The Frank Skinner Show - Cloth Fireplace

Episode Date: September 23, 2023

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. The Radio Academy Award winning gang bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. This week, Frank has been to the opticians and had to make an emergency visit to the vet. The team also discuss King Charles' stand up, polyamory and tattoo removal.

This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Pierre Novelli. You can text the show on 81215, follow us on X and Instagram at frankontheradio, email via frank at absolut radio.co.uk morning boys morning morning so um here's a here's a thing here is a thing um if you're listening to this on absolute radio um rather than uh on the podcast or on one of our decade channels. I just played a song by Big Thief to open called Humans. And I'd never heard of Big Thief before this week. And I had to go to the opticians this week

and the receptionist was wearing a Big Thief T-shirt. And I said, what is that? What does that mean? It's a really nice t-shirt and she said oh it's a baton they're really good so i checked them out and here we are they're on the radio on my radio show isn't life don't you think you back me up on that opticians have a giant pair of plastic spectacles in the window? Sadly, no. But I'll tell you something that happened. And I had to have the full eye test thing.

Did you? Because I've moved to a new opticians. I know, it's a big moment. More on this story as it happens. And I hate an eye test. So much built-in failure. Did anyone ever pass and read every tiny line and say, you know, there's failure.

You have to, one has to look better than the other. Those dots. There's always one that's a bit blurrier. And don't you hate the fact that they don't tell you whether you've passed or failed each time, so you go, eh, you? And they'll just say, OK, next one. Yeah, exactly.

Or just tell me if I got it right. Yeah. Well, this woman said, great. OK, great. And I thought, no, what was it there? OK, great, you're going to need some massive glasses. From a business point of view, I'm delighted. Exactly.

But I'll tell you what happened to me. I tried on some glasses. Yes. You know, it was an optician. Yes, traditionally. And it was like what I would call the glasses shop at the front of the optician. I should just call it that. Yeah.

Don't blind me with science. called the glasses shop at the front of the optician. I should just call it that. Yeah. And... Don't blind me with science. And don't blind me or you'll make no money. So I tried on many... One of the things... I don't like an eye test, but I do like trying on frames. Yeah. When you can liberate them.

Well, as you know, I've got a long head. Deep, I suppose you'd call it. Yes. Mexican alien style. So if you look at me straight on, the back of my head looks slightly smaller just from perspective. It's very deep.

So I need a long side, as they call them at this. Because I've heard them called arms. I've heard them called stems. But no sides. Anyway, I was trying to load on. And I picked some, gave them back to the lady in the big thief T-shirt. And I said, oh, hold on. Where's the ones I came in wearing?

And she went, oh, hold on, where's the ones I came in wearing? And she went, oh, no. And I said to her, this is the worst possible place to lose a pair of glasses. It's a nightmare. So I had to start looking at the shelves to see if I'd taken any off and put them back. Anxious that someone might come in and buy them. She had to get back all

the ones that she'd got out. They often come out in velvet like being at a jewellery. Oh, they're presented on a tray, aren't they? All that stuff, yeah. So she had to get all hers out again. Thank God you didn't take in your poster

of letters yeah my what sorry your poster covered in letters that get increasingly small an awful thing to lose in that shop as well did i ever tell you about the time that buzz did a eye test buzz did an eye test at school when he was about five and he drew he was so excited by it that he drew an eye chart and tested me when he got back. So I said, okay. And he was just starting to do letters. And so he did them phonetically. So I'd go, he said, right, top line.

I went, buh, kicking, kuh. And he went, yes, good. And then I went, duh, fur. And he went yes good and then i went dirt third he went yeah very good and the next one i said uh and he said yeah and then i went oh oh no is it ah ah no is it a is it i thought maybe he's done a d with a too short a stick. I said, is it duh? He went, no. I said, I can't, I don't know what that one is. He said, it's a balloon. What?

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. You might recall I had my child with me last week and we went on to the five doctors at the BFI, week and we went on to the five doctors at the bfi which is a 1983 um doctor who 20th anniversary special which involved all five there's just been five doctors by that point oh why didn't you ask me frank i know i i just i know you're busy it complicated. It's a bit like the two popes. Have you seen that? Yeah. It's like that.

But with the five doctors. It was complicated because the first doctor was dead, which is already is a booking issue. Yes. Which one's that, William Hartnell? Yeah, William Hartnell's had gone. I nearly said it, sadly had died. I hate it when they say that on the telly.

Yeah, sadly died. Is there a category where people say, luckily they died? Well... Happily? Depends. Yeah. They say about people that don't mean anything to them. Yeah, they sadly died.

What do you mean? How do you know? They might have gone in absolute ecstasy. Apparently when William Blake died, he clapped his hands and started singing. He was so delighted he could see some fabulous bright light. Anyway, I went to that. So, yeah, so William Hartnell obviously wasn't in that.

Tom Baker refused to be in it. That's how. So already we're down to three of the five. I saw him interviewed about it and he said, I don't want to be 20% of anything. So they had to use a clip of Tom Baker from a fabulously 70s thing from a programme that had been partly filmed but not completed because of industrial action.

Right. Pete Davidson was there. Partly filmed, but not completed because of industrial action. Right. Pete Davidson was there, though, wasn't he? Oh, yes, Peter Davidson was there, I'm glad to say. And two of his regular companions. Okay. Nyssa and Tegan were there. It was a brilliant, brilliant event. Those Doctor Who events at the BFI are special.

So they were splicing in clips of them not there. I mean, the original one had to, when they made it in 83, they had to get an actor to play the first Doctor, an alive actor. They decided they needed to go alive. Yes, yeah. And then they spliced in a bit of Tom Baker because they had the industrial action half finished.

So him just sort of turning around in a visibly different room saying, what? It's actually him on a punt in Cambridge. Yeah. Did people, did your friends all dress up, you know, your people as the Jadoon or whatever? No, I don't think anyone was dressed up. No cosplaying?

I don't, I didn't see any cosplay. Okay. Although my partner went to see Abba Voyage on Sunday for the third time. Oh my word. And as she was leaving the house, she was wearing an Abba T-shirt and a Dancing Queen baseball cap.

