The Frank Skinner Show - Vegan Dracula

Episode Date: September 9, 2023

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. The Radio Academy Award winning gang bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. This week, the team are back from Edinburgh and Frank has been on a walking holiday. Frank has made a sweet shop discovery and tried some very dark chocolate. The team also discuss the best unseen characters in tv shows, bookmarks and Vlad the Impaler's plant based diet!

This is Frank Skinner and Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Pierre Novelli. You can text the show on 8-12-15, follow us on X and Instagram at frankontheradio. Email via frankatabsoluteradio.co.uk Okay, that's us. That's us described. Here's a funny thing, lady. I went into a... This is another Edinburgh reminiscence,

even though it was two weeks ago, but I forgot to tell you last week. There's a big sweet shop that's called something like the Cavalcade of Candy or something like that might not be that mr whiz pops fabulous treats exactly that sort of thing and it's just sweets and i went in there um with my child and i said uh oh i said smell them sweets it does make you feel like i might get some pick and mix or something and um i then went in a couple of days

later but towards the end of the evening when there was less people and i saw the guy um strange thing to do with your evening yeah it's a sweet shot it's about eight o'clock and uh um somebody they said can you turn that turn the machine up a bit to one of the guys? And he went over and he turned this machine up and he went like... And I realised it was the sweet smell. It was actually a machine pumping it out. And I'd fallen, I'd been drawn in

by the lovely smell of sweets and it was some synthetic... Oh, they lured you in as well. Synthetic, not like those sweets. No, no, but at least you couldn't eat... The organic au naturel. You can't eat the machine. No, that's true.

I've got a T-shirt with that on. It's a good band name. Yeah. Mr. Frank Skinner, whilst we're on the subject... Are you going to call me Mr Frank then as the Basil Brush like a loyal retainer

Mr Frank by the way Mr Frank go on Miss Emily whilst we're on the subject of sweet things I would like to send my gratitude to Anne from Tunnock's Tea Cates. I'm so happy there's still people called Anne. Yes.

I met Anne with the producer on a delayed train. With her producer or yours? No, ours. OK. On a train from Edinburgh. We were stuck on a train for about ten hours. Oh. No bathroom breaks for Ray.

No, yeah. Oh, what does a dog do on a train for ten hours? That's classified. That's between me and my fellow passengers. OK. But we met a charming lady, Frank, who worked for Tonics. Tonics is the tea cake manufacturer. Scottish, I believe.

Yes. In fact, I know they're Scottish because I did a TV series for a Scottish company. And they sent me a sort of Tonics gift basket. Oh. Which was very nice. I believe she worked for, it's a family business, Sir Archibald Boyd Tonic. Is what I believe his full name is. Archie Tonic, he was at school.

Fantastic. Was he in the beaner? Oh, he must have been. And she sent us, well, I mean, you've already got stuck into the bucket hats. Yes, I can't wear... I'd love a bucket hat that fit me. I see the England cricket team in bucket hats and they look so cool.

But I was pointing out, I actually need... Because my head is so big, I need a literal bucket and it doesn't look so good an actual bucket. So although you get a chin strap which you don't get with the bucket hat. That's true in high winds you'd be safer.

But they are lovely. Do you know what I liked is when the trolley came round she saw the caramel wafers, the tongue that's caramel wafers and Anne went, oh, there they are. Oh, lovely. A company woman. There they were because they're not here this morning.

Can we say we're not sponsored by tonics? No. It's just an act of human kindness. They've not paid us anything. No, well, they've given us free tonics. They did give us some particularly delicious milk chocolate ones. And then what happened to those, Frank? Well, the producer decided she was having them for herself.

Even though you'd done all the talking on the train, you'd made peace. I think you were the one who provided the glass beads by way of trade. And then the producer took the milk chocolate, which, as we all know, is better than dark chocolate. I disagree. Do you? I do. I'll tell you a little story after this break,

which will blow your mind. But she actually stole them. We never saw them. Well, I had to find it out as well. I took a punt, didn't I? Great interrogation. It was very Columbo. How did I do the interrogation?

It was good. You said, oh, it's odd we don't have any milk chocolate ones. It's almost like, I bet they're in the producer's cupboard, at which point the producer went red. Yeah. You got out your cigar. My wife's a big fan of tonics tea. Yeah, exactly.

If I could just get a sample. Just one more thing. Did you have any milk chocolate tonics? Seems strange that the most common type would not be in here. Just one thing negative, really. Just dark chocolate. Is that all they do, tonics? Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

Can I tell you something, Pierre? You've got quite a lot of food on your mouth. Oh, no. I didn't want to say that. I know, but someone's got it. That's what friends are for. It's tonics again. I once, I worked with a guy,

and he suddenly said to me, will you go up to the offices? The offices was where the middle class people were. We thought they were middle class. Looking back, they were just like us, pretending. Anyway, he said, can you go up to the offices and take this up to Mary or whatever? So I went up, and she said, I don't know what this is for.

I don't understand. So I walked all the way through the offices back again. When I got back, he was killing himself. And I'd got, can I say, something on my nose. Oh. And he deliberately set me up the offices so I could share it with everyone on the staff. There's a strange noise.

Maybe you can't hear it at home. It sounds like there's a mosquito in the microphone. Or a very, very slowly deflating balloon. Do you know what it sounds like? That sweet shop have been piping through some of that, some of the fumes, the sweet fumes. Don't worry, the producer will sort it out. Well, she would, but she's too busy eating those caramels.

Too busy, like Lady Macbeth washing her hands over and over, trying to get the milk chocolate off them. Did you know that Subway do the same thing with the smells? The bread smell. Now, do they? Well, there is fake... Who's drawn in by... Oh, the bread is supposed to be how you sell your house, isn't it? Yeah, that's right.

Getting a lovely fresh baked bread smell in there. Yeah, I'm really drawn in by bread. Do you know what? There could be carbs. I'll buy this place. Also, it seems quite a large amount of money to part with. Yeah. Just because, oh, it smells vaguely of dough.

