The Frank Skinner Show - Unscrupulous Retailers

Episode Date: September 2, 2023

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. The Radio Academy Award winning gang bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. This week, the team are back from Edinburgh and Frank has been on a walking holiday. There's discussion of a train station party, West Brom nobility and an owl.

This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. So this is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Pierre Novelli. You can text the show on 8-12-15, follow us on X and Instagram at Frank on the Radio. I just can't get used to it. Email via frank at absoluteradio.co.uk Oh, me taters and me fresh fried fish You can have a little if you wish You can have it on a plate or on a dish

Or in a little bit of paper Yes, it's Cockney Week on... Musical Week. I'm absolutely ready. What's your favourite Vendor cry? 8, 12, 15. One I've missed since COVID is, Evening, standard.

Yes. Do you still get that? I haven't seen them. No, the one I used to... There used to be a man who'd go, and he'd stand, and he'd stand, he'd got it down,

I must have done it a long time, and he'd steadily distilled it. To a sort of bird-like cry. Yeah. Exactly. Sort of waterfowl. I once encountered a sort of operatic guy like that

in Oxford Circus. Evening standard! Like he was really good at it. Is it like the Go Compare man? I hope not. I hope he didn't have, like, some bloke who isn't him dressed up who we're really not interested in who sat next to him and made remarks. They've really killed the Go Compare ads.

They've turned him into a celeb. I like the concept of them killing them. Prior to that, what, you think they were... I thought they were pretty good when he used to just sing. And now, I don't want to go backstage with the Go Compare, man. Are you suggesting they've sold out, Frank? Whoever thought... You know what these adverts do?

We need a sort of making of element really I think when a company gets an advert that resonates they're so astonished

that they finally managed to get through to the public that they just go right this until the end of the

world we cannot afford to not have this well I wonder if they tried to get rid of him if they tried to he tried to leave and he him. He tried to leave

and he said I'll have to be on there on myself is the only way. So they consider real me. Imaginary scenarios that they don't compare that to. When they first switched it he said like you know I am actually a really opera singer and they

showed a picture of him singing at the Albert Hall I thought that was a contractual thing I think you see the same thing with the meerkat well look that's a whole other thing everyone wants a meerkat

but they were the meerkat now they've gone oh he's got a friend who's a shark who's from Botswana oh no no no what they'll have

is the meerkat will be with the meerkat, but the meerkat with no costume, saying, of course, I actually do haunt the life in the wild. Meerkat with a cigarette. Exactly. I do eat beetles for real. You know, this is just, you know, an acting thing.

I always think it should be played absolutely straight, love. Oh, dear. You know what? It was transfer deadline day yesterday and I thought for the first time it finally

struck me and it's took years I actually they announced a transfer and I actually said out loud how much

because when you stand back from it there are average players going for like 15 million pounds it is the part of football I understand

the least what the transfer window no the amount of money oh I know I don't understand how it can possibly

be good value who's got where's it come from I don't know it should be taken from them by force and distributed to the poor. It's absolutely insane.

Oh, yeah, we'll buy that. Oh, it's only £34 million. Just stand back from that figure for a second and think what it would do to your community. You're saying there should be a sort of 1917 Winter Palace moment when it comes to... Yeah, I think we should just remember what 34 million quid actually is. It's not monopoly.

Someone's actually doing it. I don't know. I don't know where it comes from. You'll both have to explain to me. Well, I don't. Don't go knocking at our door. We've got a Chinese billionaire who doesn't have any money apparently. Oh, I've got to combine the harvest.

I saw them listed somewhere. Where was I? I was somewhere like Abington and they were listed on the coming soon. The Wurzels? Yeah. Are they from Birmingham? No, they're the most Bristol band that ever existed. Who are, who are?

Sorry, I thought he was lost on me. They sang about cider and farm vehicles. Did you just think regional life? Yeah, the regions, capital T, capital R. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I had some television issues in Edinburgh because I didn't see you guys in the last few days and, yeah, I had a lovely flat, which I really liked,

and then the television something happened to the television and the wi-fi and the television I could only get on BBC one I couldn't change the channel and I couldn't change the volume now if you ever tell me when you can't change the channel or the volume it basically functions as a window. So if there was nothing on BBC, why didn't I turn the telly off? It was like, you know, the 50s. But it wasn't worth calling, you know, The Man, because I only had, like, the last three days.

How insane was the volume? Oh, well, that was it. It was a little, at night, I tend to, I'm very, very caring for neighbours and things, especially in the flat, so I would normally go down a bit at night, but that wasn't an option anymore. But it wasn't, like, overbearing.

OK. Well, it depends what you're watching. Yes. Certain episodes of Question Time no it was the World Championship Athletics pre-show and then match of the day post-show was one of the things certainly

but I had I had a really nice flat, probably my favourite flat I've ever had in Edinburgh and I had one with a I once had one with a hot tub on the balcony. And we shared one once, Frank. We did. Am I good at washing for you?

I did, yeah, you did. I couldn't believe that Emily washed my actual pants. I mean, not by hand, I hasten to add. Not with a big mangle. No, but I hope you add... Although I need one. I hope you add some wooden tweezers. You know the wooden tweezers people use? I hope you add those.

Some tongs. You can imagine using them on your pants and then the next resident using them on the barbie. But anyway, it went so that this flat had been so good, the last day, it went a bit... I know I'll have to explain this reference, but it went a bit Devon Lock. Devon Lock, I think, was the king's horse that was winning...

I don't know if it was the National or the Derby, and it had, like, about three or four furlongs to go, and it jumped an imaginary fence. No-one ever knew what. It jumped an imaginary fence and No one ever knew why. It jumped an imaginary fence and fell. Oh, right. Now I think there'd be an investigation that something dodgy had gone on,

but it was like a strange ghost event. The horse seemed to see a fence that wasn't there. Oh, right. And so your flat was a Devon lot. So the flat was having been leading the field. I mean, something I didn't tell you about how So the flat was having done, been leading the field. I mean, something, I didn't tell you about how nice my flat was

because I thought Pierre might get resentful. Oh, and my flat was awful. You kept telling me how terrible your flat was and I thought, I'm keeping quiet about that. Let me give you a par exam.

