The Frank Skinner Show - Kennel Cough

Episode Date: July 1, 2023

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. The Radio Academy Award winning gang bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. This week, Frank has been to two very different gigs. The gang also discuss insects, Elton John and an unfortunate heron.

This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I'm with Emily Dean and Pierre Novelli. You can text the show on 8-12-15, follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at frankontheradio, email the show via frank at absoluteradio.co.uk. I thought I was clever doing it to a tune and then I made a damn fool of myself.

I know, I worried that might happen. Oh, man. I'm a little fatigued. What's happened? I went to Guns N' Roses at Hyde Park last night. Oh, kilts? What? What's going on?

Yeah, I went to that. How was Slash's hair? I'll tell you what, he's gone for sort of dart-long and curly with a hat. Oh, that's unlike him. I always get the impression that if you lifted the hat, the hair would come off as well. Is it attached? Does he buy that? Like the Scottish bonnet thing.

Buzz, my 11-year-old child, has a slash hat. Exactly of that construction. So the hair comes off with the hat. It'd be great if he raised his hat politely to a passing lady and the whole thing came off. Has Axel gone the way of Jon Bon Jovi now? It's a bit more California. He's cut it a bit shorter, hasn't he?

Well, yes, he's gone... Axe. It's shorter and also it feels like it's... You know when you get a wet beard on a fake... A stage beard gets wet and it looks like it's sliding off. It looks like it's slightly sliding backwards, even at the temples. It's not as close to his ears as you might expect.

But, you know, I tell you, he covers a lot. If he wears a Fitbit on stage, he must be fascinated to see how many steps he does. I saw a picture of him from Glastonbury and he is the spit of Steve Pemberton from the League of Gentlemen. Oh, yeah, there yes quite a bit of that about him

yeah oh he looks like I say he looks in great shape I would say he looks at his worst during his

the whistling interludes oh what are those there's a couple of songs a casual approach the Civil War song

and what is he a painter and decorator not the Civil War song and Patience. What is he, a painter and decorator? Not the Civil War song. My child is with me this morning. He's giving me a prompt. Anyway, there's a couple of songs where he whistles. I think it's Patience.

Patience is definitely one. When he whistles for a while. And he's not the best whistler. And stage whistling, it's difficult. And also, I think it's probably the least flattering of the musical performances visually is the face you adopt when whistling yeah yeah i wish he wouldn't whistle yeah i wish he'd take a small minor bird out of a a gilded cage and that whistled the opening section. But Ronnie Rinald is dead, I think.

Ronnie Rinald was a famous stage whistler whose entire career was based on whistling. What's your favourite song with whistling incorporated into a hit? I like Jealous Guy. That's a good... That works. But see, in a studio... Yeah. You know, when Axl's but see in a studio yeah

you know when Axel's doing it in the studio he doesn't have to be running around and all that but no I'd say avoid whistling

if you want to look good it'd be good to have a sort of guest whistler yeah it would who would that be well they could just change it every night

yeah you bring you bring them on who's the guest whistler tonight you never know that's why it's fun to book. Yeah. Without looking it up.

You might get asked, Frank. Yeah. Imagine if Axl Rose said, tonight, ladies and gentlemen. Yeah. Frank Skinner. Guest whistler. The whistler is.

They could. Or you could have competitions. People could enter. I don't want competition winners whistling. I don't want celebrities whistling. This is absolute radio. Never say anything negative about competition winners. This show will be just not closed down

at the end of our contracts, but closed down now by people who burst in. Competitions obviously are fantastic. Yes. I don't want them on stage with the guns and roses whistling i want to have it i'm going to do it on absolute we work out the best whistlers and then we put them forward and you you have to let your phone do three rings you have to say make me a whistler and and then you get to whistle it'd lovely. Special prize whistler's mother.

Yes. She gets the plus one seat at the gig. What about the orphan whistlers? You haven't thought about them? Oh, we'll set up a helpline. They don't whistle much. I'm an orphan. I don't know what I'm talking about.

So am I. How old are you before you get to use the orphan moniker? Well, we use it because we... Yeah, I don't think you can... You don't get any sympathy at my age for being an orphan. What if I turned up trying to check into an orphanage? I think it might be a police job rather than sympathy. Frank, Clive Silasas one of our regulars has been in touch

we've been talking about stage whistling oh yes and Clive Silas says I believe a stage whistler is called a siffler siffler

is that right how would you say it siffler oh there you go just because he's called P yeah no but he you know what he's for go Just because he's called P Yeah No but he You know what

He's brains He's the brains Of the team Ronnie Rinald Literally had Hit singles With just him Whistling

You know Popular tunes And people would go And see him And he did like 25 minutes of whistling Clive goes on to say Ronnie Corbett once did a bit

where the punchline was a record called The Best of Ronnie Renald. Only time I'd ever heard his name before. It's a great name, isn't it? Ronnie Renald. That's where people used to have a slightly French... There was a celebrity hairdresser called Mr Teasy Weezy Raymond.

I bet he was called Raymond, wasn't he? Oh, yeah. But Mr. Teasy Weezy, because that was his nickname, so that's what he did with their hair. Teasy Weezy? I'd call myself now Jouge Rinder, because I give the hair a bit of a jouge. Jouge Render.

Yeah, Jouge Render. Jouge Render. I want to tell you something that Axl Rose did on stage. When did this begin and what's it about? It's when you introduce the band individually. You don't say, and who's, what does he he the is he the uh what does he play piano yeah the keyboard so he says on keyboards he doesn't say on keyboards does he read he goes on keyboards mister yes does he read and they always do that on um what's Dove's one? C guitar. Bass.

Bass. So on bass guitar, Mr. Dove. Why? Why the formality suddenly, Axel? Yeah. Rose, do we call him Rose? We all do it though, don't we? Mr. Rose.

