The Frank Skinner Show - Silly Gymnastics

Episode Date: August 5, 2023

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. The Radio Academy Award winning gang bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. This week Frank and Emily are joined by Steve Hall. Frank has been on holiday and had another KFC night with the boys! The team also discuss whether you can take a tour of a sugar factory and there's a data point on the Rubik's cube.

This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and the fabulous Steve Hall is with us today. When I say with us, we're not actually here at the moment. We're not live today, so don't text. You'll be throwing your money into a chasm. live today so don't text you'll be throwing your money into a chasm but you can however for nothing I believe follow us on X and Instagram Frank on the radio or email via Frank at absolute radio dot co dot UK it doesn't work well I'm on you know I'm only following the right I met the It gives me the heebie-jeebies. What, the X? Follow us on X.

I'll tell you what I think. I bet you've followed a few Xs in your time. Well, I tell you, Frank. Not that they know. Not that they know. It sounds a bit sort of one of those 90s adult channels. It does. Follow us on X.

I think there was a channel X. Of course there was. Hi, guys. Why don't you call me? Are you all right, love? I know. I always talk like this. Yeah, so what was it?

Do you think they used to have a few drinks to get them through the gruel of the whole evening? Yes, I'm sure it was just that. Oh, no. So, yes. Do you like X, Frank? Don't call us on Channel X. I don't think it exists anymore, but I don't know.

Not on our channel. Frank, do you like X? Or maybe they're reb. Not on our channel. Frank, do you like X? Or maybe they're rebranding it as Twitter. Yeah, do you like X? As Twitter. Well, I like Twitter because I like the ornithological aspect of it, where X, as you say, does just sound menacing. Yeah.

So the point was made, it's a strange thing to name your app after the thing you click on to shut something down. That is a good point. But I think it's every schoolboy. Schoolboys are obsessed with Xs, aren't they? Like Professor X. And X always features quite heavily in comic books and things like that.

That's a good point. The X-Men, I'm going to give that as an example. Okay, surely there'll be some people called the X-Men of a special Twitter-arty. And then they'll have to make it the X-Men or women and it's going to get... Oh, I think he should have left it well alone. He was doing quite nicely with his little cars.

And he rode off. Have we talked about... He looked to me incredibly like a cross between Jimmy Carr and Crichton from Red Dwarf. Are you speaking of Elon Musk? I can see that, yeah. Muskie? Crichton was the one who had a plastic face.

If I was Muskie... Come to think of it... Come to think of it, Crichton now in that company looks quite... It's like a sort of a Lucian Freud painting. Very realistic. Oh, but we love him really. Yeah, so anyway, you can contact us on X. That does apply.

Even though we're not live, you can contact us on X that does apply even though we're not live you can contact us contact us I know I'm trying to do the chronology you can't contact us can you a load of 8 year olds

trying to do the radio the thing is this you can contact us if someone sends a good anything we'll use it eventually

because like Jonathan Ross used to say I was like a Someone sends a good anything, we'll use it eventually. Because, like, Jonathan Ross used to say, I was like a Chinese chef, even the feet, he used to say. I think you can still, can you still say that? Oh, I'm glad that's what he meant. No, I think he meant, you know, that nothing is wasted. I know. So, that's got that, Don.

Now, I, oh, what do you want to that, Don. Now, I... Oh, I'll tell you what I did on... Saturday! Saturday! Saturday! I'll tell you, I... Last Saturday, we had one of our KFC nights where me and my brother-in-law, Jack, and his son, Elliot, and my son, Boz, we get together.

Men only. Oh, no, there's not much of that left nowadays. And yeah, guys, if you want some chicken. And we had a KFC night. And you know what we did? You know what the theme was? What? Well, I'll tell you after this.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Tell us about your bucket night. Yeah, so I'll tell you what we did. I don't know if you remember I spoke of our last KFC night. The four of us eat, obviously, a large KFC meal. But also we watch. a large KFC meal. But also we watch,

you can go on YouTube and get long, long packages of KFC adverts through the ages. So we just watch those. And you see things. You see the strangest things that you've forgotten. Some of them are in America only, so we never knew that they happened.

Like honey-covered chicken chicken did that happen here who knows anyway one of the features that we saw on the last pack of adverts was people looking down at their post kfc plate and saying, I ate the bones! Or the family saying, Dad, you ate the bones! And it was part of their, I'm going to say, their fillet promotion. Oh! So the idea was, you bought your chicken fillet, and at the end of it, you think, hold on, I ate the bones, but they never were bones, because it was a fillet. Oh.

Get it? You with me? So we went fillet on last Saturday. Did you? There wasn't a bone in the house. Can I be honest? I didn't even know that was an option. Yeah.

Oh, well. I'll be honest. I prefer it with bones. Do you like the Henry VIII energy? I like food with a handle. Oh. Chicken leg, lamb chop, toffee apple. That's how I...

Those are my first top three. So, yeah, this was... It was still lovely, but no, I like the bones in there. And then what we do... What do you do on the chips, Ron? Do you get a whole... How many each? Just one? Do you get the small? Yeah, we just get the regular fries.

But we get things like the gravy, the various dips, strange things like buttermilk, mayo and stuff like that. Do you watch that? Presumably that's a one-off thing. You don't watch the adverts every time you have this? And then we make an advert. It's a religious ritual for chicken. And then we make an advert.

My son, who's 11, is very keen on doing... You're a retainer or something. Yeah, he loves making little films with all sorts of effects on and stuff. So he directs us and we play the part. I'm always the colonel because I've got the hair. Yes. And, yeah, we do stuff like that.

And I say, I still say... Now, here's a thing worth discussing. I think I still say it's finger licking good but the adverts betray there was at least an era when they dropped it's really looking good well i think it's quite poor so they replaced it's finger licking good with so good. And I thought, oh, no. Was that a hygiene thing? No.

In the post-COVID era, finger licking good is a tricky thing to say. Apparently, they wanted the word good to suggest nutritious, whereas finger licking good suggests flavour, but who knows how that flavour was attained. I see. Oh. Yeah. They've made a terrible mistake there. They've gone all woke. making good suggests flavour, but who knows how that flavour was attained. I don't know how they did it. Oh. Yeah.

