The Frank Skinner Show - Sans Boba

Episode Date: November 4, 2023

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. The Radio Academy Award winning gang bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. This week, Frank had an incident on the bus and found a rock and roll way to sooth Buzz during a tooth extraction. Tim Key also joins us as our guests to talk about his new poetry collection, Chapters!

This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. Welcome. Welcome to the show. This is, let's do the whole thing. Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio. Emily Dean, Pierre Navelli. Text 81215. Exit Instagram at frankontheradio. Email via frank at absoluteradio.co.uk. Guess what? We have another guest. Is that two guests in three weeks?

Yeah. I don't even like guests. How did this happen? You can't start the show by saying I don't even like guests. Well, look, sometimes guests are amazing. And sometimes guests are like, you know when you're walking and you think, am I going to stop to take this stone out of my shoe or am I going to go all the way home?

Maybe I'll work its way around to the front, a little archway under the toes and sit there for a bit. That's what guests are generally like. Although I love Tim Key, I think he's the second, no, third funniest man on the planet. And you liked Ross Noble.

Can you establish that? Yeah, I like Ross Noble as well. I'm just saying, you know, genuinely speaking, they're a pain in the foot. Yes, so guess, I want to ask your help.

I want to ask your advice and I had an incident this week. I don't know if you'll be able to help me with this, Emily, as much as I love you but I feel it might be a little out of your strata. Well, I'll leave you gentlemen to talk business. I'll give you a clue why. I was on a bus.

I was on a bus, and I don't know if this has ever happened to you too. And I don't know if it happens outside of London, but I bet it does. Suddenly, I've got me headphones, earplugs, whatever they're called multiple choice those things you put in your ears

in order to attain music or the human voice buds not buds bad for you apparently I heard anyway we'll get back to that

and you hear you know there's an announcement on the boss so I take my thing out and a sign comes up that says the boss terminates here You know there's an announcement on the bus. So I take my thing out. And a sign comes up that says, the bus terminates here.

And a guy sat next to me said, don't get off. I said, I think we have to get off. He said, don't get off. All of you, don't get off. He said... Mutiny. Yeah. He said... I like all of you he said when we uh when we slide that

travel card across the pad we enter into a contract with this company if we don't get off he has to take us to our destination and i thought this is brilliant because i don't want to get off. You know, it's raining. And it's so, why does it happen? They, to even out the service or there's something. To even out the service, as this guy said to me, because we're on our way to Hampstead, which we don't know is quite past, but you go through some less past areas.

Like every part of London, there's a mix up. And this guy said to me, but what, you can't drop us here. This is in the middle of nowhere. In other words, this is nowhere near the nice place that I live. As opposed to in central London. Yeah, exactly. It was actually about, I suppose, a mile from where he lives.

But so people started filing off. And this guy was going, no, if we stay, they have... I don't know if they do have to take us. No, of course they don't. Do they not? But what would happen? They're not an ambulance. Well, they have entered into a contract, haven't they? You say that, some of the people look like they may as well be an ambulance.

On the front of the boss it said Hampstead Heath but they you enter into a sort of agreement but then they'll they'll be able to say

well for our own reasons we can no longer do that for our own reasons that's how it goes plenty of stuff in contracts that say that this guy sounds like one of those

sovereign citizens no I was with this guy totally I really hate when the boss just stops it's an absolute outrage. It was like 11 o'clock at night. There was old people.

What did you say to the driver? Did you say, you better lawyer up? I didn't talk to the driver. Did you tell him to lawyer up? That would be pointless. People were saying, why have we stopped? He was going, I don't know. I don't know why.

Did the guy saying this have a brace of pistols across his chest? I was very, very frustrated. When they just stop it in the middle. I don't believe there's a reason like that. Is it like maximum driving time? The driver has to just stop. Well, they'd have a bit more notice of that. I think it's like the driver getting a text from an ex

and thinking, oh, not far from here, actually. Write everybody off. Also, why do they have a little bag when they get off? They often have a little suitcase. Well, I'm thinking after that experience it might be a revolver. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

Yes, if anyone can explain, I'm surprised that you've sided with the establishment, Pierre. I think it's more that this guy who says there's a contract is not correct. He's made that up. I think an old person gets on this, is standing in town, it's raining, feeling a little afraid of the world. I'm talking about me.

And a boss comes beautifully lit, it's got the name of where you live on the front of it, you get on. If he'd said to me when I got on, this is not going all the way, I thought, well, that's fair, I wouldn't have got on. But to have got on and then suddenly, out of the blue, to just drop me

in the middle of nowhere. It's outrageous. I was on a tube train. I'm sorry if you live outside of London, but let's call it a train. Suddenly there was an announcement that said, we won't be stopping at the next nine stops. What?

Yeah. Nine? Yeah. And then they just went straight to the final destination. They just sailed through? Well, you got one chance to get off, but you had to get off... A long way from home. To say the least. Yeah, when they suddenly go...

Again, this is very London-centric, but the circle line where they go, the train's going backwards now. Do they do that? It's going the other way now. This is a different very London centric, but the Circle line where they go, the train's going backwards now. Do they do that? It's going the other way now. This is a different line now. No, but I think it's... Well, what about...

I really think, I'm with the people rising up. That's what I'm saying. I'm with this guy and against Novelli. Rise up. Novelli. I'll tell you something. I'll tell you what happened. Yeah.

Look, I had my... I love... Someone's got a phone on. That could be my phone because I... Come on, culprits. Get your phones. That could be my phone because I was having a few... That's my fault. God, I have ruined this show.

I did that years ago, babe. No, you didn't. You make it. Anyway, look, I admire spontaneity, but not in timetabling. In transport. No, I don't want colourful characters when it comes to timetables.

But what happened, yeah, and this would have been your fate, Novelli, is that some people, of course, as soon as we were told to get off the bus, they couldn't wait to be obedient. So they all got off really quite quickly. Frank manages to present the reasonable as so unreasonable. I honestly, I think it's outrageous to just say, right, we're stopping now. I think it's a scandal.

I can't believe you guys are taking it so well. Just talking about it is making me seethe. My, there is a nits outbreak at my kids' school. But anyway, so I forgot what I was going to was gonna say oh yeah so they all got off i said to the guy this is not gonna work i was sitting next to him in hope that we could uh

we could start an enormous movement yeah but obviously the toilet was miles away so um they all got off very well it's so quick to be oh come on off we go and off they all got off very, well, it's so quick to be open. Oh, well, come on, off we go. And off they all went up the road. And so we sat there arguing with the, or people were arguing with the driver. I was talking to Wolfie Smith next to me about rising up. And then he suddenly looks around and goes, oh, there's another bus.

