The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - 621 - Nazeem Hussain & Brett Blake

Episode Date: August 31, 2022

It's a massive bumper episode with great mates NAZEEM HUSSAIN and BRETT BLAKE. Tommy's trying some new stand-up about the first time him and Nazeem ever met, we reminisce about a beautiful meal that we had in Nazeem's back yard, Brett's fired up and ready to set the record straight about The Wall of Fame in Karl's Comedy Club, and Karl's been to the dentist - which doesn't sound like much of a story on paper, but it dominates the entire back half of the episode. Get ready to be furious! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Today on The Little Dum Dum Club, a brand new episode with guests Brett Blake and Nazeem Hussain. We have a live show coming up October the 22nd in Melbourne at the Comics Lounge. Big, big live show. Great special guests. Our last one for 2022. And some really good shit going on within it, so get onto it. Get your tickets right now. It's going to be a big bumper one. Yeah, littledumdumclub.com for tickets to that. We will talk to you more at the end of the episode in Talking Dumb Dumb. But until then, enjoy this great new episode, Bumper New Episode, with Brett, Blake and Nazeem Hussain.

Hey, mates. Welcome once again into the Little Dumb Dumb Club for another week. Thank you very much for joining us. My name is Tommy Dasolo. And with me, as always, the other half of the program, Carl Chandler. Good to be good. And joining us today, two of our very favourite and dear friends. Please welcome back onto the show, Brett Blake and Nazeem Hussein.

The original odd couple. I'm back to defend my honour. What honour? Exactly, yeah, that's a good point. That is a very good point. I'm currently hungover as fuck, even though I agreed to quit drinking on Sunday. I was going to say,

you look like you haven't been up at this hour for a while. You've got the look on your face like, what, is there an AM? Fucking hell. Mate, I've been up at 5am for the last two days, and I was like, finally, it's some time to sleep in, but oh no, the drama queen Nazima Sainz got a personal training session to get to at 9.45.

So now I've got to get up at 9. How the hell did you twist this? No. Oh, are you saying Carl twists facts? Great. I'm glad you brought up that point. Okay, you dog. You messaged me saying I need to go to some appointment.

Yes. Some hair appointment or something. No. At 10 o'clock. He messaged me saying you need to leave for a personal training session he said do you mind if we make it a touch earlier

at 10 you piece of shit both are true has anyone walked out of your podcast in one minute both things are true I've got someone to go to

he had someone to come from here we go no let's read it it's a voice message isn't it should I play I can't even read it no don't play

don't do that don't do that. We were joking off air about a gotcha prank show that's just cancelling people and now I really want to get that up. It's the best. It would be so good. I don't want to even give you an example. That's how scared I am. So we pre-taped

the episodes, right? And someone's on it and they know that when the episode's out, they're getting cancelled. Instead of someone walking along and a dog all of a sudden talking and filming something going, oh my God, there's a talking dog. It's just saying, hey, say the N word into this microphone. It's not on. Okay. But we tape the episodes and then we sit on them for a few months and people don't know

who's on an upcoming season. But they start to notice all of a sudden, Nazeem's in the media fucking heaps. He's doing everything. He's trying to get his last few bits in before the ep comes out and that's his buying order what's hughes and pete hellion nazim all moved to this one island together retired from comedy the one that jeffrey it's a good money making thing you. You just... Being Jeffrey Epstein. That was for a point. Kids have short pockets, but...

That's horrible. I've always said it. But no, you know, like blackmailing rich comedians. Yeah. You know, getting some stuff on tape. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What have you got on... You got anything good on anyone?

No. They're not famous. I mean, you've got that voice message of me, but, you know, I don't have that much money. I know someone who was in blackface a long time ago, but, you know, I don't know how much money this person – So do I. I've got a text message. I've got a picture of a friend of the show in blackface.

Oh, yeah. We've talked about it a bit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We've been on it, but, yeah. Dil about it a bit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We better not. Dil was born that way. Oh, it still counts. It's not a gag? It still counts.

Hey, I've got to ask your permission for something, Nazeem, if this is okay with you. Oh, no shit, yeah. So I've done this once. I started doing a bit about it. We've talked about this on the show. The first time you and I met was on an ABC series. Sleuth 101. Sleuth 101.

Samuel Johnson was there as well. Samuel Johnson, yeah. Well, you should get cancelled for doing the voice. Well, I didn't do the voice. That's kind of the whole point. Oh, you played a gay character. No, I didn't. He's Dutch.

That's Tommy's vibe, mate. God, I know he's got a pink hat on now, but you don't need to roast him on the pod. Wait, you did something. What did you do again? So I got this email just saying... You're trans? I can't...

I was trans. You did a trans character. You were mixing around. You were doing something. Wait for this. What I love is what you've mixed up gay for. You were playing what, Tommy? A Dutch person.

Yeah, great. You want the queer community community love clogs. Anyway, welcome to the Cancel podcast. We've got Nazeem. We know what Dutch people put in the oven, and it's like, it's a dildo. But you thinking I was doing the, like putting on like a gay voice

goes to show how good my Dutch accent is. Or how bad your acting is. Yeah, exactly. Doing Dutch isn't like a cultural misappropriation. Could you give us an example? What a Dutch man. So the bit, like the story, and I believe we talked about it the first time you were on the scene,

but I got this email from ABC Casting, and basically it was like, it wasn't even an audition. It was like, we've got a role here for you. Can you do a Dutch accent? And, you know, this is like 15 years ago. This is what, your first year in comedy or something like that? Really early on. And it's like, here's the money.

It's basically someone saying, if you answer yes to this question, you get this money. You know what I mean? And you get to be on TV. So I just go, yeah, I can do a Dutch accent. And I go, I'll figure it out. And I just never figured it out. Did you try?

Huh? Did you try? I gave it a crack. I was like watching some YouTube clips Of like Dutch people speaking This was long enough ago Where there was probably only one clip on YouTube That had a Dutch accent

Right Probably like Austin Powers Doing a Dutch accent Genuinely Night before day one Fired up Goldmember Yeah I thought this is the intensive crash course

Smoking a pancake Yeah yeah All that sort of stuff And then I'm on set Just like absolute Like doing the worst job. No, that was memorable. The show is basically like...

Well, doing a good job if you were supposed to be gay, apparently. Yeah, exactly. So you filmed all this. It's like a murder mystery show, right? So you filmed all this like... It's a massive hit. Yeah. Yeah, they had...

I've seen it. On the Wikipedia for it, it says that one of the items is Claire Hooper... No, sorry, Cal Wilson, who hosted it, did an appearance at Chadston Shopping Centre to sign copies of the season one DVD. Do they even do... I mean, I've never done that with anything. Does anyone do that? Well, I mean, this is 15 years ago, so probably not anymore.

No one's signing the fucking Netflix you know receipt but um so yeah so you would film I would love to ask her

if anyone turned up to that signing by the way I'm I'm dying to know I mean was that the moment that an ABC rep looked around and went I don't reckon

the season 2's on the card that is like the brutal early way of knowing that it's not coming back all these people coming in going, who's that? We want the gay dude. Where's the little gay dude?

So, yeah, so you filmed all this pre-tape narrative stuff about murder mystery stuff. And then there'd be like a second day where a guest comedian would come in and watch all that footage. And then interview all the characters in character as like a detective to try and work out who did it right so we film all the stuff i'm fucking butchering the accent then we go and we do the like claire hooper was the guest on that episode and they come up to me right before and they go so look if claire asks about the accent which she will just drop it immediately and say that you're from like broad meadows and you put this accent on to sound more impressive. So they completely rewrote the whole character.

Sound more impressive? Because of how fucked I was. Great, great. And then I'm trying to turn this into stand-up. And also, I'd forgotten this. So I get to the end of it and I'm watching it with friends and the credits come up and they spell my name wrong in the credits. How do they spell that?

They spell your fake name wrong. They spell my fake name wrong. That you made up about a spell my name wrong in the credits. Oh, how do they spell that? They spell your fake name wrong that you made up about a year before that. Yeah, exactly. They left an S out, which just like... That's disrespectful. Yeah, I mean, honestly, the lack of effort that some people put into their work is just disgraceful.

Do you remember... I actually can't remember because... Okay, what I do remember is this. When I got asked to do it, I'm almost 100% certain they did ask me to do like an Indian or Sri Lankan accent. I can't remember what. So did I do it? I can't remember.

I talk about you in the bit. I've done it once. And I mentioned, you know, that's where I met you. And first day we go in, we do a script read. And your character's name in the script was something like fucking, I don't know, like Ramesh or something. Yeah, Vikram or something. Yeah, and we get to the end of the read-through, and they're like, so does anyone have any questions

or anything about how it's going? And you just go, oh, look, my character, they're meant to be Sri Lankan, and this just isn't a name that a Sri Lankan person would have. It's like, not sure if that's an issue, but just so you guys know, if you want it to be authentic, and the writers are like, oh, okay, yeah, great. That's a good, yeah, good note.

Yeah, yeah, good. We'll fix that. And they write it down. And then we come back in the next day and we all get handed these updated scripts. And your character's name has been changed to Nazeem. That's right. That's right. And yours is Liberace.

Just the idea of, of like some old ABC writer up all night just like, God, I've never met a single other Shrelaken. What's a fucking Shrelaken name? Just in the writer's room

brainstorming. What is a name? I reckon it's the opposite of that. I reckon they were like, let's see him fucking pick something out of this. Muralithoran? So they were just wanting you to go Larry David style. Just playing like an exaggerated version like let's see him fucking pick something out of this more illiterate so they were just

wanting you to go Larry David style just playing like an exaggerated version of yourself did I do an accent I can't remember I think you were

doing the voice because I remember like talking to Armour about this at the time I was like I came in for the audition or something

for a meeting and I don't know did you have an audition or a meeting no I literally got that email saying can you do a Dutch accent

and I lied and then I got the role so now I get it so this whole point of this meeting because i basically went in i remember i did like my performance like cool great really love it um do you mind making it sound because he's shrill ankin and there was this whole conversation about basically asking me to do the voice or do an act and the wobble you know which i don't mind me but it's gonna i'm gonna write it i'm gonna write the shit anyway, they were like, you know, I was like, oh, yeah, but is he born here?

They're like, yeah, but, oh, no. Just basically, whatever it takes, just do the fucking. Yeah, yeah. They're trying to get you to do it. They're like, hey, you know, if he was born in this region, what do you think? Without actually saying, hey, mate, just start doing it. What would someone called Nazeem sound like?

Yeah, like, just assume he's at home. Let's say you're in a car on a bumpy road. What would your head be doing? Just kind of like bouncing around a little bit? And like you, I was like, no, it's a gig, you know. You've got to get paid. Absolutely. I wish they'd asked me to do the Sri Lankan voice

because that I can do really well. Give us an example of both and we'll decide. Do you want to hear my Sri Lankan voice? I'm from Sri Lanka. That does sound a lot like the Zines. Thank you. Did you know Sri Lanka was colonised by the Dutch or Portuguese at one point? Really?

Well, when season two comes back, if they bring our characters back, see where they're at 15 years on. But I wanted your permission to talk about that, because it is your story. Do you remember Samuel Johnson? So this is the first time... Actor, Samuel Johnson. Samuel johnson the actor gold logy winning actor yeah and so tommy and i were there and a couple other like randos and then samuel johnson came he's

doing some guest cameo probably like get people to tune in and um we went to get and change into wardrobes into our wardrobe and i was like i'll go find a little quiet corner somewhere i'll wait till people leave the room and he sensed that i was feeling nervous and he was just getting changed and he was in his underwear and he's like what are you nervous for mate we're all just bodies and I remember like

feeling like oh yeah why am I such a prude like surely until I just got jaged in front of him this sounds like a line

he tried to cancel Samuel Johnson yeah I just remember feeling I'm so not an actor because for actors their body is a prop it's fucking ABC Light Entertainment,

not Broadmeadows Football Club. You don't have to get changed together. Can you start a whip on my butt? No, no, no. Now jump in the shower, Nadim, and bring your little gay Dutch friend. My memory of him is he was just constantly napping, but just like in the middle of the floor

where people were trying to walk around. I was like, that's confidence. A, you can just fall asleep wherever and B, you don't give a fuck if you're in the way. That's the sort of cojones you have when you do the voiceover for a Hungry Jacks act. Is that the guy that's always on that fucking unicycle? Yeah, yes, yes.

Oh, now I know him. I remember my girlfriend at the time was like, wow, are you going to meet the guy from Secret Life of Arthur? I was like, I'd never watched it. So I genuinely are you going to meet the guy from Secret Life of Arthur? I was super excited. I'd never watched it, so I genuinely was just excited to meet the Hungry Jacks guy. Maybe he's got like a fucking gold card that he can hook me up with. When he got changed in front of you, did he have a whopper?

Yeah, nice. Nice. His buns were pretty good. A great pun. Did you get changed in front of you? I don't remember. I think I blocked it out. Repressed it.

Do they still have footage of this somewhere? I think someone, last time you talked about this, I think someone found it on YouTube, didn't they? Oh God, I would love to see that. Do you have a show reel?

When I was trying to put this together as a bit, I was trying to find it online and I don't know if it's just like got some, it's like hidden with some weird name or whatever, but I couldn't find it. But no, I don't have a showreel. And if I did have a showreel, I would not be putting that on there

because it's an example of me not doing a good job. It's an example of me literally not doing the job I was paid to do. That's your range. All the viewer knows is that you're doing something that a director told you to do and maybe that was the exact performance that they wanted. Yeah. Maybe.

I mean, it is. It's pretty hard to sort of as a resume say, here's an example of my job and it's like terrible and you say, my boss told me to do a shit job.

That's it. I mean, I need, what I need in the showreel as well is footage of the director then coming up to me later and going like, just let's.

Fuck it up. Let's say it's a bit. Really fuck this. Yeah, let's say it's a bit and being like, yeah, see it, it all this yeah let's say it's a bit and being like yeah see it it all it all kind of worked out

in the end what a lifeline from that guy like just going like for the sake of the show and for the sake of your fucking self esteem we can't let this

go out like this it's like going up to Scorsese going up to Robert De Niro and going actually don't don't be a taxi driver anymore

just do whatever the fuck you want just walk around. We're watching the footage back. We didn't do anything besides. Work a colt. Yeah. We're watching the footage back.

