The Frank Skinner Show - Three John Jig

Episode Date: November 11, 2023

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. The Radio Academy Award winning gang bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. This week Frank made friends in a queue for a gig. The team also discuss bespoke car horns, Tufty Fluffytail and a woman who ordered forty-eight oysters on a date.

This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. Hello, this is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Pierre Novelli. You can text the show on 81215, follow us on X and Instagram, at Frank on the Radio, email via frank at absoluteradio.co.uk. frank at absoluteradio.co.uk and welcome to the show sponsored this morning by radish soap so um they're not actually sponsoring us but they send us free soap and i use it stuff so that sort of soap is called stuff like sandalwood and reticence okay Okay. Oh, yeah. Morning mist. Lovely. And she's still there.

Tash Skinner is who sends little parcels. Oh. No relation. I was going to say. Well, she wouldn't be, would she? Because Skinner is my stage name. I don't think it works like that with the stage names. No.

Frank, were you at green day well i've got evidence of you there i um it's very exciting because green day you obviously do enormous enormous gigs we're doing camden electric ballroom last night which is um small, but small for Green Day and I managed to get tickets and the queue was round and around and around the block. We've seen photographic evidence of the queue. Okay. And Craig Jones has actually been in touch. I don't normally approve of this, but I'm going to let this slide, Pierre, don't you think?

Yeah, it's earned its place. Because I think we should share this slide, Pierre, don't you think? Yeah, it's earned its place. Because, I think we should share this. Craig says, my wife and her friend are at the Green Day show at the Electric Ballroom Camden. They told me, I think they were very excited because they're in the queue behind you, and they tried to take a sneaky selfie

and accidentally put a Peppa Pig filter on you. Oh. It's worth a look. You've got those strange glasses, those sort of white... No, no, I don't. I was wearing those. I think they're all right.

They didn't worry about that. That's what I look like offstage. I think we should share this image. I think so. Anyway, good gig, Frank? Well, I was very excited indeed and doors open at 7pm, I got there about 20 to 7pm, so it's a massive queue, so we're standing outside in the cold a bit. And so then it got to 7pm, there was a little bit of movement, oh we're going to go in, it's going to be

a green day, it's about 1500 I suppose, Like I say, it was all intimate and exciting. Friday night in Camden. In case you don't know Camden, it's a bit like, you know, the cantina in Star Wars. If you can imagine that as a town. Yes, yes. So, you know, we were really excited. And then all these security men came up and said it's cancelled it's cancelled and the

way they did it someone said it's cancelled and the one behind him said yes it is it is really cancelled don't bring your own verification it was cancelled at seven o'clock just as the doors was opening do you know what yeah and people were saying to me, oh, you know, before they're saying, yeah, we've seen them arrive and everything, we saw them arrive earlier. So I'm not condemning Green Day because who knows?

Who knows what it is? Who knows what it is? Although it's November, they should be up by now. Okay? Thank you. Very good. Thank you, everyone.

Very good. But it was... I'll tell you one thing that was lovely about it is that after the cancellation, we didn't go at first. You know that moment when you need to see on Insta or something because you think, well, they could just be guys in high-vis. We knew really, but we stood there and there was a bunch of youths

the other side of me. To the ladies you're talking about. And who I'd never normally talked to. Hooded youths. Urchins. Youths. People who, obviously someone my age is not going to approach them.

I've got a career to think about. There's often a bike involved. But you know, I tell you what it was like. I've got a career to think about. There's often a bike involved. Sure. But you know, I tell you what it was like. You know when a train stops in the middle of nowhere and suddenly you start talking to people you'd never normally talk to? And we just started really chatting about the fact it had been cancelled

and there's the tour in the summer and all that. It was a really nice moment. I think I would have liked World War II for that, for the chatting point of view. As long as I was back home, obviously. In the bunkers. Yeah, I'd be lousy in action. I think you would have enjoyed the haircuts of World War II.

Yeah, well, I've tried to go World War I with the haircuts, which is a nice thing for this weekend. But, yeah yeah we just all started it it created a community that cancellation and relax so um oh sorry i heard the in breath well we're just, we're just getting a few of your Q friends getting in touch. It does seem like there's an entire community now built up around this incident. It's very bonding to be in a purposeless Q. Yeah.

An enforced crowd. I was seeing Camden on a Friday night, the air thick with cannabis and foul language. I've seen Camden on a Friday night the air fit with cannabis and foul language and of course that jazz oh I hate that is the jazz cafe still there? yes

is it? it is I don't okay Michele I'm going to go bold and go for Michele with this spelling it might be Michelleelle but i'm

i'm going mckaylee we weren't that far behind you in the green day queue no we've been hanging around all afternoon almost frozen so gone for a warm-up in the pub oh i see a likely story you know there were chairs and and sleeping bags and that at the front. So some people, I think, had slept overnight. I heard about a woman who flew from China for this gig. What? Really? I heard about that. Oh.

I was moaning about getting the 24 bus. Oh, I must say about the 24 bus, but carry on. Michele says, we also didn't leave immediately after the cancellation. No. It's now being referred to as the cancellation. What to do? Green Day had arrived by six. Michele's got some inside info here.

Oh. Green Day had arrived by six and sound checked, so it was a shock. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. We know that they'd sound checked. And not only that, but she went...

She had to go through that last night, and today she has to sit by the radio going, It's Michelle! It's Michelle! I think Michele is a gent. Oh. Because that's why I've gone for the Italian pronunciation, but I may be wrong.

All will become... be revealed in the fullness of time. I wonder if he's with his comets. Anyway. More Green Day. I'll tell you something about Green Day. They don't want to be an American idiot. No, they don't.

They're reluctant to be an American idiot. A lot of people don't want to be one. That's just true. Do they still wear eyeliner? They loved eyeliner. I know, it was my chemical romance. It's a massive,

massive floor filler. What is? Eyeliner. An American. Mm. Um. It was a, never mind.

