translate it from the Latin. No, I'll never do that again. I will never do that again. A pine martin can mind its own Latin business. What is a pine martin? Oh, I like that I don't know.

I want to prolong the ignorance for a bit. Do you? I kind of do. Do you never get that? Well, I feel I've slightly blown its cover now. It's a little furry animal.

Stout-like. It sounds very up my strata. Yeah. Well, yes. I think one of its... Well, I know nothing about it other than it doesn't fly. I'm taking the facts one at a time. Doesn't fly, not a bird.

Yeah. Gob smacked. Absolute. A bloke said that we're worried. On the telly, this is how I found out. So we're worried that the pine martin population has been reduced, he said. But there's been signs just lately they're coming back. And I thought, well, they're getting a lot of coverage plenty of other birds yeah struggling what are you thinking who's

their pr yeah exactly yeah i don't see as many uh starlings in the garden as i used to yeah um anyway um i i saw uh i saw there was a documentary about it on PBS, which was Starling the Terror Years or something, so I don't know if that's what got rid of them. But anyway, yeah, then a picture came up, and I thought, well, I can't even see the Pied Martin. There's some stoat in the way. The Pied Martin has been photobombed by a stoat in the way the Pied Martin has been photobombed by a stoat I mean somebody should have

checked this before they brought it up on the television but no it is a furry animal and I like the idea that the first link of the show has been established in that single fact The best of Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio

I'll tell you what though, it's never worn off for me because that's how I've been in Amsterdam this week. Something that, from when I first went abroad, probably whatever it was, 30 years ago, I still love watching

television made by places like the Netherlands. Yes. There was a music show that was on in the evening and there would be shows where an act would come on. Everybody is like old. All the singers are much older.

Ageism doesn't seem to be such a thing. It seems to be reverse. I might look into it. So what you get, there's groups like 10 blokes all in their 50s. And the songs are like, they sing along. Fee-fah-den-hee, fee-fah-den-hee, that's it. Fee-fah-den-hee. And they're all drinking beer and stuff.

Fee-fah-den-hee. And you think, this is, I can't believe this exists. Who would be interested in this and then it pans to the audience there's like 20,000 people in the studio

endless people singing along it was a great bit because you get those sort of there's one video of blokes like that

and it's just close up some blokes drinking beer and it's like dripping off their chin. We had a drink, why should I?

And they're just throwing it down them. It's disgusting. And then, then you get a bloke who'll come out, a bloke about 50 odd, and go, I love the world. And sing it in English. And you'll get women crying in the audience.

They cut to one fabulous moment in the audience. It was like a rock and roll band, of course. And those people dancing, there was one bloke sitting, you could see in the audience, who literally had his hands over his ears. It sounds like sort of Saturday night TV in 1974. Yes, and then you cut to a chat show

where it's like they're discussing, I don't know what they're discussing, I don't speak Dutch, but there'll be a bloke who's got like a fur jacket and orange glasses

and long hair, a bloke about 70, who's been taken completely seriously in some conversations. Who is this bloke? Everyone is listening to us if he isn't mad. Oh, it's brilliant. It's the thing with other countries' celebrities, because there's always so much context to explain.

Yeah. We sort of say, you said to a Dutch person, so who's this? And they go, oh, Peter Polder. Peter Polder. Oh, everyone loves him. And they sort of explain that he hosted a show about rescuing animals.

And also he... Yeah, exactly. Well, the names become, like when I went to France, they were saying, you don't know Clo-Clo? Yeah. I'm not familiar with Clo-Clo.

I had this conversation about Will Glahe the accordionist when I was in Germany once. Will Glahe

is not big in England. Oh man. This is why I moved here and had to learn about Noel Edmonds. Yeah,

well I can, yeah that, obviously that's tough. The best of Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. So, yeah, so I got a very lovely note this week, unexpected, from someone who I've talked about on the radio show before and um i'm not going to tell you exactly what was in it but it was lovely and you know when the word classy

springs to mind i was quite moved by it and it came from Bagshot Park. Ring any bells? No? It is the home of the Countess of Wessex. Shut up. Who I'd had a slight incident with at the Royal Friday. And she wrote to me in order to clarify what had gone on. Are you actually joking?

It was the most beautiful thing, handwritten and lovely. And did she do the fabulous posh thing that I once pointed out to you? I explained to Frank, Frank got a card, a correspondence card with a posh address on the top and it was crossed out. And I said, oh, it's very classy, that touch.

I said, oh, it means this is informal. He said, oh, it's very classy, that touch. He said, what do you mean? I said, oh, it means this is informal. He said, oh, I thought they'd moved her house. Anyway. Well, I got the best one ever I got was from Baroness Bakewell, who had headed notepaper that said, the Baroness Bakewell. And she'd crossed that out and then written underneath, your friend.