Introducing people and using Mr. They used to say Miss Peggy Lee. It used to be like a big thing. Yeah. It didn't make any sense to me at all. I always think they feel they're being very magnanimous when they're doing that. Yes, exactly. You know what?

It's not all about me. It's very self-conscious, isn't it? Yes. I find. It'd be an interesting way to find out a member of a band you like was an aristocrat. Oh, yeah. On drums, the Right Honourable Earl. I love him.

Lord, does he read. Oh, man. Who's the most open-hearted and fair and generous quiz master of all time? I think that would be Magnanimous Magnusson. Oh, God. It's got to call it out, God. Oh, I've got it out. It's like Lansing. So, continue.

I'm enjoying your heavy metal tales. Two things that stuck in my mind was that the first thing Axel said to the crowd was, what a lovely gathering. Grandma's birthday he's become so civilized Axel he was very nice to the crowd he's not one of those guys that says I can't hear you and all that sort of stuff how did Duff is it Duff McKagan yeah yeah he's married to an underwear model i believe is he really yes and other shocking bits of news yeah wow she had a a an entire range her own range she wasn't she just

didn't just wear the underwear of others she had a range frank okay. I think Duff was very proud of her. I hope they're still together. I hope so, too. Yeah, it's interesting. As soon as you hear the phrase underwear model rock star, you just think the world is, everything's in its right place. He's really delivered, which is what I like about him. Do you know what surprised me? And I didn't, I'm not, maybe I'm not a big enough

Guns N' Roses fan to be aware of this, but I wasn't expecting at the end of the gig, Slash, Mr. Slash, as I call him when I'm introducing him, Mr. Slash, no, he didn't do it, he didn't say Mr. Slash, he just said on guitar and then waited about three minutes while the crowd went absolutely mad at the anticipation of just saying his name. Anyway, Mr Slash did an unexpected handstand at the end,

which I didn't see coming at all. Did he take his guitar off first? Yeah, he'd taken it. So they were walking off stage and suddenly it was denim below and leather on top. It had been the other way for most of the year. The world upside down, as they used to say in the 17th century. Did his hat stay on?

Well, we had a debate about this on the way back because it didn't fall off, the hat. That's a bit suspicious. How does that work? We could all do a handstand with a perfect tube on our head providing stability. Imagine if the hat had fallen off with the hair. Oh, no.

Just being there, upside down with the hair cascaded out of it. Oh, no. Like a jellyfish on the shore. No, he was, you know, because he's quite a big guy, but it was a good handstand. Oh. All right. He wasn't, like, against a wall.

It wasn't one of those handstands. It was a problem. And I'm told that if he's particularly happy with the gig, this is what he does. Oh, so it's like a sort of signal. Yeah, it's a compliment to us all. Oh, right. So you could have a sort of nature documentary about Slash.

And when he's satisfied, he displays it. Probably a sort of nature documentary about Slash. Oh, no. Probably has a really nice documentary about Slash Oh no Ruth Jordan Yeah Has something to say Ever at our side Always there Ruth Jordan

I wish Slash had done a sort of gamble As in G-A-M-B-O-L Yes A forward slash or even a backslash oh that's good ruth you're on fire yeah now that's excellent work oh by the way this is uh um emily dean territory now i i had to take my dog for her jabs. Oh, yeah. And she's not great with the jabs. So when we get to the vet,

she starts pulling in the opposite direction, won't go in the vets, you know what I mean? I look like a rat dragging her in. And I said, what are they for? And you all know about this, but the guy said, kennel cough. And I just thought that is, I love that that's the name of a real thing. Kennel cough. Wasn't he involved in the Wagner mutiny?

Kennel cough leaving the... I've often thought about using that as an excuse if I'm off sick and I can't do some stuff, come down with Kenilcoff. Bit of Casey. Yeah, better than Casey. Makes you wonder about Casey and the Sunshine Band. And the other one was something less catchy.

I don't mean it was harder to catch. No. There's about three they have to have, yeah. Yeah, so she won up the nose and a needle in the back and the dog's distressed and I'm anxious on her behalf. And the vet said, don't worry. And he takes what I thought was toothpaste out. And it's a tube of meat paste oh yeah just gets a bit on the finger

puts it on the actual table like there's a chrome bit the dog licks it suddenly everything changes dog's quite um likes being there and uh so first, first needle, bit more meat paste. Absolutely. Did they do the trick? Oh, man. If only life could always be like that. They're such sellouts dogs. But you know what?

This is their strength, I find. Oh, man, it really meant me. It's what I love about them. And afterwards, she was like super affectionate with me. Like, oh, you took me to the meat paste guy. The guy who bafflingly gives me intermittent bits of meat paste. And you know what?

If needles is a tax, I'll happily pay for the meat paste. I'm not saying that, by the way. For meat paste, they will take pain, which is great. Which leads me to another... I went to another gig this week, but about as different from... Within the popular music framework, I'd say about as different from Guns N' Roses at Hyde Park

as it's possible to be. I will explain after this. Frank Skimmer. Absolute radio. J-Loco 9. Yeah. I'm not even going to get into what that means. Name for your tea shop.

Whoa, sweet chai of mine. Nice. That is good. Yeah. That's good. That is good. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Or if I opened a pub in the West Midlands, sweet mild of mine. No one drinks mild anymore, do they?

No. So I went to another gig this week, which was odd. And I went because my partner was desperate to go. I think I'm going to be able to guess what this is, but go on. Go on then, what was it? Is it a musician that she's fond of? No. Well, it is someone that...

It's weird. It's Abba Voyage. What? Right? Abba, do you know of this? Abba Voyage is a virtual residency that ABBA have in which they are holograms. Oh, OK.

