The Glass Cannon Podcast - Strange Aeons Episode 43 – The Return of the King

Episode Date: August 16, 2022

It was the biggest Gen Con in GCN history, and the boys kicked it off with another sold out show at Helium Comedy Club in Indianapolis! Joining the team once again was Jared Logan's Zantar, King of the Zoogs, whose throne was challenged deep within the Enchanted Forest of the Dreamlands. Join Troy Lavallee, Joe O'Brien, Skid Maher, Grant Berger and Matthew Capodicasa as they tour the country playing the Lovecraftian Horror Strange Aeons Pathfinder Adventure Path. Watch the video here: https://youtu.be/0fUN7H0kXzc Recap 14:46 Gameplay 24:53 For more podcasts and livestreams, visit glasscannonnetwork.com and for exclusive content and benefits, subscribe today at patreon.com/glasscannon. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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The Happy Stack, only at Kudo. Conditions apply. How we doing Indianapolis? Indianapolis! I was asleep until two minutes ago and you woke me up. I'm going to crash so hard later. I'll tell you, there are some weeks of the year I look forward to more than any.

There is the week that starts on my birthday and ends in kickoff Sunday. Great week, Solid week. There's the week. A couple fans of that week. Huge week. Big Troy birthday fans. Looking out for those presents come September 4th.

There is the week my family and I go to Lake Placid during our little winter getaway. You know that's a very special trip for me. There is every week between November 1st and December 25th. When, like a true American, I celebrate Christmas

for 55 days straight. Those weeks are truly some of my favorites. You treat Christmas like Lenny in Of Mice and Men treated everything that he loved that is the best thing I've ever heard I know it's true

I only feel like Lenny does right around noontime on Christmas when I realize that it's over. That's when the mouse gets snapped. That's when we all get a bunch of emails. That's the equivalent of the next snapper. Here's the recording schedule for next week. Yeah, exactly. The mouse is working at 1 p.m. on Christmas Day.

Well, back to work. He's not joking. Grant got really mad at me for an email I sent him on Christmas morning about stuff he needed to do. It was on my mind. And, of course, the week that is one of my favorites, if not my favorite, Gen Con week. Gen Con week! Has everybody been to the con? Have you been to the con?

Have you been to Booth 174 yet? Fucking Booth! Booth! This is like our fourth Gen Con or third, I don't know, but this year we've overdone it. We've made some mistakes. We've made a couple errors that we're going to pay for

with our shortened lifespans because we've got this show tonight. We've got two shows at the con tomorrow with Jared Logan. Some other great guests. We've got another show here on Saturday. Tickets still available. And we're programming over

34 hours of content in our first ever booth at the con! Yeah! Come on by. Booth 174. Feel free to press your naked bodies up against the plexiglass. That'll be fun. That'll keep us going when we're

feeling tired. Your sweaty con bodies. Yeah. Come on. Those con nips. That's what they call them. You ever, like, when I get home from the con, I always have a bad case of con nips. They don't tell you about the con nips. Yeah, they don't tell you.

They tell you about the con crud, but not the con nips. But why are we talking about all the stuff that we got to do? That's work. That's work. We're not here to talk about work. We're here at Helium Comedy Club on a Thursday night, the first night of Gen Con. Everything else we're talking about is work. But when you work all day, far away from your spouse or your therapist or if you're Matthew, several addiction sponsors.

When you're here at Helium on a Thursday night, we're not here to work, we're here to party! And last time I checked, it's nighttime, so are you ready to party? Hey! Alright! Just make sure that I took my heartburn meds.

Joe, did you take your blood pressure pills? Did everybody take their pills? All right, now we're ready to party. Barkeep, can I get five Shirley Temples with a thimble full of rum? My friends and I are ready to party. Grant, obviously, sadly not with us this year He's got some stuff he's dealing with at home But when you're at Gen Con You can have literally anybody

Step up to replace him So much talent Becca Scott's here at the con Nora Ibrahim, Matthew Lillard Paula Deming If you saw her this afternoon, Josephine McAdam. I mean, there are so many TTRPG

celebrities. Jason. That were Jason Charles Miller, and they were all booked for this evening. But we got Jared Logan. Yeah! Yeah! But we got Jared Logan.

Yeah! I am pumped that Jason Charles Miller was booked. Pumped. Dude, we are putting you to work this year. Yeah, I got, what is it, four shows in the booth, and then this, and then two live shows in front of a crowd tomorrow. That's going to be fun. Yeah. But you like this. You like coming to the con.

I actually don't like it. I wish you would stop making me do this. I wanted to be a dentist. You would have been maybe the best dentist in the world yeah the only problem I have is that people's mouths

make me revolted the only downside but you really I remember last year we were like hey we're going to go get some drinks and you're like no I'm going to go run a four person Call of Cthulhu game with complete strangers so this is your jam

you're in your zone I love it I want to run games the whole weekend four-person Call of Cthulhu game with complete strangers. So this is your jam. You're in your zone. I love it. I want to run games the whole weekend, and I'm doing that, and so I am fully erect. Fully erect! Fully erect!

It's okay. It's all right. Wow. Well, now let me introduce you to three men who haven't been fully erect in a long, long time. Boo! Boo. And Matthew. When it comes to cruelty, you're a really quick thinker.

Yeah. It comes naturally. No, first up is this hobbit-shaped man-child down the end here. Now, listen. Calm down. Calm down. Don't let his slowly withering looks deceive you. He was this haggard-looking in his early 20s as well.

But they say that great writers It takes its toll on a great writer Well evidently it takes its toll on mediocre writers as well Give it up for Matthew Capitacaz What's left of him What's left of him Matthew left of them. What's left of them? Matthew, sometimes I treat my

body like a truck stop bathroom, but if we look at early photos of you, we've taken some years off your life, I've noticed. I'm glad you can say it. Up until about three hours ago, I had not seen you in legit over two months.

I haven't even played a game with you, I don't think. It's true. Did you miss me? They say absence makes the heart grow fonder. I'll have you know he was very talkative to me before the show. It's true. He did miss you. It felt good. And now we're before the show. It's true. As if he did miss you. It felt good.

And now we're doing a show and that's all over. Well, next up is this tall glass of prune juice to my far right. Now listen, some people, not I, may make fun of the fact that he is the current oldest member of the group. Or when Howie grows a beard, he looks like Jeff Bridges. Snowy white. Have you ever seen a looks like Jeff Bridges. Snowy white. Have you ever seen a bearded Jeff Bridges? Looks like Skid. But I don't take the easy route

when making jokes about Skid because he's a dear friend and a day's gonna come soon when I can't make those jokes to him in person. No, not because he's dead. Because he'll be sitting in a home weaving a basket with his arthritic hands. And you won't be visiting him.

You will not be a permitted visitor. I'll send you a Christmas card, though. Skidmore, everybody! Skid! How are you, big dog? You love Gen Con. I do. I love Gen Con.

This is great. I dreamed about coming here when I was a little kid. And the first time we came here, Gen Con 50, it really was like a dream come true. And I look forward to this so much every time. I love this place. I love the Helium Club. This place is great. I was a little stressed out about this trip just because we have so much stuff going on,

but I feel like it's mostly turned out pretty well, so I'm very excited. So far, so good. I feel like if we get over today, it only gets harder from here based on the workload. Well, finally, I'd like to introduce

this last gentleman. Every town has a nickname for him. We've heard Cheesehead Joe. Couple of cheeseheads over here, dude. Shut up.

Boston Joe, where it all began, of course. And now Gen Con Joe. I call him as seldom as possible because he's a thief of joy. Because the Joe you see is all smiles, right?

All energy and hype. But the Joe you don't get to see is just a well of anxious negativity. If fun ideas were a volleyball, every one that I beautifully set up for him, instead of spiking over the net, he would crush in his hands his small, oddly feminine Irish hands.

But I know you guys get a kick out of him. What were you going to say? Wilson. Wilson. But I know you guys get a kick out of him. What were you going to say? Wilson. Wilson. Give it up for this guy. Yay. Yay. Jen Con Joe.

Jen Con Joe. Jen Con Joe. Jen Con Joe. Jen Con Joe. Oh, never thought I'd hear those words. Gen Con Joe. We love Gen Con, and now there's Gen Con Joe. It's trending on Twitter, and they just started saying it.

You know what Gen Con Joe does? What does he do? He locks himself in a glass room for eight hours. The booth does look kind of like a kill booth. It does. Like you'll just see me get gassed inside. We've considered slowly adding water to it over the weekend.

And on Sunday it's just a dunk tank. What's that? Or like something you'd put the Pope in if he was on tour? Well, we do have enemies, Skid. We have a lot of enemies, very powerful enemies. Yes. I have to say, it really struck me the way that you, Troy, have rubbed off on Joe.

Because I would imagine Joe, if he had his way, would be literally out amongst the people. He's a man of the people. He's a man of the people. That's why he acquires all these nicknames, all these epithets. It's because he's a man of the people. It's not because of a fear of assassination. It's not how you a man of the people. It's not because of a fear of assassination. It's not how you get those nicknames. And yet spend a few years

working with you and he's walled himself off from the world. Yeah. It's where he's safest. He can do less harm in that booth than he can amongst the people. We had a stressful day. We both got up around five. But we're feeling good now.

Are we? I don't know. They paid to see this. No, I feel great. I feel great. I'm better. I needed an hour off. And I got an hour off back there. And it was awesome.

And it does kind of feel... You said it. It's not even a joke. It does kind of feel... It does kind of feel like... said it, and it's not even a joke. Don't point at me. It does kind of feel. It's weird. It's not your man. It does kind of feel like, look, I had fun all day, but that was a lot of work. And it felt like a lot of work.

And coming here, I felt like, I've got my Pathfinder game tonight. Right. You know? So I was like, woo! It's party time. Now we can just have some fun and party. Totally. What were you going to say?

I was just going to say, Joe told me that he was seeing wolves out of the corner of his vision. That's how tired he is. You see them, right? I'm excited. Obviously, this is one of our favorite, if not our favorite, games to play, and we only do it in front of a live audience. But that's all

going to change in a few weeks, when the weeks that we're not touring and doing this show, we're going to be playing it from our homes just to continue the story and chug through unless we get tired of it and we'll just keep doing the tour. I don't know. We just kind of make this

up on the fly, but it's going to be fun. Tonight's going to be fun. Great. Glad to hear it. I like fun. It was more of a question. Is tonight going to be fun. Great. Glad to hear it. I like fun. It was more of a question. Is tonight going to be fun? No, tonight is going to be a blast. There is a lot going on. I'm so glad that we have you because

Xantar, king of the zoogs, was a part of the last two sessions and now you're back. Yeah! Xantar! Fire burn! Let's pray pretend, huh, Joe? Take it to the recap.