Oh, come on. Oh, that's very nice. Anyway, so, yes. And it was just a lovely thing. I, come on. Oh, that's very nice. Anyway, so, yes, and it was just a lovely thing. I love her now. I shall not rest until I've got her on crockery. Did she sign it?

Just a little indication. Keep it private, but did she sign it safe? Maybe. Anyway, I was completely shocked by it but I I wrote back and you can't keep

but I wrote back just to say oh I think I might use the word gracious not a word I use that often

but I what did I write back on oh the head of paper because I got this I got a present last

oh my god I'm so embarrassed I got a present last... Oh, my God, I'm so embarrassed. I got a present last year that said, from this last week, that said it's a headed note paper that says, from the desk of Frank Skinner MBE. As a joke. And I thought,

I'll never be able to use this. So then I thought, you know what? I can't actually believe you did that. Well, I thought, she'll think nothing of it, surely. I did say in my reply that I was excited that she was the first person I got to use my head in notepaper with.

And what a start. What a start. What a start it was. Very much thematically appropriate. But, yeah, who knew? Really lovely. Oh, I'm really pleased about that. Oh, I was pleased as well.

Are you going to get it framed? Like my Arthur Miller? You've got to do these things. Well, I don't know. You see, I had a few things framed in the 90s. I had a Catholic corner in my flat where I had John Paul II's autograph, Paul VI And then we've got New Lad's corner in the other place

Yeah, exactly I had Mother Teresa, all signed and in the sun they gradually faded and then I realised that if you're going to do that you need to keep them in shade so I made a terrible error I thought they would be like the non-petrified saints of the Roman labyrinths

who would, you know, they would not be affected by sunlight, etc. Yes, yes. Didn't work out. Anyway, that was that. Oh, what a lovely way to end the show. Oh, yes. I'm so pleased for you.

Ever a little mortified that you genuinely used the fact from the desk of Frank's inner envy? Who else am I going to write? She must get letters on headed notepaper. Not like that, Frank. No, maybe not. But it's weird. You say stuff

on this show and think, you know, no one will ever hear it. Turns out, they're listening to it in Bagshot Park. Exactly. Frank, I would like to formally thank you for my wonderful Christmas present, which you gave me this morning, it was, I mean, very simply, it's Brian Blessed's autobiography. And it's called Absolute Pandemonium. Yes. Which I would love him to do that show.

I'd love him to do that. Yeah, that would be a great show on here. And then what he's done, I'll tell you what Brian's done. What he's done, he's, some might say rather unnecessarily, he's got a little subtitle. Yes. And he's put in, obviously in block caps, My Louder Than Life Story.

Well, I, as I said, I wondered if the whole book might be in block capitals to suggest shouting. But he hasn't done that. He's gone lowercase. There's nothing lowercase about Brian Blessed, is there? No. I'm so excited. Some of the pictures, I mean, there are some fabulous,

a lot of Mark Antony with a lot of heavy theatre make-up on. Oh, fabulous. It's going to be good. Thank you so much. My pleasure. So, meanwhile, I turned to get the title of my book but the philosophy of um i can't remember what it's called it's a bob dylan book about philosophy of modern song i can't see the title yeah it was one of those great moments when i saw it in a shop and i thought

i'm gonna treat myself to that and i didn't get it and then someone has bought it for me resultamundo and I didn't get it and then someone has bought it for me. Resultamundo. Yeah. Oh, here's the thing. You know what? This happens to me. You might not know about this, Pierre,

unless it came up in the van. But every now and again, I am struck as if anew by the fact... It's always Test cricket. I got up a couple of days ago and test cricket live from Pakistan was on my television. And I have this, I would say to my partner, what about that? Actually, that's actually happening in Pakistan now. We can see it here. And look, this time I embroidered it.

I said, and look, there's snow outside. And we can see what's happening in Pakistan. And it really, I'm not, it really excites me. Oh, I'm so pleased for you. I'm going to say exhilarates. I can't believe it. I can't believe it. Bringing that old catchphrase back.

That I do believe it, wasn't it? Oh, yes, wasn't it? I had another real realization this week i went to ryman's which is one of my favorite days out where else did you go bjabs 1972 did you go to i love stationery though i've been in all its manifestations and i bought um they had some big four-colours originals. Sure. You know the ones I mean, the biro with a slide so you can write. Now, I do a lot of colour coding in my stand-up writing,

so I'll write in black and then I'll go through and underline some stuff in blue and then some stuff gets red. Hang on, what do you mean with the slide? So you've got four colours in the same pen. Yeah. You must remember this, baby. Oh, those! Yes.

