The Frank Skinner Show - Skinnellie

Episode Date: August 12, 2023

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. The Radio Academy Award winning gang bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. This week the team are in Edinburgh! Frank has been missing his dog and been to see some shows at the Fringe. The gang also discuss the Strictly line-up, Wilko and an Absolute Radio bath!

This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner with bulbs. I have Emily Dean and Pierre Novelli with me. You can text the show on 8-12-25. Is that right? No, that's not true. My God. 8-12, 15. I just thought maybe it was 25 because we're in Scotland. Dialing code change. Oh, man.

Follow the show on X and Instagram, Frank on the radio. What do you call it? The radio. And if you had like text, C fax underneath. And this is the worst I've ever done. I feel I've been let down in every corner. Email the show via

frank at absoluteradio.co.uk I'd stick with that if I was you. The rest is open to interpretation. Oh anyway we are in Edinburgh. Come on now everybody. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. Riva, riva. Come on, everybody!

So, oh God, I can smell the brewery. And that's just on my fellow presenters. I was going to say, that's Pierre, not me. I had no idea that was going to happen. When I hear that music, I think of a brooch. Because you don't often see a brooch, Frank. But I think of a brooch attached to... I think it's important to keep it real. R-double-E-L.

Oh, no, it's great, that. It's called the Earl of Errol's Real. Lovely, that's keeping it real yeah i think so yeah so yeah we're in edinburgh and um i got the train i've been here ages p has been here ages a thousand years or so yes indeed and um i tell you what i did i came up on the train and it was packed and i had to listen to my show because I hadn't done my show for about a month so I had to listen to it

to remind myself of all the nuance and the finesse and I started listening to it and I started really laughing at it on the train Oh my god, at your own show?

And I knew what was coming. There was one or two bits. I'd done a few improv bits on the show. I mean, very good. Very good work. I respect your honesty. You were telling us only this morning that your Terry had something to say

on the subject of people that looked in the mirror. My oldest brother, Terry, who's a very handsome young man, would look in the mirror and say, when he was a teenager, I look amazing. And my mum would say, that's very vain. Not that she ever talked like that. That was my mum. Oh, yeah, sorry, your mum would say that.

And he said, he used to say this quite a lot, it's for people that look in the mirror and say nothing that you want to worry about. Because it's all going on dark and sinister under the surface. Or a vampire. Yeah, yeah. But I would say that same principle would apply, surely, to laughing at your own material.

At least you're being honest about it. Exactly. I worked with the Chippendales once when I was in the furniture business. No, I mean the exotic male dancers. Yeah. Exactly. And they were in the green room after

and they just, they had black trousers on and they just had their shirt cuffs and their collar with dickie bows and the rest was all flesh. And they were really staring at me and I was worried I might not get home in one piece. I don't know whether I'd alienated the Chippendales, but then I realised I was standing with my back to the mirror

and they weren't looking at me at all, but they could not keep their... And I thought, fair enough, if I was in here with just my collar and my cuffs, I'd probably be looking at myself in the mirror and thinking, but we're all different. We are all different. First thing I did when I got to Edinburgh, I went to see Greyfriars Bobby.

Oh, lovely. Greyfriars Bobby, in case you don't know, is the little statue of a dog who used to lie on his master's grave in an act of tremendous loyalty. Absolute radio. Yeah. Nice one for the hurricane weekend.

So it's become a thing, which I don't think was a tradition in Edinburgh when I used to come up in thou days, of robbing his muzzle for good luck. Not Harry Kane's, Grave Fryer's. Although there are some doing that, I imagine. Yeah, exactly. And they've took all the dirt off him.

It's all shiny and golden on his nose. It looks like he's been... I wondered what was going on with that nose. I saw it for miles away. Yeah, it looks a bit like... Remember when Billie Eilish had those yellow highlights in the black hair? It's a bit of that. Or as if Bobby's living on the custard diet.

It looks like the dog's gotten into the gold bin. Yeah, it's very... I'm going to put a picture on our social media of Bobby's... That hot content coming up. Yeah, well... I do think with Greyfriars... Bobby's muzzle highlights,

as I like to call them. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Are the announcements done now for Strictly? Have they got a full squad? Oh, yeah. That's why Les Dennis is trending. Oh, Les Dennis, he was the ace in the hand that they played last. Annabelle Croft.

Fabulous. Krishnan. Guru Murphy, he's in it. Yeah, let's not go through them all. I'm just giving you three of my favourites. No, OK. I wasn't going to tell you all of them. I'm just relieved I've escaped it for another year.

I don't know if people are asked. I think they're just nominated. You would be very good on it. No, I'd be terrible. I can't dance and I cannot smile like an idiot in the background when other people have been interviewed. It's just a thing I can't do and you have to do that. Some very bright people have to

stand at the back, very upright in posture, grinning. Yeah. Do you think that they'd let you get away with sort of silently leafing through a sort of poetry pamphlet? No. No. There's no, that's just it, there's no escape. And you have to do, although every week you have to say

how much your dancing partner means to you in some other way from what you said it the week before. Those are the things, the actual dancing is not... The sincerity is the, because it's the, I'll tell you what I wouldn't like, is the bit where you come down the stairs and it goes... What when you have to run up the stairs

all excited after a dance and all that? I mean, I know I'd be looking at the stairs thinking, oh, stairs. And a very tight shirt and high-waisted pants. Imagine me very slowly going up the stairs on a stairlift. That would be the funniest. Yeah. Beep. And then just...

Da-da-da-da-da-da-da. Me going up the stairs on... Taking long enough that they have to loop the theme tune a few times. I mean, God bless. I love the programme, but it's just that... It's terrible indignity, I think. Yeah.

Yeah. Anyway, that's that sorted good luck everyone I went and saw a sort of a one man play the other day

called Liars a Japanese man and it's all done behind a curtain and you know when you go and see something and you think oh it's going to be

all experimental and when it started I just had absolutely no idea what was going on I mean really just there's a man standing there barefoot behind a thin curtain and he was going mugs

mugs mugs and I thought maybe it's about arriving in Edinburgh and trying to find stuff in your flat. You know, you walk around going, mugs, mugs. And about 45 minutes into the play, I realised that's not what he was saying.

Which has made it even more complicated. But it was brilliant because I sat there at the beginning thinking, this means nothing to me. I can't make head or tail of it. And then it had a sort of a Abba voyage element when he was then projected onto the curtain and he was acting behind it as another character. Oh, he put a twist on it.

And then it started to make sense. You know that moment when you're watching something like in Usual Suspects where you have your moment and I had to stop myself from going Oh! You know, because you don't want to do that out loud. But it was

really tempting. He's calling the audience mugs. Oh, it was. was really tempting calling the audience mugs oh it was maybe what if we're the mugs it was it was so satisfying though when i started to work it out and then i looked around at the others thinking you haven't worked it out yet i could tell from your expression you have you have yet to work it I look forward to you working it out, but it's going to be well down the road of this play before you get there. I actually asked a woman outside when she'd worked it out what was going on. Did you? Yeah.