Is this a good one? There it is. We spent all our money on the booth. New fucking logo. New logo. Thank you, Grant. Nice job, Grant. Sometimes I say this recap's gonna be short.

This one's actually pretty long. Well, I need it. I'm going to run to the bathroom. It's mainly for Matthew, who earlier asked me, so what happened on the West Coast? Our heroes have entered the Dreamlands. Oh, yeah. Maybe you've heard of it.

The Dreamlands are a dimension That overlaps The material plane This is a dimension that is Sustained by the power Of sleeping dreams They are looking for a man Named Count Hazerton Laws IV A man so important

He doesn't need music to underscore The story behind why they're looking. I'm trying. I'm getting there. I was like literally one second away. You get two sentences and then you get called out. There it is. There we go.

Calm down. First the recap was late. Count Hazerton Liles IV Some of them used to work for this man But at some point he sacrificed their minds and memories And had them committed to an asylum While he took off on a pseudo-academic retreat In search of great, powerful, and perhaps dangerous Dangerous Dangerous Dangerous retreat in search of great, powerful, and perhaps dangerous.

Dangerous? Dangerous. Dangerous. Dangerous. Somewhat dangerous. This guy ran from the car. I always fuck up a word. Leave me alone.

Dangerous knowledge. The Count is an enigmatic figure. But if these heroes have any hope of recovering their memories, recovering their past, finding him is of utmost importance. After escaping the asylum where he placed you, you went into town and eventually broke into his home where you recovered tomes and journals detailing his studies. It's there that you realize that he's heading to a far off land to the south. So you board a boat and begin

the month's long journey to follow him. With so much time on your hands on this fucking boat, you start reading his notes, digging through his notes, reading his notes, and you soon discover a ritual, a ritual that Lowell himself used to enter the dreamlands so that he could further his research. Apparently, while in the dimension of dreams, he went on several dream quests to acquire gifts to give someone named the Mad Poet in order to gain an audience with him. And when he did, the Mad Poet revealed to him where Liles can find the book he seeks, a book called the Necronomicon.

Sha-gum-gum-gum-gum. Which will mean very little to the boyfriends and girlfriends that came with their fans. They turn, they're like, you didn't tell me this was about the Necronomicon. I'm way into this. Holy shit. They take off their coat,

like a Necronomicon t-shirt. Another round. I didn't know this was Lovecraftian. So that's why Liles is heading south. He's looking for this book. But you're a curious bunch, and you know that the first rule of war is to know thine enemy.

So while on the boat, you enact the ritual and enter the dreamlands as well. When you do, you find yourself in an abandoned desert way station that you quickly realize is not as vacant as it looks. After you fight your way past various dream remnants, you find a half-naked, sleeping, tattooed dwarf. A simple barbarian who was lost here in the dreamlands long ago

after being separated from his parents when he was but a child. He's been here for a long time. And I am speaking, of course, of Xantar, king of the Zooks. Raised by Zooks. Raised by Zooks. With your new friend in tow, you go up to the one chunk of floor that's remaining on the upstairs of this caravanserai and find a man that with what little memory you have left,

believed to be Count Hazerton Lowles himself. But the man laughs it off. He's not Lowles. He is the Yellow King. And he goes on to tell you in flowery prose that when Liles came to the Dreamlands and met the

Mad Poet, the Mad Poet revealed to him all these secrets, and when he did so a piece of Liles broke off and remained in the Dreamlands. That's the Yellow King. That's why he looks like Laos. He explains to you that if you want to recover your memories, you must meet with the mad poet as well,

but in order to do so, you have to recover the same gifts that Laos brought him. He tells you you can find the list of gifts in one of Laos' books. When you find them, come back to the Caravanserai, and he will lead you to the Mad Poet's Oasis. So you go back to the material plane. You find the list of gifts. You then work together to research each gift so that you may reenter the Dreamlands and obtain each one in turn.

The first gift is a Viscount's signet ring, which apparently can be found in the dreamland city of Celefe, a rich and opulent city where the sun never sets. You enact the dream excursion ritual again, speak the passphrase you learn, and you find yourself in a ballroom

full of thousands of partygoers. Outside, you look out the windows, it's a marble city with the sun frozen just above the horizon. No one really pays you any mind, but you do see a partygoer that maybe had a little bit too much to drink drop a glass of wine on the floor, and everyone pauses as a rope comes down from the ceiling, pulls him up, screams, and just blood, drop, guts, goo,

and then everyone goes back to the park. So you go up to the Viscount. You approach the dais where this young man sits. The Viscount tells you he's terribly sorry, but he already gave his signet ring away. However, if you can help him with a favor, he could perhaps fetch another one for you, and the favor is simple. The Viscount promised to

dance the Sunset Waltz with three people at the party. His dance card is, as they say, overfull. To make matters worse, his beloved, who he didn't think would be in attendance, is coming, and he must dance with his beloved. He coughs

black spittle oozing out of his mouth onto his white frock. This is a weird fucking place. How long were the West Coast shows? That San Francisco was long. But you agree to his offer. You speak to the first person, a female vampire, who will only acquiesce to not causing a scene if she can dance with one of you instead. Your new barbarian friend agrees and she responds by draining his blood on the dance floor, keeping him at just the brink of life.

The second guest is a popular merchant who knows the sunset waltz will help raise his status even further. You lie and make great promises of wealth to be given in exchange for not making a scene over this. And he agrees. And finally, you look for the third guest, a simple serving woman who, when you ask around, the guests tell you she was pulled to the ceiling just like that wino. So you look around, you see a ladder leading up. You're like, I guess we should check to make sure she's dead. You climb up there to the rafters to see if anything's left of her. On a catwalk high above, you see her on the catwalk covered in webs, but she's still breathing.

You go to try to save her. Spiders, addercaps, 90-minute battle. But you save the young girl and your promise to the Viscount is complete. The funniest fucking line in a long time at the end of that battle. What did I say?

So you had the 90 minute battle and we forgot why we were there. Oh my god. We had that 90 minute battle. It was a brutal battle. 90 minutes Horrific Webs

Stuck to the floor Blood The Viscount no longer Wants to dance with us Yeah yeah Had to let her down easy You know So you go back to the Viscount

You tell him He keeps up his end of the bargain He gives you the signet ring you seek And then the music begins to swell And his beloved Arrives An enormous bloated Leng spider

Dripping dark ichor From its mouth descends from the ceiling And the Viscount Drools black goo as well as he grasps the spider in a romantic embrace, and they dance the sunset waltz. It is from there that you force yourselves to wake up and find yourselves back on the boat

known as the Selen Starling, captained by Skywin something or other. I haven't role-played her in a while. Captain Skywin, they call her. Freeling. Freeling, sure. I guess she doesn't factor heavily into this one I guess

I guess This is a plot centric NPC I'll make a note If you're a fan of Skywind make sure you're here for the Saturday show I have a feeling she'll be more Remembered By the GM You're on this boat you You look over at Sir Julie,

who did not take the dream ritual excursion with you because she was tired and her back hurt. I know. Matthew was asking. I was like, what did you do to cover for my absence? I was like, am I in a drawer filled with spider poop or something? Nope. He's just tired.

He's tired. He's just tired. You're really tired. Hello. Welcome back. Was your excursion successful? Are you feeling any less tired, Sir Julie? I cannot say that I do, but I had a delightful time making it so.

Oh. I wish I had my drops available to me. I wish I had my drops available to me. I'd use one right now. We shall all have to imagine it in our minds. I heard it. Yeah. I think we all did.

And who are you, young man? I am Xantar, king of the zoogs. Long was I lost within the dreamlands raised by small squirrel-like creatures. I have finally made it back here to the waking world. Have you seen my parents? What are your parents' names?

I long for them I see What are your parents' names, young dwarf? It's hard to remember It's been so long And I never wrote that down Their names are Zan and Zara.

Zantar means son of Zan. I can't believe I had to explain all of this to you. Well, your majesty, forgive me, I have not seen Zan or Zara as far as I know. I haven't even described them. I have not seen Zan or Zara as far as I know. I haven't even described them.

I have not seen them! I just totally blew him off. Well, if I see him, I'll let you know. Were your parents by chance committed to the Briarstone Asylum? It's possible. Backup character.

I'll get to work. All backup players should have at least three backup characters. That's right. To answer your question, Sir Julie, yes. We were successful And he produces the signet ring The first of many gifts

We must give the mad poet But there is more work To be done How is your back? Want to try it out? God damn it In combat In combat! In combat!

In combat! God. You have just driven this character into an area that when you say that, I just think you want to fuck Atticus. It's so weird! Listen.

Don't project on me, man. You did it to me! Skywind comes down. She's like, you guys back from your weird ritual and whatnot? We've got some decks to be swabbed. Is that what you do? Swab the deck?

Oh no, I'm afraid my back is hurting me Oh, I must lay down I lived in the wilds I do not know your ways And could not possibly swab a deck If I had a dime for every time one of my crewmen told me They lived in the wild or the back hut, I gave

you a discount to be on this ship. Luckily, we haven't been getting into many scuffles, but you must earn your keep. In about six, seven days' time, we're going to stop to resupply in the city of Zer. In the meantime, what is your plan?

You're going to keep disappearing on your weird dream trips? We plan to sleep. Yes, quite literally. And I believe our personal plans are our business. Not while you're on my boat!

It's no concern of yours as long as Aldo keeps the tech swabbed. I've got to admit, I'm not really much of a swabber in my sort of... But, how about this? How about I do you a little deal? How about I do you a little deal? Perhaps I could make you a gallon or so With the finest dex solvent you've ever smelt in your life

Boom So that it'll keep your dex as clean and pristine as a day They were cut from the tall forests of Nadal Or wherever they came from Is this the carbonated beverage you've been giving my crew? No, I would never dream of giving you homemade Pepsi. No, no, it's Aldo's Water Seal.

Yes. No, I'll call this Aldo's Jax or Ajax for short. It'll... It'll turn... One deckhand can do the work of twelve with this substance. Well, if what you say is true,

I'll take your solvent and let you continue to be weird down here below deck. Great. But I must say, your friend, the young man, he's been... We don't have any friends. Yes, the Price. House to Price. Oh, him?

I've heard some rumors from the crew that he's been poking around at them while they're sleeping. Something's wrong with that child. That child. I totally forgot about that what? what happened? Matthew didn't watch the West Coast videos that's true

but suffice it to say there was some improvisation that got weird the point is Atticus found himself the victim of a most gruesome violation got weird. The point is... I think... He has found himself the victim of a most gruesome violation by... What's his face?

House Surprise. Did he put your hand into a bowl of warm water? Oh, I wish. Did he draw genitalia on your face? He slowly and somewhat erotically shaved the hair from parts of my body. And then produced a syringe.