They've made a terrible mistake there. They've gone all woke. That's what's happened with the camera. I'll tell you what, the PC Brigade, as I once heard Jim Davidson say, when I went to see his stand-up in a festival, he said, oh, PC Brigade. This is a money spinner, though. If there's anyone in from any of the major chicken fast food providers,

there's an untapped wealth of films featuring the most acclaimed playwright of this generation. One of those? Your brother-in-law. Would he not count as a... Oh, I see what you mean. I thought you meant those films, the So Good franchise. I was trying to think of what that was. Yeah, my brother-in-law is in them. But he has acted, I think, in the past.

He was a character in Skins in the old days. Well, it's nice to know the most acclaimed playwright of his generation spends his spare time watching KFC ads. Well, he has no choice, really. We're all the, you know, the dupes of our culture. Does he say the motive and the cue darling the motive and the cue

I should say my brother-in-law is Jack Thorne in case this Steve hasn't actually named him so yes he is a major

playwright film writer TV writer but he still has to run round and round the lawn having drunk

seven up so that we can so Buzz can speed it up for the end of the movie. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Oh yes, I

went on holiday. I didn't tell you. I went to... Tell me more, tell me more. Did you get very far? We went to well, we got to Suffolk. Oh, lovely. We were in

That would have been a very short film, wouldn't it? Yeah. Did you get very far? Yet I went to Suffolk. Any credits? Yeah.

Tell me more. How was the traffic on the A11? Oh, it wasn't too bad. And did you take your dad home, Bob? So, we were in wooden pods. Oh, I bet Buzz didn't like that. No, no, he was good.

He was good with it. They were little. I'll put a picture up on our website thing, whatever it is. What do we put them on? Socials, X and Insta. X and Insta. I'll put it up on our website thing, whatever it is. What do we put them on? Socials, X and Insta. X and Insta. I'll put it up on those, what we were staying in. It's like a little, it's like a wooden tent.

I suppose it's about eight feet high. What are they called though, Steve? Pods. Sheds? Is it pod? It is a pod. Sounds like a shed. I'll show you a picture.

And it is a bit like a shed as well. And it was great. We all, we had meals outside because the weather was okay. And there was like my mother-in-law and my brother-in-law and anything, my other-in-law. Does everyone have a pod each? That we, me, Kath and boz shared a pod cozy so it's me and boz in the double bed and kath wanted to sleep near the door so she can get up and run at 5 a.m

i know i know well we had the dog with us as well, actually. In fact, interestingly, we were very near Westo Anglo-Saxon village, which, you know, I love an Anglo-Saxon. And this was the site of an Anglo-Saxon village. And they've built Anglo-Saxon, if you like, sheds. I'm going to call them homes. On the actual site. Anglo-Saxon man cave. So, well, I suppose there was women and children as well.

And they built them on the actual site of the original ones. Even like if they could tell there was a fireplace there, that's where they put the fireplace in the new one. It's great. I loved it but i think it influenced sort of the way we lived in a thing because they lived under you know they had skins and all that and um we well we didn't have animal skins but we had the animal i slept onto the animal so we never ever have the dog on the bed at home so absolutely no no but it's a bit like you know when you're on a plane and if you've got any dietary normal dietary restrictions on a plane you can eat

anything you like because you're on a plane so you can have the pudding and any any old rubbish nine packets of tiny pretzels. I think if you're away, when we're away with the dog, it sleeps on our bed. Ah, nice. Yeah, so it was very Anglo-Saxon in many ways because they were under an animal skin except the skin was still on the animal.

I think it's fine. Let them in the bed for the holidays. I had a similar rule with partners generally Yes, well I'd let anyone in on a holiday, personally But there was one thing where me and Buzz were sitting up in bed And I was reading Edmund Spencer's long poem The Fairy Queen And he was reading Diary of a Wimpy Kid. And I thought, this is what family life is all about.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So... Can I ask, it sounds like a boring question, and it may well be, but I'm going to persist. If it is, I'll turn it into something magical. Don't worry about that. I feel you will. You'll alchemise this.

Yes. I'm intrigued to know about your sleeping habits during this because you've shown me the pod and I worry. You said show me the pod in a Jerry Maguire type way. You've shown me the pod and my first thought was that looks beautiful. My second was i worry about noise from the animal kingdom no i i don't remember sleeping anywhere more silent or more dark

in my i mean dark as in you know light not as in uh subject oh lovely yeah okay so um me and buzz were having a good old ten hour or more. Excellent. I'd be worried about the dog would be alert to any woodland creature. That would be my worry. But the dog was fine. No, the dog would be out on its morning run at 5.30 with my partner. Yeah.

So, yeah, the dog lived a sort of Spartan existence. The only thing I think that you wouldn't like about it, Emily, is a tiny, tiny shower, toilet. Oh, dear. And I'm in a tiny, tiny room where literally, and I didn't try this, you could do your business on the toilet while showering. You could. Because it's literally above the toilet.

I would have paid to have a port-a-loo sent over by crane. I could not tolerate that, Frank. Yeah. I've got this thing every time I go in or out of a port-a-loo. I go... I just got the Tardis-ness of it. Now, we were in a pod called Wolfron, sadly, which is named after one of the founders of Wolverhampton,

which is the last thing I needed. Anglo-Saxon noblewoman who was, you may know, the mother of Walfric Spot, another famous Anglo-Saxon. Nobody knows why she was called Walfric Spot. Steve, the way Frank refers to them is another famous Anglo-Saxon. Famous. If only Pierre was here, he'd know them. Sorry.

I should say Pierre isn't here because he works in a Turkish restaurant in Soho. He stands at the door wearing just a chamois leather posing pouch and strikes an enormous gong whenever a customer enters. Have you seen... I went to drop off a book he'd loaned me there and I didn't recognise him at first. He's so oiled. Absolutely.

You know, he's normally quite matte finish. Did you go over and ask him to grant you three wishes? No, but he looked like he could have done that. But he was very oiled. I don't know how he can, in his breaks, I don't know how he stays on the stool. Frank Skinner. Absolute radio.