Yeah, go to a bakery. Say that again. Buy a bakery. You'd think bakeries would be the easiest to sell, by definition. Yeah, exactly. Like, stank of bread. Exactly. Yeah, there must be a queue at a bakery because on the market it's an estate agent

saying we're going to be able to treble the price yeah given the uh the bread smell i've never been in a building that smelled this much of bread so we're very optimistic about what is it they say frank is it coffee and bread i think it's coffee as well is is it? Coffee and bread, is that a blur song? The gentrification of park life. Yes, I... He is a thing. He is a funny thing. There's a panic in the room.

We can hear a strange noise. Maybe you can't hear it at home, but I don't like... I think it's interfering with my natural vibes. Can we just ignore it and talk to me like a human being? Everyone's looking like there's gas leaking into the room. The producer will sort it out. I've got every fake in there. Last phrase in inverted commas.

Okay. Here's the thing I want to tell you. I went to the proms on Saturday night. Did you? You know to the proms on Saturday night. Did you? You know, the proms. Oom-pah-pah, oom-pah-pah. You know, all that stuff. And classical music, yes.

And I went to see the Aurora Orchestra. Ever heard of them? No. Well, they've got a distinct thing which singles them out from the other orchestras. Are they green and they only appear in the Northern Hemisphere? No. Lovely. Very good though. Thank you. Good night.

And they weren't at all Borealis if you're going to suggest that. No, they memorise the music. So they don't use sheet music at all. So they did a bit there was a bit of a speech before in which a senior member there

spoke about the trailblazing nature of this and I had what I would call a revelation and I'll explain it after this. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So I was at the proms, the Aurora Orchestra, who pride themselves on memorising the music rather than reading it off sheet music. And in fact, it was described by the lady who did the speech

as trailblazing and then i thought just a second i've just done 30 shows in edinburgh all memorized with improvisation as well added yeah oh no one's describing me as trailblazing and then it occurred to me the classical music and your orchestra they've been getting away with it for years being on script they are the lance armstrong of the arts with performance enhancing notes because if you think about it i don't just mean stand-up comedians but it's an opera if you think about it, I don't just mean stand-up comedians, but singers. If you go to an opera, the crowd save their loudest applause for the orchestra. Yes, we know who the true stars of the show are. Yeah, the ones with notes.

They're the real star. Sitting down. Sitting down. Lazy. Sitting down. The news readers of the entertainment world. The ones killing the forests. They're the heroes.

Where these singers have had to learn every note off by heart. Ballet dancers, rock musicians, and classical musicians just take their notes on. Yeah. I don't know about you, but if I see a stand-up comic doing like, maybe you do it, Pierre, and I don't want to jaunt. Too late, I already have. Wait, you know, they do work in progress and they've got notes

and I think, don't insult me, is what I always think. Oh, they bring on the iPad. I think it's fine for work in progress. Do you? Yeah, yeah, yeah. But you don't go to see orchestra in progress. No. Well, you don't.

I don't. So really, it's not trailblazing. It's sort of levelling up, is what I would call it. Immediately sort of stand up in the proms and start going, boo! Well, I said to a couple of people, what's the fuss about? I've been memorising shows for years, and they just looked to me like I was an oik. Exactly that.

What would they say? Would they say, oh, but it's hard? So you're right. I would guess ballet and opera singing and acting. You do Hamlet, you'll have to learn it. Yeah. Also, Frank, it's very nice, their little set-up down there in that pit.

They've got all the lights, lovely moody light. It's like a little study down there. Yeah, the arts equivalent of the newsreader. There it is, and you read it out. Then you get all the plaudits. Absolute scandal. You've exploded it. I have, and it's about time.

There's going to be a lot of very angry people in black tie outside your house. It reminds me of when I worked in a factory in my early working days. I was a labourer. And the other labourers would say, Whoa, slow down a bit. We don't want the management thinking we can do 20 of these when we've been doing eight for years. It's like that. I bet they're saying to the Aurora Orchestra,

hold on, don't let anyone know it's memorisable. You're getting in the way of a sweet deal. Yeah. It's like if I go to the circus, the people up in the area who have the safety net, I don't even watch that bit. I just look at my phone if they've got a safety net or a harness of any kind.

But if there's genuine danger, I'm hooked. What about when the clowns come out of the little car? Do you sort of watch them in the sort of respectful way you might watch a colleague? Yes. People of the same stripe as us. Yes, exactly. Yeah.

But even then, I'm hoping the car might over explode like in the Italian job. I'm hoping they'll have some sort of emotional breakdown generally at that point. I always think if I was a clown and I had something

terrible happen to me and I was telling them about it, I'd like to enhance my state by making T a squirt out of my eyes about four feet into the distance. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We've had a text in from... Oh, no, a tweet, I apologise, not a text in. An ex, do you mean?

An ex, sorry. Do you call an individual thing though? What do you call exes? Well, let's not get on to that. Ex post. They wanted to call them post. Ex file, you've had an ex file come in. We've had an ex file come in.

All right. From Helen, who says, I'm on tenterhooks waiting for you to explain why milk chocolate is better than dark. Well, last, only last night, I give you a slice of my life. Last night, my partner and my child and I sat at home watching athletics on the television and Kurt said,

Oh, I got some chocolate for my birthday. Would you like some? And we both became illuminated with anticipation. And she said, it's 100% cacao. And I thought, where did cacao come from? What happens when it used to be like, we just had cocoa? But anyway, it became cacao. And I had a square, and a square of it was big.

It was like two inches across. Is it very dark? It was like a paving. It didn't look any darker than your average not very nice plain chocolate. And it was bitter as the cod. It was like eating a very bitter candle. It's stuck to your lips and cloying. And me and Buzz were going,

Oh! It was the worst thing I've ever had in my mouth. No milk solids, no nice creaminess to it. Nothing, no sugar. I bet there was a very artsy-fartsy cardboard packaging as well. I didn't even... I think it came in one of those poo bags, people. It should have. Hessian sack.

It was... I would rather eat soil than 100% cacao. Was it? Is it cacao? Is that what it's called? Cacao. Cacao. Cacao. Cacao.