I said to the man, where do I put, where do I put the bin? It's the man. You know, the man who comes round. They're all basically the same bloke, whoever it was, whatever they're for.

That's like, remember that story I told you when my friend was on a flight and you had David Beckham saying to his son, be quiet or the man will make you go off the plane. Yeah. What man? No, there's always a man. Anyway, the man will make you go off the plane. What man? There's always a man. Anyway, the man came round and I said,

where do I stick the bin bags? I can't see any bins. He said, no, you have to walk down the road to the bins. They're about 50 yards down the road. I said, why? He said, you can't have bins in here. These flats are at UNESCO World Heritage Site. Staying in Stonehenge.

I thought, I won't tell Pierre that. Don't tell Pierre it was the house where Penicillin was discovered. To be fair, my flat was also a historical artefact in terms of its fixtures. I went to Edinburgh Castle. Oh, Garth, you painted some drawings. I went to Edinburgh Castle and the governor took me up to the walls and said, it's a pretty good view, isn't it? I said, yeah, it is very similar to the view from my flat.

Daniel Skipsy has been in touch. Daniel Skipsy is leaving tonight on a plane. That might be news to his partner. Yeah. I believe this is one of the most us-missives we've ever received. I believe it was the Queen Mother's horse in the 1956 Grand National. Oh, was it? Is this a reference to what you were saying earlier, Devon? Devon Lock, yeah.

Okay. Fair enough. I'll take that one on the chin. Regarding... I thought it was the King's... I thought in those days that the husband owned all the wife's possessions. Regarding a shouted phrases that we don't hear anymore Vendors calls

Vendors cries 292 says Frank rephrase is not heard anymore When I was a boy in the 60s and used to stand on a stool At the Arsenal with my dad When they were at Highbury A man used to walk among the crowd with a big hold all Shouting peanuts tanner a bag

Oh Peanuts A tanner a bag of course not a tenner which is what I initially went oh my god no yeah no wouldn't be that much I was I was telling the team I'm speaking to you now listener I was telling the team earlier that I had a driver this week who said to me he'd been away in his, what's it called again? Fixed? Static Caravan. Static Caravan.

I love the idea of a static caravan. The very opposite of what it was designed for. Anyway, and he said, I went away and just me and the dog. He said, and it was lovely weather. He said, you know, one thing I didn't see all week. And I said, what was that with some trepidation? And he said, a clad. And even in isolation like that, it never really occurred to me that that was the pronunciation. A clad. I thought, how many A's are there in that? It really is. It's like clannad.

It really is Cockney Week. It really is. I told you it would be Cockney Week. And you didn't believe me, Mr. Holmes. Frank, the Barefoot Blogger has also been in touch. Oh, it's Barefoot Blogger. Now, the Barefoot Blogger should take the tune Barefoot Ballad from the Elvis Presley soundtrack album Kissing Cousins

and modify it. My advice is that the Barefoot Blogger should have a tetanus shot. Yeah, maybe you're right. That's another advice. It's so hot in this room. I honestly think we should be sitting with some mafiosi leaders in towels around them. Phew. It ain't half hot, Mum.

God, it really is. Cancelled. Meet the gang, cos the boys are here. It's quite problematic that way, that. Boys to entertain. I'm checking it slightly ahead. My brain's going slightly ahead before each lyric. Music and laughter to help you on your way.

Raise the rafters with a hey, hey, hey. So far, so good. Carry on. That's how you get into trouble. As soon as you think so far's good. Barefoot blogger. Vendor shouts. No, my emphasis was wrong there.

Vendor shouts. The newspaper guy in was wrong there. Vendor shouts... The newspaper guy in Liverpool... Do you know what they would say? No. Echo, echo? Are you familiar with that one? Did they say echo, echo? To which we would retort, it will if you shout.

But did they say echo, echo? No, I did it twice. Oh, I was hoping that they did their own echo. Yeah, they should have. Oh, you made them sound witty and then they actually were. Never mind. Oh, the fez is in position. Oh, my goodness, everything's gone so wrong.

I'm so hot I can't think. Why don't they come? Sorry, that's that bit when they're in a fort in the desert waiting for reinforcements that's how hot it is when I came back from Edinburgh

I was on the train and I was I'll be honest with you I'm going to walk front here I was in first class and it had been a long month and there was some

people who'd obviously been to the festival, one man was discussing plays he'd seen very loudly very much as if he was a critic and used terms like fabulous lyrical rhythm to a voice and, you know, the West Coast accent with poetry works,

which I thought, you know, fair enough. I mean, I hear myself saying stuff like this, but just because it's in a different accent doesn't make it all right. And then there's a phrase he used twice about this play, and he said, for me, there was too much... Let me get this right. He said it was emotionally incontinent.

And he used that a couple of times, and I thought, it's quite good, that. But not about a play but you know people who are emotionally incontinent yes I do especially in the arts yeah well anywhere get them anywhere

it could be some thick neck man with no socks on it's true was this man very very posh I don't know if he sounded quite... I don't want to be one of those people who... My least favourite word in the English language is pretentious because it's used by stupid people to make bright people shut up.

But this man sounded quite cravatted. Yeah, yeah. I think he was a bloke. He obviously did know about theatre, but, man. I think he was a bloke. He obviously didn't know about theatre. But man, I did think I was picking up Radio 4 on my phone accidentally. My one encounter with... It's quite fun when people who, like this guy who's very posh and he's speaking

like you would want him to about the fringe. It all lines up, you know. It's quite pleasing. The encounter I had during the fringe where someone really lined up with what you'd expect is when I gave a middle-aged German couple directions to the castle. It was quite fun, first of all, to have someone with a thick German accent say,

where is the castle? To here, exactly. I thought that was good. Take me to the castle. And then, where is the tunnel? I thought that was good take me to the castle and then where is the tunnel after I gave him directions to the castle

I said oh are you German and had a little chat and they said you're here for the show and I said yeah yeah and he said oh okay and I said so it's just there up the you know left

and up the hill and whatever and as the man turned to leave he went okay have fun as a man turned to leave, he went, OK, have fun. As a goodbye. OK, have fun. But he said this fully looking away from me,

already leaving. I hope he didn't say, OK, have fun. OK, have fun. Very nice. Pierre loves the German, though. We were walking through Edinburgh and we passed the Wurst booth where they sell various sausage-based foods.

