The Gargle - Dolphin thumbs | Goodreads scandal | Volcano eruption

Episode Date: December 22, 2023

Guest editors Athena Kugblenu and Tiff Stevenson join host Alice Fraser for episode 142 of The Gargle - the sonic glossy magazine to The Bugle, with one rule: no politics! Dolphin thumbs Meaningless void Goodreads scandal Icelandic volcano ReviewsStory 1: https://nypost.com/2023/12/11/lifestyle/dolphin-with-thumbs-shocks-scientists-in-first-ever-discovery/Story 2: https://theconversation.com/science-communicators-need-to-stop-telling-everybody-the-universe-is-a-meaningless-void-215334?utm_source=Live+Audience&utm_campaign=92b1771ddb-briefing-dy-20231214&utm_medium=email&utm_term=0_b27a691814-92b1771ddb-50997664Story 3: https://www.themarysue.com/cait-corrain-goodreads-controversy-explained/Story 4: https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/av/world-europe-67781301HOW TO SUPPORT THE GARGLE- Keep The Gargle alive and well by joining Team Bugle with a one-off payment, or become a Team Bugler or Super Bugler to receive extra bonus treats!https://www.thebuglepodcast.com/donateCONTENTS00:00 Start01:42 Front cover04:23 Satirical cartoon04:52 Story 1: Dolphin with 'thumbs' surprises scientists in first ever discovery09:11 Ads11:10 Story 2: Scientists need to stop telling everybody the universe is a meaningless void17:34 Reviews19:56 Story 3: Debut author linked to fake Goodreads accounts that review bombed peers28:50 Story 4: Icelandic volcano erupts34:35 Bye / Anything to plug? Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hi, it's producer Chris from The Bugle here. Did you know that I have a new series of my podcast, Richie Firth Travel Hacker, out now? It's the show where Richie Firth and I talk about how to make travel better in our very special way. In this series, we discuss line bikes, Teslas, the London overground, and a whole bunch of other random stuff that possibly involves wheels

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Acast.com. This is a podcast from The Bugle. Once in Royal David City stood a lowly cattle shed Where a mother laid her baby in a manger for his bed, Mary was that mother mild. The gargle was her little child. Welcome to The Gargle. This is The Gargle, the sonic glossy magazine to the Bugle's audio newspaper for a visual world. Your guest editors for this week's edition of the magazine are Athena Kublenu.

Welcome. Thank you. And Tiff Stevenson. Hello. I've never questioned before why Mary is so mild. Why was she mild? She gave birth in a manger. She would have been f***ed off.

Yeah. Massively. Yeah, spicy Mary. She got straw up her bum. Nothing. It's like when you go to the beach and you get a sound up your back crack. Imagine.

Well, there's quite a lot of pressure in the birth-giving process to be as chill as possible. And they're all like, you know, bring candles if it'll make you feel calm or whatever. But I can imagine nothing that would make me less calm than candles in a straw-filled stable. Let alone the fact that someone's bringing myrrh and frankincense and shoving them at you. Yeah. Who asked for that?

Where's my gin? Before we rig up our camels and follow the leading star towards this week's top stories, let's have a look at the front cover of this week's magazine. The front cover of this week's magazine. The front cover is Jack Reacher from season two of Jack Reacher watching the two brand new hour-long Alice Fraser comedy specials

now available on Go Faster Stripe as a £10 Christmas bundle. Topical news, that. Yes, yes, very, very topical. Al Jazeera have got a documentary on it yeah it's very good the new reacher is mad like how wide his shoulders are it's sort of gone insane like he was a big dude in the first series but now he's like double like he looks like the hulk in most situations in most like media i would be like it is unnecessary for a man to be this big but in the context of the Jack Reacher books, every third sentence is about how f***ing massive

and jacky he is for no good reason. Like at various points, it's just like, and I have an inexplicable genetic tendency to put on slabs of muscle no matter what I eat. Like it is canon that this guy is unnecessarily large at all times. Then played by Tom Cruise in the films. They're like, this guy's way over, what is he like six foot four in the books or something?

