The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - 608 - Fiona O'Loughlin & Adam Knox

Episode Date: June 1, 2022

This week we’re joined by ADAM KNOX and (eventually) FIONA O’LOUGHLIN! Fiona is in fine form as she’s fresh from some relationship drama at the airport. We also hear about Fiona’s botched birds and the bees chat with her son, Blanket’s had a nightmare, Tommy and Adam get quizzed on the female anatomy, and HEAPS more!  Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Today on The Little Dum Dum Club, a brand new episode with guests Fiona O'Loughlin and Adam Knox. The Little Dum Dum Club is on Patreon. You can get onto patreon.com slash littledumdumclub, support the show, get two mini bonus episodes every week. We will be back to talk to you more at the end of the episode in Talking Dum Dum. But until then, enjoy this great new one. Fiona O'Loughlin and Adam Knox. Hey, mates. Welcome once again into the Little Dumb Dumb Club for another week.

Thank you very much for joining us. My name is Tommy Dasolo. With me, as always, the other half of the program, Carl Chandler. G'day, dickhead. Joining us today, two very special guests. Please welcome Fiona O'Loughlin And Adam Knox Yes The first and second Lady of Australian comedy

Thank you very much Sorry you've been demoted To second Fiona I'm a sexy young Well You're a girly Girly girl Thank you

I'm a girl's You've always been A girly guy A little bit I get pushed over You know some guys Just are Yeah

Even the beard's Made it even more Girly somehow. Just that soft, beautiful, feminine beard. It's the ribbons he puts in it. I would love to. I genuinely wish I had the confidence to wear the nail fucking polish and stuff. Oh, I'd love it.

Actually, you do. Don't you reckon I'd look pretty with some eyeliner and shit? No, not necessarily. But you, I can see how you would think that. Yeah, my delusion. Yeah, you are fucked in the head, actually. That all came out wrong. If someone said, you know, because I adore you, always have.

Although I thought your name was Michael for about ten years. That's weird because you were calling me Alex. No, it was Alex, wasn't it? It was that, I hear. And you gave up, didn't you? You gave up correcting you? You never corrected me, I don't think. No, I was afraid to short-circuit something in there.

I just accepted. I'm lucky she's not calling me Jack Daniels. I'm all right. If the second first lady of Australian comedy says your name's Alex, you're just copper. You're Alex now. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's fine with me.

Oh, whatever. I'm not attached to Adam. That's all right. I didn't pick it. But if I, you know, if someone said, do you know any cross-dresses? Yeah. I'd go, what?

I wouldn't have gone that far. Once you said it, I thought, if you did some pigtails, I wouldn't mind it. I think it'd be all right. You'd find him hot. You've got beautiful eyelashes. Thank you very much. You could start from there, get some eyeshadow going.

Adam at Euphoria High would be beautiful. I reckon we're just at the beginning of dressing in any which way we feel. I would love to. This is the dark ages. I'm wearing soft jeans. What do you do with your hard jeans? Soft jeans. What's a soft jeans?

I've been started buying, they're just regular jeans, but I've had to start buying clothes at a fat guy shop. Are these maternity pants? Basically, yeah. To hold it, like they don't make denim that is okay for a fat guy to wear. Okay. So these are just soft denim. Okay.

It's great though. They feel fantastic. I'm going to keep getting fatter. So you mean it's like tracksuit but with a denim print on it Exactly To make it look like jeans Well no It's not like a t-shirt

That has a tuxedo pattern Printed on it They're just soft stretchy denim So that I can inflate into them I want to touch them It sounds like It's like I used to have

Oh yeah they are At the beginning of the jegging You know it could be It's halfway towards the jegging I was going to say They've got a very faint feel of tracksuit pants about them. Which is perfect. Transitioning from tracksuit pants for two years back out into the world.

So what's the link between these pants and you saying before, you're like, God, I'd love to get into nail polish. What's the link? I'm starting to develop the confidence to wear whatever I want. I used to think I had to have the starchiest, hardest, firmest, cowboy riding denim that I could get. And now I'm starting to accept the fact that I'm allowed to wear a little cardigan. No one's going to bash me. And you could rock a bow tie.

There's limits. I'm not going pocket square. Just because he's admitted these, we can't just name every fucked thing that no one wants to wear. You look like an idiot. Get some suspenders at him. Oh, like a bolo tie. Wear a tiara.

Wear some clogs. Why not? Wear a kilt over your head. I'll wear one of those stupid hats with the flap at the back. Yes. Wear a jester hat. Yeah, a jester hat, little bells on my shoes. I've talked on here about how...

I'll start talking like this. I've talked on here about how my dad always wears bow ties, and I always make fun of him about it. And he was like, yeah, well, you know why I started wearing bow ties is because when you were a little baby, I would kind of be holding you and I would wear regular ties, and you would try and, like, fucking yank the tie and choke me. You were trying to fucking kill me. So I went, I've got to change into the bow ties.

How did your dad do that a tie was absolutely necessary? He's an architect. Sorry, Fiona, he worked a job. He had a job. Ow, ow! Ow, that hurt my mind! Ow, that hurt, Carl! That went into my mind!

Well, I'm not a fiction. So just get up! Ow! Comedians wearing suits on stage is a great one because it's like, mate, you fucking... Oh, it's so funny. You got away from it. It's like... But a great one because it's like mate you fucking oh it's so funny you got away from it it's like but also i i feel it's always like the move of someone who's gone you know what something's been holding me back it couldn't be my material it must be formal

wear not just suits what about you know this kind of even this kind of uh conversation or even a sentence in the comedy world where someone says, I'd like to speak with you, why didn't you become a comedian to be in the grown-up land? Right, right. Anyone talks to me like that, I certainly don't want to speak with you. Take a walk. You're saying after a gig they're like, we need to have a conversation. I will not be in trouble by anyone ever again.

Who's no one? Who's in trouble? No, I'm so over it that I don't allow it on any score right i've i've found this well you i mean you were 50 minutes late to this and we didn't even bother saying anything we haven't said shit if i had a problem i wanted to bring up with you i'd be like oi cunt my name is adam and you would respond you just explained it in a nutshell yeah have you worked up about? You're getting away with fucking murder, mate. You just explained it in a nutshell.

Sometimes you hear this formality happening. Oh, God, if I wanted to be formal. I want to know what you got in trouble for. I'm always in trouble. What they thought you were in trouble for. What I find is, well, I was in trouble by my boyfriend a lot. And we broke up at the airport yesterday. Oh my god. Doghouse alert. No, it had to happen, yeah.

Hang on, hang on, hang on. So if you did it at the airport, does that mean he was seeing you off or you were getting on the plane together? Together. Oh, what? Hang on, so you broke up at the airport, then you got on and sat in 22A and 22B? He was behind me anyway.

Oh, right. Okay. That's a bit too much detail. But what about when you got on the plane? I was next to a blind guy with his dog. It was much better. On the plane? Yeah, it was cool.

He was lovely. That's sick. So one blind person next to another blind? No, no, no. What a shame. No, I was just disappointed because he was about my age. Because I'm looking now. Looking.

Always looking. Right.'m looking now. Looking. Always looking. He's not. I thought, oh, he'll never know the beauty that's next to him. Yeah, yeah. So how did the plane ride go then? If there's an ex-boyfriend as of like, because it was only, I'm assuming it was from Adelaide to Melbourne. So it's a very short flight.

Sitting behind you. So you put your fucking seat all the way back. Oh, yes. Yeah. Yes. What did I do? So it's a very short fly. Sitting behind you. So you put your fucking seat all the way back. Oh, yes. Yeah. Fuck you, Gus. What did I do? I knew I had, I don't even think I, I had a quick cry. Right.

You know me. I had a gig. So I had to concentrate on that. Getting shit together. Yeah. Yeah. No. Spiral.

I don't know. No, you do tend to, I don't, there's not much to cry about, really. So what happened when you got off the plane together, though? No, it don't know. No, you do tend to. There's not much to cry about, really. So what happened when you got off the plane together, though? No, it didn't happen. It happened at the airport before we got on the plane. Right, right. So you weren't on the plane. No, it was happening at the Adelaide airport.

Adelaide airport before the plane, and then you sat on the plane just strangers now. No, no, he didn't get on the plane. So he didn't get on the plane. Oh, he didn't get on. No. Okay, right. Maybe he just didn't want to have a flight and he was like,

fuck this, I'm going to break. Looked at the weather in Melbourne. Yeah. Fuck that. It was, I was always, not in trouble, lovely, lovely man. But where are you? Where were you? What were you?

Oh, a checker-upper. Right. But everybody does that. You know, people want to meet you. I don't want my physical, except if I have to be somewhere. Right. You know, I'm very punctual, Carl. But I said to him when we started going out, I said,

I'm too old, far too old to have to answer to my physicality and its whereabouts ever again. Because I don't fucking know where I am half the time. But it wasn't him just being concerned. It was more than that. But that's what they say. I'm worried about you. What does that mean?

Break that down. What are you worried about? I care about you. I love you. Well, you haven't heard from me for six hours. At least you're insecure in some ways though, right? Like if you can't date someone who's going to go live

looking for their car in a car park, which I remember seeing you do on Facebook, where you're like, does anyone know where my car is? Asking Facebook,

can anyone help me find it? Which like, so you were sorting yourself out, you were out there finding a way around your problem. Exactly. My problem.

And your car didn't freak out just because you were trying to find where that was. That's right, Carl. Cars have the right idea. I think it's more their problem than mine.

Getting dumped, yeah. The dumping at the airport and then just being like, I'm not getting on the flight. Just driven out to the airport to have a break up. Has that ever happened to any of you? Not at the airport. Not at the airport. I remember someone, someone that used to come to comedy, I remember someone that used to come to comedy told me a story one time where they moved to Australia to go out with an Australian, got to the airport, got picked up by the boyfriend and went, oh, no, it's not going to work out. What?

They got dumped as they arrived in Australia with the suitcases. Wow. Ready to, like they've given away the whole life back home. Yes. Fuck me. And then that person then went, oh, well, I don't have the money to go back, so then just build a life here in the country

of the boyfriend who just dumped her at Tullamarine Airport. And that's, like, the only person he knows. Had they ever met in the flesh, though? I believe so. Because there was a girl in Alice Springs, pregnant, up the kicker. Up the kicker? I thought you couldn't get pregnant that way. I would have thought the kicker was the other end.

I don't know. I've never heard of that. I think I just made it up. I think I had a brain fart. If you had to have a nickname, the kicker, I would say your backside, not your front side. I would have thought. I would have thought. Baby, I can't wait to root you in the kicker.

I'll go back. I'm going to eat out your kicker. I'll just call it, go back to what I normally call it, you know, my agapanther. So she's up the agapanther, and she went online to get a husband. Oh, yeah. And she got one. And she's a beautiful, beautiful-looking woman. Her mother was my cleaner so i know

the story from the inside out okay why isn't by the way just to segue why isn't there ever any mail order husbands why isn't anyone getting any third world country husband jerry why can't you get a mail order husband that's a good probably i want to think i want to follow that thought through i'm sure you can. What would you get? What would you want? Where are the mail order? Because mail order brides, they're typically, are they like Russian?

Is that the stereotype? Yeah, Russian or Asian. So where's the mail order husband from? To women, what's the most desirable fetishised race? I reckon South American. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Good. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Get a Brazilian husband. Get a Chilean husband. Maybe there are, but it's just hard to search for them because they're male order brides and every time you type it in it still comes up with the female. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Did you mean? No, I fucking didn't. No, I mean male. Male. A-L-E. I'm talking about the chromosomes, motherfucker. This is a great business idea. I was in a Thai restaurant the other night. Primus Simons, motherfucker. This is a great business idea.

I was in a Thai restaurant the other night. I'm glad you're sitting down for this, but I was in a Thai restaurant the other night, and there was a... I haven't seen one of these for quite a while, actually. The old bloke with the hot young Thai girl eating Thai, and I was like, mate, you are whipped already.