Yes. The best stall, in my opinion. Yeah, and he says, are you actually German? And they said, yes. And he was in there. Was he? He loves the Germans. Did you see Harry Kane in his...

His new guys. Oh, did you see those, Frank? What was his new... Not Lederhosen. Yes! They put him in the Lederhosen. No, they didn't. Yes, they did.

Did he know or was he sleeping on the beach and it was done by mischievous boys? Harald Karner. Really? They looked a bit grubby, the Lederhosen. Well, he probably played in them. Not realising. Oh, God, I bet he didn't scotch guard before.

Frank Skinner. Absolute radio. Me and my partner, Kath, and our son, Boz, and our dog, went on a walking holiday this week. Got back from Edinburgh, I thought I'm going to walk. And we were on the train to Oxford where we began our ramble. And we stopped at Reading. And, you know, when you start watching people on the platform,

I said, I know that bloke. Look at that bloke. That's a celebrity bloke. And they're going, wait, I said, that bloke's a celebrity bloke. And Bosch took a quick photograph of him. And I said, he's a definite, I've seen him on the one show. What's he called? He does like, you know, those people who talk about...

And then I just couldn't get anything. Anyway, we went on a big search, people who've done The One Show. And I said, yeah, he does those people being ripped off. He does that on scrupulous retailers. I know exactly. Which I don't think exists. ripped off. He does look unscrupulous retailers. I know exactly who he is. Which I don't think exists. Sort of Edwardian reality show. I know exactly who you mean.

He's the retailer's equivalent of the sort of Greg Wallace type. Yes. He he's got the most modest stage name of all time. He's called Matt Allwright. But when we found it out,

honestly, people on the train must have thought, why is that family punching the air and shouting Matt Allwright? Oh, man, we were so excited to have got it. I like unscrupulous retailers, though. It would be good to translate more names of reality shows into sort of Edwardian. Yeah, I was thinking about that,

like dodgy pharmacists in Diaza Scam. I like the unscrupulous retailers, the voice they always adopt, which is the same when they're presenting the report. So we asked them for a scam. I like the unscrupulous retailers, the voice they always adopt which is the same when they're presenting the report. So we asked them for a comment. Yeah, obviously a bit more outright, there's a little hint of outrage in their voices. I mean, you know,

obviously they're good shows because they track down people who've been a bit naughty. That's a strange PR disclaimer you're giving at the end. Yeah. Obviously they're good shows. But, man, I don't know if Matt Allwright's name has ever been shouted in unison on public transport before like that.

Oh, well, I've dealt his business. But it was a special moment. You know when you actually get them? Oh, man, that was great. This is Frank Skinner. This is

Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Pierre Novelli. You can text the show on 81215.

Follow us on X and Instagram. Will I ever get over it? At Frank on the radio. Email. This is so bad.

Email via frank at absoluteradio.co.uk. This is like when those Victorian explorers found hieroglyphics for the first time and tried to work out what they meant. Oh, Mr. Holmes. hieroglyphics for the first time and tried to work out what they meant oh mr ohms oh i had a good i had a very good quote on the the news this morning which i thought i'll make a note of that and share it with all our readers they interviewed an american a former american soldier, who had been one of the people who'd guarded Saddam Hussein. And he said, well, the thing with Saddam Hussein is he was a real people person. I thought, I've never heard that said of him before.

Even, I think the phrase died with him. I haven't heard the phrase applied to anyone. A real people person. So you're saying he was the last great people person. Yeah, exactly. Did he have that on his CV as his skills? Great with people. They should never have hit his statue with a flip-flop

if he was a great people person, surely. Exactly. Do you think that was the hardest part for salem hussein about hiding in that spider hole just no one to chat to oh no it must that'd be terrible if you're gregarious you got lonely you got so lonely there's nothing worse than a gregarious hideaway i mean you're being torn torn apart i think by your yearnings i think i went to university with someone called Gregarious Hideaway. Yes, I knew an American, Gregarious Hideaway III.

Senator Hideaway. That's one of your popes, anyway. Listen, speaking of hiding away, I checked into a hotel this week with my family. Have you ever done this before? It's a hotel. There is no receptionist. What do you mean?

There's no receptionist. There's just forms. And you fill in forms, and there's like a metal post box, and you put the forms in there. And it tells you what room you're, you've been told in advance what your room number is and you go to your room and the keys inside the doors open and the keys inside it's like do you ever watch any of the old tv series, The Avengers, and Steed and Emma Peel would arrive at a village

where everyone had disappeared? It was like that. Where was this establishment? Well, I don't think I should name it. No, but roughly the area of the world. It was... Is it in the UK? Oh, it was on the Thames.

Oh, OK, OK. We did the Thames Path. Yes, you like the Thames Path. Oh, it's flat, you see, because the rivers, them don't go uphill. And they probably do, Pierre's about to tell me. And then the next place we went to, I got, what do you think about this? I got into the shower at the next place, and there was a half-used tablet of soap in there.

And I thought, you can't catch anything off soap, can you? Because soap is, it's clean. It's the epitome of clean. Can you get dirty soap? Well, this is very philosophical. Well, they're leaning much more towards this now, aren't they? This week on Philosophy Today, can you get

dirty soap? I know what you mean, Frank. In theory, you should be absolutely comfortable with that. Would I be? Absolutely not. It was clean shaven, if that's what you're wondering. The soap.