And I saw this thing. There was a three-pack, I'll be straight with you. And I thought, hold on, I could just have one pen in my pocket instead of having to have a black one, a blue one and a red one. And I've got green as a bonus. And it was like a moment of, oh my God. And thought of that. So I bought us a three pack and he had two Bic four-colour originals.

And one I haven't even tried yet because I'm so excited, I don't want to rush you. A big four-collar pro. What does that do? What does that do? No training wheels on this pen. Thought transfer. Maybe I just think green

and the slide slowly goes down. But what does the pro do that the original doesn't do? Are you ready for the pro, though, do you think? Well, when do I try the pro? I'm putting it off, I'm putting it off. Build a day of recovery. And it's black, the pro.

Is it? Yeah, it's like a night. What sort of nib size are we talking? Nib? Nib, if you mistake me for Charles Dickens. The biro. Sorry, so do you dispense with the ball set of the nib? It's a ball operator.

It's a ball, but I would still call the tip the nib. We are not allowed to refuse nib. No, it's not a nib. It's just standard. I don't know what it is on the Pro. It might flare out into like a... You know those brushes that you see jazz drummers using? It might have something like that.

Who knows what the Pro will be? I'll have to tell you after the holidays, if I've dared to try it by then. Absolute Radio. The best of Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. By the way, the Simpsons TV show, I think it's absolutely brilliant,

but I never want to watch it. How do you explain that? Is it because you've already watched all of it? No, I haven't watched all of it. Every time I do watch one, it's one I've never seen. But I just don't want to see it. I couldn't agree more. How can that be?

It doesn't make any sense. I feel a bit I have given up, frankly. If I sit down to watch it, I feel like, what am I doing with my life? Even though I know it's brilliant and the writing's fabulous. It's absolutely one of the funniest shows on television

clever, inventive but I don't want to watch it why do we feel that Pierre? well you've got that you've spoken before about how cartoons make you feel depressed

so I think that's no but I love cartoons but you I don't know I like Bojack Horseman oh okay so ironically normal cartoons make you feel depressed

but the most depressing cartoon ever made you feel depressed, but the most depressing cartoon ever made you... Meet me. It's like Curb Your Enthusiasm. I thought, this is absolutely brilliant. I'll never... I know I'd never watch it again. I agree with that, to be fair. Yeah.

It's sort of like... I think it's already in there. I sort of have a feel of what it is. I don't need to reaffirm that yes you know I don't go out every day

and check what a river looks like that's true I just know I tell you and I love them I don't need to look at a river

every day yeah I think it's partly with The Simpsons as well there's a lot of saturate that I feel

there's been so many episodes it's a bit overload I just feel am I just watching old stuff I don't think I think I've got it on my heart do I know what so many episodes, it's a bit overload. I just feel, am I just watching old stuff? I think I've got it on my heart. I know what it's like.

Okay. Honestly, I couldn't rate it more highly. I don't want to watch it. Okay. We've got some other examples of Never Trust Her. Oh, yeah. Sarcastic Fringehead. Oh, I thought that was something we should look out for

no but baseball caps or any hat when worn by someone driving over to you Frank Skinner well there used to be a thing about old men in trilbies

that people used to go who drove like that I have to say any man in a baseball cap who isn't American I'm always slightly disappointed by. We had Tim Key as a guest the other week when he came in

in a baseball but I loved Tim Key when he walked in I thought no I think it's very hard for a non-American to carry off a baseball. Wow, that's hard. There's been an explosion in trucker hats, especially among certain sections of the comedy community.

The sort of high ones. High-fronted baseball hats. Often a bit like a bit of plastic gauze. Yes. In case it gets too hot. Yeah. Or something. No, I mean, really, I speak as an outsider

because I've got a very big head. I can't really wear hats. Yeah, you have. So there's probably a bit of resentment in my hat-itudes. But it was worth the pain to go there. This is the best of Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So these neighbours, they've been... Were we in the midst of something? I was going to tell you a story. Oh, the alarm clock. This is your mother.

My neighbour, Mrs Weston, who lived next door, who, after her husband died, my mum made a Sunday lunch, I remember, Sunday dinner as we called it, every week, and I would take that round and she'd be waiting, sitting at the table with a tea towel tucked in the top of her jumper ready for spillage and a massive spoon in her hand. No author cutlery. So she ate the whole, you know, meat, two veg,

yuck, she put it all with a big spoon. You know there's a lot of decision-making in cutlery. The higher you go up society, the more decision-making. She took all that out. Yeah. She kept it simple. I love that about her. A disruptor.

