The Frank Skinner Show - Husband Material

Episode Date: July 15, 2023

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. The Radio Academy Award winning gang bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. This week, Emily has been to see Frank's Work in Progress show. The team also discuss chat up lines, Craig David and Frank's new bus sign!

This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Pierre Novelli. You can text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at Frank on the Radio, email the show via frank at absoluteradio.co.uk. Morning boys. Hello, hello everyone.uk. Morning, boys. Hello. Hello, everyone. And here we are again. Yeah.

I, um... Oh, I'll tell you what. Happy Black Country Day. Sorry to interrupt, Frank. Is it Black Country Day? Yesterday. It was yesterday. Oh, I wasn't aware.

How long's that been going? I don't know. Cole, spud 8216. Just let me know. Okay. It was a go for a while. I remember it being mentioned when I was at uni. Oh, really?

I missed it. There's a black country flag there. In case you're not familiar with the country's regions, the black country is an area which I suppose is northwest of Birmingham. Called the black country because it was crucial in the Industrial Revolution and became covered in soot, basically. It's a bit less so now. After Thatcher ripped the heart out. Hey, come on.

Breakfast, right? Sorry, everyone. Donkey jacket. Oh, man. With a burner. So who did I meet this week? Oh go on Pierre You have a stab at it Craig David

Oh Oh my word Are you actually joking? No I haven't finished the sentence yet Craig David Dowsett Do you know him? I thought I did, but no. No.

He starred in Winnie the Pooh Blood and Honey. Do you know it? I do. Yeah. I'm really upset. Why? Because I thought you were met Craig David. Oh, no.

Well, this is more exciting for me. It was, we got, I was at Comic Con again with my son. So we, Craig David Dowsett approached us and said hello. And I said, are you Winnie the Pooh from Winnie the Pooh, Blood and Honey? Which I've never seen, but I looked it up. Can I just give you a one-sentence description on the internet of a film? Feral and bloodthirsty Winnie the Pooh and Piglet

terrorise Christopher Robin and a group of young women at a remote house. Is it animated? No. It's really horrible looking it looks terrifying so is a man

dressed up as Winnie the Pooh in a red t-shirt yeah but he's like Winnie the Pooh if you could imagine he's he's been

through a difficult period is it Winnie the Pooh broke bad yeah very much so and pig lit I mean

you know pigs people used to throw people into the pigs to finish off the evidence yeah they've got it

in their game the pigs I imagine Winnie the Pooh has a lot of visible stitches I couldn't see any

on on CDD but no I don't think any on CDD. No, I don't think he does. There's part of him that still looks jovial. That's what's terrifying about it. He must have been amazed that you just pulled that out of the thin air. Well, because me and Buzz had been sitting on the train on our way to Comic-Con

looking who was on. And we said oh my god what's that terrible frightening picture and it was him I mean as Winnie the Pooh not as himself wasn't his head shot

I also got photographed with Tamara Morrison who is Boba Fett and I met this is someone from my Heron Morrison. Right. Who is Boba Fett. Oh. And I met, this is someone from my watching films when I was a kid. Well, not a kid, but a teenager. Chuck Norris. Oh, Chuck's still going.

Who was in Way of the Dragon. Yeah, Texas Ranger. Yeah. Chuck, what do we think? Still alive at 85? He must be about 85. He's very... I was expecting the worst, but he was lovely.

Wow. Because he's a martial arts guy, and also he wrote a book called Black Belt Patriotism, How to Reawaken America. I had an image of what he might be like, but he was friendly. Yes, I thought he might have something with my cold hands about him, but that's reassuring.

What's the hair like? He was very, you know, looking, I'd say he was a ginger. Lovely. Which always draws me in, of course. And you liked Henry VIII, of course, perhaps one of the most famous gingers of them all. Obsessed.

Yeah. So, yeah, it was great. I would really recommend Comic-Con. It's like, makes you feel

good after. Yeah. What are you looking at me like that for? Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

There's a lovely missive in from Billy Okay And what I'm going to urge you to do is to take the good in this Um Right Alright

Just book tickets in Edinburgh for Badil then later the same day Frank on the radio Mmm Well A comedy duo close to my heart and then it's just a little sting in the tail go on is it 2003 again um no yes dave is doing there as well. Dave's doing, I think, 12 shows or something like that up there.

Catch him while you can. First half, I think. Well, yeah, I have news. Yeah, he's one of those first halfers. One of those first halfers. Yeah, come when the going gets tough. Fringe half full. I went to see, this week, the King of Stand-Up, I believe he's been called.

What? Joseph Squally? King of Stand-Up? He's called the King of stand-up, I believe he's been called. What? I was squally. He's called the king of stand-up. My arms are raised in case you're wondering. Evening Standard. I've also heard said of him. An evening in Skinner's company is always a delight.

Has Kath seen that review? No, I don't think so. She certainly didn't write it. Okay, that was the Guardian. I went to see Frank. As you may have worked out by now. It's your, what do we call it Frank? Is it work in progress? It's sort of, yeah.

It depends on your interpretation of the word progress. I call it work in cold stasis. It's the run-up to the Edinburgh show. It's sort of my last shows before Edinburgh, yeah. So it's my last chance to sort of experiment a bit until like week three of Edinburgh. Oh, is that when you start up the experimenting machine again? Well, yeah.

It's a bit jazzy. Because when you get to a certain age where you can't just do that, you need to have somebody in to stop you from falling asleep on stage. Yes. Yes, that's fair. I like to keep them dabbling. I fear the dabbling when I'm up there. Oh, I fear it.

Do you want to know what I thought of it? Yes Wow Wow I went with I had possibly the most glamorous escort possible I said possible twice But it's worth it when you hear who it is

I was with Lucy Pinder Frank you're familiar with her Yes Lucy Pinder was I don't know if she'd like But she was she was a glamour she was the premier page three she wasn't actually page three wasn't she I don't think so okay she was more FHM oh I see she's very she's a total smoke show and also sure what does that mean? Very attractive. Oh, a total smoke show. Yes. She's a total smoke show.