Yeah, good. How worn down was it? I'd say it had been through about half of its... Oh, that's quite rolled down. Yeah. Had it started... I like rolled down, but he was a very good writer. Yes, although...

He wasn't, actually. Frank, was it also... I don't like him much, if I'm going to be honest. Oh. That's a strange interlude. Frank, had the soap reached the stage, which, FYI, is my worst stage, when it starts almost separating, I don't like...

Oh, I don't like... No, not when you get that wood grain in there. I don't know what the exact dimensions are, but I favour soap generally over the other cleaning rivals, like shower gel and stuff. But you get to a smallness of the soap thing where I think, oh, I can't use this one anymore in the shower. This isn't going to have to go on the side of the sink for hand washing.

It's too small for this kind of work. But I'd love to know the exact size of that. I know it instinctively, but I'd love to put a millimetre on it. It's when it gets to the sort of communion wafer stage. Yes. It will be going straight in the bin, I'm afraid. Well, it's not an analogy I'm totally at ease with. Yes, I know what you mean.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Walk away, Linda says, from the used soap. The goo caused by water plus old skin cells provide lovely environment for micro bacteria to grow. Also a food source for some pathogens.

I don't know what that means. Yeah. Viruses. Oh, okay. Oh, Linda. That's great news. I mean, I didn't know it was going to get so heavy. I thought things have changed since the old

cuffs and bow ties yeah that is that's full on I must say I'm glad because what I actually did was I chocked it did you?

I think that's the correct course of action but I didn't know there'd be pathogens one could argue that is I think that's the correct course of action. But I didn't know there'd be pathogens. One could argue that is too dark for breakfast. Too dark for breakfast. Oh, Linda, what an honour. Not many get that. Regarding soap, Simon of Sudbury has got in touch

and says, Hi, Frank, Emily and Pierre. When it gets to communion wafer stage, my thrifty missus... Sorry, Frank. ..always attempts to stick it to the new pristine bar. Oh, I've tried that. Have you? Yes, it's like that time that the space shuttle toured Europe on the back of a Boeing 707.

It never looks at home there at all. There used to be a sort of a, I suppose you'd call it, it was a bit like a gibbet for soap. I do not like the sound of that. Yeah, and you'd put it in a cage, in a cage that was too small for it. Yeah. I remember my brother had an owl in a bodgerigar cage, and even as a child, I knew it was cruel.

Your brother had an owl? Hang on. I don't mind soap. Sorry, can we just... What the hell? Why do I only just know this? You're R. Terry. R. Terry was very, very obsessed with ornithological matters.

Oh, so it wasn't for a sort of Athena-themed Halloween costume? No, no. It was, but that was not a youth visit, but he liked the birds or something. No, no, he liked actual birds. So he had an app at all? Yeah, but he would capture wild birds and keep them in the house for a period of time. What?

I remember he used to wash a jackdaw, he used to use the bath in a plastic washing up bowl on the hearth. Water would be flying. I don't know if you've ever bathed a jackdaw, but they really splash about. Did he give them names? What was the owl called? Oh, I don't remember if he, but they really splash about. Did he give them names? What was the owl called? Oh, I don't remember if he gave them names.

The owl! But the owl, he put it on top of our... Me and Keith and him was in a bed... We shared a bedroom, the three boys, and Terry put the cage on top of the wardrobe. With the owl in it? So other owls would come. He hadn't really allowed for the fact

that owls are nocturnal. So the owls outside on the tree calling and this thing would be screeching in the night. He used to be absolutely terrified. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We had a thing called a meat safe. This is our Terry, by the way. Well, no, my mum and dad had a meat safe.

If you didn't have a fridge in those days, there was like a metal box, like a safe, but it had holes, little holes in it. Sounds a lot at all sinister. And you'd put your meat in there to keep it cool and the flies couldn't get through the little holes. Yeah. What happened to the meat safe?

Anyway, he kept a rat in there in our bedroom. My mum was frightened of mice. If she'd known there was a rat in there, honestly, it would have been a major explosion. So hang on, did the rat peacefully co-exist with the owl? And what did the jackdaw

have to say about all of this? I don't know if he had them all simultaneously. He was like a sort of early black country atom brat. That was like a sort of line from CSI

Farthing Wood. Did they get on? What did the jackdaw have to say about this? Well, see, I see him as what was the doctor do little he talks to the animals

shut up owl Terry suggested I think that the jackdaw could speak could be taught to speak do they speak

I think they're one of the smart ones I like the idea of all the owls outside at night going Alan Alan he's in here! We can get you out of there!

They were springing him from the moor. As I heard Frankie Fraser say. See, I dropped his moniker because I didn't know if it was appropriate. Yes, I don't know if you can still say that. No, I'll just call him that. Although, there is still a political party called the Monster Raving Loony Party. When's someone going to mention that?

That's true. They should be renamed to the... What? The Mental Health Party. Yeah. It doesn't have quite the same name. The Eccentric Mental Health Party. Anyway...

Go on. We was in our... On the walking holiday, we was in our hotel room in the night. And Boz has got very interested in cards now. He's been playing cards? Yeah. So he taught us a game, I don't know the name of it before you ask.

And it was Kat's deal, her first deal of the session. And I said, you're dealing the wrong way. She went absolutely ballistic. I mean, absolutely. And ended up storming off to bed, and that was the end of the game. And then Boz gave me a talking to about, you know, you two need to, you know, if I acted like that that you'd tell me off and all this i said but i don't think i did anything he said were you really upset mommy you

know and i said well what did i do i just said she was dealing the wrong way so the next day cat said to me right we need to talk this out and i said well, well, look, I said, look, I'm all for, you know, I'm all for saying this was partly my fault and all that stuff. I said, but all I said was

that you were dealing the wrong way. She said, exactly. You didn't say, you know, what was wrong with it or what I was doing that was so terrible or blah.