He's paying for this and it's like, you get brought along to the Thai restaurant, bring it at Bloody Hungry Jack's, you know what I mean? But you're there. You might just like the food. You're there. I don't understand your point of view at all. Looking over at yourself and being like,

what are you doing, mate? That's not me. Multiverse Chandler just looks exactly the same. She sounds very, very suspicious to me. She sounds a bit Jada Pinkett, don't you think? I hope they never go to the Oscars. I'm glad the person full of common sense agrees with me. I don't even understand what you said.

I just want to agree with you. That sets foot in the country. First words to the new husband. Please take me to Hungry Jack's. No. I'm so single-type. No! I'm such a little girl.

I've dreamed of seeing a whopper in real life. Do you guys ever remember Trevor Crook? The Caucasian husband. Yeah, I know him by name. I've never met him. Trevor Crook. He had a mail-order bride. And it was the Sydney comedy store before it was

at um oh just after the war before it was like the olympic park yeah it is yeah and he i remember doing a gig there when i was a baby stand-up like in my 20s okay before yeah i, anyway. His mail order bride whacked him across the face with a thong that afternoon. Oh, wow. Yeah, because he walked, he put, he didn't take his shoes off. In this country, I'm glad she's adopted our mannerisms. Well, it was, I was such an impressionable young stand-up, and he was a good comic, but he was a weirdo. Right, no.

Let's say he is. Yeah. Anyway, looked at interesting magazines. I guess you'd call them websites now, wouldn't you? But we were in the green room, he literally had the mark on his

face. And he had a really distinctive accent. It was that a really distinctive accent. It was with that bit of New Zealand. Oh, sure. I can still

hear him saying it. She helped me with love. Yeah. And he goes, oh, well,

lucky, I guess, lucky she's not Dutch. It could be that. So then he's walking on stage with just a big

pink heart side of his face. I was at Tootly RSL, I reckon 15 years later, doing a gig with him, and he was still doing the same gag. But I thought, I'd love that. I was there that night, and I remember it was real and it was true.

Oh, right, right. You saw it get born, and then 15 years later, it's like, oh, this is rope now. What if you'd have just walked into the green room like five minutes after he'd been slapping himself? I wouldn't be above it. That's true enough. Oh, fuck, I forgot my phone. Do you have any joke?

No. What's your joke, Adam, that you almost would use every... Yeah. Mine would be the cigarette. I'm always careful to put them in my mouth it's just like right when you know that you have to have something that will not die right on you yeah yeah yeah there's a tram one that carl always if i'm doing his gigs will go ding ding remember come on that's not he that's what not what he calls it on his set list, but that's what I call it on mine. You don't help me like that.

Bring out the tram later. Ding, ding. Oh, that's cool. I'll start doing it. I'll make some requests from now on if you like. Do the thong one. Well, see, I've been writing so much lovely, but I forget it. That's the problem. But if you write it, how do you forget something that's written down?

Have you forgotten where the notebook is? No, I forget. I forget on stage. Oh, okay. Yeah. So I might have to go to the old Ginny in Garofalo and just be unashamed. Just fucking vibe it up there. What does that mean?

I went and saw her in Montreal. She had notes on the tape, and I'm'm like what the fuck that's chick i was like get her security i was like if i could have notes i'd be good now yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah because i thought it was all about what's next yeah notes are great i always used to like if i need notes i'll do them and be like you don't fucking look at notes at your job like if you're a lawyer and you're not looking at loads you're a shit lawyer you're gonna that person's gonna get convicted wow i've been to uh i've been to see live shows by david sedaris the writer the memoir kind of the humorous writer and he's just up there he's an elector and he's just

fucking reading out of his own books it's's like, commit it to memory. We paid 80 bucks. Fucking get it all in the dongle. I'm here to see a trick. Riff Sedaris. Riff. I didn't come here to see a writer read. Read his own book. I can do that at home. This is the opposite of your job.

Is there anyone doing a cross between giving a talk and a stand up? Yeah, there's quite a few of them. I'm ready. Quite a few of them. Because a lot of them aren't funny, so I sure hope that they're trying to do it. You must do it before you get caught. I'm feeling something you do after. People will let you know when they do it by saying,

oh, this is just a TED Talk now, and then people laugh at that, and you're like, well. I know there's a coming grandstand at the moment that gets out the phone, which I think is worse than getting out the notes. Because at least if you've got a bit of scrap of paper, it sort of looks like, well, this belongs to sort of history and it belongs to sort of... Yeah, yeah.

This bit will be in the Smithsonian one day. Yeah, well, it's like you've seen that image before. But when someone holds up their phone, it's like, oh, this could be fucking... You could be reading this off Facebook or something. It is bad, yeah. So then this guy does this, right? right but then get so i've seen him do like a paid gig and he does like the material is abcde where'd you see him do a paid gig where are they well there was one last night that you didn't turn up

so mate you walked right into that one. I wish you had have. Oh, fuck. Right up the kicker. This guy does the set list, A, B, C, D, E, F, G, right? And then when he goes to do a tryout, like more of an open mic sort of gig, does the same set list but pulls out the phone and goes, just going to try a few things here.

Oh, wow. And does exactly the same set. I love this. But has phone and goes, just going to try a few things here. Oh, wow. Does exactly the same set. I love this. But like has the phone out and pretends it's brand new. Like he's fucking Superman inventing brand new material on the fucking. The funniest stand-up of all time. Superman. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Dean Cain. If I can laugh a minute. Christopher Reeve. No one funnier. And where is he based this person around town he's around town let's all start doing that

anytime someone outside of comedy asks us who our favourite comedian is let's all say Superman oh man let's get it going it's a terrible question

isn't it I don't know who mine is yeah but there used to be another comic around town that was like 10 years 15 years ago that had a thing

where apparently he did this a few times. He'd go to an open mic night, like a new comics night, and he was about 5, 10 years into it, and he'd get the emcee to introduce him as, oh, it's just his first time on stage, so go easy on him. And he'd walk out with the best of 10 years in. Fuck, that's mad. And he was a good comic,

and he'd get out there and sort of pretend to be a bit timid to start with. How do you do? I'm picturing you guys naked. I'm actually a virgin. I've never seen a kicker before. Anyway,

be a little bit shaky on your first and second jokes and get good laughs and then step more into it. And by the end, he's like destroying and the audience

are going, oh my God, this guy, that's his first kid. We're watching him behind his head, Ross. i've got to say if i'm that mc and this and i know that this person you know has been doing it 10 years and they ask me that there's no fucking way i'm bringing them up there's no way i'm going yeah no worries i wouldn't handle the conflict i'd do it yeah i would do it and then say I forgot. If you, yeah, but

I'm sure the MC was like, you know, probably five, six, seven years in, whatever it is. And I'm sure they didn't foresee what was going to happen

either. They just get a request. Will you tell me who this is later after the show? Yes, of course. Awesome.

You won't know his name though. You'd have been calling him Greg for 50 years. Maybe I was fucking with him. You do the opposite.

It's like someone brand new. You're like, guys, this guy's been going like 20 years. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's got hours and hours of great material. This is his 5,000th gig. Strap in. Actually, you know what?

You know what? Because that set him up to go really well. I reckon the opposite would have been true. Like, if you had a guy that sort of is okay after about 15 years, and there's plenty of them. Tell them he's a legend. Just, no, do the other thing.

Get up and go, this guy's been going on a fucking 20 years. He's actually no good at all. I mean, good luck. And then they come out and they're actually

like a six out of 10. Yeah. I reckon you could go pretty well. Yeah, but then it's like people are sitting there by the time the MC comes back out, they're like,

fuck, this guy's fine. Yeah. What was he going on about? This MC's a cunt. Yeah, a bit rough. That's great. The MC coming back on and just getting booed in retrospect for the intro that he gave the act that they just saw.

I reckon, yeah, and again, that happening where you go up to the MC and say, can you actually intro me as the worst act you've ever fucking seen? Yeah. I've never seen him do well. Yeah. Can you ask people to piss on me while I'm on stage? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm so bad. This guy's never done well, and if he goes well tonight Can you ask people to piss on me while I'm on stage? I'm so bad. This guy's never done well, and if he goes well tonight,

you have been part of a magical evening. That could work. Can you give me a boot up the kicker at five minutes? So we're at the European Beer Cafe at the moment. We're recording up here. We're upstairs. Downstairs is Basement Comedy Club. Last night I had a friend of the show, Troy Keeney, headlining.

He's a brilliant stand-up, that guy. Book Fair headline, Basement Comedy Club. Now, he went to come to the gig and went here first, in the room we're in, upstairs. Basement Comedy Club wasn't a big enough giveaway, apparently. So then he walks in here,

nearly ready to go on, just about time for him to headline and he told me later he's like man I fucking shit myself I know I went to the wrong room whatever but I came upstairs

and they were doing karaoke and he goes first thought the first thought I had was how am I going to fucking follow this? like I've booked a room full of karaoke for the middle bracket as the supporter

his first thought wasn't what the fuck is Chandler doing? His first thought wasn't what the fuck is Chandler doing? His first thought was my art's in trouble here. We're so selfish, aren't we? Innately.

How am I going to follow Sweet Caroline by three drunk secretaries on stage? I have thought it'd be a funny way to film a stand-up special just in one of the

private rooms at K-Box. Oh yeah, yeah. So you just have an audience of like ten people in there on the booth. Yeah. You're in a little karaoke room. With the worst microphone.

It's got that insane reverb on it. Jokes written out behind you with just like stock footage of a field and all the stuff that they've got in those. Just like a random Chinese woman looking, smiling. Yeah, yeah, exactly. It's good. It's a fucking good idea. Yeah.

You can do it. You can put it together. My child had a... My little child, Blanket, had a big nightmare last night. She had her first nightmare. Really? Yeah, where she came into the room

and it was like 3 a.m. or something. Oh, that's too scary. Yeah, yeah. Well, I didn't realise she knew what... I tripped Fiona. I look like I'm single again. I didn't know she knew about dreams yet. I didn't know she knew about, you know...

But she's only a puppy. Is she four? No, about, you know. But she's on your bubby. Is she four? No, she's three. Three. That's pretty young. Because it's like I was wondering, when do you figure out the concept of dreams? Like when do you figure out that that was just a thing

that happened when you were asleep? You're a baby. Everything is kind of overwhelming. Dreams are scary no matter what age you are. Because you don't know you're dreaming in the dream. It happened. So she came out and she was like, oh, I had a bad dream, I had a bad dream.

How did she know it was a dream? Well, that's what I mean. That's my point. That's one of my points, which is like, oh, my God, I didn't know you knew what dreams were. Yeah. I wasn't going to tell you about dreams until you were 15. Wet dreams.

That's right. Sorry. I just call them dreams because they're the only ones I have. It's wet dreams. Yeah. That's what I was talking about. Sorry. Sorry.

I was on the wrong page completely. I was going to get my mind out of sex. It's wet dreams. Yeah. That's what, oh, sorry. Sorry. I was on the wrong page completely. I was going to get my mind out of sex. That's what I think about. I love how patronising. Now that you're single, fuck, you got horny quick. Yeah, yeah. Cock, cock, cock, cock, cock, cock.

Cock, cock, cock. Anyway. I think I'm having a dream. Yeah. I love how patronising that is to a child. Like she's scared and you're like, I didn't even know you even knew what dreams were. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, I demand, I thought I was going to have to mansplain dreams to her. But anyway. So she, I had to talk her back to bed and calm down or whatever. And she was like, oh, bad dream, bad dream. I'm like, oh, okay, just forget about it. And then she started telling me the dream. And it's like, and the dream was, oh, there was a woman and she had no head. And I was like, oh, my God, that's bad.

She just kept talking about it. And I was like, that's okay. It's not going to happen. I had to sleep on the floor next to her for about an hour and a half or whatever. This is awesome if you then have a fucking terrifying nightmare about a headless woman. No, no, no. So then in the morning, I explained to my wife what happened. And she's like, what was the dream?

And I said, I guess she had this nightmare about a woman with no head. And she goes, has that got anything to do with what you were doing yesterday? And I was like, oh. You were chopping up that lady. So you know what I'd done the day before? She brought me a bottle of liquid paper and said, Daddy, what's this? And I'm like, oh, how am I going to explain this? This to a baby who doesn't even know what a fucking dream is.