She, yeah. yeah but anyway simple i love that about her a disruptor she yeah so she um and i must have told this on on the radio it's fine because i don't think uh i don't think you know it p.a she walked into the house with an alarm clock put it on our kitchen table and said to my dad uh len as he was called his whole life although his name was john uh len uh can you uh can you men can you do anything with this alarm clock he said what is that what's happened to it and she said oh we dropped it in the po now the po was a colloquial term for the chamber pot in the bedroom because we all had outside toilets she said we dropped it in the power remember it was on the kitchen table and halfway up the face of the alarm clock was urine

a literally half way contained within Contained within the alarm clock. Like one of those pens. And when you put it upside down, there's a lady. Exactly. It sounds like a sort of Damien Hirst art piece. Well, maybe it could have been.

But I just remember my dad saying, get it off the table! Get it off the table! It would be a great piece of modern art time in urine I also like the woman

the woman with one giant spoon who just dropped it in the poe it's like life in medieval Britain yeah well yeah

well instead it was the West Midlands in the like 60s early 70s but even my dad drew the line at that. That was too much. So he refused to mend it or try it.

I don't know if it would have been mendable. No. We won't ask if it's any watch, because it's gone now. I think it was abandoned. The year-end alarm clock. That's what I... Yeah, the year-end alarm clock. It's what I... In're an alarm clock it's what I in the wee

small hours yes but it's what I remember about neighbours mainly

that was you know we loved them we were very close she was in our house

all the time but that level of intimacy is maybe too much what's I uh i bet david baddiel's a nice neighbor lovely i imagine you know what's weird about dave is i i love david baddiel i i really love him me too and he lives i think 10 12 houses away from me. I probably see him about once a month.

And I think, so, the idea of the close neighbour, I'm happy to know that he's there, but we don't see each other that, and even when he lived next door to me, we didn't see each other that much. So it's, you know. That's true friendship. I find, yes, I once heard,

I think it was Johnny Cash said he went fishing with Bob Dylan. And they fished for about five hours without speaking at all. He said, and that's when I knew we'd become really close friends. And I thought, really? But now, as I've got older, I can kind of see what he meant by that. Just the image of Bob Dylan fishing I find unbelievable. He must have been rubbish, I do. Where do you put this maggot?

No, no, don't just throw it in on its own, Bob. Anyway, oh, that's the Fezzers arrived. The best of Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. So, I'm picturing the two of you wandering up to Liberty's. I had given Pierre sort of instructions, hadn't I, as you left, as we said our goodbyes outside Absolute Radio. Yeah.

A sort of... It was quite the start of an epic quest. Yes. Well, he took... Polonia. He became very responsible, Pierre. He's got that in him. Because I'm old and stooped,

and he's like a sort of Conan the Barbarian, he became very sort of advisory so we went I had a hundred pound voucher now the way I spend the voucher is the way some people put petrol in a car I like it on the zero I don't want this and oh you've got two pounds left. No. Not frank. And no top-ups. No, no, I'm not adding. That's the whole joy of a vote, is you don't have to get your hand in your pocket.

So anyway... Did you find it okay? I was concerned. Oh, God, your directions were perfect. You went through the back entrance with the confectionery. I did. Oh, it's a lot of... I hate walking through the perfume bit. Yeah lot of... I walk into the perfume bit.

Yeah. I don't breathe in the perfume bit. It feels like you're having something tested on you. Oh, yeah. So, ooh, let's get through the perfume. I mean, you've lost me here, obviously. Yeah. Anyway.

Well, you don't want it in that kind of intensity. I do. Anyway. So, yeah, it's... Which department? Well, I wanted sunglasses, that was my thing. My sunglasses have all been broken in various ways. And so I found a pair, 65 quid.

And I said, OK, I'm going to get these. And Pierre said, I'm not sure about tortoiseshell. And I said, no, I like tortoiseshells good. As I said, it goes with my teeth. And he said to the guy, I'm not going to keep doing the accent, one more. Okay.

Is this your full range of sunglasses? And the man said, we've got a few downstairs as well, he said to me, so he said, right, we'll go and have a look downstairs. I said,

no, I like these. I said, this is the way I shop, I don't go looking around. And he said, no, I like these. I said, this is the way I shop. I don't go looking around. And he said, in the end, Pierre made me put them behind the counter. Yeah. So that we could go downstairs and look at the other.

Because of all the queues of people lining up to take that one pair of tortoiseshell glasses. It was busy in Liberties. Okay. And so you went downstairs. So we went to, by the way, tortoiseshell frames. That's just a term. They're not actually made from a carapace, are they? I don't.

Not these days. Has somebody styled a carapace? Perhaps back in the day. Polished. I wonder. I think there were. One can imagine, I don't know, the original sort of Duke of Windsor perhaps having one of that.