And I said, one or the other. You can't. It's like, you know, the old how many badges before you cross the road when you see them coming dilemma. You can't wear a batista and dancing queen cap. No. You can't definitely, Pierre. That would look bizarre.

Well, it's the Coco Chanel rule, isn't it? What is that? Before one leaves the house, look in the Coco Chanel rule, isn't it? What is that? Before one leaves the house, look in the mirror and take at least one thing off. Is that right? Yeah. In her case, it was her swastika pin. Oh, was she?

She was special friends with quite a few high-ranking men. Too dark for breakfast. Oh, I didn't know that. Frank has gone too dark for breakfast. I'm afraid. Too dark for breakfast. I'm afraid. Too dark for breakfast! Oh, the jingles are turned off. Too light, too light.

I love that. I know I'll never be able to do that again because I associate it with pain and anguish. How do you think Coco felt? Yeah, probably very exhilarating and then a bit down. I'd say it was the process. Frank, Ruth Jordan has been in touch, one of our regulars. Where would we be without Ruth Jordan?

OK. I'm intrigued by... It actually wasn't a rhetorical question. Carry on. I'm intrigued by how big the case for Frank's glasses must be if the sidearms are that long. Surely the case doesn't fit neatly in a pocket but must instead be wheeled along behind him.

And we all know how much frank loves a wheelie suitcase how that's a good question ruth jordan how uh long is your glasses case well of course strange children's nursery ryan yeah what i do is that the actual spectacles the front bits are in the case and then And then there's two holes where the sides come out. And I push it like a wheelbarrow. Or lawnmower. Yes. No, it's a good question, that, Ruthie.

Ruthie now, is it? I'm thinking of Ruthie Henshaw, the queen of the musicals. Okay. No, they seem to snuggle in. Maybe when this... My new... I don't want to plug the opticians. Not after they lost your glasses.

I'll give you a clue. So, in the Bible, it's equal to about 60 centimeters oh it's the little things in life don't you think so um i want to ask your question i want to ask you a question that's the sentence I was after. Yeah. So I have been up in the early hours twice this week because I've woken in the night scratching at something and I've heard... And I've been mosquitoed two consecutive nights. My hands, I don't know if you can see them from there,

but everything that was sticking out of the duvet has been bitten. Right. Okay. As the actress said. Yeah, yeah. So I search, you know, sometimes, I've done it in the past, if you get up in the past. If you get up in the night and put all the lights on,

you can find it resting somewhere, the mosquito. But I could not find it. Having a little cigarette and a coffee. Well, someone told me. Now, I wonder if you can help me out. Spent. I mean, I was out to kill. I don't put it in a glass.

Did you turn the lights on then and go hunting? Does anyone with a mosquito put it in a glass and hold a card underneath it? Just release it into the garden. Do people do that? No, they don't. It's my blood. I'll squash it if I want to. I've fuelled the damn thing. It's become part of me now.

Yeah, it is. It's a bit of me flying around the bedroom. It's a bit of me? He's a mosquito. He's a bit of me now. Yeah, it is. It's a bit of me flying around the bedroom. It's a bit of me. He's a bit of me. These are very funny things to hiss under your breath at 3am as you cavort around the room clapping. It's a part of me. It's my blood after all. Come back me.

I'll get you me. It's my right, if anything. Come back. Buzz saying, is Dad all right? Oh, that's so... But this is what I want to know, and I'm going to make this an 8, 12, 15, if anyone out there. I was told, and I don't have perfect pitch,

I was told that there's a certain note that you can hit that repels mosquitoes. Have you heard this? Is that right? So let's say it was... And it'll repel it. Because they're very critical. Yeah, exactly. If anyone knows what that is,

because I can't go on like this, my hands, honestly, and wrists have got about nine bites on them. Do you know what? Your hands are one of your best features. Thanks for, well, they were until they, they look like that moment in Sword in the Stone when Merlin gives the witch a disease. Do you remember that?

She gets all red spots on her. That's what they look like, kids. Frank's been enjoying learning some youth speak off air. Yes, and this morning I've learnt some youth speak and that Coco Chanel was a Nazi collaborator. What a fabulous morning it's been. I love to learn. Aww.

I had no idea about Coco Chanel. I thought he said fashion. So yeah, youth speak. When I said that the mosquito was a bit of me, then I'm now told by Emily Dean, who's something of a, I'd say she's our youth speak guru. Yes.

Because she knows young people. Well, yes, I explained to frank that a bit of me yeah is sort of you speak for oh i've got designs on him or her yeah that's if you fancy someone yeah i love that no one ever said oh i've got designs on, you haven't met Coco Chanel. Coco Chanel definitely did. She's like, I've got designs on him. Have you, my dear? Anyway. I'm afraid we have a contract with Hugo Boss.

I just like the surname. So, yes, some people say, oh, take that, so go on. He's a bit of me. That's good, Frank. You said that beautifully. I could say that of my child, couldn't I?

Of Buzz. He's a bit of me. No, no. But he is a bit of me, genetically. Say it of Kath. I said, oh, there's Kath over there. She's a bit of me. Oh, I don't like that.

No, that wouldn't work. I don't think she'd like it. Do you think it works less well if you pronounce the T and they're a bit of me? You sound slightly grumpy when you say it. Kath's more a bitter me. No, we love it. We had some before.

What was it? Polyamory, I taught you. Polyamory. When I say polyamory, I taught you. I'd like to clarify. I did not teach you anything. I'll be honest with you. I was about to correct you because I thought, oh, she means polyandry.

correct you because i thought oh she means polyandry that um social setup where women that the rulers usually have more than one husband that like polygamy you get more than one wife but polyamory is just having more than one partner poly yeah that's what the kids say now so it's like um lots of love i suppose suppose, literally translated. You should just call it lols. Lols. Yeah. They'll say the young people, Frank, and any young people listening, do feel free to contradict me. They won't be up, yeah. Oh, no.