It's the very, sort of trendy, like, why not have a healthy treat and have a cacao nib? So we googled it. Yeah. Novelli style.

Yes. I was going to say, that's a nice evening. And, Googling your cacao. Yeah, so Kath read out remarks which varied from

most disgusting thing I've ever had, cheers from me and Boz, to once you've had it a few times, I didn't like it at first, but I thought, what are we persevering for? We could have nice chocolate that just, it's there at the door waiting for you, nice.

It's not somewhere back deep in the house that you have to travel to also the pure cacao is more expensive than the nice chocolate exactly let's spend more money on something nasty why is there a pain barrier you have to push on through oh man exactly if you were like if you were personal trainer said it's very tough, it'll get easier. I can see that. Yeah. A relationship, maybe marriage. But yeah, am I going to go the extra mile

for 100% cacao? No. I'm never, I can say now, I will never, ever eat that vile muck again. Frank Skimmer. Absolute radio. By, by, by the way, earlier, earlier in this show,

I mentioned Mrs Colombo. You did. As in, you know, my wife, etc, etc. That was in reference to me, I've got to be honest, nailing the producer. I mean, I really had a nail. Yes, you caught a brown-handed having stolen the milk chocolate tonics. Anyway, it occurred to me,

and you know me, I'm always looking for a texting. Favourite on-scene characters. Ooh. You're good, thanks, Skinner. Although she did have a spin-off series, Mrs Colombo, which bombed and I don't think it was ever shown in England.

Well, I suppose in that series, Colombo is the unseen character. I don't know, he might have. You know when they bring them in to help the spin-off? Yeah, the way... I don't know. He might have. You know when they bring them in to help the spin-off? Try and juice the... Yeah, the way... I don't know if he'd have done it. I think Morph appeared in the first Laverne and Shirley just to push them away from the jetty, so to speak.

Was Charlie ever seen in Charlie's Angels? I don't believe he was. I'm sure our readers can tell us. There was the man who was his sort of assistant, sort of butler was he? Arturia was never seen I think if any of you are old enough to remember

Ron Paul of the Bailey with Leo McCurney he would speak of she who must be obeyed In fact I think she might sit in the chair currently of the unseen characters There'll be others Can we count be obeyed. In fact, I think she might sit in the chair currently. Of the on-scene characters. Of the on-scene characters, yeah. There'll be others. Can we count

or semi-count the red-headed character from Happy Days who just went upstairs at one point and never came down again? Is that right? Yeah, they cut him after a couple of episodes. Who was that? There was an American soap where a man went out to chop wood and was never referred to ever again.

You assume there was some terrible Fargo-type incident. Dishy agents. By the way, Chris Hardy... Chris Hardy has been in touch, Frank. Chris Hardy stopped me in the street in Edinburgh. You know when people stop you in the street and they say, can I have a selfie or something like that? You know that, guys. Well, she said to me, I've done

a portrait of you. I mean that no one's well about four people have said it over a long period. And she has. And she sent it to me and it's lovely and it's based on, I believe it's Franz Howell's

Buffoon with Loot. Is itell's Buffoon with Lute. Is it really called Buffoon with Lute? Buffoon with Lute. I don't mean as in Elon Musk. I mean Lute. Lute as in the instrument. Yes. Lute.

Yeah. Yeah. Yes. It's a fantastic painting. We've just had a look. To the lascivious pleasing of a lute, as Richard III said. Yes, we'll put it up on our thing. It's me as the buffoon, but instead of a lute, I've got a banjolele.

I think she's really captured something. I do, I like it. Well done done Chris Hardy You can check out her website It's called chrishardyart.org It's not called Kiss Me Hardy It isn't called Kiss Me Hardy You don't want to attract unsavoury types

No, I think it was Looking back it was fine At the time We didn't know fine. At the time, we didn't know, you see. At the time, we thought, ooh, ooh. But now, we're thinking ahead of his time, Nelson. This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio

with Emily Dean and Pierre Novelli. You can text the show on A1215. I'm already laughing at saying X. I haven't got to it yet. Follow us on X and Instagram, Frank on the Radio. Email via frank at absoluteradio.co.uk. I had a letter from John Walsh. Remember who John Walsh is?

You won't remember. If you remembered this, I'd give you a rosette with Memory Man. What, so I can look like a 70s Tory MP? I don't think a member of the Aurora Orchestra would have remembered this. With their tremendous memory feats. But here we go. I do remember vaguely, Frank. Do you remember I got a big book on Conan the Barbarian?

Yes. The movie. Yes. And it was written by John Walsh, that book, who I've met several times at Doctor Who events at the BFI. That's nice. Nevertheless, it said, The publisher sent you an early copy,

so I didn't get a chance to sign it. The book plate sticker and bookmark are enclosed. So he sent me a signed sticker, which I've put in. But then he started riffing. John Walsh, publishers tell me that the number one bookmark is a train ticket. Right. I was surprised given how few paper tickets are in circulation. My preference is a cinema or theatre ticket.

Now, I went through a period, I've talked on the show about this, of trying to find a bookmark opposite to the book. Oh, I see. Thematically linked. So if I read The Fall by Albert Camus, I might use a fall ticket stub from when I went to see The Fall. Oh, I see. But they're not always that precise.

But I do try and get them close. Like if I was reading Tarzan of the Apes, I might use a banana as a bookmark. Anyway, he said, you asked, there's more from John Walsh. You asked last week, what were the most bought things not used much? I think I suggested the Rubik's Cube. And Professor Stephen Hawking's A Brief History of Time. There were other suggestions.

He said, bro, about the most used things that are not often bought, i.e. the bookmark. Oh, okay. I would say the coat hanger might be in that. Oh, you see, I deviate from that. I do buy coat hangers. You buy coat hangers. No, they just come.

If you wait, they'll come. Not wood. And I have to have wood. I've had crocheted ones that have just appeared. If you build it, I mean the wardrobe, they will come. If you assemble it, they will come. Yeah, just build a wardrobe and wait. Do you tolerate wire hangers?