Where'd you get this from? Daddy, I've just been down at Officeworks. What's this? So I had a bottle of liquid paper and I go, and so I'm explaining to her. I'm like, okay, so she's a big drawer and everything like that. I said, well, this is sort of like the opposite of drawing. And she's like, well, what does that mean? And I'm like, okay, well she's a big drawer and everything like that. I said, well, this is sort of like the opposite of drawing. And she's like, well, what does that mean?

And I'm like, okay, well, I'll show you. Bring me a drawing. Bring me something and we'll get rid of it. And so she brought me a colouring book that had a big picture of Shrek's wife in it and I liquid papered her face off. Oh, no! And I'm like, oh, this is how liquid paper, you know,

works. What a beautiful way to explain it. And then drives her into a fucking 3 a.m. spiral in her sleep. Makes her fucking shit her pants in the middle of the night. I'm just introducing liquid paper to a child. It is funny that odds were that you were going to fuck up your daughter somehow. But I wouldn't have guessed like this. I wouldn't have guessed so soon. Yeah, I thought it would have been the condescension

about not even believing she could conceive of a dream. Yeah. Me being in Southeast Asia half the year, you know. Yeah. But no, it's... Starting your mail-order bride business. It's Lady Fiona's fucking missing face. Yeah.

Very you kicking a female off the line-up of the Shrek coloring book. Damn. So you kicking a female off the line-up of the Shrek Colour Inc. Damn. So you're the primary caregiver? No, and my wife. No, but do you have more hours? You're the one that... Because at that age... They're together.

It hasn't gotten to the point of divvying up the weekend yet. Does your wife work full-time in the day? Yeah. Yeah, so you're the primary caregiver. It's cool. Yeah. Oh, well, I mean, she's at home at the moment, so it's... Yeah, so you're the primary caregiver. It's cool. Yeah. Oh, well, she's, I mean, she's at home

at the moment, so it's, yeah, it's a... It's very cool. She's doing, she's, I mean, I'm at gigs and stuff at night. That you both are.

Yeah, but that's... Someone's got to buy the white out. That's right. Someone's got to... Yeah. Someone's got to pay the side bills too

later on. When this poor little girl realizes what she grew up in. It would be very, very sad. I forgot about this, but I told my oldest boy, you know sometimes mistakes come back to you that you made. Like as a parent. Yeah.

Yeah. Mucking around uh i went in for the sex talk and then i just couldn't be fucked no i really couldn't and i thought he's too young representative of it he's too young anyway all right i'm gonna fuck it up so you just pulled out how do you get half halfway i went i said look you just told You just Just told them about the birds And not the bees No I kind of I don't know

I said At some point I went Look And I thought No I'm just going to have a laugh I'm in there anyway We're just doing half of it While I'm in

Here's how anal works Now I'm bored Yeah I'm bored It was my ADD Nothing to do with me Not my fault I just got bored

How old was he at this time, roughly? I remember thinking, he's too young anyway. But I said to him at some point, I said, look, your body's changing. You know what, don't worry about it because there's nothing to worry about now. But maybe it could happen within six months, but you're learning to start laying eggs. Did you actually say that? Fuck, that's good. And it was the best.

Oh, if I could just show you the look on his face. Oh, my God, it was terrific. Fuck, that's good. But me, you know, this is nearly 40 years ago. No idea how, not nearly, 35. No idea. Just with you talking about the dream. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Jesus, that would have. Yeah, yeah, yeah. 35 no idea just with you talking about the dream and being Jesus

that would have anyway because he and I'm a pretty good bullshit artist as you know you

yes and I was I was saying look nothing to worry about I said you don't that would be

once maybe one egg every month oh good you wanted to do that it will only it's not until

you'll be say 17, 18 you'll be, say, 17, 18, you'll be laying anything up to five to six eggs a day. And that's when he kind of, he was onto it. Oh, right. He was like, is this a joke? Right. Anyway, I remember, because he's a very cool kid,

he left an egg on his bed. Oh, that's good. And he was pretty young. but what the awkward bit was i never forget it was my husband he was having an argument in the kitchen not really an argument he used to talk about the mortgage and i didn't understand what i didn't want didn't i couldn't understand yeah what he was talking about or i mean i knew we had a mortgage but why would you talk about i don't know what to do yeah you earn the money. Right. Don't you just put some away? Yeah.

What the fuck do you want me to do about it? How do we pay? It's not like we've got a kid that lays fucking eggs. These kids aren't going to lay their own fucking eggs. Anyway, so it was tense. I used to count to 20 and just smile when he talked things I didn't understand. And anyway, that wasn't working. Nothing was working, but I'll never forget the end he said,

and you told him. I tried everything. Yeah, I tried everything. Counting to 20 while not listening. I tried telling my son he was going to lay eggs. For some reason, it didn't work. Well, you know when you get a, there's a catalogue of you did this, you did that, and you told Henry,

did you tell Henry he was going to start laying eggs? Well, that got back to Dad. Oh, yeah. And to be asked that question in serious mode. I'm so embarrassed. So that says to me that he's gone to his dad and tried to have a bit of bro chat like, how many eggs you lay today, Dad?

How many do you do? Fuck, you're a big guy. You must have some whoppers coming out. How many eggs do you reckon Warnie lays? Not many anymore. Dad, I saw you in the shower. It looked like you were about to lay two of them anyway. I think I saw two of them ready to come out.

Do you know, Warnie got me kicked out of a nightclub in Edinburgh. Shane Warne got you kicked out of a nightclub in Edinburgh. I'm just making this very clear for the Daily Mail. Because that is a fucking good headline. Then you said, I'll get you back for this one day when you're in Thailand. So we're at the assembly rooms, which I guess is the Equipment Town Hall during the venue. During Comedy Festival. And, you know only

not everyone's allowed in there in the bar anyway someone came over so you're a V.O.P. Shane Warne's a V.O.P. no but

he was in a nightclub across the road the Australian Cricket Team right and we're across the road in the Comedy Festival and someone came over

from an Australian journal or whatever said the Australian Cricket team's over there. They've just found out it's the comedy festival. They're doing the free fringe. They want comedians across the road to come say hi. But they're thanking people they know, you know, Jim Owen and whatever, who was famous at the time, you know.

And it was something like Sam Simmons and me or something turned. I don't know who the other person was, but it was a bit, I think it was a bit of a disappointment. Yeah, right. Anyway, I don't know. I'm filling in the gaps because I would have been drunk, I guess. And anyway, but I. So you did go over there.

Yeah. After you got the summons. Sidled up to warning. Right. And I was only there five minutes. Yeah. Because I said, this is all I said. How come you never text messaged me?

And he just wasn't in the mood. So it wasn't a furious getting me thrown out. It was just. Oh, really? It was a finger. It was a finger. Yeah. Oh, wow.

It was someone. Just like. Don't want to talk to her. You got dismissed. Yeah, like that. I It was someone. Just like, you got dismissed. Yeah, like that. I reckon you've got him at the exact wrong time there because in the,

you know, up until, like, he passed away, he was on Tinder in a pretty big way. Yeah. Pretty open about it

and sort of loving it. So he's kind of like playing up to the whole, like, yeah, yeah, I'm warning, I love rooting. I'm on the apps.

But you've gotten him at a time where he's like, you know, a little punchy back I wasn't exactly eye candy either at the time. It's two o'clock in the morning. I don't think Shane Warne would have been shallow. Fuck, that is amazing.

I love that. That's great. That's pretty cool. What a claim to fame. It was. That led me. Oh, God, it's just gone. My mind falls out of my ass.

Well, I was going to say before, my parents never had the sex talk with me growing up, and I've kind of always resented them slightly for it. It's a little irresponsible. It's like, you know, that's just part and parcel of having a kid. Especially, thank God, I'd rather not have the talk than have them pulling shit like that on me. Is that what's happened every time you've had sex?

The girls rolled over and gone, your parents never had the talk today. There's the sex talk, and then there's the how to fuck good talk. It's like, teach your child some skills. My mum tried to have the sex talk with me. You just need to know the right hole at first. You've got that right, haven't you? You don't even really.

It's convincing. Yeah, exactly. You just say, I'm really out there. It's all open to interpretation anyway. My mum tried to have the sex talk with me, but when I was like 14, I was kind of too old for it already at that point.

Completely! The old 10-year-old Lothario. But I mean that school had been fucking teaching you. Too late, mum, the priest got there already. The reverend taught me everything I need to know. What about the things that stay there, though?

This is biology. Yeah. And I remember I was about to eat. I was about to chow down on a testicle, right? But it was not of a human. Okay. You're eating. Just to be cool somewhere.

I just thought I'd have some fun there. was not of a human. Okay. You're eating... Hang on. Just to be cool somewhere? Yeah. So I just thought I'd have some fun there. It's just me and Josh Gibson. I've got a testicle in my mouth. It's a true story. But it's not his. Anyway, so... This is on the celebrity

to get me out of here. Yeah, and it was a wildebeest testicle. And I was okay with eating the testicle. I'm not having a good time. but it's got to be done. Who cares? It's a job.

Sell some tickets to the festival show. Then I saw a tubal thing. This is why I can't eat chicken unless I'm the boss of the chicken. I don't like tubes in my meat. Unless you're the boss of the chicken. Yes. I've got chickens out there that out-blank you. No other people that prepare the chicken.

Right, right. I only eat chicken I make. It's got to be falafel. Okay. Fionov. Falafel. Right. If I see a tube, I'll move stage.

Sure, yep. Anyway, so sure enough, I'm eating wildebeest. I see a tube. Where's the tube? Sure, yep. Anyway, so sure enough, I'm eating wildebeest. Yeah, there's going to be tubes. I see a tube. Where's the tube? Well, I'm like looking, and then all of a sudden, it was a word came back to me from year 10 biology. I just swore I'd never, ever think of this again.

I'm like, that's the vas deferens. That's a specific enough word that I have no idea if it is a vas deferens. The vas deferens. Do I have them? Yes, you do. That's where your enough word that I have no idea if it is a vas deferent. Do I have them? Yes, you do. That's where your sperm matters are. How can you go from a kicker to a vas deferent? There you go.

I'm multifaceted. That's where the sperm comes out. Yeah, it comes out the vas deferent. The vas deferent. And it's a tube and it goes from the ball sack, I guess, to the end of the shaft. Oh, vasectomy. The vas deferent. The vasectomy. Yeah. It's a vas deferent vasectomy.

Oh, right. Now I understand. And I knew that we weren't going to get five stars because that vas deferent, I ain't eating a vas deferent. Okay. I'll eat a ball, no problem. But anyway, Josh Gibson ate the vas deferent for me. Okay, that's a lovely story and very well told, I thought.

Women love to dunk on men for not knowing anything about the female anatomy. But it's like, as we've just seen, we don't even know anything about our own fucking anatomy. No, that's true. It's not like we're well-versed in what's going on in our own bodies. If it didn't come in a rhyme when I was a kid, I don't know it. Legs, arms, knees and toes, and then I run out. Right, right, right. Okay, I'm going to give you a quiz.

What's the bit? Now, this is you. Right, right, right. Okay, I'm going to give you a quiz. What's the bit? Now, this is you, too. I'm looking at Tommy. I bet you'll know because your wife's been through childbirth. You and... It's Adam. No, I'm scared to say Adam because it's not Adam. Tommy and Adam.

Oh, God, I hate this. Okay, best of three. I'm glad I'm out of this even though I bet I won't know. You've got to keep score. Oh, okay. I can't do two things at once. I'm glad I'm out of this, even though I bet I won't know. You've got to keep score. Oh, okay. I can't do two things at once, so I'm asking the question. This is so stressful. What is the area around the nipple?

Areola. Areola, right? Okay, buzzer. Areola. We're mates. What is the bit between the anus and the peni. The best bit. The best bit.

Perineum? Oh, shit. Taint is what I would call it. You put the wrong emphasis on the wrong syllable. Yeah, the perineum. Good boy. So you're even? Yeah, we are.