Six foot five? Yeah, yeah. And built like a brick shit house door. It's called acting, Tiff. It's called acting. And also Tom Cruise has big dick energy. So it doesn't matter how small. He does seem like a massive dick doesn't he he's like he's got big dick energy and big man energy so inside of tom cruise is a hench dude you know yeah yes it's scientific i'm pretty sure of it

i'm not i'm not suggesting anything other than that metaphorically, Tom Cruise lawyers. It's a metaphor. Yeah, if he sees Ngram reflected on the wall, it's a bigger shadow, then he should really be cast. Like, to be fair, if I'm watching an action film, I kind of want to see, I do want to see Tom Cruise in it, doing his own stunts.

So the biggest stunt of all is pretending to be six foot five the biggest stunt of all is doing all of the acting while standing on a box i did i had a joke about tom cruise in my um in my special savage which was up on amazon prime and they the lawyers sent me a message saying, are you sure you want to make this joke about Tom Cruise? He's quite famously litigious. And the joke was that he runs very beautifully around corners, and he goes at a more acute angle than most other action stars because he has a lower center of gravity. And I was like, first of all, the joke won't work if I make it about anyone else. And second of all, a defense to the crime of libel is truth. And you can't argue with physics. The satirical cartoon this week is a cartoon of Legolas making toys on the North Pole assembly line. Legolas is saying, in my day, people

respected elves. And then Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer, is saying, there is no ethical consumption under capitalism. And Santa Claus is saying, have you guys ever thought of signing up for the lunchtime yoga and mindfulness classes? I've just noticed the AI tracker managers are telling me your pick and pack arm movements are a little behind schedule. Top story this week is dolphins jumping the shark news. This is the news of a dolphin that has been discovered

smuggling some thumbs. Athena, you love speaking with our underwater brethren. Can you unpack this story? Yeah, so we found some dolphins, just a couple of them, but they've got thumbs. And there's a picture of a dolphin with little peaks on their fins. And I can confirm those peaks are thumbs and i for one i'm thrilled because i'm tired of cutting these things out of nets it's like do it yourself then but thumb is some scissors do you know what i mean that's just a lot of work do you

know what i mean like if you can't if they're walking around not looking where they're going we're not walking obviously i mean it's walking if you call walking swimming if you live underwater um so let's just go with that so they're walking around they're walking around getting trapped in these nets because we're trying to feed ourselves because we're humanity and we're humans and because we have no respect for the food chain we eat anything um and um these dolphins are getting stuck in nets and so we have got to rescue them and now it's like you've got thumbs this whole time you've had thumbs and like we were buying dolphin friendly tuna like you like what a waste uh so yeah very thrilled uh and about this development really because they can start doing

stuff themselves really all i've wanted is more animals have thumbs you know like oh god pandas and all these all these things that need our help you know how many kids you know any animals could help themselves if they had thumbs all of them really so this is a good this is a this is a great development for just conservation. And by, you know, it's always bad news when it comes to like life on this planet. It's just great news. I'm thrilled for them.

We don't need the tuna to be dolphin friendly because now the dolphins can be friendly themselves with their thumbs. Yeah. I like that it's called dolphin friendly, but it's just like not friendly for the tuna. The tuna. This is fine for the dolphin, but the tuna is absolutely f***ed.

I mean, it's either just a rare mutation or it is a sign that the dolphins are coming to get us in our dominant species role. The one-upmanship. I think there's questions that need to be asked. Is it so it can hitchhike, join theies and fan dabby dozy is it so it can be caesar a gladiatorial match is it so it can shout one two three four I declare a thumb war these are all possibilities that we need to investigate fully I had a whole routine about this in my show last year um but it

is it is about the fact that dolphins are viewed like they're amazing and sharks have had all the bad PR, you know. So, you know, the shark attacks were being rebranded. There was an actual campaign last year to say, sort of, can we rebrand these? You can't say that you were a victim of a shark attack. You have to say you were lovingly lacerated um or that you experienced bitey wet times and you're not allowed to call them prehistoric predators because it's a bit ageist um but yes basically dolphins are the uh prince andrews of the sea we're just throwing kids in there with no thought for what might happen not only like not not just that kids it's