Oh, yeah. Particularly like a wire hanger with its little fitted cardboard shelf to save the trousers. Oh, I find that a bit Delusions of Grandeur when it gets the cardboard out. Just accept that you're wire. Can I ask you a question, Peter? If you hang a suit, do you hang them on one hanger or do you have those separate trouser hangers that one sees?

Oh, those sort of rectangular hangers. No, I've got those sort of... Rectangles, I call them. The rectangles. Yeah. I always use that for my suits, Frank. Have a little... Don't you like the clippies? What, the separate...

Yeah, the clippies. I know, I don't like that mysterious plastic string that goes across it. What's that for? I've got some of those hangers that look like they're sort of coat hangers that have been to the gym. Oh, with a shoulder padded...

Oh, those with the big shoulders, yeah. For jackets. You would have those, muscle man. Tone in the barbarian hangers I was snubbed by the way By Pierre this week What? What happened?

How are you snubbed? I'm doing a week In the West End With my stand up show And I said Well I want Pierre as my support Oh Pierre's on tour I was told

When? Tight hair Tight hair This week? No, no. End of October. Oh, yes. I probably shouldn't have announced it.

You know this idea that you can't announce things that are going to happen. What difference does it make? What difference? No one's ever told me what difference. We all have to announce it on the same day. I'm never clear on the surprise aspect. No.

I'm telling you now, I'm doing a week at the Lyric at the end of October. If you want to get tickets, get in early. I don't know who my support will be because my first choice knocked me back. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Knocked me back. Frank, you were talking earlier about unseen characters, off-screen characters, essentially, in TV shows. And our readers, they've delivered.

They really have, haven't they? Yes, the correspondence has exploded. I mean, I don't know if we can count this. I'm going to. It's not a drama, but The Banker in Deal or No Deal. Oh, yes. Oh, yes. That's a good one.

The Banker. It was a little bit flirty with me when I was on Deal or No Deal. Really? Really. Did you meet The Banker when you were on Deal or No Deal? No. But it got a bit, oh, I'll see you after sort of thing, doing a phone call.

I read somewhere that Skippy the bush kangaroo was actually five kangaroos that were kept in a knotted sack in the back of a transit van. And they picked out the one that looked the most alert for the next scene. And was a wallaby. Was it picked out the one that looked the most alert for the next scene. And was a wallaby. Was it a wallaby? Yeah. They've just lied to us. I mean, that's outrageous.

So I wonder if there were several bankers. No, there was one man. Really? I had information about this. I knew someone who knew him. Nah, you're not allowed to meet him. He's like, what was that guy on Top Gear? Zig or something. The Stig. You called him Zig.

I never watched it. No interest in cars. Whatsoever. Rob Freeman, I hope you're comfortable with this, Frank. I think this is respectful, the way it's put. Unseen characters, God on Songs of Praise.

I think that is good. I like it. I like it. It's acknowledging that he is a character. I like it. She or she. Or she. I think he and she, probably.

Okay, yeah, absolutely. Maris from Frasier. In his likeness, male and female, he made them. There you are. Go on. Maris from Frasier. Maris. Niles Crane's wife. Yeah you are. Go on. Maris from Frasier. Maris. Niles Crane's wife.

Yeah, Frank will watch that. That's not very Frank. I don't like the American things that people talk about in the office. He doesn't like the American things. I like some American. I haven't really watched American TV shows since they weren't wearing Stetsons.

You'd like Frasier. I think I have seen Frasier. Yeah, okay. There was an English lady in it, wasn't there? Yes. Okay. And we've also had a lot of people saying... Good summary.

There was an English woman in it. Yes, yes. I just needed a point of contact oh thank god oh dear we've had a lot of people saying her indoors of course oh yeah uh arthur daly that was yeah minder minder i'm i'm worried that we've we something here. What? It's always the wife. My wife. My wife. She who must be obeyed, her indoors. There's an element of...

It's the women are the unseen. Yes, and Captain Manoring's wife as well, who's been mentioned here. Okay. A lot, yeah. She was named, was she she at least well richie rich says favorite unseen character mrs captain mannering always elizabeth on the end of the phone line closest we got to seeing her on screen was a large droop in the air raid shelter top bunk bed

hit his head against that was the closest they got to feminism in the 70s That was the closest they got to feminism in the 70s. The fact that she was named. She had a name. She actually had a name. Complaining. I can't believe they named the wife. Well, women's livers. They'll be burning their bras.

Frank, just to restore balance, though, some characters of all genders are in this. Oh, good. From Mark Allen. Favourite unseen characters? Shane 2. Oh that is cruel and cutting. In case you

don't know I wrote an entire sitcom. We filmed it. We edited it. We polished it up. The sound dob was done. It was delivered to ITV and there it remains. On a shelf, unseen. Mm.

Yeah, good point, though. We've been discussing greatest unseen characters. Yeah. And I rather like this one. I think this will appeal to you as well. Godot, Dean has suggested. Oh, we've had God and Godot. Fantastic.

And Shane too, lest we forget. Yes, yes, we've had that. A few people getting in touch saying, the thing upstairs from Trapdoor. Feed me. That kid's cartoon, no? I don't like kid's cartoon. I don't know about that.

I thought you guys would. How do I know a British reference and you guys don't? I only ever watched one kid's cartoon and that was Hair Bear Bunch. I just find them depressing. Hair Bear Bunch, yeah. At the Wonderland Zoo.

It just felt vaguely aspirational, that. They were making their houses nicer. The Hair Bear Bunch. Yeah, I like that. I thought they were aspirational characters. They dress nicely. I find cartoon characters very depressing. What about Yogi Bear?

He's aspirational. He wants picnic baskets. Oh, really depressing life. In the woods. He just wears a hat. What are you, a bear or a man? Pick a lane. All right, all right.

I'll do PSS that two or three times a week. I get enough of that at home. I don't need to come to the radio station and have that thrown in my face. Frank, Steve Burgess. Yes. Steve Burgess. What does that sound like? It sounds like he should be something.