Well, not the polyamorous. They've got their lot on. Well, they might. I don't know. They've got a lot on every morning. I was polyamorous for a bit, and I was on a tight schedule, I have to say. Yes, but Frank. The admin is overwhelming. Yeah, but I think you deviated from the T's and the C's with the polyamory. In what way? Well, I don't know if you told everyone that it was polyamorous.

Well, there'd have been less admin if everyone had knew. No, it was, I found it exhausting. Did you? And also I felt, I started to feel a bit bad about it. Yeah. Oh.

But if you're in the current thing, everyone knows, you're all up front. Exactly, everyone's up front, Pierre. So we're not. So Pierre in that loaded way. No, but you were explaining it to us as a fellow, as a youth speak person. Yes, yes.

And we spent a month at the Fringe and some of the more alternative performers up there are in polyamorous. What do you mean alternative performers? The clowns. The clowns are poly, Frank. Are they? Do you think they say to their partners, you're one of my five a day? Frank, I don't like the Polly clowns. Imagine when you...

Do they... How do the clowns... Why do the clowns love Polly? Imagine when you dump a clown and the tears shoot out about three feet ahead of them. Oh, horror. The sides of the hair just slightly, slowly raising up and going back down again. Frank Skimmer.

Absolute radio. Okay. I had some sadness this week, I've got to be honest. Oh. My dog got bitten by another dog, I hasten to add. And it was all a bit distressing. And we had to take her to the vet. And I have to give her penicillin in tablet form twice a day.

And the vet said, I think he's South African, the vet. Okay. That's quite common. Is it? It always seems to be vets and dentists and dermatologists. Yes, you do tend to go into these jobs. Why is that? I don't know. I can see why you grow up with animals if you're in South Africa. Must be a cavapoo,

must be a letdown after you've handled a giraffe. But anyway. I can see why though though but you know also i think i can see the dentistry thing you're quite physical really as a nation you'd like to pull the molars and things here's a strange instruction though he said to me you have to give her the penicillin twice a day he said it's bitter she said she won't eat it if you put it in food or anything you're gonna have to literally force it down her throat yeah i thought oh good that's something to look forward to he said are you allergic to penicillin i thought have i got this the wrong way around

i am forcing it down her throat and he said no if you are allergic to penicillin you'll have to wear robber gloves yeah or the mix of the tablet and the saliva, it will start going into your pores. Obviously, she's got bigger pores than I have. So, yeah, I have to put, there's a terrible moment where the dog looks at me as I slip on a rubber glove, knowing that the penicillin. It's horrible after that force

of the mouth coming and she's going it's really and dogs I think dogs do not think he's administering administering medicine they think this is just trying to choke me again. I'm being attacked

with a pill. They think oh okay I've had a good run. He's gone mad. Yeah, he's gone mad. We all knew it was going to happen. Yeah. It's, um, but it was horrible. You know, nasty old dog. She's a lovely, sweet, gentle thing and a

nasty old dog bit and really spoiled the week. And I thought, isn't that just symbolic of life? All those nasty horrible people and all the sweet gentle people. And I thought, isn't that just symbolic of life? All those nasty, horrible people and all the sweet, gentle people. And I used to think, why don't all the sweet, gentle people get together because there's more of them and just show the nasty people a real lesson. And then as I've got older and more mature,

I've realised there isn't more of them. That's changed everything. You thought there would be a sort of union of kindness. Now, I think if we separate out the horrible people and the nice people, we're just pointing out the fact that we're a small, vulnerable minority. And I'm not, I mean, I know I'm not that nice,

but I think I'll be on the bench for the nice people. Oh, I beg to differ. Oh, well, thanks. But yeah, it was upsetting. She's had to have staples, not even stitches. Can you imagine that? I mean, I love stationery, as you know. I don't want to see it in my dog.

I'm going to take her to the vet. Next time I'll take her to Ryman's. This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Pierre Novelli. You can text the show on 8-12-15, which people have,

and we're going to just look at those in a minute. Follow us on X and Instagram, at Frank on the Radio. Email via frank at absoluteradio.co.uk. I should say, this morning so far, in case you've just joined us, we've discovered that Coco Chanel was a Nazi collaborator, that young people are going for a polyamory,

which means lots of different partners. Much love. I didn't know that. Much love me. I missed out on that. And that clowns in particular are going for a polyamory. Who knew that?

I don't know if you've ever kissed a clown, but almost always... No, but I liked it. When they break off the kiss, they say, actually, you're standing on my shoes. And also... They make that noise when you do it. I'll be honest, something... What's that noise when you go in. I'll be honest, something...

What's that noise? Uh-huh. And you hit the nose. That's what they say when you break up with them. They're so angry they throw a bucket of water over you. But, oh, it's confetti. Anyway, I'll be honest. I've never heard of Bongo's Bingo,

but I've had a gift from them this morning. I don't want to know. I presume it's all done by drum beats. Instead of somebody going, I'm trying to think of an old bingo call you can still say, Kelly's Optic, number one. They'd just go... And for IT, they'd go...

Or did it say IT? Anyway, Bongo's Bingo has sent me a Pink Henry. Oh. Which is a Henry Hoover that's pink. What, a whole Hoover you've got? Yeah, yeah. Shut up. Yeah, yeah. Shut up. Just a job.

And I once was led around a National Trust property and the guide was telling us about the famous visitors. You were led? Is this in your S&M community? It was a tour. And the guide was on about the famous people and I said, of course, Henry I and Henry II also. This is their home, isn't it?

And he went, no, no. And I said, look. And in a cupboard there were two Henrys on the floor. And as I've often thought, is there anything more tragic than Henry's fixed smile when it's in a skip. Oh, it's a heartbreaker.

Still in the bowler as well, trying to look smart. Even though domped and ditched. Still trying to maintain his standards. Oh, Henry. Oh, Henry. Good name for a writer. So, thanks for that, Bongo.

I shall use it. I still use it with... I still don't... OK. What is Bongo's relationship with Henry again? Bongo's bingo... Old school chums. ...have sent me a pink Henry. I was at school with Bongo.