And began injecting an unknown fluid into my body. I don't feel any different. But he says he doesn't feel any different. But he says he doesn't remember doing it. As if it was some madness that overtook him. So, I think, tonight,

I'm going to kill him. Well, are you in? Can I draw a genitalia on his face first with a magic marker? Well, if you do that, perhaps we'll let him live another day just for the humiliation. That's enough!

Last time I checked, I'm the captain of this ship. If anybody's gonna be drawing ticks or killing, it's me! Now I'll have you know, while you were down here, laid up with your bad back, and the rest of you were doing whatever you were doing in your sleep coma,

I found your man staring at Fingers O'Toole one night. And Fingers told me a story that, let me just tell you, I put your friend staring at Fingers O'Toole one night and Fingers told me a story that let me just tell you I put your friend in the brig and he'll stay there till Nashville. So whatever you're going to do you do it without him.

I object. I as well. We should let the man at least speak in his own defense before sentencing him so cruelly. He must speak himself. Aye, aye as well. We should let the man at least speak in his own defense. Before sending him so cruelly. He must speak himself. Can we have a civilization? Let him speak!

Let him speak! Let him speak! Let him speak! All right, I'll grant you an audience. The last thing Troy said before we went on stage. The last thing he said to us was, I want to get through a lot tonight.

Biggest mistake you could make. I'll have you know, he's been very quiet since we put him in the break. I haven't been able to get a word out of him, so I'll give you three minutes. That's one game minute to try and talk to him, but he stays in that brig for at least two shows.

Halster, please, you must speak in your own defense or you'll be trapped here Stuck under the bowels of the ship For at least two shows Please say something You walk towards the brig And there Halster sits In the back of a tiny little cell

A little light coming in from above Cutting through the bars Making this ominous shadow across his face. His hair wet. His face covered in dicks. He turns to, Atticus turns to Sir Julie, the crew's already gotten to him.

They have their own form of justice. Boat justice. Boat justice. Boat justice. Boat justice. Boat justice is meted out cruelly. Everyone knows maritime justice doesn't fuck around. He wipes at a smudged, sharpie dick on his cheek and looks up at you through his hair that's matted in front of his eyes.

How could you let me put them... The last thing I want to do is roleplay this guy. He says, how could you... How could you let them put me here? Would you like us to break you out? No. He says, how could you? How could you let them put me here? Would you like us to break you out?

No. Come adventure with us. No, I know what I did. We can't do this without you, Alistair. No. The captain is right. I did some despicable things, and I must be punished. And he grabs, like, a piece of straw, and he starts whipping his back. No, no, no.

I'm a bad boy. No, Halster, please. You should just finish your adventure in the next 45 minutes. All right, Halster. Remember, you are and will always be my best friend. I will come back for you. Thank you, Sheila. You'll always be Sheila to me.

And with his voice that always sounds exactly like that, he trails off and closes his eyes. Now what do you want to do? That was all I had on my checklist. I know, you got it. She told you, Skywin told you, you're about six, seven days away from this resupply city.

There is six more items. There are six more items on your list. The next one you need to retrieve in order to gain an audience with this mysterious Dreamlands figure known as the Mad Poet is a feline tail of blue and purple mottled fur.

Do you want to dig into research for that? Yes. Okay, good. That's what I prepped What a fortunate coincidence Yes, perfect Shall we roll? Nope

I don't want to roll research rolls You just dig into these books The ones that really jump out at you are Three titles Monuments of the Forest Tigers and Flies You just dig into these books. The ones that really jump out at you are three titles. Monuments of the Forest, Tigers and Flies, and The Wise Harmony. As you read through these titles, you start to uncover information about where to find this feline tail. According to some random naturalist's papers, you learn that felines with blue and purple tails are called pards,

and they can be found in the dreamland's enchanted wood. A couple days pass, you're digging some more, you find Lyle's diaries referring to this tale, and one of Lyle's diaries indicates his intent to seek the advice of Zooks. Ah!

Oh! My brothers! Your subjects! Your subjects, your grace! I think of them as brothers. You're a good and wise king indeed. They are a

race of intelligent rodent-like creatures native to the enchanted wood. You learn that zoogs are carnivores and particularly enjoy feline flesh. Tell us, Santa. Yes? Did you taste of the feline flesh.

Tell us, Santa. Yes. Did you taste of the feline flesh? I ate almost nothing but cats for nine years. I don't know why you're reading these books. I could have told you all of them. Yeah, like, why are you... What are you guys reading about?

It's been, like, days of reading. You could have told you all of them. Yeah, like, why are you... What are you guys reading about? It's been, like, days of reading. You could have just asked me. Your weak books teach lies. Xantar speaks truth. Cat meat is fatty and salty. You are very wise, my king. Your grace, these...

Your grace, these zoogs that perhaps populate this enchanted wood. Could you... Could you speak to them? If we got you there, do you think you could negotiate for aid in the capture of a blue and purple-tailed feline?

I could go to them. I could show my dominance. But they may have chosen another leader since I have been traveling. You served your throne. You served my throne. Yes, what you said. Xantar the Pretender, then. The Pretender King.

The Pretender King! A schism! A schism of the realm! We must choose a side. It is civil It is a civil war. Who is the other king? The factors behind it are complex. It is a civil war. Who is the other king?

The factors behind it are complex. One group of zoogs believes that their agricultural needs outweigh the need to... It's complicated. But I will go to them and show them my chest. But I will go to them and show them my chest Is this a Zug ritual? Showing your chest to show dominance, yes Alright Let us dominate these Zug's And make quick work

Of this Troy must get through a lot tonight We are never going to finish this adventure Of this, Troy must get through a lot tonight. We are never going to finish this adventure. Let us begin the ritual. You read on and you just realize that Laos thinks if he finds these zoogs, maybe they would know where the pirates are. So he could get the tail that he needs. And then eventually, you're about a day away and Skywind tells you,

just so you know, tomorrow we'll be stopping by the city of Zer. This is where Rasmiran priests live. They are very zealous. To say the least.

I will be stopping and hopping off. If there's any supplies you need, you let me know. Nobody else will be getting off the boat. As many potions of healing as you can purchase. We'll send you a list before Nashville. And we'll get the money to you later. We're good for it. We'll talk about it in the morning.

But in the meantime, continue your weird ritual. And if it takes two nights, then Zerv will be three nights away. I've miscalculated. She says, and then leaves. You are a fine captain indeed. Truly, truly an experienced captain. You know these waterways at the back of your hand.

There's a storm coming. She lived her entire life on these waters. Let's do the ritual. Now remember, we've been having Skid as Aldo roll the primary check while the rest of you try to boost or at least not sabotage that check. The first time went off without a hitch. You barely hit the DC in order to enact the ritual. The second time you missed it, but you didn't critically fail. I've warned you that critically failing is bad.

Bad business. It's not great. So let's get into it. You'll be rolling Arcana again, I'm assuming. Okay. So you'll be rolling Occultism, Atticus. As a second. Yes, as a secondary check.

Sir Julie, you'll be rolling Religion. I will. And Xantar, King of the Zooks, you'll be rolling survival, I believe. Survival, yes. Who, what non-skid person would like to roll first? I shall lead the van. Yes. Then we will go

left to right. I'm rolling my brand new Norse Foundry D20. Oh! Maybe you've heard of them. Norse Foundry in the house tonight Drew and Eric are here Give it up for Drew and Eric For all your random number generating needs

There we are Let us see what I have rolled Never mind Oh no 22 So sorry That is a fail Oh, no. 22. So sorry. That is a fail.

On a failure, you don't get... Actually, you take a minus four. Minus four on a failure? Yeah. On a regular failure? I know what I said. No, I got it right here. Secondary checks, minus four. Really shitty of you, Matthew.

You should have used your bottle cap at the beginning of every session. On a secondary. Don't worry about it. Oh, you got your hero point, if you want to re-roll it. Re-roll it. But I might need the hero point later, when we talk to the zoogs and I have to show my chest. That's why I said, if you want to re-roll it. I shall pass.

Okay. I trust the rest of you. This happened last time. Joseph O'Brien, please roll your occultism check. happened last time. Joseph O'Brien, please roll your occultism check. Oh, also in North's Foundry, I basically stole

this from them today. I said I really like it, and I took it. I was like, I'm keeping this. And they were like, well, you touched it, so just keep it. We can't resell this. Alright, here we go. It's like selling a house with a so just keep it. We can't resell this. All right, here we go.

It's like selling a house with a murder occurred in it. Come on! Let's crit on this. 33. Oh! 90-18. Come on! 33, you say?

33. What'd you roll 33, you say? 33. Would you roll again? A 33? 33! Just missed a crit. Come on! That is a regular success, which is just no bonus or penalty.

Really need something good here, survival-wise. Well, I accidentally left my dice in the back. So I'm going to use one of these online dice rollers. I'm sure it's just as good as an actual die. Why even buy a natural... Why bother buying physical dice? Am I right, Eric?

They're obsolete. A lot easier to carry. I rolled a natural 47. No, I'm kidding. Let me have a real die. It's like lot easier to carry. I rolled a natural 47. No, I'm kidding. Let me have a real die. It's like the John Henry of the TTRCG. Let me have a real... Can I borrow a real dice?

Let me give a real dice. I'm going to go get my Norse Foundry dice, which are right in the back. It's my die. In a little bit when I can. All right. You actually did roll it really well. Here we go.

Yeah, baby. 27. Regular success. Yes. All right, Aldo. Correct me if I'm wrong. I think you've always had a minus four to this check. Yes.

Every time you roll. I think every time. I have failed every time. You do have a hero point. We call it a bottle cap. We do. Because it's better. Okay. The cash value is higher. Okay. You do have a hero point. We call it a bottle cap. It's better.

The cash value is higher. Okay. Go ahead and give me that sweet, sweet arcana roll with a minus four. Aldo squints and forces the knowledge through his brain. That is a 22. I'm going to spend my hero point. Okay. I'm going to re-roll.

There we go! 32! Yeah! Wait, with the minus 4? Or whatever, it's 28? Was that with the minus 4, it was 32? Oh, 28. So 28 should still be fine remember that thing we said about the uh the crush the uh the crushed volleyballs of joy yeah

see this is what he does he sends me an email Get your monkey pox hands away from me He sends me an email and he's like Hey I just need you to do a little rules lawyering for me Make sure everybody's staying on Because I have a lot of narrative stuff going on Make sure we're all staying on And I'm like I get shit on the whole time

So I'm the one telling people like That's why I asked you to do it Exactly I mean, I get shit on the whole time. Some of the ones I'll be like, nah, nah, nah, nah. That's why I asked you to do it. Exactly. DC-26, that's a success. Yeah! Sir Julie takes that tiny little staircase, right, and she's feeling each individual step.