Um, I, um, I, oh, I met, I, a bearded man appeared

as I stood in the queue. Oh yeah? A black bearded man appeared as I stood in the queue. Oh, yeah? A black bearded man, like some sort of piratical figure. Did he have a glittering eye? He did have a glittering eye. And it was the husband of our producer, Sarah Spracklin. Matt Spracklin? It was Matt Spracklin.

If ever I was not surprised to hear that someone was at a Green Day gig well I imagine he just walks around Camden all night did he have a full length leather

a sort of atmosphere yes yeah the council covers that he's paid keeps the tourists coming exactly he's paid by them

yeah well I tell you what was nice is because I was a bit gotted about the cancellation to say the least because I was, you know,

you're up for it. I was in gig mode and he checked his phone asking someone trying to find out more about it and on his screensaver was our producer

in her wedding dress grinning and I thought, oh, love. And then I turned to these young people next to me who I'd been talking to, and I thought, we've all started talking because of this love. Love is still in the air, I thought.

And then I remembered I could go home and watch the season finale of Loki. I thought, yes, we all have our own outlets for love. And I just felt better about the whole thing. But there was an incident on the 24 Boss, which I must share with you. But let's first have this. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

So you was, I was, I was coming home from the gig that didn't happen. Yes. As a green day. You left your community behind. Why don't we do a text in on that? Most memorable cancelled shows that you've been involved in. But that's not most memorable cancellation. That's a whole other thing.

No, I think it should be a show of some kind. We'll include all in wrestling. I was once at a wrestling gig when I was a teenager, a wrestling gig. And Klondike Jake was supposed to be on, who was like the early

prototype for Giant Haystacks. They were brothers, Klondike Jake and Klondike Bill. And the excuse was, Klondike Jake will not be, he was on the poster, Klondike Jake will not be here tonight after all because he's in Glasgow. Well, that's

not an excuse, is it? I mean, that's a choice. That's just saying he can't be in two places. Yes! But he's on the poster. Honestly. Make something up. I was at the Kenny Rogers gig at the Albert Hall and there was a bomb scare, happily a hoax, but even so.

We didn't know that until the next morning. And so it was a quick evacuation of the whole place. We were all standing outside to see if they'd let us back in. And we saw Kenny Rogers go past in a limousine, leaving the Albert Hall. And I sang, Look old Yeller is leaving, which is a line from Coward of the County.

Some of the crowd didn't like it because they loved him so much. I loved him and was still able to laugh at him in a warm-hearted way. So I'm on the bus talking about the cancellation. And a guy, as I was getting off, said, excuse me, but I heard you saying that you were at a jig that had been cancelled tonight.

And I said... Mr Fezziwig? And I thought, yes, it was the big event of the night until you said jig. And now that's what's going to live with me. A jig? Yeah. Oh, I love him.

He's like something out of a restoration comedy or something. Did he misunderstand? Was he wearing breeches and long knee stockings? Does he think it's called jig? Well, listen, many, many years ago, I was in a band and we were practising at a local church hall and we were very, very loud and the police were sent for by local neighbours. What was the band called again, Frank? That particular band was, I think it was called Old English after the cider, which I'd just started drinking. I was 15.

And the policeman arrived and he thought, he obviously thought I'll do a bit of community policing. And he said, so have you done any jigs yet? So it is, there is an underground. What do you say there's an underground? One policeman in 1902. And an old guy, an old guy, open bracket, my age, on the bus last night.

So there's a sort of illuminati of people who say jig. I say jig, yeah. It's a code, isn't it? Yeah, but is there still a chance that maybe he thought... That I'd been to a jig. That he thought you were dancing around a big wooden barrel of ale and

well he said to me I said yeah it was green day and he just went hmm I don't know who that is he said jig

you're surprised he doesn't know who green day is he says jig if he was from the past why was he even asking about it

he wanted you to say well did you do any reels? Did they play Spanish ladies? Any naval songs? I mean, the guy said jig. I don't even think he's up to a glimpse of stocking yet. No. Urban Queen Day.

May not, maybe not. But it tuned me up. Pre-Loki. Frank, you were talking about your cancelled Green Day jig. Yes. And Kat Oterhannen has got in touch. At the height of their fame, Carter USM. Oh, yeah. Unstoppable, yeah.

Yes. Breakfast. You can't say it, breakfast. USM, if you agree with them. Oh, yeah. Unstoppable, yeah. Yes. Breakfast. You can't say it, breakfast. You're a seven-year-old. Breakfast machine. Cancelled a jig with the very un-rock-and-roll excuse that their guitarist had sustained a back injury while cleaning a bath.

Wow. Gosh. If only he'd had Mighty, which cleans your bath as well Even though your kids have to sit in bleach Yes Yes Wow, that is

Yeah Yeah, that makes something else up Yeah, exactly And then Steve, Saintly67 That'd be a nice friend for you, Frank Yeah My very first gig was meant to be XTC. Oh, wow.

In 1980, but the lead singer fell off the stage, so unfortunately had to cancel. Oh, so the gig began. Went to see Ultravox instead. What a decision that was. They were brilliant. What I'm clear about is when the XTC man fell off the stage, exactly, was it in the sound check or at the beginning?

Yeah, maybe, maybe. I still class this as a cancelled gig if it goes early on. Yeah. Me and my partner saw Lady Tron once, I remember, and they did one song and said, nah. Really? Yeah. I don't know, it was a technical thing or something.

It sounded fine. And they said, we'll be in touch about, you or something it sounded fine and they said we'll be in touch about you know never heard from them again we'll be in touch still waited whenever the phone rings I always think

that'll be that'll be Lady Tron you pick it up and say Lady Tron is this about the gig say you Lady Tron it's about

this is about 20 years ago nothing oh I knew you'd call we'll be in touch. Exactly. I'm not sure you can end a gig that way. Ladytron.

We're all talk. What is it about? Because there's a thing when you're a stand-up. All my most memorable gigs are ones where I didn't have to do it and still got paid. Those are the ones that lodge in my memory like precious jewels. Yeah, well, I drove all the way to Aberystwyth. Oh, no. And to the student union.