like their last wish like i've got 12 months to live and i want to live with swim with dolphins the most innocent of the children were thrown in with these predators it's it's just we should have known like i got a letter from a dolphin once but i didn't understand it no spaces between the words right no bloody thumbs all right now they've got thumbs they're going to be able to write letters like we're coming for you humanity you know at first we had no idea now they can be really clear with their intentions think about sharks is they just want it they're just hungry so if a shark sees you and bites off your leg obviously that's a real shame um however it the shark is hungry when a dolphin sees you it literally is saying i want

to wipe you out i want you all to go you know so i i don't what what do do? Do we say we want an animal that wants to eat us because it wants satiation? Or do we want an animal that wants to literally take over the world? They want to take over the stock markets. Have you seen the movie, Leave the World Behind? Have you seen it yet? No, no. F***ing dolphins, mate.

The whole movie, the whole time, I was like, it's just dolphins are behind this. Honestly, basically, no spoilers, but the world will end and it's dolphins i've never understood the urge to swim with dolphins that people have because if you're swimming in the ocean you're swimming with dolphins it's just a matter of how far away they are your ad section now because you can't be what you can't buy this episode of the podcast is brought to you by wood sure garlic can kill vampire, but can you sit on it?

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It was a year I'd like to forget. Broomgate. Available now. Acast helps creators launch, grow, and monetize their podcasts everywhere. Acast.com Now it's time for Universe News

and apparently scientists and science communicators have agreed that we need to stop telling people that the universe is a meaningless void. Tiff Stevenson, I can't stop you telling everyone that the universe is a meaningless void. Can you unpack this story for us? Sure, I need to stop doing that with my vagina as well, just while we're here. In really not news, many science nerds aren't really good at interpersonal communication or personality stuff or how they get their messaging out there. So it's the Copernican

principle, which is, you know, know bloody copernicus if in doubt blame the italians uh one essential function of science communication is to mobilize people to act against some of humanity's most pressing problems so they've given covid or climate change as examples however in this article it says unlike most people scientists and science communicators often tend to think humans are in in a sense, nothing special. This idea is known as the Copernican principle. So it's talking about paradoxes in science communications. Though science doesn't deny the importance of human happiness and societal function,

we would not expect a physicist to modify their theories of cosmology to make them more psychologically meaningful so the two great paradoxes that they're giving here are uh the science communication struggles with is we live in a number one we live in a deterministic world without free will yet we must choose to accept science and prevent climate change and we must act now and two the universe is destined to end in a dead freezing void and life has no meaning but we must prevent climate change so our planet does not become a dead overheated void and we can continue our meaningless lives and i think the second one should be a new live laugh love sign for your kitchen and that would work really nicely um yeah so basically it's it's it's a communication issue

it's trying to get people to care about stuff but ultimately saying that humans aren't important in the grand scheme of things and it you know it's it's just kind of leaning into that thing that science is depressing us and i've always thought like science and technology for that matter should be able to excite as well as depress us or at least excite us first you know like wow the earth is not flat followed by the knowledge that humans are forever cursed to move in ever diminishing circles or cool gravity stops me flying off into space but also holds me down man oh look a sex robot followed by the crushing realization of your own loneliness or space tourism is finally being realized yay with all the worst billionaires you know leading the charge boo there you go so you want to feel excited first before the disappointment sets in.

So it's about scientists finding that line between how they communicate, what's pressing and urgent, without really bumming us out, to use an American phrase. Well, I feel like this is just a matter of focus. It depends on which science facts you put next to which other science facts. You could have uh sometimes dogs make friends with ducks also the universe is a meaningless void and we're all going to you know you know what i mean like i feel like if you it's the balance of these things uh that we

need to to focus on there you know here's a dolphin giving you a thumbs up maybe we can prevent climate change uh because he can pick the trash out of the mouths of the turtles i don't know i feel like this this article has specifically put, like, the two most upsetting things next to the two most urgent things and that just makes you feel stressed out and like you're not doing enough to save the world. But I feel if you're talking about, like, you know, more exciting and pleasant things, like ants that can feel love,

that might make you feel a little bit more positive about recycling you know so i i don't agree that humans aren't special like you can't just say the universe is massive so that means we're not special it literally doesn't make any sense like those two things aren't connected like just because it is massive and ever expanded but we invented jelly jelly. Like, come on. Like, there was no need to invent jelly, right? Why don't we just make this thing? And it's kind of translucent and it wobbles. Like, we did that.