I can't do holograms. I find it depressing. But holograms... These are not like the see-through holograms of yesteryear. You did... I mean... These aren't your grandpappy's holograms. No, no. It's not like Elvis.

It makes me very depressed, holograms. I can't bear them. But go on, what are they? Are they good? So this is, you know, you start off with a bit of an opening and there's a bit of a cartoon, you know, backdrop. Not cartoon, but animated. And then suddenly on walk ABBA circa 74, say 1974.

And it's just them. They're standing. There's a live band and it's ABBA. And I'll tell you something about, I went, this is how men go to the gig, or straight men at least. They go with their partner saying, well, I'd be interested to see the technology on this, how it works.

That was how I got there. And also she put a bit of meat paste on the steering wheel. Yeah, she's no fool. But it's pretty amazing. You know, they've built the Abba Arena, they've built the venue as well. Oh. Right next to the Olympic Park. Right.

Or the home of West Ham United. Yeah. So we went, you know, walked in, and it feels like a big, new, corporate venue place. And then ABBA come on. So it's pretty mind blowing. Is there any point where you see the hologram

from an angle that makes it look a bit not real or they flicker a bit like the Star Wars hologram? No they don't they don't do that They can't go and watch it though that would be really odd. Well what happened apparently. You don't want to sit there looking at your young self. I don't want to sit there looking at your young self.

I don't want to. On the opening night, they turned up at the end. So imagine that. I mean, one thing I got to... When I was at school, the way we identified, me and my mates identified ourselves was we was the music guys. And we were going to see, like, Black Sabbath

and Deep Purple and stuff. How times have changed. Guns N' Roses last night, Def Leppard and Motley Crue tonight. Anyway, we saw ABBA as absolutely what had gone wrong with music, but now... Did you? I don't think RKES would have liked ABBA. No, no.

We sort of hated ABBA, but when you watch ABBA now, because I'm not going mad, I just think these songs, man, they are tight constructions. They're really clever. But the other thing, that bit in the song where she says,

thank you for the music, the joy we are bringing. How can I put this? It's mainly women in the audience, lots of mums and daughters and stuff, and the pure, uncomplicated joy of these women just dancing and having the best. Women and gay men, I'd say say are the real people who love it

most yeah and but just seeing these these women like in their 70s absolutely blissed out with joy it's great i gotta respect that and also i think i have benny I went Benny. I know, we'll get into that. To thank for the whole sort of Henry VIII obsession. Oh, really? Yes, because he was my first crush. I was living in Australia and I remember hearing Abra and I thought, oh, this is the best music I've ever heard. Benny!

I said to my dad. Is he Olvius? Yes! Benny Olvius. I thought of the word and I thought, no, that's medical. Yeah. I saw a picture of him. He had a tight white waistcoat.

And I'll be honest, it was tight. Yes. It was tight. I think they were the worst dress band that ever existed. Okay. We've all had a drink. Yeah. And tight white trousers.

Yes. Yeah. And a beard. And he looked like a lovely middle-aged Swedish dad. And I said, I think I love that man. And I became obsessed. I didn't like the... I just cut out pictures of Benny.

Really? That's... Yeah. I used to do... I liked Agnetha, the blonde one, when I was younger. But now, as I watch it, I thought, oh, actually, now I like Anna Fried. Oh, you're getting into your Anna Fried years.

Yeah. It happens to us all day. I think, also, I think Agnetha gets a lot of the best songs. I could feel resentment on Anna Fried. I don't think the 1970s, they were ready for me, I'm so lucky, I am the girl with the ginger hair. There was too much prejudice. But I guess I'd like to have...

They could have given her that, of course, the virtual one. But no, we'll stop with Blondie. Not Blondie. Blondie. No, not Hitler's dog or the American pop star. Blondie. Not Blondie. Blondie. No, not Hitler's dog. Or the American pop star. Blondie. Stop that.

Controversial hologram. Yeah. What if that had just come on as a sort of an ending? Give him a bit of the old meat paste. Yeah. This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner This is Absolute Radio This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio

with Emily Dean and Pierre Novelli Text the show on 8 12 15 people have, we'll be reading some of those out Follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at Frank on the Radio Email the show via frank at absoluteradio.co.uk I was talking about my trip to Abervoyage Email the show via frank at absoluteradio.co.uk.

I was talking about my trip to ABBA Voyage. Yes, you mentioned that at the very sort of inaugural one, that the original members of ABBA themselves went and sort of watched themselves. Well, I don't know if they watched it. You know when you go to like a film premiere, no, they don't watch. They leave, don't they? They leave, don't they? They leave.

They slip out the cycle. Did they come on stage with their holograms, the originals? No, they weren't with them. Was Benny there? Yeah, he'd have been there. And the women both wore white. Oh, I see. We should say Correzione on both of our parts.

It's Benny Anderson. Oh, so the other one know, it was lovely. We should say Correzione on both of our parts. It's Benny Anderson. Oh, so the other one is... Son of Anders. It's Björn Olweus, you see. Very good. Yes. So, yeah, apparently you can't do it with the dead at this level. Necromancer chance.

I love the dead. I'm like, apparently you can't do it with the dead Exactly To my horror Yeah I've just been reading some new some law books I'm glad

I'm glad you've got up to speed Frank Some correspondence from my solicitors So now I thought this is brilliant they'll be you know you'll be able to have Elvis doing the same. But apparently the current ABBA had to go into a studio for a few days with those light suit things. Oh, with the green screen type.

Yeah, so they had to get them moving about and doing their old dance routines and all that sort of stuff. And the weird thing is, apparently Andy Serkis was not involved at any stage. I mean, you'll be on to his agent absolutely furious. He does a lot of the green screen, doesn't he? Serkis. The big question is, would I have known?