And there was posters of me up and stuff. It was a rough gig, I've heard. This was in my early days. And, well, I was driving. What about that? And the ENTS officer officer do they still exist anyways the entz officer got up and people were sitting around in the room first of all there was music on so we got up and he turned the music off and everybody there went oh and i thought right yeah and then

he said oh we got a brilliant uh comic uh frank skinner on tonight can you just come and all sit near the front external love come and sit near the front he said come on come on near the come on move over it right you get no comedy and he just walked off i said hold on what's happening he said no no it. He said, they're going to be like that. I said, do I still get... He said, yeah, you'll get paid. And then a guy came over and said, oh, I was really looking forward to that.

That's not going to happen. I remember he had a Wings T-shirt on. Of course he did. And he's a really sweet guy, glasses, and he said, it's not going to happen. I was looking forward to the comedy. The ENTS officer said said you want to tell them then don't tell me

it's really horrible oh my goodness by the way I've had a letter from Richard from Solihull posh and he has sent me a badge with a sort of a saint old saint on it and it says Lector

L-E-C-T-O-R Lector's a sort of a teacher in the church. Bit like me. That's the inference from Richard from Solihull. Nice, thank you. Frank Skimmer

Absolute Radio So yeah so I went home and enjoyed some Loki and watched the what they call in America the season finale

it's I like if there's anyone now panicking thinking there's going to be spoilers don't panic

because the big plus is I I don't really know what happened even though I watched it. I've now watched six episodes of Loki in his second

series. In case you don't know Loki's the god of mischief. Brother of half brother? Of Thor. That's Tom Hiddleston isn't it? It is Tom Hiddleston. You like him. Yeah a lot of people don't. In fact, your mate Phil Wang was on Room 101

and tried to put him in, and I wouldn't let him in. I wouldn't let him in because of his lowkiness. Oh, is that what saved him? What's Wang's issue with him? I think... Is he a bit jellybags? No, I think if you watch the video... A lot of men are a bit jellybags.

If you watch the video of Tom Hiddleston doing a Robert De Niro impression to Robert De Niro's face on a chat show... Yes, I have seen that. You will leave changed. But that's not what he does, is it? That's his side lie. It clearly is what he does.

Have you ever seen his Michael Jackson? To be fair, Pierre... Also terrible. We were all traumatised by that impression. Yes, but there's a lot of that kind of... What about I Heart TS? Oh, do you want to explain what that is? When he went out with Taylor Swift, he wore a...

It wasn't even a T-shirt, it was a singlet. It was. He wore a singlet with I Heart TS on it. He's... Yes, he's a bit cringe. I think he's just confused. But he's a really, really good actor, and that I think he's just confused. But he's a really, really good actor and that's why he's thing is. Yes, he is. I think

people's issues stem from his, when he's not pretending to be someone else. Anyway, yeah. Anyway, the low-key thing, I've, it's a thing, can I ask this as a joke? You lot guys watch American series. Sure. I,

when another, I'm going to call it it i'll go with it a season is beginning another season are you supposed to do prep are you supposed to go back and watch the last series before i because i'm watching this thinking i just i i watch you with my son and i say what what, any idea? What sort of show are we talking? It's brilliant. It's absolutely brilliant. But Marvel have got so excited about the multiverse that things are almost impossible to follow. But it looks amazing. The performances are brilliant. I think, as you know, my problem with those things is when there's no relationship talk or no one sits down and says, how are you?

I didn't say there was no relationship talk. No, I know you didn't. I think it's even though it's set in a sort of strange timeline multiverse when they work for a mysterious agency that sort of governs the world. when they work for a mysterious agency that sort of governs the world. And there's a man in it, a mysterious man at the end of time called He Who Remains, which I think I might use as my next Edinburgh show title. But even so, I find it more realistic than the realistic dramas. OK.

Yes, you get. Because I have no idea what's going on, which is much more like life. And also I'm constantly aware that I've forgotten crucial information. And that you should know people. It's very, very, it's realist. Realist drama is his best.

Do you end up having to Google while you're watching it? No, I won't do that. I haven't looked up anything. I don't think you should feel bad if it's Marvel. I think if it was anything else, it would be all right. But someone's totted up all of the hours of Marvel you have to watch to be caught up. No, but I've seen it.

I saw it. But it's different. If it had just been one previous series, that would be, say, what, seven hours of seven episodes? Yeah. It's something like 49 hours of Marvel. No, no, but for Loki, I've seen all the Lokis. They intersect.

They intersect. There's all these Easter eggs. It's not the problem with Loki. People stick their heads through the door and say, oh, it's me. Are you still talking about the comics? Look, it's not Loki, it's me. This is Frank Skinner.

This is Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. Anyway, this is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Pierre Novelli. Text the show at 81215. Follow us on X and Instagram at frankontheradio. Email via frank at absoluteradio.co.uk. Frank, in the light of your cancelled Green Day gig,

Johnny Snell has got in touch, as have many of our readers. Johnny Snell has had a cancelled gig. Ian Brown, Newcastle 02, floor collapsed, four songs in. Oh, wow. Whether that was the stage or the seating area. See, had it been a punk gig

in the age of Pogoing, you could have understood it. Or Demis Roussos. It's quite a medieval reason to cancel a gig. It is, yeah. The on-floor had collapsed. The planks. No, but that, was anyone, we'd have

known if anyone was hurt. Oh, let's hope so. Guna John. Hi, Guna. I think, 1989, sat in traffic on the M25 en route to Wembley to see the Rolling Stones. Came on the radio that it was off

as Keith Richards had stabbed his finger restringing a guitar. Wow, that's the most Keith Richards injury. That's what you want. And I don't believe it for a minute, but I love it. What I'm saying is... You could see the piercing marks in his arm.

I think the Rolling Stones, I can imagine the PR coming up with that excuse. Oh, I don't know. Do you believe it? I'm sorry, I'm a naive. Do you believe it? I'm sorry. I'm a naive. But at least it's rock and roll adjacent, whereas the cleaning the bath one,

you go, oh. What are they even doing near a bath? Yeah, exactly. What kind of rock stars are they? Yeah, with a little duck practising their scales in the bath. Yes. Regarding... Go on.