We did that out of our own. So what could be more special than that? Or there's loads of things that we've done that are special. Like, I once had a friend who would give herself her own French manicures. Do you know how hard it is to give yourself your own French manicure? You've got to put all the, you've got to do the border thing and you've got to paint the edge like, you know, meticulously white. And then you've got to do the pink bit and you've got to do the overcoat.

And you've got to have that patience in between each layer to wait. No, that's special. Do you know what I mean? You've got a Sistine Chapel and you've got a person who can give herself a French manicure. And you're saying that person isn't special. You don't get to do that. Like, yes, it's ever expanded. It's infinite.

We don't know what it's expanded into. But at the same time, like you can get vegan DMs now. Like no one had to do that. So I just sort of think it's a bit, it's just a bit negative to say we're not special because the universe is, maybe it's the universe that's not special.

We're great. But the fact that it's infinite and ever expanding, I mean, there's so much of it. Maybe, maybe it's the universe that's not special. We're great. But the fact that it's infinite and ever expanding, I mean, there's so much of it. It can't mean anything. Why are we bothering? Have you thought about a career in science communication? Yeah.

Well, I just thought about jelly there and you just described it, but you left out one key element because you said it wobbles, but it also wibbles. Oh, it wibbles as well. It wibbles as well it wibbles as well you know like let's not forget the wibbling in all of this i feel we've forgotten the most important point which is the wibbling it wibbles wobbles wiggle wobble jelly on a plate do you not remember in the 80s the rest of that

do you remember we used to get like yogurt jelly it was called set yogurt he used to get it from b jams and they used to give that to us no just wild and you take it out of the pot and it'd just be solid weird yes yeah and i love that you've referenced b jams because i just feel like i feel like going back it sounds like a horrifying british invention that they've done and they fed it to you as children as a way of like telling you that the world's a horrible place that's not a thing that i've ever encountered jelly jelly it's called set yogurt and it was grim ready set yogurt b jams is now iceland because they want you to know everything's frozen but b jams sounded cooler yeah because it's b jam yeah yeah there's some we'd be jamming here b-jams

and now it's time for your reviews as you know each week we ask our guest editors to bring in something to review out of five stars Athena what have you brought in for us this week oh okay I don't have it here but I'll describe it to you and you'll blow your mind it's like a serving dish and what it is is you put three tea lights in it and there's a little metal cover that goes on it and you put food on it so when you entertain your guests okay they can be given food that is warm but get this all right doesn't bloody work it's three tea lights you can't but what happens is if you if your friends are like mine your friends are always late so when the food is cold it's like

it was warm an hour ago it sounds like a recipe for three soot marks on the base of your plate exactly exactly you know more more um more um porcelain or whatever my stuff's made out of that you can't that can't be cleaned it's not porcelain that whatever my stuff's made out of that you can't that can't be cleaned it's not porcelain that's whatever it's whatever wilco's makes their stuff out of that's what it is anyway um so it's really good because it's really important it's really important people come to your house you look like you're entertaining and that you're trying to entertain in a very sophisticated way but the reality is is you're not really sophisticated i'm not very entertaining but it's it's the thought that counts and across the tenner um so it's a tenner to serve food to your friends that isn't warm but

it looks like you intended it for it to be warm and it's therefore it's not warm anymore find out five five stars and tiff what have you brought in for us um i'm gonna review aging um i feel like i've maybe reviewed it even on here before, but it's an ongoing process and I don't like it. Like I know that it's a privilege. I know that it is, but I found a great armpit hair yesterday and I don't know how to respond to that. I mean, maybe get rid of my armpit hair,

but I kind of like growing it in a little bit because it keeps me warm in the winter. And also I've just got so many creams now i've got one to get rid of wrinkles one to get rid of spots one to get rid of bags i'm basically aiming for no face i think that's the ultimate beauty ideal so i'm going to give it three out of five stars because yes it is a privilege and it's wonderful but also sometimes difficult to contend with on yourself on other people i love it i love it i love watching you know um the beauty of people's faces changing just not my own it's confronting