I thought you meant she was ungraspable. That was like those moments in trials where someone has to explain to the judge, it is a social media platform, my lad. Who is this gazza? Now, I always ask when I don't know. That is my... Well, not only is she a total smoke show, I always ask when I don't know. That is my... Well, not only is she a total smoke show, she's also a total Frank fan.

Is she really? Yes. You know, I did say that we worked together once on a pilot and she said her ambition was to hold a chimpanzee. Oh. And that made me think that she might be a very fine person. She is. Yes.

Because it's a risk. Well, she reminded me think that she might be a very fine person. She is. Yes. Because it's a risk. Well, she reminded me of that, and she said it was actually an orangutan. But how could it have been? That would be ludicrous. They would kill you. And they're too big to hold, aren't they? Don't let Clint Eastwood fool you. No.

I think an orangutan, and as I've said, I always champion the gingers, but even so, I think they would rip your head off. Whereas you'd just get a terrible, terrible bite from a chimp. I always thought the orangutans were the more sedate of the people. Yeah, they're strong, though. God! Yeah. Do you want to know what I thought of it? We can come back after this.

What about She Hates Me? I've got time to talk her out of it during the music. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Ruth Jordan has been in touch, Pierre, hasn't she? She has. What does she say? Well, she's on edge waiting for your review of Frank's show and adds in, how much of a git will Frank be if it includes notes?

I don't know what she means by that. With what I would call the grimace emoji. Oh. Some awkward, teeth-bared, like a frightened chimp grimace emoji. Do you know, I spend a great deal of time googling emojis to see what they mean because i get sent them all the time yeah yeah and i think these young and they'll send them the confidence of these youths the way they'll just slip the emoji on the end and i end up taking a screenshot

enlarging it and looking at the teeth the structure of the emoji to see what does that expression mean. So you do a sort of airport face scan. I do. I go forensic. I take the emoji into the incident room. See, I don't. I'm such a, I hardly ever get an emoji. I don't get, I don't get communications from the young. I'm one of the few.

I'm glad to hear it. I'm one of the few grey haired celebrities. Oh my God. No, so I don't. What are you doing? So I don't... I only know the most basic of emojis. Smiley face. No, but the grimace-y ones get confusing, Pierre.

Yes, context is key. I get, you know, thumbs up, that kind of emoji. I don't... I've never seen one that... Remorse, for example, expressed in of emoji. I don't, I've never seen one that remorse, for example, expressed in an emoji. Well, there's one which really confused me, which is sort of blushing eyes. I mean, it was all

Blushing eyes? Yes, the eyes look to be blushing. There's a heart here. No, the eyes look to be welling up with emotion and I couldn't work out Oh, the big shiny eyes one? Yes. What does that mean? Like a sort of begging puppy. That's the hay fever emoji. Yes.

OK. But, I mean, it ceases to be... The idea is that it makes communication very quick and... Yes. Oh, contrary. ...compact. So if it's sort of vague. I think it's just for adding tone now.

What I'm saying is, should one get ambiguity from an emoji? 8, 12, 15. So? Hold it. We've just had the feathers just gone up. They never got round.

I'm glad. Look, you know. Are you getting worried about my emoji? If you like it, I'll get embarrassed. And if you don't, I'll get embarrassed. And if you don't, I'll experience grief. So can I just tell you, when I came into work this morning, I saw a pub closed down and someone had spray painted on the wall,

he's gone to Norway. If only life could always be there. I feel like I know the whole story now, what's gone on there. Great. Well done that person. Okay. Spit it out. I need to get this reviewed. Spit it out. My dentist seems to have changed

since I was last here. Yeah. I shall be swapping practices immediately. Okay, my review of Frank Skinner, a work in progress, would you say it's a preview of? Well, it's mainly this, more or less, the Edinburgh show with a bit of... Well, it's mainly this more or less the Edinburgh show

with a bit of experimentation still remaining. Called 30 Years of Dirt. Come on. I didn't want Frank to see me. I didn't tell him I was going. Oh, secret. Yeah, because I like his soul to sing openly. Unfettered.

Unfettered. That's very kind. And so I sat with Lucy. I had a guy in the other night, and every time I looked at him, he was honestly looking at me like he despised me. And in the end, I had to say, mate, what's happened? I think that was the night I went. And he said, no, that was a different guy who despised me.

This guy said, this was a younger guy, and he said, I'm only here because my mum wants to be here and she couldn't come on her own. And his name was Harry. And I thought, there's something about Harrys. They never want to be where they are. Prince Harry, Harry Kane, this bloke. What is he?

Stiles is something of a rover. I imagine he's pretty happy with his lot at the moment. Happy Harry. Oh, yeah. Yeah. There was a man when I was in and Frank said to him, mate, you're looking at your watch. Yeah.

And the man said, Frank then said, I'm going home. Did I say that? Yeah. He said, you're looking at your watch. I might as well just go home then. And we all said, I'm going home. Did I say that? Yeah, you said, you're looking at your watch, I might as well just go home then. And we all went, no. No, I'm quite sensitive personally. This is why we love you. Anyway, I was so relieved because it was packed,

King of Stand-On. Well, it holds 120. So let's not put out the Asperdistra. Well, holds 120 so let's not let's not put out the asperdistra. Well it was packed and the people in front of us were yet to arrive so I sat there praying. I said to Lucy, oh I hope it's a big unit

because I actually want my view blocked so that Frank can't see me. And all I can say, I won't say anything about the gentleman concerned but the Lord delivered. Oh, good. It was something of a total eclipse. The review?

I can't cope with the silence. Pierre? Yeah? It's like a pinter. Pierre? Yes? It wasn't good. It was.

Oh, it's one of those, I don't like cricket. Spectacular. I would say it was the best stand-up I've seen you do. Oh. I was going to think it was the best stand-up you'd ever seen and then I was going to look straight at Pierre. Well, I couldn't say that. Fank, it's brilliant.

I was so proud. I laughed so hard, I'm actually going to have to have no talks next week. Well, I got a bit confused, because I thought you'd... From your message, I thought you'd bought Pindar, the Greek poet. So I was shocked by the photograph.