You're driving on the wrong side of the road. You said you could drive a car in the email. You've obviously lied to us. Yeah, just let's change the character. Yeah, yeah. Oh, fuck. But yeah, anyway, thanks for that blessing, Nazeem. No worries.

Well, very quickly on top of that, Naz, that reminds me of an early on story with me and you where you you had a podcast very early on where

burn your passport yes yeah yeah yeah so ages ago where you asked me to come in and I was like

oh this is nice like come in with this professional ABC podcast and so I had to do the whole thing it's not like here

where you two have just hit the doorbell and come in and obviously take your fucking shoes off don't get offered food or drink enough.

No, no. Fuck. Shit. Sorry. I had to make my own coffee as well. Yeah, I'm sitting on his kid's toys. Fuck. All right.

I'll get a water in one minute. We're in a fake tea party right now. There's so many toys on this fucking table. Man, I cleaned up. You cleaned up? Yeah. Just listen to this. I know.

I know. I know. I keep telling Don't Say Her Name to stop buying stuff. Tell your kid to clean up her shit. Yeah. As us Dutch say, this house is filthy. My wife keeps coming. Every time she goes out with the kids, she comes home with more toys.

And I've said, I put a ban on it. No more toys. Don't buy any more toys. This is cleaned up. So then she comes back and I go, did you buy any more toys for the kid? And she goes, no, no, no, no. And then the kid walks in with a toy. And a receipt.

My wife will go, oh, no, that's an old toy. And then the kid will go, this is a new toy, Daddy, that we just bought. I'm like, fuck! This is almost 10% of the amount of toys that are in my house. This is too many fucking toys, man. I'd ask you to take some back, but you're going to double up. So don't worry. I actually don't have this Space Jam little hoop. That's pretty cool got to clean this up. I'd ask you to take some back, but you're going to double up. So don't worry. I actually don't have this Space Jam little hoop.

That's a pretty cool little Lego glasses. I don't mind that. Yeah, don't take... No, she loves them. Don't take them. The glasses? The Lego Elton John style glasses? Yeah, fuck yeah.

Man, a Dutch man would wear them for sure. That would actually really make that outfit pop, Tommy. Yeah. Actually, that's a good look. That's pretty good. Wow. You look like you're from the Netherlands. Bloody hell.

What do you think? Yeah, what do you think? Listeners at home, what do you reckon? All right, so Tommy's currently wearing some blue Elton John glasses made out of Lego and a Make-A-Wish Foundation beanie. The big double. The beanie is model's own, not from the collection of child's toys. So that podcast you had, so I got, you know, you get invited into the ABC.

I'm like, oh, cool. And then someone's meeting you at the door and everything. And it's like, oh, wow, just to do a podcast. Like, this is awesome. It's so easy to impress you if someone meets you at the door. Yes, absolutely.

Someone met you at the door at the ABC? Yes. You came down to the front. You can't just walk in? No, no, they met me at the door and then they're walking through and it was your producer. So then as we walk, so the producer meets me at the door, and then they're walking through, and it was your producer. So then the producer meets me at the door,

and then walks through and goes, oh, how's your podcast going? And I'm just excited that someone knows what my podcast is. And I go, oh, it's really good. And he goes, yeah, the bullying podcast. Oh, the bullying podcast. And I'm like, no worries. Well, when he's right, he's right.

I am absolutely intimidated now. That's a new tagline. I had nothing to go back with, but I was like, yeah, no worries. You're welcome for me turning up to do your podcast. Yeah, yeah. No, it's not a bullying podcast, you fucking cunt. Where did you even left? He met you at the door and bullied you.

Yes. Yeah. This guy rules. No, no, thanks for coming on. Yeah. The bullying podcast. Yeah, it was... Anyway...

You know what you need to do now? He was a good producer. We won't name what you need to do now he was a good producer we won't name his name or anything but he was a good producer he turned up he's a great producer bullied me and then we went in

and recorded the pod and then he walked out of the room and didn't come back and then came back at the end of the podcast and went so I had to go I'm like are you a producer

he's one of the best there is shout out to him but no you know what to prove him wrong and to prove all those haters wrong you should do a segment on the show where you're doing the opposite of bullying maybe you're you know you To prove him wrong And to prove all those haters wrong You should do a segment on the show Where you're doing the opposite of bullying Maybe you're

Propping someone up You're like Brett A lot of people say Thank you I'm already scared You're searching to find something Come on cunt I've got up at 8.45 for you

So you can go Work on your personal trainer Work on your fucking six pack anyway. Thanks, man. See, that's what I mean. He's complimenting me. Yeah. Brett, your mullet actually

does suit your face. Thank you. Yeah, it's nice. That's nice. That's nice. I like your beard. Now you go, Carl. I like your beard.

Thank you, Carl. It's very full bodied. Thank you. I don't think I could grow something as lustrous as that. Okay, now you're doing Tommy's character. You're my beard. I don't think I could grow something as lustrous as that. Okay, now you're doing Tommy's character. You're my beard.

I'm going to cancel you for doing Dassolo voice. The gay Dutchman. It actually felt really weird, Carl, saying something nice. I'm like, go back to being me. It does say a lot about society that you were... Hey, you haven't said anything nice about Brett. Yeah, you go now. Oh, Brett, you're a true loyal friend

that's true I am and that's rare in this world and that's a valuable commodity thank you is it really yeah I'm a good friend yeah

you are good thank you it's yet to be I've got to test it so far you haven't dogged me but we haven't been close enough oh I've dogged you in many a group chat

don't worry about it well the episode's still I've never dogged you the episode's still young so there's plenty. It is interesting. Not only did I not dog you, I even rocked up to your TV show thing.

In my house. Just to help you out. Just so you'd have one token white friend. 100% of our interactions have been good. And so if anybody asks about you, I've only got good things to say. I mean, having said that, you did have a TV show you filmed at your house.

Blakey turned up when you didn't know him. All of a sudden, TV show didn't go to air. Yeah, but you know what? I back him even though I know... Whether the TV show goes to air your house. Blakey turned up when you didn't know him. All of a sudden, TV show didn't go to air. You know what? I back him even though I know... Whether the TV show goes to air or not, I backed him. It's not going to do it. You backed me.

Would I come to your house? Yeah, of course. Even during the pandemic, they didn't put it on when they were fucking desperate for new content. Even that didn't inspire them to get into the edit suite and chuck it together. If we talk about it now...

Hang on. It was a cooking show. We've talked about it before. We haven't actually said anything about it. Yeah, if we talk about it now, like, no... Hang on, it was a cooking show we've talked about before. We haven't actually said anything about it. Yeah, we've talked about it on another episode. But the name of it,

the person. Well, is there a name? Because there's no show. Do we know who... Have you said who you are? We signed a release form that just said TBA up the top of the fucking

Can we test, like, this network's, like, litigious nature? Sure. Yeah. Okay, who wants to say the name? Channel 7.

Channel 7. Kylie Kwong. Yes, cooking show. Okay, who wants to say their name? Channel 7. Channel 7. Kylie Kwong. Yes. Cooking show. See, and I got her name confused with someone else, and then it made me look bad all day. Oh, that made you look bad, didn't it? Who did you call her?

G'day, Poe. Yeah. It wasn't Charlie Chan's cooking show, all right, Blakey? All right? It was. Jackie Chan's cooking show. I got it confused with Penny Wong or something

Penny Wong squigging show who's a real team and Kylie Kwong in the same room all of a sudden Brett's like fucking hell

I'm in Russia this is awesome you've got a century of course the only man with a mullet in the room is going to say

something like that g'day Sam Pang well you know what my compliment for you is now Sam Pang's triggering word for. Well, you know what my compliment for you is now? Sam Pang's triggering word for me. Tell me him.

You know what my compliment for you now is? Your face looks exactly like the words you are currently saying. That suits. Sometimes because it's not because of the person. It's to do with the rhyming of the word. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So we went to your house. It was a show where it was like

you cooking food. So now we're just completely breaching the confidentiality. Well, they're not putting it on air. It's been so long, guys,

it's been five years. The contract's probably fucking lapsed by now, it's been so long. Okay, they're gonna sue the little dum-dum club Proprietary Limited. Yeah, if they sue us

for a show that they never even put to air, for just mentioning the show. I didn't sign fuck all as well so fuck them yeah yeah

they can't get Blakey because he signed but he spelled his name wrong so it doesn't count legally good luck

Bert Bert Brett or whatever we've had so few media opportunities that if they sue us

and it makes it on the news that's probably the only footage of me that exists from any network they'd be forced to run it in like probably the only footage of me that exists from any network. They'd be forced to run it in the B-roll of me.

Gay Dutch comedian Tommy Dassler in the middle of a lawsuit right now. And then finally the episode would have made it to air in some form. That's all I want. Kylie would be happy. Kylie or Curly, whatever you want to call her. It was a beautiful episode. I thought it was quite nice and awesome. You cooked for us.

It was beautiful. Your sister roasted me for about 30 minutes during the show she's actually funnier than you it's really she's so funny she's genuinely

everyone says why are you the comedian we won listeners of the show off the back of that recording because we were being so funny at the table that some of the people invited along to the episode

were like these guys are funny and then they started listening to the show that's awesome that's how you get them on the crossroads think how many more listeners we could get if this thing makes it to air.

Invite us to your dinner. We'll come along and be funny and pick up one or two subscribers. That's how Kevin Hart started. You know, he used to do gigs and then wait at the door afterwards and write down people's names and email addresses. Really? You guys could be the new Kevin Hart podcast. We could be, yeah.

As big as he is, for sure. Were we talking about this recently on the show or off and i can't remember there was this guy who this british guy who used to come out here for to do the comedy festival and he would like the way he would sell tickets is he would like fly in the street and he would like sell the ticket direct to you right he would uh yeah he would sell the tickets direct get people's emails and names and stuff and be like yeah cool i've got the money you're on the door here's where the tickets direct, get people's emails and names and stuff and be like, yeah, cool. I've got the money. You're on the door. Here's where the show is. And then people would turn up to the show.

And because he had all this direct information from them, he had like gone onto their Facebooks and stuff. And so the show was just him with a projector with just like, you know, photos that he'd like pulled off their social media being like, anyway, the guy in row three, what about this? What about this cunt? Just people in the audience being were like oh this is fun that rules but it wasn't as funny

as what Tommy just said to be honest it wasn't like that would be good as I'm saying it it's like why don't we do that it wasn't as funny

as that it was more like him with a guitar going oh so can you play Wonderwall Jeremy it's like not really

okay next person that was it the good way of doing that but he was ambushing people on the tram Apparently what he was doing Was sitting next to someone And then going

Oh yeah, weather's good today Yeah, it is too Yeah, good weather for comedy tonight I'm on an 8 o'clock $20 to come to my show tonight That's a really good pitch That's great He's got good hustle

He's got good drive I like his attitude Fake badge Ticket inspector Not a ticket for the tram Ticket to my comedy show tonight You know in New York How they just They sell tickets to comedy shows on the street? My friend, he said, oh, I went to a comedy club recently in New York.

They promised Chris Rock and Dave Chappelle were going to be there. I've had it all before. I've been done by that as well. Carl Barron and Hughesy are on tonight. No. Fuck yeah. They've done that before as well. Because that was a great thing.

We've talked about that before. But when someone heard my Australian accent, they were like, oh, Dave Hughes is on at this comedy club. I was like, yeah, I came to New York to watch Dave Hughes. I mean, I would love to see him up there on stage at the Cellar just riffing on the Big Apple. That'd be great. Open up the Big Apple, all the worms were dead.

But yeah, Nazeem, anyway, final word on this. We've got to at least, can we have a look back at it? Do you want to know who got the line across? The notorious line of the day. Brett made a comment, Brett made a joke, and look, we won't spoil it for 2027 when this finally comes out. Brett made a joke at one point, and then all of us kept saying it, and now Brett is-

To try and do the line better so they would pick our line. Yeah, yeah. And sometimes we'll try and barrel it down the camera. Sometimes we'll say it off to the side and just to see. The camera guy loved it, by the way. He had so many options. And then Nazeem's sister did the line, got the biggest laugh. We're like, fuck, that's the one going in.

Because it's getting more laughs every time Because it's not just the joke itself It's how funny is it That they're fucking this guy off Let's give away the joke, by the way Because it is a very Brett Blake joke In the context of what we're talking about now Because it was all this Very traditional Sri Lankan cuisine

And then he goes And then Blakey goes Is that a fucking Chico roll? And then cut to about 20 more times Every time a new dish comes out Is that a Chico roll? Great stuff. Blakey.

Yes, Carl. Hello. How are you? Yeah, good. I feel like we've been too Nazeem-centric, so let's get on to Brett Blake. I've been holding on to this one for a while. This is good. Well, I still want to delve into you slagging me off.

You can. Absolutely. I'll do this first and then you can get on to that. You know I come here With a lot of anger Absolutely Now I'm enjoying it So the anger's gone Because of the compliments

Yeah No I know it's up your sleeve So we'll get onto it We are sitting around In a very like AA kind of like Therapy sort of configuration I don't like when you

Have things on me It's not really a thing on you I just find this very funny So Why have you got your laptop out Because I'm about to Show you something It feels like this is your life

But in like a In like a bullying way when I walk around drunk and I tell him some shit I can just see him on the phone going fuck

the stenographer's here I can say that one that one's fine you know but it's good because I'm also drunk at the time and then I wake up

in the morning and read this thing and go fuck it that was pretty funny is this going to be within the little pocket where we're trying to be nice to each other

or is this outside of that? Yeah, let's keep that theme going. Because you said Nazeem we need like the opposite of bullying and I do love that it's like we can't think

of the word and maybe the word doesn't exist that there just isn't a word for what the opposite of bullying is. It's generally how you're meant

to live your life. So, well this is a compliment. So Brett Blake, you are with I would say the biggest comedy management. You're looked after by the biggest comedy management you're looked after by the biggest

comedy management company in Australia alongside yes and remember that before you keep opening your fucking mouth and slagging me off

they've got a team of fucking lawyers down there I will get them all to sue you get them on the phone to channel 7 see if they can

come and fucking take me from all the toys I've got here that'd be fucking good show them my clip of sleuth 101 get me in there

this guy's got this guy's got the talent so you're the guy you're with the big management they haven't got all the big boys obviously

they haven't got the big boy over here on the couch I'm knocking on the door no don't say that because your manager listens to this show you idiot

no no I'm not knocking on the door yeah crap no I was down there the other day I was doing a zine there yeah he had a portfolio yeah Chris Rock someone that looked like that I'm not knocking on the door. No, I was down there the other day. I was doing a zine there.