I'd say I'd like a pair of beets with two intact carapaces, one on each ear. That'd look cool, wouldn't it? Or just sort of, you'd look like you were in the Flintstones. Yeah, exactly. Sort of pop his

head out and say it's a living oh no it'd have to be dead ones I wouldn't want new ones he's got standards

yeah and also they'd be like mufflers the flesh muffler sound one thing I love about Liberties and other

highly relatable content I do love what Liberties has if anyone's ever been there it's got this

rather majestic gone with the wind staircase, which is unusual for a department store, mahogany staircase. Yes, we swept down that, didn't we? We swept off it and then we swept down it. Of course, it wouldn't have been a very big stretch 30 years

ago for me to have actually been sweeping it. But now there I am spending my Vacher. So we went downstairs and fair play, I did see a pair I liked better. How much? £65 in the sale. Okay, what's happening with the 35?

Well, I'll come to that. You'd like these, they're completely black. They're very... Very... Not a carapace in sight. The best of Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I wanted to know... I've got two questions.

Firstly, what did you spend the £35 left over from your £100 Liberty voucher on? Well, can you mention, can you just imagine the anxiety of me walking around there with that £35 on? Because I don't like having any on. I'm thinking, what if I can't find anything? Also, Pierre's still going on about the sunglasses at this point. What's he saying? I'm not against tortoiseshell in principle,

but it's not that light. I don't like that light tortoiseshell. This is it. The contrast between the light and the dark parts of the tortoiseshell was almost a camo effect

and I was against that. Yeah. I'm with you. I'm feeling... I had no idea I was taking a sort of a ticking time bomb into the shot.

What I like about my characterisation is that it's the difference between the inner and the outer. In my head, I was playing a sort of grand vizier role. My liege, if I might. These spectacles, whereas, obviously, externally, it was like when we were on tour

and people assumed I was your bodyguard. They sort of look at me nervously before getting a photo. It was a bit sort of like John Gilgud, Arthur's butler or something. Did you... You see, I worry that they were... Pierre, you see, I'm with you. Can I just ask you something?

Back in a sec, Frank. Were they a sort of slightly unfortunate khaki-coloured tortoiseshell? I don't like a tortoiseshell veering towards the sludge colour. No, the lighter part was that colour, and then the rest was as dark as you'd expect. It's a bit G.I. Joe. OK.

A little. OK, back to you, Frank. OK. I just thought, brown eyes. Because I've got brown eyes, I thought tortoiseshell was a good... Anyway, that went. I ended up with sunglasses that were as black as midnight on a moonless night,

as Agent Cooper once said in Twin Peaks, of his coffee, in fact. I like the idea that people have to buy sunglasses to match their eyes. Well, you've got to match them to summer. Now you've got black eyes. I'm not buying grey sunglasses all the time to match the rest of me. So anyway, I saw an orange beanie hat.

Sorry, what's happened? And it said on it... Had Pierre left? No. At this point. No. I'd spent my opinion voucher on the glasses. Understand.

Didn't you have any left on your opinion voucher? No, I got it up to the maximum of four. Anyway, it says on it... You don't want to max that out. It says on it, made from recycled merino wool. Oh, Jose. And I thought, I don't want to be picky, but is all wool, every woolen hat is recycled, isn't it?

It was on a sheep originally. They don't shave a beanie directly off a sheep, not deliberately. So, you know, I didn't pick them up on that. But I do want to ask what I thought was an interesting question. I didn't pick them up on that, but I do want to ask what I thought was an interesting question. I said to the lady on the counter, because by now I'd got me 35 quid hat. I was happy. I went up to the counter.

You bought this? Yeah. Oh, dear. And I said, do you, I've got it in my pocket, actually. Do you want to see it? I guess. See what you think. I wish you had the glasses as well, though. Yeah, I should have bought the glasses, wouldn't I? Hold on, I've got my headphones guess. Let's see what you think. I wish you had the glasses as well though.

Yeah, I should have bought the glasses wouldn't I? Hold on, I've got my headphones on, it's tricky. What do you think?

This is right, this is what radio is all about. Well I think we should put this up because... On social media. Okay,

I'll put it on social media. Do you know what? You look so happy in it. That's, I think that's, that's important. Yeah. Can I point out something I said this week?

Sure. It shows me to be something of a buffoon. Really? You know when you meet, I try to contribute in conversation. You certainly do. I really try to contribute in the conversation i'm always you certainly do i'm in time mechanefa and i met beth england who is um a footballer of some note chelsea and ironically england and uh there was a use of ironic alanis there was a mike england who played for wales if you remember him anyway so, so I met Beth England, quite exciting England player. And I was asking her about, when I first became aware of women's football,

Doncaster Bells were one of the big teams. And I said, I don't really hear of them now. And she said, I used to play for Doncaster Bells. And I said, are you from up there? And she said, I used to play for Doncaster Bells. And I said, are you from up there? And she said, I'm from Barnsley. And I thought, I've got to have a... And I said, that is a weird coincidence. I had a Barnsley chop for lunch.