What do you mean? if I didn't know anything about Abra and someone had took me to that gig and they'd walked on stage would I have known they were holograms

yes that's a good question the hologram Turing test yeah I'm not I thought on the big because they have

like big screens at the side like they do at a proper gig so you can see them a bit more close up. I thought Agneta looked like she said to them,

can you smooth me out a bit more? Okay. And they said, well, no, you did have a little bit of bags on your eyes in 75. Just do it! And it felt a bit like that. But I might not. Just seeing them on stage, I'd have thought that was real people. I'd be afraid to meet a hologram of myself.

It would be good if they got Abbo on stage with the original holograms and you saw the holograms sort of start to go for them. Yeah, I don't think you could do it with stand-up comedians. I'll tell you what, there's a bit where I think it's Agneta, the blonde one, as she was always known, and there's a bit where i think it's agnata the blonde one she was always known and she does a a bit to the audience and she says something you know emotional and uh there wasn't there was a little you know yeah but she waits about 20 seconds and then she goes oh thank, thank you, thank you. And you think, oh, Aggie, it didn't go that well, love.

With comedy, that would be agony. So comedy, yeah. You'd do a joke that got nothing and you'd have your basking in it face on. And doing that horrible, like, trying to talk through the laugh. And that, oh, that's not going. Oh, no, it doesn't bear thinking about. So, yeah, it wouldn't work

with comedy can I ask a question a style question I will did they have the white boots they had costume changes

did they but you know what obviously they could have just gone and changed but they went off they went off and staged it

and there's a bit I don't want to spoil it off and staged it. And there's a bit, I don't want to spoil it for anyone who's come, but there's a bit where you hear from backstage, oh God, the Velcro's going, I hear all that. I've got the method stick. Yeah, exactly. It's, this outfit is a smorgasbord of materials.

Yeah. Oh, there's a lot of thought gone in. Don't worry about that. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank, Simon F. has been in touch at a recent Peter Gabriel gig. This one going out for David Baddiel. Did he jump up and down?

I saw a picture of him recently. Me and Buzz watched him on the telly doing a gig. And there's a bit when he started jumping up and down for about two minutes. Oh. I wasn't sure about it. Well, Simon goes on, he walked on and claimed to be an avatar,

but taking the opposite approach to ABBA, he said, in making his avatar 20 years older, 20 pounds heavier and bald. And I like him for that. I like Peter for saying that. They could have called the show Avatar. Maybe it's too much like Abattoir. People might have been turning up with carcasses. There's lots of people in, like, glittery outfits and stuff like that.

I tell you what i particularly favored i'm sure you're familiar it was almost like a white silk tunic tabard with a an animal on the front a snake or something are you familiar i believe bjorn used to say the reason they wore outlandish clothing he was very early on to the whole tax break um oh of course you can claim it yes and he said that he knew the more outlandish they could say well we'll never wear these again well there's one outfit that uh the blonde one agnata wore and it was like hot pants and then if you follow the line down her leg, you get bare thigh, and then there's... Oh, dear, and you did.

Then you get elasticated bottoms of flares, which then complete the trouser. Oh, like there's a sort of glitch. There's a gap in the middle. Was it a problem with the hologram? No, it was a recreation of a thing that they wore in the 70s. So it was like the middle of the trouser hadn't downloaded. The thigh bit hadn't turned up yet.

The centre will not hold. Like a little window. I have to say, I wonder if they will do it. I thought they could do it with Bon Jovi, because they're all alive, and then it could be called bon voyage oh goodness me they didn't do money money money which um oh really yeah of all the things not to do two on the nose with regards to that that's too bad so um yeah if you're thinking of if you're thinking of going because my partner

kath loved it so much i said what do you want for your birthday she said i just want to go to that again my mom and my sister and that so they're going again wow they loved it and i think it has to end in 2026 um because there's a housing project starting there and so they'll just take down the Abra Arena just pull it down. Imagine sort of going, oh, first day in my

new flat and you're haunted by the hologram of Bjorn dancing through the walls. I do, isn't it? Imagine trying to say, you are the dancing queen. All night. Maybe they could just offer them

with a slight discount and keep ABBA up and say, look, it's up to you. You'll be 20% off the asking price, but you will have the ABBA holograms. You can have Anna Freed as the janitor. You're first. But I tell you, this is what I didn't expect.

They did new stuff. They did a bit of new stuff. Did your own stuff? What did they do? But they did stuff. They brought out an album about two years ago or something. Oh, don't do that. They brought a couple of tracks.

They did a couple of tracks from that, but as they were in 1974, it's the most brain-scrambling concept. Golden Age ABBA doing new stuff. How did the new stuff go down? As ever with new stuff, people were polite. You've got, as I believe,

do you remember this, Frank? Was it Pete Waterman said to a friend of ours? She'd sent a girl in saying she wanted advice with being a pop star and she said, the thing is, I'm not like any of your bands, I do own stuff, I've got my own stuff. And he went, the thing is, love, I don't do own stuff,

I do la la la. And he did it very well, I must say. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank, I don't know if either of you boys, talking of boys, caught Glastonbury, but Daniel Skipsy has said, I was surprised when Brandon Flowers, he said, I think it was Brandon Flowers, introduced Sir Elton John as Mr. Elton John at Glastonbury. How long is it since he's been Mr.? Exactly. I mean, that's rather awkward.

And we've had more EJ correspondents. Martin Gardner, morning all, I have to ask, did Frank catch Elton's Glastonbury performance? It seems like he made an extra special effort to enunciate. Mr Trick with the harness-free adventure over the crowd. Yes, I'd like to have seen that. Yeah, well, I watched about an hour or so of Elton. He seemed to be in pretty good form. Nana's got the gold suit, Al.

Nana loves the gold suit. But I didn't do the whole thing. It's sort of like Elton rather than love him, if you know what I mean. But no, good on him, still at it. That's what I like. Obviously, anyone who's still doing it, I have... And he had, I mean, it was a long old concert. How long did he do?

