The Luke and Pete Show - A pocket full of shells

Episode Date: February 22, 2024

Are pistachios an acceptable breakfast item? Pete Donaldson clearly thought so when he scoffed down a packet in the studio this morning.On a related note, Pete tells Luke about the 24-hour candy floss machine near his house and the lads discuss the viral story of the breakdancing dad. Plus, we revisit our regular and extremely popular feature on b̶a̶t̶t̶e̶r̶i̶e̶s̶ vasectomies.Want to get in touch with the show? Email: [e-mail] or you can get in touch on Twitter or Instagram: @lukeandpeteshow.We're also now on Tiktok! Follow us @thelukeandpeteshow. Subscribe to our YouTube HERE.***Please take the time to rate and review us on Apple, Spotify or wherever you get your pods. It means a great deal to the show and will make it easier for other potential listeners to find us. Thanks!*** Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

party all night party all night what song's that i want to rock and roll all night a party every day let me say who's that kiss who's that kiss is that kiss who's that kiss yeah um so pete i want to give people an insight a genuine insight into what it's like recording this show with you because i think people's idea is of a certain type and obviously i think the product always turns out to be pretty entertaining and people enjoy it and that's good um but i don't think they see the hardships the hardships i want to give people an example right now just a very small example which i would say and people enjoy it and that's good. But I don't think they see the hardships. The hardships? I want to give people an example right now. Just a very small example,

which I would say is the tip of the iceberg about what it's like working with you. And it gives people a delicious kind of flavour, I think, a sweet note on their palate of what I go through making this show with you. Is that fair enough? It's a couple of examples. Well, yeah, fine.

It's a couple of examples. One is that today, don't say anything until the end. Let me just do it and you can respond at the end, okay? So one is, you're wearing what looks to be a ladies' pyjama t-shirt

with the words ideal and reality on them, which is confusing. Three times. And I know for a fact you've got a pair of quite nice woolen trousers on, and the pockets are full of empty pistachio nut shells.

Um, well it's hard to sort of, I can't really sort of deny any of that. Because it seems very much like I've just realised that the very soft, weirdly soft t-shirt I'm wearing weirdly has certain pyjama knots, let's say. Yeah, but what about the shells in the pocket?

I was eating some lemon pistachios. Delicious. The problem with lemon pistachios, I've found, is that they've, I don't know what kind of lemon chemical they spray on them. Yeah. When you put them in your pocket, they're a bit moist.

They stay out of the... They're messed up. Don't know where you bought them from. They sort of kind of, yeah, the off-laces around the corner. They do, they are a bit claggy. They are a bit moist. They stay out there. They're messed up. They don't know where you bought them from. They sort of kind of, yeah, the offalacens are on the corner. They are a bit claggy. They are a bit sticky. And I'm not really getting

massive lemony flavours from the nuts themselves. I just think lemon, pistachios, the offalacens are on the corner. I don't know what they're doing, really. So we've been recording since about nine this morning. It's about 11 now.

It's a couple of hours into various shows. And about quarter to 10, you said, I'm going to stop eating those lemon pistachios because I feel a bit sick. And yet you're still piling into them. Yeah. I'm just saying it's quite obsessive behaviour. It's not obsessive.

I just like them. I like pistachios, but I just think the lemon flavouring's a bit weak and a bit claggy, and it feels uncomfortable to eat. But now they're in my pocket. Yeah, the shells are in your pocket. Let's make that absolutely clear. Pocket full of shells!

Yeah, like Zack de la Rocha. What record was that? That's Bulls on Parade, which I think is from Eve at Lempire. Second record, maybe. I thought it was on the one that was... Which one's the one that's got the monk on fire? It's on the one that was which one's the one that's got the

monk on fire it's on that one no it's not that's the first record self titled it's not on that balls on praise on the second record

and the third one is I think the Battle of Los Angeles which has got Sleep Down the Fire which is a fucking banger what a riff and

but Pete are you someone who is simply in a hurry it's first thing in the morning you need to eat something and you've gone

packet of lemon pistachios or are you striking an existential blow for people who say only certain foods are legitimate breakfast foods because people listening

to this regularly will know that you take a very avant-garde approach to breakfast it's usually takeaway leftovers aren't it yeah I would say that like do you think we-garde approach to breakfast. It's usually takeaway leftovers, aren't it?

Yeah. I would say that like, if you think we're too restrictive on our breakfast, yes, like we are. And I think when you stay in like an international hotel somewhere, yeah, you,

um, you, you look around at this kind of different sort of breakfast options. If you're like in, I was in like Shanghai and stuff, you'd have like Japanese Korean breakfast. You'd have Chinese breakfast and you'd have like, Korean breakfast. You'd have Chinese breakfast. And you'd have breakfast in the West and stuff.