No, over to you, please. Well, I remembered during the news, because I said that as a stand-up, I remember a lot of the gigs very fondly that I didn't have to do but still got paid for. Although your Aberystwyth one is a bit far to go for that. No, exactly. I'd done all the hard work.

Yeah, that's it. I was booked to do a Cambridge College May Ball, Peterhouse College May Ball. Oh, yeah. God, you hear some tales about wild drunkenness at those things. It was a very... Well, even in the context of Cambridge May Balls, Peterhouse is the only one, I think, that's white tie.

Oh, it's all gone a bit Elton John. It's full on, like, the collar's up to the jawline. Oh God, does Dracula go? If Dracula went, he'd be underdressed. He'd say, what do you mean I have to wear a different... What do you mean I can't come in? This is discrimination. I was not told about dress code.

Calling across to a friend. They won't let me in. Open a window. They have to invite me in. It's a whole thing. Don't get me started. You didn't discuss food allergies. There's certain things I can't eat. You know this is European.

Mr. Switching off all over Britain. All switching on. All switching on. They're going, here we go. How do they know it's happening though if they're not, if they have to switch on?

Anyway, carry on. Other senses. Yeah. So, I was booked to do some stand-up at this May Ball and that's always

a tough gig. A friend of mine once had to do a 20-minute stand-up set stood on a stool by the cheese queue. Oh, wow. And that went about as well as you could imagine.

Yeah? So they're quite difficult, these gigs. Yeah. And because you're not in a ticketed scenario, people can come and go as they please.

Yeah. So you are a bit of a P.T. Barnum version of a stand-up. You're just in a tent in an enormous facility of fun and distraction. And people will sort of stick their heads in,

watch you do the set-up to a joke, and just wander off before the punchline. But something very unusual, even by those standards, happened at this gig. Let's leave it there. Okay. I'm intrigued by this. Frank Skinner

on Absolute Radio Okay so we're at the we're at Peterhouse is it? Yeah Peterhouse College and it's white tie

so everyone looks proper like Bullingdon Club Yeah Like not even James Bond but one level above that tails and things mad Yes

and I my contract was to arrive at midnight. And the gig was at 1am. Okay. In the sort of, what I was told was the bursar's garden. So I thought, okay. I did a half hour set in the bursar's garden.

I thought, okay. We've all been there, dear. Yeah. But I thought, well, they haven't told me i have to dress any particular way so i showed up wearing just sort of jeans and a hoodie yeah and um uh got sort of checked in by the people running this big ball and every it was all happening all around me and they gave me a little map of the grounds yeah and they said this they pointed on the map they said this is where the gig is and i said okay and i walked along with my performer's wristband getting dirty looks

from everyone all dressed up because i was stinking up the place yeah my hoodie and jeans and i followed the map and i arrived in a completely dark patch of lawn with hedges on three sides with sort of some picnic tables that some people were sort of sitting on way over on the right hand side. Yeah. But no stage, no lights,

no microphone or nothing. Just some grass in the woods. It's just a man talking. At night. But there was nothing there. There was no... There were also no expectations. Those people were

on those tables with some food from stalls nearby. But if you don't perform you don't get paid. But there was also no one there to check. Okay. And I sort of stood in the dark in a field. Yeah. Basically. And I sort of got a lawn and looked around and there

was nothing. And did you do your set? There was no way to do it. Oh. Did you get paid? I did. But I stood. What, you got paid to stand there? Well you get paid i did but i stood i said well i did my time i stood in on on the lawn for the half an hour looking at my watch and thinking but how is this supposed well you did a thought transference set but there was nothing there i did one at leicester university and everyone went to the christmas shopping it was for the staff and there were six people left. Yeah.

And I said to the bloke, am I still doing the gig? He said, well, do you want to get paid? Yeah. So they sat at a table and I just stood at the table. Oh, that's depressing.

Yeah, like, you know, when they do close-up magic from table to table, I just did that and did 25 minutes of stand-up with them going... Going, huh? Oh, yeah, I've been there. I considered doing that, but I can't emphasise enough

that it wasn't like these tables were set up to be something. No. They were there as sort of overflow seating for people who'd got a burger from the burger store. No, that's... It's bad planning. And I stood there and I sort of thought, how has this happened? Oh, it's like overflow wedding gigs.

I went to a very posh wedding where they actually had seating outside where there wasn't room for those in the chapel. Oh, wow. And I heard people saying, are we outside? With the overflow wedding guests. It was a celebrity wedding, I went to. But at the end of the allotted time,

at about quarter to two in the morning, the organisers... Did you bow at the end? To the stars. To the empty night sky. At the end of the time, the two sort of organisers, and I will say these gigs are all organised by students,

you know, who are also doing their exams and things, so there's always screw-ups. That puts confidence in you. Oh, well, you you know and they sprinted up to me wearing their organization they have to wear sashes and they've got earpieces it's all very mr president and they ran up and said all this world yeah yeah all this world yeah all both donald and um they sprinted up to me and sort of said oh um is there and i, there's no stage or lights or microphone. And they went, we know, we're sorry. Oh, God.

And they offered me the chance, in quotes, to go and redo the whole gig at the actual stage, which was in a different part of the building. So where were the punters? I don't understand. They just forgot to set up a stage for anything to happen. They just completely screwed up. I always carry a cheese stool in the bar for those moments. But they said, would you like to go to an actual stage?

There's a gap between bands, so you could do your set there now. And I said, nope. I did my time. I'd like my envelope, please. I did a gig in an alcove once in Manchester where no one sitting in there could see me. They could hear jokes, but people had no idea. They thought it was just coming out of their tan.

You're like a Phantom of the Opera sort of thing. I was just around the corner, like you put a statue in a little alcove. Oh, well. But look at us now, eh? Look at us now. No, don't look at us now, eh? Look at us now. No, don't look at us now. I wonder, I think you might have made quite a good roadie.

Do you think? I don't wear, I won't wear blue jeans, though, at my age. Okay, well, you and Neil Diamond ain't going to get on. Ain't. Yes, I threw an ain't. Oh, yeah, good on you. Tom Jones was due to perform at York Racecourse in 2018. Right.