Yeah, he had a portfolio and stuff. It was Chris Rock, someone that looked like that, you know, whatever. No, I was just meeting him to say that I'm not interested. Just let's be very, very clear. I will never. And I'll be back tomorrow. Here's a headshot just so you can remember what the man looks like that you're never going to see. Don't sign it up on the wall

next to you, and just know every day you see it, I'm not a part of this. Like people have shoplifted from a newsagent. Just leave this by the door. Do not employ this man.

Do not sign this man. So you're with the same management that friends of the show, Will, Will Anderson and Dave, here's everyone, all the big names are with. Now, what I like is that because you've got all the big names there, around Comedy Festival time, you have management.

The job they do for you is they have to sell tickets for you and they're orchestrating your campaigns and all that sort of stuff. So I'm assuming that a lot of them in there, they've got all the shared passwords of all the social medias and everything like that. Someone in there has got all the passwords for of all the social medias and everything like that someone in there's got all the passwords for your you know insta and facebook and whatever and hughes and wills for a second there i thought you were about to give out my password no no no because they they asked for my password for something to do some social media shit yeah and i gave it to her

and i just sent it to her I bet it's dank yeah there's a 69 in there and all and she's like you are a fucking idiot and I just didn't think and she just wrote back oof

and I was like babe is this a bad password she's like you sent that to your I was like I should have just changed it I don't know why I was under too much stress

I was like the password is I love my manager 69 And want you 69 Yeah I was like It's such a big company

I try and hide So I think one day I'm going to get fired from them So I like to think That I'm not there So every time they email I just quickly get back to them And then

Oh no no no Yeah it's fine Your management come up to you At gigs and go We'd like to sign you one day You're like I'm already fucking signed with you I'm like yes yes yes I'll open for will yeah so uh so they've got all the

passwords of everyone i think in there i assume because they're they're across all the social medias yeah yeah like every now and then like yeah people generally are doing their own socials yeah personal ones personal ones yeah but then every now and then yeah come festival times there'll be a post that's like... Generic post. Yeah, like... We write it. Melbourne, come see the show. We write it and then they put it up, you know, with whatever they're going to plan to manage. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I've got a month in Melbourne, come and see my show, blah, blah, blah. What I love is, and I took a big screenshot of this, someone in there, someone at your management fucked it a little bit up last comedy festival and gone... Don't get me fired from it, Mariah. I'm not, from it I'm not no I'm not what I love is they've got the

they've got the passwords I think mixed up they've got the content mixed up a little bit I think I know this one someone someone couldn't have fucked this harder

I reckon all of a sudden going out to the millions of followers of Hannah Gadsby what there's a big old video of Brett Blake saying

hey legends the smoko King is on fire And we have had to add a show Snap the tickets up before they're all gone You No way On Hannah Gadsby's feed Oh my god

And millions of Hannah Gadsby fans are looking on there going Isn't that the bad guy from Nanette? Who the fuck is this guy? Amanda Palmer's like What the fuck is this? Isn't that the bad guy? Is that the... No!

It's not! Her most transformative work yet. Hannah Gadsby is na-bred. When I first... I quickly saw it and then obviously it went within like 30 seconds or whatever. And of course Carl's screen grabbed it. But I was like, man, this is so nice. Hannah Gatsby's giving me a shout out.

And I was like, I didn't think we'd be in the same. What a really nice person that is. That's really good. She must have liked Smoker King. Carl's social media activity, I picture it like the guys that are in a movie like Enemy of the State where it's like the people in a truck and they're just surrounded by screens, just ready to get something. Something that you see and it's just posted just now.

What if this is how they've mixed it up? You and Hannah Gadsby have the same password. That's how they've got it mixed up. Hannah Gadsby likes a 69 as well. Unless you are a character of Hannah Gadsby's, like Dave is for Zoe Coombs-Marr. Like Flanette. Flanette. Flanette, there we go.

So did you have any new audience members? I lost a few. I lost a few. I got a few aggressive. A few Gorman dresses and funky specs in the show that night. A lot of sold-out shows in Thornbury all of a sudden. Nice work. A lot of greyhounds.

A lot of rescue greyhounds started rocking up. A lot of Oslo Davis tote bags being dragged in. A lot of peoplehounds, a lot of rescue greyhounds starting to rock and up. A lot of Oslo Davis tote bags being dragged in. A lot of people from Drysdale. Drysdale. Dalesford? Dalesford, yeah, yeah, yeah. Drysdale. Denise Drysdale.

See, that's how my brain works. It's confusing. Drysdale. Right, right. Dalesford. Thank you. Now, you have the floor, Brett. Well, yes.

I was recently in New Zealand. I was enjoying a beautiful drive along the coast. Oh, yeah. Drive for me to New Zealand. No, I flew to Queenstown. You're South Island, weren't you? Queenstown, North South, South Island. And then I put on a little podcast to relax myself as I'm driving.

Was it a bullying podcast? It was a bullying podcast. It was a bullying podcast. It was a bullying podcast. It's your own category on the app. Where I was viciously attacked and unable to defend myself. I know the podcast. The best sort of fight, in my opinion.

You fucking rat. Cunt. And I was so relaxed. I had my phone off for like three days. I was hiking what happened? there was an episode we put out I did mention you no you didn't

it was a whole episode I don't want to hear your version I want to hear Brett's no no yeah he's already said he's already said your piece but it did go about three or four days

where there was radio silence where everyone was waiting for Brett Blake's response and even I was starting to get scared going fucking hell it's like it's like Jaws

it's like everyone's just sitting around waiting for the fucking pointy white nose to pop up out of the water. I kept getting tagged in things and I was in this beautiful town. Because also you're with your partner.

Yeah. You're on a romantic getaway and then you hear this thing that you're fuming and trying to stay in the water. I was driving through the mountains and then all of a sudden I went from 80 to like 120 just fucking squeezing the wheel

and just accelerating And braking dangerously And she's like You're pissed off aren't you I was like You fucking know I am I'm sure I'll be slagged off When I'm not fucking there And I like

My eyes were red She's like Oh fuck I'm lost today Slagged off Now what did I say What was I saying Well you know exactly

What you said Carl What do you need to explain To the room So I like to As we all know Well I'm going to tell My version of it Sure

It's to do with A friend of the show Sam Pang who I'm a big fan of. And to do with Basement Comedy Club. Basement Comedy Club. Now, the prosecution is speaking. Sorry. Just trying to give a bit of context. You'll get your chance.

So Sam Pang, right, so Carl's Comedy Club. We all know Carl likes to, if you're ever in a group chat with Carl, it's either him slagging off comedians or other comedy clubs. Now, when you get a little, when you get a little bit of a something to give Carl shit about,

you've got to take it. You know what I mean? Like, if you see something that would, would annoy him if another comedy club did that,

you've got to fucking strike while they are on top. you've got to press. Now, at Carl's Comedy Club, he started putting up pictures. That's not the name of it, by the way,

Carl's Comedy Club. It is. It should be. It's not Carl's Comedy Friends, it's way, Carl's Comedy Club. It is. It should be. It's not Carl's Comedy Friends, it's Basement Comedy Club. And again, I'm not going to warn you again. Sorry.

You'll get your chance. Yeah, you'll be interrupted. Let the prosecution, let the prosecution see. So he started putting up some photos. He put up three photos

of comedians. Huge ones. Massive ones. Yeah, like big posters. A2, A1, A1,

laminated. No, it's been spared. Because I went in one day and I was standing in the toilet. Are you up there? No, well, I haven't been there, A2 A1 laminated no expense spared because I went in one day and I was standing are you up there well I haven't been there I haven't sent my photo up there

but I was standing near the toilet and I was like Carl what the hell there's a massive photo of Kitty Flanagan who put this up there and you're like

I put it up there and he was telling me his grand plans about how he's going to deck the whole place out with photos who put the I love the idea

of just a random audience member taking their own photo and paying to get it printed huge and being like, I'm going to chuck this on the wall near where I sit each week. Because at this point, there was just one. So it just looked like a random photo. Just one photo. In the bathroom.

Hey, that's my domain. That is fair. One picture up there Is a little bit weird One picture's odd That is a bit weird It's quite weird So there was three photos And one of them

Caught my eye Because one Was Sam Pang So that stage So there's At that stage When you saw the pictures There's Kitty Flanagan

There's Luke McGregor There's Dave Hughes There's No there was no McGregor I only saw Because I'm looking At the background of a photo So I've only seen Thank you for interrupting Once again Tommy Get onregor. I only saw, because I'm looking at the background of a photo. So I've only seen, thank you for interrupting once again, Tommy.

I only saw three, but Sam Pang caught my eye. So I was like, Sam Pang. I mean, he's done a couple of gigs. Yeah, fair enough. You know, he's a big celebrity, whatever. No, you saw that and you thought, when did Bruce Lee do stand-up? Hey, it's that chef from Nazeem's Garden. So I thought. Is that what the show's called? Nazeem's Garden. Nazeem's Garden So I thought Is that what the show's called?

Nazeem's Garden? Nazeem's Garden When given a little bit of a He's done one gig At the basement comedy club I'm gonna fucking give Carl shit So I was like hey mate Have you got Sam Pang

Up on your wall And he's like yeah I'm like Sam Comed comedian's comedian, Sam Pang on your fucking wall. And he's like, yeah, what's the problem? When you sell out fucking three shows in a row, you can be up on the wall. And then somehow Carl on this podcast has turned it about me being jealous that I'm not on the wall, where in fact, the actual truth.

Shut up, Carl. Shut up, Carl. How can I bully when I can't talk? The truth is, if any other comedy club put a comedian's photo up on there and their first three people that they've ever put up on their comedy club was someone who's done two or three gigs, you'd be the first cunt to fire up in a group chat going, look at these dumb cunts.

So I started roasting him. He was like, mate, we get it. You want to be on Have You Been Paying Attention? You want to suck off Sam Pang's little dick? You know what I mean? I was like, what do you mean? I don't know. They're all little, are they?

Well, it's pretty big on my wall because it's a big A1. So, yeah. I was trying to go down the path of you were trying to suck up to Sam Pang and then it turned to Blakey's jealous because he's not on my wall. Okay, so what I'm hearing is you were trying to impress Carl with Carl's own sense of humor. No, no, I was trying to piss Carl off with his own logic. Yeah, okay. So you were trying to think like Carl.

I was trying to think like Carl. Right, right, right. You've got to get inside the mind to think like Carl. You went to the prison and interviewed Hannibal Lecter just to get some inspiration. I'd like the only person who can defeat Carl is another Carl. Is that what you're thinking? So you and Carl, how did you feel? Well, I was drunk at the time.

You were driving, you said. I put a Liverpool hat on. I started driving around a shit BMW at the start. I was far enough in the chat to look at this cunt. What does he think he is? You fucking moron. That's funny. Your impression of me sounds a lot like just you.

But anyway. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I'm not a good actor. Open mic, I started following you around. Yeah. And then I start getting, and I'm getting slagged off on this point. I'm like, Blakey wants to be on the wall, which I don't. Okay, let's be completely honest.

Do you want to be on the wall? Well, now. Because you know, sometimes it is difficult to ask for things, especially in Australia. No, I've got a cardinal rule. I'm very old school when it comes to photos on the wall at clubs. And the rule is you can't or ever expect to be on the wall if you haven't headlined the gig. So therefore, I would never expect to be on the wall because I haven't headlined the gig so therefore I would never expect to be on the wall

because I've never headlined Basement Comedy Club if I had headlined it then I would have gone oh I should be up there but I wouldn't have cared either way right right

okay well why would you book Brett to bloody headline a gig I wouldn't sell tickets no are you fucking serious no I wouldn't draw

in a crowd mate this is Hannah Gadsby yeah exactly yeah mate Hannah Gadsby's got my back, but Carl doesn't. If Hannah can put up an ad for you headlining Basement Comedy Club, absolutely, you're on. You're headlining.

I wouldn't want to do that. No, but you know what? I'm kind of on Brett's side here because that basically means anyone that sells tickets is more deserving of being a photo on the wall. Absolutely. Waleed Ali could rock up and sell out. Don't. I'll book the photographer now. You can get Denise Drysdale on. photo on the wall. Absolutely. Waleed Ali could rock up and sell out. I'll book the photographer now.

You can get Denise Drysdale on. I started to wind up. The car goes, when you sell out all these shows, you can do it. And I was like, you've had Luke Heggy in your venue for five years selling out every comedy festival. You've had Ben Knight doing the same. You know what? Then you've had Georgie Carroll.

And I was like, then you put up, the first thing you do is put up Sam Pang after those guys have been selling out for five years at your venue you know I love Sam Pang it's not a meritocracy mate it's not a meritocracy

showbiz why are you the first person to hang shit on another comedy club you are a fucking dog Carl why don't you just put up a sign that said

fuck all my friends alright alright Brett Brett hang on hang on you piece of shit. Hang on. Guy, you're a rat.

You are a dog. Now I've even got Nazeem. Cow dog Chandler. Now I've even got Nazeem on me, the nice guy of comedy. Man, I'll take my poster off the wall. I'm going to piss on my own poster. Can I win you over?

Can you see the new edition? Sam Bang debuts Nazeem Hussain. It's just gone up. I lookussain. It's just gone up. I look alright there. It's just gone up. We've had this booked in for a while. But that's because you needed a diversity quote. Brett, Brett, this is the thing, right?

We were just saying before, you signed a high-powered management act. You don't have to have these fights. Seek your management on the way. Get Hannah Gadsby on to me. You know what? In Malaysia, we were just talking about a comedy club that just got shut down because it broke some laws. We've got to get your management. Shut down.

Basement comedy. Shut it down. I'm on the wall, but I'm on the toilet wall. He's in the toilet cubicle wall because I've had more than one text from people that work at the European Beer Cafe going, why the fuck is this cunt on the Dunny wall? Why am I so horny every time I'm in the toilet?

Has some weird cunt left this picture behind? Yeah, why did Wednesday's steak night get bumped for this fucking... But now you've used... Now my main gripe is Carl. Here we go. The main one. No, no, no.