Isn't he living in honkers now? Where are you, Henry? He's out on that bingo. I thought Henners was in honkers, not bingo. Henners works in waste management, I believe. Yeah. Hoovers it up with his hand, I heard. What?

He always did hoover it up. What? Ha, ha, ha. I love the idea of using what in that context. A lot of the cleaning products are quite aristocratic. Mr Sheen, he's got this handlebar moustache,

isn't he? Why are they all potions? 8, 12, 15. Isn't there a military, isn't there a military captain something as well? That's a cleaning product. Oh yeah,

what is that? Why are the cleaning establishment potions? There's Mr Muscle as well. He's not posh. No. He's not. I'm afraid...

I think he's the personal trainer to some posh people. A bit of ragga. He plays rugby, Mr Muscle. He's a bit more... Yeah, they tolerate him because he helps their lifestyle choices, but he's not one of them. Mr Muscle is just the personal security. They look down on Mr Muscle, and you know that. I don't know if they do.

They do, Frank. He's got that bright orange brash colour whereas they all have quite... Mr. Muscle is their security. He gets rid of the unwanted. Yeah. I think his career is going down the drain. Frank Skinner on

Absolute Radio So have we heard from Alfresco Mond? Yes We have? In terms of Bongo's Bingo that we were discussing Oh yeah In days gone by we got onto that through discussing the inflatable flailing man Did we?

Yes, because they use them heavily to promote Bongo's Bingo. Oh, the undulating giant. The undulating giant. Okay. And regarding undulating giants, Charlie DeAlli has got in touch on Twitter with a video that maybe we can retweet

and it's an undulating man of a genre I've never seen before. It is an undulating man made to look like a sort of delighted chef. Ah. And he is undulating in a specific way. In case you don't get this, they're like sort of a bit like wind socks men. Hot air is fed into their feet and they ripple and their arms raised and waved.

Yes. They look a bit like Fido Dido, if that rings a bell for anyone. Yes, and the sort of cheese straw hair. Yeah. Slim, tall, slim, and a very, very cylindrical trouser. Yes. Very, very.rical trouser. Yes. Very, very. What more could a woman want?

Yeah. Good cut, sir. Or skinny. No, cylindrical for me. No, I'm very, they don't have much shape. They're not hourglass. Well, just wait till you see this inflatable flailing chef. Okay.

Well, I've heard some offers in that time. Yeah. Yeah. They've got him flailing in such a way that just one hand is flailing. Oh. And it creates a sort of incredibly frenzied, urgent beckoning.

Oh, no. Come to the restaurant. The kitchen's on fire. That's what that says to me. Get back here. This way to the firefighters. Yes. Do they have shoes, the inflatable figures?

And if so, what? Well, their shoes are hot air generators, if you can call those shoes. Yes. They're base. See, I'm quite a fan of the, I've mentioned this before, the flame, the orange and yellow fabric that's blown up by under air. Oh, fake flame.

Yeah, so it looks like a flame. Yeah. I like that. Would you consider having a cloth fireplace installed? Oh, yeah. Because we've got central heating, so we don't need anything to generate heat. I'd like that, yeah. I wouldn't like a cloth fireplace.

No? Red, yellow, maybe a bit of orange. Yeah. Oh, no. And maybe what about a small green one for when you get that bit of gas that comes out the log? All right? Log gas.

That's what I... You got any log gas fabric? Authenticity, that's what we're after. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We were just talking about the next texting, possibly. Yeah. I was saying if I had to invest in a long-term career that I thought would pay up,

obviously it's not a thing one normally does at my age, but, you know, think someday eventually this will be a big payer. I would have thought tattoo removal is going to be an absolute boom in 10 years' time. When people wake up and think, doesn't look so good, now it's folding. I'm going to buy a warehouse of skinny jeans, because they've just gone out of fashion. Oh, you think they'll come back? Well, no one thought that low-rise, insanely baggy skater jeans would come back,

and yet here we are. I'm going gonna be a piercing hole healer oh that'd be good because you can always see him can't you oh you always see him yeah i watched the oppenheimer in the cinema on a big screen and you could see um that oppenheimer had a pierced ear at some point in his life oh really i don't know if the real Oppenheimer had a little earring. Oh, was that Eddie? Oh, Eddie. No, it's got an Irish name. Oh, yes, he is. Killian.

Killian, of course. You could sell skinny jeans to long-haul flight people instead of those very unfashionable pressure socks. Yeah. Hold on to them. Yeah. Yeah. Now, listen. Yeah. Yeah. Now listen. Now listen.

Rich in East Kilbride has been in touch. I doubt that. No, sorry, carry on. I don't know East Kilbride. It might be... Yeah. Hi, Franklin team. As part of my previous job, we had a yearly medical, which included an eye test for some of us more senior members of the team it became harder to pass each year one of the guys managed to take a photo of the eye test chart and memorized it so he could guarantee that he'd pass it. That's how a teacher used to say about cheating,

you're only cheating yourself. Yeah, but I fooled you, didn't I? Yeah. What he'd have done if they ever changed the chart was anyone's guess. File. Yeah. That's my guess.

You're sincerely rich from the police sniper unit. No, no, no. This is... Oh, no. It was Henry. Currently flying long haul for British Airways. Exactly. So did it work? Did he continue to do that? Carried on cheating.

Love that film. It's a great film, that. When they got a bit on the nose with all the innuendo, the carry-on franchise. Just carry on, chief. Yeah. Carry on philandering. Yes.

Mark's got in touch regarding the mosquito noise. Oh, yeah. Dear Frank and team, there's an app I have on my phone that creates a high-pitched whine that not only repels mosquitoes, but most other life forms. I can provide that as well., but most other life forms. I can provide that as well.

Yeah, most other life forms. Well, Mark says, I'm surprised your friend the doctor didn't have it as a sonic screwdriver feature. That would have been good, wouldn't it? Does it make a noise, sonic screwdriver? Oh, yes. Does it? Not all of them, but many.