I don't know, seven hours. No, absolutely not. Was it for charity? I went out. It's a sort of David Blaine. It was a big sort of money thermometer back on the stage going up with donations. No, I think he has that at all.

He has that for motivation. It'd be good if he'd done that hoop thing like Kiss, but it was a sort of star, a spangled star like his glasses. Yeah, in case anyone didn't get it. When me and my 11-year-old boy, Buzz, went to see Kiss in Birmingham, Paul Stanley, the lead singer, flies above the audience to a stage at the back

and does a couple of numbers there, but no safety harness, no supportive cable. He just puts his foot in a hoop, grabs hold of it and off he goes, fearless. Not only fearless, but regardless of all health and safety regulations. If Elton had done that, I think you'd need one of those medical helicopters to be supporting him on one of those, like a stretcher on a string thing, you see.

Oh, yeah. Mountain Rescue. I liked it when Mr. Elton John, I should say. You've got to have the pause on piano. Mr Mr Elton John, I should say. You've got to have the pause on piano. Mr Elton John. Mr Sir Elton John. When he introduced his band. Oh, yeah.

Now, they were quite a sight. They were my favourite. I didn't see that bit. Well, what he did did he gave us some info about them he said I'm really welcome my band

and in the background you know there's a sort of da da da da da da da da you know that's playing it and he would

he would give there a few biographical details as well oh I don't know if I'd trust Elton with that

I told you that in absolute confidence afterwards. And then, after a messy divorce, he finally got custody of the children. Well, he must have a grudge

against at least three of his backing band. He's been playing with them a long time. I mean, they've... Exactly. No one escapes. They were all caught. how have they lost it

they must just subservience obviously Frank we were talking about Mr Elton John earlier Reg Dwight Frank, we were talking about Mr... Elton John. Earlier. Reg Dwight. You never hear that anymore mentioned.

He's brushed that under the carpet. He has, yeah. I think he calls it a rock. Anyway. He's got that... It's a genetic condition. Some men get more hair When they get older

Sometimes he gets Blue black colour That's somewhat the vibe What I loved Is the backing The backing musicians I adored them Because it was such a break

And normally with the introductions It's always Mr Duff you know whatever it's quite a cool musos name it was names you don't hear very often on the pyramid stage can I say they never just use their surname no he said yeah no they never did that but he said

it was like Mr Nigel Olsen or something Mr Raymond Cooper oh no Raymond and Nigel was he or something. Mr. Raymond Cooper. Oh, no. Raymond and Nigel. Was he introduced in his marketing department? That's how you discover you've got an undercover FBI agent in your band.

And on drums, Agent Johnson. Hang on. But he would have revealed that in his potted biography. Yes. What was the biological, biographical information? Was it like straight out of Watford? No, there was things like, and this gentleman has been playing with me since,

and what I liked about Elton was it was like he was just sort of having lunch with someone. There was no sense of him being on stage. He went, oh, I'm forgetting. What was it? It was, no, it wasn't that. It was, I'll remember it in a minute you're on stage mate and then he said it was 1970 since 1970 me and uh and he he was quite um i mean i can't i once introduced joe wilkinson as Whitehall. I just had the J-W in my...

How did it go? Well, I said, ladies and gentlemen, Jack Whitehall, and Joe Wilkinson looked at me as he came on. You know, he's got quite sad eyes, anyway. And he's so talented. And he said, it's Joe Wilkinson. And I just felt like a monster.

But, you know, as I said, I'm old! In a really aggressive way. With these people, I'm afraid attack is the best form of defence. No, I did feel terrible about it. But, yeah, he brought on some young superstar guy who we'd seen early on I saw and he said he was super confident

the superstar guy and he came on and went wow Glastonbury and all that and I thought I don't know if you're supposed

to do that with Elton you're walking you're walking a knife edge he's just introduced he talked for too long it's really great

and then he said and Elton has been so kind to me it looks like Elton was doing a bit of paperwork I saw thatton has been so kind to me. It looks like Elton was doing a bit of paperwork onto the piano. I saw that.

Yeah, this guy is dead to me. He's just pat-testing some of the plugs. Yeah. I could see when that guy was talking, he probably talked for at least 40 seconds too long. Oh, no. Elton, man, I bet they don't speak now. I just saw the smile.

Remember the smile he did when we saw him live with Absolute, Frank? Yeah. And he did the Crocodile Rock. He was having issues with the suit, I think. I think there was some sound thing. So it was in the first couple of songs, he was like, yeah, well, can someone sort it? Can you sort it? It was all that stuff. And I thought, yeah, well, can someone sort, can you sort it? It was all

that stuff. And I thought, oh, man. And then, but to be honest, that night, it was just him and a piano, and he was brilliant. He was fantastic. He was brilliant. No band, no backing vocal, it was just him. And you sort of thought, oh, God, this is why this bloke's a big star. And

so he was furious. I think he arrives furious. Nelson Towers furious. Furious is his default position. Yes. But then the audience, including us, were so,

it was so good. Yeah, he was so good. Because he was only going to do three songs or something. He's in a tiny gig, Union Chapel, and he does a couple of songs and everyone's going so mad,

he does another one and he only did like an hour and a half. so mad he does another one in the end he did like an hour and a half. He cheered up in the end. Do you know why? Because we brought the money. Thermometer app. You know what it was?

They put a little bit of meat paste in his dressing room. Oh, that's all he needed. A bit of meat paste on the top, just on the top of the spectacles. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank, Force Majeure has been in touch. What does it mean?

Force Majeure. Act of God. Oh, it's an insurance term. It's like an insurance thing, isn't it? Oh, is it? I always love that the insurers are so confident of our piety and belief. I know, yes. They just say, act of God, and we say, oh, okay.