You didn't say that. That was my... Frank, why did you say that? What a small world, I said. Then after, I thought, what am I talking about? I think that's really weird, Frank. I know, she must have thought, really? Imagine what would be the equivalent

if you said you're from Birmingham. If she'd have come up to you and said... She said, yeah, we've got pollution where we live. The way she looked at me, I assume she knows what a Barnsley chop is. Maybe in Barnsley it's not a thing. They just call it a chop. It's just quite a weird thing.

You know a Barnsley chop. You're looking at me confused, Peter. No, I don't. I only know because he always goes on about Barnsley chop. It's like a double. It looks like a game. Do you game at all? Why, of course. It looks like, if you can imagine a game. Do you game at all? Well, of course.

It looks like, if you can imagine a game controller, you know, the handset made of meat. I can. Yeah. Keep talking. That's what it looks like. Lady Gaga. If they ever bring out a game where the controller is made of meat.

Yeah, they won't, Frank. I'll be one of those people camping out, like for a royal wedding. Exactly. Before it goes on the turn. I've only got three days. But honestly, what a small world I had a Barnsley chop for lunch this morning.

Oh, Frank, I'm so embarrassed. I know. Maybe you don't see her again. Imagine what she's telling people about you. You know, it's one of those things that when I look back on it, I can actually make my cheeks get a bit red just thinking about it.

If it gets cold in here, I might be glad of that. This is the best of Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I went on a walking holiday last week. Oh! Me and Kath, we love a walking holiday, my partner. So what we did

is we just got the train to Reading and then walked back to London from there. Not in a day, three days. And what you do, there's a system by which you go off on your walk that morning with your little backpack, packed lunch, you know, a bottle of water, map even. Oh. And then someone comes, a driver man, and, oh lady,

and takes your bag to your next destination. Ah, so you still have your luggage. Yeah, so you don't have to carry all the heavy stuff. I know it's a bit of a cheat, but it's a nice way. It's based on the old sort of native bearer theory of, you know, the sort of upside-down lion on a stick? Yeah. It's that kind of process.

But it makes it an easier thing. But we're doing 20 miles a day, you know. I'm an order man, Commander. So when he rode up, we were staying at the De Vere in Old Windsor. We don't normally do a hotel.

We favour a B&B. But anyway, we ended up at the Devere, big hotel. And I went down for breakfast and this woman said, oh my God, Alan Carr. And I said, no. She said, I said, I'm not, I'm honestly not. She said, you are. I said, I'm honestly.

She said, well, she said, you sound exactly like him. Now, I'm going to allow a bit of wiggle room in a lookalike, but I do not sound exactly like Alan Carr. No. I mean, I had gone down and said, can I have breakfast, please? No, I hadn't done you no I hadn't done that I hadn't done that

but she was very insistent this woman and Kath I hope Alan's listened to your impression of him I think he'll be alright I hope he'll be alright so

this probably happens to him all the time and people think he's, no, I doubt it. So she was very convinced and I said to Katya we should tell her. And I said, no, let her believe I'm Alan Carr because in 2023 Alan Carr is a much more exciting encounter than I am. And she said, well, I'm going to tell her. So she said to the woman, he's not Alan Carr. And the woman you could see was thinking, I know he is, for sure.

Yeah, you're trying to hide your fame. And she said, he's Frank Skinner. And I saw the woman, speaking of extraneous noises, the woman went, oh. I could feel the ladle going a little deeper into her memory. Goulash. The pause, Frank, The pause is cruel. But I think she might have found me down there at the bottom of the cauldron.

They always do. Yeah. And she went, oh, can I have a photo? And I said... It's too late for that. I said, oh, no, I didn't. I said, OK, but I've just got to go and do something in the room. And then on the way out, we'll come and see you for a photo.

And she said, oh, you won't come back. I said, honestly, I will come back. So I'll tell you after this what happened when we went back. Absolute Radio. The best of we went back. Absolute Radio. The best of Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. So I went, if you remember, I'm at the De Vere in Old Windsor. You sound like an old colonel.