What is it, sonic screwdriver? It's a... What does it do? The only time I've ever seen it used... No, that's not true. The first time it was used, which I think was Patrick Troughton on the beach, he literally used it as a screwdriver. Oh.

But now it does all sorts of things. What was he doing? Repairing her deck chair or something? I think he was removing a hatch, if I remember rightly. Oh, OK. Well, Mark says, by the way, another repelling sound you can also activate through this app, says it neutralises teenagers in the immediate vicinity.

Oh, I know I have tried that. I did a TV show and there's a thing that people said that hooded youths were hanging around outside their shop. And so they got this thing that played a high-pitched noise and they didn't hang around anymore because they couldn't stand the noise, but people older couldn't hear it. And I tried it in the studio and literally the younger people

were going aww aww and the old people were just enjoying watching them suffer basically and there was Alsatians throwing themselves at the stage door from outside I could hear the thud of canine flesh no that last bit isn't true.

But, yeah, it really did work. You can... Is that right? So young people have a different sensitivity with noise frequency. I think we, as we get older, we lose our top end. Yes. Speak for yourself. Mine's looking very nice.

Hence the saying, it's all gone a bit pear-shaped Yeah, and so they can still hear it When I say they, I mean teenagers There might be some listening, so then I mean you Oh, okay But I don't know where the dogs The dog whistle thing used to be a thing you could buy in magazines Only your dog could hear it

Well, David Blundell, can I just say, has suggested we try a full-scale do-re-mi-fa-so mosquito. Oh, David! Very good. Funny now, but

less funny at four o'clock in the morning. And where the morning. Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Where were we? We were in Alfresco, Monk. The Skeeto noises. What do you make

of this? 082. Just to take things over into a an ecclesiastical area. Good morning

team. What is Frank's view on Catholics and tattoos? Well, I know mine. I like them. I don't think they are specifically banned. However, at my school, the monks said that they were not approved of, or encouraged especially,

because we are all made in God's image. Therefore, we should not try to improve on what he'd made. That's from Jimmy the Face, one of our regulars, over to our Catholic correspondent, Frank Skinner, MBE. Well, then, you know, you can't have a haircut, you can't have a shave. Yeah. I mean, come on.

You can't wear mascara. Where would that leave the monks? Now, I understand, and correct me if I'm wrong, Where would that leave the monks? Now, I understand, and correct me if I'm wrong, our Jewish readers, but I don't think you can be buried in an Orthodox Jewish cemetery if you have a... Tattoo. A tattoo. No, that's true, yeah.

Yes, that's true, yeah. Yes, that's what I think is true but Catholics, it's fine. It used to be the case that we were told to be wary of hypnotism. Really? Including the stage hypnotist.

Was it just a general, they'll make you cluck like a chicken, it'll be you cluck like a chicken, it'll be very embarrassing. No, they were all right with that element. What were they worried about? They were worried about the possibility that if hypnotised, your own moral judgement has been replaced by someone else's.

Paul McKenna's. So if somebody said, I'm going to hypnotise you and you're going to go out and punch the next person you see in the face, then, you know, that's not good. Because the Catholic Church generally disapproves of that, depending, you know, turning cheeks and all that.

Next question. Do you believe in hypnotists, Frank? Wow. They're real, I've seen them. I believe, yeah. Oh. I don't know about it. I think it's people that really want to be hypnotised.

I saw Paul McKenna's stage act and I watched it with Kath, my partner, who did a psychology degree and she kept pulling it apart. One of the things he did he said right has anyone ever seen me before to the people on stage and about 10 people put their hands up so he thought well that's good i'll go to them first because they'll know what they're supposed to do so he walks over to a bloke puts his hand on his thing and he just collapses but we all knew as kath

pointed out that he'd done that before and occasionally you'll go over to someone and say I know you've come out of it you need to go down and as Kath pointed out that makes everyone think oh I don't want to not be in the exclusive group so I'm going to go with it whatever he asks me to do so I don't know if I do believe in it sorry if there's any Freudians so I don't know if I do believe in it sorry if there's any Freudians listening but I think

it might be if you don't want to be hypnotized I'm not sure you can if Darren Brown is listening he could come to the studio and have a go at me have a go if you think you're hypnotic enough.

He was a... Come on, have a go. Yeah. We had him on as a guest once, Darren Brown. Did you? We did. How was he? He sent all these answers to the questions the week before.

No, he didn't. He was lovely. He's a tiny bit creepy, but that's what you want from us. Oh my God, Frank. You're so rude about people. No, but you want that from a mesmerist. You don't want them to come

and be like happy-go-lucky. Just keep the music on. I went backstage to see him once. I hadn't told him I was going backstage. And he was sitting, holding his, you know that bit between your eyes, the very top of your nose, where people get a headache and they hold that?

He was leaning in a chair, holding that between his index finger and thumb, with opera playing. Come on! And I thought, someone must have told him I was on my way in. They must have. Him and his hidden cameras. Great actor, I must say.

Frank? Oh. Oh, hi, Elvis. What took you so long? Martin Cheek. Oh, yes. I? Martin Cheek. Oh, yes. I like Martin Cheek. He's texted many times.

He is. Martin Cheek. It sounds like he might run the inn in a Shakespeare play. One of the lows. He could be a mechanical. He's a very rude mechanical. Hi, Frank. Resound frequency for dogs.

Laurie Anderson of Oh Superman fame. Oh Superman. Can you just fill us in briefly? Laurie Anderson was a fabulous experimental musician who had a hit with an unlikely sort of seven-minute song called Oh Superman, which had a strange heartbeat in... When were we talking, 1970s? Probably mid-late, late 70s, maybe early 80s.