I mean, what if you're an atheist? Well, last night at Hyde Park when there was 60,000 people singing Knocking on Heaven's Door, I looked around and thought, you don't believe that that exists, do you? You monsters. You monsters. You monsters. That would have been a funny thing for Axl Rose to shout in between choruses. Can I tell you, the most American, I don't know if you find this, Pierre,

but if I'm ever on a gig with American comics, I've done TV things with American comics, and you can say, right, can you do like, we need about seven and a half minutes. They will do seven and a half minutes. So the Brits will do like, they'll do six or like 11, try to hit the seven. They are so professional.

Not necessarily funny, but professional. Yeah. And last night, when we got there someone said yeah they're doing three hours tonight they're coming on uh so they came on at 20 past seven and they finished the last notes of um of their last song at 20 past 10 they did an absolute to the mini three hour gig. It's amazing, isn't it? It's such an American thing. I don't know how they train themselves to do it.

I mean, I know that they're very harsh on what they call running the light in American comedy clubs. Oh, so when the light goes up, you finish. Oh, yeah.

Or you just never play there again. They've got a very sort of Prussian attitude to it. The trouble is, I'm of an age now where when the light goes off, they get off stage light. I always think, oh, I know what that was. But they're very strict at Hyde Park.

OK. The boss was on, Springsteen, and he, you know, Springsteen does ages, so he got to half ten, which is their curfew. They literally pulled the power on him. Did they? He literally went silent mid-song. Did he walk off with his tail between his blue jeans?

Well, I think he's back soon, so he must have forgiven them. This isn't New Jersey, Mr Springsteen. This is't New Jersey, Mr Springsteen. This is Hyde Park. I remember being at a theatre and they said, yeah, the curfew's at 11. And I thought, yeah, but if it's going well, I'll just keep going.

And then they said, yeah, the staff go on double time at 11. You have to cover it. I thought, tight, nice, tight. You glanced back at the big Sir Mama's head and you thought... Exactly. It started to go down suddenly. Lana Del Rey got herself in all sorts of problems on that front. Did she?

Didn't she? I think, I love this. I have to say, this was very my energy. She came on, I think she was meant to be on at ten and she came on at half ten. And there's, you know, someone in a high-vis tabard, so you've got a very strict curfew, you've got to be off by 11. And the excuse she gave when she came on stage barefoot,

which I like, was, I'm sorry, it took a lot of time to do my hair. And she brought the hairstylist on stage with her. Wow, witness. Who continued to do her hair during the gig. Respect. Did I tell you that Axl Rose fell over last night by the way? Did he have one of his falls?

He does a lot of, I would say, Axl Rose and football referees do more running backwards than anyone else on the planet. And he was doing a bit of that, and yeah, he went over. He took it well.

You know, he smiled and sort of laughed at himself for doing it. But I was a bit worried, because I saw Lou Reed at Birmingham Odeon in the 70s, and he went down twice on stage, and I don't think he was tripping. Well, he was tripping, I think, but not like that. I don't want to see a pensioner fall over, even if it is in a gig situation. Well, unless he's a very old pensioner.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Pierre Novelli. You can text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at Frank on the radio. Email the show via Frank at absoluteradio.co.uk Now, earlier

on Absolute Radio I used to drink in an Irish I used to drink in an Irish pub and whenever I walked in the landlord would go not anyone walked in. He'd go, no. That was always his opening thing.

Earlier on Absolute Radio. It was a sort of very primitive time check. Sorry. I rather, well, it's rather tantalising the way I trailed Force Majeur. Majeur?

Majeur. Majeur, lovely. Thank you so much, Pierre. Had got in touch with us via Twitter, and then I didn't finish it. It was actually left to your son to point this out to me. Can I do yet another digression there? You will, Oscar. to me can i can i do yet another digression there you will the use of the word tantalizing always makes me think of um of bullseye because one of the prizes that used to get on there

occasionally um this was a a game show from 70s 80s and itarts based. Yeah, it was a cheap kind of a show. And darts based, yeah. And when they did the prizes, he'd do a little rhyme. And there used to be a thing. I'll give you an example, Frank. Stay out the black and keep in the red. There's no room in this game for two in a bed.

Yes, and there was also if music be the food of love, talk into this radio cassette player. Oh, God. But there was one, I remember a friend of mine was particularly enamoured of this one, where he said, lock up your waters, all your spirits in this oak tantalus.

Tantalus? And a tantalus is like... What is a tantalus? It's sort of like a stock you know when people are putting the stocks it's like that but for drink

so it's a wooden sort of and it stops you from opening the bottle it restrains you could have done one of those

with my grandmother so you get a lock on it to stop people but it's called a tantalus because it tantalises you can see the alcohol but you get a lock on it to stop people drinking. But it's called a tantalus because it tantalises. You can see the alcohol

but you can't get at it. What I like is a very 70s approach to excessive drinking is don't suggest someone gets help or maybe has a therapist. Like, just put a lock on it.

Put a lock on the stocks and this pillory for... It used to be a bit much more of a thing that everyone had a decanter set. Oh, yes. Nowadays, you don't see them, do you? Do you have a decanter set, Frank Skinner?

I bought my manager a decanter for one of our anniversaries. Oh, lovely. I've been with him a long time, and I got it engraved, and the engraving was so slipshod. Was it? I remember. That'd be a good name for a Slipknot tribute act. Slipshod.

Slipshod. What about footwear made inspired by Slipknot? What would that be? Slipshod. Big spiky boots. Yeah, spiky. Okay, yeah. A pipe and slipshod.