So another bus, the same number had pulled up. So the people who had left, we all got on that. So then we were back on a bus. And man, did I enjoy passing the obedient ones walking up the road in the rain. Just looking down from the window. Thinking, enjoy your walk, driver's pets. But why had they left the bus stop?

Because it was late at night. They'd probably had like half a mile, a mile. They gave up. Did they just think, well, it's London. What are the chances of there being more than one bus? Well, it was late. Do I have to say it a thousand times? Very strange behaviour to abandon.

Well, I can't believe your attitude. I'm starting to think, what do you go home by? Handsome cab. I go home the way the bus drivers tell me to. I know you do. I think we need to rise up. I agree.

People just can't stop buses. They just can't. I'm oddly on your side. I'm sort of somewhere between you two, but I'm oddly going towards your side simply because I hate the little self-important bag they take with them the little briefcase the driver takes if he's on his way to a meeting yeah i am ditch the bag i was waiting to get on a bus in a in a stop last night and the

driver went upstairs with a torch to have a look if anyone has left anything up there or stuff. I thought, just put the lights on. There's lights. Yeah, that is odd. Oh, it's really, you know, we're being told to use public transport. Instead, public transport is using us. Frank's bringing it on Absolute Radio. Frank with Jordan, yes, our regular regular has been in touch to say the they've entered into a contract

man yes sounds a bit like the this is legal tender people yes would you agree yes i have eight of those conversations whenever i get back from the edinburgh festival yes but those are good people. Yeah. We think, we've been taught by the establishment to think of them as annoying nerds.

In fact, they're freedom fighters. They're responsible for change. Without these people there is no change. Well, there's no change if it's not legal tender.

I think these people are mainly responsible for the domains of websites called things like truth.net and you.net. You.

You. I've gone straight over to these people now. Yeah, me too. I'm really with you. You're sending me, you're driving me to these people. There is barely ever a home swinging a rhino whip at rioters. There is never any fun maintaining the status quo. I went to the dentist. It was a bit of a historic moment yesterday

that our family, my child, who's 11, had his first extractions. Oh, how was it? At the dentist. So he had like three injections in the gum and two teeth out.

It was stressful. I didn't know you had teeth out. They start them young. Well, the trouble is if you're milkos, if you're milkos, if they hang around, then your real ones can't come through. If you remember for years, Elton John's milk hair hung around in a thin wispy

form and eventually he got rid of it and then his adult hair grew through oh no so it's it's a bit like that yeah so it's getting overcrowded okay in there a bit like your bus. Yeah. So what happened? So, um... Your dentist, is this the celebrity dentist? Well, my dentist is someone who was... The first gig I ever did, he was also on the bill. Do you know about this? What? Yeah, he's...

I thought you meant celebrity dentists as in... Dentists to the stars! No, he's a... No, his dentist is David Baddiel. No, he isn't. No, that would be a bit Marathon Man. It's insane. So he was a comedian?

Yeah, he still writes stuff. He wrote for... No, I know I'm alarmed as well, Pierre, when he first told me, but he is a very good dentist. He wrote for Griff Rees-Jones. Oh, wow. Anyway... And other things that don't recommend me to a dentist, particularly.

This dentist has credits out the door. I mean, I want to see some sort of degree or medical training. He was always a dentist through that period. He's always been, like, obsessed with dentistry whilst being a successful... Oh, so it was a kind of Adam Kay-type scenario. He's always been obsessed with dentistry whilst being a successful dentist. Oh, so it was a kind of Adam Kay type scenario. He had the training. He didn't talk about dentistry, though.

His act was basically glove puppets and fooling around. It was Adam Kay in reverse. Yeah. Can we just establish, have you seen paperwork? That's all I'm saying. Have you seen... To say that he's a... I haven't checked the walls.

His walls have got pictures of Ken Dodd on them and stuff. Do you think he likes dentistry because it is a sort of extension of the glove puppet idea, that you are his glove puppet? Well, I think what he likes about getting me in the chair is that he can make wisecracks and I can't do my bit of it which for me of course is an enormous frustration because i'm thinking of a great jump in line and i'm just oh sometimes i mean even if he's just checking them up he just puts a load of cotton wool in there anyway so he can do his

jokes he is very lovely but um anyway we got to the point where it was clear that two of these teeth had to come out. And then, dot, dot, dot. Sorry, my three aunties have just arrived. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So, post. My son is in the chair and he gets a bit... He's got shades on because my dentist put...

I don't know if every dentist does this. There's stuff flying about and they don't want it to fly in your eyes. We're going to find Frank saying after everything, I don't know if every dentist does this. No, you've met me on set once. No dentist does any of this. In fact, a lot of comedians do. But he's great.

He's lying in the chair. You know, he's got a shock of ginger curls. Byronic curls. And then he's got shades on. And he's got one of those little cotton wool things that looks like a cigarette hanging out of his mouth. It was like being in High to Ashbury in, like, 1971. So anyway, he starts having a bit of a i don't you know i'm he's worried he sees the implements yeah i'm worried and he starts with a small

implement and then he gets like quite a big like a monkey wrench thing out and um bozzy said do you have to use that one he said well i've got to because I've got to really pull it and I said shall I put some Kiss on yeah and he said yeah alright

so we put Kiss on he looked Kiss is his favourite band and the whole mood changed suddenly became brave

confident yeah Detroit Rock City. Do-do, do-do. Feel up tight on a Saturday night. And it was great. Changed everything. We had it on really loud.

See, a lot of dentists, they wouldn't. No. They wouldn't have that. So, and I said to him in the midst of it, look, I'll get you, you can have bubble tea after, just to keep, you know, appearance, the reward system. Yes. It's like the old dog biscuit on the end of the nose. Yeah.

So then we went to the bubble tea thing and I bought him a Metallica T-shirt as well. I was so proud of him. But anyway, we went to the bubble tea. Last time we'd gone to the bubble tea, we went to the one near to us. Because, you know, I'm a bit of a bubble tea enthusiast. You love it. Is it Korean, by the way?

Excuse my ignorance. Is it Korean? Is it? I thought you might know. It's from Hong Kong. Oh, is it Hong Kong? Okay, anyway. Oh, I don't know.

Back to Frank Skinner in the studio. I've never asked about its history. I i never clicked his history section on wikipedia i'm intrigued by its history where are these bubbles from were you wearing um the same sort of little glasses from the dentist in case you got shot in the eye again no no we just went in and um i said to the lady can we have buzz has um he has a strawberry with a passion fruit bobber and um i like the way he's a bobber yeah you know the bobber i've called them spice dumplings for years but apparently their actual name is the bobber i asked for it without those ones i went to bubble tea i said excuse me but i don't like balls. No bubbles. I don't like, I've got texture issues.