I mean, just a lot of congee. What's that? Like a rice porridge. Like hot, lovely, hot, watery rice. Savory? Yeah. Okay. And you'd have a bit of chicken broth in it and stuff and some scallions and stuff.

And then you have Japanese breakfast is fermented soybean, really bitter tasting thing and grilled fish and stuff. And we, in the West, our choices in these hotels

are always just like eggs, scrambled eggs and a bit of sausage. I don't think it's the West though, is it? Because in the US it's very varied.

In the US, I've been to places where there's been, I mean, steak and eggs. Steak and eggs, yeah. Yeah,

yeah, yeah. And lots of biscuits and stuff. Yeah. Creamy, creamy mushroom sauces and stuff. Is it because in Britain we're quite repressed?

Yeah, I think everything about our, I don't know why we don't piss about at breakfast. I don't know why we're all... More recently, the pancake has been made an introduction. Pancakes made an introduction. I just think the pancakes,

especially the way the Americans do it, is just unwelcome. I love a crepe, but pancakes, ugh. Yeah, I once overheard a British... Peppery thick cake. I once heard a British person in an American hotel at breakfast describe American pancakes as pillowy nonsense.

It is pillowy nonsense. I like it, though. I'll get a short stack and I'll get some bacon on there and I'll stick some maple syrup on there and some butter. Lots of butter. Yeah.

It's too much like cake. You're a cake guy. I can't handle cake. Get your calorie intake for the day out of the way. Yeah. Before 10am ideally. Fall asleep from 11 till 12.

Yeah. I find that people say to me and this is a little bit of a cliche, but I mean, the statistics do bear it out. In most parts of the US, there's an obesity epidemic,

right? A lot of people are overweight. And people go, that's really bad, isn't it? It's so surprising, it's crazy. It's surprising that not more people are.

Yeah, yeah. Because I find it, as an outsider, maybe I don't know where I'm going, or I don't know how to, I don't know how to work it out properly as a foreigner, but I don't know where I'm going or I don't know how to work it out properly as a foreigner,

but I find that it's very, very difficult to eat healthily in the US. Yeah. Because everything's convenient and everything's very processed, isn't it, I suppose? Even more than our stuff, I would say. And we're pretty bad. We're basically like a shit version of America, aren't we? Yeah.

We get the processed stuff, but we don't get half the range. No, all the flavours. You go to a shop in America and you see versions of products that you are very familiar with, that you're like, what? There's a, I don't know,

a lemon pistachio flavoured Mars bar I've never seen before. You know what I mean? There's always something going on that we're not privy to. They just don't bother sending it to our gaff. And even the interest in Scottish

drinks, you don't get any more. They've started... Lilt doesn't exist anymore, does it? It's Fanta now. It's Fanta. No, Tango. Is it Fanta? I think it's like Fanta Lemon. Tropical Fanta or something. Imagine the least impressive bits of the US and the least efficient bits

of Germany and you just imagine Britain. Yeah. That's basically what it is, isn't it? Yeah, I think so. This is the Luke and Pete show. Welcome along. Thank you very much for joining us again. That's Peter, I'm Luke.

The man with the pocket full of pistachio shells is Peter. Pocket full of shells. I don't want people to mistake us. No, never mistake us. I'm very embarrassing for lots of different reasons, but I don't carry, you cast-offs, and waste. Is that what you're calling... Julie, some enterprising individuals must be making something

out of pistachio shells. You can buy pistachios in the US without the shells on them. More expensive. Do you get the salty flavour, though? Yes. They're salt-washed. It's a salt-wash, isn't it? That's what they do, isn't though? Yes. They're salt washed. It's a salt wash, isn't it?

Yeah. And, you know, how they, I think, is it a, actually I think it might be a cashew that's grown.

So cashews are really expensive because they grow, it's one cashew per plant, I think. Right. A singular cashew grows. It's like a, yeah,

and so it's very, it's very labour intensive and not rare, but like, it's not like, let's stop pissing about with them. They're not that good. It's not like a's not pissing about with them. They're not that good. It's not like a grapevine

where you get 150 grapes on a little bunch. I had a muscat grape at the weekend. It's just food reviews. Muscat grape it tastes a bit like a lychee. Big fan of those.

Expensive. Muscat grape. Very pricey. Have you had a candy floss grape? Yes I think I have. Didn't taste like candy floss. It does to me. Remarkable stuff.

You don't eat enough candy floss. I probably don't. I have it morning, noon and night. I don't eat candy. I don't think I've eaten candy floss for 15 plus years. Probably longer. That's a shame. Yeah.