He didn't look anything like that on the statues. Did you think, thank God I didn't know Pindar was in? Yeah, exactly. I would have felt so self-conscious about my verse. I'm glad I didn't know Emily was in, or indeed Lucy Pindar. I mean, you do feel. Please go and see Frank's show in Edinburgh. You won't regret it.

Oh, well, thanks. Thanks mucho, apreciatum, as I think they said in ancient Rome. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This is still Frank. Oh, I'll tell you what. Do you remember a few weeks ago on the show, I spoke of dining out with Holly Walsh, someone who's done the show several times,

famous comedian, writer, and her husband, John. And we dined at their house and above our table they had one of those things you get in bus stops with with the bus timetable on it and it was it's the actual board it's the actual thing it actually tells you what boss is due and what when if there's a boss it might say blah blah blah, blah, blah, going to Brent Cross, 11 minutes. Right. So you know exactly when... You know when politicians say,

I've decided I need to spend more time with my family? Well, it's an aid for doing that because you don't have to leave till just before the boss is coming. And it literally is... I mean, it's connected to the London Transport update. No, it is. How do they swing that? Well, no, they're all for it, London Transport,

because they want people to use London Transport. And trains. We should say, point of order, Transport for London. Oh, yes, TFL. Yeah. So I had a communication from a company called Rako. I mentioned Rako. I hope that's how you say it because it's a Maori word.

I don't really want to say it wrong. R-A-K-A-U. What do you think? R-A-K-A-U. It's got to be Rako, doesn't it? I'm going to be Rako. It's a Maori for wood. Sure.

Oh. Okay. And they said, would you like one? It's a Maori for wood. Sure. Oh. Okay. And they said, would you like one? A bus stop? Yeah, basically. Yeah. I said, you bet your sweet bippy, was what I said.

Oh. And so I had it fitted this week. It's called Rakow, I think, because it's got a wooden finish. They've finished it off a bit more neatly than the ones in the bus stops. Have you played, may I ask where in the home it's positioned? It's at the bottom of the stairs.

So when I go down in the morning, since I've had it fitted, I walk down and go, remember I've... Oh, I'm going to have to come round and see it in situ. Oh, Frank. Is the lettering still orange? Yes, you can change the colour of the lettering,

but I want to stick to the original. What does Buzz make of it? That was my question. Absolutely. Buzz laughed at it for about 40 minutes. I don't know why. Just to the ridiculousness of it. But the next morning I went down and I just thought,

oh, look at that. You know when you wake up next to someone much more good looking than you remembered them the night before? It was like that. But with bus stops. Yeah, but with the bus. And is Kath all comfortable with this arrangement? Kath loves it.

Kath absolutely loves it. And obviously it's not, I don't think there's that many celebs that have got them because most of the celebs I know are not aware of public transport as a phenomenon. They just think there are some enormous red cars that seem to be blocking things. Well, I won't name names, but I was once with a comedian and we had to go to a photo shoot. We'd done an interview. It wasn't David, but in case you're wondering. we had to go to a photo shoot we'd done an interview wasn't David but in case you're wondering we had to go to a photo shoot. He's quite man of the people to be fair. Well he isn't but anyway it wasn't him and I he drives everywhere he's that kind of old lot. No he's not grand. I wouldn't describe him as grand. He's like an old showbiz guy you know they just jump in the car. Yes he did once drive to the BAFTAs

and I laughed at him and I said I can't park in Piccadilly Circuit Anton de Bec I interviewed him like at the Café de Paris in the West End he drove in I love

I'd never do it but yeah I only do it because I'd be too frightened that I wouldn't be able to park anywhere that's I'm not there's no moral reason but

anyway so this comedian said to me are we going to get into town i said just get the tubes quick he said i can't i can't go on the tube i'll be mobbed and i thought how do i say no you i'm more famous than you without saying i'm more famous than you. And so I didn't say that. So we had to get a car in case he got mobbed. In case he got mobbed. Come on. I love the... Having a bus stop sign in your home

is very City of the Future. It is like that. I mean, it's very classic Who. Yes. Every man will have his own bus station. The lettering is very classy too. It's quite me, George Jetson. But it's like art as well as information.

That's what I'm saying. This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Pierre Novelli. Text the show on 81215. Follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at frankontheradio.

Email the show via frank at absoluteradio.co.uk OK. So? I like that you did your Ollie. Yeah. Which do you see yourself more as spiritually? Are you a Stan or an Ollie? I think I was a Stan and I've become an Ollie,

but maybe that's what happens to people as they get older. You're an Ollie. So now, and I learnt about women from you. Mmm. The important thing is when you fall over, you have to go, you have to really do the thing. Anyway, Outsidy Worldy.

Well, we've had this. We were talking about your gig at the Moth Club, 735. Amazing to see Frank at the Moth Club on Thursday. Fulfilled a lifetime ambition Goodness It will stay with me for a long time Did Frank know that someone fainted at the gig?

No, I didn't know that She went down like a tree Oh dear, I'm sorry to hear that And I'm glad I've been told Because I was turning around and going Because I could hear people saying... Oh, I see. And it was someone...

Will you be quiet? When we went to the Globe the other week to watch The Comedy of Errors... Are you going to mention George again? You mentioned a peer's friend, George, on a weekly. He's obsessed by him. We spoke to George after and he said, didn't he, that we get people, we get three or four fainters a week. Yes.

Amongst the groundlings. He even calls them casually fainters. Yeah. And I told my fainting, we've all got a fainting anecdote. As you know, I don't actually believe that fainting exists. I think it's a decision. He said it's made up. Ultimately, it's a decision. But.

It's not a i think that i told you mine i was with evan dando from the lemon heads and i fainted just outside his dressing room yeah convenient my point in a nutshell but what do you expect this weather so i um i was at Lodlow Castle seeing John Milton's Comus, a mask, being performed. And I don't wish to exaggerate. What's wrong with the band, though? I'd say 30 old-age pensioners were literally carried out above head height.