And I said, excuse me, can I have it without the balls? Oh, no. And he went, what? And I said, I don't like the balls. I like it, but I don't want the balls. He went, there's Bubble Tea. This is all it's for. I want, he wouldn't let me go ball-less.

No, well, that's crazy. Okay. I mean, what are you thinking of? Songs, Baba? Not I. Anyway, there was a basic fundamental problem which I find sometimes with people who are operating in shops and baristas and stuff.

I'll tell you in a minute. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Operating in shops and baristas and stuff. I'll tell you in a minute. I've got to say, while I was at the dentist, Baz, my son, my dentist, Simon, hadn't heard that track yet. So he put it on. And there is a thing. He's a bit younger than me, Simon, but not much. There's a bit of a thing when John Lennon's voice comes in. If you look into the eyes of people of a certain age around,

we both teared up a bit. And I said to him, it's John. You forget we didn't actually use their surnames. So, yeah, I really like it. It's good. Frank, you've had a great review from your gig last night. Just thought I'd pass that. Oh, go on, chuck it in.

I don't mind praise for the gig. It's just praise for this show while I'm on the show. Richard was... He was second row. Oh, yeah. He just said it was fantastic. And there's a lot of chat about Mandyy patinkin is coming on today yeah let's not go into that it's part of the set okay trade secrets yeah exactly well we've had a few

so oh actually i know i did talk about this last night on stage i was in um i was on about the bubble tea thing occasionally i get one of these people surfing me who talks like this yes the super quiet people yes yes yes and there's ambient music in there as well

and I said I was asking someone about the tea I knew what Boz was going to have but I was I was asking

about the flavours and she said I said I can't I heard I heard Bobber Bobber and I about the flavours. And she said, I said, I can't, I heard Bobber. Bobber. And I leaned in and she said,

no, I was saying the word. And I leaned in a bit and there's only so far that a grey-haired male celebrity is prepared to lean in in that situation with a female assistant before you start thinking, this is my career

on the line. What you need is a big ear trumpet. Yeah, I need to get one of those. To keep your face away from the quiet people. I felt my phone went in my pocket and I thought I've leaned in so far to this woman she's Bluetoothed me the Wi-Fi

password. So it really, oh man. Ironically, the people who are the receptionists that my dentist are like that and I can't hear any of the things that they say. Well, I've adopted the what is the matter kind of tone. So if they say blah, blah, blah, I go, what? Yeah.

What? I think you have to go to retired colonel. You have to go, this, blah, I go, what? Yeah. What? I think you have to go to a retired colonel. You have to go, this is your fault. It's not my fault. What? Paul the Baggy

from Solihull has got in touch. Morning All, did I hear correctly Frank say the dentist has pictures of Ken Dodd on the wall? That's right.

Were these after pictures? That would be good. Like going to see a doctor with beautifully framed malpractice court judgments hanging proudly on the wall. It's an odd choice for a dentist. Simon... Don't do this.

Simon took a mould of all his comedian customers because he wanted to make a teeth sculpture of comedians teeth and the jewel in the crown was to be in the crown that would be a good dentist I'd call my dentist jewel in the crown

yes was to be Ken Dodd's teeth but Ken wouldn't agree that's because he wanted to see some documentation. He got fucked together. I hate those people. Pedants.

This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. You know I'm getting the fear. I was about to read this email. Full disclosure, I got the fear when I was about to read it. Do you know why? getting the fear i was about to read this email full disclosure i got the fear when i was about to read it do you know why a few shows ago yes regular readers might recall i read an email out twice oh yes do you remember that and do you know i've woken up in the middle of the

night probably four times since that moment in a white fear sweating oh. Oh, no. And now I'm getting the fear every time I see an email. Well, I don't think we've read any yet, have we? Preemptive déjà vu. Just me talking. Will you promise to stop me? Pierre did stop you, but I think we both thought... You let me go on for a long time. Well, because sometimes...

We weren't sure. We thought it was a coincidence, someone who had a very similar turn of phrase. Honestly, I would have stopped you. I thought, well, it can't be the same one. She's Emily. She's a pro. Wouldn't happen.

It's a sign of great faith, in a way. Exactly. I can never move on from it. 813, I'm feeling stiff with stress, so I need you to come in. You're making it so tempting to go... Yeah, exactly. I don't know. Okay, it starts need you to come in. You're making it so tempting to go out of the zone. Okay, it starts, Frank.

Okay? Yeah, yeah. It rings a bell. I don't think Emily will join your mutiny on the buses. Very good. It's good, there was a boss called, what's that film called, Mutiny on the Buses? I know, but have we read this? No. No. Okay, great. Frank,

I don't think Emily will join your mutiny on the buses, given that about a decade ago, she was bold enough to ask a bus driver if he'd drop her off at home, because she couldn't be bothered walking. And the driver obliged. This is absolutely true, by the way. Fantastic.

Confidence. You can't turn your back on a gesture like that. I always think of the 12 paraffin heaters in Oldbury Woolworths when I was a child. Three men in overalls walked into Oldbury Woolworths and in two or three journeys, they loaded 12 paraffin heaters onto their van and drove off. And they were thieves, but they were thieves with such immense confidence that not even the staff questioned them they all just went yeah they thought well obviously three blocks in overalls not going to come in and take the

paraffin heaters in broad daylight illegally yes so it's a bit like that pierre however has some explaining to do. This is from Andy Wood, one of our regulars in, as you know, West Yorkshire, Bronte country. What do I have to explain? I have to explain the concept of loyalty to this man. Take it up with Andy Wood. What's he got to explain?

Well, I presume that he had a slightly different response to the bus incident. Well, there you go. Yeah, quite right. I'm with Andy Wood on this. Thanks for the tip. Is this what they call peer pressure? Oh.

Oh. I'd watch that show. Yeah? You said that could be your thing. Last time Tim Keane was in, I suggested that he did, like, a show, like a big long show with all his best stuff in called TK Maxx. Has he done it yet? Yeah, he was sniffy about it.

Well, his middle name is D. I think there's a D in there somewhere. So TDK, he didn't make enough of that in the 80s. No, he's got titles just going to waste. Through the Keyhole? Could be a sort of colonoscopy-themed show. All his books combined into one of those box sets that you get in The Works.

You know, those ones that are in, like, a sleeve. Big cellophane. That could be called Bunch of Keys. Oh, come on. Anyway, we should probably... Well, we won't suggest them to him because he'll just be... He won't like it. But Pierre Pressure...

He hates suggestions. Pierre Pressure, I would really... I'd watch that. Could that be I host a show where I gradually up the amount of money that I offer to contestants to do something horrible? Well, you could... I keep saying to them, I think you were cool if you did it. I think you released...

I think you were really cool. And there's got to be an element of wild, dangerous animals being released on people. Well, you could do a chat show in a decompression chamber called P.A. Pressure. And in the end, The Last Remainer.

Do you remember that other TV show? The Last Remainer? Do you remember that other TV show in a decompression chamber, Cheggers Goes Pop? Remember that? Thank God's sake. God bless his soul.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Can I ask you a general life question? Sure. How are you on re-reading books? Oh, I do it quite frequently. See, I used to think it was a... Because there's so many books, so little time, it was insane to re-read a book.

I don't do it much at all. I've lapsed into it. Have you? Yeah. It takes all the risk. Well, it doesn't take all the risk out of it. I think you should take laps out of that. That's got negative connotations.

There's nothing wrong with rereading. What broke you, Frank? What broke me was I read a couple of, well, I read 20, 30, 40 pages of a couple of rubbish books. And I thought, you know, what I need to do is to. Oh, also, I was in the Oxfam bookshop. I'm told that Oxfam were now the biggest booksellers in Britain. Oh, right.

Yeah. And I saw... 80% of them are James Patterson novels. There's a lot of Grisham. Yeah. I would say. Be good to know what their biggest... Da Vinci codes.

Yeah, yeah. Didn't somebody do a work of art I would say. It'd be good to know what their biggest Da Vinci codes will be. Didn't somebody do a work of art based on pulping thousands of Da Vinci codes that he got from charity shops? Oh, really? Yeah. That's a good idea. And then he made it into a new book.

He pulped them into a new book. Yeah. Anyway. Cool. So I was in there and I saw an abridged penguin. I didn't see an abridged penguin. It wasn't roadkill. An abridged penguin, Life of Samuel Johnson by James Boswell.

Now, I've read the full length one of those, but that actual edition with the same cover and everything, I bought when I was a student and it was absolute a life changer. It just changed. It really was a proper life changer. So when I saw the same edition, I had my heart rose up and I thought, I'm going to read that again and just see and it's still brilliant you know sometimes when I saw Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid five years later

it's a film I told everyone was brilliant and turned out I was wrong yeah I think that you should approach it in the same way that you would a film I think factual is easier to reread. Yeah? Because you're sort of almost relearning.

Because you know what happens anyway. But you maybe. Well, I don't know. I think if I'm going to reread a book that's fiction with a story, it better be one hell of a story to warrant that level of going over again. Oh, don't you worry. There are some stories out there. Yeah, I've read Tinker Tailor.

But you know Heraclitus said that you can't step into the same river twice no he told me that as well yeah because he says you're a different person and the river has moved on and i'm a different person since i first read that book yeah and so the book becomes a different book you could argue that what about that i bought frank a book last week did you did it we had a lovely, it was really nice that Frank wasn't it? We had a little walk. We had a little walk and I when we were in the book section

Frank always goes straight to poetry. Straight to poetry. And Frank said we need to pay for these. Where's the man? And what I liked is a character, he looked lovely very bookish. He said I'm the man. Yeah he did. He identified himself. he said, I'm the man. Yeah, he did. Yeah, identified himself.

Yeah, he recognised himself as the man. And she bought me a book. Yeah. Two quid. Oh, yeah? But what was it? Oh, it was a small WB Yeats collection. Oh, very nice. Terrible Beauty is born.

And I've got a bit of Coleridge for myself. Thank you. So, yeah, I'd love to know what the life... This is a rubbish thing if I ask people what their life-changing book is. Is that a bit Radio 4? No. Radio Bore.

Is that what it is? Oh, God. Is that what it is, Radio Bore? May I just quickly interject? Oh, we have to go. The producers are giving me one of those looks. Oh, I know. Okay?

I know. Yeah. We're getting the Tim Key questions in already. Okay. Just FYI. Well, that's not... That's why it leacoms. Well, I am.

I'm just giving you a heads up. Yeah. We've heard from John Hopkins. Hopkins. And on the subject of odd photos in waiting rooms. Oh, yeah. He says, In the 80s, my mum used to inexplicably take me

to have my hair cut at a garage. And the only photos that adorned their walls were Alan Sunderland, Leo Sayer and comedian Lenny Bennett. Who all had curly perms. He says three horrendous perm wearers. The perm garage. I have to say, if I was taking a child into a garage in that period, I'd be glad if that was the only pictures on the walls.

I used to have my hair cut at a garage. It wasn't the curls I'd be most worried about, let's put it that way. I used to have my hair cut at a barber's in a garage, like near, next to me. Really? Like a forecourt. Yeah.

Is that a thing? Like a forecourt? I don't like the sound of things. No, I don't. I'm not familiar with that. It was almost like part of the buildings around the forecourt. My dentist has got a Cooper section. He makes barrels.

No. This guy's got a lot of hobbies, Frank. He's got a Cooper section, which is like a bookcase, and it's got a picture of Alice Cooper on it, Daisy May Cooper's book is on it. There's a Tommy Cooper model. Troy, this isn't your dentist again. Is there any pies this man doesn't have his fingers immersed in?

Well, he's got them in the Cooper pie. Frank, Mark has been in touch. My dear Frankenteam. Oh, I like my dear. I like this. Yes, my dear. It's a oh i like my dear i like this yes it's a bit oscar wilde and bosie an early warning to us all okay my family and i enjoyed a villa holiday in andalusia about six years ago he lost me at villa last year we revisited the same holiday destination. Yeah. In my downtime from family holiday stuff, I enjoyed reading an exciting John le Carré spy thriller,

after which my wife asked whether it was worth reading. I replied that it was indeed a good read, but somewhat derivative. I flipped to the front page to see my name inscribed there with the date six years earlier. Oh, wow. All the best, Mark. Wow. So if you, I mean, they're all about the endings, aren't they, those books?

He'd forgotten he'd left the same copy in the holiday home. Oh, my Lord. No, but that book I was on about, I went around quoting from that book. I still do it now. and a mate i read it then i gave it to my mate to read ralph the ripper and um we just quoted from it all the time it really was let that go yes um can you deal with this the mate when you say ripper? Well, he fell in love with a woman and he carved his he carved her name on his

forearm. Oh. With a small pointy metal thing. A device. A device, yeah. A forearm carving device. A forearm carving device. Ralph the Self Ripper. Yeah, he only ripped the ear.

He was a nice, kind, gentle man, but he fell big when he fell in love. That, if anything, was going to make you change your mind about a man. No, she was furious because he'd gone to her Allsworth residence room, drunk, and there's a thing saying

leave a note on the door. Remember those white message boards people used to wear? So he left it with like a pen knife carved into the thing and she was absolutely furious and I said apparently she's furious that you did that.