and now it's time for your literary scandal news as you know the guy the gargle is an extremely high-flown uh publication and we deal with literature and tech and sport. And this is a breaking scandal in the world of literature in which an author who was lined up to have a very successful debut in the sci-fi fantasy genre has absolutely just tanked her own career by creating false accounts and review bombing other authors who she felt might be competition. Unfortunately, in addition to this being a very politically bad move,

most of the authors who she review bombed were people of colour, which has added an extra special flavor to this particular version of career suicide uh athena can you unpack this story for us i can so let's check this out scandal rocks publishing as debut author is linked to fake goodreads accounts that review bump is i didn't know you could get a fake goodreads account i thought goodreads was the one social media thing space where that was free from this kind of f***ery. And I'm a little bit shaken by this because I thought it was wholesome.

I thought it was like the Waltons. You know how no one had sex in the Waltons? No one had sex in the house in the prairie. No one, people barely had sex on Quantum Leap. Do you know what I mean? This is the kind of thing that you can, I can put my child in front of this and they'll learn life lessons and not be exposed.

And I always thought that about Goodreads. But it's not the case. name's kate corain she's a she writes sci-fi the most wholesome of all the genres this isn't like chiclet do you know what i mean she's not this isn't historical fiction i know that where we know they're all at each other's throats this is sci-fi we're supposed to be a community so she's she's gone and invented lots of kind of fake accounts. And she's written, she's gone and found books that are kind of similar to hers. And she's decided to invent fake accounts to then review other books poorly, which makes no sense. Because I don't know anyone who read a book and liked it so much. They thought, I like this so much, I'm never going to buy another book again. You know, this is the only book I'll

ever need oh I heard Kate Corain's got a book out well I'm not gonna read it because I just read this really good book by someone who's quite similar to her so I'm not gonna read her book like surely if you want your book to sell you go to all the other writers you've written similar books and say this is the best book ever I know what I'm gonna do I'm going to read every book that's just like this um because that's kind of how genre works uh so what what a f***ing idiot i mean stupid woman what a f***ing idiot is probably the headline of this piece because one of the reasons that uh these fake review accounts were discovered to be fakes was that they all universally um ranked kate karain's book five stars and everybody else's book badly among other things one of the

people whose books she review bombed which is to say uh gave one star reviews to from a number of accounts one of the one of the people who she review bombed was someone who'd given her a positive blurb on her book uh it's shaken the sci-fi community it's shaken the goodreads community as you say the final frontier of integrity in the new star wars film and kylo ren who's the baddie in the new star wars films and by new star wars films i mean like 14 star wars films ago there's been like heaps daisy ridley and adam driver yeah daisy ridley and adam driver the people who write the sexy fan fiction about Daisy Ridley and Adam Driver are shocked to their core at this turn up.

After a number of successful transitions from fan fiction into books, including things like the Twilight series, it looks like fandom has reached the apotheosis of drama and sadness, which is a real downer for those of us who spent a lot of our teen years reading bad fan fiction am i the only one that's up for a literary scandal i just think there's not enough of them since the blooms reset started all banging each other like bring it bring it on one of the reviews that she left which was just it's so like petty because what it seems about it's it's attacking people with the same publisher.

And this seems to be over like money. Because there's one on Molly X Chang's book that says, I can't believe Del Rey, which is the publisher, spent half a million dollars on this. When they could have spent half a million dollars on anything else. Sorry, not sorry. The sorry, not sorry the sorry not sorry at the end is like kind of like i'm just an online like this isn't me fellow author slagging you off so it's like that's because you didn't get half a million dollars um and it's your

debut novel so maybe this person has got form and that's why they got half a million dollars so it just it kind of feels so also her book is called crown of starlight and it just sounds a bit porny like i feel like it could go in the men she wrote lexicon or even you know i i feel like like he heaved himself irregularly into a crown of starlight it's just uh something you know it's men she wrote or it's it's uh dancy it's it's it's right it's right in there um and then it sort of says that she yeah the author claimed it was a friend who specifically targeted everyone else that was vaguely in competition with her um but i think the self sabotage of doing it to someone who's provided a positive.