Okay, we need to close. Best out of three. Okay, what is... Perineum is where you guys did the 500th show. Do you get... At the end... Pussy, tits. Arsehole.

Nose, liver. At the end of the... Okay, if you win this, you can come in now, Carl. You're in. Right, late intro. Because... I don't know why. Intruder style.

Okay, yeah. It's called a vagina. Here's the uterus. Missionary. The uterus, then there's a, then there's a, something comes out either side of the uterus. Okay, now that's.

And when you were saying uterus, you were stroking your breasts, which sort of. I don't know why I did that. I see my arms are being. Oh, I see. You're doing the. My uterus.

You're acting out. So there's this. The ovaries. The shape of it. Well. But then you've got your fallopian tubes in between. You're doing the... My uterus... So there's this. The ovaries. But you've got your fallopian tubes in between. Right. Now, these are the fallopian tubes. Indeed, indeed. Right? But what is this? Now, I'm making the action of one. No, it's like a octopus.

Is there? I've seen it on those inside the body books. Yeah. This is the Japan ones. And they pick up something from the... They pick up the egg. A claw machine. It's the infantibulum. Look it up.

The infantibulum. The infantibulum. Okay. I've never heard of that before in my life. Thank you. Now, I came to the right podcast, didn't I? I'm doing science. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah. Adam was supposed to be here. Adam, what's the guy? Adam Knox. Spencer. No, Adam Spencer. Yeah, yeah. We were going to talk about body parts. Adam, what's the guy? Adam Knox. No, Adam Spencer. Yeah, yeah.

We were going to talk about body parts. Adam Spencer's the Pussy Quiz podcast. Bung on. Yeah. All right. That was very educational. And I'm... Bored. I never had an infant tip in the way that the one thing I didn't know,

I haven't remembered. Yeah, I've already... Oh, you didn't know about the infant tip. And I couldn't say what you've just said again. I don't know what it is. I haven't remembered. Yeah, I've already... Oh, you didn't know about the infant tip? And I couldn't say what you've just said again. I don't know what it is. I barely know them. Yeah, so sorry. I was just showing off that I had some knowledge.

Yeah, you know three things... I know three things. It took me 50 years to remember. Now, a question for you. What's my name? Adam Knox. Adam Knox. Adam Knox.

Do you know... Guess where I live in Adelaide Where do you live in Adelaide I can't say Well not anymore Right you've been kicked Oh Yeah Yeah

Named after one of the names That you like Adam Knox I completely missed it A 24 hour bakery You live in Adelaide I do The blue one

That sells the HSPs I live in I feel like I live in Hollywood Thataway. I do. The blue one that sells the HSPs. I feel like I live in Hollywood. That's what it looks like, the Hollywood Hills. Really? And it's Adelaide, yeah. Yeah, okay. I can see from my place, I can see the city and the ocean.

All right. That's pretty good. Are you on the Adelaide Walk of Fame yet? Have you got your own star down there? No, I do not. Me and Anne Wills, no? Yeah, sure. Willsy.

Adelaide is pumping at the moment, but it's a slow burn. Yeah. It's going to pump. Two opposite. Yeah. What is happening there? That made no sense.

It's on life support. It's pumping, but it's a slow burn. What we're waiting for is all the cunts to die. There's a lot of cunts that need to die. It's the only problem with Adelaide, too many cunts. Right. Yeah.

You need a burn off and some fresh. They would slowly just pop off. It's a very old city, isn't it? Yeah, and it's the only free settled city and very who are you, what, you know. Is it? What about this? Because you would have been Doing comedy around there

So We've always wondered What's the weirdest city For a comedy scene And you know Adelaide's in the mix I mean I think I think maybe

We would say Perth Is number one No no Adelaide would be number one Adelaide's number one Yeah gotta be Weirdest comedy scene

Because Perth still Delivers You know Perth has audiences Yeah that's true which forgives a lot of things. But Adelaide doesn't have an audience and has weirdos performing. Adelaide's the place where you can go and you can do the best gig that they have in the city and there'll be one tradie who's its first time doing comedy every time as well.

Or they'll introduce him as its first time, but maybe he's done it for ten years. I think it's not good enough for Adelaide. I'm cross on behalf of Adelaideans. I think every city, particularly, you know, it's not a tiny city. It's not a big city, but it's not. It can afford to run comedy three nights a week. But is that?

Two nights a week at least. Whose fault is that, though? Is that the general public's or is that the people organising and performers and blah, blah, blah? Because I think general public's or is that the people organising and performers and blah, blah, blah? Because I think you've got to meet in the middle a little bit,

I reckon. Yeah, what do you mean? Well, I would say it's a very easy thing to look at. I think people rag on Adelaide gigs and whatever.

But, you know, in our experience, we come over and they do not buy tickets or they buy them at the last minute. Oh, Adelaide people? Yes.

Yeah, so it's a little bit on them. It's got to be on them a bit. But Adelaide's never really had what you would call a, like it's not Friday, there's never been a good Friday, Saturday night comedy. Strong lineup ever, anywhere. Yeah. Look, it's definitely a conversation. But who wants to do it?

Not me. Yeah. You're here over the weekend. It's definitely a conversation. But who wants to do it? Not me. Yeah. You're here over the weekend. I've got a residency in a venue that I love for a year.

And I'm trying to get some coin from Adelaide. I don't know whether I go privately or... But to bring out international headliners. Oh, yeah. For once. I want to do 10 months of it. Right. But I don't want to do 10 months of it Right But I don't want to be

A comedy club booker Yeah Yuck Disgusting Some of the worst people I met one once Absolutely Rotten fucks

It's definitely on them Oh thank god He's yelling at you For being not at their gig They're not turning up Yep Yep I met one of them once

Yeah Sounds awful Yeah Sounds fucking horrific It was terrible No it would be I met one of them once. Sounds awful. Yeah, sounds fucking horrific. It was terrible. No, it would be, and this is the problem I've seen, and I'm so old now, I don't give a fuck.

This young comic, he said, no, I'm going to set up a room, and he's doing a room up in, what's... Some suburb in Adelaide. Yeah, but south. I don't know anything. I know less about Adelaide

than I know about all the fucking parts of the body you just said. It's almost all dingo area. Perineum. Perineum! Thank you. Beautiful this time of year. And I said, yes, I'd turn up and do the first one. He said, this is going to be great.

I'm going to do it. I'm like, really? You're going to do this? What, every week, aren't you? Well, I can tell you right now it won't work. So knock it off. Why won't it work? Because you won't get a headliner.

Exactly. You dumb cunt. For fuck's sake. And then people are going to come. There's some female anatomy I understand. And then people are going to come and they're going to say, I saw a comedy and it was shit shit because all you have left is shit. There's going to be a little girl who says,

I had a nightmare when there was a club without a headliner. Maybe it's further up's fault, you know, as in government or some kind of infrastructure of a city. There's always someone to blame. They're all lizard people. Not blame. There's got to be someone. I think stand-up is as important,

like a stand-up room is as important as a boxing ring in a city. I would say this. I'll say this at the very least. Combine them. It's a hard thing. It's a hard thing to figure out because at the end of the day,

there's all a lot of like, oh, why don't they do this or they do that. At some point someone's just got to do something. It's hard to go

why isn't this happening? Well someone's got to fucking put their hand up and do it. But Adelaide I would say this there should be something like that

because it's fucking 45 minutes from Melbourne. I know it's the cheapest place to get the headline. Melbourne's got all the headliners.

Put them on a fucking Jetstar. It costs you 35 bucks each way. I'll come and pick them up. It's pretty easy. It's pretty easy. headliners. Put them on a fucking Jetstar. Cost you 35 bucks each way. I'll come and pick them up. It's pretty easy. It's pretty easy.

It's so easy. Hugh's on a Jetstar flight having to pay extra for the little iPad to watch movies on. I thought Horrible Buff is too though.

Pretty good. When you do Hugh's, it's so good. Why's Hugh's got a lisp? I don't know. Because I can't do his voice. Is this gay Hugh's? Can you do do Hughsey? It's so good. Why has Hughsey got a lisp? I don't know because I can't do his voice. Is this gay Hughsey? Can you do gay Hughsey?

Was this Hughsey on the plane as the stewardess? I don't know. All right. Well, we'd better wrap it up for another week on the Little Dumb Dumb Club. Fiona O'Loughlin, Adam Knox, thank you very much for joining us. I didn't even get to mention Jesus, who I now love. You're religious. Next time. Oh, I didn't even get to mention Jesus, who I now love. You're religious. Next time.

Yeah, yeah, sure. He loves you too. Oh, nice. Oh, that's good. Oh, Adam. I have a special message for him for you. We've all got a spare hour after this. You can always just tell us about that.

Oh, hang about. Yeah, I hope you've got pamphlets. I have. Great. And a coloring book. I've got some whiteout. We'll scare some kids. kids Fiona have you got things you'd care to plug

you've got shows coming up follow Fiona on the socials you've got the book out yeah I do have something but it's a bit too soon have you got any have you got your book on the website

your book's a great read yeah unreliable I can't even remember what it's called unreliable Jesus is the heart and soulreliable. I can't even remember what it's called. Unreliable. Jesus is the Heart and Soul, right? Unreliable memoir.

Did I tell you what my mum said? No. I said to mum, she was being a bit terse. I said, Mum, is there something in the book that upset you? We could talk about it. You've read it, it's a heart. It's a good read. Good read, I'd hate to have lived it, but fuck, good read.

Page turner. Mum said, of course there's nothing in the book that upset me. I haven't bloody read the book. I've no intention of doing so. I was like, oh, thank God. Yeah, so actually what I am doing is reading. I'm doing my own book club where I'll be reading a chapter. You can invite your mum and do your book.

It's an online thing whereby it's all live. Yeah, that's what... Anyway, I'll get... I'll... Plug that. Follow Fiona on the socials. I don't understand what it is called, but that's what I'll be doing. Right.

But your website, can you get your book? Plug your book. Yes, yes, please. My website's fiona.com and get hold of it. Also, oh, yeah, Arthur Artbar, my pop-up shop. Oh, yeah, if you're in Adelaide. You don't even have to come to Arthur Artbar. It's a pop-up shop online.

I'm probably going to be a magazine, the whole thing. Fiona. Oh, yes. Oh, nice. Might get you some trouble there. Pretty sure that's already a magazine the whole thing. Fiona. Oh, yes. Oh, nice. I might get into some trouble there. Pretty sure that's already a magazine. OMAG. All right, Noxy, you've got...

Truths from an unreliable witness. That's it. I've got the truth. I whipped the phone out and I went to Google and I Googled household brain damage. The one before that is called... Me of the Never Never. Me of the Never Never.

Yes. Someone said to me the other day, the writer, she said, you know that first book of yours? She said, I think it's literature, but it just got ignored. I'm like, have you seen the cover? It's the worst cover you've ever, go get the book just to buy the cover. Okay.

Just to look at it. I'm going to just cut off. Come on, Noxie. It's a pretty regular looking. It's disgraceful. Can I have a look? I'm only looking at it in small. Oh, yeah.

It's you with your sort of hands on your cheeks with'm only looking at it in small Oh yeah, it's you with your sort of hands on your cheeks with angel wings drawn behind you. Look at the size of the arms. What? They look like press hands.

Oh, that's the problem. They look like press hands. And I look like I roll my own tampons with that haircut. Someone's drawn all over your wallpaper too. The cover's not so bad

as it is the publicity show. Yeah. Okay. Get it on Kindle so you don't have to look at the cover. No, that's on the cover. The cover's not so bad as it is the publicity shot. Yeah. Okay. Get it on Kindle so you don't have to look at the cover. No, that's on the cover. The same photo. I like the cover. I like the new cover.

The new cover's great. That's another book. That's the first book. I've noticed in the new cover, you've kept your arms out of it. It's wrists up only. Get the new one. Great cover. You can read the book and then you can frame it.

Yeah. Work of art. Yeah, jack off to it, anything. Do whatever you want. Be my guest. Warm up that Vans difference. Absolutely go for it. There's not enough covers that you can jack off to.