Steve Burgess. Where should he work? A traitor. Wasn't Burgess and Maclean the two of them? Yes. Steve Traitor Burgess. The teacher are two of the... Steve Tray to Blunt, of course. Steve Tray to Burgess. The teacher on the Charlie Brown cartoons. Yes.

We hear them. We do hear them, though, don't we? Well, we hear wah-wah-wah. Yeah, we do hear that. Oh, they don't do wah-wah-wah today. That's how they talk. No, they go... Yeah, but I didn't know that.

That's how it goes. I used to love those Charlie Brown cartoons. They were good. And the fun dancing style of Snoopy the dog. Yeah. And that sort of slightly disturbing piano. Yeah. I found that so depressing.

Slightly discordant or sort of oddly paced. An unsettling watch. Memorised, of course. Probably wasn't. Mark has been in touch on the subject. Couldn't be bothered. Who was that person? We need to dig that out.

Someone rather brilliant also messaged us to point out that they're dependent on someone else to tell them what to do, i.e. the conductor. They can't even do their job without guidance. Can't even keep time.

You'd think keeping time might be a thing a musician could do. This thing is a house of cards. It's collapsing in front of us. This has been a scam. It is classical music hiding in plain sight. By the way, you'll never guess who was principal bassoon

in that orchestra. I should say that the Rites of Spring, as performed by the Aurora Orchestra, is the most I've ever enjoyed a classical music. It was brilliant. So it was brilliant. That's because they learnt it. Yeah, exactly. They practised it. It'd be better if they weren't just reading it you know you

turn the page Jeff like that but principal bassoon was Amy Harmon the daughter of Harriet oh if you remember one said to me at the opera, well, don't tell me you like opera. Oh, very progressive. I like the idea of a character called Principal Bassoon. Yeah, that would be in... Greece. Yeah, it's a national lampoon. No, it'd be too much like Lampoon.

I wouldn't let it get through the meeting. All right, well, it's not actually being suggested, guys. Oh, sorry, I thought... Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Frank, Mark has been in touch. Sorry, I thought that was a dog barking.

No. Carry on. Dear Frank and team, I'm 100% with you on the subject of milk versus dark chocolate. Oh, God, yes. Why is there even a debate about it? But I'll tell you what I wouldn't say. It's not graded in quality.

So I don't necessarily feel that Milky Bar is better than milk. It doesn't get better as it gets lighter. No. There is a via media, which is milk chocolate, and that to me is the pinnacle. Although you introduced me to something pretty special, which was a Buzz discovery, I believe.

Oh, well, blonde chocolate is. I mean, I put that out on it, so... Blondie chocolate. Blonde chocolate is the creme de la creme. Plain chocolate is chocolate for people who don't like chocolate, I would say. Really? Plain chocolate? Plain chocolate

is people trying to be a bit serious. You are layering opinion upon opinion on people's chocolate preferences. I always felt it was something like, you always bought your dad it in the 70s because the concept of chocolate was a bit babyish. It's like people say, oh, I don't have a television.

Oh, I like plain chocolate. Oh, do you? But where do you put fruit and nut in all this, Frank? But that doesn't fit into plain chocolate, does it? Some of those ads were a bit problematic, so can we be careful there? OK? Some of those TV ads were a bit problematic. Were they? Yeah.

Oh, everyone's in there. Yeah, OK, Frank. No, I don't think... Let's not risk it. You mean back when they said, Fruit and nut, Hitler's favourite treat. Very problematic. Can I finish what Mark was going to say? Yeah, sorry. sorry, Mark.

Mark continues, Gavin Rankin, owner of Bellamy's Restaurant in Mayfair, where the late Queen ate celebratory meals on a number of occasions, famously there, they serve a bowl of milk chocolate galaxy minstrels at the end of each meal and wait for the most brilliantly posh thing ever, saying, one should never underestimate the honest appeal of cheap chocolate.

Wow. It's a damn great and truly classy joint. Good enough for Her Late Majesty. So the Queen would eat chocolate skittles? That's not confirmed. It is implied that Her Majesty... That's yet to be confirmed, but exactly. It's implied this was a tradition they embraced

and she would have similarly... You have to be like a sort of equerry. We can confirm that Her Majesty was presented with the instruments as to the consumption of wealth. She was a famously good appetite, though, the Queen. Oh, yeah? Was she? Did she? At school, she was known as Elizabeth II.

Really? Yes! Are you actually doing this? Well, yeah. I was there when she got her birthday cake on her 93rd birthday, and that was a big one. Was it? Yeah.

She had tiny arms as well. No, she couldn't completely embrace it. That's why they called her Elizabeth Rex. Oh. Oh. God. Yeah, there we go. I feel we're on a declining scale.

Yes. To talk orchestra again. Well, you haven't just got there, mate. Yeah, to talk orchestra. And now, Frank, my favourite dream of yours that you've ever had. Yes, I don't normally tell people about dreams. 8, 12, 15.

Favourite dream that Frank Skinner've ever had? Yes, I don't normally tell people about dreams. 8, 12, 15. Favourite dream that Frank Skinner has ever had. Yes. What about my one when Judy Finnegan was driving me to a talk by Chancellor Helmut Kohl and I'm honestly not mad, this was a dream. And we got there and I sit next to Judy and at one point she just stands up with a pistol and shoots Helmut Kohl.

But anyway, I had another one when there was something terrifying at the top of the stairs and it was Dracula. And when I woke up, I was so embarrassed that my subconscious was so route one. I woke up thinking, Dracula! Is that the best you can come up with? And it wasn't even like a kind of modern,

like, oh, it's Dracula, but we've given him quite animalistic. No, I'd done nothing with it. No, I decided also, Frank, was it Dracula in the fancy dress? It was absolutely always slightly overdressed. Like I say, people was it Dracula in the fancy dress? Opera. It was absolutely always slightly out of a dress. Like I said, people say to Dracula all the time, oh, you're going somewhere nice. I always dress like this. And he's got a sort of MBE around his neck or whatever.