I don't find myself in a general geographic proximity to it. I live in Southend. Oh, true, actually, yeah. Everything sells candy floss where I am, which is terrible for me. It's like some kind of Tim Robinson sketch where you look around a house. Sorry, yeah. So how far is the, what, school? No.

How far is the, is the shop? No, how far is the, is the shop? No, how far is the local candy floss? If I ran as fast as I could, how quickly could I get candy floss into my mouth? What's the answer? Think about it. How long would it be? Run as fast as you can,

directly in a straight line to the candy floss machine. I don't know, from my house, though, because South End's a different animal. Let me give you a situation. You wake up at bang eight o'clock, and your mind is only set on getting candy floss in your mouth as quickly as possible. Fresh, but fresh candy floss.

Fresh, but fresh candy floss. Yeah, fresh candy floss. How quickly can you do it? I could get it, ooh, I could get it in my mouth in 15 minutes. And that is why you live there. That is amazing. In the shopping centre,

and I've done this when I've dropped Sammy off at Doggy Daycare, and we've gone, and I've gone to get the, drop the car off and then gone to get the, the much better line from South End

that goes through, like, basically the, basically the Elizabeth line sort of route. Yeah. And through Shenfield. And really boring, very specific Essex chat here.

But they've got like a machine in the, it's on 24-7 in the shopping centre, even though it's like half past six in the morning. It's not on 24-7. It is on 24-7.

A candy floss machine. Is it manned? No, it's not manned. Okay. It's a robot that makes you candy floss. And I wasn't terrified about AI until I heard that.

But you can get candy floss any time, as long as the shopping centre's open. So candy floss is made, presumably, by heating up sugar and whipping it or something like that? Yeah. So you've got a machine that can do all that stuff. It whips it really quick, doesn't it? They should be unionising these candy floss operators,

because that is fucking terrifying development. It's good stuff, isn't it? So you can get from out of your bed, that in your gob in 15 minutes? Yeah, probably less, yeah. To that in your gob in 15 minutes yeah probably less yeah probably less to be safe

you say 15 minutes I'd love to hear if I'm taking the coastal road yeah 17 minutes I can get it from the

from the seaside you know creators of that particular that's the opening offer if anyone listening to this can get

from waking up in the morning to candy floss in their cake hole. Made. Made fresh. Made fresh. It has to be fresh.

Made fresh, yeah. Quicker than 17 minutes. Hello at LukeandPeteShow.com. I think you'll be surprised. There's a few people listening. I know because of the Luke and Pete Show thread channel. A channel, sorry, up on the Rumble Discord. A lot of them live by the coast.

One of them lives on the Isle of Bute. I mean, Scotland isn't really known for candy floss, though, I suppose. I'm really looking for... Yeah, quite. I'm really looking to hear from people from Margate, from Leon C, from potentially, potentially some seaside towns down in Devon and Cornwall. Yeah.

Although, what I would say about that is, and Pete, back me up on this, have you spent much time down in Devon and Cornwall? Yes, I have, actually, yeah. Everything's slower. Yeah. They do things far slower. They do things slower, yeah.

I think you cut off for that. Listen. It's a lazy obsession with your nationality as well as Cornwallians. Specifically to Cornwall, do you reckon? Yeah. Weird pride, I don't really understand. Well, we'll come on to that.

You don't understand any kind of pride. No. Epicenter of doing things quickly for no reason is London. I thought the further west you go, it gets noticeably slower, and I think the big cut-off is Bristol. Bristol's got designs on being a kind of mini-London, a more artistic, creative London,

but it's very slow. And the moment you start getting west of Bristol, my goodness me. I mean, I've sat in a Devonshire cream tea shop and waited half an hour for a cream tea. And all they're doing, really, is cutting a scone. Actually, they don't even cut it in half.

They put it on a plate and make a pot of tea. And the little pots are like pre... You just get them out of the fridge, don't they? Yeah, exactly. Bit of jam. Pot get them out of the fridge, don't they? Yeah, exactly. Bit of jam, pot of clotted cream out of the fridge.

Nothing else. And half an hour doesn't sound like that long, but put it in context, that's two candy floss trips. That's two candy floss trips. Whichever way you slice it. Anyway,

recently on the Luke and Pete show, I told you guys about the genuinely impressive magic trick I saw at Old Trafford. I tried to prove to Pete that I could juggle and that was ill-advised at the time.

My ego got the better of me then. I'll tell you why. It wasn't a very good effort, but I was in a very kind of restricted space, and I didn't have items ready for juggling. I had to improvise. You chose the wrong items for me. Well, I had no choice.