Usually you've got to be right for the truth. Oh, do send me a DM. Ask for permission first. It'd be polite. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It won't be denied, but go through the formality. Like artists who are like, yeah, you can get my art tattooed on you if you want.

Just pay for a tattoo pass on my website. Same thing. You should put jack-off passes on your website. A hundred bucks for the privilege. Noxy, you've got the Filthy Casuals podcast that you and I do together. Yeah, go listen to that. Tommy probably talks about it on here every week. Filthy Casuals.

In my own plug. Yeah, it's about video games. I don't know if it would be for... But it's funny, but yeah. And you've also got Oos Spooky. Oos Spooky is another one where we go through a big book from the 80s of spooky stories and make fun of them. And Hollywood Phonies, I guess, is the other one.

That sounds good. What's that? That one, we make up movies. So fake movies that are in the background of real movies. You know when you see like a pretend movie poster. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. We go through and we make up what that movie is. So we like invent that movie and go through the script.

Tommy does that one as well. Yeah. I'm afraid to leave the house unless Tommy's going to be there. So I do five podcasts with him. I'm Noxy's carer at this point. Yeah. Yeah. But yeah, those are some podcasts you can go listen to.

Let's wrap it up there, guys. Thanks very much for listening and we'll see you next time. See you, mate. See you next time. See you, mate. And they've done it again. Yeah, good to have the queen of comedy back on. Plus Fiona. Yes!

That is what it's all about. There we go. That is the shit. Fuck, it just makes you feel alive, doesn't it? Yeah, it makes me feel good at is the shit. Fuck, it just makes you feel alive, doesn't it? Yeah, yeah. It makes me feel good at what I do. Yeah.

Yeah, it looked good to eventually get Fiona. You know, the classic Fiona experience. The classic, you know what, the classic old school Australian comedy experience of dealing with comedians of a certain vintage and, I don't know, the rules of society don't quite apply to them for some reason. Yeah, you mean the rules of society where it's impolite to make people wait for 90 minutes before you turn up to do the thing that you said you'd do?

Just something like that. There's a few of them. It's everyone of a certain ilk, of a certain age. It's just like, yeah, this is how we used to do it back in the day. I don't know. Everyone in the 80s, did they just used to yeah, this is how we used to do it back in the day. I don't know. Everyone in the 80s, did they just used to all live in St Kilda

and turn up to gigs five hours late and just take a shit on the stage? Is that what happened? I don't know. Well, people of that era talk about how it's like,

you know, when we started, there wasn't, you couldn't make a career out of this. You know, we were all just like fucking around

and seeing what happened and it's like, sure, that's cool and that would have been great but now it is your career. Yes. And you got asked to be at work at 4 p.m and you turned up at 5 30 yeah yeah look having said that very very nice of her to do it absolutely and we love fiona and she's very funny on and all that sort of stuff but it is just an observation of when you deal there's you know there's probably four or five people out there of that sort of thing

where it's like, these people, I have to text every five minutes. Are you still coming? Yes. Are you still coming? Yes. Are you still coming? To what? Oh, that thing that was four hours ago, right?

Yeah, that thing you reminded me about five minutes ago. I didn't know about that. When I got home from doing this episode, my girlfriend was like, oh, that took a while. And I was like, yeah, we were just waiting for like 90 minutes for her to turn up. And she's like,

she couldn't believe, she was like, oh, what? Isn't that, oh, fuck, that's, is that really annoying? I was like, oh, you know, what do you do? She was like, isn't that,

fuck, isn't that really annoying? I was like, oh, no, we just kind of, me, Carl and Adam just sat around talking shit. You know, we were having a good time you know it was a bit annoying but like but what do you do it's like not the end of the world she's like just couldn't believe it it's like why is that okay i'm like i don't know whatever well look as we say you know it's great

to have her on it's not like we're paying a mega bucks to be on it it's good of her to do it but it is just interesting to deal with people where it's like fuck the the new generation but whatever you can complain about you can't complain about that like no one no one's pulling those ones anymore yeah yeah it's almost the other way around where it's like okay comedy used to be just people as you say maybe not making a career of it and getting pissed and just doing drugs and whatever it was and just doing it for the sake of it and now it's a lot more business like like you you know i'll i'll run a gig like this and be And now it's a lot more businesslike. I'll run a gig like this and be like,

oh, there's a couple of good people in line. This will be good to have a few beers. And then they all come in and go, none of us are drinking. Also, as soon as we're done, we're leaving to go to another gig or to get up early to do something professional. We'll be sending the invoice for the gig while we're wrapping up on stage mid-spot.

Get that bookkeeping happening straight away. That is the one nice thing about, I guess, about the, you know, sort of harking back to the good old days or the bad old days is once Comedy Festival finished this year and I was running a bunch of gigs and I was, you know, there were paid gigs and comedians were doing them. And the next day, just seeing which comedians invoice me at 9am straight after the comedy festival, just going, who is short of a dollar? I think we know now.

You know who I think would be the better move? 1201am. Right. Straight away, it's like, you're sitting down there at that hi-fi bar after party just like, the comedy festival officially over, it's time to get fucking QuickBooks out and start this fucking train movie. You're saying it like, you know, that would be funny if that happened. There is a certain friend of the show that invoices before they get there,

before they get to the gig. Before they get to the gig? Yeah. Yeah, okay. There are some people that, have you ever heard, this is a superstition, I hadn't until recently, to get the money before the gig is bad luck. Absolutely. And it's like once I, I'm not generally superstitious,

but once I hear about one existing, then I can't get it out of my brain. Yeah. And so now I'm like, So you haven't heard that one before? Not until quite recently. Wow. Because someone tried to give me money

for something beforehand recently. And just because that was in my head, I was like, better not. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I better not. Yeah, yeah. I mean, if I bomb,

I want it to be on my own terms. Yes. Not because of some fucking witchcraft. Yes. Yeah. You want a pure bomb yeah well that's interesting because you would think

that there's not so much of that anymore with the lack of cash going around and it being more invoice sort of friendly yeah absolutely yeah yeah

I definitely well and also the cash is generally it's like it's coming out of the door you know it's coming out of the till yeah yeah yeah

so it's like it's who's this person that's like doesn't it's like it's fine man just get me on the way out it's alright out of the till. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So it's like, who's this person that's like, doesn't, it's like, it's fine, man. Just get me on the way out. It's all right. Yeah, I do like that idea.

It's bad luck. It's like, yeah, you know what? It's your fault that you handshaked a $50 note to me before the gig. That's your fault that I, but my joke writing is fucking abysmal. But what all, I mean, like all superstitions, I wonder what the jet, I mean, was there just like some, some like New York, like some club comic somewhere in the world or whatever, and they get the money up front and they're just having a horrible bomb.

And they just start the rumour up there on stage. They're like, I fucking knew this would happen. It's all because I got the cash up front. It's the cut to someone bombing up on stage and then you see the close-up of the guy's face and he looks down at his fist and his fist opens up and there's this rumpled up little pineapple there. Oh, he's got the money on stage.

He's got it on stage in his hand as he's doing the gig going, No! You've taken the money before the gig. You're getting up. You're just doing rope. You're just doing stuff that always kills. Your two jokes in and they're getting nothing. And those are your surefire hits. And you're like oh no and you just pull the 50

out and you're just like yeah chucking it back at the promoter it's like yes i don't want it like a grenade for free like a grenade and you just go ah quick and then all of a sudden the crowd's like oh yes harold hold paul is good yeah yeah someone in the crowd accidentally grabs the 50 note, then they get a text from a relative like, your mum's got cancer. They're like, no, this fucking cursed money, get it away from me! This is making me not funny. My grandma has cancer.

It's pretty unfunny. There's not that much, you know, you can't really, if you had to do an hour about that, fucking hell, you'd be struggling. I like the idea of someone in the front row going, I'm bombing here. I'm absolutely silent, but my family's dying. My life is bombing.

Yes. Well, I mean, it's like... My family's bombing. It's bad luck at the gig, so it's like bad things are just happening to punters in the gig. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, well, it's only bad luck for performance-wise. There's nothing like...

No-one's slipped over on a banana skin on stage and like still killed but like broken their back and going oh fuck it was the 50 yeah yeah yeah yeah or like your wages coming through just a day early yeah for some administrative fuck up at your office job and you're like oh no i'm gonna have a shocker of a day now or it's like you know i'm about to go on stage and do half an hour's headline and you get the handshake before the gig and it's 20 bucks. You go, man, this is bad luck for me. I'm getting paid like fucking dog shit here.

Yeah. They open their palm and it's like, yeah, you shouldn't have looked at the money. Yeah. Yeah. You shouldn't have taken it. It's bad luck. You could, like, you could slip, if you were doing crowd work with someone and you slip their money in the audience, then it's bad luck for them. Oh.

That's like, so what do you work? What do you do? Nothing. Oh, the penis factory. Yeah. Oh, the penis factory. They're like, what? I don't work there at all. I work at the bank. Why the? What do you do? Nothing. Oh, the penis factory. Oh, the penis factory. They're like,

what? I don't work there at all. I work at the bank. Why the fuck did I say that? Yeah, yeah. I'm getting destroyed by this guy. Yeah. Well, yeah, that's a concept.

So, what else happened? That's all the meat off that bone. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We're just down to fucking gristle now. No, that's fine. That's wrapped up. Is that your beer? Yeah. Oh, really?

Yeah. Yeah. Oh, no. I just wondered, because it's like 5.30. It's 5.30 now. Yeah, yeah, fine. That's wrapped up. Is that your beer? Yeah. Oh, really? Yeah. I just wondered because it's like 5.30. It's 5.30 now. Yeah. Starting early. Yeah, I'm going somewhere after this. Okay. You were running a little late, so I was like, you know what?

I'll just have a little beer. Enjoy yourself. Yep. Can't think of anything else to do by myself. Yeah. It's not drinking. Yeah, fair enough. I am.

We are recording this. When it comes out, people may have half an idea or may have half a question about my state of mind because the European Cup final, the Champions League final, featuring my beloved Liverpool Football Club, was on a couple of days ago. We're recording this on a Saturday afternoon. So this is me figuring out what I'm doing for the rest of the day, whether I'm going to start drinking and go all the way through.

What time is it on? 5 a.m. Okay. So a little 12-hour sesh to warm up for the event. I don't think that's going all the way through. I think that's getting near and then passing out. Yeah. I'm thinking I'm going to – we're at the basement, Comedy Club.

The gig kicks off in a couple of hours. I'm going to probably just race home after this and get up early and maybe go to the rock and roll club next door and watch it for some reason yeah that is an annoying time it's like if you stay up that's just gonna fuck the thing for you and the whole next day yeah but it is a fucking i don't know if you do this like when you go to the airport or something like that, I'm assuming that's the only thing you really get up that early for these days. Just sleeping, getting that sleep in before when you know that alarm's going to go off. Can you do it? Yeah, it's bad.

Yeah, it is. It is pretty awful. I wrecked two days the other day doing that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I tried to go to sleep and then wake up at 2 a.m. to watch game. And then after watching a game, tried to go back to sleep. Absolutely full of adrenaline. No chance. So that meant I just did not sleep all night.

But that fucking going to sleep from 10 till 2, I reckon I woke up and looked at the phone every 15 minutes. When you're stressed about missing the alarm, we did a thing for the Video Games Podcast where there was a uh there was like a live stream thing that we were live commentating during one of the lockdowns that was on at like 4 a.m or something yeah and that was a punish because it's like you're not gonna go to bed and set the alarm for 3 30 i was kind of like uh this is kind of cool just an excuse to just

be up really late watching movies and stuff and then it got to two and it was like oh my god i'm tired i'm bored i've still got another fucking two hours to just keep myself awake this is fucking awful yeah well plus when you're doing that when you've got a kid it's like well the kid there's no talking to a kid going yeah daddy stayed up to watch football last night so you could do the right thing and just shut up for about five hours like nah well with the right age kid it probably lines up perfectly like if you've got a kid that's like sleeping very badly and you're getting up for something at like four five you know there would be people who were like hey this is kind of awesome yeah the kid just wakes me up at this time anyway yeah you know i'm already in that sleep pattern where i'm going to bed early because

i'm fucked because the kid's waking me up at 4 a.m. Yeah. Probably a few people that are in that Venn diagram. It's a horrible roll of the dice as well because it's like, all right, this is going, whatever I do, this is going to fuck me for a day. Yep. And there's a big chance that what I get up for, there's a 50-50 chance that I'm going to fucking hate what happens. Oh, absolutely. So it's going to fuck my day two ways. Yep. Yep.