I wish I'd made a note of exactly when I'd worked it out, but I didn't. But I'd recommend Layers. It was great. And I like it when you congratulate yourself. Like when you're watching a detective show and you think, oh, I know who did it now. It's a brilliant feeling. Back me up on this, guys. It's a brilliant feeling, but the fez was being waved and we have people who are big fans of the fez

in this part of the world. Yes, but I think up here, Sarah should have brought a Tam O'Shanta. That's my feeling. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I'll tell you what's been lovely about being up in Edinburgh is that David Baddiel is also up in Edinburgh.

And even though we live in the same road, I've seen much more of him. How lovely.. And even though we live in the same road, I've seen much more of him. How lovely. Yeah, we don't live in the same road. He's currently here. Yeah, he's doing his show about his books, Jews Don't Count and The God Desire. I went and saw that.

That was very fine, but I couldn't ask any questions because I thought it was impertinent for me to get involved so I went out for lunch with him after and grilled him for about an hour and a half so that was great we went for a meal

and this is bad because there was only one table left in the vegan restaurant we went to and it was in the window. It was literally me and him sitting in the window. Norman Rockwell painting. It's not a very loaded cover.

Yeah, it looked like a very, very low red light area. Me and Dave sitting in the window. If they'd ever done that on Last of the Summer Wine, that's what it would have looked like. Anyway, Dave kept sort of waving, acknowledging people who'd seen him. And nobody acknowledged or waved to me. And after a bit, I started to think that nobody was actually,

because it was over my shoulder I thought Dave was just pretending that people were acknowledging it and he was there going oh hi and I thought there's no no one's doing this you're just trying to make me look rubbish and then when we got in there is a big sign that said cash only I said oh god I've only got 15 quid he said it won't be more than 30 don't worry it'll be fine and then at the end it was 44 quid a meal so David paid for it

and he said to me I gave him my 15 quid and he said well you've done pretty well out of this and I said I told it's a real terrible I told you I'd only got 15 quid from the beginning. And it was like we were leaving after some difficult divorce settlement.

I like that you've done pretty well after this. I know, exactly. A cunning vegan restaurant scheme. Oh, man. It must be the busiest time for them. What, for the vegans? I thought you were going to say for Badil and Skinner.

It was busy. Frank, I went to a show yesterday which I thought would really appeal to you because it's a puppet show. I've already done two puppet shows. Have you done two puppets? Do you know we love puppet shows?

I've learned to learn, because... Can I say I dragged Pierre to one? Which puppet show did you see without me? Well, it was... This was South African themed, and I thought, who would I like to watch this with? And then I phoned Pierre and I said, do you know the...

And I did the pronunciation. There's a J.M. Goethe novel that's been turned into a poppy show. Yeah. The Life of Michael Kay. Yeah, The Life of Michael Kay. It's all about Michael Keaton who played Batman. Oh, I believed that.

And about the terrible hair anxiety. Do you remember I used to say that about him? He was one of those blokes who's going bald at the front, but he'd boo font. Very pointy lips as well. But it always looked like the whole thing could collapse at any moment, the front of his hair. Yes.

I used to watch him and think, what you need is a couple of good supportive struts underneath that. Yes, there was a souffle aspect to it. So when he was offered Batman, he must have been relieved that he got to wear that cowl. He could just let the whole thing lie flat and desolate. Oh, beautiful. Anyway, we will find out about what Emily saw.

Oh, now this. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank, let me tell you about the puppet show. Please. It was called Bill's 44th. Right. And, I mean, it had me at the concert, because it is a man alone on his 44th, man slash puppet.

Yeah. Celebrating in, I should put that in marks because he's depressed, he's on his own, he's sitting in his flat. And it had two people operating it, you know, in black trousers and black tops. Oh, I love that. Do you like that?

I love that. See, in Michael Cary, they were just there. I know, we had the Black Polar Net Brigade. Oh God, that reminds me of when I was a kid. I loved that. You'd be watching something like Sunday night at the London Palladium and now all the way from Bratislava

and then it would be a puppet thing. And as a kid, I'd watch these puppets and at the end, these blokes would take their, or a bloke and a woman used to, would take their hoods off and you'd go, where the? Where the? And they were just suddenly there.

Emerging. They didn't bother with that in their life. No, these had the black polo knits, black, slightly strutly come dancing, high-waisted trouser. Oh, yeah. Man and a woman. Always.

The show itself, brilliant, highly recommend, exceptionally funny and quite moving in parts. However, what I do not recommend is the audience member who chose to sit next to me, a latecomer, an American. He said, can I grab this? What could possibly go wrong? What was he asking? The chair next to me. this? What could possibly go wrong? What was he asking? The chair next to me.

Thank goodness. What could go wrong? He looked fine. That was a guy, okay. Yeah, maybe looked like he'd imbibed a bit, but, you know, a lot of people have at this festival. He sat next to me. Within 30 seconds, Frank, I thought, oh, Lord, what have I done?

30 seconds, Frank, I thought, oh Lord, what have I done? He starts heckling the puppets, encouraging them. He says, yeah! Come on! Yeah! That's it! Like it!

Oh my Lord. This went on and on and on. This is a very American thing is it but he kept going yeah and then he said

that's what I'm talking about yeah in the puppet show right I walked out after 37 minutes oh no

and I loved Bill's 44th I want to go on record we never got to you only got to his 37th I want to go on record could you never got to it. You only got to his 37th.

I want to go on record and say... Could you not have moved to another seat? There was nowhere in that room that was safe from him. Imagine what they

were like under their black hoods. Scowling. Shut it. It just was relentless. Oh, no. I suppose, you

know, enthusiasm's a lovely thing. Oh, not this, Frank. Can you imagine? You're trying to, innocently watching a puppet show, and that man is going, yeah, come on, baby, yeah. I left after 37 minutes. I didn't want to upset him because it wasn't his fault.

Why not? I don't know, Frank. I went very British and I lied. So I said, I don't feel very well. And he said, oh, I went very British and I lied. So I said, I don't feel very well. And he said, oh, I'm sorry. And I left 37 minutes because of him. So as you say, I got to Bill's 37th. Yeah.

It was a great show. See, when I sat down at the Life and Times of Michael Kay, which I have to say, he's brilliant. Life of Michael Kay. Sorry, wasn't it The Life and Times? The Life of. Oh, I've added some times. He did have some times, though.

We saw them. Yeah, it was brilliant. I tell you what it's done by. It's done by the people who did War Horse. Yeah. So the puppetry is through the ceiling quality. But when I sat down, I said to the woman next to me, is this any one seat?

And then I said to the bloke behind, am I all right sitting here in front of you? Am I too tall? And the woman next to me said, you're very polite. And I said, I'm English, I'm afraid. I'm stuck with it. And I don't know if she took that as some sort of slight or not. Did she go, yeah, come on.