I couldn't choose anything else. Right. What else am I going to do? Get your jugglers in short order near your desk. I had no choice. I couldn't choose anything else. Right. What else am I going to do? Get your jugglers in short order near your desk. Should have, yeah. If I've got candy

floss at my fingertips you need your juggling balls. If I'm meeting potential new employees or collaborators, co-producers and

presenters and I just on the Zoom just bash out a bit of juggling. When the Zoom starts I'm juggling with a big grid on my face.

At this company you'll need to juggle a few things. And each juggling ball's an apple. And I go, I juggle. Have a little bite, yeah. And I take a bite and go,

mmm, budgets. You're right, yeah. Bite another one, mmm, libel law. Right. Bite another one.

What else would I do? Never heard of any of those things. I know. And then, Pete, you talked to us about the legendary Fart Machine 2. Oh, the Fart Machine 2 yes

so good they had to make another one we did briefly talk about potentially taking a travelling magic show on the road you talked about a movie you'd seen

we talked about Idris Elba we kind of got down the road of thinking that you might better beat Idris Elba in a fight

I don't remember saying that but if it's down there in black and white producer Rory wrote that scribble that down he never lies yeah

in his cursive we've got two producers one can only tell the truth and one can only lie and Rory's the one that can only tell the truth yeah and actually

and we talked a bit about Antiques Roadshow and I watched a bit of Antiques Roadshow again we were recording this on a Monday I watched a bit

of Antiques Roadshow last night I'll tell you what was interesting about that episode of Antiques Roadshow no antiques yeah it was you what was interesting about that episode of Antiques Roadshow. No antiques. Yeah, it was just lollipops.

Lollipops? Only lollipops. The whole episode. The best lollipop. And Fiona Bruce was wrapping lollipops in the background going, what? Next lollipop. Next one. It's the lollipop that Ryn Rooney licked on holiday that time. Famous lollipops. Was he on holiday? Iop that Ryn Rooney licked on holiday that time. Famous lollipops.

Was he on holiday? I thought he was just walking down the street. No, he was dressed like a baby, wasn't he? That one, the lollipop that hit David Bowie in the eye

that time. I'm trying to think of famous lollipops. Kojaks. Kojaks can't be up there. Kojaks one's up there for sure. There's your top three right there.

There's your top three. I didn't even know about the one hitting David Bowie in the eye yeah it's a really funny picture heterochromia

well it couldn't have helped could it David Bowie I think it might have been Ice Lolly actually which I don't know whether

it fits well if you just put it on the wound can't you just hold it straight on the wound Owie Bowie the son went with

it's just like it was it was it's a brilliant photo. It's a brilliant photo, isn't it? It's like stuck to his face. This is the moment when pop legend David Bowie was... Bowie? Bowie?

Bowie? I would say David Bowie. David Bowie. Was nearly blinded as a lollipop hurled on stage, wedged in his eye. He winced an agony as the stick shot between his left eyeball and its lid. What year is that? He immediately stopped the concert and yelled abuse at the thrower. The idea of doing it before he's screaming at someone.

2004. So, yeah, one fan said he grabbed a mic and he called the person responsible a coward and a bastard. So the shop. So, to the shop. Yeah. Freed, an aide who rushed on,

freed the suite. I love that he's an aide. I love when you get, when you get that rich or that famous, they become aides, don't they? Yes.

It's not like a, it's not like a road, because probably he's a member of the road crew, right? I remember, I remember, I remember Victor Smith doing Crank Call, rest in peace. He rang up the White House and spoke to somebody

and he was going, I hear, and he's crying, and he said, I heard that the president has AIDS. And they were like, no, the president has AIDS. And it took him like five minutes to explain that it didn't mean that he had the disease. It meant plural of assistance. Exactly. And Victor Lewis Smith essentially set fire to his own career

by going really big and hard on how much he hated the office, didn't he? Did he? Oh, yeah. Did he review it? He reviewed it in a really passionately negative way. I don't know. That's kind of his thing, wasn't it? He was a bit of a contrarian. Bit of a I don't know, that's kind of his thing, wasn't it? He was a bit of a contrarian. Bit of a dickhead. That's kind of his thing.

I was in the Groucho. Ultimately, if you are... Is he dead now? He died last year, I think. That's a shame. Because my dad sort of connected between his Victor Lewis Smith... Those prank calls he used to ring. He used to ring up like...