And I said, no, mate, you were dealing the wrong way. You know, it's supposed to go clockwise. She said, no, I meant you were dealing the wrong way. You know, it's supposed to go clockwise. She said, oh. And she thought it was a sort of thoroughgoing condemnation

of her entire dealing ethos. So she thought you were sitting there going, sloppy technique. The whole, the ideas behind it, you know, the abstract thought of dealing. You hold the pack at a 30-degree angle. And it was all shuttered down and without details. Yes, I understand. And it was just clockwise and anticlockwise. But it was a lovely end to an argument

because it was, oh, well, that's all right. And I thought if I had a day all ended like that, that would be lovely. Frank Skinner if only they all ended like that. That'd be lovely. Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Guess what I did yesterday? You can't.

It involved King's Cross Station. Yeah, what happened? Come on, well. What's that famous for? Molly knows. Molly's the assistant today. Is it something that will... Just shout it out, Molly.

It was the regular annual Hogwarts back to school day. Yeah, it was back to Hogwarts day. What? So, Harry Potter fans, and I spoke to people who'd travelled from certainly all over the country. There might have been people who'd come further than that. Oh, yeah.

And you all pile into King's Cross, standing around Platform 9 ¾. Yeah. And there were some people there from The Cursed Child, you know, the play in the West End. I met the Ron from it, called Tom Aldridge. The Ron.

The Ron. The wrestler. Tom Aldridge, who I was delighted to see, is a ginger. They don't go ginger face. No. In that play. And, oh, Ateeru was...

Well, what is it then, sorry? It's a party at a station. Well, what happens on September 1st? It is a party at the station. You've really filleted the idea there. Yeah. Not remotely intentionally. Come on, Frank. I want to know about the station there. Yeah. Not remotely intentionally. Come on, Frank.

I want to know about the station party. Well, the crux of it, when it first started, it was a bunch of Harry Potter fans getting together. And I don't think I can honestly call myself Harry. I like Harry Potter, but my son is absolutely mad about it. So I went along with him. It is very fine. I like anything to do

with Jack, your brother-in-law. His association made me like it. Yes, he wrote the stage playing my brother-in-law. But anyway, there was a bit when there was four girls saying, oh man, I love The Cursed Child, it's absolutely brilliant. And I said, you see that tall bloke

over there? He wrote it and they sort of pounced on him. They go, ah! They really did go, ah! But the main, what used to be a bunch of fans got together because at 11 o'clock on September the 1st is when Harry Potter gets on the train to Hogwarts. Okay. Well, to Hogsmeade.

And does he have an owl like our Terry? He gets an owl. Of course. He does, yeah. I hadn't even made the association. Yeah. Well, those are the only

two people I know without. What has your Terry been keeping from you all these years? And Ron has a rat as well. Are you the only muggle from a wizarding family? I have no one's owl, mate.

Family of wizards. He had a tattoo on his forehead. My dad had his special salt spell when he threw a handful of salt from his pocket into anyone who challenged him in the street. The eyes off. So you're comfortable with the whole Hogwarts vibe? But what happens is at 11 o'clock,

it's actually on the, you know the board you get at King's Cross? Oh. So it goes up 11 o'clock, Hogsmeade. And delayed on strike. And a voice says, the Hogwarts Express is leaving from platform 9 and 3, and all that.

And then there's an enormous, everyone holds their wands in the air and then there's a massive a massive chain I can't say that it's a nice Harry Potter thing you're making it awful there were a bunch of guys

from the RMT shouting scab at the wizarding train staff so hang on is there not a train I think it was a strike day as well Yeah, wizarding train stuff. So hang on, is there not a train? I think it was a strike day as well. Oh, my God, should we have even been there?

Does the train not exist then? Well, that's a long story, but it certainly wasn't at Platform 9 and 3 Quarters. Oh, they never are. Well, there is a platform or a train. It's a bit like the receptionist at that place I went to. It's all in the main. Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio.

Oh, I met Michelle Gale. She was there as well. She's in the play at the moment. Who does she play? She's in the play at the moment. Who does she play? She's Hermione. Me and Michelle Gale was once on a table at the Brits with Lennox Lewis, the boxer. And a man came over, a security man,

and said, Miss Campbell has arrived with her guests, being Naomi Campbell. And she needs you to move so she can sit at this table. And I remember saying, this is the every white champion of the world. Absolutely outraged. And Michelle said, I'm not. I said, no, not you.

No, I didn't. That didn't happen. And I said, he said, well, look, that's the message from Miss Campbell. I said, would you like to take a message from me to Miss Campbell? And he said, no, I don't think I would. Anyway, he went and told her we wouldn't move and she left. Oh. I know. Bizarre.

I think the beautiful get their own way enough in this world. You should have offered her some diamonds of uncertain provenance. Is that how she operates? I don't know. That's the most South African thing that's ever been said on commercial radio. She's quite a fan of them. Oh, is she? Oh, yes, there was a court case.

I mean, I was gripped. Anyway, you can't move Michelle Gale. No one puts Gale in the corner. And dare I say, Frank Skinner, we had a lovely moment, by the way, me and Pierre was walking through, I think it was George Square, and there was

guys giving out leaflets, and one says come and see a fringe legend. I said, I am a fringe legend! I said, I've got a mirror at home. But I could tell they were banking that, weren't they? That'll be retold. Yeah. God bless with my blessings.

How very magnanimous. I don't think he was good on Mastermind. So, I... The Mastercraft. This is what happened, anyway. They announced the 11 o'clock train to Gsley. Oh, this is the train party. Yeah, and there was a massive cheer.

Wands were waved. And then I went off to the toilet and I got hopelessly lost. Oh, God. I was missing for 15 minutes. Now, for those people listening at home who don't quite know the layout of King's Cross, I can vouch for the fact that the bit where they've sort of super glued half a trolley into the wall, that is platform nine and three quarters, is a direct line of sight from the entrance to the no no but i couldn't go to those ones it was full of wizards and they take ages

you know whizzing wizards is that what they call so you know about that toilet? It's full of warlocks. So I had to go to the one in the international station, whatever it's called. International toilet? Yeah. Anyway, I was missing for 15 minutes. My family were fouling me. I was describing things.