A character from The Archers. I'll be staying at the De Vere. It's the biggest hotel I've ever been in The dining room I thought they'd done that thing that they do In places sometimes The De Vere is a chain we should say I believe Well this place

I thought they had a mirror A mirrored wall to make it look Massive The dining room But no it was massive Anyway look massive yeah the dining room but no it was massive all right yeah anyway so not that we got into the dining room because uh we had the dog with us so we had to eat um just outside the dining room no dogs where were you sat what did you have to sit like a bar nearby so we had

breakfast in there oh in the dog house yeah exactly so anyway i went uh i went back to uh to do the photo because you know man of the people yeah so um when i went back i met this guy he come over and said hello and i thought god i know you and he used to go to my church know you and he used to go to my church all right he's called uh brendan and he was there with um the catholic voices convention right uh yeah voices let's get that spelling right yes not vices and um so there was a few hundred Catholics packed into the place. It used to be a Catholic boarding school, this hotel. I don't know if that's what drew them in. Well, I know that's what drew you in.

Yeah. Well, they said, go and have a look at the chapel. And I went and had a look at the chapel, and it's like tables and chairs in there and stuff. It's like for weddings. Oh. Oh. Anyway.

So I went to do me photo, and I had a chat with Brendan and then I went over to the lady and she said, oh, hello again. She said, thanks for coming back. She said, oh, I heard about your dog. I said, what about my dog? She said, it pooed in the corridor. I said, it absolutely didn't. I said, we've been with it all. She said, oh, no, no, everyone's saying it did.

I said, everyone? And then Brendan said, yeah, some of the Catholic voices, people were saying your dog had pooed. I said, what? Gone through Catholic voices? First Alan Kahn, now this. Exactly. How many voices am I expected to speak in? voices first Alan Kahn now this exactly how many

voices am I expected to speak in so I said my dog has not I've been

with her all the time it just it didn't happen and this woman was

saying oh yeah it did your dog did so we went to reception

and I said look I don't like where this is going Pierre in. So we went to reception and I said look. I don't like where this is going Pierre. Now see here. Look here. I said look there's a story going around the hotel.

You should have stayed Alan Carr. I said to Kat I said if you'd have kept your mouth shut it would have been Alan Carr's dog. Yeah, the story would only have unravelled when the woman said, yes, Alan Carr was here with his wife. Yeah, that would have been a shocker. I think that would have overdone the pooing element.

He was here with his what? And the dog pooed it. Never mind that. What was he here with? The best of Frank Skinner On Absolute Radio I just saw that Rishi Sunak's

Slogan is Ready to Rishi Ready for Rishi Let's get ready to Rishi I'm hoping he's going to sing Are you ready Are you ready for Rishi And then all his supporters

Will go yes I am And they would have that kind of accent Yes I'm guessing I don't know And less rhythm I don't know Don't forget the blue wall

They might be yes, I am. Don't forget the blue wall. They might be going, aye, I am. I like the idea of a lot of sort of Winchester choristers going, yes, I am. I'd say he likes a video. He might be putting that out there. But he'd have them, and then he'd have some blokes with whippets. Yes. But they wouldn't do the yes, I some blokes with whippets. Yes.

But they wouldn't do the S-A-M. They'd go, just to show that I'd been completely won over. Yeah. Let's see how the intercity development goes. Intercity? In a... Sorry.

They changed the lyric a bit, frankly. I don't mind. Are you ready for it she cut to them happen listen I've got to tell you something I we listen to a lot

of absolute radio in our house and I'm not just saying that I'm not being the company man but we do it's on all the time

my partner in particular never puts the radio off. She loves a bit of Dave Barry. Oh, she loves Dave Barry. And this week, my partner, who you've met, Pierre. Yes. She has that malapropism thing,

which in case you're not aware of this, is not so much saying, well, she does say the wrong word, but she gets, if she tries a proverb or something that obvious. She'll say, here's an example. She didn't actually say this, but just like she'll say, well, he's going to hell in a handlebar. Yes, exactly. There's always something a bit wrong.

Well, I'll give you an actual one. She was on about some bloke being caught out in a lie at work, and she said he just looked up like a goldfish in the headlights. Yeah, that's Pete Capp. It's a bit chappaquiddick. But this week, I don't know what the subject was, but some subject cropped up and she said, oh yeah, they were talking about that on Shane and Richie.

Which is... Which was supposed to be Bush and Richie but had been turned into an Alfie Moon sort of split personality thing. So I know now I will

think of them as Shane and Richie forever. Think of them? I'm never calling them anything else. And I like the idea that Shane and Richie's got enough personality just to be spread into two presenters. Yeah, very emotional documentary about him. Was it Shane who said that or was it Richie? Yeah, exactly. But he's got that pop star rock and roll thing

and also a cheeky chappy and an actor. I'm seeing it more as a documentary about trying to find out what happened, in which Lionel Richie investigates what happened to the second series of Shane. Oh, that would be good. I like Lionel Richie as a detective. Well, you do now.

He's so obsessed by Shane. Yeah. He's still around, is he, Lionel? He's still very much around, yeah. I'm glad to hear that. What's your favourite Lionel Richie song? I like Hello. Obviously, I don't know any of his stuff.