I don't remember though, so I remember it was a TV critic, I don't remember it was a presenter. It was, because he had a TV show for a bit, but he was TV awful, I think, because he,

obviously TV awful was, I think, his column. But, his tapes, I can't remember what it's called now, but they were very funny. I mean,

very offensive, but he'd ring up Michael Winner and call him a cunt. He had access to all these numbers because of his job. Yeah. And he'd ring up that slave and pretend he could play the trombone

with his feet and stuff. And I remember one, he would ring up a TV repair place and he was going, hello, I am... Pretend to be a German. He'd go would go hello I have taken the back off the television there is a there is a button saying

danga I will press the button danga and they go don't do that what are you doing and it's just bang and it's just I just always remember him going I've lost someone across the room

and then he said what is it a bus or ambulance and you're going why are you saying no to me no no no yeah

yeah I get it solid stuff solid jingoistic xenophobic stuff is it aged well would you say no terribly

there's a couple of where he has a good people who really deserve it so solid, jinguistic, xenophobic stuff. Is it aged well, would you say? No, terribly. There's a couple of them where he has a good, people who really deserve it. So, yeah. Like you with Mad Frankie Fraser. Mad Frankie Fraser. I was actually,

I was researching a joke I did on the Ramble on Monday. Researching a joke? Well, I wanted to make a joke about Jack the Hat McVitie. Okay,

yeah. And I, I did the joke. Here's hoping it made the edit. I haven't listened back. And, I went down a bit of a Wikipedia rabbit hole about the craze and Jack the Hatter. But he was killed by the craze and the rest of it.

And I didn't realise, you know you had that kind of checkered history of Mad Frankie Fraser. Right. I didn't know that he was one of the main guys who helped dispose of the body and did all the running around for the craze. Really, that was his thing.

Right. He was like a proper gangster. Yeah. So he wasn't like a me too kind of guy. Yeah. One of those TV gangsters. No, he was properly, yeah, he was properly in amongst it. Yeah.

He's dead now though, obviously, isn't he? Yeah. Died about 10 years ago. Yeah. Actually, the thing about him is that he lived I'm just looking at him now he lived to the age of 90 yeah rarely happens in that game

very rarely I'll tell you what about men excelling at an age where they should be retiring Ben Hart

the the breakdancing dad yeah so this went viral on TikTok the last week or two. Cause this girl, it was a girl who did, I think a writer in Hollywood and she,

um, and she was basically saying that like my trauma is quite funny. And if you've got trauma and it's funny, you got to tell people about it cause it's funny. And she was basically saying that her dad, um, left family home, um,

left four kids and a, left four kids and a wife and just basically became a breakdancer. Yeah, it's a brilliant video and she tells the story really well and it is one of the

most cringe things you can imagine your dad doing as a young person. Well, it's just funny that he like he's an older man he's like a man in his 60s doing breakdancing he's really good at it

yeah he's been really good at it for you know a man of that age and he basically left broke up a family by her words and you know like left the home

and just became a breakdancer and the juxtaposition of her trauma and the chaos that she's been through in her life and the dad on Britain's Got Talent or whatever doing breakdancing. It's like an American in the 90s, though, right?

Yeah. Just having a dance. Hasn't he released a rebuttal video? So he's done a rebuttal video. And like everything, what I need to do is just enjoy something and then never explore again because it ruins the rebuttals. The information behind it doesn't help. It makes it sad.

But here's the thing, and this speaks to the very... So what the rebuttal, the dad's rebuttal is like, look, it's funny and stuff, but yeah, great. But I did actually end up giving over $5 million to the family. Yeah, and we were divorced. So, I mean, people do divorce. And they always looked after... I gave them $600,000 for college

and so ultimately it's not funny though is it no and that's the thing and that speaks to the heart of what you can't do as a broadcaster in that

because you can't let the actual truth get in the way of a good story you can't because if you tell a story that's why you don't

work on 5 Drive no more it's fucking boring it's the unique way the BBC's funded but that's you can't, like, you have to employ

some kind of comedic device or exaggeration or whatever. And the way I see it is, look, if you're not, you know,

really massively, I mean, in this case, maybe she is disrespecting her dad's family name and so it's different but that's what TikTok

can be like. But that said, he, I mean, the shot of him doing the well-prepared statement, he is wearing a jazzy shirt with Bitcoin on it.

A jazzy Bitcoin shirt. Yeah, so who knows which way, I mean, choose a side, that's what I would say. I was just going to say about Frankie Fraser quickly, you know,

he's the kind of guy that these kind of proper old-fashioned boys, quite right-wing guys, like, love. They're obsessed with him, aren't they? Buy all the books,

read about it. Alan Partridge sent it up quite well in there. We have Dan the Dagger Man from Daggerdom and all that kind of stuff. But if you look at Frankie Fraser's record during the biggest crisis of the 20th century for this country, the Second World War, what was Frankie Fraser up to? Oh, just running around, doing naughty stuff. In his own words, such were the criminal opportunities during the war. I've never forgiven the Germans for surrendering.