She went, no. Yeah, baby. No, George. King George and trying to tell us what to do. Tea in bay. Life of Michael Kay. Put the tea in the bay. Life of Michael Kay was also moving in parts,

if only because it was a puppet show. It had moving parts. It was two hours, which some because it was a puppet show. It had moving parts. Certainly. Yeah, it was two hours, which some people said was long. It didn't feel like it at all. And also, I thought, if you read the novel, that's going to be more than two hours. So you're still in profit, time-wise, at the end of it, if that's how you want

to analyse your theatre. But it was great. I really felt for the human beings in it, because I thought, oh, shut up now. Let the poppet talk. That's what I was saying next to that bloke. Yeah. I haven't come here for the flesh and blood.

I've come here for the wood. Oh, dear. Oh, sorry, everyone. Can we do that again? Oh, live. I had no idea. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio.

I had no idea. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Regarding your experience with the encouraging American. Encouraging's kind. Well, he was encouraging the puppets. It sounds quite Graham Greene novel that, doesn't it? The encouraging American. The encouraging American, it does, yeah.

A friend of mine was part of a sort of Shakespeare troupe that went on a tour of the US. And he said that what was quite, like, in a way authentic, but very disruptive, because it only performed in front of, you know, the most sort of pro-Shakespeare nerds in England, was that the Americans would be like that. They'd sort of, wow! Really?

And then, boo! Yes! About Lady Macbeth. You know, someone would lie or deceive or, you know, taming of the shrew. They'd insult each other. Oh, no, he didn't! And they'd be sort of... No.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. To be or not to be. Here we go! Yeah, yeah, yeah. Here it comes! Tell me about the slings and arrows! They would sort of heckle. And they did one big theatre where

are you talking about people who are about between one and three years old no this man last night grown adults I mean you know I think his 44th might have come and gone but it was quite Shakespearean

in the sense of people yelling I suppose but the one theatre that was the most disruptive and I hate the idea of this with my little sounds hatred that I have. But the one theatre that was the most disruptive, and I hate the idea of this with my little sounds hatred that I have, misophonia. Enormous theatre. Like, you know, those sort of lecture halls

where they have sort of wooden tables that you could flip up in front of you. The entire sort of 200 capacity crowd were having soup and crackers. And they're sipping,

slurping their soup from spoons and eating crackers and crumbling them in slurping their soup from spoons and eating crackers and crumbling them in and what they do in Shakespeare yeah during the whole show yeah

big hot bowls of soup it's dangerous it's a different world yeah that's all I'm saying that's not all I'm saying obviously or it's going to be

I don't think I will divert my money I don't say anything else big bowl of soup in time to yell at some actors yeah Horatio you got this yeah I was I will have earned my money. Big bowl of soup and time to yell at some actors. Yeah, Horatio, you got this.

I was sitting outside a cafe with Pierre and I said, Pierre, you're a young man. What's it say on that blue plaque across the road? Be my eyes. Yes. And Pierre says, disappointingly, I will call to read that from you. So I went across the road

to have a look at it and there was a woman standing in the middle of the road giving out leaflets. There's a woman everywhere giving out leaflets and indeed a man. And when I got close, hold on, I took a photo of it

so I could show it to Pierre. It says, this house belongs to Lionel Richie. Oh, who knew? And I said to this girl who was giving out I call her girl she's probably 19 that's alright I said do you think that is I said how does Lionel Richie

the moustache Lionel Richie how does he spell his name and I said do you think that could possibly be his house and then of course I said I don't see any footprints on the ceiling. Oh!

But it has, I didn't find it. I mean, I'm assuming there's a famous Scottish man. Could it possibly be Lionel Richie, though? Well, maybe some of our absolute listeners will know. I'll put the plaque up. Does it say Lionel Richie danced on this ceiling? No it doesn't say that It just says

This house belongs to Lionel Richie Which suggests that it's not a dead person If it belongs to Hang on You can't just go around as a celebrity Declaring your property That's not what plaques are for

Perhaps he's had a lot of mail Going to the wrong house I mean I hate it when that happens Paxiform. Perhaps he's had a lot of mail going to the wrong house. I mean, I hate it when that happens. This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner. Welcome to Edinburgh.

That's where we are. Yes, this is Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio. Emily Dean, Pierre Nivelli, text the show 8-12-15, follow the show on X, and Instagram at frankontheradio. Email the show via frank at absoluteradio.co.uk. Hey, hey, follow the show on X. Can't we do something about that? Well, following the show on X.

I don't know, it sounds a bit babes or something. It sounds like we think our readers can't write. Or the website formerly known as Twitter. That could be sort of... Well, it sounds too, as I've said previously,

it's a bit, I'm waiting for your call. I don't like it. Yes. Oh, yes. I don't like it, Frank. Regarding the Lionel Richie plaque, just quickly,

Daph Anderson on Twitter, sorry, X, has absolutely nailed it. Oh, he nailed it? It's quite high. Yeah, he's tall. He said, well, why don't you knock on the door and see if he says hello?

Well, wouldn't he then say, is it me you're looking for? Do you know what? He's got an answer for everything, Lionel. We have had some... Has anyone actually explained? A few people. Derek Parrish. About the beginning of the century,

Lionel Ritchie thought he had Scottish heritage. Oh, he means this century. Oh, this century, of course. He's not that old, surely. Derivatives of Scottish spelling Ritchie, Derek says. We've had other people, haven't we, Pierre?

Have you seen this who've been in touch with other explanations? Martin. Well, what about Graham? You kick off with Martin. Martin said, The blue commemorative plaque scheme is run by Historic Environment Scotland and its website states recipients have to be dead for at least 20 years and born more than 100 years ago.

A spokesperson said it had, quote, no involvement in the placing of the Ritchie plaque. Oh. Quite a bit of judgment on that, no involvement. Rogue, um, rogue placking. I'd watch that show on Channel 4. Yeah? Would you?

Yeah. I'd love rogue placking. Rogue placking. Yeah, there's somebody saying, what's this called, Dom, that guy. Yeah, so he's been up the wall now. That could fall down any time, that plaque. Yeah.

Sir Ron Blue, is that the right blue now? And he was born 99 years ago. So let's have a look here. Chaz and David says. But does Lionel Richie have a connection with that building? You see, Graham Booth says, hold on. He doesn't say hold on. But does Lionel Richie have a connection with that building? You see, Graham Booth says, hold on. He doesn't say hold on.

I added that for Atmos. Okay. But he does say that's outside his house here in Hartlepool. So there's the same plaque is in Hartlepool. And it said it's common knowledge. He moved from here to Alabama when he was four years old. So Lionel Richie is... Is he UK born? Is he from Edinburgh then or Hartlepool?

No. 8, 12, 15? No. No. Is this all lies? Is it a hoax? Is this all lies? It's nothing to do with Lionel Richie.

Does anyone know Lionel Richie? He's from Alabama. You must know. You're very well connected, Frank. I've never met Lionel Richie, I's from Alabama. You must know. You're very well connected, Frank. I've never met Lionel Richie, I don't think. What's your closest connection? If you had to, if I literally said now, Frank, my life depends on it,

can you get a six degrees of separation for me to Lionel Richie? How close could you get? Oh, I've interviewed Donna Sommer. Do you think she knew Lionel Richie? Elton John, you know. Yeah, Elton John. Does he know Lionel? she knew Lionel Richie? Elton John, you know. Elton John. Does he know Lionel? Who knows Lionel Richie?