Yeah, so there was a lovely scenario you would have enjoyed when we ate outside and then I sat in the forest and Kath checked me for nits. It's really nice. It really is. So it's kind of Anglo-Saxon era mixed with a throwback to the monkey era, the primate era. Well, I didn't tell you this, but a couple of weeks ago I did actually.

I found nits on me. We've all had it, love. There's a nits outbreak at my son's school. And I used to have a primetime chat show and now I've got nits. What about when I was there? That was the headline in Take a Break magazine. What about when I was there in Paris? Which is my favourite weekly, by the way. Do you in Take A Break magazine. What about when I was so embarrassed? Which is my favourite weekly, by the way.

Did I take a break? No, but it says on the front, your favourite weekly, so I'm a very obedient character. I once invented children because I was buying knit shampoo and I was very embarrassed to say I had knits and the man in the chemist said, how many children? Yes. And I said, two. And then I had to chemist said, how many children? And I said, two.

And then I had to make up names, ages. It's too humiliating. Well, I've gone through my hair with a fine tooth. No, I actually have done that. I always figure nits is a step up from worms. Sorry, I'm going to scratch my head now because the word nits, they don't leap from one person to another. You have to have head-to-head contact.

I've read a lot. They're not like the Paul Stanley from Kiss. They don't swing across on a cable. It's amazing that that used to be a dedicated job, knit nurse. Yeah, knit nurse. We used to have the knit nurse come to school. There's a place you can go to, not far from us, where they hoover your head

and they hoover them off yeah they hoover the lice off and then they take maybe we shouldn't is this I'm just wondering here is this

I can't find it I just got a new jingle and the producer always says to me oh there it is before but you didn't do it today but should we be talking about the d knitting process or is it too dark for breakfast two dark public parts so yes so so she did that so I've been through the knit thing

I looked them up because I was horrified at first I haven't had them since the 60s so and I imagine they've evolved Because I was horrified at first. I haven't had them since the 60s. And I imagine they've evolved. Me and Emma are slightly reeling from the introduction of a new jingle and it being that. Two dogs for breakfast. Well, it happened accidentally last week.

And I thought we should remember I was talking about the fact that Johnny Depp had been in a controversy about bringing dogs into a country without proper documentation and Emily pointed out there'd been other controversies and I pointed out that they were too

dark for breakfast! Too dark for breakfast! Too dark for breakfast! So um so um anyway let's not milk it so i looked up knits and what about this i looked up knits this is my last knits mention anyone who's scratching their heads off at home i looked up knits on the nhs um and it said there was a headline that said, you cannot prevent head lice. And then that was in bold letters. And then there was a little bit of writing underneath.

And it says, there's nothing you can do to prevent head lice. I thought, do you need the lower text? You've said that. Once you've said it in block capitals, I mean, you've heard it. So, yes, I come out as someone who's recently had nits. I was going to say on the show when I actually had them, and then I thought me and Emily could embrace that when Philip Schofield came out on Good Morning,

but then I thought, well, we can't actually embrace because I've got nits. So it's so complicated. Anyway, they're gone. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Yes, ditto. And I'm with Steve Hall and Emily Dean. We're not live, so don't text us. You'll be throwing your money away and you know, I mean you did enough of that with that t-shirt machine you bought trying to do your own thing

on Camden Market, that was a failure. You can follow us on X and Instagram at frankontheradio email via frank at absoluteradio. uk is there an xr t you know instead of a twitter rt oh the x-men yeah and women yes so um yes you can contact you can still contact us on there i can't say contact have Have you noticed that? And yes, we'll use anything

that we feel is worthy of being broadcast. That sounds lovely and inclusive. Exactly. Well, I try to be whenever. So yes, I would very much recommend West Anglo-Saxon Village which is where I... In fact, I went there on holiday.

I went there for a day and then I went back two days later and went there again. It was so good. I could live there. High preach. But it's so far up my strata. Could you live in the pod?

I could live in the pod. I always think if Kath walked out on me and Boz became a rock star... Too dark for breakfast! Oh, yes. Go on, you can do one. Too dark for breakfast! Too dark!

I'd like to live... I'd live in a tiny, tiny place. Because I used to live in a bedsit, and I'd once lie on the floor, and I could touch everything I owned. Keep it clean, Steve. And I kind of like that. I'm fascinated.

Those pods would be torture for Pierre because obviously it's absolutely the field of his particular interest. But he's so huge, I would worry whether the pod could contain his frame. I think if he got in the pod, it would look like an American footballer's shoulder protection on him. He wouldn't be in the pod. like an American footballer's shoulder protection on him. He wouldn't be in the pot. With his terrible South African head sticking out. He is with the animals.

He'd be with the animals outside. He's a man I can imagine doing survival skills. Oh yeah. Without a second thought. Just, I mean, literally tearing animals apart and eating them raw. Yeah, that's why I wouldn't take him with the dog. Oh, man, he'd love a caffapoo.

Steaming first thing in the morning. Oh, my God. Nevertheless, but what I would recommend is we spend some time in nearby Bury St Edmunds. Now, Bury St Edmunds now bury St Edmunds you would imagine because it's associated very much with St Edmunds and there's a shrine to him there that he was buried there and you know what I said to you I had a mate who's an expert on Worcestershire place names and they all have names like the devil's kitchen and then when you then when you think oh god there must

have been some terrible sighting there of the devil with like i don't know a crock pot or a maybe an air fryer and um is that what they're called yes and um he wouldn't use it i think he sticks with flames but um it then he would say oh no, devil's kitchen, that comes. It's a word, it's defca, which means poddle in road. It's always very, very. And bury St Edmund's, I thought they've obviously called it that because he's buried there. But it's actually like borough, borough of St Edmund's, never as exciting.

I don't know if you know the story of St Edmund, the Vikings. I think it was Ivar the Boneless, actually, or the Filet, as they called it. I was going to say, he loved the KFC. What is so good about Ivar the Filet? So good. No one knows why he was called the Boundless, but anyway.