Exactly. He's got a little medal there or something. He's also, I reckon he, do you think he has pyjamas with those stiff collars and a top? Yeah, he probably has a T-shirt with the badge and the tie and everything, like Cliff Richards used to wear with the suit on. Just for a bit of Netflix and chill tonight. Do you think with his collars, he's like,

I can't get them to stay down. So there's an interesting article as a fan of Dracula. Yeah, we've just warmed up the Dracula bed. Now we can jump into it together. Oh, no, thank you. Come on, fire it up. Allegedly, perhaps the real life Dracula was a vegan. A palace, a castle spokesman.

A castle spokesman. We don't like to talk about the Count's diet. They think he was a V. They think he was a V. He was based, the theory is... Who's this, Mr Impaler? Well, the theory is that Bram Stoker, who wrote Dracula, based him on a 15th century nobleman called Vlad the Impaler.

It said in the article, all so known as Vlad Dracula, which I didn't know. So he didn't even make the name up. Oh, yeah. Is there a Mr. Dracula home? Speaking. Letter from Mr. C, Dracula. He goes there saying,

you have to hide better than this. He goes Frankenstein. He goes the other one. Do you know what? I actually find that very offensive to the impaler community. Renfield. To the impaling community, I should say.

That's what I'm thinking of. What are you thinking? Isn't Renfield his assistant, Dracula? Well, Renfield is sort of imprisonedaling community, I should say. That's what I'm thinking of. What are you thinking? Isn't Renfield his assistant, Dracula? Well, Renfield is sort of imprisoned by him. He goes there. Hang on, that does count Dracula. Isn't he a sort of estate agent? Yeah, but he becomes a sort of minion of Dracula's.

Well, they all do on Spittin'. Anyway, we're not here to recount. Are we? To recount. Oh, ah, ah, ah. We do know what he looked like, though, don't we? To recount? Oh, ah, ah, ah. We do know what he looked like, though, don't we? Yeah, we know what Vlad the Impaler looked like. He had swollen nostrils, bushy black eyebrows and a moustache.

Yeah. What do you think of that? And he used to say stuff like, well, that is the worst thing I ever heard. If I dance any closer, I'll be in back of you. I think that was... She was so thin, she swallowed a tomato and three guys left town.

That's what he was like. You get into a taxi and 42 people would come out the other side. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Next. Well, we were on Dracula. Oh, we were talking about Vlad the Impaler, the man who Dracula was based on. There was a revelation this week.

Yes. That he may have been a vegan. Yeah, vegan Dracula. Yeah. That is the headline. Which, I don't know, instantly made me sing Vegan Dracula to the tune of Nat King Cole's Unforgettable. Vegan Dracula, that's what you are. Vegan Dracula

We're near or far Anyway I quite like the article had a line, nothing screams bloodthirsty vampire quite like the name Dracula Well yes, that is true They're not wrong

Would you say though, I think this isn't great for Dracula's brand is it? this isn't great for Dracula's brand, is it? It's not great for vegans' brand. No. Especially when you couple it with, wasn't Hitler a vegetarian? Yes. There's a theme here.

Oh, no. It's in Middle European. These people suppress their physical appetites, but their mental appetites go through the ceiling. Maybe not these people. Well. It makes sense that Dracula was a vegan, though, because he was terrified of steaks.

Ah. Ah. Mm. Mm. Mm. Mm. Mm. Mm.

Mm. Mm. Mm. Mm. Mm. Mm. Mm. Mm.

Mm. Mm. Mm. Mm. Mm. Mm. Mm. Mm.

Mm. Mm. Mm. Mm. Mm. Mm. Mm. Mm.

Mm. Mm. Mm. Mm. Mm. Mm. Mm. Mm.

Mm. Mm. Mm. Mm. Mm. Mm. Mm. Mm.

Mm. Mm. Mm. Mm. Mm. Mm. Mm. Mm.

Mm. Mm. Mm. Mm. Mm. Mm. Mm. Mm.

Mm. Mm. Mm. Mm. Mm. Mm. Mm. Mm.

Mm. Mm. Mm. Mm. Mm. Mm. Mm. Mm.

Mm. Mm. Mm. Mm. Mm. Mm. Mm. Mm.

Mm. Mm. Mm. Mm. Mm. Mm. Mm. Mm. Mm. Mm.ans. You would know. You must have seen them in parlours in the wild, Pierre. Have you? Thousands. Have you? Loads, yeah.

Are they nice, are they? Yeah, they're sort of what they call the McDonald's of the bush. What do you mean? They're what everyone eats. They're just food running around. He doesn't have all sensitivities, Frank. No. British people only like animals with eyelashes.

Donkeys, deer, anything with eyelashes. Don't you judge us. He had long eyelashes, Vlad. Did he? I actually think he sounds quite good looking. Vlad. Don't you, in fact? There is a portrait of him.

I liked it, what I saw. Vlad, the thing that sticks in my mind about Vlad, obviously, apart from the basic impaler. It will stick in your mind. It's odd because it's weird. From the legend, if he has taken it from Vlad the Impaler, he sort of takes... Vlad the Impaler had wooden stakes at the bottom of his castle

that he used to throw people onto or have them thrown and the fact that he has Dracula killed by a wooden stake is a bit the biter bit as it were oh I see he got his revenge

but one thing that the historical Vlad famously did was a group of diplomats went to talk to him about his treatment of the local villagers and he sent them back with their hats nailed to their heads.

I mean, it was windy, to be fair. So he actually... He was quite considerate in his own way. He invented the hat pin. In its early form. considerate in his own way. He invented the hat pin. Vlad the Impaler. In its early form. I bet he was quite hard work to have a relationship with. I don't know if he was married.

Yeah, I don't. It'd be funny to see. Mrs Impaler. Vlad the Impaler? Never married? What a shame. What about one of your 10s attends Royal Balls? Vlad and the lady Impaler. Impaler!

I could imagine in Hampstead meeting a posh and pretty young girl called something like Impaler Jackson. Yes, definitely. If you don't mind, it's Mrs Impaler to you. I think we should encourage Impaler to become a name. I was going to say a Christian name, but I don't know what his beliefs were.