Oh, God. They were fainted. Hot weather? It was like 33 degrees or something like that. But, you know, castles, they're aerated. Remember they used to say that about the Queen Mother? Used to get blokes back home saying, oh, she lives a long time, she's grew up in them drafty castles.

These are blokes that lived in terrible castle flats. It never occurred to them that that might apply to them. Oh, drafty. It is tough in those drafty castles being waited on hand and foot. Hand and footman, as she would say.

The handmen are given much lower billing than the footmen. Oh, yeah, handmen get almost no credit at all. That's why I left. Yes, so... Yes, well, I didn't... Have we got to...

We have sufficient time. I just... I got Fez anxiety there, Frank. I'm going to be honest. Sometimes the producer whips the Fez out. Yes. And I didn't know whether it was going to be one of those moments. Imagine if we were doing a radio show in Tangier.

How confusing it would be. I think I know who the diplomat would be. Moi? Yes, yes. Yeah, you've really got something of the diplomat about you. Do you think? No, he hasn't. Oh, he has.

No, you call me a geek, well, at least my idea would be utterly unbearable. I don't mean he's diplomatic. I mean, physically, he's got something of the Jean Le Carré novel. I can see him as one of those characters. Can you not? Do you think he's a bit judgy, though? He is a bit judgy.

What do you mean? He's judgy. To be in the diplomatic corps. Yeah, exactly. Nobody looks the part. He'd be a good spy, but he's not going to... He'd be a great spy. Too big for a spy.

I can't hide in a crowd. No. Outside of the Netherlands. Maybe if you were at the World's Strongest Man competition undercover. Do you know what? You would have blended in there. Well, if I was at the World's Strongest Man, I mean, I would stand out in there. Well, if I was the world's strongest man, I mean, I would stand out like a...

Well, like a wimp is how I would stand out, I suppose. Let's not bother with any sort of metaphor. That's how I would stand out. I'm enjoying Lauren's correspondence, who sent us a lot of praise, which sadly, I'm afraid, Lauren, we have strict rules surrounding praise. But thanks, we like to read it to each other. But I also like Lauren's sign-off, which I will share, which is, go on, Winnie the Pooh.

Oh. Maybe she's seen the film. Yes, maybe. It'd be a fun thing to bellow at a wood. Yes. God, what is it about? Just really scream it. Now, in terms of, I know sometimes we indulge in a feature,

whatever happened to. Yes. You might think that in these stricter, more nervous times, that chat-up lines were no longer a thing. Yeah, some people would say it more enlightened to describe the times. But I do know... Nor the diplomat.

No, I have some female friends who complain that they never approached IRL in real life. No, it doesn't happen anymore. It's all just on the apps now. They don't need to approach IRL. They've got the apps. They've got the apps, right. However...

They hide behind the apps. I've got a classic Who bus timetable, people are only approached by computer. Yeah. You see, we are living in the 21st century

as I imagined it. I just wish cars made the Jetsons sound. That sort of slightly hovered. I wish they hovered. Oh, yeah. That's still the one thing

they haven't delivered on is the hover car. You'd never accidentally run over a cat again. Never. You'd see the hover car you'd never accidentally run over a cat again never you'd see them I don't like again I didn't like the use of accidentally

well I would run about again I think Pierre suggested you might go over one deliberately but it would have to leap into the air for the hover car to hit it anyway that means that we still have chat up lines they're just more often in textual form right well i'm glad you said textual there i mean i'm i'm a bit out of the snug we like to um but i've seen a i've seen a news story this week that brought

this to mind which was that they've conducted a poll of the greatest chat up lines of all time the poll of single britons which means that the chat up lines can't be that good they really really aren't i thought when i saw this article i was so brought down by it yeah i thought it might have been you know um these estate agents whose job is selling land, which is basically those small pieces of rock that just jot out of the sea for people to build a house on, I thought it might have been put out by them. So people would think, yes, that's where I'm going to live for the rest of my life.

I'll squat there. I always found chat-up lines the most excruciating thing. Did you? In the 70s. The only one I've ever used. How do you use one? What was it? You smell nice.

That was my standard one. Which in the West Midlands in the 70s was a more unique compliment than you might expect. Was that all you had

to say? That was it. I never. Did it work sometimes? Not until I became a celebrity. And then I don't think it was the chat line that was doing it. There's a correlation causation problem. I think there is.

But no, I was a terrible failed. I couldn't, I was nervous. And I just couldn't do a chat up line because I couldn't cope with the self-loathing. Do you know what? This is timely because for the first time in at least a decade, it happened

I got a cold open approach the other day. Did you? Yes, I was all done up. Let's put this in context. I'd been somewhere and a man thank God I have evidence of this because I was on the phone to Faye,

who previously worked with us at the time. On the Fane. On the Fane. It was on the Fane. And she said, what's going on? I was so relieved she heard it, Frank. Oh, she heard, okay. So I do have evidence.

This gentleman approached me, and I think he might have had a couple of cocktails. Right. And he approached me and he said, excuse me, excuse me. He was with a friend. I think it might have been a dare or something. I would, but you know,

the fact is he was in his mid-thirties and he had teeth. Right. He was clothed. Yeah. He seemed perfectly respectable. And he said, excuse me, can I grab your number?

Oh. It was quite an interesting way because it's... Were you doing a fun run? Not to my knowledge. Okay. And it was done very casually. I just wondered where you'd put your number. Frank, it was so casual.

Yeah, what? He said, excuse me, and he rested his arm and he said, can I just grab your number? That's a very cut to the... He said, excuse me, and he rested on me and said, can I just grab your number? That's a very cut to the chat. Yes, and I said, sorry. I was very thrown. There's no messing around. Yeah, I was very thrown.

And he said, well, it's just that you're actually quite attractive. Okay. Oh. Okay, I didn't like quite. See, I thought the chat-up lines were the other way around. You said something that suggested they were quite attractive and then went for the number, but this guy is... He's changing the game.

Yeah, he is. He's obviously in a terrible rush. Exactly. I don't want to be at seven on your to-do list. No. And I don't like quite. What about actually? Oh, no, but people, some people...