And also the amount of time and energy rather than just like making your own publicity campaign for your book, like, you know, or making your own work exceptional. You've gone away and spent the time to set up a bunch of alt accounts to just slag off other people's. It's such a low vibration. I hate to sound all hippie and crystal-y, but it is's it's such a low vibration i hate to sound all hippie and crystal-y but it is it's such a low it doesn't feel like the best use of your time we know with two-factor authentication it's not easy to just be setting up accounts you've got mobile phones pinging everywhere text messages more emails sign into this account to confirm this account to confirm what that account is now sign in again google alert like could you imagine even i can't imagine i have two email addresses okay one for my junk mail you know and one for like you guys um and that's hard that's that's stressful this this woman has got so many just to slag off writers on on goodreads um so i

hope the goodreads community docs her and really show... Because I believe all good communities do have a dark side, but you've got to scratch on the surface to kind of reveal it. So I hope that they really go in on her. Let's get dragging. Let's get the literary community dragging this person. Let's get on the news at 10. I mean, I'm pretty sure they have dragged it.

She's lost her book contract and basically her reputation has been entirely destroyed. I feel like she's lost her book contract and uh basically her reputation has been entirely destroyed i feel like she's been sufficiently punished which i think is sad because she has inspired me now to go on my very little used goodreads account and then just pick like dead authors from a hundred years ago and like go in hard on the one star reviews for like proust like what is this dog shit it's so it's such it's such the way of like because you tend to take these to heart but oftentimes people more likely to go online and do that kind of thing when they don't like something like people just if they enjoy something they go oh i enjoyed that and then get on with their lives

but when people don't like something that's when they feel the urge to go online and put that comment under your youtube clip or your you know i used to say about the youtube clips you should treat them like the portaloos at glastonbury don't look down because it's just shit upon shit upon shit and then someone's mobile phone that they've dropped my favorite my favorite trolley interchange was somebody who wrote under one of my YouTube videos, I don't like her foreign accent. And I replied to him, which you should never do, but I replied, I think you'll find your foreign. And he replied, what are you talking about?

Which made me very happy. But let me be a little bit sappy and in the Christmas spirit, can I say to all of the listeners of The Gargle, as an antidote to this terrible thing being done in the world, because it is kind of sad and depressing, go out and just praise something that you like. Go out and give a five-star review to something that you enjoyed but didn't think to put out some positive energy in the world because it feels like the right time of year.

it feels like the right time of year. Icelandic volcano news now, our final story for today. Bear in mind that this is a breaking news story and in that circle of breaking news that says exciting volcano near major infrastructure, nobody dead so we can have fun with it. But of course that circle is dangerously close to a Venn diagram in which it overlaps into heartless Anthony Jezelnik laughing about tragedy too soon territory.

So all I have to say to the Grinjevik volcano is three things. One, please stay picturesque and awe-inspiring without veering Pompeii wards. Two, please tell me how to pronounce Grinjevik. And three, I apologise in advance if this story has suddenly become a really poor taste segment Tiff Stevenson you periodically explode along a three and a half kilometer radius can you unpack this story well I actually have a a deep theory I'm not even going to say conspiracy theory because it was in my show but uh that um do you remember spontaneous human combustion from it was big in the 80s

it was actually because it was always women they were always old and it's just women who got tired of sexist shit and literally self-emoliated was always like knitting needles and like a zimmer frame in the shot and a hand handbag and shit. So I feel this could be, this volcano could be the combined rage of like perimenopausal women across the world or specifically in Iceland, just like erupting in just like rage and injustice. It says apparently that the volcano could die out by the weekend. So there's a volcanologist.

They exist. And that is not the same as being really into Star Trek. Come on, guys. Yeah, I get it. Yeah, it's really good. It's erupting really unemotionally. I get it. I get it.