The Colonel does. I was going to say 8-12-15, but you can't do that today, so do not text us. But him and his marauding horde of Norsemen killed King Edmund, killed Edmund rather and threw his head

threw his head into the forest Is this Two dogs for breakfast Anyway Hey you, don't say that, say this. The story is it was protected by a wolf until... What was the head?

Until monks came and found it. What's the point of protecting it? It's a bit late for that wolf. When it's protected, it's trying to eat it and it's trying to share it. No, no, it definitely wasn't. That kind of protection. Oh, man. It's had a sort of St. Edmund KFC night mash-up.

I don't know if you can still get the mash. We have the fries, anyway. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Oh, I'll tell you what else I did. I know I'm going on about my holiday, but it was very, very interesting. I went to Bury St Edmunds, a place called Moisey's Hall Museum.

And there's all sorts of stuff. There's like a sort of urban art exhibition with like Banksy stuff and that. And then there's a timepieces exhibition and I honestly seriously thought I might switch to a pocket watch. There's a glass case full of pocket watches, they look great. I think you'd suit a pocket watch. But where do you, I presume it goes in your pocket, but do you have like a chain on your belt like johnny depp sort of hanging down and then i have to put a bandana where does the pocket watch attach to what it used to go in the the vest pocket

as americans call it the uh the waistcoat as we called it back home pocket but i never i don't really wear them unless i'm playing snooker no so uh i might wear a brocade one for my magic act. Or weddings. So would I just put it in my pocket? Is that how it would work? What's so used to you? I'm imagining. Have you ever owned one?

I've never owned one. It was a difficult childhood. Okay. Why have you never had a pocket one? I'm picturing because you wear, obviously you've had a show called Man in a Suit. Yes. With your array of suits, I'm imagining a waistcoat,

and you're almost in your Doctor Who character mode. But I don't want my dress to be pocket watch led. Do you know what I mean? It's a bit Alice in Wonderland. Yeah, I don't have to dress for it. I like the idea, though. You know when you're sitting out there where they pull the pocky on the waistcoat

out with the thumb and then they swing the watch around and it lands in it? What is the question? I think you could pull off a Flavor Flav look, actually, just have it on a chain around the neck. Yeah, but then I'd need a giant one. Steve, please don't make suggestions like that

because he will take them seriously. And also, to be honest, a man of my age doesn't want a constant reminder of time ticking away. It's alright for... I'll tell you what I did do. You know that Sutton Hoo is that part of the world,

East Anglia, and I... You know Sutton Hoo, the famous Anglo-Saxon dig? There's a film, I think, called The Dig. Yeah. With... I know. Who was he?

I know there are people in it, yes. Yeah, there's actors in it. We know. It was a Cumberbatch variant. Yes. It wasn't him, though. No, a Cumberbatch variant. Variant.

Well, I thought it was someone quite famous. A different strain of Cumberbatch. Was there a Knightley in it, maybe, or someone like that that i thought you grant was in it or something possibly i don't know if it was whimsy cold enough for here anyway anyway um so that there was a famous helmet discovered there so if ever you want to know what you look like with a mustache put the helmet on because it's got its own mustache built in no thank you so i put a picture of me in a facsimile of the helmet. It's good to wear. It feels good.

So at the Moises Hall Museum, what they had was an exhibition of... Now, I'm in serious danger of playing the One Step Beyond jingle again, which I think are driving people crazy. Madness's PRS people have been delighted with us today. Oh, don't bring that up. That won't make the final cut.

So, yes, there was things like they had a macabre exhibition there. They had a macabre exhibition there. They had a book and the book cover was made with a man's skin at his own request. And they had the rest of his head in there. Sorry, can we get at his own request? He said, when I die, I'd really like to be a book cover. Sure he did. Yeah, I mean, they don't have it in writing. How do we know that's not how he died?

What is it, an accident? Sure he did. Yeah, I mean, they don't have it in writing. How do we know that's not how he died? Was it an accident? He fell into the book-covering, the binding machine. That's quite a bleak... He died as he lived, left on the shelf. Exactly. Well, he was... They had his head still with the ears on and stuff, all crinkled and ready for mounting.

My thumb is very near the jingle. Restrain yourself. And quite a lot of dead cats, which I'll explain. Oh, God. I'll explain after this. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

I know I'm going on about my holiday, but you know, there'll be other stuff in a minute. You were talking about dead cats. Yeah, they had lots of dead cats because people apparently in 16th, 17th century Bury St Edmunds used to put cats in the walls and stuff of their house to ward off evil spirits after they'd passed no look some of them look like they were oh you're yeah trying to get out oh my god but you know different times for example there was details of the Red Barn murder. And I won't go into that. But the bloke who got hanged for it, once he'd hanged, the hangman took his trousers,

took the man's trousers off. I'd insult to injury. Because apparently it was like a local bylaw thing that the executioner was entitled to the trousers and socks of the man he'd hanged for. So, yeah. So he took those with him. You know what?

You'd think he'd say to himself, I know I'm entitled to this. I know, but... But I'll let it slide. I'm going to give that person a moment's final dignity. Instead he thought, I know my rights of having these trousers. And also, they wouldn't have suited

the executioner, Steve, because of the sandals. They're not fit to wear with trousers. But you wouldn't think they were the cleanest trousers of someone who'd just been hanged. But, you know, maybe we shouldn't dwell too much on this. But I would like to end this with one thing.

The one thing I didn't do in the very St Edmunds area, which I dreamt of doing, was I saw a sign for a sugar factory. And, you know, when you drive past a sign and you think, oh, did that say, and I thought it said Visitor's Centre. And I'd love to go to a sugar factory, wouldn't you? One of my favourite poems favourite poems it's a collection of poems called Model City

by Donna Stone Cypher in which she's going into town to do something important and she sees a sign

for a sugar factory and thinks oh and gets misled goes off there instead and then feels guilty and I just wonder

if you can go and try sugar lumps. I imagine the lady with a tray with a big pile of sugar lumps, you just eat them. I bought that, Donna Stonecipher, having listened to it on your podcast. It's absolutely brilliant. There you go.