He's got a lot of friends in the business. This plaque is right above Pierre's gig. It is? Yes, it is. And yet it takes an old man to spot it on the wall. Is that the thumping of a broomstick I hear from Lionel Richie during my show? Yeah, exactly.

Keep it down! Thumping on the ceiling. So we don't know really what it's about. There's all sorts of theories coming thick and fast. John Scullion, it's Edinburgh. Oh, it's like the end of China. It's Chinatown. It's a joke or worse, a cult. He thinks there might be it's related oh it's like the end of China it's Chinatown it's a joke or worse

a cult he thinks there might be it's related to a cult the Lionel Richie that seems well there was a framed picture of Lionel Richie

on the steps of the National Museum of Scotland was placed there oh there's a lot of Richie related mysteries oh

I'm worried we're going to get into some terrible somebody will be saying it's to do with the stuff that comes out the back of aeroplanes. It is a spectre haunting Scotland. Yeah, exactly. And it is Lionel Richie.

I wonder if he's on the ghost tour. Can you be on it if you're alive? I have to be dead 100 years to be on the ghost tour, mate. Oh, do you? They're very strict here, aren't they? God, the recently dead, I mean, they're just kicking their heels, hanging around for some sort of recognition. It's because if you're a ghost but you're wearing modern clothes,

it's just hard to tell. Yeah, I wouldn't say Lionel Richie wore what I would call modern clothes. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank just made my heart very happy because he got out a picture of his dog and I'm always here for that and he said I just miss my dog I do miss my dog in fact what I've done there's a rug

I don't know if I should mention any male presenters. There's a rug in my flat which is a similar colour to my dog. So I folded it into a dog shape and put it on my sofa

to stop me from feeling loudly. It does look brilliant, though. Oh, does it? I might put that picture on. Have you seen the rug dog? I've seen the rug dog in a photo form. Oh, Frank, I need pics where it didn't happen.

We have to share that picture, because it does look... Frank Skinner's rug dog? I'll put it... I mean, do you need to see the dog to get the... You don't need to see the dog, do you? I don't want the dog getting kidnapped. I think rug dog is realistic on its own merits.

Are we calling it rug dog? Yeah. No, it's called Frank Skinner's rug dog. Frank. I think rug dog is realistic on its own merits. Are we calling it rug dog? Yeah. No, it's called Frank Skinner's rug dog. Frank Skinner's rug dog. That's my show next year. I'm just showing it to have a look. We will share this with you presently. It's excellent.

Frank. By the way, I've got an electric kettle for my dressing room because my one pre... People say, what's your prep before show? Do you do Alexander technique and stuff? And I have a nice cup of tea that's my thing and I've got an electric kettle

it says on the box, hey! exclamation mark let's heat things up! An American watching Shakespeare What a brilliant idea Exclamation mark. Let's heat things up. Is it an American watch from Shakespeare? What a brilliant idea. Yeah, I hadn't thought of that, but how shall I do it? Oh, hold on. What else is in this box?

Yeah, high exclamation mark gets its own line. I hate that sort of thing. Well, this is what they do. They personalise. There's a name for this, which Pierre will probably know, but it's to do with you know personification of products now. So like a fruit

a smoothie will say hi meet me I'm the health and you say I don't personalise yourself I'm going to drink you.

Oh there's that sort of comical ingredient as well when it says things like contentment. Bouncy blueberries. Oh yes. I know that.

Frank Robert Cowie has been in touch. Reticence. Reticence on the ingredients list. Yeah. Robert Cowie, Frank. Robert Cowie. Yes, has been in touch.

Robert's seen your poster on the streets of Edinburgh. Oh, yes. This is for 30 Years of Dirt. Morning, Frank and friends. When we were out and about in Edinburgh last week, my four-year-old daughter, Presley... Nice. I think you're going to approve of that.

Yeah, that's nice. ..was keen to find the posters for the shows which we were going to be seeing together. During this hunt, she asked what show my wife and I were seeing. I said it was your show, Frank. She then became desperate for us to find one of your posters too. Once found there was no stopping her, as on every subsequent spying of another of said posters,

she shouted, Frank Skinner, very loudly. Good. Although your reputation saw your run sell out before the fringe even begun, a lovely use of a form. I wasn't going to bring it up, but I am doing

extra shows on Saturday evenings. Well, Robert continues, I do hope that sales for your extra dates will have benefited from this audio advertising

as well as the traditional posters. Well. That's Robert Cowie. Very much looking forward to seeing the show on the 14th of August. Robert will be coming.

That poster was designed by my partner, Kath, and lettered by my child. He chose the font and placed the font. I did not know that. Yes. Oh, it's one of your best. So what with that and my dog rug, I don't feel too...

It's becoming a bit of a cheeky girls operation. I don't feel too desolate. Cheeky girls. The family skinner. Oh, yes. I like this. It's a travelling show. Yeah.

I was born in the middle of a travelling show. Mama used to dance for the money. They'd throw, Papa would do whatever he could. Do you remember that?

It was, I think it was Cher's first solo hit. Was it? Mm? It was, I think it was Cher's first solo hit. Was it? It's not, oh. Gypsies, I don't know if you can even say what it was called now. I was going to say, are we allowed to say? My younger sister

was obsessed with that song. Yeah? Yeah. I think, um. I think only thieves, you just called it thieves now. I think you'd have to call it thieves. Go, oh, thieves. Call us, mmm, thieves you just called it thieves now I think you'd have to call it thieves go oh thieves call us mmm thieves

yeah I think you really are struggling with that that's why we don't play it much on Absolute Radio it's never struck me before

I'm really looking forward to when thieves get cancelled and you just can't even introduce it. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We've heard from a comedy insider, I think it's fair to describe him as,

Bruce Dessau. Are you familiar with Bruce? Yes, of course. Bruce, it doesn't surprise me to hear that Bruce knows what's going on down here, up here. Is it Richie News? Yeah, okay. I love how you've familiarised yourself with it already. Richie News.

Bruce Dessau, nice to know it's still there. The plaque. It was a prank from a few fringes ago, I think. The funny thing is, if it's the one on Blair Street, it should really be a plaque about the second most famous Lionel. Who would that be? Blair. Blair, of course.

I was thinking David Baddiel, whose middle name is Lionel. Is it? Yeah. What was his mother's maiden name? Do you think if Lionel Messi's listened to this, he's thinking, um, hold it. Who are the three most famous Lionels?

Well, it's got to be Messi. Lionel? We could explain. I think we've named, I think it is Richie, Richie, Messi and Blair. Oh, what about David? Yeah, but his middle names don't count, I think it is Richie, Richie, Matthew and Blair. Oh, what about David? Yeah, but his middle names don't count, I don't think.

You can't, yeah, you can't be middle naming your way to these lists, can you? No, I mean. In this day and age? It has to be, if he was desperate for Lionel, you might put him in as a, you know, as a stopgap. Isn't there another famous actor? I can't remember who, there is one.

There'll be more. Yeah, there was Lionel Jeffries. Oh, that's it that's who I'm thinking was he in Chitty Chitty Bang Bang I think he was he was the grandad he was old bald air

and whiskers and blustery English old man imagine being described that way old bald air and whiskers I think Martin Jarvis said to me

oh no that was Donald Pleasance who was another bald man he went to see I think Martin Jarvis said to me... I love what actors say. Martin Jarvis said to me that he went to see Olivia is Othello.

Oh, dear. We didn't know. Yeah, come on! With Donald Pleasance. And at the end of it, Donald Pleasance and at the end of it Donald Pleasance said well we have seen

a great Othello but I'm not sure we have seen a good one brilliant absolutely brilliant wow

you tell him we're getting a lot of people have been very inspired by Frank Skinner's rug dog. Oh. And anyone who wasn't listening earlier, where were you? Yes, I'm missing my dog, so there's a rug in the flat that looks a bit like my dog. It folded in the correct...

It's sort of pet anxiety origami. Yeah. And a lot of people have sent in, sort of cheering you up, I guess, pictures of their dogs looking like rugs. Oh, that's... I mean, if that's what you were after, you could have come a bit closer to home, obviously. Yes.

Well, I don't want anyone wiping their feet on their dog or anything of that nature. No confusion. But it's hard, because you expect to miss your family. But like I said to you, when I first got the dog, I don't feel the love. You said, where is the love? Where is the love, yeah.

And I liked it, but I didn't feel the love. But now I feel the love. Oh, that makes me so happy. But, you know. You know what? It'll still be there when I get back, almost certainly. When they don't have hours spanned, it's no good pretending they do. But, yes, let's be optimistic.

Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Frank, I need to tell you, I went to see Pierre's show last night. Oh, yeah, it's true. I requested a warning as well. I wanted to know when you were coming. Yeah.

It's interesting, because I don't really like to know when people are in. I remember someone said to me that they'd said to Tony, Tony Adams said, if ever you want to come watch an Arsenal game, when he was playing, he said, you know, I'll sort you a couple of seats. And they said, great. He said, but don't tell me when you're coming. You think, there's like 60,000 people. Tony Adams, coy. Exactly.

Oh, Dale Barwick, you're missing Lionel Bart. Oh, yes. You are. I am, we all are. Dale Barwick you're missing Lionel Bart oh yes you are I am we all are come on shitty yourself oh mate

yes um yes I went to see Pierre last night I should say for avoidance

of doubt I have already seen Frank's show I cover both my boys I saw Frank's in London I think I gave it 11 stars, didn't I?

Yes, you saw it with Lucy Pinder, if I remember correctly. I did. And I gave it 11 stars. We all know what's been said. I don't need to add to the praise. No, let's concentrate on Nivelli. Well, guess what, Frank? I just did Nivelli last night.

The girls, the producers, they did the double. It's a bit like Barbie Oppenheimer. You know, they were calling it Barbieheimer when people were seeing both. What would this, what would be our portmanteau? Skinnelly. Skinnelly. They did the Skinnelly double.

I won't say which is Barbie, which is Oppenheimer. You be the judge. I think I'm Barbie, definitely. Yes, but I'm okay. I've learned to accept that over the years. It's beyond my ken. Oh, come on. Very nice.

Which is why you get called, consistently, can I say, craftsman comes up. What is the medieval craftsman thing? Yes, I'm actually in the comedian's guild, in which we meet at the guild hall in our aprons and talk about jokes. Sort of crossed gold microphones on our lapels. Have you noticed that, Pierre? Whenever they talk about Frank, there's a lot of the master and talk about jokes. Sort of crossed gold microphones on our lapels. Have you noticed that, Pierre?

Whenever they talk about Frank, there's a lot of the master and the craftsman. Yes. I think it's a nice way of saying old. There's a sort of aspect of the lint chocolatier sort of thing. Oh, yeah. You're the one with the lint with all that velvety where it must be covered in lint.

He was wearing it last night. I really want one of those. You know those rollers that wardrobe people use? Oh, the lint roller? Yeah, that takes it off. That's what I want to do as you walk on stage. Yeah, but he looks good in the jacket. Thank you.

I don't just want to say he looks good in the jacket. That's no good for the poster. No? The jacket is nice. You've seen it, Frank. I'm anti the velvet jacket. Do you think? Why?

I don't know. It's become some sort of talisman, I think, for Novelli. He thinks he can't work without it. Oh, for goodness sake. What would be the next best thing? Velour. Velour. It's velour. I don't really know the difference between...

I don't want to be some goddamn cagoule on stage. Velour versus velvet. I wouldn't want to the difference between... You don't want him in some goddamn cagoule on stage. For law versus velvet, I wouldn't want to have to pick those apart, as it were. Well, you've only talked about his clothes. No, I know. Can I say his show is absolutely sensational? I agree with that. I saw it and I laughed so loud

that Pierre said to me after almost in see-my-complaint mode, I could hear you laughing. I thought, well, I'm sorry about that. That reminded me when Adrian Charles came up to me on a plane and said, do you know, you're laughing really loudly and everyone's looking. I said, well, don't have comedy films on the...

LAUGHTER Joke of the Fringe? Oh, yes, I hate Joke of the Fringe. Do you? I was contacted the other day about, we'd like to put you in our Joke of the Fringe. Don't you dare. Did you?

Write your own things. When I was on the train, there was a list of the top ten jokes of the festival on the table, Matt. I hate that. I hate it. Do you? Why? Because go and see shows,

hear people delivering stuff. Don't have somebody who can't write jokes writing down other people's jokes and then getting a pat on the back from the editor. It also is generally just the first ten jokes that we found it's just

you know it's not what it's about guys I don't go out and just read from the newspaper on stage and say

here's some good writing people we've got do you think I hope this isn't awkward but it's too late I brought it up can I ask you a question do you think, I hope this isn't awkward, but it's too late, I brought it up. Can I ask you a question, by the way?

Can I ask this in a non-rude way at all? Do you do anything in bed other than sleep and private things? In what way? Could that be a normal question? Well, because I was in St St Giles Cathedral the other day, which is with Pierre Novelli, and there was a picture of Robert Louis Stevenson. And I'd forgotten about this, but Robert Louis Stevenson always wrote his stuff in bed.

Are you comparing me to Robert Louis Stevenson? No, but I'm just saying there's a picture of him sprawled out in bed. Looky likey. And I just thought, I'd never hang around when I wake up, I'm sort of out of there. But do people actually go to bed with their laptops

and stuff like that? I'm very Judy Finnegan about these things. Okay. Judy's a fan of that. Richard told me that once when I interviewed him. She works in bed.

Judy spent all day in bed if she could. She absolutely loves it. Oh no. She loves propping. She would spend all day in bed if she could. She absolutely loves it. Oh, no. She loves propping up on the pillows. I love... I will happily spend, you know, several hours... You see, you're a bit more Calvinistic about these things.