I can only assume it was a good payday. I've done Cheltenham Racecourse. Of course you have. It was when the beast from the east storm hit us. Tom had recently spent a week in hospital. The PA announcer kept promising the soaking crowd he was on his way. Oh, it was an outdoor gig. It was literally, oh, okay.

I wish he'd come round the corner, like three lengths ahead of the support hand. Go on, Tom, go on, Tom. And at 8pm, when he was due on stage, it was announced he would not be coming as the helicopter had turned back because it was too dangerous to fly. Wow. That's Paul from York. Paul saying, did it ever take off, I wonder?

Oh, I bet Tom would have braved it. I met Tom and I said, I've seen you live a couple of times, Tom. I wish you did the young new Mexican Popatier. It's my favourite. And he said, well, you know, it's a bit naff, isn't it?

And I said, yeah, that's what I love about it. And he couldn't embrace that. Now, the idea of good naff was beyond Tom. It is the maddest song. Oh, it is. The Young New Mexican Puppeteer. In case you don't know, it's about a young boy who makes some...

He got some string and he got some wood. He did some carving and he was good. Folks came rushing so they could hear the young New Mexican puppeteer. So he makes puppets of people like spiritual leaders. Why? To inform the world. To bring peace.

It's a song about a weird boy who makes educational puppet shows happen and how popular they became. It is the maddest. As he said. Delilah's not a strange song. Yeah, but at least it's got recognisable themes. And they go, well, you know, of course, there's the spurned lover,

the jealous lover, the young New Mexican puppeteer. These are the stories we see over and over again in Shakespeare, in myth and legend. If it was in Homer's Iliad, it would have an adjective that always goes with it, like swift-heeled whoever. But with the young New Mexican, you get his adjective is most concerned. In a town near Albuquerque,

there lived a most concerned young boy. He doesn't sound very well realised as a character. Well, I love the song. You know, you get the whole thing. It arrives in kit form. He makes these things. And he talks to the people. Now you said that it arrives in kit form.

You've really sold it. Well, because we see him carving the actual main characters. How often does that happen in a song? I can't think of another one. Songs where the main characters are carved during the actual performance, 8, 12, 15. I'm looking forward to these. Frank, we sometimes discuss strange things, don't we, in the breaks?

We do. And I was discussing... I can't remember how we got on to this subject, but we were talking about Colonel Bogey. I think we were talking about, I don't know, rhymes. Yes. And in the actual... You and your poetry.

The song, Colonel Bogey, which you may know, it's got... and features lyrics about... OK. Colonel Bogey, which you may know, because duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh and features lyrics about some of the chief figures in the Nazi Germany set-up. And they're a little bit, as that football fan once said to you, was it, Millwall fans, a little bit naughty? Yeah.

But Himmler had something similar. It's still a fantastic rhyme. Absolutely brilliant. But I'm recalled how that, can you sing the refrain briefly? Da da da da da da da. It was a car horn sound.

Am I going? No, I think you're right. It was more da da da da It was that. Really? All sped up and intense. In the 70s, you'd hear... And you'd also get... For the Mexican fans. What was this whole thing with bespoke car horns? There was a...

For the young New Mexican puppeteers. No, you didn't get that. In their car. There was that one as well. Why did the bespoke car horn die out? I don't know. I wonder if it became illegal or something.

Do you think so? Oh, that's a shame. What would be the most surprising snippet of music to hear on a custom car horn? I think Barb was a dagio for strings for a very long traffic jam if you could just choose i think you should be able to choose the music to like on your phone yeah i'd like um theme from the big country

watch that watch that person crossing the Watch that person crossing the road. I'd have to carry on. When did people stop looking when they crossed the road? When did that happen? I think it's a London thing. Is it? Even this morning. What about the TV news?

The people, they just look. It's like they don't even think about it. I'm so frightened when I cross the road. Also, I was raised on Tufty Fluffytail. Do you know Tufty, Pierre? I beg your pardon? Can you explain Tufty? It was a squirrel who explained the

do's and don'ts of crossing the road. Which, frankly, I don't... This is a family of roadkill. To him, it meant something very intense. Tufty Fluffytail? Yeah. Right, so he had seen so many of his brethren splattered. Exactly, yeah. Oh, I never knew that.

You see, I was a member of the Tufty Club. The Tufty Club, yeah. Were you a member of the Tufty Club? This is the first I'm hearing about the Tufty Club. Oh, you had to join

the Tufty Club. There was a cartoon hedgehog. It's gone now, of course, with the rise of... There was a cartoon hedgehog. Fine. Please stop that. Okay.

I didn't get there. No, but I know where you were going. I know. I never stop that. I didn't get there. No, but I know where you were going. I know. I never go there. I don't go there. I just hit the ring road. It's as simple as that. Okay.

I grew up with a sort of cartoon hedgehog. Oh. Crossing the road. Animated cartoon hedgehog. It's another roadkill reference. Was that in South Africa? This is here. Oh, I thought you might get an Impala or something. Oh, no. What did you have in South Africa? This is here. Oh, I thought you might get an Impala or something.

Oh, no. What did you have in South Africa? Do they have road safety? There's many about being hijacked. You can't have a squirrel talking about being hijacked. You can't have a squirrel saying, make sure you've got a pistol in your ankle. My name's Tufty and

I'm heavily armed at all times. Don't you dare come anywhere near me. When the going gets Tufty, the Tufty and I'm heavily armed at all times. Don't you dare call me when you need me. When the going gets Tufty, the Tufty gets going. OK, next. Well. Come along. I like next. I don't like silences on the radio.

Actually, there will be one at 11 o'clock, which I do like. Well, I was going to say you picked the wrong day. Yeah, I know. Clive Izzard. Oh, yeah. Couldn't be. Couldn't be. Well, you never know.

Who knows? Mate of mine had Strangers in the Night as his car horn. I quite like that. I can hear that because it would be... Wouldn't it? Yeah. Well, I don't know how many... Yeah, it can't be any other part of the song.

No, I don't think so. Too wistful. I used to stay with a lady in Tottenham. I just want to go to limericks, Frank. Tottenham's a hard ride. I was going to say also. Certainly on breakfast radio. And there used to be a dog close by.

What do you mean there used to be a dog close by? Did she have the dog? No, a neighbour had the dog. And when the dog used to bark, it used to bark the beginning of the American national anthem. So the dog would go, and I always used to wait for the, and it never got there.

That was how it barked. The dog was constantly trying to get it going. Well, that was its bark. was constantly trying to get it going. Oh, say. Well, that was its bark. It just happened to... Now I'd be doing a tour as an internet influence. You know the cat that goes... I'd be taking the dog on a tour of America.

Oh, everyone stand up. Yeah. God, can you imagine the dog on a tour of America. Oh, oh, oh, oh, everyone stand up. Yeah. God, can you imagine the reaction that is one of those very sort of Republican patriotic sort of rodeo crowds. Oh, man.

And they'd complete it. Maybe you can find other dogs. Oh, they'd love that. Other dogs are completed, the jigsaw. A dog per line. And it would have to be

a bloodhound. So maybe one dog just did the arrr for that note. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then they can find, they need to find a dog.

Big cowboys would be nudging each other. That English dog is all right. Yeah. They'd be sobbing. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, man. Donald Trump wouldn't like it

because as we know, he doesn't like the dogs a lot of dogs, a lot of singing terrible people dirty animals he died like a dog died like a dog too much drool

disrespectful don't let the dogs sing it, that's what I say very selfish people Steve Isaac has got in touch. I went with a mate to see the Three Johns in Harrogate. Harrogate, do you say, Frank? The Three... Yes, the Three Johns.

Oh, don't... I mean, don't question me. I've heard of these people. I know the... I know the Tenors, but I didn't know... The Three Johns. They're like a Harrogate version of the Three Tenors, maybe. Oh, maybe.

Back in the 80s. Right. Only half a dozen people turned up, unfortunately, so they had to cancel. Two per John. The bonus was they sat and had a few beers with us instead. Nice. Do you know, I love the Three Johns.

Yeah, we should check them out. They're on Apple Music. Yeah, you never know. Just because six people turn up, don't make them bad people. No, it's enough for a jig. Yeah, exactly. I went to a three John jig.

Three John jig, yeah. Bakesman's Tooth. Yeah. I don't know either. I think it might be your dentist we were discussing last week, Showbiz Dentist, arrived in a rush to see the Rolling Stones. Oh, I arrived in a Rolling Stone to see Rush?

No, carry on. I was going to say at IAC's Arena in 2003. Oh, yeah. Jig had been cancelled whilst we, no. Whilst we were on the flight. That's... We were arguing with security that we could hear the crowd, but we were told it was just the trains at a nearby train station. Oh, no, how terrible.

I could hear the gig happening that we'd been told is cancelled. Oh, that's a sad story. Oh, that's terrible. Oh, oh's a sad story. That's terrible. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Pierre Novelli. You can text the show on 81215.

Follow us on X and Instagram at frankontheradio. Email us via frankasabsoluteradio.co.uk Okay. We've had all sorts of Rolling Stones excuses for gigs being cancelled. Not really. There's a lot of them. They're a bit flaky, the Rolling Stones.

I don't think they're flaky, but I think they're a big team and, you know, they're more prone to ailments perhaps maybe Daniel Skipsy had an experience we already had Keith Richards I mean he does seem to be cropping up a bit

okay Keith Richards had the there was a problem with his finger Pierre wasn't there yes he was restringing his guitar yes allegedly it's great that he does that himself it's very noble of him

you think he'd found someone perhaps he's only got one guitar It's great that he does that himself. It's very noble of him. You'd think he'd found someone. Perhaps he's only got one guitar. He's probably got a thousand. Daniel Skipsy, a work associate of my dad's, invited us to the Czech Republic to see the Rolling Stones in 2006. That's the kind of work associates you want. Well, wait, aren't you sure you know someone at Absolute Radio? Not who would invite me to

Rolling Stones gig in the Czech Republic they did invite us to Rolling Stones gig London Stadium did they show up yeah we had a great time I'll say they did they showed up and then some

the morning after we booked flights the morning after we booked flights, the morning after we booked flights, the show was postponed as Keith Richards, or it is he again, was in hospital. No, do you know what happened this time? Oh, I remember this.

Falling from a tree. Oh, I do remember that, yeah. We flew to Prague anyway for no reason, but we still had a good time. I do remember the tree incident. Or is Mr Richards just a malingerer? What was he? I can't picture him climbing a tree, can you? Oh, I can?

Can you? Maybe he sleeps in a tree like the young Komodo dragon. Perhaps for safety's predators. There was something quite barky about him. He looks like a tree, that's for sure. Just the texture. He's got a barky skin

and that's no bad thing. If I saw his face in the knot of a tree, I'd assume the tree was talking to me. I wouldn't assume that he was sticking his head through. No, I couldn't see that.

I have seen his face in the knot of a tree. He gave Pocahontas all that advice in the film. Oh. That could be a good Halloween costume for him. Stick his head through the trunk. Yeah.

Wise old tree. Or just go naked. With an owl on his shoulder. And a bit of fake tan. What do you think I've come as, a tree? He's got one of those laughs. He just sticks a little green leaf on the end of his cigarette.

I wonder where that was going. Who are your top three people that laugh like that? Keith Richards. Yeah, Shane McGowan. You had him on your chat show. When he was on my chat show, he would laugh. His first laugh, he went and the audience

were looking around they thought it was interference honestly nobody knew nobody knew where it was coming from fantastic I highly recommend

looking it up on YouTube it's extraordinary he was brilliant though I have to say he was I don't think I could come up with a third

person who Matt Lee Matt Lee was one of our that's true. I can't do the asthmatic. Rod Embert, quickly, Derek Okora wants genuinely cancelled a gig due to unforeseen circumstances.

That can't be right, can it? Well... Perhaps it was... Was it Joe? Was he called Joe? What, his assistant? His familiar. He had a familiar.