That would sum me up, I think. Pipe and slip, not... I've lost my way there. I'll tell you what we've got to. We still haven't done force majeure. But he's making, if you say he's making a great cliffhanger. We'll be back with more force majeure after this. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

Frank, please, can we finally... Yes, Force Majeure. Yeah, Force Majeure. Heya, Frank and co. I saw recently that some of Alice Cooper's catalogue was getting deluxe vinyl reissues. I saw that. Well, Force Majeure continues,

and I hope on this occasion we'll all allow him to, thought Frank will be able to get those for Buzz. So sweet, FN. Thanks for that. Yeah. However, the School's Out album includes an actual pair of knickers, as did the original.

Why? Which seems slightly problematic as a gift for a son. But 2023 audiences in general discuss. I've seen a picture, Fosse-Major has enclosed a picture of the said garments and the album.

Are they standard knickers, or are they Alice Cooper branded knickers? I've got to be honest, they look like the sort of knickers. I don't like the idea of branded knickers. That sounds like a very sort of nice way of saying they're a bit dirty. I'll tell you what they look like. They look like the sort of knickers

I've only worn twice in my life. OK. What? They're surgical. What was during a fake tan application? OK, because you don't mind if they're spoiled. None of your business. OK.

The second occasion was indeed for a surgical procedure. Are they paper? They look quite papery to me. Funny, coincidentally, I gave my child, who's 11 year old, a rock music themed pair of pants only this morning. All right. In fact, Bozu's in there. Can you, can you, can you get your pants out? You not wearing them are you okay yeah go on can we see it wow we'll put a photo of this but they are how would you describe them emily i would describe them as absolutely sensational they are black satin auss Aussie Osborne, a young Aussie.

It's very kind to Aussie, that. Well, I've had them a while. They were given me by Aussie, in fact. Really? Yeah. Black satin boxers. They've got a lovely... That's what they should have called the band, Black Satin.

They've certainly been satin. And there's even an Aussie-branded label on the elasticated waistband, which, let's face it, we can all do without our age. Some Aussie Osborne boxer shorts. I'd wear those. From the hands of the man himself. Yeah?

Yeah, well, I tell you what happened. Can we get a picture of those up, maybe? I interviewed Aussie Osborne, and he gave me a woolly hat with an Ozzy thing on. And I was very excited. Wait, what? Yeah. He gave me a bit of Ozzy merch the first time.

Then the second time I interviewed him, I said, how come he never brought me any merch this time? And Sharon was with him and she said, OK, we'll sort it out. And then I got a massive cardboard box packed with Aussie merch, including those very pants. Oh, wow. But I'll do a photo with the pants and so you can see what we're dealing with. What we're dealing with. They're lovely against the flesh. Sorry, I hope no one takes that quote out of context.

I'll do a photo of the pants so everyone can see what we're dealing with. So what do you think then, as a representative of females, of a free pair of knickers with an Alice Cooper album? Are you okay with that? Oh, absolutely not okay with anything. It's disgusting.

Okay, fair enough. I wouldn't mind if the pants were reasonable, but why do I want a pair of surgical knickers? I don't know what the point... If it had been a Tom Jones album, it would have been a reference to the tradition of throwing pants on stage. But I don't know what

Alice was up to. Maybe he thinks it's that exciting. They look a bit like the last pair of pants I'd ever wear. Do you know what I mean? In my very favourite music magazine, which is Mojo, which I loathe to mention because it's made by the same company that own this radio show and I sound like, but it really is brilliant.

I noticed in this month that Killer, which is another one of those reissued albums, got a five star review. So it's working for Alice. Doesn't need the pants. Frank Skinner. Absolute radio. pants.

Frank Skinner. Absolute radio. Hey. As they say on German radio. We've heard from one of our female listeners I had an Alice Cooper, I think we're allowed to say this, it's a pair of pants and it's the shape

of the pants. That's not obscene in any way, is it? It begins with a letter of the alphabet. Is that alright to say? A G string. I think that's acceptable. I had an Alice Cooper G string. Don't take that out of context, please. As a present from my husband

who went to one of his gigs. It was black with just Alice's eyes staring out. Oh, yes. I like the way you say oh, yes, as if this is perfectly normal. I later threw it in the bin. Oh. Much to my husband's chagrin, as it was limited edition. Whoops.

OK. I'd throw that. I love Alice, but I don't want Alice Cooper's eyes staring out. No. OK. Yeah, Boz has got an Alice Cooper cap that I bought him at an Alice Cooper gig, which has the very fabulous logo,

Old Black Eyes is Back, which is great. That's great. Look at that. Ultra Magnus, one of our regulars, has also got in touch, saying, I love Aussie merch though I lost a bit of respect for him

after that panic on Oxford Street What was that? Is anyone familiar with the panic on Oxford Street? Perhaps Ultra Magnus? Oh, was it Aussie Osborne sort of causing a fuss at the Boxing Day sales or something? Oh, I don't remember that Fighting over

He wasn't doing an Olly Murs There was an Olly Murs Olly Murs thought there was shooting fighting over... I remember David Bowie had a panic in Detroit. There was an Olly Murs. Olly Murs thought there was shooting and texted, and then it was a mistake. I don't know what it was, people shutting doors or something. He got in, yeah. But, you know, he spoke up as a responsible citizen.

He just made a mistake. Can I ask, you know, occasionally we do what you might call natural history on this show in which we discuss the animal kingdom yes uh flying out day would be one of our central themes i've just noticed this just lately maybe this is something that many people have observed but i but it only happened to me recently. I went on a motorway journey on a hot day to Birmingham and back and it occurred to me that in my early driving days, if I did that, when I got back, the screen of my car would be covered with dead insects.

There was none on there at all. Now, is that because they put something on screens now that make insects slide off? Oh, if they turn... Or is it because they're angled to do that? Or are there less insects, or are they more evasive than they used to be? There's a lot of concern online about exactly that.