And then she hands it to Atticus, and it feels larger in his hands. And he, too, as he does his part of the ritual, feels each individual step. Maybe he does something fun, like has his fingers walk down it. That's always a good time. And then he hands it to Xantar, King of the Zugues,

and it's just like this fucking huge sized thing what's something this size? a yardstick a canoe, a small canoe that's an extremely small, a canoe, a big canoe a luge he's got this luge sized

staircase and he's feeling each individual step of the luge. And then he hands it to Aldo who finishes the ritual, drops the staircase onto the floor of the

bottom of the ship and it leads down. Shut up. You could have just said John. You wouldn't have had to say floor on the bottom of the ship I couldn't think of what it was Everyone would know what you meant I'm not a seaman

He could have also said deck I beg to differ Don't ruin it Matthew Children You walk down these ominous steps All of you stopping To turn once more To look into the brig

And see Halster. He blows hair out of his face and says, Go! In his trademark voice. You walk down these dark steps into that negative space below the bottom of the deck of the ship. And down below, as you continue to walk, you start to hear the sounds of birds and insects chirping. You continue forward and the staircases begin to diverge

and each of you start walking down your own separate stairs. You look back to see your friends. You don't see your friends anymore. You don't see the boat. You're back to see your friends. You don't see your friends anymore. You don't see the boat. You're alone on a staircase. And then the staircase starts to get gnarled and knobby and the stairs

are no longer flat. You're like walking over misshapen wood that eventually turns into a wide flat branch of an enormous oak tree. You look around and you see smaller branches ending in sprays of wide, sturdy leaves

connecting to branches of other trees throughout an arboreal landscape that stretches as high and as wide as you can see. Atticus, you look down and you're actually standing on one of the enormous leaves jutting out from the branches and it's clearly strong enough to bear your weight. It doesn't even buckle with you standing on it. It doesn't dip. You all look down and you can see the forest floor below is maybe a hundred feet away. If you look up, the immense interlocking trees above you reach further upward, extending smaller branches and more leaves.

It's daytime. The whole area is lit. But as you look up, there's just shadows pooling by the canopy of leaves above. Let's go to the map. Take me to the map. There it is. What a beautiful map. Oh, that is a good-looking map, huh?

Oh, yeah. Really ties the episode together when it goes right to the giant map. There we go. There. Alright, that was pretty fast. That was...

We miss Grants, by the way. Atticus, as you're standing there, you see your friends all standing on branches. You're on the sleeve. You feel pretty safe. Like I said, it's not dipping or buckling. But you do hear a voice,

maybe of a young man. He says, Hello. Hello. You there, rat person. You really shouldn't be standing on that leaf. Please, if you cherish your life,

don't move. But you can't stand there. So here's what I suggest. I know this area well. Carefully walk three paces to the north and then maybe five or six paces to the east and four or five

paces north again. So you'll go a little bit across the leaf and then up and then over again and then you'll be where those branches meet. Trust me when I say, if you don't do that exactly, it's going to be bad. Do you see that little stump there?

And he points. Oh, he doesn't point. You don't even see him. You just hear a voice. You look, and right where those trees meet, right where I'm pinging here, you do see a stump that looks like if you got to the edge of that leaf in the direction that he's telling you, you could grab onto it.

Who are you? Who are you? Um, well, my friends call me Michael. Why do you help me? Um, to be honest, I was just, uh, just hanging out around here. And, uh, the four of you appeared. And I just, I don't like to see people die. Call me old-fashioned.

But my father, also named Michael, told me, if you ever see four people materialize out of thin air and one is standing on an unsteady leaf, be sure to direct that man to safety. At the time, I thought that was a very specific piece of advice to give.

But I never forgot it. Here we are. Are you just making this all up because you put us in the wrong position when you did this on Roll20? No, no, trust me. This is all too real. And I don't want anything to happen to your furry friend here. This is just rather elaborate for a man who claims he's short on time.

That's all I'm saying. Reveal yourself, friend. Well, here's the thing. I don't know how well-versed you are in the rules of equilibrium, but were I to move as well, we could all be in trouble.

So, um... Where are you? Are you a rat person? I will... Sir Julie, please. I will do as you say. Michael. Michael. Michael,

son of Michael. Michael, son of Michael. I shall step first, because I remembered everything you said. Good, good. To the John. To the John? Yes. Good. To the John. To the John?

Yes. Perfect. Let's go to the weasel. Friend Atticus, be careful. The forest is filled with illusions that try to tempt you into death. You honor me with your care, my grace.

Is that true? Are there illusions, Michael? He got it! He got it! Bottle cap! Yeah! Yeah! You... You earned it.

He will start to move across the leaf as the squares were directed by Michael. Okay. You'll move as directed. Wrong, wrong, wrong. No, no, no. Yes, yes, yes.

That? Warmer. Like Christ is warmer. No. No. No. No. Yes. Yes.

Yes. Yes. Yes. Okay. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. Be careful.

No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No.

No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. careful. No, no, no, no, no. Beef, beef. Oh, beef. Aldo. One more step. No, no, no. This is like the price is right.

That's what I said. One dollar. Yes's what I said. One dollar. Yes, yes. Perfect. I couldn't have done it without the Gen Con crowd. What do you do when you get there in front of this stump? First, he's just looking around. It's coming from everywhere What do you do when you get there? In front of this stump First He's looking around

It's coming from everywhere or is it one location? It looks like it's coming from further Up the branch Sounds like it, you know what I'm saying Sounds like it's coming there Roll a perception check Okay Michael I'm on the branch What did you mean when you said you

could not move or it would be dangerous? Natural 20! Oh, yeah! Who said? You say, what did you need? What'd you say? What did you need? What did you say? What do you need? I said, what did you mean when you said you could not move or we would be in danger?

Or at least implied. And as you say that, you grab at the stump to hold on to it. And your hand goes directly through an illusory stump. What? What I meant was, I'm very hungry. Oh, no! No, Michael! Michael!

Michael! Michael! And then suddenly, jumping out at you from the fucking canopy above is this long, lanky, large, horse-faced monstrosity. Oh, no! That is awful! That looks

a little bit like... Oh! Oh! I mean, you can't describe it any better than large, lanky, horse-faced monstrosity. Roll for initiative. What did he say?

Roll, Rick, a roll for initiative. Roll for niche. Michael. Oh, my goodness. This thing is horrible looking. Just picture him with this voice, though. Hi, how are you? He looks like a Michael.

I'm very hungry. What did you roll, Sir Julie? 25. 25! There you go, Sir Julie. There you go. Aldo Casimir. So I rolled a natural one.

So does that, for initiative in 2E, does that make it even worse somehow? No, it's just embarrassing. Even with our house rule, which you aren't privy to. So, no, that's a 12. 12. Okay. That's all right. You don't want to use a cap on that. Atticus? No. 17. 17. Okay. That's all right. You don't want to use a cap on that.

Atticus? No. 17. Okay, 17 for Atticus. Xantar, King of the Zoogs. 11. I have rough initiatives here. But luckily, Sir Julie has seen worse in the world wound,

and she knows that enemies sometimes beguile you with lies. It's your turn. With honeyed words? With honeyed words. Okay. What do you do, hero? Sir Julie is going to stride twice up to this thing. Up to Michael. Get out of here! And strike once. Be gone, foul beast!

No! Yes! Okay. That is going to be a 29 to hit. 29 to hit is a hit. Yes. Nice. Woo! Okay.

That is 21 points of regular damage and four points of good damage, if that matters. And then if the creature is undead, I do more damage. Does that look undead to you? It's hard to tell, really. It's really hard to tell. Yeah, it didn't seem like it took any extra damage from that, but you definitely heard it.

Ah! What the fuck? That looks like that's what it's saying. I was fucked up! It's like, what are you doing? I wasn't even talking to you! You came out to my friend, creature. The art looks like you surprised it.

You're like, hey, what the fuck are you doing? Like you caught it coming out of the shower. And me without a towel, you've seen everything. You say, be gone with me. I say, be gone with you. The creature steps back and casts a spell.

Oh, no. And if there was a person to cast this spell against in the history of the network, it's Matthew Capitacazza. Oh, no. Oh, no, I know what it is. What is it?

Hope you saved room for just desserts! Give me a save of the reflex variety. No, you know what it is? Oh my god, this is even a save. Give me a survival check. If only it was me.

Natural 20. Oh! Critical success! I believe I got this die at Gen Con last year from a member of the audience. I apologize, I can't remember. All right. So I fucked up the spell a little bit, but your natural 20 counts.

So basically, it casts maze on you. Oh my god! Okay. It casts maze on you. Oh my god. Okay. Talk about perfect. And you do, in fact, get trapped in an interdimensional maze. But with a natural 20 on your survival check, you

come back on the beginning of your next turn. Perfect. Wow. Amazing. I was wrong. I thought it was going to be Hungry Pit. Maze is way better, I think, in 2E. It's very cool because every level of success has something different.

You either immediately come back like you did on a critical, you drop a glass, or that's a critical failure. Otherwise, you try to get on the right path. And so success is getting on the right path. A failure is like you fall off the path. You've got to get on the right path. And so success is getting on the right path. A failure is like you fall off the path. You've got to get on the right path twice to find your way out. It's very, very cool.

That's cool. But you'll be back. In the meantime, you're gone. I take a break in the interdimensional pit. Or maze. It's three on one. But this thing is mad Atticus Grimm. Atticus is dinner.

Atticus is going to say,. Atticus is going to say... Oh, this is very interesting. Atticus is going to... Your friend is gone forever! Yes, but... I didn't like her anyway. No, no, no. She can still hear you.

So, Atticus is going to look across at this creature, and he's going to say, Your illusions do not fool me. This place is not what you think it is. We control our dreams. And he begins to morph the branch between

him and the creature into like a briar filled stump covered thatch for the 20 feet between them. That is all difficult terrain to surpass.

Is it actually happening, or is it all an illusion? Say no more. We should play poker later. Joe, you went all in on the river. Okay, what do I do? Do I do anything? Okay. Or not until I interact with the terrain.

So it... Yeah, basically you have to interact with the terrain. So, it, yeah, basically you have to interact with the terrain. Right, then I'll maybe roll something cool. Right. Is that what the action should go like? It is an illusion. Okay, so what I'm going to do is actually, it's not going to cover the whole range. It'll be a 10-foot burst

centered two squares away from him. So it's sort of like almost 20 feet for him, basically. And these are just briars and thorns? Yes, briars and thorns. It just makes it difficult terrain, essentially. Okay, and why is it like that? No, it is 10 feet burst out from the center, so it's like 20 feet. Yeah, so just, yeah, that's good, that's good.

And then Atticus will fall back and away from the creature. Okay. So it was two actions to do that, and then he'll fall back. Oh, man! And he'll turn to Xantar and just be like, it's fucking bullshit, there's nothing there. And he'll turn to Xantar and just be like, it's fucking bullshit. There's nothing there.