And I saw her live a couple of times. She's brilliant. And she married Lou Reed in the end my childhood bogeyman yeah I love Lou Reed as well but Laurie Anderson I saw her and she had done something with her voice so that it went through a violin so when she played a violin string instead of the usual it was her voice making the noise. It's amazing. Well that leads us on to

Martin Cheek, the rude mechanical's next point. Yep. Laurie Anderson of Oh Superman fame made a CD Oh Superman made a CD for dogs which only dogs could hear. She also gave live performances of this she said that the attention CD for dogs which only dogs could hear. She also gave live performances

of this oeuvre. She said that the attention seeking dogs, poodles etc, sat at the front whilst the cooler dogs I mean, can I just say how much I love the concept of the cooler dogs. The Bernese, the St Bernards, the Great Danes

all sat at the back. Thoughts, Martin Cheek? Well mine's heavily poodled soes, all sat at the back. Thoughts, Martin Cheek? Well, mine's heavily poodled, so she'd have been at the front. At the front, like a try-hard fan? Well, maybe I'll check it out then. Yeah. You won't be able to hear it. She, of course.

But no, all the better. All the better, yeah. I remember she told a story about her dog being attacked by an eagle in the mountains. So we have something in common this week, me and Laurie Anderson. But check her out. She's pretty amazing. And she did some stuff with William S. Burroughs as well. A CD only he could hear.

No. Even he can't hear it now. As is tote, as they say in germany sadly this is frank skinner on absolute radio with emily dean and pierre novelli text the show on 8 12 15 follow us on x and instagram at frank on the radio email via frank at absolute radio.co.uk will i ever be able to say x without putting in inverted commas in some way by my tone no okay also they haven't thought of you can't i mean obviously we can call it x but what's tweeting is it xing i don't like the sound of that if so no xing sounds like sounds like doxing i don't know what that means they've

tried to change it to posting explain doxing posting oh doxing yeah he doesn't know doxing kellen doxing is when you reveal someone's personal information online in a malicious attempt to get nutters to show up at their house. Oh, wow. As doxing. Yeah. Okay. Okay. That sounds horrible.

I like the very meek, frightened way you absorbed that information. Okay. I miss the simple age of the poison pen letter yes yeah the green ink oh man remember the green ink frank green ink well that was always a sign oh yeah they used to say that was a sign of a someone troubles slightly unhinged oh really yeah they only sold green ink to people with uh incredibly sort of a vicious personality well i do use green ink because people with incredibly vicious personalities. Well, I do use green ink because I've got one of those

four-collar pens, of course, and it's a shame not to use the green. I have to tell you, I don't have to tell you, but I'm about to. I was in, what's the name of that place? Is it Smiggles?

Is that what it's called? You'll have to narrow down your... Is it a stationery? Is that what it's called? Is it Scribbler? I don't know. I turned to the producer, he's just laughing at me inanely. You've said that place, and that's all we have to go. No, it's Smiggles.

The Smiggle shop is like a sort of Japanese stationery type place. You get a nice bento box. No? What? Not Muji. Smiggles? Smiggle, yeah. Are you sure?

I'm confident. I've got an eight colour, I'm calling it my octo pen. You know normally they have four colours, the ones that you slide up and down. I've got one with eight at the Smiggle shop. OK, strange flat. This is doing like a radio show Dr Seuss. No, I mean it. One of the colours, get this,

one of the biro colours on my Smiggle pen is yellow. When am I going to write in yellow to anyone? To the mayor of Squiggles Town or whatever. Maybe if I was to complain about the flavour of a lemon drizzle cake. And I wanted to make a subliminal message. Or if you were to accuse someone of cowardice, maybe. Yes, yes. It would be a good one of those if you haven't got a white feather to hand.

Frank, are you sure? And I say this with deep, immense love and respect. Are you sure the store is called Smiggles? I'm not sure of anything in the world. This is like a parliamentary inquiry. Are you sure? I have a pen that has the word smiggle on it, which I bought from a shop which had several other smiggle products.

Could you produce the pen for the committee, sir? What are you playing at? Let me be perfectly clear. Is there or is there not? A fruity stinking can. No. Well, look, I can't wait to go to Smiggles. It's a fat barrels, eight-colour Smiggle pen.

That's what I've got. Oh, I love that Queen song. Yeah. Can you... If you could tell me where I would find a Smiggles... Whoville. Well, look... Whoville, where all the Who's live.

I can't... You're being silly now. I don't know why this is so unbelievable. It just sounds... When I said I had an herd of Wilcos the other week, you laughed at me. We've only got Smiggles around where I live. Yes, certainly.

They are. But because you have an herd of Smiggles, that's all right. Yeah, you buy yellow pens, bento boxes. Do they... Frank, what do they sell other than... It's just You buy yellow pens, bento boxes. Frank, what do they sell other than, it's just the yellow pens and the bento boxes? No, they've got other, those

kind of, you know, related, station related clips. What's related to that, sweetheart? Multicoloured clips and erasers and all that. It's a lovely shop. The bento boxes are a work of art.

They are fabulous. It was a very peaceful, calming shop. You know what they are? Did you feel like you were blissed out and sleeping? I liked it in there. And the pen. You know how I got excited about a four-colour pen? Yes.

A four-colour pen is, honestly, it's an extravaganza. Let's try this. Yeah. I think you were hypnotised by Paul McKenna. You're going into Schmiggle some of our readers will be Schmiggle regulars so speaking of

Argonaut I can't do that on this show because when we go on the decade. Anyway, I had a lovely letter from Charlotte Tambling and she has sent me a fabulous signed photograph of Vanessa Harryhausen

who is... The founder of Smiggle. No. But I'm trying to work out how she's related to Ray Harryhausen, does it say on here? But she is anyway related to Ray Harryhausen, who did all those amazing animated films of yesteryear. And there's a photo of her holding up a big shield.

It's got boing, boing on the signature, which I don't imagine meant much, which is the West Brom sort of slogan. And it includes also a Catholic newspaper from Lancaster, this envelope, and a day ticket to the George Formby Convention. So it's that. That's me.

Is that a bit of you? That's a bit of me in there. That's a bit of you. Four bits of me, in fact. So thank you so much for that, Charlotte. Suitable for framing. Yeah. Frank, without further ado,

Pierre and I... We apologise. We owe you an apology. I thought there'd be a man with a bugle pen would turn up. This is Frank Skinner, MBE, on Absolute Radio. Accepted with great humility.