And the second thing was, 1942, while he was serving in a prison sentence in Chelmsford Prison, he came to the attention of the British Army and he was conscripted, but he later boasted he'd never once worn the uniform, ignored all call-up papers, deserted, and resumed his criminal activities. Cheers for your effort, mate.

Cheers for doing the good thing, fighting the good fight for us. Absolutely unbelievable. And the sort of people who would be tweeting about him and Facebooking about him would have a spitfire on their pictures. Yeah, and we've got proper generation. Back when men were men. Yeah, exactly. Anyway, Peter, we haven't had a break yet.

All right, then. We should have a break. Fine. When we come back... We're not talking about balls again, are we? Well, I'm actually quite looking forward to batteries first. Okay, batteries and balls. Batteries and your balls.

Go back to school with Rogers and get Canada's fastest and most reliable internet. Perfect for streaming lectures all day or binging TV shows all night. Save up to $20 per month on Rogers Internet. Visit rogers.com for details. We got you. Rogers. We're back with the Luke and Pete show and every single Thursday we talk about all things batteries.

If you found a battery in your raw control, let us know what it is and what brand it is. Paul's got it touch hello gents listeners since the Luke and Pete summer days when I was living in Singapore third time emailer you read one of my previous emails a few years ago which discussed the funhouse dummy that turned out to be a real corpse of an

American outlaw wow anyway this time I have a battery to submit not too hopeful for this one but I thought I'd get in on the action and the action is good media range premium alkaline I like I'd get in on the action. And the action is good. Media Range, premium alkaline. I like the clean design. I like the slightly computer-y typeface they've used.

And the word mignon, double A, which is funny. Media Range, one word. Media Range, yeah. Well, yeah, they've concatenated it, but there is a capital letter in R. But Media Range, I think, yeah, I think that's one word. So yeah, Paul, that is a new player. Congratulations to you, my friend. Paul! Cracking stuff. The image you've attached is absolutely gigantic.

I'm going to have to scroll through the image. It's actually made in the People's Republic of China as well, according to the battery. Good on him. Good lot, that. Media range. Marcus told me once Marcus from the Ramble told me that

he was doing the announcing for the hockey I think or maybe the blind football at the Olympics in 2012

and he was the venue announcer and obviously had to announce the teams in and all that kind of stuff and he kept accidentally saying

he kept accidentally saying the Democratic Republic of China right okay yeah I think it accidentally saying the Democratic Republic of China. Right. Okay. Yeah. I think it's the People's Republic of China. He's thinking about he's thinking about Congo, isn't he?

Probably, yeah. He's always thinking about Congo. Always thinking about Congo. He never stops thinking it's what you like about Marcus. Yeah. He never stops thinking about Congo. Hi, lads.

Recently, I was visiting a friend in Budapest. Lucian got in touch. Sorry, to cut in, what are you legally obliged to say a friend in Budapest Lucian got in touch Sorry to cut in but what are you legally obliged to say when someone mentions Budapest I'm in Budapest

my high hidden treasure chest That's a bit of George Ezra isn't it George Ezra No you have to say it's actually two cities Buda and Pest

Is it really Separated by a river Everyone knows that It's like a cliched bit of trivia I don't care I've trivia. I don't care. I've been there. I don't care.

Been there, don't care. Maybe you've only been to one of them. Exactly. Good point. And when I found a broken torch that seemingly

hadn't been touched for years, I couldn't resist looking inside for some Hungarian new player action. I've attached pictures of my findings,

Hiwatt and Samcor. Both seem like fairly generic battery brands so I can't say my hopes are too high but I thought it was worth a go.

Samcor and HiWatt. So, aesthetically, I prefer the HiWatt. It's got nice little loads on it and stuff. Yeah, very clean.

Looks like it'd be fresh and it's got that thing, that design on it that they show the inside of an atom with the neutrons and the electrons and stuff. But that's not a new player.

That's the bad news. The good news is that Samco is a new player. Extraverguity, lovely The good news is that Samco is a new player. Extra heavy duty. Lovely. I'm really surprised to hear that. I feel like I've seen it before.

You think Samco... It's a new player, apparently. Very 70s design. I'm enjoying it. And Lucian, first of all, there's a man called Lucian. So he should deserve credit or criticism for that. Depends where you look at it. But he's also sent that email to us on Valentine's Day, Pete.

So judge how you will. Happy Valentine's Day to Lucien. Oh, from Pavel. Hi, the Luke and the Petes. I give you Dura Day. Oh, I'm not even bothering. Surely, chaps. It was found in a child's toy that I bought at the Panto this Christmas.