If you want to get in there, just fucking go. It feels really real. Yeah, you know what? Retcon, I'm not going to say that. Because you go before him and we ruin it anyway. So let's just forget about it for a second. It is... Hit him from afar. Aldo's turn.

Aldo, of course, uses ranged attack, so. True. Aldo is going to do I'm going to do a knowledge check to try to figure out anything about this creature. Yeah. So that is an action, right? It is. Okay. Yeah. Good action

though. Rather than taking a third attack at a minus ten, it's fine. I'm doing a little bit of studying. Okay, so what kind of check? What relevant skill that you think might be right for this? For this, you know, if this is some sort of magical beast. Seems like a magical creature. Maybe I'd roll an arcana check. Nature, arcana, you're in the dreamlands.

And to me, it's kind of like, well, whatever the fuck you want. All right. Let's all have fun Tui, it's kind of like, whatever the fuck you want. All right. Let's all have fun. Oh, that's pretty good. That's a 30... 35. Arcana. Dude, you've been studying these tomes

that Laos had in his chests all about Iris Hill. Maybe in your studies you came across details about a creature known as a tickbalong. And that's what this is. Wow. It is a very uncommon Dreamlands-type creature. A horse-faced monstrosity.

All right. Knew that. Is there something particular you'd like to know about it? Perhaps some weaknesses. Just any weaknesses. It is weak to mental attacks. All right. Is there something particular you'd like to know about it? Perhaps some weaknesses. Just any weaknesses. It is weak to mental attacks. All right.

I wish my character from earlier today was here. Oh, yeah. You'd fuck it up. That would have been amazing. But okay. Great. Okay. So.

Just one attack. All right. Or one action, rather. Yeah. Okay. One action that someone didn't care for. Okay. Well, excuse us. Sorry.

All right, so Aldo is going to step halfway out onto the tree branch. Okay, second action. He is going to throw an alchemist's fire in the vicinity of the creature, but not actually hit it. Okay. A little splash damage. A little splash damage. That should be a hit. And so that is two points of splash fire damage.

Yikes. Okay. Does it roll any type of reflex save to see if it catches fire? No, no. It's not persistent, John. Okay, a little bit of damage. You heard it, but you can tell this creature is pretty sturdy.

You're going to have to do more than that if you want to take it down, right, John? More than two points of damage. I think we may be screwed. Luckily, you have a great barbarian king with you by the name of Xantar. Ah! Xantar, you are up. Atticus whispered something to you and then left.

It didn't make any sense. You see this briar patch separating you and this tick-balong. I don't understand your civilized ways, Ratman. It's time for me to rage! Yes! And I take, I have very little clothes on, but I take off even more of my clothes.

And I say, I hate these things! As I, so raging is an action, and then I move 20 feet. And then I don't want to go through the illusion, so I

throw a javelin at it! Yeah! You actually take a running start like you're in the Olympics. Even like chariots of fireplace. Dun, dun, dun, dun, dun. Dun, dun, dun, dun, dun. Dun, dun, dun, dun, dun. Dun, dun, dun, dun, dun. Dun, dun, dun, dun, dun. place. Wait, let me roll the thing. I'm going to go get my dice right now.

But first I'm going to roll my John. That's good. What is 14 plus 16? 30. I roll a 30. That is a hit. Yes! Did you just say roll my John? Yes, I did.

Yeah! I've become like you. Wait, my range is 30 feet on that. Am I too far out of my range? I have to be honest. Well, you just take a penalty. But if you want to get closer, you have the movement speed to get closer. I don't know if you have enough, but I'll tell you what.

Even if you take the range penalty, that's still going to be a hit. So move 10 feet forward. Okay. And that'll still be a hit. Give me damage. Okay. Great. I'll be right next to your buddy Al.

Damage time. And my damage on my javel is... Oh, God. Okay, I got it. It's not very much. All right. We have some Norse Foundry dice here for you. No, I'm going to go get them right now.

I'm going to go get my Norse Foundry dice. Talk to me about this. That's going to be 11 damage. 11 damage. Higher than two. Do you have any actions left? I don't think so. Do I?

No. No. I don't think you do. Is raging an action? Or is that a free action? It is an action, yeah. You moved. You hopped a javelin at the tick-a-long.

I'm going to go get my dice. That's the top of round two. Sir Julie. This dice here. You see. He wants his dice. He's partial his dice. Why is he so committed to his own dice? You have these perfectly good Norse Found his dice. He's partial his dice. Why is he so committed to his own dice?

You have these perfectly good Norse Foundry dice. If it takes more than one minute, it's not about the dice. Nose candy. He's a giant. Dude, Jared. You can't get through a two-hour session

without doing blow. That's true. That's old Jared. He's been in show business too long. Hollywood. He's all Hollywood, that Jared. Matthew knows. I didn't go to California this time,

but I hear things. Bring me back some of that white powder so we did it's your turn Sir Julian do I reappear it's just a matter of here's the thing because I fucked it up you reappear with your survival check which you rolled a crit on but that's one action

you come out of the maze which is kind of cool and chewy you would have three chances to find your way out With your survival check, which you roll the crit on, but that's one action. You come out of the maze. Which is kind of cool and chewy. You would have three chances to find your way out. You still have two actions left. And you come back in the exact spot you were, which is in the briar patch. Shag-a-gong-ga-goo. Oh, no.

Sir Julie, can I roll a perception check to see if I recognize it as an illusion of Atticus? You sure can. That's how the game works. I roll a perception check to see if I recognize it As an illusion of Atticus You sure can, that's how the game works I roll a natural 2 So it's like That's a 17 Does that beat your No, so you believe you are in difficult terrain Alright, so I take a full move action To move

And with my final action I say Oh, this terrain is so difficult You don't have the action I have one action And with my final action, I was like, oh, this terrain is so difficult. You don't have the action. I have one action in the maze, one action to move, and then one action to strike. One action in the maze, one action to seek, which was your perception check. One action to move. So you can move wherever you want. You know, C. Joe, remember we talked about those volleyballs of joy?

I was trying to do you a solid. I would have just moved. I got a thumbs up out here. A couple thumbs up. We play the game by the rules, Matthew. That's what we're known for. I was trying to help you. I'm not helping you

anymore. You can move anywhere you want. I wish it didn't work out this way. No, I can move, but I can't take a strike is what Joe is saying. Is that where you want to stay, right there in the imaginary briar? Yes. Well, why don't I... Joe, tell me what to do.

I have been rules-lawyered, Your Honor. And now, I rest. There is no rest for the wicked, Sir Julie, because it is the tick-the-long Michael's turn. And Michael is going to do a little thing called

flailing thrash! Two actions. Two fist strikes if they hit. I don't know, you get hurt. Neon green. Let's go. First fist strike with its Hooved fist

Natural three Yeah 23 to hit Miss Second attack That's a natural three, he's at 23 Yeah, plus 20 to hit Whoa

Quick thinker Multiple attack penalty doesn't increase Until after both attacks. This is another plus 20. And I rolled a 20, so what does that add up to? Oh, no! 40 critical hit. Let's talk about damage.

Tick-a-lang makes two fist strikes. All right, so this is going to be, do you double it, roll it, and double? Why would I roll it? It's your damage. I'm talking to you! Do you roll and double or roll twice? Thank you, Joe. Wait, are we not doing fan critical? Roll and double!

Are we not doing fan critical? Oh, fan critical! He has a name, Joe. That's right, he does have a name. Michael, fan critical from Indianapolis. That's right, he does have a name. Michael, fan critical, from Indianapolis, let's find an indie crit. Let's try to find an indie, this is a melee crit.

This could be bad, man. For God's sakes. I could end up back in an extra-dimensional maze. You should have stayed in the maze. I should have. It's okay, Troy. I blame Joe for this. Joe is logging into Patreon on the back end in order to do this.

Okay, I think I got it. No, I don't got it. Oh, Michael. I know what happened. Why do you attack me so? Yes, role play it out. I need a minute. It's just because this computer has never been used to do this. It's boxing

with you like an old school boxer back in the 40s. Like a kangaroo. Before I move up, I say, tell me about your father, Michael. Oh, there's not much to say, but one thing he always did was have the crypt table ready.

Damn it, Jared. One thing he always did was have the crypt table ready. Was he? Damn it, Jared. That's what he was known for. Did you consider him a good father? Yes, yes. Crypt tables, maps, recap graphics. He was always on time. Punctual, they say Yes, very punctual

What was his profession, your father? Oh, he was the COO of a podcast company Oh, wow Strange All right I got it Okay This thing is so awesome All right. I got it. Okay.

This thing is so awesome. Thank you to the Gearbox team who built the new website. If you saw the new website. You guys like the new website? That website, I'll have you know, all started with them just, they're members of the nash. And they just emailed and were like, you could do your crits better. And that's where that started so we have one killian mcfeely from indianapolis indiana yeah get out of here oh that's is that you in the white yeah dude kill it all. I'm about to do some killing. Here we go.

We're about to do some killing. This one's called 3.14. You swing your weapon in an awe-inspiring arc. A perfect jawn. You may swing in one of two directions, vertically or horizontally. Horizontally, as your weapon travels around you, you make an attack roll at your highest bonus against every enemy within reach. It's not going to be valid.

Deal normal damage to all targets, including the original. Vertically, you swing it overhead and bring it down on a single enemy with great momentum. You gain an extra damage die before applying double damage. Kill him! That was good. That was good, dude. Good crit.

Good crit. Good crit. Didn't I meet you guys outside the booth today? A2? Let me ask you this. How many extra die do I get? You get an extra damage die. One extra damage die? Yeah, and then you double the damage.

You know what? I'll take it. How about max damage on that bonus die? All right, so that's going to be... But you don't double the bonus die. Oh, I got you. Double everything else. 40 points of damage.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Killian, do you double the damage on the bonus die? You know what? What the hell, Joe? What do you know? He just fucking invented it. Well, if you read it, it says

add an extra damage die before applying double damage. That sounds to me like you get the next one. That sounds like you get 44 points of damage. Boom! Guess what?

Still has one more action. Does he run away in fear? No, he's going to turn around and just donkey kick you. Fuck you! This is going to be, obviously, with the multiple attack penalty. He just... Oh, natty, 18. 33 to hit.

Yeah. 2d10 plus 8. Oh. This is going to hit. Holy smokes, this damage. That is going to be... All right, not too bad. 17 points of bludge up in your business.

Okay. I said stay in the maze. Atticus, it's your turn. Thanks for all the briars, Joe. It's really hampered him. You know, it sucks so bad because it's just It's just like special innate ability

and I've never used it and it's like you weren't there at the time and I didn't think about maze and it's like it was perfect at the time I'll tell you why it's even more Every spell I cast ruins everyone's time It's even more perfect and you'll be even more disappointed after the encounter when I tell you something.