I think he might have been one of yours. Do you think? Yeah. I wouldn't say he followed the teaching of the Nazarene to the letter. But, you know. He got confused. Yeah. No, he's...

Certainly doesn't react well to crosses currently. But it's... No. But it is... It's a shocker, isn't it? The vegan. What about the... You only just hurt.

It's not the vegan thing. It's... It's just not right. We're talking about the impalers. Yes, and vegan Dracula. Yes. And they've discovered this, Frank, because I think it's letters, is it?

Is it old letters? Yes. You might think that the way to discover if Dracula is vegan is just to ask him, but the historical Dracula is actually dead. Yes. So they had to use... The team at, where is it, the University of Catania? Somewhere in Italy.

Extracted blood, sweat, fingerprints and saliva, messy writer, from a letter he wrote. It must have been a hell of a letter. I bet he wrote a lot of letters like that. I bet it was about parking, local parking.

He's just furious. Disgusted Transylvania. He was right to the council all the time. There was three tickets on his coach when he went out to it. Yeah. I'll nail this to their heads. Oh, you've done that already.

Have a new thing. They kept missing his bin collections. I bet he's got that. Trust me, he had big bin collections, Frank. But I bet when he got the tickets, he put them on one of those metal spikes where you put your paperwork. He only ever eating shish kebabs,

just in every aspect of his life. Blood. And in pain. So it turns out he wasn't a bloodthirsty monster. He was a bit more halloumi and roasted cauliflower. He was? Yeah. I love him.

He thirsted for nutrition. Well, he had a disease I wasn't familiar with, but it sounds awful. In that he... Absolute radio. They think he... Oh, no.

Has he gone too dark for breakfast? Too dark for breakfast! Yeah! Too dark for breakfast! So, um... I was dancing in my chair. Yes, there's an illness where you cry tears of blood. Like Le Chiffre. Oh, Le Chiffre, I had it in Casino Royale. I think I once did it in Smethwick Supplementary Benefit Office

when it was suggested I might look for work. Too dark for breakfast! So they tested all the saliva and the DNA to discover this disease and to discover the diet. That is a real thing, isn't it? Yes. That you... No, they really do think he had it.

Yes. Is that just a happy coincidence? That's how he got... Well, not the happy, I shouldn't think. But the Nazarene did it in the Garden of Gethsemane. Really? Just saying. OK.

They say that he... Too religious for breakfast! They say that this letter wasn't to the council. No. It was written to the burghers of Sibiu by Dracula. Of course, he didn't like burghers. No, he wanted to see how...

This is... I strongly object. May I suggest you have a portobello mushroom? Instead. There are plenty of decent plant-based substitutes. He wrote to the townsfolk of Sibiu. I bet he did. To inform them that he would soon be living in their village.

Oh, great news. Imagine getting that letter. There is nothing more frightening than discovering that a vegan is coming to visit. How dare you. How do we cater to him? Do you think they wrote back to him with dietary requirements? No, it's all right. Just bring yourself.

Can they bring anything? We tried to fight him with garlic. He just ate it. You never touch those virgins. Oh, God. Frank Skinner. Absolute radio. Can I say, by the way,

we've been talking about Vlad the Impaler being a vegan based on scientific research. And I fully expected, whenever we talk about research on this programme, at the end, it's usually been done by Toblerone yes or Insight Soap magazine this was done by the journal Analytical Chemistry yes so I think this is

the real thing although I did uh I was going to save this till the end put on my fact-based ruin the fun hat oh god we do love you for here we go. We do love you for that, as long as you put it on at the end. Yeah. Here he is to pop the balloon. We've all spent a little bit of time each blowing up the balloon, and now it's time to pop it.

We've all had way too much fun. Right. Time for bed, everyone. Big cold bed of facts. I'm a bit sceptical of this. Why? Because often this kind of ruler wouldn't be the one writing their

own letter. So the saliva and the fingerprints would be of his servants. Yeah, but Vlad was a control freak. Oh, I think he wrote his own letters. Some of the rulers were illiterate. It was signed, but maybe they got it all

from the signature. Those were just two puncture holes from a stapler. Did he say signed? What is it? Vlad Dracula. Vlad Dracula. Too obvious. Just say Vlad. Signed Vlad, brackets, Dracula.

Just in case you didn't know. I was trying to think of rebranding Dracula stuff for if he was vegan, right? So you know how original Dracula turns into a bat? Oh, gee. Just like a dandelion just drifts away. Oh, no. Like that?

That would be the vegan version? I think to rebrand dracula maybe if we he needs to come out with some sort of leisure wear just sort of like look i'm never never drackeys dracula i think his formality is really you can't ever see him in a baseball cap? I can imagine as well. I once met the celebrity homosexual Quentin Crisp. And he was one of the first high-profile gay men.

And I saw his off-Broadway show, and his whole thing was that he always wore, he never washed anything, he never cleaned his flat. And he was very powdered and he had dust on his shoulders. I mean, he really did look like a Victorian, sort of Edwardian gentleman had appeared from the past. And I imagine that Dracula, I think he just wears that stuff all the time. I think he must smell a bit of the mortuary.

Yes, I imagine the cloak was a little bit shiny as well. I don't think he's just left his valet after a shower and everything, got a new set of uh nice gear no dry cleaners open at night no drac cleaners um i was trying to think as well of because you know the the dracula phrases i want to suck your blood did he ever say that did he say that that was just my yard that was just yes it was a bit more too Ronnie's idea of Dracula, wasn't it? But I thought, what's the vegan version of that? Because I wanted it to scan, you know?

I wanted it to rhyme. The best I could do was... Yeah. That's the closest I could get. Someone has said that it doesn't sound literal. No. It sounds very... It sounds Quentin Crisp.

He would never have said that. He was class personified. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. OK, Nostradamus. Justin of Earlwood. OK, so that's a nice friend of Robin of Sherwood. It is a bit like that, yeah. Has got in touch regarding people seen off screen,

or people not, what do we call it again, Frank? Unseen characters. Unseen characters, yeah. Robin Masters, the owner of the estate in Magnum PI. Oh, God, that is a bit... I do remember Robin being referred to by Tom Selleck. I was once introduced on, is it Front Row, the arts programme on Radio 4? Oh, yes, yeah.