That film's never going to take off. Some people... Actually quite attractive. Don't you think people use quite sometimes to mean sort of very? Particularly Americans. Oh, Frank, you're such a good friend. You're quite attractive. Yeah, exactly.

They use it like that. Oh, Frank, that was quite funny. I think that means intensely. That's how I interpret it. Yeah. interpret it. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So we were talking about chat up lines.

Oh, I didn't tell you, so the ending of the youth that approached me on the street. Oh, yeah. It wasn't much of an ending, but it was quite nice

because I just said, I think because he'd approached me on the street and I was so shocked, frankly, at being approached, I just, my immediate think because he'd approached me on the street, and I was so shocked, frankly, at being approached, I just, my immediate response was to say, oh, no, I don't think so. Oh. And he said, you know what he said, which I liked him,

oh, I know hard feelings. That's good, though. Oh, lovely exchange. I think that's a good 21st century cut to the chase so you're not hanging around too long making anyone nervous and then as soon as you get your negativity you're out of there

that was like a live training video you were in that could have been produced by an HR department yeah that was a sort of

drive-by it's like a drive-by I don't think so thank you after school special I won't be crossing any boundaries though

no I think that well done you is what I would say to him I still respect you as a colleague so anyway they had the top 25 chat up lines oh yeah go on then hit me so number 19 for example

was do you know what my shirt is made of marriage material so there are six that are worse than that food for thought in their opinion i mean can you imagine it's unbelievable i find it's usually nylon anyway do you know what my shirt is made of marriage but what do you mean why are you telling me this? Well, I'll marry the shirt then. But it's not angled at all to anything. It's just

words. It's like an avant-garde chat online. But you just answer I would just say, well, man-made fibres, I presume. Well, that's the other thing as well. The risk is that people won't wait. They say things like there's one about coffee, about latte.

Is your name Coffee? Because I like you a latte. But I think the trouble is with that, you'll say to someone, is your name Coffee? And they'll go, no. Why do you ask that? And you'll never get to your sensational punchline. Is your name Coffee?

No. Now go away. There was one I liked. Okay. I would agree with you on all of them. However, I think it might have been number three. Are you a parking ticket? Because you've got fine written all over you.

Now, I'll tell you why I can work with that. Hear me out. At least they've bothered to create, to fashion a set-up and some sort of payoff. And it sort of makes a strange sense. Plus, it allows you to lead with dignity because you're not actually, you're just making a statement. You're just being complimentary, aren't you?

There's no follow-up question, yeah. But they could still jump in on, are you a parking ticket? I say, are you a parking ticket ticket because if I get this over quickly, it'll be cheaper. Are you a parking ticket because I can sense this will end in a terrible dispute. I mean, as a woman, you're okay with these kind of obviously written lines from people.

Yes, because at least they're bothering these types. It's better than just getting the emoji and how you'd do it. If I was a woman, I think somebody said, is your name Coffee? I'd say, my name is Sue because I take legal action against sexual predators. Also, if they said is your name coffee?

I mean... Also, Sue is a real name as well. It has that in fact. And if you sent that to Kofi Annan it would be a very short experience.

Yeah, exactly. Is your name coffee? Yes. Your point. You can't be dropping this in the bar at the UN in a certain era. Is your name coffee?

Yes. Yes. What do you want? I just sit there and mess. It's a messy meeting that generated a lot of these. Is your name Google? Because you're what I've been searching for.

Do you like that? You don't search for Google. You search with Google. No, you'd have to say, is your name Google? Because now I'd like you to help me find more people to say this to. In a kind of infinite fractal. You're right, Frank. If you approach a slightly more senior lady like Emily, you might say, is your name Ask Jeeves?

Because you're what I've been searching for. Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Frank 022. Hi, Frank. My name is Alan Coffey. My flatmate, genuinely, years ago, was called Belinda T.

Belinda T. And he's called Alan Coffey. Oh, I see. People said we would have made a lovely couple. I knew a couple back in Birmingham when I worked at the Triangle and she was called Corrie and he was called Rice. That's a genuine story. Really?

Yeah. Very nice people. I wonder what the pick-up line was. I've got a serving suggestion for you. Do you want to be at my side? Would you like to be at my side? Would you like to surround me or shall I encross you?

Get away from me. Frank, also 220, I feel... 220 reminds me of that all-nude ballet I went to. Oh, for God's sake, Frank. It took me a second there. That joke had a little bus delay on the sign in my mind. I decided not to get on it. Frank, listen to this from 220. I fainted once during midnight mass at Plus Carden Abbey.

Oh, I don't know that. I came round to see three cowled heads looking down at me with a smell of smoke in the background. Are you sure? You're fainting and didn't die? I thought Frank would appreciate that. Yes. There you go.

It's at the end of the story. Three cowled heads. Jules Rimet, you're still looking at me. What if it had been that? I think we're going to need to rewrite this. People aren't getting the cowled heads. Of course, I think they were for cowled head as a head that's had very terrible plastic surgery.

With three black-shredded, two black-shredded wheat on the top, as you once said. A Simon cowell's head. That is the best description of a hairstyle ever. When Frank said Simon Cowell's hair looks like two black shredded wheat. He's done well, though. God bless him. He does. We're quite fond of him.

I have something to share with you boys. Oh? When I saw this story, I was intrigued because I don't know what your game is. I appreciate you're both in, you know, happy long-term relationships now, so you won't have need of the chat-up line. Indeed. I don't know whether you would have one that you would have used, Frank.

You've shared one with us. Yeah, I mean, that'd be fun to come up with, if you know what I mean. Well, guess what? You don't have to because I used AI. I know it's not popular at the moment. Is that acceptable to the actors' union? Well, I like to think this demonstrates how necessary human beings are to the creative process. Okay, because they've done a great job with, do you know what my shirt is made of?

Marriage material. So I've gone to the, what is it called, Pia? It's called AI. It's one of these chat GPT or something. Yes. You know, the AI thing. I don't really. I put in a question, and I asked it a question.