And they were saying, I've never seen that. I don't know where that is. You were saying, I'm near a boulangerie. It's bienvenue au Bruxelles. I've just seen a gendarme. In case you're new to the show, I get lost a lot. Don't worry, it's not my age. I've been getting lost since I was a child.

It is getting worse, though. But honestly, 15 minutes describing. I can see a big sign saying camden council and cat saying i don't know that that's the one i don't know i've got to tell you them before you but they would when i when i returned did she say to you if either part of said you're dealing the wrong way you said to me it was fine Me and Elliot had just been going up and down the escalators having fun. 15 minutes, Frank. I know.

I know, it was distressing. It's like being Martin Goyer. Do you remember that? When he goes missing from the village and then comes back. Is it the same bloke? We'll never know. Frank Skinner on absolute radio with Emily Dean and Pierre Novelli text the show on 8 12 15 follow us on X and

Instagram at Frank on the radio email via Frank at absolute radio co dot UK I think on X now didn't I read today, you've got to give your blood types and stuff. Have you? Yeah. A big close-up photo of your eye. Favourite collar. Yeah. So it's all right.

I'm glad I'm not on it. That passed me by. So, you know there was 5,000 people at King's Cross for Back to Hogwarts. Oh, still at the train station party. I can't believe that it was that many. I can. OK, 4,000, 5,000, 4,400.

But does that not genuinely... Sorry, I was going to say, Peter, what happens to the... Let's say I was attempting to genuinely... Yes, that was my question. ..travel somewhere. I think it was a strike day, wasn't it? So isn't it nice how things turn out? Now, I heard people in high-vis jackets saying you've got to have a gangway.

Yeah. Oh. Yeah. I'll be the judge of that. Yes. Oh, I do. I got a, my son got a goodie bag and a lovely Harry Potter goodie bag. What was in it?

Sweets and things. There was some butter beer. Sure. Oh. That's good. Have you tried it? It's a sort of intense milkshake, isn't it? Oh, it's good.

It's very good. It, no, it's like a butter fizzy butterscotch is what I would describe it anyway oh it's like when a

smoothie's been in the fridge for too long there was a you know when it gets a bit fizzy you see I quite like fruit juice when it gets a bit fizzy

well you say that we were somewhere fairly recently Frank in Edinburgh yes and you Frank he called it didn didn't you? You said, excuse me, my smoothie is a bit fizzy.

Yeah, and the boss of the place said, yeah, the fridge has been a bit dodgy just lately. I thought, okay, good to know. So there was a key ring representing the house um ravenclaw which i by a series of three different tests have been allotted in the harry potter houses and can i establish being somewhat ignorant of these houses is that a bad one raven no no in fact the ring here they have the slogan here on the key ring. What was that strange noise? We'll never know. Massive explosion ensues.

It says, wit, learning, wisdom. Come on! It's the nerd one. What a weird sense of pride. Come on. What's the bad one that no one wants? No, but that's good, isn't it? I was going to say Slytherin, that's the one I got no one wants? No, but that's good, isn't it? I was at Slytherin.

That's the one I got. Me too. We're both evil. Wit, learning, wisdom. I'm not saying it's the key ring I've been waiting my whole life for, but it is. Okay. What's the Slytherin motto?

We are evil. Yes, I think so. What's your living the dream key ring at 12.15? God. Really? How. Really? How many times? A man of your calibre. I'm going to give a supplementary question.

Have you ever been complimented on a key ring? I have, actually. We don't count luxury car. What about how many times have you really hurt that sensitive bit of skin under your fingernail when you've been trying to open the ring's metallic coils to fit another key? Oh.

They don't think that through, do they? They don't think it through. What do they think through nowadays? Nothing. Anyway, sorry about that, everyone. I put a slight issue with the microphone. I remember when one of my elderly, wealthy aunts died and my grandfather.

I always remember this as Charles. He looked at me and went, lion's over a piece of meat, dear. I know. That's what it is like. I, lion's over a piece of meat, dear. I know. That's what it is like. I thought, oh, a little insight into humanity there. Absolute radio. Yes.

And then the Radish Soap Company, who occasionally send me fabulously scented soap. Are you doing a collab? They send you scents. They send me soap. Frankincense. It's got names. They do comedy names like the show.

I'm going to have a look and see what we've got. What are they referencing? I'm going to get a tablet out here. So, for example, I can't read that one. Flying Ant Soap. Oh, yeah. Which you really hope. hope and says soap for believers

underneath frank's turning into some sort of influencer hey guys i just want to do boxing doing an unboxing for you guys i just want to do me me thank yous and someone sent me um actually it'll be the publishers sent me tie fights byights by Don Patterson. Don Patterson is a brilliant poet who has written an autobiography, which I'm told is brilliant. But I still didn't want to pay for it. And now here we are. As is the poetry podcast.

Here you wait. Whee! Poetry podcast. When I was back to Hogwarts, a guy went past and pointed at his phone. He was actually listening to it as he went past. Does that make you very happy? Yes, it did make me very happy.

What with that and my Ravenclaw key ring, it was quite a day. Not to mention the wizards in the toilet. Yes, oh God, and all the Ron and Imanis. There was some great cosplay. Oh, were there? I love a bit of cosplay. Yes, I do. I always dream when I go to Comic-Con I will cosplay.

But, you know, when you're an old man, you can only be Pa Kent, who adopted Superboy. That's all I've got left. Is that Marlon Brando? Pa Kent's sort of Midwest farmer outfit. Oh, it's not Marlon Brando. You could go as Marlon Brando from Superman.

He's lovely, sort of dressed from the future. Silver cape. Yeah, maybe I could go and talk to that Marlon Brando. And the lovely white hair. Do you remember that? Good luck, Jarrell. And take care of yourself. It was one of the most famous.

