The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - 615 - Live! Akmal Saleh, Brett Blake & Andrew Wolfe

Episode Date: July 20, 2022

Almost two years after tickets went on sale and after many false starts, we’ve finally made it to PERTH for a huge live show! Tommy’s had a stressful week of gigs, Chandler’s been up to his old tricks in Thailand, BRETT BLAKE reminisces about his wild early share-houses in the suburbs of Perth, we find out about AKMAL’s big break, and we spend ages begging ANDREW WOLFE to tell us a story! PERTH COMEDY. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Today on the Little Dumb Dumb Club, a brand new episode recorded live in Perth with guests Brett, Blake, Akmal Saleh and Andrew Wolfe. Lots of fun in this one. Nothing to really plug up the top now, is there? No, Patreon. Get onto our Patreon and we'll talk about all that. And once you enjoy the Perth episode, we'll maybe tie up a few loose ends at the end. Okay, enjoy this live from Perth

and we'll see you at the end in Talking Dumb Dumb. Hey, mates. Welcome once again to the Little Dumb Dumb Club live in Perth. Thank you very much for joining us. My name is Tommy Dassler. I'm with me as always, the other half of the program, Carl Chandler.

G'day, dickheads. Okay, I'm starting to feel like the podcast is actually going to happen in Perth this time. I was doubting it. Fuck, have we checked? Should we put a Google alert on lockdown just to make sure this can still go ahead? What if we, like, midway through we get a message,

it's all happening in the next half hour, wherever you are, you need to fucking stay there. Get me out of here! Just three months of podcasting in here, just all of us stuck together. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So anyway, Brett, what have you been doing yesterday in this room that we're in with you? Bold move of you to grab the mic that's been used in the stand-up show just before this podcast by someone who probably has

covid oh fuck is that this one oh well i've lived a good life fuck i tell you what though two years like you know of like the world being crazy and everything and you know people say perth's been like unaffected and whatever. I like that medical term, by the way. The world's gone crazy. I'm talking about political correctness, not the real one. But yeah, people think Perth's been unaffected, they wouldn't have changed.

I've got to say, this is the first live podcast we've ever done in Perth where I haven't been offered a Dexie before the gig. You guys, something really has happened over here. You have changed pretty dramatically. Come on, cunts. Get to the game. We just start getting pelted with pills

midway through the gig. I'm sure we talked about this at the time, but there was one live Perth show that we did about six, seven years ago by someone who... Because over the years, we sort of recognise people that listen to the show, people get really full on and contact us.

And then all of a sudden, some people just drift off and you go, fuck, whatever happened to that absolute fucking nutbag? The supernovas we call them, they burn fucking really bright and then they're just gone. Yeah, yeah, so there was one in Perth that used to come every time and get really full on. You recorded a CD, I think, that's how long ago it was.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I recorded an 8-track. Yeah, she sat up the front and just ate twisties into the microphone. And there was like an audience mic here, and she's like fucking opening a bag of thins into the... And I'm like, can you please not do that? Because I'm recording this. And then she comes up at the end, she's crying.

She's like, you bullied me in the gig. Yeah, she said that to you, but then she came up to me after the gig and went, want to come party with me? And I'm like, no, not really. And she goes, come with me, we're going to my friend's house. He's the second biggest speed dealer in Perth. I'm like, that's cool, but like, what the fuck would I

know? Just go with number one. I'm not going to check on it. You're like, I host a podcast, I could meet the number one biggest speed dealer if I really fucking wanted to. So I've been here for a couple of days doing gigs and stuff, and I was walking into the show last night, and it's like, you know, we're coming home from Melbourne.

It's like brutal winter over there at the moment. I'm walking to the gig just dressed like this, just like short-sleeved shirt. Just like, oh, how good is this? Just like a bit of a warm evening. I get to the gig, and like the heat is on. There's like cunts sitting around a fireplace. Like, you fucking people need to get a grip.

It was 22 degrees outside. Honestly, people, every gig that I've done so far, one of the Perth acts has had material about how fucking freezing it is at the moment. And people were, like, giving it a round of applause. Like, meanwhile, I'm putting, like, coconut oil on before I'm walking out in the street. This is my vacation. I'm loving it.

To be fair, you just did 15 minutes about lockdown to people who weren't in one, so... I have nothing else. You'll sit there and listen to it and you'll fucking like it. This is the closest you're getting to a lockdown right now. Just watching boring

entertainment, nothing else going on. I was trying to recreate the experience for you. No, we're alright. But I did my solo show last night and so my girlfriend's family is from Perth, Doris Rosemount herself. Ah, the ancestors who discovered this pub 300 years ago. Exactly, yeah.

So she didn't come on this trip, and I was kind of, like, I'd said to her, like, oh, I don't know, I was going to text your mum and say, like, she'd try and, like, you know, say hi to her while I'm here or whatever. Oh, full Rove style. Yeah! and say hi to her while I'm here or whatever. Full Rove style. You're right, I come all the way to Perth to ask my girlfriend's mum who she'd turn gay for.

And the answer's Borat, I guess. It was a long time ago. But I was going to message my girlfriend's mum, and she was like, but I didn't know if she had told her mum that I was coming. I didn't want to get her in trouble for, like, not coming over and seeing her mum. And I was telling this to my girlfriend.

She was like, you know what? You should text mum, offer her tickets to your show. She won't take you up on it because she's out in Mandurah. It's, like, a long trip into the city. She's not going to fucking do it. Don't worry. But just you'll get the brownie points. So I'm like, that's worth doing. So I do all that and she writes back and goes, I'd love to come.

So she comes into the gig last night and I'm sweating my ass off because like 90% of the show is about me when I was 13 years old trying to finger someone on a family holiday. Just like the whole fucking, and she's like pretty How is your dad?

Yes, that is Perth comedy. It's pretty loose down there after I got done with him. No, I don't. You've got to watch what you say in this bit because that's a call back for the entire show. Also, if you have the phone number 0435 645 You've got to watch what you say in this bit because then it's like that's a callback for the entire show, you know? Also, if you have the phone number 0435645626, stop ringing me.

So I'm panicked about her seeing this gig because she's pretty conservative, you know, and it's a pretty rude show. But then the show goes good and afterwards I'm sitting backstage and the guy who runs the pub comes in and he goes, oh, there's this woman... because then I'm sweating going, I hope it wasn't too rude for her, I hope she liked the show or whatever. And the guy comes in and he's like, oh, there's this lady downstairs who wanted to speak to you. She says she's your mother-in-law.

Oh. Upgraded. She's proposing? She's proposing to me. I'm like, all right, that's a good sign that she liked it. It's like, all right, this cunt, welcome into the family. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, okay.

Just give me a thumbs up when the story ends or something. No, we are in Perth, or as I call it, halfway to you know where. Bali? No. No. No. No. That's fucked up. How brutal is that? you know where um Bali? no no no that's fucked how brutal is that

that's something weird where that's a heckle Bali fuck you um I did just get back from Koh Samui a little bit of an unfinished

like little bit of the story um because I did talk about a little while back uh that my we booked a whole family holiday to Koh Samui

for a week and then I sneakily booked for two weeks and didn't say anything and then, and talked about it on here, didn't tell my wife at all at any stage and then it got really close to the holiday and then my wife goes, you know what I reckon we deserve a second week

in Koh Samui, how about we change it and I go, nice idea, I'll just change mine right now. But then you've always got to be one ahead, so then you're booking a third week. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right, an extra week it is. Man, honestly, of course I thought about that, yes.

Yeah. I was ready to get in trouble, and now I'm not, so I may as well. Yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly, exactly. So then we got there, and I have to say, you know, there's been a lot of stories on this podcast about me being in lockdown, relatable gear for you guys, but shitting myself

when I'm going for a run and I blamed a lot of it on bread and lockdown. Well, I really can't blame that anymore because Koh Samui did fucking cop it. I... Right. I went for a run and I got halfway and I took a shit by the

side of the road next to a jungle. But stray dogs are looking at you going, get your act together. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's disgusting. Yes. Yeah. It was me like hiding behind a coconut tree shitting myself. It was fucking, it was no good anyway.

So then I was like. God, those bogans that go to Bali are no good, aren't they? We're back, baby. It's another sign we're back. Not like me, the upper crust. Go a little bit further. Yeah, so then honestly, same day, right? So I get back and I don't say anything in my life

and I clean myself up and all that sort of stuff. And so I get back and then we... Can I just say very quickly that phrase? I had to get an ultrasound the other day for some heart stuff. I'm fine. But they cover you in the goop and the guy does all the stuff with me and it takes like an hour. And then he's finished and he's like, okay, we're all done.

And then as he's walking out of the room, he just throws a towel at me and he goes, clean yourself up. I was like, fucking hell. Am I in the right place like am I getting these results what's going on yeah

why did you stick up my ass what was I fucking doing so it's like leave the money on the dresser before I what's fucking going on yeah yeah yeah

so then I went back we were travelling with blanket the whole time my child and so there's no break from it there's no break from it so then we walk past a childcare centre like a Thai childcare centre and we're traveling with blanket the whole time my child and um so there's no break from it there's no break for it so then we walk past the childcare center like a thai childcare center and we're like

fuck what what if we just dump the kid in there for a couple of hours and go and do something else i'm like fuck you know there's like like heaps of toys in there it's like fuck this is going to be awesome let's just do that and then let's just go and get massages so we both went and got a massage and then halfway through the massage i get a phone call and I pick it up and it's this Thai lady saying, your daughter just pissed herself in the ball pit. Oh. No need for a paternity check here.

That is my child. Oh. I thought you were going to say your wife dropped you in the daycare centre so they could change your fucking diaper for you. So if you've ever wondered

how much it costs to clean a ball pit of piss in Thailand, it's $40. That's a good rate. That's why you travel there. That's $300 here. You pay $150 in Perth. Do we want to talk about the fact that there's just currency on the stage?

Someone's chucked nearly enough to clean up a ball pit on stage. There's a lot of Thai baht on stage. Very nice. How much is this? So, one, two, three, four, five hundred, probably like, yeah, around six hundred, six hundred baht. Wow, nearly thirty bucks. Okay. Very nice.

Big spender. That is, are we strippers now? Is that what's happening? So, who's done that and has this so far been as funny as you thought it would be? Yeah. I mean, look, I mean, God knows I don't know what I'll do with that until about two weeks

time, so yeah. But thank you, I will collect that later, so yeah. Should we get our first guest out here? Well, yeah, we've got a great line-up for you today and hey, speaking of fluids and ball pits, let's welcome to the stage our first guest, Brett Blake! That's right.

A man who got sucked off in a ball pit once. Well, I thought that was an in joke, but now it's not. It's an out joke, baby! How good's that? You go to Thailand with your daughter, who's two, and out of three, so out of the two of you, the first person to shit themselves was you.

I don't mind that at all. That's pretty good. What do you think and out of three, so out of the two of you, the first person to shit themselves was you. Yeah. I don't mind that at all. That's pretty good. What do you think you ate to make that hat? Do you have any leads on what you were doing? I think I ate 20... Was it the 14th curry you ate for the day? Yes, yes. Okay, right.

Yeah, nothing special. Just Penang curry after Penang curry. Right. Really diversifying what they think of a Western man. You know what I mean? It's not Penang curry. Right. Really diversifying what they think of a Western man. You know what I mean? It's not a green curry. I think Penang is like an art house curry.

I think it's like sort of mainstream curry. Cool. You've got to get this looked at. Like all jokes aside, this is fucking ridiculous. How long since you had the finger up there? Excluding our pre-show warm-up. Oh, right. They don't do the finger anymore.

We've talked about this, haven't they? They do a blood sample. Whatever. They do a blood sample. I'm sure you're disappointed by the sound of your tone. No, no. Yeah, but that's for like

cancer or something, isn't it? That's not for someone shitting themselves. Well, I mean, something's going on. Okay, someone's... What? Too soon.

Did someone just get fingered there? Yeah, yeah, exactly. Someone just did the test on themselves. That's why Nick's pretending to have cancer so he keeps get fingered there. Yeah, yeah, exactly. Some of them did the test on themselves. That's why Nick's pretending to have cancer, so he keeps getting fingered. Oh, come on. We know it's a scam.

Come on, Doc. Don't hold back. I don't think they've got it all. You've got to keep looking. Go deeper in. Can I get the doctor with the big hands again? Yeah. Does cancer make you stink?

I think I've got it. It's good to shit on someone who's dying. On the other side of the country on death's door. Flying over here. Fuck you, mate.

He's all better. He's living off all your donations. You'll be alright. Yeah. He's all better now. Blakey, Blakey, we're back in your hometown.

Welcome home. Thank you. Thank you. Fuck you, Basil Zemplis. The real king is back, baby. Fucking hell, that guy is a cunt. Anyway, I'm back in Perth and I'm from Forestfield, which we can all agree is a bit of a shithole.

But I didn't realise Perth would get worse until Carl Chandler checked me into the hotel we're staying at. I don't want to say the name, Four Seasons Perth. No, it's not called that. It's called Seasons of Perth. Oh, well, all those seasons must be... That's what got me. I looked at it and went, oh, Four Seasons is not called that.

I did a fucking Brett Blake and I read it wrong. Yeah, what are the four? Meth, Dexys... Dude, there's a homeless guy who lives out the front in a car and then he's got a Tommy Hilfiger shirt on which is quite ironic. Anyway, I'm assuming it's a knock-off from Bali

but it is one of the worst hotels I've ever stayed in. Yeah, it's no good. We went past there. There is a strip club or something over the road. There were girls in skimpies last night but like I don't know no one's buying this

I think there's a strip club or something I have no idea but let's just say Carl Chandler found the most Thai place in Perth

there's a shit bar downstairs there's a homeless guy living out the front and we're right across the road from the Rippers an $8 cocktail so not bad

yeah it's advertised as $8 but, so not bad. Yeah. It's advertised as $8 but they charge you $9. Yes, yes. They couldn't be changing the graphics. That's cool. Yeah, no.

Man, they do... But the girls in the skimpies, so they're just... I haven't seen the whole skimpy experience in WA. Oh.

Mate, I reckon you had a good old look last night. You had like the wolf eyes coming out of your head. Arugula. You know, just to drag you away. What's that across the road? It looks to be some kind of neon light shop.