Thank you. As anticipated. Thank you for making this so easy. Can I say I've had two texts, one from my son that says it's called Smiggle, with Smiggle in block capitals. Didn't like me calling it Smiggles. And from Sandy Mason, my mother-in-law, Smiggle, hyphen. Yes, we had one in Cheltenham at one time.

You don't hear much Smiggle nostalgia, but there you have a bit. I like at one time. How old much Smiggle nostalgia, but there you have a bit. I like at one time. How old is Smiggle? Can you not talk about Sandy Mason like that? Don't call her Smiggle. So what's the outside world? I mean, Twitter, X, exploded. X exploded.

X exploded. It's an Australian chain and it's real, says Bill Russell. Yay. Which is very Peter Pan. I can't believe, what kind of a lie would it be to invent Smiggle? I think we thought it was more of a mistake than a lie. I see. It was a lie.

It was a lie to them, actually. All right. Rebecca Hume, yes, Smiggle is real. I'll vouch for you. And it's lovely. And Rebecca also continues, entering Smiggle with two young girls is like the seventh circle of hell.

I'm so glad my local one closed. I'm afraid, you know. But we do have, balancing that out, the majority of people seem to be huge Smiggle fans, like yourself. Ultramognus says, sorry, Pierre, I was just going to say, points out Smiggle because it's halfway between a smile and a giggle. Oh.

That does make me hate them. It's an awful, awful way to do it. That shows you a lovely life. Yeah. Smiggle. With you, it's halfway between a smirk and a niggle. Yes, exactly. Yeah. Of contempt.

That's my reaction. Although, I looked at their website now, and collectible character goo is only two pounds. Yeah. So that's a very good deal on collectible character goo. Is it? I'd say. Should we go there?

What about the octopan? Well, I'm just shocked to discover how much I've been overpaying for my collectible character goo. Yeah. Anyone bought a bento? I don't know where you're getting bento boxes. I thought you meant with food in. No, no.

To take to school. That's why I thought you'd lost your mind. Smiggle is in the same family as Tiger or whatever it's called. Yeah, well, I think it's a bit cooler than Tiger. I thought you were saying... I thought you think it's a bit cooler than Tiger. I thought you were saying I thought you were saying I thought you were saying you had found a stationary

shop that sold bento boxes as in the food. No, no. It's a terrible misunderstanding. What sort of mad muji sushi shop combo niche chain have you discovered? If your child wants to take a Japanese themed lunch box, then they can whip out the bento.

Okay. And Smiggle, I notice, has a sort of slight fraggle rock font. It's a lovely, cutesy, warm place to be. And a fat little pen with eight colours. I mean, let's not forget that. That was my moment in there. That was my moment, everybody. That was my...

Or that terrible Andrew Lloyd Webber Eurovision. My time, it's my time. Apparently not. Boys, I need to talk to you about KC. And the Sunshine Band. No. KC and his... He was live and unleashed at Versailles. Did you catch it?

The king. King Chuck. King Chuck. He did a little bit of stand-up this week. He did. He did a proper crafted comedy speech. King Charles. Yeah.

Which I've never, I don't know if I've ever seen the Queen in her long reign ever even try a gag. She didn't get writers in, no. Well, she just kept, she played it straight. She was more of an improv. But she did, can you think of a joke that the Queen did? She did a prank, didn't she? Where she drove that guy around in a Land Rover

and sort of terrified him. But she also did the, and then the Olympics James Bond thing or whatever. Oh, yeah. She was more of a physical. She's more of a Sacha Baron Cohen sort of figure. She was a figure. Paddington.

Yeah, she was. I'll tell you what she was. Paddington, sketch comedian. King Charles is more front of cloth. Yes, yeah. He's a stand-up comedian. He'ston? King Charles is more front of cloth. Yes, yeah. He's a stand-up comedian. He's an old-fashioned vaudevillian. She was more of a, I think she was what we would call a clown.

Now we're not casting any aspersions on any other aspects of our life. Now we're not training for polymorphery, whatever it's called. Polyamory, Frank. And it's Smiggle. Polyamory. Frank, polyamory and Smiggle. Yes. Okay.

That's what we've learnt this week. And, of course, Coco Chanel and the Nazis. Anyway, we might still learn things. So we did a speech. President Macron was in the audience. Wow. Hello, ladies. And so he did a bit of...

Hello, ladies, are you with me? So Charles dusted off his Anglo-French material. Yeah, the difference between us and other countries. Winston Churchill apparently once said to someone that if you can speak French really well, don't do it in front of the French or they'll hate you for it. Is that right? So always sound a bit less skilled at French.

And then they'll think, oh, well, this English guy trying his best. I heard that about Russian. So if you can speak Russian fluently, they're just incredibly suspicious. Because they go, well, you must be a spy or something. Why would you bother? I think they're quite, yeah, I think they'd just be suspicious anyway. Anyway, so I thought Charles sounded like he was pretending he couldn't speak fluent French. Yes, because Queen's accent was a little bit more flawless than his,

wasn't it, I believe? I don't know. I think so. Was he better or worse than Edison? That's the key question. Because he did stand up in French. I've done stand up. I tried to do stand up in French once.

Oh, really? Yeah, I tried to do five minutes in French. It was awful. Wow. It was like wearing a straitjacket and being dropped into the sea. So, in a way, King Charles slightly ripping off Eddie's odds act. Yes.

I hope he doesn't take up the Le Beret Rosé as part of this. I guess if you get one of those pink berets and then put it... You know crowns sometimes have that sort of padding in the middle. Oh yeah, the bit of velvet in the middle.

If you put a crown over the pink beret, it would take you a second to notice. No, I agree. The crowns aren't a very snug fit though, are they? I don't think he was wearing his crown, we should say for the stand-up act. He could have done some classic openness about the crown. He wasn't wearing his crown.