There you go. You heard it here first and second. So if anyone wants to take us to a sugar factory, I'd be bang up for that. If there are any sugar daddies or sugar mummies listening. Yeah. Noshugardaddy.com, though. Could I have gone to the one in...

Maybe we'll put this on Twitter and can find out, actually. What, could you have visited? Is it possible to do... I don't mean like a special celebrity visit. Can you go and say, I'd like to do a tour of the sugar factory? As a punter, yeah. Can we visit the sugar factory? In Bury St Edmunds, that is the burning question of the day.

I don't like it when it burns, it's all dark brown. Anyway, sorry, did you give us a signal Sarah? Okay, it was very nuanced. Did you give us a signal, Sarah? Okay, it was very nuanced. Normally it's like a real shove and a shut up and then it was like a wispy ghost-like presence. But we're going anyway. We'll see you in a second.

Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Frank, I would like to actually take a trip down, I'm going to call it memory lane. No. Why? Don't call it memory lane because I don't feel I should be down there. Okay, what should we call this?

No, no. Yeah, what we do is, well, I'll give you a little clue. Previously on this show. So people do write to us in the week, especially podcaster people listen to podcasts of the show. And also people who have, I can't remember the phrase, but it means the thought on the stairs. Esprit d'escalier.

Yes, people who have esprit d'escalier, which means that, you know, you think, oh, I wish I'd said that at the stairs. Esprit d'escalier. Yes, people who have esprit d'escalier, which means that, you know, you think, oh, I wish I'd said that at the time. And then they do say it. They send us emails. It's normally emails, is it? They send all sorts. Yeah, and...

Not Bertie Bassett. We'll get the odd ex. No, I try and encourage them not to contact me. I don't like the exes to turn up. And people say, oh, you know that thing you were talking about last week? Well, blah, blah, blah. So let's look at some of those.

Okay. We've had this in from Grammar Superstar. Lovely friend for you, Frank. Grammar Superstar? Yes. What do you mean? Because it's a very old lady. No.

Is that how Kelsey Grammar signs off? No. Because you taught English at a very old lady. No. Is that how Kelsey grammar signs off? No. She's a bit arrogant. Because you taught English at a very high level. I thought you meant it was like grandma. No, grammar. I was driving. Do you remember we were talking about copyright infringement?

Yes. I think I was saying one of my... We asked people their favourite copyright infringement. It wasn't one of my most successful text-ins. I rather liked it. It wasn't one of my most successful text-ins. I rather liked it. It was things like, well, Frank, as you may recall, did wear a Calvin Classic. Were they called Calvin Classics, Frank?

Yeah, Calvin Classics, which were trying to intimate that they were made by the Klein Company, but they really weren't. It was a con. That reminded me, actually. Do you remember Calvin Klein's daughter said, can you imagine what a nightmare it is for me, dating guys, every time I get into the bedroom and I have to see my dad's name?

Oh, yeah. God, that's a thought, isn't it? Oh, wow. She didn't like it. Grandma Superstar. Ew, that's even worse for me, because my mother was called Anne Somers. Anyway, not really.

I like the half-hearted, not me. You're a five-year-old. Yeah, I don't want the Somers family saying, oh, yes, I remember your mother. The Golds, I believe, yeah. In Brent Cross, the well-known North London shopping centre, there is an Anne Somers store directly next door to a Victoria's Secret.

And as you approach it, you have to decide whether you're going high or low. It's a fabulous choice to make. But it's like some sort of sleaze corner there. But yeah. You should know that,

Steve. Steve's got a door there. I'm actually banned from both. Steve's got a bravissimo outlet. Poor Steve. Oh, poor Steve. He's actually a lovely bloke.

I know. Frank, we took a detour into Brent Cross. Yes, I don't know how that happened. And the sleaze corner, as you personally said. Well, you Calvin Klein, and then that triggered off another thing. Don't abuse me for that. We never found out. Calvin Klein, of course, was the man who invented my brown envelope.

I beg your pardon. Well, when someone makes tea for me, they say, oh, do you like it? And I always say brown envelope, which means I wanted the colour of a brown envelope. Some call it manila, I feel. But anyway, so I always say brown envelope. I feel but anyway so I always say brown envelope

and it comes from I heard that Calvin Klein had two enormous colour charts in his HQ one in the kitchen and one in his office

and he would a runner would come in he'd say I need a coffee is he American? I need a coffee maybe 17

and then the runner would go to the kitchen and match it Is he American? I need a coffee. Maybe 17? And then the runner would go to the kitchen and match it, when he made the coffee, match it up exactly with 17 and bring it back. That's a great Pantone in the kitchen. Pardon? Is it Pantone? Pantone in the kitchen, I know. Is it Pantone?

Yeah, the Pantone colour chart, Frank. Oh, Pantone. I thought you said Panto in the kitchen. I thought, what are you talking about, Pantone? No, that's more your career. Exactly. It's behind you. Frank, Grammar Superstar, please may we return. Yes, well, I'd love to know what they've got to say. Okay, it was on the subject of copyright infringement, as I say, and Grammar Superstar... Because my favourite copyright infringement is, like, And Grandma Superstars.

Because my favourite copyright infringement is like those hand-done paintings of Disney characters at the fair. Like when I saw one with Mickey Mouse that got a red nose. It obviously had some sort of Rudolph confusion going on. But if ever one of the lawyers is over here from Disney and thinks, you know what? Look at that old quaint English fairground, I'll go, what?

Yeah, anyway, so that's my favourite. George Michael and the Aviators. It's not a fairground without that. No, no, no. Paulie realised George Michael and Aviators. Exactly. Anyway, Grandma Superstar says, I was driving whilst you're... There's sunglasses, by the way.

Yeah. Whilst your... Frank. I was driving whilst your show was on yesterday. You know what we mean by yesterday. This was sometime in the past. So I couldn't tweet this at the time. Word of...

Frank. Sorry. Will you let me finish Grandma Superstar? We're not getting to Brian Ferry can I just do a very quick hard ride it's going to fall

oh my did I what you been man you had

had you been really good had okay I've done it now I've done it

oh Maxwell right Grammar Superstar come on Grammar keep going Grammar we're going to get there Oh, Maxwell. Right. Come on, Grandma. Keep going, Grandma. We're going to get there. The best copyright infringement I have ever seen was this incredible Paw Patrol copy in Spain recently.