So it's like, oh, man, it's such a, I a i mean there's no there's no like oh maybe i shouldn't get up after all but there is a lot of this i'm yeah this could be one of the worst days ever yeah i did it the other day and it honestly fucked me for two days i was nearly you know when you get to that stage of tired when you're nearly crying you're just like oh my god this is you can totally start to say this is this is this will be the best torture technique. Oh, absolutely. If you do this for five days, it's like, I mean, I'll tell you all I know, but what I know at that stage might be fucking nothing.

Yeah. Or might be. I'm delirious. Yeah, exactly. I kind of think that does happen, right? They torture people. Yes. Yeah, man, whatever the fuck you want.

Yes. I'll just give you fake information. Yes. Let me out of here. Absolutely. But hey, speaking of torture. Yes. You can get on, speaking of torture. Yes. You can get on.

Speaking of torture. Oh, fuck yeah. Milan is now ringing me, which may be connected to what choices I make tonight, to be honest. Yeah, exactly. Hey, you can get on patreon.com slash little dum-dum club right now. You can support the show and you can receive two bonus episodes every week, Mondays and Fridays, which, hey, if you're in the position, maybe you could use them as a form of torture. If you happen to have some prisoners of war

in the chicken coop out the back, you could just get the Bose speaker and just blast that at 2 a.m. to keep you captive awake. Well, I mean, look, there are some, you know, if you've got to sit up and wait for something like that, you've got six hours to wait. I mean, there you go. There's bonus episodes.

They're about 15 minutes long. You could go through, what's that, about 24 episodes. Yeah, and we should point out you get the entire back catalogue of 236 or something at the moment that are on there. So, yeah, you can get on there right now and you've got a real treasure trove that, yeah, if you've got something coming up, if you've got a flight coming up that's at 5 a.m and you're like that's how i'm going to spend my time before i get on the plane oh also binging audio content shout out to the people who who you hear from every now and then that have you know found it and then gone i'm gonna listen to it from the start i'm i'm can't there's a guy i'm not have

i talked about this is a guy that just keeps texting me what he's up to. Oh, from Perth? From Perth. Yeah. But on the main feed, right? Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So he's not... So, yeah, I find it interesting, those guys, the texting. I'm assuming that... Even there's other people like that, but they're on the social. So they're seeing all this stuff about us, you know, me being married and, you know,

you having a girlfriend or, you know, us talking about referring to all this stuff. married and you know you having a girlfriend or you know us talking about referring to all this stuff but they're still going oh this is confusing because i'm up to episode 112 what's this lockdown they keep going on that's beautiful boys yeah yeah the pub's open what are you fucking whinging about it is funny to be listening to fucking these idiots from you know year one year two of this podcast where we can barely talk and then it's like and then they look on the socials and like oh you're playing to a thousand people at the athenaeum theater and you're celebrating your third fucking convention in thailand what the fuck that's exciting that's like a better way of listening to it where you kind of like you know it's like a tarantino movie

you kind of see the end at the beginning right let's see you know let's see how we end up there it's it's better call sol it's like well like, well, we know what's happened to him, but we're along for the journey. I know. That person's going to die. That person's probably going to die because they're not in Breaking Bad. Yeah. I'd like to think we're a little bit faster paced than that fucking show,

which is sort of driving me nuts at the moment. Are you watching it at the moment? Yes. Man, it's fucking good. I don't think it is. It's fucking pissing me off. Oh, I'm loving it. The last episode I liked.

Now we've got a little break. Now we've got a fucking little month and a half. Yeah. We've got to wait over here because it's fucking Memorial Day and shit over there. In the next month and a half, I reckon the same amount of action that will happen that has happened in the last six eps. Fuck. Like, I watch it with Don't Say a Name and just go, we just turn to each other after

every episode and go, they've done it again. Nothing fucking happened. Yeah, right. It's the opposite of fucking Breaking Bad. name and just go we just turn to each other after every episode and go they've done it again nothing fucking happened yeah right it's the opposite of fucking breaking bad yeah but yeah i like that about it yeah i mean i'm all in i'm fucking i can't wait to see like yeah i can't wait to see this final batch like how they how they lead it directly into where he's at in breaking bad because he's still not you know he's still not fully Like, I feel like that's the whole expectation, is that we're going to see him fully turn into the Saul Goodman that he's in in Breaking Bad.

I don't care about that. He's still got a bit of a way to go. I want to see fucking Cinnabons or whatever he's working at. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I want to see what happens in that world. Yeah. Not in fucking, it's like, yeah, he's going to survive. This person's going to survive.

This person's going to survive. This person's going to survive. Yeah, I don't know. It's fucking annoying me. Okay. Anyway, but having said that, let's get on to what we started to talk about. Speaking of things that take too long to get to the point. Patreon, all the Patreon subscribers, and there are plenty of you out there, thank you so much for supporting the show and letting us get to this point in history.

Without you, we would have both been working down at the local IGA by now. At Australia's Cinnabon. Yes. IGA. Relocating after pretending we've never done a podcast. Yeah. New identity. Witness protection.

New identity. Peter Warsaw and... Jeff Keefe. Jeff Keefe Jeff Keef yeah working at rival IGA's one in Fitzroy one in Brunswick no they're across the road

and we're just like staring at each other out the windows Thailand 7-Eleven style yeah yeah yeah where they just have one like literally

oh you know Bridge Road Richmond style where they've got one over the road from each other it happens pretty commonly it's the same with

Maccas's where you're like, fuck me. There's one just there. No, Maccas's is a little bit more controlled than that I reckon because yeah, 7-Eleven,

that's insane. The one in Bridge Road, that's crazy. But I've seen ones in Thailand where it's like, I reckon there's 20 metres. I reckon there's

20 metres in it. That's crazy. But you know, they're an awesome shop over there. 7-E it that's crazy yeah um but you know they're an awesome shop over there they're 7-elevens here suck fuck them uh thank you to everyone that subscribes and to future subscribers but we're not going to read out your names because i don't know what they are yet but we there's a strict rule we only put names that we that are actually you know currently subscribed to the show yep into the unplanned title alternative we we there's legally we can't put names that are actually currently subscribed to the show into the Unplanned Title Alternative. Legally, we can't put names of people that haven't listened yet.

People are protesting this constantly. People are sending us the change.org websites. They've got thousands of signatures. We're like, we don't care. People are sending us emails going, hey, why haven't you read my name out yet, despite the fact that I've never listened, I don't subscribe. I don't follow this account. Who is this I'm even talking to? I might start doing that.

Just find random shit. Where's my shout out? But here are some, here's a bunch of names of people that do exist, that do have listened, that are currently subscribing. Let's do, first cab off the rank this week. Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber. Thank you to Rashad. Here's a bunch of names of people that do exist, that have listened, that are currently subscribing. Yep. Let's do first cab off the rank this week. Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber. Thank you too. Rashad Fuller.

Okay. Rashad. I believe the first Rashad that we've ever read out on this part of the show. That sounds like, yeah, I'd back that. I'd believe that. R-A-S-H-A-D. That's it. Beautiful name.

That's it. Rashad Fuller. I wouldn't be expecting Fuller coming off the back of that. Nice little mix of cultures there, isn't it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Pretty good stuff. I think of Fuller as the... Fuller House.

RIP Bob Saget. Oh, your mate. My mate. No, I think of it as in Meribah growing up, there was, I think, two bakeries and one of them was Fuller's. Okay, yep. That was a tiny little bakery that, you know, back before, I remember it was very exciting when Sunny Crust, you know, came to Maribor. Where you had like branded bread because it was back when I was a kid, it was just like whoever, you know, there was two cunts in town that had an oven.

Yeah. It's like, all right, well, we're getting bread out of them. We can get the flour on the water. Yeah. We'll make it happen. Yeah. But like just, you know, that classic kid thing, you would have been the same where it's like,

if something from America came to town and you'd be like, oh my God, this is the fucking best. It was like, I remember being legitimately excited when other towns pies and bread came to town. Yeah, totally. I mean, I remember going to America when I was a kid and like, I just, I felt like I was going to pass out. It's like the overstimulation of just like all this stuff that I had seen. Cause I would get like, I would get comic books that were like imported from America, like not the like local version. So I'd see the ads and like, obviously like references to things on TV. And then you just, you literally step out the airport, and it's all there. There's no, like, air freight,

and also this edition is, like, $45 because we've gotten it hot off the airplane. It's like, hey, man, it's just here, and it's four bucks. It's been like, oh, my fucking God. Oh, and also it's like, you know, America in that way is like, it's almost like meeting a celebrity.

Yeah, totally. It's like seeing, you know, fucking, i don't know robert redford walk down the street and you go oh my god look at him in america you're just pointing at everything going ha ha it's all here yeah i want to get everything's autograph i remember b i remember a friend going not long before i went my friend potters and he um he was like you know anyone who is that where you got the idea to do a podcast from yeah yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, right. He created it. Right. It's named after him.

Right. Yeah, it was that thing where a friend from school would go overseas and this is like pre-internet, so all we have is just like, you know, bits and bobs from TV shows. Yeah. And so it's like he comes back and everyone's just crowding around him. And he was like, yeah, it was like being in a movie. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He was just saying that like it was like meeting someone famous just like constantly it was fucking unbelievable yeah and then i went and friends in my i don't know if i've ever told

this friends of mine in my class gave me lists of um like lollies and stuff that they wanted so like big red and like jolly ranches and stuff and so i just went around and like did the inventory and just like wanted to like real people pleaser like wanted to like please everyone and um people gave me their money and stuff and then like i took the list and like when we were mid-holiday i like gave the cash and like the list to my dad and he looks at it and he's like jesus fucking christ like we had to get a new suitcase. Oh, really? Like, it was people. Kids were, like, I hadn't even properly looked at the list. But kids were, like, taking the piss.

Like, people were like, can I just get six boxes of Big Red? Oh, really? Not packets. Just, like, so Dad has to go in and just be like, hey, can I speak to the manager of this supermarket? And just, like, get a bit of wholesale fucking inventory going on. Dad was like, yeah, I didn't want to let down any of your little friends. Because, you know, he gets it. He's if you if you've said to people that you'll do this yeah and then you come back and you haven't they're gonna fucking eat you alive yeah no son

of mine is gonna be he's gonna go back on his word of what he's promised his classmates when we when we went a couple of times and around that time i think i i went with my then girlfriend as well when the the australian dollar was really strong oh yeah yeah yeah that was fucking that was a beautiful time exactly that was because i mean obviously we're talking like this because we've got some form of inferiority uh complex with america where you just see it on tv all the time you go oh look at us we're fucking nobodies and you go over there and everything's oh my god it has me i mean watching people in the last couple of years especially like some people that we know that are over there be like this is the worst country on earth it's sinking

into the ocean we need to get the fuck out of here and there's still a bit of me that's like shut up it's good it's awesome like you have good shit you have enough of a population that big cool things happen there yeah your lollies are yum yeah i don't know i'm i'm i'm loving it i'm actually a bit more like yeah fuck this it makes me feel better about being here in the way that uh i don't have to feel bad about not you know not having made an effort to go and get a career over there or anything like that you'd be hating it anyway like if you were trapped there you'd be like oh this is this is fucked. I feel unsafe. You know, with the shootings at the moment and that, you know, brings it home.

I send my kid to daycare or whatever. Right. And you go, fuck, I imagine fucking having that in your head. Anyway. Yeah, but, you know, her getting gunned down and then you drinking a Snapple that costs you $1.50. You'd be like, well, it all comes out in the wash. Having one of those rare American candy bars that have peanuts and chocolate together. Yeah, absolutely.

It's just. Three musketeers. It's just, it's such a con. It's like the, you know, it's like the Mexican restaurants where it's just like, it's all the fucking same. It's got 17 different names. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's the same as the chocolate bars over there.