It's immune to difficulty, right? No, I'll tell you later. Alright, Atticus is going to move up. Can he move next to Xantar? Yes. You're tiny. Doesn't matter. Yeah, man, look at that. And I told you, the leafs you can stand on. Michael was lying.

Okay, he's going to move up next to Xantar and he will cast a Ray of Frost at the creature. Ray of Frost! Ray of... There goes that die. Frost, there goes that die. That is a 26 to hit.

That is a miss. I was grabbing damage die. I know you were. That made me happy. You have one more action, unless that was two to cast Rear Frost. It was. Great turn. Take another bathroom break.

Yes, it was. That was it. That's his turn. It's Aldo's turn. Aldo, you're standing side by side with your new friend, Xantarar and your other person Atticus okay what do you do Aldo is he's gonna step up

just to the edge of the briar patch that he doesn't know that it's not real and he is going to toss a couple of alchemical firebombs at this creature first one ugh fuck uh that's an 18 to hit firebombs at this creature. First one. That's an 18 to hit.

That's a miss. Okay. All right. Second. Splash damage? Yeah, they both miss. All right, so... I don't know. I can't remember how

splash damage works now. All right, look it up because I think the Tick Balong and Sir Julie will take it. It's nothing. It's like it's no damage. It's very little. Two? It's two points, but it's pointless. Well, you already said.

It's just like, why bother? Well, it'll take four points of damage, but so will Sir Julie, right? Unless you have the ability to. Well, actually, yeah, yeah, she would. Sir Julie will take four. Let's forget it Aldo steps up to the briar Throws two firebombs over Misses both of them

This is a big target with a high AC It does take four points of splash damage But so does Sir Julie who just got wrecked By a donkey punch. It's Xantar, King of the Zoogs' turn. Ah! Xantar! These briars anger Xantar. The briars aren't there.

The briars aren't there. Just go. But my small brain would still experience them as difficult terrain, right? I guess technically, yeah. Unless you roll the seek action to, you know what I would say? I'm just going to make this up on the fly. If he tells you that they're not real, but your mind tells you otherwise, give yourself a plus four if you want to use the seek action. Can I seek action while I'm raging?

I think I can. Yeah, sure. Yeah, just an action. It's just a perception. Yeah, we're all having fun here. Oh, great. Well, I rolled a four. So, yeah.

This is the best illusion ever. All right, so great illusion. I'm really glad we have this illusion here. You know, he tells you they're not real. 20 is my total. 20? No. You think he's bullshitting you. Why have you placed me in this

house of mirrors? What are lies? What are truths? I don't understand your civilized ways. I'm going to... You can run through them and you won't take damage. You're just... You're bold.

You would do this. You're a barbarian. He is bold, but I think what he's going to do is go around them. What? Jump them? Oh, that's an interesting idea, random person in the crowd. Can I jump them? You can.

I think you need... I'm thinking Pathfinder 1, but you need at least 10 feet to go, which you have. And then you would roll, I don't know, acrobatics or something, athletics, to see if you jump over. Do you have good athletics? I run 10 feet. Okay. I run 10 feet. Do I have, I have acrobatics.

Yeah, give me an acrobatics roll. This is the kind of Tarzan shit Xantar should be able to do. Athletics. This is the kind of Tarzan shit Xantar should be able to do. Xanthlex. And Xantar's looking down the barrel of a 25 acrobatics check. Huge fucking backflip over there. Yes, there we go. Okay. How many?

So it was a seek action, then a move action, and now can I smash him with my great club? Yes. Okay. Nice. We're looking at a 30, I think. Yes. There we go. That's a hit.

Yes. All right. And you're, ooh, that's nice. That is, let's nice. That is... Let's see. 15 plus 6. 21 damage. 21 damage.

Chipping away at this thing. But like I said, it's a big brawly horse. Have you ever tried to beat up a horse? They're tough. I have, actually. They're tough. Really got to get after them. Alright, so that is going to be the end of round

dos. Top of round three. Sir Julie, I don't want to say you've been a complete failure this combat. That's nice. Yeah, you shouldn't. I won't. I won't do it. Sir Julie is going to lay on hands twice because she is in rough shape.

What are you sitting at for HP before that? 27. A little Parmesan and Indy! Can roll up an enchanted forest creature on Saturday. I would just wake up and have a mental condition. That's even better.

I know. It's good for Storm. Two actions to do that. That's going to be rough. Great. Third action. Swing with the greatsword. Okay. That's 27 to hit. That hits. Yes.

Kill it! Didn't I roll a 27? Okay. That is good. Thank you going Thank you Thank you Random person in the crowd I like her

22 points of damage 22 points of damage You guys are Getting ever closer To half of its HP And now it's Zentar It's turn This creature is wily Beware it's Zantar

It's turn This creature is wily Beware it's donkey kick Now you've made me mad And it begins casting a spell Now would that provoke Do you guys have Yes

Do you have an attack of opportunity That would provoke on this I mean For a reaction? Does casting provoke AOs? I don't have an attack of opportunity. All right, so you take an attack of opportunity. I assume you have one as a reaction.

I wouldn't assume that. Yeah, barbarians, it's the fighter thing. I don't think you have it. I don't think I have it either. I don't think you have it. I don't think I have it either. I don't see it anywhere. Well, keep that die in your hand and instead roll a... We'll save you two. We'll save both of us?

Yep. All of a sudden, a pattern of shifting colors begins hovering in the air. Oh, no. This geometric cloud of color-y shapes. Look at this shit. 25.

Natural 19. What's the total? 34. Success, failure. Oh, no. You are unaffected. You are fascinated by this pattern. No.

But you are all dazzled while in this pattern. So you are fascinated and dazzled. You are just dazzled as this geometric cloud of color-y shapes just floats around you. Oh, no. Oh, no. Dazzled isn't fun in Psychedivision. No, you're going down. Your eyes are overstimulated.

Your vision is your only precise sense. All creatures and objects are concealed from you. That's great. You're going to have to roll a flat check to see if you've been hit, if you actually use an action to attack next round. Can I use a reaction to try to identify the spell? Yes. So what's the tradition of the spell?

Magic. It is an occult spell. Okay. Is that anything you're interested in? So is it fourth level or lower? It is fourth level. I automatically identify. Oh, you do?

Because I'm an expert in occult spells. The way I'm reading this, yes, it is a fourth level spell. It's a fourth level spell called Hypnotic Pattern. Do you have that spell? I do not. You create a pattern of shifting colors that hovers in the air in a geometric cloud. Creatures are dazzled while inside the pattern. In addition, will save.

Is this a mental effect? I'm talking to Joe. A creature must attempt a will save if it's inside the pattern when you cast it when it enters the pattern, when it ends its turn within the pattern, or if it uses the seek or interact action on the pattern. A creature currently fascinated by the pattern doesn't attempt new saves. Matthew, you had a question? Is it a mental effect?

I don't see that, no. I mean, yes, but I don't see the mental descriptor on there. Why, are you immune to mental stuff? No, my successes become great successes. Everybody tries to control me. You're still dazzled as long as you're in the pattern. That's more of an AOE effect of it. So anyways, that was what it did with its first two actions,

and with its last action, it punches Sir Julie again. With its plus 25th 25 miss nice Sir Jules nice clangs off her armor it is

Atticus's turn Atticus been a rough combat for you your friends are dying all around you what do you do it's his fault I just can't do anything right.

Atticus is going to step up to his briars and he is going to draw a huge branch off of the tree above the creature and rip it down and have it smash into the creature. And rip it down

and have it smash into the creature. Nice. From above. That is a natural two. What's the total? What's your attack for spells? 17. Yes, I think it's 17.

What's your attack for spells? Plus 15? I believe so. Let me know for sure. Well, oh, you're saying it's a magic fun. Yup. What's your bonus to attack with spells, Joe?

Joseph? I'd rather... On the advice of my attorney. Yeah, it is... Yeah. That's a fumble. Oh, no. That is 10 below his AC.

Do we have any magical 2E fumbles? Oh, wait a minute. He's right. Hero point. Hero point. Oh, there you go. This is very important. We can turn this intoE fumble. Oh, wait a minute. He's right. Hero point. Hero point. Oh, there you go. This is very important. We can turn this fumble into a straight up crit.

Come on, Norris Foundry. New die I got today. What? Come on. 97 tees. Yeah. So 32 instead. Hero point.

Hero point. Oh! Oh! That was a heavy branch. That is 22 points of damage. Wow. Wow. Wow.

Any type of save to get out of the way of this? It's a roll to hit. Roll to hit. Okay, so you hit it. All right, big hit. You're finally starting to damage this guy. What the fuck was that? I thought I knew this tree.

Get out of here. And it's Aldo's turn. Aldo, you're having a rough go here, man. Yeah, not a lot of fun tonight for old Aldo. Yeah, that's okay. Not to mention the fact this computer just crashed. Everything's falling apart over there. So, getting rebooted here, but he's going to step in

and say, alright, I've had enough of your shenanigans, you horse-looking bastard. And he's going to throw the alchemist's fire. Come on, you fucker. That is a 25. That's a miss. Okay.

So everyone in his, he and everyone adjacent to he takes two points of fire damage. Okay. So Julie and Xantar and Michael all take two points of fire damage. Right. And I should just stop doing things. and Xantar and Michael all take two points of fire damage. Right. Just stop doing things. Then Aldo jumps off the nearest branch to the fourth floor. I'm only going to hurt other people.

I'm only going to hurt my friends if I keep doing stuff. Brutes, Magoots. Yeah. Anything else? You have one more action, maybe another knowledge? I have two more. You have two more actions. Can I do another?

Is there another branch of knowledge that might prove fruitful in this tree? Trying to think what can help you. I mean, you know its weakness is mental, but you can't do anything about it. I just don't think you're going to really learn anything else that's going to help you, to be honest. Friendly bit of advice. I mean, you can roll and see if you get a nat 20. I forgo the rest of my time, Chairman. Let the crowd recognize that Aldo has forgone the rest of his turn.

If this was first edition, I'd have plenty of stuff to do. You'd have plenty of stuff to do. Less actions, but plenty of stuff. It's Xantar, King of the Zoox turn. Xantar, you see your friend Aldo. You can sense his disappointment from 20 feet away. Actually, I'm fascinated, right? You are fascinated.

Talk to me about 2E fascination. I'm fascinated and dazzled. It doesn't sound as bad to me as I thought. You are compelled to focus your attention on something distracting you from whatever else is going around you. In this case, the geometric pattern. You take a minus two pen on an imperception and skill checks. You can't use action with a

concentration check. For instance, you might be able to see... So you can still attack. I can still attack. Yeah, you can still attack. So I'm like sitting there like drooling and you guys can't see it, but in my head it's like, I like to dream. It's just like all these colors. Wow, man! And then I'm like, no!