I might need one for the gig. I'd better go in and just kind of see what they're about, you know. I'm not like that. I'm not like that. I'm a 40 plus man that goes to Thailand all the time, okay? But we walk past the skimpies and they're just in

their own underwear standing on the street. Their own underwear? The gauld? Well, even someone else's. But there's no show about it. They're not bikinis or they're not, you know,

tassels or anything. They're just in their bonds. Tassels? Yeah. You know what I mean? It's not a burlesque show mate you know what I mean they're out there

to try and lure old seedy men like you in there and then when we walk past and we're like oh no

one of them yelled out fuck you yeah yeah yeah no they booed us they booed us they were like boo that is hot

yeah man and my dick was never harder I loved it I was straight over there After this show We should go back And prove them wrong Yeah

I might go down After the gig This hotel is so dodgy It does actually look like A three star hotel in Bali When you get in the reception But the room Like it doesn't have

Anything else But it does offer Like there's only One bit of paperwork there And it says We offer in room massage and I don't know

about you but I'm willing to flip that coin you know what I mean yeah it must be it must be like it's like some hotels are like

we don't have room service but we've got to deal with a pizza place down the road and they'll bring it to you it's like

someone from the strip club comes and they're like yeah yeah yeah you know that girl who just booed you? She's going to come and whack you off. Because opposite us is the Skimpies place

and then a massage place next door. I don't know how I found this Thai concept hotel, but I fucking did it. Oh, fuck. So what are the actual rooms like? Not too bad, but Milan came in today. Here's my problem. I pick this place at random, and then you said, I'll stay wherever you're staying, and then Milan

said, I'll stay wherever you're staying, and every time I pick a hotel, Milan then comes in and goes, oh my god, I'm gonna fucking kill you. Yeah. Because he fucking hates it, but then again, now he's finding out about the girls in underwear, so now he's probably won back. So, yeah. Right, right, right. But also, you've got the worst room in the shittest hotel,

because at least I'm on level four like I'm doing well. But your ground level, opposite the pool slash the homeless guy's bar. No, and next to the public toilets. What? Yes. So the communal toilet where everyone at the bar pisses. Yes, yes. That's next to your room.

Yes. Yeah, that's me. Things are going well for you, aren't they? Yeah. That is... Yeah, it's been a big trip. What I love about... We're here at the Rosemont Hotel and they put some publicity out for us

this morning or last night. What I like about that is they put a little dum-dum club and then the description a national comedy show. I think we are geo-blocked in other countries. Awful things we've said over the years. We're national. National?

Yeah. Technically international. You've done the Coastal Movie Podcast. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You've been around. And also, I don't know if you're here strictly for this show, Tommy, or if you're here a little bit early for the big ethnic comedy show that's coming up. No, I thought that's what this was. Tommy, or if you're here a little bit early for the big ethnic comedy show that's coming up.

No, I thought that's what this was. Oh, right, right. But because it's Perth, it'd just be a bunch of white guys in wigs going, that's amore!

No, that's ethnic in Perth, people from Victoria. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Check out these foreigners. Committing to a stage name. Yeah, I would like to, if I stuck around, yeah, I would like

to come back and try and get on that show. Absolutely. I would like to... If I stuck around, yeah, I would like to come back and try and get on that show. Absolutely. I would like to move somewhere and just rebrand and go, yeah, I'm Italian. I just am. Yeah.

Yeah, six... It says six comedians, six nationalities, one show. How do they do it? Fit it all in one show. What do we think the six are? I mean, white, that's one of them.

You're knocking that off easy. What is it? White? Just white. Is white a nationality? Well, I think... They want to boost the numbers, that's an easy one. That's a gimme.

That's one of them. And then anyone want to venture a guess? But when you say the name of the country, you've also got to do the accent and the eyes. Yeah. And the skin tone if you've got the equipment on you. Italiano. Pardon me?

Italiano. You played the safe bet. What a coward. Come on, mate. you're in Perth. You know you can say it and get a job promotion the next day. Your boss will love it. Oh, he's one of the lads.

Get him in there. Oh, I forgot about the seasons of Perth. Two things. This morning when I got up early to go for a run, there was a guy with dreadlocks. Running away from the world's worst hotel. Yeah, fuck, personal best. Guy in dreadlocks asleep in the foyer at 7am.

So pretty cool hotel. That wasn't just a random guy. That was the receptionist. And he was quite nice and gave me a jazz cigarette. Remember last night we had to sign off on a bond in case we set off any fire extinguishers or fire alarms. Man, the room cost $400 for the three nights, which is pretty dogshit cheap and obviously people go there to root,

but the bond was $380. Yeah, yeah, yeah. How is the bond as much as the room? And then the fire alarm system is $1,300, $800. It's so crazy that they have to make a new rule because people are constantly coming in and going, this place sucks, let's set off a fire alarm for something to do. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I got this room so that I could cheat on my partner and then that didn't happen, so I may as well just set the fire alarm off. I want to have something to do with it. If I'm not going to get a room, let's get everyone out of this hotel. Well, it sounds beautiful. What say we all kick on back there afterwards? Man, $8 cocktails.

$9 cocktails. $8 cocktails that cost Man, $8 cocktails. $9 cocktails. $8 cocktails that cost $9. $8 slash $9 cocktails. Carl will cover the extra $1 for you for the cocktail board. A handsome man in a Tommy Hilfiger shirt having a bath in the pool. It's going to be a great day. All right, let's get our second guest out. Let's get our next guest out here.

Folks, please welcome back into the little Dunlop Club, Ark Ball. Ark Ball! You know, hello, hello. I didn't notice the big ethnic show, but I was standing right underneath that poster. And people were giving me funny looks. I was going to say, brother, you're a month early. Well, I'm not even that big.

I'm five foot five. But I've seen that show. They've got Arab comedians and Israeli comedians. But the Israeli comedians take up most of the stage. It's a really... That is a risky... I actually thought you were going to say half of the show goes off with a bang. No, see? This is where risky... I actually thought you were going to say half of the show goes off with a bang. No, see? This is where being an experienced comedian comes into.

Whereas a low breed like me takes the dirt road. I'll let you do that, yeah. That is a smart joke for a Perth audience. Well done on the bravery there. Well, you know, I can't believe you get this audience. I don't know, what do you... You kept saying that to me backstage. You kept going,

I can't believe you guys keep getting great audiences. You know that sounds like an insult, right? You know, I've worked hard... I've worked my whole career, really. I can't... And you just talk shit. How much do you pay these people? Yeah, I think our mums pay them to make us feel popular.

Yeah. Yeah, that's... That's funny. Thank you, man. I appreciate it. But sadly, there might be some truth in that. Yeah. A room full of laughter would have been a bit better,

but, you know, one of the greats saying that's funny, that'll do. That's worth all of you laughing. That's very good. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm tipping you're in a much better hotel than what we are. We are in the dregs of Perth, which is saying something. But, yeah.

Well, you know. How much are cocktails at up with? I don't do the cocktails. Oh. No, I'm not a cocktail type person. Oh, what sort of person are you, Akmah? I'm more of a cock. Right. Without the tail. No, I'm staying in a pretty average place. It's very noisy

and people got arrested downstairs. No, I was... You're staying in jail? No, no. It jail? No, no. No, no, look. This is the truth. You know when you have something sus in your carry-on and you can't explain it? I've got binoculars. I'm not a pervert,

but that is the implication when they find a bird. Yeah, you can say you're a bird watcher and technically you're not lying. No, no. I had credit. Come on, say it. Say it. You've got your binoculars and then a magazine called Perth's Guide to Nude Beaches.

That's right. Nothing, Sarge. One of the birds I was perving had shat on my bed. I think her name was Amber Heard. Nice. No, no. It's really weird because I had this, it was like a Harvey Norman thing that, you know when you don't have to pay for five years?

And you go, fuck, what are the chances I'm going to be even here in five years? Fucking just buy this shit. And I had $100 extra and I bought these binoculars as I was travelling. What the fuck? And so I'm looking at these people getting arrested, and it was fantastic. How expensive are these binoculars? You didn't put them on a payment plan.

No, they weren't that expensive. Also, you're a TV cunt. Just pay. No, you don't understand. You don't get it. I like how you say, yeah, you don't plan to be around in five years. It's like, I love the idea of someone killing themselves

and then the suicide note going, take that, Harvey Norman. That's right. It's just me. Well, you say, yeah, you don't plan to be around in five years. It's like, I love the idea of someone killing themselves and then the suicide note going, take that, Harvey Norman. That's right. It's just me. Well, you know, like... I'm taking these binoculars to my grave. You know when people were saying, you know, that 2012 was the end of the world? Fuck, man, people went crazy with Harvey Norman.

Yeah, yeah. I'm like, 2013, I'm out of debt. So why did you get the binoculars? Just because you didn't have to pay for them for five years? No, no, because I had an extra $100 credit and I couldn't think of anything else. There's no interest in just getting binoculars for the sake of having binoculars?

Yeah. Just give me $100 worth of mixed electrical goods. You know, if I could take that time, I wouldn't have mentioned the whole binoculars thing. If only you could have seen that far ahead. I wish, yes. I was looking at it in reverse. They weren't that good.

Take that, you big ethnic. Nothing to... Do you know what? This is a really weird thing that I heard the other day. I was talking to a comedian who was in a car trip. You know, notorious comedian car trips, like if they're going out to a rural gig, a three-hour gig. This guy got onto a diatribe about you.

Now, this is the thing that someone, a comedian... Did he mention the binoculars? No. Can we also clarify what is a diatribe for some of the dumber audiences, please? Hey, he made an Israeli joke before. I think they're all right. Yeah, yeah.

So this is what they said. This comedian in New South Wales somewhere was saying, oh, Akmal's had it easy, you know why? You know what his big break was? Yeah. 9-11. Oh, yeah. No, but actually, look, it's a tragic event. A lot yeah. No, but it actually look, you know, it's a tragic

event. A lot of people died, but fuck, my act got really funny. You know, I mean, there's always... You lose some, you know what I mean? Yeah. Exactly. You know, there's always a positive side to everything. I do think it was weird when I watched your DVD and at the end in the special thanks you had Osama in there. I thought that was

strange. Well, he was my supporter. But he did it in hiding. You were like a middle act when the first building went down and then the second building went down and you went to headliner status. That's right, yeah, yeah. Is that actually true?

Well, there is some truth to it. I was doing those crazy suicide bombing jokes and stuff before September 11th and I was getting a little bit... Shut up, listen. Stop laughing, there's a comedian up here. That's the laughter of fear. That's a nervous laugh.

No, but I was getting moderate laughs, you know. I was talking like people blowing themselves up and stuff. Yeah, it's good shit. But it was good shit. And then Osama really helped my career. Yeah. You know? So you were just doing that stuff, there was no, like, real context to it, It was good shit. And then Osama really helped my career. So you were just doing that stuff.

There was no real context to it. And then that happens and people are like, oh, we get it now. Well, there was context, but it wasn't so... It was niche. It was niche, exactly. And then suddenly I went from an ordinary hack comedian to a social commentator. Fuck, man. I love that. This is the ultimate hipster,

you know, like, I was into terrorism before 9-11 and I actually think it got too commercial after that. That's right, yeah.

Every channel at once lost. That's so funny because this guy, this, like, hack comedian was like, oh,

fucking so easy to go, 9-11 happened and he became a fucking great comic and then your answer is, yeah,

fucking good branding. Oh, yeah, no, it's all luck, man. You think I'm, it's not talent. Yeah. All my good looks. Fuck,, no, it's all luck man. You think I'm, it's not talent. Yeah. All my good looks.

Fuck, there must be a point where FBI investigates someone like you going, fuck, maybe he just did this for his career.

Just. Well, you're not the first to suggest that but I've got a perfect alibi. I was at Bankstown Sports Club

when it happened. I was. Exactly, I was there at that time. I had a perfect alibi. But I do have cousins. All right, let's get our final guest out here as well. All right, yeah, we'll just, let's get him out. Folks, please welcome to the stage stage Andrew Wolfe.

Sitting away from everybody. Because you've been coughing all week. You're disgusting. You clearly have COVID. You clearly fucking have COVID. Even COVID doesn't want me, man. Let's be honest. No, no, come on, man. Dude, I've got anxiety every time I walk past these guys.

They're like, fucking fuck off. But people at home, we put Wolfie to the very, very back of the stage. You know, I love this ensemble here because I can honestly say you guys are actually genuine comedians. Because if you look at these people and you can't tell if they're actually comedians or homeless people or just mental patients or homeless people. Or just mental patients.

Judging by the hotel we're staying at, we are funny. That's why you get a comedian. I mean, if we were like four Adam Hills, we wouldn't be getting the laughs. I'm just shocked that Wolfie entered the stage without jumping on this 35 yen or whatever the fuck. Yeah, where's that money? I need that. Put that back in your account. 35 yen? How dare you insult my people? I have binoculars.

I use them to keep in contact with my family. I kind of suspect it. That's how I get custody. Yeah, just look. Yeah, yeah. Imagine if we were like perving on each other with different binoculars. Hey, this is good.

We can both stare. Yeah. Wolf Wolfie when was when was the last time you did a rat because we all did a gig with you last night and you were just fucking wheezing

to be honest I'm not a good reader I'm probably spitting in the wrong end you're doing it all wrong you're gobbling it off you're trying to tickle the balls it's not that time of day mate

it's like a high school exam I can't read all that shit you just fucking spit it should be alright that's right I've got diarrhea that's not that time of day, mate. It's like a high school exam. I can't read all that shit. You just fucking spit. It should be all right. That's right. I've got diarrhea. That's not one of the symptoms, is it?

No, no. It is. It really is. Is it? Yes. Okay, guys. Well, it's a super spreader event. Whatever. You've got to get COVID eventually, guys.

So it's good that you can blame me. I'd be surprised if you have it, because you sound really healthy at the moment. Like, that would be... Yeah, man, I don't know. Who knows? I hope it's more than COVID, because I feel bad. More importantly, how's my money going

that I gave to you about two years ago? Well, man, I saw... Who's this foreign currency on the ground? Let's put that in the account and top it up before we talk numbers. Let's find out what's in the account. Yeah, if you's put that in the account and top it up before we talk numbers let's find out what's in the account if you would add that

to the account your account would then have $30 in it well look Carl I gave you a heap of money

two years three years ago now in the purpose of building it up to buy a bar in Thailand how are we looking

look first off I want to say as you get older no I don't like this answer. If you've had a good one, I would have got the results straight away. Wolfie lives at home with his parents and his wife left him. How do you think his investment went?

Very badly. Dude, I had to stop trading because my parents cut off the internet. I'm sorry. You've gone downhill bad. No, but, you know, in know in life, as you get older, it's about the people you meet and the experience. Money is the root of all evil, and I've helped you learn that. Fuck it.

Whatever. Are you still trading as a broker, by the way? Well, until acid catch up. Heavy on the broke. No, man, man. Can you admit he was up for a period? Do you remember that? Oh, I can admit that.

Yeah, for one day. Was it about a day? You had doubled? You tried really... I think last time we were going to do a podcast, you tried really hard, once you realised you were about to be on the podcast, built it up so that I wouldn't bash you.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then I think you've let it go for the last 18 months. Mate, to be honest, you're the least of my problems. There's bigger clients that are very fucking angry with me. I think one guy's linked to bikeys, so, like, fucking wait till I'm done. Is he the second biggest speed dealer in Perth? Because I think I've met him.

