The Frank Skinner Show - Royal Mat

Episode Date: April 22, 2023

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. The Radio Academy Award winning gang bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. This week Frank received his MBE! The team also discuss a shower mystery, warm capes and their favourite police uniforms.

This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Pierre Novelli. You can text the show on 81215 if you'd like. Follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at Frank on the Radio or email the show via frank at absoluteradio.co.uk Morning boys. Morning. Morning.

I didn't like that. It was a bit me going out to meet the awaiting tabloid scrum after the press scandal. Morning, boys. Yeah, it was really. Yeah. Apologies.

Exactly. But still looking great at about 7am. Showing him what he's missing. Oh, yeah. Apologies. Exactly. But still looking great at about 7am. Showing him what he's missing. Oh God, of course. That's what they always do. Oh man, showing him what he's missing. One of my worst ever headlines in newspapers.

Have you seen those, Pierre? No. So it'd be a woman, if a couple have just split up, a celebrity couple, you'll get a bit... Like, Cheryl shows Ashley Cole what he's missing, so it's her in a sort of bikini top and jeans, and you think, so that's what he's missing. Not her personality or any close, intimate relationship with shared experiences.

No. Just her abdomen. Her abdomen in these specific clothes. And that sort of metastasised into the revenge bod concept. Oh, yeah. Right.

I haven't read the phrase, but I like the revenge bod. I'll bet you do. Yeah, but I don't like the thought of how much work it would take. I've never, I don't think I've ever

loved anyone enough to build a revenge bud. To crunch your way to vengeance. No. Have you got a revenge anything else? A revenge property empire is nice. Yeah, that's all right. But I don't want revenge from these people who are part of my emotional life.

That's a lovely way to look at it, Frank. I just want regret. I just want just a slight sense that life will never quite be the same again. Do you just want a slight... And maybe the nagging thought that I had their golden years. Wow. Wow.

But revenge, Bard, no. I tell you, I think you want just the slight strains of the bullseye, look what you could have won, minor key. Well, I always thought that when Harry married Meghan, he invited three exes, and that was a fabulous, let's see what you would want. It's exactly that. Oh, well, it's a tougher situation as well as one of the exes, isn't it?

Because it's a royal command. Well, I remember I had to... I don't want to miss out. My 50th birthday party, I had seven exes in the room, and with their partners. And a throwaway line. Sorry, seven? Yes.

And I like a biblical number. Seven exes for seven brothers. Exactly. Like the old Western. Well, they didn't bring them. If they'd all been going out with brothers, I would have thought something odd was going on. But I did refer to them as women who I still cared about and respected,

but the men they'd brought with them as parasites on the evening. But it was a throwaway remark. Oh, no. But then one of them banned me from ever seeing the woman again. She couldn't ever. Okay, this is on radio. I don't either. Sorry, this is, this is on radio. I don't know why I'm telling you this. I don't either. Sorry, I,

this is my therapy class, isn't it? One of them bands and they're seeing me again. What are you doing? The sort of humour that comedians can take for granted

a bit, being sort of the Ark of the Covenant being opened in the face of the general public as well. Yeah, but obviously

I was happy for them to be there. You know, as but obviously I was happy for them to be there. You know, as ever, it was nice for them to have someone to talk to. OK, you know that bit where you said, just leave it, Frank. I will, I will. Leave it at one of them banned me from ever seeing you again. Can I just give you a heads up?

Yeah. We've had a lot of correspondence in, and they all want to know about one thing. OK. Is it my poetry podcast? Um... LAUGHTER OK, I'll take that as a no!

We'll come back to that. Can I get back to you on that? Yes, well, I'll talk about my week. Oh! after this. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So look, I went to

Buckingham Palace on Thursday for my investiture and it was all right. So what shall we talk about now? for my investiture. Mm. Mm. And, um, it was, it was all right. So what should we talk about now?

Now, I, um, so it was the Princess Royal was presenting. Um. Yeah. And, uh, the Princess Royal as opposed to... No.

They put royal on the end so they know we're not just calling her a bit of a princess? I mean, there's a king royal, if you think about it. There's certainly a king royal. Yeah. There are dukes and there are royal dukes, and those are different. I know, but a princess, you don't need to bring up the royal.

It's a given. Now, I don't want to go on a limb here but did she perchance have her hair back from her face because she favors that story i love that style yes she she did have that love her well let me tell you get briefed you're in a room with people who have got it for all sorts of services too services too is the phrase of the day. Yes. Like someone had got a medal for services to swans and other water birds. Really? I wasn't even familiar with the term water bird. I didn't know that was a...

I mainly focus on the air birds, the main category. Oh, I'm looking at a picture now. Is that Kath? You've always been a glory hound for me. Kath was there, yeah. Was she in the room with a black hat? Oh, God, yeah, she was in the room. She wore a fascinator.

I'm having a look now. Yeah. I'm your manager, I think. Well, you might want to pay attention to the show. Sorry, someone's just sent this picture. They're very excited. That's how I don't come with visual aids. what do you think i am the um supply teacher it was it's a treat bring me oh hp it's a tweet from our one of our boss paul sylvester anyway so you get your briefing there's

a man in a uniform who is referred to as the controller okay Okay. That's nice. And like Thomas the Tank Engine, but slimmer. And he stands in a room and he says, right now, when you go in, because this is in a separate, when you go into that room, the Princess Royal will be standing on a mat very similar to this one. And then he gestures towards a red mat with a rectangular

red mat with a golden edge all the way around it and he said she does not step off that mat and you must not step on it and i thought all right sounds a bit edgy about, and he said, can you approach her? He said, you'll be stopped by, and then it was like the Viscount Cardinal Archbishop, Minister of the Interior will be standing there in his uniform. He'll stop you. And then when you're free, you go, he said, you approach the Princess Royal. And then when you're free, you go, you said you approach the Princess Royal.

And he said, approach her in a slow and natural walk. In other words, there are armed men in that room. Can I recommend against sprinting wildly towards her sacred mat? He looks at me and he thought, he's a bolter. That guy's a bolter. But I might have... Hands up full Usain Bolt. Can you imagine with the frock coat, the tails fucking behind you?

Full spear tackle. I'm so excited. I just race away. Oh, I've been shot. Your Majesty, I brought you my favourite knife from home for you to... Exactly. We autographed my lump hammer.

So, and he says... What was it again? Slow and... In a slow and natural manner. Do you know what I love? I love natural. I'd say there's a... Don't do jazz hands. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Don'd say there's a country... So don't walk up, don't do jazz hands. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Don't walk slowly. Hey, come on, Dan. Princess Royal, Princess Royal. No, don't do that. Frank, I'd like it if you did a Bob Fosse Chicago walk. What if he'd said, don't put Royal in inverted air commas? He hates that. We will shoot off your fingers if you do that.

Oh, man. So, and he said, yeah, he said the mat will be like this one, so we'd recognise the mat. I just thought, oh, it'll be the mat with her on it. We have scattered several decoy mats for security reasons. So it's like, it was like, I tell you what, it's like a manager's technical area. She has to stay in the mat and we don't stray into it.

I hope she doesn't come out like Arteta all the time. No, but who knew there was like an exclusive royal mat? It's the mat, like a sort of bath mat size. It's about so long and about so wide. I can't see that. It's a rectangle. Oh's a rectangle oh sorry oh yeah i forgot it was on radio it's it's a rectangle i'd say two two three foot by four foot maybe what would have happened if you'd have crossed the mat do you think oh i just may think well she to be fair she stands right at the edge of the mat with her toe virtually on the goal. I mean, I looked over my shoulder for a dartboard.

There's an element of hockey about the golden braid. Friendskin on Absolute Radio. So you've looked up. I've looked up. You're on the mat. Looking down is the key. That's the other thing you're told. He said, before you approached in a natural, non-controversial manner,

you walk towards the royal mat. And then you stop in front of the mat about a metre. And then you bow. But but he says bow from the neck not from the waist oh he said and i thought i think the danger is a man my age could bow from the waist topple and i'd be mown down before i reached reaches gravity would finish me off yes yeah you'd hit the mat with your head. Oh, God. What?

Touch the mat? Yeah. Get out of here. Even as a body. Oh, no. Never touch the mat. I'm imagining it's some sort of hovering, you know, they look like Baby Yoda in The Mandalorian.

When you all leave the room. Well, how does she get in the room if she can't leave the mat? Is she dragged in on the mat? It's like a magic carpet. Does she mat surf? So she's like this, a bit slower, a bit more at the left, and they sort of pull her in. Well, they have to pick up all the sort of stepping stone mats

that got her to that mat. Oh, yeah. And they'll quickly lift them up or she'll just go back. I bet they just bought one of those carpet squares books. Yeah. Anyway, so I finally... Because you're passing as well. You know when you go...

How was it like inside, Frank? Too gold. I've never heard of anything too gold. Really? No, it was too gold. It's the goldest place I've ever been in my life, Buckingham Palace. Is it? Everything. Is it? Everything.

Is it all about gold? The ceilings, the walls. I mean, it's dripping with gold. Is it quite dictator chic? It's quite nouveau riche, considering it's absolutely as old riche as you... The guy asked a guy about it. He said, well, we haven't...

The last furniture... He said the newest furniture in here is 1830. Oh, my God. I said, I like, I asked a guy. Well, I've got to say, I mean, one thing I should say, and of course, office is partly a comedy experience, but they could not have been nicer, the actual people who work there. And my son Buzz had a bit of a belly ache as we

call it in the west midlands and they you know they there was medics and we got him kelp i mean they were it was that element of it was brilliant but two gold for all that what a review yeah yeah my review of the palace a lot of corridors Well, we went in a few different rooms, certainly. But it was, you know, there's a lot of people, it's the best day of their lives, you know. And it was a big day for me, but let's face it, I've had a belly full of big days. But it was great, it was exciting.

So I got up to, I never mentioned the hook. I forgot to tell you about the hook. You know when you hang a picture... Peter Pan. Yeah, he... The captain was there, of course. He was getting services to eternal childhood. He never forgets to tell you about the hook.

That's all he goes on about, Pan. And Hook got the crocodile preservation services too. That's what people say. Oh, he's Pete with his hook. What do you think? Would she shake the hook? The Princess Royal. Whatever was offered. I don't know if he'd be allowed in with

the hook with the armed men. I mean, it's a strange concept to consider. You know, there are men who, you know when you get to like a pos I mean, it's a strange concept to consider. You know, there are men who... You know when you get to a posh house and there's a suit of armour in the corner? Well, there was those. Yes, I've seen American rom-coms.

Well, there was that, but there was people in them. So there was guys in proper silver helmets and breastplates just standing intermittently, like you get intermittent chairs in a hotel corridor. Household cavalry, yeah. There was people in the arm. There was people in there. Please tell me you checked your hair in the breastplates of one of them.

No, the men, they all have that stare straight ahead. You can't join into conversation. They don't walk slow and natural, do they? They don't move. Oh, they clank. But they got swords, these guys. Shut up. Some have got guns, some have got swords.

Just to keep you guessing. Yeah, exactly. Just in case you don't walk natural enough. Be careful. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So, yes, the hook. When you arrive at the palace, as soon as you walk into the room,

there is a table with a nice lady who's got all these little hooks. Are you familiar with the concept of the picture rail? You used to have them in council houses and stuff and they'd be about 18 inches from the top of the ceiling and there was these hooks that you put on them so you could hang your pictures on that hook. So it was a separate little thing.

So they put one of those on your lapel and that's your medal hook. Oh. Because Princess Fawn hasn't got time to pin them all on, and, you know, there could be blood on the mat. So hang on, you're wandering around with a hook sticking out. So everyone who's winning, by then you realise who's friends and who's winners,

because the winners have got their hooks. The hook of triumph. Yeah, exactly. Do you know what? I would have got their hook the hook of triumph yeah exactly do you know what i would have stolen a hook so people thought i was a winner i would have had to i'm sorry well if ever you go with anyone take your own hook yes so when you go into the room i say you're stopped by the um arch duke ambassador of um The Marquess of Hooks. Yeah, without portfolio. And he stops you and he has a friendly... People say things like...

One guy on the way in, there's a very nice guy at the door, military uniform, and he says... So... He said, I was just talking to one of the honorees, or whatever they call them, and he said,

they're having a party after this, 500 guests. He said, what are you doing after? And I said, we'll probably watch iCarly. We watch that most nights. He hadn't heard of iCarly, but... You shocked me.

We didn't do anything. You shock me that the rear admiral of Hawke's said that. No, this was a guy who worked at the palace regularly. I thought he'd know iCarly. It was massive, what, 15 years ago. Anyway, more of that later. So I finally got to... I did my bow from the neck.

Is your name called, does it say Mr. Frank Skinner? No, it says for services to entertainment Mr. Christopher Collins known as Frank Skinner. Known as, the artist formerly known as. You got introduced like an old lag. Yeah.

In a line-up. Exactly. Exactly. Alias Like an old lag. Yeah, so I turned... In a line-up. Exactly. A.K.A. Exactly. Alias the Bone Crusher. So she said to me, what's with the two names?

Was that her opener? That was her opener. I've always loved that woman. And I did think, well, you used to be Princess Anne. I know you're Princess Royal. Did I ask about the two names? What did you say? Oh, I explained that when you join the Actors' Union,

you can't have two people with the same... And she said, oh, it was already another one, wasn't it? I said, yeah, he was a pop singer in Burnley. What, you were saying this while you got your medal? Talking about a pop singer in Burnley. And I said, they interviewed him. They interviewed him and he said in the Daily Mirror, what do you think about having the same name as Frank Skinner?

And he said, I wish I'd got his money. She laughed, obviously something she'd heard said many times. And she asked where I got the name from and I said it was in my dad's Pobdomino team. And then she asked about that because she's sport mad. Sheila, oh, you did well to bring a sport. Well, I did.

I mean, one thing I wasn't sure was because she said, did you always want to be an entertainer? I said, well, I did want to be a cowboy early on. I said, but unlike yourself, I was never good on a horse. What did she say? There was a slight element in her face of too personal.

Keep me out of this. Yes, you're never supposed to rope them into your world. I realised I'd met a mistake. Or lasso them in. Lean onto the mat. Who does your hair? No, no. You love your shoes.

I didn't say, do you live in High Barnet? Fine. But anyway. Fine love your shoes. I didn't say, do you live in High Barnet? Fine. But anyway. Fine, come on. So anyway, she was great. Look, I really like her. She's pretty cool. Pierre's lost it over the High Barnet.

But what happened there was I, she said, well, thank you. And she shakes my hand and I says, thank you. And she says, congratulations. And then I nod and I go to walk away. And she picks up a medal. And I thought, oh, God, I haven't had any medal. So I went back. You didn't.

And she said, no, you only get one. And I'd already, I hadn't noticed. She'd already hooked me. And I thought, oh, God, you get medal at the end. Quick like a ninja. So I'd gone back. What I'd done is I'd approached the mat from the wrong angle. Oh no.

I was dicing with death there for a minute. I've seen the photo. I think there's gherkas in the background. There are gherkas. You were lucky enough to get a gherka through the neck. Oh God, if he'd run at me, I'd have shouted, I've met Joanna Lovely! I've met Joanna Lovely!

But it was too late. There's a Gurkha absolutely staring down your manager. Anyway, she was very good about it. I mean, you only get one. It was a pretty good comeback from her. And I said, sorry, I've never done this before.

Which was fair enough. But, um, yeah. So, look. He's brought it in is fair enough. But, yeah. So, look. He's brought it in. He's going to get out. I brought it in, yeah. Oh, he's only got it out. Hold it. These are the washing instructions.

I'll let you have a look at it in a minute. Oh, do you know, the way you brought that out was so, I'm going to call it slow and natural. What I like about it, on the case, it says MBE. Yes. So, you don't want to turn up at something raw and you've brought your sunglasses. Frank Skimmer.

Absolute radio. So, yeah, I whipped my medal out last thing. Can I say it's impressive? It gets a little card comes with it that explains that if you go out in evening dress, you can buy a miniature version of the medal for casual wear.

Yes, and for any sort of Sylvanian families that you feel like owning. Exactly. Do you know what, if I got one, I'd give one for Raymond. What about one for your dog? That'd be nice. Well, Action Man, he must be entitled services to the fictional military. Well, there are medals for dogs and for horses and things in war.

They had no choice. Or Donald Trump. That's what it says on the animal monument. They had no choice. Well, then why are we celebrating their cottage? Also, don't give us a rather bleak acknowledgement of what we choose to ignore. They bring up the worst thing to bring up,

is that they had no choice. I want to imagine an Alsatian thinking, you know, I would go to the cannon's mouth for my sovereign. I don't want them to think, if he pinches me again, I'll have to run across that barbed wire. That's not what I want to think. Anyway, the MBE has gone on it,

King George V and Queen Anne. Oh. Right? Queen Mary, isn't it? Queen Mary, yeah. And, sorry, guys. And I wasn't sure why. I've got some publicity. If anyone ever writes to me for a publicity signed photo, they might be shocked that I've got long hair

on it. And what I did in about 2005, my PA said, we're going to get some new photos for you to sign. How many? I said, oh, I'll get about 10,000. And I've used about 100 since then. That's embarrassing. So I'm still sending out the younger, hairier. So I reckon they had a lot done with George V, and they're still using them up. Yeah. Oh, do you think that's what it is?

And it says on it, if I can read the writing, I think it's for God and the Empire. There you go. I like the billing. And for me, in my mind, it's the Shepherd's Bush Empire, where I've played many times. But I don't think I'm going to get a miniature one for casual wear. If I'm going to wear one, it's going to be the biggie.

I don't like the small... And you know what, Frank? How can I put this? Don't wear it with casual wear. You know what I hate is an MBE and a jean. I won't tolerate that. Do you remember that 60s fashion for wearing, like medals on blazers and stuff like that?

You could maybe remember and stay on whipping out. It'd be nice to wear it on occasion. Of course, you're not allowed to keep the hook. Mm. No, which is... That's how they get you. Exactly. They sell hooks on the way out.

Yeah, exactly. Got your hooks here. Golden hooks, golden hooks silver hooks or the brass yes I might get it I might get it there's a pin on it

is there just saying just giving you the inside story anyway that was my day at the palace much fun was had by all

and I'd like to thank the medical team again for looking after the most valuable thing I have way above the medal and that is my child. This is Frank Skinner.

This is Absolute Radio. I appreciate we have been very MBE heavy this morning. I mean, why wouldn't we be? We'll give it a rest, I think. Heavy is the head that wears the MBE. Although, as Ian McNaughton says should have worn the leather crown

because that's a well done crack. Yes I never thought of the leather crown. I don't know if you'd be allowed in there with the crown. You can't walk slow and naturally with the leather crown. There was a no hat thing for the men I think unless it was a military cap. Military cap?

That's how Frankie goes to Hollywood? Well, I'd say that the police who check your car, go through your car boot and that on the way into the palace, they've got, like, baseball caps with the check around the side. That looks... They look cool, those hats. Oh, what's your favourite police uniform? Do you like that one? Do you like the casual...?

Well, I like 50s Bobby. I do like those with the armband and stuff. Do you know what mine is? It was them, wasn't it? The armband. What's yours? Yours is going to be a little more complicated, I can imagine. We'll come back to you.

That'll be one we've never heard of. Oh, it'll be something, yeah. I'll tell you what I like, Frank. Playing clothes. Bear with me. Do you? I saw this once. I'll tell you what I like, Frank. Playing clothes. Bear with me. Do you? I saw this once. I was in the Blackfriars area.

I saw a car. It stopped. And a gentleman got a light out and put it on the top of the car. Oh, I've seen that happen, yeah, when they put it on the top. And do you know, he was in, he was a playing clothes officer.

Oh, my God. It turned out that's something I have a strange energy for. Okay. Did his aspect change once you knew he was the police officer? What do you think? What I like, the idea, is if he'd have been out and if he was walking, if he'd parked his car and decided to walk that day,

does he have a blue light with a chin strap in the bag that he can just bring out and then chase people? Or at the very least on his lapel. Do they have the whistles anymore? The whistle, the 60s Barbie, 50s, 60s Barbie, I'm on about. The whistle was an absolute crucial Barbie, 50s, 60s Barbie, I'm on about. The whistle was an absolute crucial element of the kit. No, they don't use whistles anymore.

I like the Victorian, the ones that sort of have a cape. Oh, God. The Jack the Ripper ones. Yeah, great job they did. They don't have whistles like, in the same way they don't have penny for all things. No, no, but the whistle went into the 60s at at least if there's any police listening it could be um i'm still

being followed after the palace just to make absolutely sure i'm still walking naturally he said that one tried to get a second medal yeah exactly did tell him. And he only had one hook. What was he thinking? Can I be honest, when you went back to get the second, did you feel a momentary shame? You're quite good at bouncing back, aren't you? Yeah, I'm alright at making a fool of myself. It was alright. She

thought it was funny, brightened her day a bit. That's when she told her, I see why we're giving you this. Yeah, exactly. Nearly fell off the mat. But not quite. Get a poster quote from Princess Anne. Exactly. Nearly fell off my special mat, Princess Anne.

Laugh. I nearly crossed the mat. Oh, God, if you cross the goal. What's the point of crossing the goals? Like crossing the Rubicon. Oh, yeah. You can't cross the goal. Anyway, we said we weren't going to. You can you cross the goal. What's it called? Crossing the goals? Like crossing the Rubicon. Oh yeah. You can't cross the goal. You can't handle the goal.

We said we'd stop talking about it. Oh, I'll tell you what we were going to do. Pierre's favourite policeman, because I bet he's seen a few. Favourite type? Let's make that one of our great cliffhangers. We'll be back with Pierre Novelli's favourite police uniform after this break.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Anyway, very fine. You left us on a cliffhanger, Frank, do you recall? Yes, Pierre Novelli's favourite police uniform coming up. What did we have? Mine's 60s British Bobby. Mine's sort of 80s plain clothes. Okay.

It's a contest between, like I said, the cape to Victorian ones and the Isle of Man police get to wear those traditional tall sort of British Bobby helmets, but they're white. Oh, wow. And they're gloss, gloss white. They look great.

Are you kidding? I think they're the only gloss white. They look great. Are you kidding? I think they're the only people in the sort of Commonwealth It's the big days of the Raj, isn't it, that? Yeah. Oh, it's high tiffing in 45 degrees with the top button still fastened.

Yeah. Wow. They look really good, yeah. They're quite striking. I thought they were normal growing up, and looking back, I can see how... When you're in Italy and stuff, and you see those, they look... They look like admirals. Who's an admiral directing traffic?

They look cool, yeah. That's breathtaking. Anyway, enough of that. Enough about the police. You might not remember this, Pierre, but you remember last week I was talking about I completely shampooed myself because I had no soap or shower gel

and lived. I completely... You lived. That would be a great headline in a populist newspaper. I completely shampooed myself and lived. And you said to me, oh, I've got a shower story. And then it kind of got lost in the fox of war.

Yes. Well, I'm laying it on you now. Well, I don't just have a shower story, Frank. I have a shower mystery. See if you guys can guess the answer, ITV drama style. Was there just a pool of water In the middle of the room And

Do you remember Those mysteries Yes And the room is locked They always have to Specify that Exactly There's a man at each door

You can only ask him One question Alright It turned out The surgeon was a woman What was it called Lateral thinking I think they were called

Go on then Well I suppose I'm passing it on My sister Who lives with her her husband and two kids, was sort of... Some people still do. Yeah. She's a traditional person. She was brushing her teeth at night.

And you know where you're in your own home, but an aberration in the corner of your eye catches your attention? Yes. A fly or something. And she's just sort of nighttime in the bathroom. Kids are in bed brushing her teeth. And she goes, what's that? Looks over at the shower.

And in the tray of the shower is a load of hair, clumps of hair. Sort of almost like animal looking in a sort of scattered pattern, dry. And she goes, what the? And there's a moment where you think, is that a? And she sort of is obviously horrified. Well, when I left the Princess Royal, I followed a trail of wet feathers to the door. Oh, here we go.

I think it was the swan and water birds. Oh, God. From the corners of his mouth. Can I say? He'd finally been allowed to eat one. That's why he was there, royal privilege. Yes, we're going to give you a taste. I think it was a lady, actually, sexist.

He's going to be, every anecdote is going to be, well, where are you? No, I'll stop it. Come on, there's a pile of hair in the shower. Yes. And so panic ensues and she tells her husband, come look at this mysterious hair. Yeah.

And there's no explanation for it. It's all, it's all, it's just there. And it's sort of, it's, it's, obviously their first thought is, oh, it's one of our, one of our sons. Yeah, how old are the kids, if I may ask? Four and two. Oh, they're pretty young.

And crucially... Shearing. Speak for yourself. The hair is too... It's far too dark. So it's very much the sort of thing that happens in a film about a killer. Okay, let's leave that again.

Second Novelli hangover of the hour. Hangover? Cliff hangover. Sorry, I had a flashback. Oh, dear God. What's this Harry's shower mystery? Well... I wish I'd got a...

Will this work? Everybody. No, that doesn't really work. Is the answer to the mystery just that Pierre had been in it? Yes, Pierre, and he'd just malted. I had stepped in and sneezed. Was it during your malting season? No, it was just before.

OK. It was just before the first day of spring. He'd just come out of hibernation. Oh, imagine that. A day takes his shirt off and his fur lined. Come on, then. Where are we? So, she's found the hair. In case you've just tuned in,

Pierre's sister is cleaning her teeth in the evening. In the corner of her eye, she notices a pile of alien-looking black hair in the shower. I don't know what pile, yeah. Dark, dark hair. Okay, dark. But it, well, so, because...

What about for the people listening in monochrome? That's true. I'm imagining it like you used to have, there was the concept of the stick-on hairy chest when such things were desirable. Yeah, yeah. And I'm imagining it like that. A little bit.

More scattered. There's a chaotic aspect to it. Okay. Panic ensues. Obviously, my sister and her husband, excuse me, compare the hair to their own hair, just in case. Yeah. No, it's not a match.

No. They start texting pictures of it to my parents saying there's mystery hair and my parents obviously think we've seen these these crime thrillers oh god the killer's in the house or something this is some mad signal and so just obviously they think okay we have two sons you know that they're very young they're under they're under six and this is the age of tick tock yes perhaps there's a stunt yeah you know that they're very young they're under they're under six and this is the age of tiktok yes perhaps there's a stunt yeah you know you might you might shave a neanderthal yes for a 40 second thrill yeah um might be a centaur can i can i offer a little sidebar

on this i once uh stayed in a should I name I won't name the proprietor but a B&B in Southend-on-Sea. I was doing Cliff's Pavilion. They had a club underneath called the Joker Club and I was doing that. I was with a young woman and we

stayed at this B&B and the shower curtain, the inside of the shower curtain, had hair of all nations on it. There was blonde hair, there was hair from downstairs, there was short hair, grey hair, and it had gathered over a long period, I think. The way people might keep photographs of celebrities,

all this hair was still on the inside of the shower curtain. So it lingers. I suppose it got to a point where the cleaners sort of thought, out of respect, I have to leave it. This was a woman, we checked in, me and this woman. We went, we spoke to her and said, you know, we'll have breakfast, what time do you want breakfast and all that. And then we went upstairs and we

weren't lying on the bed not just sort of kissing and the door burst open the the door burst open and there was the landlady with a couple um showing them the room and she said to me who are you and i thought it's been speaking to her like less than ten minutes before. And I said, well, you've just... Who are you? What are you doing here? I said, you've just checked us in. It's very scary. Oh, my God. Anyway, we'll come back.

We've got another PA. That's not the first time someone's ever said that to me in a bedroom. Sorry. Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. So we're in the shower with Pierre No, with Pierre's sister Yeah Okay

Well no one's in the shower except the Mystery hair Oh forgive me for crossing over the golden line on the mat On the shower mat On the shower mat So that's Matt Okay So

They obviously think well we've got two young sons. Yeah. There's a potential for shenanigans here. Could it have been animal hair? Well, they did think, well, a cat's gone in? A cat and a fox? A fight? Well, a cat's gone in and given itself a little wax.

Yeah, a little shower cubicle fight, like a kind of, that's the arena between the cat and the fox. Yeah, like cage fighting. You shut the shower door the cat and the fox yeah like Cain's fighting you shut the shower door and let the lever matter I'll see you in the shower yeah exactly I don't remember that episode

of Tom and Jerry where he has a shave yes and so they think we need to check this the hair of the children is checked three times no hair missing

okay so they think well then it's a murderer the children is checked three times. No hair missing. Okay. So they think, well then it's a murderer. Because the hair seems human, they don't want to touch it. It's very unclear, so they think, right, we need to... They're starting to get a bit freaked out. This is the, they're already in

the house moment, isn't it? They're still in the house when you start checking wardrobes and onto beds. Well, this is the next phase, is my brother-in-law sort of going around the house making, isn't it? They're still in the house when you start checking wardrobes and onto beds. Well, this is the next phase is my brother-in-law sort of going around the house making sure everything's locked with a sort of hammer, you know, that he's found from the toolbox.

Yeah. Yeah. And then eventually it gets to the point where they think... I bet he wasn't walking in a relaxed natural. No. Right?

Put it this way, he wouldn't have gotten anywhere near the mat. No. No aspect of his posture. Oh, Matt. He wasn't mat-worthy. No, he wasn't. No.

Sorry, just a brief question, Frank. I'll handle this. Can he take care of himself, your brother-in-law? Oh, yes. I thought as much. Didn't you? Yes. Yes. So, he's ready to... Is he from Sudafrique?

No, he's from Cheshire. Oh, OK. Could have been a cat. Yes. Hang on. He's always smiling. And who played the Cheshire cat in the Mickeykey mouse version of

uh alice in wonderland who was it pete it wasn't it was oh god not pete pete got a red dramatic roll friend peace it's like when benny hill plays um bottom in midsummer night's dream oh pete never stopped going on about that it's's King Lee a moment. Exactly. Listen here, goof. I'm an actor. So, so everything's checked, everything's locked.

The police are considered but not called because on what grounds? Yeah. And it's decided that this will be sort of slapped on and addressed in the morning because there's still

the lingering suspicion of the children. Yes. But it's late now. Are they mischievous? They're pretty mischievous. Okay. They're pretty clever. And in the morning, in the light of day,

the elder of the two is brought into the bathroom and sort of confronted with this hair. And his hair sort of swept aside. They said, do you know anything about this? And my nephew said, yes. I said, well, what is it? He went, well, they're my shavings. And he had managed to knock a leg razor

from a safe position where it was kept, I have to emphasize. Yes. Somehow. So that he could sneak from his bed into the loo and go, well, obviously I'll shave a bit of my head. And he'd grabbed his own hair and shaved an enormous chunk out of it, which had just happened to have been covered by the way it was

when he was asleep. Oh, so he had a big gap. And I'll show you a photo in the next break, but he's got this enormous rectangular gap on his head. So he's got shavings. Yeah, he saw nothing wrong with what he'd done. He'd go, yeah, I woke up in the middle of the night, went and did some shaving and went back to bed.

Isn't this a scene, Travis Bickle says this in Taxi Driver. Did he say, are you looking at me? Yeah, yes. Oh, dear. Yeah. Yes. Oh, dear. Yeah. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So, have we heard from Alfresco Mond?

We certainly have. We've heard so many. I mean, I have to say, a lot of it is very MBE related. They cannot get enough. We're wading through congratulations. Well, that's nice. Congratulations. I like a treble four. To Frank Skinner,

many congratulations on your MBE. Re-Princess Royal. I love an email that starts that way. Any kind of re is good. I believe Queen Victoria created the title for her eldest daughter. And the late Queen Elizabeth conferred it on

Princess Anne. I vaguely remember this happening. Maybe when she was 21? That's from Julia. I love the maybe. Yes, well, I think my first time I heard the word investiture was when Prince Charles became

Prince Charles at Carnarvon castle frank that's exactly what i've always connected with what's your investiture connection pierre novelli when i hear the word investiture what do you think when what do i think when you hear it there's a song that well actually it's not a song. It's a recitation by John Wayne. And he said, when I hear the word republic, I feel the way a man feels when he watches his son shave for the first time. He was such a new man.

Not something your brother-in-law would have said, probably. No. Don't worry, forget the investiture question. Yes, what else? On a side note, Donna Milne gets in touch on Twitter and says, I was in the police in the 80s and had a whistle. Oh, whoa. We got it as far as the 80s, that whistle.

Call me. Yeah. How do you... Because I suppose the reason that all the other kit has changed is technology,

but if you need a whistle, you need a whistle. There's no more technologically advanced version. Well, I suppose you get those... When you talk to police, they've often got

those things going on. But if you want to alert the people around you, I mean, stop that man kind of thing. There's nothing above a whistle, is there? Nothing better than a whistle.

Referees still use them. Was your investiture on Thursday? It was. Well, someone's got in touch to say, morning Frank, good to meet you on Thursday. That map was bigger than three by two foot. Oh, what's this? Surfaces to mathematics did you meet anyone called

max on Thursday possibly I met a lot of people did you but I thought that was my sort of rough estimate of the mat wasn't we posted a picture of people. Did you? But I thought that was my sort of rough estimate of the mat. I think we've posted a picture of it, haven't we, of the Princess Royal in situ. We have.

On mat. Lovely black tight she's got. Oh, yeah. And Lucy Elwell says, congratulations, Frank, looking dapper.

Yeah, well, I thought I'd better dress up a bit. How did you feel in the suit in the morning you went for the full morning

obviously I did I went for that not many most people just went like Stephen Graham was there the actor

and he just went for a smart suit and looked great and of course I went for the fancy dress the tails oh you've got to go

Alfred Doolittle exactly this is the way forward I would have done that the Lord above Yes, you've got to. The tails and all that. Oh, you've got to go, Alfred Doolittle. Exactly. It's the way forward. I would have done that. The Lord above gave man an arm of iron. What if I'd gone in like that? Yeah, but it would have been the Lord of... It got to slow motion of me just,

my arms flailing, sand pecking puff. There's probably, the Princess Royal probably has a small umbrella to shield herself from splatterings if anyone's shot on their way to the mat. It's got a sort of golden edge round it, yeah. Pearl handle. Oh, man. And Andrea Waterhouse, you scrub up well, yeah. Pearl handle. Oh, man. And Andrea Waterhouse, you scrub up well, Frank. Nice. Well done

on your MBE. Very much deserved. You scrub up well. Not bad for my age. Yeah. Or I always think. What about when I ran into that man I hadn't seen for years? And I was, to be fair, I was about 32. And he said, oh, nice to see you.

So you've kept your figure. I was a 90-year-old pensioner. Oh, God. Did you show him what he was missing? What he was missing was tact. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Regarding police uniforms Martin says Hi I was a police officer

In Bristol in the mid 80s 80s again Hi Martin Yeah And if you worked In the centre of the city You were issued a cape With lion's head fastenings

Across the top Oh nice Yeah Shut up I wore it a few times On nights When it was cold Slash frosty And it was cold slash frosty,

and it was the warmest bit of kit I ever had. Now retired, but still got it. I assume he means the cape rather than joie de vivre. Yeah. Oh, no, I hope he means joie de vivre. I like the concept of him being on nights. I told you that story, didn't I? When my father was presenting a late-night art show with Joan Bakewell.

Late-night line-up. I came home one night and my Welsh great-grandfather, who was a Mayan, said, you're still on night, Mike. Well, the warmest cape I ever wore was when I went out in the... Do text in. I went out in that shower curtain from Southend B&B. Sort of ermine trims with human hair. Crowdfunded trim.

Exactly. What's the warmest cape you've ever worn? That would be a good one, wouldn't it? I've seen Batman all right in. Oh, his is thin, Gossamer's in. Oh, I have my night time. You're right, Batman. No, I went to a match last night.

My throat's still hurting. Do you know what worries me? Batman's cape has the feel that it might have just come out of the Amazon packaging. You could see the four folded. There is a lot of folds in it. There's a lot of folds,

and I don't trust a man with folds in his garment, if you know what I mean. No. It looks a bit thin. Well, it's all bought for the shadow, not for the warmth. When you outstretch it, you want to look like a bat.

There's no point. Can I be frank? Is it umbrella fabric? This is what's always concerned me. Yeah. I be frank is it umbrella fabric this is what's always concerned me yeah I don't think it has the struts

if that's what you're suggesting yes it would be terrible to watch Batman start to glide off a building and then be inverted

by a strong wind and then or jump off and have one like one of those we only get an exposed strut on an umbrella

jabbing a crook. Do you think there's nothing, I appreciate, I'm going out on a limb here, I do think the exposed umbrella, the faulty umbrella, it's impossible to remain dignified. No, if you've got an exposed strut. I'd throw it in the bin instantly. Well, I should. I often try to re-hook.

Because they've got like small hoods. That's what you did at the palace. I did. I did. They've got like small hoods on the points of the fabric. And sometimes you can get them back over the strut. Is it, Frank, do all of the superheroes... Next week's

Life Hacks. Frank, do all superheroes wear capes? No. What about Spider-Man? Spider-Man never wears a cape. Well, no, he's red one. He's missing an opportunity.

Sometimes you see Spider-Man, there's one version of the uniform when he's got a bit of web in under the armpit. What? Slightly web. It's a flight suit thing. Yeah. Would you be offended? Because I know you like him.

He's got the worst costume, hasn't he? Spider-Man? Yeah. Take that back. It's so unflattering. What? He's in the shape of his life, Spider-Man. Yeah, he looks great. I'm not knocking his physique. I'm just saying it's not an attractive garment.

I think Superman has the worst. Do you? The primary colours and his pants are on the outside and the cape is unnecessary. They've all got pants on the outside. Yeah, but now you're on about traditional Superman. Now, of course, they've all gone armoured. Spider-Man's got red boots.

They're inside the palace. They've all got this sort of neoprene. They look like modern rugby union tops. Yeah, but Spider-Man's got red boots. What are you, the Pope? Get them off! No, no. They're all wearing a technological machine now, these guys.

It used to be more linen. What about the Hulk? He was happy with a denim cut-off. Well, the Hulk has to take what's left, I'm afraid, the Hulk. What do you wear, Hulk? I wear what remains. It's a thank God lucky stars

that that's what remains. Exactly. Yeah, oh yeah, that could be terrible. I don't even want to think about the Hulk if the whole lot went. Luckily, he's got that could be terrible. I don't even want to think about the Hulk if the whole lot went. Luckily, he's got that elasticated belt. We've had this in from Shorty. They just keep on coming, Frank, these MBE-related correspondents.

Well, a country boy named Shorty and a city boy named Dan do you know that song no those aren't my people Shorty says well done another great example

of black country talent well yeah yeah what's another great example I'll take that Julie Walters Lisa Stansfield well he's not

he's Birmingham rather what about Lisa Stansfield no she's Lancashire isn't she oh okay she came with her own hook Julie Walters? Lisa Stansfield? Well, he's Birmingham rather than... What about Lisa Stansfield? No, she's Lancashire, isn't she? Oh, OK. She came with her own hook. The producer's laughing. If she turned up, you'd just hang it on the forelock, wouldn't you? Same goes for Superman.

Yeah, Superman. Is that a kiss curl she had, Frank? I think that is a kiss curl. What's the most famous kiss curl? Bill Haley, I would say, of Bill Haley and the Comets. He was quick with that, Bill Haley. Yeah, I think he's the great pioneer

of the kiss curl. Is he? Does he sit in the chair? He was great. He had like the first big rock and roll hit and then he toured Britain and all these teenage girls were excited and then he's like some fat bloke

with a kiss curl. And they went on. Yeah. Elvis cleaned up. Elvis came in at the last like the cavalry i met a man from the cavalry who was getting an award and he said uh oh well done i said well well well done you i spotted the hook yes and he said i said what do you do he said i'm in the, well, you know, I'm very admiring of what you do. I said, yeah, and I don't need a horse. That's what the talk was like at the palace.

Sort of dressing room banter. Yeah, exactly. The green room, actually, it was gold. A lot of gold. Like the room next door, and the room next door Ruth Jordan Surely all superheroes Are just dressing like that To show their exes what they're missing

I think that is true Regarding the mat and various gold fringed boundaries I never said it was fringed It was boarded It was a gold border David Ivor Price Reboundaries An ex-boss

Used to have a taped boundary On his part Of a shared desk During my short time At the company I managed to claw back At least a foot of desk By peeling and reapplying

His taped border Oh wow A friend who still works there Informs me He has no idea I think What the Princess Royal should have done is that people who she was confident with,

she should have let get a bit closer. And the ones that look slightly dodgy a bit further away, she could have had a grocery separator. Oh, yeah. You get when you're checking your grocery. Or maybe an enormous circular mat with sort of circles radiating out. Oh, yeah, like the seven circles of hell. your grocery or maybe an enormous circular mat with sort of circles radiating out oh yeah like the seven

circles of hell no not like that no not really like that maybe not like that if she thinks if she gets on with you and you're on the outer circle a little beckon

yeah she'll go trebles yeah and you can step in you would have gotten closer and closer and closer until you brought up her horse riding and then back one.

Yeah, they could say on their way in, four, and then you go to that one. And Princess Anne, as a big sports fan, if the hook was far away enough, you've got an element of sort of lawn darts. Hoopla? Hoopla, yeah. Yeah.

Try to get it on the hook from a distance. Hoopla? Hoopla, yeah. Yeah. Try to get it on the hook from a distance. Yeah, I don't want anyone experiencing diameter envy on my account because I got in a bit closer. I think you're safe there. Yeah, I think that'll be all right.

I think the system works. Stick with the map. This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. So someone's responded to... It is yet more MBE stuff. Deal with it.

Someone's responded to the photograph of you with the PR and the mat. Yeah. Oh, that was my stomach. Was it? Well done. Saying, it's a photograph of you and Prince Anne, but in the distance there are other characters.

Someone has said two adorable national treasures. Isn't that nice? I mean, I'm assuming they mean you and not your partner and your manager. No, maybe not. Who was standing immediately. In their way, both national treasures and also two beef eaters. Yes. What did you make of the beef eater well there was an there

was an option that when you were given what you could wear before the chicken you could wear you could wear the beef it was no refreshments dear i mean three and a half hours we'll leave that um but um lunchtime but um yeah it said that you could wear what are they yeoman of the guards is that what they are these guys will be beefeaters so they're actually called beefeaters I think so

so he said that was an option and I thought does that mean I could turn up in a beefeater outfit but I think you have to it has to be legitimate you've got like Mr Ben or something. What if I had showed up in the full BE? I think it has to be earned, doesn't it? No, I think you have to earn that as well.

You know what? They love a red tight. Oh, God, yes. It really is. It's quite career in publishing. I wonder how long that uniform has been like that. Pierre? These are Yeoman of the Guard. They are Yeoman of the Guard.

Yeah, B.P. does the Tower of London. You shot me down when I said Yeoman of the Guard. I'm so confident. And they have a gold sash, am I right? They have a sort of king of Moldavia sash across. I think there is a sash, isn't there? I think I was just salivaring my eyebrows in a breastplate when they went past. Can I tell you what I find about the Beefeater costume?

It's very forgiving on the neck. Yes. Oh, yeah. It props one's neck. I mean, it gives one a great jawline. I might consider the BFU to look... Yeah, I could do with a better jawline now. Oh, you don't need one.

I noticed a home video in which my throat was slightly affected by the wind. Was it? Yeah. Batman shit. Just moving a little to the left. Oh, I don. Batman shit. Just moving a little to the left. Oh, I don't like that. No, no.

Things get very mobile. And remember, a turkey neck isn't just for Christmas. What's the pity? Dev suggests that perhaps the mat is the Princess Royal's

curry rug, so no takeaway damages the carpet when she's watching the footy. Oh. Possibly. Oh, is there such a thing? I like that. That's a good idea. I've never heard of a curry rug before. I know, you used to give it to the dogs.

I went to my sister-in-law's new house, and she put a lot of... You know when you have a lot of cardboard boxes when you move into a house? Oh, yeah. She put the flattened ones beneath us on our KFC night. Did she?

Yeah, wasn't taking any risks with the Colonel's dribblings. That could be one of the duties of the earm and of the guard. That's what Elvis said as well. He didn't take risks with the Colonel's dribblings Did I tell you about our KFC night? No

It was I went round Because they've recently moved So we went round We're going to do it once a month Me and my brother-in-law And our two boys And we went

We got Well we got a You're going to do what Sorry once a month Get to eat KFC KFC We watched We ate K month? Get to eat KFC? We watched, we ate KFC and watched over 40 KFC adverts on YouTube. We saw nine different actors playing the Colonel and one vintage shot of the Colonel, the actual Colonel,

walking through a park giving children chicken. Why did you watch the videos? Well, it just seemed... Appropriate. Yeah. So when you're eating things. It was an organic evening. Do you always theme your media around whatever dish you're eating?

Not normally, but it did work well. We found ourselves... The trouble is you'd get like one campaign. What's going on? There's one campaign and you'd get like eight examples of adverts on that campaign. Like people saying, finishing a KFC and saying, oh my God, I ate the bones. And then another advert of someone saying, hey, did you eat the bones? And it was like they'd brought out a fillet.

Oh, right. And people were looking for the bones, and of course there never was bones. Oh, I can't stress enough how much I thought going in that this was initially a joke, that you watched a lot of KFC. No, no. Oh, I believe you now.

We watched over 40, and then my son said... What about when he watches those Dormio ads? My son said, then we're going to make our own KFC. And he had us playing parts. I was the colonel with white blue tack on my chin. Saying stuff like, hi, I'm the colonel.

Yeah, all that stuff. It was a hell of an evening. This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. So I'm interested in your KFC evening. Oh, yes. Pierre just dropped a piece of paper. In shock.

Your KFC evening. So you're going to do this monthly, are you? That's the plan, yeah. It was brilliant. When you say you're going to do this monthly, are you? That's the plan, yeah. It was brilliant. When you say you're going to do it monthly, eat KFC and watch the videos. Yeah, we got two litres of tango as well. Yeah.

To swill it down. It takes two litres of tango. It does. Do get my love to the 80s next time. I will. But I'll have featured in the advert. I had to come on and say, I am the Colonel and...

Did you have the black tart ribbon? No, it wasn't express prongy on us, this. And I have to say, I try our new family Feast 10-piece bucket. And then I say, oh, no, I ate it on the way. And that's the opening joke. All given to me by my son. Because we were furious because we'd only got nine pieces in our 10-piece bucket.

We were going to go back to KFC because no one counts. You've never seen anyone take that little cardboard cover off and say one, two, you know, you trust them. And then I think two days later, my nephew, who's now seven, owned up to the fact that he'd had one more piece of chicken. Wow. That's going to come back. You'll remember that story.

What if we'd gone down there and thumped the counter furiously? You'd besmirched the Colonel's honour, but only for a few days. So, Buzz also included my nephew throwing a KFC bag into the air in slow motion, and then it coming down. Oh, gosh. And then a close-up of tango being poured into a glass it's quite arty yeah gosh it's got a good sensibility extraordinary content being produced now how tightly do these themes have to sort of cohere because could you for example

uh have an evening of eating ice cream and watching The Thing? Well, that's cold. You're not set in the eye. Well, my brother... Sorry, my son has just sent me a... has just texted me with a... It's gravy, baby. KFC adverts. Is that the recent campaign? It's gravy, baby.

No, it looks vintage. Oh, does it? Have you tried the gravy? No. I haven't had a KFC for about, probably about 18 years. Well, you know, KFC is, for me, the queen of the fast foods. Or at least the princess royal. Do you know what I'm trying to agree with you?

There's something about the chip combo really works. Wow, that's bad. agree with you there's something about the chip combo really works whereas i received a the last time i ordered a mcdonald's with family and i received the burger there was a bun there was a slice of processed cheese there was no burger oh my was it the vegan? My God. Yeah, that's awful. Just the cheese. That's obviously an error, though. Was it? Yeah, come on.

Or was it vengeance? There was something odd about it. What would Ronald think if he was with us? Was it your ex working behind the... Showing me what I'm missing. That's what you're missing, meat. Play a song. Frank, I'd like to share something with you,

which was sent in by one of our listeners last week. Or readers, I should say. I do apologise. It's what we sometimes warmly refer to as the previously section on this show. David Clements has been in touch. Yes. And he calls his missive

Cream Egg Melt. Oh yes, because we talked about the fact that Subway on Good Friday were doing a Cream Egg Melt. Now what I like about David Clements is a lot, because he starts with Hello, Frank and Co. A little bit Dunkin' Donuts. There's apostrophes and punctuation all over the place.

A bit southern fried chicken. Dixie Fried is also available. Oh, yeah. Hello, Frank and Co. Your discussion of the cream egg melt brought to mind that when at my friend's house as a child,

he once offered me a smarty bap. He proceeded to cut open a flowery bread roll, fill it with smarties, and put it in the microwave. Apparently, it was a very popular snack in his household. My auntie Doreen used to give us Smarties in custard.

Really? And she would say they were more on. They would sit on the skin of the custard. And if you pushed them, I remember, with a spoon, they'd leave a lovely sort of vapour trail, coloured vapour trail. Oh, of course, yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

We've also had... Perhaps there's more scope for that chocolate being melted into food. Smarties being put into a BAP and microwaved feels like a very round-the-houses sort of Nutella substitute, doesn't it? Yeah, exactly. But you don't get the crunchy outer casing, the houses sort of Nutella substitute yeah exactly but you don't get the crunchy outer casing of course with Nutella let's never forget that you'd have to put lettuce in

I suppose eggs pioneered that idea the crunchy outer casing full credit to eggs do you remember last week we were also just about we also raised the subject over David Baddiel's wall. Oh, yes. David Baddiel contributes to the local community

by leaving stuff on his wall. He does. His front wall. Yeah, on his front wall. The one adjacent to the pavement. And he'll put out a book or, as I've said, a religious item. One man's contribution is another man's fly-tipping. You be the judge.

Well... No, can I say, what I love about David Baddiel is he really makes the effort to display the items. I've seen that wall. I pass it frequently. They're beautifully arranged. OK? I don't know if he does the arrangement. He might have a person.

He doesn't! What a wall arranger. A wall designer. David, if you're listening. I think it's a retired window dresser from River Island. He gets in. What are they? Display merchandiser. Hello, you're going to have to speak to my wall arranger.

David, if you have a wall arranger, please let us know. Christian Dawson has got in touch. In an act of very localised fly-tipping a wall arranger, please let us know. Christian Dawson has got in touch. In an act of very localised fly-tipping or wall arranging, my neighbour left a white leather armchair. Wow. I'm in already. Yeah.

And four leather-backed dining chairs in front of the house. There was a handwritten note sellotaped to one of the upturned chairs. The note was ravaged by weather, but it listed the items on display and finished, We'll swap for rabbit hutch. Wow. Now, this seems an ambitious want. The chairs have been there three weeks. I will perhaps send a picture, but there's a 4x4 parked in front currently with the boot lid lifted and the hazard lights flashing. I don't recognise this car.

I'm hoping when it's gone the furniture has too and there'll be a rabbit hutch on the pavement. I'll keep you posted. Does it look like the sort of boot that would hold a harsen ootle? Which I believe is German for rabbit hutch. Christian, please keep us posted. I need to know what's hutch he's updated it

at the end oh go on Pierre update two armchairs and a soggy note remain no hutch

what a swizz that's one thing I don't what a swizz I don't like it when people don't take the full set from outside a house

yeah do you know what I mean I just took the first two books of the trilogy and left the third. Oh, no. What kind of sitcom scenario do you think it was where someone went, well, I do need a full dining set and armchair, but I've got all these rabbit hutches. Anyway, look, the next episode of the Poetry Podcast is out on Wednesday.

Anyway, look, the next episode of the Poetry Podcast is out on Wednesday. This week, Sinead Morrissey. Fabulous Beatles-themed poetry in this week's thing. One just final thank you, Sophie Hartley, who is the Chief Nursing Officer, Medical Household, Lord Chamberlain's Office, actually emailed Kath and I the day after my investiture to see if Buzz was feeling better. I mean, they do it so well. The politeness.

Brilliant. So that was mucho apreciatum, as I believe they said in ancient Rome. So look, it's been lovely. Thanks for listening. You're looking at me like I've forgotten something. Have I forgotten something? No, I'm just getting anxious because it's a bit, you know, about the football, but anyway.

Don't worry about that. Okay. You mean the Sunderland game tomorrow. Anyway, if the good Lord spares us and the creaks don't rise, we'll be back again this time next week. Now get out. This is Frank Skinner.

This is Absolute Radio.