But it's also like you and me being very swept up in like, ah, when we like did that road trip, we're like, ah, we'll go to Applebee's, we'll's we'll go to denny's how good is this the chains from like adam sandler movies and then you go there and it's like this is the worst food i've ever had in my life this is this you would not be allowed to serve this food in australia yeah absolutely the food authorities here would not let you do this yeah right the british get a bad rap but it's like fucking hell pound for pound yeah the like sheer quantity of bad american food is like fucking hell what was good is because you know because we i like i said the inferior uh complex or whatever it was but then the australian dollar getting so good and us going over there going ah fucking let's just absolutely take advantage of this third world

country and buy i'll just buy shit i don't even fucking want it really was fucking good especially growing up where you'd like you'd go to get something. I would import DVDs online from Amazon and it would be like your shipping would be a bit and then it would be like double. So you had to really want it. I remember getting seasons two and three of Arrested Development because it just wasn't on here.

So it was like, I just want to see it. I'll just get it. I'll wait fucking two months for the post. I'll pay the fucking 120 for the dvd so just like being raised on all that kind of stuff and then finally the economy goes into a fucking tailspin yeah and we're over there just walking through tower records being like all right eight dollars for a cd yeah not bad yeah even jb wouldn't be able to beat that yeah everything except for that thing where you go in and go, oh, nice one, hamburger is $2.16. Great, I'll have one of them. No worries, that'll be $2.42, thanks.

The fucking number is this number. Yeah. No plus tax. Why would you not tell me that? And now you have to tip me $10 or I'm going to spit in the burger. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like, why do I have to do fucking maths when I buy a fucking packet of chips? Oh, man.

When I was in Hawaii in 2019, that fucking, that drove me insane. Because it's like, you look at it and it's already like, oh, well, you know, pretty expensive. But, you know, it's a restaurant on the beach. Like, what do you do? And then, because you're thinking, even just like if you were having that in Australian dollars, you're like, fuck. Oh, fuck, that's so expensive. Yeah. And you're just like, oh, tax at the end.

Oh, and a tip. Jesus Christ. Yeah. But anyway, thanks. Oh, fuck. That's so expensive. And then it's like, oh, tax at the end. Oh, and a tip. Jesus Christ. But anyway, thanks. Oh, thanks, Rashad Fuller. Thanks, Rashad. That's what you get out of having Fuller for a surname. Yep. Fuller's Bakery.

Please, if you're ever in Maryborough in 983, go and grab a loaf. Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber. Okay. Well, this will be... Uh-oh. Here we go. This is a bit earlier. I know.

Thank you very much to subscribers. Sarah BMNT. Let's just say that because that's a... She's just given her name as Sarah and then her email address has the initials BMNT in it. So let's say that. That's who you are. Sarah BMNT. Sarah Beanage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

Baby Mutant Ninja Turtles. Baby Mutant Ninja Turtles. Wow, the prequel. Before they, yeah, I mean, in the little intro, I think, there's like some, yeah, there's some form of media where you see them as little baby turtles. Aren't they like, yeah, I mean, they're teenage, yeah. So there's baby ones.

So we're just, now that we've got her here, we're just missing out on, say, 10 years or so. Yeah, the origin is like they've rolled around in some little goop or something, right? Right. And then that gave them their powers. They don't really have powers, other than being anthropomorphic.

Yes, yeah. Oh, I mean, because they just learnt kung fu. They didn't get those... They didn't get, like, special Kung Fu powers. But what would you call the ability to be able to learn that sort of stuff? Because they didn't... You know, you can't... You could...

Right now, you couldn't get a turtle and teach it Kung Fu. No, but I mean, so their gift, their kind of... Their superpower that they got from the toxic ooze... Yes. ...was just the ability to be a person and learn something if you want, but also be a burnout and a fuck-up and squander that opportunity. So there's an alternate world where they're just stoners and they're like, ah, you know, I could have learned karate, but not for me.

Also, they're teenage turtles. I don't know if anyone's ever brought this up. They live to fucking 200 or something, don't know if anyone's ever brought this up don't like you know they they live to fucking 200 or something don't they so are they teenagers as in our form of teenagers like they're really about yeah 60 or are they legitimately like 13 year old they are 13 year old turtles because like you it's barely worth having a term for teenagers in terms of turtles fuck man i wonder if this was like the harold holt pool of pool of doing stand-up in the early 80s when that show was kicking off. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Y'all see these ninja turtles? Yeah. Just like... I mean, what's the deal? I mean, I don't see a lot of, you know, erections. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. They're not fighting. Splinter coming in and, you know, it's time for today's karate lesson

and there's just fucking wadded up tissues all over the little sewer. They're just constantly jerking off over April Adams or whatever her name is. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's why they love pizza because they, you know, they're horny. They're watching pornos and they're thinking like, oh, man, this is going to be awesome. We're going to fuck the pizza guy. Yes.

Teenage Mutant Gay Turtles as well. Yeah, yeah. Right. We're going to fuck the pizza guy. Yes. Teenage Mutant Gay Turtles as well. Yeah. Right. Okay. You know what I think the biggest indictment of any country is? The fact that in the UK it was called Teenage Mutant Hero Turtles. They were too. The population of the UK.

They were too. Oh, they'll get scared. Yeah. They'll get scared if they hear about ninjas. What a truly pathetic country. Was that the reason why? Or was it like a maybe try not to be culturally offensive or something? Or was it just literally kids will get scared of ninjas? I think it was that that was too much of a...

Yeah, I believe that's what I've read about it online. Wow. Is that it was too extreme of a term. Like it's going to inspire too much violence or whatever. That's it. Fuck the left. I'm with Ricky Gervais from now on. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's turned me. Yeah, the great man. Yeah. They should bring back the Ninja Turtles and have Ricky Gervais as a villain in it. Not playing one. Just literally him. And it's not even like a, oh, I see what they've done here. They've got a big pig and it kind of looks and sounds like Gervais.

Yeah, yeah. No, it's just literally Ricky Gervais. It's just, he's straight up. Voiced by him? No, no. Oh, it's someone even like a, oh, I see what they've done here. They've got a big pig and it kind of looks and sounds like Gervais. Yeah, yeah. No, it's just literally Ricky Gervais. It's just, he's Shredder. Voiced by him? No, no. Oh, it's someone doing an impression. Right. Or maybe that would be cool if they could trick him into doing the voice.

Right. But instead of Shredder, it's just Gervais. And his evil plot this week is he's putting on a stand-up gig. We've got to stop him. Oh, where does he do the stand-up gig? In Grand Theft Auto, does he? He's in, yeah, he is in that game. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Does he do anti-trans stuff in that? What's the gig that he does in there? I don't know. I've never played it, but I think he's, I think it's one of the radio stations that you listen to as you're driving around, has his stand-up on it. I don't know if it's like an actual gig that you go and watch him do. That would be great if they came out, if that came out now

and he's doing stand-up in it, and that's everyone's issue. He's rotting stand-up rather than it's giving out a bad message rather than you know the people going around shooting people in the face yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah that's actually worse i think it would be good like when you said is there anti-trans stuff in it that would be a good stipulation if you're like i'm going to license some of my stand-up to this game but every time i i don't you know who you don't really want too much of your old stuff out there in perpetuity. You get a bit embarrassed

when this stuff goes on. So he's like, it has to... Because you can always pull it down from YouTube if it gets problematic. Totally. And licenses run out

with Netflix and stuff like that. But if your deal with Grand Theft Auto was every time I release some new material, you have to patch this game in so that when you're driving around, it's just got the most current... It's only no no matter when someone is playing this it's always

my most current material that would actually be good if you just thought of an idea and went oh like especially you know maybe in lockdown maybe not well you're like fuck i just i want to try out some new gear yeah but i don't want to go down to the local fucking laughter pit yeah fire up the polygons fire up the polygons i'm gonna hop up at grand theft auto and try it out honestly that would fucking rule that's like that's genuinely a fucking great idea if you had an open world video game where there's a comedy club in it and it's like it changes all the time yeah and it's like in the game you walk in and you never know imagine it going around it's It's like, oh, man, you've got to get on Fortnite this afternoon and go to that little hut and Kevin Hart's in there doing you.

You're like, oh, fuck, that's awesome. Man, you'll never guess. I was just playing Grand Theft Auto. I just shot some cunt in the face and there was a special drop-in. Unenhoused. Yeah, that would be, that's a fucking great idea. Because Fortnite especially especially they're doing lots of little concerts and art and he starts doing this anti-trans stuff and so i

shot that cunt in the head as well yeah if you've got the ability to just like yeah go off shoot up the comedy club yeah yeah there was an ariana grande concert in fortnight where it was like he kind of ran around and watch her do a gig and then it sort of like at the end of it it looked like it was going to just put you into the game. And there was this big thing of, like, wait, they're not going to, now that Ariana's done with the concert, they're not going to have us just run around and shoot each other. I mean, that's so tasteless, given what she's gone through.

That would be, but no, it just, like, booted you out of the game. It was like, you'd like to think that they were like, oh yeah, so then when they're pitching it to it, so then yeah, people just run around and do the shooting game just after the concert. You've got to be fucking kidding. We cannot have that happen. Well, Sarah BMNT, that's you.

That is you. What we just said. Thanks, Sarah. Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber number three for this week. Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber number three for this week. Thank you very much to Nicola Spalding. Nicola Spalding. Spalding.

S-P-A-L-D-I-N-G. Like the basketball, tennis, sporting gear brand name. I kind of thought the way you said it, it sounded like Nicola's balding. It's like, oof. That's awful. No. You thought the way you said it it sounded like Nicholas Balding. It's like, oof. That's awful. No. You'd hope that you were

Nikolai's Balding. If you had You poor Russian cunt. If you had the surname Balding you would just be you would be so I mean most men are but you would be so

on edge about any sign of thinning. It's like, I cannot have this happen with this name. What's the is there a surname? I mean, have we bred out any, all the surnames that are like that already? I mean, who's, what's the, I mean, we do get some non-complementary names come in here.

Yeah. But you mean what? Is there like a Johnny Erectile Dysfunction? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Is there something existing out there that's like, I mean, there are some names where you go... Look, we've had plenty of history. We've had plenty of time to get rid of this name. We've had enough history, if you ask me.

Yeah, yeah. Wrap it up. We've had generations... Like, there's certain names like, you know... What? I mean... There must be people like, you know, Softwood. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Things like that. Yeah, yeah. That are like... Well, you go... Okay, look, sure. You want to run around with the name Softwood. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Things like that that are like... Well, you go, okay, look, sure. You want to run around with the name Softwood or whatever. Mm-hmm. But then what are the odds that your kid and their kid and their kid are all going to go, yep, all good.

No worries. Yep, I love it. Yeah. I mean, fuck. There's so many times where someone needs to stand up and just go, that's it, let's get rid. You think that, fuck, there's so many names where someone needs to stand up and just go, that's it, let's get rid. You think that, yeah, but that assumes it's like you've got a generation of kids that have all got the name Softwood. And they all have to make that decision.

They all have to be like, hey, I still want people to know we're brothers, so let's all change our name to the same thing. Yes. Well, I mean, not all on the same day or anything. I mean, I'm not against that idea. I think that's a good idea as well. If everyone just got in a Facebook group and gone, well, we all know why we're here. This name fucking sucks. Time to get rid of this.

Yeah. Let's all do it together. Yeah. Do you want to all have the new name? Yep. All share the new name? Yep. So we've still got this link between us all?

We're still brothers. And we're all vaguely or directly related? God, imagine that. A fucking round table with a family having to agree on between us all. We're still brothers. And we're all vaguely or directly related. God, imagine that. A fucking round table with a family having to agree on a new name. What a fucking nightmare. Just having a fucking, yeah, having people from across the world that have all grown up with one name going, let's all agree on one name. Oh, so everyone on the family.

So you're doing like an Ancestry.com thing. Yes. Yes. Purely to track people down and be like, brother, let's be real here. I know we've never met and we're like, you know, four branches removed on the family tree. Yes. But you must hate getting around like this. They're like, absolutely.