I'm not fast enough. That was the amuse-bouche. The actual main problem I have Wait, is this a Chico roll? This is a Chico roll You've now started a gripe with me and Sam Pang For some unknown reason Now it sounds like there's beef

It sounds like there's beef But you've broken the comedy cardinal rule Where in a private group message You've aired out something I've said For content for your show. Leak. And today, ladies and gentlemen of the jury. Oh, he's got paper.

He's got envelopes. Three pieces of information. Oh, my goodness. Are we being summonsed? There's got one, two, and three. Hang on, there's three envelopes that you've now pushed out that say one, two, or three, but you may have been trying to spell letters.

It's hard to know. Is that meant to be my name? Love all you want, Carl, because it's about to get very painful for you. Now, because you think... Now, our private group messages are now public domain in your world. So you've shared something of mine. So now I've got three cards on there with three screenshots on them

from a conversation that me and Carl have had. Now I'm going to get Nazeem because you're here. You're the special guest. Jesus. I don't want to be a part of this. Oh, you do. So one of these cards at random that you're going to choose. Tommy, can I edit this week?

No, no, no, no. I was going to say, is the rule now that whatever happens next is uneditable? Yes. Oh, fuck. Why is that a rule? Are you going like when you go in the cops and you're recording this as well just for posterity? I didn't think of that, but I might actually hit record now.

Here we go. That's a good idea. Thanks for the great idea, Tommy. Oh, my God. Okay, so one of these cards has the theme. I'm going to give you the theme. Okay. And then you get to choose only one, though.

Oh, damn. Okay, one of them is what Carl thinks about a comedy club. Another comedy club. The runner. And all the acts on a certain night of a lineup. That's one of them. The other one is Carl's

thoughts on a fundraiser. I'll leave that one out there. That could be anything. Who knows? And the third one is him giving me a play by play Of another comedian we know Dying on stage at his club Ooh Ooh

Okay I reckon two of these Can make it to where maybe Oh shit Which one would you like To choose Nazeem Oh man okay I mean

Because it is public Now we just go through Group chats That's our thing now that's what you wanted now you brought this on yourself we're doing the

getting cancelled fucking gotcha show oh my god this is a gotcha show what are you nervous about people are going to have to pick a side after this

I'm nervous about the work I'm going to have to do in the editor I'd love to sit back and just enjoy this don't worry guys slide into my DMs I've got the recording here I'm nervous about the work I'm going to have to do in the editor I'd love to sit back and just enjoy this don't worry guys slide into my DMs

I've got the recording here I'm nervous if I had a career this could be the end of it okay so we're slagging off a comedy club or we're shitting on a

fundraising event fundraiser an act dying or a comedy club can't go the act dying that's too individual you don't know which no you just gotta pick one

it's random alright unnecessary part of the game show but go ahead dying or a comedy can't go the act that's two well you don't know which switch no you just gotta pick one alright unnecessary part of the game show but go ahead number two Jigsaw Blake I got confused

when I was making I was like do I do it do I write each one on there Nazeem's chained to a radiator yeah

you open the envelope this is worse than fucking human centipede bit of a drum roll please drum roll and now the next part of the this is worse than fucking human centipede. Bit of a drumroll, please. Drumroll. And now the next part of the quiz is try and figure out what Brett has written.

I'm not a rad cunt. It's a rat cunt. It's not a rat cunt. Sorry, sorry. I'm not a rat cunt. Brett Blake would like to announce he is filming his comedy special on the 23rd of October. Tickets in Instaa as if I would fucking do that

to you you piece of shit you fucking asshole man that was did you shit that was a great misdirection yeah

whoa shit okay let me let me announce it again actually the other two actually do say something you want to read those out we're going to do a Patreon after this

maybe we can read them out on that Brett Blake it was meant to say you're not a rat cunt and read them out on that. Brett Blake, his comedy special. It was meant to say, you're not a rat cunt. And then it was me also announcing that I got my comedy specials filming in two months. You know what? I learned a lesson there.

I learned a lesson. The group chat is sacred and it should be sealed. But you know what we do? We need to smack your butt or something. You need a punishment. You need something. What for? I just put you up on the wall.

All right, fine. You're on his side now. You've turned on me. You need something What for? I just put you up on the wall Yeah Alright fine You're on his side now You've turned on me You know that's Yeah shit I just thought I'd maybe Make him a little bit nervous It was

Yeah straight out Great misdirection The bit really did rely On someone being able To read what you'd written I know I know I can't help but feel like The dismount was a little muddied

By Nazeem going I am a rad coin. What is this? It's a RAD. Yeah. I hand wrote it. That was my first mistake. Read out the ad properly.

Read it out. Okay, I'll do this fresh and then we'll drop it in. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm not a rat cunt. I'm not a rat cunt. Brett Blake would like to announce he is filming his comedy special on the 23rd of October tickets in

Irish BO Insta bio Insta bio or Irish man's BO so that's in Melbourne that's good it's in Melbourne yeah I'm filming

the catfish I thought it would be a great way for me to plug my special why don't you do a basement? Yeah, I will, but I'll be in the bathroom. Catfish have obviously got your face up on the wall somewhere,

so they've got that. Oh, you don't run Catfish? I don't run it anymore. Okay. Do they do photos on the wall? They don't. They could, though. No.

Maybe they'll be on a bread and out of this special. I reckon this whole argument about photos on the wall has just made the photos on the wall feel more prestigious now it means something you've given it meaning it does have meaning on the old school

you have to have headlined the club to sign the wall or be on the wall well Sam Pang he emceed he emceed so is that your gripe

that is my gripe and he's only done he actually did when we first started a comedy club which is why I was like don't create a gripe with me because i fucking love the guy we did a little shitty gig with like a dirty secrets there's like a room of 10 people normally come and i said to

him one night i bumped into i was like would you come and do our show and he goes fuck yeah i go there's only like 10 people normally and he came and did a fucking spot and blew the roof off and it's the first time our comedy club filled but But was it a headline? It was a headline. He was at the end, yeah. I mean, it was kind of in the middle. So he should be on the wall. He should be on the wall. Well, look, great.

So anyway, next time I go on Nova FM, I'm ignoring all of this and I'm still bringing up the gripe. So that'll be a nice little talk point. Ladies and gentlemen. I get it. You need content. Ladies and gentlemen, he's learned nothing. Order has been restored to the world.

Hugh, I was worried there for a second. No offence, I went silent because I was waiting for a sorry, Brett. Sorry I made you look like a fuckhead for the purpose of the show and create Guy and write with a superstar. Did you forget what podcast you're on? It's the bully podcast. I thought that the one, two, three cards. Hey, I know that you are more like me than you would like to be,

and you need fire put on, you need wood put on the fire. You need inspiration. You need something. You need something. You had a purpose, you know? Yes, Carl, you are my inspiration. You are my all. I am the wood on your fire.

He's your joker. You're my wood and my fire. Well, here's a present to you. I thought I would tell you a quick story. We haven't got heaps of time. Fuck, I wish we had more because this is... What do you have to do

at 10 o'clock? Don't give me another story. I've already got done one. No, no, no. Well, no. This is a story about me. This is a story that you like because it's a story about me

and my car. Okay. Oh, God. So this is what happened last week. I had to go to the dentist and so I do... My dentist has got two venues, if that's what you call them.

Venues. Are you on the wallet either of them? Two branches. One in the city and one in Templestowe. And so I try to book in and I go, I'll have the city, thanks. I'm one stop away from it on the train. They go, no, no, no. Oh, well, yeah, no worries.

That's four months time. Because everyone wants to go to the city. No one wants to go to fucking Templestowe. I'm like, well, I need to go to the dentist. I can't, I'm not going to wait four the city no one wants to go to fucking Templestowe well I need to go to the dentist I'm not going to wait four months we'll go to Templestowe

so I'm like okay no worries you can go there next week two weeks time or something great alright so I didn't realise they booked me in for not only for Templestowe

which is 25 kilometres away they booked me in for 8.30 in the morning so then I'm like fucking hell so I wake up that morning and have to you know

get in the car at 7.30 to get out there in time because they're going into peak hour traffic to go to fucking Temple Store. The rat race. Yeah, exactly. And then it takes a full hour

because on top of everything else, I do take several wrong turns and then I'm in, and that's the worst thing. Oh, and I've seen you use a GPS before. You don't actually put in the destination.

You just stare at the map and kind of guess where you're going. Follow it. It is the fucking dumbest thing I've ever seen in my life. I do, dude. Just get a Milways. Milways would be better than staring at the blue dot. At least you can put a pin on there.

Yeah, that you stare at the search lot and just go, oh, okay. It does look like I'm following the Domino's driver to deliver a pizza. There is a bit of that. It is frustrating. So not only that. So yes, that is part of the reason I'm getting lost. I'm going in. And not only that, getting lost in peak hour where I'm going.

I've taken several wrong turns because I've seen a highway. I need to get on that highway. So I turn left there and then you go, oh, you know what? That's not actually joining the highway. That's just going over the top of the highway because I don't realise how what how that looks this is like how you play grand theft auto yeah just fucking drive around and find a bit that looks fun run over a few people yeah exactly and look a highway over there probably fucking land a helicopter on it if you want it so it's just like hit hit start and then it just tells you everything yeah put the marker on yeah you

don't have to do anything and you just follow the. Look up the controls. I actually don't know how to do that, but I'll ask you after. You don't know how to press start? I don't know how to do it that way, yeah. You don't know how to type in a destination and hit go? I'll show you right now. Yeah, show me how to do it. It is so easy.

No one's ever showed me how to do it. Check it out. You'll see the button that says start. The only one that's highlighted in blue. Oh, yeah, that's nice. You press it. There you go. All right, I'll use that.

Are you fucking kidding? You never knew how to do that? I've never done that before. So you always just used to drive like this? Yes. Oh, my God. You press it. There you go. All right, I'll use that. Are you fucking kidding? You never knew how to do that. He always used to drive like this. Yes. Oh, my God. You are. What?

Cool? You do a lot of cool things in your life, and you're clever in most ways. Oh, look. Absolutely. However, that's why I'm giving this as a present to Blakey, because in terms of cars and stuff, I am fucked in the head. That's not a car thing. Yeah, that's a car.

That's technology. That's your brain. That's your brain. Don't blame the car car I reckon my dog could fucking work the maps app on the phone or so can I now

good boy so you were just driving around this freeway yeah yeah yeah and getting in traffic jams going the wrong way

which is like extra infuriating when you're stuck pointed the wrong way you can't even go the wrong way so I'm going back to this map thing

also not just going to someone, hey, I don't know how to do this use for the last eight years Google Maps been around. Never once going, hey, can someone quickly show me? You know how to hack into CCTV in another country? You're on the computer 90% of the time slagging off other comedy clubs and other comedians. Surely you can write on YouTube, how do I use Google Maps?

I also love Carl's brain of like, we're getting near the end of the ep. I'm the one that has the hard out time that has to go, I'll bring this story up just to close out the remaining three minutes of the pod. Should be a nice little stroll to the finish line. I'll be a little bit late now, obviously. All right. So I'm doing that. I'm stuck in traffic.

So it takes me the full hour. So I get out there. You're just hoping that you'll see a big sign that says Templestowe this way. Templestowe dentist. Carl's dentist this way. Yes. Yes. Absolutely. So I get out there. You're just hoping that you'll see a big sign that says Templestowe this way. Templestowe dentist. Carl's dentist this way. Yes. Yes. Absolutely.

So I'm doing that. And so I finally get out of the traffic. So it's taking me like 50, 55 minutes. I've got about five to 10 minutes up my sleeve to get there in time. I've given myself so much time. I'm like, great, perfect. So all I have to do is turn right these lights and then go up this hill and I'm there. So I get to the traffic lights and i'm waiting for the green arrow and then there's a guy next to

me in the in traffic pointing at me and i'm like i don't know what the fuck this means and i'm like what and then i look over and i'm going fuck this is this road is really dusty maybe he's pointing at that it's so dusty this road which is weird because it he's pointing at that. It's so dusty, this road, which is weird because it rained like the night before. Oh, that's not dust. That's like steam or smoke or something. And then just as the green light goes, that's happening.

So I'm thinking that as I'm turning around going, yeah, that is weird. I wonder what's going on. And again, I don't know. If you think I don't know anything about fucking Google Maps I know less about cars

well I can assure you smoke coming out of the bonnet it's not a good thing yeah well someone doesn't need to point it at you it's right in your eye

eye eye eye eye eye eye eye eye

at this point it was dust okay so that I was more concerned for the roads of Melbourne than I was for my own car it was a dust storm

yeah yeah boy Tempest really is a far way out I'm seeing cactus. I'm seeing tumbleweeds. This dust smells like smoke. Tumbleweeds, yeah. So then I turn and... A few gunslingers on the side of the road.

I'm turning right and I'm going, okay, so how do I confirm that this is a bad thing? And I'm looking at my dash going, I've never looked at the... I don't know even what it's called. What's the far right sort of... You're hoping you'll see a light of just a thumbs up. Or thumbs down.

Keep going, champ. It's all good. This is meant to be happening. Thumbs up, thumbs down. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Go, go. So the far right indicator thing is like whatever it is. And I'm assuming, and I'm looking at it, figuring it out as I go.

It's like, oh, that looks a little bit like a thermometer. And that's, look. And now, this is my. How old are you? My car's got the flu. Yeah. He's got COVID. He better isolate for seven days.

Big mask on the front of your car. I'm trying to think quick. And it's got the flu. Yeah. He's got COVID. He better isolate for seven days. Big mask on the front of your car. I'm trying to think quick, and it's up at maximum. And I'm like, well, if maximum temperature, that's bad, right? And then that's the point when I look at the other side of the car, and that's where I notice that's where all the steam and the smoke's coming out of. And I'm like, yeah, but I'm only 400 metres from the dentist at this point. And I'm going up a hill. And I'm like, so I'm very quickly going, what do I do?

Do I get away with it? Or what happens here? How long have I got? 400 metres. How long have I got? And then I literally think back. How busy, like how possible is it to pull over? Like how busy is it?