And I shake it off, and then I swing with my great club. Now here's the thing. Because you are dazzled, this creature has concealed you, so that's sort of the penalty. Yeah, you can attack, but because you are dazzled, this creature has concealed you, so that's sort of the penalty. Yeah, you can attack, but because you're dazzled, you're just kind of like hoping you hit it because you're staring at a triangle while you do it. Can I break?

Can I? I would like to break the spell now. Thank you. Okay. Is that how Pathfinder 2E works? Then you've got to roll a seek action to try and find your way out. Okay, I'm going to try a seek action. All right, perception minus two because you're fascinated.

Perception minus two. Are you getting this right? Because that's good. I'm not touching him. No, guys, I rolled a three. My perception is a plus 12 minus two, so thirteen. Nope. You're real dumb. But, you know what? You might as well...

That's one action. You've got two more actions. You might as well blindly strike, because the flat check is, what, just DC ten? Ten or fifteen when you're concealed. Five! Five! You've just got to roll a five on a detour. I think character-wise, Xantar would just blindly swing like a madman right now. Then let's go. Because right now,'s like, incense, peppermints.

He's just like, completely like, whoa, man. Okay, and he just blindly strikes. Come on, Xantar. And he rolled. That's a 20 altogether. No, it's a 30. It's a 30. 30.

Yeah, that's way more. Now, roll a D20 and roll higher than a 5 to see if you threw this. I only have to roll higher than a 5? How are you going to roll higher than a 5? You know, it doesn't seem like I could roll lower than a 5, but I bet I will do it. He's not even got himself. No, let's be positive. Here we go.

A 7. A 7. Yeah! That's a hit. Everybody hits. Everybody hits. Ah. I hit something.

I hope it's the monster and not my friends. I'm fine. Great. That will be 15. One more attack. Yes, here we go. Here's the next attack. Critical

miss one. Are you a named character? Maybe we're not supposed to always have fan criticism. This is just fun. Oh, dear. I like doing it on an actual one and an actual 20, even though that's not consistent with what happened earlier. So let me see that fan fumboni,

because we're here in the great city of Indianapolis. Okay, we'll see. We have Zach Stevens from Elkhart, Indiana. Zach! No? Fuck, Zach. Fuck, Zach. What the hell?

All right, Zach from Elkhart, who's too good to come here tonight. Something better to do in Elkhart. What are you, spending all your money on Patreon subscription? No, it's cool. Keep doing that. Oh, my gosh. This is hilarious. Did I leave the stone on?

Oh my gosh, this is hilarious. Did I leave the stone on? Something was missed, forgotten, or rushed when getting ready for the day ahead. You try to fix the issue and become fascinated for 1d3 rounds. Except this condition does not end if a creature uses a hostile action against you or any of your allies. What was that last part? I can't make a hostile... No, the fascination doesn't end if an enemy attacks you.

It doesn't end. It does not end. It's 1d3 rounds of fascination. You're back in the fascination. Alright. Alright, well. I am fascinated. I think Xandar has a bad case of con nipples right, well. I am fascinated. I think Xandar is a bad case of con nipples right about now.

I was trying to play that. Are you just watching funny YouTube videos? I was playing that incense and pepper. I could have done that myself. Yeah, I'm sorry. I played backup. All right, so you're a mess. You're a mess.

That's the end of the list. It's the worst night of my life. Hit me. Do your worst to me, horse demon. It's round four. Sir Julie, we need three attacks, and we need three hits. Do you have power attack? Anything?

No, because the paladin in Chewie is less fun. Don't say that. There could be people that work for Paizo. No, they're not here. How do I roll a miss? I mean, no, you're not evil. Which is weird. Evil? Yeah. You said undead.

And good damage. Okay. Could I retroactively use another check to see if there are alignments of the creature? I can't find it. I'll look. I'll look and I'll give you a little extra damage if you hit.

All right. First attack. Come on, Sir Jules. Natural three. Oh, Sir Jules. What is that? It's going to be another freaking fumble. What is that?

So only on 20s and 1s. It's a 19. All right. That's a miss. Not even a fumble. Second attack. Come on, Sir Jules. Natural 17. Sir Jules, we have thingss. It's a 19. All right, that's a miss. Not even a phone. Second attack. Come on, Sir Julie. Natural 17.

Sir Julie, we have things to do. For a 28. That is, honestly, barely a hit. Barely a hit. Yeah, I know. We all know. We all know what it is. Did I mention it's barely a hit?

Is it evil? I'll let you know. Well, if I knew it was evil, I would have smitten. Smote. Smote. I always want to doitten. Smote. Smote. I always want to do that. Smote. Chaotic neutral.

Yes! Okay. I won't smite it. I was trying to save your friend from that leaf. Okay, 16 points of damage. 16 points of damage, Sir Julie. Come on here. I mean, this final attack, I'm only going to hit.

Okay. Oh, I forgot to roll my flat checks. Okay, I got it on the flat check. I'd stop paying attention to minor rules. No kidding. This is your time to strike. I can only hit on a natural 20. You don't know. What's your hit?

On my final attack, plus 6. Yeah, natural 20. I know what they see. But you know what? We believe in you. Okay. I know what they see But you know what We believe in you Okay I'm gonna re- Use my hero point to re-roll That's a waste

That is a waste Man I rolled a natural 18 Okay Alright 24 That's a miss Now Sir Julie, you will die.

Oh, no. Flailing Thrash. Why are you attacking me? Because I want to kill you in the dreamland. Flailing Thrash makes you think of a boxer. Well, it says fist. Here we go. First attack, 28 to hit.

That is my AC exactly. Sure is. Take 14 points of bludgeoning damage. Second one, 34 to hit. Give yourself another 18. It's a bludgeoning. And you know what? Take this for good measure. Another donkey.

Why are you going after me? This donkey hates you so much. 30 to hit. Oh. Yeah. Yeah. Oh my god. Yeah. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

24 points. Oh, no. Still up. Still up. So, Julie, Night of the Dawnflower. You're like Rocky at the end of Rocky. Basically, she's like...

She's not blocking any blows. All right, it is Atticus's turn. You see Sir Julie on the ropes. This guy's tripping. Aldo can't hit the broad side of a barn. What do you got? Another illusory briar patch? You want to trap us all in here with your briars?

Oh. You shut your mouth and you're not talking to me? All right, I'll do it. Sir Julie's getting really beat up by this thing, so he'll do it. Oh, he'll do it. Sir Julie's getting really beat up by this thing, so he'll do it. Oh, he'll do it. He reaches out into the dark esoteric magics that come from the chain of knights. And he just... And grabs Michael's very skeleton.

Oh, yes. No. No. My bones. I need a fortitude save. I cherish those. Well, I have a plus 19, and I rolled a natural 20. Neon green is on fire!

39, dude! The creature is unaffected. How many actions? It was all three. Thanks for asking. For a moment, I felt as if my bones were about to shake. But then I remembered who was casting the spell. Al, don't. I just want to say I'm at five hit points. Oh, my.

Oh, no. Don't make him feel bad. I'm not going to make him feel bad. He'll feel worse if he kills me. Well, actually, it's like three splash damage will take you out. You just go down to dying. You're fine. I'm really sorry.

Like, I'm having so many computer issues tonight. I'm just relying on memory at this point. And I really don't know how to play Pathfinder 2nd Edition, so that's also causing a problem. You're doing great, and you look great while you're doing it. Very, very handsome. Very handsome.

So, I'm just gonna throw another bomb. I don't know. I know the psychic. If you asked me to play a psychic right now, I would fucking press this. You were ready for that psychic. I'm so ready for psychic.

Okay. All right. That is a 34. That is a hit. That is a hit. Yeah. That's a hit. That is a hit. Yeah. That's a hit. Okay, that is nine points of damage.

Okay. Any splash? And no splash. Okay, direct hit. And two points of persistent fire damage. Okay, he'll take that on his turn. Okay. And again, I feel like I really shouldn't just

throw any more. Chucking bombs, yeah. Because they're going to miss and I'll kill Mutegen or anything? I don't know how the Alchemist works either. Yeah, me neither. I don't know. Call in, everybody. Call in. Yeah, that's what I'm doing.

Well, you got that direct hit. That was huge. Yeah. Unfortunately, Sir Julie what I'm doing. Well, you got that direct hit. That was huge. Yeah. Unfortunately, Sir Julian may not make it out of this round. Unless Xantar, King of the Zooks, has something to say for it. Come on, Xantar! We're relying on you! It's all up to you!

Everyone looks to Xantar and he just sees like flowers singing. And like colors barfing on colors. And he puts his hand up and his fingers all sing to him. But he's going to try to hit it with his great club again. Because we just want to drop this thing, right? Drop him. All right. Drop him. All right, here we go.

So I have to see it first, right? I have to... You Drop him! Alright, here we go. So, uh, I have to see it first, right? I have to... You know what? Don't even worry about it. You're gonna roll that flat check. He's just concealed to you. Okay, I'm gonna roll just the straight up attack, right? Yep. Okay. Um, that is...

26. That's a miss. Even the crowd knows the AC by now because you all have missed it so many times. Roll for your second attack. Yeah, all right. Hero point. Oh, yeah.

I'll spend a hero point. I want to spend a hero point for that first attack. Yes, best use on the first attack. Sir Julie's life is on the line. Of course I spend a hero point. Okay. That's a good use on the first attack. Sir Julie's life is on the line. Of course I spend a hero point. Okay. That's a good use of the hero point because this is your highest base attack bonus here, or attack bonus, rather. All right, here we go this time.

There we go. 33. There we go. Now give me a D20 roll that's over five. Has to be over five. And I barely did that last time. Let's be positive. The power of the Zooks.

Two. Oh, my God. Amazing. Ah! Can I spend a hero point on that? I didn't think so. You've run out. Yeah.

But you have two more attacks. Let's do the second attack. Here we go. I have to save my friends. Second attack. Just very bad. It's a 21. Yeah, 21.

Okay. And now third attack is negative. How much did you take off? Minus 10. Minus 10? To your whatever your... There's no way I can... Nat 20.

Natural 20. Here we go. Nat 20. He's going for it. You're due. 18. Oh, wow. Is that a fumble?

No, no. It just missed the fumble, but it is another sad miss and a string of sad misses. But, man, isn't this what it's all about? Top of round five. Sir Julie just on the ropes. Dude, she is straight up rocky right now. Just fall, fall. Grant me one favor. on the ropes. She is straight up rocky right now. Fall. Fall.