I was meeting most of my clients at after parties, eh? At house parties. So, look, look. To be honest, if anyone's... Let's just say this. If anyone's hiring, I'm looking for a new job, okay, guys? How's everything going? You were telling me last night about you going...

Well, look, you know, all the dumb, dumb people were saying, oh, get into crypto. How did that work out for you guys, hey? Is it going all right now? Has it not tanked the Ponzi scheme that is crypto? We're asking you. You're a stockbroker. We don't fucking know. Oh, well...

I'm finally exposed. No, no, man. You're doing well. You're down a bit. Yeah, I haven't had many updates for quite a while. I've got to say, Wolfie, for where a while. It's not broken loose. I've got to say, Wolfie, for where you're sitting,

your timing is terrible. Look, I think there's a little delay on my mic. As they always say, man, buy the dip. It's time to put more money in. I think you can recover. Look, he's down. You're down 40%. Am I? I haven't had an update in a year.

Yeah. To be honest, I haven't been logging in for a year either. He forgot the password, you know? Dude, I'm getting PTSD looking at it, to be honest. Do you need a top-up? Well, think about the money you've saved on getting a good hotel this trip, Carl. You could just give me that to top up the plans. Oh, yeah, and on cocktails.

Yeah, exactly. Yeah, man, look, if anyone in the crowd wants to get involved in shares, I'm looking for some new clients, guys. So you were telling me last night you went to, I mean, you're obviously doing well because you were telling me about going to Hungry Jack's last night. Yeah, man. The home of comedy. Hey, because you're aware

there was a stock market crash, right? It's not all my fault. Hey, if you're at Scarborough Beach and a wave breaks on everyone, it's not my problem. But yeah, it's not been great. Hungry Jack's, yeah, that was not good. Two weeks ago.

Have you guys tried to get like a burger late at night where you get the last one? And then they fuck you up. They just throw it. It looks like a fucking breakfast burrito. 16 year old. He threw everything in. One of the worst burgers. But then I realised that he had parked out

the front and I let down his tyres. Okay? Guys, he may be shit with investing your money but he will fuck a 15 year old up. Mate, I can win on the small battles. That's a great idea.

I wish you had tyres to let down. I'd fucking do that too. Well, man, you can get my parents' car if you want. I think your parents are the ones that let you down. Thank God we've got a pro up here. Oh, my God. Should we let Wolfie to the front? The energy of this is feeling really funny.

Go for it. He'll be sitting next to you. I'm happy for you to sit next to me. I feel like... It's the Husey saga all over again. I am going to keep my distance. Dude, it was weird energy. I felt like I was in the witness box.

I'm sorry. I did the crime, okay, guys? It somehow got weirder the closer you got to all of us as well. Yeah, yeah. I thought this would I'm sorry. I did the crime, okay guys? It somehow got weirder the closer you got to all of us as well. Yeah, yeah. I thought this would fix it. Your eyes got glassier.

But you know you're sick when your lips are getting dry, hey. Can you see it? They're sticking together. You were trying to convince us that you weren't sick last night. I'd seen you at a gig

the night before. You did a three and a half minute set and you came off and you were sweatier than I've ever seen anyone. You were fucking cringed. Dude, I'm in dire

need for money. I've got to buy nappies, motherfucker. I've got to do what I can. Bro, what about seven and nine? Are the nappies for you? Yeah, yeah. Seven's not too old for nappies, are they? We haven't really trained these kids, I don't know.

You can't read either. Lots of problems. Um, Blakey. Speaking of can't read, Blakey. Yeah, I got that one, can't. Blakey, enjoying your beer there? Hope you're having a good dry July at the moment. Let me grab a sip.

You're all signed up for dry July, aren't you? I'm signed up for dry July, but moment? Let me grab a sip, man. You're all signed up for dry July, aren't you? I'm signed up for dry July, but some beautiful people, Blandy right there, paid for me to have a weekend off. Okay. So people buy you

a day off so you can have beers if they buy you a day. Yes. Are you currently, has someone bought you 30 days so far? Yes.

And that guy was Brett Blake. I bought myself to be... No, so someone bought me two days for Saturday and a day for Sunday, but I was like, well, there's two on Saturday, so I'll move to Saturday to Friday now. Now I'm on a bender with that homeless guy

on the fucking shit pool. It is sick. I'm getting massages. I'm loving it. But you are back in Perth. Some sweet stories about living in Perth. You were telling me before where you used to live. Did you live in a share house out of Perth?

Sometimes part of your life is farged and you don't realise until you tell someone the story. But I used to... Yeah, because you were like... You started telling me this story going, is this normal? And I was like, no. So I used to live in this house in Forestfield, 605.

How good's this? Their skate park's called 605 Skates. 58? Yeah, mate. That's $2 million worth of planning gone right there. Government, waste of money. Fuck you, Kalamunda Shire. But I used to live in this house in,

I won't say the street because my friends still live there, but we lived in this house and it was kind of like a halfway home. It was pretty much the hotel, but nicer. No pool. But I was just saying to someone, I said, we lived in this shit house and we had a goat. And he goes, why did you have a goat? And I said, oh, well, we couldn't be fucked mowing the lawn. So we had a goat and he goes, oh why did you have a goat? I said, oh well we couldn't be fucked mowing the lawn.

So we bought a goat. Which seems to me quite logical but most people are like, that's fucking weird. Yeah, where do you even buy a goat? Well we found it. How do you find a goat? At the mower shop. In someone's farm that you definitely didn't steal from?

Anyway, we had Gary the Goat at our house for a while. Not Jimbo's goat. No, no, no. He wasn't franchised. He was his own independent man. His goat's called Gary. He died. Gary.

Was, yeah. There's a comedian called Jimbo who had a goat called Gary. Yeah, we know there's a comedian called Gary the Goat. I've seen the clips. Yeah. He died. Well, that's one win for comedy. Oh, grow up.

The goat did. And his career was better than mine. And then we had a swimming pool at the back of this house. And by the way, we never had a back door. We just didn't have a back door because someone broke it off in a party. Because it's half a house. Yeah, it's half a house. And then we had a...

It's halfway between being a house and a footpath. I've lived in these places. We had a swimming pool that we never maintained and eventually got green. And we thought it would be funny this is 18 year old Brett by the way we thought it would be funny to throw shopping trolleys in there and stuff like that but eventually we got so bored

that we always used to drink at the house that by the time it turned into fresh water the pool we put brim in the pool so we could fish while we were drinking and then so we could fish while we were drinking. Oh, that's good. And then, so we never had a door

and then there was a guy called, I don't want to say, we call him Marcus and there was a, like, on the back of a Hilux you can get like a caravan that attaches to it and we had half of that at the front and one day we just found a guy living out the front there and we just let him live there for like a year

and it's just a fuck place we used to live in I got there's no I don't think there's nothing really funny about it it's just sad you said

as soon as you moved out something happened as soon as you moved out so we had the we had the goat also a dog came into the house one day.

What is this, Noah's Ark? How many animals do you have? And for a year I thought it was... I love Wolfie's logic. Two animals,

Noah's Ark. Well, when you said you had to bring a goat for the grass, I assumed you were going to for the pool,

you were going to bring a dolphin. Get a dolphin in the pool. Oh yeah. Suck the dolphin. To drink all the water. I assumed you were going to, for the pool, you were going to bring a dolphin. Yeah, get a dolphin in the pool. Oh yeah. Suck the dolphin. To drink all the water. Skippy will look after that water, mate. Skippy?

There was a dog in the house for a year and we didn't I thought it was my mate David's dog and he thought it was my dog but it was just a random dog that lived with us for a year and it eventually just fucked off and one day I said, what happened to your dog?

He goes, I thought that was your dog. So this strays there for like a year and then goes, these two are fucking losers. I'm out of here. That is funny that the dog laughed, Dave, before you guys did. Even the dog is, at the time, also I was 18 so I used to live off, I only had a small wage.

This was the same time I did the Liquorland scam, if you remember that. I lived off a barbecue pack from Woolworths, which was $18. I used to buy a carton of EMU export, which was $32. 30 cans for $32. Fucking making money.

Then I used to buy a bottle of Passion Pop to get me through a Sunday. And then I had one other little item. And I used to... Oh oh yeah, I bought a side salad, like a bag of that. And what about lube for the goat? I'm not here to judge you, man.

I love the point in the story, you were like, I don't understand what's funny about this. Anyway, we've got the goat, the pool's full of fish, there's a homeless guy sleeping in a caravan. To me it was quite normal though. When I told someone this story, they're like, this is fucking mental. And the guy who used to live

next door, we called him Fancy and we never knew his name. Fancy? His name was Fancy. Because he lives over the fence? No. Well, you'd think so. So my mate used to have this like, he had an SS that's good every neighbour you ever have

just call them Fancy yeah well it's kind of fucked why we call them Fancy but the so he had a VTSS you and

so hold him fuck off and so he was doing burnouts one day in our street of course what else do you do for entertainment

and then he parked the car and we're like go out and do more burnouts and he parked in the neighbours front lawn and there was this big brick fence across of it and he goes to reverse was like that scene of austin powers instead of reversing he went forward and knocked over this brick wall so we destroyed the neighbor's fence and then we just called him fancy we never replaced it but then one day the story you're trying to get to is well after i left about maybe two or three months later um there were some other interesting characters who lived there

and someone called the cops saying there was a gun and uh fake money at the house right and so one night in the middle of the night the uh at 2 a.m the trg rocked up and they i've never seen a swap film before but I'm only going with my friends. So they broke all the windows which makes no sense to get in because there was no back door they could have just walked in. So in the middle of the night they broke every single window and then dropped down

from the roof and then arrested every single person in the house to try and find a fake gun which didn't exist. What did they do with the goat? He was the one that called the cops. He was on the lease. The funny thing is, the goat ran off, but we couldn't call the council to ask,

hey, have you seen a goat? Because it's illegal to have a goat in a suburban property. So it's just out there. It's great. Cheating on you,ting someone else's grass Yes I can't wait to edit this episode And just like

Listen to all these stories back And just finally take them all in Because god damn There's a lot of details Like I feel like I'm looking at a page In a Where's Wally book Just assaulted by fucking

Information I'm just waiting for one of you cunts To jump in with something funny Because I've had You said tell the story and I go I don't think it's funny it's just my life and Carl's like man people will jump in they'll pepper it with jokes

at any point that would be really good because I am sweating up a storm and I'm fucking struggling I'm sweating more than Wolfie and he's got the fucking rona up here yeah we've caught something off him it might not be the rona I'm like is that the funny one? I don't know.

Funny things could come in if you leave a gap. You've got to leave a gap. Mate, I'm leaving a five-second gap, so I'm sorry your brain doesn't work, you know? No, well, to be fair, the way you told that story last night was, as soon as I moved out of this house, every cunt in there got zip-tied by the cops. I'm like,

that's a good story. Well, alright, Wolfie. Wolfie, I've got a request. Okay. I've been told that you've got a story about now, and I've been told the crowd will recognise this name if I say this. You've got a story about Langtree.

No, no, no. I'm not. What the fuck? Oh, now you're on board, you fuck. How dare you turn on me and Basil Zemplis like this? Dude, I'm trying to get

custody back from my kids. I'm not fucking doing Langtree stories. Why did you say, why did you point at me when you said your kids? What, did your partner work at Langtree's? What? Have you, why did you point at me when you said your kids? What, is your partner working at Langtree?

What? Have you got custody of Wolfie's kids, Akmal? Yes. Good. I see them on the weekend. Wolfie's droplet of sweats is sweating now.

Fucking hell. Yeah, man, it's not ideal. I don't think I can do a Langtree story. What the fuck? Who threw me under the bus? Let's go back to that goat, man. I sooner admit I fucked a goat than mention Langtree,? What the fuck? Who threw me under the bus? Let's go back to that goat, man. I'd sooner admit I fucked a goat than mention Langtree.

Let's be honest. Explain to us what Langtree's is. Carl, I reckon you can explain it. I, um... Jesus Christ. Now, Langtree's is an entertainment venue in Perth. Is that what's happening? Hey, man, after we're hanging out with you today,

we're not going to be able to go outside for a fucking week, so you'd better make this worth our while. It's sort of Tinder for adults. I don't know what it is. Tinder for adults? So you think normal Tinder is for children? Do you want me to prod with a story? I've heard this story.

Apparently, you were recognised by someone. Yeah, but we just... And I'm glad this has taken all the heat off my dog shit story. It's just a late night drinking venue. I don't know what happened. What the fuck? It's a nice bar. Look, we're not the authorities.

Just tell the story. We're not with Asia. What? I feel like I have to give you another story. No, just tell that story. They did. If we don't like the story, we can cut it out. You know, this isn't...

It's not live. Is that the case? Can you get rid of my last 15 minutes? No. This is all a figment of your imagination. Hey, just edit out the crowd. It never happens. Yeah, because honestly, we have big names that come on this pod,

and then they'll ask us afterwards, can you edit out this story? And that's what we do. However, you're not a big name, so let's just leave it in. So. We haven't got it yet. Oh, yeah, sorry. I should have said that in five minutes time. Man, there's

nothing to say. I thought you were going to do the Russell Crowe story. We could have done that. We could have done that, but look, I'll... Did you and Russell Crowe get a rude at Langtree's? Are you not entertained?

Are you not entertained? You do a fine up your arse. Yeah, nice. Um, yeah. Who the fuck told you this? You! You told me last night when you were pissed, you fucking idiot.

Your manager. You literally told me at midnight last night, remind me to tell you the Langtry story on the podcast you fucking idiot you know what triggered his mind off? him being at Langtry's again if every lady at Langtry goes down

from COVID we know who it was someone super spreaded their legs, I think. Dude, what do you mean? I can't go anywhere with this. You know where the story ends. Well, also for all the listeners, Langtree's is an establishment for ladies of the night. For lonely people.

I was going to say ladies of the night. Yeah. And lonely, yeah, Andrew Wolfe. All right, all right. Well, let's all have a quick think for a couple of seconds as to what happened in that story. Okay, we got it. We can write some fan fiction about it when we get home.

Yeah, you fill in the blanks. You fill in the blanks while shooting them. Yeah, man. I know that the problem with not telling the story is they're going to think a lot worse than what actually happened. So tell the story. Tell the story, Andrew.

Let's be honest, this crowd's never respected me. I've been fighting uphill ever since that stand-up shit. They've got a lot in common with your kids. Oh, come on. The kids. No, come on. The kids. No, they're different. They're allowed to be here. Your wife will come

and take the audience as well? Yeah. Come on, man. I'm down a lot of money. Give me a fucking story. Dude, there's actually, there's no story. Well, why don't I tell the story

and just pretend that I know what happened. Yeah, you can do that. So this guy basically... His name's Wolfie, by the way. His name's Wolfie? Is that what your kids call you? My kids don't call me, man.

I mean, I don't have kids, but when I found out you had kids, my first thought was, why didn't you use contraception? As if he could figure it out. Dude, I read the instructions, I got it wrong. It's fucking complicated. Tell the story, come on. No, seriously, there's no story. I've been fucking thrown under the bus.

Carl, you tell it. You heard it at midnight last night. No, all he did was tell me, remind me to tell you the Langtree story. And I go, is this a story about a brothel? And you go, yes. And I'm like, can we actually tell that on the podcast? And you go, yes.

But now he's at a... All I can say, guys, alcohol's a hell of a drug. All right, all right then, Wolfie. What about... Thanks for that. Yeah, bring out a worse story Yeah, alright Oh yeah, you know what Give him some options

You know what Fuck, I do have something worse on you Waving goodbye to my fucking career There you go This'll be good No, this is No, so When we have guests on the podcast

We like to do a bit of research And by that Look on page one of Google on people's names. And, man, I found that there's a website. So, like, you know, Blakey and I, well, there we've, like, very big established comedy agencies. Me and Tommy are not. You are also not.

But you're also weirdly established with some absolute backyard operation online where they've got your bio. That's Stockmaking Fam, isn't it? He's on the Langtry's website. While you're rooting, he gets up there instead of swinging around the pole. He does a tight five. He's in the Hall of Fame for fastest time. Around here, lose five.

Anyway, come on! There is an agency online that I've never heard of that is spruiking your work. And they've got like a 10 page bio on you, and I would like to read all 10 pages right now. Because it is quite a read. So, Andrew Wolfe.

When Andrew Wolfe goes berserk on the stage, you lose all control over your... You guys didn't. You lose all control over your laughter. The charming madman of Australia is an accountant by profession, but don't let that fool you. Because he definitely can't do that job.

By the time he's through with his act, you'll have tears streaking down your cheeks and a big cramp in your stomach. Wolf knows no boundaries when he's on stage. What a great night out that sounds like. Wolf knows no boundaries when he's on stage, except for Langtrys.

So, he takes on the glaring foolishness of life that we take for granted, revealing hilarious aspects with his incisive wit. Don't expect him to go easy. This one here is fearless and unabashed. Is this true so far? Well, I'm liking what I'm hearing. Yes. That was written by your parole officer.

On day release. Yes. That was written by your parole officer. On day releases. Yeah. For all of his abnormal talent fucking hell this young man is still making his mark in the comedy industry

pitched against the big boys he knows he needs to pull something different if he wants to be recognised as a top comedian and that's why he makes it a point to bake his jokes fresh

Oh nice and serve them hot through his rapid fire delivery I've got to say I've heard this before because I fucking wrote it Alright Mrs Fields bake us some fresh ones

Yeah keep going man there's more if I remember No territory No territory is forbidden for Wolf's style of comedy but he makes his phrase into tabooed subjects

in good taste. Langtree. He'll leave you completely awed and yearning for more. Again, the trademark of Langtree's but yeah.

He won't refrain from using profanity or even picking on himself to amuse his audience. A part of his act pertains to his deadbeat accountant co-workers and their funny interactions. That sounds cute. He's a talented actor and he can adopt and change stereotypes and personas with breathless ease. He's funny bone.

How didn't you know my name? I'm fucking killing it. No, I did know your name but I've done a lot of drugs. He's funny bone is active even when he's off stage. Like, yeah, at about midnight last night when he's telling me to fucking tell a story the next day. I told you to do the Russell Crowe story. Oh, we can get to that.

Yeah. As you might have guessed, Wolf's favourite genre is observation. I'm spotting shit, guys. He's not perfect for a gathering of aristocrats. I mean, who is? But, bring

down the hall when it's packed with pedestrians. Holy fuck, how many pages are we in? We need to give this a rest. You should know, you fucking wrote this. I love it that your specialty is pedestrians. Just people that use the fucking footpath

as your home ground. Wolfie, the crowd aren't really responding to this and they could all be in fits of laughter right now if you just told the goddamn

Langtree story. Yes. Guys, sign up to my Patreon and I'll give you the Langtree story. For a comedian who started... There you the lamp trees For a comedian who started There is a story For a comedian who started performing in 2011 He's come a long way

It's because his jokes are so funny They border on lunacy Oh my god The madman For instance Can you guess what his dream job is? He says it's to be the bearer of bad news What the fuck is How are they trying to Who the bearer of bad news.

What the fuck is, how are they trying to sell it? I don't know, how are they trying to sell you? Now that you've read out the synopsis for Joker, can you read our Wolfie's biography? I know who wrote this. This is not a talent agency, this is just like Star Now

or some real shit thing that you can do for free. It sounds like someone who doesn't, English is not their first language, I'll be honest. It is. That doesn't sound great. Someone just said Blakey, fuck you, cunt. As if I would know that many words. Have you got any work off this website?

It's the worst bio I've ever read. To be honest, the bio seemed a bit long. It was my old man. There was a guy in Sydney that wrote it. I think he had a problem with cocaine, if I'm fucking honest. He just rambled. I didn't put that up. I didn't solicit it, guys.

I never went to Langtree's. Everything was fucking wrong. I'm not part of this. What about Russell Crowe? What can you tell us about him? Oh, yeah, maybe I can. We'll do the Russell show the Russell story So you paid Russell Crone

you went Russell Rooted at Langford Okay well whatever I opened for Jim Jefferies you wouldn't know enough to see my act earlier on but it fucking happened but I got to go

into the green room with him and the manager was like Wolf we know you're a fuckhead so whatever you do when the big dogs come in fucking toe the line and be sensible. But I'm an alcoholic, so I didn't fucking heed those words. But Russell Crowe came in.

I met Russell Crowe, guys, and it didn't end well. No. And if you want to hear more, please sign up for my Patreon. No, he came in and I don't know, I was drunk. I thought I was talking to security, but it turns out they were NRL players. It's an easy mistake to make. So anyway, he was there and I think he overheard me saying,

I said, how the fuck was this guy ever the gladiator? He looks like a bin with hair on it. He looks like a fucking farmer. I can't imagine how he overheard you. The loudest man in the room coming from the second loudest man in the room. He looks like Con the Frutera now. It's unbelievable.

And then rather than... Couple of dance. Rather than pay penance, they looked over and I was stealing meat from the platter I'm putting in my jacket. So it's not been a good thing. But anyway, I did get to open... School lunches tomorrow, just an anti-pass. Yeah.

The kids finally didn't have peanut butter sandwiches, which is a big no-no. And what did Russell do? He left. See, that story needed a bit more, right? If he'd punched you or if he'd given you cocaine, that would have made it a better story, I think. You could have made that shit up.

You could have head-butted you. That would have been a story, but he did nothing. Fucking just went nowhere. Yeah, well... Where were you ten minutes ago? I need some help with my story being punched up, brother. What happened with Russell Crowe? That, I thought that was a good enough story.

Whatever, man, you're a star. That was a big deal for me. It's not nothing to do with that. I was just, because, you know, Russell, he's a hothead. Not it. I was going to say, and then he stabbed me in the throat, and then I had to go and support Jim Jefferies, and my blood was coming out of my mouth.

Yeah, that's funny. That would have been a fucking good story. He didn't feel the need to hurt me. I've hurt myself enough. I met Russell Crowe. He saw me stealing meat. The end. What do you mean?

I caught him a bin with hair on it. It's incredible. Yeah, that's funny. It is funny. It's got everything, really, besides the punchline. He didn't expand on it. Let's go back to your stupid goat story.

Where the fuck is that? Yeah, I thought people would jump in on it. If you'd had a goat, if you'd said, like, Russell Crowe walked in with a goat, and then he started meat, then there's something to build on. Man, once we finish workshopping this podcast,

it's going to be fucking sweet. Look, you know what? I'm feeling jealous. I want to tell a story that's going to bomb. Can I do that now? Go, go, go. So, Blakey, you're on dry July. I've been trying to not drink for a little bit

because this is what happened the last time I really got online. I went to Tasmania for the weekend. We were flying back. We had a 9pm flight. Last flight out of Hobart Airport. We're at the airport, flight gets delayed, it's like half an hour after it's meant to take off and then over the speakers they're like,

we need people to volunteer to get off this flight and get on a 6am flight tomorrow and, you know, does anyone want to do that? And, like, obviously no one does. Were there Arabs who said that? Who addressed it? We need people to volunteer to get off the plane. Yeah, I was translating.

Yeah, yeah. So they just say that. No movement happens. My girlfriend goes up to the front of the line, and it's kicking off, because I hadn't said this over the speakers, but they're like, we need 15 of you to volunteer to go off this flight,

or we are not leaving. And all the people are like, well, are you going to cover our transfers to and from the comm and back to the airport? And they're like, no. And so everyone's like, well, are you going to cover our transfers to and from the comm and back to the airport? And they're like, no. And so everyone's like, well, we're not fucking doing it then. We're at the airport for two and a half hours just in this standoff. The bar we're about to close, they're packing up to go home.

People just start going up and they're like, nah, cunt, a pint, thanks. So then they just say, we just get maggot, right? We just get blind because we're like, this flight is never taking off. Finally. He's definitely going to bomb, right? Finally, we get on the plane, right? We're on the plane after two and a half hours. We get on.

The flight crew, when we're on the flight, everyone's like fucked off. We get on and the flight crew are like, sorry about the delay, everyone. Not sure if they told you what was going on at the gate, but we actually had a crew member who was feeling a bit sick. So that's why we've had the delay. Everyone's looking around the flight going like, fucking don't lie to us. So it's like we've been drinking at the airport,

we're drinking on the plane, we land back in Melbourne. I forget that I've driven to the airport and left my car in the long-term car park. Yeah, I've done that. And I'm blind. So now I have to get an Uber back home and get up the next morning. Like my friends I was with are texting

me going like, oh man, work is fucking brutal today after being so drunk. I'm like yeah, the Skybus isn't a fucking trip in the park if you can fucking believe that. So I had to do like the ultimate walk of shame getting on the Skybus with just nothing. Just getting on the Skybus and there's like families with their

bags like all excited to go to Disney World just nothing. Just getting on the sky bus and there's like families with their bags like all excited to go to Disney World and whatever. Just me by myself just using it as an actual form of fucking public transport. I don't know if you've ever gone to the airport for any reason that's not a trip but fuck me it's grim. Like getting the sky bus and then transferring

onto the bus to the long term car park which is like plenty of people have commutes where they have to like change lines and stuff but no one's doing the sky bus to the long-term car park, which is like... Plenty of people have commutes where they have to change lines and stuff, but no-one's doing the Skybus to the fucking long-term car park. And then, yeah, just getting there and fucking having a... That was more of a complaint, really, that. Yeah. But it did what it said on the tin.

It fucking bombed. So there you go. Now we've all had one. I don't know about you, but I'm feeling better about my story. Man, the goat killed. Me and Akmal haven't bombed with the story yet. I think we're... Give it time. We're the last man standing, I think.

Although that got nothing, so maybe I'm out now. You're the champion. You did all your bombing in the stand-up. Give them your Landry story. We just had... What story?

Like, what's the category? Are we talking about flights or goats? Or Russell Crowe with a goat? I don't know. I just had someone on the side of the stage give us a signal of wind this up and I couldn't tell whether they work here or they're just an audience member.

I'll tell you a quick story about being absent-minded and I'm really absent-minded and you're talking about forgetting the fact that you've parked your car. I did a gig in Sydney, in the city, and I parked in this place. It was, like, really expensive, like $24 an hour or something, but I had no choice. I had to park...

Huh? He's trying to say, all right, mate, we've all got shit going on. But it didn't work. And now you're the rest of us four who had stories up on now it's getting weird it's getting weird no but i understand where you're coming from you just forget shit anyway i did the gig i came out and and and i went to the parking place and it was closed because it was like after midnight so i had to ring them for them to come

especially the guy had to wake up out of bed and he said, it's going to cost you $280 for us to open the parking station. And I said, well, I've got no choice. I have to take my car back. And he came in, I waited two hours, he opened the station, I walked in and it was the wrong station. My car was

in a different station. That's it, you know. Uncle, last man standing. Quick in, quick out'm excited. I'm excited. I'm excited. I'm excited. I'm excited. I'm excited. I'm excited. I'm excited. I'm excited. I'm excited. I'm excited. I'm excited. I'm excited. I'm excited. I'm excited. I'm excited. I'm excited. I'm excited. I'm excited. I'm excited. I'm excited. I'm excited. I'm excited.

I'm excited. I'm excited. I'm excited. I'm excited. I'm excited. I'm excited. I'm excited. I'm excited.

I'm excited. I'm excited. I'm excited. I'm excited. I'm excited. I'm excited. I'm excited. I'm excited.

I'm excited. I'm excited. I'm excited. I'm excited. I'm excited. I'm excited. I'm excited. I'm excited.

I'm excited. I'm excited. I'm excited. I'm excited. I'm excited. I'm excited. I'm excited. I'm excited.

I'm excited. I'm excited. I'm excited. I'm excited. I'm excited. I'm excited. I'm excited. I'm excited.

I'm excited. I'm excited. I'm excited. I'm excited. I'm excited. I'm excited. I'm excited. I'm excited. I'm excited. Back in time. Carl, it's now your time to the trial of fire. We have to wrap it up. We've got to get out of here because the people... But we never heard the actual story. I know, but we're not going to hear it because fucking... We'll wait for the police report.

Until midnight tonight. Well, I think we can all agree two years it was worth the wait, guys. Hey, don't worry. Once we get a big laugh, then we'll wrap it up. Okay. 45 minutes later. I know, it's typical comedians, eh? I can't get off until I get a wrap.

We're getting wound up because there's a band coming in here later and I did check their Facebook page and they have a total of 340 likes. So, should be a big show in here. So, we have to get the... There's more people here than there is likes on this cunt's fucking Facebook page. But anyway, we have to get out. So, sorry. Sorry for filling your fucking venue.

So, it was only a matter of time Before you turned on the venue Or the sound guy You motherfuckers How dare you be so mean To the lovely staff That have been nice to you No they are great

I've got another quick story Yeah If you want me to Take as long as you want I don't fucking run this venue No no I'm just remembering Travel Because we travel a lot right

We travel all the time And weird shit happens I had a guy in January I was on my way I think you should stand for this I am standing Okay go Because we travel a lot, right? We travel all the time and weird shit happens. I had a guy in January. I think you should stand for this. I am standing. I don't need a lot of leg room. That's the other thing when they go,

oh, we've upgraded you to the emergency exit row. Enjoy the leg room. Get fucked. I don't need that. I'm happy in the overhead compartment. I've done that too. And then you see some seven foot guy walking down the aisle looking at you like, you can't,

how dare you. That's right, I'm going, I can't touch the front seat. Fucked in. But no, it was the weirdest thing. Weird things do happen

when you travel, I must admit. And I lie a lot. I try to lie, but I'm not good at it. I'm like Amber Heard. Oh, come on. That is an absolutely true story.

I'm not making a word of this up. These couples sit next to me. And as soon as they sit down, we hadn't taken off. And he sits down and he goes, as soon as he goes, you know, mate, how you going? I said, good, thanks. He goes, first time to Tassie? I said, no, I've been there before. He goes, oh, yeah, work or holiday?

I said, work. I'm working at the University of Hobart there. He goes, oh yeah, work or holiday? I said, work. I'm working at the University of Hobart there. He goes, oh yeah, what do you do? If I said comedian, I'm just going to keep going. I don't have the energy. I'll say the most boring thing that comes into my mind. I said, I'm in computers. I'm very unlucky with shit like that, to which he

says, really? That's a coincidence. I'm actually a lecturer in computer science. And my wife is a programmer. I'm like, oh fuck. this is going to be a long flight. And he goes, so can I ask, what are you doing for the university? I went blank. I don't know anything about computers.

All I could think of to say was, well, I'm changing this system over. To which he says, you're changing this system? What system are they using, can I ask? I said, well, they're using the old system. And I'm changing it to the new one. Man, that was a long flight. I'm just not a good liar.

Comedians generally are just shit liars. Aren't they? Why does everyone keep coming back to me? I'm not giving you the message Bro, we want to end the podcast Just tell us how you fucked at Langtree At the end of the gig We're going to finish the gig now

There's merch on sale If you buy a shirt You hear the Wolfie Langtree story Oh yes If you buy a shirt I'll be a holder as well, please When a comedian is reluctant to tell a story You know it's going to be really good

Absolutely How come? You were so happy about this story at midnight last night. You were so rapt. You were like, prompt me. Get me to tell the story. All I can say is I'm a new father, guys. I'm giving it to you.

I don't know what the fuck you're talking about. You're happy to give it to them. You're a new father. It sounds like they've replaced you with the old father. Look at you. This is your new father. Oh, fun. All right, well, we have to finish this show because we have to get replaced by someone who's worse at music

than we are at comedy. Impostor. Which is a big ask. I think we'll have less likes on our page than that band by the end. All right, guys, we've got to wrap it up. Big round of applause. Akmal, Andrew Wolfe, Brett Blake, thanks very much for coming and we'll see you next time.

See you. See you, guys. And they've done it again Oh Yet again in Perth Thank you Perth Thanks to everyone in Perth That came out to the show

Thank you for holding on to your tickets Thanks for the last minute Thanks to everyone involved Thanks to the Rosemount Hotel And their beautiful meals We stuck around for Well we got there early for lunch And that weird thing

Where you get there early to a gig And you sit there and you're eating lunch and talking. And then you gradually feel all the listeners turn up and sit around you as you're sitting there. Just like going, oh, look, there's a guy in a t-shirt. Oh, he's here pretty early. And then all of a sudden, oh, no, we're surrounded by them because it's 15 minutes till showtime. Yes. You had double meals at the pub, though. I did. Did I? Yes. Didn. You had double meals at the pub though. I did.

Did I? Yes. Didn't you get a pizza on the way out? Yeah, I think I, I don't think I ate the whole thing, but yes, I did.

Yes. I couldn't decide what to have for lunch so then I thought I'll get two of them. I'll just stretch it out. Have that for dinner. But no,

Palmer's were excellent. Yeah. So thanks to everyone at the Rosemount. Thanks to everyone at Oasis Comedy Club because we did gigs there as well Give a little shout out because they're our mates

Brendan and Sharky Running a great little operation up there Upstairs at the Brisbane Hotel Yes, we had a lot of fun up there You did your solo up there as well If you're going to go to comedy in Perth regularly Go down to our mates there They're officially endorsed by us

I told the story about my quote-unquote mother-in-law coming to my show and my girlfriend was telling me that her mum had relayed that once she'd said that to the manager of the bar, not our friend but the manager of the actual venue, he brought her and her friend a complimentary glass of champagne

just for being mother-in-law of someone who's performing in his venue. He obviously was trying to get rid of some champagne. Or he likes what he sees. Oh. And he wants to be my new future stepdaddy-in-law. Yeah, okay.

Yeah, sure. Because, yeah, I get the feeling they're not always that generous, those people. Okay, yeah. Well, maybe that was the reason. But in any case, you know, so if you turn up there and tell the guy behind the bar that you're the mother-in-law of someone performing, who knows, you might get a free drink out. Maybe. Well, not who knows. Definitely.

That's obviously what happens every time. That's 100% of my experience. So yeah, give it a crack. So we had fun there. But we were talking about the Rosemount. You know, we finally got there after 18 we were talking about the Rosemount. You know, we finally got there after 18 months or however long this has been on. I did mean to talk about this on the show.

I don't mean to give scraps to this bit. From the King's Table. Yeah. But I was intrigued by – The podcast itself is the King's Table. Yeah. And this is the peasant section. This is the cutting room floor. Yeah.

Yeah. I was intrigued by this that like, you know, say we did the Athenaeum and we saw, you know, we were on the stage of a venue where we had seen bands before. So it's sort of like, oh, cool, we're sort of on that level or, you know, whatever. I went maybe a month or so after we did that show at the Athenaeum and I saw Cruel Intentions the musical.

Oh, well, that's us. And it was very much, yeah, I mean, it's like when you're seeing something at a venue you've performed at, and you can just visualise where they're all sitting backstage, what it actually looks like. It was very funny to me, the idea of these people in these skimpy 90s Cruel Intentions outfits

just in that disgusting green room underneath the stage. You're the Ryan Gosling a couple of months back. Philippe. Oh, Ryan Philippe, that's right. Sorry. Could hear all the teen girls that listen to this going apeshit about that mistake. Yes, I was Reese. And a lot of the...

You know what I got intrigued by in that venue at the Rosemount is that so many cover bands go through there. But then I was like, fuck, is this what's happened? Like because of lockdown everywhere else and Perth was the only place that was open. So they needed to just keep having live music. Did they, I wonder if that created cover bands, like over in Perth. They can't fly anyone in, and they got sick of Perth originals, or there wasn't that many anyway. It's like we are with comedians.

It's like, oh, Perth bands. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, totally. I wonder if that's like, oh, well, we've got two years where no bands can fly in. Let's just make our own version, our Aldi version of those bands. My guess would be that you're right in a sense, but it actually stretches back further than that because a lot of stuff that tours,

that comes out here internationally just won't go to Perth anyway because it's like an extra leg that you've got to tack on. It's like a full day of travel and then a full day back. And you always see bands will come out here and just do sydney melbourne brisbane yeah and that's that so i think you're right in the sense that they've created their own little ecosystem but i think it stretches back further than right but that is funny in and of itself it's like yeah no one's coming here yeah so we just have to have more cover bands yeah because this is literally the only way of seeing them yes when

you put it that way like it is funny that cover bands exist in a city where bands tour all the time like the idea of any cover bands being in melbourne yeah it's like we can get the real deal you know whenever we want well this is what this is and look i probably should have jammed this in the show but i did find it very interesting in that you looked at the cover bands and it's not like the rolling stones or whatever, or the Beatles, or something that you can't get to otherwise. It was just all these weird... Did you make...

I saw a Ripper one that I actually loved the name of. Oh, well, it might be one of the ones I've got here, but we'll see. But for starters, there was big bands, big cover bands, and then there was ones where you go, fuck, this is sort of weird, and then there was ones where you go fuck this is sort of weird because then there'd be original bands playing at that venue

yep and you go fuck the lines are getting blurred here okay because like there was like in terms of like they had a Paramore

cover band okay called Paraless okay very nice that's good yeah yeah

very nice yep because I quite like that bit where like if you have a cover band, you're not only going like a pun or a play on words or whatever, but you're actually letting them know that you're not the real deal. Absolutely.

You have to convey the idea that you're – and that kind of is the perfect one. Yes. Because there's a Kiss cover band called Kissstroya. Yes. Which is sort of – that's doing the opposite of that. Because Kissstroya is almost like a cooler name than Kiss. Yes. Because there's a Kiss cover band called Kiss-troyer. Yes. Which is sort of, that's doing the opposite of that. Because Kiss-troyer is almost like a cooler name than Kiss. Yes. It's like, we're going to destroy Kiss.

Well, there was an album called Destroyer. Right. That's why. But still, I mean, yeah, it's still a bit, I don't know, implication there. It's not letting you know exactly what's going on. Yeah. Yeah. So that is good.

So I like that phenomenon of like a slightly fake. Because it's like Linkin Park cover bands. There's a bunch of bands where I'm like, fuck, does anyone, would anyone go to watch The Real Deal or whatever of these bands? Linkin Dog Park. Oh, yeah. What's worse than a park? Yeah. What's like, what's below a park? Well, they didn't have it.

Linkin Reserve. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's perfect. Linkin Reserve. Linkin Reserve. Because they are the reserves. That's perfect. Yeah, it's double meaning. Yeah. That's perfect Lincoln Reserve because they are the reserves yeah that's perfect

it's double meaning yeah that's perfect there you go Lincoln Reserve that's great because their cover band name was

I think Hybrid Theory which is just the name of one of their albums that's the name of an album I hate that I hate when it's just named after an album or a song

that gives me the shit there you go Lincoln Reserve that's beautiful but then there was like bands like there's the Animals the Charlatans and Helmet that are played there where you go, oh, are these cover bands? No, they're the real ones.

The actual bands? They're the real ones. Okay. Fuck. You must be, there must be confused punters that come there and go, is this the real? And also it must be a little bit depressing when you, Helmet, and you go there and you go, oh, there's, I'm playing just after Paraless. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You know, like, fuck, am I, like, that's how you find out where you are on the dog – you know, in the chain of events. What is the most – like, what's the sort of lowest profile band with a cover band? That's interesting. Well, that's what I was looking at. I mean, look, there's – oh, look, the Stone Roses had one called the Stoned Poses. I guess that works because they're posing. It's all right.

They're posing as... Yeah, that's not bad. It's okay. It's all right. Look, Oasis had a good one. No Oasis. Okay. That works.

Yeah. That works. Now, the one I think you're probably thinking of that you saw the poster of, maybe. I hope. Well, I hope it's not because I hope you've got a better one. I hope we've got a second one, yeah. System of a Down uh no no system of a down under yes yeah good stuff so good that is really good because that's also imagine needing a system of a down cover band yeah well because what's awesome about that is that that's not really doing it sort of is and it isn't doing what we're talking about.

Like they're not going like where the – but it's like, hey, just by saying the where the Australian version, that lets you know. Yes. Where a bitch – where significantly. They're not commenting on the quality. But it also adds to the other flip side of it is that, okay, you can do that style of like saying you're not that band, but here's the band. But then there's the whole tradition of, you know, down the abba experience yeah yeah you know the the blah blah

version down under so i love that system of an up yeah yeah if they had gone the opposite and gone nah fuck it we're better than these guys system of a write down-down. Yeah. What's the one you're thinking of? No, no, that one. Oh, that one. Oh, yeah, so it is. It is the one. I wish I could remember more of the lyrics of their big song. So by being System of a Write-down Under.

Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da. Yeah, yeah. I wish I could remember. Because it's like, are they doing that in an Aussie accent? Wake up. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Why don't you put on a little make-up. Why don't you put on a little makeup? Why don't you put on a little makeup?

I don't think you trust in my self-righteousness. Make yourself. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You'd like to think, I mean, I feel like if the name of the cover band is something that's like that specific and thematic, it's disappointing if that's just a name. So you think it's not, that could easily communicate to people, this isn't just a cover band. Every song of System of a Down has been Australianised. Yeah.

Yeah, right. Because if it was System... A weird Al Yankovic of Australia. Exactly. Right. If it was System of a Down, Down Under. Oh, yeah, under, then you'd go, okay, well, this is just... Right. This just happens to be happening in Australia.

Okay. But the fact that you've changed the name to system of a down under, that to me says, this is now an Australian band. Right. So... Singing in Australian accents. Instead of all Armenian looking people up on stage, they all had very distinctive hair and facial hair and stuff. They all just got the corks on their hats on stage.

Yes, exactly. Don't mind that at all. Pretty good. That is funny. Oh, damn. We could have used that in the show. I know. It was on the list.

We just didn't get to it. We didn't get to it. We're too busy trying to get blood out of a stone with Andrew Wolfe well we'll get to that but very quickly I did because I was planning on talking about it

I did think of well we did think of some names in terms of cover band names I couldn't really think of a dum-dum one so I thought we'd go individually

so here's some of the ones we were thinking of in the green room I thought of one for you oh well hang on I had one ready for you that I think I mean I'll still say it when we get to it.

Okay. But I had definitely written it to play in the room to a live audience. Yes. And I think now sitting in front of you, it's going to play completely differently. Well, when you do your one that we already both know, I think it plays differently. Yeah, absolutely.

We've both heard it. Well, I did think very quickly I did go Brett Fake, the Brett Blake experience. That's good. And fake would have to be spelled wrong as well. Yeah, yeah. Well, let's spell every one of those words wrong. Yeah.

Think of the poster and like the bees ran the wrong way and everything. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sure, sure. Well, I had one for myself. Same, same but different. The Thailand Carl Chandler Tribute Act. Okay, yeah. Sure, sure. Well, I had one for myself. Same, same but different. The Thailand Carl Chandler Tribute Act. Okay.

Yeah. Or unless you want to do yours now. My one for you was Timey Kangaroo Downsport. Oh, yeah. But it's T-H-A-I. And there's also the double meaning there because of what you do over in Thailand with young boys. So, again, in the room, you know, that was just a bit of pandering to the audience of what they want to hear.

No, I can appreciate that. But now just the two of us in my living room just staring into your eyes and saying that plays completely differently. I guess raping young boys is fun. You know, that's universal. Just fun chat on a Tuesday morning. I can cop that.

I can imagine people back home appreciating that. So for the show, I'm fine. Look, go down to the Rosemount now, guys. Put your AirPods in and just stand in that room and listen to it. I can imagine people back home appreciating that. So for the show, I'm fine. Look, go down to the Rosemount now, guys. Put your AirPods in and just stand in that room and listen to it. You know, just soak up the vibe that I was going for. Yes. Talk Like an Egyptian, the Australian Akmal show.

Not too bad. Not too bad at all. That's good. Yeah. And then your suggestion, which was Tiny Cancer, the Tommy Dasso slash Elton John combo show. Yes, exactly. I like that these are kind of all over the place stylistically where Bretz is like a play on his name and then a lot of the rest of them are just full sentences.

Please welcome to the stage your next act. Talk like an Egyptian. That's all right. That works. That works. That's great. I might change... I mean, I'm always saying I need another new stage name.

But if I had one that was just like a full lyric from a song. Please welcome to the stage, you know, you would have heard him on the little dum-dum club and filthy casuals, your next act. You're going to love him. Please welcome to the stage, when the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie. The Tommy Daslow experience. The Tommy Daslow experience.

The Tommy Daslow experience, yeah. And it's me doing cover versions of my own material. Yes, you're doing your own material and you're like, and people are like, yeah, this is just yours. It's like, no, no, no, it's a cover. Well, it does feel like that if you dust off an old bit that you haven't done for a long time and you kind of don't remember it. You do get halfway through it and be like,

you remember it killing back in the day and it's like going fine and you're like I just really feel like I'm doing an impression of someone else at the moment well either that

or you know when you do old stuff that's so old that it feels new like sometimes I'll hop up and do ancient gear and you go

oh that felt good that was like oh yeah that's new I was doing a bit of that this weekend yeah I was doing some stuff I hadn't done for probably about three years having having a good time with it yeah i um i thought i'd lost my fucking notebook in perth and uh managed to track it down i left it at a venue

in freemantle oh brutal had to like call them up and be like hey i know this is really annoying but i hosted the show there on thursday i think i left my notebook behind it's like it looks like this and she's like oh i'll go up and have a look. In my head, I'm like, I've lost it. This is so fucked. She gets back on the phone. She's like, yep, got it here. So yeah, we're open today. So just come

in whenever you want, I guess. And I'm at the airport when I make this call. Now, here's the really annoying thing. I'm so sorry about this. Can you post it to me and i'll i'll send you some money for the for all of it and the hassle and everything and so they're doing that for me oh great yeah i did almost think for a moment because you guys were still there and i was like would there be a way of getting it to you and bringing it back i was like but when you i'd rather go

through the hassle of dealing with this venue than have another comedian have access yes fucking notes the fucking nightmare leaving a book behind at a gig and having your peers look through it dealing with this venue than have another comedian have access to my fucking notes. Absolutely. The fucking nightmare leaving a book behind at a gig and having your peers look through it. Yes. I was going to say, yeah,

wouldn't, because one of our friends does run a gig down there. Like, that's where you left it. That's where I left it, yeah. But you couldn't hold on. Well,

I'm going to have to get someone to post it one way or the other, so if the venue's happy to do it. Right. Now, to close up one thing, Andrew Wolfe, you may, I don't know, you may have been annoyed by that story. Story's a strong word.

Like I said on the show, someone who vehemently said he would tell that story at night and then the next day just looked looked at me in shock shocked amazement that i would dare bring something like this up and then he was telling it after the show to me and a listener and it was killing and he was like oh maybe i should have told it hey i'm like you are a fucking nightmare yeah this is worse yeah well let's tell it so what happened wolfie wolfie walked past uh that establishment what's it called again langtree langtree and it was on fire and he raced in and and say and look saved everyone risked smoke inhalation to save everyone in the building to to bring everyone out and um yes i don't know why he didn't want to tell them. Yeah, that is weird.

He's a real hero. I mean, look, I guess the kicker of the story was all the bodies were dead. They were all dead. Oh, right. So the real hero act really was that he went in there and basically sort of ran the business, kept it alive for six months, and was just a male prostitute there for six months and just fucked anyone for money that came in there.

I mean, you remember, Tommy. You remember when you were in there. That was him. That was him? That was him. That was him? Wait, so I fucked him in the story? He sucked your dick.

Oh, that was him. Yeah, that was him. Okay. Yeah, I do remember that. That was that guy. Wait. Yeah. Did you go and get my notebook from Dream Angel?

No, I went and got your dream diary. Yeah, my new bit. Imagine being sucked off by Wolfie. So we got there. So imagine being there live to hear that story, guys. That's what happened. It's a real shame. Wolfie sucked off a lot of people

in a house of ill repute. He's a real hero. Yeah. He saved the business. He saved the charred remains of people, of ladies of the night and admin. But I can understand. I mean, yeah, hearing it again,

like in the sober light of day, I can kind of understand not wanting to tell it because it's like, you know, he's a pretty down-to-earth guy didn't want it to sound like bragging you want someone else to tell it like me just then i think the fact that you were saying like you told this to me last night and asked me to bring it up that just makes him look like he's a real kind of like brag it and wanting the credit and you know he you know he wants to be a bit more modest and be like it wasn't a big deal right anyone would have done the same thing like i'm not a hero and both thing like he sucked

everyone off for like months and months yeah yeah okay you're obviously popular in there you're obviously getting some repeat business in there it's like yeah you don't you don't want to you know really hammer it into the ground yes this is how good I am at sucking off blokes. Yeah, exactly. So I can kind of understand it in that sense. Miraculously, I don't believe that I caught COVID off him. Oh, I think you know who is crook off him? Who? Brett Fake, the Brett Blake experience. Really?

Yeah, I believe he's crook. Okay, has he done a test? I have not heard that. All I heard was I got a text in the morning from him going, I'm fucked and it's thanks to your mate, fucking Wolfie. Fuck that guy. This was the next day? Yes.

The Sunday? Yeah. Okay, interesting. Oh, no, no, sorry, the Monday morning. Oh, okay. Yeah. Yeah, right, interesting. Well, yeah, all the rest of us seem to have avoided it.

Yes. So maybe it's got more to do with the Brett Blake lifestyle. Yeah. Well, also maybe it's to do with the fact that we went out for dinner and he had a very long day, Brett Blake. So I don't know if you can blame it on any illness or just his lifestyle choices because he was off his head. And not as off his head as our friend Milan, but close. So it might be just that hopefully. Perth baby.

We nearly got kicked out of, uh, Rockpool. Thanks to the behavior of some of our, some of the guests of the party. Great. And, uh, just me having to. Some or most? Uh, some. Out of five, there was five of us. Yeah.

I would say mainly Milan with a nice little support from Brett Blake okay but mainly mainly Milan if you've ever dreamed of being out on the tiles with Milan

this was the downside to it just it's hard work it can be very hard work it was very hard work me doing a lot of apologising and explaining to to wait staff

if you if you're someone who has children and you're like, God, I'd love to live that lifestyle of going out with Milan, that would be amazing. But, you know, I can't live a life like that. I'm busy looking after my children.

Yes. I actually don't think you're too far off in your day-to-day life. Yes. Having to do babysitting. Yep. And it would also, like, I'm sure we've talked about this on the show before maybe. Me, you and him went to Rockpool once. Yep.

And there was a lot of colourful language floating around the table. And there was a guy next to us on some sort of anniversary date with his girlfriend. We told the story on an episode with Tom Ballard and Sonia Diorio, I believe. Right. 2019, probably. Right. If you want to go hear it. It had happened like the night before. So if you want to go hear it. It had happened like the night before.

So if you want to go hear us tell it, hot off the presses. But yeah, we nearly got bashed. Yeah. Well, I think mainly you nearly got bashed because I think for whatever reason, the guy came over and just decided you were the one he was going to take on. Right. And then it was, I don't think I even knew what was going on, but Milan was doing a lot of sweet talking that night

and he talked him off the bashing ledge for some reason. Yeah, I think it was, it was funny that it wasn't even the staff. It was just a fellow patron. Yes. Being like, fuck, I've had it with this. Yep. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I think he walked over and sized us all up and went,

I reckon I can take Daslo. All right, I'm going to go him. For some reason, he sent it on you. Yeah, I remember. Yeah, I think I happened to be, like we'd all been being boisterous, but I happened to be in full flight at the moment that he came over.

Right. So I was like, in his head, I was like the culprit of all of it. You dropped the last C-bomb. So it was like, right, we'll start here. I think C-bomb probably would have been preferable given what we were doing. I have a vague memory of what we were doing

and I think Seabomb's probably preferable. It's all rolling back to me now. Speaking of cover bands, there was a bit of song parody work going on at the table, which I think was more the issue than the actual language. Not just the specific words, just the overall tone and vibe. Well, I think all those memories came rolling back to me because that was all happening.

It was very full on coming from Milan and I was trying to get us moved. Milan's such a fucking smooth brain that he's got his restaurant that he loves in Melbourne and then you go to Perth and just go to the same restaurant. And in Perth, it's like it's such a pain in the ass to get to from where you guys were staying. Yeah. Yeah. It was excellent, though. But we did get moved.

Like, I got us moved, slash they probably should have moved us anyway. Well, the difference is because Milan goes to the one in Melbourne at Crown pretty regularly, and most of the staff know him. Yeah. And they know he's a generous tipper. Yeah. They know what they're in for. So they're kind of like, all right, they can maneuver you properly.

Yeah. But Perth's a completely, it's untested. And I think Milan would have been on better behavior in Melbourne. For sure, yeah. He's like, I'm on holiday. Fuck this place. Fuck everyone. You'd like to think there's a name that goes into the booking database in Perth

and it's just like, it's linked up across all the rock pools yeah so it's just like a little like a little like red mark comes up and then they have to call melbourne yeah can't you so you've flagged this booking that we've got for sunday night yeah what's that all about well well this is man this is what happened we go we got moved where i was like we really i kept requesting there was two different weight stuff where i was like we really i kept requesting there was two different weight stuff where i was like you really need to move it's like there's going to be trouble like it's really in your best interest just dobbing on yourself that's so good oh we were like there was kids yeah next to us the thing where you're like it's bad now and it's only

going to get worse yes and you can see heaps of tables that were free and they're like no we're completely booked up it's like it doesn't, bring someone, just swap someone to here. There's going to be trouble. And so the second waitstaff was like, oh, okay, I'll see what I can do. And I think in that time, as it all came off, maybe the first request was too early in the night. After that, they've then seen everything at play and gone, right. It's like the guy coming back from the future and being like,

I need you to kill this guy in the present day because he grows into a monster yes we were baby hitler yeah so then we eventually got and she and the lady was very very nice about and came along and went oh great news and this has opened up and and then brought us over to our own special room and we're like oh my god this is the best. It's clearly like a bit of a VIP special room. But it was more like, I think they just put us in there going, right, we can close the door here. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's soundproof.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. But well, that's the thing. So then, so Milan's carrying on so much. And he's great fun. We love him. And great. I love this too, where it's like, this happens a bit in life where you've now got a better room because you're behaving badly.

Yes. Like you're rewarded for doing the worst possible thing you can. Yes, yes. So this waiter, this guy brings us into this special room. We're like excited going, oh, my God, we get our own room. This is so cool. Great. And I'm like, thank you so much.

And then the guy closes the door and Mul Milan just ups the behavior by screaming at him. Now get me a beer, cunt. I did see a video on Milan's Instagram and I was like, where the fuck are they? Now I know it's that part. But it looked like you'd all gotten your own hotel room or something. I was like, Jesus Christ. Yeah, so as soon as we go there, he literally, like, and he thinks for some reason this room is soundproofed. It's not.

It just has a door. A sliding door. Yeah. Not very soundproofed at all. So then immediately, and I just go, oh, my God. And immediately the door reopens. The waiters come back in and go, hey, listen, we've really done you a favor here. We've given you, like, this really good room.

Oh, no, you're being told off. Yeah. Oh, God. We've given you this really good room you're being told off yeah oh god giving you this really good room you've requested to be moved we've done that we've given you the best room and look on top of that yes we were getting complaints about your behavior already so then we've done all this nice thing for you and then you're doing this is that what's going on and i'm like yep yep that's what's happened i'm really sorry god just just the worst just being humiliated by the waiters and it's like we're gonna end up paying you a lot of money for this dinner and then we're just getting our bum you have to eat

yeah i mean you have to you have to tip even more now as well, like just ratcheting up the cost. Yeah. Oh, well, it's good to get out of the state and have some different experiences. Fucking hell. Oh, man, it was so bad. And then just the thing of people getting told off

and then people sulking and all the rest of it. I love being told off by a waiter or someone in charge when you are doing the wrong thing and like i love yeah being being told off by yeah like a waiter or someone in charge when you are doing the wrong thing and then they're like this fucking cunt it's like oh man like just you know it's very humbling but get me a beer cunt yeah like you got that you got to do that you know what i mean you got to have your fun there yeah it's not the day's not a complete lock if the worst thing that happens is you just have to tone it down from here yeah you've had a pretty good run like you it's like you carried on and you got your own private room yeah and it's like you've hit the ceiling it's not like you can keep carrying on in there

and then just be getting exponentially better and better rooms it's like they have nowhere else to put you now we got we we moved too quickly we went from the bar in that in that the terrible hotel we were staying at we We were drinking in there. And then we've gone from level one to level 11. Yeah. And nothing in between. Yeah, sure, sure. So our behavior was still happening from level one.

It was still happening from the Seasons of Perth bar where literally either homeless people or close to were coming in and drinking at tables next to us. And like, there was a guy that was just heckling me as I was drinking because like Milan's like, you know, shoving him down. I was just nursing like a cocktail because I was working as well. And this guy just keeps coming up to me going, hey mate, are you going to marry that cocktail or what? And so he does that. He comes past, says that. That's a keen eye.

Yeah. Like that's yeah that's a good you've got a good retort there because clearly he's just been sitting there what like just watching you drink for 30 minutes so we're going back and forth but he just but he gets a big laugh from that from milan and so he just keeps going with it like every five minutes you go you proposed to that beer yet man yeah that's you got a ring on that beer yeah whole storyline yeah yeah yeah the whole childhood sweetheart yeah yeah yeah all that sort of stuff and i'm like yeah and it's coming from a guy in high viz it's like fucking hell jesus christ so i'm then having to play along go yeah yeah yeah mate yeah yeah yeah yeah just a bit of foreplay and i go check

this out mate and i go to drink it and then i go nah i might no i like them hot actually yeah that's i think i'll just put this in the microwave, actually, mate. Oh, okay. Well, why don't you marry it then? Yeah, yeah, we did that one. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's back. He's doing old material.

No, no, he was. He had to rotate through the mix. Yeah, yeah. Okay. It was like us, you know, hop up and do an old material and go, oh, this feels new. I haven't done this for five minutes or not. Yeah, I might put this back in the rotation. Yep.

Well, that's Perth, baby, as they say in the classics. Yep. And as they also say in the classics. Yep. And as they also say in the classics, if you want more content, you can get on patreon.com slash little dum-dum club. You can support the show, which we greatly appreciate. You get yourself two bonus episodes every week with special guests, and you go into the lucky drawer to have your name read out and immortalized in this part of the show, the Stuart Hall of Fame.

Stuart Hall of Fame. Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber First Cab Off The Rank this week. Thank you very much to Stephen Bates. Stephen Bates. Or, I mean, you know, as he was known when he was a child. Little Stephen Bates. No. No.

Baby Bates. No. No. Baby Bates. No. Are you playing with me? Goo Goo Gaga. Are you playing with me? Is this cover bands for Stephen Bates? Well, you know, he might be trans, so he could have been Miss Bates then. Okay.

Right. No, I'm just fucking with you. Thank you. It's Master Bates. Yeah. Woo! Damn, could have done this on stage as well in Perth. That would have been good.

You'd have to get pretty unlucky to be, like, you know, having that name. You know, it's there, it's in plain sight, Master Bates. But it's like, yeah, I don't think I ever got referred to as Master when I was growing up. You know, the bad luck to have that name and then be like, I guess what, at a posh enough school where they would refer... I mean, I went to a posh school and they didn't call us Master. Yeah. You wouldn't...

But at some stage, someone's got to come along and go, hey, you know what? Sometimes in history has happened. Someone has called, you know, Mister. There's a junior version of that. Master. Which... Why is there... I don't know.

Why is there a baby's version of the mister it's so dumb and also what's the cutoff age and also you you're calling a child like oh we can't call you mister we have to call you master which is the junior version of but then master means the fucking king yeah yeah best at something yeah what are you the fucking best at well i only ever heard it referred to in like kind of um not derogatory, but like kind of making fun. Like me and my girlfriend will say it a lot about her nephew. If it's like he's kicking off, it's like, oh yes, little master was not happy about having to have his, you know, in that kind of sense. I never hear it used.

It's not a normal thing to say now. Yeah. Those like women's magazines have those bits where people will write in about their kids, and it's like, little miss and little master. So I only ever hear it used in a derogatory sense. Never in its actual... Here's master. Yeah, there was a column in New Idea or Woman's Day when I was a kid, when I used to read mum's women's magazines, and there was a column called Mere Male.

Yes. Do you remember yeah i remember me a male yeah and it was all like oh hubby fucking did this yeah yeah hubby i walked in the bathroom hubby had his dick stunk stuck in the sink and it was like dick stuck in this in the in the plug hole and it's like oh you said it needed to get washed yeah oh bloody mm and they used to always go like it was very confusing like, a seven-year-old reading this. And it was called mere male, and I just did not know what that meant. I didn't know what the concept of something being mere meant.

Was there, I want to say, I was about to say that there wouldn't be the equivalent version of this, but there surely must have been in one of the lads mags somewhere in the world. Yes. Like, an equivalent. Dumb bitch. Dumb bitch. Dumb bitch. Yeah, me miso. But it would just all be really specific like car shit.

DB wandered in. Yeah, the miso doesn't know the difference between this part of the car and this part of the car. Dumb bitch. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I do remember getting an FHM for the first time when I was a kid, a lad's mag, and looking through the bikini pics. And then in the back there would be a section where it was like,

I don't remember there being anything like that, but I do remember a column that was just like, guys needing help with picking up. And just being like, the front of the mag, it's all bluster. Like that's not the first thing you went to. Come on, man. Straight away, that's what you bought it for. No, I'm going to the skimpy pictures of Alison Hannigan from American Pie.

But I just thought it was funny that you've got all this bluster up the front of the mag. It's like, fucking check all this shit out. And then by the time you get to the back end, it's just the spirit's been completely crushed by looking at all these hot women. And you've just realized, like, I could never pick up. I could never be with one of them right i need help from just whoever the editor of this magazine to tune chicks yeah writing into a magazine to get you picking up advice yeah that's real having to wait like not only having to wait a long time to get the response but then it's public too yeah the only way you can hear back yeah but if this gets read by everyone who's reading the magazine i mean you've worked in showbiz i would say majority

of those would be written by the writers oh sure but i mean at the time yeah when i'm buying that i'm like you know i'm along for the ride i remember do you think it's maybe the same with mia mail and little miss and i imagine those are probably legit because there's enough like yeah yeah there might be a few and might have been a few made up maybe because like they're all pretty jokey the child ones used to annoy the fuck out of me

because it's like oh yeah we were watching TV and you know little master brackets three they've always got to put the age in there

no no no yeah that's what I was going to ask you now do you remember now like I said me and Mal they were called MM every bloke was called MM every fucking dumb 40 year old cunt who couldn't wipe his ass properly

was called mm right but the kids version it's like these women writing in dunking on their husbands dunking on their kids it's like yeah your life sounds shit yeah no wonder you're excited about a magazine coming out once a month yeah Yeah, yeah, yeah. Meanwhile, over in Ralph, dumb bitch was writing to Woman's Day again about the time I didn't wipe my ass properly. Shut up! I'm so lonely. How can I meet someone else? So the kids' version was, were they called Little Miss Little Master? That's the one that I remember, yeah.

I reckon maybe they turned into that from... I reckon they used to be called... Everyone was called by their age. I do remember it would be a little... Like the column would be called Little Miss or whatever, but it would be like then the person writing the story would be like Little Miss Three. Oh, yeah, yeah.

I think that's what they're called. Master Eight and Little Miss... Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Little Miss Three. Maybe that, yeah. Yeah, yeah yeah that was it right but i just remember every time reading them and it would be this story that's meant to be really funny that's like oh yeah and then the kid came in and it didn't know what this

was and it's like yeah it's a baby yeah its brain is developing yeah yeah yeah yeah like a yeah i mean i guess i don't know parents love that kind of stuff like as i get older and see friends with kids it's like i can understand it a bit more. But just at the time, being driven crazy by this, like, yeah, just put another fucking crossword on this page. This is a boring read. No, it is funny. Like, I mean, I do, I tend to try and save it from talking about it on here because it's a bit like that. But, like, you know, definitely me and my wife do a bit of you know oh this is what she said

today that's pretty funny yeah yeah i mean it's but it's a three-year-old saying something that really a 40 year old normally right absolutely yeah like a kids say the darndest thing kind of thing but i remember the the little miss and little master it was it was literally always a fundamental lack of understanding about something it was like get a load of this we're in the supermarket for the first time and the kid didn't know what a supermarket is. It's like, because you've never taken it to a supermarket. Master won shitty pants the other day.

What a cunt. Little Miss Zero came crawling out of my vagina and was weeping and covered in fucking blood and shit. Got her ass spanked. Writing that one in would be awesome. Nice. Having said that, this is something funny my child did say, Blanket did say, ages ago now, quite a while ago, which was funny.

She, you know, still learning words. She was still in the cot. And she, for some reason got the word and you like this got the words come back and don't come back mixed up so she'd be screaming because she's alone in the room and you'd come in she'd be like don't come back and i'm like okay and i'd leave the room no no no no and you're like and you walk back in i'm like what's wrong don Don't come back. Okay, I'm leaving.

And you leave. She meant come back, but for some reason. Just don't is automatically slipping out. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's fucked. Yeah, that was good. But like beautiful to hear that from a fucking two-year-old, your own child, just screaming at me, don't come back. I'm like, oh, fucking hell. Did we, did I i tell i don't think i told this that we my

girlfriend at the start of the year was looking after her nephew and she was cooking his dinner and he looked at her and he went a snack like wanting a snack before dinner and it's like you greedy cunt you can see dinners on the stove yeah and she just found it really funny and we say it to each other now and then this is the folly that you make with new, well, he's three but still like relatively new parents, like he's young. We, it then has,

like my girlfriend just kept forgetting to tell her sister about it. Right. So finally it's like, yeah, it's six months on now and we were with them and I was like, hey, tell the story about the,

and so she wheels it out. Absolutely no reaction from the parents because they're like, oh yeah, yeah, in January, yeah, I guess. But now he does this thing. And it's like, yeah, fucking. You read the dictionary to me yesterday. Sorry. Sorry that he's done a million other funny things since then that we weren't around for.

Like, we really thought, oh, they're going to love hearing this. And then it fucking bombed. Oh. Yeah, I get it. I completely get it. If my parents did the same thing now i'd be like yeah yep she she can fucking do the time table now i'd like to think i'd faint it i'd be like i'd get that it's important to them yeah for the story to get a bit of i mean you know yeah it's like a comic running a bit by it's like ah yeah no good stuff yeah yeah yeah well thanks uh thanks steven thanks master thanks thanks mm thanks master eight uh thank you very much to patient

subscriber fiona mcalpine okay okay how do you come up with that surname the scottish mountain the scottish mountain yeah that's what it is. You've got Alpine. Why do you need to muck it? Why do you need to whack that on there? Yeah, I mean, are there famous... Maccify. What's the famous mountains in Scotland? Or Arthur's Seat, I guess.

Is there? Is that a mountain or is that a hill? Well, that's a great question. At what point does a hill... At what point are you like, you know what? I'm scaling scaling them out i started thinking this was just a bit hilly but i got to be honest with myself i'm halfway up a mountain yeah i'll be dead i mean is it possible to just like be at the foot of mount fuji and being like this looks like a nice hill and then all of a sudden like oh hang on i think i'm climbing Mount Fuji. Well, yeah.

How does it work where at some stage you're climbing things? You're looking at hills and looking at mountains and going, these need two different names. Because the access point to a mountain is a hill. You can't have a mountain without a hill. Oh, yeah. But you can have a hill that's not a mountain. Yes. Hmm.

Is there... Is there... How many mountains in Australia? There's not that many, is there is there how many mountains in Australia there's not that many is there hmm it's not a very

it's not a very hilly terrain is it traditionally I mean compared to a lot of other places in the world I wonder if you could

find that out I wonder if Google's going to have a result how many mountains in Australia how okay how many

mountains in Australia okay Okay. How many mountains in Australia? Okay. I've spelt nearly every word here wrong, but I'd love to think that autocorrect will. Does Australia have many mountains? I can't get an accurate read here. It's not telling me. How many mountains are in Australia. Here we go.

Five. Oh, wow. Six if you count Mount Druitt. But that's really more of a hill. Well, let's count it since its name is Mount Druitt. Yeah. It's not called Hill Druitt, you fucking idiot. Whoever wrote this, put them in a mere mail.

This is good. Okay. Five. Six if you count Mount Druitt but that's really more of a hill. My grandma climbed it once. The next day she went back to the top because she thought

she'd left her Zimmer frame there. That's a joke, isn't it? I don't know. It's a weird joke. Yeah. I'd like to think it's real. Yeah. You can be elderly think it's real. Yeah. You can be elderly, pretty forgetful.

You probably don't need the Zimmer frame as much on the way down. On the way down. But surely you remember. Surely it's that thing where you go, you know, I had my notebook on the way to Frio. Yeah. But then I don't remember having it when I was at Frio. It's like, well, I remember the Zimmer frame going up the mountain.

I just don't remember it going down. But this is the thing. I gaslit myself. I invented, I had a vivid memory of being in the Uber out the front of the venue in Frio. And before we took off, just being like, oh, just one second. I just got to check that I've actually got something in my bag. And looking at it was in there. Right.

But it wasn't, you know, I've left it there. So I think I've just invented that memory. Yeah, right. But who knows? in my bag and looking at it was in there right but it wasn't you know i've left it there so i think i've just invented that memory yeah but who knows like the zimmer frame on the way down mandela affected yourself yeah maybe you'd need the zimmer frame more you know sometimes if you do like a steep hike it's often like it's worse on the way down okay yeah you have any really running uphill is hard but you're're not going to lose control. You don't fall over uphill. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

When you run downhill, you are fucked. But yeah, walking down a steep hill is fucking brutal on the calves because you're really having to, you're sort of fighting gravity as well. Yeah. I went down, when I was in Copenhagen, I went down an insane hill. Where it's like, I'm scared to go down this on a bike. Like, I don't know what the go down this on a bike. Like, I don't know what the fuck's going to happen here.

Like the scariest fucking thing. Just, it was like, it was like, what do you call it? That's all that fucking Island is. Yeah. Yeah.

Very up and down. This was like the steepest of all time. Absolutely fucking crazy. Um, but yes, you're right. Yeah. So I would be way scarier doing that.

Um, uh, thanks Fiona McAlpine., Fiona McAlpine, I guess. Thanks, Fiona McAlpine. Yeah, it's a very interesting last name. We've talked about it before, the Mac, whacking a Mac onto things. But, yeah. One of the, I reckon, I'm putting it out there, one of the weirder Mac affixes.

Alpine? Yeah. I like it, though. As a name, I think it's there. One of the weirder Mac affixes. Alpine? Yeah. I like it, though. As a name, I think it's cool. McAlpine. It flows together fine. It flows together good. But it's like saying...

Fiona Alpine. You know, Fiona McCrocodile. You know what I mean? Yeah. There's some weird... I'm used to seeing Donald at the end of it. Yeah. Callum.

Hey, someone told me this the other day, and I'm not sure if it's true or not. Do you want to just go into the next name and then I'll tell this? Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber Jonathan Davies. Jonathan Davies. Yeah. Leads to the River of Corn. Speaking of crocodiles.

Jonathan Davies, really, but yeah. Oh, really? Yes. Okay. Someone told me that crocodiles can basically live forever. Did you knowcodiles can basically live forever Did you know this? Can basically live forever Well the only reason that they die is because

This is what someone told me and I'm sure I'll get A million different verifications Of this story on social media After this goes up But they The reason that they die is because their teeth Fall out and then they can't eat But so without that If they're So there is a crocodile that's like The reason that they die is because their teeth fall out and then they can't eat.

So there is a crocodile that's like, I can't remember where it is, but it's like 127 years old or something. It's got no teeth and it's being fed by, it's like in a zoo or something like that. What I'm reading here, crocodiles can live up to 70 years in the wild, with the saltwater crocodile being the longest living species. However, crocodile lifespans among species range from 25 to 70 years. Crocodiles in captivity have been known to reach 100 years old. What's most interesting about crocodiles is they don't die of old age. And I assume that the next bit is what you're about to say. Yeah, their teeth fall out and then they can't eat. But just this crocodile being kept alive,

fed mush. Yes. No teeth. Smoothies. Just like, please. Down to boost juice every night. Yeah, just let me die. But someone, surely out of all the experiments,

out of all the horrible experiments in life, in Germany, in the fucking war, surely someone's got a fucking crocodile just hooking them up to like a strawberry crush or whatever the fuck they're called down at Boost Juice. Right. Seeing how long they can get them to go for. Because that's the thing. If that's a known thing that they could just go, you know, they could just live infinitely,

that they don't die of old age and it's the teeth that's the real reason, then why is only, why is 100 like as far as they've gotten? Why isn't there like a, maybe they've only just discovered this. Maybe we'll get to a point where there's like a 600-year-old crocodile. Maybe only 100 years ago,

they started being able to be fucked to do dumb experiments like this. Right. So maybe there's a bunch of them on the go right now. Yep. Now that, you know, there's been developments in science, maybe's they got crocodiles on better diets and better exercises yeah yeah fake teeth no what are they called the veneers yeah crocodile veneers get the crocodiles on invisalign yeah yeah yes absolutely beautiful beautiful white teeth yeah

yeah yeah getting the getting them to to put in the plastic fucking things every day and do the scan every week. Yep. Oh, fuck. That's a hell of a job, isn't it? Yeah. The guy that has to pull the jaw open and snap the little thing on. Yep. Stuffing a chicken down its throat just so you could distract it and put the new Invisaligns on.

Oh, it really depressed me hearing that. It's like that poor fucking toothless crocodile on a diet of mush, being kept alive against its will, against God's will. Yes. Fuck. And, yeah, that's that. But Jonathan Davies, speaking of poor animals doing something against their will, is subscribed to Patreon.

Thank you, Jonathan Davies. Yeah. Very close to the lead singer of Korn, like I said. Yep. And not very close at all to the creator of Garfield. Yes. Yes. A little bit.

Pretty far away. A little bit. Davis. He's the cover band. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The Perth cover band. Yeah. The Garfield cover band.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. The Garfield creator cover band in Perth. For everyone that wanted to see Jim Davies live, Jim Davis live, in Perth in the last two years, but he couldn't come over, they've got Jonathan Davies to come and explain how good lasagna is and whatever happened on a Monday to him that made him force that hatred onto his creation. I genuinely might do this on stage, but why isn't there cover artwork? There's cover bands.

There's people that do... We were talking... What were we talking about this? On something recently. The Andrew Dice Clay and Bill Hicks cover. Oh, yeah, yeah. You know, cover comedian things. Yeah.

It's like, why don't I just get on Instagram and just start drawing Garfield? Right. I'm covering Garfield. Yeah. Here's my take on it. Yeah, sure. Do it. Why doesn't that exist?

Here's my take on a few far sides. As long as you don't make money off it, surely that's... Why can't I make... People make money being in cover bands. Yeah. If you're not making money... Why can't I make money just drawing Garfield? Yeah.

I don't know. But I have to change it. Farfield. What? Yeah. Narfield. Narfield. Narfield.

There we go. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The Garfield... The Tommy Dasolo Garfield experience. Yes. All right. Well, crack up. Put one on socials this week.

Narfield. Narfield. And the idea being with cover bands that it's like this exists because it's too difficult for you to see the actual band. Yeah, yeah. So this is for anyone that's having trouble finding a Garfield comic strip. Anyone that can't figure out how to type comics.com. Yep. This is for you.

If your local newspaper doesn't have Garfield, then this is the Instagram page for you. You know what? If you're not a Murdoch fan. Yeah, yeah, that's a good point. And, you know, good for you. If you don't want to pick up the Herald Sun anymore or whatever it is in your state, piece of shit, but you miss the comics. So I'm just taking each day's Garfield and sort of like altering it slightly so that I can't be, so that it is a cover. Yeah. But then you can still enjoy it. Yes. If you don't want to support the Murdoch place. Yes... So that it is a cover. Yeah. But then you can still enjoy it

if you don't want to support the Murdoch place. And why should you? Yes. Yeah. So, go on. Knock out a Narfield this week. Okay. Fuck.

Put one on the socials. Yeah. All right. Follow us on the socials and you'll get a creative... Exclusive access to Narfield. You'll see the boot camp of when Jim Davis sues Tommy Daslow.

That would be... That would be fucking an awesome person to be sued by. I mean, yeah. Like, a guy with a lot of money behind him, it would be very stressful. But also, you'd be really freaking out about all the money that you're going to have to fucking owe

this guy and everything. But you would have to kind of log on at various points and be like, I do have to keep an eye on the fact that this is very funny. Yes, absolutely. And especially if you lodged it on a Monday and you're like, oh, now I get it. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, now I hate them. Yeah. But then, like, it's the trial of the century. There's no cameras allowed in the court and you're just seeing updates on the news. No. And then the court sketch artist. And he's drawing it himself.

Or you just see a very realistic like court sketch artist drawing and it's me in a full garfield suit yeah like i'm just i'm just fucking with him up on the stand and then everyone else in the room looks the same like with those huge gimlet eyes like yeah you know like john on the in the cartoon always just looks the same as his girlfriend his girlfriend looks like John in drag. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. He's, yeah, right, right. They've got that style.

Everyone's faces are the same, but maybe their hair is different. Their hair's different. Sure, yeah, yeah, yeah. So everyone in the room just looks like the prototype. You know what's a shame? It's a shame that he evolved the look of Garfield because I love the very first Garfields.

The weird long, fat ones. Where he looks all fucked up yeah I really wish that he was still this like hugely iconic character but he'd never but he'd never morphed from that. Simpsons style where the actual creator is actually not that good of a drawer or anything yeah and then everyone else has tuned it up and then everyone's like ah and then you still get to get like your signature down the bottom it's like you didn't draw this cunt everyone else picks this up for you. Yeah, I've always found that weird that that must be some kind of licensing kind of deal that he has.

Where his name just has to be on everything. And I remember as a little kid being fooled by it. Being like, this is fucking crazy that he drew it. Because I would get the comics every month. And be like, fuck, that's pretty awesome that Groening's still taking the time to draw the covers of these that's pretty sick and then being like oh no

he's on the fucking Lolita Express he's not doing jack shit yeah he's signing something he's signing a lot of cleavage I don't think there's much

cleavage on the Lolita Express anyway that's very fair thanks Jonathan Davies and I hope you too all day you dream about sex That's very fair. Thanks, Jonathan Davies. And I hope you too, all day you dream about sex. Adidas. Favourite Korn song?

Don't have one. Never really got into them. I think they're one of those ones where, to me, it's like Limp Bizkit, where that band sucks, but I really like one or two of their songs and you go oh yeah yeah right i'm letting myself guiltily like one or two of them i couldn't name or hum you any of their songs and jonathan davies is a bit is a little bit to me robert smith of the cure okay where they've kept the hairstyle they've kept all the makeup they've kept everything but they've gotten older and fatter. Yeah, it's bleak, isn't it?

If you're into all that sort of shit, if you're into the hair and the makeup and everything, and then you just blow out, oh, it doesn't look good. It doesn't lend itself to whatever you're trying to do, I reckon. Yeah, yeah. Just a big, fat, old goth. Bad. Bad Jonathan Davies.

A bad thing to be. Never get old, Jonathan Davies. Kill yourself to be Never get old Jonathan Davies Kill yourself Before you get to that point Stay young and supple forever Yep As the As the

As the who said Hope I die before I get old And then went on to Absolutely not do that They got old And Then went Then everyone else went

We wish you'd fucking done that Thank you very much To Patreon subscriber Patrick O'Shannessy Okay Yep Okay Which is Irish for Shanessy The Shanessy done that. Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber Patrick O'Shaughnessy. Okay. Yep. Okay. Which is Irish for Shaughnessy.

The Shaughnessy. Or of Shaughnessy. Yeah. Is that what it is? I guess so. Yeah. I had an O'Shaughnessy as a teacher at school.

Did you? I fucking hated it. Never heard. Whoa, whoa, whoa. What do you do? Just a teacher. You know a lot of the times you date a teacher it's like this cunt's trying to make me learn stuff.

Right. I don't like this at all. Yeah. One little bit. He made me not be at home playing computer games. Yeah, exactly. How dare you? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, it doesn't sound cool. Yeah. Is that it? That's all we're doing on that name. Is that it? Patrick O'Shannessy Patrick O'Shaughnessy. O'Shaughnessy. That is pretty...

Well, Patrick's pretty Irish, isn't it? Isn't it? I think so. Yeah, I think so. It's reasonably Irish. Happy to sign off on that. Yeah. Yeah.

When was the last time you were in an Irish bar? Would you say that the european beer cafes technically i guess so um you know what i was reading i was i was reading uh you know because this was uh we talked on the normal episode today about wolfie and his investments for us that was uh for me that was uh supposed to go to um a thai bar and i haven't haven't heard too much about the money that's left for that but um i did read an article not uh a little while back uh that was like this is what you want to do if you want a thai bar yep or a thai restaurant or whatever and i was like yep and it did tell me a few things i already knew which is a real shame they're like

if you want to go over there and do a an an actual like Thai, like normal Thai food and normal, like cheap Thai food, um, restaurant or business, it's like, it's about the worst idea you can do. Like the best idea you can do is go over there and like have an Irish bar or an English bar or something like that. That's the bit.

And it's like, ah, fuck, that's the last thing I want to do. The absolute last thing. Why is that? That's the, The absolute last thing. Why is that? That's the best. Why is that better than a Thai place?

Because, I assume after thinking about it, because that attracts all the tourists. Because idiot tourists always are attracted to whatever's from back home. It's less risk. And the markup, you don't go into an Irish or an English bar or whatever and go, oh, they're all $2 beers. Yeah, yeah, sure. They're always $5 beers. Sure. You know, the meals are bar or whatever and go, oh, they're all $2 beers. Yeah, yeah, sure. They're always $5 beers. Sure. You know, the meals are not all of a sudden, it's not a $2 curry.

It's an $8 curry. Me and my friend, in the midst of lockdown, we were looking at real estate in Japan. Yeah. It was like surprisingly pretty cheap. Right. And it is easy to do. You can pretty easily buy a place not being a citizen but it's so funny on all the real estate stuff they have to be very clear about owning the place does not

give you citizenship you are still subject to all the same visa stuff where you can't stay for you know too long you have to like leave and then come back and all that kind of stuff but we were and yeah this this this is such a like symptom of lockdown where we were both like fuck let's do it let's go halves let's buy this place we both know like a couple of people over there that you know if we'd needed someone on the ground to kind of go and do some stuff for us like at that time we could have done it and we were like yeah fuck it only be this much each i can't remember how much it was each, but it was like fucking a really good deal. Doable. Just a bit out of Tokyo, not in the city, like a bit out.

And it needed a bit of work on it. And we just, again, we just got sucked into this fantasy of like next summer, their summer, like we'll go over there. We'll fucking live there for a couple of months and we'll fucking do up the place. We'll just live there. We'll be sleeping in there. Days we'll like get up and we'll, you know,

we'll have some days where we're just cleaning the place up, fixing the place up and then, you know, we can go off into the city and do our touristy stuff. Oh, it'll be so good. And then the idea fizzles because you're like, I mean, it's a good deal, but it is still buying a place. And it's like, what's the benefit here? Oh, you've got somewhere to stay when you go over there.

What, once a year? Yeah. It's like you own property to just save money. Yeah. a year like just get a hotel you own a holiday house but not your own house yeah so stupid but like one of those things that you just needed to cling on to in lockdown of like we'll be able to do anything one day um yeah well well when, that's not happening. So that's a shame. We could have gone over and stayed there. I could have gone and stayed there in Japan, in the Dassler residence.

Yeah. A shame. It was also a funny thing to have just been like, yeah, then when we go to Tokyo, we've got somewhere to stay. And it's like, no, but it's far enough out of Tokyo that it would have been like... A big pain if you were just going for a week on a holiday it would have been like what a fucking nightmare place to be staying this is so fucking inconvenient yeah it really would rely on you just being like i am just gonna go for like four months out of the year and just like essentially live in tokyo yeah but yeah but yeah it seems like easier to do than buying a,

buying an Irish bar. I mean, maybe that's the thing to do. If, if property, if buying an apartment was cheap enough

just outside of Tokyo, then I would have to believe that buying an Irish bar just outside of Tokyo, even cheaper and easier than that. Maybe that's the move.

And profitable. Odassalo's. Yeah. Timmy Odassalo's Irish pub. Yeah. Maybe that's the move. And profitable. Odassalo's. Yeah. Timmy Odassalo's Irish pub. Yeah. You're right. In the country you love, like wanting to just make the move of being in there, settling for just a fucking, yeah, a shit like theme bar.

Yeah. That has absolutely nothing to do culturally with the place you love. Yes. It really is like, I'd rather not do anything. Absolutely. It's like, sure, I've got skin in the game, but... If I go over there and all of a sudden I'm like, I'm like Olivia Newton-John's G'day LA store, but in Koh Samui.

Yeah. I'm sitting there fucking selling Tim Tams and shit. It's like, ah, fuck this. Yeah, absolutely. But I mean, they still, ah, fuck this. Yeah, absolutely. But I mean, they still, don't the Irish bars there, they still have Thai food on the menu and stuff? Yeah, they'll have a bit of that, but it'll be mostly bangers and mash and all this stuff. But then it'll be like, oh, and you can also have a green curry for, you know, $12. True.

But then, what was that one where we did the stand-up show that time? The Duke? No. Is it called The Duke? I think The Duke, yeah. Yeah, yeah, Duke. I mean, that was like a British pub. But even that, it's like all open air.

It's kind of vibey inside. Like it wasn't full dinky-dye. But, you know, I didn't feel too bad about being in there because I was like, I still feel very tropical in here well I had live music as well that was good

yeah that's true oh yeah that's why we did the cover band yeah speaking of that you're right there was a lot of outdoorsy

so yeah I guess there's a way of doing it there's a way of doing your little fusion idea somewhere on Koh Samui I feel like you're still going to be able to even if you are

severely compromising it's like most of those places they're all kind of like open air so you still do feel like you're getting the tropical experience. I've seen some places that just are insane. There's a bar called Shakespeare's, which couldn't look more English from the outside or inside.

And it's just like a rectangle. No architecture to it at all. It's just a box. And it's just plunked in the middle of next to a jungle or whatever. It looks absolutely insane. It looks like Doctor Who's TARDIS or something like that that's just fucking landed somewhere

completely out of place. You're like, why is that there? That's an accident. Yeah. Someone's made a mistake somehow. It looks so dumb. Alright, well, thanks Catrick O'Shaughnessy. Yes. Oh, is that how you pronounce it? O'Shaughnessy? I think so. Okay. It wasn't spelt like that. We had our teacher who was called Mr. O'Shaughnessy yes oh is that how you pronounce it O'Shaughnessy I think so

okay it wasn't spelt like that we had our teacher who was called Mr. O'Shaughnessy you know what his nickname was that all the students

would call him Shaggers oh yeah yeah fair enough alright let's do one more we are running

over here thank you we're going to do a Patreon episode any second so sign up to Patreon via our website or patreon.com slash littledumbdumbclub.

You'll get heaps of bonus episodes. And that's how we managed to put this all together instead of going to a job. Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber. Oh, God, yet another Irish subscriber. Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber Fiona O'Comedy. Wow. Wow. That's a lot

because we had a lot last week as well. We had Finn Island. We had yeah, someone else and then yeah, there's a lot of Irish. Fiona O'Comedy. Of comedy.

We used to have a fair bit of Fiona O'Comedy. We used to have a fair bit of hand sanitizer in the Patreon too and I'm just looking at the records and that seems to have gone missing as of this week. Yeah, that does

remind me of someone we know except for the comedy bit they say. Jesus Christ. Meow. Alright guys, patreon.com slash littledumbdumbclub, littledumbdumbclub.com Thank you very much for listening. Thank you to everyone who came out and saw the show in Perth. It was great to

see you all and we'll see you next time. See you mates.