It's busy. But there's parking. It's not like, is it a clear way at this point? There's no parking. You can't stop. You're not allowed to stop. I've told this before My friend

His car broke down In the middle of the CBD In peak hour And it's just all people Behind him Just fucking gone bananas And then a guy Like in an office building

Just near where he had Like fucking was broken down In front of This guy opens up the window And leans out and goes Sort your life out Cunt A guy not even affected by it,

but just like, working away, just seeing this, he's like, this is fucked. I love an honest review. It's also like, get out of the car

and push it out of the way you fucking softball. It doesn't affect me at all. This is all good advice now, but I needed that back then. So I see... The difference in your decision, it either costs you $500 or it costs you a new car. Well needed that back then. The difference in your decision, it either costs you $500 or

it costs you a new car. Well, that's it. The only bit of advice that's ever stuck from my old man about cars that stuck in my head, it came to me like Obi Kenobi style right then. It was like him saying, nerd. God, is this the Steel Walls podcast?

I had to think fuck he said his name obi-wan yeah well there you go i got it wrong so i'm still cool actually i'm still cool i got it wrong i'm pushing up the lego glasses so like if it's you can't keep driving if it's over you're gonna blow something up so then i'm like okay mean, that goes for everything. I know. Also, and it's really annoying me now because I've told you about the battery before and I was like, cunt, when's the last time you changed your oil and water? You've got to check that every two or three months.

That did come into my head too. I don't even know where that is or how to open my bonnet. Yes. And I was like, you are a 50-year-old man. This is so dumb. Yes. Yes, yes.

46, but whatever. So it's the only thing I'll bring up. So, I pull over and I'm like, right, okay, I'm going to pull over. I ring the dentist and I'm like, I'm... Can you fix my car? Can you give us a push? Can you give us a push? The engine's like the teeth of the car, really.

You open up the bonnet, that's like the mouth. Get in there. Can you put a brace on my car? Yeah, bring that little vacuum thing to suck up all the smoke that's coming out. I think my car's got an overbite. Can you come and fix it? So I ring the dentist first and I say, look, I'm 400 metres away. And they go, great.

And I go, the bad news is. Can you come to me? You do mobile dentistry? Yeah. You're like, I've already got a chair. You're whining back. I don't mind spinning it in a console. I've got to push this up the hill or you can just walk down it.

I know which one's easier. Bring your tools. Can you bring some of that rinsing fluid for my radiator? I think you brought the rinsing tools today, but anyway. Can I drink it to just end myself? No, it's so bad. then i i'm like i'm 400 meters away they go great i said no bad news is my car is broken i don't know what's i and they go cool we'll just just park it and walk away and just come up and have your teeth cleaned and i'm

like i can't do that i'm pretty sure i've parked i'm basically on the road there's people coming up behind me and beeping and then having to go around me. There's no room to park. This is a bad place to park. I can't do that. And they're like, oh, okay. Okay.

All right. Well. What are you wanting them to do? I'm just telling them. What are you a child? I'm due there. Help me solve my issues. I'm only 50.

I've had no life experience. She just yells, sort your life out. Sort your life out. Well, I can't, but I've got to ring them to say I'm due there in five minutes. I'm not going to be there.

And they're like, oh, okay, all right. So you definitely can't be there. I'm like, well, I can't leave my car like on the road and then walk up the hill. I would love to see

the other version of this. Say if I did this to you while going to your comedy club and I was like, you'd be like, leave it on the road, you fucking cunt. I've got 200 people here.

If you did that, if you did that, it'd be straight down to Officeworks and you'd be straight up there in A1, baby. But just a photo of the broken down car on the wall.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is what this man sacrificed to come and do it. So then I go, well, I'm just saying I can't get there and I can't leave the car and they go,

okay, well, we'll rebook you in. Do you want to be in the city or in Templestowe? I'm like, well, not, well, I have to do Templestowe because it takes four months to get into the city. They go, no, you'll rebook you in. Do you want to be in the city or in Templestowe? I'm like, well, I have to do Templestowe because it takes four months to get into the city. They go, no, you can book in there tomorrow.

Like, the fuck am I booked into Templestowe for then? Someone just fucking made that up when I rang up before. They're like, you can go in there tomorrow at 10, 11, 12 or 3.30. I'm like, fucking hell. So they rebook me in for that. Like, okay, all right, well, that solves the dentist problem. So then I have to ring roadside assistance. And I'm like, oh, can you come out?

Are they on speed dial, by the way? You ring them that much? Yes. The guy's like, how many times does your battery run flat? For all the people that pay roadside assistance and never use it, I'm the one that sort of... You're cashing in. Yeah.

On average, they're still getting a bad deal off it. Do you have an old car? Yeah. But he doesn't drive it, and so it sits there for six months. And if batteries don't lock, you need a trickle charger, so it just keeps topping it up, particularly with older cars. Exactly what Brett said. And I've told him 3,000 times.

I've sent him the model number. It's so easy. You've told this 50-year-old man so many times. 46. 51. So I ring them they go okay I don't know

what's wrong with it I thought there was dust but there's not there's smoke or maybe steam so they come out and it takes them half an hour

to come out and in the meanwhile they're like just put on your hazard lights and I'm like I don't know how to do that so then I just wait for them to come out

you don't know how to put the hazard lights hazard lights you've got an old car. There's not that many fucking buttons on there. You know what I mean? I went through them all. It's not like a test drive.

You've got to plug in the iPad. I went through them all. It's not the fucking old challenge. I was busy talking to the dentist. Were you putting the left indicator on there, the right indicator? Calling back the dentist. Hey, while I've got you, where are the hazard lights on my car? I was the only red button in any vehicle.

I tried to ring Dad, but he was busy. I was the only person brave enough to try and ask how to do that. Busy doing what? Why didn't you ring me? I would have just abused you on the side of the road. Exactly, that's why I didn't ring. I would have at least told you at the end where the hazards were. So then the RACB man told me how to do it.

So then he comes up, then goes, look, I think this is what's happened. It's some sort of capper's burst or something like that. So you can't drive it like this.

You're going to have to get it towed. I'm like, oh, okay. And so they go, okay, well, I'll bring that. I'll get that organized.

We'll get it towed. Great, perfect. And so then I sit there and I'm thinking, oh, this will be quick. I sit there for half an hour. Then the tow truck rings me and so then i sit there and i'm thinking oh this will be quick i sit there for half an hour then the tow truck rings me and goes cool so this will be between three and four hours uh we'll come out and get it and i'm like i'm fucking in the middle of nowhere like i thought this was going to be like a half hour job or something i bring up the

dentist say we're back on yeah i got a window yeah so then i go but i'm parked like sort of on in the road like this is really bad i think and by then i've got the hazards on so people have stopped beeping me and they're just going around did you at least push it off to the side as much as i could as much as i could i'll give you that yeah so then uh then and i'm i'm sitting there in the in the car like trying to you know do work to make the most of my time while i'm in the car and i'm like there's so many people beeping me like i can't concentrate booking my facebook comedy they see you just in there fucking on the laptop they think you're watching Netflix you've got to do the thing where you you sort of stand by the car and you're like

you know you're pacing and you're like oh god Mondays am I right so it's just the radiator caps fucking busted just go to the fucking 7-eleven I don't know that water in it and they sell the caps there I don't know any of that drive 400 meters out of the. I don't know that. Put water in it and they sell the caps there. I don't know any of that. You can drive 400 metres out of the way. I don't know that. But that's a good point. That's what I did do. I got out of the car. I sat on the grass next to the car.

Yep. And I sat facing the traffic with my laptop and I'm doing work. Work as in Officeworks photos. Yeah, yeah. And so I'm doing work and then I go, man, this has fixed everything. Like people aren't beeping anymore. People are slowing right down. And then I realised realised I think people thought

I was a speed camera I was like a manual speed camera like I was sitting on the laptop facing traffic and they were like oh fucking hell

and all of a sudden people are doing 30 like faster than the highway using the fucking webcam on your laptop as a speed camera photo booth reckons you were going

10 kilometres over Carl gets into character and just starts yelling got your car yeah yeah yeah. Just abusing everyone as they go past. He's got one of the

novelty backgrounds on. You're doing 70 kilometres on the beach. So then they ring and go, oh, three or four hours. I'm like, fuck, this is, what do I do now?

Like, I'm not hanging out in town. I'm 25 kilometres out of town. I've got nothing to do. I'm in the middle of nowhere. There's not even any shops near me. I'm like in this highway bit and they go oh well the idea that perusing the shops would

have made it all right oh i would have done it i would have done it just down to the haberdashery three hours in there looking at fabrics there's a big spotlight show so then they go oh well you're just gonna have to do it that's how long it takes i go well what do i do with my keys like how do you get into it or whatever they go oh well you're just going to have to do it that's how long it takes I go well what do I do with my keys like how do you get into it or whatever they go just leave it under your seat

I'm like oh really is that safe and they go yeah it's fine well they can't drive off with it someone might steal this broken car this 1980s car

yeah the 1970s BMW someone's going to 1989 so so then I go okay so then I get an Uber

to the nearest train station. I figure, all right, I'll just get the train back in. So that is still fucking miles off. So then I get the Uber to there. I get off at the train station. It's so far out, it's in zone two. So that means the trains aren't coming very often. So I get there just as one's left.

There's 29 minutes to go until the next train. Fuck, I couldn't have timed it worse. Fucking hell. Also, get the Uber all the way to your house. Yeah, but it's fucking ages away. I thought this would be an easy fix. Quick train station. We know you love your trains, Carl.

We know you love your trains. So then I go. So there's 29 minutes to go. 29 minutes to go. So I'm like, fucking hell. So then there's like Safeway down the road. There's shops. I'm like, all right, I'll go down and do that.

Yeah. Finally. Suburban nightmare. Browsing Safeway. There's only a massive sexy land. down the road there's shops I'm like alright I'll go down and do that we're on finally suburban moment browsing Safeway there's only a massive sexy land and you're like I've got to go in here

if anyone wants to know fucking what's in what aisle in the Eltham Coles fucking I can tell you because it's 29 minutes well spent out there

okay so walking up and down the aisle well there's nothing to do what do I do for 29 minutes did you get anything

yeah I did a bit of shopping. They would have thought this 60-year-old man's escaped from the home. Are you okay, sir? Yes, yes. Is this like after school hours? Be respectful. He's clearly from the World War. This is early because it's so early in the morning.

So this is still like 9.30 or 10 o'clock or something. Nothing's open apart from the supermarket. I wonder what people think that you are or do. Yeah, I don't know. So then I'm walking around for like 25 minutes and I'm like, oh, I better get back. And then as I walk out, there's like a really nice looking bakery. So I go, I'll get a chocolate muffin for the train. You've ended. Yeah.

I'll get a chocolate muffin. 90% of the time when I see Carl, because we live on the same kind of the same road, but different suburbs, he's just walking around and always eating something. Just walking around with a full pizza or a fish and chip hiding from my wife yes

yeah or he'd come to my house and just eat out the front and be like hey man what's going on and just eating a full pizza in front of me then he fucks off

and leaves the rubbish behind there we go I knew it was coming I knew that bit was coming so then I do that so I get the I order the muffin and then fuck knows why

for some reason that takes five minutes and I'm sitting there going, is that muffin? And they've just gone out the back and they wouldn't come back or whatever. So I'm like sweating

on a fucking muffin. I grab the muffin. I run, miss the fucking train. The muffin makes me miss the train. So now, 29 minutes to go again. Back to fucking SoFlo.

Back to Woolworths. Just keys off. Do they have a train direct to the Westgate? Line down on the tracks. It'd be 29 fucking minutes. This is life telling you that there's nothing more for you. So it's an hour in Eltham.

So I've done a few laps of Eltham, of the Eltham shopping centre. But is Eltham even that far? What would an Uber be? It'd be 50 bucks. Maybe. I don't know. For the pure inconvenience of being in a... Yeah, but I don't want to lose now.

I've already spent half an hour in Eltham. I might as well fucking get there. But who are you losing to? Life? You know what I mean? Like, who's this competition? Yeah, you're playing this game against yourself. You're the only loser.

All right, well, this is all great ideas after the event, all right? These are all great ideas now. So I'll wait the 29 minutes. How was the muffin? Muffin was all right. Was it worth the wait? It was all right. Oh, my fucking God.

It was better than what it was. Was it dry? It was drier than I thought. Why don't you get a muffin from Coles? You'll walk around there. No, they're not moist enough. They're a bit dry. This one looked extra moist.

Are you just poking muffins? No, dry, dry. Oh, the poking muffin guy's back again. You think of supermarkets that they're not as fresh. You go to the independent cafes, they've got to be... So you walked around the entire supermarket, not satisfied with anything there no

and I was like no and not only that they didn't have the sandwiches I like so I was like pissed off the pivot from this day starting with a journey to the dentist

and now it's just you scoffing fucking mother who's buying a sandwich from a fucking supermarket that's the saddest sandwich I've ever heard I like those ones

go home Carl they've got the chicken and mayo ones at Carl get a fucking Uber get your life together so then get your fucking this is more stressful than me having all those pieces of paper on there The chicken and mayo ones are cold. Get a fucking Uber. Get your life together. So then. Get your fucking Uber. This is more stressful than me having all those pieces of paper on there and choosing

one of your things. This is stressing me out more. So then I do that. So I go back, get on the train. So I get on the train early. I go back five minutes early. Yep. I didn't realise.

The train's just sitting there waiting for me because it's so far out. It's not waiting for you. Well. Hello? It just happens to be there. He won't fork out for an Uber, but he will buy a train. Hey, guys, the muffin man's coming. I know some of you have work, but...

Did someone meet you at the door? Well, they sort of did, so I get on the train. As soon as we take off, tickets, please. Oh, I didn't bring my fucking card. Oh, my God. I didn't bring my card, because I was driving. I've got a fucking packet that a muffin used to be in. So I immediately get fined

by the fucking... How much did you get fined? It was like a hundred bucks. Once again, still cheaper to get an Uber. Yeah, well... Again, I know that... You know what?

This worked... Has it worked for me or worked for my friend? I just got out of school and I got busted without a ticket on a tram. My friend... Anyway,

we pretended we couldn't speak English and then we're here to the country and then you don't know what the hell's going on. That must be nice. When I was a kid and I'd get the tram home from school, I got a fine once

for not having a ticket. My dad was like, if that ever happens again, just tell them that you're a tourist and that you're on a family holiday and you didn't know how the system worked. And I'm like,

yeah, but dad, I'm in a school uniform. I've got my fucking bag on. Like, obviously that's not going to work. Yeah, I'm a tourist. I'm just cosplaying as a student from this city. Just fucking fuck them and run. They can't physically restrain you.