So, yeah, Dura Day, I'm not even going to check. Well, I am going to check, just to tell you, Pavel. I like the orangey kind of like wood grain effect they've got on that. Yeah, he's the 114th person to send Dura Day, I'm not even going to check. Well, I am going to check, just to tell you, Pavel. I like the orangey, kind of like woodgrain effect they've got on that. Yeah, he's the 114th person to send Dura Day in. He's got like a, not a sore, but like a dry spot on his, what finger's that one? Is that his middle finger? Yeah, yeah.

In the same place that I've got. What have we been up to? Masturbating. Is it masturbation related, Peter? Not with my left hand. And he's wearing a wedding ring. So, not allowed. Married men don't masturbate.

Not allowed. That is cheating. It's one of the vows, isn't it? Technically cheating. I will, to love and honour, and to never again masturbate. Exactly. So it can't be that.

But one thing is, he's not finding new batteries because that is the furthest away from a new player, I think, I've ever seen in my life. That's a shame. Let's do a quick... We've got a lot of vasectomy emails.

There's no way around it. I mean, if you want to know, if you listen to this for the first time and you want to know what type of show this is... Yeah. A lot of vasectomy. I mean, I will say that... We've received a lot of emails about vasectomies.

The crescendo of onanism, very much involved with what is happening in the Veste France. So I think it's kind of like, let's just give us the, I mean, cause stuff still comes out. I don't know why I went down this. How does it work?

I can't, I don't, you did remind me of this before, but I can't. Stuff still comes out, but there's just no, I think semen comes out, but sperm does not.

Okay. Hi boss, says Dave. Is this one of your regular chat blogs or is that nightclub shot of like a bloke

like shouting at a woman's ear it's two different things yeah thought I'd add to the vasectomy chat as I had the old

snip snip a couple of years ago I can confirm that the whole process is fairly painless but the tighty whitey tip is an absolute

must wear tight pants basically straight up I was in fact informed that you should double up on this in the initial The whole process is fairly painless, but the tighty-whitey tip is an absolute must. Wear tight pants, basically. Straight up. I was in fact informed that you should double up on this in the initial aftermath and wear two pairs of tight-fitting pants, which worked a treat. I don't feel comfortable with the idea of wearing two pairs of pants.

It feels perverted. It feels like you don't trust yourself not to do something horrific. So you need an extra barrier. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're going to get caught somewhere. On the incision versus hole punch debate,

the latter is apparently the most recent way of doing it as it heals quicker and doesn't leave a scar. Leave a scar. I don't care. Do it the least painful

way possible. Leave a scar. It's never looked that good to start with, to be honest. Won't be the only scar you've got on your nuts. Exactly.

Yeah, I am. I do test the old testes sometimes. A lot of BMXing as a kid. A lot of BMXing. Sandpaper. Yeah. It's good stuff. A couple of things

I was not expecting about the whole procedure though were the doctor in a classic doctor voice talking non-stop about the weekend's rugby which upon

further interrogation by myself led to the admission that he'd not actually seen it as he didn't have Sky Sports and didn't actually like rugby anyway. Weird.

That man is a man ill at ease with his own, you know, his own practice. Yeah, his own small talk. What would you reckon your small talk would be like as a doctor? I mean, there would be, because rugby balls do look like balls, so I think that's where I would, you know. That's your buy-in.

That's your icebreaker, yeah. The playing of non-stop short tunes and him apologising for this and saying he doesn't know why Spotify keeps randomly selecting them

yeah I think so here's the thing surgeons are famously when they're operating they have their own kind of proclivities

right and they put music on or they listen to whatever and they can be quite eccentric characters. Crucially, though, that's when the patient has got a general anaesthetic, right? And he's out.

Right, yeah. It sounds to me that Dave here, vasectomy Dave here, is awake. Yeah, it must be local anaesthetic. Why is the surgeon not showing any kind of personal skills whatsoever? He's busy tying some tubes, isn't he? I just think that if you're playing around with another man's nuts, albeit in a professional environment... At least give him the eye.

Get the small talk right. Get the small talk right, yeah. It is awkward. It's just going to make it more awkward, isn't it? Well, the doctor taped my old chap to my stomach while I was lying down on the table to keep him out of the way. Yeah. It's just as awkward as it is, isn't it? Yeah. I mean, Dave, you could have said chest.