I'm always very polite with the AI. I say, hello there. I don't think you're meant to do that, Frank. No, that's nice. I say, hello there. I don't think you're meant to do that, Frank. No, that's nice. I say, hello there. Could you please come up with a chat-up line? If I was Frank Skinner trying to chat up a lady, what would he say?

You can put that much information. Put in pages of information. Okay. And it replied. Do you want to know what it said? Yes. Well, comma. I like the well.

Yeah. Since Frank Skinner... If there was a time, that would have been enough. In my glory days. Well, since Frank Skinner is a comedian known for his quick wit and humour... Oh, it's suddenly more... A less up-to-date thing than I thought.

Also, don't be so hasty, actors. Is this a vintage AI? It might be fun to play along with that, says AI. Cut to the chase, AI. And use a light-hearted comedic chat-up line. Shall we make this a cliffhanger? Here's one you could try. OK, I'm looking forward to it.

Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. I've just realised I've only got one eye mascara, so it's all gone a bit clockwork orange here this morning. I can't tell that. Oh, you're so kind.

Okay. I was about to share the chat-up line, the Frank Skinner chat-up line that AI had generated for me. Uh-huh. Okay. Come on, help with it. This is the chat-up line. What AI returned to me is a chat up line that Frank can use.

Okay. That'll be handy. No. What it actually was, in fact, was a chat up line to be used on Frank Skinner. Oh. Here we go. Hey, Frank. I don't know about hey, Frank.

Oh, they've already walked away. I think you've mistaken me for a cast member of Glee. Hey, Frank. Hey, Frank. Are you a magician? No. And a wife. And seen.

Yeah. Because whenever you perform, you always make me laugh like it's pure magic. Oh, it's pure magic. Oh, it's flabby. How dare you? I've been going to the gym every day. The first thing I'd do if they said, are you a magician? I'd look down to see if I was wearing a colourful ice coat.

That would be my first thing. It's terrible. And then it gives a little note afterwards, AI. It says, remember, the goal is to keep it playful and lighthearted. Frank Skinner really appreciates humour. Don't tell me what Frank Skinner appreciates. So a humorous approach might make for an entertaining exchange with him. The mistake they've made is that they assume Frank Skinner really appreciates all humour. Yes.

I once, and this is a tiny bit Gittish, but when I used to actually work at my management company, I had an office there, I once sent out an all-persons thing that said, please don't include me in the viral joke things that you send around. Did you say that? I am a professional comedian and it is like dropping poison into a well.

Once I've read these things, I feel my comic judgment might be forever impaired. I'd had so many things like, here's a song about Manchester United to the channel. Shut up with it. So you were like a sort of sommelier saying, please stop smoking. Yeah, it was like that. It was secondary viral humour. Did you get any responses to this?

Nothing. But I never got another one of those. I can't imagine anyone said anything about it. I can't cope with the viral jokes. No. Well, I'm sorry to tell you. Occasionally, like, you know the singing cat? I'm dying, I'm alone.

I'm dying, I'm alone. You know that one? Yeah. I don't mind that. Yeah, that's not a joke you can write. No, exactly. An organic happening. That's cat humour. That's cat humour. Do you want to know what AI came up with? If one wanted to chat up Pierre, which we said would not be appropriate

because he's, you know, happily partnered up, but just if AI was to suggest something. Does it begin, Hey, you up there, in a loud voice? We'll soon find out. Once again, the producer's giving us the heavies, so we'll find out soon. Okay.

We've had a few people asking about Rakow. So many people. Who did my bus and train timetable. Yes, trains too. David Crossley and Joe Blogs. Please, we want to know where we can go. They're on Insta.

I can tell you that. Okay. And we'll try and put something up. We'll put a link of some sort on it. I had no idea there was such a yearning for information. Bus timetable. So it's more than information, though. It's a lovely thing.

Anyway, there's a picture of it, actually. Can I say I have no share in this company? Yeah. No? You simply admire their objet. Yeah, exactly, exactly. I had left us on something of a cliffhanger. Yes.

I was going to share what AI had come up with, should one wish to chat up yeah okay i'm bracing myself too right we're out of time i've got well thanks very much hey pierre hello i have a confession to make. I see. You bring the South African heat with your comedy. And I must say, you're like the Bray, brackets, barbecue. Bray. Bray, sorry. Bray, brackets, barbecue, that ignites laughter in my heart.

Care to spice up our conversation with some fiery humour? It says, in brackets, feel free to modify or adapt the line to match your own style and delivery. The idea is to highlight Pierre Novelli's South African background and his ability to bring the heat and humour to his performances, all while maintaining a light-hearted and playful tone. OK. OK?

What say you, Frank Skinner? Well, as with all of these, it offends me in many ways. Yes. I'd have thought the Isle of Man might throw up more because it's got the word man in it. Yes. Might have a sort of man-o-man type thing going on.

Yeah, that's more... But South Africa, I don't know if I want to incorporate it into a chat online. I don't know how much my humour is fiery. No. Or barbecue-like in any way. Smalder. I've seen you smalder.

Yeah. Who do you think is worse, Fanks or Piers? Oh, I think Piers is worse. That's worse. It goes on for about seven minutes. I was thinking, what about,

in the style of, is your name Google? Is your name Amazon? Because you come with quite a lot of excess packaging. What about that? That's good. I've actually written a few of my own in those vein. Those veins?

In that vein. Okay. If I can test these out. What do you guys think of these? Do you think these would work? Go on, fire off. Go on. Are you the Financial Times because you're pink and respectable?

Oh, okay. Is that good? Why do I want to be pink? I don't know. It says nice. Especially in a South African accent. It's a bit worried. Because you're pink and respectable.

What have I done? It sounds... I'm really concerned about that one. I've started with the worst one. Okay. We're going up in quality. We haven't got to guess what my shirt is made of. No.

Bill Tong. Beef. Do you like beef? That's the main chat-up line. Are you a new restaurant? Because I'm interested, but you might be awful. No, you can't. Pierre, that's terrible.