It's illegal for them. So you just look at them and go, whatever, cunt, and just walk off. Hang on. So now I'm Brad Pitt in Bullet Train just running up and down the fucking carriages. Just don't say anything and then wait to the next stop and they physically can't stop you and you just walk off. Really?

And then you feel great about just alfaring two people. So they can't touch you? Nah. There's only a certain type that can arrest you and they've got to have a handcuff. Then I'm still stuck

in fucking Temple Stowe for the next 29 minutes while I wait to get back on that train. Yeah, but you've saved $100 and you spend that money on getting a new muffin and a new bag. It would actually be a highlight of that day.

Okay. This day sounds so boring. I'm going to go back and do it all again. No, this was my day off where I'm like, I'm going to get so much done today. Oh, my God. Fucking hell. You sort of are.

And meanwhile, your keys... It's a pretty action-packed day when you think about it. It's taken you about 25 minutes to tell us about it so far. It's a quick two-minute story. You've gone a lot longer than the whole episode. Don't worry about that. And your keys were just under the seat at this point. Yeah, yeah.

So then I'm on the train. At least they weren't in your ass. Yeah, yeah. His keys were in just under the seat at this point. Yeah. Yeah. So then I'm on the train. At least they weren't in your ass. Yeah. Yeah. His keys were in his ass before. It's funny. Yeah. We don't have time for that one.

We don't have time for this one. We don't have time. So then I look at the map. I'm fucking 18 stops out of the city. Like, Jesus Christ, this is going to take me forever. So then I go all the way into the city. I get out a few stops early just to go, you know what? I'm so fucking mad. I'm just going to walk the rest of it because there's like a coles on the

way oh my god we know how you love browsing a car yeah yeah so you compare what they see what they're like on the train and then you even get off earlier and then take a walk yeah yeah god you're a psycho so then i go to that coles we did have a chicken sandwich no that's the thing that's as fucking the maddest i got there's no chicken sandwich there no that's the thing that's fucking the maddest I got there's no chicken sandwiches there either so then I walk

I start walking I'm about three kilometres from home there's no fucking trams coming this is why I don't want to get old you know so then

they finally the tow truck ring me finally and then go oh okay we're finally on our way we're there we can't find

you've given us the wrong information I'm like I didn't give you any information. They're like, well, your car's not there. I'm like,

they go, where is it? I go, I don't fucking know. I don't know where I was. I am a crazy person. Yeah. Yeah.

Walking around various supermarkets looking for something. And this is their fault that you don't know where the car is? Well, I can tell you, it's not Carl's fault.

It never is. It's everyone else's problem. You are a crazy person. The RACV has given the wrong direction. You didn't get off the phone. I don't know. I don't know where my car is. Do you think they're Mission Impossible?

They've got satellites and they pinpoint your exact location. You think they're Spider-Man. The RACV just has car sense and they just know where a broken radiator is. I'm not blaming them. I'm just saying. I'm a tow truck driver. My car's somewhere. I'm just saying,

was the RAC venue where I was? He called you up, asked you a very reasonable question. Where is the car? I don't know. If you want to know where my car is, please ring my dentist. He'll tell you.

Honestly, that's what I end up saying. Yeah, that's the best landmark. I go, I don't know. I know I was 400 metres from my dentist. And they go, well, what's your dentist? And I go, I don't know. I know I was 400 metres from my dentist. And they go, well, what's your dentist? And I go, I don't know. I don't know the name. You are fucking kidding.

That's what you're fucking lying about, Cone. Meanwhile, you've still got a face half full of a dry muffin to see. This fucking tow truck guy has to Google fucking dentist Temple Stone. Well, that's right. He was sort of like, fuck, I can't believe I have to Google this. What's the name? And then I'm like, I don't know what the name is either. Oh, my God.

So then he goes. What's the equivalent, Brett? Like, if this was a restaurant, it's like, you know, they'd spit in your food. What are they doing to Carl's car? Like, fucking jizzing the tailpipe or something? I think they'd just be happy to. They'd probably just think it's some 78-year-old war veteran who's, like, half naked and deluded. Like, I don't know anything.

I'm looking for a sandwich sandwich I just want a chicken sandwich can you just work five names into this story so we don't have to fucking do the other thing after this they probably they probably thought

like you were drunk as well they're glad you're off the road yeah I know so then I'm like fuck what do I do so I'm talking to the guy going have you ever had something like this happen before

and he's like no no I don't no I haven't you're talking this is a total joke I'm trying to get to the bottom of this I'm like had something like this happen before? And he's like, no. No, I don't. No, I haven't. You're talking... I'm trying to get to the bottom of this. I'm like, how do I get this guy to find my car? Have you had this position happen where the guy doesn't know? Where someone has no idea where their car is

and you have to guess where it is? Has anyone ever been this fucking stupid before? Have you ever met a dumb cunt like this before? I hope you didn't say you had a child because they want to send child protective services around. Oh, yeah. Blanket's still in the back seat, by the way. Where's my child? I left her with a dry muffin.

She's fine. So I go, what am I going to do here? And he's like, I've never had this happen. I don't know what you're going to do here. And also you're going, what do I do here? Yeah, I was lucky to remember it was Templestowe. I had to have a little trick in my head. That's on them, Carl. You know? Yeah. I was lucky to remember it was Templestowe. Like, I had to have, like, a little trick in my head where I was like... That's on them, Carl.

You've given them enough information. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I told you the suburb. Two stars on Google review. I told them the suburb. They couldn't find it. I said it was near a dentist. How much clearer can you be?

How many dentists can there be in Templestowe, to be fair? There can't be that many. So then they go... So finally the guy goes, Alright, can you retrace your steps somehow? And I'm like, I would have hung up so long ago. So then I go, look, honestly, I reckon I'm on 1% of my phone. If I get on Google Maps.

Fuck my arm. My phone's on 1%. Do you have a charger? I'm at a train station. Can you come to me? At this point, I go into McDonald's and go, Oh, yeah, another treat. That's what you did.

Maybe if I order some food, like I go, okay, I'll get a, so I'm on the phone to this guy. I put him on mute for a second so I can order a double cheeseburger. Oh, my God. So you go into a line, you've got the guy, and you go, Oh, my, I can't, I can't. So then I buy something, then I think If I buy something Maybe I can say

Can I put my phone on the charger And they go no We don't have any chargers So then instead I'm sitting out the front And then of course I've got to eat my full meal While I'm on the phone

With this guy Last week was the The charger was the happy meal toy This week it's the hands free car So now I'm out the front I'm out the front of McDonald's Going right What did you order?

Double cheeseburger So I'm out the front Still on the phone No pickles I want you order? Double cheeseburger. So I'm at the front. No pickles. I want it freshly cooked. I don't mind waiting. Yeah. I've got nowhere to be. So then I'm like, if I go into Google Maps, like I won't be able to.

I don't know how to use it. Yeah. I'll be able to. I'll see a blue thing somewhere. I can retrace this like sort of. I can Google like Temple Stowe dentist. I can go. And I go. There's a word I'm dying to use, and it's almost worth getting cancelled for, honestly.

It just feels so good right now. Don't worry. The word you're using is of my people, so I can say it. I've already seen you hold yourself back at least three times in this episode from saying that word. I know. It's my favourite word. So then I go, if I get onto Google Maps, it's immediately going to, like, kill my phone. Google Maps, it's immediately going to kill my phone.

They go, it's just a risk you're going to have to take. Because I'm currently driving around in circles in Templestowe looking for a car that says Gotham as a number plate. And I just haven't seen it yet. They're thinking it's a practical joke because you're like, it's Gotham. Gotham's the number plate. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Another prank show.

Yeah. So then I go, go okay get on Google Maps kills the phone immediately like fuck so I'm still like two two and a half K from home I'm thinking

there's no trams coming I'm like fuck fuck and then so I'm sitting out in front of McDonald's then quite clearly

a dum-dum list that comes through the drive-thru and goes hey dickhead and I go hey and then he just drives off I'm like fuck

I could have got a ride with him to my house. Also, your laptop, you've got your laptop with you. Yeah. Your laptop can charge your phone. Just go to a fucking 7-Eleven, buy a cable. No, it can't. It actually can't.

That's one thing. I don't have the fucking adapter thing. That would have frustrated me even more if that was. Yeah, yeah. So then I go, I go, fucking hell. So then I go home, takes me another, however long it does to walk home, have to charge the phone. Then I ring the tow truck.

Oh fuck. I don't know how to do this, but there was a, like, I've just given up. It's that thing. You know, that clear, I feel like this is the point you get to when you're going to throw yourself off a bridge. Cause I'm like, I don't have to care anymore. Like it's so, this is so fucked in and out of my hands. When you're in like really bad traffic and you're running late for something and you're

really late and the traffic's just not moving and you have that moment where you're like, what if I just get out and just leave it all behind? You know, just strip my clothes off, just fucking walk into the woods and just start fresh somewhere else. I can't do anything about this current situation. There's nothing I could physically do. It's infuriating.

Know how to use Google Maps, put water in my car, remember where my dentist is. Physically, nothing I could do or steps I could take to prevent this from happening. All of that happening. I'm starting to think, oh, well, I'll just have a new car. I wonder if I can buy a new car today. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because I've just given up.

Yep. So I get home. I've left the keys in my old one. Yeah. And the Cosmos. Someone else can have it. Yeah, yeah. Well, that's it.

So I get home, charge the phone, ring the place, go, look, this is a weird question. Someone was trying to find my car like about 45 minutes ago hey move your phone away from the cable do do you remember do you remember any of that sort of stuff happening and they're like oh yeah uh here's all the details they go oh yeah yeah yeah um that guy's still looking for it i'm like oh fuck now i feel even worse this guy's just been driving around circles for 45 minutes looking for a car trying to help an elderly man yeah yeah yeah

and he goes my nan was just like this when she was in a home yeah yeah I don't mind helping and the guy goes the guy goes we've gotten all the details

off you we reckon we know where it is where it was but we reckon is there any chance it's stolen and I go

well I don't know they go well where'd you put the key I go under the under the front seat and they go what the fuck did you do that for and i go fucking roadside assist told me to do it they said it was fine and then they go well i don't know we've gone through all the details it might be just gone and i'm like fuck so then i go through i've now got the charge so i'm going through google maps i'm like and i go uh uh is it is it here and i give

them so many and again this sounds made, but I give them new directions. They go, okay, great. We know sort of vaguely where it is now. You're still making it their problem. Like, hang on. Go, sorry, cancel the tow truck driver. I will go and find it. I'll go hire a car.

I'll get an Uber. I'll get a friend to drive me around. But they're there. They're there. So then I give them the new directions and they go, right, we still can't find it. And then I realize I literally have the map sort of upside down. Like I've got it completely wrong. I'm looking in the wrong.

You've got the map upside down. I've come from the wrong. Honestly, bro. I thought I was coming from the other place. I hate you. Yeah. I gave them the really... You hate him.

Imagine the lady on the phone. No, no, no. The ROCV. No, no, they hung up. So then I had to ring back. Can we go? Yeah. I promise this is going to finish in a minute. No, no, no. The RACV. No, no, they hung up. So then I had to ring back. Can we go? I promise this is going to finish in a minute. I want my life back.

This is worse than being waterboarded. Wait, wait. Did you actually say, sorry, I've got the map upside down and she's just hung up on you? Man, imagine if Carl ever gets abducted and they're trying to get information out of him like a terrorist plot.

It could be over there. I don't know. If someone pitched this in the Simpsons writers room, they'd be like Homer's not this dumb we can't this is like pushing it too far

so then I ring I keep ringing back and then they go so eventually like they won't are you still at the front of McDonald's no no I'm home now

you've eaten your burger though you've had your burger yeah you don't want to get up I'll be stopped off for a pizza on the walkway as well I missed out on the two sandwiches but I got a burger

so I'm all good as long as you're alright go yeah yeah yeah I don well. I missed out on the two sandwiches, but I got a burger, so I'm all good. As long as you're all right, go. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't have a car. I can't go through the drive-thru, but I can get a burger out of the shop. Your teeth are still... Yeah, yeah, yeah. Please make this story stop.

It's going to stop. So then I eventually get through, and they go... And I go, can I get through? I was talking to such and such. They go, oh, no, you can't talk to her. She's killed herself. Yeah, yeah. They pass. the woman literally

wouldn't take my call the other person was talking said just we're trying to get her out of the jump net she's left she's got to come

on the side of the building this ordeal has gone for so long she's retired yeah she just said she's cutting the retirement cake sorry she can't come to the phone

she's passed on a message she's passed on passed on nice little post it note they passed on a message. Passed on? Passed on. Nice. Little post-it note. It says goodbye cruel world. They passed on a message. They flipped the map and figured out where they thought you were trying to describe it.

And so they wouldn't actually talk to me, but they just wanted, yeah, they were saying they found it. There's a guy who'll call. He's not helpful. Yeah. It's easier. Just do a grid pattern drive up and down

Temple Star wherever the fuck it is. At this point we need to call Channel 7 and see if we can borrow the news chopper. It could be a car a bicycle

a unicorn we don't know what it is. They didn't think like Silence of the Lambs they like instead of like getting Hannibal Lecter they found someone

severely disabled and went what would you do in this position? And then they found the location of the car through him. Yeah, we've sent the blue bus out to try and find... Wait, so they found it? Yeah, they found it. And they towed it back?

And they towed it back. Did they tow it back here? Did they say, where's your dad? They towed it back to the garage I use. And are they fixing the car? Yeah, they fixed it. And what was the actual problem? It was just out of fucking water, wasn't it?

I thought that was definitely what it was going to be. But now you've cooked your engine up. Yeah, I think it's cooked my engine up. Of course. That's a new engine. Oh, my God. Yeah, it's so good. Anyway, speaking of running late,

now I am severely running late for my next thing. You're running late, and where you're going, their parking is terrible. Get a fucking Uber for once in your life. Book a fucking Uber. I'll do it now. I'll do it now. Book an Uber to the train station. Out in Eltham.

Sorry, driver. I only do gigs on a train train. Only 58 stops to South Melbourne. That should be good. All right, we've got to wrap it up. Brett, Blake, Nazeem, Hussein, thanks for joining us. Thank you very much. Nazeem, what have you got coming up that you'd like to play?