Oh, you could have actually yeah he tossed it over my shoulder correct your mental disorder yeah Michael more vasectomy tales morning

seeing as you are light on the snip stories here's mine in 2012 about a week after our second child was born I was booked in for my vasectomy

I just liked it a week after that Michael was listening to the show we did about vasectomies yeah as a follow up show he's not sent anything in. And I followed up and I said,

oh yeah, we didn't really get that many people emailing about vasectomies. He's gone, right, Avengers assemble. I've got to help the lads out. Maybe we could do like a battery feature, three or three or sure. Three every Thursday. He's basically sent in an email to a podcast about his own vasectomy to help the lads out. Well, like, I think the batteries are very much like,

like, cause they look quite inert on the outside, but inside it's a mash of quite dusty, heavy metals and thin pieces of foil wrapped in together. What is? Batteries. Oh, batteries, yeah. They're a mess inside. Very much like the testicles.

In 2012, about a week after our second child was born, I was booked in for a vasectomy. I was greeted by a couple of female nurses around my age who put me at ease i mean that would never put me at ease i don't see any anyone um before i was taken for an awkward pre-op chat with the surgeon when it was my turn i laid down on the bed and to my horror the two female nurses walked in before i knew it my gown was up and i was naked from the waist down being washed and shaved by the ladies. One doing the washing while the other one held my balls and moved my frightened penis out of the way.

After the op was over, which didn't hurt anywhere near like I thought it would, the surgeon sat me and instructed me to try masturbating after about a week as it would help recovery and to do it frequently before trying sex again. I'm sure it's for a good reason, but it's so weird and embarrassing. A tight size too small pants is a thing and it does work, but you still walk around like a cowboy.

The final act was to go to the post-op samples to check that it had worked. I'd been taken to a room with a stern-looking nurse who pointed to some magazines in a rack, eyeing me suspiciously

and saying, they are there if I needed them. And then to come back after 10 minutes to collect the sperm. Or not presumably. He's gone,

I mean, Michael should know that there shouldn't be any sperm in there. The vast difference. It's very awkward, isn't it? It is very. It's just ultra-awkward as Michael says. Thanks for being so honest about it though, Michael. I mean, joking aside, this is like probably pretty important stuff that men don't

talk about enough. So hopefully we've released the veil. Showing people how the sausage is made. Yeah, exactly. We've got one more talk about enough so hopefully we've released the veil shown people how the sausage is made we've got one more vasectomy tip but we'll do it next time this is going to run and run

exactly it is but thank you very much for getting in touch thanks for getting in touch with your most intimate details around your vasectomies

what annoys me about that is we could do a really good sponsored bit on men's health. About men's health? Yeah, probably pull down about five grand for doing it. But do they come knocking down our door?

No, they don't. It's like HelloFresh all over again. Exactly. I had a lovely HelloFresh last night. Did you? I snapped it up from the Stacey Solomon range. Well, every... What is a Stacey Solomon range?

She's got a signature range on HelloFresh now. What? You loved it. So just gets the cheap ones. It was a Sambal chicken teriyaki. What? I had one last week that was just beans. Like it was the cheapest of the cheap.

Channa baked beans. Honestly, it adds sweet corn. It adds beans. It was like a Mexican thing. Yeah. It had like chipotle powder. I've had that. And you're like, there needs to be something else here.

Over rice? Yeah. Yeah, I've had it. It's disappointing. It's not enough for a big strong lad after. Over rice? Yeah. Yeah, I've had it, yeah. It's disappointing. It's not enough for a big, strong ladder for a long day at work. No, no, no. It was the biggest of all of the meals,

but I think they overcompensate with the rice. Yeah, probably. Just to make a point, I would say. It's hard to get rice right, isn't it? That's why. Not when you've got a rice cooker. Have you got a rice cooker? I've got a rice cooker. That was Jules Breach's number one household tip.

Massively. Yeah, when we were talking about, I can't remember what we were talking about, but she was like, I cannot believe how few people have rice cookers. They're amazing. Anyway, we haven't got time for that now, Peter. Is her mum Malaysian or Filipino?

Her mum's Filipino. Filipino. So, I mean, like, out there. Her dad's a chef as well. Yes, exactly. But out there, like, rice cooker is, you just need a rice cooker. They're just the best.

They are the best. Anyway, vasectomies, rice cookers, you've got the lot here on the Luke and Pete Show. All the main food groups. Yeah, follow us on Twitter and stuff if you fancy it, at the Luke and Pete Show. We're also on Instagram as well. And do keep your emails popping in,

popping their heads around the door if you have had anything seriously modified about your bits. Do let us know. Hello at LukeandPeteShow.com. And also let us know how quickly you can feasibly get candy floss in your mouth. Exactly. Good point. We want to see the record broken. Alright then. We'll be back on Monday. See ya. the luke and pete show is a stack production and part of the acast creator network