It wasn't called Joe. I thought it was Joe, but if anyone knows the name of Derek Okora's What is a cistern? He's familiar. He had a familiar. That's a good old joke. I thought he was Joe, but if anyone knows the name of Derek Accor as familiar, could you just give us a quick text at 12.50? They're not open yet, the world of spirits. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. The switchboard has exploded at our ignorance.

It was, of course, Sam. Oh, Sam, the familiar, yes. Iona Faz, Barefoot Blogger, Kev Shaw, Louise Pyle, all the heavy hitters piling in on us. Thank you very much. It must have been, you know when you've had like a pen pal for years

and you finally meet? That's what it must have been like when old Derek ascended. Yes. Yeah, I hope they got on. Yeah. Everyone up there went, look who's here. Yeah. Him again.

I bet Derek was thinking, oh, I always assumed you were a blonde. Anyway. Boys, I'd like to raise something with you. There's a woman I've encountered in the news cycle, and she's become something of an icon to me. OK. This woman went viral after posting about her first date in which she decided to order 48...

I believe it was 48 oysters. Oh, yes. And her date was so disgusted by her decadence and greed that he made his excuses and left. He went to the bathroom, he said, I'm going to... And he just never came back. I mean, who hasn't been there? I imagine the shell stack provided cover for his escape.

The high shell stack on her side of the table. It looked like a midden. Yeah. Sort of Bronze Age. She did. Midden and piled up like you get in the Orkney. This woman is called Equana B because everybody is something...

Everyone has an initial rather than a surname these days as we know and Dustin J of course started that not like that Frank that's not an example it's more Cardi B Charlie XCX yes

don't send any in please don't send any in but basically my issue is she was at a place, because I accept that that is excessive for beer oysters. This is a first date, yeah? It's a first date. However, he picked the venue. He had said, do you want to meet for drinks?

He'd been texting her. So he did say drinks. However, he suggested meeting at Fontaine's Oyster House in Atlanta. Okay? He was a good golfer. Peter Oyster House.

I was going to say, I think Fontaine Oyster House was the crucial player in this year's World Cup in the rugby. Why take someone to an establishment called Fontaine's Oyster House if the prospect of eating oysters is so unacceptable to you?

I think that's a reasonable point. I think that's reasonable. I think the problem arises with 48 oysters and sides. Sides as well. Sides as well. Sides are an issue to you. What's the sides to basket? 48 oysters

and crab cakes and red skinned potatoes. Oh my goodness. This reminds me of last Saturday when we took Tim Key out and he ordered the lobster. Do you know he did, didn't he? He did. He went a bit lottery winner. Opportunistic. He went

very lottery winner on us. He went spend, spend, spend. If you take a poet to lunch, he will indulge. He will order the lobster. Yes, indeed. If he's listening, obviously, we didn't mind paying for that. Well, we did notice. We noticed. Yeah.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. The Oyster Lady. We're discussing Aquana Bee and the 48 Oysters. So he was expected to pay the guy. Well. Yes. Yeah, OK. I don't know.

She said he texted her afterwards and said, I think because he asked her out for the date, you know, I think it would be assumed that the Oscar might pick up the tab and the location chooser. And what was the location he chose, guys? I believe it was Fontaine's Oyster Bar. The very same. I was once taken out,

well, the first time my manager took me out for dinner, when the waiter came, he said to the waiter, you can have the menu and the ladies menu for him oh that's very nice and he brought the ladies menu which was a menu with no prices on it that's a class act i like that well so this this story is taking place in america where to this day even even for the young, it's very much the guy who pays on the first date.

That's much more of an expectation over there. Well, that's what it was always here. I couldn't possibly comment on my views on that, gentlemen, but it sure is nice of you if you do insist. Well, I couldn't have timed it worse because all my dating was done through the period where men were expected to pay. Yes. And all my settling down was done by the period where men were expected to share housework and childcare. So I got the worst of that. In those days, the men paid and then they went out and read the newspaper as a wife hoovered under their feet.

Yeah. And the kids screamed in the background. Yeah. You've timed it appallingly. No, I've had to do all the donkey work. Never mind. What about when I had a date

with a man who took me to a car park? Yeah, but... It's a terrible thing. I think you'll find that that is too dark for breakfast. Too dark for breakfast.

It was a nice car park, to be fair. It was one not far from where you live, if you know the one. But even so, if a man takes you to a car park. No, it wasn't for that he said let's meet there it was in the daytime okay and I parked my car

he didn't even have a car oh and then he just said I thought we'd go for a coffee and he just said I can't imagine you going out with someone who didn't have a car oh I don't mind

someone not having a car and then he said let's sit on that bench so we sat on that bench. So we sat on the bench in between all the exhausts and the number plates. Oh. And I just thought, are we ever going to move? Was it Jeremy Clarkson?

They would take you to a car park. Exactly. I know. I think it is taking advantage. Do you think so? Like 48. Who could eat that? I used to do a thing

on stage about oysters. Pierre could eat 48 oysters. I used to say that having a, the first time I had an oyster it was like licking

phlegm off a tortoise. 48 times. To do that 48 times really also aren't they aphrodisiacs I was going to say that might be why he fled

it might be he saw this woman loading up and thought no it's a bit was that Mae West one saying my boyfriend

had 12 oysters last night and one of them didn't work Frank Skinner Absolute Radio oysters last night and one of them didn't work. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Nice little quick email from Chris

regarding your dog singing. Yeah, it wasn't my dog. It was her. Your own impression of a dog singing, I should say. Chris says, when I was a student

in Manchester in the late 70s, there was a pub near Strangeways Prison which had a dog that sang I should say. Chris says, when I was a student in Manchester in the late 70s, there was a pub near Strangeways Prison which had a dog that sang. That sounds nice. Yeah.

It all sounds pretty sunny so far. Pub near Strangeways Prison which had a dog that sang or howled along to Amazing Grace. Oh, lovely.

After ten continuous plays of the song on the jukebox, the novelty wore a bit thin. Yeah, for the dog as well, I should think. The dog's going... Save my voice for tomorrow. All these encores.

My dad, when he was growing up in County Durham, when he was about four, my granddad would stand him on the bar with a little flat cap on his head and make him smoke a cigarette. And say, look at the little man. We made our own entertainment in those days. Oh, my God.

Can I just say, Absolute Radio does not approve. No, no, we disapprove of that. We didn't know then. Different times. The thing that I object to is the cowardly lion behavior of the man fleeing he shouldn't have fled to the bathroom i think it i understand that he objected but there are different ways you can make it clear to a date i ordered a pie once because just to see what it was like no do you know I ordered a pie once.

It's very odd. I'd sort of decided I didn't want to go, to use Frank's expression, I didn't want to go down into Love Lane with this man. Right. And I thought that a pie was... Would put him off. Yeah. I sort of felt it was the least romantic thing you could order. I thought it was a bit desperate Dan and he might get the hint.

I don't know why. So I said, I'll have the pie, please. And I did. I think Kat told me she was on a date once and they were on a bus or the tube or something. And she suddenly said, was it gastroenteritis? No, I'll tell you exactly what she said. She said, I can't, I'm going to have to go.

She said, my kidney has failed. Oh, right. Yeah. Gosh, well, that's, yeah. So did you make sure to eat the pie in a sort of... Yes, I did, and I said, I'll have the pie. In a non-sensual fashion. And I ordered it in a very gruff way.

I said, I'll have the pie, please. Oh, okay. I mean, I said, I'll have the pie, please. Oh, okay. I said, I'll have the pie, please. Like an underage drinker. Piper Miles, please. I'm going to have a pie. And the pie came and it was very stinky and large and desperate, Dan. Yeah.

And I wolfed down the crust. No salad. And do you know, I think it did the job. He never called. See, that would have drawn me in. I was going to say you're playing a dangerous game there

with that pie isn't it one of the you know what I've talked before about in the bathroom texting his family I've met her once she liked big pies

yeah deep voice I um yeah I've talked before about the flash frames you get early in a relationship you know about the flash frames you get early in a relationship. You know, they get flash frames in cinema. It's illegal, but it just imprints a tiny thing on your mind

and makes you think, oh. I think I told you once a woman who described Nick Hornby's fever pitch as a novel. And that was it. I knew that was it. It was over. It's non-fiction but um i'll tell you this after because the producer's having a bit of a thingy with me

i was talking about those flash frames that end the relationship. On a first date once, a woman was talking about a bloke at work and saying how two-faced he was. And I said, ah, a man can smile and smile and be a villain. And she goes, oh, you're a clever boy, aren't you? And I thought, this is going to get annoying. If one accepts that in basic terms I am indeed a clever boy, then that could start to get on my nerves.

Frank, what about that bloke? Do you remember that bloke who said to me of someone, oh, she's really zanny? Oh. And I said to you. I wonder how many people have dumped us on the strength

of such things minor foibles I was I know I was dumped I won't name her but I know I was dumped for can I say this

on breakfast for tongue kissing she didn't like it why didn't she just tell me I don't like you talking like this well I didn't like it much

I did it because I thought it was derriere. Oh, no. Derriere? Yeah. Yeah. I think 48 oysters is too much, though. I was not even brave enough to watch the video. She filmed herself doing this.

Why did she film herself? Because she's a maniac. Because they all film themselves now, Frank. This has all come to the nation's, the world's attention through her own efforts. And apparently many of the comments are saying it may not have been the expense, it may have been the sheer disgusting visceralness

of the slurping and smacking of lips and the actual sounds. The removal of grit. Yeah, but I just... Yeah, I know, but it's still... I say, she looked nice. She didn't look like a woman who ate enormous amounts. What do you mean? But it's the sounds.

It's the sounds, Frank. Not that you can... I mean, you can eat enormous amounts of it nicely. All I can say, guys... I think she's on the 5-2 diet. I think five days of fasting and then two days... Two days of oysters. I think she's on the 5-2 diet. I think five days of fasting and then two days. Two days of oysters. I think she's on the 48-2.

What I would also say is hiding in the toilet is a bit babyish. He fled through the toilet. If you're going to hide anywhere, I don't know, the kitchen maybe. But he fled, he fled. I think, it's too late now for a texting, but if anyone wants to get in touch with us in the week, people who've actually left mid-date, I think that would be.

Have you ever done it? No. I've contemplated it seriously, but what I've decided to do is just be objectionable, and then I'll sit there and be, and then they'll leave, generally. I haven't got the guts to actually leave. Just order pie.

That will end it quickly. I tell you, the pie ended it very quickly. But I've sort of left mid-date. Not physically left, but due to heavy drinking. The date has been ended by that old spoil sport on consciousness. Yes. I thought you meant you'd left sort of mentally and spiritually. Oh, no, I've done that many a time.

You've drifted into the different... I've done that three times during this show. No, I've certainly done that. I'm sure we all have. But to actually physically, you know, so I'm just going to get to the toilet and then leave, that's quite a thing, isn't it? I'm imagining, I predated the sort of computer dating,

is that what it's called? Yes. Just having a hot water bottle, it's a bit cold. Okay. I imagine then you must arrive and think, oh no, and then there must be lots of quick exits. I had a few one-pint dates, you might say, when I was doing the electronic computer data.

Is that with the blood transfusion unit? Yes, yeah, one pint, one biscuit, 48 biscuits later. I fled the blood donation van. Did you? It was all that slurping. How did you round it up then, after the one pint? The one pint,

I think it was always when there was a mutual sense of like, upon clapping eyes on each other, going, no. Yeah, that's what you want, isn't it? You want,

it's like speed chess or something like that. Once you both press the button. Yeah. No, I want to drag it out to an agonising conclusion. Well, it's good fodder for talking about on the radio. Yes, No, I want to drag it out to an agonising conclusion. Well, it's good fodder for talking about

on the radio. Yes, yes, that's true. Giant pies and such. Exactly. It could become a tradition. Way to the pie. No, please, I can do better.

What if I'm ever with anybody and I order a pie? Look, can I say this is important? Thanks for listening to the show this morning. And good Lord spares us. Kriegstatt Rise will be back in this time next week.

Now get out.