I've been waiting for this call. I'm Googling worst surname ever. Oh, great. This is going to be good. Yeah. I bet it's, I mean, truly the worst surname ever would be one that we can't read out on the air. That being your name is like yeah is it a bit of that no it's still it's it's it's just fucking well number one this is very dumb yep where is it worse soon worst names ever someone called sam sung that's not that bad oh that's funny. I wouldn't have said

that. I wouldn't hate that. I'd go by Samuel. Yeah. I'd get, you know, I wouldn't I mean, if people figure it out, then good for them. Then I'd entertain it. I'd be like, yeah, yeah, mate, I'm a telly. But I wouldn't be, you know, I wouldn't be making it that easy for them. I'd be using the middle name too.

Samuel Howard Sung. Yeah. And, yeah. Alright, here we too. Samuel Howard Sung. Yeah. All right, here we go. Here's some proper ones. Arseman. They're just doing it alphabetically. Arseman. Beaver.

See, there you go. If you have the surname Beaver. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Surely you can come together and go, let's get rid of this. Boob is an Indian surname. Okay. Yeah. Bottom. Just straight up the surname Bottom. Yeah. get rid of this yeah uh boob is an indian surname okay yeah bottom just straight up the surname bottom yeah i'd be keeping that yeah i'd be running with it i mean

i mean i feel like by the time you're of an age where you can change the name you'd just be like well i've probably weathered the worst here's. Here's the one I was trying to think of. Coburn. Of course, spelt Cockburn. Yeah, and someone's... I mean, they've changed it without changing it. Somewhere along the line has gone. We've got to look. Changing the name, maybe it doesn't exist at this point in history.

It's like, well, we've got to just take matters into our own hands. The paperwork is too much to do. So they've gone, you know what? Let's just somehow Jedi mind trick the world into thinking it's pronounced like this. There's nothing backing it up. Yeah, people don't believe it. You know, people who are just like, no, I don't. You know, your lineage is your lineage and I don't want to run from that.

But I just cannot handle this. But you're right. Coburn is a fucking... It's a massive cop-out. It's a real cop-out. It's fucking dumb. It's a massive cop-out. It's a real cop-out. It's fucking dumb. It really is. It's treating us all like idiots.

It really is because it really only assumes that like, you're still having to deal with people look at it on a page and see it and be like, oh, Cockburn. Yeah. And by going, oh no, it's pronounced Cockburn. It's like they've already said it. They've seen it. They know what it is.

Why bother correcting them? Yeah. Just lie in your bed. Yeah. Yeah. Because you set yourself up for a life of no it's actually pronounced like this yeah you you're gonna say that more than the words mum or dad or anything you're just saying that and it's not

even your fault it's not even you going you you know you covering up some mistake you made it's fucking something you're fucking great great great-great-grandfather made. Like, fuck, man. Just fucking own up to it back then. Just cop it. Yeah. Yeah. Well, thanks, Nicola Spalding. Thanks, Nicola. Thanks, Nicola Cockburn Spalding.

Thank you very much to you, Patreon subscriber. Thank you, too. Adam Fenton. Fenton? F? F-E-N-T. I fucking love that. Have you seen that video?

F-E-N-T-O-N. Sorry. Have you seen that video of the dog Fenton? It's like an old viral video. I don't know what that is. It's in like a park somewhere in Britain. And there's like a bunch of deer just kind of walking around gracefully. And then they all start scattering.

And you see the dog just like hooning towards them and you hear this like kind of tough old man in the background being like fenton fenton and it's his dog that he's chasing after and he's just causing absolute chaos and it's just there's a lot to love about it just like a fat old british man being owned by his dog like no control over it and just, what a fucked name for a dog. Yeah. Fenton. It's such a, like a British, like rural old man being like, this is great. I've got a dog called Fenton.

I don't mind it. It's, it's, yeah, it's, I don't know. It's, it's, it's, it's not a usual dog name, so I don't mind it in that way. Yeah. It's a good, I encourage everyone. It's a better dog name than it is I don't mind it in that way. Yeah. It's a good... I encourage everyone... It's a better dog name than it is a person name. For sure, yeah. If you haven't heard it, if you haven't seen the video, look up Fenton on YouTube.

I'm looking up this guy. It's a fucking real treat. I'm looking up this guy on Facebook, and he's giving me very fucking little. Even down to his intro on Facebook that just says, Just some guy who does things at times. Thanks, mate. School of hard knocks. No fucking help at all.

Got nothing for you. Just your very average white male. You know, a bit of facial hair. Give me a look. Not much. Oh, yeah, okay. Not much to play with. He looks like a nice guy, though.

Yeah, he's fine. He's okay. He looks all right. I wish he was sort of more of a cunt or something. Something to fucking play with. A bit more to play with He looks like a nice guy though Yeah he's fine He's okay He looks alright I wish he was sort of More of a cunt or Something Something to fucking play with Bit more to work with

Yeah Something to do He's wearing a t-shirt in that photo That said hail Satan Oh that's naughty That's pretty cool Yeah Fucking

That's You know what that is That's fucking metal dude That's That's hell metal I'm not cool with that That's He's the bad one

Probably drinks like fucking Goat's blood and shit He's the He's the bad one. Probably drinks like fucking goat's blood and shit. He's the bad one. Throw a few horns up. He is a nice pick of him. Him having a beer with the boys with no shirts on, that's nice. Oh, there we go, the fellas. Which one's Fenton?

I think... Is that him on the right, the last one without a shirt on? I think that's him with the big fucking heaps of cans stuck together. Yeah, that's what it... The last one on the right before the shirt. I think that's him with the big fucking heaps of cans stuck together. Yeah, that's what it... The guy... The last one along the right. Human centipede style. Before the shirt.

Before one man not quite as confident in his rig wearing a shirt. Yeah, yeah. God, to be a fly on that wall, hey? Must have been some epic banter that night. I'll tell you what. Few Simpsons quotes chucked around, you know? What else we got? got nah that's about it few fucking

few fucking would you rathers oh that's good I do like that would you rather suck off your dad or or your brother

or yeah or me your brother's shit now right now yeah hypothetically

but if you say me you have to do it yeah yeah well Fanta you're looking Yeah, hypothetically, but if you say me, you have to do it. Yeah. Well, Fanta, you're looking... Look, the recent picture of you, you're in good shape. You look good, I reckon. Good on you, Fanta.

Good on you, Fanta. Always good to have not a late 30s fat cunt into it. Yeah. Makes a nice little change. Nice to... Always good to hear the younger generation getting into this podcast Tommy yeah it's true because you know your fans grow older with you you you know you go and see a band and and uh and the band or you know the audience just fuck if I go and see like Elvis Costello whoever it is oh yeah for sure it's like oh my god there's

no there's no new fans getting into it it's a. It's one of the few things of the reminder. It's like I think people perpetually, when you picture yourself in your mind's eye, your image of yourself is you in your early to mid-20s, right? And then it's like, oh, cool, this band, I'm reliving the old days. And then you go to the gig and it's like, oh, I'm not reliving the old days at all. It's me and a bunch of other people who it's a seated gig because none of us can stand for an hour and a half now yeah this is

fucking brutal also i'm pretty sure this band used to go on at about 11 o'clock at night and now they're starting at seven yeah i was gonna a group of us i was just in brisbane and we were gonna go see uh regurgitate it we're playing while we were there and we were like oh that'll be awesome wrap up the gigs head down and see the gorge fuck that'll be he we were there. And we were like, oh, that'll be awesome. Wrap up the gigs, head down and see the Gurg. Fuck, that'll be heaps of fun. And then it was like the time they got on, it was like, fuck, we'll be battling to make it there with our gigs that finish at 9.30.

Yeah. And the Gurg, the Gurg have gone full stand-up comedy style where they're still doing their own stuff, but then they're doing a bit of a kid show as well. They are, yeah. They've got a little, I mean, they're separate things. The kid show isn't like whacked in as part of it yes but yeah they got a little kids they got a little kids touring thing yeah which sounds cool by all reports it's uh it's good fun yeah sure and you know it's up for it's uh like me personally i

would prefer taking my kid to something like that than the wiggles absolutely yeah yeah yeah it's uh some canny marketing maybe we can do that maybe we're not too far away from doing a dumb dumb mums and bubs session what do they call the matinee sessions they do the the crying baby the cry baby baby session yeah yeah let's do it let's do a drunk cast cry baby session 11 a.m tuesday morning yep Just us getting off our fucking heads. At the Tankerville in Fitzroy. So it's also people that just haven't gone to bed yet. Yeah, and just getting crowd surfed by mums that are like carrying their babies.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. They're breastfeeding still. Yeah, just kicking some infants in the head. Yeah, that'd be cool. Thanks, Adam Fenton. Thanks, Finto. Let's just do one more. All right.

We've got to do a couple of bonuses after this, so you'll be able to hear them pretty soon. For you people, especially that we've just read out, you'll get these hot out of the oven very soon. Maybe this will inspire or do the opposite to some subscribers. Some people being like, oh, they're doing a couple after this. They're in red-hot form. Or being like, this is a bit of a weak talk and dum-dum.

I don't know that I need to hear half an hour of content from the same session. I promise I'll perk up in five minutes. The boys don't have it this afternoon.

I'm a little bit tired. I'll miss this week. We're doing good. I've done a big drive today. We've got a third person coming in.

Yeah, that's it. That's why I had that beer fucking kickstart. Oh, yeah, yeah. Maybe I should have I might have another one, actually. Oh, fucking hell.

We got, you know. I might have a Coke. Oh, yes. I'll tell you what, I'm busting for something to fucking kickstart. Oh, yeah, yeah. Maybe I should have one. I might have another one, actually. Oh, fucking hell. Well, we got, you know. I might have a Coke. Oh, yes. I'll tell you what, I'm busting for something to eat after this. Oh, yeah. Yeah, I should eat at some point, too. Yeah. I'll eat at the thing that I'm going to, which I'm going to talk about probably on that bonus episode.

Oh, wow. That's a little, again, little sizzle. Can't wait. Yeah. All right, let's just do one more and get into this because I guess I'll be turning up very soon. Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber. Oh, okay. This is interesting.

Yep. Thank you to the Teenage Mutant Comedy Turtles. Okay. Yeah. So what was it called in the UK though? Teenage Mutant Not Drama Turtles. Oh, yes. Piss week.

Yeah. Just say the C bomb. Fuck it. Say the C word. Your weak little population can handle it. That's the thing everyone says about Australia. We love the C word overomb. Fuck it. Say the C-word. Your weak little population can handle it. That's the thing everyone says about Australia. We love the C-word over here. We absolutely do.

And we say it in an endearing word. Everyone else in the world thinks comedy is an absolute harsh, the worst word in the world. It's bad. Yeah, well, they're used to it being like Ricky Gervais and stuff like that. But over here, it's like... Over here, we just say it to... That's another word for mate.

We say, hey, comedy. Hey, comedy. And no one gets offended by that. Ah, you're a bloody good comedy yeah yeah they love it down there in Australia yeah

it is funny when you see Americans come out here and just be like fuck yeah the promised land right you know what I mean

just American comics just blasting it on stage because they can yeah but still having a bit of like yeah just a minor reaction to it of like fuck

and then just go oh can we say the n-word as well no no oh you know what you'll like I mean we should I shouldn't waste this here Just a minor reaction to it of like, fuck. And then just go, oh, can we say the N-word as well? No, no, no. Oh, you know what you'll like? I mean, I shouldn't waste this here, but I think you'll particularly like this. Okay. I met someone the other day who was working on Hey Hey live as the Jackson Jive came out on stage.

Oh, my God. And just went, oh, no. Yes, yes, yes. I want to hear everything about this. Maybe we'll talk about it on another ep. Maybe we should do it in one of these bonuses. Maybe. Whatever.

Maybe it's too good for that. Who knows? Thanks for the people who passed. Yeah, maybe. All right, maybe we'll talk about it. Thanks for supporting the show, everyone who is on the Patreon. Thank you for listening, and we will see you next time. See you, mate.

See you, mate.