It's like showering, you know. I saw my partner shower for the first time and obviously that was exciting in many ways, but I thought, when are you going to start actually washing stuff? She just stood like, she was at a bus stop for about ten minutes

and then got out again. I thought, what, I'll do it. Have you forgotten something? We do that in the bath as well. Yeah. I mean, not together. I don't do that line in the bath thing. Yeah, the big absolute radio bath.

Yeah, exactly. Can you imagine if that was mandatory? That was part of our contract. The boss is on his way down today. But by now, we'll be discussing that We've been doing it 15 years.

Now we wouldn't even think about it. We'd just jump in there and be sitting around. If it was an essential part of the job, would you do it? Would we have to do

the absolute radio bath? We'd have a lot of content. Speak for yourself. We'd have a lot. I don't have much content. I don't even raise the level of the water when I get in the bath. A. Yeah.

And we're not going anywhere near my content. Thank you. Honestly, if we'd done it since the beginning, we wouldn't even think about it. What, the absolute radio bar? We'd just be in the bath after chatting about did you see that thing on HBO well that's what I'm worried about

who would be the most confident approach to get into the bath I think Pierre definitely do you think? and Dave Barry yeah because Pierre is you know he's all muscle and stuff who would be the least confident

I'd be very unconfident. I'm an old man, Commander. I think people would be looking at me in horror. Frank, they're going to make us do it now. What have we done? I don't think even footballers do the

communal bath anymore. I think it's gone. Who still does it? What industry? Anyone listening, 8, 12, 15, who still does the communal bath in any context, I'd love to know. I think. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio live from Edinburgh with Emily Dean and Pierre Novelli. You can text the show on 81215. Follow the show on X and Instagram at frankontheradio. I just can't get it out without it seeming like it. It will never not be funny. Email the show via consignia at aviva.com.

No, no. frankonabsoluteradio.co.uk Although we. Frank at AbsoluteRadio.co.uk. Although we were actually talking about that a lot. Were we? People changing their brand names. Yeah, it's a very interesting idea. I don't know if it's Ian. No, Ian Comacrew.

Okay. Okay? He got in touch with us recently to come up with some examples of things he didn't like. Company name changes he wasn't a fan of. Hermes parcel delivery. Hermes. That was a great... I said Hermes as in the French brand.

I should have said Hermes. It's because the French brand is pronounced Hermes. I don't think they're delivering scarves, these guys. I always get so disappointed when I hear, you have an Hermes delivery. It's like, oh, it's Hermes. Hermes, so it's now called Every. Oh. E-V-R-I.

What do you think? Oh, no. Is it sort of Every as in... By the way, I was very sad to hear that people weren't going to lose their jobs at Wilco. But I'd never heard of Wilco in my life. Had you not? No.

I completely missed Wilco and now it's gone. It's not your world. It's too late now. Yeah, I'd never heard of Wilco in my life. Had you not? No. I completely missed Wilco and now it's gone. It's not your world. It's too late now. Yeah, I've never. I thought, oh, that's terrible. They're losing their jobs. I wonder what it is that they work for. It's home repairs.

Did you ever take your builders there? Where have you been buying six plain mugs at once? He's got a personal assistant of many years standing. six plain mugs at once. He's got a personal assistant of many years standing. No, I get them from the mockery. I get them in the wild. What did you think Wilco was?

I had just never heard of it. Did you think it was Howard Wilkinson or something? I had never heard of it and now it's gone. Wow. Yeah, that was awful. I like how now it's gone

like the end of Titanic. It's a bit like, gone, gone, it never called me mother. I was about to say exactly that. Ian, crew, has also pointed out... Do you mean Ian, actual, comma? I don't know, because confusingly he says, Ian, crew, and then it says, Barry St Edmunds. You tell me, Frank Skinner.

No, that's the next Skinner no that's the next oh that's the next one oh it's very confusing oh Barry's got in touch Ian in crew I think we're right oh Ian in crew so Ian then points out he says

some government organisations also like changing their name Highways Agency to Highways England to National Highways. Really? Don't you mind up highways? I like their loyalty to highways. Yes. So we'll never

confuse you about the area we're interested in. Yeah, about the altitude of the roads we're discussing. And Bovis House Builder. I suspect Frank didn't know. Bovis isn't Bovis. Ted Bovis.

No, I remember people would say it's a bit of a Bovis home. Right, Bovis House Builder. Well, as a result, very well done you for pointing that out. Because Ian says it's sometimes when a company has a lot of adverse publicity and Bovis therefore changed their name to Vistri Group.

Vistri. Oh. V-I-S-T-R-Y. They thought it sounded a bit mysterious, a bit Merlin. I think... Yeah. It sounds like a very posh English person being disparaging about the clergy. Vistri Group.

It's been a little bit of a time in the Vistri. No, it's quite a big step, isn't it, that kind of change? It sounds a bit Harry Potter house, Vistri. I don't like Vistri. But now, because as you well know, Frank, to your great weariness, how much I like looking things up, I've looked up Wilco, because I wanted to know how reasonable it was

that you'd never come across them. No, you look up things, I think you always think, yeah, yeah, when I'm saying something, I can almost see you going, yes, yes, I'll soon forget to the facts of this. And I just, I'm not a dishonest person, but you've made me very careful about what I say. I don't know why you take my quest for truth so personally.

Well, I'll say. Listen, it's not going to kick off in the absolute bath. I'm not having you two thrashing around. That was the guy who was in The Magnificent Seven. Just to see if he was in The Magnificent Seven. A likely story. Honestly. Fact check.

My life has become fact check. It's not Robert Maxwell, fact check. But, yes? No, let's, I'll save it. Okay. He was just looking up Robert Maxwell. Yeah, let's. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

549 has got in touch. Guys, I've had the odd invite to go to parties where hot tubs are involved. Right. I don't get it. This is from Prince Andrew. Oh, my God, Hank, please. Sorry.

Please control yourself. Hot most. The boss is coming in today. I don't get it. Sat there, knee to knee, with friends in my cosy. I wouldn't invite them round to mine and say, should we take our drinks up to the bath? It just seems bizarre to me.

I think a hot bath is a bit different. There's something a bit of an event. Like Faye, who's our assistant producer today, went out for iced coffee and brought it back without a straw. Now, to me, once you put a straw in something, it's party time. Oh, OK. And without a straw, I'm just someone having, you know, a drink. A cold drink.

I think I did say, somewhat unre unreasonably admittedly at some point we can't even drink it you did i heard that as i went to the toilet we can't even drink it so are you suggesting that if someone were to dip a straw into a hot tub it would be party time well i think if you're in a hot tub a hot tub is another it's another signal for party time a hot tub i don't like hot i had an had an Edinburgh flat that had a hot tub once, and I came home and there was seven ladies in it. But they were all like, you know... Was it the Chris Tarrant show, Man, Oh, Man?

No, it was my partner and her sister and her mum and then some friends of theirs and stuff. I remember I opened a bottle of champagne I'd been given and handed that to them and they all sat drinking that. Yeah, very Formula One.

Yeah, it was, yeah. Frank, do you remember Man O' Man? Oh, yeah. Pierre won't know

what that is. No. They pushed men in the pool if they weren't good looking enough. Yes. Oh.

Oh, it's alright when they did it. So it's a sort of, um. It's very cruel. What's the Paddy McGuinness thing? Yeah, no likey, no likey.

No, that's... Yeah, no, take... Take me out? Yeah. So it's just a sort of aquatic version of... Yeah, but they push them in the pool. Okay. Take me out is people issue challenges

to professional hitmen. And they have a week to try and kill them. And if you kill them and then kill Paddy McGuinness, you win the big prize. No, Paddy's left untouched, I think. Okay.

Mark has been in touch. Dear Frankenteam, that's becoming a bit of a thing now. Is it built on Frankenstein? Is it a reference? One would hope so. Your anecdote on the subject of thespians turned critics, read Donald Pleasance on Olivier,

reminds me of the time I once complimented Donald Sinden on his performance in She Stoops to Conquer with David Essex. Donald Sinden, I hope you're going to do the voice. He had the most magnificent act of voice. All the fixtures and fittings in a room would tremble when he spoke.

He was very down here indeed. He was in a sitcom called Never the Twain. He was also in one, I think, called Our Man at St Mark's, ironically as this is from Mark. Oh, it's a small world, isn't it? Never the Twain was about him and Windsor Davis ran an antique shop

and pretty much ended the same every week, which was the cleaner would come in and they'd say, Mrs. Jones, you've broken the priceless Ming vase. Yes. And then you'd hear da-da-da, da-da-da-da. It's always a vase, isn't it? And it's always Ming. Yes. And then you'd do da da da. It's always a vase isn't it? And it's always Ming. Yeah. Anyway Mark continues this is Donald Sinden

on his performance in She Stoops to Conquer with David Essex. Yes. So Mark had obviously complimented it. Darling he says. I'm in already. So good. So far so good. So Sinden so far. Darling. Darling, he says. I'd rather think

you saw David Essex perform with me, not the other way round. Oh, wow. I was struck by the fact that round was actually pronounced rind. Rind. The other way around. Filling is

everything in these matters isn't it best wishes and enjoy Edinburgh I remember when Tom Stoppard was on a plane and we had a bit of a weird bang on the plane and the plane dropped about 30 feet and everyone was terrified I still don't know what it was and as I got off I said

if the plane had gone down Tom who do you think would have got the headline? And he said, that rather depends on the newspaper. Frank, I had a flyering incident yesterday. Everyone's familiar with this concept, aren't they? There were a lot of people um giving out leaflets for their shows in Edinburgh and I believe it's called flying flyer firing flyering is it I've done I did six years before the mast firing my own stuff it's just before

the mast me like this that's how they say you were in the navy oh I don't like it before the they're trying to make it all cool before the mast and did you say come and see my show come and did you do it that little kind of song or something no i had some patter but um the easiest flyering i did was at my very first fringe because i was dressed as a pirate and it's a recognizable brand people know what they're getting with pirates you are quite pirate but you're more sort of he's more can you get nordic pirates of course You are quite pirate, but you're more sort of, he's more, can you get Nordic pirates? Of course, Vikings. Okay, oh yeah, you're one of those.

What about sort of Nordic pirates? It's like your name for them. Can you imagine that at Lynn this far? What's that boat? Could they be? Well, they look Nordic. Can I just say? They also seem quite political. Can I just say

they should be? They'd all be Geordies, wouldn't they? Why are you? Nordic pirates? What, female pirates? Don't you seem like it. Fine.

Please. Sorry. The boss is here. Sorry. And also, I think they should rebrand themselves as Nordic Pirates.

Yes. It sounds much less aggressive. Don't keep saying it now. I've heard it said in a North East accent. It'll never be the same for me. Well, Ant and Dec haven't said it yet. But it's about much less aggressive sounding than Vikings. Yes, that's true.

I'm saying, if there's anyone from the PR for the Nordic Pirates. We prefer the term Nordic Piracy. No one called the Vikings the Vikings when they were around, though, did they? The Nordic pirates. We prefer the term Nordic piracy. Vikings. No one called the Vikings the Vikings when they were around, though, did they? No, they waited until their back was turned. That's how they get you. Yeah, I think it only means like travelling around. It means pirate, Viking.

Yeah, but it's got a very negative connotation. Yeah, we believe it is a very negative... I don't think it does mean pirate. Does it not? It means a pirate or raider. Because you could have viking from Frisia, from the Dutch islands. Oh, here we go.

It doesn't necessarily mean Nordic. Well, anyway, okay. Oh, you two. I think it just meant, you know, travelling around. Does it? Visiting places. What, are you suggesting it's...

I think it was used as a verb. ...blank, blank and feet. That people went was used as a verb, that people went Viking. Oh, what, does that mean like going postal or something? But it always, trading and raiding. Okay. Swap some combs. Is that your ex-bio? Trading and raiding, swap some combs, chop some heads.

Frank, let me tell you about this flyover. What was your patter for the pirate show? Can you remember it? Remember your pirate patter? It was a mime show. Oh, was it? Okay, I'm already interested. I'd say, silent pirate play.

And that would be enough odd words that people would sort of go... And then would you be silent? We did try that. That did work for a bit as well, sort of miming things. Okay. But what happened with your... Well, this flyer, he came up to me outside your gig, where I'd arrived, Pierre, which is cool, by the way.

Why are you laughing? Why are you laughing? Okay. Because Frank Skinner just said Nordic pirate. And a gentleman, quite a fashionable young chap, he approached me and one of my colleagues. I sound like I'm talking to the police.

He said, you know they have a flyer with something steeple to it. Have you seen those ones? Oh yeah, yeah. He had one of those. Often a review statement. Oh, is that what it was? Yeah. So, he had a few and he said, do you want to come and see this? Garrett.

And... Garrett Millerick. I think that's who it was. And my colleague said, oh, we know Garrett. And he went, oh, really? She said, oh, yes, yes. And then she said, oh, we're here to see Pierre. And he said, oh, right. And at first it was a warm smile. She mentioned the management company. And I said, oh, great.

And I went to take the flyer he pulled it back off me he said I know I haven't got that many I said why are you taking it off me now I said is it because you think I'm industry

he said yeah to be honest it's a bit of a waste that's very conscientious of him he said I haven't got that many and I said

are we not allowed because you think we're like insiders he said yeah it is that really I think you'll do well, but Garrett Miller could be delighted to know there's only a tiny amount of flyers to hand out.

Or left, maybe. Because he's doing so well. Could be doing so well, yeah. I remember when I used to hand out, I remember being dressed as a Victorian gentleman handing out some Sweeney Todd the Opera flyers in Stafford town centre. And I was there conscientiously for about six hours. And when I walked away, I passed a waste bin that was overflowing.