She has enclosed a photo, or he, of a mug. I believe it's a mug, Steve. Yes. Or is it some sort of receptacle anyway and it's really poorly realised versions of the dogs

so upon and it says canine squad ah nice I mean I'm going to give it 10 out of 10 on the Dixie Fried Chicken ranking scale

I think we can put it on our social thing. Yes, so canine squad needs to be seen. Is it just a picture of the paw patrol or have they been dabbled with? Steve, this is more your area. They look like they've been slightly dabbled with, I think. They always do, though.

That's why I find this show so unsettling. Frank's Couch Gimmons They always do, though. That's why I find the show so unsettling. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Steve Hall. We're not live, so don't text us. I can't tell you why we're not live, but I can tell you, but you wouldn't be interested. You can still, however, live as you like, follow us on X, as it's now known.

Oh, I hate it. And what was the thing the post office changed its name to? Oh, yes. Consignia. Oh, that was awful. So you can follow us on, not on Consignia, or on Norwich Union became... Aviva.

Aviva, yeah, he's very good. He's very good at the renames. Abbey National. I wouldn't back with them. Santander. Santander Greaves. They went a bit flamenco, didn't they? They did, yeah.

They went a bit, ooh. Anyway, you can... Yeah, started clicking their heels a bit in Abbey National. Anyway, you can follow us on X and Instagram at frankontheradio. Email via frank at absoluteradio.co.uk. I quite like the name changing as a subject. Yeah. If any readers could send us any.

I... But not by text. No. Oh, no. Not live. Shall we return to previous correspondence we've had in? What, as a dog returns to its... No, no, I can't say that on Breakfast Radio. What about as a dog returns to its woodland pod?

Oh, yes. Very nice. Yes. On Breakfast Radio. What about as a dog returns to its woodland pod? Oh, yes. Very nice. Very nice. Yes. Yes, we've heard from Daniel Knight, who has emailed the show. He said, is it just me who didn't know this, or have I stumbled on a big mo?

I should explain briefly that a big mo is a thing that you think you've found out some really exclusive knowledge, and really most people know it. It's a bit guess what, everyone. It comes from the fact that the woman who played Big Mo in EastEnders was Gary Oldman's sister, and it was a really unusual fact, but everyone seemed to say it whenever they were met. Everyone would tell you this as if it was breaking news yes

and there were two stages to the Big Mo because there was that and then there's the other detail that her her stage name Layla Morse was given to her

by Gary Oldman's then Paramore and apparently everyone knows that as well so there are layers I didn't know that we didn't know that don't try and bring that

into the Big Mo well there we go so I've got this is I think slightly slightly smaller, Mo. Smaller. Little Mo, indeed. She's like a set of babushka dolls. Is that what they're called?

Yeah. She's the small one. I thought this had been talked about on the show before. Leila Morse is an anagram of Mia Sorella, which translates as my sister. And Isabella Rossellini, who I think had gone out with Gary Oldman, called her that.

Wow. That's where she took her stage control. I didn't know that. Good knowledge, Steve Hall. Quite deep Googling knowledge. Oh, I've always assumed that was another layer to the Big Mo cake. No, I didn't.

That lasts very long. Frank. She's got a lot on her plate. Not many leftovers. Anyway, Daniel Knight's potential Big Mo. He says, apparently, Jason Statham represented

England at the 1990 Commonwealth Games. In the diving. Yeah, it's a bit frightening. Yeah, it's a really well-known. I think you are the verdict giver on this. No, I mean, yes, I think everybody is. It's a big one.

He's provided a picture of Jason in the diving. No, I believe him. It's not unpleasant to look at, I'm not complaining. No, I mean mean he's a very striking individual yes because I believe didn't Gabby

Gabby Logan I think possibly even in the same Commonwealth Games careful if you're about to say something she was also competed in the

I think she did gymnastics was Gabby Gabby was a gymnast she was a what do they call it when you twirl when you twirl like bits of paper on a stick.

It was that kind of gymnastics. Ribbon gymnastics. Oh, no, there's another name for it. Silly gymnastics. Hey, yay. That's what it's called. Yeah, she represented Wales at silly gymnastics. Gabby listens to this show every week.

But I'm sure she'll acknowledge that there is something, let's say, slightly ludicrous about the nature of that. Oh, we'll soon find out. Don't get me wrong, she was very good at it. I love Gabby Logan,

et cetera, et cetera. Is that enough? Sorry, I've got my solicitor with me. I'm just saying as well, it's less the legal side, it's more that Kenny, he's a big unit. No, he is a big...

He's not a eunuch, is he? Sorry, Gabby. I never knew. God, that is a big eunuch. No, he's a big... He's not a eunuch, is he? Sorry, Gabby. I never knew. God, that is a big bow and a half. Of course he's a eunuch. I don't know if you knew that. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So, we're in the realm.

I'm going to hit it again if I can find it. Here we go. Previously on this show. Very nice. Why? Yeah, you say that. It troubles me slightly, that jingle, because I do sound a bit like I'm on CB radio in the 80s.

No, but that's okay, because the accompanying music reminds sound a bit like I'm on CB radio in the 80s. No, but that's okay, because the accompanying music reminds me a bit of the Humphrey Hombridge section of Vision On, which was a programme, it's an arts programme, it was very popular and also... Was it Tony Hawk? Very much catered for deaf children, which there wasn't enough of that kind of stuff then.

But there was a tortoise. Would you call it a tortoise or a tortoise? Tortoise. So there was a tortoise called Humphrey Hombrage and it used to come on and the music would go... HE HUMS Just move about a bit and that would be another feature, Don. I think the music sounds quite June, Terry and June.

Oh, yeah. June! Yes. Yeah. An episode when the boss is coming round, perhaps. I mean, that was every episode. And someone's just sat on the boss's hat and there's a... And then there's sort of...