Oh, man, I'm quitting comedy after that. Yeah, yeah, filming especially in Sydney. What date? 23rd, 24th? I think it's... Of what? I think it's selling out September. Right.

Great, get on that. Go see Nazeem if you're in Sydney one of the best Brett you've got you're filming your special on October the 23rd

yes the catfish and also we're doing coming up me and Capra doing some split shows we're doing Bendigo we're doing

all around Tasmania Hobart Launceston then we do Newcastle so we've got heaps of dates coming up so if you jump on my Instagram check out the bio it's all there we'll read that out in Talking Dumbceston when we do Newcastle so we've got heaps of dates coming up so if you jump on my Instagram and check out the bio

it's all there we'll read that out in Talking Dumb Dumb when we record this next week after I have to do this fucking other job but yeah we'll give all the

specific dates out in a minute great thanks very much for listening and we'll see you next time see ya bye sorry

well looks like we found the pedophile pedophiles And they've done it again And they've done it again And Bernie has kicked a big one Yeah

A little one A little child Because he's not a pedophile Yep He hates them in fact He's the opposite of a pedophile Whatever that is He's an anti-pedophile

Yeah yeah yeah Yeah what is the opposite of a pedophile Just a person Pedophile phobic Just a person Yeah yeah I guess so Just a person who fucking Roots over 18 plus.

Yeah, whatever. If there's a term for that, that's what it is. Not to brag, but I'm a bit of an opposite of a pedophile. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We won't go too long today on Talking Dumb Dumb just because we've had such a bumper normal episode thanks to that tale. Yeah. But hey, guys, like we said at the top of the show we've got a live show in Melbourne Saturday October the 22nd up at the Comics Lounge

guys you know if you want to take a trip down from interstate stuff like that come down you know cheap flights at the moment

still getting good deals on flights so if you want to make if we haven't been to your little territory for a while come to us this is going to be

a really big one and it's going to be a very fun thing we haven't quite revealed the concept behind it but there is going to be a bit big one, and it's going to be a very fun thing. We haven't quite revealed the concept behind it, but there is going to be a bit of a thing behind it. We're doing a concept album. Well, it's a bit sort of us. It's a Sgt. Pepper's. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's a Sgt. Pepper's Live podcast. We didn't get to it on this episode because there was all this other shit. So anyway. I really felt like today was the day, but we got carried away with a lot of other stuff. We did have it all set up. But not the worst thing to have a little extra up the sleeve. You love to hear it. I tried to have that car story in a bit earlier because I knew where it was going.

I just couldn't stop it from going for that long. Yep. The train was out of control. The train was on time and out of control. LittleDumbDumbClub.com for tickets to that, which is where you can also find the links to our Patreon. You can get on there or you can go direct to Patreon.com slash LittleDumbDumbClub.com for tickets to that, which is where you can also find the links to our Patreon. You can get on there or you can go direct to Patreon.com slash LittleDumbDumbClub.

You can support the show and get two bonus mini episodes per week with great special guests. We had Jen Fricker was in town for a couple of days. She just did last week's batch, and then we're about to do another little batch with someone who may end up interrupting this thing that we're doing. Yes. Let's get into it.

You also, more importantly, go into the draw to get your name read out at the end of an episode and immortalized into the Stuart Hall of Fame. So let's crack it open. Yep. First cap off the rank, thank you very much to the unplanned title alternator, is, thank you very much to Patreon subscriber, Ethan Lynham. Ethan Lynham. Ethan Lynham. L-Y-N-A-M.

Line him up and let's read him out. All right. Yeah, God. Sometimes I try and run the names through the unplanned title, Alternator, just to make sure we haven't done them before. But pretty confident we've never read it. Ethan Lynham. Yeah.

I think I'd remember that. I don't really remember too many other Ethans being in the mix. Feels like a name that should be, that's like, you know, when you're a kid and you try and run your name backwards. Oh, I'll have a fake name. It's just my name backwards. Ethan Lynham. Well, that name is Nath

Maynall. Oh yeah, it's about the same. Maynall. Maynall. Yeah, it's about, makes. Manel. Manel. Manel. Yeah. It makes about as much sense as Ethan Lanham, I reckon. You ever watch Gattaca? No. Good film. Never have.

Had to study it in year 12. Had to do my essay on it. What was so studyable about it? Oh, God. I think it's all gone from my brain. No, but why? You know, those things where, okay, you know, they'll pick a book and you go, okay, I can vaguely understand why

you would study that. To me, Gattaca, from the outside looking in, just like a dime a dozen sort of sci-fi movie, why are they studying that one? The ethics of genetic modification

and things of that nature. Right. What makes a person a person, all that kind of stuff, you know. Yeah. It is good. Okay.

Yeah, I don't know, I don't know if it would stack up now, but I, you know, I had to watch it a lot to kind of, you know yeah it is good okay yeah i don't know i don't know if it would stack up now but i you know i had to watch it a lot to kind of you know find new things in it for essays and stuff and i was still enjoying it just to make sure uma didn't get a top off or anything like yeah yeah yeah yeah what if i had written that for my like year 12 final essay a huge essay about a scene that did not happen yeah just a horny 17 year old in the essay hall like this is fucking bullshit. No baps on display.

Just writing a review. You're meant to be kind of digging into the themes and what it tells us about the world. Oh sorry I thought this was for Mr Skin. This is for U12 English. I thought this was my Mr Skin exam because that is what I want to do when I finish school so I thought this was like an entrance exam.

Is there a Mrs. Skin? Yeah, very nice. Very nice. Does Mr. Skin still exist? Ooh. I... Let's have a look. You would think that now it's even easier to kind of scroll through.

Like you don't have to hold down a fast forward button to get up to a nude scene. You just fire up the Netflix and drag the bar yeah well it's not look it's not it's not it is up it does exist

but it's not costing them too much to run is it it's like you know I looked up Myspace the other day it's still there yeah

they've just left it there yeah so there's probably still a few people riding pretty hard for it just banking that it'll

make a comeback well I remember even I had a i remember having a girlfriend whose brother on the slide sort of said to me and this i know this is years ago but he's like do you know how to get porn on the internet and i'm like yeah and like i know this is like 15 this is like 20 years ago yeah 20 years ago yeah he's like yeah i know how to pay for it but you know i'm sick of paying i'm like you don't know how to pay for it. But, you know, I'm sick of paying. I'm like, you don't know how to fucking Google boobs or whatever. Yeah.

He just couldn't figure out a way of getting any porn for free on the internet. How old was he? This guy was not that far. He was 18. Okay. Definitely 18. Right, right, right, right. This is not a six-year-old or something.

Yeah, yeah. But I do, I kind of remember around that time, like post. Looks like we found the pedophile. Yeah, yeah. But I do, I kind of remember around that time, like post... Looks like we found the pedophile. Yeah, true. Yeah, that like early, early, early internet days and being like, how the fuck do you do this? Yeah. And then getting on like LimeWire and just typing porn into that.

Yeah. And just rolling the dice on a like 200 megabyte video that would take all day to download. Right. And then just, you know, having no way of previewing it and just being like, boy, I certainly hope this is to my tastes. Yeah, yeah. When it's come down the pipe.

Yeah. The old, what was it called? What was the music website called again? Napster. Yeah, Napster. Yeah. Yeah. That's good.

And the whole thing of like, oh, yeah, I'll get this. And then it turns out, you know, those people, the old, the pranking of the early internet days where you're just putting baby one more time as fucking seasons in the abyss from Slayer.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, you got me. Good one. Fapster got shut down by Metallicum. Oh yeah. That's good. That can be, that can come right,

that can come in the set right after the Ansel condoms opener. Hey, you guys heard about this new porn sharing website? Thapster. Yeah. Well, thanks, Ethan. Thanks, Ethan. Ethan Lynham.

Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber Jordan Rafferty. Rafferty. Yeah. Rafferty rules, in my opinion. Daniel. Yeah. That show. What? What's that mean? Rafferty. Rafferty. Yep. Rafferty Rules, in my opinion. Daniel. Yep. That show... What?

What's it mean? Isn't that... Or is it Lafferty? It's Happy Gilmore, isn't it? Oh, right. Lafferty. Daniel. Oh, yeah.

Isn't it? Yeah. When they're like calling out the other people? I don't know. Someone will know. Maybe. Rafferty Rules. An old John Wood joint.

Yep. Remember that show? Nah. This will surprise you. John Wood played a big fat cop, I think, in it or something. Okay. Or maybe it was a lawyer or something. He was fat anyway.

Have I told you about when I was in, I'm pretty sure this was in high school, we were rehearsing a play and we got to go to this place in South Melbourne that just had a spare, it was a theatre space we could rehearse in. And John Wood was in there rehearsing a play that he was a theater space we could we could rehearse in and john wood was in there rehearsing a play that he was in and we saw him in the hallway and a bunch of people from my year level were like the sarge yeah the sarge and he fucking hated it hated it yeah that's weird yeah all right okay but you know i guess that was his whole life at a certain point. Yeah. We, oh my God.

What's going on? What we haven't talked about as part of this is that we're doing this, we've got this very weird thing where both you and I have booked separate flights and we're both going to Singapore within a week, within the week of each other. Not just separate flights. Separate trips altogether. Yes, yes. Separate dates, separate accommodations. Well, I mean, I'm trying to say we're both going to Singapore,

but it was a complete coincidence that each of us are going. You were like, we're going to have to cram an extra episode in next week because I'm going to Singapore, and I was like, I literally just booked a trip to Singapore like an hour ago. Yeah. Which I had.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I think i come i come back and then there's like a little island of four days or something and then you go yeah something like that yeah so anyway we're recording this i'm going tomorrow yep i've uh we're cramming in all this sort of shit today i've also got a million other things to do uh and so i'm a bit uh heated up about that i've just as we're talking I just get a message, an email from Flight Centre. You love that, don't you?

Look, I did book through Flight Centre for this trip just because for some reason I couldn't get it online. I can't remember what happened. Something happened with my credit card where they wouldn't let me book it. So I was like, you know what? Too many overseas trips getting flagged by the ANZ Falcon. That's what happened so something something happened with my credit card where they wouldn't let me book it so i was like you know what that's getting flagged by the anz falcon that's what happened i couldn't book online for my child because she didn't have a passport at the time and you had to put passport details in right so the trick around it was i just walked into a

flight to and said three tickets to singapore thanks right there you go looks like you found the pedophile yeah so i didn't have to have any of those details. Okay. Anyway, so point being, I just got an email just to stop anyone from going, why are you fucking still booking a flight center? Any kind of communication from an airline or anything relating to the trip, the day before the trip, you're like, oh, my fucking God. Especially when the email is, sorry, we got our flight paths crossed.

Oh, yes. What, cunt? Oh, but that's just a form. Is that just like a, is that, because they're making a little joke. No. So I've just openly gone, because I haven't checked my email for a while. It says, oh, sorry, we just got our flight paths crossed and accidentally sent you a message today suggesting you'd booked a different trip. Sorry, no, you're going in one day.

Yeah. Well, that's good. But did you get the other email yeah well then i'm like hang on where's the other fucking email no i didn't oh okay yeah fucking hell so just an unnecessary they really are out of practice that two years has made them very dusty christ yeah right all right well hopefully i've been i was getting a couple of missed calls from my wife before. Maybe she got the fucking other email. That must have been it. Maybe that's it. Yeah. Yeah. Anyway.

I'm dreading the... Because all I'm hearing at the moment is just like all the flights are fucked and delayed and everything. Like I'm fully expecting to get out there and it just be fucked and not end up leaving on the right day. No. I'll be all right. I'm getting really early.

Really early flight, which I think will, you you know scare some people off yeah yeah but aren't they just they just they just don't have enough fucking people working at the moment yeah maybe here it's all anyway whatever we'll find out i'm going with an airline that doesn't have that reputation at the moment so hopefully hopefully not um but fuck yeah look i've been apart from doing all these odd jobs and whatever I'm trying to fucking desperately look up what's to do

in Singapore I don't really know what's to do so I feel like the algorithm of my YouTube has completely changed the last couple of weeks

it's moved an hour one way it's in the vicinity it's in the rough area I don't think it's too freaked out you're not all of a sudden looking up Poland it's like

what the fuck is this kind of about we've just gone an hour down the't think it's too freaked out. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're not all of a sudden looking up Poland. It's like, what the fuck's this kind on about? We've just gone an hour down the road and it's like, okay, all right, all right. You've run out of Thailand videos officially. Yeah. Now you're going to Singapore. Yeah. There's a bit of crab rather than panangkaris. Okay, fair enough.

Exactly. So, yeah, anyway, still got to do a bit of that. Still got to figure all that shit out. But, anyway, Jordan Rafferty. I wish I was taking you with me, buddy. Yeah, Rafferty's place. I did, there was a couple of people, I did put a thing up on socials last week or something saying,

oh yeah, man, Tommy, you're independently going to Singapore. What's to do there? And people just suggesting stuff. And someone did hit me up and go, you know, oh, I live there and I can be your guide. I'm like, no, I don't need a guide. I did say that. It's fine.

It's fine. I just need to know where I can buy beers that aren't $19. That's all. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, I mean, you just got to, it's just what that city, you just got to make your peace with it, I think. That's just what it is. Oh, fucking hell.

How are we going to play this? Should we get it? Should we just get him in the mix? Okay. you feel for one sec okay i'm feeling for one second we do have a guest for a bonus well the guest from the podcast that we just did he's popping in to do a bonus patreon podcast we've obviously taken too long and now he here so uh he's about to get involved in uh talking dum-dum you can guess which one has got more time on his hands out of the two guests that were just on the main episode. Can you guys guess who has got time in his day

to come and talk on this show rather than doing something on TV or on radio or anything like that? Can't. I've been on TV. All right, all right. You've been on TV. Look, even New Zealand TV is more TV than we've been on. So, yeah, that's fair. You're welcome to Talking Dumb Dumb, all right. You've been on TV. Look, even New Zealand TV is more TV than we've been on. So, yeah, that's fair. You're welcome to Talking Dumb Dumb, Brett Blake.

Oh, man. So this is the thing after the episode. Yeah. I listen to this as well. Think of us to be like, we need help reading stuff out. Let's get Brett Blake in. Yeah, if you want this to last three hours, you've got the right guy. Colonel?

No, I get all the me Colonel Sign up to our show I get all the way Through to the Like the riff And then when you start Get just get I get through about Two names and I'm done

Yeah yeah yeah I think that's probably What most people can handle By the time you're at that point You're kind of at the Two and a half hour mark Yeah It's a lot of content

That's where you are right now You've gone through two names Time to tune out Alright let's go Name three Well having said that Let's just do a quick Little plug for you because we did say we'd do it. Your shows.

You've got Brisbane, September 2nd. Yes. Brew Dudes, September 4th. Yes. Olverstone, September 22nd. Launceston, September 23rd. Hobart, September 25th. Bendio, October 15th.

Newcastle, 11 and 12. Yes. Get on Brett Blake's Insta or website or fucking whatever. On the bio. It's all in there. HannahGadsby.com.au. HannahGadsby.com.au. And most of those are with Kappa as well, I think.

Yeah, we're doing split shows and stuff like that. The Brizzy one's in two weeks away. So it's from the Brooders. One week away. Oh, one week away. So I'm pumped for that. Yep. Very exciting time.

I haven't met this dog yet. I was very excited hello my name's Tommy okay sorry mate you've met me heaps oh dear we go so

next cap off the rank thank you very much to Patrons and Subscribers Daniel Stiglek okay Stiglecky S-T-I-G-L-E-C the Stig

from Top Gear that's him it's the Stig that's him it wasn't Michael Schumacher it was this cunt who listens to I didn't think it was him

nah nah we can't be him anymore yeah he's yeah it was in plain sight all along

he just chopped off the leck off the end of his name and that's it well congratulations thanks for thanks for propping up Top Gear and propping up the little dum-dum top as well also he'd be the only Stig that's only well congratulations thanks for thanks for propping up top gear

and propping up the little dumb on top as well also he'd be the only Stig that's only got an automatic licence if he listens to this podcast you know what I mean

oh can I have that F1 car in an auto please thank you you got an auto licence Tommy I've got a manual licence

nice I used to I had a manual for many many years and I've gone back to the auto with this car that I've had

for a year and a half oh is this an auto this is an auto I've got an a year and a half. Oh, is this an auto? This is an auto, yeah. I've got an auto. I don't mind it for the runaround, but you've got to have your manual. I just hate when people go, I've just got the auto license. It is good when you're in a situation where sometimes you have to borrow someone, knowing that whatever car is in front of you, you can drive it. And I was always, you know, you get used to it, and it's just second nature.

But I'll tell you what, getting the auto, I was like, oh, my God, this is a fucking, I'm just cruising. You're in a toy. I'm getting in and I'm just mentally switching off. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's no brain power on the roads for me anymore. I know. When I moved, my first car was a manual and then I went to automatic and I was like, fuck. It's sort of a bit of a shame because I feel like you're going to lose this skill within two seconds.

And I absolutely did. Yeah, all right. Really. I love driving a manual. Like, I like, because I get, you get bored. Oh, it's like you. You would be a big one for it. I love it.

I really enjoy it. And then you can control the car better in a manual. That's how they find out you have ADHD. They're like, do you like driving a manual? Yes. Okay. Someone likes fidgeting. You've got it.

Someone's fidgeting. So, there was a guy at work yesterday and like, I mean, it was probably someone would consider it bullying. Who knows? But he's what we call the truck bitch, the guy who works out of the truck, who passes you the lamps. They're the new person. That's how they learn how to do all the lamps and stuff, is they're in the truck for like a year or two.

So they have to learn all the equipment and they put it all away and clean it and stuff, blah, blah, blah. But he, and you know, he was a really nice guy but he was like yeah i've only got an automatic license because we asked him to move a car and we're like it's just like it was like brother this is the worst place for you to be exactly it's just like 50 dudes chain smoking and drinking vb going like whoa i got training wheels on my bike, what of it? Yeah. I would love, you know, when we were trying to find a bus driver

for the show in Heathcote and I was talking about like, maybe I'll just go and get my, you know, my bus license. I do love the idea of just whatever vehicle you're in front of, you could drive it. That would be a good feeling, just have them, just a wallet full of different certifications. The bus, I could have drove the bus, but I was like, I'm not. I'm going to get maggot.

So, no. But I think I've got like. You've got forklift. I've got forklift. I've got. I could have driven a scene there. I've got scissor lift. I've got boom lift.

I've got. What else have I got? I've got truck, car, motorbike. I lost my skipper's ticket. You don't have your pen license. You don't have your pen licence? I don't have my pen licence. Definitely not. You lost skipper's...

What's that? Skipper's ticket, boat. Oh, right. You lost it. Yeah, I think I didn't renew it or something. Oh. But, because, yeah. I was going to say,

you didn't get pulled over getting pissed down a river, did you? Lost your fucking... Well, I have been pulled over numerous times for... No, I wasn't drunk. There has been cases where people have been drinking. And pulled over in a boat. We've been pulled over by the fucking Navy.

Really? Yeah. And the Navy police. Because me and my mate Tony, he's like a dodgy fisherman, me and him go fishing together. And we didn't really like... We just go, oh, fuck, I reckon over there. And we got too close to one of the war vessels when it was actively playing in a game or something like that.

I didn't know what the fuck was going on. We're just looking for crabs. Yeah. And then, yeah, they came over and like mounted us and then checked out, not mounted us, but mounted the boat. Yeah, they rooted us. The seaman mounted you, did they? He what? Yeah, the seaman mounted.

Yeah, they got me. And they checked the vessel and they're like, don't come. Got you your anal license. Yeah, right. I bet they checked the vessel. Oh, yeah. They't come. Got you your anal license. Yeah, got me my anal license. I bet they checked the vessel. Oh yeah, they went all,

they went around it, they went in it, they went up it. You know that little spot behind, yeah, they really checked that vessel. up periscope and then just kind of around

a little bit. Up, down, up, down, up, down, up,

down, fire the torpedo. That periscope's getting a lot of work. That guy had his pen license. It was Luke, so it could go in and out as many times as you wanted. He had his penis getting a lot of work that guy had his pen licence it was Luke so it could go in and out as many times as you wanted he had his penis licence

that guy the Navy pulled us over so they had the Indian chief the biker they were all there and they were like boys you've done us dirty here

absolutely so in summary if the listeners aren't getting this I got rooted by some semen yes you're gay I'm gay.

You're Dutch. Thanks, Daniel Stiglack. You did all that. That's you. The Stig. The Stig. He takes his helmet off when it's a semen. It's just come in there.

Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber Luke Heed. Luke Heed. Luke Heed? Do you like Luke Head? Luke Head. Luke Head. H-E-D-E. H-E-D-E. Is that Head or Heed?

Heed. That's not right, is it? Heed? I've never heard anyone called Heed before. Yeah, I've never heard that. Heedy? I'm just fixated on the idea of the Stig just being sentient, calm. That's the reason they kept its identity hidden.

It's not because it's a famous guy or anything. It's just like the public aren't ready. To see. Yeah, it's like an alien that's just made out of cum. People will fucking lose their minds. What was that cartoon or TV show as a kid? This girl, she transforms into liquid. Oh, Alex Mack.

Yeah, yeah. It's like that, but cum. Yeah. You know what I mean? It's just like sliding under the door. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know? The Alex Mack of cum. Yeah. door. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know? The Alex Mack have come.

Yeah. Yeah. Alex Spaff. Heed. Luke Heed. I'm going to look him up. You're trying to work out how to pronounce it as well. If he was to get bullied, what would you...

It'd better be Luke Heed. Dick Heed. Alex Givinghead. Dick Heed. Heed. I'm trying to think. Luke Givinghead, I should say. Yeah, maybe it's the only name

You can't bully I can't turn it into anything He looks exactly like A listener of the show So if that helps Big fucking Beard Yep

Cis white man Smoked Smoked meat In the profile pic All that Yep Hat from a brewery Man you're pretty much

Just describing me Describing my Stop looking at my Facebook profile I meant to say Yeah. Hat from a brewery. Man, you're pretty much just describing me. Describing my, stop looking at my Facebook profile. I meant to say on the episode, I went to a brewery with you in Sydney. Yeah. And just seeing you, because you, like, I only ever see you wear T-shirts from breweries. Yeah, that's the only place I shop. So you and I have a drink at Filter Brewery in Sydney, and then as we're getting up to leave, you walk up to where all the shirts are

and you just like grab about eight of them on the rack without even looking at them, just treating it like it's a boutique, just going in and the guy was like, have you checked what the sizes are? And you're like, no, these will be fine. Just one of everything, thanks. This is Searchlight.

I only shop at, and what's this one below? That's another one. Oh yeah, that's Atlas Brewery. Yeah, they're both breweries. I don't like going to shops. I hate shopping. So every time, but I go to like pubs. I only wear black shirts.

So I'm like bang, bang, everything. While you're there. It really has in the last like, what, five or so years become, it's like every bar brewery has to have merch. Yeah. Every, it's like before you even got your first customer in there, you've got to have the fucking hoodie and the t-shirt gotta have the shirt the hat i don't like when they do all the funky colors and shit like that i'm not for that but i've narrowed my

wardrobe down to a fine art i can buy the same four jeans every six months yes and i got i have four of these pants and then now i've found the perfect hoodie which is the dickies black hoodie and i've got now i just keep buying them every year. You're like Steve Jobs. Yeah. Steve Jobsite. Steve Headjobs. I only wear black so I can see where you spat.

Well, Luke Heade, I just looked him up, and his mutual friends are all, you know, look, people in positions of power in the comedy industry, so maybe I should be nicer to this bloke. I don't know who the fuck this guy is. Yeah, look, people in positions of power in the comedy industry, so maybe I should be nicer to this bloke. I don't know who the fuck this guy is. Yeah, right. Wow, he knows Dave Callen. No, I said power.

So who's this guy? He knows these people. Oh, yeah, okay. Who's that other one? More like Steve Heed's a cool cunt. Yeah, yeah, yeah Good riff Yeah, yeah, got him, yeah

Get us onto something Steve, I'll give you Heed if you put me on the gala Yes Yeah, yeah, yeah I don't think I mean, yeah, he could get you on the gala This could be it, guys Hey, instead of me sucking off champagne

To get on Have You Been Paying Attention I might need to suck off Luke Heed Yeah, put a photo of this guy up at Basement Comedy Club Yes Oh, that would really get my guy going Now we're on Now it's happening Yeah, let's do that I don up at Basement Comedy Club. Yes! Oh, that would really get my guy going. Now we're on. Now it's happening. Yeah, let's do that.

I don't know. I don't know. Who is this mystery guy? Let us know. Well, thanks, Luke Heade. Yeah. Let us know by getting us on the Gala. Thanks for just existing.

Yeah. Thanks, man. Thanks for it. Thank you. You know, you don't have to chip in if you don't want. We appreciate it. But, you know, thank you. Yeah, if you want to not be on our Patreon and instead just get us jobs in the industry,

do that instead. Yeah, we could live without the $5 a month that we have to split. Is it $5? If it meant getting on the gala. Yeah, I guess so. Look, I'd happily sacrifice that. We have a podcast.

We're too scared to do a Patreon because then we'll really find out the true value of what we do. I just know it'll be like three people. I know. Because look, it took us however long. We obviously did our thing for a long time before we did Patreon and then we had people sign up.

But you see people do it like you. But it also didn't exist when we started the podcast. You do a podcast for two weeks and you see these chances fucking put up a Patreon and then you go, what the fuck are you thinking? And then they've got three subscribers, and they've promised all this stuff, and it's like, cool, you're doing six bonus episodes a month for three people.

Fucking good one. I just want to go, just pay just a dollar, and you get nothing extra, but it helps us out. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know what I mean? It's like, it makes it all. Yeah, you look at your numbers, and you go, I remember before we were on Patreon, going like,

what if everyone who was downloading this just paid $1 for it? We'd be fucking set. That'd be so good. I mean, I wouldn't be set. I'd just be getting $500 a month. But that would really help for all the dirt bike adventures we go on. Yeah, exactly. Well, thanks, Luke.

Thanks, Luke. Yeah, like and subscribe. Flat stick. Thank you, Luke. And give us money. Yeah. Yeah. Is this a new one?

No, it's been there for a while. Oh, no, that's the other one. New what? Oh, I thought it was a Star Wars thing. No. But it's not. But I was just... I've got it.

You've got to draw a line somewhere, and Star Wars is that for me. Oh, right. Yeah. Okay. I interrupted a phone call by going to Mrs. Me and Kappa are going for a fucking mountain bike. And then she's like, I'm on a fucking business meeting. Yeah, nice.

And then it was with the guy who animates Yoda. Oh, yeah. The guy turned Yoda digital and then did the mask. Yeah. And there's just me screaming in the background with my shirt on. Dumb cunt he is. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I just got a message from my wife saying,

because I had to kick her out of the house for us to do that podcast just before, because we've moved locations weirdly. We did that at my place. Now we're doing Talking to My Number Tommies. I went for a man bike in between. Now I'm here. Yeah, did something in between. So then I just got a message from my wife going, can I come home yet? I forgot to say she could have been home like two and a half hours ago.

Oh my God. Sorry about that. Sorry, don't say your name. Let's do the next name. One more name. That's it. One more. Let's't say your name. Let's do the next name. One more name. That's it. One more. Let's do one more name

and let's get out of here. Which, do you think? Steve Jobs. Sorry. I guess it starts with a J. Thank you very much to, oh, that's weird. This is a coincidence

because I did forget to say something before, but anyway. Okay, thank you very much to Patience Subscriber. Go and see Nazeem Hussain record his special at the Comedy Store

in September 23, 24 in Sydney. Comedy. Oh, wow. Yeah. Yeah, that's... Fuck, it's crazy how the universe works. That does remind me of something I forgot to say before.

Yep. Which was, fuck Nazeem. Oh, right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, cool. Why would you... Oh, classic Carl, turning on a comedian when he's not there. That's exactly right.

Hmm. I've never experienced that. That's something... Slash ruined my New Zealand holiday that's something for next episode so I've got some content for him for the next time he's on the show you're firing him up

you're creating content I get it always be thinking ABC always be contenting well thanks thanks everyone for supporting

the Little Dumb Dumb Club on Patreon thank you for joining us for this Brett thank you honour and privilege at home for listening and we'll see you next time

well we'll see you on a bonus episode when we stop recording this and we start recording a new bonus episode in one second yep see you then see ya bye i gotta go bye