That was a mad thing to do. He said I was drunk. I said it's still a mad thing to do and he said what about this? Rolled his sleeve up and there was her name carved into his arm. Did they end up together? Of course not. Okay. You've described him the way that people in mafias describe.

As you can see, my associate here from his car forearm is a passionate man for love. He was a really lovely, lovely man, I must say. You know, we all, even Homer nods. I don't know if you watch The Simpsons. Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio.

Pierre just asked me what was, what drew me in about the life of Samuel Johnson, Penguin abridged version. Just pick it up and pick any page and read about a page and you'll find out. It's very funny for a start off. There's a bit where Samuel Johnson's this old guy who's a famous writer and stuff

and Boswell's this young ambitious Scotsman who befriends him partly so he can write his biography, I think partly because he's in awe of him and they go on a boat on the Serpentine on a Sunday morning and Boswell takes Johnson on there, because Johnson

is a famously sort of scary difficult bloke and there's a student tradition on the Serpentine we did do a Boswell John yeah, now you come to mention it And there's a student tradition on the serpentine. Oh, you and Denise. Yeah. We did do a Boswell, John. Yeah, now you come to mention it. But the tradition was that students would take boats out on the serpentine and abuse each other.

They would shout insults at each other as they went past. That was just something that happened. But Boswell didn't tell Johnson. So they went past. That was just something that happened. But Boswell didn't tell Johnson. So they went on and a bloke called him something like a fat hog. And he said, and the doctor sat completely calmly, didn't respond to this, I couldn't understand. He said, and then another person said something like, you are the ugliest man I've ever seen.

Very basic things. Johnson still said nothing. And it became clear that Johnson was working out what was going on. When they got to the next boat, Johnson said to the guy on it, your mother, under the pretense of keeping a bawdy house, is a receiver of stolen goods. It's like a whole new level of insults that he went on to. It's full of stuff like that.

Brilliant. Anyway, that's me advertising a book from the 18th century. Wistful. You did a collab with him. Like Review we used to call it, remember? That would be a fun hashtag ad on Instagram. Hi guys, I'm here with Samuel Johnson.

Hey guys, shout out. Pay partnership with Samuel Johnson. Pay partnership with the estate of Samuel Johnson. My goodness Have we heard from our beloved readers? We have We have this

regarding Waterstones Not paying us This isn't a hashtag paid collab Well it might be slagging them off so let's see Oh yeah I was in Waterstones trying to read complete poetry books as I always do I'd say my problem in Waterstones trying to read complete poetry books, as I always do. I'd say my problem with Waterstones is staff pics.

Why? Why don't you like staff pics? Do you resent the staff pics? The staff pics. Hang on. What about this one? I read this one and it said, Melanie, this book took me on a flight of fancy. I thought you were in retail, Melanie.

Stick to the facts. Oh, my God, Frank, that's so rude. And then I found out that they're not... I was told, this could be wrong. Don't tell me they're not real. No, they're not real. No. Cynical staff pics.

What about when I published my first book, they said it's going to be in... Should I name the shop? Yeah. W.H. Smith Top Ten. I said, how do you know? They said, we've paid for it to be in there. Lies upon lies.

It's a corrupt game. A library of lies. Of course, they could have been lying to me. I'm not saying it's definitely true. Can you hear me winking? Boing, boing. So, yeah, I know. I'm shocked by the staff picks. I'm not saying it's definitely true. Can you hear me winking? Boing, boing. So yeah, I know. I'm shocked by the start.

Well, I haven't been shocked since the 80s. I think it sounds lucky that you've still got that in you. Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. We've heard from Alex regarding, it's a bit of a previously. Oh, yeah.

Dear Frank, Emily and Pierre, a returning listener, second time correspondent after a 10 year listening interregnum. Wow. I know. What happened? I imagine not having a radio for 10 years. I don't think it means they didn't have a radio. I think that's exactly what it means. Okay.

It was like returning home to hear old favourites such as Come Aroy Cropper, Do You Know Samuel Peep's Live, you say, and many more. Yeah. You may remember some 12 years ago I wrote to the show regarding unexpected items for a goth to purchase. Chief among them was black pudding. I do actually remember this. It's fair, yeah.

Having listened back through recent podcasts, I'd like to make an entry into previously, whilst at a performance of Titus Andronicus in Stratford-upon-Avon, of all places, an older gentleman began loudly opening and eating lemon sherberts. My annoyance turned to laughter in the interval when another man with the most restrained British politeness

asked the elderly man if he might pre-open some sweets in advance of the second half. I love that. Oh, I know you're not supposed to say this anymore, but I do love the English. I bet he went excuse me might you pre-open some of your lemon sherbet I'm surprised he didn't go so far

as to offer to pre-open some I want to know the response down there, did he pre-open we need to know I couldn't stop thinking about that moment until the final sons in pies scene snapped me out of it. That would do it.

In fact, that is a reference to... Do you remember we talked about Theatre of Blood the other week? I do indeed. And Robert Morley was a critic and he had his dogs, he had his lovely pet dogs. His poodles. And they were killed and put in pies because the... Was it a Titus Andronicus reference?

Yeah. I think it might have been. Yeah, so it was all the deaths. This actor kills all the critics who have slagged him off and he kills them all in a Shakespearean fashion. We had actually a previous... He's given me some ideas.

Yes. Mark emailed in saying the Vincent Price film was called The Abominable Dr. Pheebs. No. Or Pheebs. No. Or Pheebs. Phibes. Phibes.

There is a film called Abominable Dr. Phibes, but Theatre of Blood, I'm... He's wrong about it. ...pretty confident is an actor taking theatrical revenge on... It is. But it gave Mark's family a little meme, he says. Robert Morley being fed his own poodles in a pie brackets lots of white bechamel and pink poodle that's the actual blood that says in my family

if any meat pie or any meat looked somewhat suspect or underdone we would always say ooh poodle pie oh that's a nice little reference but you know the memory plays tricks I'm 99.99 that it was the ethyl blood I don't want to defibes

his family. Might be a Mandela effect, we never know. John Watt has got in touch. Mandela was definitely not in Theatre of Blood. Hello, Frank, on the radio. Can I tell you something interesting about Theatre of Blood? I saw the stage version of Theatre of Blood years later, and in the original Theatre of Blood,

the assistant of Vincent Price was Diana Rigg. Yes, that's her. And in the stage version, it was Rachel Sterling, her daughter. Oh! Sorry, carry on, Emily. John Watt, Hello Frank on the radio, re-celebrity dentist. When I was a kid, my dentist, Mr Wolf, had around his waiting room

a few of the really long end credit cartoons from Esther Ransom's That's Life. Wow. As his son used to draw them. Impressive. Yeah. Don't you just love dentists? No. No. I don't. Who's ever said that? That's a strange way to end the link.

Well, an extractor fan. Oh my god. Yeah. do something. Tim Key's in the room. Hello, Tim Key. Hello, Frank. Hello. Always a joy.

Hello, Pierre. Hey, man. Oh, I should say before we go, I'm sorry that this is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean, Pia Novelli and Tim Key. You can text the show on 81215, follow us on X and Instagram at frankontheradio, email via frank at absoluteradio.co.uk.

I like the hat. Thank you. I'll tell you why I like the hat. Go on. Because most people who wear a baseball hat with an American baseball team on it, especially if they go East Coast, they go the Yankees.

Right. And you've gone the Mets. I didn't know it was a baseball team. And I used to be such a fan of the Mets that I have flown to New York for a long weekend and watched four consecutive Mets games on my own. Really?

Yeah. So it's lovely to see that cap. But what happened to this Mets love? Well, what happens to so many loves in life? It was the star that burnt too bright. Yeah. I think you overdid it, didn't you? I think I did. I bought a tapestry.

Right, yeah. I think you know you're in too deep into a sports team when you buy the tapestry. I bought... Was it a half and half tapestry? An embroidered... It was an embroidered celebration of the 1969 World Series win. That sounds lovely. Not only have I got the tapestry,

I got a picture of the manager of the Mets at that time in his office with the tapestry on his wall behind him. Amazing. Anyway, how are you? I'm not bad, yeah. I mean, I've heard more sort of personal intros, I suppose. It drifted a bit, didn't it? Well, don't wear the hat!

I do not like tapestry-led intros. You should be able to wear a hat without getting your tapestry stuff. Don't call him with a prompt and then get sniffy about it. Look, I will go straight down to it. Tim Key's got a new book out. Yeah. And I'll tell you something. I had an exciting moment.

I had an envelope arrive yesterday. This was inside. Oh, great. And a handwritten card from what I consider to be the golden girl of the contemporary arts and crafts movement, Emily Juniper, who, as you know, works on all Tim's books. Yes. Certainly of late.

She works very hard on them. And they're beautiful. And so is she. Well, I've never met her, and I like it better that way. She couldn't handle it, could she? She's an imagination. I don't think I could, dear.

I googled her. Did you? I was intrigued. I thought that was gossip. She was everything I could. I googled her. Did you? I was intrigued. I thought that was gossip. She was everything I hoped. She had a Brett on top. Did she? That's what I wanted.

Anyway, Tim. But again, we're getting very sidetracked, aren't we? We're getting closer to talking about me. I'm talking about your book. We're talking about Emily's Brett on top. Which, let's face it, is why you're here. It's a spiral. Tell us about your book.

Well, it's a book of poetry. It's called Chapters. It's a very bold yellow book. And the idea of it is that you can fit it in your pocket, in your back pocket. I love that. Yeah. I'll tell you what, I was only saying to Emily

in Foyle's bookshop last week, sometimes I buy books just because I think that would fit in my pocket. Absolutely, just to get you home. Yeah. Yeah. Would you read for us this one? Can I pick one? You've probably got some you like doing, but there's one that I really took to.

Coincidentally, it's on page 101. Oh, that is a coincidence. It's called Tard. Is it? Right, okay, yeah, I know that one. I should hope you do know that one. I like this one. They're all very familiar to me. Okay, Todd. It was transfer deadline day.

I decided to buy Todd Cantwell from Norwich. I sold my flat and my bread maker and my House of Games carry-on suitcase and had just about enough to get him on loan. He arrived at my parents' house so he wandered through into the garden. He was sulking, and I asked him what was up. Father came through with cordial and custard creams and took photos.

What's wrong, Todd? I inquired again. He asked if I had a football, and I went and had a look in the shed. Oh, Todd. I read that in the early hours and laughed out loud in a room with just a tiny lamp Wow, you lulled Focused on that book I lulled

And what's particularly I made a big lame lull What's particularly wonderful about it is Todd Cantwell is a real person Yeah, brilliant player Little Will of the Wisp, isn't he? He'll be in touch, won't he? Todd?

Oh, you'd hope so. He can't have been in many poems. You never know who's referencing, you know, who's reading the references. It'd be great for Todd to reach out. Someone's got to tip off Todd. Someone must know Todd. He lives in Glasgow, doesn't he, Todd?

Well, probably. He plays for, as you say. Because I should say, there's a sort of a... There's a conceit. Oh, there is a conceit. In this book. There's an ongoing dialogue with Golden Girl of contemporary arts and crafts scene, Emily Juniper.

Happy for you to reference her, but let's not get bogged down with her. Bob Down, is he coming in? So, anyway... Bob Down! He won't let Bob Down go. No. So, hold on, I think it's the end of the link.

We'll come back and then you can explain the conceit, if you will. It's lovely to see you, Tim. Oh, it's lovely to see you, too. By the way, I know we're being a bit ironic, but I love Tim Key. Yeah, I love Frank Skinner. And other people. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank, this news just in.

Sheila Edwards, the post lady, delivered my copy of Chapters just moments ago. So excited to read it. Yeah, but I bet they didn't get a handwritten card from Emily like I did. The great Emily Juniper. Yeah, exactly. So, yes, there are poems, fabulously funny and intriguing poems, and then there's a sort of dialogue that runs through you. What's it all about, Tim?

Well, yeah, I think I've been doing that for about, well, the last three books, just a sort of trundling old dialogue. Often in the last two books with different people, including I did have one dialogue with you yes book yes and now i've um distilled it all down to just one constant bubbling little dialogue between me and the great emily juniper does emily juniper in reality comment on your poems and say i don't understand that or you should change this or would that be the end of what's been a very um warm and productive relationship there's a gray area between the the Emily Juniper who lives in Cornwall

and the Emily Juniper that I've invented in the book. OK. So there's some times where she says something and then says, Oh, that's the Emily Juniper from the book who just said that, wasn't it? Yeah. Can we have another one before we go on, please? Yes. Yeah, which one do you want? Well, I'm happy to let you pick, but there is another one before we go on, please? Yes. Yeah, which one do you want?

Well, I'm happy to let you pick, but there is another one I really like, and it's short. Yeah. Give us another one. It's about... Let me make sure. It's called Meal Deal.

Oh, yeah, got that one here. That's what I've got the book opened on, on Meal Deal. That is beyond coincidence. It'd be mad for us to not read meal deal from this point, wouldn't it? Go on. Meal deal. The chap in Pret said he'd give me my mocha for free

if I gave his boss a dead arm and called him a twerp. I said I'd do no such thing. I'd be happy to pay. He said he'd throw in a banana and a carrot cake. I looked at the smoothies and he told me that that stuff wasn't part of the deal. I bit my lip. Which one's your boss? His eyeballs twitched towards a thin, bald fellow and I slid my Barclays Premier card back into my shirt pocket.

That's me banging the desk. Tremendous. Now that was me. I really enjoyed... There's also another one based around Pret where you over-order. I know. I think that's where it sort of drifts into real life.

You know, when people say, where do you get your ideas? I definitely had over-ordered. Well, I sympathise because I also cannot restrain myself in a Pret before a long train journey sometimes. Exactly. I'm OK in a Pret outside of journeys, but the pre-journey Pret is a little bit...

Well, I think Book Emily says, you're always going on about Pret. Yes, and that's... She does say that. Cornwall Emily also says I'm always going on about Pret. Frank, can I tell you my favourite opening to a poem in Tim Peake's book? Tim Peake's book as well. I've read that too. The first two. This is my favourite ever opening to any poem in Tim Key's book? Tim Peake's book as well. Tim Peake. I've read that too. The first two.

This is my favourite ever opening to any poem in the history of poetry. Okay. The only man for the job. There was nothing else for it. Eddie Howe was appointed as Chancellor. I think that's another slight obsession of mine, Eddie Howe. I'd like to know whether he's

reading the poems, because he's referenced a lot. He should be always. Someone must know Eddie. There was nothing else for him. But there's nothing... But Todd Cantwell, if you were going to make up someone who played for Norwich, you couldn't come up with a better name than Todd Cantwell.

No. Oh, it's sensational. So, will these... Are these poems that have been live poems and have become book poems, or are they book poems that will become live poems? Oh, good question. They're sort of a mixture. They're, in general, poems that I wrote over the last 18 months, I think.

So, generally, I've put them on my Instagram, at Tim Key Poet. Free? What. Free? What? Free? Yeah, I think so. Although, you know, it's a tangled web, isn't it? At some point, hopefully, then someone buys the book. Are you suggesting he should do a Hey Guys paid collab?

Well, it's just, you know... Who am I doing the paid collab with, though? Todd Cantwell. OK, right, yeah, I would do a paid collab with Todd Cantwell. I don't know what the fee would be like. So I'd sort of slap him up on Instagram, but that would probably mean

that I quite like that poem, so then there would maybe be a chance that I would be reading it out somewhere as well. But I'd say maybe in this book, yeah, maybe about a third of them I've read out on stage. Probably no more than that.

The Prolific, if I was your teacher, that's what I would write on this book. V. Prolific, that's good, yeah. Big if, of course. Pardon? Big if. You wouldn't be my teacher. No, no, no.

Okay, fair enough. You're all right. I thought you were calling me, you spin my nickname, Big If, at school. Mentor, maybe. You could be my mentor. Yeah, I'm happy with that. I was, I recently turned down a mentorship

Wow Extraordinary thing to say Frank Skinner Absolute Radio And we should say by the way There will be people at home thinking I'd really like to read Tim Key's chapters It sounds like a funny book.

I love its yellowness, as you've already mentioned. Easy to find. And it has just gone live. Can you explain what that means, Tim? I can give it a crack, definitely. So we, the published, the publication date

is November the 5th. We thought that people would remember that because that's the same as Guy Fawkes Night. Oh, yeah? Yeah. Yeah, bring it so tight to an anti-Catholic oppression. Wow, yeah, that's not how we were phrasing it in our minds. Is there a more pro-Catholic date we could have released it on?

Well, Christmas. Oh, yeah. No, Frank, they're going to take the book and nail it to the door of a church. Okay. It's a lovely stocking filler, actually. No, Frank, they're going to take the book and nail it to the door of a church. OK. It's a lovely stocking filler, actually. Yeah? So then, well, I found out I was going to come on this show,

and so the book gets released tomorrow, but Emily Juniper, who's in charge of all this stuff, has clicked the button, so if people want to order it now, it's live during the show. OK. And then I think she might, you know, slam the door shut at the end of the show. Has it got a sort of a domain name?

What? Are you trying to ask where the people get it? You know Lion World at London Zoo? No, it hasn't got a domain name like Lion World. OK. Just asking. What's Lion World? It's the lion section.

Oh, yeah, I knew it. That's inexcusable. I should have known that. Her website's called utterandpress.co.uk, and that's where the book is currently twitching. OK. And it is, as you can tell from the two poems, which I carefully selected, it is hilarious.

And also, it's possible to sort of see these poems moving about and having a heartbeat through the work of the animator William Child. The great William Child. Yes. William Child. Do you know William Child? No.

Oh, go on. No. I don't know him. No. But I liked his quote. It says, actually in the blurb, it says, For long time fan William, the collaboration was something of a dream come true. Wow.

Yes, I think I put together that blurb. Yeah. See, I couldn't, i'd have been too embarrassed to say that myself some people they just they just put it out there yeah but anyway the day i love the uh there's um clay claymation oh yeah this guy's crazy he came and watched my show in bristol maybe about two years ago and then uh afterwards said if you're around before you take the tour to the next town come to the studio and I went to his studio

there's a lot of clay in that studio and a lot of famous people they're just about that size can you not do that size on the radio? Well I've done it now and I'm not going to but you might have gestured seven or eight

feet into the sky. I might have. I might have gestured a millimetre. The point is, people can Google William Child and try and find a picture of his studio because I'm not going to say what size these things are. Did he used to be Billy Childish, the musician? Because it just sounds a bit of a coincidence

that he's there called William Child. Everything's a bit neat, isn't it? Yeah. If your surname was Child, would you change it to Child? Is he here at Witness Protection? That's what I'm trying to get at. Well, the point being, he's made one minute,

well, maybe less, little tiny animations using clay of three of my poems and two of them I think are released. You can find them on my Instagram at Tim Key Poet. They are beautiful. This guy is. Good likeness

of you. Wowee. I think. Do you get to keep your has he given you a little model of you to keep? Well, I can't really because of the size. Oh God, I forgot they were 38 feet high. There's been some questions sent in by our readers, Tim. Would you be prepared to answer those?

Yeah, I'll rattle a few off. OK. OK. Mr Scary Mole has been in touch. What does the job of task consultant actually entail? And this is in regard, I presume, to your role on Taskmaster. It's a credit on Taskmaster, yeah. And that's probably where it begins and ends.

It's a credit. Oh, OK. Yeah, there's not much behind it. Do you actually make any... It's a ceremonial role, I think. Oh, OK. Sometimes Alex calls me and says, what do you think of me putting this person on the show?

And I say, yeah, fair play. You do what you need to do. Do you get to wear a chain and ermine? Yeah, before i take the call it's a bit of a scramble when alex's name comes up okay next reader question paul jackson would he ever do strictly i know i wouldn't do strictly why not um i don't need to say why not. Okay.

Frank often does explain why not. I've turned it down and I'd like to learn to dance. That'd be fabulous. But out of the public eye, probably. Well, I think it'd be a bit exposing, you learning to dance, actually, Frank. I don't mind looking like a terrible dancer. What I don't want to look like is a grinning fool

in the background during interviews. That is great, yeah, exactly yeah and I don't want to take part in inane VT things where I pretend there's a ghost in the studio exactly these are the reasons I don't want to do it the dancing I think would be lovely I don't mind being a bad dancer what I don't want to be is a bad human being okay next question um Ruth Jordan one of our regulars would like to know if you have a favourite branch of fat face. Oh, great, yeah. Can you explain this reference? I can't really, but I know that when I read my book back,

I talk about fat face quite a lot. I'm often in fat face in my book. Yes. And actually, I did find... It was a quite peculiar experience last week when I went into a branch of fat face. Is fat face a fast food outlet? Wow.

Is that another dig? I don't know what Fat Face... Well, you brought up Fat Face. I brought up Fat Face as a retail chain and then you've just hit back with... I don't know. Have you been eating a lot of burgers? I don't know what they sell at Fat Face.

Clothing. The only time I... The first time I heard the name Wilco was in its obituary. That was the first time I came across Wilco. Yeah, but Smiggle comes up and you're all over it. Smiggle is worth a trip. What is Fat Face?

Well, Fat Face is Smiggle for clothes, basically. Oh, OK. That sounds brilliant. It's quite outdoorsy, Frank. They should use that, shouldn't they? Smiggle for clothes. Well, I think my book is smiggle for poems well it's various

practical yeah I'm going to ask you for another one after this break if you can pick your own this time because I feel I've imposed them on you but finding ones that don't have the swearing in that's the key isn't it with

that sort of stuff yeah but if you can do that i'm gonna give you this this this spell to find one frank skinner on absolute radio now as well as tim key's chapters book which is out officially on the 5th of november but you can get now if you go yes emily juniper's eased the door open for a moment on her um otter and press um website but there are also i've been handed a you know when you hold paper and you think if this was blank i'd still want to own it it feels so beautiful. Tim Keane has come to associate himself with the objet d'art.

And he's bought out... Who'd have thought it? Object! And he has bought out now a series of prints suitable for framing on beautiful paper, which I think if I was trapped underground

after Storm Millicent arrives at the weekend, I think I could feed on this paper for probably three weeks. You would gnaw the print? It's fibrous, that's how thick the paper is tell us more about these prints um some nice people came to my show and said they had a gallery and they said they'd like to make the poems that i read the poems on stage off little playing cards little scraps of a lot of people come to your show and make you exciting business they made me an offer that i can't refuse yeah well that used to happen to me but it was i love you take me in your arms but that doesn't happen anymore but you get actual business i love

how romantic he's making it as well i get actual business yeah yeah yeah these two people they said let's go to the pub and uh let's talk let's talk art and we went to the pub we talked art and now a year later this is the result, which is a very simple idea. We just blew up the poems so they're now nice and big, but they're the same cards I read off on stage. See, I like that. I like the authenticity of knowing that this was in your beer-soaked hand

in front of a live audience. Yeah, this would have been pulled from a pocket, read out and thrown down onto the beer-stained floor maybe 80 times. Flung. Flung, sorry, yeah. My bad, yeah. Sorry, flung. I'm still reeling from all the shade.

So how do we get our hands on... Well, you've just given me one, so why am I interested? End of conversation, really. How does anyone get one of these? Well, again, the old Instagram at Tim Key Poet will sort of you can get there through there. You're an industry. But also it's called

Stowe Gallery, so you can Google that probably. Stowe, as in Stowe on the Wold in the Cotswolds. Well, I reckon, because I went to their house where they also make them and stuff, and it did feel very much like i was in the corpse world i have to be honest did you um do you do that thing of having a little

table at your um gigs afterwards where you sell your books and prints oh god that'd be pretty tragic well a lot of comedians do it yeah i do yeah on my tour do you do it i. On my tour. Do you do it? I did on my tour, yeah. But that's because, well, me and Emily made these books and the show was about, my last show was about lockdown and we'd written two books about lockdown, so... Might as well sell them. Yeah, if you don't flog them.

I mean, there's your audience. Well, I worked with one of your precursors, John Hegley, who was a comedy poet, who still is, but was on the circuit when I first started. He's fantastic. And he used to sell, he's fantastic. He used to sell one of my favourite rhymes ever. Eddie don't like furniture.

If you buy him any, he'll return it to you. Wow. Anyway, he used to sell them at the end. And I said, people like to talk, though. I said, I saw a person leave the end of the queue because they didn't want to queue anymore. That's a sale loss. He said, now, what I do, he said,

because I was brought up a Catholic, I noticed that priests, when they talk to people, they put their arm on their shoulder as if it's a reassuring sign of affection, but they're actually moving them along like a conveyor belt. So there's a little tip for you. Thank you.

I was doing some, selling some books after a gig and a woman came up. My partner was with me and her mom and her sister and the woman came up and said, do you remember me? We had a one night stand in 1997.

Did you? No. Did you move her along? So anyway, did I move her along? Did you move her along? So anyway... Did I move her along? Did you move her along? You said, of course I do. Off you go.

Bless you, my child. I said, well, you're not getting a cab this time. Oh, Frank. Anyway. Please. I want a note to end the show on. Tim Key's book, Chapters, is available now. You can go on his website and find out about the beautiful prince.

Are you doing live shows soon? I'm just going to quickly read this poem off one of the prince. You can go on his website and find out about the beautiful prints. Are you doing live shows soon? I'm just going to quickly read this poem off one of the prints. Oh, go on. Glenn ate nine apples. By apples, I mean fags. And by eight, I mean smoked. And by nine, I mean 20. By Glenn, I mean me.

Am I doing what, sir? Brilliant. Live shows? No. Having a month off, and then I'll do a couple of Christmas shows and then sort of rebuild in the new year. Well, in that case, I'm at the Lyric Theatre, Shaftesbury Avenue tonight. You are.

And tomorrow at five o'clock, there's still tickets inevitably at the stage of my career. And come and see me. Apparently I'm hilarious. That's what people say. And is that to your audience or to me that you're saying that? That's to you. You're always welcome to come for free because I love you.

If the good Lord spares us and the creaks don't rise, we'll be back again this time next week. Now get out.