I was introduced as a public intellectual. And I put forward the idea that Magnum was a public intellectual. People misunderstood the initials. But I don't think he was, to be fair. TBF. We had a couple of people trying to claim that Nelson's last words were Kismet Hardy. As in fate.

As in fate. But the sources do not. It's possible. But I don't know why, as you were dying, you'd suddenly speak Turkish. Well, I think people did use Kismet. In fact, there's possible, but I don't know why as you were dying you'd suddenly speak Turkish. Well, I think people did use kismet. In fact, there's an Elvis Presley song called kismet. I've heard this kismet

theory, but it's not being spoilsport. Well, the Greenwich Maritime Museum says the kismet only really starts appearing in sources after 1805, so it's very unlikely. You know what I love there, Pierre? I haven't had that for ages. What's that? It was very history teacher when they speak about history

in the present tense. They say, and Kismet only really starts appearing. Oh, yeah. You know when they do that? So, of course, Henry VIII only really starts destroying the monastery.

Doesn't it sound like a lot of men in billiard rooms saying, you couldn't possibly have said kiss me, honey. Something like that in the Navy. Yeah, exactly. I won't hear of it. I won't hear of it.

It was definitely Turkish. So that's what... I'm surprised they let him speak Turkish. I mean, that's how desperate they were to make him enter sex. Someone just saying, well, what's more likely, a man kissing a man in the Navy or speaking Turkish? An obscure Turkish word.ish word there is a

there is a george formby song called if men like them like women like those why don't women like me yes i know that and there's a song he refers to um um the lady hamilton relationship with uh nelson Hamilton relationship with Nelson. He says, Take Lord Nelson with one limb. Lady Emma Hamilton, she fell for him. With one eye and one arm gone west. She run like the devil and she grabbed the rest.

Oh, if we were like them, like men. Very fine grasp of history, Formby. Formby Jr. Do you think maybe more people would know their history better if it was delivered by sort of high-pitched ukulele accompaniment? Yeah, well there's also a Napoleon. It's all about why did women go for ugly men, so why did she go for...

But it's... Generally money. She was the most... It talks about late Empress Josephine, something like the loveliest woman that was ever seen. But Napoleon, short and fat, captivates a lovely-looking dame like that. Well, George, perhaps if you'd conquered Egypt,

you'd also have a nice new girlfriend. Sort of playing the ukulele all the time. Instead, he had Beryl who screamed at him and told him what to do. Life. Ooh, life, everybody. Ooh, life. Oh, I really feel like another round of that, but I better not. This is Frank Skinner.

This is Absol Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. We had a text from 454 regarding Quentin Crisp. Oh, yeah. Back in the late 40s and early 50s, my mother as a young teenager used to get the bus home from work in Pimlico and often shared a seat and chatted to Quentin Crisp. Brilliant. I met him after the show

in NYC. She always commented on how polite he was and his purple painted finger and toenails. Yeah. He was a courageous man. But I can't imagine how is she seeing his toes? He probably wore a sandal. I can't picture him wearing a

sandal. It depends if it was an Edwardian sandal. Yes, yes. Maybe a slingback. I've heard of such a concept. Did they have sandals in Edwardian times? Surely they had sandals in Roman times. Well, Romans, but it was a bit more outdoorsy, their culture. Well, not if they were stuck on Adrian's wall looking out for big.....and Scotties.

Frank, did the Edwardians embrace an open-toed shoe? Who? The Edwardians. Did they embrace an open-toed shoe? I don't know. I don't know what the Edwardians embraced. Frank, there's a man opposite us currently at Absolute Radio Towers on a balcony. He looks like some sort of George Clooney Nespresso ad.

No payment. But don't you think it looks like a sort of coffee ad? Well, what he's doing is he's smoking out of the window. On the balcony. And he's got a white vest on. That's all I'm saying. These are the conditions we're working under. You think it'd be a sort of voiceover of like

energy is the most important part of the universe. Some rambling, indirect allusion to coffee. I don't know. Oh, yeah. Or maybe one of those what's that French beer that they used to advertise with bearded men in World War II

talking. Oh. I know exactly what you mean. What's it called, that French beard? I can't remember. It's got something with a year after it. I don't know. I'm not interested in his beard.

It's 1964. Jenny. No, it's in Dalkeith. Stella Artois. Jenny in Dalkeith has been in touch. She actually got in touch during the week. 490. Read the Go Compare Man.

She was just very keen to hear your thoughts on the Go Compare Man is currently on Celebrity MasterChef and is doing very well. He won it, apparently. So she's interested to know Frank,

specifically Frank's thoughts on this. Well, I think he should have been made to go on as Luigi or whatever the Go Compare Man is called. Yeah.

He should have done that. I've made an omelette. I think he should have been forced to bend the moustache inwards and use it as a hands-free for a corn on the cob. I think it's a bit weird him doing it. Who else? This week, Meerkat. Exactly. You can't have commercial, Meerkat. Exactly.

Can't have commercial characters on a show. Greg Wallace. Your moustache is amazing. Wow. So, yes. Thanks for listening. That's us, Don. The next episode of Frank Skinner's, not Franchi Skinner,

Frank Skinner's Poetry Podcast will be out on Wednesday. It's Geoffrey Hill. I've got to tell you this, guys. Every now and again, I allow myself to be completely self-indulgent in my work. And Geoffrey Hill, the Geoffrey Hill Poetry Podcast, which you can download from wherever you get your podcasts this Wednesday, is called Mercy and Hymns. And it's a combination of the podcast, a combination of poetry and Anglo-Saxon history. Man, did I love it. Oh, I love it. I loved doing it so much. I hope you like it too. You know what?

Thanks for listening this morning. I'm going to say Emile Franchi again just because I can. You know when you've learned something, you just want to keep doing it. I only say it every week. Anyway, thanks for listening. If good Lord spares us and the creeks don't rise, we'll be back again this time next week.

Now get out.