He got a million dollars for seven lines or something. They really went on about how much money. What's the most famous salaries? I think Marlon in Superman is in the top five. Eight, 12, 15. People who've had most talk about their salaries. Yeah. Jonah Hill got like a sort of equity minimum.

Oh, you know him, Frank. I don't know. Who's Jonah Hill? From Wolf of Wall Street and Superbad. He's a short, rotund man with curly hair. Yeah, you will know him if you can still last time, if you can still sign up. I don't know if I can still say it

because I think he might have lost a lot of weight. But anyway, he was so keen to work with DiCaprio on, it might have been Wolf of Wall Street, I'm not sure, that he accepted the sort of union minimum for the part even though he was an A-list celebrity. Yeah. Really? Yeah, yeah.

Sometimes they do. Who was it? Someone told me. Can this be true? My son told me that Tom Holland, when he first played Spider-Man, got ten grand for that movie. Did he?

I hope he got some percentages on the back end. Oh, I don't know. I couldn't tell in that outfit. Oh, my God, Frank. Frank Skinner. Absolute radio. Oh my god Frank Frank, may I briefly share this with you from Ultra Mugness, one of our regulars Morning Mugness I lost my wedding ring and while

waiting for a replacement I slipped a key ring coil on its place. Old Mar Mugness was none the wiser until the day before the new one arrived coil on its place. Old Mar Magnus was none the wiser. Really? Until the day before the new one arrived. Oh dear. I don't know what happened. I hope they

resolved it. I am reminded of the time of people at the after dinner speakers. I saw Betty Boothroyd do an after dinner and she said I'm reminded of the time and I thought you're not reminded it's on your notes

that's what's reminding you anyway. Magnus would like to add sorry Frank. No no let Modness add first. Let Modness add. That's my Latin motto. I was going to say Let Modness add. That's your Hogwarts.

Arnold Schwarzenegger talking of famous salaries or infamous salaries, was paid £21,428 per word in Terminator 2. Mmm, I didn't know that. This was up from £4,400 per word in the Terminator. I don't know if that was a headline. No. It sounds like a nice one for you. £1,400 per word in the Terminator. I don't know if that was a headline. No. Not an hour. It sounds like a nice one for you.

What was my most embarrassing moment with Arnold Schwarzenegger? I mean, there are so many to choose from. How can we narrow it down? When he asked you to spot for him. He offered me a low five, which I'd never seen before. So I did a very stooped sideways handshake. Oh, no, Frank. How embarrassing.

It was really embarrassing. What are you doing down there? It was like, oh, that's unusual. He said that a lot. I found him surprisingly attractive when I met him. Did you? No. Oh, okay.

He said, it's hot in here. And about three people appeared with tissues and started mopping his face. And he talked as if he hadn't even noticed it was happening. Like a pit stop. People were all over him dabbing. I don't mean dabbing. They weren't doing that. Like a pharaoh. It's the sort of thing that would happen to a pharaoh. We'll do it. No way you're dabbing. Like a pharaoh. I don't mean dabbing. They weren't doing that. Like a pharaoh.

It's the sort of thing that would happen to a pharaoh. We'll do it. No way you're dabbing. It won't help at all. Yes. Yes.

Frank, I need to discuss something with you this morning. Not on air. No, I really... I told you you would never call me at the office. This is most pressing.

Okay. Because there is a feudal title up for grabs oh yes maybe of serious interest to someone in this studio you bet your sweet bp especially now that you are a titled man well yeah entitled i think you're fine. Not remotely entitled, may I say. But this is going up for auction in Birmingham next month, and it is, Pierre? I think it's this month. Oh, is it this month? The Lordship of the Manor of West Bromwich.

I mean, come on. Frank, how much is it? It's 20 big ones. Yeah, but those holding prices, or whatever they call them, there's often nothing like that. It says 20 grand, doesn't it? It's the reserve, yeah. Which is obviously lewd.

Is it hereditary? What do you mean? I think it is. Would Buzz be Lord of West Bromwich as well? What I like is that the article phrases it in a way that I have to read in an American accent, which is one of the oldest genuine English nobility titles. Genuine!

It doesn't sound remotely snide or suspicious. Exactly. I must admit, though, I am slightly tempted by it. One thing... Lord of the Manor, Frank. Yeah, it says you get some fishing and mining rights. And you get waste rights as well. You get rights to people's waste.

You can claim the waste of the land. I don't want people's waste in West Bromwich. That's a rather regionalist. No, it's all right though. It's all right if you have local. Can I say, by the way, I had a lovely letter from John Fish, who works for the ABBA Voyage people,

and was very pleased that we enjoyed it so much. Me and my family have become a complete voyage family. Kat's been twice and he's planning to go again. Who's she? I might have to go to... You recommend this, don't you? I'm not even like, you know, one of those ABBA people. They were the evil empire when I was growing

up listening to heavy metal bands. But it is, yeah, it's amazing. It's absolutely amazing do you think um for reluctant visitors they could offer a service where you yourself are hologrammed in with your family or partner if you don't want to go um yeah they can turn and look and see you there as if you were really there expensive i'm not putting on a Andy Serkis suit. It'd be easier to just go. No, it is... Like I said, that bit where they say, thank you for the joy we're bringing,

and you look around and you think, they actually do bring joy. When I was at Pierre's gig, I thought the same thing. They don't let my hologram. When I was at my gig, I looked around and thought, Joy's a bit of an understatement. Anyway, Lord of West Bromwich, I quite fancy, you know my Burt's Certificate says,

born in the town of West Bromwich, in the district of West Bromwich, in the borough of West Bromwich. It honestly says that. It's stamped West Bromwich three times. I was born to be the Lord. Yeah. It would mean as well.

I was born to be the Lord. If you went to West Brom and came into, say, any room particularly and they went, oh, here he is, Lord of the Manor, they'd be correct. Yeah. No more sarcasm. It's an Anglo-Saxon title and you'll remember

for me a combo of Anglo-Saxon and West Brom it's honestly so far up it's like when cowboys and aliens came out I couldn't believe I couldn't believe my luck I've got to be honest

when I was reading about this there was a moment Pierre where it got to the bit in the article and it said, famous citizens who might be tempted include, and then there was a colon, and I felt stiff with stress when I got to that colon.

My colon is stiff with stress. Oh, here we go. Here we go. Who's going to hit that ball? There it goes. I knew. But, Anna, because I thought, you know what I thought? I thought, oh, please let it be

Frank. Please let Frank be first. And do you know what? To my utter joy, it said include Frank Skinner. Yes. I mean, like I say, I was actually born there. Robert Plant. Robert Plant, I think he's Wolverhampton.

He can't have it. I don't know where Cat Dealey's from. And Denise Lewis. Maybe. I think she's Birmingham. I could be wrong. Didn't mention Adrian Childs. No.

Now the mighty have fallen. These are the pretenders to your throne. He's saying Adrian Childs is a Bonnie Prince Childs. He's sort of across the sea. I was with Adrian in Edinburgh and the bloke said, Golden Age of ITV football. Brilliant. That's quite a thing to have shouted at you from across the...

No-one's ever shouted that at me. Across the square. Golden Age of... Is that the follow-up to the Golden Age of Elizabeth? Yes. And finally, finally Frank you'd have a right to all that

waste I know well I you know when you say that though I once went to

have you ever been to a council tip yes one imagines is that like the dump town dump

yeah Sons Stig when I got Solnes, Stig. When I got there... Stig? Stig and the dump. Did he have his helmet on? When I got there, my mate said,

I've got to get rid of this three-piece suite. Will you come with me down the dump? And I said, yeah. And I imagine Seabirds is what I thought would be there. And when I got there we parked the van and we started getting the sofa off get the heavy stuff first

a la Laurel and Hardy and these two blokes started helping us I thought that's lovely helping us they just helped us, we put it just straight onto their van it never actually touched we just loaded the three piece onto their van. It just took it away. It never actually touched. We just loaded the three-piece onto their van and it never touched the tip.

Only the tip's airspace was occupied by the three-piece suite. Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. But now here's a good question. What would you... Well, we'll be the judge of that. Thank you very much.

What would be the formal regalia that you would don as Lord of the Manor of West Bromwich? Oh, it's got to be a cape, Frank. Chains. Yes. I think you'll have no trouble getting hold of those

to the friends in the S&M community. Chains, locks, the big sort of pork-scratching hat. I think you'll have no trouble getting hold of those to the friends in the S&M community. Jane's Lux. The big sort of pork-scratching hat. The thing is, there is a dispute about whether West Bromwich is actually in the black country, which is a big, big thing because lots of the West Bromwich merchandise includes the phrase black country.

West Bromwich merch? Well, I. West Bromwich merch. Well, I mean West Bromwich Albion merch. But there used to be a man known as the black country preacher, Wesley Perrins, who went round the schools. He never actually came to us, but a friend was telling me that when he was at his school, I don't know if you'll be able to understand this, but if you don't, just stop me.

And he says, Some people say as Wes Bramwich is in the black country, but you'll mark my words. Eat I! Is what he said. Gosh. So in other words, you'd be purchasing the lordship of a disputed territory.

Oh, exactly, yeah. It doesn't end well from history. Well, the good news is, though... But Lord of West Bromwich, that would be something. What about Kath, Lady West Bromwich? Oh, well, you know, when I toyed with... You know, my birth name was already taken by an equity member, so I couldn't use it professionally,

so I adopted Frank Skinner. And if there's anyone out there who wants to adopt Frank Skinner, I am an orphan, Mr Holmes. There is someone that worked in films. I remember you showing once on one of your chat shows. When I interviewed Alice Cooper, the first thing he said was, you know there's a Frank Skinner who did all the music

for the old black and white Frankenstein and Dracula movies. Anyway, what was I saying? Oh, I don't know. I interrupted you a little. The equity thing, names. Yes. Oh, yes. So one of the names I toyed with was Where's Bromwich.

I was so glad you didn't do that. I know that. I can't do that I know that I can't believe it would have really dated you that it's a very 80 do you know what I mean it would have been

so wrong yes do you think everything would have gone wrong very dawn of alternative comedy yes it was

Hans Feet or something yeah so yeah there was a lot of those there was and the late and great

Ian Cognito as well. Yeah. I think Matt Welcome, remember him? Very good. Yeah. Do you see what I mean? There was a DJ called Robin Banks. Do you remember him?

Yes. That might have been his real name. I don't know. Frank, I've seen your crest as well. Always wear the stocking over his head. You've seen my crest as well always wear the stocking over it you've seen my crest no no that's iron filings

I spilt on my t-shirt thus is the bottom and it's really quite respectable what do you think of Gaudet Tentamin Virtus which is the slogan of the Lord of West Bromwich.

Oh, what is it? Strength rejoices in the challenge. It's a bit the sort of thing Jacob Rees-Mogg would say. Yeah, but I've never really rejoiced in the challenge. Well, of course strength rejoices in the challenge. Oh, you like a challenge. You work with me. Well... What would you...

Aye, aye. What would you change the motto to? We yam black country, aye to? We am black country, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh. I could hear the voice of Wesley Perrins from beyond the grave. I think you should change it to I'm having that in Latin. Yes. And the next episode of Frank Skinner's Poetry Podcast will be out Wednesday.

Robert Browning, come on. My last Duchess. You can't go wrong. And you can download it from wherever you get your podcast. Exclamation mark, it says on here. I'm very, how does one voice an exclamation? Download it from wherever you get your podcast.

Yes, horrible zaniness. Horrible zaniness. Horrible zaniness the third. That was that American kid I went to school with. Sounds like one of the poops. Zaniness the third. You're worshipful. You're eminent.

Well, you white lom lord of West Bromwich, I'll get some damn respect round here. Or I'll bring you me toxic waste I've got a bit of a toxic waste anyway look if the good lord spares us and the creeks don't rise we'll be back again this time

next week now get out