Don't you dance it on the ceiling? No, I don't like that stuff. It's got to be dancing. If he did do a documentary, you know that whoever sort of wrote the interstitial bits would be all the

puns, all the kind of like crowbarring in the title of his song. Dancing on the ceiling. Yeah, and I

wasn't dancing on the ceiling when I realised that, you know, that sort of thing. Yeah, if it was about like his

breakdown, it would be like dancing on the feeling. Yes, yes. My only objection to that song is I don't like songs where there's enforced party noises in the background. Like, woo! Yeah.

I can't bear that. You're not in a party, you're at a studio. Yeah. OK? All the worse to play a song like that in a sort of massive empty room. It underlines the contrast, the lie. If you did a documentary about getting boils when you're on the International Space Station

called Lansing on the ceiling. Oh, God. Oh, God. Come on, weightlessness, boils. How often do you hear those two mixed together? I'm still reeling from interstitial. This is the best of Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. OK.

Outside. We've had a few. OK. Outside. Outside world tweets. We've had a few. But not too few to mention. Do you know that puts me off people a bit.

What? When their song... I mean, it's late to be put off them, but if they choose us, let's call it their final song, My Way. I told you my My Way embarrassment, didn't I? An ex-girlfriend and I went to see Robbie Williams live at some big arena gig and he sang my way

and I said to her come on I love Robbie he's got a great voice but he can't be doing my way that's ridiculous and at the end he said I'd like to dedicate that to Frank Skinner who's in the that you felt such a git. I felt a git beyond git. Did you? Post-git. Git plus. I like beyond git. Could that be your new autobiography? No, I don't think I've ever truly got beyond it.

Yes. So, und, und, as they say in Germany. Well, speaking of trick-or-treating and your new burden, und, und, as they say in Germany. Well, speaking of trick-or-treating, and your new burden, Frank. I thought you were going to say your new bird. I thought it was going to be a bit 90s. I was going to say, can't say that. The bowl of sweets by the front door.

Are they still there? Well, some of them are. I've eaten most of them. It's like the holy water bowl when you go in and out of church. Have you got any of the lipsticks? What are they? I said a grandfather clock ticking. Sorry, I was just kicking the lower section of my stool.

Don't do that. Yeah, it's not great. A drawing room atmosphere to the radio show. I like that. It sounds like someone's about to say, come. Pierre always performs in a velvet jacket, of course, if you're aware of that. It's the sort of noise you'd expect...

Oh, he collects the bits. Frank, it's the sort of noise you'd expect to hear in the drawing room of the gentleman who said to my father, hello, notice me things. Yes. Okay. So helpful. I do apologise. Pierre was talking and I interrupted.

As a sweet aficionado, Frank, did you see the news that there will be this Christmas no bounties in the celebrations? I'll tell you something about this. There was a lot of bounties in the celebrations. Well, I'll tell you something about this, is that there was a lot of bounties in the Trick or Treat this year. When I walk past that bowl,

it's like walking past a 1980s version of the body shop. The smell of coconut coming from it. And yeah, so, and I had a bounty out of the bowl and it was you know when I'm sorry I don't know where to put my feet you've got some Dave Allen affair going on around there

yeah anyway so I forgot what I was saying you were talking about the bounty I had a bounty out of the trick-or-treat bowl. And you know when chocolate, I believe the term is oxidizes. It's got that. It's not got the white bits.

Yeah, it's gone sort of grey on the outside. So that is, I think, someone has had those, well, let's get rid of those bounties. So I did wonder then if there's an anti-bounty thing. But I was shocked. I mean, everyone's saying, well, you know, this is just a publicity stunt

and everyone's talking about it and that's great for them. But I mean, like, celebrations need advertising. And also my advertising for them is I shall never buy celebrations again. And I urge you all to join me in that boycott.

Because I think it was Mark Twain who said, whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect. And this idea that people don't like... Who? Who are these people who don't like bounty? Well, they're saying it's young people. Oh.

So it's now... There's another seven flavours they can have. But it's now got to the stage. What about Grandma? I'll be all right. It's now got to the stage. Ah! Grandma.

I'll be all right. It's now got to the same. You can't even dig your hand in for a chocolate treat without someone saying, OK, boomer, just because of the chocolate you've chosen. Is that right? That's what they say to us, Frank. I think it's the worst, if it is a marketing trick, which it obviously is, it's the worst marketing decision

since we were introduced to the man behind the Go Compare opera singer. And he is now in the advert. What, we want to see behind the scenes of the Go Compare man? No.

We don't want the making of Go Compare. Thanks very much. It's apocalypse now. Oh, it's the worst idea.