Or not mention the crown. Like I once saw, what was his name? He presented, I think, the last ever series of Gordon Astley. I saw him do a stand-up act and he came on with enormous antlers, which he never mentioned at all. And then at the very end of his act, he came on with enormous antlers which he never mentioned at all and then at the very end of his act he said do you think I've got too much mousse on this

it was tremendous Frank Skimmer Absolute Radio We were just talking about King Charles his stand up act in France. Yes, at Versailles, talking of pleasure domes. And we should say present was Mick Jagger.

Mick Jagger, yes. Because he has a chateau in France, I believe. And what I am hoping for, I didn't get confirmation of this, visual confirmation of this, but Frank, I really hope he wore the black platform trainer with the tux. Oh, yeah. He does favour that. And I'm hoping, I think he might have worn the scarf,

the beatnik scarf, which he favoured. I think you could get someone else on his chair as well. He's got so small-bottomed. Yes, he has. As he's good, we can save money for a place. Yeah, exactly. Well, of course, the stones all went to the south of France as tax exiles.

So maybe he stayed since then. Charles used to have a bit of stand-up that he did over and over, where he would come on with the Queen and he'd say, so I sing to Her Majesty and then he'd leave a slight gap and go, mummy. Yes.

And it always got a laugh and she always looked at him like, you're still doing that stuff. It's good to have a catchphrase. It is, yeah. No, that was, you're right, that really was his catchphrase and it worked, to be fair,

but now he's, you know, this was more of a work in progress in many ways. We should say some of his gags. We should. He said, I mean, this was in French. Perhaps we should say it in English. Yes, I think so. But he said, he made a reference, didn't he?

He spoke about a time when the British Embassy tried to bring English wine into France. Yeah, can I ask that? Because he said, one of his punchlines was, is it such a thing as English wine? And I must admit, I thought, actually I don't know the answer

to this. Is there such a thing as English wine? There is. The English champagne is very fine. Many think it's actually surpassing the French now. Where did I grow the grapes? I should add, it can't technically be champagne. Champagne is very fine. Is that right? Many think it's actually surpassing French now. Where did I grow the grapes? Well, I should add, it can't technically be champagne. Champagne has to be French. Well, it has to be from the region of Champagne, I believe. But the English sparkling wine is...

It's very good. South coast, mainly. So the joke he said, the joke he made was, there was this state dinner he was referring to where they provided English wine. And the customs official had said, the French have wine, the English, little pause, have humour. Frank Skinner and Pierre, may I get your thoughts on that?

Well, I don't think I'd do a punchline that said, the French have wine, the English have humour. If the centrepiece punchline of my routine, as it was with Charles, is I've managed to combine being a king and an avid forester. Yes, that was the

main... Is that some of the humour we got in exchange for wine? It's very difficult when you're a king to do observational comedy. It is. Do you know what it's like when your bodyguard makes you late for the opening of the Parliament in India?

What he should have said to him, like President Macron, I've had a lot of problems with Le Pen. Oh my God. Now that would have been a good joke. That would have been, yeah, Why didn't he do that? He should do some observational Is it just one?

Oh man You know when you're in a gilded coach So we're talking about KC. King Charles. His gags. And his gags. I actually thought, I don't know about you, Pia, I thought he did all right.

I like the fact that he at least tried to do jokes. Yeah. Yeah, and then he did a serious bit about shared culture, like an Edinburgh show. You have to do a serious bit about shared culture like an Edinburgh show when you have to do a serious bit alongside your jokes for people to give it

validity yeah because comedy is not good enough apparently no well he won't be the first comedian to start his

career while on public assistance on what public assistance plenty of plenty of the great comedians started when they were on benefits.

Or ended on that. I especially loved... What about if you said, you're not always so nice to English kings, you were horrible to King Harold, the Battle of Hastings, although you did name a tower after him. What do you think? Eiffel? This is good.

You could get an extra gong from the establishment for this kind of stuff if you just sent it in. What if I started writing King Charles' material? But no one knew. And you know what? We just heard his speeches and thought, that's weird. That sounds really the kind of thing Frank would say.

He's really stepped up a lot and there's a lot more references to football. Boing, boing. What could you do? You could do nothing. Just going straight into dialogue. What about when I did the Royal Variety the first time

and I'd gone, I went badly. And he said to me, so where do you normally work? Is it in the north? Oh, man. Oh, dear. And, Frank, when you besieged him. I did besiege him. Dr. Google himself.

As well. By the way, I'm being interviewed alongside, on stage, alongside my stable mate Dave Barry on Tuesday. Oh. How marvellous. What's this for, please? It's, there's a sort of a radio thing happening at Piccadilly Circus and part of it is the

15th anniversary of Absolute Radio. Do we say anniversary or birthday? Birthday. I suppose birthday. Anniversary. Birthday is more radio, isn't it? Yeah, and it's a great birthday celebration here on Absolute Radio. It's our

anniversary. They'd be awkward with that. It's too formal. Mais en français, c'est les mêmes mots. One thing we like to avoid in radio, and that's gravitas. Well, who's going to be interviewing you? I think Miranda Sawyer, when she's finished painting that fence.

Oh, that was Tom. Hey, don't waste your gold. Save that for Prince Quickly, Charles Frank, we've just had a message in Don't worry about it, actually I'm alright I tell you what, you're alright, Frank

I'm not sure, was it Tom Sawyer or was it Huckleberry Finn who was painting the fence? Well, you better get that straight before you start doing that material for KC Yes, you're right Can I tell you, doing that material for KC. Yes, you're right. Can I tell you, boys, I especially loved what someone wrote on X. They said, if I may, I felt so proud of King Charles last night. Quite captivating.

And I thought, I think I might start saying that about Frank, if I may. I felt so proud of Frank last night. 30 years of dirt. Quite captivating. Quite captivating, yeah. I did so proud of Frank last night. 30 years of dirt. Quite captivating. Quite captivating, yeah. I did feel proud. It's fabulous. And you should go and see it.

Thank you. And of course, he doesn't end with, I just can't wait to be king anymore. It used to be his closing number. Look, thanks for listening. And if the good Lord spares us and the creeks don't rise, we'll be back again this time next week. Now, get out.

This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio.