The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - 617 - Melanie Bracewell & Greg Larsen

Episode Date: August 3, 2022

This week we've got a huge showcase of freaks to discuss and who better to dive into them with than MELANIE BRACEWELL and GREG LARSEN! Karl's nearly been bashed while on the phone, Tommy's made friends with some self-proclaimed Brisbane royalty, we find out that Mel is deeply familiar with one of our favourite New Zealand comedians, there's big drama in the "Broome" comedy scene, and Karl's got a "new" bed. Phew! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Today on The Little Dumb Dumb Club, a great new episode with guests Melanie Bracewell and Greg Larson. If you want to support The Little Dumb Dumb Club, you can do so at patreon.com slash littledumbdumbclub. You get two excellent bonus episodes every week, and we'll thank you at the end of this episode. That's right, and there's a big backlog of episodes, hundreds of episodes, so if you sign up right now, you've got access to all of them. So get on to that, You can do it via Patreon. You can go to our website, littledumbdumbclub.com.au? No. Oh, okay.

Well, don't say that. You can find it there. And you can find merch. We haven't plugged the merch for a little while. Get on there. And we've got a bunch of different designs and stuff. Get on and get some of that. Do all of the good stuff, guys.

We will talk to you more at the end of the episode in Talking Dumb Dumb. But until then, enjoy this new episode with Melanie Bracewell and Greg Larson. Hey, mates. Welcome once again into the Little Dum Dum Club for another week. Thank you very much for joining us. My name is Tommy Daslow. With me as always, the other half of the program, Carl Chandler. G'day, dickhead.

And joining us today, two very special guests. Please welcome back onto the show, Melanie Bracewell and Greg Larson. Yeah. Thank you. Exciting stuff. Straight from the docks, Tommy Daslow. Straight from the docks? Yeah.

As where I work. You look like the workplace that you don't come down to and interfere with my business. I thought you meant like the docks as in in a court of law when the criminal is up in the docks. He looks like he's working on the docks. Look at him. Tommy did used to work on the docks. He's looking a bit Steve Zazu. Someone told me the other day that what I'm wearing makes me look like a bottle of sriracha.

The sauce? The spicy sauce? So I'm wearing like an orange. It makes me look like a bottle of sriracha. I don't know. The sauce? Oh, wow. Oh, my God. Yeah. So I'm wearing like an orange. How has that got that reaction and the docks gets nothing? No, the sriracha. It looks like he works on the docks. Get out of here, boomer.

It's got the green top. Yeah, the 27-year-old gets it. Fuck you. I like it. The docks are still a thing. Where the fuck do the boats come into? Are they? It's still a reference.

No, young kids aren't going there. It's not like in your day where that was the only thing to do was go down and look at the boats. Sorry, everyone just downloads boats now. Sorry, everyone. Yeah, we get our cargo off the NBN. Exactly. But no, I've got like a bright green... But it's weird that you said the other day someone's mentioned this.

So this is a combo you hear frequently. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're like Bart Simpson. This isn't an outfit. This is one costume that's hanging up in the wardrobe all attached to each other. You're like, I'm going for sriracha today again. That's what I love about it is that someone told you you look like a bottle of sriracha and you went, fuck yeah. That's the outfit.

I'm going to go fishing for that comment again. Speaking of fishing, I'm going down to the dock. Oh, yes. See, that's where I got that from, subconsciously. Well, you'll be able to see the photo on the socials, guys, of what I'm wearing right now. So chime in with what you think I look like. Can anyone top Sriracha bottle or the docks?

I mean, this is such a colourful outfit that if I did turn up to the docks dressed like this, I would be bashed to within an inch of my life. You have to assume. That's true. I mean, but anyone would be bashed at the docks. The docks are hard people. Yeah, right. They like to bash.

Everyone's calmed down over the years. It's like, you know, I come from a country town where it's like, if you had long hair, you'd get bashed. But now it's sort of like, they're the ones who've got long hair that are bashing you now. Like, everyone's calmed down a little bit. People are still getting bashed, but just for like sort of like they're the ones who've got long hair that are bashing you now like everyone's calm down a little bit people people are still getting bashed but just for like sort of more esoteric reasons but yeah like it is funny it's i was gonna say it's funny but yeah i where i grew up yeah you'd get bashed like if you had an earring in the wrong ear and i don't know

what the ear was but people would be like oh we better bash them yeah you know like if you i don't think they knew which ear it was yeah it's like wow like, well, they got an earring, just bash it. You're 50-50. It's one of those ones where it's like, I've fallen off the wagon or I'm going on the wagon. What, what, what, what? Who's drinking again? Which one's that?

Yeah. What I loved about, you know, growing up in, you know, Ipswich, Australia, is there was always one of those guys that was like a sort of a basher, but someone that people would respect. Right. And there'd be this weird, like a sort of a basher but someone that people would respect right and there'd be this weird like like a friend of mine i remember him talking about his mate who was like you know all his brother's mate you know an older mate yep and he said oh he's like he's real cool like we were at a servo one day and this guy was wearing a ford shirt and you know he's obviously

my mate's into holden not ford um and he sees the guy wearing the Ford shirt and he goes, oh, you like Ford, do you? And the guy said, oh, no, you know, my girlfriend gave me the Ford shirt. I don't actually like Ford that much. And so my mate bashed him, right? And then he goes, mate, that's for not being yourself. I wouldn't have bashed you just for the Ford shirt, but it's because you can't admit who you are. And like, and that was great.

Taught him a life lesson. That's sort of a Queensland reason for bashing someone. That's more like an Adelaide reason for bashing someone. That's like the lesson in a Disney film. If it was the girlfriend that bought the shirt, he went and bashed the girlfriend as well. Right, right. That's for not paying attention.

Speaking of your growing up, Greg, we were in Brisbane together recently, and I was very excited. This didn't pan out, but there was a point where we were all locked in. It was you, me, Cameron James, Lloyd Langford. We were going to go hit up a goth club on the Saturday night. We were having a beer,

and you very excitedly after your show, you'd run into someone who you grew up with and you were like, would you guys want to go to a goth club with me on Saturday night? And I was fucking pumped. Is this sort of like young Greggy? Yeah. Young Greggy, except instead of being like, oh, I know things about the internet.

It's more like, I'm going to have a lot of ecstasy. Try to go to the goth club in your Sriracha outfit? Well, that was my first question. I was like, will I get in? Because I don't want to be knocked back from a goth club.

Like something that I'm going to for novelty purposes to then not get in would be more fun. Was the goth club down by the water? Because you could have gone to somewhere else and fit in otherwise. I'll just go to work. Don't worry about it.

I'll just go clock on now. But yeah, were you going to go in full get up? No, I wasn't going to go in full get up. I think the reason I didn't go was, oh, it was election night for a start. Right. And I was pretty keen. You don't go to goth clubs on election night. I was pretty keen on seeing what unfolded there.

Yeah. But I remember I was like sort of marginally ill. That's right. You know, like not COVID, but it was something. Yeah. And we didn't go. That's not really an interesting part of the story, but... We also had had a shit of a time trying to get in anywhere.

Yeah, we'd had a shit of a time trying to get in anywhere because Brisbane, that whole journey to Brisbane made me remember why I left Brisbane. It was kind of awesome because we were walking around with you all week and you were constantly, you were like proudly telling us all these facts about Brisbane. Because you're from there, you used to live there. Yeah, yeah.

You'd be walking around and you'd be like, you know, it's like the fastest growing city in Australia. And then we'd be like... Was I really saying that? Yeah. And then like, you know, it's like the fastest growing city in Australia. And then we'd be like... Was I really saying that? And then like 15 minutes later, we'd be trying to get a burger for dinner at 9pm and they wouldn't serve us and you're like, this fucking city, that's it. Tomorrow in my show, I'm getting up and I'm just going to let rip. I fucking hate it here.

So Mel Bracewell's the face of New Zealand, Greg Larson the face of Brisbane. Is this some sort of sponsorship happening here? Love it. Yeah, maybe. Where else but Queensland, Greg Larson, the face of Brisbane. Is this some sort of sponsorship happening here? Love it. Yeah, maybe. Where else but Queensland, you know what I'm saying? Yeah. Yeah. That is a funny thing about like people from Queensland.

They do have such like a love-hate relationship with it. Like they'll just tell you the most horrific stories about growing up and like getting bashed and then it's like that it's God's country up there. I went there while it was like passing down with rain and I was like, oh, I'm here in the sunny capital. And people in the comments were like, it's actually not sunny at the moment. I'm clearly – I posted a photo where I'm drenched. Again, that's the Brisbane mentality.

Yeah. Was there a lot of time in the goth clubs growing up in Brisbane? Oh, big time. The goth club was called Faith. Oh, really? Because I have seen the goth club was called Faith. Oh, really? I have, because I have seen some, they are very entertaining

pictures of you because it's sort of like bizarro 2022 Greg. You couldn't look any different back then. Yeah. Heaps thinner,

long hair, jet black hair. Yep. Yeah. And just, apparently, you know, it sort of seems like you're into things

that you wouldn't be Anywhere close to these days Like No? Well like what? Oh like The thought of you being Really into Marilyn Manson

Right now To me is funny Well I mean That's problematic for a start Yeah exactly Nice try Carl It was also a huge Well I'm gonna trap me here

Not his Not his music More of his You know Removing ribs and sucking Don't dig Yeah You gotta separate The art from the artist huge not his not his music more of his you know removing ribs and sucking his own dick yeah you gotta separate

the art from the artist well no it's interesting you say that because like I mean like and I was I was ahead of the no but

I like I hate I'm not I'm gonna go on record I don't like Marilyn Manson whoa huge no but but like he's like

I yeah I used in the 90s in the late 90s early 2000s i loved marilyn yeah and but then like i can't listen to that anyway yeah regardless of every like it sucks yeah um but i still listen to a lot of the music that i listened to back then right like what or like heaps of metal um Inch Nails bloody fucking what's some other ones Sisters of Mercy you know

The Cure I fucking love The Cure oh yeah like most yeah all the music I listen to apart from you know

a few things that were a bit lame like Danzig right which is real funny actually but we were in a bar and they were playing

heaps of metal and you were just you were just shazamming non-stop. Oh, yeah, it was sick. It was a really cool night. Yeah, Brisbane's good. Nothing more metal than Shazam, I reckon.

Yeah, I wonder what this riff is. Yeah, I wonder if Shazam has a hard time with metal because it's so fast and it's a very messy kind of sound. It depends on what genre you're talking about. Here we go, here we go. I knew it was coming. It's actually fast and it's very messy kind of sound. It depends on what genre you're talking about. Here we go. Here we go. I knew it was coming. It's actually slow and driving.

Well, actually of metal. Yeah. That's everyone who likes metal is the well actually of metal. Every single person who likes it is like, well, it was actually death grind and then grind core. Yeah. You have to prove yourself as a gatekeeper before you're allowed to listen to the tunes.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. grindcore. You have to prove yourself as a gatekeeper before you're allowed to listen to the tunes. We're recording in my digs. I didn't know you had a child and I was quite terrified thinking he's either got a kid or he's a serial killer. I'm glad to learn that you have a daughter. By house, you mean we're recording in the back of

Carl's ice cream truck. No fixed address. There are a lot of dolls. There are a lot of pink little toys. Yeah. It looks like the final scene in Seven or something like this if I don't have a kid. We've got like a, there's sort of like seems to be a kind of a toy sort of shop set up. And I like that kids get to play with fake hundred dollar bills.

That's kind of cool. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Fucking hell. And just a big thing on it saying, play money. Just so the bank can't get fooled when you bring in this tiny plastic $100 note. Yes, this two-inch $100 note.

Just put that in the account. Thanks, mate. I'm going to try and give that to you down at the docks for services. Yes, exactly. So we're in Hawthorne. Hawthorne's a nice suburb I think and I kind of feel like

I'm pretty invulnerable to crazy people here because you kind of think but it's on the rise the crazies are getting here so I

they're being pushed out places get gentrified and then they get sort of the crazies have to migrate how are you defining crazies in this in this

well I talked the other week about just someone like this time of day a couple of weeks ago that the crazies have to migrate. How are you defining crazies in this? Well, I talked the other week about just someone, like this time of day, a couple of weeks ago, I walked out on the balcony and there was just someone walking up and down this little avenue that no one comes down, just going, whores, prostitutes, whatever, and then yelling. And then I was just laughing over the balcony. I was lost. Yeah.

But he was like saying, your house is full of prostitutes. I'm like, oh, you got me, mate. Okay. Oh, no. So I was... Little fake plastic toy prostitutes that say play prostitutes.

Yes. So I was up Glenferry Road. You can use the play money to use the play prostitutes, by the way. That's what they're for. They come in in a pack. One got me up the road last night. So my problem is I do like to walk around at night.

And so I've got no excuse. Well, this is what I was going to say. You've talked a lot on the show about going for runs and shitting in public. Yes. And then you're saying, what are crazies in this area? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you think that you might not be like the Pied Piper? They've seen that and gone, this looks like a safe space for us.

I've hardly ever shit in Hawthorne, to be fair. It's mostly Richmond. Right, okay. I've been leaving that in another suburb. Couldn't sully the good name of Hawthorne. Exactly. So I was up the main street last night and I was on the phone to a friend of the show, Ben Lomas.

Yep. And one got me because it was like 10 o'clock at night and he and he came up he was really tall and quite big and he locked eyes with me and i was like oh okay you know immediately you go you know this guy knows me or whatever and he starts talking to me and i'm trying to talk to ben lomas and he comes over and i'm like the only reason you look crazy but the only reason i engaged with him is because of what we do. This huge, big, crazy looking guy. I'm like, well, this is a listener of the podcast.

I better talk to him. Okay. Right. Right. Yeah. So I'm like, I literally get sucked in because of that. And then he comes over and he's like, wants to kill me. I'm like, ah, fuck.

I fucked this. Yeah. And so I'm still talking to Lomas on the phone. And so I'm like, all of a sudden I'm going, oh, I reckon this guy's going to get me. And I'm still talking to Lomas on the phone and so I'm like, all of a sudden I'm going, I reckon this guy's going to get me and I'm talking, and Lomas can hear everything that's going on and all of a sudden I feel like it's this thing

where, you know, it's like 9-11 when you're on the plane. Oh my God! You know when you're in 9-11 and you're on one of the planes? No, but like the people that... What do you do for a job? I was on one of the planes in No, but like the people that... What do you do for a job? I was on one of the planes in 9-11. The people that know that they're going to crash into the building,

they're trying to ring or text their loved ones. And I'm not going to be able to do that. All I'm going to be able to do is say, I love you, Ben Lomas. What's wrong? What's happening? Nothing. Just remember that.

Jesus. So you're going to try and like take you're gonna try and get this big guy and just crash him into the pentagon yeah right okay but no lomas is gonna be the only he's he's gonna be in the news he's gonna be the guy that has to right the right right right lomas is the black box yeah yeah but but the only thing that like like, so I was doing that. But then, really weirdly, I kind of, I, the heart was racing and I was really like, like, he was super weird and he was saying all this super weird stuff to me.

And then I sort of eased off and it calmed me a little bit because I was like, because you know what he did? He had two huge 12 packs of toilet roll and I'm like, nah, I can't get killed by a guy like that. Yeah. He could easily clean up the scene. Yeah. That's what it's for. toilet roll and i'm like no i can't get killed by a guy like that like yeah well he could he could easily clean up the scene yeah yeah that's what it's for well that's like i was like okay well he doesn't have as you know the the coverage with his arms but also like i thought he was like homeless crazy guy nothing to lose it's like if you've got that much toilet paper maybe he brought

the toilet paper because he saw you shitting in the street. Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's following you around. Maybe that's why he wanted to kill me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He was Art's nemesis. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've been chasing you for years. Yes, yes. He finally got me.

Yeah, maybe he was complete. Maybe I was, yeah. He's probably telling this story to other people going, I saw this fucking crazy cunt in the street talking to himself and pretending he was on the phone. And he was the guy shitting. I tried to clean it up and he ran away. It's funny how just the act of like being prepared with toilet paper

has been so tainted by like the lockdowns and stuff. You know what I mean? It's like once upon a time you would have seen that guy and just been like, well, you're always going to need toilet paper. Why not stock up? It must have been on sale. And then now it's like, you fruit, you're not going to fucking need this. What are you talking about?

We're not going into a lockdown. Chill the fuck out. So what happened? Did he did he bash you no he didn't push me i was like we just had the weirdest back and forth and i was very i was also sort of on edge because i'm going back and forth with him and i didn't want to sound too cowardly because lomas is listening to the whole thing right so i wanted to step up to him but every time I would step up to him, he would advance on me and wanted to kill me more. And then I'm like, I don't want this either.

Fuck, imagine that. Like, you die and then Lomas is on the news as the last person to talk to you being like, he really pussed out. I heard the whole thing. Pathetic, honestly.

We won't miss him. Yeah. But it was like, it was so dumb. It was like him going, him, what was it? There was one exchange where it was like him saying something

and then me going, good luck with all your dunny paper, mate. Oh, God. If those were your last words. Yeah, yeah. And then I remember he yelled back at me, I'm going to come and get your hat off you. And then me going, oh, I'm going to run around the corner now. I love how you told this story about this psycho

that you thought was going to kill you. And the only line that I've got from this guy is, I'm going to come and get your hat off you. That doesn't sound that scary. That's like the Boolean and Arthur cartoon. That doesn't sound that scary. That's like the Boolean and Arthur cartoon. I met a great... I had a long interaction with a great crazy at the start of the year

that I've been waiting for the perfect person to bring this up with. And I think she was a Brisbane crazy. So I think you'll be able to appreciate this. See, I was waiting. I was trying to jump in with like oh when we were hanging out and I couldn't think of the wording of it and then it's too late

the time has passed I'll get to the end and then you can be like and that's how was it seeing your dad? I'll leave a gap for you to leap in don't worry but this was the start of the year

when the tennis final was on the men's final and me and my girlfriend went to watch it at uh the hotel that i used to live near which was my there were no bars nearby and so my local bar for a while was just the the hotel bar the hotel bar i loved it yeah we'd go there every now and then after pods i think we went there with you once greg it's kind of a yeah yeah yeah another bar yeah nice spot um and so the year before when i've been living there me and my girlfriend would go and watch the tennis every

because they put like a big screen up in the hotel bar and it was like funny like sterile kind of vibe in there that we just really grew attached to so this is like a 60 year old's bar yeah yeah this year we were like let's go watch the men's final there. You know, it'll be a good environment to watch it in. So we go and it's like this great game. It's like maybe halfway through. And these two like older women come in and they're, they, they just like make a beeline for us. They just want an audience.

They've been drinking all day. And like, you sort of forget that you're like, I would go in there and people would start talking to you. And you're like, cause in my head, I'm like, I'm just at a bar, but you forget that you're, like, I would go in there and people would start talking to you. And you're like, because in my head, I'm like, I'm just at a bar. But you forget that you're in a hotel bar. And the other people there are like, where are you from? And you're like, oh, down the road.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it's like a nice hotel. So people would always ask. You're the only one in the bar that's not staying in the hotel. Yeah, totally. And because it's a nice hotel too, like, it's an expensive hotel. So people would be like, what are you doing? I'd be like, oh, like a podcast. And they'd be like, wow, how are you affording to stay in this nice hotel if you do a podcast?

Because it makes no sense. You live next door. And for some reason, you're going next door to buy a $21 beer. Right. Yeah. Exactly. Yeah. So these ladies come in and the main one, she's like, who are we going for?

Who are you going for in this match? And we're like, I don't know, not Medvedev, like the other guy. And she's like, we met these guys here at the hotel and we've got a bet with them that if he wins, I get to throw him in the pool. And if the other guy wins, he gets to throw me in the pool. And I'm like, this is already awesome.

Is there a pool in this hotel? I think there is, yeah. I believe there is. I mean, you'd hope so. They're not just like fucking driving out to Harold Holt and taking this offside. And so, yeah. That reminds me of a good joke I just wrote. Go on.

No, no, no. Keep going. Go on. I'll save it. The pool that's named after the famous... Do you know about the Harold Holt pool, Mel? I think I do. Is this someone who drowned maybe?

And then they named a pool after him. Yes, there we go. That's an observation I've just thought of. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're the first. I was trying to get to that point, but I think you've nailed it. Yeah, I think I just snuck in there. You should do – like when the project did like an hour long special

about Kony 2012, you should just devote a whole episode of the cheap seats to the Harold Holt. I want to watch that episode so bad. I want to watch that so bad. Kony 2012. That was the best thing in the world. Whenever they do the anniversaries of the project, when they do 10 years and all that sort of stuff,

they tend to skip over Kony and the St Kilda schoolgirl pretty quickly. The St Kilda schoolgirl, that's right. Yeah. Oh, fuck. Wait, what? What is the St Kilda schoolgirl? There was a schoolgirl that had relations with St Kilda football club players and then one of their managers,

and then she came on air to sort of say and did an interview to go uh none of that happened and then they were like okay right and then as soon as they got off there they go she just literally goes yeah i just lied then i just made all that up like as soon as they went to the ad break and they but they played it they were like they played the interview and then they were like this happened afterwards and we feel like there's a bit of like a journalistic responsibility to, because her mic was on, the cameras were on. But it was a weird thing where they just, they clicked and went, oh, that's right. We're a major current affairs show that's interviewing like a 14 year old who doesn't

know what the fuck up from down is. Yeah. Oh, we shouldn't be doing this. Yeah. Yeah. So they very quickly sort of, anyway, I hope I still have a job there. Do you work there? Yeah. It's because hughes he's in the footage like when she's like yeah i just made all that up he's sitting next to me he's like oh right come on hughes he's in it yeah so yeah this lady so she comes in and uh she and we're like the only people in there.

So she makes a beeline for us and her and her friend clearly like drinking all day. And so she tells us that about the pool and then she's kind of, immediately she's like, what do you do? And we talk a lot on the show about Uber drivers and stuff asking like, oh, what do you do? And you never want to say like comedian. But just this sort of person, I thought i'll get good results out of this person if i say comedian she's gonna you know you're gonna get the good stuff you say this a fair bit i don't reckon i've ever said this like i'm too scared of saying this yeah i i don't know it's like again i can't be fucked coming up with a lie and having to commit to like that's that's the problem i have because

i always want to come up with a lie but then i to commit to like... That's the problem I have because I always want to come up with a lie but then I immediately then get asked questions about it. Yeah. I always say writer and then they go, well, what do you write? Yes. And then you have to kind of like weave around it. I fold on question two. What do you write?

Stand-up comedy for myself? Well, I can see, Greg, I can see your conundrum because when you came in the door before and I buzzed you in, I said, hi, it's Steve here and you go, hi, I'm Steve I'm not good at improv I'm not an improv comic I'm in an interaction with a stranger, I don't want to be space jumping all of a sudden it's like, oh yeah, I'm at the beach

that's what I do for work you know, near the docks. I had a friend who would tell every cab driver, everyone who ever asked, he would always say that he was the bass player in John Farnham's backing band. Oh, that's nice. It's like people will be impressed

and no one knows who the bass player is. And I swear to God, one day we got in a cab and the guy laughed and was like, well, that's not true because the bass player is blah, blah, blah. Oh, wow. Great. I'm the bass player. That's the ultimate.

Just making up a line. Driving a cab. He hasn't toured for a while. Yeah, he was serious with that last time. So yeah, talking to this lady and yeah, so I've told her that i'm a comedian and then yeah immediately she's like oh well i've got a lot of skits that you could use oh god she's like it's always like my my mum's friends would do that yeah there was one of those it was like a thing

that you'd cover food with it was like glass and i had like a top handle and she'd picked it up and she was like, Mel, looks like a tit. You can use that. And I'm like, what? Like, I'd have to explain. Carrot top style. I'd have to bring it in. I'd have to become a prop comedian. You're playing big venues too, so you're just like, can everyone see this up the back?

That would be great on cheap seats if that comes up. It's like, oh, internet's down this week. Obviously, you're pulling out the tit glass. Look at this. Yeah, the follow-up to the Harold Holt episode. Yeah, yeah. Big segment on things that look like tits this week on the Cheap Seats. Craig Newman on bass guitar for John Farner, for everyone.

Okay, so that's when you get into the Uber, just say, My name's Craig Newman. My name's Craig. What do you do for a job? My name's Craig Newman. I think that says it all. say, my name's Craig Newman. My name's Craig. What do you do for a job? My name's Craig Newman. I think that says it all. Ringing any bells? My name's Craig Newman. You fill in the rest.

Wikipedia it. Yeah. Google it. Craig Newman. Hey, that doing anything for you? So, yeah, she's from Brisbane, down from Brisbane to watch the tennis. And she's like, oh, we get up to a lot of stuff up in Brisbane. They call me Sexy Sally, the wolf of Main Street.

Like the wolf of Wall Street, but a woman. Direct quote. Direct quote. Wedging in brackets what the parody is of. But different street. Yeah, and if it's a woman, it'd be a she-wolf or whatever. Is there a Main Street in Brisbane? Well, no.

Is that the Financial District of Brisbane? That's Eagle Street. Okay. The Wolf of Eagle Street. That sounds cool. Eagle Street is where the stock exchange and everything is in Brisbane. So there's no Main Street. Maybe she's just watered it down for a Melbourne audience.

She's like, they're not going to know what Eagle Street is. Main Street. Maybe she's just watered it down for a Melbourne audience. You know, she's like, they're not going to know what Eagle Street is. Main Street's ubiquitous. Everyone knows what Main Street is. But I will explain what the Wolf of Wall Street is. And that I'm a woman. Brackets, but a woman. Who calls her that?

I guarantee not one person has ever called me that. It's way easier to just say Sally. Yeah. They call me Sexy Sally. So she just kept referring to herself as Sexy Sally. And you know, you would have this a lot. You get stuck in these interactions where you're like, you're loving it, but you're like,

fuck, I wonder if there's any way of me being able to record this. Right. Because words are not going to do this justice. Lomas can't hear this. Huh? Yeah, exactly. Lomas is't hear this. Yeah, exactly. You're observing it and in your head you're just imagining yourself retelling it just as words. And you're like, it's not going to get it across.

You know what I mean? I need the video. So I'm there with my girlfriend and we're just like both locked in and just like... She's turned court artist. So you've got the picture of everything as well. I think we're telepathically trying to communicate to each other, like switch the memory bank on, like kick out whatever you have to,

to like we need to get all of this in our heads because no one will believe this. And she's, so this is like, this is January of this year where we're kind of, we were going through this big like COVID peak and we were out, but it was like pretty stressful because there were like cases everywhere. And she makes it pretty apparent pretty early on that she's like anti-vax, anti-mask. She's like, we went to go into the casino the other day and security came up to me and said,

you have to put on a mask. And I said, fuck off, you fat pog. Oh, my God. I was like, you want sexy Sally To put a mask on And have a rounder face Then she's just Sally Yeah You want to put a sheet

Over the Mona Lisa But I was googling I was like I've never heard the insult Pog Yeah I was like I think we've got a couple of them

On the table just there Let us know if you're That's the main reason I wanted to bring this up I always thought that pog Is a gaming term For like Cool Good Poggers Yeah I know the kids on TikTok No, that's the main reason I wanted to bring this up. I always thought that pog is a gaming term for like cool, good. Poggers.

Yeah. I know the kids on TikTok love that term. Is it a TikTok thing? Well, I don't know. I've never heard it. I think it's a Twitch thing and then it moves to TikTok, I believe. I've never heard. Yeah, I've only ever heard it as pogs.

Did you record it? That can't be the context that she's using it in. This must be some old school regional insult. Let us know if you ever got called a Pog when you were growing up. You know Pog is an old game toy. Yeah, like before Tarzos, right? The little cardboard. Sorry, I didn't know whether this was a thing like the Docs and the Warbs, whether you knew that.

That was, you guys, sorry, but you did seem very old. I started comedy when I was 16 and for like most of my life I've been the young fella. And now it's like having you on the show, you're what, 27? I know. I'm a fucking old man now. It's brutal. I'm sorry, I don't know what Tars are. There was a period where I would say that and people would be like,

we don't know what that is because they were like significantly older than me. I've never been in the right hitting zone for a fucking Tarzo reference. God damn it. Tarzo's rule. Devastating. But so, yeah, so this interaction, because she's got a friend with her who is not getting a word in. Like it's just basically the lackey.

It's quiet Janine. So at one point... Quiet fugly Janine. Sexy Sally goes off to get a round of drinks and then quiet Janine gets her moment in the sun. So she's got... Does she blink help me in Morse code? She rips out this story at lightning speed.

Like she's clearly been through this a million times. She's like, this is my moment. She's like, yeah, divorced from my husband and our daughter got married recently and a little while ago. And yeah, he got up and in his speech, he's a drug dealer and he just used his speech to go on about the cops and what dogs they are.

I was just like... In my head, I was just like, Dark horse, Janine. I was like, you have trimmed all the fat off this story. You know from years of experience that you've got, you know, she's probably, she's sexy. Sexy Sally is the sort of person who she's going to hold court with the bartender, right? So you know you've got a few minutes, but still,

you've just got to get down to brass tacks with this story. No fat on it. Kills well. That's a fucking great yarn. Sexy Sally's back. You know, she's got a round of drinks. And then it was like, we don't hear from Quiet Janine again. But she's used her time so effectively.

Father of the bride speech to talk about the cops. It's fucking awesome. It's amazing. I imagine it must happen a bit up in Queensland. There must be like father of the Bride speeches That just turn into these like Rants about Is that unfair Greg?

Yes It's just a normal state And in fact The last election shows were actually A lot more progressive than Victoria's This is your Father of the Bride speech I had a like Wanting to record someone in queensland situation as well when i

was in an uber because my uber driver was like hey do you mind if i take a phone call and i said yeah totally that's fine he answered and he was like you're trying to rip me off and this person going you you gave me that job and then you didn't pay me the full amount of these like yelling and yelling and then he hangs up and goes sorry about that yeah it's like wow that was so full on and i i managed to capture like the smallest amount of my phone oh fuck that who has ever because it's such a classic move of the uber and cab driver like do you mind if i take a phone call who's ever gone, I'd prefer if you weren't on. It's like, I'm in your car.

Like, do whatever the fuck you want. No, I'd prefer you not. I'm busy concentrating on asking you who's the most famous person you've ever had in here. And has a girl ever offered to pay you with sexual favors? Yeah. Answer those and then you can take your precious little phone call. I just can't rack my brain around, and I just want to know this.

I'm not upset or angry about it in any way. I just want to know. It's so common to have Uber drivers or cab drivers with a headset on or whatever, on the phone basically the whole time, but just every now and again going, yeah. Yeah.

I wonder that too. Yeah. Just like a word or two here or there. And then you're like, sorry? And he's like, oh. Yeah. And you're like, what's happening? Yeah.

What's this? Like, you could be in the cab for 20 minutes and he'll say like five words? I am always fascinated. Who's on the other line? Is it a fellow driver and they're both just going around? Are they just like on Discord? Yeah, maybe. Or is there just a mate of theirs

or like a family member who's just like at home and they just have to devote their night to just sitting on the phone and keeping their friend company as they're driving around? I always want to know. There might be a bit of that.

Yeah. It could be, you know, like, yeah, family, like partner or whatever back at home. But like, yeah, I would love to go. that yeah it could be you know like yeah family like partner or whatever back at home but like yeah i i i would yeah i would love to go you can get on the phone but you just got to tell me like give me the context of the conversation yeah let me know what is happening that you're saying yeah okay and that's it for like five minutes yeah like what's happening on the other end of that

line i need to know i just have to know are they telling you anything yeah so then uh sexy sally says one of one of the greatest things i've ever heard she's talking about how they've just been at the tennis constantly she's like you are we just go and we just drink all day and and you know all her stories are just basically her owning people and and also by the way you you're both watching the tennis on TV about 500 metres away from the tennis. Yeah, so it was kind of... And because they came in halfway through the final, it was like, what's happened here?

Like, you've come down to watch the tennis. You've surely been kicked out of the arena. If she's had a bet with someone about going in the pool... Yeah, yeah. Being thrown in the pool. Because there's one thing for you to be watching it, but for people to have flown in to watch the tennis on TV, 500 metres from the tennis.

In a hotel. Not in a big hub area. Not at the actual tennis. Not just in some hotel. Yeah, yeah. One of the bits of material she gave me was like, you could do a skit about erectile dysfunction. I'm like, go on.

And she goes, what's funny about that? No, I couldn't. I did, but it was just really quick. She goes, I picked up a guy last night and he couldn't get it up. So, you know, you can do a routine about that. I'm like, sure. None of the funny about that. I think you're not that sexy.

that i'm like sure nothing funny about that i think you're not that sexy that actually makes too much sense nothing funny about that so she goes yeah we were at the tennis the other day and the cameraman came up to us and said we'll put you on camera but you've got to put the face mask on and i said no fuck off you pog i'm not putting the face mask on at all so anyway they just still wanted to put us on the tv so they filmed us anyway and they put us on the tv but they censored our faces what's just like there is absolutely no way that happened that is like the most made-up thing I've ever heard in my life. Like, number one, was watching the tennis heaps, saw heaps of people in the crowd not wearing masks.

Like, you were meant to be, but, you know. And also, as if... I've never seen a pixelated face on a live event. A pixelated face in a sporting arena. Yeah. Like, oh, that must be a Japanese man's genitals watching this game. I was going to go with witness relocation, but anyway, whatever's more relevant to you.

Both work. So, yeah, then she tells us that. And also, yeah, like you were saying, it's like this is halfway through the match and it's an awesome match. Like, it's really close. So, we're wanting to absorb everything that's happening but like also you know kind of like looking past her and being like oh yeah can you just can you shut the fuck up and sit down and just watch this game because it's it's fucking

awesome and so she then is telling me that she owns a hotel in brisbane all right and she's, I'm like, oh, I'm up in Brisbane a bit doing comedy. I'm actually up there in a couple of months doing a show. And she's like, oh, well, look me up, you know. You can stay at the hotel. You can stay at the hotel for free. And I'm like, oh, this is all right. This is not too bad at all. And so we go home.

Sexy Hultons. Sexy Pullman. So we get home and I'm like, okay, I'm going to – I was like, I didn't get the name of the hotel, but she told me her full name. But what is the sexiest hotel in Brisbane? Yeah, what is the – I can track it down that way.

Yeah. Through her surname, YMCA, I was able to track down. But I just put her name into Google. Because she's talking about how she's like a local celebrity. So I'm like, well, if I just put her into Google, I'll be able to reverse engineer and find the hotel. Put her in. First thing that comes up, like the entire first page of Google results,

news stories about her being in court on stalking charges. Oh, my God. So I'm like, oh, maybe I'll just cut this relationship off here. Just imagining staying. I'll help throw her in the pool. Peel, thank you very much. Yeah, I was like, you know, com can be expensive. You know, you're up there for a week doing the festival,

a free hotel, not too bad, but God, at what cost? I'll just do everyone's work for them at home. I reckon if you knew that the first result in Google was stalking charges, you wouldn't tell anyone your full name. I feel like rookie mistake. No, I will say I've seen into the future and I've slightly altered her name in the retelling. Damn.

But I imagine Brisbaneites might still know who I'm talking about, potentially. I've just put Sally Stalking Brisbane, and I'm having a look. Okay. Well, I mean, because the thing about someone who is a crazy stalker is the problem with being a stalker, there's a lot of problems with it. In my opinion, anyway. In my opinion, I think that stalking is like a bad thing. There's a lot of problems with being on In my opinion, anyway. In my opinion, I think that stalking is like a bad thing.

There's a lot of problems with being on the other side of it too. At no point, like, because yes, you're right. If I had stalking charges against me, I wouldn't tell people to Google me.

But if I had stalking charges against me, I would be psycho. Yeah. And I would be like, no, I didn't stalk no one. Yeah, yeah. And it's actually good to just be in the news.

Any publicity is good publicity. And the judge found me guilty and ordered me to be thrown in the pill. It was honestly, so we ended up like leaving and going home and watching the rest of the match at home and we were just like, towards the end of it, we were just more invested in like wanting a certain person to win because it meant that she was getting thrown in the pool yeah like that's

what we were rooting for was the outcome of this would you have gone back so who did win who won who did win medvedev didn't it wasn't medvedev it wasn't medvedev i just the only reason i know is because that's the first game of tennis i ever watched. Right. And I just wanted Medvedev to win because everyone was booing him. Right. And I was like, I want him to win. Right, right. Yeah, but people were booing him because he was being a complete cunt. He'd been a bit of a shithead for the entire time.

That's cool. He's pretty awesome. But this goes back to my... So I'm trying to get over my hatred of the sport of tennis and anyone who enjoys tennis because I used to work in a Ticketek outlet type place in Brisbane and every... Yeah, have you changed the name of the ticketing company

just like Sexy Sally as well? No, it is Ticketek. Look it up. Google it. They're bad it is Ticketek. Look it up. Google it. They're bad. Google Ticketek. By the way, we should say

we're still getting sales reports from Ticketek from a show that we did in April. April. Wow. Our big 500.

Every day. How are the numbers? Not for sales in the last couple of months. But you know what's fucked? They're not going down. That's good. I bought tickets like eight months ago for something through Ticketek.

And I had to go and try and find them in my email the other day. And so just putting Ticketek into the search, it's like, because all that's coming up is just every day's fucking sales report. Every single day we get it. Yeah. Brutal. I want to hit a year. And then on the year anniversary of the show,

that's the day we email them and go, guys, it's been a year. Can you stop sending us these? Can you switch off the robot? Maybe that would have been your job once upon a time, Greg. Well, no, I was just an outlet. So I wasn't working for Ticketek, but the place I was working had a Ticketek computer.

Oh, okay. And we would have, like, any day a sports game went on sale. A sports game. A sports game went on sale you know like a sports game sports event any any event like they call it a hot sale day like when an event went on sale and every single event they basically tell you if there's a line and there's a bunch of people you just go best available and you know and most almost everyone is cool with that turn them through yeah everyone is just like you know the them through, yeah. Everyone is just like, the NRL grand final goes on sale. People are just like,

yep, just best available. Because best available is like, say A and B are all gone, so you just get the first seat. Yeah, they'll literally get you the closest possible seat. And sometimes people want the cheapest seats because they're just like,

oh, we can't afford it, so you can do that. Some people want the cheap seats. There we go. There we go. A lot of people want them. A lot of people want the Harold Holt pool. The cheap seats. There we go. There we go. A lot of people want them. A lot of people want the Harold Holt thing.

But yeah, but like in every game, every concert, every event, everyone was totally cool with just, yeah, yeah, yeah, just whatever I can get. You know, tickets are selling fast. Sometimes they'll be sold out in an hour. Yep. The tennis, an absolute nightmare. Like people come in and go hmm i'm thinking for my seat i would like to sit in section now let's think about the sun oh my god and i'm not kidding

i had multiple like people would constantly be like how much sun will i get in this seat people would like people would be like doing paces across the room they'd be going how wide are the room trying to figure out how far. They'd be going, how wide are the seats? I had people asking what the seats were made of. People trying to reenact the tennis centre in their own house. Trying to do Zapruder film of the tennis. In the visitor centre where I work.

And I'd be sitting there going, they're selling it and people are like, oh, I want ace. Okay, it's gone. It's gone now. And on the hot sale days for tennis, for most games or for most concerts, there'd be a big line and hopefully everyone in that line would get tickets. Tennis is usually the first people and that's it. Because it would just sell out and they'd take 20, 30 minutes.

And then you just couldn't. And then they'd just go, sorry, you've got something. Like, you've got to give me something. And I'm like, there's nothing left. It's sold out. And they're'd just go, sorry, you've got something. Like, you've got to give me something. And I'm like, there's nothing left. It's sold out. And they're like, oh, but there's always tickets available. And they'd complain and complain and complain. And it was the worst.

It was a nightmare. Like, I called in sick when the Australian Open went on sale. I was like, I can't deal with it. So when you say you're trying to get over your hatred of this, it doesn't sound like you're trying particularly hard at the moment. No, like it's bringing up all the old feelings. I have been in that position of,

because I usually take my mum to the tennis most years and I've been in the position of booking tickets and we went once and we had, we were in the sun and I didn't hear

the fucking end of it and then the next time I went to buy tickets, you would think there would be on the map like a little, you'd think they would tell you but so I had to like

get the map and then like do Google Maps of Rod La tell you but so i had to like get the map and then like do google maps of rod laver arena like i had to work out myself like where the sun was going to be yeah it's a fucking night so in that specific thing i can relate to that but the pacing around and what are the seats made of yeah that's fucking unbelievable people talking about whether it's like a hard plastic and whether there's like i I'm like, yeah, I don't know. I don't know. It's a stadium.

It's a seat in a fucking arena. Like, yeah, it's not wood. Look, I don't know whether we can have this in the show, but I'll say it anyway. We'll see. We can always cut this out. Very intrigued. Yeah.

But in terms of ticketing, what I love at the moment is, I won't name any names, but there's, look, we've got a certain fascination on this show for Perth and for Perth comedy. Because I think it's probably the most psychotic scene in the country. Okay, good to know. Full of the craziest people and the craziest interactions. There is a, shall we say, a relationship between two comedy clubs over there at the moment where... I mean, now I changed the name in mine for my own protection. You should have done this.

Just like a... I mean, in... Sexy Scarborough. Broom. In Broom. In Broom. The Broom comedy scene. In the Broom.

Right. The Broom comedy club. When he says Broom, he means Perth, by the way. We'll just bleep that. When he says broom he means boo oh that's worse

wow Carl's really going for it this week so there's the broom comedy club and then the broom laughter shack broom comedy club

every Saturday spend and this is a fact spend well this is what I heard what a downgrade from the from the other comedy Saturday, spend, and this is a fact, spend, well, this is what I heard. What a downgrade. This is what he heard from the other comedy club.

Perth Comedy, I'm Dave Broome. Tuning into the news every night and they're just like, you know, look, this is what I heard. This is what people are saying. This is just a story I just made up. They named a pool after this guy. That's the rumour. This is Bro people are saying. This is just a story I just made up. Okay. They named a pool after this guy. That's the rumour. This is a Broom 2012. This is the project special about it.

Yep. Broom Comedy Club spends Saturday afternoon filling tickets into their basket online of the Broom Laughter Hut over and over for four hours to make sure no one can buy their tickets and sits there for four hours and just sticks tickets in their basket. Oh my God. Because if you haven't checked out yet, the system goes. It's sold out. Hey, they're on hold. And so, you know, the system, like if you say you put tickets in your basket.

It is psychotic. It is absolutely psychotic. I mean, give them all the grief you want, but you know, places like Ticketek and Ticketmaster to their credit, they have systems set up to prevent people from doing that. You know when you go to buy a ticket and then this clock comes up and it's like, you've got two minutes to check out. But if you sit there and then you just keep doing it again

every two minutes, then you can... Yeah, that's true. No, but that's what they're doing. So there is a... This does kick people out and they just keep doing it again and again. Yes, because this person, whoever it is in Broome... Could be anyone in Broome. There's a lot of comedy clubs in Broome.

Yeah. It could be anyone. Big population in Broome. Could be any number of people. A lot of people want to laugh. So there is someone getting on there and opening... Like their laptop is full of windows, all stuffed with tickets in these baskets and for four hours that's all they're doing now the comedy club the the the broom laughter hut only has a capacity of 100

what they're doing is having to put up the capacity to a thousand or two thousand or whatever to try and get around it and they're just opening more and more windows and filling up more and more baskets full of tickets it's absolutely mental because like the logic of it is okay that that show sells two real tickets or whatever yeah people go to that gig they go far out this broom comedy scene is shit and they never come back yeah yeah like they don't automatically just go to the competition they Yes, exactly. They go, this must be what all comedy is. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. And there's enough, not in Broom, but in Broom, there's enough people that two shows could exist. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yes. And they sort of currently do, quite happily. And also, I think the thing that the Broom Comedy Club doesn't realise is, is that the

technology exists so you can see who exactly is doing this. Right. So on the back end, you can see who's doing it. They can check the IP address and stuff. So the sales report comes out like the next day or whatever and goes, you sold, you know, because it's a hundred seater or whatever, you sold, you know, 60 tickets for the show. You sold 60 tickets for the show, and you got 5,000 people that went to buy some tickets and then changed their minds. Oh, did we?

Did we have 5,000 people that wanted to go to comedy and then remembered that the footy was on instead or whatever? The idea of someone on their laptop and the fan is just fucking... It sounds like a jet engine about to take off purely from ticketing purely from just having like a hundred tabs open

but also you're mining bitcoin or something but you're in a comedy club I love the idea that it's like okay well this is the techie

and these are the three people behind the bar and this is the person who sticks tickets in their basket for four hours and then takes them out again. Oh, okay.

No worries. What's that? $30 an hour? Cheers. Nice one. Nice to meet you, Ken. It's a shame if that club was like regularly selling out at 100 people. Like for this to work,

the club needs to be significantly more popular than it already is. But maybe this is the long-term plan of the Broom Comedy Club. So they're just used to doing that. They can fit hundred people in but they're making their capacity a thousand people if they started regularly selling out at a hundred and then one day broom comedy club just stops doing that and then all of a sudden a thousand people are turning up to the broom laughter shack yeah that's the ultimate that's the ultimate switcheroo of the planet. Right, right, right. Just a swarm of angry people. The demand all of a sudden because they can never get tickets to that club,

to the Broome Laughter Shack. It makes people even keener. So then they sell even more. Mel, is comedy in New Zealand as mental as it is over here? Because I get the impression that it's just like, I don't know, maybe this is like, you know, grass is greener kind of stuff, but it's just like, I don't know, maybe this is like, you know, grass is greener kind of stuff, but it just seems like pretty chill and supportive.

Is there anyone left over there or are they all over here doing Have You Been Paying Attention? You've got your own version! Can we come and do your version? Yeah, exactly. Yeah, sure. I don't know. I don't book it.

But it's good. I don't know. I think there's just these dodgy, weird open mic people who can't get gigs and so they start their own gig everywhere, right? Hey, I'm right here. Yeah. That's good, though. I think it's good.

I mean, we're such a small country. We have one comedy club. Right. And then sort of a few others that are going to go. I do see the pictures because you guys, you've got a couple of people who are quite big in stature over here now and then you go back over there and go, oh, I'm popping up at this thing.

And then we'll see a picture of you standing in front of a deli or something doing comedy. And you're like, fuck, can you put it in a normal room or something? I love that deli, man. It's a hot deli. It's a, man. It's a hot deli. It's a hot room. It's a hot deli. No, it's good.

I like it over there. It's fun. Everyone's, you just, I mean, you know everyone. Is everyone normal? Have you got your crazies? Oh, fuck. There's so many, there's crazies. There's so many crazies.

I'm trying to think. Can I say this? Can I, I'll just block this. Can I just say this person's name? Yes, please. You can beat this out. Oh, yes. I like how I'm blocking it out and you say it directly into the mic.

I just fucking leave it in. No, he's quite scary, actually. No, he's so weird. Are you going to bleep this out? We'll bleep the name out. So he did like, we used to have this room called Snatch Comedy. Well, now we need to bleep that out as well. Well, he didn't, like every comedian would have as well so yeah well he didn't he would like

every comedian would have done oh he didn't run yeah yeah oh he just did and i remember he was on and he was like i it was like my second ever gig he was fine and then i think i did i did all right and um he came and asked me to do door for his gig oh wow got spotted. I was being scouted. Were you doing a lot of adding up in your set? You would be great at the door of my gig. Wow, that's such an awesome power play. That is incredible. I was at uni.

He was promising me $30 for an hour of work as in do the door and then watch the show. Now, on the door, did rob sitch come in and buy a ticket and that's how you got have you been paid exactly it no he yeah and then he didn't sell enough tickets to pay me oh and then now he comments on my reviews saying she's so shit oh yeah like there's a like i got a four and a half star review and he was like this i'd see something edgier in the Home and Garden magazine or something like that. And I was like, wow.

And yeah. I love the irony of like not selling enough tickets on the door to pay you for doing the door. But then that also means it's been an easy night's work for you. Exactly. So you probably don't, you know, you don't need that. Yeah. And then he would um also i like that you took that i like that you took that opportunity once it was up and he was like you actually did it it was my second game and i was

like oh i don't really know the comedian maybe i'll just like this is right friendly with everyone yeah but then he would send me photos um he sent me a photo of this girl random girl i was like uh what he's like just thought it'd be funny if a cool girl like you knew that I was having sex with a girl like me. No! No! I was like, oh, that's really cool. Let's rewind to the start of this conversation.

I was like 18 as well. Let's rewind to the start of this conversation where you said, no, New Zealand's all pretty cool. One blinding example. Wow. That is really good. I'm fixated on you'd see edgier stuff in the Home and Garden magazine. It's like the idea that, you know, we assume we know what it is,

but what if you did buy Home and Garden magazine and there's just like a 10-page article on why trans bathrooms shouldn't exist? It's like, what? Yeah, they are really going for it in here. It's absolutely not my goal to be edgy. I don't even know if anyone's seen my comedy. It's literally the least edgy thing ever, and I don't care.

It's a compliment. This is such a trigger word, though, to say his name, I've learned, because I always thought, this guy, you probably don't even know this guy over here. He came over here, and we were all like, oh, man, this guy's crazy or whatever. But then I met another New Zealand comic the other night and I said,

I don't suppose you know the name of this guy? And then said it and said, oh, I've got a great group chat. It's all full of like screenshots of crazy things. Oh, wow. I'll add you in. This could be a good solicitation for the audience because I reckon probably every workplace has some equivalent of this guy that's a bonding

you know someone new comes in or you meet someone in a different office or whatever it is well not even office maybe in a field of expertise like plumbing or yeah just a known thing that when you're around someone that you know probably would have come into contact with this person

and you don't know the person you're meeting very well. And a name that you can drop like this that's an immediate bonding exercise. You work at Woolworths and you meet someone from another, you know, suburb. And you go, oh, I don't suppose you know Wobbsy and Marketing or whatever it is. Yes! Something along those lines. Right. Send us your best examples of them.

Yeah, your bonding. You don't have to give the bonding moment in the in the company or in the industry we we need to we need to compile like a master list of the fuckheads in every field really that bond people like this moment just now we do not know each other particularly well and now i feel like we're yeah you know brothers in arms that to me is like the biggest like i've never heard i've heard a lot of stories about a lot of different comedians or people in any industry i guess but like i've never heard a story that started off with like i was pretty new at comedy

and this guy was like hey i just want to offer you this thing yeah and it hasn't been fucked that hasn't been absolutely fucked and there's not some kind of ulterior motive or it's just genuine. Hey, this joke might be better than this. Hey, you're pretty new. I've got some stuff to tell you. Run. Yeah. Run.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. He's got quite a few tales in this. Guys, you... Before we get to the end, I thought you may have had questions as you walked in.

It was a little bit of a different entrance to my house today. Oh, you want to talk about the blood on the walls? No. Just painting a picture. It's a little bit hard to get in today because there is a... Bad city over here. Yeah.

It's quite a narrow... What is this, Freddie Wicks? What is this, Freddy Wicks? I've got a narrow hallway, and I've got another bed just clogging it up at the moment, so it's a bit hard to get into. So what's happening? I mean, yeah, but I just figured, yeah, you're getting a new bed.

Like, at no point did I go, what the fuck is going on here? Did you ruin my story? no point did I go, what the fuck is going on here? Ruined my story, all right. Well, if you tell it quick like that, I guess it's not that good of a story. And then I looked at the bed and I was like, Dad. What do you want us to say? Oh, you've been having sex on the wall. Sometimes you go into a person's house and it is one of those things where it's like,

if there's something there, they'll tell me. And if not, I'm not going to ask. You're a few mattresses away from your apartment being a padded room. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, what's happening is, so we've got a new bed, but it's not a brand new bed. This is the thing I'm sort of like. A used bed. Yeah. Yes.

I've got an issue with it because it's like, we already have a used bed. The bed we've been sleeping on. Okay. So we've got that and it's a good bed. Yep. It's probably the best bed I've ever had.

It's probably about six or seven years old. So I don't know when... When do beds wear out? I don't know. Like, how long do you have a bed for? I think you need...

Aren't you meant to... Your mattress, at least, you're meant to replace... Is it five years? Is it? I don't know. Sounds replace. Is it five years? Is it? I don't know. Sounds right. Five years is pretty short for such a huge thing.

That sounds like something my mattress company is trying to tell you. Yes. Yes. Well, you know, it depends how much you're putting it through its paces. Coming in a week later. By putting it through its paces, do you mean shitting in it every night yeah yeah

yeah that's right that's right that's great the alpha guy taking his mattress back to 40 winks after like a month and being like

worn it out mate yeah also what else you got also I like the fact that you're only changing your bed after five years

of shitting in it every night it's the mattress's fault is it still warrantied I'm four years into shitting in it every night. It's the mattress's fault. Is it still warrantied? I'm four years into shitting into it, but I've still got a year's warranty on this bed. 40 winks, more like 40 wipes.

Jesus fucking Christ. Very nice. All right, so we're getting this used bed. Now, there's absolutely nothing wrong with the bed, and my wife has been saying, oh, how about we get this other bed? We get this other bed to replace it. And I'm like, I'm fine with this bed. There's no problem. And then we're going to have to fuck around.

You're right. Going out and getting like a new bed, great event. Getting a nice, crisp, freshie. You know, you're going to get your full use out of it. But replacing your current bed with just a different used bed. A soiled bed. Yeah, it's like, what's the point? And also, you know, even with a brand new bed, pain in the ass,

because it's like, it's one of those great things where my wife will be like, oh, okay, let's do this. And it's like, by us, do you mean me? Absolutely. Yes, that's what I mean. And so, you know, I'll be dragging everything in, whatever. And I don't want, like I said, I don't want that to happen. I'm sleeping on a bed that's five, six years old.

It's fine. It's absolutely fine. So then she's taken all of those things as meaning, okay, full speed ahead, let's do this. So then this bed's come in. Now, like I said, it's not brand new. This adds to why I don't want it. Do you know where that bed has come from? That was going to be my big question.

It's her mum and dad's bed. Oh. Yeah. We're now sleeping on her mummy and daddy's bed. Yeah, that's okay. Is that weird? It's a bit, well. I mean, yes, if you say mummy and daddy.

I mean, yes, if you say mummy and dad. The act of sleeping in the bed itself, I don't think is... I'm more interested in the mechanics of this. Of why this is happening, why we have it. Why are they getting rid of their bed? How did this all come to pass? Has their bed got some crazy features or some kind of thing to it that's like, oh man, this is a crazy good bed. No.

My wife's dad is, you know, lovely bloke, but just a bit odd. And he's got this new, he's got this bed and then just decided one day at the age of 85

or whatever he is, he's like, no, this bed sucks. This is no good, this bed. Which then means, oh cool,

we'll have it. Are they migrating into the two singles no no he's just decided he can't sleep in it and so then he's gone that's it i'm getting rid of the bed get this bed out of my house yep and so instead of i hate it but it's just good enough for my son-in-law whose name i can't remember yes exactly all of that so then i have to cop it and then chuck out the bed I like yep out into the fucking street and deal with hard rubbish and do all that sort of shit

but as long as it's out of his sight so you know what the you know what would make the one thing that could make this weirder I take your old bed it is look

you're sleeping in your father-in-law's bed don't and now I'm sleeping in my podcast co-host's bed. But you curl up in the middle? You don't sleep in it like that? You curl up in the middle? I would never let that happen because, I mean, don't have too much of a look at it on the way out

because it is quite heavily stained, the mattress. Really? Yeah, look, and it's because... Fucking hell. It's because... It's because of poos and weenies. Every, like if you look on Facebook Marketplace, It's because of poos and weenies. If you look on Facebook Marketplace,

everyone who's trying to sell a mattress is very defensive of their stains. They're always like, it's not cum. It's sweat. It's dark sweat. I'm a big sweater, okay? It's so funny to me to read an ad that says it's not come and still buy whatever it is that they're selling. But they're pleading with you that it's not come. Saying it's not come and then they've got the all-nearest offer

at the end of the price and you're like, I've got them over a barrel here. Please don't bring a blue light anyway. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, because if it is come, it's like, man, I've made a... There's a weird hotspot, Matt, of where I've come in the mattress over the years because it's just... I will say I went to, I think it was Captain Snooze once to get a new pillow because mine was like so stained from just like my head at night.

And my girlfriend at the time was like, this is disgusting. You've got to go and get a new pillow. And I went in and I was talking to the guy and I was like, yeah, I don't know. I mean, I haven't had it for that long, but it's like, it's disgusting. And he's like, oh, well, it's actually a fact that men sweat in their sleep more than women. And I was like, I tell people that as if it's just gospel. And I'm like, this guy could have just fucking, he could be, you know, also just be a sweaty man. You know what I mean?

It's just like, just taking the guy at Captain Snooze is just... You know how well you could be dressed as? I don't know what Captain Snooze is just... You know how well you could be dressed as? I don't know what Captain Snooze looks like, but I feel like it's you. Really not far off. Really not. Just need the big beard and I'm set. Yeah.

Wasn't Captain Snooze actually somebody who was... Yeah, it was Rod Quantock. Really? Yeah, that's right. Rod Quantock, yeah. He's called Captain Snooze, but he wasn't dressed as a captain. He had the old bed hat on. You know the bed hat on that no one's actually ever worn outside of cartoons and whatever.

I've been thinking about getting one. You don't hold a little candle on a plate? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like they should be combining with the pancake parlor for some reason. They've got the same sensibilities, I think. Do you remember Schuster's joke about Captain Snooze? No. What was it?

Wasn't it? I just remember I liked it and it was a Captain Snooze joke. It's something about the rank of captain. Yeah. Was he a Mr. Snooze? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because you're right. He's not wearing any kind of military gear or anything.

But he's tucked up in bed. Maybe he's got like the patches on his arm. Also, who's buying from Captain Snooze? Why don't you go straight to the top? Go to Admiral Snooze

or whatever. Maybe that was the joke. Why don't you go to God Snooze? God Snooze. It doesn't get any higher up than that. In the military.

And he's literally on the clouds. How comfy is that for a bed? God Snooze is the one who hits the button for the missiles in the army. Yeah. How comfy is that for a bed? God snooze is the one who hits the button for the missiles in the army. The almighty snooze.

God snooze. So this is happening. You can't stop the train now. First night. Well, that's the old mattress in the hallway. Oh, that's the old one in the... Oh, right. Okay.

Yeah. So we're in the mummy and daddy bed now. Fuck. Yeah. I'm just not super comfortable with it. I don't know. And then... So did you investigate like what side they both slept on? But does that... Or does that make any... the mummy and daddy bed now. Fuck. Yeah, I'm just not super comfortable with it. I don't know. Did you investigate what side they both slept on?

Or does that make any difference? How long did they have this new bed for before they decided they were getting rid of it? Not that long. See, now it's starting to sound like not too bad. Yeah. I mean, if she was conceived in the bed. Oh, my Lord. Well, the other thing is,

is because they're, you know, they're older. Like my wife is the youngest by far slash accident of the family. So, so then

they're an older couple but I know that stuff's still going on because my wife found like a Kama Sutra copy out there one day. Like floating around. Not,

not out in the, not out in the shed. Not out in the shed or anything, like not in deep storage, but, you know, in a place where it could be in usage. Yeah, right. You should have asked them to chuck that in with the bed. Yeah, well, maybe. You got yourself a deal. Maybe. Maybe if we put the blue light on here, it might be more stained than the old one.

I don't know. So are you bringing this up hoping that maybe a podcast listener wants your old bed? No. I love this because a lot of podcasts have mattress sponsorships and you are just literally trying to get rid of your bed. Yeah.

I guarantee you there's a listener that absolutely wants your bed. They were already sending an email to Carl saying, can I have your bed? But they were like three minutes into the episode. And then this has come up. They're like sending an email to Carl saying can I have your bed but they were like three minutes into the episode and then this has

come up they're like oh what a nice coincidence. It all works out. They're like oh fuck now we've got competition

other people are going to be going to have to fight people off for this fucking bed. Going to have to get on the bed's website and put

a few mattresses in the cart and just not check out. So now my father-in-law I was going to say stepfather that's not what it is my father-in-law, I was going to say stepfather, that's not what it is. My father-in-law, he sleeps in that bedroom and because that bed's been there for a while, he's like, I hate that bed. I'm not sleeping in it anymore.

So he's moved downstairs to the spare room. So he hates the new bed? He hates that bed that is now gone. Okay, right, right, right. So that was the new bed that's been offloaded to us yep but he hated that so much he moved out of his own bedroom and went i'm staying in the spare room from now on okay and so now he's been staying in the spare room waiting for the new new bed to be delivered right and now he's decided at the age of 85

he likes the spare room better than the master bedroom it sounds like uh they're trying like they've had a fight and they're trying to like just make up oh reverse engineer it shit well now we have to buy a new bed to like explain why i was sleeping downstairs yeah we can't break our adult kids's hearts by telling them we've gotten divorced at the age of 80 so now they're i think he's had to move the wife down there into the spare room oh my god now they've they've gone from like their lovely nice big bedroom into like the little storage room downstairs just because of this bed but he's like no no now i'm used to being downstairs so now i'm down there in the shit single bed that

we're all snuggled up in inside of or whatever so i was like oh god this is it's all it's all a big fucking drama i don't need to be part of yeah but you are you're sleeping in the bed you're sounds like to me though like when you're like if you're 85 you've been living in a house for a long time like it would just be kind of exciting to be like oh we're in a new room right like literally you'd just be like oh there's a new room now yeah than oh, we're in a new room. Right. Literally, you'd just be like, oh, there's a new room now. Yeah. Than the room we slept in forever. I remember growing up in both sets of my grandparents

sleeping in single beds and being a little kid and being like, oh, that's weird. Like, what? That's so depressing. And then now I'm like, already I'm like, let's get that going. Two single beds in our room, I love it. Yeah. He is lovely, but he has some very strange oddities.

Now, this is how he eats breakfast. I will regularly, like when it's the day to bring my child out there to hang out with her grandparents, I will walk in at eight o'clock in the morning and they'll be having breakfast and my mother-in-law will be sitting at the table like a normal person

and that's what tables have been designed for and everything. He also doesn't like the table. I don't know whether he doesn't like every table. He doesn't seem to like anything that's designed for what it's supposed to do for some reason. Your in-laws sound like George Costanza's parents. Yes. Yes.

That's good. He doesn't like the table. Yeah. So this is what, this is how my father-in-law eats breakfast. He pulls out the cutlery drawer. Oh, nice.

In the bench. Yep. Then puts a chopping board on top of it. Standing desk. Same. DIY. And then puts his cereal

or whatever on top of that. Then puts the seat up to it. But of course, that doesn't sort of really match it. So then puts his cereal or whatever on top of that, then puts the seat up to it. But of course, that doesn't sort of really match it. So then it has to put cushions under it and whatever. So I come into this fucking absolute, whatever you call it, those crazy,

you know, what are those crazy inventions called? The Rube Goldberg. The Rube Goldberg invention. Yes, yes. This is the thing though. You become a dad, you just go mental. There's no 20-year-old who's thinking this is an effective way to eat breakfast.

There's just something about the title of dad being bestowed upon you that makes you go, I'm just going to start doing fucking weird experiments around the house. He does that and everyone else goes, oh, I need a spoon for my cereal. Oh, well, I guess I'm eating rice bubbles with my hands this morning.

I can't interrupt the table over there. Yeah, I love it. This guy sounds awesome. It's crazy. That is actually psycho. It is. That is the most psycho thing. It is crazy.

Everything that's been said today, that is psycho. Honestly, sexy Sally seems normal. This episode has just been a freak show. I don't want to condone it, but I can understand what stalking is. You know what I mean? I can understand what you're trying to achieve. You can envision the mindset of why someone is going about it. I can understand what that mind is.

Yes. I can't understand. Hating a table. Hating a table, so pulling out a drawer and putting a cutting board on it. On top of cutlery, then the chair not fitting, and so having to change the chair to make that fit. And that you would go, this is better. This is better than the table.

Is it all tables or is it this specific, like if your mother-in-law bought a new table, that would be awesome to watch him interact. Like those children who've been raised by wolves

and then they come back into civilized society and they're having to work out how to live. Just him kind of sitting down and like feeling it out. It's like playing the Sims when you like buy

and then they just like sleep in the child's bed for some reason. And then they go. Yeah. Let's remove the shower and see what happens. He's, I don't know. Yeah, I don't know. He really hates that.

I don't know whether it's all tables or that table, but I do know that every family meal I've ever had up there is a thing where he doesn't sit to the table. He refuses. He does everything he can to not sit there. And we'll sit there and eat like Christmas lunch. Christmas? Yeah.

Full ham. Full ham on the cutlery drawer. The time where everyone needs cutlery. There's so many people. So many different kinds of cutlery too. Who's got the longest fingernails? All right, you're carving the turkey. Oh, my God.

Yeah, that's so... But he's doing everything he can to not sit at the table. And it will be a bit like Costanza's where my mother-in-law will be, like, yelling and going, you need to sit down at the table. And him doing everything he can to to sit down at the table and him doing everything he can to not sit down at the table like i'm just going i think we need more toilet paper in the spare uh bathroom so i'm just doing that first it's like what are you talking about one o'clock on christmas day it's the best advertisement for having a child as a man is

to just like you just get to be fucking mental as soon as you're a dad you can just fucking go off the deep end. Well, I don't know how early he started doing all this sort of stuff. I'm actually, I'm having people over for dinner tonight and there's been like a late inclusion for, you know,

just this friend of ours. We're like, oh, we should get her in too. We don't quite have enough room at our table for five people. Can you please do it and just don't? I think we have to.

Like, because we don't have enough chairs. So at the moment, I was like going like, oh, I'll just get the stool from my drum kit and I can just sit have to. Because we don't have enough chairs. So at the moment I was going like, oh, I'll just get the stool from my drum kit and I can just sit on that. That'll be easy enough. But yeah, if I'm just standing at the cutlery drawer. Don't sit.

You need to sit. He sits. He sits. He's got a chair with the cushions on it. Even better, I'm on a drumming stool at the cutlery drawer. But you'll need to put cushions on top of that because no normal chair will fit to sit and eat at a cutlery drawer because why has anyone ever needed a seat to fit to that specification? So you need to get a seat and then modify the seat as well.

Okay, that's good. Because also the layout of my kitchen, people won't be able to see me. I'll be behind the little island thing. Yes, yes. So that's's good. Because also the layout of my kitchen, people won't be able to see me. I'll be behind the little island thing. Yes, yes. So that's also good. Yeah. So they only see you if they get up to get a drink or anything like that. Yeah.

Yeah. Okay. Yeah. See if you can do that and see enough. Get away with it. Yeah, and not mention it. Not say anything. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

And if they do ask, you just have to have a very reasonable answer for what it all is. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. All right. Well, we'd better leave it there for another week on the little dum-dum club. Otherwise, we're going to get... Something will remind us of some other freak we've seen out in the world,

and that's going to be another 25 minutes. Yeah, we'll start naming more open micers that we have to bleep out later in the episode. It's a real travelling circus, this episode. Roll up, roll up. Get a load. Come and see the crazy open... The bearded man.

Yeah, the freaky open mic-er. Yeah. Mel Bracewell, Greg Larson, thank you so much for joining us. Thank you. No worries. You've got your little telly show on. Yeah. The cheap seats.

What nights? Tuesdays. At? At eight. It's always different, but like 8.40-ish. Right. Depends on whatever show is on beforehand. Yes.

I watched, I'm not a big TV watcher, but it was on before the soccer the other day, so I watched it and it was very good. Oh, thank you. Man, it is dance full of jokes. It is. There is a lot. Dance full of jokes.

Well, it is. That's what I'm saying. Oh, it's happening. He's getting the chopping board out. It's a heavy show. Some shows are like, oh, a joke will be good every now and then. It's like, you guys are like. Yeah, we definitely edit out the clangers.

Oh, right. Yeah. I always think about how in Steve Martin's biography, autobiography, he's like, yeah, when we wrote The Jerk, we were really strict with ourselves about how many jokes. We had a rule that there had to be a joke per page. Right. It's like, what a different time.

Yeah. What a leisurely page. Yeah. A jokely page. I like the idea too, Carl, that you don't enjoy comedy on a level of just enjoying it and laughing. Just sitting there going, yeah, good hit rate.

Just like, can't you watch our LPM jokes? Last per minute, yeah, we've got some good LPMs on this one. God, my mother-in-law's weird there with a stopwatch

and a little like marking down. Sorry, I'm sorry some good LPMs on this one. God, my mother-in-law is weird there with a stopwatch and a little marking down. Sorry, I'm sorry that you're enjoying the person who comes in eighth in the 100 metres final of the Olympics.

Sorry, mate. Oh, I like what he's doing. He's doing some interesting things at the rear there. And Gaggy, what have you got going on to plug?

When will this come out? The next week? Yeah, the next week. Before August 5th? Yeah. Yeah, August 5th and 6th, I'll be in Perth. Oh, yes.

Oh, yes. Oasis Comedy Club. Yeah. Yeah. I'll be there. Book a thousand tickets to see Greg at Oasis Comedy Club. I'll be there. I mean, if you get up to Broome, that is.

I think it's the 5th and 6th. It's the Friday, Saturday anyway. Yeah, you're doing the weekend there. Yeah, we were just there. We mean, if you get up to Broome, that is. I think it's the 5th and 6th. It's the Friday, Saturday anyway. Yeah, you're doing the weekend there. Yeah, we were just there. We talked about it the other week. It was great fun. So much fun. Yeah, I haven't been to Perth in a long time.

Yeah. So I'm really keen to go there. Giggie, very funny bone. So get up to see Giggie in Perth. Yeah, go check all that out. Guys, thanks very much for listening, and we'll see you next time. See you, mates. And they've done it again. Oh, they have much for listening and we'll see you next time. See you, mates. And they've done it again.

Oh, they have. The boys and girls there have done it once more. Mel's third appearance and she's done the trifecta. Zoom, live,

studio. Oh, yeah, she has two. Might be one of the first people to do a studio episode last. She's done the Grand Slam. All the majors.

Yep. Yeah. Very funny. Very funny, Mel. And Gigi. But yeah, thanks to them. Go and support their bullshit. But yeah, lovely.

Lovely work. Go see Gigi in Perth if you're over there. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Weird coincidence. What did we talk about? I can't remember. We talked about that lady that I met watching the tennis from Brisbane.

Any loose ends? Not really. Yeah, we talked a lot about Perth. I've got to remember after we do this to bleep a name out. Oh, yeah. Yeah, you better do that. Yeah, absolutely. It's my task for the rest of the day.

Yeah. Ripping a beep sound effect off a YouTube clip or whatever. Yes, that'll be fun. Yeah, all fun. What have we got as homework? Like I said at the top of the show, we never plug this, but we've got the merch still. Go and check out our website and find some T-shirts that we've got there. We just went to Perth and sold a bunch of them over over there so people are still keen on all that sort of stuff um just we're down to um

you know what i'm really happy about this tommy i think we've we're down to our last ever female sized aware t-shirt great never printing female sizes again the bane of our existence fucking awful yep um i think we've got maybe one or two left for Talking Dumb Dumb. So, yeah, we've only got a couple of Talking Dumb Dumb shirts that we won't get reprinted. So get onto that, guys, if you enjoy this segment of the show. What else? This is something I've put up on socials today as we've recorded this, Tommy, but I love this. Have you seen these ads around the city?

The M&Ms getting into comedy? M&Ms? The M&Ms getting into comedy? M&Ms. The M&Ms. Okay. The chocolate, the M&Ms, are running a comedy comp. Yes. That is specifically... Is it a comp?

I think it's a comp. I believe it's a comp. I believe it's like a get on and vote for your favourite. But, you know, you see it and you go, oh, cool, like a stand-up, like a live thing. And this is a real sign that we're being aged out of the biz. It's all TikTok. It's all like online creators. Yeah.

Yeah. And I believe a friend of the show is maybe, I don't know, a judge or something like that? Oh, really? Yeah. Yeah. Okay. I don't think that's been announced or anything, but I believe because that friend of the show then went, oh, do you want to get involved?

I'm like, man, I'm obsessed with M&M's. I want to be involved in M&M's comedy. Yeah. And then they're like, nah, because I think this friend of the show is going to be like a mentor or something. And it's like. Even better. Yeah.

I know. Look, I know. But then he. He should be wanting this to. Or she. He or she. Should be. They should be wanting this to happen because then if you win and they're meant to be mentoring that's fucking an easy gig for them yeah they just get

to go out to lunch with their friend yeah they don't have to sit with some kid and tell them you know yeah how the biz works i know but they're like uh i don't think you i don't think you can get away with this i don't think you can get away with it and plus all the the people i'll be up against on this um on the you know on the tram signs and all like 21. Yeah. But also they've got like QR codes that go through to their Tik TOKs. It's like, yeah, I don't have any of that.

Yeah. All I've got is like one clip of me saying duck sandwich online somewhere. And that's about it. That's it. But I mean, that should get me if that one, that should get me. That'd be great.

You know, but what I'm loving is sorry, but this is a comedian in Sydney apparently, but I fucking, what a handle on her it's considering this part of the show yep at jess well now i know what you're thinking yeah spell it out if you see hs fuchs fuchs let's say it's fuchs jess Fuchs comedy. Yeah. Yeah. But. At Jess Fuchs comedy. So hearing it, but seeing it typed out. Yeah. And the H, you know, from a distance, if you don't have the best eyesight, the H can be

a bit, you know. Yeah. And if you're German, you know, maybe you pronounce it differently. Yeah. I don't know. Yeah. It does look like Jess fucks comedy, which is right up our alley on this part of the show.

Well, you, you know, you said you don't have a TikTok account. Yeah. You could get one now and enter it, at CarlFucksComedy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. That's not bad at all. Oh, man, it's so good.

Because you can take that either way. You know, it could be like... Oh, you know, when you fuck comedy, you can take it either way. You're right. Well, yeah, exactly. You could either have, you know, you've fucked it. You've done it really bad.

Or it's like, you fucking made comedy your bitch. Yeah. You really... This is how good... fucking made comedy, you bitch. Yeah. You really. This is how good. Not everyone gets to fuck comedy. Yeah. But I do because I'm so funny. Carl hoses out comedy.

Yeah, yeah. Carl cream pies comedy. At Carl hits the back walls of comedy. Yeah. Carl barebacks comedy. Well, let us know if you're listening, if you've entered the M&M's comedy competition, if you're, hey, maybe you're into it.

Maybe you've been following it along. Maybe you've been seeing those tram ads and being like, yeah, I've got to check out this account. Now, should we mention this? Speaking of being online, of on the socials, but we had a bit of back and, I had a bit of back and forth with one of the greats. I believe the biggest name in comedy in 40 years.

Well, this is a whole, I was going to say this, this is a whole regular episode in and of itself. I know. But I'm happy to burn it here. Yeah, I don't know. Well, maybe I should save it. I don't know. What do you say?

Who have we got coming up? I don't think anyone we've got coming up is really appropriate. Yeah. Let's just talk about it briefly on this bit okay yeah because we talked about there might be some

developments yeah years and years and years ago I think we did talk about this slightly but the biggest comedian in the last 40 years

is what he says but ostentatious every now and then this has happened twice in I don't know the last 6 or 7 years or something he just finds our

profile online and just starts fucking hanging shit on us. Yeah, trolling us. And then I'll go back and then he's like, stop hassling me and blocks me and then blocks every other dumb dumb fan that goes him or whatever. Yeah, yeah. He loves to accuse people of anti-Semitism. Anyone that's dicking around with me online is immediately an anti-Semite. Yeah, yeah.

It's like just because people hate me. Which you are, but he doesn't know that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Nothing that you've said has been anti-Semitic to you. Yeah, he doesn't have any proof. Yeah. Yes. I mean, the stuff that you say before the mics are on.

Yes. But he would never have heard that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You just going, you're an old cunt. That's like he's, you know. Yeah. No, I'm not saying that. I didn't even hang any shit on him at all.

Like this, what he's actually. What did he say? What was the comment on our thing? Oh, what was it? It was something. It was. I saw it and I couldn't even. I didn't.

It didn't even really make sense to me. Yeah, it was something like, oh, yeah, great work, guys. You're really, really good stuff here or whatever. It was like the same thing he did the last time. It was like, oh, God, if this is funny, this should be the first time ever. You're right. It did say something like another great episode or something like that. But it's, of course, you know, you cannot convey sarcasm in text.

So I read it and I was like, you know what? I'm going to have a positive mentality here. I'm going to choose to take this at face value and assume that he has listened to a funny episode of the podcast and gone, you know what? I had the wrong idea about these boys. Heading into my 40th year in comedy, it's time to change my tune a little bit. I just don't understand how he's found us or why he knows of us or anything like that. I don't get it.

Did we talk about, I feel like maybe we talked about him at one point or another like years ago or did – yeah, I can't remember what order it all happened in. I don't think we did. I don't know. I don't know why every now and then he just – He gives a fuck about what two shit kickers are doing on the podcast. Yeah, he's like it. Just every – whatever. Every hundred years he just comes out of the sewer and starts trying to –

That is a great photoshop that someone I would love to see that meme of Pennywise in the sewer but it's Austin Dacus yeah get on it get on it

photoshop wizards at home I want to see that by close of business today yeah and tag him into it yeah okay I don't know about that

you only get one shot yeah because you'll block you but yeah for some just that horrible way of fighting online where it's like you're a cunt and you go what and it's like blocked like well sorry man i just i engage what was i supposed to do he does seem to fucking love the block button from what i from what i see i wonder if i am blocked by him is he on Is he on Instagram? Yeah, he's on everything. That's a lot of cool stuff. For anyone that doesn't know,

for anyone that's only been in comedy for 38 years, Ostentatious, he's the weird thing. He's... What is he? He thinks he's the best and whatever. I've actually seen him do stand-up before once. I emceed for him, Tommy. Do you know that?

I emceed for him in the headline. And I found him quite funny. Like, he's not all there, but he's very famous for that single that was written for him by Billy Birmingham called Australiana and it's all full of, like, what would... Puns. Yeah. What would...

Oh, watch out. Here comes Ballarat or... Yeah, go, Anna. Yeah, Warnham Bull. What? Just like, just town names and it's all fitting into conversations. Like a nursery rhyme. It's like for children.

Yeah. But it was really big in 1983 or something. Yeah, when people were stupid. When comedy hadn't been invented for another two years, I believe. So that was the closest thing that they had at that point. I was born in 86, so three years away. Three years away from the birth of comedy. I came out, the doctor slapped me on the ass,

and I pointed at my mother's womb and I said, I've been self-isolating for nine months. Your mother's vagina sounded like a whoopee cushion as you came out. That's it, this kid has got the gift. Actually, Carl, I was a cesarean. Oh, okay. So there you go. I'm a gold star. Right.

So, yeah, that was his big hit. But then everything else he's done has been not that sort of thing. He did that and then he's just kind of been touring around since, right? Yeah, being really like, being, you know know an angrier somehow version of me on stage just him being like going fucking crazy about everything a lot of regional stuff a lot of rsls but yeah i do and man i don't know i almost didn't want to talk about it because it's like yeah if if he's already if he's already got an issue just by us existing it's like him fucking listening it's like i don't want to get fucking hassled on social sure but we haven't said anything negative about him yet have we sort of i'm

just saying what what it is i think i think he would assume that even this is negative sure yeah i've actually got no complaints about it like i i would love to have him on the show because it would be fucking bizarre we were talking about i'm not even going i'm not even going the cheap option of going oh you know oh he sucks he's not funny or whatever it was like. Like, the time I saw him, I was quite amused by him. I enjoyed it. And this, like, trolling us and then blocking anyone who talks to him and calling someone an anti-Semite just because they've trolled him back.

That's funny. Yes. That's really funny. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, we were talking about this off-air and maybe we should's really funny. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, we were talking about this off air and maybe we should make it public. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Austin, if you're listening. Yes.

Open invitation. Yes. We get to, I mean, we need another co-host, another co-guest. I think they would be essentially co-hosting with us for that episode. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, so. It wouldn't be like us going, so Josh, what have you been up to? It would just be like. Yes. All hands on deck. Yes, yes. It wouldn't be like us going, so Josh, what have you been up to? It would just be like all hands on deck.

Yes, yes. Help us. Yes. Help us corral this. Just get the water out of this sinking ship. Absolutely. But look, if you're listening. What's that called?

Tilling or something. Yeah, I don't know. Something like that. Maybe Austin knows. And yeah, if you're listening, if word has gotten back to you, if someone in at Tayshia's headquarters has heard this and, you know. If someone wants to ring the receptionist at Tayshia's productions, which is my tip, Austin Tayshia's in a funny voice.

Well, hey, look, we can find out. Maybe, look, hey, maybe, because a few people have pointed this out on the socials when we've been posting about this during the week. Maybe our third co-host for the episode could be our friend Mike Goldstein. I think it would be an excellent idea. It's like, well, here's one. We get him in the Yamaka and he's like spinning a dreidel when Austin comes in. Just so it's like, hey, look.

I mean, would two anti-Semites be hanging out with a guy like this? At least it's even. Yeah. Two versus two. Yeah. Yeah. That's this. At least it's even. Yeah. Two versus two. Yeah. Yeah. That's fine, isn't it? Yep.

Yeah. I like that idea of like that Goldstein would be on his side. Well, we don't know. He might, I mean, you know, he might kind of Trojan horse us. Look, if he turned, if Goldstein turned on us, if Goldstein walked away going like, yeah, I'm with Austin. Fuck you guys. Maybe. Yeah, fair enough. Maybe he's like, yeah, I'm with Austin, fuck you guys. Maybe.

Yeah, fair enough. Maybe he's just – I just thought of this then, the anti-Semite sort of thing. Maybe he's just seen my name, Carl, with a K and thought, well, there you go, German. Oh, he's one third of the way there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Maybe that's it. He's revving up. Yeah.

That's not – yeah, yeah, okay. All right. So maybe we could talk about this with him on the air. Yep. Yeah, yeah. Imagine that. Imagine how tense the room would be. That's the most – we've had some tense episodes. yeah yeah okay alright so maybe we could talk about this with him on the air yep imagine that imagine how tense the room would be that's the most

we've had some tense episodes before where we've gone where me and you haven't enjoyed the show because some guests some maybe a famous

guest has been on has not really been trying or couldn't give a fuck or trying to warm them up and they're not like it's not working

or they're just like outwardly going like, why the fuck did you say that? Yes. Yes. All that sort of stuff. And you tense up. I'll never forget a certain guest looking me in the face and saying, is that the end

of that story? Oh, that felt good. Yep. Yep. Yep. Anyway, we had. A free cookie to whoever can, if that sticks in anyone's memory, if you can let us know in the Patreon group. A free cookie coming your way.

Really? A free cookie? I'll send them a cookie. I tried to get a cookie up at my favourite regular place near your house today and they were fresh out. Really? And they said... We did this relatively early.

You were here at 11am. That's early to be out of cookies. I know. And I said... Pre-lunch on a Tuesday. I said, you don't have any cookies out the back? Because I know sometimes they've been cooking them as you're there. And they go, oh, they're actually in the oven.

They're just four minutes away. I'm like, I can wait four minutes. And they go, no, they have to cool down for 30 minutes after that. I'm like, okay, well, then I'm going. They've looked at you and they've thought, this is like that fucking woman suing McDonald's. He wants it now, but then this guy looks litigious. I have done the thing where I've gone, I can't wait.

It's fine. I can, you know, I'll cool down the cookie by myself, whatever. And they've given me the cookie before it's cooled down. And it's a fucking mess. It just falls apart. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a fucking nightmare. Yeah, it's to solidify.

I get why you've got the 30 minutes. Also, nothing worse than fucking burning your mouth with food that's too hot. Something that you've cooked that you just can't wait. That's not even the chance of that happening. The biscuit needs to cool down to even be solid. It's like a fucking liquid biscuit if you get it straight out of the oven. So you've got to go have another crack after this. Well, I said that.

I said they go four minutes away. I've got a big roofing appointment. I'll be about two hours. Yeah, yeah, four minutes away. Such a weird conversation. She goes, they're four minutes until they come out of the oven. I said, great, I can wait.

She goes, well, then they have to cool for 30 minutes. I said, okay. And I started edging at the door and she goes, so you'll be back then? And I said, I'll see how I go. And she goes so you'll be you'll be back then and i said i'll see how i go and she goes i'll save them for you i went okay and she goes there's only two in there why are you cooking two cookies yeah only two bizarre place what is going on in there it was a very weird business i went to um alimentari yesterday to get lunch. What's that? It's a little deli

near here. They do a really good schnitzel wrap. And I thought they'd called out schnitzel for Tom. So I went in and I was like,

hey, is that my, did you say schnitzel for Tom? And she goes, no, I said cappuccino for Don. Oh, okay. I need my hearing tested.

What are the odds? Did you take it? Did you get your cappuccino? I was like, oh yeah, actually, I've changed my mind. That's what I... I'd rather have a coffee instead of a sandwich. That's what I said. And my name is Don.

Yeah, yeah. I wish my name is Don. That would be fucking awesome. Don. Anyway, Sandy... Don Spaghetti-o. That's you. Yep.

If you're listening... Yep. Sandy... Open invite. Where does he live? Is he in Melbourne? No. I don't think... I believe he's you. Yep. If you're listening, open invite. Where does he live? Is he in Melbourne? No, I don't think. I believe he's Sydney.

So we'd have to travel up. No, but he's always on the road. True. He's Australia's hardest working comedian, according to him. We'll meet you wherever. Rudy Hill RSL. No. You name the venue.

He'll be down here. He'll be down here. Look, I'm sure we could look up right now. I'm going to Google it and see what he's got coming up. So we have a timeline for this. What if it's like tomorrow night? He's doing down here. Look, I'm sure we could look up right now. I'm going to Google it and see what he's got coming up. So we have a timeline for this. What if it's like tomorrow night? He's doing a show. I reckon he'd be doing a fair bit of regional or outer suburban stuff.

Nothing CBD. Wherever he can... I've got the idea. I reckon he pretends to be... He probably pretends to be someone else saying, I am the manager of austin tatius and then i i'm gonna i've heard this before apparently they they whoever this is hits up the venues and goes oh the biggest committee in 40 years it's gonna sell out it's gonna go crazy

here's my fee they believe it he comes in no one comes burns that venue for comedy, and then moves on. So it doesn't play the same venue twice. Right, right. He's got... Fuck, where is this? Next gig. He's got some dates from... He's got to be in Victoria soon. He's got some dates from January.

Okay, here we go. Now we're going to... Got to be some Victoria. February, August. Okay. What are we looking at? We've got Friday, August the 12th, Lara Victoria and Bannockburn Railway Hotel.

Oh, the heart of comedy. Saturday, August the 13th, the same venue. Oh, residency. What's that? Next weekend. Yeah. The 12th and the 13th, he's going to be in Victoria. And then Saturday, August...

Lara's sort of just outside of Geelong, isn't it? Or part of Geelong? I think Lara's near the airport. Oh, is it? Yeah. We used to take our dog there to a kennel when we'd go away when I was growing up. And then Saturday, August the 20th, he's at Boorawa. I don't know where that is.

Ex-services club. That's probably not Victoria. That's another week away. That sounds New South Wales. So, okay. Oh, so while he's here, look, this is a long-standing, I guess, offer. But, you know, in the next week, I mean, feel free, listeners, to not hassle him. Because he's obviously one of Australia's greatest comedians.

Don't be anti-Semitic when you're asking him to come and do this podcast. Yes. Be pro-Semitic. Yeah. So, as one of the chosen people, you've now been chosen to be a person on the Little Dom-Dom Club. Yep. Yeah.

The long trek from Lara to the city, it's like Moses walking through the desert. Yeah. All right, that'll do. We can, we can, we'll see what happens. Yeah. Happy to, happy to. We've put it out there. We've put it out into, we've done a bit of the secret.

We've put it out into the universe. We're trying to be positive. This is happening. I'll make sure I don't... Keep that weekend open. Maybe we could go and do support. Maybe he... Oh my god. We think we've had deaths on stage before.

I reckon that would be horrific. I reckon we'd go badly. What? But why? Sorry, I should say, I would not be backing myself to do well. But why? Can't really put it into words.

Do you really think he's got some sort of crazy fan base that will like him and not like you? Because I don't think there's going to be some sort of loyal fan base there. I think it's going to be... He doesn't know loyal fan base there. I think it's going to be He doesn't know what he's saying. No disrespect. No, no, no. I'm saying there'll be people there but I don't think it's like some sort of

Like opening for the rude would be fucking brutal. Yeah, maybe that's what I'm assuming it would be. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't think that's it. Yeah. I think it's, you know, they could really like it because they could really like Australiana because you could get up there with all your, you know, they could really like it because they could really like Australiana because you could get up there with all your, you know,

Wangaratta gear or whatever. That's true. I mean, I guess, I mean, genuine answer is I think I would do badly because I think that about almost every gig. Right. Okay. All right. That makes more sense.

I don't have a lot of faith in myself. Right. Okay. All right. Well, now, that's all right. If that's the problem, that's good. I just don't want you having a problem because of him. Yeah.

Yeah, right. I'm doing catfish tonight. It's around the corner from my house. Right. I started the gig, and I'm still like, I feel a bomb coming on. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I felt a bit like that last night. All right.

We'll see what happens there. He's always touring, so if it's not this week, it might be another week. Anyway, so... If it's meant to be, it'll be. But if you've got some time, guys, out there and you'd like to relate a very nicely written request to him, don't make any fun, because that doesn't get him on our show.

Well, and hey, you know, there's also, you know, dare I say, there could be a potential slot in a certain Hall of Fame. But we might be, you know. Didn't want to mention that. Maybe we might, you know, we might have some sway there. Yeah, yeah. I wouldn't say that. But I think what you mean to say is we might have some sway as in we'll probably vote.

That's what I mean. Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We're swinging voters. We know some swinging voters. I wouldn't say we're that close to it. We're a few more steps removed. We know some people who vote.

Yeah. Right, okay. So we could get in the area. Okay. Is it a public vote? If we work this out, is the Oz Comedy Hall of Fame a public vote? Or is it a public vote plus judges as well? Maybe we say it is, but then it's just there's never any.

It's like the public vote. You know those things that you see where it's like, as decided by you, it's like, when was this? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I remember there always being stuff like that on TV when I was a kid. I was like, I would have loved to have voted in this. Where did that happen? Well, our web guy's been busy for a couple of weeks, so hopefully this week he's making a move on it in terms of the website.

So there's more updates to come, or there's some updates to come. All right, well, let's crack into the important part. Speaking of Hall of Fame, some entries to Speaking of Hall of Fame. Yep. Submentaries to the Stuart Hall of Fame. The people who sign up for patreon.com slash little dum-dum club, you can go through via our website, get a shirt on your way through. And get immortalized into the canon of people that have had their names read out on this show.

You can be like Sandy Gutman himself and have your name literally read out on this show. You can be like Sandy Gutman himself and have your name literally read out on this show. Yeah. But for money, unlike him, who hasn't paid a cent. That would be incredible if you're saying that and then you read through the names and lo and behold. Oh, wow. Well, there's a few things up the sleeve at this point.

So anyway, let's crack in. First cab off the rank this week. Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber Anthony Nguyen. Is that how you pronounce it? N-G-U-Y-E-N? Yes. Nguyen. Is it Nguyen?

Something along those lines. It's like one of the most common names in the world, isn't it? Yes. But I've never quite got a handle on it. Yeah, I wonder if there's like podcasts in like China where they're like, Smythe? Smythe? Smitter? Smitter?

Smitter? Yeah. Probably genuinely, yes. Yeah, yeah. Antony. It is a weird mix though. Antony Nguyen. Yep.

It's like some culture clash going on there. It really is. It's not even Anthony, it's Ant. It really is. It's not even Anthony. It's Antony. Ant. Nguyen. Yeah, Ant. Don't know what to make of this one.

Yeah, I don't know. I'm just circling at this point. I am fascinated by... I think it's the first Nguyen we've had on, which for one of the most popular names in the world, it's about fucking time. Well, but speaking of... Yeah, would there be an equivalent podcast in china where they're not able to you know work out how to pronounce smith i am fascinated

by you go to non-english speaking countries and just like yeah there's podcasts everywhere yeah i just get fascinated by right is there like a japanese equivalent of us what's the what's the what's the sitting around talking shit with the fellas equivalent in Beijing? I always mean to just like download just a Chinese

language podcast of just riffing and just see if I can like get into the rhythms of it. Talking to Beijing open micers.

Yeah, exactly. Also, that does remind me speaking of our interactions with the great S. Gutman this week, he did put out a post saying that he'd blocked me, Carl Chandler, from saying, calling me anti-Semitic. Public post.

This wasn't a reply to anything. This was just a straight-up status on his page. Yes. Yeah. And saying he'd blocked carl chandler from for being semitic from anti-semitic from semitic that's just being jewish isn't it i am semitic yes um carl chandler from the little bum bum club yeah so then he's gone oh i can't believe he's anti-jewish from the Little Bum Bum Club.

There's a lot going on in one scene. It's awesome. Get him in. Yeah. Yeah. But also, as I think one or two people pointed out, the idea of parodying something that was already called the Little Bum Bum Club. Yeah, yeah.

More like Bad Magazine. Yeah, yeah. More like Bad Magazine. Alfred E. Bad Man. More like Dumb Al Yankovic. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Great. Anyway, we can ask him about that.

Yeah, put it on the list One of the questions One of the top five questions Ask him how many new ins he's met in his life Yeah, what's his opinion about them fellas But thanks Anthony Thanks Anthony And you know, look

Put the word around You know, the next family reunion, given how popular your surname is, to only have, for you to be the first one in. That we need more new in representation on the page. Yeah, yeah, yeah. When you go to Christmas dinner, when you're around the family reunion table, pass the pot around. Yeah. Just put it out in the family. It's a traditional moment at Christmas lunch

where the big Patreon dish comes out. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Get the, when you do your Christmas family newsletter, you know, that goes out to everyone and goes, oh yeah, little Anthony Jr.'s, you know, tea thing. And also I'm really enjoying this podcast called The Little Bum Bum Club. Yep. You know, you guys, Aunt Myrtle, Aunt Myrtle Nguyen, have a listen.

That would be cool if we, I mean, we already do, we already pump out a fucking lot of content in a week. But if we had episode of Little Dum Dum Club comes out on Wednesday, this week, Greg Larson, Melanie Bracewell, you know, we talked about a crazy person in a bar. We talked about Perth comedy. Then Thursday, we put out an episode of the Little Dumb Dumb Club, which is a direct parody of the episode we did before. Every week, two episodes where we're like, oh yeah, I'm in Perth

Dummy Tassolo And Snarl Handler Yeah, Snarl Handler And I can't be bothered doing Mel and Greg The guests just get to have their own names That's a good thing to spring on guests. They come in and we record for an hour and then we're like,

so sorry, we just got to do another hour now where we do the parody of what we just did. So we'll sort of be characters that are takeoffs of us. Yeah. You guys feel free to just be yourselves or be like fake versions of you. I think they've got to have the parody because I remember like,

I love that bit in Mad Magazine where you're growing up and reading the movie parodies and so everything had to be like, I love that bit in Mad Magazine where you're growing up and reading the movie parodies. And so everything had to be like, you know, Star Wars was Star Bores, right? Yeah. So you're like, I get it. I know of Star Wars. Yep.

And so Star Bores. But like a lot of those movies would be like brand new movies that had just come out or maybe even Australia hadn't come out yet. So say it's a parody of Romancing the Stone or something. in Australia hadn't come out yet. So say it's a parody of Romancing the Stone or something, and it's like, say the fucking lead character's name was Gary Smith, and it'd be like, oh, except in the thing,

he'd be like saying, oh, my name's Borey Smoth. Yeah. And you go, what's this a parody of? I haven't seen this yet. I don't know what this is supposed to be to start with. So there's a lot of movies that you saw growing up that you, this is like a Simpsons effect for people of my generation. Right. You're reading the Mad Magazine parody.

Yes. And then six months later seeing it at the cinema and being like, oh, I get why that's funny now. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And just all these characters you're reading where it's like, okay, well, this movie's got people called Dumb Borry, and boring, who cares. The Mad Magazine almost should have come with a little tape stuck to the cover that's just got all the source material on it.

Right. Where you watch all the movies and then you open the magazine. It's like, now you're up to speed. Here's the parodies. Maybe like a certain set of 3D glasses or something where if you put them on, it translates all the references and stuff. It's like, ah, okay,

so that guy's name is Gary Smith. Ah, okay, right. Yeah, yeah. I guess that's funny. Well, thanks, Anthony. Yeah, thanks, Anthony. Nguyen. Nguyen.

Nguyen. Well, Old Nguyen. Oh, yeah. Not bad. Let's save that for the episode we record afterwards. Oh, for tomorrow. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Sure, sure. Oh, yeah, we do a parody of talking dumb. Fuck. Dorking dumb dumb. Dorking bum bum. Dorking bum bum. There we go. Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber Brenton Bachelor.

Oh, right. Confirmed Brenton Bachelor. Yes. Confirmed you are being read out this week. Yep. Mr. Bachelor. Mm-hmm. Yep. Brenton Bachelor Yes Confirmed you are Being read out this week Yep Mr Bachelor Yep Brenton

The Bachelor Yeah Interesting Is it spelled like that Bachelor Or is there a You know That's the real deal

That's awesome That is weird That you can have that As a surname And then you can marry someone And then They have to They take your name

Not only are you Not a bachelor anymore You're forcing bachelor-dom on someone else that you've married. Oh, I mean, you're doing gear that I'm sure has been done at many a wedding of people with this name. That's a fucking gimme if you're this man. No, no, no. I'm pretty smart. You're a beautiful, unique snowflake. I'm pretty smart. Something that I've looked at for one second.

I'm pretty sure no one could have thought of in the last hundred years. No one ever could have. Certainly not the people who've lived with it their whole lives that have been through that experience. It comes up every day of their life. I don't believe so. What's the... Is there a female equivalent of Bachelor?

Spinster. But that's Spinster. No, I think Spinster's like... Spinster's got... Because Bachelor's just like... It's just a description. Spins to me has like a bit of a connotation to it. Because people always say like...

It's kind of like crazy cat lady adjacent. Yeah, but I still think it's pretty much the same thing. I mean, Spins does... It's just changed over time of how people kind of view the term, but its origins are... I think it's more... Yeah, I think it's more that thing that has come along in history before,

I guess, where men are treated a bit better than women. Sure, yeah. So Bachelor's like, yeah, that's cool, but Spinsa's like, oh, aren't you married yet? You're fucked. True, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm just going to see if Google offers up anything at all. Look up what'stheoppositeof.com and type in Bachelor. God, I'm a fucking idiot. Bachelorette. Oh, yeah. Yeah. That show that's on all the time that we know of.

And it's up against some stiff competition. Never felt dumber than in this moment. Yeah. Well, I didn't know it either. And I don't even feel that dumb. I feel like I've done much dumber things. And I googled it being like, well, Spinster's just going to come up. I don't even know why I'm bothering to do this.

Well, yeah. Bachelorette. What's the opposite of Spinster then? Can you find out what's the opposite of Spinster? Male equivalent of Spinster. Yeah. Okay. Yeah.

Male equivalent of Spinster. Here we go. This is the point of the show. Bachelor. There you go. There you go. There you go. All right. We've all been right. Sort of the show. Bachelor. There you go. There you go. There you go. All right.

We've all been right, sort of. Yeah, okay. Yeah. Now, what's the female equivalent of Brenton? Brentonette. I'll have a look. Female equivalent. Brentonette, Bachelorette, that's his sister.

Brenton. Do your best, Google. It can be a girl's name., it can be a girl's name. Brenton can be a girl's name. Yep. That's not true. I guess it can be anything's name, but it's just going to be a bad version of it. Oh, no, hang on.

I'm getting mixed messages here. Yeah. Boy's name of British origin. Baby girl's names like Brenton. Now we're talking. Well, this is just Ramona, Susan, Naomi, Estelle. British origin. Baby girls' names like Brenton. Now we're talking. This is just Ramona, Susan, Naomi, Estelle. What is this based on?

This is just a list of names. The female version of Brenton is Susan. This is just a huge list of names. With the subhead magic baby names. Michelle, Roxy, Celia, Kylie, Emily. No. The female Brenton. Get the fuck out of here Did you watch the final episode of Neighbours?

Speaking of Kylie I didn't No I should check it out To see if Anything happened to my cousin on there Who's your cousin? Mick Alsop

Joel Creasy's cousin Oh Joel Creasy Yeah I don't believe he was involved Unfortunately Damn I watched a little bit Not too much How was it? It was fine Joel Creasy's Oh Joel Creasy Yeah I don't believe He was involved Unfortunately Damn Yeah I watched a little bit Not too much

How was it? It was fine It was okay The Neighbours Hmm? It was Neighbours Yeah yeah yeah It was alright

It was that weird thing Where you go You're watching a Soap opera Early in the evening And because the You know it was Neighbours final episode

After 30 something 35 years 35 I think yeah That they're bringing Everyone back know, it was Neighbours final episode after 30 something years, 35 years or something like that. They're bringing everyone back. Yep. So it's that weird mix of seeing a lot of old fucked up people and then a lot of young people who you have no idea who the fuck they are and going, oh, okay, what's worse here? I don't give a fuck about these new people, but these old people are hurting my eyes. I remember them from 30 years ago and

now they look fucked in the head it's funny like there are some people that joined the show like at the start of the year being a working actor and being like oh yes you know on neighbors you know we want to parlay this into something else but you know i've got work i could i could sit on this for a couple of years and you know nice to just have reliable income oh the show's ending oh okay oh you know a few months i had you know what i liked is reliable income oh the show's ending okay oh you know a few months i had you know what i liked is that that because it was a mix of um people coming back from the past and whatever um and new people you would see that the people who come back from the past some of them have kicked on and some of them have not yes so kylie and jason and um you know

all these all these types they've all kicked on. They've aged, but have they aged very much? Because they've kicked on and it's in their best interest to keep looking good. To stay young. But they'll bring back people from the same era that have kicked on to absolutely nothing. They've been working in a fucking pub. They've been a dishy for the last 20 years. And so they're coming face to face going fucking hell someone's looking all right someone yeah yeah yeah if you just put some effort in yeah you can stay young

forever yeah you just got to be on top of it someone looks like someone else's dad at this point yep yeah but um guy pierce everyone's saying it but did a very good job on it did he yeah he's good he came back both both feet in was like i'm doing the full thing i'm coming in with a proper storyline even though i absolutely do not need to do this yeah good on him he was really good in uh mayor of east town i'm sure he was in recently no he was good seeing him again on screen he was he was good in it he came back and you know unlike uh jason kiley who did an absolute drive-by but yeah Guy Pearce a lot of respect

out to him yeah nice came back looking for Plain Jane so Plain Jane Harris the original I think the first

the first person in my lifetime did the old take the glasses off and take the hair down and all of a sudden oh I want to

fucking I want to root you now those glasses were holding me back yucky glasses are off your face I only want to fuck people with. Those glasses were holding me back. Yucky glasses are off your face. I only want to fuck people with good vision.

Yeah. Well, thank you, Brenton Batch. The Bachelor. Our Bachelor. That's our winner of The Bachelor. Finally, a winner of the Little Dumb Mum Club The Bachelor competition. Brenton. Will you accept this rose? Yes.

In the form of $5 a month on Patreon. Yes, we will. Will you accept this rose? Yes. In the form of $5 a month on Patreon. Yes, we will. Will you accept this readout of your name? Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber Sam Landy. Sam Landy. Sam-a-lam-a Landy. Landy. Hmm.

Hmm. Okay. All right. You know Landy? The man who ran the first four-minute mile? Oh, really? Yeah. I think that was his name.

Australian? That's a good name for someone who's done that. Because he was on the land. Because he's conquered the land. He's not just on it, but he's fucking taken it to the cleaners. So Ian Thorpe, you'd rather him be called Ian Watery? Yeah. That'd be awesome.

Are you kidding? As if we wouldn't love it if there was like a gun swimmer with the surname Water. John Water. John Water. There is John Water. There is John Water. So why isn't he hitting the pool? Why didn't he start swimming instead of making hairspray?

Yeah, exactly. And having a pencil-thin moustache. It's a liquid, so he's in the ballpark. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. But, you know. Yeah. There's water in hairspray. Yeah.

Yeah, that's something. Maybe he's like, this is as close as I'm going to get. Right. I tried swimming as a kid. Not for me. Don't have the frame. Not built for it. Don't have the wrists for it.

Yeah. Oh, good Lord. Yeah. Oh, good lord. Yeah. But Sam Landy, he's our own four-minute what? Patreon read. Yeah.

Okay. There we go. Let's keep it brief. So that's been one in. Yeah. That's been about one. Yeah. So let's get to the last third. Landy, that means his ancestors were

Not Dirt Not dirt Being walked on Door mats Being walked all over Similar to dirt Because they're landee

They're not land Oh okay Yeah sure okay So what's What's Yeah what's similar to land But isn't quite land I mean clay

Clay is still land though It's still land So So probably Landee is just like The bit of Similar to land, but isn't quite land. I mean, clay is still land, though, isn't it? It's still land. So probably land-y is just like the bit of air that's just above the land. But that's still land. Is it land, though, or is it on land? Would you call grass land? But I think as soon as something's on the ground and you can walk on it, that's land.

Because you go, I'm on land. I'm walking on land. So it'd be land adjacent. Do you call your hair... Maybe like a balcony. Do you call hair... A patio. Do you go, I'm on land. I'm walking on land. So to be land adjacent. Do you call your hair? Maybe like a balcony. Do you call hair? A patio. Do you call hair your head? Because that's what grass is to land.

That's true. You're not going for a head cut. You're going for a haircut. It's true. It's true. But if someone was talking about someone's head, I wouldn't assume, well, they're talking about everything but the hair. We've got to leave the hair out of it.

Okay. I hit my head. Oh, does it hurt? No. I just hit my hair. So it didn't hurt at all. Well, normally if you'd be hitting your head, it would be the hair. If you're like bonking it on a shelf as you're getting up or something.

I bonked my hair on a shelf. Ouch. I think the patio is land-y. Okay. Because you're on a deck. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's slightly elevated. You're not on the land. It is. Okay. Yeah, it's hovering above the land. Okay. Because you're on a deck. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's slightly elevated. You're not on the land.

It is, and it's, yeah, it's hovering above the land. Okay, I'm with you. Yeah. Right. So this guy's ancestors were a patio. Sam Patio. Sam Patio. Sam Patio.

Better name, sorry. Not a bad name. Better name, Sam. Patio is a surname. It's good. I like it. I'm with it. I'm with it.

Well, that'll do us. Is that been, I reckon that's been four minutes. I reckon that's only been three minutes. But I reckon if you're doing something that good, like I reckon they're probably. we've broken the record. We've broke,

we've, that's what we're aiming to do. Yeah. Break the, break the three minute patron rate. Yeah, exactly. And we did.

Yeah. Okay, great. Sam Patio. Congratulations. Why keep running? Congratulations to us and to you, Sam Landy slash Patio Why keep running Congratulations to us and to you Sam Landy Slash Patio

Thank you for subscribing Thanks for sticking with us Alright thank you very much to Patreon subscriber Simon Nixon Oh I am not a non-subscriber Nice He's also got

Two names With five letters non-subscriber. Nice. Yeah. Nice. He's also got two names with five letters. The second letter is I in both of them and the last two letters is the same in both of them.

What's his first name again? Simon. Simon. Simon Nixon. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. A bit of symmetry there. Not too bad.

Yeah. I mean, it's no San Patio, but it's a fact. Yeah. You can't say bad. Yeah. I mean, it's no San Patio. It's absolutely not. It's a fact. Yeah. You can't say we're wrong. You can say it's not entertaining.

You can't say it's wrong. Do you think he's related? To who? Richard. Oh, right. Let me finish. Dreyfus. We're going to need a bigger Patreon, Rude.

Nice. Look, I would hope so, but hopefully we've got some of the funds that have been filtered away from the 70s. This is Patreon gate right now. There's a Watergate show coming up that I'm excited for. Yeah.

Justin Theroux and Woody Harrelson. Oh, yeah. And that's what I call a cast. Two colourful characters. Yeah. Two people who have been in things before, that's for sure. Yep. And I'm going to say it, been good in both of those things.

Well, been good in the things that they're in. What's your favourite Woody Harrelson role? Great question. I re-watched The People vs. Larry Flint. I did think of that straight away. That's a fucking... I think he's genuinely good in everything. I get pumped up when I see him come onto the screen.

But that is a fucking great performance that he gives. True Detective S1. Yep. Yep. The one there... Three Billboards is the one he's in, right? Thought he was good in that? I don't believe he is in that one.

What's the one I'm thinking of then? Oh, maybe... No! He's the racist cop in it, is he? Yeah. Well, I mean, there's tons of them, but yeah. He's one of the racist cops. Oh, that's right. I forgot about him. I was thinking about the other people in it. Who is it? Francis McDormand and... Sam Rockwell. Yes. Yes about the other people in it. Who is it? Francis McDormand and... Sam Rockwell. Yes.

Yes, that's right. Right. And, of course, his breakout role in Cheers. Absolutely. Great. Great show. I haven't watched that for a while. I should go back.

Who was the other actor you talked about? Justin Theroux. Justin Theroux. What's your favourite role of his? I mean, The Leftovers is fucking great. Such a great series. And also, he wrote Tropic Thunder. Did he?

Yep. Didn't know that. And he co-wrote, I think maybe he co-wrote Zoolander. Really? Yeah, he was a writer for a long time. I don't think he's done any writing stuff for a long time, but he was like a go-to. He did a lot of punch-up and he was like a, this guy's a fucking gun. And then I remember him being in the tabloids because he was dating Jennifer Aniston.

And you're looking at him and he's like hot and cool. It's like, why is this guy just a writer? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Why isn't this guy in more stuff? It's like Sylvester Stallone wrote Rocky. Yeah. And then went, then just, you think of him as just like some dumb movie star now. It's like, oh, he had to start somewhere. And then just went, no, I you think of him as just, like some dumb movie star now, it's like,

oh, he had to start somewhere, and then just went, no, I'm not writing. Fuck writing. Yeah. Although he did write Rocky IV.

Okay. I believe. Alright. I don't know if he's written too much since then. I watched, the last Rambo, I watched most, a fair bit of the last Rambo movie on a plane.

Mm-hmm. And it's just insane. Just, I've never seen insane. Just him shooting people. Just the thing that you think was him all along. But I think First Blood was actually not that at all. But then it just turned into, it was like a real portrayal of a disenfranchised Vietnam veteran that had come back, had been ignored by society,

been treated badly by the police and everyone. He was fighting for his country and all that. And then it just really quickly turned into some cunt with guns that just is going to shoot whoever's around. Yeah. You should watch, if you ever get a spare three hours, you should watch Triple R,

the Bollywood movie that's on Netflix. It's this fucking action movie. It's got the best action sequences in it I've ever seen. Really? People are going fucking bananas for it. It's become like the highest grossing film

in India. Oh, really? It's so good. It's like you see it and then you just go, man, every Western action film is a piece of shit. Wow.

It's like so inventive, shot super well, crazy creative shit in it. It's such a fun movie. Oh, maybe I'll have a look. It's fucking sick. Wow. But it's very long. Right. So you need it it's so it's such a fun movie oh maybe I'll have a look it's fucking sick wow but it's very long

right so you need it yeah it's like a it's like three hours I watched it on the flight back from Perth oh okay

I'll have a little look at it maybe maybe I'll just have a just get a taste of it yep maybe I need to see the whole thing maybe I think

um Simon Nixon mmm mmm uh he's not a crook he's not a crook I think. Simon Nixon. He's not a crook. He's not a crook. He is... Yeah, that was funny.

That whole thing where Richard... President Richard Nixon just... Look, he did all that wrong thing and then he just sort of got to go and retire, didn't he? Did he get impeached? Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. But... So that's pretty bad. Well, is it? It's not a great thing to have publicly happen and be on the record. But he didn't go to jail or anything like that. No, no, no. Like, he went to Florida and retired and whatever.

Like, that was... He... I mean, that is truly an example of a thing that you know the world goes on the edges always kind of keep getting pushed out yeah and the stuff that was explosive and people were like can you fucking believe this you look at it now and it's like oh it seems like not really that big of a deal yeah at all yeah yeah yeah look people talk about this the state of u.s politics a lot more a lot better than us and know a lot more than us. So whatever, who cares? It's exciting to think, because remember people were like, George Bush is the worst cunt of all time.

It's really exciting to think about a time in like 50 years time where like, man, remember when people thought Trump was bad? Man, you know, people were saying that about, you know, people think fondly of John Howard now. Yeah, yeah, absolutely. Like, man, he's a comparative hero because of the gun laws and everything over here. you know people think fondly of john howard now yeah yeah yeah absolutely yeah it's like man he's a comparative hero because of the gun laws and everything over here it's like yeah he did like how about that where it's like oh no he's all right because he did one good thing it's like it was a good thing but it's like that's where we've got to yeah but i mean he didn't fuck everything yeah and for the time like making a move where it's like i don't care that

it's gonna piss off people i don't care that it's going to piss off people. I don't care that it's going to piss off some people who probably are voting for me. Well. Because it's the right thing to do. Back then there wasn't social media and there wasn't a bit of, oh, we should look at all both sides. Yeah.

It's just like, right, we better just make sure no one else gets shot or I'm in trouble here. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Well, thanks, Nixon. Thanks, Nixon.

All right. Let's just do one more. Let's see. Who we've got as the fifth one. Just one more because, yeah, speaking of Nixon, I am a crook. I'm feeling crook. Oh. Yeah, right.

I am not crook. I am not not crook. All right. I've done a rat. Don't worry, everyone. You can't get it through the podcast. It's only going to be me that's getting it. Okay. It is funny.

That's like any other sickness. Oh, well. You know what I mean? If this is COVID, I have to stay in for a week and do the right thing. I did think that when I walked... Oh, just the common cold. All right. Yeah, I did walk in this room and you go, I'm crook but it's not

that. And I'm like, okay, so I'm just definitely in a room with you being crook. We're just back to the way things always were. Sorry, the world's... Don't want to do this on Zoom for just the common cold. Yeah, it's okay. I'm just a massive chance of getting the flu now. Don't worry everyone.

Alright, thank you very much to Patreon subscriber Australia Comedy. Australia Comedy. Yeah. That's something. Australia Comedy. Yeah.

You're going to have to explain. Do I have to? It's like I think this might be a sponsored thing from ostentatious because that's his new thing oh because he had australiana in the past yeah and now he's got australia comedy yeah so now it's like um i think it's like a new single where he comes out where he's like you you know, it's like the Australiana except he's going, oh, Hughes over that. Hughes that over there. Like as in Dave Hughes. Get the fuck out of my house. And then, what the hell is going on here?

This is actually good. This is actually better than Australiana. Can you pass me that Elliot goblet so I can have a drink? Oh, yep, yep, yep. Yeah. Fuck, all right. I'd better have one. You better do something even better than this and put a real kappa on it. Wow. Yeah.

Took a fucking... That's a sharp decline. Yeah, I can't think of a good one. No, you can. Do it. No, I'm ashamed of myself. I'm going to go jump in a blake. Oh, okay. Yeah, right.. Do it. No, I'm ashamed of myself. I'm going to go jump in a Blake. Oh, okay.

Yeah, right. Okay. Yeah. You did it and didn't do it at the same time there. Feeling worse. I wish that rat had been positive. All right. Thanks, everyone.

Go and buy that single off of Ostentatious. Yeah, get it on iTunes. I'm sure it's on there. $1.69. Thanks for listening. Thanks for supporting the show. If you do so, if you don't, get fucked. But thanks for listening.

And we'll see you next time. See you, mates. See you, mates.