I hope your current relationship works out well. Pierre, that's awful. Okay, what about this one? Give us your best. The best one. He's a man who's lost confidence, I can tell. Go on, fire away away are you a bear because you can sort of dance but it's cruel to make you oh

i think it's one that to pierre gets quite a lot are you a bear yeah well i was gonna say in certain dating communities that means something very different. Exactly. You don't want to walk in and say, are you a bear? It's basically, it's an impossible thing, the whole chat-up line, without really lowering yourself. Well, it is if you say, are you a bear? Yeah.

Are you a bear? Just leave it at that. No? Are you a bear? You smell like one. Yeah. No. Are you a bear? You smell like one. There could be a hog element in the are you a bear. I'm still reeling from restaurant gate, quite frankly. What about are you because you're pink?

And respectable. And respectable. It would work if you met pink. Yes. Are you the Financial Times because you're Pink? What about that? Be a good nickname for Pink. All right, Hefty.

Yeah. Don't you think you're saying Hefty? Got to be so careful nowadays. I'd like to return to a subject that has been previously discussed on this show via some correspondence we've had in the week from our loyal readers. The subject of brains faggots. Oh, yes. Now, I was saying I grew up eating faggots and peas,

faggots and peas, as we sort of called them. And I don't see them. I don't know if it's just been in the southeast of England, but I was having some exotic meatballs in a Greek restaurant and I thought, these are lovely, but they're not like the faggots of yesteryear. So they still exist. Well, Lisa Matthews, Frank Hem and Pierre, long-time reader, first-time correspondent,

whilst scouring the freezer section of Sainsbury's in Leatherhead, Surrey, what did I spy? Yes, Mr Brain's pork faggots. Family favourite since 1925. Very reasonably priced at £1.60 for six. That's a worry, isn't it? They could have been in the back of the freezer since 1978. Oh. That'd be a nice friend for you, Frank.

So would it be Lissa? Oh, possibly, Pierre. Lissa. I think it's L Frank. So would it be Lissa? Oh, possibly, Pierre. Lissa. I think it's Lissa. Alyssa. I think it's Lissa. Alyssa MBE. We'll never know what she got them for services to...

Mm. Faggots. Spotting. Yeah. In Surrey, of all places. It's a great name. Leatherhead, isn't it? There must be a villain called Leatherhead.

Rings a bell. Oh, thanks. Well, that's what I call you since you got that crown. Yeah. And you know those blokes that live at the seaside and only ever wear shorts? Yes. Oh, yeah.

They tend to have a leather head. Lovely tan. Are they similar? Do they belong to the same group? Are they in the same Venn diagram as the, what I call the Italian fashion designer on the beach. I guess. The leathery town men.

Yes, yes, I think so. Also, I suppose Slipknot could live in Leatherhead. Yes, yes. That would be great if they got a place together there. Just a little pied-a-terre. Is that a word? Pied-a-terre. Pied-a-terre.

Okay, thanks. Lovely sitcom potential. And Daz has got in touch. Paid tear. Is that a word? Paid tear. Paid tear. Okay, thanks. Lovely sitcom potential. And Daz has got in touch. Hi, Frank. You certainly can still buy brains, faggots, but unfortunately, like everything else we enjoyed as kids, myself up in Stafford, religiously,

we had them on Wednesday night with mash and mushy peas. They are not the same nowadays. Oh, no. Overprocessing and undoubtedly for maximum profit, sadly a disappointment. Oh, dear. Yes. I can say that. I often say that.

Yeah. I've never said that in my life. That's actually one of my top lines. I've never said that in my life. That's actually one of my chat-up lines. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I have some news for you. Have I got news for you? Is that still going? Do you like that, Frank?

Okay. What? Do you like have I got news for you? Oh, yeah. Of course. Everyone likes that, don't they? Okay. Charles Tritton, or Triton.

Right. Dear Frank, Emily and Pierre, Graham Norton is definitely wrong. I mean, this pains me to hear this, because I'm a huge GN fan. Well. Charles continues, though. The BBC have now confirmed, calm down down everyone it's alright that flying ant day

is a thing ok well you heard it here first I think unless Mr Norton offers an immediate apology to Frank I think that bird has flown oh I think he would apologise

I think he was just trying to make our protected Hollywood guests feel more at home. They are people who deal with the flying ants, I imagine, at their Beverly Hills homes. Yes, the only flying ants that they have to deal with are sort of on screen. Are us, let's face it. Yes, we are their flying ants.

Oh, yeah, I suppose that's true we really are um i would also like to share this from carol pattern as in the colonel or general in the wirral okay she has hot news regarding the inflatable man oh last week i talked to my love for the rippling giants who were those uh inflatable men who you put hot air into the bottom off and they as you say you see them outside car dealerships nowadays yeah they've been reduced to that like the once great comedy writers having to do the punchlines

for things like Blind Date. Blind Date? It hasn't been on for 42 years. That's what a bloke said to me. I did Des O'Connor.

He said, you guys, you writer performers, you've ruined it for a lot of comedy writers. So I'm going to make great writers working on Blind Date

now doing the questions. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry for being multi-talented, I said. Wow. You apologised for containing multitudes. Yeah, exactly. So Carol from The Wirral, who is a big fan,

she says, imagine my surprise when I was scrolling through a local selling site, my kind of woman, understands commercial radio, got to be careful, and stumbled upon this picture and it is a picture

of an inflatable man. The inflatable man is called, we're not getting paid by these people, we don't know them, but it is called Bongo's Bingo, Inflatable Man. Oh, see that's put me off it. Well, I'll tell you, can I tell you more about Bongo's Bingo before you judge him? Yeah, but even Inflatable Man is entitled to a certain dignity.