I remember there was a very good... And the boss always wore a hat. A bowler hat. This is a 70s sitcom, by the way, we're talking about. And Terry Scott and June Laverick, was he? Lovely work, Frank. Well, June Whitfield was the actor's name. Yes, yes.

June Laverick was someone else, I think. And there was a very fine episode, a great comic idea, where the local paper had got the face of some criminal on it. It looked exactly like Terry. So he went to the police station and he said, you've got to change this identikit. People are stopping me in the street. How did he say it?

He wouldn't say it. It's a culture. And a no-no, sir. It was all that sort of stuff. And then he said, I need to speak to the policeman. He said, have you got someone here who drew it? Is he a constable or something?

And he said, oh, I don't think he's that good, sir. Very fine joke. That one will get through the writing process now. No, because someone has said, oh, no one knows who a constable is now. No one's heard has said, oh, no-one knows who Constable is now. No-one's heard of that. No, you can't do that. Can you do a social media joke instead, they'd say.

Well, let's find out on TikTok. OK, so let's return to previously. OK. Tony has got in touch. Oh, yeah. Lady. I don't want an ice cream. A lady called Tony.

OK, OK. With an I don't want an ice cream. A lady called Tony. Okay, okay. With an I. Yes. Braxton-esque. Who's the most famous Tony with an I? Braxton. Oh, would you say? Oh, yeah.

Who else is there? Well, that Australian actress who... Toni Collette. Yes. Oh, yes. I mean, the fact that I've had to call her the Australian actress proves that you were in fact right. Toni Collette. I've got an idea. I've had to call her the Australian actress proves that you were in fact right. Toni Collette.

I've got an idea I might have seen Toni Collette in Guys and Dolls. She was also in a film made by a good friend of ours, Maureen O'Banks. Was she really? OK. Well, hush my mouth. Toni has got in touch. Do you remember we were discussing chat-up lines on the show?

Yes, yes. And there was one, your memory for punchlines will be much better than mine but there was one about boyfriend material and a shirt do you like you know what this shirt is made of it's marriage material that's what it was probably the and there were six in their top 25 that were worse than that, according to their rating system. Shall we save this to hear what Tony's got to say? Oh, yes, because Tony has been on the receiving end of this. Has she? Who are you picturing, Tony?

I've got good vibes about Tony. I'm thinking Kate Jackson from Charlie's Angels. That's what I'm saying. I'm thinking a more young Ruby Wax. Oh, okay. Well, I don't know that well. Looking like Bronwyn from Neighbours. Bronwyn.

Very good reference. Made it a bit creepy, Stu. That's his brand. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I saw a fabulous interview with Judy Garland and she said that she was staying in some holiday home and Marlene Dietrich was staying nearby and she came round and said could I play you some of my acetates?

I want you to help me with your advice on my new album. And she was doing a live album, Marlena, and she played them audience applause and cheering. There was no music on it at all. She just asked them what she thought was the best responses. Can you imagine Judy Garland having to listen to Marlena Dietrich's applause and pick her favourites? I suspect she was quite a high-maintenance friend.

Can you imagine being a bit, oh, Marlena's coming over tonight? Oh, no. Andanita lamp! She famously, apparently, Lena's coming over tonight. Oh, no. Underneath the lamp. She famously, apparently, would go on set and she said famously to her director, this lighting is completely wrong. And she started saying, that needs to be. And then she turned to him and said,

do you want my cheekbones or not? I'm in my version. That's quite amazing. To be too needy for Judy Garland is pretty impressive. So, may we return to Tony? I think, did Gaydar Radio actually come in then? Break into our... You know the way, like, evil villains

break into television coverage on sci-fi films. Anyway. May we return to Tony? Oh, yes, Tony, who's been chatted up. Who's been chatted up. We were talking about famous Tonys. You went for... I went for

Braxton. I went for Colette, and you went for... And I've just remembered Tony Basil. I think if I remembered her off air and you're now taking credit for that. Oh, I think Steve remembered that. I said, oh, Mickey, you're so far. I provided the surname.

Oh, come on, guys. It was a bit petty of me. You gave the assist. I got the goal. I love that. I see my role as Dennis Bergkamp. And I added an American touch to it by thinking of her as Tony Basil. Yes. So, Tony was talking about this.

Was it boyfriend material, Frank? Marriage material. Marriage material. So Tony says that regarding husband material as a chat-up line, the chat-up line is similar, but the delivery differs in terms of how she's experienced it. Ordinarily, the person chatting up would touch the hem of their shirt and say, feel that?

And then when you do, they say, you know what that's made of? Boyfriend material. So they go for boyfriend. Oh, that's better, isn't it? Although I can't imagine any circumstance in which I would feel that. So they'd never get to the punchline. But if you go, feel that, no.

I mean, the idea of a man walking up to you saying, feel that. Exactly. Tony continues, I've actually experienced this line twice. Oh. And both... Oh, fancies herself, Tony. And both... She calls them, which I like, instantly warm to Tony when I saw this bit.

And both performers of it worked in maintenance for TFL, Transport for London. Really? I think they must have chat-up line seminars promoting this line. Yeah, maybe they're given out. Maybe it's written on the pay packets. I mean, did they have high-vis tabards on when they said, feel this? Because it's when they say the husband material line, I don't think it would be quite as effective

if it's a TFL high-vis tabard. No, exactly. And also, poor Tony never got chatted up at all during the train strikes. Oh, awful. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We were talking about chat-up lines. I'd listened to the original broadcast

when you were first chatting about chat-up lines, and my wife was listening with me, and so I was saying to her... Awkward. Were there any... Had she ever heard a chat-up line that she thought was good or that had made her laugh? She said there was one where, this is obviously done as a joke,

but it made her laugh sufficiently that she had a drink with the bloke. And the chat-up line was, girl, are you a beaver? Because damn. I don't like girl, are you a beaver? And it's obvious. I don't like that. And obviously I don't like damn. So what we're saying is we're out.