Grant me one favor. Just do one attack on Sam. I'll think about it. If you do it first, that would be great. It's your turn. It's your turn. Finish him. That's why I'm saying you're rocky. You're up against the ropes, but you've got to

stop! Come on! Come on! Crack time. Natural 20! Yes! Oh, fucking pass out. No, no. That's a fan critical.

John, come on. Let me ask you this. Were you dazzled or fascinated? I was dazzled. Give me just a flat check. 11. Okay. I was rooting for you dude alright

this is for Indianapolis Mark from Kingman, Indiana Mark Mark, where are ya just a couple of fingers you land a strike on your foe's weapon hand, double damage and your target must then make a reflex save.

On a success, they drop their weapon. There's no weapon, right? Nope. Chip a hoove. Okay, so let's just say failure. It takes a minus two circumstance penalty on attacks going forward until they receive magical healing. Critical failure, minus four on attack.

All right, so am I rolling a reflex save? Reflex save, yes. Regular damage, double damage? The reflex save is a 28. Probably a maybe. My to hit? Is that the DC? Yeah, I guess we've got to redo how we do DCs.

Because we used to be the confirmation roll. It should be the attack was at 36. Okay, so then it is a fail. It will take a minus two on its next attack. And you chip a hoove. It doesn't have any chemical effect. I aim for the double damage. Double damage.

And it's going to minus two to attack now. Double damage, Sir Julie. Come on! Are we doubling the dice or doubling the damage? We'll ask every time. Roll your normal damage and then double it. 32 points. There we go.

Come on. Come on. Come on. Still up. Still up. Wait, you have more attacks. Second attack. Come on.

Come on, Sir Julie. Attack. I can't look. I can't look. I can't look. It's an okay roll. It's a 25. Is that a hit? It's a miss.

I'm going to kill you. Wait, can you give a hero point to someone else? No. You can't. Yeah. But you can give a bottle cap to someone else? No. You can't. But you can give a bottle cap to someone. I'll give you the bottle cap I just earned for the joke I said earlier. Thank you, Skid.

That's a Skid joke cap. All right. Natural 17, 28. That's a hit. That surprised me. Stop saying dude. 23 points of damage. Flat check.

Flat check. Eight on the flat check. Oh. Flat check. Flat check. Eight on the flat check. Ten. Oh, ten. Julie. Julie. Julie. Julie.

Julie. Julie. Julie. Julie. Julie. Julie. Thank you for helping me slay that beast. You're welcome. Are you all right? Are you in need of me to salve your body with different muds?

I would be honored, your grace I start scooping mud off of the tree branch And slapping it against Sir Julie's face and body Skid, we really need your drops I know, I know, I know As Xantar, oddly sensually slaps Sir Julie with mud cakes, you see the light go out from Michael's eyes. Son of Michael.

And then you all hear sounds around you coming from the branches above, below, sounds around you coming from the branches above, below, the leaves rustling as dozens upon dozens of small like

simian rat looking creatures creep out from among the branches and make themselves known. The first thing you all notice is like a mass of tentacles where their mouth should be.

And of course, Xantar, you immediately recognize them. I shake my beard like tentacles. And then I show my chest. I say, Zooks! It is I, your king. I have returned to you.

Bow before me. And the Zooks says, Pretender. Pretender. You have returned to our land, claiming the title of king. but you abandoned us long ago. We no longer recognize your crown. Let your greatest warrior face me.

Let your current king best me in combat. Then we shall see who the ruler is. You challenge our king to single combat? Did I fucking stutter? Oh! So be it. Charlie! And they all...

This is so... I know what you're going to say. This is so dumb. But they all... Okay. They all, like, solemnly part ways on the branch. And there's like fucking 50 of them.

And they just look in awe as this tiny two-foot Zook named Charlie steps up to Xantar. And he comes up to like your shin. Do not be deceived by his stature, my friends. Azug is a deadly foe if underestimated. I immediately smash him. And he just goes fucking flying off the ground. Oh! Whoa! The law of the forest reigns once again. Death to the pretender.

Long live Xantar I. Ah! Sentar the first! Ah! I rub my genitals and flatulate loudly. Is that a zoo tradition? No, that's something I've added. That's a new thing. Centaur, you have proven your worth this day.

But why did you abandon us so long ago? Charlie Thumbottom was a good king. And now he is in pieces on the forest floor. Yes, you are a mighty warrior. But what's to say you won't disappear again? You and I both know that Charlie favored a trade embargo. That would have crippled our economy. And made it difficult for us to compete in the modern market. Now,

you and I both know. The reason I left was to seek my parents. I have not yet found them. When I do, I'll let you know. Until then, bow before me, worm. Spoken like a true king. That's how you have to talk to them. They're all my brothers, but you've got to talk to them like that.

We respect your might, and you have saved us this day by killing the mighty Tikbalang who encroached upon our home. Had you not come, it surely would have eaten us, or had its way with our bottoms. So for that, we thank you. But you cannot simply just walk back into our kingdom and take over again. What's to say you won't leave and seek your parents anew? But you cannot simply just walk back into our kingdom and take over again. What's to say you won't leave and seek your parents anew? I probably am going to do that.

That's what we figured. So tell us the real reason you returned to the enchanted forest. First, do not thank me for stopping the Nick-ba-da-nick-a-ba-da. It was really my friend, sir, Julie, who slayed the beast and my friends, Atticus and Aldo,

who helped a bit Atticus debatably. But the point is we have all come on a very great quest that could mean the fate of this forest. The fate of this world hangs in the balance. Speak plainly, former king. My time in civilization has changed me. Me want a cat to eat. We seek

the mottled cat. The blue and pink, purple? The blue and purple cat. Blue and purple. The pod. Do you know this? Yes, you speak of the pod. It is a rare creature here in the enchanted wood. There was a family of pods

who used to live below on the forest floor, but we killed and ate them weeks ago. Did you happen to keep their tails? One of the zoogs goes to another zoog and whispers. Perhaps we did, pretender. But we cannot so freely part with it if it is the sweet pod tail you crave for its aphrodisiac

properties, no doubt. Wait, what? I'm sorry, did you see what I did to Charlie? Yes. And as I said, we fear your might, but we know not where your heart stands. You seek a pod tail for your lustful orgies.

Yes. It is possible we have such a tail in our possession, but we will not just give it to you until you prove that you are here to stay. Can you tell us more about the tail's aphrodisiac properties?

Sir Julie very weakly says. He's like on death's door. Still like still around. She's like bleeding out. She's like coughing up blood.

Bones broken. We are cracking ourselves up tonight. She will not be denied. Do you really want to know? With all my heart. This is the last thing I learned. Well, perhaps if you help us, we will give you such a tale and you can do whatever you want with it. But we do need help.

We are very hungry. We have not killed or murdered a family of felines in some time. And it is a delicacy amongst the zoogs. Far above here, in a sunnier portion of the enchanted woods canopy, there are several tigers that have moved in. They use the branches above as their hunting grounds. Should you return with a freshly killed tiger, be it the father, mother, or any children who weeped as their parents were murdered, we will perhaps look into our stores and see. or any children who weeped as their parents were murdered. We will perhaps look into our stores and see if one of these sexy pod tales is available.

Maybe two. That will cost you two tigers. Very well. That will cost you two tigers. Very well. What say you, once and future king? Feels like you should just give me the tails, seeing as how I'm king. But I like fighting tigers.

It makes me happy when I kill them. So I will go on your little quest. Will you? Yes, and my friends will join me, even if they are very low on hit points. So be it. See ya. They all just leave. And they all recede.

They have never learned how to say goodbye. Yeah, that's terrible. Goodbyes are tough for them. Not a zoo goodbye. So they recede into the leaves. So dumb. So, Julie, you are very injured. I am.

We must deal with this. If we just take some time, I can heal myself. We must take some time. Mechanically, we should not roleplay it, but every time I have to refresh my focus points. Yes, I as well. Otherwise, how will we ever get such effective warped terrain back again? Yes, how did you warp the terrain, so? I warped it with my fucking mind.

Now we must rest. Not like a whole thing, but like a couple minutes. Like an hour. Like an hour. An hour rest, okay. An hour rest. You're not going back to the boat. No, we're not going back to the boat.

I feel quite well and I feel quite comfortable in this dream. Something about this place makes him feel very comfortable. It's hard to describe because he's a very urban rat. He's not used to the wild but there's something about this place that's calling him. This dreamland

in particular. He feels like he can control it in a weird way. But, Sir Julie, your hurt is very real. It must be addressed. I don't have the means to help you. I can do it. Okay, then we shall rest.

And scooby-doo. The stuff we normally cut out of episodes. Right. Boobity-boop. You're all back to whatever you can actually achieve. We'll figure it out between sessions. But you're ready to go. That tick-belong, by the way, had a passive ability called Believe the Lie.

It takes a minus two circumstance penalty to saves against illusion spells. And to their will DC against checks to lie to them. So had your friends not closed on it, it would have thought those were real for a long time. That's really cool. Damn it. Well, it'll work one day. I saw that and I thought, how is Joe going to screw up that passive ability

of my monster? You surprised me. So they give you directions, basically. I don't remember their voice. Go that way. You surprised me. So, they give you directions, basically. I don't even remember their voice. Go that way. It kept changing. Charlie Thumbbottom is dead. But you push on now, a little

healed. You continue walking east, and as you start going along, you can tell that you're getting higher the further you travel east, and the leaves and the branches in this section of the forest canopy begin to open to the deep blue sky above, and

you very quickly begin being bathed in sunlight, whereas you were protected by the canopy above when you first appeared here. Now you're just open to the sun. It doesn't hurt, but it's very bright. Maybe it's kind of nice. If you're enjoying this to the sun. It doesn't hurt, but it's very bright. Maybe it's kind of nice.

If you're enjoying this scene, Atticus, and you don't know why, this certainly increases that feeling. What do you roll a perception check? Natty, 19. Oh. 29 for Eldo. 14th. I rolled a 2. 29 for Eldo. 14th.

I rolled a 2. 34 for Sir Julie. I got a 20. Sir Julie, maybe it's from the fresh healing that your senses are alert as you... or the promise of... Sir Julie! Sweet pardtale.

What does it smell? I smell fill in the blank. But you sense something that your allies do not. And you look and you realize

surrounding you are several creatures. They're only about two feet tall and you realize surrounding you are several creatures. They're only about two feet tall. And you see them. They have large eyes and bulbous heads. And they're almost like fairy bug type things. And they just start slowly floating towards you, almost disappearing as they walk into the light. And then one by one,

they each start to fire little motes of light at you. They're creatures that we face. Oh, God damn it. No, no, no. No, no, no. Would you say they might be lurking in the light? They sure are. Oh, you...

And we'll see you on Saturday. Oh, no! Gen Con, I love you! Gen Con! Gen Con, Joe! Thank you, guys. Come back on Saturday. There's like 50 tickets left.

We'll see you then. you