Is he? But Bongo's Bingo. Okay. You feel like he's lowered himself even further. I feel he has been reduced. Not by himself. I think it

sounds like modern slavery to me. Does someone walk past with a cigarette? Bongo's bingo is 30 feet

tall and he's red from head to toe. Yeah. Well he's embarrassed by the name. He looks also

to me like he might have been to the rich comedian's dentist. Oh, he's got the big white teeth. He's got the big lashes. I was thinking, continues Carol, not only would it provide a great source of amusement for people far and wide, but it could also be adapted to suit any seasonal attire. I'm thinking maybe Bongo's Bingo could have a nice white beard

and a sack of toys at Christmas, a sort of skinny Santa, or add some devil horns to Bongo's Bingo at Halloween, and hey presto, a 30-foot Halloween prop that's sure to be the envy of the neighbourhood. I don't know how much weight one of those guys would take. Yeah. I don't think they'd take one of those guys would take. Yeah. I don't think they'd take a sack. I think if you put too heavy

a beard on Bongo, his face... Well, it's Bongo now, is it? I'm going to give you permission to call him that. Please, Bongo's bingo is my father's name. Call me Bongo.

Oh, man. Of course, he comes from the Winsock family. I suppose that'd be his original. No. No, I think he's Catholic. This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio.

So, if I could just finish off the bongos bingo content. Oh, yes, yes. By, well, I might ask, how much do you think you can pick up bongos bingos for? Well, I think someone last week said 31 pounds. Although I think bongos are bigger than your average flailing man. Ah, well, I think of them as lofty. I would describe him as, he's quite an upscale fellow. Okay, what kind of height?

Salubrious, one might say. 20 feet? I think 30 feet. 30 feet? I wanted him as an anti-loneliness device in my living room. Yeah? Oh, yeah. Well, feel free to buy me him for Valentine's.

Okay. Do you want to know me him for Valentine's. Okay. Do you want to know how much bongo's being go and play to all manners? Go on. Yours for £60. Still cheap. Not bad for a 30-foot flailing man. Yeah. Oh, yeah.

Other things I like to hear. That's one of my pick-up lines. Oh, my God. Yeah, I'm surprised. They added the Golden Age, those rippling giants, and then they've sort of... Lord of the Rings?

Yeah. They added Golden Age, those rippling giants. Rippling giants. It's like a documentary about wrestling. But I tell you what You only really I do only see them mainly now

On the police procedural dramas Oh really? The Americans, yeah Frank, Sycamore Flint has also got in touch Sycamore? Flint Okay What a name

It's good It's very John Irvingving isn't it talking of police procedurals hasn't it it's a name that's been adopted rather than it does sound yes but i like it still nevertheless would you like to know um sycamore flint's question oh god yeah is there a difference between a comedian and a comic are they interchangeable or is it bad form to call a comedian a comic? Frank Skinner, what say you? I don't know. No idea.

Comic is more of an American import. They've always said I'm a comic. Americanism. Americanism. They say I'm a comic. I'm a working comic. But Frank, that's not true. You don't have any idea because you have told me in the past you prefer to be called a comic I'm a working comic but Frank that's not true you don't have any idea because you have told me

in the past you prefer to be called a comic is that still true and why did I say that yes you did I felt

you felt it was like a purer form of it no I don't if I said that I was having an aberration I think comedian implies more like sort of telling

telling jokes in the most formal way, whereas a comic is more of a sort of a stand-up, anecdotal, personal. Well, when I first started out, I had something of a vendetta launched against me by the Malcolm Hay who wrote for Time Out, was a comedy writer. And he used to, I remember when they had listings, they would say things like, always entertaining, comic, blah, blah, blah, the ever popular, blah, blah, blah, and comedian Frank Skinner.

And I always thought, you know what, you don't know it, but just putting that word comedian makes me so happy because that's all I wanted to be. So, yeah, I think I prefer comedian okay alright we know I'm just happy to be called at all nowadays

Frank we were talking about chat-up lines earlier. Yes. And sharing the top 25 or something. 565 has said they've improved, or they've attempted to improve, one of the existing chat-up lines. There was a Google one, Pierre. Do you remember what it was?

It was something like, are you Google? Oh, yes, because I've been searching for you my whole life. Which doesn't work, of course. So Kurt has said, using the Google reference, perhaps a better line would be, is your name Google? Because maybe you could help me find a way to your heart. That is an improvement, Kurt. Oh, that is better.

That's a better one. And there used to be a novelty song called Barney Google, the man with the googly eyes. Maybe that could be incorporated. That sounds like that would really get me in the mood. He's been sued into the ground, of course. Yeah. 612 is just...

He was first. 612 is simply ask the question, what do bears smell like? Yeah. Who do you think out of the three of us would be best qualified to know? What do bears smell like? I think it's, what do bears smell like? Well, I know what bears smell like.

Yeah. Because I've met him. Okay, what did he smell like? Yeah. Drink? Surprisingly fragrant. Tambourine powder? Okay.

What, no, not tambourine. What do bears smell like Pierre well the woods I imagine ok sort of musty oh no

and we had a bit of we had a bit of extra bingo lingo ringo yes Iona Fass explains that

bongo's bingo was a wild boozy bingo experience that started off in Liverpool it's a crazy mix of traditional bingo dance-offs,

rave intervals and audience participation. The Inflatable Man must be a neglected prop from that event. Oh. He's retired. That would have been in the documentary about The Inflatable Man. That would have been in writing at the end. Yes, yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you think it's a bit like when well-meaning middle-class families

get former battery hens and put them in the garden? Yeah, maybe. Get the inflatable man and let him have a nice retirement. Do people do that with battery hens? Yeah. I imagine they get agoraphobic. I like the idea of the Netflix documentary about the inflatable man. And I imagine someone sitting there,

and you know when they do the bit at the beginning which we like saying, is this on? Is the mic okay? Should I sit like this? Is he on? Is he on? Is he here?

Is he here yet? Can you put that cigarette out please immediately? How's this for a... I've come up with one more attempt at a chat-up line. Go on. Are you Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio? Because I'd like to text you about once a week. Is that good?

I worry that Pierre is... Are you my ex-partner? Because that was the MO. Oh, enough chat up lines. But good luck with yours this weekend. Extraordinary way to end the show. Thank you for listening to us. And if the good Lord spares us and the creeks don't rise,

we'll be back again this time next week. Now get out. This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio.