The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - 620 - Guy Montgomery & Nick Capper

Episode Date: August 23, 2022

We've said this before but this time it's for real: we're in the world's most cramped hotel room this week, with GUY MONTGOMERY and NICK CAPPER! Tommy's incredibly hungover and done the dirty on a mate, Capper tries repeatedly to land a bit that makes any sense and Karl's been heckled at a comedy gig, which introduces us to our new favourite catchphrase. PLUS a new app idea, parking inspectors and HEAPS MORE! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Today on the Little Dumb Dumb Club, a brand new episode with guests Guy Montgomery and Nick Capper. We have a live show in the books for Melbourne, Hot Off The Presses, October the 22nd at the Comics Lounge in Melbourne. Tickets are on sale now. Right now, Saturday night show, Tommy. Big, big show. I dare say the only show we're doing for the rest of the year, live podcast. So, yeah, if you're listening to this hot off the press, you've only got eight weeks or so to save up your little pennies for that show. Get onto it, ASAP.

It's going to be a big one. We've got some big things planned already that we won't let you in on right yet. Yeah. LittleDumbDumbClub.com for tickets to that. We'll talk to you more at the end of the episode in Talking Dumb Dumb. But until then, enjoy this new episode with Guy Montgomery and Nick Capper. Hey, mates. Welcome once again into the Little Dum Dum Club for another week.

Thank you very much for joining us. My name is Tommy Daslow. I'm with me as always, the other half of the program, Carl Chandler. G'day, Dickhead. And joining us today, two very special guests. Please welcome back onto the show, Nick Capper and Guy Montgomery. Yes. Yes.

I've heard of a podcast with one of them, but two at once? You've got to be kidding me. Absolutely. Oh, yeah. This is... Podcast crossover. How do you feel, Guy? How do you feel being with two hosts of separate podcasts?

I'll tell you how I feel. I'll tell you how I feel cooped up. We are in Guy Montgomery's hotel room, which is so small that we couldn't use the bedroom to record this podcast. This might be the most uncomfortable conditions we've ever recorded in. You two are on the floor. Me and Kappa are sharing a very small couch,

which you guys might think we've got it made up. This is the most terrible couch I've ever sat on in my life. Me and Kappa are sharing a very small couch, which you guys might think we've got it made up now. That is. This is the most terrible couch I've ever sat on in my life. I, you know, it looks and sounds gracious to say I'll sit on the floor, but I've been sitting on that as a one person. It's not big enough for one. No, I can say. Couch is an exaggeration. And Tommy's man spreading as well, which is fucking.

No, I'm fine with it, brother. I'm fine. I'm a little man. It's not often that I feel like I'm fucking taking up too much space yeah alpha dogging Nick Kepa I reckon

so the bedroom's not big enough to record this in we were having this conversation last night for about 5 minutes where you were saying I don't think I think we should record it somewhere else

I'm like no no no your hotel room will be fine and then I've walked in and gone fuck you were absolutely right yeah I know

I'm glad I flagged it with you because i can't imagine the undercurrent of furious tension that would you know score this podcast so i hadn't been like i don't know if the hotel's the go i'm glad to be here i didn't have to move at all yeah what if the room was actually really big and really cool but the moment we turn the mic on the the the bellhop walks in and goes um sorry no podcasting the bellhop whatever you call it who works in a hotel yeah i was gonna say hotel worker anyway welcome welcome back to the duck soup podcast you can't call them bellhops anymore the correct term is hotel worker that's the the politically correct term. Yeah, I am the most hungover I've been in a fucking long time today. Just the back is in agony on this couch. It's dimly lit.

I can feel myself fucking fading. I'm really going to have to try hard to keep the energy up here. It is dimly lit. And I tell you what, I can't make these lights go any brighter. I don't know how. You know why the light switches are too small? You can't find them. Yeah, I mean, look, we could talk about the minutiae of the hotel room,

which in itself is minute, but it's just not worth it. We're all here. Life's a gift. Do you own this hotel? Why can't we talk about how shit this hotel is? I may or may not have put a lot of money into the Evolvo. Giving out the location. I would say that the bathroom might have been the best spot for this party.

The bathroom is the biggest room in this hotel room. Yeah, but I was running some test audio in there earlier today and the acoustics are no good. It's too echoey. It drives people insane at home. Yeah, you can't win. What we probably would have been better off doing, so there's like a little entranceway that we're sitting in

and then there's kind of a longish corridor and then the bedroom. We probably would have been better off with you two on the bed. We wouldn't be able to see you, but we'd be able to hear you from in there and the cords would reach. Zoom style. I do like it, Guy, that your podcast is watching a movie, a dumb movie, an insane amount of times, and then you tested that in a bathroom.

You're just like, all right, first I need to find a shit movie. And okay, all right. No, the acoustics are all off for this. I'm trying to riff about fucking Rob Schneider, and it's bouncing off the shower door. Every time Kappa talks, I'm having to twist my body to the most unnatural angle to make eye contact with him.

Yeah. This is wonderful stuff. Hey, look, I'd like to say it's a pleasure to see you all. Welcome to room 418 at the Envolve South Yarra. And I'd love to know, Tommy, what was the occasion and is the hangover worth it? And also, is this the worst conditions you can suffer a hangover in? You're trying to perform dimly lit, and it's a reasonably warm little room as well. Yeah, yeah.

That's falling asleep conditions. And we're doing this at 8 p.m. So this has just been, like I was talking to my friend about it, and she was like, oh, at least you didn't have to get up early in the morning and do it. That would have been awful, but at least then it's out of the way. This is like every time I felt myself drifting off, I've been like very quickly have to like, I need to set an alarm because I will sleep through this pod

if I knock myself out. So we need to make this a better podcast than what it's been so far just to keep you awake. I think I might get too fucking startled if it's too good. Right. This kind of nice pace is kind of all I can do. Not really firing on all cylinders tonight. What food have you had today told me to kind of eradicate the hangover?

I ordered, now this will blow your mind. Okay. I ordered some Indonesian. If you said just a zucchini, I would fucking lose my mind. Just a zucchini with like olive oil on it and one half of a tomato. I'd be like, fuck, you are, no wonder you hung over. No, I got Indonesian. I got some Indonesian noodles for lunch.

Oh, that's hot. That's spicy. Ordered heaps. Ordered heaps from this place. And when it turned up, my girlfriend asked me if I was doing a mukbang. Do you know what those are? There's like YouTube videos where people- Where you eat an uncomfortably large amount of food.

People order everything off the menu and eat it all in one sitting for a YouTube video. Can you do that? Could I do it? Yeah. Do you have the capacity? Do you eat beyond being hungry? I've got a friend who loves the feeling of being full. Right.

I think it's one of the most awful feelings. I hate it so much. I can't operate. Oh, really? I love it. You get all drowsy. You get kind of high. Yeah. You know what I mean. I can't operate. Oh, really? I love it. You get all drowsy. You get kind of high. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You know what I mean? I like being high and drowsy, but not from food. I got in a real bad habit during lockdown and stuff of just eating like I was a bear about to hibernate and eating once a day and just eating as much as I fucking could, then feeling ill for about four hours and then getting up and being ravenous. Well, thinking about the mukbang today, I was actually thinking about you, Carl, and I was surprised you've never taken that on as a side project with Thai food. I could see you doing that, just getting everything off a menu delivered, a little webcam set

up. We're going through the entire menu. You're eating a little bit of your pad thai. I do that a little bit in Thailand when I go, like if I've got time by myself and someone else isn't watching, I'll be sitting there and I'll order six or seven things. Because, like, it's an insane thing to do if someone else isn't in on it. If someone's going, I'll have a green curry, thanks, and you're going, I'll have seven things. You wouldn't do that if someone was watching, even a stranger. Yeah.

A stranger's fine. Oh, okay. Someone you know. I mean, if you and I were sitting down to dinner and then I go, I'll have seven things. Right. I genuinely did think you meant there can't even be strangers facing the table. If you're going in.

So your whole, like, picking a table is based around, like, I need to be around a corner. I need to be out of the way. I say to the waitress, just shove it under the door and leave. Yeah. I'd love to do a mukbang where you go, hey guys, I'm going to order a lot of different things and then just order different breeds of puppy to eat. Kappa, what level are you on?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. This isn't helping me, Kappa. I'm talking about zucchini. I know. I feel like whatever your next... A schnauzer comes out with an apple in its mouth and you go, oh, hang on. I would never eat a schnauzer.

What kind of fucking disgusting restaurant is this? Oh, the hangover's getting worse. Good Lord. Can you reset whatever instincts you have tonight? Every time you have one, can you reverse it? Can you actually reverse it? Think about it, right? What a great prank.

They're serving out roasted puppies. This is not that good. Before the podcast, you were sitting there going, don't worry, the Riff King. I'm saying, if you've sitting there going, don't worry, the Riff King. I'm saying if you've got any stories, don't worry, I've got it. I've got this. No, yeah, Carl goes, what about that Chilean story you told me? And Kappa goes, oh, in Chile.

And Carl goes, yeah. And then Kappa goes, I can't remember it. Yeah, I can't remember it. The writing was on the wall. Yeah, there's a lot of Chilean stuff that happened. I feel badly for calling it out, though, because it's sort of like, you know, if you watch sports or if you play sports and someone's on a hot streak

and you don't want to say it to them because, you know, they could get in their head about it, they get out of the zone. Right, yeah, yeah. And while, you know, you weren't necessarily quality control of your own health, you're certainly putting a lot out there. And I think, law of averages, eventually you'll stumble into something where it's money, money, money. He can't keep missing forever, I think.

Yeah, that's it. That's what I've been trying to do, you know. Well, I just think about stuff that you could like, because after a while you do comedy and it's boring. Well, certainly to watch. Yeah. I think the audience at that gig, we just felt that way. Yeah.

Kevin's telling us about this run of gigs he did on the Gold Coast. Gigs are going well, but like 23 people are just getting up and walking. I don't think the gig's going well. The attention span's up there. How long have your instincts been off for? Is this about two weeks now? It's so weird because... Have you understood anything that's happened for the last two weeks?

It's so weird because I've been on the Gold Coast and the gigs have been going good, but then that's still... Again, refer to what Guy said. That still happens. This is what the rest of us are getting off your story. That's what's frustrating. Like, if the gig's going bad... Those are standing ovations.

There are people leaving. Yeah, if the gig's going bad and people leave, you're like, great, cool, I would be leaving as well. Yeah. But when it's going good and they leave, you're like, what i would be leaving as well yeah but when it's going good and they leave you're like what's going on here you know and then you just come back a shell of a man you're saying they're good are people clapping and laughing as they're walking out no it's just like it's a weird thing and the goal goes you have people like they go it's good and they're like oh this is good

i'll get up and get a drink right or they'll go, they'll tell their mate, they'll go, hey, isn't this good? This is funny. Or they'll try to fucking, yeah. Hang on, hang on, hang on. So are you thinking that people are walking out of your gig to go and tell other people how good it is and they should come in? No, no, but it would be good if that happened.

That would be the best comedian ever if that happened. Mid-gig. We don't know if he's ever going to come back. He looks like he's kind of feels if he's ever going to come back. He looks like he's kind of feels like he's struggling. So we'd better just pack it out now. They're like, man, did you see Nick Capra at last year's Melbourne Comedy Festival? Man, I would have. But halfway through the gig, it was that good.

I ran out to get random people on the street. You've got to see this. I'm loving what's inside. You just see the bit at the 30-minute mark. Traditionally, the flat spot of a show. And even that was amazing. So you've got time to get in I'm loving what's inside. You just did the bit at the 30-minute mark, traditionally the flat spot of a show, and even that was amazing. So you've got time to get in for the big close-up, which I have to imagine is going to be incredible.

So I'm trying to get people in. I'm getting them to get their tickets, and I'm trying to get them to go through all the FPOS transactions, and, yeah, it just didn't happen, man. And, yeah, I'll see you next half of the show next year. Yeah, yeah. So, Cappy, you went to Chile. Yeah. But in answer to your question, Guy. So, Cappy, you went to Chile. But in answer to your question, Guy, it was a 30th that I was at last night. But seriously, what breed of puppy would you eat?

Oh, here we go. No, no, no. What 30th? Sorry. Went to a 30th. My friend's 30th. Pretty cool stuff. Did you know you were going to get as fucked up as you did,

or did you cross the Rubicon at some point in the night? There was a bit of a feeling in the air between me and everyone else that was going that was like, because this is like the first kind of big sort of like proper party that me and that group of friends had been at post lockdowns and everything. Oh, wow.

So there was a bit of like a, yeah, there was a lot of nervous energy heading into it. I like that feeling. I feel like I need about once a month or once every two months, I need a true knees up, you know, a genuine blowout, mostly just to realize I actually don't like it that much, you know, to qualify not doing it for two months.

And then two months ago, I'd be like, fuck, I really need to put a lot into my body. It's nice to have something like that to look forward to as well. Like, you know, when you're a kid and it's like, you know saturday night you're like this is so exciting like every chance you get to go out you're so exciting yeah you don't quite have that anymore but then when you have one of those things now as an adult you're like and if you get that feeling it's like fucking hell how is this gonna be well yeah it's hard it's hard to get that many people you like at once all together yeah it's like weddings generally that's about you like at once all together. Yeah. It's like weddings generally. That's about it.

Funerals. Yeah. Funerals. I've got this funeral on Saturday. I can't wait. It's going to go off. Absolutely hissing for this funeral. That would have been much better if you had said,

fuck, I'm so sideways. Sorry, guys. I went to a really big funeral. It was a vibe in the air. We'd all been looking forward to it. It was kind of the first funeral a lot of us had been to since life. We're so sick of doing them over Zoom and we could finally just be back in the room with the coffin.

Yeah, we'd been looking forward to it for a long time. The guy only died a week ago, but we'd been looking forward to it. Oh, man. I felt so fucking bad just in bed most of the day. And then a mate of mine, an old mate of mine, I'd forgotten just complete, you know, just everything gone out of their head. I'd forgotten that I'd made plans to have a beer with him this afternoon. And we'd made this plan like three weeks ago. And he wasn't part of the party.

He wasn't part of the party. Is he tier the friends? So the people at the party? Tier one? Tier one Tier one This is a guy that I'm friends with from school So like still see We'll make an effort to catch up with him here and there

But don't see him heaps And like you know You get something on the books And you probably forget about it Because you don't really give a fuck about this guy I mean it really Like he was like Oh still good for the beer today

And I was like Oh man I've got to be honest with you I'm out I'm so fucked I'm so sorry. And then just get the photo back, the pint on the table. He's already there.

Oh no. And then I look at the time and I go back through it, it's quarter past two and our last exchange is from like a month ago going like, yeah,

August 21, 2pm. Oh no. So there's been no, you know, like I've just, like I've fucked it, but like yeah,

no. Does he have kids? Oh, they're going to be young. Oh, that's alright then. Yeah I've fucked it. But like, yeah, no. Does he have kids? No. Oh, that's all right then. Yeah. That's all right. If he was a family man. Yeah.

And then he had to take time out. I've had that. Like I've been on both ends of it. But like the bit where you have to now plan because you're a kid and wife and everything. And then some cunt with no, nothing tying him down just goes. Just drank too much last night. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's just the worst. There's no, just the worst excuse. with nothing tying him down. Just drank too much last night. There's no... Just the worst excuse.

And the photo of the pint and then he'd done the... In the little paint program on the iPhone or whatever, he'd just drawn a sad face on it. I was like, brother. I can see why you don't want to hang out with this fucking loser. There is an irony

because obviously I don't live in Melbourne and I was... You don't live to hang out with this fucking loser. There is an irony because obviously I don't live in Melbourne. You don't live in this tiny hotel. No, I don't live in this tiny hotel, but I went for a walk down Chapel Street yesterday. I love coming to Melbourne and I've got friends here. We've got a lot of cafes, don't we? We sure do. There's a good KFC on Chapel Street.

Yeah, yeah. I blue-robed past that. He's back. That was pretty funny. That was a good introduction. I enjoyed that one. I'll cop it. Are we short?

That's what I liked about it. But I was walking down the road and I was like, God, I really wish I'd organized to see someone or to have a beer, you know, because I had a social yearning that couldn't be fulfilled and then i walked past like a pub and there's like a guy sitting out there and he's got a full pint in front of him and he's got like there's two empty pint glasses next to him so obviously he's with a friend who's gone to the toilet and in my head i was like fuck you know like he looked like a pretty decent guy and i was like i wonder if i could just go and like just sit down and be like

you don't know me but like we could be friends for like an hour. I was just thinking a drink would be great. You're mid-drink. This is a matinee in heaven. I was like, you've had your first pint just about every – you're probably in a pretty good zone to bring on a new energy. But I just didn't have the courage. But what I'm hearing from your circumstance is that there should be

some sort of app or some social development where it's like people who have been abandoned for their part can get in touch with like drifters yeah i'm looking to have a part as you were saying that i was like fuck that's what i should i could you know you had a social yearning i could have hooked you up when this with this guy when i pulled the pin like that would be like a subsection of tinder where it's like tinder slash no rooting yeah yeah yeah just make it be cool like like not saying you're an incel guy but like fun incels you know what i mean it's like hey we're all guys we're all guys just wanting to be here you know what i mean yeah just we're fun incels i mean if you do a gig and you have to pull out like last

minute for whatever reason it's common sometimes people go how i'll help find i'll find a replacement if you want if that'll help you out for whatever reason. It's common. Sometimes people go, I'll find a replacement if you want, if that'll help you out. If I had done this to this mate, just been like, mate, I've got to be honest. I'm in bed. I am absolutely fucked. I feel like my skull's caving in. But if you want, I'll just do a quick ring around and see if any of the boys are out.

There's a guy I know from New Zealand who's in town. I can vouch for him. Will you be drinking in a big room? He's keen to get out. He's good for 45, 50. I am going to do that next time I have to pull the pin on someone socially. Just offer to find a replacement.

But you know that if you're copying that as a suggestion, if someone says that to you, I can get someone to fill in. Whoever is filling in, you've got to think, who the fuck is this guy? Why has he got nothing better to do? It's me, it's Guy Montgomery. Yeah, yeah. Happy raps.

It's not bad. Oh, no, that example. But how many Guy Montgomery's are there in this world? If I hadn't left the house yet, I'd be like, get fucked. I don't want this replacement ring coming in. But if I'm at the pub, I've committed to at least a pint. I would rather roll the dice. I'm just like, let's see who turns up. Could be anyone.

So you all live here. So how are you guys with the solo outing? Go out for a meal by yourself? Go out for a pint by yourself? I love it. Absolutely. Drink not as much. Yeah, meal heaps, drink, yeah. pint by yourself. I love it. Absolutely. Drink not as much. Yeah, meal heaps, drink, yeah.

Travelling, obviously, that changes everything a bit. But yeah, pretty rare that I'd go out for a solo drink. You go out for a coffee? Yeah. You go out for a juice, but you'd never sit in, eh?

You'd never sit in for a juice by yourself. I'd sit in. I'd sit in. You'd sit in for a juice? Do you know what I did the other night, just here on Chapel Street, guy?

You went to KFC. I went to it. Home of Melbourne's sit in. Let's sit in for a drink. Do you know what I did the other night just here on Chapel Street, Guy? You went to KFC. I went to it. Home of Melbourne's KFC. I had a frozen yogurt by myself. I went in for a gig here, and I thought it was going to rule. I was like, fuck yeah, I'm not drinking at the moment. I'll just have a frozen yogurt. It'll be sick.

And there's this kind of disdain that the girl looks at you like, why are you sitting in here by yourself? Everyone just walks out. It's a takeaway. Yeah, it's a takeaway kind of disdain that the girl looks at you like, why are you sitting in here by yourself? Like everyone just walks out. It's a takeaway. Yeah, it's a takeaway kind of deal. I'm just sitting there, you know. There's tough. Yeah, yeah, and I'm, you know, like I'm an older guy

just sitting there fucking just eating a frozen yogurt by herself. She's like, oh, I wonder how many guys this person just killed. He's just having a celebratory frozen yoga. The frozen yoga place is a place where the 16-year-old girl will sit down rather than someone like you. Yeah, yeah, exactly. My age. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I actually had a pretty interesting situation on Chapel Street as well. So I went for a juice, but I don't sit in for the juice. But I was like, you know, I went in there. I was getting ready. There's a woman in front of me. She ordered. You've got your juice keep cup ready to go. No, no, no, no.

I'm taking in a burning tire and asking for heaps of plastic. But, you know, she seemed friendly enough or whatever. And then I get in there and I'm getting ready to order and I've chosen my juice. And then as I get ready to order, another guy comes in behind me, and she says, while looking at me to take my order, but she goes, oh, my gosh, it's my favorite person. And obviously this is for the guy who's just come in,

and they're friends or whatever. And then I'm like, oh, that's very sweet, but I'm just getting to know you. She hated it. oh, you know, that's very sweet, but I'm just getting to know you. She hated it. Didn't engage with me entering that roof at all. I hate it when you throw a line out there and people give you nothing. I remember years ago I was walking around the Brisbane River there, right,

and there was this lizard. Just in Chile. We found the story. He's remembered. Thank God. Brisbane, the Chile of Australia. And there was a lizard on a wall, and the lizard was going up, and it fell off, and it was a huge lizard,

and it was fucking hilarious, like watching this lizard fall off the wall. Like it was hilarious. I turn around to this lady, and she'd obviously seen it. Gave me fucking nothing. Right. I think about that forever. Yeah. I think about that forever.

Just a man laughing at a lizard by himself. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I look like a psycho killer. Like, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a fucking lizard fell off the wall. It's crazy because those are the moments where, you know, you don't have to feel connected, but you want to. You want to be like, we're experiencing this together. Especially in hotels, again, you get in lifts all the time.

Where it's like, in a different context, we're allowed to make eye contact and talk, but in the lift, it's just you shut the fuck up. You look at the front. I got into a lift just now, and there was people who were obviously right for work. Fuck, how big are the lifts in this joint? Probably twice the

size of the room. Excuse me, I'm confused. Am I in the lift or in my room? They arrived for work and she was obviously the

producer or the director and this other guy was the cameraman and she's like running her ideas past them and I'm like I reckon these are pretty bad

ideas. I read the vibe. She's like puppies. You can eat them. She's talking about like a zucchini with olive oil and a tomato. I don't understand. He's like, I like more Chilean ideas. So she's like, she's on the third floor and he's on the sixth floor or whatever.

I'm just doxing everyone in this hotel today. And she gets out. And then I was like to him, she was like, oh, you know, we'll get a shot of Sean or whatever the guy's name is, you know, out the front in front of the bustling street. And he's like, yeah, didn't really care about it. And then she gets out and I was like,

so what do you reckon about that opening shot idea for Sean? And the guy, I'm swinging and missing. This guy, he just sort of doesn't say't say you know he just ignores me i had a bit of that the last couple of days i was away with my girlfriend was staying in a little cabin in warburton and the like beautiful place like just really secluded and there's like a there's like three different little cabins on the property and then the people that own it i think have their own little one kind of up the road a little bit. And I have this like booklet in the, in the Airbnb that's got,

um, just a bunch of stuff that you can do in the area. And then it's like, we do shiatsu massage in our cabin. That's up the road. So if you want to book it in, here's the number to text us on to try and organize it. And so we're like,

Oh, let's try and do that. And the number that they had put down was too long by one digit. And there were two separate runs of digits in the number that were three numbers in a row. So I was like, okay, so one of these they've just put. So then I've got like a 50. You're doing a bit of Sudoku now. You're trying to figure out what's going on.

I've got a 50-50 shot. You know, I've just got to roll the dice on like which one of these have they put too many of. So type out the text. Hey, it's Tommy. It's staying at this cottage. Yeah, wondering if we could get the shiatsu massage tomorrow. Ba-bow. I think you've got the wrong number.

And then I write back, oh, well, would you want to come and give me a massage? Ghosted. Nothing. Free bit of comedy for you. Come on. Get in the mix. It's funny. I feel like we're in a First World Problems therapy group right now.

First World Comedians. They fucked up the number. What about this? People think about stand-up comedy and they think, heckling is a big thing. When in reality, it's an extremely minor thing, don't you think? Like, it's a very, very minor thing. The view people have of it, like in the movies where it's like there's a perfect moment of

silence and the person in the crowd yells out a fucking zinger that absolutely levels the comedian. And also, like, people, like, I've even seen some very dodgy comedy schools where it's like, lesson three, dealing with hecklers. very dodgy comedy schools where it's like, lesson three, dealing with hecklers. And it's like, man, it's not like the top three things you have to deal with or anything. You know what I hate?

When audience members are coming in and they're like being, you know, you're trying to get people to sit in the front or whatever and they're like, oh, okay, just I really hope that the comedian doesn't heckle us. We're not going to get heckled from on the stage, are we? It's like, God, you're a fucking smooth brain. Get out. It's not heckling from on the stage, are we? It's like, God, you're a fucking smooth brain. Get out. Yeah.

It's not heckling from the comedian. Yeah. It's their job. It's being funny. Whatever. It's work. Yeah. So I think it's relatively minor.

So the last two times I've hosted a comedy night, I have been successfully heckled. And it doesn't happen that often. Like even getting heckled sort of thing. But I've been successfully heckled in very different styles. Wow. And I've put my hand up and go, right, you got me both times.

So this is completely different conditions. So what do you think about this? Is there any chance that this is the same person No No That would be Yeah Because you would really feel like

You get you the first time That it's like I'm going to fucking follow This cunt to every gig Look Well look I would love You're like

Oh no Jimmy Carr Is on the door list again The breakout hitter Of the Melbourne International Comedy Festival You wouldn't believe it I fly to Melbourne And then I just

fucking roast this cunt for fucking 10 minutes and I fly home. Mate, didn't you cancel a Wembley gig today? Yeah, mate. Fucking got you.

Yeah. Well, man, I'd be, I would love it if it was the same person but this is on two different sides

of the one continent so I doubt that that's a thing. So, last Friday I hosted Basement Comedy Club and I hadn't that's a thing so last Friday I hosted Basement Comedy Club and I hadn't

hosted I hadn't done I haven't been doing that many gigs so I was a bit rusty then the crowd I think

I would like to think were a bit rusty as well so I'm fucking trying as hard as I can the crowd were rusty alright well not used to just sitting on a chair

and laughing ah they were a bit rusty the rust bit, yeah. You're one to talk, Mr. The Gig's going well and everyone's walking.

Yeah. Shut up, guys. Why would anyone listen to this podcast? It's a collection of the worst comedians describing the ways

in which we fail. This is coming from small hotel cunts. Yeah, yeah. Can't get a riff going in the juice bar. Thinking about going up and having a pint with a fucking stranger.

I'm more than happy to say the majority of our income comes from podcasting, not stand-up comedy. So I think these are all very believable angles. Both bad career choices. So I'm doing this. I'm like, again, I'm not doing the best job. I'm fishing. I've decided to just go. I'm not doing any material. I'm just asking, I'm like, again, I'm not doing the best job. I'm fishing. I'm doing, I've decided to just go, I'm not doing any material,

I'm just asking people, you know, who they are, what their story is, what they do, all that sort of stuff. So I'm doing that, chucking the lines in. So you're like Parkinson at this point. Like what? You know, Parkinson. There's a fucking interviewer guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, about as funny as that. Yeah, yeah. So I'm asking. The Kentucky Fried Chicken on Chapel Street. He's like a legacy interviewer guy. Yeah, about as funny as that. He's like a legacy interviewer. He's television royalty. But not getting a lot of laughs. Some good questions. So that's what I was doing.

Some interesting questions. You're going deep with these people. So no one's laughing, but the audience members that you're talking to are going, thank you so much for this. No one in my life Gives a fuck about You know No one at home Is asking me

How I was Finally Australia's Oprah Yeah They're like How was the comedy show Last night Yeah Wasn't that funny

But I tell you what The life of a paramedic Wow Also the show Raised a lot of questions Yeah I felt so seen up there It was just great

There's Oh you go here So I What seen up there. It was just great. Oh, you go ahead. So what was happening was I was just fishing and going, oh, you know, what's your story? What do you do? What do you do? So I just, you know, it's the old question, what do you do for a living sort of thing.

And I must have chucked it out there five times in a row without getting anything that I could deal with. And then a voice from the crowd that just goes, hey, mate, what do you do? Oh, my God. That is legendary. Just between the eyes. Sick. And does that light the room up?

Yeah, it got a good laugh. Fuck yeah. I had to put the hand up and go, yep, yep. You fucked me there. Yeah, you did get me. Well done. Yeah, you did get me. You brought the loop in.

You fucked me in the ass. Good stuff, mate. To be fair, on the stat sheet, that goes down as an assist by you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, you're right. You've put them in open space. Yeah, yeah, you're right. You're right.

So they're floundering for five minutes. Surely someone in this audience can fuck me up. It's a beautiful dance, isn't it? Hey, a laugh's a laugh. People were entertained by it. Not your laugh. People were entertained by it. I've done my job.

A laugh's a laugh. A laugh's a laugh. A laugh's a laugh. You're just like, yeah, I bombed, but then I put up some episodes of Mr Bean on the phone, and that killed. I'm the one who downloaded them. They're my laughs. A laugh's a laugh.

I always wonder with a guy like that who gets a ripper away, whether they're like, are they a funny guy in their group of friends, or is it just like they've just absolutely gotten lucky? Do you know what I mean? Is that like a good instinct or is it just like, you know? Because that feeling of like the adrenaline coursing through your veins and being like, I'm going to do it. I reckon I'm going to say this and I reckon it's going to be pretty fucking good.

It must feel incredible. Absolutely. You feel juiced. That would feel better than any of our best bits getting a good response. I was at a gig the other night and this MC was fucking dog shit. He thought he was Parkinson up there. So that happened in Melbourne, right? Now, flashback.

What do you do? Flash. I'm beating off to the story. It's so good. Imagine Michael Parkinson asking that to whoever it is, Brad Pitt up there. So what do you do? And Brad Pitt going to Parky,

what do you do? And he just keeps going. It goes for half an hour. What do you do? Yeah. What do you do? Yeah, what do you do? And then Parkinson getting done by it and going, yeah, fair call, you got me. You got me, Brad.

And then just welcoming on another guest. I've done my job. I've got the laughs. I've got the assist. Now, can I ask? Let's bring on. Can I ask, do you remember what were some of the jobs that you were getting that weren't bearing any fruit?

Oh, you know, the thing that kills you is a lot of, oh, production manager. You know, that sort of stuff where you're like, what do you fucking do with this? Production manager? Yeah. Fuck, he got sitting in your crowd. Well, what do you mean? Production manager.

Yeah, production manager is pretty cool. What would you do with that, Kappa? I would go your crowd? Well, what do you mean? Production managers. Yeah, production managers are pretty cool. What would you do with that, Kappa? I would go, wow, cool, managing productions. Oh, there we go. There's a lot of cool cafes on Chapel Street. Have you tried the KFC? No, you've gone into gear straight away. Why are you walking out?

Please come back. Please come back. You're walking out because it's good, right? You're getting more people, right? But seriously, which puppy wouldn't you eat? That's a problem. But seriously, how about this? So I've gone through the line and gotten five production managers

or whatever it is, all those sort of things where it's like, oh, what am I going to do with this? You know, nothing. Then I bring on my friend of the show, Mike Goldstein, who's the first act, who then walks on and goes, hey, he was asking a lot about jobs, and then I saw you nudge your mate and go, go on, go on, go on, and then they didn't say anything.

What's your job? And the guy goes, I run a sewage farm. And I'm like, you motherfucker. Why did you fucking say that one? Yeah, yeah, that's great. Well, Carl, I heard a story about some of your crowd work, a true story. A true story? I heard this true story that you were going through the –

this is the level of your crowd work. Apparently you said, what do you do to a guy? And he goes, I'm a teacher I'm a PE teacher and then you said we found the pedophile yes because you know why

you know you know why because that's the guy who heckled me that's the guy who heckled me so then I went back to him and went what do you do

and went oh I'm just going to do an easy dunk on you so hang on so he's done you with the what do you do and then you've licked your wounds

and you've come back and you've gone alright I'm feeling confident I'm going to ask this guy what he does you've had 15 minutes to get to trust you

it doesn't matter what you do it doesn't matter what he said I'm a nurse you're a pedophile also I fuck kids for a living Doesn't matter what he said. I'm a nurse. You're a pedophile. Yeah, I'm a pedophile. Also, I love-

I fuck kids for a living. Also, I love that I know exactly who would have told you that, which is my goal scene, meaning that joke would have been classy compared to his material. That's top shelf. No, actually, I did a podcast with him before I came here, and I was like, so how did Carl go hosting? He's like, I've got this.

And I'm like, hell yeah. Because I thought he was going to say something like pretty arbitrary or whatever, and then the moment he said, we found the pedophile, I was like, I have to bring this up. I think that's the green-eyed monster from Goldstein. I think that would be good from him. And then apparently you pulled your

dick out and then you did like this weird helicopter dance and then you asked people to limbo on the stage. There's a

Keeney's back and then you said, that's what I do. And apparently someone didn't limbo under the

stick good enough and everybody laughed and you go, a laugh's a laugh, here's your next act.

You should make looks like we found the pedophile your limbo under the stick good enough and everybody laughed and you go a laugh's a laugh here's your next act that's not bad so anyway you should make looks like we found the pedophile your catchphrase if you just did that if you just did that for like

any job that comes up it should be the name of your next hour yeah we found the pedophile Carl Chandler we found the pedophile that alludes to me

I can't do that I must be pointing at someone else in the poster no it's your it's like your touk Predator style thing on the poster. So it's you in front of a laptop, kind of like pretending to be like an eight-year-old girl. People have been like, I don't know if I want to see. The funniest thing about you, know Getting levelled by hecklers

Didn't you do a show one year Which was just you getting heckled By professional comedians Yes Well don't ask Didn't you do that You participated in it So yes

Yeah As Carl said The crowd was rusty They don't know he's good at heckling Yeah This is only on one coast I'm just thinking that, you know, you could do, you know,

we found the pedophile next year. But once you get your sea legs and you're feeling confident again, the year after that, your hour could be called heckle this pedophile. It'd be funny if you had your own talk show and you're like,

oh, Putin's in the news again. He's invading Ukraine. So It's like we found a pedophile. Yeah, that's great. Really, it's great. All right, all right, stop clapping now. And then you just wait for a minute between punchlines. Oh, man, it works for everything. It's so good.

That could be the aristocrats. Who travelled the furthest to get here this evening? It works for everything. It's so good. That could be your The Aristocrats. Who travelled the furthest to get here this evening? Where are you from? Toy Town. Looks like. Round of applause who's been here before. Oh, well.

It looks like we've found the better ones. It literally works for anything. Scientists have found a new organism that doesn't have a mouth or an anus. And then just wait for a minute of silence and go, looks like we've found the pedophile. And you're teasing him. You're really drawing out the silence. People are starting to like mouth, on the edge of their seats,

like starting to kind of mouth it along. You're like, uh-uh-uh. Yeah. So you've got a sickening story. So that's, yeah, that story so that's yeah that's that's literally the last two times I've

emceed so that's that's only on Friday then the last time was in Perth the other side

of our glorious nation where I was hosting at Oasis Comedy Club in which if you're listening

to this fresh off the press Nick Capra is appearing at yes this week which I'm sure you would have plugged at the end of the show.

Absolutely, you would have. Yeah, yeah. Please, please don't walk out. No, it's a... You know what? Nick Capper might be a little ass, a lot of exercise. Come along and have a bit of a workout. I like that you think it's happening everywhere you go and you just attribute it to the place you're performing.

It's a bit of a Gold Coast crowd thing. They sort of walk out. The home of exercise. The Gold Coast. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, Perth. We're in Perth. So, I've gone, and it's been the opposite of the gig the other night

where I've come out and I've done all the crowd work, and it's all worked. It's all gone. I'm batting 100. Yeah, wow. It's all going great. But i'm also a bit drunk so i'm going you know probably a bit too aggressive maybe but it's all good most of it's most of it's good but i am going you've you've just scaled down from 100 percent of it's good to most of it's good like in the space of one conjunction no no no look it was

all good but it's like in hindsight you well, maybe I went a bit hard here. Also, the story where you just called a teacher a pedophile, and now we're hearing about a time you were a bit aggressive. Finally. That's you on the back foot. No, that's me saying, officer, he shot me. That's why I shot him in the back. When I called him a naughty anti-vaxxer pedophile.

If I was the first one to shoot, I'll put my hand up. I'm at fault. But if I'm sitting back at someone, that's self-defense. Asking five, just rattling off five, what do you do? It's pretty antagonistic to a comedy audience. Oh, I deserve it. Okay, all right. So, no, so I'm in Perth, and so I'm doing that,

and it's all going very well. It's going great. So it's gone I'm in Perth and so I'm doing that and it's all going very well. It's going great. So it's going so, it's gone so well that I thought, you know what? And I had some flyers for this podcast in my bag. And I thought, you know what? I've done so well tonight. I'm going to take the piss a little bit.

I'm going to stand out and I'm just going to like hand out the flyer. Yeah, you liked all my bullshit. Like that's because I didn't do any standup. I was just doing crowd work. So I'm just making up stuff. Like, well, I make up't do any stand-up. I was just doing crowd work, so I'm just making up stuff. Like, well, I make up stuff on these podcasts every week. Take a flyer on your way out.

So the gig's finished. Oh, no. People walk past and go, oh, yeah. And some people grab the flyer and some people just go, oh, great job, that was really funny, whatever. A buzzer beater. Then a guy walks past and attempts a bit of amateur psychology. He walks past and goes,

hey, mate, were you bullied as a child? Fucking awesome. And I go, and I'm like, okay, I can see what's going on here. I've gone a bit aggressive and now he's like,

he's trying to psychoanalyze me. That's his little snip at me. And I go, and I'm like, I'm riding high on the gig. I'm like, you know, whatever. And he goes hey mate were you bullied as a child and i go not not really and he goes well you should have been

and just walked out that's good that's fucking really good yeah i think that's really good yeah yeah i would love to know what he had up his sleeve. I guess he's got you either way. Because if you say, yeah, he had it both ways. I thought so. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He had it both ways. Fuck, so that's a good line. Yeah. But then you could have came back and gone, no, no one should be bullied.

I think in our society what you should be doing, you should be praised for your efforts and for your downfalls. You should be told those are mistakes. I thought, Carl, you shouldn't really bully children. Yeah, yeah. In my opinion, you should fuck them. Yeah. I was going to say, ask him. He's pointing at himself, you shouldn't really bully children. Yeah, yeah. In my opinion, you should fuck them. Yeah.

I was going to say, asking. And then he's pointing at himself and he goes, what's up? Yeah. This guy's asking about school. Looks like we found a pedophile.

Yeah, yeah, that's it. Yeah, he goes, so everything that anyone ever says is me trying to find how few steps I can get to going back to the pedophile. Six degrees of a six-year-old.

I think until you've got a few gags up your sleeve You know a few alts I think You know just Hold true with your pedophile gear Man I think yeah You don't even need any steps Like if he goes

When you bully at school And you go Looks like we found a pedophile Fucking Do the steps Okay Yeah yeah yeah Cause then it's like he's driving home He's like where the fuck do the steps. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because then it's like he's driving home.

He's like, where the fuck did that come from? What did I say to fucking inspire that? I mean, it's interesting. Do you think he's telling his mates, he's going, I got this guy with a good one? Yeah. The way you tell the story, I feel like this guy's got a sort of devil may care attitude. He's just incidentally funny wherever he goes. I don't even think this is like a top five anecdote for him.

Oh, no, I don't think so either. I think maybe he took the flyer from you and he started listening to this off the back of that and he's forgotten about that interaction until now. He's like, oh, yeah, I did do that. That would be beautiful. Oh, no. I remember he did not take the flyer. Oh, okay, right.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. He was keeping his distance. Just cuts to that guy smoking a cigar, getting a head job, and is surrounded by his mates, and they're like, so what, take us through it again. What did you say? Yeah. And then she, like, lifts up her head and she goes,

oh, that's so funny, you did it again. It's like, yeah, thank you. Can't believe you did that. And his mates are just patting his own patting on the back. You should stop sharing on the podcast all of these anecdotes of people heckling you successfully because it dilutes the value of getting one up on the podcast all of these anecdotes of people heckling you successfully because it dilutes the value of getting one up on the Great Coal Channel. Well, maybe I'm saying this is the level you have to go to to get me.

So if you've got something as good as that, feel free. But if you've got something less than that, don't bother. Yeah, but this is the problem. Everyone that yells out, they think they've got that. That's why everyone's like, oh, the fucking great man. Do you have sympathy? You know, sometimes when someone yells something out, you can feel the energy in their voice.

They're thinking this is going to rip. Yeah. And then it's just deathly silence. I can sympathize, if not empathize, with the burning shame that they'll feel. You took a chance. And on one hand, good on you, you took a chance. On the other hand, it was fucking insane.

Just sitting in the silence and the regret of the decision they've made. I wish I'd have taped it because then maybe I could have done the reverse of those viral videos. Hickler owns comedians. Hickler destroys comedians. Comedian eats shit. Yeah, I've seen it. I think we've told this before on the pod,

but we were at a friend's birthday years ago. We went to a screening of The Room where people are like yelling out and everything. And it's like big group of comedians in this birthday party. You have to sort of learn the lines. Was that my birthday party? No. No.

Oh, okay. I don't think I was invited to that one. I did a birthday party and we all went to the room. It was Xavier Michaelides, wasn't it? Yes. It was his birthday. So a big group of comedians. And yeah, you've got to learn the lines and everything.

But also we're just like yelling stuff out. It's dumb. All the nerds up the front were learning the lines. It's like, here's your hymn sheet to heckle at a movie. And we're like, what the fuck are you talking about? Yeah, yeah, yeah. If we're allowed to yell out, we're going to yell out whatever the fuck we want. Brought the spoons in

and shit like that. Meanwhile, we're just going like a sex scene starts and like a guy that we know who roots a lot, we're like, that's you. Yeah, yeah. And it's killing

with our group of mates. It's like good stuff. Everyone's got good gear. Not only that, it was catching on to people, to strangers who did not know this person and were turning around

and pointing at our friend. I've got to say, that's you is like one of the funniest. The best. It's probably one of the funniest. The best. It's the two best words in the English language. Timeless pieces of material. No, no, but you can't say that.

Yeah, because that's the only way you can deflect my new great catchphrase. Looks like we've found the pedophile. Yeah, that's you. Oh, my God. Fucking hell. Jesus. I got a huge expose done on me. I went to the new Thor movie, Pissed, with Ben Knight and our friend Josh Barnes and my partner.

What's his name? I can't wait for everyone to get the credit except for... You know the one with the face and shit you know what I mean that I live with but yeah we were there and when the Marvel

Studios thing came up I went whoa like that like real that like whoa like and I fucking

crushed why not why did that crush just because I just did it for too long. Just going, whoa. You know what I mean?

What were you communicating? You're surprised? You're excited? Yeah, yeah. Right, okay. That's the joke. You're excited by the logo. Anyway, did it again at some other point.

When Thor came up, I was like, whoa. Fucking crushed again. Absolutely destroyed. Fucking crushed again Absolutely destroyed And then The next Like a week later or something I was talking to a friend about it

I was like It was so funny And my partner How many times have you told this story? My partner Caitlin She was annoyed She kept tapping me on the button Like

Here's what I found on the internet That's what Looks like we found the pedophile that's my phone here's what I found on the

internet how many kilometers do you drive a year anyway how many kilometers do

you drive a year if god damn I don't know if funnier kilometers millions almost anyway it's better than KFC If funny are kilometres, millions. Almost.

It's better than KFC. I'm going better. Anyway, she said, do you realise that nobody laughed at those things you said in the movie and only Nighty and Josh Barnes laughed at that and then they only laughed at the second one, like not at the first one like not at the first one and not at the third one

you excluded the third one yeah yeah the third one was at the end of the movie when they had the easter egg and I was like whoa wait so you did this three times and you thought it was going great guns yeah and you got told that no one likes it and now you're telling

it on this you thought it went so well you were telling people the anecdote of you going I thought I was crushing it because I hadn't done that kind of prankster shit

in a movie in a long time I love that being labelled as prankster real jackass behaviour it was so fun it was so fun when you'd be in a movie

I remember one time I was watching a. It was so fun when you'd be in a movie and you just, I remember one time I was watching a movie and someone yelled out, when does he die? And I fucking, the whole cinema lost it. Really? I do like a well-placed movie. Yeah. Well, this room session, yeah, we're all going bananas

and there was like a group of younger guys behind us who you could tell were a bit like wanting to get in on it. And then like near the end of the film there was like this like the mom and the daughter talking to each other and this this guy behind us just goes yeah why don't you fuck off you dumb whore and just we all go oh like you could tell he was like oh i want to be i want to be in the mix with the funny guys and then we just turn on him instantly and give him nothing. They actually, you have to call them hotel workers now.

He, I reckon, with that young man would think about that interaction weekly, I reckon. It was a real comedy education. Everything we were doing was interlinked. It was all about our friend. There were callbacks. It was all to do with sex. We broke him too. He cracked it.

He stood up in the session and went, fuck off guys. Other people have sex too. It's not just me. It's like, yes, we've got him here. We've absolutely got him. You admit it. You have sex.

I like that. I've been the, not with those heckles, but I know the feeling of that friend as well, where you just, you know, for whatever reason, the ripping just goes too far. It's not like anything crosses the line. Oh, we got to go. Tonally, but you're just like, fuck, come on.

You guys, I still get bullied for this. During one of the lockdowns, I was living with Chelsea, my partner, and her cousin was living with us as well. And they're like real good mates and they can gang up on you. You know, if they get it going, you're in big trouble. And they were just like mercilessly bullying me about something. And I was like at the end of my rope and I was like,

oh, you guys suck. Walked out of the room and it's all I hear still to this day. We've got an ongoing one at the moment, like as of today, this like group chat of people that were at the party last night that we were just all there organising, getting there beforehand or whatever and then everyone just checking in today on how everyone's going. And one of my mates is like, oh, I'm at the footy

and I'm fucking struggling. And then another friend has posted a screenshot of someone that they know has posted on Instagram. And you can see someone in the crowd that looks like our mate. And she's posted it and gone, is this you? This is so random. Like if this my friend has just randomly taken a photo of you, she doesn't know you. And he's like, oh, no, that's not me.

That looks like me, but it's not me. And I've gone, nah, that's you. And then everyone's just going, it is. I think it is definitely you. And he's fucking really getting worked up about it. Like not in a good state to handle it. Just like, he's fucking wearing different clothes. Like posting photos of himself and what he's wearing.

It's like, no, it is you. You've changed clothes. It's you. I'm not at the footy. Yeah. Looks like we found the pedophile. God, I'm still having so much fun with it. It never gets old.

Well, neither does it. My brother is quite a handsome fellow. So you're adopted? Yeah, it's uncanny. The juxtaposition between me and my brother is fucking wild. He's like very, whatever he says, everyone always listens and he's very funny and he's really cool actually, my brother. He doesn't do much lately.

He's kind of starting his own Amazon business. Most words don't go together. My brother is... He's not doing much at the moment. He's just starting his own biggest company in the world business. Oh, yeah, and he works part-time for the government.

But, yeah, that's it. Yeah, yeah. So, he's going to open an online retailer? Yes. Yeah, he has already. He sells, like, phone holders

for motorbikes and shit. Yeah. Just like Amazon does. Yeah, yeah. It's a hard thing to explain. Well, he did a pretty good job. Yeah, yeah. I get it. thing to explain. Well, he did a pretty good job. Yeah, I get it. I mean, for how handsome he is, he sounds like a fucking idiot.

Maybe he's not adopted. Look, disparage me all you want, but do not disparage my handsome brother. I'm not saying he's not hot. I draw a line at my handsome brother. He's very intelligent, and he would be in a bigger hotel. He would be in a huge hotel. I'm sure none of us would want to talk to him, but we'd all want to fuck him. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He'd have a big calculator.

I reckon I'd have a pint with your brother, and we'd probably get along okay. Yeah, yeah. He's very good to talk to. He's one of those guys who doesn't give you too much information, but you always kind of want to know what he's saying. If I'd had plans with Kappa's brother today, I'm pulling myself out of bed i'm making sure i'm there that's does your schoolmate listen to the podcast no yeah great yeah i'm in international waters i can do whatever i want you can't get me can't but uh mutual friend of ours does though he said a few times um

you know my uncle whenever i'm having dinner he goes oh you know, my uncle, whenever we're having dinner, he goes, oh, you look like Sean Penn to my brother. And I'm like, more like Sean Penn-us. And then the whole family, for some reason, fucking loves it. Are you sure? Are you sure they love it? This isn't a movie situation. This is a Nick Capper drunk at the movies. Are you sure about that? This isn't a movie situation. This is a Nick Capper drunk at the movies. Are you sure?

And it pisses him off so bad because it is the dumbest call. I thought it would get nothing. And I've used it at least two or three times. He looks like Sean Penn. I'm more like Sean Penn. And I can just see him boiling. I'm going to have to ask your girlfriend about this, what the actual reaction was.

Yeah, it's huge. And I don't know why. I don't know why. It's not bad. It's so great. I like it better than Four. Four? Four.

Four. No, I like Four better. Okay. Yeah, it's so good. Well, we should go watch a movie after this and I'll do it. These two guys who have done nothing to consolidate their comedic taste or reputation. Just shooting the breeze, chewing the fat about bits with each other. This is backstage at the open mic with Nick and Carl.

We all go to a movie together after this and it's just us. There's like two other people or whatever. It's like 10.30 on a Sunday night. Us in an Avengers movie, both trying to see how hard we can bomb in there. I'd love to see some people try this on at Kappa's upcoming Perth gigs. Start to the 69 a bit. Yes, yes.

What about this? So we're in, as we were talking about, we're in quite a very nice area of Melbourne right now, just off Chapel Street. So we are recording at night on a Sunday night. So it's a bit of a different deal with parking. So I've driven and you're looking at all signs and I'm always on edge.

I've always got a bit of anxiety about, am I supposed, am I allowed to park here? What am I doing here? I'm double, I'm checking the, triple checking the signs. Because it just seems like you shouldn't be allowed to park in Chapel Street more than five minutes or something for some reason. So I've found a spot, I've checked it a bunch of times and gone, right, that's real.

I can park here. Surely that's real. Okay. That's real. Yeah. I'm like, I've been tricked too many times where I've gone, oh, fuck, apart from this or whatever. Like, okay, all right.

It's almost too good of a park. So I'm like, oh, fuck, apart from this or whatever. Like, okay, all right. It's almost too good of a park. So I'm like, right, okay. I'm happy with that. So I get out and then I see the car behind me has a ticket. Okay. And I'm like, fuck, okay, now I've got to go back and recheck the whole system. Like, something's going on here. How's he got a ticket?

He's parked at the same time as me. I'm pretty sure you can't get a ticket at this time. So I've checked the ticket and he's gotten the ticket. It says, we found the pedophile. Looks like we found the pedophile. Oh, yes. And it's a catcher printed a production proof comment. Did you see that thing ages ago?

I'm sure this has been done more than once, but there was an online thing of some people who'd done their wedding invites. They were parking tickets and then just going around to the cars of everyone that they were inviting and stuck them on. So it's like you come up and you're like, ah, fuck it. And then they've done the font the same and everything. So then they're looking and it's like, oh, it's actually, we invite you to our...

It's like, I would fucking not go to the wedding. I'd be so fucking mad in that moment fuck these people but doing that but it's just yeah it looks like we found the pedophile I'd contest the invitation

let's make up a let's photoshop up a like a yeah a parking infringement thing but it just says looks like we found

the pedophile people can print it off and on and just leave it on cars in their neighbourhood. It's legitimately good, mate. $69 fine. Yeah, do it all.

The guy's like, well, at least I didn't get a fine. I knew it. I didn't know that was a fine. I thought that was like a jail time. I'd rather be accused of fucking a kid than give the council $180. Fuck that. Yeah, I'm glad my eyesight hasn't gone. I'm sure I read that sign properly.

So anyway, I see this car. This car by me has got the fine. I've checked. He's been parked there for a few hours. And I'm trying to do the sums. I'm going, okay, all right. Yeah, yeah, I think I can still park here. And then I look inside the car car and I've never seen this before

tell me if you've seen this but on his rear vision mirror he's just got it covered in parking tickets so he's he's taped the parking tickets to the rear vision mirror almost as a bit of a like

fuck you guys give me a ticket I'm just going to fucking stick it to the mirror I'm not doing anything with it so he can't he can't actually see is it covering the actual mirror no it's from the mirror you know from the from the bottom of the mirror just hanging down wow like you know wow like streamers or something what a weird kink like a like a farmer string up a dead fox on a gate yeah yeah yeah this is what's going to happen. That's a real boss move.

It's a very weird move. Is that a bit, because there's a thing on Brown Cardigan like yesterday where it was like a car that had all these tickets on it and then the person had just written in paper, stuck from the inside, it just said, leave it on the pile, cunt. Right. It's a bit of that. That's the vibe.

Guess what? I'm not paying it. Get a load of this. Print it out. Go for it. That's Guess what I'm not paying it Get a load of this Print it out Go for it That's the vibe I'm getting from it Yeah yeah yeah Absolutely

That's cool You only see that in like Around these areas They're like fuck it I'll pay it You know cause like You don't get any points You don't lose points From parking tickets do you

No So you can just live And be a madman Yeah If you've got enough money You can just be You can be like the fucking But if that's what he's doing

right now, this guy's doing right now, it's like, odd time to do it. Like on a Sunday night, like I get it, it's like Monday lunchtime. There's never an odd time

to be a bad boy. Yeah. I was doing that when I moved house and before I got my permit, I would get a ticket because there's always a lot of inspectors

in my area and I just would like leave. I just like left the ticket there because I was like, well, I'm going to, the permit's on the way. So I'm going to try

and just like contest it when the permit turns up and be like, hey, I technically have one. Can I like get out of this or whatever? Thinking that by leaving it there it would be like,

you know, they're like, oh, well, you know, he's already gotten a ticket. But no, it does not stop them at all. They're just racking them up. Fucking hell.

Well, you'll be pleased to hear, I actually saw a warden out on his rounds on this street corner, and they've got a cool new chalk. You know how they chalk the tires? It's got a cool new, it's like a back scratcher, but for chalk.

Yes, I've seen that. Like one of those 1920s cigarette holders. Yeah, yeah. So, you know, the money's going somewhere. Man, that can be a cool little prank you can do, like, you know, when you're talking to the TV producer or whatever, you walk up to the guy and you go, hey, mate, how about putting a little bit of chalk on me?

It's not really a prank. I'm, you know, I'm not succeeding very much in my riffs with strangers in this trip. Man, I reckon this is a new angle and I reckon it's good. Isn't it funny to think the idea of the parking inspector's union have come in and gone, these fucking guys are doing their backs. This is inhumane.

They need a little fucking back scratcher chalk thing. And I was like, you know what? That makes sense. You will get a sore back leaning downer chalk thing. And I was like, you know what? That makes sense. You will get a sore back leaning down chalking all them tires. But to come up with that technology and still not find a better way of putting a fucking blackboard chalk on a tire. It is crazy that there's not just like an app that they use. Something else. Yeah.

not just like an app that they use. Something else. Yeah. It sounds like, you know, like a 90s, like an 80s, like what glam metal song, like Hot for Teacher, like, Hey, baby, put a little chock on me. Fucking inspector, put a little chock on me. I don't know what cancer did to you, man. I need to go to bed Alright well let's wrap it up there

For another week On the Little Dumb Dumb Club Nick Capper Guy Montgomery Thank you for joining us Thank you Guy what have you got coming up That you would care to plug

Your podcast The Worst Idea of All Time Yeah yeah absolutely And if you're in Auckland I'm screening The Terminator at the Capitol Cinema. I've never seen it before on Tuesday the 6th of September, so come along. I'm screening classic films I've never seen. It's a series called You'd Love It, and I write a little bit of stand-up about what I think the movie's going to be about beforehand.

Oh, great, man. The Terminator. Have you seen the movies that made us the aliens documentary on Netflix? No. Oh, you should watch that. Wow, I keep getting told what movies to watch. Yeah. I'm not going to.

Anyway, but don't do a thing about that because that's just a Netflix show. Yeah, I think so. Don't do a full stand-up thing about that. And then go, I haven't seen this before. It was recommended by Nick Capa. You got it, brother. Way ahead of you. Like, don't do that.

Like, just don't do that guy. All right. Capa, you're in Perth this weekend. So folks in Perth, get your fucking walking shoes ready. Also, Brett Blake didn't trust Capa to plug the shows they're doing together. So he sent me the list of things. So everyone, go and see Kappa. And Pizza Hut.

No? What? Yeah, okay. Fucking hell. He can't stop riffing. Yeah. Brisbane. Pizza Hut.

Olverstone. Pizza Hut in Brisbane. Launceston. Hobart. Bendigo. Newcastle. The tickets are in. Nick Kappa and Brett Blake's InstaBuyers. Go to kfc.com.au and you get all the tickets.

It's your fucking tour. Hey, I like to complain. If no one turns up, no one can walk out. Can't kill a dead man. But we've got to have the dates, don't we? Oh, now you want to put a fucking Bit of attention to detail Yeah yeah that's it

No but if If you're in any of those towns They're coming up very soon They're coming up in September and October So if you'd like any of that sort of stuff No one listens to this bit of the podcast Yeah Oh really?

Don't make us listen to the dates When no one else will Yes Go to Well here's my thoughts on this Go to Cameron Blythe. I'll tell you what, they're taking our jobs. And I am not cool with it.

Oh, who cares? You came on our boat. You know, I don't care. I'm white. I'm loving being white. Do you want to hear more of that? Fuck, sounds like someone's gotten the terminal diagnosis during the week.

I don't agree. No consequences for me. I don't agree with what that Andrew Tate guy stands for or whatever. Anyway, Alderstone, Alderstone, Hobart, Bendigo, Newcastle, Brisbane. Everyone should have free speech. That's the kind of thing I... If you like the sound of what you've heard in this episode, that's the places you could go to.

Otherwise, run away from those locations. Look, the KKK, it's a bad organisation. All right, guys. Thanks very much for listening and we'll see a bad organisation. Alright guys, thanks very much for listening and we'll see you next time. See you mates. And they've done it again.

Oh wow, it feels good to just stretch out in this luxurious man-child cave here. Yeah, yeah, yeah,

yeah. We can do handstands in this joint. joint fucking what would you pay for a hotel room like this this is this is fucking if this was the hotel room and you were sleeping on that fold-out sofa well be better be we're doing a lot more comfortably than we that's true i can actually see your face i don't know if i mentioned that on the episode but with the down lighting and you wearing a hat you looked like um. You looked like someone who's on a current affair, speaking out about a teacher that interfered with them back in the day

and they want to protect their identity. Have you ever wondered whether you've got anything repressed like that? Sometimes you think of stuff like that and you go, I wonder if all of a sudden someone can just say something one day and go button and you go, oh, fuck, that's right, grade three. We're doing a Patreon right after this and I do not have the time to dig into that right now. We're already running behind schedule.

But let's table that. Let's circle back around to that. I think that could be a whole episode if we really wanted it to. I'll write that on my hand and remind myself, was I diddled as a child? But short answer, yes, all the time. Right.

Like all the time. Like an issue that you have or some kind of thing that's, you know, about your personality where it's like, what if you just figured out that this is the reason? Right. Because it's all got to come from somewhere. Right, yeah. If you just sat down and did a big mind map of everything that you do and why you do it. Yeah. And it was just all different people who'd...

Potentially could have diddled you and you hire a private investigator to kind of like follow them around and go, honestly, do you think that this person could have interfered with me when I was a kid? Can you make a diddling family tree for me? Yeah, exactly. And that's why I'm scared of the sound of motorbikes. That's why I don't like eggs.

But yeah, like a thing like that, for example, like, yeah, being at a cafe and someone like a loud motorbike going past, I hate it. It fucking freaks me shit out.

And it's like, yeah, what if I was fucking molested by a hell's angel? And that's why. Like, you know, it's tempting to just go, well, it's because it's a loud, obnoxious noise.

Okay. But, you know, it could be. Yeah. You know, it might not be that. Absolutely. Because it's all learned. Yeah, that makes sense. You know what?

Speaking of, do you know what the most, so that's a real thing of yours. You hate motorbikes when you're at a cafe. Is that it? Just being outdoors and hearing that, you know, that really like, that loud sound that just cuts through the atmosphere. I fucking, yeah,

I hate it. That's a real big thing for you. That's funny because you know what the biggest thing for me is in terms of something,

something that no one else does, something that just happens and I just go, fuck! It's the most absolutely infuriating thing is when somehow I accidentally yank the earbuds out of my ears.

Whatever that is. Say if I drop my phone and that causes my earbuds to be ripped out of my ears. I am fucking white hot furious. I couldn't be madder at the world than when that happens. And it just happens. I'm like, fuck! And it's like, who am i mad at but you also gravity oh that's being mad at the universe is a great one it's like no one's at fault here this

just happened yeah but that's interesting to me because you spend you've talked about this before on here you you spend a lot of time with your earbuds just in like you'll turn up to my house and just like forget forget to take them out not bother to take them out, not bother to take them out, whatever it is. And you do that regularly and you're saying you hate the idea. So you're consciously, subconsciously extending the amount of time that it's possible for the earbuds to be accidentally yanked out. And you're not yanking them out. I think they fell out of your ears before when you were playing with my dog. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You know, it's like you're just – if you train yourself to remember to take him out when you're at the front door, there's going to be less time for them to accidentally slip out. All right, all right. This has been a good little self-help lesson. See, this is what therapy's like. You can have this once a week if you wanted. This is – it actually does feel like it because you're sitting in your gaming chair, which just sort of feels a little bit like what a psychologist sort of chair would be. Imagine going to a psychiatrist and they're in your gaming chair, which sort of feels a little bit like what a psychologist's chair would be.

Imagine going to a psychiatrist and they're in a gaming chair. The secret lab titan. Is this all a game to you, mate? I'm trying to clock you. Yeah, just guzzling a monster energy drink and calling you the N-word. You're a game to me. I'm trying to clock you. Yeah, reading out your home address, like doxing you to everyone in the waiting room.

Because you're sitting up higher in your gaming chair and I'm sitting, like, leaned back, you know, almost couch-like in this little chair here. It does feel a bit like that, right? Yeah, yeah. Guys, but look, getting away from diddling for one second. Like we said, live show in Melbourne. Guys, live podcast. Hey,

I wouldn't say that's getting away from diddling, but sure. Depends how good the gig goes. Okay, to be continued, more diddling at the live show. Saturday night, October the 22nd,

so it's not that far away, not heaps and heaps and heaps of notice, but enough notice, two months notice, from when we're recording this. So get along to there, go onto our website, you'll find the tickets.

It's just a life pod. It's going to be heaps of fun. We've got some stuff planned that you'll hear about in the next couple of weeks. So it's going to be heaps of fun. Really good. So get onto that right now, please. Let's get a big uptake of tickets. Day one, day two, whatever it is.

Now, I feel like I should just do the right thing by Blakey and Kappa, who was on that episode just then. Yep. But like I said on the episode, Blakey did want me to remind you guys that not trusting Kappa to give out the dates. But look, Kappa's on this weekend, if you're listening to it right now, at the Oasis Comedy Club in Perth. So if you're in Perth, go and see that.

Otherwise, you can go and see Blakey and Kappa together in Brisbane, September 2nd. They do their Brew Dudes live show on September 4th. Ulverstone, 22nd of September. Launceston, September 23rd. Hobart, September 25th. Bendigo, October 15th. Newcastle, 11th and 12th. Go to their Insta bios to find out the links.

So there you go. Yeah, great. And Kappa said to me in the car on the way home from the pod, no to their Insta bios to find out the link. So there you go. Yeah, great. And Cap has said to me in the car on the way home from the pod, no idea how I'm going to pay for this tour, so fucking buy your tickets. Well, yeah, no idea how he's going to pay for a tour. Of course, you gave him a ride to the podcast, so he couldn't pay to fucking do the podcast.

Of course. That is an optimistic way of doing your job. How am I going to pay for doing my job? Yeah, exactly. Yeah, I was like, well, I mean, you're doing the tour, right? And you'll sell tickets to that. And then you get half of that money and that's your income. That's how it works.

You've gone and done your job for the month. And yeah, I was like, why am I having to explain this to a man who's nearly 40? to explain this to a man who's nearly 40. But look, something that we didn't actually bring up about it was, and we didn't, you know, considering the last time we talked to him, he has got the all clear and he's all healthy and well and the Bontz is getting a little bit of a covering back again. He's gone through all the chemo and everything, so he's all doing good and he's back.

He's back at comedy clubs bombing harder than ever. So, no, he's killing it, actually. So he's being very good. So go to his gigs. And, yeah, he's all on the up and up. So that's excellent news for our little mate. Yep, yep. Awesome to see the love for Kappa the last time we had him on.

And I'm sure this time as well. Yeah. I mean, obviously there's been some effect to his fucking brain if you listen to the podcast. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Apart from that. Yeah. But his body is good.

It's funny because I, did we talk about it on the show or not? Like, I picked him up from a gig before we did the ep. Yeah. And he was trying some new at the gig. Yeah. Yeah. He was on first. It was, you know, the gig wasn't really warmed up as well.

There was a lot of factors, yeah he was on first it was you know the gig wasn't really warmed up as well there was a lot of factors but he was he was struggling up there and knowing that we were about to go and do the pod with him i was like fuck we might be in trouble here i've never been more invested in like wanting someone to do well at a gig and because it's like knowing that that energy is going to carry on and have a direct effect on my job within the next half hour he's it's like knowing that that energy is going to carry on and have a direct effect on my job within the next half hour. It's like sport. You've just seen him and gone, oh, fuck, he really needs to have a good game today. Oh, no, I just saw him rip his hamstring off the bone.

There's a little boy dying in hospital right now who really needs you to fucking pull out a win today. But, hey, you can also get onto thelittledumbdumbclub.com. You can support the show on Patreon if that is something that you feel like doing. Yes. If you enjoy getting this show for free every week, you can, yeah, show your support. And you can also get two bonus episodes, little mini episodes in your feed every week. Yeah.

It's like, you know, you can feel the little cockles of your heart being warmed by doing the right thing, by paying for this show that you enjoy every week. And you get something out of it. It's like sponsoring a World Vision child and them sending you a fucking Mars bar every week. Yeah, exactly. They do that? It's like that.

It's like that. If I was them, I'd keep it. But yeah, it's like that. You get the Mars bar in the mail once a week and they've just written like From Mabutu Yeah yeah yeah And they've

And they've made it out of dirt And fucking hay Or something like that Yeah Here's your Mars bar Westerns like this sort of stuff Yeah great Gravel

Yum yum That's it Yeah bit of fucking You know Beetle dung a day What's the What's the Mars bar saying again? Oh, helps you work, rest and play.

Are they still using that? Probably not. I don't think a lot of work is getting done on the Mars bar. Yeah. Probably a bit of rest. Probably not much play either. I mean, I'm not feeling like I'm going to be active. I'm not having the Mars bar and then being like, yeah, I feel like a run.

I used to do a little bit of that. I think maybe I got sucked in by that saying. I used to try and have a Mars bar before I played soccer. Yeah, right. Yeah. Also, because Snickers

try and do the same thing. But then I'd have a bit of... You're not yourself when you... If I had a shit game, I'd be like, oh, fuck, I got the rest one. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I got the rest one.

I should have got the fucking the work or the play one. Right, right. You think it's a lucky dip. It's a real... There's three different kinds. You got a third. That's You think it's a lucky dip. It's a real... There's three different kinds. You've got a third.

That's an interesting premise for a chocolate bar. But hey, we've got to pick up the pace here because we've got one of these little Mars bars coming in hot off the back of recording this. One of our favourite guests we're recording after that.

Bonus Patreon episode that we have to record that you guys will get this week. In a couple of days. And a lot of the times it's guests who've just done the pot of Stuck Around. Not this time. It's a little... Freshie. It's a secret.

Freshie. Yeah. All right. Let's crack on. Let's open up the... The Stuart Hall of Fame. Stuart Hall of Fame. Yeah.

What's his name? Anyway. The Adam Hall of Fame. Yes. That's what I was about to say. The Adam Hall of Fame. What's his name? Anyway. The Adam Hall of Fame. Yes, that's what I was about to say. The Adam Hall of Fame. Okay, okay. Yeah, I'm threading the love. I'm playing title.

Alternator is open. Let's get the first cab off the rank. Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber Adam Hayduck. Okay, Adam Hayduck. H-A-Y-D-U-K. Okay, Hayduck. Adam Hayduck Sandwich is my favorite joke. YeahU-K Okay Hayduck Adam Hayduck Sandwich Is my favourite joke

Yeah That's good That's a good name Yeah He's heard it all I reckon at this point I don't reckon he's heard that one No not that one specific

Well you know If he's got a friend Who listens to the pod I'm sure they've You know I would love it I'm sure they've predicted If they know he's on the Patreon

They're like I bet I know what you're gonna get When your name gets read out Yeah Hey shout out to I was at the very gig that we were talking about on the show just then where I was emceeing. There was, someone came up. I was talking to someone in the crowd on the weekend and they were a-

Pedophile. No. Yeah, I heard. I heard all about it for about an hour. I'm doing rope now. Sorry. No, she was a nuclear, she worked in nuclear communications, but she was from Denmark. And then I'm like, oh, fucking, you know, a bit of pressure on the, you know, what a job.

You know, who are you going out with? Who's this bloke? And he's like, I work for Google. I'm like, fucking hell, there's two interesting jobs. So I was playing with that for a while. Then they come up in the break and the nuclear communicator from Denmark said,

oh, this is my boyfriend and he listens to you. Have you got a podcast? He listens to it. Oh yeah. Like, oh yeah.

And then she, she couldn't have been keener to go, oh, so do you do live ones and whatever? We'll come to, we'll come to a live one. I'm like, oh, actually, I think to we'll come to a live one i'm like oh actually i think we're about to announce a live one so this is for you guys this is the

announcement we're doing the live one so i hope we see you in dedicated dedicated to you guys yeah yeah and you know and also the boyfriend if you can fucking publicize it on google if you can put it on the top of the search results that'd really fucking help if you can put us at the top of the search results for a little dumb dumb club live show that would really fucking help. If you could put us at the top of the search results for Little Dumb Dumb Club live show, that would be great. As soon as you type in anything, A, and then it like auto completes A, live podcast. Oh, yeah. I wonder if this one will show up on Via Go Go.

Oh, yeah. Like our Ath show was on there. Was it? I think at one point. Was it in there? It's probably hard to remember because it was when it first went on sale two years ago. But I remember we were very fascinated with like it wasn't remember because it was when it first went on sale two years ago. Yeah. But I remember we were very fascinated with like, it wasn't sold out yet.

It had just gone on sale. Right. It was like half full at that point. Right. And it was still, you could get on Viagogo and buy tickets for like. For 200 bucks. Yeah. Something like that.

Right. I was also hanging out with listeners of this show. I was just going to say, at the very end of it was the lady from Denmark was like, yeah, it was great. You know, I was like, we've got to go to this live show, this live podcast. Well, I was just going to say, at the very end of it, was the lady from Denmark was like, yeah, it was great. You know, we've got to go to this live show, this live podcast. Yeah, great.

And then she's like, just added at the end, I mean, I haven't really understood much of what's happened tonight. Okay. I don't really understand your Australian humour

and this hasn't been very good for me, but keen to have another crack at it. And that was just a night of stand-up. That was a general night of stand-up. That was just broad. That was as easy as it gets for you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Fucking hell. And I was just a night of stand-up. That was a general night of stand-up. That was just broad. That was as easy as it gets for you.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Fucking hell. And I was speaking in Danish for most of the night as well. I was really fucking doing my best and she still couldn't understand. Yeah, right. Anyway. Well, I talked on the app about being hung over from being at a 30th on the Saturday night. And I meant to say this in the show, but I didn't get around to it.

I was at the 30th with two people who listened to this. friends of the person who's 30th it was right who i've seen you know here and there and things through and they also both go to my gym or one of them goes to my gym right and so it was nice to imagine that like them hearing my performance on this episode right and the last time they saw me was at like 2 30 in the morning being like yeah this adds up yeah wouldn't have predicted a fucking 10 out of 10 right yeah yeah always a bit of pressure when you when when you're with someone that listens to the pod in a moment like that where you go right i'm going to talk about this and i better not fucking i'm better not fuck this up i better not make myself look too good or too or embellish it too much or whatever i've got witnesses here they are going to pull me up.

Oh, you mean if you talk about an event that you know listeners were at. Yeah. And then they're going to, yeah, yeah, yeah. Very true. I remember saying that once and just not remembering something right. And then like a friend hitting me up and going, that didn't fucking happen like that. Yeah, yeah. Oh, sorry, mate.

Sorry I didn't remember something from 10 years ago spot on. Yeah, yeah. And also you're fucking performing, right? It's like doing stand-up. You do a story. You put a little, you know, you put a little mayo on it. This isn't our fucking journal. This is like, this is a product.

Like that story about the stand-up, about, you know, the whole pedophile thing. Like, I didn't even do a gig. That was all completely made up. Pedophiles don't even exist. It's a fucking rort. Yeah. Yeah, no, you're right. If there hadn't have been two listeners of that 30th, I would have come in on Sunday night with a fucking just river of a made-up story about...

Went up the beanstalk. Yep. Slayed the giant. Rooted the goose. Yep. Got a gold dick. Yep, that's it. Yep.

Adam Hayduck sandwich. Yeah, Hayduck. Thanks, Adam. Thanks, Hayduck. Thanks, Hayduck. Thanks, that's it. Yep. Adam Hay Duck sandwich. Yeah, Hay Duck. Thanks, Adam. Thanks, Hay Duck. Thanks, Hay Duck. Thanks. Could have been Adam Hay heavy truck, but even better. Could have been Adam Hay and silk condoms.

Yeah. It could have been Adam Hay. I guess we found the pedophile. Mm-hmm. So, thank you very much to patreon subscriber isaac williams isaac williams um just because we're referencing it a second ago it just has reminded me that i was thinking this this morning it's like it feels like a while since we've had one of these but i am a bit anxious about the because we're we're recording this obviously

before the episode has come out the day before we're putting up this episode. Right. And it's like I think we're on the cusp of a new dawn of our socials just being flooded with a new catchphrase. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. And I'm just kind of trying to like savor this as like the last moment. This is like you and mine's baby moon. You know what I mean?

This is like the last time. I'm just going to have a little scroll through the Facebook groups. This is the last time I could enjoy it without literally every post and comment being, looks like we found the pedophile. Is this when that started? Halfway through that episode when we were recording it, did it feel like someone in a suit walked in and went, gentlemen, you have just recorded your first US number one single.

Your life is about to change. Yeah, you've just recorded a new obnoxious catchphrase that you will hate within a week. Yeah, and it couldn't be a worse one either. No, absolutely not. It's like if someone yells at me, duck sandwich across the street. Okay, I get it. But if someone yells at me across the street, street okay i get it yeah you know whatever but

if someone yells at me across the street i guess we've found the pedophile we're gonna have to have a rule at the live show in october if anyone in the crowd yells it out immediately ejected from the venue i know i know it's exciting i know like you think it's gonna be funny but we simply cannot be doing shows where that is being yelled out at us every five minutes we just can't have that happening yeah maybe we have we have it yeah i don't know i don't know we'll figure it out we'll just have like a we'll just take a pause and we'll be like everyone get it out of your systems now i guess it's it's it's hard to predict what a what a you know what a post i guess we found the pedophile world's going to be like. Yeah, but this is what I'm saying.

These are like the last few hours of our lives before that's out there. There'll come a point where we'll wistfully look back on this. Remember when we were sitting around and we'd just been talking about being hungover? We're just sitting in Cape Canaveral about to go to the moon for the first time. Yeah, everything changed. Yeah, yeah. Well, Buzz, good luck up there. That's one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind.

Looks like we've found the pedophile. One small penis for mankind. Looks like we've found the pedophile. Looks like, Houston, we've found the pedophile. It looks like, Houston, we found the pedophile. Yeah, Isaac Williams, speaking, not in any way insinuating that that's what you are. No. No, Isaac. I thought this might have been the first Isaac we'd had, but I had to scroll through.

We've had fucking tons of Isaacs. Have we really? Yeah. None of them, no memory. No memory. Don't really remember riffing too much on Isaacs before. What happened to, Isaac Hayes is still deep in the Scientology, right? I presume so.

Is that a deal? Presume so. I keep getting clips for that South Park concert that happened the other week. Looks fucking awesome. Yes. I would have loved to go to that. Ween and Primus Looks fucking awesome. Yes. I would have loved to go to that. Ween and Primus. And Rush.

Yes. Rush came out as like a surprise thing because Matt Stone is a big fan. Right. And also I think I would say, yeah, Primus. I know that Les Claypool from Primus is obsessed with them. Yeah, right. I dare say there's a connection there. Ah, right.

Yeah. But, you know, in another world, it's like, get an Isaac Hayes out to bust out a few. Yeah, I didn't think of that. It would have been fucking amazing. Yeah. Not that it wouldn't have been amazing anyway, but like, yeah, it's kind of, it's a weird thing to have this like a musical celebration of South Park and have this guy who is a hugely famous musician who was a voice on the show and would regularly do songs in the show.

Yeah. Just like, nah, he doesn't exist. But I want to sit down and watch the whole thing. It looks like it'd be a good time. It's funny seeing those guys do, seeing Trey busting out Cartman. It looks dubbed. Like it looks not real. Yeah, like when you see the Simpsons voice actors on Tonight Show.

Yeah. That's fun. Yeah. That's fun. There's a cartoon voice coming out of your face it is such a gimme for like an interviewing a voice actor on a show where it's like literally you know anyone else it's like what's a what's a funny thing that happened on the set of the film that you hit a promoter what's an anecdote or whatever watching you do

hughes it's like fun yeah there's a different voice coming out of her head yeah awesome with them it's literally it's like all We got Nancy Cartwright on the show This is a fucking gimme We don't need to do the pre-interview Get her out Wheel them out Do a bit of fucking Ralph Wiggum

Do a bit You know Give us the Lots of tough thing With Yardley Smith She comes out Oh do the voice Oh you're already doing it

Yeah Yeah yeah yeah This is your voice Yep Yeah Julie Kavner can do Marge and Patty and Selma at least Yeah yeah yeah

And that's kind of it Yeah But yeah Yardley's kind of it. Yeah. But yeah, Yardley's got a fucking, the dream. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, Isaac Hayes. I think he's just, yeah, what did he do?

He got pissed off that they must have had a go at Scientology at some point. Yeah. And then he left and then they, remember that run of episodes where it's like. I've never been a big watcher. Chef's a robot or something. They just like had to kill him off. Yeah. It's one of those ones like, what is it?

Grey's Anatomy where it's existed for the last 20 years without me seeing anything about it. Apparently it is, it's in a real upswing at the moment apparently. Apparently the last two seasons have been great. Like I've got friends that are still checking in on it every week and they're like, it kind of dips out for a bit and is a bit you know whatever and then they'll just kind of you know they'll get i mean i guess because they're doing topical stuff too so like at the moment they're just they're riffing away on covid they're like us right there are but there are there would be listeners like this that every now and then you see it's interesting to see on the socials when people talk about this show and they go uh where they're up to or i'm a new listener and i've just barreled through fucking one million episodes or i'm a listener and i've yeah i've just sort of

taken time off for a year or two and then i've gotten back i saw a couple of them lately where it's like oh yeah i took a bit of time off for a while and i'm like why you had fucking nothing to do in lockdown and whatever like shouldn't you have that's when you binge but that's um that's uh i think that's pretty common with podcasts people people dipped off i think every pod saw a little because it was like no commute yeah that's when i'd listen sure not just sitting in the house fucking firing up the stereo yeah yeah i guess i'm watching squid game i was the opposite whereas i used it for running i started yeah running every day and so then i needed something to fucking listen to. But now, yes, now I'm dropping off.

Yeah. There's a lot of podcasts sitting on my phone at the moment I'm listening to. Yeah, yeah. I'm in the car. That's when I'm listening, and that's about it. Right, yeah. Well, thanks, Isaac. Thanks, Isaac.

Thanks, Chocolate Salty Balls. Yes. Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber Bryce Chaffee. No, not Courtney. I know when I said Bryce and I said C at the start, you thought it was going to be the power of one author subscribing, but it's not. That would be good.

It would be good. That would be really good. The estate of Bryce Courtney is not signed up to our Patreon. No, but Bryce Chaffee is an even better name, I have to say. Yeah. Chaffee. Sorting the chaff from the wheat. You ever have those, and I know this is a different word,

but I don't care because I have nothing else to say off the back of Chaffee. Please, go on. You ever have those Chaffee's chips? No. You ever see them around? Never heard of them. Man, you've got to suss them out. Hot chips or cold chips?

Cold, like potato chips. Potato chips, right. But they've got a dill pickle flavor. I like that. That's fucking great. I like that heard of them. Man, you've got to suss them out. Hot chips or cold chips? Cold, like potato chips. Potato chips, right. But they've got a dill pickle flavour that's fucking great. I like that delineation. No, no, no, potato chips. Oh, you mean the same thing that hot chips are made out of? Well, I mean, I do like to mock literally anything that the British do say or think, but they do have the right idea, the delineation between chips and crisps.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Having two different words for them is smart. Right. The Americans, fries. Fries. And chips. Why are we, are we the only place that calls both of them chips? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

We're fucked. Yeah, we must be. Yeah. Yeah, because, yeah, fries, I mean, that makes sense, except I guess you can argue the crisps are fried. They're fried as well. They're fried as well. But at least there's fried as well. Yeah.

But at least there's two different words. Yeah. But I mean, you're right. Meat, like potato chips being the like, no, that's the, you knew what I was talking about. I'm going to have some hot potato chips. Yeah. Maybe I'll start saying that. Some hot potato fried chips.

Yeah. Some hot potato chips. Yeah. Being that, putting four words and it still being like, yeah, you haven't, you haven't detailed any difference. I still, I don't know what you're eating. That's still describing two different things.

I literally don't know what you're eating. Yeah. Yeah. It's food as well. Edible. Yeah. But anyway, Chappie's Chips, get around them. They're fucking great.

You can find them at, where can you find them? A lot of bottle shops now have them. Yeah. You're sort of, your artisanal kind of delis will have them not so much in like your big supermarkets yet right but they're getting out there they're getting around there they're at bar a lot of bars will have them behind the counter because you're not a sweet tooth so are you more chip than chocolate i'm not really a huge snacker in general but i was doing a lot of it in lockdown it's just a a little like, here's something to do.

Try a new snack. But yeah, these I'm into. These I'm into as a little, maybe a little pre-dinner treat. If I'm cooking and it's going to be a while, get a little bag of chips. I've never been into them. I haven't introduced my child to crisps yet. She hasn't had even a mouthful of soft drink. Really?

Yes. And the other day, my wife nearly gave her just a little bit of lemonade, and I was like, no, let's push this out as long as we can. You know what's interesting is that, and this is naive, but I had always assumed, because we've got the dog, and he's three months, and he, because he's still only having dry food, you can eat next to him on the couch and he just has no reaction. Like, I had always assumed that, like, cooking or hot food being around,

it's just instinctive to a dog that it's like, that's yummy. I could eat that. But I kind of, yeah, this is dumb, but I didn't realize it's like, yeah, it's learned. So because he hasn't had... Because you haven't given like Yeah it's learnt So because he hasn't had He hasn't had Because you haven't given him any Yeah he hasn't had scraps We're still only giving him kibble

We're not giving him wet food We're not giving him Like kind of Yeah he's still just on the little Kibbley stuff So he doesn't Put like Us eating

Stuff being cooked Us eating He hasn't put together Yet like I could eat that And I'd fucking love it Surely When you smell

something yummy that idea comes into your head but when you smell something yummy it's reminding you of what it was like to eat it like it's not you know what i mean like i don't think anyone's born with that yeah i but that's what i'm saying like i always thought it was i always thought it was just like from day dot a roast chicken is a roast chicken yeah that's just like wiring in the brain that tells you that that's good yeah but yeah where like it's never there's gonna come a point i'm trying to just enjoy it while we can yeah just being able to fucking just yeah sit on the couch with some food like do what we want in the kitchen he doesn't give a fuck because he's like one day he's gonna realize oh i could have that and not only could I have that, I should have that.

And I want it right now. I will fucking kill this person to get my hands on that chook. Absolutely. Yeah. But so it's, yeah. So you're living in that same world with your child where it's like, we just got to stretch this out for as long as we can. Because once she discovers Coca-Cola, it's fucking curtains.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like she's like, she thinks she's being naughty having like orange juice. Right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, she's like, she thinks she's being naughty having, like, orange juice. Right. Like, oh, please. I'm like, yeah, you can have the most healthiest thing I would have had for five years. That's it, yeah. You can have that as a treat if you really want. Fuck, isn't that brutal to realize that, like, yeah, something that's not even good for you.

Like, if you buy an orange juice from the shop, there's so much sugar in it yeah that it's like that would be me going like nah i'd better i'm trying to be good yeah i'll just get an orange juice all right i'm on a diet i'm doing i'm uh you know your your pet is my child things that you discover and whatever but this was the last thing with blanket this morning so she she's a big one for this she's she's a real hack at the moment so i'm trying to be as funny as i can with her yep get get a good laugh out of her yep hit with Blanket this morning. So she's a big one for this. She's a real hack at the moment. So I'm trying to be as funny as I can with her. Get a good laugh out of her. Hit the button and she'll love something.

Go right. And then she'll be like... Looks like we found the pedophile. Then I do the gear and she loves it and then she'll go right. And she'll go again. Do it again. Do it again. So I'm doing the same gags over and over and over,

honing the material. Have you told her duck sandwich yet no no i haven't maybe i should get onto that because yeah this three-year-old it's just wanting to hear the same bit again and again and again yeah that sounds like a few thousand listeners i'm very familiar with no duck sandwich is like soft drink i'm trying to you know keep her off it as long as i can because then there's no turning back yeah yeah yeah so i'll do the process will be like here's the bit uh again again again again so i'll do it about five six times and she loves it and then then it flips then she goes my turn and then she does the bit back to me okay yeah nice and how does she she goes all right she goes all right we had a bit this morning where um where I was getting, there was chocolate ice cream coming out of her bum. Okay.

And she was feeding me. She was saying, do you want an ice cream? And I would say yes. And then she would pretend she was pouring ice cream out of her bum. And then I would go, are you sure this isn't poo? And she'd be like, yes. And then I'd eat it and go, that's poo! And start pretending to spew.

Okay, that's good stuff. She's like loving it. Your daughter should write it for the funny fellas. That could just be it. But it's not even a father and a child. It's just literally... It's two adults in a Baskin-Robbins. And you just see, like, right in front of the guy,

the person behind the camera just shitting into a cone. And it's, like, in a cup and it's obviously shit. Now, are you sure this isn't poo? Yeah. All right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's a good running character all through the show where she's every time this the exact same joke yeah it's happening every day yeah and then literally the punchline is the person eating it and going this is poo yeah and yes great so well maybe blank by the time we get to commission maybe

blank can play a part because she was, she was acting it up this morning. She might be too mature for it by then. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She might have better offers by then. But she was like, by the time we finished it, she was doing an act out where it was like, so she was eating the ice cream poo by that point. And she tasted it. So you're now working in the ice cream shop?

Yes. And serving her? Yes. Okay. Doing a, doing, twirling a, twirling shit out of my ass into a cone and then handing it to her nice and then her pretending to bite into a cone full of shit and then screaming it's poo and then getting on her hands and knees and bashing the ground going it's poo this see the fact that like half an hour ago we were talking about repressed memories and

i wonder what's happened in my life to give me things that I don't like or that freak me out. And this is going to be like, yeah, 35 years time. This child just like, why do I hate ice cream? The thing that everyone loves. People always tease me for not liking it. I mean, I don't really like ice cream. Maybe this is why.

How come every time I see my dad's ass, I go, I don't really like ice cream. Maybe this is why. How come every time I see my dad's ass, I go, does anyone else want Neapolitan? One scoop or two. All right. So this is my version. This is,

compare this to fucking Ben Lomas' routines. Yes. Where he's, you know, fucking his kids like reading out Much Ado About Nothing off the top of their fucking head.

Mine's pretending to eat shit out of my ass. So that's the real deal. Yeah. And then my four-year-old looked at me and said, Daddy, I have nothing to declare for my genius. Well, thanks Bryce Chaffee. Chaffee. Chaffee.

Sorting the chaff. This podcast is sorting the chaff from the wheat and getting rid of the wheat. Nice. Yeah. No wheat. That's not a bad little catchphrase for this podcast. The little gluten-free club. I like that.

That's good. The little celiac club. Can we have that from now on? The little dum-dum club. Sorting the wheat from the chaff and chucking out the wheat. Since 2010. Yeah. That's fucking good.

It's not bad. Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber Alex Veal. Okay. Yeah. What do you think of Veal? I, that is a thing that I have not only no opinion of, but no real understanding of. Yeah, I would never seek it out.

I think I've had it at a restaurant if it's like a spaghetti, like a ragu. I know people get equally frustrated and sort of entertained by the ignorance on display in this show, in this section of the show, where something comes up and then we just guess what it is. Now veal, I don't know what it is. It's meat. Is it young? It's really young. Young cow? Yeah. Oh, fuck. It's meat. Is it young? It's really young. Young cow?

Yeah. Oh, fuck. It's probably the first time I've got that right. Oh, yeah. Veal is the meat of calves in contrast to the beef from older cattle. Okay. Well, it looks like we found the cow pedophile. Not bad.

Yeah, that's something. Not bad. Just at a restaurant, they've got veal on the menu. Just getting the waiter over. I've actually just got a question about this. Looks like we found the pedophile. That's not really a question. Yeah, just pointing to the chef.

Yeah. Looks like we found the pedophile. Cook some older meat, you fucking dirty cunt. Yeah, you love this, don't you? Getting it all hot. Sticking your fork into it. Yeah, you like that, don't you? Yep.'t you yep good stuff yeah well that's that's what alex veal is yeah dead baby cow yep wow that's uh it's spelt look it's spelt v-e-a-l-e there's also there's a south park episode about this about them finding out what veal is

and uh trying to trying to rescue the little baby calves right And it's funny because it's like, I guess that would have been a really popular opinion at the time that that episode was made, 20-something years ago probably, of like, oh, this is inhumane. You never hear people talk about how specifically just veal is inhumane anymore because it's like the prevailing wisdom is... All you hear is me saying, what is it?

Yeah, but it's like the common thing is like, well, no All you hear is me saying, what is it? Yeah. But it's like the common thing is like, well, no, all meat is... You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like a different time where it was like, hey, eating meat's fine. Just this one specific one. Yeah. Bit crook. There's like no one, anyone who thinks that now just has to be like, no, all of it's bad.

Oh, man. I mean, my thing is whenever you... Like there's a new pie in the 7-Eleven now. In the rotation. Yeah. Yeah. And it's like, you know, as of a lot of things like this, but it's definitely like high up in the marketing, you know, approved by the RSPCA.

It's like, man, there's no fucking chickens on the board of the RSPCA these days because they're still dead in the pie, right? Yeah, yeah. They're not alive. They're not alive. That is, I mean, that is a weird distinction too. It's like, hey, before we fucking slaughtered this thing, it was living the high life. If I was chickens, I'd be, you know,

I'd be calling for, you know, a split of the board. Let's get someone on the board that approves chickens not being killed. Yeah. How about that? For the listener at home, my girlfriend just went out and then the dog immediately came in here.

Yes. And did you notice your number one pet peeve happening? No. He jumped on me and fucking headphones yanked out of the ear. Well, I didn't even see the – if that was me, I would have been fucking, yeah, screaming by now. Yeah. So you didn't cop it too bad.

I'm not loving it. All right. Okay. All right. Well, we're – Even just the... You know what I hate more than them being pulled out? What?

They're like this when the court... When they're about to come out and the court is just... When it's taut. Really taut. Get your fucking little paws off it. And the dog. Yeah, that's it. That's it.

Yeah. Little... Alex Veal. Yeah. Little Alex Veal. Oh, is that the name of the dog? That's my dog's name. It's changed again. Alex Veal. That would be Alex Veal. Oh, is that the name of the dog? That's my dog's name. It's changed again.

Alex Veal. That would be good if you gave it a... Can you give it a last name as well? Well, I think... I was led to believe that this was going to happen at both the vet and the puppy school by other people, friends of mine who have dogs. And then it didn't come up at either of them.

But people were saying to me, they're going to ask you for a surname. You're going to have to give out a surname. Oh. And so I was ready. I was like, what's funnier, to call it Allsop or to call it Dasolo? Yeah. And then neither place has asked.

Did you have it in the barrel? Were you ready for an answer or not? I think I was going to go with Dasolo. I think you should. I think it would be funny to pass on the stage name to the dog. Absolutely. Keep your Dasolo. Maybe he should have a birth name pass on the stage name to the dog. Absolutely. Keep you desolate. Maybe he should have a birth name and then a stage name.

Well, he kind of does. He had a name. I think we talked about it a couple of weeks ago. But he had a name from the foster carer, which was Dragon. So that's kind of the one he got assigned. Because they have to give them a name when they foster them. That was his slave name. That was his slave name. They have to give them a name that's not of the one he got assigned, because they have to give them a name when they foster them. That was his slave name. That was his slave name.

They have to give them a name that's not on the database at all for any other currently adopted dog. God, Dragon is the worst fucking possible name for that dog. It's so bad, isn't it? It's so bad. Yeah. But so you could argue that, like, that's, that Kewpie is his stage name. Right.

And Dragon's his birth name. Oh, my God. Jesus Christ. Dragon. Dragon. Yeah. Anyway. Thanks, Alex Veal. Christ. Dragon. Dragon. Yeah. Anyway. Thanks, Alex Veal.

Thanks, Alex Veal. Well, like you said, we've got a guest about to come in here. So we better just tie it up with five this week. Yeah. All right. One more to go. Let's do this. Okay.

Thank you very much, too. Well, this is interesting. Okay. All right. Sometimes, yeah, people have unusual names or I don't know how this works. Maybe this is just a company or an ad or something. But anyway, thank you very much to Patreon subscriber, Well, I Guess We Found The Comedy. Okay.

Interesting. Yeah. That is an interesting name. Did you ever think about giving your dog the first name, Well, I Guess We Found The? No. Well, I Guess We Found The Dog. Hear well.

Hear well. People at the park coming over. I've got to ask, what do you mean well? Well's a weird name for a dog. Oh, there's weirder. Full name. Yeah. Well, I guess we found the dog.

Surname dog. Surname dog. Well, I guess we found the... No. Surname Dassolo. Well, I guess we found the dog Dassolo. Comma Dassolo. Yes. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah, that's good stuff. All right. LittleDumbDumbClub.com. Get on the Patreon. Get yourself these bonus episodes that we're about to record. Get yourself a ticket to the live show October 22nd. October 22nd in Melbourne.

Please come down. If you're out of town, if you're in the country, if you're suburban, if you're in the city, there's always a good contingent of you guys from interstate that come along. So, yeah, I don't think we've got anything else in the pipeline for a while. So it'll be a good one. You'll find out what we're going to be doing in the next So, yeah, I don't think we've got anything else in the pipeline for a while. So, it'll be a good one. You'll find out what we're going to be doing in the next couple of weeks. Yep. I think as well.

Get around it. Which you'll be intrigued by. So, yeah, get into it. All right, guys. Thanks very much for listening and we'll see you next time. See you, mates.