I could have eliminated the middleman, arrived, put them in the bin and then gone for some refreshments. Frank Skimmer. Absolute Radio. I went to see another puppet show. I went to Shadow Puppets. Oh. But not like many years ago, I remember. There was a magician who I used to work with in the comedy clubs

who did the same 20 minutes for years and years. And then I saw he was doing an Edinburgh show and I thought I'd love to see what else he's got off on his in his 20 minutes so he did his 20 minutes very slowly for 40 minutes and then he did oh and here's next door's dog and he put an overhead projector and put his hands, you know, that with the thumbs represented ears. And he did 20 minutes of that stuff. Oh, here comes an eagle. You're kidding.

No, exactly. And what was the crowd's reaction to this? Indifference. Cold indifference. Well, I'm glad to hear it. Yeah, well, there you go. Anyway, this was a very different experience because this is when they cut them out of cardboard,

you know, that kind of thing. It was brilliant. It was a couple. She was Japanese and this guy was an American who lives in Japan. I don't know if they were a couple, couple, but as we said, there's something about puppetry that brings couples together. So he'd written it and she'd cut out

and designed all these bits of cardboard. And the whole thing was about an evil owl character who did look a bit like Roy Hodgson, but I think that was accidental. I like the sound of the evil owl character. Yeah, he banned sleep.

He put a curse on this place. And no one slept. And there was part of me thinking, is that a curse? That'd be quite good, wouldn't it? Depends if you still wanted to sleep. They had underground sleep eases where people went into

this bar and just put their heads on the tables and slept. There'd be police raids. and they'd all say no we sell coffee we're all very lively and so he wouldn't let anyone go to bed yeah was he was he bears in the 90s he um it reminds me there always used to be a story in magazines like ravalli and titbits when i was a kid. They were sort of scurrilous magazines that my mum and dad used to read. And it was always about there being a farmer

who hadn't slept for 20 years. Remember this story? A bloke who never needed to sleep. And I used to think, God, that'd be brilliant. Yes, they were praised. In the days before sleep hygiene, these people were praised. Yeah, well, it would be brilliant

you'd suddenly get an extra eight hours i could make my own puppets i did really did come away for this i really come away thinking you know what i'm gonna do one of these next year oh yeah i'm gonna do a shadow puppet show what would your curse be what what curse would your owl well i was thinking i couldn't i couldn't steal their owl curse thing. I was thinking of doing Dracula, but then he doesn't catch the shadow. I'd be really confused. Very difficult. But it was brilliant. It's called Shadow

Kingdom, and if you're in Edinburgh, it's not a kid's show. There were kids in there. You know when kids are all like talking, saying, oh, I know, I do want to go. Oh, no, can we have some? And then when it started, they all went really quiet and got drawn in. Oh, it's

like the guy watched the puppet show. Oh, no, it's not like him. Because he didn't shut up. But I saw this guy the next day giving out leaflets and I said, I saw the show yesterday. It was brilliant. And he just looked at me like I was being ironic. Did he? Yeah. There was a bit of a lean back in his eyes where he thought,

is this man mocking my carefully crafted... Yeah. You were with me, weren't you, when I told... No, he did look like... Did he? Yeah, yeah. I get it. Well, it's an autobiographical.

He hasn't slept in three years. Oh, no. He's absolutely shattered. Yeah, well, he suddenly went... An enormous palate came out of his mouth. Glad it was his mouth. Frank Skinner. Frank Skin a lovely biscuit tin yesterday. I think it's my...

Episode of Coronation Street. I went to the Grayson Perry exhibition at the Scottish National Gallery, which is just one of my favourite exhibitions I've ever been to. I want to go see that. And you could buy a biscuit tin with Grayson Perry in a countryside scene leaning on a wall with like a headscarf and a tweed skirt looking like... First it looks like the Queen and then you think, oh no, that's Grayson Perry.

It's one of my favourite. I love a tin. I love an ornate tin. You're in the right city for it. I've got... I am. I've got a... It's actually a lunchbox, but it's of tin.

And it's a Buffalo Bill lunchbox. Oh, man, I love it. I just love to hold it and listen to that of the tin. So I went to the exhibition. Very, very good at art. Who is? Grayson Perry. I think that's the kind of review. You know the ones at school, those kids who's brilliant at art. Who is? Grayson Perry. I think that's the kind of review.

You know the one he said at school to his kids who's brilliant at art? He's one of those blokes. He's really good at art. I would buy a book called Very Good at Art. Curate it forward by Frank Skinner. It was, honestly, it was brilliant. I loved it.

That's the sort of feedback that you give at the end of something where you're quite tired but you have enjoyed it and as you leave you say to Grayson you are very very good at art

well he wasn't there but two and a half hours I was in there you say that but you both would like that sorry Frank to interject

if someone said as they left your gig Frank Skinner you are very very good at comedy oh yeah I'd be delighted. Absolutely delighted.

I'd have a biscuit tin, I'd say. Something about the bluntness of it would make it seem more true as well. I try to blunt. I think you just can't get round the fact that, you know, he makes pots. What I kept thinking of, imagine having to transport pots, though, to some...

You'd be terrified, wouldn't you't you anything but don't make me as i said if you get a comedy and anything valuable is knocked over it's always a pot never the twain yeah but yeah i'd recommend it it was brilliant but here's something happened to me do you know um the road by cormac mccarthy a book which is in many ways brilliant and in many ways so upsetting that I had to go out and have a walk around the local shops to remind me that there wasn't a dystopian world out there. And there's a bit in it where this starving father and child find onto the ground tins of baked beans and tins of fruit,

pineapple chunks, and you think oh well it was in the um in the national gallery and i was talking to the curator of the uh of the exhibition and he said oh show you this is uh we have lectures here this is the lecture theater and it was like that. I'm at the Edinburgh Fringe and there's a 200-seater room unused by any comedians. Just there, lovely seat. I said, do you know what you've got here? And he said, I suppose we could. I said, but it's a 200-seater, it's perfect. Don't tell your manager.

Expire. Well, he said he might mention it at the next meeting. Honestly, it was like discovering a treasure trove. A beautiful padded upholstered seat to raise stage. Can you imagine? Look at Pierre's face. He can almost see himself in there. I've never seen him like this.

You're stretching your legs on the sofa. Oh, you could get some jokes in here. Oh, man. I tell you, I couldn't believe it. There's any room in Edinburgh that hasn't been used by the fringe, and there it was. Perfect. But, yes, check out the Grayson

Perret. It's really brilliant. And please check out Frank's poetry podcast. He won't say this, but I will and so will Steffi, who says it has a real vibe of listening to a nice pal. Just having a chat about poems. Highly recommend. It's a lovely show for hardcore poetry enthusiasts, as

well as those who want something that makes poetry accessible. Well, it's funny you should say that, because the next episode of Frank Skinner's Poetry Podcast will be out on Wednesday. Sylvia Plath! Oh, yes. The big one. That's Poetry Podcast will be out on Wednesday. Sylvia Plath. Oh, yes. The big one. That's not the same as Lionel Richie Plath.

Oh, my God. Now, Sylvia Plath, obviously the brilliant American, well, I'm still calling her an American poet, been a joy today, and I'm almost tempted to have a bit more of the Scottish reel but I won't. So thank you for listening. If good Lord

spares us and the creeks don't rise, we'll be back again this time next week. Now get out!