He said the eruption had slowed down from its peak, could abate in the coming days. And then he talks about, he goes on to make comments about fissures, which makes me uncomfortable because I didn't realise they were connected. I've only ever heard them referred to in an anal sense. I've never heard, I've never, I don't really, and the scientific term of a fissure is never really in my orbit. But like anal fissure you know you have a

poo maybe there's a little bit of blood you don't know what it could be that's the automatic assumption um but also it's put in the sentence mr thorderson believes the chance of more openings from the fissure are small oh god well it's sort of an exciting volcano because normally you think of volcanoes as being sort of circular and contained, but this one is like along a very long crack, essentially. So it's got this extraordinary sort of visual effect to it, if you've seen any of the footage of this. And if you haven't, please treat yourself to the awe-inspiring sight

of the earth breaking. Just breaking. You know, I didn't know the earth could do that. I mean, except it's the sort of slow motion car crash that is climate change sort of way. But yeah, just that there was some ground and it just went f*** it. And then started spraying lava out of itself itself which is a fun thing to do i can relate to the ground but i think every every this is obviously a natural disaster but every disaster gives and presents us with opportunities okay hear me out and netflix if you're listening

write this shit down the floor is lava extreme okay because the floor is actually lava okay and people if so you just i'm sure there is something that lava doesn't consume right um well you know i don't know what that might be because it's notoriously hot but there's something and then so you make these little pillars in the lava okay and it's it's like takishi's castle squid game and and the wall but the floor is lava and the floor is actually lava. This is where we send our defunct right-wing politicians to redeem their their public reputation. Exactly could you imagine just Boris hopping from pillar to pillar with actual lava like you who like and volcanoes they're not they're not like erupt like on on demand so we've got to film this stuff when we can film this stuff.

We've got to do it now, now, now. So let's just do it. I'm a celebrity, get me out of here. It's dead, it's done. So now it's like, I'm a celebrity, the floor is actually lava. I mean, come on guys, this is just too good an opportunity to miss.

And no one's died, so we can do it, it's fine. I like that pitch. It's different to my pitch, which was the floor is lava, but with dicks. And that's just more like being a woman in the model world. You've just got to avoid all the dicks. Every single opportunity, you've got to navigate them. is extremely beautiful footage of the volcanoes that has been collected by amateurs, mainly accidentally flying their drones too close to the heat and melting and losing them in the process of collecting

this beautiful or inspiring footage. And the fewer f***ing drones there are flying around beautiful sites, the better. So I feel like we should send everyone there with their camera footage. They'll have their moment of viral fame and there'll be that many fewer drones in the world yeah also this this uh this does say how often do you get this headline um where it says glowing magma seen from the sky you know we all want to see a bit of glowing magma as long as no one's hurt let's have a bit of glowing magma yeah eat the earth that's what i say let i think the earth should reclaim itself from us via lava and netflix should film it

and that brings us to the end of the show i'm flipping through the ad section at the back uh athena what have you got to plug what at christmas you've been asking that question hell cherry um genuinely i can't plug it because it's it's been announced in january so i've got to plug something that i can't plug until january and notice when i say plug something in my butthole yeah i saw your eyes light up oh you've got to plug something have you no okay you're thinking of my crown. What was that? Crown of starlight. Crown of starlight being plugged. No.

Something else. So that's very, it's lovely, but you're going to have to find me on some of my socials. And it's like, literally, it's the last, it's Christmas. Like, I'm going to need to plug. Who are you talking to? I'm off for the next two weeks, mate. Well, Tiff, have you got anything to plug?

I would just plug my social medias, probably, because that will list all my upcoming shows and stuff. Also, there's a video of mine of Michelle Moan trying to explain what money is that I just put out. So if you're in the mood for a bit of michelle uh then then go find that on my on my uh instagram tiff stevenson comic uh well i have two specials out now as of today um they are at go faster stripe and that is kronos and twist i recommend watching kronos first because by the nature of time passing uh twist sort of has spoilers for Kronos in it.

But you can get them at Go Faster Stripe for £10 for the pair. And if you do not want to pay that amount of money, sign up at my Patreon at patreon.com slash alisfraser and they will be available there for free in a month. So that's patreon.com slash alisfraser. This is a Bugle podcast and Alice Fraser production. Your editor is Ped Hunter. Your executive producer is Chris Skinner.

I'll talk to you again, not next week. I think we're having a week off next week, but the week after. Bye. You can listen to other programmes from The Bugle, including The Bugle, Catharsis, Tiny Revolutions, Top Stories and The Gargle, wherever you find your podcasts.