Where are the insects? So it's not just me. I mean, don't get me wrong. I hate insects in all their forms. You know, I don't like them in my sleeping bag. Do you know, I've noticed, though, I've taken a rather gentle, tolerant approach to the insect, and we seem to be getting along far better. So if a fly enters the house, this is how I deal with that.

I say, come on, darling, it's time to leave. That's nice. Darling, come on. And they do leave. I don't do that when a fly enters the house because I'm very entertained by the dog chasing them. Really, it's better than Netflix. A free toy.

I don't think she's ever caught one, but it is great. It's a very sudden movement from the dog. You think, oh, what happened? You realise a fly has just gone past. Do you think on the back of the fly is a tiny amount of meat paste? Oh, I suppose flies are meat paste. We all are. Do you know what I will say about that?

Good night. Hurry, fine. It reminded me a bit of, remember I told you when I went to the zoo and they said sometimes pigeons land in the lion den and then are instantly devoured. It's got a bit of that about it.

I thought I'd end on a slight low. Sometimes you can end in the minor chord rather than the major on these links. This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. We've heard from 813 regarding our earlier chat about introducing band members on stage

and things of that nature. On drums, mister. Yeah, exactly. 813 says, Elvis used to introduce his classically trained metropolitan opera soprano, Kathy Westmoreland.

Oh, yes. As the little girl with the high voice. Says, talk about playing it down. He'd also introduce my favourite guitar player, James Burton, immediately followed by, and on the rhythm guitar, John Wilkinson. Ouch. That's Andy Wood from Brantica. I think he was, if I remember rightly, the sweet inspiration

were the vocal group who did his backing. Oh, yeah. He used, one night he said, you know your girl says, kind of smell of onions. He's a man after my own heart. Was he onion intolerant? No, I just think he was intolerant. They were upset, apparently.

Were they? Well, yeah. Now that's on their CV forever. Exactly. You kind of smell like onions, hyphen Elvis. Five stars. Yeah. Kind of smell like...

Now, listen. Daniel and Dorset has been in touch because you referred earlier... Daniel and Dorset. You reminded us earlier of the pigeons when they would unadvisably enter sometimes. Me and my family

had a night at the zoo. Me and my family? Corey MP? David Mellor apologising for an indiscretion. Yes, well. Me and my family. My family and I

had a sleepover at London Zoo and we were told by one of the keepers, or whatever the official title is now, that sometimes pigeons land in the animal enclosures and the animals scoff them sharply. It's a beano! Exactly.

Dear Frank, Emily and Pierre, this is what Daniel and Dorset has to add to this. With reference to your conversation last week about tigers killing pigeons in the zoo, some years ago, my wife and I went to London Zoo with my parents. Let's hold it there. Let's make it a clear thing. Shall we? Why not? It's going to be grisly. There was no bears at London Zoo. I think they're at Whipsnay.

Let's keep it on this, Frank. At the time, there was an open-topped pit of Asiatic lions. Okay. I'm hooked. Let's return to Daniel in Dorset. Yes, we were on an enclosure hangar. We were. Oh, lovely were on an enclosure hangar. We were.

Oh, lovely. On the precipice of the lion's den, a novel by Beryl Bainbridge, while we were stood looking down on the lions, literally, not figuratively, a local... A savage beast. Yeah, exactly.

Dumb animals Illiterate beasts And the smell from them Anyway Oh dear A local heron Flew arrogantly low Did she know

It was local Picked up on the accent early Again Being a bit dismissive Didn't look very exotic It was local. Picked up on the accent early. Again, being a bit dismissive didn't look very exotic. No, exactly. A local heron flew arrogantly low over the pit. Don't want to do that. No, that's a bit... Dicing with death.

David Gower. David Gower. David Gower wasn't picked in an England, I think it was a friendly England test match. Not so friendly. So he went to a local aviation place and he went in a two-seater plane with this guy and they, you know that thing of buzzing the,

so they flew so low that the cricketers had to throw themselves on the floor. But he got like a three-match bad extraordinary the red baron i had no idea he had that level of internal rage in it he's a fabulous no i think it was he's like a play boy you know great hair he might have done the method knows a lot about um wine oh okay just saying i'm not quite so keen on that I once spent a wedding sitting next to David Gower

and I said I'm going to talk to you exclusively about cricket he said ok, he was fine with it and that wedding was his he was great anyway I have to go up there and do the vows yeah but what about that first four that you hit and your test debut?

Carry on. Let me return to Daniel and Dawson. So we've got the heron. The heron is flying perilously low. Arrogant, arrogant heron. Arrogant. The brother of Gil Scott. One of the lionesses immediately did, I'm afraid, what comes naturally.

OK. And leapt up to pluck it out of the air. Wow. And take it to the ground. Let's leave it there. We all know what happened. No good can come of that, as I told that local heron. Was it Jill Scott?

She's tall. I don't know. Was it Jill Scott? She's tall. I don't know. The strangest thing was that nobody else watching seemed at all taken aback by seeing nature quite so red in tooth and claw. Bit of Tennyson.

Don't get much Tennyson in our texts. Or at the zoo. No. My wife was the only... My wife. And we know he's gone bird of manning. League of Gentlemen. My wife was the only other person

who thought it noteworthy. That's Daniel and Dorset, something of a poet, currently up there in my top five readers. Your witness, Frank Skinner. I enjoyed that. Obviously, in a way,

it's a sad tale, but you can't get in the way of animals. No. Well, that's what David Attenborough alright David Attenborough David Attenborough encouraging them it's that terrible moment when it spits out the beak imagine if Attenborough saw the heron

flying arrogantly low get the camera crew he'd be punching the air with joy thank you so much for listening to us this morning. And if the good Lord spares us and the creeks don't rise, we'll be back again this time next week. Now get out. This is Frank Skinner.

This is Absolute Radio.