It's a no on both accounts. My wife will have to retract the drink from 20 years ago. What I would say about it is you've really got to deliver that right, haven't you? Because, damn, you've got to deliver a dot, dot, dot, if you know what I mean. Yes, yeah, yeah. You've got to deliver a dot, dot, dot, if you know what I mean. Yes, yeah, yeah. I think the cleverest I've had was a gentleman approaching me saying,

look, I'm not going to benefit from this at all. I have no agenda here because I'm actually married. And he waved the ring. And then he went on to compliment me and say, I just needed you to know I think you're very beautiful. And he said, that's all. And then, of course, he went and sat down and I could think of nothing else but the man. Clever.

I left it there. He didn't come back ten minutes later and go, I've just got divorced. That is a good line, though. Yeah, but what does one gain from that chat up like well i think what he was hoping for is that you'd go over was that i'd start a conversation i don't even know if that was a genuine wedding ring who knows i know when i was at um warwick university um because i was an MA, I stayed over in the summer holidays, working and the Open University summer camp used to be there and the thing we used to

look out for is the pale circle around the wedding finger where the wedding ring had been removed for summer camp Oh man Open University indeed for summer camp. Oh, man. Open university, indeed. Oh, my.

Anyway. What else? What else, Doctor? Yeah? We have, we've heard, I think we should continue catching up on some of our reader correspondence. Yes, I think it's a rich vein.

Okay. So, I think it's a rich vein. OK, so we have... Someone has got in touch about the Rubik's Cube, which we were discussing, Steve. Yes, now, I mentioned a few weeks ago that I was watching Channel 5. Is it called Channel 5 still? Anyway... I bet they've called it C5.

No, it was 5 at one point, if you remember. They dropped the channel. There's too many 5s. 5 Live. Anyway, there was a documentary about most popular toys, and it was based on sales. And to my surprise, the Rubik's Cube had something like 340 million sales. Unbelievable. And was actually, officially,

the most popular children's tie. And as I pointed out, it's far too much like hard work. It blurs the margin between play and proper, unpleasant hard work. Yeah, I would agree with that. Well, we've heard from Nick in Chalfont St Peter. Oh, that sounds quite

ecclesiastical, doesn't he? Yeah, there's a Chalfont St Giles as well, isn't there? He's St Peter, the other one. But I remember Arthur Daly used to say, I can't ride a bike, Terry, I've got a case of the Chalfonts. So I think that

was St Giles he was using as a rhyming slang. Well, Nick says, Dear Frank, Emily and Pierre, sorry, Steve. It's all good. Listening to Pierre's hypothesis that only 1% of Rubik's Cubes ever get solved, I happen to have a data point to back that up. Okay, well, let's leave it there because we're coming to a natural break and I do love a cliffhanger, especially if it's based

on a data point. That reminds me, did we hear anything about the sugar factory? We had a few comments. We had a few comments. It smells so rank was one of the comments. It smells so rank was one of the comments

We're sure that was about the sugar factory To the tune of Hurt So Good that song Well Raimondo has said it smells so rank I went for a school tour, it was awful Surely a visit of the Abbey would be more preferable Well I went to the Abbey but there's something about a sign that says

Sugar Factory that is so enticing. I mean, we've also had Lovie has got in touch. Oh, one of my family friends. I did a tour of this factory, work related. Companies like this often have an open day for the general public. It's interesting, and the logistics

with all of the sugar beet trucks coming in is something else. Something else. A lot is hidden in pipes and vessels, so I'm afraid it's limited what you can actually see. Oh, I see. I don't want to be imagining the innards of pipes and vessels. That's not my idea of a diet.

I'd rather do a Rubik's Cube. Well, I'm very glad you got us back onto that topic. What a segue that was. What a pro. No, someone's just gone past on a segue. Piers Morgan, careful, Piers. I think it was Lambie. Oh, Piers.

Anyway. Who was Piers? Did Piers? Piers? I can't remember his name now. He fell off, didn't he? He was the one that injured himself, Piers Morgan. Oh, did he?

Terrible injury. Fell off a Segway. Anyway, Nick in Chalfont St Peter, you may recall, was telling us that he had data. Oh, yeah, a data point. To back up Piers' hypothesis that only 1% of Rubik's cubes ever get solved. Nick continues, at my son's

school, Rubik's mania has swept the school this term. No idea if it's a nationwide thing or a local chalfont phenomenon. Out of this school year of around 90 kids... No, in my kids' school, it's prime. The slightly

expensive soft drink. Oh, yes. It would seem only one can actually solve them. You'd think this would spoil their fun. But said gifted child, not mine, apparently sits at a bench every playtime and solves all the puzzles the other kids have mixed up. They love it.

I don't know if it's the future that Erno Rubik would have envisaged, though it's still probably progress versus my recollection of playtimes 35 years ago when activities involved dipping a stick in some dog mess we found on the field. I've got to say, if I had to choose, the idea of this kid...

This kid sounds a bit like Solitaire in that James Bond film, kept as a sort of a slave for their special powers. It's a bit sort of the Oracle at Delphi. I know, yeah. I think that would be a good text-in, when we do text-ins again on the next show,

of the most bought things that aren't used much. Oh, that's good, yes. It'd be A Brief History of time by Stephen Hawking and Rubik's cubes. And also those clogs I nearly bought in Amsterdam. If I'd bought those and I was going to get some for me and some for Kat and some for boss, would we have ever worn them?

They'd just be on the side now with, like, coins in them. Keys and batteries in them. They'd just be on the side now with like coins in them. Keys and batteries in them. And a needle threader with a picture of a Greek god on it. Oh my goodness. Anyway, look that is the end of that as they

say. Steve, it's always such a joy to have you on. Thank you so much for joining us. On Wednesday, episode two of Frank Skinner's Poetry Podcast is out and it's Don Patterson this week now you might think I haven't heard of Don Patterson well he's a contemporary poet

who is brilliant so I would suggest you have a listen he really likes films that begin with rain. That's all I'm saying about this poem. And you can download Frank Skinner's Poetry Podcast from wherever you get your podcasts.

Look, thank you so much for listening this morning. I'm sorry you couldn't text him, but do so in future. And as you've learned today, if you want to email us or X us about anything, we will talk about it in the future. So if the good Lord spares us and the creeks don't rise, we'll be back again this time next week. Now get out.